The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #68: Doug & Chad Shank talk Hookers and White Slavery

Episode Date: April 21, 2015

Doug & Chad Shank talk Hookers and White Slavery. Doug's Netflix recommendations - G.L.O.W, The Sheik, We Cause Scenes and some wrestling movie with a guy named Gardo in it.Support the podcast with a donation or purchasing some Stanhope merch. Recorded April 18, 2015 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Jobi Whitlock (@dscdp), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.Links-2003 AVN Awards Page - http://bit.ly/1cSnHVCIntro music "Your Song" lyrics by Bernie Taupin, covered by The Mattoid. Closing song "I Can't Remember When You Were Mine" from Mishka Shubaly's new cd COWARD'S PATH. Mishka Shubaly songs available on iTunes.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good night, everyone. Good night. Good night. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. It's motherfucking funny This feeling inside To start with one of those cocksuckers Who can so easily hide

I got no money But if I did I'd buy a motherfucking house Where we all get to live If I was a sculptor But then again, no One of those cocksuckers Who play piano in there On Las Vegas show

Well that ain't much but it's the best I can do Cause my gift is my motherfucking song And this motherfucker's for you And this motherfucker's for you So you can tell everybody That this is your song It might be quite simple but Now that it's done

I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind I put it down it was How wonderful life is While you're in the world How wonderful life is while you're in the world How wonderful life is while you're in the world. Do you have Netflix recommendations? I don't have Netflix recommendations. Best series ever.

First thing out of Joby's mouth is he Gretchen's the podcast oh he doesn't know we're recording he doesn't know Doug Stanhope podcast Saturday night where we are what time is it there call in and let us know yeah I get some Netflix wrecks

and I don't remember the fucking names of them because I wasn't. There's one about the Iron Sheik. I think it's just called Sheik. It's called Sheik. Yeah, it's fucking great. I fell asleep. That was like five in a row. I watched last week, and one was Improv Everywhere,

but We Cause Scenes is the name of the documentary, and they do, like, flash mobby kind of shit that's funny. So that was one. That's two. Well, no, then I watched the three wrestling ones in a row. The one where Gardo, he's the wrestler kid is some guys that took backyard wrestling to a next level where they're selling out you know 1200 cedar kind of thing they're in scotland and they get that fucking thick scottish accent and this one wrestler that

they focus on named gardo and he he comes out to madonna and he just does these fucking silly dances it's it's it was just a really something like uh ultimate fight club i don't know just look up just look up gardo documentary g-a-r-d-o i'll watch that one it's fucking wicked fun There was a third wrestling one Oh, Glow Glow The Glamorous Ladies of Wrestling Their whole story from the 80s In Vegas

So there were three good wrestling documentaries in a row Which I was surprised When I saw that on your Netflix Like recently watched Because I had to set up the The wireless connection Over at the other place where you're writing the book. And I'm like, what the – is this – what is someone's account? Who else watches Netflix over here?

And you're like, oh, that's really good. I'm like, what? Glow? Yeah, yeah. There's another documentary about lady wrestlers from like the 50s on that I that i watched a long time ago and that was really good and so i i watched this one and then of course i've watched fucking everything that i want to watch on netflix it seems they you get to a point where you go i think everything i would be interested is done and then you find one like glow and then when once once you're done do you

want to well yes i do because i have nothing in my list that i want to watch i always wonder where the fuck those are when i'm searching through the documentaries category how's it like they're holding something back just in case waiting to see what i like i try to i don't know if you ever play like video poker in vegas where you're trying to think like the machine thinks like all right how they like if i was the computer program to fuck me but i do that with netflix ratings where i i don't want to rate something that sucked low because there's stuff like that that i want to see and i don't want to give a one star to a certain genre of documentary just because that specific

one sucked so then i go ahead and five star to give me something in that genre that's better you don't want to be x'd out exactly like a genre that you might that you do enjoy just because you saw one lemon i'm more paranoid than that i won't rate anything on netflix we have no suggestions for you Chad Shank when you get to the pearly gates Jim Carrey is the guy that lets people in wait you gave Ace Ventura Dumb and Dumber 2 was a good

movie how dare you give it a one star Chad Shank you're in purgatory alright I extrapolated that a bit hi I'm Bingo All right, I extrapolated that a bit. A little bit. Hi, I'm Bingo Buttercheese Bigwin. So, yeah, and then I watched two sex trafficking.

I don't know the names of them. This is when it was, like was getting to 7 in the morning. Why am I fucking still awake? One of them called Tricked. Yes, that was the first one. It's a hot cover. That's why I remember it, because when I was flipping through, it has that chick squatted down with that ass hanging out. Does she have her hands behind her back?

Yeah, she's bound with her ass all in black and then you read the thing and it's like, this is a documentary about how horrible people exploit women for monetary gain. You're doing it!

It works! It's fucking great. Oh, Jesus. You should tweet that at them. They touched all the bases on that one. Yeah. Because she's Asian, right?

Right in the description. She's Asian. Come on, Chad. She's Asian. Well, you don't see her face, but that ass. Come on. She's Asian. You know it.

The second one was, I remember it started in Asia, but then it turns out that human trafficking, or maybe that is tricked, the description. Either way, they were both, the second one I was in and out of sleep. But they were both from the same angle of prostitution is always bad and it's always a dude, the prophets. They act like no woman has ever been a prostitute just on her own and went – know i i it's a fucking easy way to make money and enjoy the lifestyle like yeah i'm okay with it yeah i'm not gonna nobody likes to whatever you do you'll get sick of fucking doing i saw a porn get shot once uh in when i lived in la when i had done a show at acme it was ac. You might have been there, Jen. There was a guy, front row center, a table of the most St. Louis Park,

suburb-looking, uptight people at Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis, and I was fucking with him. Yeah, you don't want to hear this kind of stuff. Just doing that I'm upsetting you thing. And afterwards, the guy comes over. He goes, actually, I'm not from here. I'm from Los Angeles. I live in the Valley. I do pornography.

He's a producer. Like the whole time, they're front row center. I'm just making fun of how uptight they are. And so when I went back to L.A., I went out to see a shoot at some castle in the valley, like someone's house that they built like a castle, and I remember it was Eric Everhard was the actor's name. I'm a fan. I'm a fan.

Well, you don't forget that name, and it was like a makeup chick, the guy with the camera, this guy, the producer, and the two porn people and me. And I'm sitting around trying to make jokes and shit and no one fucking. I did the AVNs once. Porn people, as a rule, do not like me. I have a better black fan base than porn fan base.

You hosted the AVN. I hosted it. They hated me backstage. They hated me on stage. They fucking hated me at the buffet. They fucking hated me. And I tried to not do like the corny, obvious porn jokes,

like even conversation. They still fucking hated me. And I thought AVNs, they'd have a sense of humor. Like I, I thought it's obviously the avns are the oscars of pornography they're they're porn awards and i thought well everyone takes that tongue in cheek like no pun uh that tongue in anus That they'd be goofy about it. No. They were as uptight as any vapid actress and sweating backstage and hoping to win and angry if someone else won. You took your mom to that. Did we?

Yeah, because all of the crew from Alaska that look for any reason to go to Vegas, and then you're hosting the AVNs. So everyone, Duran was there, Matt Becker. I know the Beckers were there and Duran. My brother came out. David Tell was actually filming at the after party for Insomniac. And so I had to go from there and then go do a thing on Insomniac in the loudest boom, boom dance club.

You can't get audio here. I'm shouting at you this close across the table. How are you going to possibly get audio? But they did. Oh, they subtitled it, I believe. Either way. But your mom was there because you came up to me and said, hey, look, they're only giving me one seat at the table,

and I'm taking my mom. Wow. I don't remember and I'm taking my mom. Wow. I don't remember. I know Renee was there. I know I wore this really fantastic blue suit. Same one I wore for my fake wedding to Renee. But I didn't have any shoes. It was blue.

It was the Tommy Rocker. Bingo hair blue. And then I just wore some stupid shoes, probably black. And then there's like a red carpet going in. And I walk in and some queen goes, nice suit. Oh, what's wrong with your shoes? Were you nervous doing that? Some fucking Joan Rivers of the porn fucking herpy red carpet.

Were you nervous doing that? I was fucking terrified because you know they don't want to hear you. And my bits, I don't have quick jokes. I did all my, this is like 2004. So I still had the tit fuck joke and quick things. But shush, Ichabod. It's a goddamn podcast. Who else did that?

I think Belzer did it norton's done it i think i'm sure it tells done it this goes back to bill hicks did it but before you yeah that's what i'm curious about because you decide bobby slayton was always like oh yeah he was the he was their fucking go-to guy he was there billy crystal for many years uh oh so anyway so i go to this porn shoot and it's interesting and i i throw out a few jokes here and there but the dude the point was the dude eric everhard was sick as shit like flu sick and uh the chickies fucking to outside they're fucking in the backyard backyard and they'd go cut. And the girl's gone.

Why did you yell cut? I was just about to come. And the dude's like just coming over and blowing fucking heaves of snot out of his head and just wrecked and hating the fact that he had to fuck this chick. And I'm just so sick and i remember making some crack right as they cut a scene and he walked over and i said something that i thought was funny and he just stopped and glared at me and shook his head like frowning furrowed brow like the fuck who the fuck are you that look sorry. Sorry. He's just really sick. But the point is that it was everything that you think porn is.

The girl's exploited, and the dude is just happy to do it. And it was the exact opposite. That chick was why I was about to come. Come on. It's not like she's playing this up. There's three people there. He's drilling the starlet, and then they yell cut, and he pulls to the side and there's a farmer's hanky into the bushes.

Show biz. So whatever you have to do for a living will eventually suck because you have to do it a living will eventually suck because you have to do it. I love fucking bartending. When we play Go Bananas, instead of hanging out and selling merch, I go to the bar they own next door and I bar back and I fucking get beers. And then people, there's bingo sells merch and I'll sign the thing, but I'm in a hurry. What do you want? Your beer?

