The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#327: You Have To Pay For Things

Episode Date: August 15, 2019

Another late night podcast where the conversation includes being mocked during pedicures, the 'good' colonoscopy drug and details of Doug's summer job. A big THANK YOU to our Patreon subscribers. This will be the second episode this week for all of you who support the podcast through Patreon. Any level of support helps and we will keep the BONUS episodes coming. All subscribers will automatically have access to all past BONUS episodes..  Patreon page (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast) - (https://www.patreon.com/stanhopepodcast). Thanks in advance.New dates being added all the time so get on the mailing list to catch the Fall 2019 Tour Dates at https://www.dougstanhope.com/Recorded July 27th, 2019 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Olivia Grace (@OliviaDoesBits), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.This episode is sponsored by Stanhope Store - www.DougStanhope.com/store -  NEW Beer Koozies now available. 3 styles - Killer Termites, Bisbee Booze Bags and Ichabod "Be A Gentleman". http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/koozie-3-pack-aPlatte Valley Saddle Shop - https://plattevalleysaddle.com/info.htmlLINKS -Killer Termites and Bisbee Booze Bags artwork by acmetiki.com (http://acmetiki.com/) - @AcmeTiki (https://twitter.com/AcmeTiki)Ichabod and Stanhope Podcast artwork by Brett Brock - [e-mail] - @HuskyboyoHomeStretch Foundation - https://www.homestretchfoundation.org/We like what they are doing over at http://www.FIRRP.org (http://www.firrp.org/) - Check it outSupport the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org (http://www.innocenceproject.org/)  Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. a nice person and then you go, I thought it was just for me. That's what I felt when you hugged those people. Too bad. We're not recording it. No, of course not. God damn it. They have another game that has 171 pages. Oh my God. With 36 dice.

Game for thinkers, not a game for losers. Jesus Christ, who's going to read that much instructions to play a game? Maybe this was before they had radio or podcasts. Came out the same year as War of the Worlds? Yeah. When you could fool people? Well, we played Mumbly Peg. Let's play some propaganda game with a half indian sorry that's a david

tell blacking out look it up google blacking out david tell uh oh my god this poor girl olivia grace our newest cast member. You said you were going to say something, and you were going to save it for the goddamn podcast. You expect me to remember at this point? I don't remember. No, he said he had stories. I have to be goaded into them at some point.

You had to tell me something. Well, use the new kid. Oh, I know what we were talking about. Because your fingernails are different colors. And that's a bold choice, I thought. Like on one hand has multiple colors?

One of my balls hangs longer than the other, which was a choice. I don't know why you chose that is what I was just curious. Bingo. I was going to ask you. She chooses your colors. Jenny will choose my colors sometimes.

I get that. Yeah. I was vacillating between orange and yellow. I had gone with the white. White is great. But then pastel blue, pink. And I was going to go with the blue. I hadn't done the blue, but Easter egg colors.

Do they actually have a white, or do they just use white out? That's what we used to do. Dino. Dino. Whenever Jenny first took me to go get my... Are you saying you can't trust Asians? I do not.

When Jenny first took me to get my toes done... Oh, she's Asian, but she's my toes done at the Asian place, I was surprised at how expensive it was to get your feet and stuff done. Pedicure is an ultimate form of luxury. They do a good job, though. They do a lot of stuff. Who's they? Why do you say they?

We'll get into that. His wife. That's the point of my story. His wife's people. Is that I thought I was racist. Who's they? Why do you say they? We'll get into that. His wife. That's the point of my story. His wife's people. Is that I thought I was racist. Who's in the room? I realized. Well, let me tell it the way I need to tell it. They'll rub your legs with lotion.

I'm aware. I'm a fan. When I saw how much it was, I was like, well, how much is it if I don't get nail polish? And it was the same price. So I was like, well, how much is it if I don't get nail polish? And it was the same price. So I was like, well, fuck it. I'm getting nail polish then. And from then on, I started getting nail polish.

