The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #533 "Entry Denied"

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

Prior to Doug's trip to Romania the US Government informs him that his GLOBAL ENTRY was DENIED. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing  support. Recorded Nov. 6th, 2023 via ZOOM with Doug  Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFATTY), and Ggreg Chaille. Produced and Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at  https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - DISPLATE.com - Create awesome metal posters that take just 20 seconds to install & won’t damage your walls. Support the show by going to https://www.displate.com and use code STANHOPE to get up to 30% off. Get to the Points LIVE Podcast by the Sports Gambling Podcast network - https://www.youtube.com/live/7UlZ-Cyr5g4?si=iCoTD1J1OhICQlTG Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant  for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud -  https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Support the podcast at patreon.com/stanhopepodcast Join Doug's Mailing List - http://www.DougStanhope.com Photo by CHAILLE Copyright 2013-2023 Shake The Baby, INC. & Meatwig Merch Media, LLCSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I'm going to try something a little bit different. I don't know. It might be too bright. I've been trying to do the thing with Brendan Walsh, our Get to the Points podcast. I've been doing it from a different location pretty much every single time. I thought it might be too bright in the sun. Yeah. Looks pretty good.

No, that's fine. Yeah, the sun's going to clock a little bit, so you'll be fine. I look bright on one side, but the rest of you looks good. Hang on. Nah, fuck it. I'm just going to sit in my seat. Next time I'll know exactly how to set that up so I can get that. I love that sign to keep the children off the grass in front of our fake grass.

That's like 10 feet by 12 feet. It's all about the backgrounds. I look like I'm being attacked by lunchboxes. That's because the dispenser in Sonoyta is called the lunchbox, and every time I go get weed, they give me a lunchbox. Well, almost every time. Yeah, you should start eBaying those, dude. I got a good little collection.

Yeah, you should start eBaying those, dude. I got a good little collection. Signed lunchboxes. I was supposed to drop off edibles for neighbor Dave because when I was up in Tucson, he'd go, hey, did you ever buy a dispensary? And then they opened up the one right beside Safeway. So when I saw him in Safeway, I go, I was going to bring a weed, but then I heard they opened one up right next door. So, you know, he goes, no, I still need it. I haven't been there. I can't stand in line. I saw him taking out his trash, the big 800 gallon fucking trash things we have to bring to the curb. And I stopped in the street and go, hey, Dave, is that your new walker?

So you carry snacks around. He said, yeah, he's in rough shape. I haven't seen him. He lives on our street. So I always when I'm going by, you know, I run the check check and look to the left and see if he's out or anything like that. Sometimes I'll see him, but I haven't seen him for a while. I thought maybe he was away. Raider saw him without his oxygen on going into his driveway from his front door.

That's some progress. Yeah. I haven't seen him in quite a while, but I'm just basing it on the length, how much I've gone downhill since the last time i saw him which is pretty far yeah i just think if we ever really are gonna have uh like football again uh i think we're gonna have to go out and meet people like the only reason that was ever anyone here for football is we'd go out occasionally and meet folks like Chad. And then they'd hang around.

And now so many people are dying off or moving away. Oh, come on. Listen to you. Like they're every day we have a funeral notice? No, no, no. I said or moving away or getting married. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Life. Life is happening i looked at it there was a picture on facebook a few days ago like one of those

memories or something it comes up and it was a picture that betty had posted in 2015 where we all had those red jackets on and it's a really cool picture and i went through it going oh are all those people still alive and i was trying to look i think everybody in that picture is alive from 2015 yeah people get like real jobs or uh you know like brad brad's uh elderly mother moved in during covid and she never died so it's like he he did stop by yesterday briefly and uh the senate's but uh i'm not in a rush to have way too many fucking seats filled it's really it's it's nice to have casual days but uh and pretty soon it won't be really hot anymore we're breaking records in november

for heat make it right now i think uh it's but it says 77 I think it was a high high of 82 is what I heard yeah it's hot I did I haven't been coming for football last couple times because I always uh project my own feelings I guess and I figured you got your house back I've I figured you don't want fun showing up anymore up anymore. Yeah, like give them some time to settle in. Yes. Well, I didn't. Yeah, there was a handful of people yesterday, but I just cranked up. First of all, we don't have all the fucking TVs yet.

Cable's coming tomorrow for some of them. But the patio is the only one that has both cable and YouTube TV. YouTube fucking TV nfl package just find another sport because they suck so fucking bad they're uh but yeah did people know that i'm i'm in there doing shit i mean most of the time i was fucking cooking i cooked a lot yesterday i was making cuban sandwiches jambalaya i was just non-stop uh just trying to move product but yeah i was i was out there for maybe a quarter of two games total i'd sit down for a minute but i was just kind of itchy because i'm fucking going to uh bucharest uh and i leave friday to go up to the airport hotel for a Saturday takeoff in the morning.

And so here, you know, I have global entry. And if you have ever heard me talk about travel on stage and how I rub it in that I like the traveling part of travel. how i rub it in that i like the traveling part of travel not the you people who say i love to travel no you like to go to new exciting places and see something different you don't like the travel part i like the actual going i don't want to be there i want to get the out of where i am and all the things you hate waiting in line at tsa no problem i'm pre-check i'm clear i get all the things that let me cut in front of you and i go on and on with this bit i have global entry so when i come back i just blink into a screen while you're 300 people deep trying to figure out how to fill out that form yeah so uh so global entry was delayed like forever because of covid so mine was going to

expire last uh it was last october i applied for my renewal because it was going to expire this march it did expire this march but they said because it's backed up we're giving everyone a two-year waiting period or grace period. Grace period, yeah. Yeah, extension. So, wasn't worried about it. Fuck, it's Sunday morning, woke up with an email from the DHS

or Homeland Security, whoever. The status of your global entry has changed. sign into the I sign into the website it went from pending to revoked what yeah and it was absolutely nothing to tell you why and it's it's like click here to reapply or click here if you would like your revocation reconsidered so I click on that of course I want it reconsidered what the fuck and it said please tell us why or upload documents to explain why you're refuting this, basically. Like, based on what we told you.

