The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep# 532 - "Steroids Skank-Flu" FREE

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Doug brought back more than a hangover from Skankfest. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing  support. Recorded Oct. 24th, 2023 via ZOOM with Doug  Stanhope (@dougstanhope) at the Airport Four Points in Tucson, AZ and Ggreg Chaille at the Terror in the Corn Haunt in Marana, AZ. Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at  https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Get to the Points LIVE Podcast by the Sports Gambling Podcast network - https://www.youtube.com/live/7UlZ-Cyr5g4?si=iCoTD1J1OhICQlTG Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant  for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud -  https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at patreon.com/stanhopepodcastJoin Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com Photo by CHAILLE Copyright 2013-2023 Shake The Baby, INC. & Meatwig Merch Media, LLCSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

The good one. Thank you. Did you have something to say before we start? No, we're going. Let's just assume we're going. I'm pouring a fucking glass of wine into a paper cup. I'm at the four points. I'm back to staying here.

What happened? Well, just because that fucking, that that that double tree is such a dump and uh no i mean are you in tucson why i mean oh bingo's coming back from a family reunion at like 10 p.m all right so i came to pick her up and stay the night uh they put me up in a suite remember when everyone used to know us here back in the good old days at the four points that was pre-covid yeah no yeah they fired all the cool people we knew and then covid happened maybe because they maybe because they let you uh you and bingo steal all those uh pillows for so many years bingo would steal a pillow every time we came here. Cause we trade,

trade a pillow. She'd walk in with a dirty raggy one and leave it behind and grab a brand new four points one. Yeah. And they, and they knew it and they charged us for it. Like at some point I noticed there's a $ 25 charge for every time we uh we stayed and once they caught on to it yeah every time they're here we're missing a pillow and our bibles

uh there's no more bibles but uh yeah it used to be like i could call the guy he knew what room i wanted to stay in because it's right by the bar and i was you know they had this smoking balcony patio right on the first floor so i could sit out there and chain smoke and yeah now then they fired everyone that was cool and then coveted and then gretchen got bed bugs here but uh i checked in today now that i'm as i was before i gave a about points now that i'm a marriott this is a marriott property and i'm bonvoy titanium and the girl knew who i was i hadn't i came in and she goes uh oh my god it's you i thought it might be you it is you and i you want to give her my credit card and she goes i don't need your id

like she knew who i was by my name because you're a Bonvoy member? They do this for all the Bonvoy members? No, no. She knows who I am as a comic. I know. She saw my name on the thing. No, that used to be the case with Hilton Honors. That's the whole point of that bit that eventually will come out when this special gets edited. But, yeah, it used to be like that.

But yeah, it used to be like that You get to cut the line And you had your own designated line For being top Diamond or fucking titanium Or whatever Platinum They still can't afford fucking glass cups Point is, she let me in

She had my card already It's a 364 And I went, ah Can I get that 160 right there by the bar she goes i can look but i got you a suite and i went oh shit i've never been in a suite before at the four points i didn't know they actually had them but it's a yeah it's a fucking two bedroom suite it's just it's that it's that dreary color like the plaza in Vegas. They put you up in a suite, but it's this kind of gray-brown color of death.

Super neutral. Yeah, the light bulb only lights up like one foot around the light bulb, and every light's on, and it's still every lights on and it's still miserable so i yeah i put on i don't know i didn't have a a a ring like you do not with me so i've found a fire pit to give me some color a little pallor uh but uh yeah Friday they say Friday is the day today is Tuesday and they say Friday the house is mine back in it uh so then I'll I'll never have to go where's my i should have had my ring where no i'll have i'll have lighting on the regular yeah pouring out of taps i'll have lighting

i'll have that microphone i bought i'll set up ready to go big plans yes i'll find someone who uh yes I'll find someone to uh find someone to fix the bar that that guy came down and made me a bar for free yeah he made me a fixer-upper I don't think he really had worked with epoxy before he didn't spend much time working on the bar whoa he didn't epoxy it in the fun house he took it out to epoxy it no he did it in the fun house yeah derek's been working hard to get the epoxy off the floor he um chile was a brand new floor i know i know it's so bad like he got it in his hair and had to shave his head he had a long long hair and a man butt and he's like oh my god i'm gonna have to shave my head now i got epoxy in my head he's like racing to make a flight that he's never gonna make yeah he hasn't even poured the epoxy yet he's like like taping it off

it's so fucked up uh it's probably the probably i'll tell you i'm gonna guess this is this is my guess as to what happened he taped the corners and then poured the epoxy and then the epoxy got through the taped corners and it got on the floor well he did have uh tarps down but he managed to miss them a couple times don't worry it didn't get he wasn't doing a dry you know who cares yeah it's uh but it's it's it's just it's a bar starter kit yeah all right well i mean it are you gonna let me take a swing at it when i get back on the 10th yeah sure are you gonna bring that i was gonna bring another expert in well here's the thing uh the space we rented out is right across from that place that does epoxy countertops that we always said what who would open up a shop that just

specializes in epoxy countertops and it just just doesn't seem like there's enough traffic in Bisbee to warrant such a specific. So I'm going to talk to him. If Andrew comes back, here's the thing. That flooring, the leftover flooring, the laminate tile, I don't need epoxy tops. I'll nail this right on top of the fucking epoxy. I mean, we can do that too. I mean, that's a possibility.

