The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#370: Day 06 - Stanhope's 30 Day News Blackout

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

Day 06. On second thought, I should not have licked that door handle.Recorded April 8th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Ms. Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Stanhope is taking 30 days avoiding any news from the outside world whatsoever.As of 4/3/20 I am extending quarantine 30 days including complete #NewsBlackout of any kind. @MrHennigan will be running my Twitter. I will not be seeing responses, texts or leaving the house.Daily podcasts. Use hashtag for suggestions to @gregchaille or email [e-mail]~Doug StanhopeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast good morning quarantinians is that did you look that up no no no i was asking other people to do it uh where are we fucking day six i'm down to uh 15 cigarettes trying to make them last trying to fucking knock out rest of this book while I still have smokes and walked Henry this morning and

we talked about Bingo doing the fucking her personal training yeah yesterday yesterday she did eight days worth of workouts in a day and was already on a few today. Not even 24 hours. Bingo is fucking ripped.

Immediately, in a matter of days, she is fucking... I told her, start personal training. Go beat your personal trainer in one of those bodybuilding competitions that she does and then steal all her fucking clients. I gotta get pictures. I didn't have my phone when I went by, but tomorrow I'll get some pictures. The only problem, she needs sun.

She's been inside so long. She's got the... She looks like a cadaver. Tracy's not mic'd up yet. Just scream, Tracy. Scratch it, Doug. Scream! Come over here.

I know that sunlight helps kill the virus, so she needs to get sun on her skin. Yeah, she's very afraid to go outside. She's got a story that I'll let her tell when we get her on Skype at some point. That's pretty funny. Olivia Grace is talking to me again. She's nice. I was thinking that this morning.

That was basically fucking bioterrorism we did to her. It's fucked up. Lick her fucking door handle. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't a solid lick. I wasn't brushing my tongue on the fucking knob. I just made contact.

Like a nine-volt battery. That's kind of contact. That was a mob thing. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't cool. It wasn't cool. It was stupid, but it wasn't horrible. Well, if you're that terrified,

it is horrible. Yeah. Like, yeah, you really probably could get locked up for that. Like, like, good thing there's no videotape.

Yeah. If we went to the wrong house. Yeah. But then they just have to let you go. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. They're not going to clog the jails with,

with a doorknob lickers to let you go. Yeah. I don't know. They're not going to clog the jails with doorknob lickers. Yeah, especially. Yeah. Then you're a high risk person. You lick the doorknob. They can't throw you in a fucking general population. The guards would give you your own key to unlock your door. Honor system jail.

We'd be a bunch of Otis's in the locker. Fucking Chaley says he just finished the issues with andy so i just piggybacked while you're still freshly cocktailing i didn't want you to have to get tired again and he said uh hey if you want to uh uh try skype give it a yeah a dry run with andy he's just sitting around drunk. And I go, no, no. Andy would fucking say the wrong thing. He doesn't. He'd tell me something that's going on and not be able to fucking stifle

himself or think it through before it came out of his mouth. So while Chaley setting up fucking Andy calls me and I made the mistake of taking the fucking call. And like the second sentence he goes, so are we allowed to tell you if a comedian died? And I'm like, all right, are you telling me this fucking Andy? I should have just hung up right then. That's yeah, that's not out of the fucking blue. If I guess if I guess it, if I have one guess and I guess it, will you tell me?

I won't. I don't know, why not? Ron White. I don't know the news. We didn't talk about it. Oh, alright. Maybe it was just random. But as soon as I said no, he goes, well, James Inman is still alive. And I go, yeah, nice cover. Nice cover, Andy. alive. And I go, yeah, nice cover. Nice cover,

Andy. The neighbor across the street, I don't know if you can hear him. I know you hear him up here. He used to practice his drums on the weekend. Yeah. Yeah, he's cute. I always assumed it's like some teenager or something. I don't know who it is. Don't know anyone in that house, really.

But now that every day's a weekend, those fucking drums every goddamn day. And he's not getting better. It sounds like... Could be a she. I don't know why I said it's a he. Sounds like a junior high band practice. Sounds like fucking drums.

Yeah, I'm just saying the level they keep going over something which listen I'm no virtuoso do do do do do do do well I can get you a drum set set up here in 10 minutes you want to go dueling drums across the hand hike

i could not fucking keep a beat uh yeah i got down to 15 cigarettes uh it was working on the book but then you had the podcast so i went to write the track titles. Finally, I kept them simple. And then he's like, well, you want to write the thank yous, too. And this is fucking digital. Do people even put out fucking hard product DVDs anymore that I would even have to write? Thank yous. Well, Tracy, how often? I mean, what's our sales like at the Stanhope store? i guess it'd be rolling on the fucking screen at the end yeah okay so yeah fuck hard copies

i called uh i called the plaza hotel to get the manager's name he sent us that the big plaza vintage old school poster thing that you framed for me? Yeah. So I wanted to put him in the thank yous. I'm like, I'm not fucking spending a lot of time on this. This is fucking almost a year ago. I don't even remember who was there. So I just did you guys and Bingo and Hannigan, of course.