And I'm like, you didn't tell me why you revoked me. I don't know how to argue. You need to know why you were denied or revoked before you can refute. I don't know which argument to make. why you were denied or revoked before you can refute being revoked. I don't know which argument to make. So I'm a Mr. Stand-up, I'm writing you a ticket here if you want to dispute it. It's like, yeah, it just says ticket. You just wrote ticket.

What am I, was I speeding? You didn't give this to me. I disputed it. So I did what I shouldn't do is I reacted quickly. Oh, no. Well, I just wrote on that thing, I go, you didn't give me any reason that this would be revoked.

Simply that and hit send. So later on, I'm a little more, you know, this was first thing out of the bed sunday morning before i can even turn on the chiefs dolphins game at 7 30 a.m live from frankfurt germany it's so i'm still that muddy in the head but you're but but you wake up with that and now you're stewing the whole time right you're thinking what the fuck and you know that what you've done isn't going to scratch your itch. And I know it's a complete fucking Kafka K hole where there's no phone number to call them. There is no customer service. Yeah. It's like calling, Hey, I want to get a special

on Netflix. What's the number for Netflix? Where, who's the guy you call there there's no you don't call Netflix you don't call the government so I Raider shows up during football and I I log into my account there and I show him exactly what and he clicks around and he found it was like emailed to me through the site email what both what the the revocation and the answer to me saying hey what the fuck you didn't give me a reason both said the reason is check the reason here and then the reason was because I do not qualify for eligibility that's the reason that's the reason God grant me the serenity to accept the you first of all this was sent and Saturday morning at 2 10 a.m what government office is open sending these out at 2 10 a.m what fucking government office is fucking open sending these out at 2 10 a.m ones that don't want fucking a guy coming through with a fucking a band oh easy easy easy no that's

the reason that's the reason they don't have phone oh that's the reason why yeah yeah or addresses yeah they send this from fort knox so uh so then i go uh all right i'm just gonna put it out of my head because there's nothing i can do about it now i do know a guy i get a guy down at the border station in douglas he's the guy that processed bingo's global entry and mine he knows us from the baseball games from heckling he knows all of us so i he even last time it's in a good in a good way yeah yeah not the guy who told us get out get out of the announcer booth yeah what because he processed me at one location and then they moved locations so when i was trying to get bingo processed it was a nightmare and I kept showing up at the old office which still had a sign didn't say hey we relocated to over there

so I kept going where they said they'd be open and they were never open and you can't find a phone number and finally I found a phone number and I got a hold of that guy who knows us from baseball and he's a big fan and he goes yeah come on down now we're at the actual board you know port of entry now so i went and found him i brought him schwag he gave me one of those you know those commemorative coins that people have like i get a delta call a challenge challenge coin yeah i get it uh yeah i have a Delta one, a Boston Police Department one, and a Tucson Douglas Port of Entry one from him. So I'm like, all right, this is my best chance. And I went down without an appointment, and he got me in, and he goes,

he went through the computer, and he said, like, i thought of every possible thing like you know all any uh criminal record i have was when i was a minor like i had one uh disturbing the peace and one petty larceny and that was all both before his 18 uh you had that thing in canada yeah well that that could be coming to play. But the main one he said as he's going through, he goes, there's a couple of things. He said, do you know someone named Selena Lavador? No.

Does she live? I go, no, no. does she live i go no no that was a that was a couple of fans that i let park an rv at my house for a while and i i let him use the mailbox you know that mailing address to yeah you know whatever further them along i don't know if it was to you know renew a license or a registration or for to get a job but it was just a temporary yeah use this address well evidently she got into some major trouble enough so that her just having been listed as living at my address ruined my yeah ruined your travel credit yeah my my uh what do you call it by a federal you know clearance you ruined my fucking federal clearance with fucking homeland security because

of what and i i google searched her and i found a couple things nothing concrete not she she can't do anything at this point but one of the things i I found is she's a fucking, at some point, a notary public in Colorado. It's a picture, so I know it's her. Yeah. How did you pass a background check to be a notary public? Hold on. I'm a notary public. There's no background check.

Hold on. I'm a notary public. There's no background check. You fill out forms, and then whatever they do on the other side is just cursory. It's probably less than to get global entry. You just pay the fees, and then you basically have to buy a seal and all that stuff. If any of you guys don't remember her, you would remember her as being Gump's girlfriend.

It was Gump and Selena that lived out of the trailer down there. I let them stay like, hey, you guys can be here on the weekend. Why don't you just pull up in front of my place? And they were there a year. A year. They were there a year. Oh year. They were there a year. Oh, that's right, because they lived at Morgan's. I should check.

I should call Morgan Murphy. Yeah, you should let Morgan know. How's your clearance? You got global entry coming up to renew? Or what else? I mean, will that roll over into something else to jam you up? Or is there something that you could, did they say there's something you can do to get that cleared up? Well, here's the problem. I go back now what I have this

information. The other thing was something he said about a car. First of all, I don't know if the notes he was reading on my account, my permanent file were that vague vague or he couldn't tell me certain things and he was just trying to tell me as much as he could without costing his job. Cause he was telling me all these things like he was a medium, like a psychic medium. Going, there's a car, it's 1998.