Okay, I'll sign your thing. You're drinking? Okay, well, gin and tonic. I can only make drinks that but I'm in a hurry. What do you want? Your beer? Okay, I'll sign your thing. You're drinking? Okay, well, gin and tonic. I can only make drinks that have the ingredients in the name. Okay, we're good. No Negronis? I fucking love doing that. And it clears my head because that onslaught of people after a show is so fucking hard to get through.

Because mentally, you're coming out of a fist fight when you get off stage you're so focused that you go right from a fist fight to I'm running for office glad to meet you kiss your baby and it's really awkward so it puts you right

because all the crowd goes to this bar this bar becomes mobbed right after the show empties. Across the walkway. It's right there. It's as close as the Little House, right there. It's that close. You pass it walking to – to get to your car, you have to walk by this bar where you are now bartending.

Yeah, and it's all in this little strip mall where these are the only two things open. It's right next door. So it's so good for your head because you just go right into the same kind of I don't want to say fight or flight and amplify it too much. But yeah, you're right into chaos again. Point is if I had to bartend, it would suck

shit. I always say I want to quit and bartend because I really like that and I think it's one of the most important jobs. I put it above doctor in the country. Some consider it a doctor. A good bartender is so absolutely necessary in life. A shitty bartender is as bad as a bad doctor. But if you have to do it, it would suck.

But those documentaries, you watched Tricked. No, I didn't watch it. Oh, you didn't watch it? The fucking assholes in it, you go, oh, yeah, I want to kill that guy. That's the default for anything. Yeah. I watch fucking Nick at Night.

There's somebody I want dead. But yeah, the assholes that but they have this this kind of strong arm through line of all women in prostitution are abused. None of them get paid. It all goes to the pimp. Any time anyone's ever sold pussy. No, I've been with hookers. I've fucked a hooker in North Vegas once when I lived there. It was just a young pup, and we lived in North Vegas's fucking crack town.

It's horrific. And me and Mikey lived in this trailer park for a little while. And the tweakers next door, this is when we were kind of screwing around with meth a little bit. Back when you just snorted it and it burned and then you stayed up for two days. But you would anyway because you're young. There's another way to do it. So we were doing some meth with them and I said I was going to go to the whorehouse, which is they say 45 minutes from Vegas and Pahrump.

Okay. The chicken ranch or whatever. I've never been to the Pahrump ones. But I was going to go and go get a hooker. I was all excited. And she goes, the dude, it was a couple, and the dude said,

why are you going to go all the way out there? You can fuck my old lady for $20. $20? Yeah. Fuck, the cab ride out there was $20. $20? Yeah. Fuck, the cab ride out there was $20. How do you pass that up? No, it would have been more.

I was going to drive there. Either way, I end up fucking his old lady. And then we do more meth. Yeah. And then she comes over later on to fuck me again. This one's for free. She just wanted to. Yeah. Yeah. A me again. This one's for free. She just wanted. Yeah.

Yeah. A bogo. Buy one, get one. First of all, I shouldn't have paid money to fuck you in the first place, and now you're proving it. It's not someone you'd look at across the bar and go, man, I'd fucking, I'd spend my whole paycheck just for one.

No, she's the friend of the way you want to fuck. Yeah. I, it saved me the ride. Cause after you fucking doing drugs and drinking. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think I'm in any condition to drive.

All right. I'll fuck your wife. Yeah. Yeah. She, she wasn't coming over to fuck, fuck me for free because her pimp husband. The point is, there's fucking women out there. I'm not saying prostitution is something you should do, but that whole idea.

Have you ever fucked a prostitute? No. No. You? Me? Yeah, either. No. Jesus. Joby? Can I switch out guests?

Chad Shanks here, if you didn't recognize the voice. Look at Joby. You think Joby had to pay for pussy? I'm ugly as fuck, and I've never had to pay for pussy. Yeah, I play guitar, dude. Had to is not the point. It's never about had to pay for pussy. Yeah, I played guitar, dude. Had to is not the point. It's never about had to.

It's just the whole idea. The whole thing with Becker, where I'm like, the bonus footage on word of mouth with me and Becker after I'd just come back from the whorehouse in Alaska. The Ravenite.

The Ravenite, yeah. And yeah, we started tripping. And I go, I don't want to be thinking with my dick or coots. And there's all sorts of fucking coos around. And all right, let's just get out of here. I can't take the people. But I still want to see what my chances are. Let me just go over to the Ravenite, which is a whorehouse a block and a half from coots.

Was there an establishment that was open 24-7? No, no, they weren't. They were closing. That was the whole point of that story. I've done this story on stage. I remember the guy from ZZ Top was there for like three days straight. He just hung out there.

Oh, well, he's the guy from ZZ Top. They might lock the doors. You didn't have that same cachet when you walked up? Yeah, fucking charcoal eyes. So, fuck. Ravenite. Yeah, Ravenite. Yeah, I just went over and dumped.

I don't even think I could come at that point. That's the whole story with this. Yeah, doggy style or missionary. What do you choose? I did that on the Tosh.0 with me and Rogan to the guy. Yeah, that story. Google it. I'm not going to tell it again.

Yeah, sometimes you say, hey, this is something that if it's going to fucking clog up my head is blowing a load. I'm going to sit and spend a lot of money on drinks. It's easier to just go over there, fucking blow a load. And that girl, yeah, her fucking pimp wasn't getting everything she had. Well, the house got a cut.

Yeah, it's like a fucking hairdresser. You got to keep the lights on. Right. A hairdresser rents the fucking station exactly and i'm yes i'm i'm sure a lot of horrible shit goes on but don't exclude well there's waitressing jobs across the street if i mean she's not held captive there so she's clearly making what that's what these documentaries try to prove is well and again i know this happens there's mental manipulation and this girl feels like oh she has nowhere else to go and he provides

safety and she's terrified to leave him because he'll beat her and she has no place to go i know that happens but that's not exclusively what happens it's the same as fucking drug commercials where they bother you because yeah drugs fuck a lot of people up but they don't fuck everybody up so when you exclude the fact that a lot of people do drugs socially as much as a lot of people drink socially and you act like that never happens then it ruins your own argument no a lot of teenagers did fucking smoke pot don't shoot their friend in the face accidentally that generally doesn't happen it is unfortunate that they don't classify alcohol the same way they classify a drug because you run into that situation where other people like they're not talking about the abuse that alcohol has and a lot of people use it socially. I'm sure it's a bit on something, but I always hate when people go,

yeah, alcohol is so much worse. That's not going to help drugs become legal. That's going to help another prohibition come into place with alcohol. I'm not saying it's worse. I'm saying it is also a diversion from reality. It's a way to relax. And they seem to think that it's some way, somehow different. It's grandfathered in.

Exactly. Yeah. Well, at one time, pot was legal too. They've tried prohibition and it didn't work. So, I mean, that's why it's grandfathered in. Well, now the money's coming. And they're doing the same thing with drugs. Pot's doing the same thing.

Yeah. All drugs. Yeah. Pro the same thing. Yeah. All drugs. Yeah. Prohibition isn't working. But bingo when we went to that fucking Isla Mujeres when we just did that Mexican vacation we did. Other than that one good restaurant we found. Verde Green. Yeah. Or we found. The only thing. Verde Green.

Yeah. Or Green Verde. Same thing. Either way, there was one bar that you didn't have to get a cab to, and it was a titty bar across the street. She's like, let's go. No. And I felt like an asshole. It'll be fun.

It'll be fun, and maybe they'll have a buffet. Oh, look, it's me. Maybe I could get an Enchirito with extra sour cream. Oh, look, it's Amatronite. You think I got a shot? Can you tell I'm wearing a G-string or is my meat skirt covering it up? But I felt like a dick. First of all, titty bars are, unless it's like Don King in Austin.

Don King's not the promoter. He's a guy that's like a legendary titty bar owner, and he's a friend of mine. So you go in, and no one fucks with you because, all right, Don King set you up. If you want a table dance, you can go ask a girl, but they're not going to sit there. Titty dancers in general are like Mexican beggar children. Cheek leads, cheek leads. And then all I do is I sit there, and i feel like a dick for not saying no and if i get it i don't a table dance is so i don't have the attention span for it like i'm

looking at other girls it's like a fucking relationship yeah you would have to take it seriously and then that's weird yeah what face do I put on for? Oh, my God. I'm 20 and my libido is going through the roof. No, I don't. Yeah, you have a nice ass, but I like it better from a distance where I can just check a tweet or look at my watch. You don't want to look at your watch during a table dance or check your Twitter. And those are just american titty bars they're like that so when you add in the mexican tourist trap vacation spot

and you're they're already trying to fucking get you any way they can just in the service industry and then you add titty bar on top of that Now it's just a fucking grift every which way around. There's something in your fucking drink. You're not going to make it home. She's saying something to you in Spanish, and she's fucking guiding you with her hand. Like, hey, come this way. And I don't know which way that way is, but you don't want to be the fucking ugly American and be rude. So you just just out of manners you're gonna stumble into some back room

they're gonna fucking blackjack you where'd my liver go see bingo doesn't understand all the fucking problems that can happen so i just look like a dullard who won't go to the titty bar not fucking ned flanders i've thought this through you see how we got grifted by the fucking cab to the ferry, and then we got grifted on the ferry to fucking pay for the pseudo band that plays on the ferry, like the two guys from something about Mary, but they're Mexican and playing horrible music, and then they come over afterwards and put a fucking jug in your face

to get money. Yes. You didn't notice that, did you, Bingo? You just noticed. Oh, a kiddie bar. Don't you notice their sign is spray painted like a 1970s Chevy van, only she doesn't have a sword. You know, the fucking, what do you call it?

Airbrush fucking the side of a van is a wolf and a girl in a helmet and a sword. It's like that kind of airbrushed sign. A breastplate of armor. And I wouldn't even tip the girl on the sign. She wasn't even up to snuff. You can't even put a fake girl on a sign that's hot. But you gave a meth chick 20 bucks. I was 21 years old. No, I wasn't even

21 yet. I was still 20 at that point. I don't know the ages. I'm just trying to gauge it. I would have been in a bar. I wouldn't have been in the trailer park if I was of age. I hadn't thought of that story in a long time. I actually remember seeing that trailer park on Cops a million years ago.