But I wanted to put that guy in. So I called the plaza to get his name. The hotel front desk manager and i like are they even gonna answer their phone and they did oh they got it i mean someone's got it there's got to be at least a security guard right you think so yeah someone answered the phone and gave me the name and uh i said are you guys even open she said no no but we uh reopened may 1st and i all right maybe this thing's over was it gary yep gary vickery yeah could ask me but i'm well you were podcasting i'm closed that's why that's why i did a different task in the house while you were doing this very simple

getting simple things done i want to fucking I got to clean out the guest house. Soon. For our company, I guess this weekend. And yeah, just go in there. It seems overwhelming. I want to hire someone to do it, but that... Who? I'd like to switch out that bed in there.

That bed's comfortable as fuck. Is it? Everybody loves that bed. I just don't. It's like on cinder blocks. Yeah. I'd like to use, I'd like there to be storage space underneath. Yeah, I could use like a dresser or something.

I don't know how full that closet is. Fridge is empty. Closet's full. All right. Completely. Completely? Yeah. Gotta get rid of some shit

I haven't gone into my closet I'm almost ready to do a fucking swing through on your What's it a nimble or what's it called? Gimble Gimble Oh do the house? Yeah We could do that at some point

Yeah For the Patreon For the $1 Patreon people Yeah I heard of there's a big backlash against the fucking Well You got me alright You can imagine what for now yeah for now yeah for the sake of what this world is going through a dollar i do want to i want to the episode our weekly episode went out today well it's going out today a little bit late it's hump day well i was so late last night when i

finally got everything done because everything has to render. I'm not used to this process, so getting drunk every day doesn't help. But the I do have the weekly one as a video, so I figured what we could do is maybe put that out

for free on Patreon, so everyone can go to Patreon if they want to see the first taste kind of thing. But we'll see. The audio is going to go out later today. Fuck, I wish I had more notes.

Shit, I forgot to look that stuff up. We had some good questions. Here, you talk. I'll pull it up on my computer. Trying to make for words. I smell bad. I haven't showered.

I'm going to fucking wash my tub. Whoever gifted the black soap. Yeah, it stays black on the fucking tub. It's dumb. black soap. Yeah. Stays black on the fucking tub. Dumb. Yeah, I gotta move that shit. The table from

in here got moved in there and the chair got moved in there and that's heavy lifting. I miss Tom Konopka. He's always around. He always needed some fucking work. But he still does.

Well, I mean, if he's doing weeds and stuff, that's not going to be anywhere near me. And, you know, I never stand around anyone who's working. If you're doing any kind of manual labor at my house, I'm fucking disappeared. I'm under a couch. I'm hiding in a closet. I don't want to see you work while my sloth is in full bloom. Are you guys even going to stores?

I'm going to need cigarettes. That's not going to last me through the last fucking 30 pages. I got to write about the fucking haunted house. That's the missing lump and I just have to figure out the angle. What's that? For the book.

To jump from Farts Fest to fucking the coma. No. That's your last chunk? That's the last unwritten chunk. Everything else is just shoring it up ironing out the clunky sentences I'm fucking

just keep hitting sentences going fuck I wrote that yeah fucking good ones yeah good stuff I don't remember writing but that's yeah that's what I don't remember writing. But that's, yeah, that's what. Sign of a good author. I don't have any idea how this fucking book got written, but it took so goddamn long.

It was just a, you know, when the binge was hot, stay with it. And then wake up in the morning and go, fuck, that's pretty good. Pretty goddamn good. I'm doing white Russians because all I ate today was a piece of toast. But yeah, well, it's fucking milk. It's going to expire. There's no one. You're going to eat fucking Joby.

Do you eat banana bread? Yeah. Well, pass it off down there to whoever's next door. Maybe we'll leave it in the fridge for the guest. Neighbor Dave, Jen. Neighbor Dave makes his own banana bread. Yeah, well, Jen. That's true.

Anything that's perishable, get it to Jen. I haven't seen. I should check in on her. Like, I walk down. I expect her to be on the porch, but blinds are shut. Wait, sitting on the porch, not lying on the porch. Did I say lying? No, the imagery.

It's like, check on her. She could be on the porch, not lying on the porch. Did I say lying? No. The imagery is like, check on her. She could be on the porch. Every time I hear a helicopter, I think a tank is next. Battering red? But, God, just to fucking walk down the fucking streets. They're empty anyway. It's not like it's weird. It's not like it's the 101 or Times Square.

It's not like it's weird. It's not like it's the 101 or Times Square. It's not like a mob of drunks and an off-leash dog running down to lynch a Frankenstein monster. Oh, my God. That neighbor still bothers me. I waved at a fucking guy. You know, it says in this town, you wave at your neighbors when they drive by. And the guy didn't wave back. And then I wanted to fucking.

And then he pulled over a couple houses behind me and i wanted to go back and punch him in the fucking face and tell him someone waves at you you fucking wave back yeah it is odd it's like it's like so positive and then they drive by without waving you're like you fucking mother he's just got right into the ditch with it yeah very offended it's fucking out of towner you're lost it's probably one of those fucking hazard tweak houses that are always in the police beat i didn't even read the police beat that's the one i know i took it out of here thing i'm afforded is to get to read the police beat i have to redact everything it'll bleed through so what i'll do is i'll take it and i'll make it be like one of those uh ransom note things wait you have to redact the police meet no um i have to redact

yeah i'll just paste it onto something it's not like i'm gonna flip it over i'm well disciplined that's true so i i hit a news blackout hashtag news news blackout. Hashtag news blackout on Twitter. We're starting to get more. It's not from 2015 or when some other crazy thing happened. Someone put, Quinn Van Halen says, after months of procrastination, I finally signed up for Doug Stano Patreon. The news blackout videos are worth every penny. Thanks, Shaylee, for making the podcast happen. You're welcome.