If you let me just order the correct wheels, casters for that thing, and let me swing at it when I get back before you bring anyone else in, I'd appreciate it. I mean, it's up to you, whatever you want to do. Yeah, have at it. It might be a thing where we just start start it might be a teardown no i i it's it's exactly what we need as far as like it splits up and it's mobile there's no shelf in it like this uh yeah he he you pretty much saw everything but the top and the top didn't

fucking dry there's parts of the top well it takes a while and you're supposed to just so you know with epoxy you want to babysit it because bubbles will come to the surface and you have to use a heat gun to get them to pop

or you're going to end up with a bunch of bubbles, and then you've got to sand it. You're going to have to sand it anyway. Yeah, there's bubbles. Yeah, yeah. This guy was trying to make a flight that he already was too late to make, and so he's dumping the stuff as fast as he can, and he's stirring the stuff with two hands really really fast and he's like oh wait hang on

my flight got delayed so i now i'm gonna your flight can't get delayed enough you're never gonna make the flight and i'm not driving you because i told you but coming in no one here drives after dark and now it's like 4 30 in in the afternoon. And to remind people, Bisbee is a good hour and 40 minutes from South Tucson, which is the Tucson International Airport. So anyone who doesn't know that. So that's why Doug stays at the hotels the day before or the night before we leave anywhere.

We just stay at a hotel so there's no rush in the morning we can take an early flight or a late flight doesn't matter but we we just hang out at the hotel that hour and 45 minutes is uh through the desert and at night that's what you're told like just the fucking the amount of animals that are going to jump out in front of your car and try to kill themselves or just crazy drivers i mean anything can stop you and then all of a sudden you're fucked you're you're you're an hour from either direction you're you've got a long way to go to either get back home or to get back to the airport yeah he was a nice enough guy um uh derrick drove him back derrick drove him to uh sierra vista so he could get a lift but uh he dropped him off at uh chrissy's pub there the pc yeah yeah

the off-track betting bar otb yeah he said he's gonna lower his lower his standards and go try to a fat girl you guys one of those guys um i don't you never know when someone's just trying to be funny because it's me a lot of times that's the case yeah you don't have to say stuff like that well i mean they they've they've probably been working up what they're going to say for an hour and 45 minutes since they got in the airplane. You know? So, yeah, it is one of those things. But, you know, I don't know. It happens at the merch booth.

It happens when they come to the thing. I mean, it's a big deal for some of these people to come out there and and be a part you know any part of that so i like that's why i give them a tour when they come by that was whatever monday or tuesday and so sunday football comes along i just get that bar stuck up against the wall so i could put food on it and I set a bag of frozen strawberries down while I was clearing out some room in the freezer it's only there for a minute and I pick it up and where it had sat down now the epoxy is all slimy and sticky and it's that kind of sticky that like it's like superglue

that you can't just wash it off it makes you sticky forever you're gonna go do fucking grout work you have to use acetone to get it off that i think maybe his mix was wrong with the hardener and if that's the case uh nothing's gonna cure that yeah no it's that's the problem i think it's that's gonna be uh yeah unless unless you i don't know if there's a way to fix that. But I know it has to be mixed very specifically and not like two-handed. I'm in a hurry. Yeah, you don't go like.

Yeah. Yeah, it's usually by weight. Or if it is by volume, you need to really make sure that you're very very close uh it is i don't know i don't know what product he was using well on one of them he put some uh stripping around it instead of tape some metal like really thin metal yeah it's a aluminum like aluminum tape they use it for ducting and yeah yeah and he nailed that on and then it's all nailed yeah yeah and then it's a little too high so it's you could literally cut your wrists on it as well as the one he taped off because then you know it the it you know seeped up at an angle because everything's on an angle in bisbee so like

i peel the tape off and there's a ridge you could cut it down with a razor blade but right now you can literally cut your wrists i had to put towels down on the bar to put the jambalaya and the beef stew out just so people did not cut themselves wow all right but otherwise i mean you get other projects done we get the fucking crawl space completely cleared out i could rent that out as subhuman housing um can i can i post a picture of that so people can see what they're yeah yeah unfortunately i don't think i have a before yeah the before i should have taken a picture of the what the the pile outside but that's I should have taken a picture of the pile outside.

But most of that got moved into the funhouse because this Sunday, we won't have to use the funhouse, which only has one TV, because we'll be able to use the goddamn kitchen and dining room inside the house as well as the patio. But there's no TVs up in there. I have the one from the living room That I can We just need one TV You can put it anywhere They're smart TVs And you should have enough power

From the little house to power that I mean Wi-Fi power I have to go fucking hiking With my Family practitioner On Saturday Because I have this Fucking cough from with my family practitioner on Saturday. I have this

fucking cough from Legion of Skanks when I got sick. The skank COVID variant. Wait, that was two years ago in Dallas. In Vegas. You got sick again?