Letter P, the letter P or D, a car it's 1998. that is the letter p the letter p or d a p or a d give a car away perhaps is it there's maybe a seizure was there a i got i go like a repossession i haven't had a car repoed since the 80s or bingo seizure was there medevac i mean seizure what kind of seizure well then i told him about the canada thing i said in 1989 i had a car seized uh under the zero tolerance law because i at the canadian border uh coming into the states a friend they found drugs on his person which allowed them by law to take away my car so they basically stole my car i had nothing on me i didn't know he had anything on they pressed no charges on me it was so minor they only wrote him a ticket in 1989 and took your car and yeah they were happy not my car they didn't care about pressing charges

uh so I don't know if he said that could be that I go but why did he say 1998 like uh so I don't know what that is but the point is now I have at least enough to dispute and and explain away uh so i go back to uh the the website and oh yeah when you hit that reconsider button and fill in the what i wrote hey you didn't give me a reason that's your only shot oh that's it that's it. That's it. One and done. Yeah. And I went through Reddit. I went through, if you go search Reddit, and it's such a fucking great thing. I just searched global entry revoked, and I found a shitload of people that this same thing happened to. No explanation. You're just revoked you can

appeal it and you can go through all the paperwork and the kafka nightmare of you know i need the 1027 stroke g and not a photocopy of that filled out but with your actual signature and notarized by the person that fucked you over there's's a notary right up in Colorado. That's the girl that fucked you over. Why don't you get it? Anyway, the point is, I only read one where they actually got their shit back, their global entry reinvigorated, whatever. Reinstated.

Reinstated. Yeah, so now I have to start from scratch and reapply and tell them what i know that they yeah oh and then guess at what i think they might know about the other and hopefully the just the writing skills will sell tickets you know but it ain't gonna happen on this trip you i have to i and i was i wanted to do my pouty the world owes me a living i'll cancel canceling if it was hennigan and this was a money gig i would have just called him and said no this i'm not going i'm not and then he would have had to do all the but you think you're

overreacting yeah i know i would have some well when you do the karen route i just you'd have someone i want the government to be going yeah it's really fucked up what we did here's the problem yeah i don't know why the system works like this but they're not going to do that so i could yell at hennigan but hennigan's not in charge of any gigs anymore uh because and especially once that i'm one that you booked beer money yes i booked it and you booked all this for nothing i booked it for the story value and i had the story starting strong maybe it's not interesting but i'm passionate about it Where you starting fucking strong?

Maybe it's not interesting, but I'm passionate about it. It was cool to see my guy is still there and he still remembered me. That's good. Yeah. All right. Let's play a commercial. I got to throw my shit in the dryer. I love this one.

Displate is our new sponsor. If you're looking to level up your home with practically zero effort the way I like to do, Displate has you covered. Displate creates awesome metal posters that take just 20 seconds to install and won't damage your walls. They have licensed designs from brands like Star Wars, Marvel, League of Legends, so that way your flimsy blockbuster posters from high school are getting a serious upgrade. Displates make incredible holiday gifts. You can even submit your own artwork to be turned into a discplate for something completely personalized. The one I got is a poster of cocktails. It's just all sorts of different old-fashioned cocktails kind of like the ones we were drinking in the 30 days in the whole days.

Perfect for the bar that we're redoing and it's perfect for my skill set because the poster comes with everything you need to hang it immediately you just pop the included magnet onto your wall stick your display to it and you're all done save up to 30% when you click the link in the show notes discount will be automatically applied to your cart when you click the link or use code Stanhope when you visit Displate.com. That's Displate.com, code Stanhope, or click the link in our show notes. So, yes, I leave for Romania, and now that's what I've been doing all day is unpacking and repacking because now that I know I'm going to have to wait with all the fucking hordes of fucking people

that aren't expert travelers like me that can brag about cutting the line with their global entry, now I'm going to be stuck in some fucking Hades of my own making. I told you both that the end of my life, before I have the the the luck to to die everything i've ever made fun of every person i'm going to become them i'm already doing it i'm already a consumer i'm an apathetic i don't i don't know what's going on in the outside world all i care about it i am every person i've ever made fun of slowly i am uh becoming that and so i'm gonna be stuck in line and i didn't want to have fucking checked bags when i have to go back through customs so now

i packed so it's just on the way out i going to have a full fucking big game merch bag size bag checked. And that's all including the bag being left behind in Romania. Yeah. But you have to have some, you have to have something to come back or it will look very suspicious that you have a backpack. Oh, I have a little tiny roller bag,

like the backpack, but everything I have suits. I found a white tuxedo out at that pickers paradise oh sweet it's actually the purdy lane lady that has that barn sale every every week yeah i found a white tuxedo uh that's kind of sun yellowed in spots oh cool uh it's just really cheap but they're roasting me so i'm gonna wear that for the roast and give them yeah that stays i get a couple black suits i bought for no reason up and when i was up in tucson over the year those are staying yeah so it's just i have i'll have one suit left that I'm going to wear back, and everything else is pretty much garbage.

You know, when we were coming back one trip, I think we were coming back from Canada, or it might have been that Costa Rica trip, I found that there was an app that you can get through the government. It's called Airside Mobile Passport. That will help you because you've got your TSA stuff.

That will help you get through when you're coming back stateside. There was a line that was separate from everything else that if you had that app and it was all filled out in advance then you'd be streamlined. All right. from everything else that if you had that app and it was all filled out in advance then uh kind of streamlined all right uh yeah because i i went on uh

um uh what i just say read it and uh a few people said mobile and i was thinking that's the same thing i had mobile passport okay airside mobile passport done thank you sir yeah that'll help and it won't hurt you know what i mean i'm also tempted to just fucking go try the card i still have the card uh the global entry card because oh it might just work well what if they pull it up and they go revoked? What's going on here? Yeah. And then you go, yeah. What's with your wife, Selena?