As much as people are saying don't get rid of the dollar,'s a lot of people that are saying you know this is worth it and it's good because well yeah just go up to five bucks on your own the people who need a dollar god bless you someone did a flash dance cast pants uh posted a clip of the podcast that just went out. And it's listening to this on repeat. Has me dying. Thank you, Shaley and Stanhope. News blackout. And I don't know if I can play it.

Let me see if I can play this. It is funny. It's going to happen, right? Yeah, I got one in there that expires on the 10th, so it's a gallon I'm trying to get rid of. I'm eating Cocoa Puffs. Anything to get rid of the milk. Hold on, let me get this on here. Help light. Lighting.

Yeah, that light. I spent more money on Amazon for equipment last time I came. Yeah, there's some boxes, packages. That was just yeast. That's all they – That was just yeast. It's like me saying I spent money on – drunkenly spent money on Amazon because you said there's packages.

And I go, it's just yeast. And that's the only clip. And I go, that's as good an ad for what we talk about on the daily podcast as anything else. So thanks for doing that. Here, maybe I should give you my shopping list since my list of fucking what I did today is nothing. I need sour cream because I got a bunch of fucking potatoes. And I need V8 juice. I was going to buy that on Amazon.

And it was like, oh, we'll deliver this like May 19th. I need vegetables sooner. I've been drinking my smoothies. Hydrating. Maybe I should wrestle bingo. She won't fucking touch me she's like serious hardcore like I tried to I was walking the dog and uh I was gonna throw out her trash because of course she has fucking a month's worth of trash and the dumpster's right there but she's afraid to go outside the gate so uh hold the dog's leash hold the dog's leash and i'll get the trash and she's like just just just yeah put him in the yard or

i never mind the dog's not gonna fucking move old fuck she's been sleeping with me she acts like she likes me sometimes it's weird But you're the only one around now. So, yeah. I've had both of them sleep in the same bed. I thought you meant Bingo sleeps with you. No, no, no. The dog. The dog. Yeah, no, the dog. It's great.

And the fucking dog was sleeping with me this morning and Meatwigs started the fucking rawr, rawr at 4.30 in the fucking morning again two days in a row and this time i fucking double locked them out of the i shut both the office door and the bedroom door so i couldn't hear it but i i i just cleaned out the fucking pink room cleaned off that bed oh that stuff is to be framed chaley oh if the framing business comes back around i'll take it out there

yeah i figured that's where it was even the stamps yeah you look at the stamps show the people i know i know this one you love this one who's the ichabod one this is the oh yeah here's the is the that's for the new bathroom on was somewhere on the road You know where it was? It was that downstairs comedy club But we actually played upstairs It was Indiana It was Fucking

Right over the border Yeah it was the place we thought was gonna suck Where I get a haircut Oh speaking of haircut. Don't want to fuck. Finish your thing. What's that? Elkhart.

Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, that's right. Yeah. That one kid who was horribly burnt, like had an accident where he was completely burnt. Oh, and Olivia Grace did the burn victim. Olivia Grace did a whole bit on a burnt guy of being an asshole. That was fucking great. Here's the, yeah, I guess we're, yeah, we'll, this is a whole sheet of 10 cent stamps.

I'm like, does he want me to use this as postage? This is retarded children can be helped. Yeah, we'll make that a thing. I remember going to, I had to meet with a lawyer in LA entertainment lawyer guy and I'm like why do we have to get it's like West LA and we have to go there

at like 4 in the afternoon so fucking rush hour traffic we're going to hire a lawyer why do I have to meet with him what am I going to say? What do you have to say in person that can't be said? Right. Like, over a phone.

Yeah. Yeah. So he just, and he's a fucking big shit guy. And, like, he had a sheet of acid framed and autographed by Timothy Leary. And what a waste of acid, though. I mean, but I said, is that really acid? He goes, no. But those are real retard stamps.

That's what, yeah, I go, I'm going to get that framed. But maybe I can get a retarded kid to sign it like Timothy, like a famous retarded kid. Sean Cassidy's still alive? What did that come up in? Oh, Louis C.K.'s special. I'm into books off the specials, but I'll probably get

back into the specials. I don't know. It's a fucking... Oh, anyway, yeah, that lawyer guy, he just started some whole fucking barrage It's a fucking... Oh, anyway. Yeah, that lawyer guy. He just started some whole fucking barrage of showing off his toys and what he can do for us. And with merchandise and ancillary rights.

And then if you do this, we can do this. Just do what you... I don't need to know this. And it was like 20 minutes of him talking and me saying nothing. Him wanting to basically be in the Doug Stanton business. Of course, it ends with, so if you have any questions for me, 20 minutes later, I just said, yeah, what does ancillary mean? And rather than laugh, he explained in detail what detail and now i use that word all the time i have to control f my book did i use ancillary too many times love that word

so that's one of the fucking grand examples of what this fucking virus can do for us. Yeah. You fucking call your teleconference. You don't need to fucking sit in an office. You can turn your fucking WhatsApp video phone to the Timothy Leary sheet of acid and go, I got this. I go, that's great. What does ancillary mean again?