Yeah, the last days was the sunday yeah i was bedridden for 36 hours and uh and i haven't gotten rid of the cough it's just like a like pubic hair in your throat kind of cough gross when you take a bong hit too hard and you just can't stop fucking it's dry most of the time but it's relentless and irritating so i went back to him and uh so i'm on he shot me in the ass with steroids uh i don't know why i don't know if he's just fucking with me. The steroids for a cough? Yeah, he said it fucking loosens up your whatever. Yeah, if you're going to believe anyone, you're going to believe him.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I thought, well, that'll get me out of hiking on Saturday. Because I was supposed to go last saturday with me and bingo and then i bingo forgot she's going to this family reunion in illinois so so i i go oh that'll get me out of it i'll go hey can we move it to next saturday uh so bingo can go and he's like yeah sure yeah, sure. No problem. And then I go, ah, shit. What's going to be my excuse next Saturday?

And I'm like, hey, got the house back. Because he said, when I was making the appointment for my cough, he goes, I think you're just looking for a reason to get out of hiking. And I go, no. I already have that reason. I got my house back. But he didn't. Why don't you just go hiking?

I'm going to. After a fucking year of waiting to get back in the house, and the first morning I wake up, I have to leave and go hiking. I'm going to be wanting to do that. But I will enjoy the hike. I need to think if I stretch my lungs a little bit maybe the cough goes away.

And plus now that I'm on steroids I'm probably going to be fucking jacked. I'm probably going to hit that mountain fucking drag some barrels up like 30 gallon barrels of water on my back just to get my free chance hiking up the mountain yeah i'm gonna be doing all sorts of crazy that the his uh the lady that runs his office, Sharon, she's very sweet.

I always bring her some pastries or some flowers. She asked what I called. What's the reason for the visit? She never remembers me. Not like four points. I said, I have this persistent cough, and I'm hoping it's mesothelioma because I saw a commercial where I could make a lot of money nothing and then uh then I said I'm really just trying to get out of uh going hiking this Saturday with my uh family practitioner John Sinnott, nothing.

So when he texts me and he says, I have a feeling you're just trying to get out of hiking. And I said, no, I already have the reason. I got my house back on Friday, but I did actually, that's one of the jokes I told Sharon that she didn't laugh at. So we're going hiking. Bingo.

She'll fucking come up with an excuse. Always. What's your fucking – how's your haunted house working? Does that – because this is like – in my head, I had it Saturday was Halloween, and I was going to use – but no, Saturday is the big night for all the bars having halloween so do you run through tuesday we run um this thursday all the way through to tuesday and then on wednesday wednesday i uh basically tear out all of my property that's on i brought i brought you know all that stuff that we built the entire haunted house with back at Bisbee. You remember all that stuff? Yeah. Yeah. All of that is here.

I have brought fog machines, props, every fog, cobwebbing, everything. And it's all here. And they're going to, they're going to give me one of their containers, like our storage trailer. They've got one of those that they're going to give me. And I'm just going to put all my stuff in there on November 1st. And then I fly out to Austin on the 2nd. And then come back and pick up your stuff? Well, I'll come back some other time and grab it. I don't have to get it on the 10th.

You know what I mean? They're cool with me leaving it here um i'm gonna i'm gonna give some of the stuff to them too that i know we're not gonna use again so good and my brother gets here tomorrow from uh from idaho he's staying for two days so he'll be here for one show night, which is good. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah, but you and I were going to come and try to sneak on the property when she was flying out, whatever day that was. And we didn't. I forget why. Yeah, you don't want to.

Like, it's free to get into, like, the Midway area with a pumpkin patch and the food vendors and stuff. But to get into the haunts man on the weekends it's like an hour and a half waiting in line for each of the haunts yeah no but this was uh fuck i can't even she left on i don't think it was even open it would have been during that anyway oh yeah well yeah i'm here we would we wanted to see you working we wanted to see chaley behind the scenes we didn't care about the haunted house we she was just like this she was flying out early so we got up a day early like i think it was wednesday so she could fly out thursday morning yeah i mean yeah no one no one's working here i mean no one works with me one dude and uh i hired him like this third day i was here and then he fucked up his hand last week got 10 stitches

so he's also an actor out on the on the midway too so there's no one helping me right now so we'll we'll see my brother my brother's coming tomorrow we're gonna we're gonna renovate a room when he's here what happened to a captain dismount that went awol for the first week he's shown up every once in a while i just try to avoid him because i mean i i mean i don't want to get petty about it but it's like it's like uh you kind of left us in a bad situation but we're still we still opened we still got everything would you do this again i i'd do this anytime this specific one would you do next year? This year was tougher than,

than I think anyone, well, I know it was tougher than anyone imagined because moving the site from five miles away to here and then dealing with the city and all this stuff was a real fucking pain in the ass. And then on top of it to have the guy who was supposed to be working on stuff, didn't do anything.

He just, yeah. So it's, it's one of those things where it became, it became even more daunting as, as, as a revelations as to what, what has actually been going on happen.