It says here he sent an angry email. What's going on here? Well, you see that siren? That's not good. Sir, I'm going to have to stand over here. How many times? I don't know if it's gonna with my tsa pre-check like it might it might i might go like i would quit comedy i think before i just

wait in these lines if i domestically if i'm just flying to pittsburgh and i'm gonna i i have to wait in that line no i i i stopped doing that one as a fucking middle act. So we'll see. If I try. And you can't drive to Romania. How many times have you seen someone go all the way to the front of TSA pre-check and then they go, are you pre-check? And they look at their ticket. Yeah. And send them all the way back.

I assume that's all that's going to happen. If I try to go through the global entry blink machine and it says, yeah, just start over back there. Yeah. But I mean, well, you know, you're not going to get in. You're not going to get in. Cause they're going to, they don't even have in because they don't even have to know numbers anymore. They just slide your ID through, and the magnetic strip tells them everything. That's why everyone has to have the little yellow sun on their IDs now because they want everyone to have magnetic strips. I don't know that that's how it works with global entry.

Your global entry card's been your global entry card has a magnetic strip on the back yeah i know it does but i i don't know if it's now like where you just blink into the the because they know your irises so they know if you're up to date so you might not actually use the card but if you're they know your irises they probably know you're revoked but oh that'll be linked one guy one guy on reddit said yeah i just went through anyway and it's uh just let me through i mean it still is government i think it's still worth a try like you said nothing to lose just practice you're shocked what oh okay okay the trade-off would be that if I do have to go back,

all right, you got to get in the sucker's line with everyone else. I am flying first, so I would be first off the airplane to get in the sucker's line. Yeah, as long as you do your speed walk, then you will be in front of everyone else who's dilly-dallying and getting the sleep out of their eyes after an eight-hour flight. So that would give me the leg up on going through the menial peasant class line. But if I stop to try to cheat the system, then I get behind the coach people and all their kids. Or you fuck off and, you know, repack your duty three or something yeah you don't want

to do that so it's only the way back and again i will i'll have that little roller bag that i should have so little shit that i could put the backpack in the little tiny roller bag it's that hard case one that has like martini glasses on it it's a fight it's smaller than a small roller bag yeah all you i mean you basically you could ditch everything that you're taking it's this is for appearances you don't want to come back with nothing you look like a terrorist i'm going with five suits and four of them are going to stay in a hotel yeah there you go or just Or just bring a track suit, and then after each show that you do or appearance, just disrobe and give your suit away. I thought about that, and it's funny that you mentioned track suit

because as soon as you said it, I bet that's pretty much the average garb in Romania. Oh, yeah. Track suits everywhere. Because the guy that's running it asked me at one point if I'm selling merch if I'm bringing books uh because people want to buy your book and I like I didn't even know if the merch booth was open our store until I saw Denise the other day uh but I'm not I go now I'm not and then I thought, you know, I should just pack a bunch of those disease T-shirts. Since we're not moving them anyway, if they went through my luggage, it would just look like my clothes.

It wouldn't look like merch. You could take merch because you're abandoning that suitcase anyway. So fill it up. Not with books. Books, you won't make any money but yeah the problem is a lot of places will like if that's why they always ask on the forum I do you have any samples of business samples yeah giveaways stuff like that and if because if you have yeah a thousand CDs they're gonna Canada I know a lot of times they

would count your merch in and then when you exit the country they see you sold you know 850 they tax you on that aha not when you get them printed in canada yeah i know but i'm just saying i don't know romanian laws all i do know is if i wanted to sell my clothes i sell them on ebay i could just sell suits just like you said take a terry cloth bathrobe from the uh from the sauna at my hotel and uh go hey who wants who is my uh 32 waists in the crowd who's my 40 regular jackets i mean you anyone could buy it you don't have to wear they don't have to wear it right there home you could someone could buy it as a gift yeah the time someone came and entertained us yeah yeah that's what i would do how did uh go ahead how did uh how did the uh the festival go the punk altercation today it was good uh altercation comedy fest in austin

jt harrisat invited us and uh chad couldn't make it but uh we made a go of it but the day before there was a afternoon show comics it was really it was great you know really good comics from all over you know and then um there was uh and then mitchell did it was on a panel with uh a guy from the jim rose circus fame mr lifto who's a bartender at the camino uh that that bar and uh they were doing all about bar drinking and bartending and stuff and it was jt carrie mitchell from the comedy mothership, Mr. Lifto, and then another dude who was in a band called King Rat. But he's a bartender. So it was really interesting.

They had a podcast. There was another horror podcast that followed us on the next day. Andy did an 11 a.m. set, which was like, what did you book? An 11 a.m. show. But it was actually a really good showcase. It was like at 11 in the morning. It was like what did you book an 11 a.m show but it was actually a really good showcase that was like at 11 in the morning it was fucking great so oh okay so it was a showcase it wasn't just and yeah it wasn't just andy it was a it was a bunch of um headliners that went up i found uh one guy i thought i'm gonna try and get him up at coots um i thought

he was really funny guy named aj finney. He knows you from way back. But I haven't run into him any time with you. So it must have been before all that. But yeah, it was good. You know, it's at a small little venue. I just kicked out going back the last night for the show. And Andy and Erickson got into some fucking psychedelics. And I'm like, you know what?