Send me a link to dictionary.com. You just hover over it and it tells you. You don't even have to get off the screen. Yeah, if the acid was real, then it would have been beneficial for you to be there. If you want to do acid with your entertainment lawyer, which that's a version of hell, I think. Yeah. Doing acid with a lawyer. That's a version of hell, I think.

Yeah. Doing acid with a lawyer. You wonder if it was real acid, at what point you start to crack the frame. You know, like bars that have all the fucking dollar bills signed, stapled to the fucking roof. And you go, all right, when you go out of business, when John Taffer can't help you anymore, at what point do you start fucking crying up? Hey, where's that staple remover?

Best of luck. Signed, Eric Clapton. You really want to buy cigarettes with these dollars? Yeah. In the current climate. This is a John Lennon. Are you really? Well, can I get two packs?

The hard rock cafes are trying to pawn all their fucking bass guitars for fucking toilet paper. A lot of that shit is just either they handed it to Joe Perry and then he handed it to you to put in the case after he signed it. I mean, that's what it is. The point is, like, everyone that's out of business now, all the bars, hotels and restaurants that are pawning that shit for fucking bleach. You do sign everything. I mean, on the road, i signed legal documents for you but that but all the merchandise all these these are all my notes from the uh six days in the fucking hole yeah and uh yeah we'll i'll we'll put those in merch yeah yeah hey buy some merch. Tracy, you just put up tour T-shirts.

I don't know. Tell them. Aside from the title. I just had to tell Brian to retweet it. Oh, thank you. Yeah, it's, I mean, especially people who have tickets for your shows and couldn't go for various reasons. They can now buy their tour shirt before they go to your show. What she's trying to say politely is, we paid for a lot of fucking merch to meet us in Denver,

and that show has been postponed. Oh, I just got a notification from fucking Delta today saying you should consider checking in for your trip tomorrow. I'm like, what? Yeah. Yeah, and I go, oh, fuck, did I not cancel that flight? And I called him, and yes, I did cancel it. Delta was the first.

We had a flight. It wasn't even the 20, it wasn't even the 19th of March, and I knew, because that was when we were going to go to St. Louis, and I go, oh, fuck, we're supposed to fly from Salt Lake back to Boise. Or no, back to Bisbee for a week and then go back up.

I go, fuck. I'm jumping on this right away. And it was before Idaho had even locked down. And I'm like, oh, fuck. There's no way. You're going to get just in this fucking rotation of rotary phone hell. Delta was like, oh, no. We'll take care of something. I'm like, I don the immediate delta was like oh no we'll take care of something like i don't know you have to fake a cough i mean and they're like no no we're

gonna give you a we're gonna give you a uh we're gonna give you a credit just go through customer service don't you can't do it online because i did what you said about a year ago uh buy it from delta.com buy your tickets there and then you have a little more sway if you buy it from delta.com buy your tickets there and then you have a little more sway if you buy it from Expedia you have to go through Expedia which I don't know

how that's gonna play out yeah and that's so always fucking India and they are very nice and polite

and so ineffective but their policy isn't as direct as dealing with Delta and then it doesn't hurt that we've got the status that you afford me and Tracy and everyone else. Yeah, just got the American Express bill and props to, I can't remember the name of the hotel in Seattle. When we ditched out of there.

Oh, yeah. I get some. Wait, we didn't even leave there early you did you did a couple days oh that's right because yeah i wanted to be a graduate stuck in baltimore graduate it's a chain too uh yeah the graduate yeah they credited all the days i wasn't there well we we did that uh that shoot with um with Matt Collins, that interview. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That was fun. And they couldn't give us anything. And then I think they could see me, like whoever was the Brad or something at the front desk, could see us on cameras checking doorknobs everywhere. And I finally went downstairs to go to do something. And I walked by and he goes, hey, by the way, let me, I think you can take the Denali room or something. And I'm like, what?

And he gave us that room to do. Yeah, the banquet room. Like two. Or a meeting room. Like a meeting room. But for like two and a half hours, we had that room. And he was just really fucking kick-ass. And then I went down to tip him

and he was already gone for the day. So, you know. He didn't do it because of a tip. He did it because he saw us probably looking for towels. Yeah, that makes me wonder, like, are hotels even open? I don't want to know, but I know Vegas closed all their hotels. You did because you called today and got news. Well, no.

I got thrown out of fucking Vegas when they said we're shutting this whole town down uh and get thrown out i fled uh but i wonder if i asked that on twitter i'm sure i probably brought this up early on in this like what was the last comedy show that anyone did? Like, what was the last holdout comedy show? And I tweeted that knowing I'm going to get fucking idiots. And JT Haberstatt was one. He said, comedy store. And I went, no, what date?

Like, how far? Who was the last? Yeah. I think you talked about this. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Well, I do know the answer to that, but i can't tell you for 26 more days oh really there was one recently oh in front of a live audience wow all right i look forward to that i'm i i gotta start making a list

of all the things that i will want to know first obviously dead people well yeah there's this fucking state of affairs oh shit yes my stocks like I would always there's only like a couple stocks that know that I know about

like my you know Steve Viafor my stock broker Steve Viafor I always put him on speakerphone in the car because he's ridiculous. Are you standing on a desk like Wolf of Wall Street when you call me? Fucking, I'm the biggest sucker. Yeah, that's why I have a stockbroker.