So, I mean, walking in here, like I did, it was like sucking a trace. I go, it could never be as bad as it was when I got i did it was like talking to trace i go it could never be as bad as it was when i got here because it was there was there was no no one had any idea what

was what was going on it's crazy but i mean it's it at night it's it is very it's very much like being all right so so whose project is it who's the work of passion to put this together it's obviously someone that really just wants a haunted house but doesn't know how to do it themselves no no i'm not talking about them they know but i'm saying who are they they're they're uh it's buckaloo farms and they they hired um this guy who did really good last year and he was supposed to be taking care of it. And they just let him go. They,

they, they thought he was taking care of business. And then he checked out, he had some, he had some issues. I think it was just, it was just too daunting. And then when they came to check on how things were,

it's like, what the fuck, what, what's he been doing? So it became a thing where we had to really scramble and man they they fucking work hard man i mean i don't know if we've covered this but how did they find you or did you find them oh they they bought from ghost ride in the past and they they you know when we're at the booth in st louis in uh march April, you know, you see someone's badge and it's like Marana, Arizona. Hey, what's up?

And we've, we've chatted the last three years, I think. And like last year, you know, we were, we have talked about this. We, we were on the road in Atlanta up until October 28th last year. So that's, that's why last year didn't work. And then you taking off this year gave me you know ample time to actually come out and when i came in here i when i interviewed it was to work during the show and i said i opened my big mouth said hey do you need any help with some stuff on the build and they're like yeah why don't you come down on monday and i've been here ever since.

I feel there's a certain amount of jealousy I have knowing that, okay, if Chaley goes up there, if they say, we only need you three days, you're going to know that you're needed there seven fucking days. And I don't like other people being

able to use you because that's what I get I get to use you all right we're back right now I like I found just the fact that I found the remote to that funhouse tv was so phenomenal i know i i found my uh my brother p-touch so i can label more stuff now i'm gonna that's i took everything out of the uh crawl space and only half of that shit's going back in i have like a couple of tubs of mother horde that was great when i was writing the book like it gave gave me some details about, you know, her. Dude, your book would not have been half as good as it was. Had you not discovered all of those items, all of the little tidbits that sparked your, your,

your memory and your imagination of, of the things that were happening back then. There's no way because I make me nervous seeing all the stuff in there but it really added a richness to that book so i mean that's i mean sometimes you got to keep shit man yeah uh but not anymore not well i wrote the book yeah if it's if it was worth mentioning it's in in the book. So just dumping or fucking checkbooks from 1973. The one that I had a problem with is getting rid of my thing. I have to keep your – you're supposed to keep your receipts for your taxes, all your tax shit.

Some say three years. Some say seven years. Not seven. for i don't know it's some say three years some say seven years but not seven well i i'm going at the seven years because i had going back to 2008 like boxes full of fucking receipts for and then i'm like wow what how much did how much did uh fucking rice-a-roni cost at safeway 15 years ago like i was just having such a, like, going down, hey, here's a receipt from the co-op. Remember the co-op?

Oh, the co-op. Yeah. Like, it was, and I'm like, I got to fucking, I started, I tried to burn them. Fucking stacked paper is very difficult to burn. Yeah, it's not a good way to get rid of it either. There's, you know, know you know we should do we should um both go through and get a big pile and then call like uh stone mountain one of those companies that shred stuff and they'll come out and do it by the pound and they'll they'll take

it all away all right i mean that or we can just dig a pit out if it was threaded it would burn great yeah it would nice bond oh and then we we buy it back from them I think I should just dump epoxy all over it that'll do it uh hey let me let me show you here's a here's a tiktok promo that went out from the uh the haunt. uh that makes me want to go find like some of the really scary bedraggled people from tin town that you don't have makeup on like that first guy with the chainsaw. Yeah, you just look like J.T. Habersad or something with makeup. But if you had my fucking handyman from the other day that took seven and a half hours to paint the mailbox, that guy doesn't need makeup.

He's like, oh! We had some fucking drunk asshole on, I think it was Saturday night. And I'm like'm like okay they serve beer and wine and seltzers here right this guy you could hear on the radio he's going through one haunt they're like hey a real drunk guy then he gets to the second haunt hey there's a drunk guy here man you're like touching the props and you're like get look he's he's that wasted he didn't get drunk here right yeah you don't get seltzer drunk like that yeah he's fucking he's that wasted. He didn't get drunk here, right? Yeah, you don't get seltzer drunk like that. He's fucking – he's, like, having to stop and, like, take a break.

Like, he can't even make it through the haunt. Each haunt is less than 10 minutes, right? There's three of them. He gets to the third one, and then they find him, and they go – they find him and, like, walk him out and stuff like that. And then I get a report from the gal we have this one scene it's a bathroom but the the all the people in there are dressed like the girl from the ring with the black hair in front of her face and stuff like

that and she goes hey someone pissed in the urinal i'm like well aren't we kind of inviting that you know you put a urinal in the third maze and you sell liquor but it was that guy he just fucking like like got up to it and just started and it's not hooked up it just like flowed out it's like a urinal on the wall that's just hung on the wall like you hang a picture there's there's no plumbing i remember back when we had the rape trailer, as they coined it, that fake vintage trailer, and someone pissed in the bathroom of it. I'm like, come on, who fucking pissed in here? And it was obviously a chick because they used toilet paper.