I'm not going to be the sober guy wrangling these cats, you know? And then I was looking at the comments in Patreon of someone just going like, I had such a blast. It was so fun. And, yeah, those guys, they were pretty messed up. But I kind of hung around them until I made sure they could get into the Uber. And I don't even think they know how they got home but it was uh yeah it was fun it was great and there was a great band at the end called the heels so yeah we had everyone had a good time and that was it i'm done with any kind of other work other than that and that's why we're

at a cabin for a couple days it's nice and san marcos did we ever do a show in san marcos doug or was it south padre island no san marcos was where uh what's his nickel ludo it was playing a coffee shop an outdoor tent oh yeah house and he was insisting on sending a stretch limo to pick us up yeah his buddy drove a stretch limo and he's like we were at that shitty like a travel lodge next to a sonic and he wanted to send a limo and i remember you go i remember that's where i found in my maid bed a cockroach like i pulled the covers back and they were under like tucked in and then i'm like fucked it and you're like cut my hair and i get and you go hey come out here on the uh stoop and cut my hair and i think that's when we did the fryer tuck thing or something on you and i go fuck that get in here

we're gonna cut your hair inside the hotel room they got a fucking cockroach in my bed i don't fucking care how much hair we put in here and then the uh yeah it was it was it was pretty messy chad he didn't just want uh to pick us up in a limo he wanted to pick us up a couple hours early so we could cruise around yeah and you gotta put the hours you're really a limo and you're 19 but yeah i don't really want to cruise around san marcos and then pull up in front of a coffee shop that has a a tent what do you call those tents that you used to put out in front of the fun house when it rained over the barbecue well this was a big tent like chad like when you when you did the uh christmas tree lot. It was like that. It was a big vinyl tent that you would have like a revival meeting in or something, you know?

Yeah, but it didn't have walls. It was just the ceiling parts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The point is, it's not a fucking stretched limo. They don't even use those anymore. If you're cool and getting picked up, it's a Suburban or something or a Navigator. Yeah or yeah a town car he was picturing you pulling up with your uh tie around your head hanging out of the sunroof the party's here i didn't even know you didn't go to this because

i didn't know i don't i don't really know the timelines on anything anymore but you were hunting my uh originally my son had another surgery scheduled for this week and i didn't want to be you know out of town during that and then they moved it and uh by then it was you know pretty close to time to go and i already had a hunt going and so You were going for deer, weren't you? Yeah But you were roasting a pig yesterday I got a smoker a couple weeks ago

and I've just been smoking shit non-stop Yesterday I smoked a big chunk of bologna they call it a chub and a pork butt I just assumed that you were smoking something that you you've shot with an arrow no it's I'm I'm hunting white-tailed deer and uh they're very hard to well they're smaller than like a reg a

dog like a medium-sized dog they're a little tiny deer so like twice i had to when i went to go to my hiding spot to you know wait and ambush him i had to chase a coyote out from where i wanted to be so oh you chased him out of his spot yeah yeah it was his spot and so then i had to go find a new spot and uh but they're just so used to being hunted by everything that you can't hardly get close to them and uh you know people shoot them from a thousand yards away with high-powered rifles and i'm trying to get 40 yards is as close as i feel comfortable shooting them with a bow so i'm trying to get super fucking close to these things. So most of it's just bullshitting around out in the woods. Do you do the bow with the string on it?

So if you hit it, a place that doesn't kill it, you can just hang on. Oh, like a fishing bow? Yeah, how they bow fish. Yeah, they have fishing bows for sure. You know, you don't want to shoot a deer with a fishing bow, but I guess if you did, a Coos whitetail would be the one you wanted to shoot. You'd need like 200-pound test on that. Yeah, those deer are like 90 pounds.

All right, well, he's also going to be running like a motherfucker. Well, that's true. That's true. Well, not if you hit him in a good spot yeah i mean the goal is to hit him in the right spot chad right well yes that's yeah yeah but you know that's the goal of a pitcher in baseball too but there's fucking guy yeah like at one point i had a shot on a spike uh that's just he had little tiny antlers like the size of my finger uh and but legally i could shoot him and that was the closest i got he was 33 yards away but it was almost straight uphill where he was in the hill when i when i you know had the shot

and that's a a different shot with a bow is shooting straight up like a hill or a down a hill and i'm not real i haven't done it a lot i need to practice with that because i realized that while i was out that angle yeah it wasn't i just it didn't seem ethical to try to shoot i didn't i wasn't comfortable that i would get a good shot like you said the main thing is to try to get a good shot kill if i for one thing you don't want them to suffer the other thing is that country is rough i don't want to have to chase it four miles in tracking blood because i have to carry it back out yeah can you can you can you buy that meat just uh uh omaha steaks do they sell it like i can see like going out and bow hunting a cow uh cow yeah because i know i like the meat

well i know you don't have to chase it really far you don't have to get into a a crawl space like he was where coyotes trying to fight you for the the territory see i'll get i'll probably get heat from this but this i i make fun of you know in in a in a friendly way like on the east coast that's how people hunt is they feed them with a big corn feeder all year and then they go set up a a blind that they sit in and 20 yards away from them and then they shoot them basically pick your lobster from this exactly it's target practice with the target that you get to eat and i'm not against it it's cool they get to shoot up they have an abundance of deer is why they yeah they've got a lot of deer i'm not knocking it it's the

country that's how it has to be done but i think they should call it something different maybe than hunting because i mean i'm hunting i i when i'm out there i have to pretend that i'm a fucking coyote or a fucking lion or something so i'm you know you have to try to be absolutely silent you have to crawl tree to tree it's uh you know it's fun you're you're hunting i'm against it against Against what? Meat? You're a vegetarian now? Just the little baby deers. Oh, no, you didn't shoot the baby ones.

Well, the little tiny 90-pounders? No, that's the size they grow. I know. They're everywhere. They're like rodents, but they're... They're a miniature horse. I mean, I like eating horse meat, but not the cute ones man the elk i shot a couple of years ago you draw the line no the miniature ones that only grow that big but they're adorable and they're like three feet tall or something the elk i shot a couple years ago

was maybe two years old she was tiny i would eat people would you eat people chad sure if i hunted them but yeah i wouldn't want not store-bought people no no or one you found already dead roadkill people i don't know if this is a thing that's already been said or whatever but i've always had a thing where meat in the store should not have a expiration date or an eat it by or sell by it should have a killed on date i want to know when this fucking meat was killed that's the big thing with buying meat oh like like coors that had born on date yes yeah i want to see a picture of the animal, the actual animal, while it was still alive. Like with the gun to his head, like that famous National Lampoon, the dog with the gun to his head, buy this magazine or I'll kill this dog.