I'm like, fuck, I lived there with Mikey Grites. I fucked that girl. Look, you're almost on TV. Yes. So if there's prostitutes out there, call in and tell us your story of prostitution. I'm trying to think of other hookers I fucked. Oh, my God god the lines are lining up the lines are lining up i i i know and i couldn't give you a i i know that i've gotten

laid or at least back uh ralphie may would remember this my my go-to move was uh is it okay if i just jerk off on your tits? And I get away with that so many times. But there were times where I would say that I'm going to go back to my room and get a hooker and say like a waitress or whatever. Yeah, I'm going back to my room, getting a hooker. And then, of course, really? Yeah, it's fucking easy. i don't want to hang out in this place all night like how much is it and once they find out what you're about to fucking blow on a hooker oh then but they'll they're they're always uh too ashamed to take the money

yeah that's a sideways offer it's a fucking brilliant It was a great move. I used that more than once. I'm going to try that tonight. Might work. I probably would have got a hooker when I was younger. I was just naive when I was in the Army and stuff. I was probably around there. I was in Fort Wainwright and Fairbanks, Alaska. I don't know if there was hookers there or not.

They might have been Indians or something, though. They say there's hookers in Bisbee, but I'm sure they're not full-time. That's point of opportunity. Learn while you earn? The same way, yeah, she's at the bar. The same way I go, I'm going to go get money on a hooker. I'm sure a girl would occasionally in this town go,

yeah, whoa. get money on a hooker i'm sure a girl would occasionally in this town go yeah whoa selma and patty what are you doing that for i'm right here wow i have an uncle that would go in regular bars and just so like that was his pickup line but they weren't even prostitutes. Do you do side work? He's just flat out willing to pay them, and it works. Exactly. That's what I mean. I'm sure there's women like that in Bisbee that would do that. They're not obviously walking on the street.

Yeah, but you could probably fuck them for free if you tried for five more minutes. They probably have a line that works the same way you have a line that works. Oh, I'm so horny, but all I can think about is my cable bill. Get it? Get it? You're not listening. My pussy's wet and Burger King's still open. Do you see? Connect the dots, sir. Sir. My first hooker that I remember was when I moved to L.A. when I was 18.

Only lasted like five or six months. That was an actual street walker. That's when you went out and like we're going to start acting and stuff, right? Yeah, yeah. It'll all be in the book. No, I'm just trying to – because you bopped around quite a bit for a while. But this was your first actual foray into Hollywood. I was 18.

It was my first. I'm an adult. I'm leaving home. I'm going to go to L.A. and be an actor. I didn't realize you had to be able to act and stuff. Yeah, but it was a great learning experience. But I'm sure I brought this. I had one hooker that stole my identity.

I know why we talked about this, because it was with Tosh and Chicken, that fucking phenom kid Chicken that ended up killing himself. Oh, yeah. He won the Montreal Festival, right? Yeah, yeah. It was the last one to get a big deal. A big production deal.

All right, stop with these fucking handing out half a million dollar fucking checks to people because they could do six minutes of something. And then he killed himself. And there was a contingent of people that weren't sad. What was his name? Chicken. He went by Chicken.

He went by Chicken. Because I want to put a link up. No, don't put a link up. It's YouTube. No one's going to buy anything. What? YouTube to what? YouTube link. I don't think he has any. What? YouTube to what? YouTube link.

I don't think he has any. He had no act. Oh, okay. He was the guy that I said made fucking Dane Cook look like Lenny Bruce. He'd literally come out and go, don't you hate dance clubs? You go to dance clubs, and then he'd just have a music cue and jump into the audience and start dry humping a dude in the front row. It's fucking horrible.

But then people would do backflips. They fucking loved it. The fuck we're talking about? What was my point? Have we had a point this whole time? Your first hooker in L.A. Yeah, no, no. Oh, no, when I got my identity stolen.

I was working with him and Tosh in Fort Lauderdale. Oh, maybe we talked because we had... So you're emceeing? Remember the guys we had on the podcast, the brothers, the Dorfmans. The Dorfmans. Yeah. So you're emceeing? No.

Fuck you. Yeah, no. I was headlining and Tosh was featuring and Chicken was opening and destroying to the point where they were, even after Tosh, they were chanting for Chicken. During me, when I was done, they're chanting for Chicken. But one night I got a hooker and Tosh fucking freaked out and ran into his bed. We're in the comedy condo behind the club. What town? Davie, Florida, or it might have been West Palm Beach.

Yeah, I think. I think they used to have two. They had one in Davie, I know for sure. I think this was the West Palm Beach. Because, yeah, Davie. Yeah, this was definitely West Palm Beach. Was it Uncle Funny's? It wasn't Uncle Funny's.

It was the other club. I think they owned them both. I don't know. Either way way it's fucking west palm beach and uh and we go back to the condo hammered and keep getting hammered and it's a three-bedroom house that you you stay in so chicken i'm assuming is asleep i remember dan tosh as soon as he realized i was serious about getting a hooker, fucking ditched into his bedroom. And she came over and she said, I need your credit card. I was paying with a credit card.

So she had to call it in to the service. And then she goes, okay. And the expiration. And I read it off. And the code. And your date of birth. And your social security number. And I gave it to her and then then realized oh fuck i just gave her my social security number you don't need that for a credit

card date of birth yeah i'm just saying i'm all fucking awkward no we don't and then yeah then she says uh i swear to fucking christ i've told this story before on the podcast. Who cares? Tell it. She said, I need to use your bathroom. And the bathroom is attached to the master bedroom where I've hidden all my shit and hooker-proofed my valuables. And I'm like, I can't let her go in that bathroom alone. So I go, oh, can I watch you?

There's a couple times I've had stories where hookers were able to act like I was into something for all their own reasons. And so I'm in the bathroom with her, and she's, like, straddling and pissing, like, spreading her legs so I could watch her piss. And she goes, do you want me to piss on you? And I went, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is real good.

I'm going to stand over by this door with my back to you. The next day, I like to hear it. I just don't want to see anything that's happening. It's not that I don't want you to go through this door specifically. I just, I like the way it sounds. door specifically i just i like the way it sounds i'm stringing up police tape between that door uh so the next day i canceled my credit card but years later i got a collection notice for a phone bill in for a pack bell for a phone in florida i never lived in florida and i called him i'm fucking paying

this i never lived there well you and then i'm calling the club going to like maybe like a waitress stole my you know information it took a long time to put oh that hooker that i gave my social security number two and my birth date and the credit card, my fingerprints and my DNA at the end. That's kind of part. You kind of expected that part. But yeah, I never paid that bill. Never paid a lot of fucking.

Yeah. I still have occasionally i have a collection agent calling me here and there for shit from when i was 20 that's 28 years old you know what here's here's an idea send me a a receipt so i can match my signature credit cards that i had when I was fucking back when you did the, the slidey machine knuckle buster, the knuckle buster. Yeah. Do you have one of those receipts?

Cause I know you've sold this debt. That's the thing. People think that the debt goes away. What goes away is the credit, your credit rating after seven years, it comes off your credit rating, but they can sell that debt so the collection agency tries and fails and oh doug stanhope you weren't at the party yeah he just

got shipped off to iraq i remember the first time or the second iraq war yeah no he we had the big going away party he's in iraq all right what to do? Are you going to fucking be unpatriotic? Try to collect on a bill now? This fucking war just started. But then they fail, and then they sell that debt to another collection agency. It just keeps going. Yeah. I have those, too.

When I joined the Army, I had a car that I was paying for, and I didn't want it anymore. But I still wanted to use it. We rented a place, had a garage. Fucking repo man was knocking all the time. I guess, yeah, that puts a damper on the repo man, having a garage. Yeah, there's nothing he can do. That stops the movie. Yeah, you jump in the car.

They can't go with it. Inman got his car repoed at my house, at my apartment in Curzon in L.A. And we went down there, and we're yelling at the guy. And we realized, if you just jumped in the fucking car, he can't tow it with you in it. Oh, kidnapping. Right? I have no idea. Are we kidnapping?

It's certainly a liability issue. Yeah. You can't. Even if you get your own car towed because it broke down, they not gonna let you ride in it that's true so yeah you gotta sit in the cab or you gotta you gotta find your own way that's a book i'd love to if i i i was gonna say love to write but i don't want to fucking write anything you're already writing there should be a website or something of just the fucking griffs just like they have uh what do you call them life hacks all right well how about beating the system how do you fuck a repo man how do you like all those things how do you fuck a collection agency

yeah like jury duty everybody talks about getting out of jury duty unless it's federal jury duty i fucking throw it away they don't send you they don't send it certified mail so they can't though you'll get a phone call they can't prove it you yeah we sent you a jury summons i didn't get it and they go oh all right thanks i've gotten out of jury duty every time that way two things uh a jury duty but photo enforced red lights and speeding tickets. That's why they make you sign a speeding ticket, to acknowledge that you were served that. Oh, yeah.

You don't have to pay your fucking photo enforced. Oh, it's a picture of me. It's weird. It doesn't matter. They didn't give you the ticket. They have to actually come and serve you. I got one in Tucson, and I looked looked it up online and you read the fine print yeah well you don't have to nothing we can do if you don't there's no warrant that's going out for your arrest unless they come to your fucking door and serve you and i know they're

not coming from tucson down to bisbee to try to find some dude yeah uh so yeah know that. Know your rights. And jury duty, which I – it was a bit I did on Deadbeat Hero. Always take jury duty. It's the easiest way, and it really is, to make a difference in the system because you only have to have one out of 12 people to go, no. Oh, it was 800 pounds of cocaine? Nah. I had some misgivings. I'm going to go with what the defense guy said.

But it says right here, the rule of the law. Well, the defense attorney said something that made me think maybe not. And just do that. And my friend fucking did that. A friend of mine in L.A. had jury duty. And I'm just saying, say not guilty. It's like some dumb paraphernalia fucking thing that led to i don't know what the full charges were she goes well i'm kind of a stickler for the rules i go no

not if the rules are bullshit and she finally texted me the next day two words not guilty that's what i said to her in a text that she texted back and yeah, it was the first time one fucking bit I did in my life made a difference in someone's fucking actual life. So someone's not in jail for bullshit drug charges. She didn't hear the bit. I had to actually tell her myself. But yes, you don't have to take jury duty. You did the bit on the phone. I did the whole bit.