And I was proud of it. Except for whenever sometimes I'd look down in the shower and it felt like a transvestite was standing really close to me. And that's the only way you can come? So I got to get used to it. But Jenny one time then scheduled us to get it done, and the Oriental lady that usually does it has these big fake titties.

Oriental? Well, I don't know. My wife is ornamental. Oriental is food and rugs. Ornamental is what I meant to say. Jenny, you can chime in any time. The Asian lady that does it has these giant titties that she puts out on purpose. So while you're getting your feet done, you can look at her titties.

And it's a nice, I thought it was a nice added thing. And the last time we went, I told Jenny, did she get older or did she just have on a shirt this time? I don't know. A crew neck? She's not even her face. But, Chad, I do want to point out that we're in a new day and age where to look at a woman's titties, they don't want you to do that.

I looked at the ugly woman's titties they don't want you to do that I looked at the ugly woman's titties too but if you walk out with your cock half hanging out women do want that because they're progressed if

you just see the top of the cock this is one that doesn't go out no there's a fucking angle in that If you just see the top of the cock. This is one that doesn't go out. No. There's a fucking angle in that. Fuck you. I had a story that I was telling, god damn it. Go ahead.

So Jenny schedules an appointment for us to go get our feet done, but it's at a different place than what I'm used to. And the Asian lady in there makes fun of, you don't bring me a five-hour energy drink? She makes fun of my feet being calloused and stuff of, you don't bring me a five-hour energy drink? Like, she makes fun of my feet being calloused and stuff, so I don't feel bad. See, that's why I don't like getting pedicures either, because I feel like if I go in there,

they're going to say something about my feet, and I'm like, yeah, they're fucked up, that's why I'm here, you know? They're like, I always get like, do you rip your toenails off? It's like, yeah. With pliers? I always get like do you rip your toenails off it's like yeah with pliers this lady shaves the calluses off my feet into a big like paper

towel and holds it up to show my wife and goes eww like a newborn I'm made to feel like a complete asshole in this situation and I'm completely comfortable with it I don't care at the place I'm going in tucson

some elderly woman had just got done a pedicure and she goes well i'll see you in six months because it's and she goes no six months it would it would i'll charge you five hundred dollars like like how gross your feet will get if you don't come back to be fair we go like once a year so I understand what she's saying I wonder if that's part of it though I wonder if that's part of the salesmanship is to shame you into coming back it doesn't work

because it's expensive and it makes me want to stay away too because I'm a terrible fingernail biter and I've never not gotten to get my nails done and not had them say like the fuck is wrong with you you should stop biting your nails i've i've had i've gone in and had them have to go into the back and find something that they can use to cauterize my fingernails because if you just touch them if you just bleed yeah because if you just touch them they start bleeding.

I think the first podcast we did Tracy had to hand me a paper towel because I didn't notice that one of my fingers was bleeding because I picked at it so much. Yeah, they hate you at those shops for sure. Yeah.

I think that's an opportunity to have an opportunity to tip. Well, so the thing is that Jenny scheduled an appointment at a place we'd never been and when we showed up there it was like German women it was white women no you said German

I was completely opposed I was like oh no I don't want to go in here i don't want these white women to to do my feet and immediately i was like oh you are a fucking racist do you think that like asian culture is beneath you and they can only do your feet and and i was so horribly terrified that i was racist and then it dawned on me like, no, these people just speak English and they're going to try to talk to you. I don't want anybody to

talk to me while they're doing this. So I was so relieved to find out that I wasn't racist. I just am anti-people, which I already knew. A lot of racism is class and how much money you make.

All right. They're Hmong people. Whatever. They probably need the fucking money way worse than someone German because German people... What, there's no poor German people? Wait a minute.

I don't know that there are, but I know that fucking Southeast Asians show up here hoping for... And you go, oh, yeah, and you like that. Listen, maybe they're on ecstasy. Everyone on ecstasy wants to do your fucking toes and give you a massage. I will say that...