You can do the little scan with your phone thing that they have on everything now, and a video pops up of them executing it with a guy holding up a newspaper look right here yeah the qr code is just a montage of it being born it's like stumbling through the grass it's it's on its mama's teats and that's sarah mclaughlin's song is playing yeah and then he's walking up the runway like a hero for his last hurrah. And then the stun gun goes, cut, smash, cut to it perfectly grilled on your barbecue. That's, I'd buy it. I think the problem with it is if you give the QR code and then you got the one where it's just that video of the cow with a giant abscess and they lance it and it just launches pus out about five feet for about a minute and a half

yeah and then you pretend that they didn't fucking uh loosely hack that out and make jerky that you bought in the convenience store on your road trip there's many many documentaries that i've watched about you know the the sea spiracy and then this is what your food is made of all those and you yeah i didn't eat fish for four days i didn't what a commitment yeah but i'm saying because that's as long as you really this sticks with you and then you forget and then you go oh sushi's delicious hang on uh let me knock this ad out you were listening to the doug stanhope podcast all right we're back. Oh, Jesus. I forgot to tell Derek we're not doing fucking Monday Night Football. And now I can't send you out to tell him because you're Dave Rader.

Dave Rader just walked in. Now, like, I can't have my guests telling other guests. Don't come over. There's no guests allowed. I wanted to say this earlier, but we kept going. So everyone knows, you're not in the main house. You're in the little house. Yeah.

There's no main house footage still. We're doing a big fucking Dave Chappelle-style block party, but it's going to be way smaller and with less special guests. But, yeah, I want to get some musical guests. Again, we didn't know it was going to be this late in the year. We're going to have to hope for a day that it's nice outside or just, yeah, maybe Christmas now that the fucking cabinet fronts aren't going to be here until after Thanksgiving.

I was planning on Thanksgiving. Oh, my God. Yeah. And those two fucking people. front's not going to be here until after thanksgiving i was planning on my god yeah and those two people they uh yeah doug's kid and uh and the cabinet maker's kid it's not his son but yeah i know they both blame each other you know hey i'm sorry about this this would be done by now if we were brought onto the job when we should have been brought onto the job for this pro cabinet project this would be done it's sorry it's it's them and then the other guys like yeah sorry it's taken if someone would hurry up with the cabinet fronts this would be all done like yeah in the middle of this i think that's a very normal uh explanation from tradesmen not all of them i don tradesmen. Not all of them.

I don't want to say all of them are like that. Do you remember when I was on steroids? I think we did a podcast that day. I had to get jacked up with steroids because the cough wouldn't go away. And he just as a, hey, maybe Hail Mary. I'm going to get you a shot of steroids in the ass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And to see if that breaks anything up.

And later we'll schedule some real things. Well, I noticed the other day when I was scratching my ass, there's a, I don't need to show you. No, you don't. It's just a Band-Aid on my ass. It's been there ever since? From then? Yeah, that was a. That's two weeks ago he's like yeah

like the 23rd of october 24th yeah on the 23rd because we posted it on the 24th okay uh that's uh yeah that's my protest because my shower that was going to be done it'll be done friday that was i was going to shower that day before i went to the doctor um or after i went to the doctor i was gonna shower uh but then it was it's gonna be done friday or whatever so i'll just wait a couple days so this is a protest band-aid i am not showering until i shower in the new shower and that whatever part is missing yeah i'm that band-aid is gonna be there as a sign from what you told me the only part that's missing from that shower is water that's and the they told me that because they had to break it down but they didn't tell me why i go okay so the the new addition part of the house uh that's all fine water wise

and my sink in the uh uh kitchen sink is that's all so it's just the bathroom just don't with the new bathroom now he goes yeah you're right and uh but they said that it's gonna be done friday there's always some Friday. Yeah. So that's when I tracked the guy. I know they checked the water because when the walls were open, that's when you check for leaks. I'm betting the Band-Aid rots off your ass. It's surgical grade. I got this right from the Copper Queen Tombstone Annex.

This is not some dollar store shit I would buy. My bet holds. This is what insurance buys me. Oh, by the way, insurance. You got some things about insurance because I accidentally opened one of your things, and I'm like, I was so eager. Now is my time. I paid like fucking $1,400 for one blood draw, for one labs. And it's because I always had that catastrophic health care.

Like if I was in like a Reverend Derek Carr wreck, I'd be in helicoptered and given the last rites. Yeah, it'll cover that. But if you just want to like get a checkup, which I never did until this. Oh, yeah. Well, you have like a fucking $3,000 deductible. So I get a change. Now this is that window.

I can go in and fix that. And now I'll work with my doctor to bleed them out of every fucking penny. You and I have the same insurance carrier. How are you opening my mail by accident? I accidentally opened one of your things and realized it's yours. And that was after Bingo threw the envelope into the trash and then got spaghetti sauce on it. So I couldn't even, like, put it back into the envelope. And she goes, is that the envelope you needed?