And here's where I pause where you laugh if i had to be spent time locked up in a room with a bunch of douchebags i'd end up on trial i'm not gonna make it you never make i just got summoned for federal jury dude and they have a spot that says do you have any reason why and then i thought they would have a thing that like right are you fucking lunatic but they don't have like a bunch of boxes you can check. I had to put other. They'll figure it out. Those guys, they don't want you on a jury. No way.

We do. We absolutely do. But, yeah, the defense would probably like you on the jury. But the prosecution is going to tell you, thanks for coming in. Go back to that room. Well, he said, I'll never make it that far. The checkpoint, the Border Patrol checkpoint that you have to go through, I've went through hundreds of times.

Always have weed on me as long as it's in an airtight container and on my person. They'll pull you over. They haven't done it to me, but I've seen them. They'll pull people over. Because the dog will hit your car. Right. If the dog touches your car, they'll pull you over. They haven't done it to me, but I've seen them. They'll pull people over. Because the dog will hit your car. Right. If the dog touches your car, they'll pull you over to another area, get you out, and set you to the side, and search your vehicle

because they're not trying to search people. For the listeners, we've explained before, but this is not the actual border. Border Patrol has a 100-mile radius from the border where they can just set up checkpoints. I remember my first time going through one, having a gig in South Texas when I was a young fucking mullet head and going through one and just being pissed, which you should be.

I go, why am I at a border checkpoint? Did I cross a border? The DEA checkpoint is what it is. Yeah. Yeah. It's those are, they don't wear the jackets,

but that's what it is. Those are not Mexican sniffing dogs that they have out there. Oh, there's the young Joe Rogan. News radio. Chad Shank has been watching UFC because he has a lot of free time. He went back. I thought I Netflix binge. You started.

UFC won. UFC won. UFC won. Who won the first one? Hoist Gracie. Hoist Gracie, yeah. He won like one and three. He won one and three, I think, yeah, and then he didn't come back. And then you get up to 1997.

Yeah, like 11 or 12, and then Joe Rogan popped on for the first time. Didn't look like him at all. Looking like news radio. Yeah, full head of hair. Yeah, they just had him up there. Full head of hair and a normal-sized body. He had longer hair than he did right there. He had like a mullet kind of look.

That's how long he's been doing UFC? It was 97. Wow. Wow. I didn't know it was that far. Oh, he was announcing. I thought he just popped up like a guest star. No, he was like the commentary guy in the back.

Wasn't announcer yet. He was the guy in the back who interviewed the guys after the fight or whatever. Yeah. Same type shit. But it was back then. It might have been pro bono just because he loved it. UFC was you had to rent the fucking tapes, videotapes at the at the video store. I remember.

I remember doing a bit about that. Because for a while, I was renting them. And it was more embarrassing to rent those than the porn. Like, you'd hide those with the porn you're renting. With the porn on top. Yeah, porn's on top. That looks worse. Lactating lassies is on top.

And then fucking three. It's almost worse to watch now because I like UFC but now you watch it it's like anticlimactic because they had no rules before you could punch people in the nuts and one guy reached in the guy's pants and pulled his cup out and then punched him in the nuts. Really?

It's like a skit, a parody of UFC. Not pretty. Because they don't have weight classes either, so they're like 300 pounds. And Hoyt. It's 150. Didn't Hoyt Gracie go out with a, he came out with a gi. Hoyt. Hoyt.

Hoyce. Hoyce? Is it Hoyce? All right. But he came out wearing a gi, right? Yeah. Not. Hoyt. Hoyt. Hoyt. Hoyt. Is it Hoyt? All right. But he came out wearing a gi, right? Yeah. Not like these guys. He was one of the first ones.

Well, then you could choose stuff. You could wear shoes or not shoes, but if you had shoes, you couldn't kick. Or you could wear a gi or not gi or gloves or no gloves, but everybody started breaking their hands. So that's why everybody started wearing gloves. It's weird to watch the evolution of how shit works. Yeah, free market. You don't have to put the rules

on. We'll figure it out ourselves when we start breaking our fucking hands. Everyone's wearing gloves. UFC 15. I was just thinking about Muhammad Ali going to give fucking young boxers hot tips. I think I'm just going to quit. Just give it your all.

You got to get in there and give it your all. I take notes while I'm watching these old UFC events. I've got a couple of good leads. I take notes while I'm watching these old UFC events. I've got a couple of good old leads. There's some guys that are exactly like you're talking about. I got the fucking wrestling, those three wrestling documentaries. I was taking a lot of notes.

In fact, the trade round, the trade round, I just put one of the glow ladies in. I have fucking that Bobby. God damn it. Let's, uh, Hey, let's get Joby in here. Uh,

cause he's got, uh, an announcement. So it's, uh, I'm, I'm, I'm close enough that I'm actually involved this year in death pool because

I'm in third place. Well, I heard you say that on the podcast. Yeah. I'm insane. I had Shuler last time. Yes. It's Melissa, me third place. Well, I heard you say that on the podcast. Yeah, I'm in second. I had Shuler last time. Yes. It's Melissa, me, and then you.

I know. This is fucking – it's sad that it's almost like NBA where you know who the fucking top teams are going to be before the season starts. And Melissa's always there. Yep. And Chad Shank's always there. Shank's always there. I wasn't there last year at all.

No, you phoned him in. Yeah, I had shit to do. Anyway, so you're starting a – All right, so what we got going on is a community pool. Anyone can join. It's, I think, $2.99 for existing members, $4.99 for the rest of the year. For the rest of the year. But if you want to play with Senior Doug Stanhope

and me, and if you want to join up as well. Yeah, this is not for money. I don't trust you. It's not for money. It's just a huge pool. If you guys want to play Celebrity Death Pool with us, go to dscdp.com dscdp.com or dougstanhopecelebritydeathpool.com

If you like to spell it all out. And the R League, this one-year starting funeral home, as you call it. I hate that. I never found a better one to replace it. I know, but people seem to like it. They like it. It's funny. Good.

But I think we're going to do April 30th or May 1st as a start date and do a funeral home search for the killer, actually just killer termites. Killer termites. Killer termites. Killer termites. Yeah, it used to be Sausage Army, but we've kind of adopted this whole killer termite thing. Right, and I'm going to have to phone my picks in like I normally do, but I think you're going with a different strategy this time. I'm going all spite picks in this one. Okay, now spite picks.

If you have any fucking balls, you go spite pick. You can do all your research you're like mother scratcher but this one i'm doing just people i really want to be dead i might get in on this get in on it all right all right so it's not for money there's that yeah and that's the thing is that everyone goes that route okay then we all celebrate well yeah but you want to win but if someone else wins you go i wanted that guy dead too yeah well, well, someone's going to say, oh, well, I really hate Zsa Zsa Gabor. Well, no, you don't. No, you don't.

You don't even know one thing she ever did. You don't even know why she's famous. She's a 92-year-old Paris Hilton. Wait a minute. We have to qualify our hate? I'm fucking to hate with no reason. Yeah. I'm just saying.

There's going to be someone that's, oh, yeah, I really hate this person. Because I know that they're a doctor. I hate this remote former prime minister of Uganda that has colorectal cancer that's spread to his lymph nodes. Exactly. Really? Yeah. Wow. I never knew you were that deep.

All right. So, yeah, join up. You know, let's make it fun. If we want to go all full spite picks, I'm down for it. That's easy for me because I can phone them in as well. Yeah. I don't have to worry about it. Yeah, if you just want to beat me, go ahead.

Do research. Well, yeah, and if I research and find good picks, I'm not using them on that one. I'm going to use them on the money pool. Maybe you should call it Killer Termite Straight Hate Group. So yeah, that should be fun. If we're going to do it all spite,

that would be fun. I'm doing it. You and I, the three of us are doing it. That sounds good. Even Brian Hennigan, at Brian Hennigan. At Mr. Hennigan. I bet Hennigan would even get in on this, because Higan won't do Death Pool because he thinks it's going to... Fuck up his karma. Yeah.

Yeah. It seems wrong. It is. There's something about... Not if we're doing straight hate. That's your job now. Get him signed up. Chaley, who does he hate in soccer?

Does anyone listen to that soccer marmalade? The whole English team. I'm sure there's... We can get Brian in on this. Are we capping this at an amount of people? No, it's unlimited. Fucking unlimited. Unlimited.

So as many people want to join up, go for it. Killer termites. Yeah, killertermites at dscdp.com. Good. All right. Tear it up. Killer termites. Yeah, killertermites at dscdp.com. Good. All right, tear it up. There you go. Hey, let's take a break, and we're fucking out of Campari.

I want a Negroni. All right, hit pause. Enough for one more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pause it. hey this is doug stanhope for sabra hummus did you notice that uh sabra had a giant recall for uh an outbreak of listeria did that queer you off of sabra hummus then you're a fucking cunt you're a pussy sabra hummus is better than any other store brand hummus without listeria. I'd rather eat straight listeria than stray from my branding of Sabra hummus.

I would eat Sabra hummus if there was a curdled pile of baby shit in the middle, which is actually better than the garlic flavor. Or the pine nut. What are you fucking thinking with the pine nuts? Hey, Listeria Sabra, better than pine nut or garlic. But the fucking one with the olive is great. I can't get it at my store. So take a hint from someone who knows. I'm Amy Bing-Bong Buttercheese Bingaman,

and I eat Listeria and dream about hummus even being part of it. I'll eat... All right, forget it. I'll eat straight malaria from the anus of a dead dingo just on the hopes it tastes as good as summer hummus. So let's deal it up, kids. That's what I was born to do. Hi, this is Amy Bingo, Buttercheek Bingaman, and I like movies.

So here's the Bingo Bingaman movie review of the week. Paul Bart Mall Cop 2 is in theaters, and sometimes they don't put enough butter on the popcorn, and that really gives the butter the salt helps, and that really, because the butter is with the salt helps, and it helps me retain water, but I really enjoy the buttery goodness of the popcorn, so I'm just going to give it a two stars. I'm Amy Buttercheese Bingham, and'll see you next week for my review of an upcoming Box of Junior Mints. I had a – it was my L.A. moment was when I went to – we had done some drugs.