I don't have any input. I go, yeah, do whatever you want, Steve. I have an idea. You have a good hunch on this one. They're doing a thing. I haven't heard from him since all this shit went down. So I try to write shit down what stock he's putting me in. So I have two that I follow, three that I follow. And yeah, it'll be fun to see how much that is not worth at the end of this. Or maybe it's worth something again,

and I'm not fucking torturing myself daily watching everything plummet. Well, you're not a day trader, so. Did we talk? I know I talked about Alex's book that I was reading through. You're almost done with it. No, I did finish before our book that I was reading through. You're almost done with it. No, I did finish before our podcast. I finished right before. I really drunk really quick last night.

And it's fiction. And I didn't really have notes for him. But the notes that I did have. Do we talk about this with the airplanes? Because we talked about this about Tom Segura. 16C is not a window seat. It's an aisle seat. So there's a few things where he's talking about flying from LAX to Uganda.

And he said, our first stop was in Tucson. And then from there, we went to Brussels. There's no fucking nonstop from Tucson to Brussels. What? Are you fucking crazy? He also called it the Chateau Marmont. Marmont. Marmont.

I go, what are you, a fucking hillbilly? It's a Marmont. A marmot is a fucking rodent. It was a Belushi died. But yeah, most of my notes were airplane related. That doesn't make sense. Continuity notes. No grammar, really? No.

no grammar really no uh so I finished that now I'm starting to try to finish uh Joel Hodgman John John? John Hodgman I think it might be Joel I know you think it is

I don't know it's gonna be a while fortunately I had lots of fucking miles left over from last year that I'll still make my fucking status this year you think they'll give everyone kind of a mulligan on that

if I wasn't sure that I would die from this virus within minutes it would be so much fun to just fly now. Hell yes. Wherever they were going. You and the crew would be on the flight.

Yeah. I can't even talk about it. Jesus Christ. Something happened. Something happened. There's always something happening. I'm not curious until you say shit like that. Or when that's why I keep doing it. Can I tell you if a comedian dies?

If he's one of your friends? I will tell you if a comedian dies. No, don't tell me. Really? No, I don't even fucking bingo dies. I go, hey, she's not answering her phone. She must be having fun. If you die, maybe you should fucking...

I should show you how to push the button over here. Get a paper finger pointing to the button. Press me. That wouldn't do the video, though. There's considerably more gear right now. You are in room 418. You are in Daytona. That's in the book.

That's such a great story. It's because I needed it. I did wake up not knowing where the fuck I was or why. There's a note on the nightstand in the hotel from Chaley. You are in Daytona. You're in room 418. And it's stuck to a pack of fucking Lifesaver gummies. I have a photograph.

So, on the... What's that? Now I'm down to 12 cigarettes? And I still have to fucking write these 30 pages? Yeah, Tracy, you're out now. He's rationing. he's not gonna ask dave raider to go for cigarettes for me because he has to dress up and breaking bad fucking asthmat gear to leave his house but i that's the thing dave raider is as terrified as bingo or olivia or who knows who else. I don't even know if just Jen is panicked

or is to shut in now. But he'll still go out for you. He went out for bingo's meds, suited up. I mean, I think he's equipped to handle the situation. He's got a full respirator. He probably goes in with the gloves, like if you worked at the mess hall in the Navy, the big gloves they give you. I mean, he's-

Do you think he'd do a podcast if he was wearing all his gear? Now that we have video capability, it would be very funny. I could hand him the- We'd have to get him set up by going to the teller with the tubes. So I would send him- Oh shit, I gotta do that the tubes so i would i gotta do that that's right we they have a fucking drive-thru at the bank yeah yeah they let me in uh once i know when i got your vip they're they're fucking locked doors but they're inside and i went in and i just looked through the glass and they came out oh mr stanhope just a deposit okay thank you they have uh barbecue tongs taking your check i got a i got a royalty check and it was one of those like uh because you know

i get all these like 12 cent dollar 46 royalty checks from whatever fucking tosh 0.0 or the chris rock movie i was cut out of. I still get a fucking nickel here. And those we save to do eBay yard sale. But this one is 15 bucks. And this goes back to if someone bought that on an eBay yard sale, at some point they'd be tempted. Because I autograph it, but I autograph it where you sign it over

to someone on the back. It's funny. But 15 bucks. You endorse it. Yeah, 15 bucks for my fans. They might have spent fucking $90 on an eBay yard sale, but then times got tough,

and they're like, hmm, that's a pack of cigarettes right there. Yeah. Yeah, I think under $5. that's a pack of cigarettes right there yeah that's yeah i think i think of under five dollars when i save them for ebay yard sale which maybe it's time for me to start cataloging some stuff for the next ebay yard sale with my free time and uh have it ready to go. I have way too many fucking sport coats. My closet is a wreck. You'll see it when we do this bumble thing.

Don't. Tour the house. Tour the house. Just call it that. Gimbals. That's a piece of equipment. Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. I tidy up a lot. Yeah. I mean, you won't. The viewer won't find it tidy actually yeah my viewers will they don't have housekeeping we'll go through it first before any of that goes

down but yeah i don't know if that's one of those things where they can like uh deconstruct you know when you post a fucking picture on twitter and everyone's just like going through the minutia. Yeah. What's on the wall? Doing some fucking forensic fucking deconstruction of what do you have a Judy Blume book on your bookshelf? Is it fucking my brother's kid had it or whatever? Yeah. They just want to catch you and fucking something.

