The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep# 536 - "Fireside Pod with Bingo"

Episode Date: January 14, 2024

Doug sits by the fire with Bingo to talk about her visit to the White House. Thank You Patreon Subscribers. We could not do this without your ongoing support. NOT A SUBSCRIBER? Go to https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast to support the podcast and have direct access to Doug and crew. Recorded Dec 15th, 2023 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) and Bingo. Produced by Alex Hodgins. Edited by Chaille. Signed copies of "This Is Not Fame" available while supplies last at Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ LINKS: HelloFresh.com - Go to HelloFresh.com/STANHOPEFREE and use code STANHOPEFREE for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. HelloFres, America’s #1 Meal Kit. DraftKings.com - Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code STANHOPE. New customers can bet just 5 bucks on the NFL action and score 200 instantly in bonus bets. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant   Support the podcast at patreon.com/stanhopepodcast Photo by Alex Hodgins Copyright 2013-2023 Shake The Baby, INC. & Meatwig Merch Media, LLCSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, HelloFresh. Whether your resolution is to save money, eat better, stress less, HelloFresh is here to help you do all three. Say hello to your most delicious year yet with fresh ingredients and chef-crafted recipes at a price you'll like delivered right up your door. Go to HelloFresh.com slash StanHopeFree and use code StanHopeFree for free breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free breakfast for life at HelloFresh.com slash STANHOPEFREE with code STANHOPEFREE. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit.

I would love to do a list of every cute name we come up with for a podcast and you go go it's taken thank you i the doug stanhope podcast i'm amazed wasn't taken we thought about calling this whining and dining whining and dining with bingo bingaman but there's a episode to dine of something Wining and Dining Sip That Red Wine Bitch Sounds like a little more caustic than what we're going for With this ambiance Are we filming?

Yep We're going We're going Yes, it's Wining and Dining It's not this Wining with bingo. It doesn't matter. We don't need a title.

Okay. It speaks for itself. We already talked about you on an earlier podcast. What did you say? We kind of alluded to how you've been jet-setting around in your hot faux fur white coat and a pom-pom delta hat at the White House, sending pictures of you with Michelle Obama. Yeah. Or a portrait of her.

But you haven't told us really any details about your flying around the world and, you know, just casually landing in the White House. Do you want to hear? Yeah, we want to hear. Should I go with my friend first or just go straight into the book? Yeah, no, well, let's start with before you left. You got adorned. I'll make it brief if you like.

Yeah. You had some mushroom epiphanies. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, we're going there. Okay. No, we're going to skip over that. But yeah, some grief you've dealt with. And it led you to a thing that your friend Lindy, Whiskey Girl's sister,

and the friendship you have that was something that was very important that made you go and do what i wanted to make the biggest gesture i could think of for her and my love for her and our friendship her nickname is bug my only for me i i just have always called it bug. But so that was getting a tattoo, which I am against. I hate tattoos. But I thought I found the loophole because I'm terrified of commitment. I don't want the tattoo. So I'm like, I'm a genius.

I'm going to tattoo my huge, repulsive, disgusting callus on my big toe with bug. And I'll get out of it. And this is, I guess, I don't know what you're wearing. Maybe we could get a snapshot and put it in of that I have one have you checked oh you do have a picture we've got that whole 18 minute video

we can throw that into this we haven't brought this up on any podcast he's got everything okay so good well you can just cut around this um and show that when she uh first showed the tattoo artist he's like thought she was exaggerating and then she pulled out the callus oh he was grossed out by it but he's like he liked me so much he, okay, we can do that for you.

But damn, that's gross. Well, let's take a little look at that footage right now. There's actually a really good explanation you gave to Ryder as he drove. Yeah, he caught all that in the car ride over. Yeah, a whole sort of genesis of, yeah. I'm going to get my, uh... Where are you going? Just get my, uh, my Arizona car

and listen. Gross. What? Why do you have Packers? There, there's your Dolphins. Okay, I'll take my Dolphins. Yeah. Yeah, big fucking losers, the Dolphins. Oh, that's another podcast. Shut up, we're coming back. Catch me and Brendan Walsh and Sean T. Green doing our NFL picks poorly.

Thursday at 4.30. That's beautiful. Just as you were hitting the bar, I was like, shut the fuck up. Oh, yeah, right. Making Chaley crazy. That's what we say when we set anything down at a bar like this during a podcast. Oh, and anyway. I don't think Alex is thrilled with that either, but.

Yeah, so, okay. So the White House, at some point, your sister, and we think it's because she's a spinster, so to speak, And we think it's because she's a spinster, so to speak, was offered the job as a main. I only had that on in case Lindy called bug, but it was not. OK. The main meteorologist for the White House. Right. Which I guess takes quite a bit of time.