It was the last trip when i was in la in march or yeah yeah march late march i was there with the fucking yeah but i remember seeing a bus stop with the uh the advertisement the side billboard of the bus stop paul blart mall cop the whole side of a bus no no a bus stop you know the bus station. Paul Blart, Mall Cop 2. The whole side of a bus. No, no, a bus stop. You know, the bus station, little station thing. A little overhang where you hang out. And I thought, alright, I get it now.

I had that moment. I had that moment where I lived in LA, and I had my face on a fucking billboard for the man show. Me and Joe Rogan on a giant billboard right by my house over Del Taco, and I brought my mom down. I took a picture with me and my mom and me and the billboard right behind us.

Okay, yeah, I had that moment, and that's as good as that moment gets because I was staring, sitting in an Uber car at a red light, staring at fucking Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 going, there's no way Kevin James is fucking dragging his mom down. Let's take a snapshot of him standing proudly in front of fucking Paul Blart

Mall Cop 2. I wasn't proud of the man show, but it's the first time I had my face on a fucking giant billboard. And yeah, that's it. Okay. No longer any reason to be in this town. You did the right thing.

You got the fuck out. Now you come back and you have fun. I should have taken my picture in front of Paul Blart Mall Cop, too. Spread it around Bisbee. Why did I move here? That's why. That's all you get. Coming soon to Bisbee. Why did I move here? That's why. That's all you get. Coming soon to Bisbee.

Jesus. Some follow-up things quickly. The Cadillac, Bingo's Cadillac is on eBay. And yeah, I'm not putting this anywhere else. Just podcast listeners. No one with money should be listening to a podcast. It's really not a great target market. Sales on the website show otherwise.

People with money, I know. I guess people listen to these things when they – Some people with high-paying jobs have to listen to shit on the job, I think. Or have to do things that they don't want to actually listen to who they're working with. That's what I'm saying. They need distractors from the job. Yeah.

I just assume anyone that actually has money to blow on a fucking 1970 Cadillac actually has to do a lot of shit during the day, but that's not necessarily true. I bought the fucking thing. I have all my days free. You just negated your own statement. So,

yeah, I forget what the question was. Oh, will Doug Stanhope autograph it if I buy it? Someone sent it to the Cadillac.

Yeah, Kelly, it's her account, the eBay account. She knows how to do eBay, so she actually calls me up or texts me. Hey, I got a question. Is the motor run on the roof? Yeah, it runs. It's just fucking, it's the little engine that could try to get up. So you fucking bingo would have someone on each side like, all right, get it. So it's straight.

Yeah, it runs that. But yeah, we'll send Derek to pick you up at the airport. And if it's one of you guys, this is not on fucking eBay. But if it's one of you listener people and you buy that fucking car. And we'll know. Why? You will know because you're going to fucking tell me. Yeah, we'll send our man boy, Zippy the Pinhead, Derek the Reverend,

to pick you up at the airport, and then we'll have cocktails with you, and you'll probably have to crash here because you don't want to drive that fucking thing at night when you're drunk. Will you sign it? I'll sign the undercarriage. Sign that muffler. I'll beat off in the ashtray. It's so fucking great again.

It's so great to see cars with ashtrays that you can use because no one can say no. It's not like airplanes. Sometimes you see them. They're bolted shut. Because how fucking long has this been banned on the air? What?

I used to drive a Cadillac up to a plane like that. Those airplanes are in the air for a long time. I had a Netflix. That's my Netflix recommendation. Air disasters. Oh, that's good. Yeah. There's a whole, I don't remember how many there is.

There's several of them where they go through the whole plane crashes. While watching that, I also went to a website where I got to read the transcripts of black boxes of all the airplane crashes. Admittedly, this is from a guy who doesn't leave his home except to come here. I've flown a lot in the past. And then to beat up someone. I may or may not do that. I don't know yet. What, leave to come here?

I've flown a lot in the past. When I was in the Army and stuff, I've had to fly. Now I'm stationed in Alaska, I've flown back and forth. But every time I fly in an airplane, I legitimately wish that the airplane would crash. So I like watching airplane crashes. Bingo and I always talk about that on planes. Like, that would be the fucking great way to die as a couple together in a plane crash.

Because you're going to have that... I mean, what was that last one where it was like two minutes? I think it was a French guy. Eight minutes. Eight minutes? Yeah, where he drove it down. He drove it into the mountain. Yeah, that's... I mean it was a French guy. Eight minutes. Eight minutes? Yeah, where he drove it down. And the German guy, he drove it into the mountain. Yeah, that's, I mean, enough time to make jokes and shit.

I think on airplanes, when I think about if it would crash, like jokes I would be able to make and yell out on the way down, like great heckles that would be lost to history. That's an exclusive show. If you think about it, a lot for the seat. Are cocktails free now? That's the highest per seat show you would ever do. I think it's like my ego maybe, but I think that on the way down,

if everybody's crying and praying and shit and I'm going, yeah! I would have like 200 people their last thought would be like what in the fuck is wrong with that guy i don't think there's a single flight that i take where at some point i don't try to come up with a really hilarious thing to say if we're in a free fall situation dead heading into a mountain airbags people screaming have you ever been in a situation where there was like some seriousness that and i'm not talking about marco who died in front of us on that one flight coming into tucson i'm talking about like like where you've had serious like yeah

like i i you're doing that with your hand making making turbulence. Like a displacement. Like you've dropped or you've risen dramatically. Not on a serious plane. Actually, very little. For the amount of fucking miles I've flown, very little. But then I take a lot of Xanax and I sleep a lot. Why is all the overhead bins open and the shit all over when I woke up? There's wine in my lap. What happened?

I would assume that's me. I did it again. I'm a shifty sleeper. No, on the what's the Taka? Not Taka. What's the airline in Costa Rica? Those 10-seaters. Becker and I were making eye contact.

Twin props. Yeah, 10-seat twin prop. One time in Belize, I sat in the fucking co-pilot seat because there was only one pilot on a flight like that. Because they needed someone with more experience? Up front? They had the seat open

and they oversold it and there was only one guy. So I get to sit in a fucking co-pilot. Wait a minute, where's the co-pilot? I don't know. It was a jumper flight from whatever the island is. This was right after the AVNs. Becker's and I went from the AVNs to Belize, and it sucked shit. The weather sucked.

Anyway, point is, there was one flight that Becker and I were on from San Jose, Costa Rica to Tamarindo, where you have to bank around, and then you come back over the beach. You go out over the ocean ocean and it was going up and down where we had been making jokes at some of the turbulence and and then it was uh wasn't funny we gave ourselves the fucking goodbye because i'm across the aisle and back one and we gave the fucking goodbye we're dead and then and we landed somehow and we took the cab back you know that cab ride it's like seven hours of like the the suicide uh passing a oxen in a cart with oncoming traffic racing at you and it and seven hours of that to get back because the fucking 40 minute flight was too fucking terrifying that was uh

now i'd rather die in a plane crash and never take a cab again because that's more dangerous that was also my most harrowing flight was going from tamarindo back to where san jose san jose and it was the first trip to costa rica and duran from from Alaska was on the flight. And I remember thinking, this is it. We're going to end up – because you could – there was already some like questionability about what the confidence up front when the people – You get on those planes and the pilots are literally like 22 years old. Yeah. They're children.

There was that – the flight we were on, I thought we were going to die. The girl looked like she was 16. She had to be of age, but she was about four foot nine. And the control panel. That was my pilot, dude. Really? Yeah.

And kind of round. Yeah. She's a big tubby girl. 250 pounds. And then you're weighing my carry-on bag? Really? That's what's going on here? That's why. Jesus. We're already at capacity to start with.

Before passenger one gets on, we're at capacity. These are dirt runways with fucking wind socks on them. You have a fence, just a chain link. They're keeping cattle out. Two-foot fence. Yeah, exactly. They keep cattle out. Anyway, go ahead.

No, I had your same pilot, and I remember us going, like, flying over the jungle, and I just kept thinking of that one movie that they used to play on Christmas of, like, the chick who chick who like crashed in the jungle. Don't say home alone or I'll start crying. It's not home alone. But I just kept thinking. Wait, wait.

What did you just say? The chick that crashed in the jungle? Yeah. The true story. Yeah. Yeah. Cause that's what I wanted to bring up when you brought up the plane crash thing.

That's the, I love survival stories and that one survivor from a major plane crash in South America. One chick. It was fucking naked and afraid. Only it starts with a fucking plane crash. I can't believe they didn't show that one on the plane. That's not on that episode.

I only recently heard that story. I've never heard of it. She had to survive in the jungle. It had something to do with Christmas, too, because they always played it in December, I remember, in Southern California. They made a movie heard of it. She had to survive in the jungle. It had something to do with Christmas, too, because they always played it in December. I remember in Southern California. They made a movie out of it? Yeah.

I just saw some kind of documentary. That's a movie, too. But it wasn't just about her. They put it. I had to go to Wikipedia to read the fucking thing. I love you. Oh, that's another fantasy on planes is being the sole survivor

of a crash and would I fake my own death? Because you always try to figure out how to fake your own death. That's a long way to go. At this point, I don't have to fake it. Well, that's the book I'm reading that you're getting next

is Abandoned Souls Desperate Journeys. And that's about, that's the book I'm reading that you're getting next is Abandoned Souls' Desperate Journeys. And that's about – it's basically when they do those stranded on an island reality shows. This is the book they reference. This guy – it's a compendium of all these different survival stories. You're still not done with that? Stop selling merch, man. I just got through the cannibalism chapter. And it's a bunch of chapters within that one section.