Yeah. So I already thought of that. What are they going to fuck with me about? I know. I'll definitely go through with a critical eye. Yeah. I mean, just the signs in the fun house alone. Keep the fun house a little vague.

Well, I mean, a lot of people this was decorated before you got here so you really it's like we moved into a tgi friday so you didn't change anything this is an airbnb that we've held down for a few years now not our decorations hey there's uh something interesting came up on Twitter regarding touring. And obviously, everything is postponed. You can stay on DougStanup.com. And when we get dates, you'll get dates. But everything right now, all the dates that have been postponed will be on there.

Yeah, the Plaza Hotel. Yeah, you're going to get your money back May 1st if you're going back for the grand relaunch that they say. The what? The grand relaunch that they say. The what? The grand relaunch of Las Vegas. Remember the fucking Plaza Hotel told me today that they're going to reopen on May 1st? I just said that. Did you say that? Yeah, when I called to find out the fucking- You didn't tell me that part.

Yeah. Oh, maybe I forget that part. Yeah. No, I said that. I said, so, yeah, maybe this whole thing's over. I said, are you even open and they go yeah well no we're not open we're reopening May 1st and then

I so that was kind of a news break like I felt like oh I just heard news so if you're open in May 1st that means maybe this thing's ending well we'll see sometimes Vegas doesn't get the odds right.

Rancid Jack asks, is... Such a fucking appropriate name. I love my fan base's fucking Rancid Jack. Shiteater 503. Wait, there's 502 other ones? No, that would be Portland. Stupid. Rancid jack uh regarding the uh swollen valet tour is it coming to cleveland last time the merch booth was closed you want to address that no no we've already been to cleveland on that tour

but meaning that tour meaning that material Meaning the merch booth being closed, I think the last two or three times we've been there. Nah. No, I don't. No, I think we always sold merch because I remember it. It was dismal. That's why we didn't do it last time. Last two times. No.

Really? Yeah. All right. Last one was Denal Rawlings. Darn. What's his name? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. They front loaded an urban show In front of your show So we weren't really gonna set up merch Yeah it looked like a fucking 1950's gang fight Was gonna start Between the fucking The I'm trying to remember

The Sharks and the Jets? West Side Story? No, I'm thinking about the Wanderers. The Pips and the Mau Mau's versus the Ducky Boys. Fucking if anyone got that reference, I fucking love you and I'll kiss you on the mouth. When the Ducky Boys come out of the fucking

woods on the football field. I just got goosebumps thinking about that scene where all the other gangs have to fucking get together to fight off the ducky boys. These fucking misshapen Irish headed fucking zombie fucks. The pips and the maus and the. Do that tonight. Watch. try to find the the the wanderers not the warriors different gang movie all together similar but this was 1950s

oh god now i'm trying to remember the the the baldies it was gross burger remember gross burger from uh stir crazy he was in it wait the movie stir crazy we just saw that didn't we no that was uh silver streak that was on all right yeah silver streak is that's a real fucking it was on blast from the past yeah all right i don't i i'm comfortable just sitting here talking but i don't know it's really weird because every day it's like let's just knock this out 15 20 minutes and uh out of what five or six podcasts only one or two

has been 30 minutes yeah i feel no compunction to be entertaining. That's probably a bad thing. Here's a podcast idea from Ryan Malahi. Quarantine call-in from James Inman. Oh, jeez. We could probably make that happen. We just try to call him? Well, if we did... No, no, no. Why? probably make that happen. We just try to call him. Well, if we did.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Why? I'd rather do it like Skype because he Skypes. Yeah, yeah. Olivia Grace called us sluts. Oh, Henry and Meatwig. I said they slept with me and she goes, you two sluts. Let's just let's just drunk dial him without being drunk.

We can do that, right? Oh, wait, he's not in this phone. Why would James Inman be in the fucking phone I used? Is that the one in the trash? The one he calls? You see neighbor Dave over there? We saw him the other day when we were at a lynch bomb. I don't know if you go out front or what you do with your day. We hear the neighbors next to him.

It must be so loud for him because he's writing stories. Those are the ones I was fucking listening to. Yeah. I'm like, is that? Because I kept trying to hear a familiar voice. It sounded like it was coming off your property. I can only hope that for neighbor Dave, it projects

more than it hits him. You know? Same. Yeah, thanks. I got so many plans for the future. Wait, future? No, I was kidding. No, I was just thinking about fucking bits that I can...

Oh, that's going to work so much better now. I kind of shelved that thing. But now, it's just... I mean, it's hard enough to work on anything. I'm used to, all right, right shit i have a special out now i need new material i already did this thing on the last tour and i gotta replace it quick now i have no deadline that was one of the things that makes me a little panicky about fucking news blackout is oh shit what if these rescheduled shows actually happen? Yeah.

Like, Hey, by the way, they have a cure. Everyone it's chem trails. It's in the air. Everyone's everyone has their, their booster shots.