Because, yeah, it's good. But we don't even have the same carrier. I know. I was just, I fucking opened the wrong thing i was going through people talk to me i try to focus on things nobody lets me bingo just talks to talk oh it's making me crazy once she gets in a good mood she'll just go okay and now okay like she just goes through a day yeah all right I'm gonna sip out of this straw it's a green straw I got a green straw and a green cup and I she every thing that goes through her head comes out of her mouth and yeah I gotta trying to do uh trying to do math here with the bills and stuff honey hold on I'm checking out what what procedure shaley had done she started yelling at me when i

talking to the uh uh spark light about okay well i want to um you know jack this is back back up and tell chad what you what happened yeah okay i the internet has been shitty over here and we have all these smart tvs now so like it's like buffering and then we're not working in certain parts of the house so i called sparklight to uh ramp up the the megahertz or these big lots or the whatever because i know i didn't know at the offices i like let's get it a little better than what we have at the funhouse because that. He wanted to upgrade the service. Yeah, that's it. And she's telling me all this stuff. And, well, at this location, you could get a better deal if you did this and that.

But she couldn't find 212 Van Dyke Street. He wanted you to move? Well, it turns out I don't have a spark light here. All this stuff. I was on the home for like 40 minutes. She upgraded one of the – because I have it at the Hazard for bingo. The quiet house. Yeah.

And Raider's old house, I just had it put in there, and I didn't realize until I had already done all these fucking upgrades that, oh, I don't have it for the fun house so chad basically what he did was remember uh two weeks ago when we figured out andy was upstairs really close to the access point but he was trying to connect his computer to the downstairs furthest position from him he was clicked that's what doug was doing he was trying to connect in an that the new house doesn't have any uh access point or routers or anything repeaters so he was basically trying to connect you know too far away to try and do it and so what i did is i hung up on a spark light after all that and then i called direct tv because if it's not spark light after all that and then i called direct tv because if it's not spark light it's going to be direct tv and then i was on hold with them and they're yeah then they said we

direct tv doesn't even have internet it couldn't be us we don't do it at&t does but they don't offer it where you live and i went wow maybe we, maybe we've been stealing it from the neighbors all these years. Or the satellite dish on top of the fun house could be a clue. Oh, I've been using that as a walk. I did tell you last week also that what the password was. And I said, oh, it's Starlink. Well, that's not, oh, okay. That's not the name of the, when click on it says bisbee star i don't

shaley i do have to tell you as well one day when i was over there for football there was a guy working which uh i have another thing i was gonna say about that too but uh he was hanging a flag up on the top and he said i don't i don't think it'll work right here instead i was like i just put it over there with the satellite dish i was like uh I don't think it'll work right here. And Stan was like, just put it over there with the satellite dish. I was like, I don't think you want a flag on your satellite dish. But, yeah, that was funny. That gig, you're talking about getting your work done. You guys were complaining about your workers and stuff that day.

And I was appalled. I was like, why don't you guys just call sierra vista like there's a whole city like you're married to bisbee there's like a whole city right here in sierra vista where you can actually get workers that will do work and i went on a whole rant about it and then about five minutes later stanhope goes yeah that guy right over here that was sitting right here is uh uh he was supposed to work yesterday but didn't show up so that's why he's here today oh fuck i was sitting there fucking ripping on that guy indirectly and by the way we went through everyone through the registrar of contractors that were like in the fields that

we were looking for no one wants to go to bisbee to do to do work that is uh especially multiple here's the problem i've been going to home depot quite a bit and uh the uh gal there uh said that yeah they they won't even go to old bisbee she was tempted to move there once and then the stairs she read like the real estate listings will list for old bisbee uh you know two bedroom one baths 400 square feet 96 stairs that you have to climb up to get to your little cabin and uh they won't yeah home depot won't deliver to old bisbee so i bet a lot of workers think they don't know the difference between old business yeah well and it makes sense to you don't you you know to get into a house a lot of those old houses is really just fucking opening up a you know a can of worms

and a lot of cases 1910 yeah i mean that was the whole reason we had the fire and it's the same thing as with where i grew up in globe that you know they're all built with excess mining fucking scrap shit that they got and nobody planned to stay for very long they were gonna fucking leave abandon these if they left for two weeks they'd come home and they'd see a spot where their house used to be because people would just scavenge yeah well there might be a mine there fuck it was crazy you know but yeah it's uh i get it why people wouldn't want to do that but you know there's a good racket there of in bisby because right after that uh that guy got up and proceeded to uh paint stanhope's uh uh mailbox

for seven and a half hours yeah you haven't you. You haven't done anything to it, right? I can still see the seven-hour paint job? Yeah, yeah. He did it with the exterior paint, interior paint. Oh, great. And I go, interior paint. So now we have to strip it. It won't last.

I go, I don't care. You keep questioning everything I tell you to do. You should move that paint out of the sun. It's going to burn. I go, it's not mine. I don't care if it's burns don't tell me what don't come over here and tell me what you're supposed to do you're a handyman and you're not even handy uh okay he kept bragging about being 60. you know how like 85 people yeah he kept saying you know what just because i'm 60 i'm not gonna keep me down well you know what you're you're a good looking 60 for the 1500s like

like if if there was a bubonic plague and you you just shook it off in a day or two yeah you look pretty good for that i was i i actually was like well i get it if i was 75 years old i'd probably milk out painting a mailbox for seven hours too but he looked like the condition of nick nolte's mugshot oh wow like that's how he felt i need seven and a half hours to paint basically the equivalent of less than a sheet of plywood is uh that says it all so to be fair he did smoke a joint uh with me and derek uh some lunchbox invited himself to smoke yeah he did but then he tried to give me some of his smoke and he's like we can roll some with mine

and i just handed it back and i go i'm gonna be honest with you dude i go i'm not gonna smoke that yeah lunchbox is good stuff all right As I'm peeing, to recap, just for the sports, we moved me and Brendan Walsh's Get to the Point NFL Picks podcast. It's going to live stream every Thursday at 4.30 in the afternoon. That way it can hang around. Then it will live for the weekend uh on YouTube so uh yeah tune in for that and uh the Michael Bean bets you know I bet him we pick a game of the week every week he picks the game and I pick uh the team and I am oh and nine wow unbelievable I I I love being up did some math or Google you did some good he did some Google when I was 0 and 80 goes you know I just looked it up to go 0 and 8 I just looked