What's that one called? It's Abandoned Souls, Desperate Journeys. It's fucking insane. And it's about, I mean, right now I just got done with the people that, like, when you, like, decide to, like like we have to eat someone in this boat there's a whole thing of like how they deal with the people when they get back from that journey the survivors because you're reading about this because someone came back and how you act on that boat is is duly noted but it is interesting you say being the sole survivor that is uh

what that's a fucking creepy thing to think of that you would survive yeah i got to my thing but i'm trying to think you were talking about how you were like flying over and then like you would be the that that'd be the only thing you would think about is how you could escape like reality no no i was i i being a the sole survivor of a plane crash you'd sneak away to like disappear disappear that's what you'd have that or yeah or then you'd have the glory of it yeah i always think of the glory part i never thought about the sneaking away i like that better now though yeah just fucking drift off. I always switch from being the psychopath on the way down, and then if it goes, I'm going to be the hero.

That would be the fucking living hell would be if you were the funny guy, if you had just enough cocktails in you to be really fucking hilarious on the way down while everyone's screaming and making all the great jokes and then you're the only guy that lived so you have to tell your own oh no it's wicked funny nobody you want someone else to be able to do do those no no and then i said this guy was such a crack up but there's one there, so you have to just tell your own dumb fucking things you said. Nobody would believe you. You know he was pissing his pants the whole time.

He didn't say any of that shit. No, then you could be the hero. You could be the guy that, like, at the last minute, pull up, pull up! But no one's going to dispute you, right? Chad, you saved the day. Even though it went down, you saved the day. Well, not if nobody lived.

Hang on, hang on. Someone's got an announcement. Hi, I'm Pancake Face Beeman, and I would just like to thank all the people who voted for my video. It's going to the judges

round now. You put my video in the number one spot in the top five, and now the top five, they go to the judges, but I just go to the senior center for all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast. I'm not a senior by any stretch of the imagination,

but I can eat most of those losers under the table. I don't even wait for the batter to get cooked. I just let it run down my face. Go ahead, do your best with your false teeth, Grandpa, because I'm just going to chug batter. Chug batter. Chug batter. chug batter chug batter chug batter alright well she fell asleep

so she thanks you for all your help Killer Termites in getting her video the by far number one most voted on video at the Wyoming State Short Film Contest it's out of your hands now

to the judges I had an update film contest. Anyway, it's out of your hands now. To the judges. I had an update. That's too late now. We already talked about Death Pool. I wrote that down while we were talking but never said it. I'm like 6,600 pages into this book.

Reading? Yeah, it's 70,000 pages is the book deal I have. And I don't it's 70,000 pages is the book deal i have and i don't know uh 70,000 70,000 words 70,000 pages get to it sisyphus 10 70,000 words and i so i i'm at 6,600 after a couple days. Oh, sorry. We're in sports mode here. Oh, yeah, there's a hockey fight on. Sorry, we watched the ultimate fighting with the Machida and Rockhold were the main event, but the fucking hot chick versus the girl that looked

like Matt Damon was the one that really sold it. Hargis and Van. Paige Van Zandt Paige Van Zandt. Van Zandt. Yeah, that was a fucking... That was a barn burner right there. It was a good fight. It's a very good fight.

No, he's talking about right now. Both of them. I haven't fought anyone since someone tried to take the last Jell-O cube from the Golden Corral Buffet with that, I love the dollop of hardened whipped cream on the top. And I had to fight for that. I got the dollop of whipped cream, and I smashed the cube.

So let that. So, yeah. So, yeah. 6,600 words, which is probably, I don't know, fucking 15 pages or something. I don't know. The point is, just in that part, I thought at the end of this book, I'm going to have to do an obituary of sorts, because just so many of my friends that i've already mentioned are fucking dead like just even like like russ dunn i don't even mention his name

but i i talk about betty and how one of our friends uh referred to her as the uh the edith bunker of bisbee and i he's dead like just all these people like oh fuck he's dead Stan Cohen's dead like all these fucking dead people so I think at the end of the book there should be a list of all these people I referenced in memoriam yeah

yeah just other people other than Mother that are also dead from this book Mother's not the only dead fucking person. Everyone's fucking dead in this book. Jesus. I'm 48. I shouldn't know that many dead people.

I don't. John Johnson, who we referenced in the last podcast, the kid that we fucked with. I was just starting to write this book. You grew up with him in Worcester. Yeah, the kid that we fucked with. I was just starting to write this book. You grew up with him in Worcester. Yeah, the kid that we got picked on, but then we passed it on to people weaker than us, which was usually chicks for me. I'd just be really fucking rude to girls. And John Johnson, the kid that blew us, but we didn't know what blowing meant.

We were so young that we just blew on our dicks. Turns out. Then danced and sang fucking Twinkle Twinkle and rang doorbells because he thought there was a magic bowl of candy. Well, I did find him on Facebook today. Really? Yes. I told you at one point when I was reading Facebook messages, his sister Susan Johnson had contacted me, and then I found his, he had a Facebook.

I just saw a picture then, his Facebook picture. I didn't delve into it. Today I found it and delved into it. John Johnson, that little kid who would blow on our weenies. Behind the garage well he is he is a gay bear loving gay christian amputee what i went through because it said you have two mutual friends because john johnson and i remember a kid that was eight years old so So I don't go, oh, that's definitely him. But then when I click on this one, John Johnson, it says also friends with Kerry Hanley, my ex next door neighbor and someone else from Worcester.

All right, this is going to be him. And then I start going through his friends. He has 751 friends. And how does someone that there was even at that young age, you know, this kid's not all there. I mean, he's getting bullied by me.

Like how fucking, how with it bullied by the bullied. So, so I start looking through his friends and I start noticing that most of these 751 friends are bald shirtless barrel-chested bearded men in their 40s and 50s but one of the only groups he has two groups one of them's a fucking amputee group his default picture which i had seen before but i didn't click on the the oh when you click on it you realize full picture yeah there's only there's that's a metal leg from the knee down

and he looks like he's fucking 60 years old he's just this doughy he has the pants pulled up with the fucking gunt forced out of pleated khaki shorts like forced out say my dad like that's what my dad looked like you high high-waisted shorts with a full fucking forced gunt out and uh but the other group that he belongs to is this

uh some kind of liberal progressive faith ministry and there's pictures of him at karaoke and then a gay i don't know what's what's the opposite tracer i don't know why i go to tracy but you seem like you know queer bars real good and uh what is it what would be the opposite of a bear a twink so he must be a twink. Wait, an otter, I thought. A bear and an otter.

I don't think you have to be a twink to like a bear, do you? No. He looks like a twink. Granted, my whole knowledge of this is from Always Sunny in Philadelphia, so I'm not sure what's going on. Which I just found out is back on the air. How did I miss that? I don't know.

My DVRs must fucking hate me. Rehab. Are you sure it's back on the air? It did I miss that? I don't know. My DVRs must fucking hate me. Rehab. Are you sure it's back on the air? It wasn't me. It was Tracy. Shit. Intervention's back. Is that tomorrow night? Sunday. All right, good. I'm taking Saturday, Sunday's off. I'm writing a book because Sunday's my good TV shows.

Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm going to try. Brian said do four days on, days off and i thought no i'm gonna do every day on till today and i'm like fuck this we're cooking burgers man and then tomorrow's sunday i'll try to crank i want to get those other 400 words let me get even 7 000 which is one-tenth of the book maybe you can do that in four days. Well, then I can't do math after that. But either way, that's good. I'll just say that's good.

Yeah, so that's the update on John Johnson. I wanted to say something. You thought he would be a good guest on the podcast before. Holy shit. Oh, no shit. Wait, all right. So you like all these things. There's pictures of guys in the leather cross straps, hairy.

It's like half gay porn and half Christianity. And then when you look at all these guys, I'm looking at all the, you know, the guy that looks like American Chopper dad, only he's bare chested in a leather. What do you call those things? No, not chaps. Bandolier. Bandolier. Thank you.

Yeah. Studded Bandolier. Which I don't doubt the fucking dad from American Chopper spends his Saturday night doing that. Tuttle? Yeah. Yep. He's in a baby's diaper on Saturday night. Sucking his thumb. He goes the other way.

Mingle poopy. Yeah, I would love to... I stopped myself from... Well, I can't. Fucking Brian disabled my Facebook email so I could stop bitching about it on every podcast. So yeah, you just can't. You can't now. So then I couldn't email John Johnson. I don't know what I'd say.

I was trying to think of something funny or apologize for being a prick. He wouldn't remember. Oh, I remember. He would. I remember so little, but I remember every fucking prick that wronged me. And I'm sure I'd probably fester every time

he's being smothered in the fucking hairy gut. Some 400 pound man dressed as Tina Turner at a fucking drag show, lip-syncing. Oh, you must understand, though, the touch of your hand. Bingo, this is not a duet. I did look it up. All right, so that's it. A bear is a large, hairy gay man, and otter is a slight hairy gay man.

Hey, Tracy, this is one of those times he's not going to rub in your face that he was right, because he's way too right that he would know the otter thing. No, it's not. I'm admitting that. Nor is a twink. That is not in nature. You're not going to see that on fucking Discovery Channel, where a twink is eaten by a bear or an otter.

This is not. Twink Chase is fucking eaten by a bear or an otter. This is not. The twink tries to run, but you see it getting butt fucked in the prairie. That voice just reminded me we have to get to the police beat, but we'll do that. Two other notes that are pointless. The up for anything idea. They were running that commercial. The Budweiser up for anything, which that's another story.

But we had that fucking idea. The Johnny Depp TV show we were pitching, that was one of our ideas because he has access to doing a lot of weird shit with people only it was with celebrities and that was one of the ideas when we're first pitching this and then the super bowl came and that's when that not this one but the one before that's when they first ran that big commercial in the super bowl where they take the guy i'm like that was we just pitched that in fucking December. That was going to be one of our things we were going to do on that show.

We decided just to not even chase that show. He's as much of a fuck up as I am. And I don't really want to fucking do a TV show that's not already handled. Wait, I'm in charge? Yeah, no, the check's not gonna help uh so yeah so we were but we were thinking of doing one to spoof up for anything the budweiser where you get a budweiser at a bar and hidden cameras follow you on this magical journey through fable land like they do, but we're going to do it instead of Budweiser.

It would be for Papa Vodka. Hashtag down for some weird shit. Hey, could I get a Grey Goose and soda? How about Papa Vodka? If I give you a pop off, are you down for some shit? Hashtag down for some shit? I guess so. And then all of a sudden, someone throws a duffel bag over your head

and throws you into the trunk of a moving van and takes you out, and then you're in the middle of a drug deal. Someone's landed a biplane on a dirt runway. Everyone's armed. Run with this. Run. Gunfire your feet. All sorts of shit.