Several months to get. What is it called? Security clearance. Yeah. Yeah. So she's out there kind of being watched. They did have her. Fingerprinted and cloned. Yeah.

They did have her move out there. And she's acting. She's working the job. But she's still going through security. And. I wouldn't be surprised if she just fell for a phishing scam yeah it's so weird that the email went to my spam folder my junk folder thank god i caught it um yeah so i paid the i paid the headhunter what do they call those headhunters

bounty hunters no the people that get you jobs they go out corporate yeah i had to pay pay him his fee of twenty five hundred dollars and he says i'll be in the white house at any any time like there was some other fees that i had to cover like my security clearance fee there's another fifteen hundred i had to hit mom up there There's a $10,000 overriding balloon payment. But I make that all back. He said I make $2 million a year as the head meteorologist for the White House. And then she brought you out for a tour. Well, they gave her four tickets for the Christmas ornament thing in the East Wing.

And it was spectacular. I took my friend and... I thought the East Wing was like Wicked Ghetto. Like you don't even go there after dark. That's what I heard. Well, I guess the First Lady gets to plan the East Wing

Christmas stuff. That's what I was told. Alright. And it was called the White House Christmas stuff. That's what I was told. All right. And it was called the White House Christmas thing? Yeah. Were there other people on them? Yeah, there was a lot of people on it. And each room in East Wing was done up to the nines, and it was pretty spectacular. Chaley would have noticed that audio problem right away.

Alex. But I'm going to get it out of there and people are going to be like, what audio problem? Who's up for commercials? Hello, fresh. I'll tell you where this one saves my ass, Chaley, because now that you can even hear the echo, I think,

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Hello Fresh, America's number one meal kit. Yeah, so was there like a tour guide that made jokes along the way? No, I don't think the White House is like stand-up comedy life, like living with Doug Stanton. Well, when you have a tour guide, tour guides and that's why well there are people in every room talking about the paintings on the walls and stuff like that in the red room and the stuff room yeah but that's what i'm saying generally when someone's a tour guide they try to like have some funny barbs they throw in on the tour that they say. That's why

I never will take a guided tour because I know the guy's going to try to be funny. You clearly weren't invited. Well, obviously if there's a ton of people on it, did they have brochures in their hand? Did they have wristbands? Anyone could have gone on this tour

is what I'm asking. There was a brochure or maybe a booklet. There was a booklet. Did you fill out a comment card and drop it in a fishbowl? Just so you know, you've got all these tickets to the White House. It's called paper in the room, honey. No. It's not a popular administration no no what night was it was it a weekend i guess they usually paper the room during the week

no it really wasn't i went with my big sister so she she was and did she show you where she's going to work? No, that's in the big wing or something. All right. We can't go over there. All right. So was it, like if your sister wasn't involved and you flew, okay, you have to understand. You can't go because I had to go through security check weeks before I got to go. They had to do all the security on me just to go.

Well, hang on, that's a good question. First of all, we flew to Massachusetts. We're holding most of the details of that so we, till we make our mini docu-podcast. But she flew with us, massachusetts was the last minute your vacation was planned and already on the books so you had to fly to massachusetts and then all the way back through jfk through atlanta back to late at night to t airport, sleep in a hotel, and wake up and get on a plane back to Atlanta and then to DC. So that's your jet setter.

You're basically a million miler just on that trip alone. So what was harder to, was it harder to get onto a plane or into the White House? Like you're pre-checked, so you didn't have to take off your shoes. Do you have to take off your shoes to get in the White House? Well, here's the thing. They said they had to do all this clearance on me, but I wasn't there for it. And then when me and the friend that I took, there were tons of security, secret service. They said secret service on them.

Tons of that to get into the life. That's not very secret, is it? No, listen. But each time me and this girl, my dearest friend, passed. Not bugged, by the way. There's a lot of friends in this. A friend that likes to remain anonymous. Yeah.

But each time we got cleared with no questions, we looked at each other and went, damn, next one. Damn. Wait, wait. Okay. Did you have to go through a metal detector? Yes. To get into the White House.

It was something with the... A wand? Yeah, or something like that. Yeah. So you didn't have to stand like this and be x-rayed? No. Okay, so you have to do that to get on a plane. Yeah. But not to get on a plane,

but not to get into the White House. You don't have to, you have to take off your shoes if you're not pre-checked, but you didn't have to take off your shoes to get into the White House. Well, I wasn't showing anybody my tattoo, so I would have said no anyway, but no, I did not have to. All right.

How many ounces of liquids could you take into the White House? Were you drinking? Did you smuggle boo take into the White House? Were you drinking? Did you smuggle booze into the White House? No, but I was going to take my liquid ass fart spray. Because you told me too, and I was like, I'm not going to ruin my sister's career. So I did not take fart spray in there. Yeah, but sometimes it's only funny if you ruin her career.