We're all good. You, you're doing your San Francisco three nights sold out at Cobb tomorrow. Yeah. Oh shit! And I'm looking forward to the

immediate glut of every comedian set in the stalls of a fucking horse race. Every comedian is like just waiting for the fucking we're back in business gun. The horses are on the track. And here's

time. Here's Rudy. And every comic rushing stages to get all their fucking months of coronavirus bits out first. And it will be the immediate, like most immediate tired premise. The first one you hear are still talking

Trump for four fucking years but it's just gonna be this onslaught of all right okay something else me too you thought that was gonna be over in a minute now you're out yeah fucking four years everyone's gonna just be overloading

well that's interesting Jim on everyone's going to just be overloading. Well, that's interesting. Jim on hashtag news blackout has a suggestion. We make Doug watch and critique, criticize one of his own standup specials live on podcast, which you don't even listen to the podcast why would you watch yourself on uh i think someone does that don't they doesn't like ari shafir have a like a live show mystery science theater 3000 type do you know what i mean they do like a director's commentary of the thing where he

goes through a special i think it's ari that has a show like that but that sounds like something he'd do you would never do that. I wouldn't be against it. I just don't know that I'd be motivated to do it. A lot of this stuff, I just get mental blocks. Like when we were going to do Olivia or Andy today. Andy, I had a good excuse for no, but I get weird mental blocks about the technical aspects.

Like this is going to be a pain in the ass for you, even though I don't have to do it. I know it's fucking stupid that is so stupid because i still end up doing everything eventually i mean the whole secret behind the podcast was i started the uh uh near the wild podcast with becker and john norris because i had to do something to make it look like i knew what i was doing when i finally fucking pitched you the idea i'd been thinking about doing a podcast with you for a year before we ever did it well and the the key to this one is i don't see my face that's what chad and i were always worried about when you said i learned that yeah i don't want

to fucking see my head i mean the other day when I was bitching about that fucking Ronda Rousey documentary, I felt bad that I had to read my notes. Now they can see I'm reading notes. I just switched to the close-up camera. Shut it. Clam up. Feeling good. I hope you guys are feeling okay out there. I hope you're seeing the bright out there i hope you're seeing the bright side

i hope you're seeing an angle finding where's the benefit to this when the internet first came out and you're like wow i can gamble online i can get fucking xanax mailed from fucking Bulgaria or fucking Canada or something. Yeah. Wild, wild west. There's opportunities here, people. Find them. Look for them.

All right. How do I exploit this situation for my own best being? I mean, shouldn't you always live your life that way? Yeah, but this is like all of a sudden. Oh, now we're thrust into that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's good.

The same way we were thrust into the internet era and you go, oh, I can get away with some shit. Well, I mean, I didn't get all I love you, man, the other night, but when we were drunk and after we came back from – Licking doorknobs. Licking doorknobs. Staying one step ahead of the law uh it was a thing where i like we when i was on twitter people were saying making jokes about licking doorknobs i do it i do it yeah yeah it's not a no there's no stunt tongue there's no stand-in for doug's i remember after hedberg died shawcroft and i his wife talking about

all the comics that use heroin as the punchline but for him it was this setup like the shit we do yeah that's that's the premise not the punchline it's like this on acid i fucking hate that yeah bisbee it's like mayberry on acid anytime you use it's like blank on steroids it's like blank on acid fucking tired get rid of that hackneyed premise off your bisbee bumper stickers that's the new people that do that keep worn boring never been more boring than this. But my point was that we're lucky. This was baked in already. We're already doing this. I mean, I've been trying to find a way for us to do an episodic thing anyway.

And it turns out that you got time, I got time right now, which works out pretty good. Because we would have been doing other projects or doing the audible recording and things like that. So, I mean, we are lucky and I, I do appreciate that anyone who does put down for, for Patreon or just that listens, you know,

through a all things comedy channel, you know, I do appreciate that. So, uh, I do have a couple of suggestions for Carl Ryan. Uh, the one suggestion I said earlier,

the Inman, we're going to work on that. Carl Ryan says he's got a couple of suggestions. Drink of the day. You do have a new drink. Yeah. Brewing of the day. Yeah.

I told you I'm trying to get rid of milk before it expires. And I haven't eaten. So milk is baby food. Yeah. Basically. Well, for a cow, a calf. Fat free. Yeah.

Top five reading list. Are you reading anything right now i just told you yeah alex is a new book that's not finished or published and uh a book already started by john hodgman yes and or joel wait isn't joel hodgman the mystery science theater guy uh joel hodgson i do want to give a tip i told you about this but i have to put it i don't know if you want it it's a free tv called pluto tv and if you have roku or you have uh one of these uh if you have the fire stick swingers huh pluto so it's a big swingers club in vegas uh pluto tv it has like a whole channel that does mystery science three to three thousand uh they've adam's family the old adam's family fucking the good one uh and just tons of stuff all free tv

and it sometimes there's commercials in there other times it just runs straight through uh there's a channel that is just playing Bond movies from all the way back. Sorry. Once you said Pluto's and I said that, I was thinking, oh, here's a thing. If I was checking email, we could do, I dare you to jack off to this with porn clips that are really, really difficult to jack off to. And then you have to keep your eyes open, clockwork orange style.

You can try to think about something else, but you got to watch it. Spreaders. You know, Doug, I was out here last night, a little drunk and trying to edit the podcast. The only way to be out here. Well, and you came in and said you'd already jacked off three times to me

on the closed circuit TV. Yeah, that was easy, though. I'm talking about something difficult. I find you very attractive. I thought you said that was easy and it was an easy joke. No, no, it was an easy pull. Challenge yourself. Chaley challenge?