Yeah. And then when we did the math and realized who it must have been well that person has never drank again since and this is a woman of a certain age that uh started doing girls gone wild and uh yeah then when she remembered in the morning she's never had a drop since that was like probably 15 years ago even trade doug you got off scott free on that one the point is yes i had a toilet there how would she know not to use it like so then i had to have andrew disassemble it and then we finally got rid of the trailer all together because it had an unfortunate nickname that we weren't uh someone actually sent me a t-shirt that said i still think about

it today it just said rape trailer with the you know the a picture of a trailer like a picture not a picture but yeah yeah uh and it just said rape fine drawing so i would like that was a laundry day kind of t-shirt that i i i just i probably slept in it and woke up and went immediately to the farmer's market in a very uh hippie town this is before the uh the culture uh but still yeah not knowing not realizing till i got home oh i just wore my rape trailer T-shirt to the farmer's market. Yeah. Prancing around the farmer's market in rape trailer gear.

How much are your beads, unshaven armpit lady? Yeah. Well, I found a good home. Yeah. It's so exciting to get rid of shit. All that stuff coming out. And there's so much stuff that I think we're going to put a lot of it out at the studio out there by Safeway. And the one that isn't being used yet.

And I think we're going to have a yard sale just like a store. I'll just put it on next door and go, hey, yard sale, indoor yard sale. We can do it all winter as I de-hoard and replace shit and move shit and even other people. You should do a going out of business sale yeah lost our lease oh yeah we want to do a lot a lot of goofy once i get actually use it for the you know that purpose then we can start doing stupid things like how it's right across from the epoxy countertop guy and we can go way better epoxy countertop store or just epoxy internet is shit I'm haunted house I'm pretty sure it's your internet it keeps

glitching well you're glitching I'm not glitching at all to me oh you're glitching on this side though maybe it is me yeah it's definitely you you're in a fucking cornfield look out the window oh shit i'm still here all right uh well yeah we can make it a short one you know since uh yeah well i mean you got a bit you got a big trip coming up i want you to talk about it because the next podcast is probably going to be international yeah i leave on the 11th well now we're gonna we'll have to do one before i leave i leave on the 11th of november for uh bucharest romania and i'm back on the 19th so yeah it's just uh it's a comedy festival the just for just for fun dot ro i think i i don't know just for fun fest it's called the just for fun festival it's the only comedy festival in

bucharest in november oh the only one not the one they have in earlyarest in November. Oh, the only one. Not the one they have in early May. But Christine and Gary Lucy got on board. Christine Levine and Gary Lucy. So I won't be completely alone. Oh, that's good. And yeah, but my special won't be out by then. So if I have to do sets, I'm only going to do like podcasts. They want to have a roast of me I don't know you like the Grand Marshal dude yeah yeah I told him I don't I don't want to go

to Romania in winter much less or just ever I don't really ever want to go to Romania but then it just sounds so stupid that I have to go and i'll get my miles and i got my lay down seat so yeah i'm doing just a bunch of stupid i'll come back with stories i'm sure i hope you come back with both kidneys yeah i'm reading a book about um uh some lady from the nicholas um uh some lady from the nicholas chichescu regime that was like when they ran that guy out he was a fucking dictator he had the like one of the worst secret police organizations in all the communist bloc and everyone just you know disappearing for fucking complaining about gas prices and then all of a sudden they never saw him again uh so i'm reading this book about uh that era someone who was almost assassinated by oh chichesco and his wife remember they

they they they the the wall fell communism's over and they just immediately went out and just killed the the guy and his wife the the leader, whatever you call the fucking communist presidents. Yeah, they just fucking executed him right there. Fucking boom, you're dead. Here's a video, CNN. Anything about any of that. Yeah, I know. I'm reading as much as i can this is there's a

about how it's a to this day it's like what it was what did they call it uh fucking schizophrenic society where people are so we're so used to so many decades of having to whisper and then put on a public face about oh yeah we love the fucking great leader and we love communism and then they just have to turn on tap water all the fucking old get smart things like fucking to do oh don't talk till we turn on the fucking the am transistor radio and it's just to say that my fucking shoes don't fit quite right the government issued fucking shoes they're they're aching my bunions so it's uh it you don't you don't want to run into another king of thailand situation yeah they but now it seems like it's uh – the guy that booked me keeps telling me, oh, did I motherfuck him?

I wish I could have done it live so he would know that I meant it, yet I was still – my WhatsApp, even if you just text me via WhatsApp, it gives you this notification that's literally almost fucking 30 seconds long. And it's a carnival-like ringtone. And it just keeps fucking going. And this guy, ever since he's fucking, I've agreed to go to this dumb festival he just finds a reason to have to communicate with me every two or three days like you know we don't do that in gigs we don't book fucking tarahote and then have a fucking like oh we'll be there in november oh okay hey in the meantime hey what do you think about this picture? Here's a guy that you're going to be playing with. What do you think? Like, just, we're not.