Gunfire? Yeah. You said you were down for some shit. I love that idea. That's one of those things. Again, this is why we need fucking uh shady legal counsel i have some but i try not to burn it for things i don't need because when we do call them which is too often i try not to use it for frivolous how what are the laws on hidden

camera in foreign countries like if we were to do like that it's such a huge liability issues you could get sued out the ass if you try to do something for real like that obviously out here in the united states but if you were to go to costa rica or panama like what can you get away with here's ideally you want a place where spring breakers go not mexico that's too shady but where spring breakers go so you get a fuck you get american marks but you're they're subject to the local laws so you can fuck with them really hard. If you watch a lot of hidden camera pranks on YouTube, all the foreign ones are way more hardcore than cause they can get away with it. Those Japanese ones where they're on a,

they're in a, like a steam bath house on a ski mountain. And then they, they come in for a steam and they sit in a massage chair and then the massage chair just breaks down and the back wall falls out and it turns into skis and they're going down naked on a fucking massage chair going down the slope. And then they're just completely douchebagging a full blown naked fucking

dragon cock down the icy slope and no one's getting sued. We need to do hidden camera shit in that country and that's where we need to do pop off vodka hashtag down for some shit instead of up for anything down for some shit. So we just

need some legal representation a check, some motivation some airplane tickets and we can write the rest. No consent forms. That's the key. Here's the problem. I know once you start making money, that couldn't go on American television without consent,

and then they're going to want compensation of some sort. Not necessarily. People want to be on tv that's like fear factor they could have done that with no prize and had as many people apply just to do just to be on tv but but what about youtube but if you're if you're if you're filming people and then putting them on YouTube where there was no in a foreign country where there's no laws against if you're filming them where there's no reasonable

expectation of privacy just as far as filming any time goes I can't put a fucking camera in my toilet and do toilet cam at all. It's like Monica Lewinsky and what's the fucking pig name? The pigger.

What? Oh, the chick that was Linda Tripp. Thank you. Pigger. She's piggery. There's two pigs in the. Pig and pigger. So, yeah, she went to jail, Linda Tripp.

She was prosecuted just for taping the call. It wasn't on YouTube. It wasn't a gag. It wasn't hashtag down for some shit. I found out about it. Down for some shit. I was going to say, oh, we should, we got to get that hashtag. Oh, it's a hashtag.

Someone, the killer termites, someone tweeted me today from at killer termites and said, I can't believe no one got this already. I never thought. The guy that got at comedy hospice after I talked about it a million times, he actually gave it up. He was really cool. I'm like, fuck, I didn't think of that, you fucking carpetbagger. But this guy, hey, fucking good score.

I didn't think to at Killer Termites. I never thought to get at Bingo Butterface Bingaman either. It's still available. Wait, all of a sudden you lost your sense of humor about this? No, it's not that. I should keep that list. Bingo is thinking she should rush out and get that. Well, you have time.

This isn't live. If that's gone, it could be Bingo Butterface. Oh, Well, you have time. This isn't live. If that's gone, it could be bingo butterface. Oh, no, butter cheeks. I've been fucking it up. Alright, that's it. You're going to talk about the Killer Termite tweets that are going

out. Oh, yeah. A lot of people are doing the Killer Termite tweets. First of all, I'm meaning that it's a real Bisbee baseball team, the Bisbee killer termites. So if you're doing that, follow the hashtag killer termites to see what other people are tweeting. Because you're writing a lot of funny shit, but you don't want to retweet things that are conflicting. So some guy today said that the rain uh there was a rain delay yesterday so it was gonna be a double header

today which sounds doylesville something it was completely legitimate sounding it wasn't over the tub oh they're playing the uh you know the you know ass chowder fuck my face is okay that's no one's gonna buy that this was so if you that, then you can jump on someone else's bullshit lie. But you also have to put this, I don't know, news groups or other places. Just feather it in. Don't be like the big splash into the pool. You just kind of want to slip it in. Like the guy with the El Paso Fainting Goats.

That team name is fucking fantastic. They said it was going to be Chad Shank Bobblehead Night at the game versus the El Paso Fainting Goats. How did I not see that? And that's perfect. That just slips right in. It's like a passing comment to just get to the next thing. It's not something to like something that made me think. And this is something you guys can do that are bored out there because I know you are is fucking Chad Shank T-shirts.

That'll get them over here more often. So if you have an idea for a Chad Shank T-shirt, whatever it is, tweeted at HD Fatty as in Harley HDFatty, and at Doug Stanhope, and at Greg Chaley. That's C-H-A-I-L-L-E. That's C-H-A-I-L-L-E, Greg Chaley. So, yeah, tweet your ideas for Chad Shank t-shirts. Chad Shank t-shirts. And yes, we have a new name for what we called the Sherry's Berry drink, which is a fucking delightful dessert drink.

What's in that drink, Doug? That is Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur, Blackberry Brandy, though any berry would probably do, and Myers's dark rum or any rum would do equal parts that i made it with meyer's dark rum that's not a plug i yeah a dark rum equal uh yeah equal parts equal parts that's a good drink it's fucking fantastic but we called it a sherry's berries during the 30 days in the hole to be funny. But I'm not going to call that around. I'm not going to give them fucking undue plugs. So we renamed it the Purple Mud Bunion. I'm honored.

After Chad Shank's swollen prostate, which we hope doesn't turn into cancer. But if it does, we know we got a solid hour podcast. And we'll know how to throw the party better. So, yeah, that's a purple mud bunion. Equal parts Godiva white chocolate liqueur, blackberry brandy, and Myers dark rum or any dark rum. And if you can't find Godiva, you can just use cream de coco and half and half. blueberry brandy, and Myers dark rum or any dark rum.

And if you can't find Godiva, you can just use cream de coco and half and half. That's actually, that spreads it out. And it's not all booze. Either way. Reach for the stars. Get the Godiva. You make that for your girlfriend. Yeah, that's it.

On Valentine's Day, she's going to call you a faggot and leave you. And you know what? You're better off alone. But then you get two purple mud bunions. Yeah. All your purple mud bunions are for us. All right. Let's take a break. And then we're going to get into Chad Shank and the police beat after these cocktails. Hi, this is Doug Stanhope, actor, writer,

enthusiast, and part-time broadcaster, as seen on YouTube and all the other social networks. Do you like apparel? Well, what if I told you you could get apparel right there on the internet? I get all my apparel from Zip Zoo Apparel. If you ever want a t-shirt that has a kind of Felix the Cat head on it and it says, you're going to die in a really kooky font and it's on a yellow t-shirt, none of that black shit, go to ZipZoo Apparel. You can get them on Twitter at ZipZooApparel.

Apparel all year long. ZipZooApparel.com in Cincinnati. Winnipeg, go! Winnipeg, you're no longer my favorite team. I remember playing Winnipeg, telling them the Jets are my favorite team when they were coming back, and then they changed their fucking logo, so now I'm back to Senators, Ottawa Senators. That's my team.

And you know what? Even though I'm from Boston, I fucking like the Sabres better. What? They have fucking great uniforms. Fuck off. You like the, what was it? I like Buffalo Sabres, Ottawa Senators. No, the team.

Winnipeg Jets, this team. But they changed their logo. They used to have a logo like this old Jets helmet. It was just an outline of a silhouette of an oldie-fashioned jet, and now it's a fucking military jet. Fuck you, Winnipeg. Is that the one in Canada where it was spray-painted on the alley wall behind the club?

Oh, that was the night. Anyway. No, no, that was our second night. So wherever we were after. What team was that? Because you told them. Anyway, hey, we're having a podcast here. And you know what?

You're going to be next in the police beat. But right now, let's go quickly to Chad Shank with the police beat. Hello, Doug. with the police beat. Hello, Doug. A caller from East Vista stated he believed cats were being poisoned in his neighborhood. Five cats have gone missing

and he had samples of cat feces and vomit with blood in them. Who doesn't? Am I reading this? I know. You're reading it right. We're just trying to take that in. Wait a minute.

First of all, cats went missing missing so you assume they're poisoned but you go around collecting cat shit he's collecting samples well evidence i you know after that what was that show that where they slapped the kid the slap i think it was slap yeah i can see if that could be made into a series. Fucking Ace Ventura cat poop detective. I can see actually getting picked up. The guy that goes out. It's like Quincy is a forensics. Quincy, Jack Klugman.

Yes. Yeah. All right. The Busby version. We don't mean to make light of the wrong side of the tracks in Bisbee. What else do you have, Mr. Shank? Doug, I'm afraid I have more of the same. A cat appeared on a woman's porch in McKinley Avenue, bleeding from a large cut on its neck.

Seems to be a pattern here. Maybe the cat's doing it to himself. Maybe the cat's a cutter. Fair and balanced. Okay, the cat appeared on the porch. What else do you have? A resident on 13th Terrace believes a homeless person is living in his attic. He stated he had been hearing noises for the last two weeks,

and the homeless person took his attic. He stated he had been hearing noises for the last two weeks, and the homeless person took his cat. You're fucking kidding me. We may have an explanation. The fucking person at the Bisbee Observer. First of all, I want to know, has anyone out there actually subscribed to the Bisbee Observer? Because you can get it in the fucking mail, and

it's worth it for the police beat. It's a quick read. You can read along with it. It it's fun but you know the person is putting these together on purpose because they're fucking the cat what was this cat i'm sorry i fixated on the cat without hearing its tragedy uh the cat was stolen by a homeless person in the attic that's making all the noise. But there's no accountability of the cat. It just says that he took the cat. Did he eat the cat? Does he still have it? Did he take a blood sample and a urine sample?

It doesn't state. I wish... They should have a follow-up. Bisbee observers should have a follow-up. If I had all the time in the world and retired from comedy, which I'm trying to do over and over, I would go out as an investigative reporter and follow these stories up and find that guy and just do – that would be a great fucking YouTube channel.