And where does ecstasy come from not my neighbors i will say that the asian shops seem more accustomed to people who showed up once a year and the german shops seem to have rich white ladies filling it uh non-stop so there probably was a bit of a class difference in the clientele but but i i i canceled my appointment i did not go through with that we waited another six months until we could get in at the other show my last pedicure was with brendan walsh in anchorage and every time i cut my nails i think i could i could be having someone else do this and i don't think it's too expensive. I think it's, for someone to touch your feet, they're earning every cent. Oh, yes.

It's really not. Absolutely. You have to pay for things. We were just talking about this, where our yoga teacher, she does massage. She won't take money for yoga, which I understand. She says, oh, well, sometimes you're funny around me. I don't ask you for money.

I get that. But a massage is. I don't ask you for money. I get that. But a massage is something I need to pay you money for because otherwise it's, oh, now do me? No, I don't want to do the now do me. I'm napping at this. Oh, shit. I used to be really uncomfortable with massages because I used to get them when I was up in Anchorage.

I had a neck injury and I was part of the scam of insurance. Use it or they're going to take it away. Hey, bleep that out. But the thing is when I came down here and then we would have people come here and do massages, it was a little bit

more better. I was always worried about getting a boner or something like that because I'm going to fall asleep. I'm going to fall asleep. I'm going to fall asleep and I don't know what's going to happen when I fall asleep kind of thing. But it is one of those things where it's like touching your feet. You've got to get used to the fact that this person has chosen this job

and they're probably pretty good at it or they probably wouldn't be in that chair for a while. Proctologist is good getting in there. That's what I'm about. The guy in Bisbee, he grew up in Bisbee.

Wait, proctologist? The guy who did my colonoscopy. He actually, he works at Copper Queen. Our colonoscopy. He came back to Bisbee because he grew up here. He's fucking way high rated as a guy who

gets up in there. Gets up in there. He's big on Yelp. I didn't want it to be some dude who graduated Bisbee High and went to Cochise College. And this guy was really good and I was really surprised because I was just

talking to my cousin about it. It's like, dude, don't even worry about it. They give you the Michael Jackson drug. You fucking, it's not that you're, it's not that you're fucking wasted. It's like, you don't care. And you don't remember. That's fucking, okay.

So when I was trying to figure out what was going on with my stomach, I went to a GI, and she was telling me, if we ever give you... Top or bottom? What? Which way did they go in? No, no, no. She didn't do one. But she was trying to sell me on it the same way. She was like, oh, it's a drug

we gave Michael Jackson. And I'm like, the one he died from? That's a selling point! The one he died from? He didn't die from colon cancer. But that never made any sense to me. Because I was like, well, I'm afraid of being put to sleep and having anything shoved up my ass.

And she was like, oh, well, the drug we use is the one that Michael Jackson was addicted to. And I'm like, how is that going to make anyone more comfortable? That just sounds like a drug deal. You're like, I got the best shit. I got the best shit. Right here. I got that fire. I got that fire.

I got the fire. I want to high five you. Yeah. I wonder if that's a thing in the GI community. It's like, oh, just tell him I'm Michael Jackson. Well, certainly it was. Gastro-intestinal. They have to get you at ease on all that shit.

Yeah. And my cousin, he's younger than me by 10 years. That doesn't get you at ease, though. And he's worried about it. And I go, listen, I wish I was you. And I was explaining this to myself after the fact. You don't care. It's Hennigan. When Hennigan, I explained to him, Hennigan, when he had his eyes done,

Hennigan could not drive at night. When it got dusk, he had to stop driving, right? Yeah. And he had a, like, they cut into his fucking eye, and you have to be awake during it. And I asked him, I go, what the fuck was that like? First of all, he's going to the specialist in Beverly Hills, one of the top guys in the world.

And he goes, they're pulling this knife towards you, and you don't care. You have no care in the world. I go, that's the drug. That's the fucking drug. And it's not that you're hooked on it, but you can do this totally evasive procedure. But Olivia Grace is more afraid of those drugs

because she won't care about something different than cutting into your eye. Well, I mean, yeah, because you want to have control over what the fuck is going on. When I had my wisdom teeth out, I told them I did not want to be put to sleep. What? Yeah. I know. Do to be put to sleep. What?