With other bookings, you're insulated from that by either Hannigan or myself. Right, yeah. You book this 100% yourself. You're the the sole contact so there is going to be that thing to where they know that if they have any kind of small minutiae of like like some very inconsequential thing that they want to ask you they get to talk to you because you're the only contact yeah whereas if they had to talk to me or hennigan they'd be like ah fuck it he'll eat roast beef move on you know they wouldn't give a shit because they because they don't want to talk to me they don't want to talk to hennigan

and generally it doesn't bother me except when it's 3 45 in the fucking morning and then and i know if i don't get my fucking phone, this is going to go on and on. Now I get up to find my fucking phone and Meatwigs up and crying. And I fucking texted him back. I already told you once, don't fucking WhatsApp me unless it's absolutely necessary. Fucking email me, you fucking fuck. And as I'm motherfucking him, it goes on. He sees me typing and he's like like what are you doing up at this hour smiley face and i'm like and fuck your fucking smiley face too you fucking fuck so he emailed me

sorry i do you did tell me that not to text you so i i forgot oh i thought maybe someone else had texted you on whatsapp and you just immediately thought it was him. No, no, no, no. I, but I, the thing is I never, I never, I never like, I never apologized or explained as they say, never explained, never apologize. So he might think that I'm like a really, really awful fuck at this point, which is fine. Like a really, really awful fuck at this point, which is fine. Well, you'll be over there soon enough and then you can apologize face to face. Yeah.

And then probably call him a motherfucking fuck at the end of the night. It'll be your opening minutes. When you get onto the first podcast podcast we'll be talking about whatsapp and we're back yeah that's the thing when the roast thing first of all i'm like okay so that's that's the one thing they are going to do they're using you for things other than doing stand-up and one of them is you're going to be roasted by local comedians or yeah i'm going to be roasted by comedians so unless they're like like super fans and fucking listen to the podcast hey what are you where are you going to draw from like my specials that doesn't i don't know or in the moment what i'm wearing i'm

gonna i'm dressing really stupid for the exceptionally stupid for the roast just to give them something yeah uh maybe i'll embarrass myself a little bit extra in the early days of the festival so yeah give them that you know slip on some banana peels while i'm drinking or whatever whatever their local yeah i was about to eat a pretzel that you don't eat on a podcast uh anyway so and then i then i realized wait at the end of a roast i'm supposed to go back and then bust everyone else's balls yeah and i don't know them and i'm not going to do research what am i going to say so yeah they're good under pressure so i mean you're not going to know all their names and and the little little things you can get on them but

yeah but don cooper that booked me i'll have plenty on him yeah yeah i mean if you had a couple a couple of like little one-liners about some of the guys in front of you which you you'll be able to do it's just like going up after the middle act and you have something to say about what he just said yeah i know and then you just unload on the the booker it's it's not like a it's not like it's gonna take a lot of time out of my tourist schedule where, oh, I was going to go see the museums, but instead I have to write jokes. No, I'll be a lot of free time in my hotel room to write jokes about them, the fucking scene, the country, the city. I'm never at a lack of complaints.

Never. Never. So, yeah, I'm kind of looking forward to it, but I'm really just looking forward to putting away my dishes. I got an inordinate

amount of fucking suits that I've whittled down the suit. I think we're going to make this work. This is fucking boring. But the closet, I'm going to make that whole... Well, you lost the bedroom with the remodel, which means you also lost the closet.

We talked about that last week. But we hadn't figured out what you were going to do. I mean, have you come up with a solution that isn't too long? Yeah, we did talk about this, using the hallway. Yeah. Yeah, and Raider put up some tie racks on the wall before he left. He's off getting butt-fucked in San Francisco. Oh, wow. left he's off uh getting butt fucked in san francisco oh wow some company thing that uh you

know he's getting those happy hour dicks because he he goes to bed at fucking eight o'clock at night so no judgment yeah he's he's getting down on fucking geary street for you have a free shrimp cocktail and blown in the toilet for a happy hour. Matinee blowjobs. And I'm going to go hit sushi here. Big O doesn't get in until 946. And I'm all like, I, I, I complained about Dave Rader going to bed, but I don't know if I've seen 10 o'clock in the last few days. It's so fucking – it's so nice to have that house to myself. What?

Bingo's house? Yeah. Yeah. Firehouse. Because I don't – I mean the guest house is fine. It's a little cramped. But you got the new bed in there I saw. Got the new bed in there and – but I have to have to babysit the cat which is

another big problem i so want meatwig to be able to go back to the house but he's well because bingo wants him there he gets more attention from bingo there's no tracy the the come on the cat likes the broads better than us no that's not true actually yeah that's not true he'd prefer but they have more they they have more time they care to spend with the cat than we do uh so uh but i think he's his life span i think it's gonna be i think i've turned him into a fucking dope head. I keep... Like, at first, the catnip was just an occasional thing to make him go crazy.

But he's not, like, building up a tolerance for it at all. He's... That cat is... Hang on. Turn off your phones during the podcast. No pretzels. Turn off your ringers. God damn it.

I threw it in a bag. Yeah, so I give it, like, now he's trained. He just, remember, I'd have to put him up, he wouldn't take the stairs up to the top of his tower there, his

guard tower, where he watches out the window uh he cat tower of like like uh with the with with carpet like you buy smart yeah yeah now he races up it because i just jiggle the catnip jar and i right after breakfast i put catnip up in the front window. He races right up there, gets high, and just stares out the window at the birds. It's that perfect time of year. There's another thing I fucking hate about this Romania thing is that's going to be like the last days of beautiful weather. There's like three weeks in the spring and three weeks in the fall of gorgeous.