I know, but you thought when I said, I really want to do this, you thought it was a good idea and encouraged me. I was like, I can't do that to my sister. Yeah, all right. So were you liquored up when you went to the White House? We had had some drinks. Okay, that's a yes. Yeah.

And did you back talk at all? Did you sass the tour guide? Well, my friend, okay, I have to say this. Yeah. My friend is really fucking smart. Way smarter than me. And we got into a red room. Let's call her a gurner because that's how I had her in my phone

when I was planning that secret surprise birthday where I flew her out when we first met Marilyn Manson oh yeah Manson's house and then her best friend was there uh so that was she was yeah I had put it under gurner so so if she saw the phone she wouldn't know that something was afoot so we go into this red room mind you I have no idea who are in the paintings I just don't know

and this Zachary Taylor no I don't know any of them so this person this good friend of mine is listening to this guy say, oh, ding dong, funny stories. And then she said, she said something like, oh, is that the murderer someone, someone, or the assassin someone, someone?

And she was just dead serious. Like, I think this was a bad guy. And he was like oh god i don't know what to say she just nailed him and so i started tiptoeing behind her yeah i don't know who it was i don't know anything about this so gurner pointed out i guess this is an actual bad. And he was hung up in there and she pointed out and said he's a douchebag.

And the guy doing the speaking about it... Was it Epstein? What? I don't know. What are you talking about? Jeffrey Epstein? No, he's not a political person. Well, he had a lot of fucking hands in a political pocket. Okay, I don't know.

I don't know. Jessica Blacknob. Who's that? I don't know. Jessica Blacknob. Oh, shit. The fucking neighbors. No, I'll call her back.

Okay. Sammy's. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. All right, let's play a commercial. I've got to throw my shit in the dryer.

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See dkng.com slash football for eligibility and deposit restrictions, terms, and responsible gaming resources. Draft Kings. When you get some skin in the game everything's more exciting. Uh, uh, I can't, I just don't know what was actually going on. But you know what, you're not here to tell stories, you're here to show your bling my play so okay she pointed out some of bad and everyone went wait yeah the guy telling the stories of the room he was just like and just stopped and then we left but yeah you both had a little is this my blink oh yeah i got

my blink you got your blink? Burt Kreischer, all access. Anywhere Burt Kreischer goes in life, we're there. We can just show up, fucking start drinking. There was no booze in our green room, but I told him not to put any booze in our green room. There's no booze in his green room. Huh? In the catering room, no booze. Hmm.

No, there wasn't. No. Well, not even in the cooler, there was no beers or anything? No shit. Huh. I don't know. Well, we'll get to that on that special edition. Please get the Patreon word out.

And maybe one day you'll run into this gal at an airport, bumped up to first class as a gold. You know what? That's hard to do. Me? Especially, yeah, they sent me an email because I control her travel and her comings and goings. And you call it human trafficking.

I call it, you know, saving a child. Can we go back to the White House? Oh, yeah. What else? Oh, yeah. You wore, we said we were going to wear our laminates uh from the show december 7th uh to uh all the way to new year so i took that seriously and wore my lanyard to the white house and then at the end of the thing there was the seal, the presidential seal. And so I got me and Brooke.

What's that? I just forgot about Mimi. She's waiting at the studio. Oh, go on. Call her. Sorry. So I got me and Brooke. Should I have said her name?

Yeah, that's okay. Anyway, so I'm holding up my Bert Kreischer lanyard with the presidential seal. And it was Secret Service who was taking the pictures because you couldn't do that on my phone. Oh, they... They have to take the picture. But they let you have your phone. They let us have our phone. No movies or no videos. Okay, so you can have your phone in the in the white house but not at a dave

chapelle show yeah i'm just saying no i'm not i'm just saying the white house seems like a pretty much a fucking uh easy pass could could you have smuggled fucking booze in there how about can you bring hummus because tsa wouldn't let me bring fucking hummus on a plane because it's uh some kind of viscous well you know if it attaches to the side of the container it's a paste and paste is like a liquid and can you bring paste into the white do you think if you had hummus in your pocket anyone would have stopped you i think i could have gotten paced in the White House. What if? What? And this is a very bingo possibility.

What? What if you had to take a shit while you're on that tour? Could you have taken a shit in the White House? That I really don't know. You didn't notice anyone ducking out to a... There was no outhouse. You didn't see a restroom. Outhouse?

I mean... Outhouse at the White House. There was no... Nobody said, here's a toilet for you. Walk out with... There's no hole in it. You're cut off. You're barefoot.