up coin flips to go 0 and 8 it's a your probability is 0.53 like now it goes down to like 0.1 if i uh oh and nine so if i go oh and ten it's gonna be incredible like it's i gotta do like struck by lightning versus ten coin flips in a row is what we're looking at if I don't win that you would guess wrong yeah yeah so whatever I'm

betting I'm starting to bet against it it's only $100 a week that we bet so I'm starting to ramp it up and I'm betting more and more

through my wait so you're into them for $900? yeah oh wow but again I'm betting more and more through my sports. Wait, so you're into him for $900? Yeah. Oh, well. But again, the odds of me fucking losing 10 in a row are so astronomical. Now I might bet $1,000 against myself. Do you think maybe he's time traveling? Yeah, man.

He's got that access to the Terminator. He should time travel to a younger him and stop trying to fuss about 900 bucks. All right, gentlemen, do we have anything to add? That's it. I won't be. I'm going to miss two sundays uh i i leave saturday uh and then i get home on sunday late afternoon or or evening even i maybe i'm just i'm staying overnight so i'm gonna miss two days of football i'll be home monday the 20th with uh alex and toe uh from uh brisbane and uh

hopefully i'll have this place and decent enough shape that we can well eat a lot of thanksgiving and then hit the ground running on some dumb projects all right i miss you both i saw that Tracy walking around in the background Yeah, we're Going to do a quick dinner Before the next podcast Oh yeah, all right All right, beautiful

I'll talk to you all soon Get on the mailing list DougStanup.com That'll all be Hold on, hold on hold on hold on uh greg these are from the these are from patreon there's also a chat feature on patreon on your phone you have to go on the app on your phone you can go in there you can ask the doug questions you can ask me questions you can ask chad questions directly i went and answered a bunch

of questions just so people knew we were uh we were responding so that's live now on chat on patreon so as a subscriber you have direct access some of the questions that Greg Thompson says you look good with hair Doug have you not been shaving your head is that what's going on well it's a little it's a number four I just get it cut okay yeah so all this you're not yeah you're not getting drunk and throwing it back oh no i think it's not down to the number one i believe it was on the movie yeah so uh about the movie ben asks uh road dog um the movie we have a lot of people commenting on on watching it they they enjoy it

i think you've got some real acting chops by the way i know you don't give a shit about that but uh have you seen the movie yet have you seen the movie doug yeah yeah i saw it in the theater in chicago okay uh would there be a chance to do like a uh road dog watch along with the patreon like they watch at the same time as us we're going to be doing a ton of patreon stuff as soon as uh when are you when are you back chile january for like for goodsies second week of january i think all right because i'm i'm stockpiling stuff and ideas and uh even i get uh i unloaded the crawl space in which there is a giant tub of VHS tapes. Remember when I bought that TV with the VHS player in it?

It's just like a 15-inch or something. Yeah, so I can watch that stuff. I just want to load up Patreon with all sorts of fucking goodies before we change the price i give people a month of uh yeah this is what we're gonna do on the regular now that i'm not booking road dates especially because i'm not gonna stand in that fucking line even though i wasn't booking them anyway but uh yeah oh one more shows and come to the fun house when we do shows. One more thing. Someone was asking about New Year's Eve.

Are you doing a plaza show at New Year's Eve? No, absolutely not. Okay. That's it. Great questions. Keep them coming. Oh,

yeah. I was going to also mention, I forget. I wrote a little story. It's on Amazon uh oh yeah oh shoot if uh you want to check it out i think everybody that wants to check it out probably has but i don't know in case you haven't yeah i know uh if we i don't know if i just plugged it online but there it is it's called the purpose by chad shank yeah brett brock did the

front uh artwork that uh amazon required even though it's a ebook they require you to have a a front artwork and uh brett brock did it for me oh and supposedly i shouldn't even say it but i got the cover well you don't have to you don't if you don you don't. But no, I have my book. The hardcover is supposedly on its way. And it's, I love the new cover. No encore for the donkey. Yeah. I'll be home November 20th and Chaley and I will be in the same place at the same time. And I want to do a Black Friday yard sale,

but we should also do something online, especially if those hardcovers are here because the cover is gorgeous and I've been waiting for two years for a decent hardcover. I have not seen the artwork. I can't wait to see it. Fucking beautiful.

Great. And think of an eBay yard sale, all my vintage ashtrays. I think that's a great gift for Christmas. I have gorgeous, old-fashioned, vintage, old-timey. You got some good little round ones like in the casino and stuff like that. But you also got some of those big ones, which are good for holding keys in the casino and stuff like that but you also got some of those big ones which are good for holding keys holding change and stuff like that i i love old ashtrays so yeah those are good those are a good gift i might need to look through when you would sell those uh i've been looking uh right now on ebay for slag glass those are the best yeah i love those yeah oh yeah no i had a few i gave some of those away

i don't want to say this someone gave me a lot of ashtrays and they don't listen to the podcast because she's always cycling but i think that's when you can say it that's the one thing you can't say when there's someone who doesn't i know i's being coy. But, yeah, her mother, she gave me a bunch of her mother's ashtrays, but they were really old-fashioned, vintage, but gaudy. But I grabbed one of the good ones. Yeah, that's all.

Come on. Gave the rest away. I might have just given them back to her. I don't know. Anyway, I'm going to go get ready for Thursday night football or Monday night football. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even. Anyway, I'm going to go get ready for Thursday night football or Monday night football. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't even know who's playing jets. All right. I'm going to go cook some Omaha steaks, hamburgers for me and Raider and Derek. All right, man. All right.

I love you. Talk to you soon. Okay. Bye. Bye now. សូវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.