It's going to be where it's like 70 during the day and 45 at night. You sleep with the windows open. He sits up there. So I'm getting him high twice a day. And he seems very happy like that. And he doesn't have burrs. So I don't know. The other thing is I think we could drug him. you can give him like a tiny amount of xanax like b.a barracus and the a team you know they had to

drug him to get him on a plane we drug the cat to get him in the car to drive three blocks and then he wakes up and he's uh at his old house and we we have fun watching oh it's like the end of uh the new heart show where it was all a dream oh wait hang on what hang on it's dave raider i've been in meetings all day long you're on a podcast you're on a podcast so don't say anything terrible about your work work team um well I was calling because I got your voicemail, and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm fine. Okay, very good.

Yeah, no, I told him that I was jacked up on steroids now. I said to the guy that gave me the shot in the ass, the Senate wouldn't do it himself, you know, that fucking coward. He doesn't want to look me in the eye after having done that to me. So he sends one of his flunkies in and his scrubs, and he said, I'm just giving you a shot of steroids. Are you allergic to anything? And I said, just needles.

And he goes i i found the smallest one i could get uh so then he gives me the shot and i go so does is this gonna put an asterisk on my uh my home run record and nothing like every i unload so much material when i go in there and nobody but john sinning gets my crickets well i don't know save it we'll uh use it for the opening of the funhouse party i can't believe you can talk with the that much in your mouth i just told everybody that hey it might be on the other end oh that's true it's the only time you can on the other end oh that's true it's the only time you can come back anytime you can call yeah

anal by necessity necessity is the mother of anal i i i yeah i told everyone you were up there in San Francisco getting a happy hour cocksuck and free shrimp cocktail on Geary Street because you need to be in bed by 8. Well, part of that sentence is true. I'll leave that to the listener. All right, Angel. I'll talk to you later. I've got to wrap up this.

That's what the steroids are supposed to get rid of. Okay. Okay, I don't know how it works, but I'm going to go punch abroad. That's what I know. I'm getting roid rage. All right. I'll call you later. Love you.

Bye. I like that character. I like that character quite a bit. Dave Rader. Yeah, he's on another like retreat for the the company yeah yes I should go ahead I should have applied I should have applied at his company rather than the haunted house I don't get time off here. Well, you get that 11 months. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, they go right into pumpkin patches. They got a bunch of pumpkin patches all over the place out here. They go right into 33 Christmas tree farms in California, Utah, Nevada, and Arizona. Didn't you have the local news out there?

Didn't they go see your haunted house? Yeah, but I mean, they don't know what the fuck they're doing. That was such a bad piece. Was that KVOA? Either that or yeah, it was KVOA. It was K-O-L-D. I can't remember what i saw it on any i i mean i

just saw part of it my brother saw it he goes uh it's the worst they they do that all the time they they just they have no imagination they're just trying to get something on the air and they you know they needed a better spot but whatever it's first week so the hunt has been uh juiced up quite a bit since that first night oh wait are you open tonight no we don't know so we're open thursday through tuesday i mean i saw harder than anything at monsoon season on the drive up here where i can't see the car in front of me on i-10 like wonder yeah we didn't get any rain here at imarana it all petered out before it got uh north of tucson it was just flew over which you know i was getting ready for it two days ago because i saw the forecast and we're sitting out on sunday night after the after the haunt was

closed we closed at 10 o'clock. So we're all sitting around the beer tent and stuff and just talking about the night. And I'm like, oh, hey, what's the setup, the protocol for rain? And the farmers just started laughing at me. You ain't got to fucking rain. I'm like, but the forecast. Yeah, yeah, all right, whatever.

Yeah, city boy coming in and trying to get all ready dude are we batting down the hatches yeah you don't do shit man because it ain't gonna rain and they were fucking a hundred percent right so and it it poured like crazy in tucson and you said you got it coming up right yeah it's it was raining in bisbee when i left and off and on like if i had gone the senoita way i would have been buried you can tell by the clouds okay looks like we're going through tombstone i mean uh benson the the tombstone way just based on the clouds but once But once I hit I-10, it was fucking relentless, torrential. Fuck. Yeah, even the pumpkin patch tents in Tucson, you know,

had just so much water and stuff. And I'm like, fuck, because I wasn't here. I was at a laundromat. And I'm like, I hope it's not raining over there. But it's completely, I there but it's it's completely i could tell everything's still coated in dust every fucking thing here is just covered so i mean we're in a fucking we're in a we're in a farm i mean we're in a field where they grow shit you know so well we miss you i've had uh kenny and derek and uh footloose the girl whose foot

got shot off she's back up she's back into working uh so yeah they've been uh they've been actually helping a lot and uh even kenny wasn't that irritating uh i got him to work off his uh his he had some debt to you yeah so uh I got him working and humping boxes and that little kid Spencer he was perfect for fucking clearing out the crawl space I got this 16 year old kid uh he's from next door his mom's always like hey he's gonna Spencer's gotta uh work and he's always got a flyer and he work he plays a linebacker he plays a couple positions for the football team i love this the kid got thrown they they benched him one game because they made him bench him because too many kids were getting hurt by him oh wow so but he didn't let back a like a grade or something is he that much he says

sir relentlessly okay sir uh and yeah you grab that yeah I will do that sir and he said it's way too much sir to the point where I don't tell him to stop because it's fun and I say yeah so for the crawl space yeah that you have to be short enough that you're not going to hit your head. I don't like to bend over a little bit. Like a toothbrush, the sink is like, ah, this is too. So this kid was in there. He's a fire plug. He just was chucking that.