I don't know. Going out to the outhouse. It's got a half moon carved in the door. I don't know. And an owl living in the roof. That's a callback. Walked up Willie. I wish a lot of me wishes that I wanted to be there with you.

I mean, I wish I go, oh, gosh, darn it. I wish I was at the White House, but I would have been. Yeah, I would have wanted to drink i drank before and after i think you could have done it but uh it's hard for you to hold your tongue did i did anyone heckle anyone say just my pal just her and she said it so smart yeah no i wish i could remember that because you told me this is why we should always maybe not even podcast immediately after a thing but maybe just film everything and then only air the parts because we forget everything within minutes no that's you and me yeah for sure so sure. So, yeah, I think maybe you should have... Would you...

And please, I think the screen went dead. Are we wasting time here? Call Alex. In case we're still talking. I think the screen went dead. Call Alex. He's on the phone

helping his lady with another podcast. Ugh. I was going to ask the folks watching if there was bingo cam, just live bingo cam, how many people would have tuned in if we had her live on camera going from a Tucson airport through TSA and then through Atlanta. Just trying to make her way with travel all by herself. Oh, it's a disaster. It is a fucking, everybody would be stressed out. It's, I am a disaster.

I know. You wouldn't even know you were mounted with a camera. Just put it in a new fuzzy turquoise hat. You did that without me knowing and i would murder you when i go well you'd never know because we just put it on the internet it would be live feed the whole time oh i hate your guts thousands of people would tune in took a dump and you know when i yeah i when i had this uh when i take a dump you know it's disastrous no it's it's other people you That she can't film in a toilet.

I would sue you. I really thought this through when I was doing dishes earlier. And I go, oh, this is a great idea. Bingo cam. And she doesn't know that she's. No, I would cut off your dick. But then you can't go into a toilet. That would be.

I would cut off your dick and then slice it up. I wonder if we do. In front of you. Hey, if anyone is listening, because we think the camera died, but what are the legalities of, oh, no, those capabilities, I should say, of if we were to live feed a hidden camera hidden in her hat and give her a new stupid hat, and she would always wear a stupid hat. No, I'm not okay with this. Could we remotely cut it out if she were to venture into a toilet like in the White House? I'm not okay with this.

I'm not okay with this. I wouldn't. You wouldn't know it's happening. I know, but when I found I found I would cut off your dick when I my colonoscopy I like all that

you know sweating and fucking joking and you go I didn't even know I got a colonoscopy you just go in

and they fucking put a needle in your arm and an IV and then you wake up and you go I know but did I broadcast that for you over everything the point is it would be the same thing you would never know that you just did a podcast for nine

hours flying across the country um i don't want it done i know you wouldn't know we did it what do you what do you i mean you're as vain as I know anyone to be and you still don't even Google yourself. I don't. I know. So you would never know that you're the biggest hit, like the fucking Truman Show. Bingo camera would be Truman Show. Absolutely. But I don't want to be big.

I don't want to be there. I know you're not going to know what's happening. You're going to forget we had this conversation. Much less look for cameras in your hat. I don't want that. How come you keep buying me hats? She doesn't remember. That'd be tomorrow morning. The first hat shows up

and it's got a blinking battery pack. I don't want that. I don't want that. It's happening. I really will slice your dick off one slice at a time if that happens to me. One slice at a time. All right.

Well, that's the name of this podcast. One Slice at a Time with Bingo Bingaman. And I'm going to, now we're going to just, this is how we should end every podcast. Like fucking smartless. Here, write this down because I swear to God, maybe that camera's been going. Oh. That's our Smartless gimmick is at the end of the fucking podcast, you know how they try to find a fake way to get to, if you haven't watched Smartless. I know what it is.

I'm not going to try to explain it to you. I watch Smartless. get to if you haven't watched smart list i know i'm not gonna try to explain it to you but that's what we do is we try to find a cute nickname for our podcast but in conversation one slice at a time and then what we do in our gimmick is we go hey google one slice at a time podcast let's see if it's taken don't see that one got it playing the latest episode of one slice at a time let's see if it's taken don't see that one got it playing the latest episode of one slice at a time let's talk about International Women's Day on Google podcasts we'll see you next time on one size at a time Hello everyone and welcome to the Child Fund Podcast, one slice at a time. All kinds of information with the help of our guests. Let's just keep going.

Today I'm not going to be your host. Instead, my friend Alice Matthews is taking the microphone today. Please, if you're still listening, we should have set this up by now but go to the One Slice at a Time podcast and subscribe

and send tell them how funny they were and how great the host the host the host Bingo Bingaman

that's fucking great he will have found a way to make this. I'm sure during the laughter of one slice at a time coming through the Google, that's where he'll cut it. And right now we're just killing batteries. That was a lot of fun.