Yeah. What? Yeah. I know. I know that pisses a lot of people off. Do you know how those come out? Physically? Yeah.

They have to saw into your fucking... No, no. What they do is... No, they fucking tore mine out. It's bullshit. They wiggle the muscle free from holding the tooth in there. I know. They had to cut my teeth in half.

Or they cleave it in fourths. Don't get ahead of yourself, because while I was in the army, I was getting ready to get out, and I realized everybody my age was getting their wisdom teeth out. So I volunteered in the army to get my wisdom teeth out. I only had tops. I didn't have bottoms. And they had to chisel them out with a hammer and chisel

because they didn't need to be taken out. No, I remember... Or they hadn't come in enough because they were a problem. Because they can impact, they can push all your teeth forward. Yeah, I remember that about getting myna where they had to cut... Because they

still hadn't come out, so they had to cut into your gums. They were below the surface of the gum. Yeah, and then they have to saw it in half so that they can take it out. And I was awake for. You all right? Yeah, I'm good. I'm just trying to remember this till you're done with your story.

Okay. And I remember I wanted to be awake for it because I wanted to know what they were doing. And I remember the doctor was an asshole. Like, they didn't put me on anything. Like, I wasn't. They just anything. Like, I wasn't... They just numbed my mouth. I suspect a dentist that would let that happen.

There's no fucking way that that should happen. That's weird. Yeah, I was awake. The only thing they did was they numbed my mouth. I had a girlfriend that was so fucking freaked out

about going to the dentist that I was sure she was molested because there was a man holding her down. Like, seriously. No, listen. This is the one, Doug.

So we go to a dentist's office. I go, look, you've got to get those teeth looked at. This is fucking serious, right? Tired of kissing you. The doctor gets her in a chair, and she was such a fucking problem that the doctor at one point just goes, you have to leave. Like, we got banned from the dentist's office. She was such a problem.

And it's because that whole thing of like being in the dentist's chair is already stressful. Yeah. And then for a dentist to say, oh, you opt not to be put out? Yeah, let's, here, here's a leather strap. You know, there's no fucking way. Yeah. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way.

It's scary. It is scary. Like, I like to, I'm so afraid of surgery, not, I'm less afraid of being cut open than I am of being put to sleep. I'm so frightened by the idea of being put to, well, yeah. And Tracy and I are both, Tracy's nodding because we're both afraid of flying. It's a control thing. You want to know what the fuck is going on.

Olivia and I are flying. I'm not going to say where, but yeah, a long distance. To a Caesars entertainment property, I'm sure. And I go, you just take Xanax. He's asleep the whole time. She goes, I won't take Xanax. I don't know if I

finished that story or what podcast it was on when I made a joke about I gave her over the counter sleeping pills. I go, you gotta put these in your own drink. You're the opener. Well, I thought you were saying you were putting them in my drink.

No, I told you you had to put them in your own drink. Oh, I had to roofie myself. You wouldn't drug me, would you? But she, yeah, she she just well i never finished that's what you said i didn't i thought you were saying i'm a roofie you and i was like no i'm saying you have to roofie yourself because old man i'm lazy that's a whole nother level of roofie jokes duck you think it's a new day and age uh i have, because I'd never got my wisdom teeth removed, I have all the nine teeth that I lost in the back of my mouth

still somewhere in a little jar. There's a jar. It's creepy. Every time I find it, I'm like, oh, he's a murderer. These are kids' teeth. So I would love to bring you to my dentist and say she would like these put back in she's had a change of heart doc oh we'll find one

you can always find a lawyer and a doctor to do something no my dentist is I have a very good dental hygienist and that's all I'll say. I'll keep it positive. I've literally, she goes, okay, now I'm done with your cleaning. The dentist is going to come in

and I've literally, as she goes to find him, run out. You're not going to run out again, are you? Because the dentist has to... I go, no, I'll be... And then I go, I should run out, but then they have an eye on me. Are we breaking on this? Yeah.