No, there's no challenge there that's i'm that's why i've been sitting for these video podcasts because my pajama pants sporting a small fucking knot tracy goes hey i'm going for my record or whatever you said you said something fucking disgusting i'm get the fuck out of here i got a shit to do and he and he said see how meat wig is laying on the counter why don't you take off that undershirt and unbutton like burt reynolds style and lay on the lay on the stage like meat wigs laying on the on the bar top and i'm gonna get the fuck out of here man stuff to do and then the whole time i'm like looking up at the camera going i just put tape over it i could just get up and put tape over that a lot of people are uncomfortable with the cameras over here

why it's good don't come here yeah are we on video everywhere probably yeah we're not we didn't invent it i was gonna tell a story but no that gives away fucking good part of the book uh oh i got a couple more questions top five movie lists for quarantine do you have anything that you would see that you don't do five but do you have a movie or well i've already i've been telling you everything that i've watched yeah for this entire thing uh is there something you were you're thinking of of uh going diving into my list is so fucking huge right now uh i don't know how much more stand-up comedy i can do but i mean there's a lot i want to like norton has one i don't think i've seen uh and then other people

i haven't heard of or don't know or have heard about. Still haven't watched The Samorelle. I was pretty drunk last night. Didn't want to start figuring out YouTube. It's a good one to actually be aware. Yeah. I would never watch stand-up drunk, but I know I don't, like, I was too drunk to even try to figure out the YouTube channel. Oh, I can get you set up.

Yeah, I mean, I'll do it sober when I and books. top five books. You know how long it takes me to read a fucking book? I'm going to do five in 30 days. Well, actually, I think I did five in Costa Rica in a week. Yeah, you did like six in Costa Rica, yeah. But I didn't have like laundry to do or a fucking guest house to clean or socks to alphabetize. And you got a guest coming, so we got to get or socks to alphabetize. All the other things.

And you got a guest coming, so we got to get the little house cleaned out. Okay. Here's a, I don't know, a dish or dessert of the day. You're not really a dessert person. No. So I think we should do a cooking thing where you show how to make one of your favorite three recipes you know how to make. Yeah, that would require you going to the store. No, no.

Dave Rader would go to the store. Oh, yeah. Well, I've been eating the Beyond Burgers. Those are good. Oh, I found a new one, though, that is a way better mouthfeel for the meat. You're not going to jump on that? That's good enough.

All right. Fucking Joby. God damn it. He cooked the shit out of those. Oh, yeah. That banana bread. Take that with you. No, I'm putting it in the fridge.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. A little welcome thing for our guest. Yeah. It's a fun house fruitcake. It's all bananas. Come on. Horrible.

Terrible. The last question from Carl Ryan is a regular Skype session with James Inman. And we'll never do anything regular with James Inman except bust his balls. Yeah. I would do a... God, is that how lonely I'm getting? What? That you want to talk to James?

That I want to immediately drunk dial James Inman sober? Yeah, I would love for it to be on video, though. I'll let you pick it. Are you going to throw a dart or am I going to just... No, man. Fuck the dart thing. Tracy, come on this side. That's too much work.

Come on this side of him. Yeah. Well, she doesn't know where she's shaving. What if she's going to shave on this? I don't know. Oh, you know what? You're right. I did the back yesterday.

No, no. Hold on. Hold on. Let me see. Doug, turn to your left. Wait. My left. Yes.

Okay. Now, yeah. Just keep spinning around so everyone can see what's going on. I can't spin that far. Yes, you can. You can spin that far. All right. Tracy, right there behind his left ear.

Give one. But go horizontal. Like that other one there? Yeah. There you go. Oh! Did I hook up with the other one at all? She crossed the T.

Did I? I just... First of all, Hennigan doesn't watch this fucking podcast. No one does. It's just me and you, Doug. Hey, fuck you, Olivia Grace. Olivia Grace read Alex's book to give him notes she doesn't read she won't read my book but she read alex's book so yeah i said uh maybe

he could send it to your pdf she goes i already read it read his book you don't read mine i'm gonna lick your whole house starting with the chimney i'm gonna lick your uvula and cough couldn't couldn't find a clitoris to save my life but i'll find your uvula yeah i just explained what i'm doing with my hair to Hennigan, and he grimaced audibly. All right. Hey, thank you guys for chiming in. Maybe tomorrow I'll do something exciting. If the wind would stop, I'd burn that fucking burn pile. I'm looking forward to that.

Yeah. That and running. That and figuring out how to run a drone in the wind oh yeah it's too much wind last time we did it uh charlie intern was here i got one for him and i got one myself and we it was fucking it was blowing the fucking thing sideways but we're like no we want to do it because we charge the batteries and we're like fuck and uh yeah i just opened it the other day to look at it to charge the batteries and we're like fuck and uh yeah i just opened it the other day to look at it to charge the batteries and everything and like one of the fucking propellers was like all bent

i'm like what the fuck did i just step on it what happened to this thing he ended up getting away from me and then the wind took it and i just shut it down and it just dropped straight to the ground charlie the intern i don't he must have put this address on something of his because he got a credit card offer in the man. No, you gave him a credit card. Oh, that's it. Yeah. Yeah, I took it back. But now you're going to get.

I thought after I'd torn it up and thrown it away that I should have maybe applied for that. I feel really good, people. Go out there and live your goddamn lives inside. Do what you do. Hashtag news blackout. Communicate with me through the powers that be that redact all of the important things that are not important whatsoever.

All right, let's go get a tan. Take us out of here, bingo. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. guitar solo Thank you.