He had that fucking thing emptied in 20 minutes. And then. Yeah, when it's not your you tend to to put a little bustle in your hedgerow man but he's he was handing it to us but you're getting the shorts part and we'll stand out here and uh old guys and we'll move it out and but and then he vacuumed it with that your wet dry vac uh that industrial vacuum cleaner he fucking that's that hasn't been as clean since i bought the place yeah so uh and then then kenny noticed all these exposed wires he's like is that supposed to be like that i don't know everything is

everything is uh orphaned now there's nothing plugged. Well, I don't want to say nothing. Everything was cut when they redid the wiring up above. So all that stuff should be tested and then either pulled or capped. Well, Nelson came by after the electrician happened to drop by with Sam. And I said, hey, Kenny noticed some exposed wires down there. And then they went down and checked everything out whatever it was it did remind him oh yeah we're gonna do this or that i wasn't didn't understand what they were saying but kenny did a good thing by noticing something

and making uh yeah see something say something kenny there you go um you go um all right i'm gonna go to sushi i hope everyone hey uh you get on the patreon now before the fucking prices go up it's kind of like hoarding gasoline when there's a fucking war in the middle east hoard gasoline and get on that patreon because we got we got big plans for the new year once chaley gets home and we have business meetings in our secret fucking studio that star chamber table i can't wait to use that our chamber table what's that the first studio that we got to where christine levine is broadcast the big boardroom table yeah that's a fucking great table for meetings well you call it a star chamber table it sounds like it's a brand name or something no star chamber silence or something no the movie star

chamber and it's what these judges would all get together and they would uh pass sentence on people who get off on technicalities and they would have their own secret quarters and then hire hitmen to go out and fucking have people killed that get off on a technicality great and it wasn't a good movie it was just a great premise never heard of it it was uh i was always on the cult uh shelf in the vhs days i was thinking about doing that putting out if we could buy a Blockbuster sign. Joby has a Radio Shack sign, but that's – Wait, what do you want a Blockbuster sign for? To put up on the fucking – as a storefront sign. Oh, on the studio, yeah.

The ridiculously cheap rent. We're going to have to do some funny shit. We rented a storefront for a year so brendan walsh is up for coming out and i'm like i know i i just keep that's why hiking is going to be so hard on saturday for it for a fucking year like on a daily or weekly basis i'm saying yeah once my once my house is back we're gonna talk about that and the whole time thinking well they said six weeks so yeah now it's but you know what it's not done so how about I shut my mouth until I'm

taking a shower and cooking a turkey and washing a pan those are the things they can't do right now we're gonna go eat this and hey oh that that odds are app odds are calm yeah we we had we had a we had to let them go because they they started off gangbusters they went 70 then 50 50 is a bad week but you didn't look and then 70 and then 50 and then they went one and eight and then wow yeah one and eight uh i believe you were worse than that you're that the first week when I produced before Sean Green was doing it. I'm 0-6. You were like 3 for 8 or something or 2 for 8 that first week.

Yeah, but I was hitting my big bets. I was betting. Yeah, you had a couple extra things that made it worthwhile. Yeah, so I said, okay, percentage-wise, I lost a lot, but my fucking locks of the week were hitting, you know, I lose, you know, eight $10 bets, but I hit my $100 bet. That fell apart for me the week before last. But the bean, I'm still fucking down.

Now I'm down, I'm 0-6 now or 0-7. Yeah, 0-7 now. That's not good at all. I know. But that's the one game a week against Bean where he gets to pick what game we're betting on. Anyway, the odds are they went – then they went 2 and – I think 2 and 5 the next week. Like they had two atrocious weeks where Brendan Walsh. And watch on Saturdays.

We have fucking a blast picking NFL with absolutely no knowledge of it. And it's mostly shit talk. But that's Sports Gambling Network is the ones. Sean Green hosts our live Saturday NFL picks. We're doing it on Thursday this week week i think thursday at 4 30 just yeah follow my fucking tweets it'll be thursday i'll put a link there'll be a link down here somewhere so yeah we're gonna switch it to thursday so it's better for everybody uh but they have that's their network is it the entire network is sports gambling so for me to be going oh it's brought to you by uh this fucking app that keeps failing miserably it kind of it

reflects badly on their brand and like all right what is what are their other sponsors gonna think so yeah if you get that free subscription uh if it's worth 10 bucks a month to you after 30 days keep it or yeah all right i love you greg chile i'm gonna go eat sushi uh enjoy take us out bingo okay bye-bye now Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you.