Alright, I guess this is the time. I have to pee so bad. Hot tails! Our guest today piece about our guests today on the Doug Stano podcast are the folks from Platte Valley Saddle Shop here in Kearney Nebraska let me give you a little insight into the Platte Valley Saddle Shop in 1942 Elmas and Edna Henderson founded the Platte Valley Saddle Shop. In 1942, Elmas and Edna Henderson founded the Platte Valley Saddle Shop here in Kearney, Nebraska, making quality Western saddles. 71 years later, Lyle and Linda Henderson, our guests today, are continuing the tradition of making quality Western saddles. It would be their privilege to help you with all

your western saddle tack and saddle needs hey lyle and linda let me ask you a question as my guests on the podcast why a custom saddle linda the most common reason is fit. Our trees are custom made for the horse and the rider. Is that the only reason, Lyle? Another reason is quality. We use the best materials available on the market. And why else should people visit you at P.O. Box 1683, Kearney, Nebraska, 68848-1683? Carney, Nebraska 6-8-8-4-8 dash 1-6-8-3 Well, the third reason is pride.

A custom-made Henderson saddle will not be like any other saddle you have ever owned, nor will it be like anyone else's saddle. It will be a work of art you will be proud to ride. That sounds fantastic. Hey, here's Brett Erickson with some more

of the items you can get at Platte Valley Saddle Shop. So please give us a call today at the Platte Valley Saddle Shop. Call Linda or Lyle. They're always eager to please at 308-234-4015. Once again, that's area code 308-234-4015. This is a toll call. Or just stop by our convenient location at P.O. Box 1683 Kearney, Nebraska 68848. This message brought to you by Castle Rock Kinney for Mayor. Hi, I'm Castle Rock

Kinney, and I approve this message. Hang on, hang on. Everyone listen. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Oh, hi, Doug. It's Dean Bertine. Saturday, July 27th. Just out of curiosity, I wondered how the purple driveway and the acid green front door and everything,

how everything looks in Bisbee. Just curious. Anyway, when you get back, I hope everything goes all right. And when you get back, give me a call. Thanks. Bye. That is Catherine Bertine's mother that I'm taking care of.

But the fact that she remembers from the day before to the next day about i told her it's a turquoise turquoise driveway and a uh but acid green i just like it's been two months dealing with her she doesn't remember that i'm her daughter's friend she keeps showing me pictures of her daughter. But the more we've been around, the more she's friendly. And I don't want to get to that point because this is a woman with dementia. I've already done this.

Bertine and her father, well, you'll probably get good bits out of this. No, I won't. I've done this. I just enjoy trying to make her happy. When I was cranking on fucking edibles the other night that I thought would put me to bed, but they made me stay up. I go, I want to go talk to Debertine, mother.

I want to talk to her and make her come out of her shell. But she is. And to have that voicemail where she did remember, hey, take a lot of pictures of your house. Well, she remembered. I told her, call me anytime. I missed that call at 2.30 this afternoon because now it's way later. You're fixing her.

She's almost repaired. Are you psychologically going back to your mom fucking stuff? No, because my mother was a gross. She chain smokes. My mother was a. She never had dementia. No, no. But just when I

moved into homestretch and then I took on the duty by my own... Mother 2.0. No one asked me to do that. I suggested it when I realized mother and husband were like no one wants to go over there.

Your own mental illness caused you to do it. We understand that. But I imagined smoking with her. I explained this. I hope I haven't told this before, but no, I wouldn't have, because it's not interesting. So I'll tell it now. Indeed, bring it up.

I imagined smoking with her because she chain smokes with all the doors shut as we're doing tonight in the fun house and but she has a weird she's very weird with her proclivities in that once

you finish a cigarette she finishes her cigarette smokes it down to the bone, and then rolls out the cartilage there and then puts the cigarette butt and the ash into an empty pack of cigarettes or a pack of... Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. She keeps an empty pack of cigarettes. She's not snuffing it in the carpet or something.