Doug, you're missing it. That's the bump up. That's the revenue that's going to come in when they get the free Bisbee Observer. Then they pay subscription service to get the follow up on what happened to the cat stolen by the homeless. No, we do it for YouTube. I go to the guy's house. I'm sure you could get their information, Freedom of Information Act, and then go knock on the door and go, hey, we would like to talk to you about, like the Channel 4 Tucson. On your side.

Yeah, exactly. David Horowitz. I actually do have all the time in the world, and I'm curious to know what happens with this, too. And you're not scared to knock on doors like I am. Yeah. All right. So what else do we have in the Please Beat? What else do we have in the police beat?

It appears a FedEx worker came across a package addressed to his wife by her maiden name to an address she no longer lives at and containing medication she did not order. So the FedEx worker. So he's actually delivering packages. The driver. And sees his. Wait, that's my wife. That's not her address. She doesn't live there anymore.

And then he opens it, which should be it. Wait, he opened it? He said there's medication in it that she didn't order. It contained medication. So how did he fucking open it? I think the FedEx driver should be in jail. Yes. Wait, is it the same FedEx as it is? That's why

we need follow up to these stories. You're right. Doug, stand up on your side. Sir, I have a question. Don't touch my camera, sir. Don't push me. That's assault. Now, how did you open that package? We just want to know the truth.

I'm getting more and more behind this idea. I'm loving it. I hope there's a commercial at the end of this spot. Two busloads of kids were seen pulling over at a location in Bisbee, possibly protesting. The caller requested a deputy. Two busloads of kids? I don't think Bisbee. Two busloads of kids? I don't think Bisbee had.

Two busloads of kids. That's all the kids at Bisbee. That might be a couple from Douglas. It could be that Bokal Haram. You know, they steal all those girls. Maybe it was all those stolen girls they're looking for from Nigeria. Could it have been Gretchen and Bisbee? And then Bingo?

Paint your town? Paint your town? Paint your town. Sorry. Looks like a bunch of hippies in the park. I was going to say either that or the witch with the candy house. Again, we need follow-up. Anything else in the police beat for this week of our Lord?

Indeed there is, Doug. A business man was upset that the Border Patrol helicopter flies over his house at 100 miles per hour. I'm upset that that man sits around his house with a radar detector. That's pretty accurate. Yeah. And at a steady 100. Yeah, you can hear that phone call. That's pretty accurate. Yeah. And then a steady 100.

Yeah, you can hear that phone call. They go over my house, like 100 miles an hour. I pay my taxes. I pay my taxes. I'm an American. I have rights. It also seems that motorcycles were speeding at 100 miles per hour on Barnett Road, adding to the general speeding problem, according to the person reporting.

I hope they're not doing it for pink slips. Pinks? Pinks? It's a show on TV. Oh, they're based for pink slips yeah i think i was going back to greece for this that's right yeah drain of jowl he's lightning i think somebody needs to get their radar gun calibrated this better not be a boat story going 100 miles an hour a palominis woman was concerned that someone was stealing dirt from her neighbor's property that's where we've gotten in this town that's that's where that's poor you can't even that's

why i have a fence a metal fence yeah it's Fucking tweakers selling dirt for. Shit. Look at that dirt next door. Way better than our dirt. So much better than our dirt. What's keeping us from grabbing that dirt? You ain't got no fence. Yeah.

We live in the fucking desert, too. There's dirt everywhere. There's nothing but dirt. Turns out the dirt is always browner. Isn't that an Irma Bombeck book? Is that two Irma Bombeck references in the last few podcasts? Jesus.

Finally, Doug, a man saw a subject steal tips off a table at Pizzarama. Pizzarama. Pizzarama. We should have a, we should, maybe that's it. Maybe we should have a Pizzarama. That should be a sponsor.

Pizzarama is Gus the Greek. Gus the Greek. Have you ever been to Gus the Greek? A long time ago, I have. He's our, the Bisbee Soup Nazi, and he's this old, gruff Greek guy that has a stub of a cigar always wedged into his mouth. And the Greek cap, I think, is that a bowler's cap kind of thing? I don't know what.

It's a Greek fucking cap. It's ethnic head cover. When I first moved here, I think I read he had, like, there was an article. It was a good pizza came from the Greeks, not the Italians in there. Oh, he'll tell you. Where I grew up in Worcester. And then they'll kick you out. Holiday pizza. Oh, he'll tell you. Where I grew up in Worcester. And then he'll kick you out. Holiday pizza.

Oh, that would be, we can't do shit in this town. But where I grew up, holiday pizza were Greeks and that fucking, they swore up and down, no, Greeks invented pizza. And to this day,

because I was weaned on it, probably, it's still the fucking best pizza. And I like Gustav Greek's pizza better than any pizza in town. I like his spaghetti meatballs. I will do nothing to get kicked out of that place. But he's a the fucking best pizza. And I like Gus the Greek's pizza better than I like his spaghetti meatballs. I will do nothing to get kicked out. But he's a fucking asshole.

Totally. So if you come to Bisbee, go to Pizzarama down in the Safeway parking area, strip mall-y thing. And then talk to Gus the Greek and just say passive aggressive things to make him even angrier. You try to be nice to the guy and he just yells at you. What's his catchphrase? Tracy and I went in there and, oh, by the way, they're open at five every day. Unless they're not. Unless they're not.

And if you're standing there at two minutes before five, waiting at the door and you shook it and it's locked, they will not let you fucking in until they let you in. He. He. He. But when we were sitting down, we went to the booth and we were waiting because it's table service. So we're waiting for somebody to come. And I don't think the gal was there yet. So he is walking towards the table as he's like 8 feet away

he just has a pad in his hand with a pen going tell me tell me and it's like what the fuck we're being assaulted by the owner what tell me and then he just walks away

he's like did he get it all what what are you doing here And then he just walks away. He's like, did he get it all? I thought I wanted it. He walked in and said, what? What are you doing here? Good spaghetti meatballs. Yeah, and I really enjoy that. I know the pizza sucks. What other people would say, I wouldn't go, this is the best pizza.

I fucking love it. Other people, probably not so much. It's the best pizza in that strip mall. It's very close to holiday pizza in uh worcester massachusetts it's no longer there uh which was greek pizza so tell me tell me well maybe the guy was stealing back his own tips because gus was a dick that that's was the most confusing part of that story someone tipping at gus Pizza. It's actually the girl and the kid are very sweet and they try to overcompensate and they roll their eyes. They know. They know what you're

going through because they live it every day. Right. Yeah. So that's the police beat with Chad Shank at HD Fatty. Follow him. He writes funny tweets. In fact, that's all he does. He doesn't have to promote dates. You're not going to get inundated. So yeah, follow at HDFatty. And don't forget to follow me. I'm Bingo Bingerman, a.k.a.

Buttercheeks, a.k.a. Pancake Batter Mouth. There's also the other one I do to her all the time when I'm not fat shaming her because she's i think she's up to like 122 which oh but unsightly yeah i i mock her uh nagging me uh that's the other bingo. I don't know. I want to go to France for a wedding.

She doesn't nag at all. She's not fat and she doesn't nag. And she reacts like every single time. Ten years we've been together. And every time I go, why are you nagging me? I don't nag you. And then I go, oh, Queenie always gets what Queenie always wants. I don't nag you and then i go oh queenie always gets what queenie always want i don't do that yes you do and it's a endless fucking point of amusement maybe hey john johnson you know that's

what we did to you when we were kids i'm still doing it to my wife i don't know when she's gonna fucking start becoming a christian homosexual and cut off her leg but wife i don't know when she's gonna fucking start becoming a christian homosexual and cut off her leg but uh i don't know how long it took you to do it uh and that would be the podcast but i have to mention where uh we opened different and uh we're closing different we opened with a different song from the mattoid. And you're confused. This is not Mishka. And so we're closing with Mishka with a song that we don't normally play. And it's off his new album. Wait a minute.

What do you mean we opened? You haven't put it in yet. So just fucking Jesus. So now, you know, there wasn't music playing right here. You put it in at the beginning and the end. No, but we didn't talk about this. We don't have to talk about it. Apparently we don't.

Well, yes. So you're going to put in one of the Matoids weird things off of the. Oh, in the front. In the front. Okay. That's what we opened with as far as anyone knows. We opened with us talking. There was no.

There's no. We don't have a band here the mattoys not here i can i can roll with this but i write things down that didn't happen with a live band all right that's how the fucking show opened and now we're gonna close wait the tonight show Definitely open with a live band. Who's on first? Okay, we're closing. This is one of my favorite Mishka songs, and we're playing the whole fucking thing.

That's why I saved it till the end, because I didn't want you to fast forward. This is fucking Mishka Shabali. I can't remember when you were mine. Enjoy. And listen to the whole fucking thing. Unlabeled crap If I die now Will they ever get Unpacked Boxes and boxes

Of unlabeled Crap If I die now They will never get Unpacked I can't remember You were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine

I'm free to fight, I see you did enough Sweet child of mine And that nightstand I built for you Is it lonely for me alone in your bedroom? Does it cry at night or does it understand As you tremble underneath your human tent? I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine

I can't remember when you were mine 2003 feels like 1989 Sweet child of mine All those messages that you've been receiving That I can't remember leaving It's a small relief still It's a good thing You're deleting without listening

They disappear like pennies Down a wishing well Tiny good intentions On the road to hell But I'll go bankrupt And that well will overflow Before you'll forgive me And let me come home I can't remember when you were mine.

No, I can't remember when you were mine. No, I can't remember when you were mine. No, I can't remember. When you were mine. 2003 feels like 1989. 1989 Afternoon album, Coward's Path. That's what I was looking at you for, but you went into, I don't know what. No, I didn't. I thought we were doing it in the beginning. That's what I talked to you about.

Don't drink before a show. These are some of the fucking rules. Don't drink before a show. These are some of the fucking rules. Don't drink before the show. Don't drink during the show or after the show. Did you drink last night? No. You said you were hammered last night. No, no, no.

You said that. That was two nights ago. Last night. No, last night you had fucking two Negronis. Way too much. Four Negronis, two whiskey sours. Yes. And was last night before or after this show?

Exactly. A little bit before. You drank before the show. A little bit before. All right. You're on a suspension.