She's into an ashtray. No, into an ashtray, but you don't leave ashes in the ashtray. It's so fucking weird. So now I don't even want to smoke over there with her while she chats with me. Smokers are the most tolerant of other smokers. For 20 years, I've been going to a convention with my brother. And at one time, he had a guy that was working in the shop who was a fucking smoker. And he would always let him go on break while we were setting up because all the smokers talk shit while they're smoking.

Like ad nauseum. They just will fucking unleash. They're not going to go back and we would find out all the shit about everyone else. And now you can't even smoke over there with her because she's doing one little tiny thing. I just feel she's very particular and she's from an era

where she fancied herself not a debutante, but a social elite. And she was. She shows me pictures of her with the Stanley Cup. What? Yeah, she was best friends. She drops my Johnny Depp about this lady who owned the Houston Astros and the New Jersey Devils.

And she has the Stanley Cup and shows me pictures repeatedly, not remembering she did, about her with the Stanley Cup. And she was an interior decorator as well. And she said, you're better than I am, Debertine. She said, you're better than I am, D-Bertine. I want you to do all of my houses across the country. And I did. I did all of her houses.

Do you show her pictures of you and Johnny Depp? No, no, no, I haven't. I've finally taken a shit in the Stanley Cup. This is my friend, Johnny Depp. Maybe you've heard of him. Sometimes we stay in his guest houses. He has art on the wall made of money. Old ladies do love it when you drop the JD.

She's too old for JD she is like Olivia Grace when you drop like a reference to Olivia Grace like yesterday I'm young you and I have had some battles about youth because

when I did the math I realized Olivia Grace youth because when we did the math when i did the math i realized olivia grace would uh if i had a child late in life late in life she's yeah she's 30 years my junior so yeah she's gonna be my kid is what i think in my head and that gives me the creeps but then i go wait you could be my kid is what I think in my head. And that gives me the creeps. But then I go, wait, if she was my kid, I had a kid wicked late at 33. I think you said once, just out of nowhere, like we've been silent for like an hour. And then just out of nowhere, you popped up and went my career is older than you

by seven years I remember where we were I remember the street we were going to get Bertine's fucking wing chairs oh that's right was that Sam Levitt's day yep all of that happened in the same

day by the, Chad put those chairs together. Yeah, and I put a... Oh, God. I don't want to even get into all this shit I bought for her. No, I put together with an Allen wrench like Chad did and Olivia Grace helped a table.

So it's gone from the chairs to the throw rugs, which I scored chairs to the throw rugs, which I scored on the fucking throw rugs. Once I got her the fucking chairs, she's like, well, we should get some hemming of maybe tassels and some gold because the,

the couch matches the, uh, I don't know any of what you're fucking talking about she got snippy with me and i almost snapped at her like hey hey fucking lady i don't so oh i was gonna say that finally yeah when when i tell me we haven't talked about this how her husband lives across the way next to me in Bertine's house because they can't tolerate the cigarette smoke have we talked about this Jaylee no sounds familiar to me yeah that's again we we we talk for an hour on the podcast and then a million so so they can't tolerate going over there because of the cigarette smoke and i go can't tolerate it mother and husband i mean daughter and husband yeah

thanks sorry because peter has a open heart surgery and katherine's an athlete and that's why they're both like they're both they're both fucking really tepid people. If you can't tolerate cigarette smoke... Ew, you're gross. 82, Peter the Great. Fuck you. You grew up in Mad Men era. Everyone smoked.

Fuck you. I can't tolerate it because my heart is fucking bleeding through my chest. Oh, you and your excuses. Maybe it's the smoke he can't tolerate. Maybe it's his ex-wife. Oh, my chest. Oh, you and your excuses. Maybe it's the smoke he can't tolerate. Maybe it's his ex-wife. Oh, my God. She said that in front of him the first day.

Okay, so here's how it goes. When they say, oh, who's going to take care of her? I'm sure we had to have talked about this on a podcast. Fuck you. Sounds familiar to me. No, no one's complained yet.

You were talking about how when you finally, she got under your skin enough for you to tell her finally that you were a comedian. All right, I'll speed through this. They're talking about who's going to take care of her for the summer while they're away and all these reasons. I go, I'll do it. And they go, okay, great. They're very happy. Are you serious? Because they think that she must be as irritating to all of population as she is to her. Well, no,

I've dealt with a mother that chain smokes and drinks Diet Dr. Pepper. It's the only difference. And they said she's a hoarder. My mother's a hoarder. She's not really a hoarder. She just wants all of her old things back. So, cut to, where'd you just guide me?

You were talking about how when Peter put put you when you told peter you'd be in charge peter said oh we should tell her you're a handyman and not a comedian so she thank you yeah that's why she's cast member keeps me on track so we had a bunch of bullshit going into this. She also said that she doesn't want a man. She wants a woman when he goes away and her daughter goes away. I don't want a man. You were close enough. A female caretaker. Yes.

She thinks there's a man stalking her. Is that why you paint your nails? Yeah. She did mention them once. God damn it. Now I want to call her. I want to drunk dial my dementia patient.

She's a year younger than she thinks she is. She lost a year. Anyway. Alright, I'm pretty pickled just keep talking we're gonna figure out a way to save this I thought it was really interesting because I know that you had said for a really long time that you had always told her

like oh I'm just a local handyman and that was Peter's idea because we never had to get to that place because Peter and I came up with all these things because she wanted a woman not a man so i was i i wear like uh the workman's yeah workman's shirts and i'll just say you're a handyman and you're doing this and that. And so we went in with a sea of half-cooked lies that I'm going to tell this woman. And it's immediately apparent she doesn't give a fuck.

She just wants to show me pictures of when she was young. She wants to show me pictures of the grand estate that she lived in in New York, New Jersey,irondacks and this is she was a painter she has all these paintings uh that she's painted around her house it's impeccable and and i start telling her my lies i got i got my bullshit down and she doesn't care. And then within a few days, I realized, oh, all my bullshit is worthless. It's Groundhog Day. You're doing the same fucking thing.

It is for her. That's what I mean. You or Bill Murray, you can do whatever the fuck you want because tomorrow it's a clean slate. I would expect better from you, Stan Hope. I know, but it... Step up a little bit here. Here's my problem. Oh my God, we're under communist rule.

I have a heart. And you go, is that funny to just fuck with someone's head? Because you just listen to that. She does remember something from yesterday. So you can't fuck with her you want to to try to keep her remembering things so i remember stuff because i don't feel like i'm that far off from d bertine well this is my really

this whole thing is clearly just you staring into the abyss of your own fucking demise i mean i thought we understood this from the beginning but uh maybe uh it was just me this is kinder gentleman this better not turn into an intervention because I'm not ready. I didn't have notes. Oh, me neither. I'm way too drunk for an intervention. That's not a... It makes you... It's scheduled for tomorrow, but right now

it's not convenient for me. If that's the case... If that is the case that I am losing it that bad, I prefer my method of just placating placate me because yeah some people get really upset you fucking don't remember you fucking said that to me you're absolutely right yeah fucking play along with gaming. Go along with it. You want to live in... What are you trying to force somebody back into reality?

No, remember you live here where it's shitty. Your whole life sucks. Forget your fucking happy memories that you live in. Come back to reality where it's fucking fucked up. Garbage city. No, I agree with you 100%. Also, if I admit to anything that doesn't have statute of limitations,

it's only a product of dementia and not a true statement of anything that happened in the past. Satire and parody. Hyperbole. Hyperbole. Hyperbole. Hyperbole, hyperbole, hyperbole, sorry. That three stooges thing I was trying to come up with. All right.

Hey, on my wall at the basement of Homestretch Foundation, I do have a note to self. When I was doing the best for myself, I put some motivational things and one of them was a, hey, you sound stupid as fuck when you're drunk on a podcast. Try doing it sober, you fucking stupid idiot. A note to myself. Well, we had to do a few in a row here because Chaley's have to go out of town and they only have one job. It's not to go out of town and they only have one job. It's not to go out of town.

I hate the Traley's. It is the wrong time to go because we're wrapping up on the construction and I hate it but I gotta go. Chaley has made everything happen and I wrote Your checkbook made everything happen. And I wrote... Your checkbook made everything happen, my friend.

There would not be another week if I couldn't forge your signature on a check to someone that did a lot of work. I sometimes wish there was a better way for me to thank someone than just give them money. But I go, all right, I'll just write Chaley a check. Thank you. Whatever, because I have no

heartfelt thing to do. But yeah, here's a heartfelt thing to the Traleys for making everything happen at my home while I've been away. And Olivia Grace, sorry about all the horrible things. He has no problem about saying sorry, but he can't say thank you. That's funny. I don't know how to say thank you in Spanish.

He's accustomed to saying one of them. Yeah. I guess you got more practice the other way. First thing I learned in Spanish when we started going to Costa Rica was how to say I'm sorry. I never learned how to say thank you. Probably said I'm sorry. You don't know what you said because you never researched it.

Lo siento. I got it. I think that means sit down. Maybe not. Fermé la bouche. That's what I got it. I think that means sit down. Maybe not. Fermi la bouche. That's what I said today. I know. Yeah. What does it mean? Costa Rica? Hey, Kenny!

Gertrude Healy, my French teacher. Fermi la bouche. My Uncle Randy used to say cuatro cinco. How much is five? Oh, yeah. My Uncle Randy used to say, Cuatro Cinco. How much is five? Oh, yeah. Ordering drugs. Yeah, I don't remember.

Maybe I said it wrong. That's 45. All right. Maybe that's the wrong thing. Cuatro Cinco is 45. Cuatro Cinco. Cuatro Cinco. Maybe that's what. Cuanto Cinco. Cuanto Cinco. Cuanto Cinco. Maybe that's what it was.

How much is five, which is a very rudimentary way of saying it, but yeah. Yeah, maybe that's what it was. What was he buying? I think I'm too drunk. What was he buying? Everything. I love that you're... Whatever was on sale.

I love that your uncle has stories that are one separation from Doug and I. He has Electric Dave, who was on the podcast years ago. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. has stories that are one separation from Doug and I. Like he has Electric Dave who was on the podcast years ago. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. I'd like to thank everyone who is coming out for this tour. Hey Foster Brooks, you want to take a breath

before you fucking start saying something? I'm talking. This tour Big elephants in front of Doug Stanoff's face right now. This tour is going to be a party. Again, I've said it. I'm going to try to channel my inner Burt Kreischer. We're going to make this a party.

Well, we haven't said it yet, but it's obvious to us. But everyone asks. I see questions all the time. The full merch machine is rolling out on this tour we're bringing tracy along to sell merch and uh yeah those people have been asking for things and uh we set it up earlier on a podcast uh book of mormons you have you need a two dollar bill to buy a book of mormon you go second in line not first in line second which is which is the opposite marketing strategy for bibles completely absolutely they're smaller and take up less space you get your get your book of mormon for a two dollar bill but more whimsical

like like everyone knows what it reads them well them! Well, yeah, but that's the fun of it. Everyone kind of knows what happens in the Bible, but you crack open the Book of Mormon and you're like, wow, there's some surprises in here. That's true. But the Bible is written in Oldspeak. Where the Book of Mormon,

you kind of follow along. There's not as much the and theis. Is there a jive version of the bible we're gonna write it Chad's gonna voice over it the s*** dot com oh

I'm gonna just shut the f*** up settle down Stan Hope settle down I'm going down on follow Olivia Grace at OliviaDoesBits. That sounded sexist. I'm going to object in Olivia's honor. Don't talk about going down on her Twitter account.

Yeah, what are you trying to sell, tickets or something? Trying to sell tickets. Oh, my God. The ticker tape is going gangbusters. Doug, keep talking about something sexist with Olivia Grace. These tickets are flying off the shelves. Hey, follow the

shrill and defensive. Get on the Patreon. Thank you. Thank you everyone. It's nice to be back at the Funhouse for a limited time only. We might be in London

soon. Just fucking around teasing you. Click. Did you say click? You're not gonna finish that? Nope. I haven't hit it yet. I'm done. guitar solo Thank you.