The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#394: Doug Trips Into Vanity

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

Doug trips during a casual social distancing event and discovers that he is not that miserable after all.Recorded May 26th, 2020 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Tracey (@Egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new special, "The Dying of a Last Breed", is out now on Vimeo.com - https://vimeo.com/ondemand/thedyingofalastbreed. The AUDIO ONLY is available on Amazon at https://amzn.to/3d7MFjv .We think Patreon Subscriber Nanster N hits all the points in her review of Doug's new special -BEST EVER!!!! Thank you for allowing us to order The Dying Of A Last Breed. I just experienced the innocence of infancy, the fragility of childhood, the curious idiocracy of being a young-adult, the arbitrary ideologies of adulthood, and the glamorous adventures of getting old, all the while being haunted by my own smirking mortality. Who needs DMT when you have Doug Stanhope!!??? ~ Nanster N (Patreon Subscriber)We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/.  When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS - Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Tik Tok Kid doing Stanhope Material - https://twitter.com/danyellarenae/status/1264237142445678594Closing song, "What if Doug Stanhope was a composer and song writer?", Music by Kalles World Tour, performed by Kalle Mathiesen, Words by Doug Stanhope. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ymy_pkMOjTQPhoto Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast is it us it is good afternoon people thanks for tuning in uh this is a very special podcast because uh well i don't remember the last, I guess the last one was shady Dell. Shady Dell weeks ago. Yeah. It seems like, uh, after that whole 30 day thing,

doing it once a week feels like, Oh shit. We still do a podcast. It was, uh, it felt like I had, uh, 40 hours in a day.

Every single day. I had so much stuff to do after we did 30 days or 28 days or whatever. Yeah, you've been so busy. Listen, if I didn't feel bad for you, we would have done 18 podcasts on Sunday. Yeah. I had to force myself to stay away from the phone. I tripped. I tripped my balls off i haven't tripped hard in a long time because

i'm always afraid i got too much baggage and i'll fixate on something negative and no i got no baggage i went strong from two o'clock in the afternoon till eight o'clock in the morning so how about one more let's eat one more oh well and then we ate edibles late and cocktails and white russ Russians and fuck yeah. And I just, I'd wanted a podcast so bad, but I, why wouldn't you?

No drunk dials, no high dials, no Twitter. Let's just keep the fence. We had the fence open. So we'd venture out into the street, maybe a half a block, small block. I don't,

I mean, I don't know why you felt like you couldn't yell over the fence like you do every day. Cause you're always busy. Well, yeah. Oh, that was the day that you,

you were working on your new studio. So I thought I'm not hearing the usual saws and fucking jackhammers. I hear going on down there and yelling at Tracy and the things that say, I thought maybe you're finally taking a day off and I didn't want to bother you. And then I was paranoid that because, yeah, I've been bringing too many people around like they hate me because I bring people over in quarantine, but I stay away from them. Yeah. Kind of stay out on the patio? Yeah. We didn't even come in the funhouse.

There's a social distancing kind of protocol that you have. Yeah, I brought our booze out to the patio. Sure. Can you say who was over? Yeah, Kristen Becker and her gal pal Katie. And Mamu did come down, but she didn't stay for the trip in part. Her and her son Josh. Oh, he was here.

Yeah. He's a great kid. He's fucking funny. Was he the one that was at the place in Tucson where we did a podcast with Chad and Mamu when she talked about her I Discovered Dead Bodies podcast? Yeah, I think he was there. It was. He's the only son that you've ever met.

Oh, okay. Because she's got like two right in the basset hound a daughter and a son that fucking basset hound is fucking hilarious honey switchblade yeah it's like probably i don't know 75 pounds but it's like a like eight inches off the floor yeah uh like his ears tracy i don't have you you've seen him before like his ears Tracy I don't know have you seen him before he came and he's drinking

out of the Henry's water dish and his ears are floating while he yeah they're on the ground while he walks

and I looked at him and I said I know how it feels can you pierce a dog's ears I don't know we did a hidden they're way more vascular than ours bejeweled Can you pierce a dog's ears? I don't know. We did a hidden – No, they're way more vascular than ours.

They have a lot of – Never seen anyone like a crazy pet owner go, oh, he likes it. Veins going through them. He's a fan of tortoises. We did a hidden camera – that hidden camera show. One of the pranks I don't think it ever made the air was trying to get a baby pierced in odd places. Oh, not in the ears. Yeah, not in the ears.

Like, why do you do it to their ears? Why can't you do a tongue piercing? You can't do a – Well, a lot of like Christians – not Christians, Catholics, I know in LA, Mexican babies will be baptized and they'll already have their ears pierced. Oh, yeah. And that was when we were just doing eyeglass cam. Yeah. That was Beware of Doug on Fox, right?

Yeah, yeah. The late 90s. Yeah. So we'd always try to get whatever kind of prop that I could put in front of the eyeglass cam. So I don't even know where we'd get a fucking baby. I'd just float the baby and the screenshot is just staring why can't why can't we get his nipples pierced i like that show yeah that was funny i think it's uh if there's a if i can find it on youtube i'll

put a link up because uh you you were you by that. It was just a bad timing issue. Yeah, because when it came out, it was shelved for like three years. And then they brought it out after 9-11. We filmed it in the late 90s, and it was after 9-11 that it came out because I remember it was called Attack of the Hidden Cameras, and they had to change it to – Oh, yeah. They scrapped it because –

Yeah, attack. Was it after 9-11 is too triggering? They didn't even have the word triggering back then, but that's what they were saying. Who's that guy

that was on it with you? He was good. The guy with the glasses. Oh, fuck. Mark Norman? Is that his name? Shit. I was trying to give him credit. I you know his name jeff norman jeff norman yeah he was on a couple there's like hidden camera was there was like a small like group

of people that did like spy tv and he was on that i did an episode of that i think that was michael ian black that hosted that was spy tv was it like a like a alan funt canon camera show they're all they're all the same hidden camera shows and practical jokers are about the only original hidden camera show oh yeah the one that's on that yeah That has an angle. I think reality TV kind of really took all of that gusto that those shows had. They just go right to people being idiots on camera. You know, quote unquote unscripted, but it's all scripted to some degree. to some degree and and like you you were doing it in la because you could film people without consent or something or did you have to get consent oh no i think you did have to get no yeah you have to get releases that's why and i'm that's why i love the jokers they don't do

the reveals like most hidden camera shows at end, everyone comes out and they clap. Oh, camera over here. Camera right there. You were so good. But that's all to get them to sign the release quickly. Oh, you're a fucking star. But L.A., you'd find savvy people. No, you're going to have to pay me. You're going to have to talk to my agent.

I'm SAG. I hated filming anything in L.A. They would say they're sag so they – Try to get – For a fucking prank show? Yeah. You fucking go to Minnesota. Everyone's happy to be on TV.

LA, they're fucking cunts. I remember the one where you had people pretending you were in a wheelchair with – had no feeling in your legs. And you gave – Stabbed you in the leg for a while. wheelchair with no feeling in your legs and they gave you a dollar and then they took a steak knife and stabbed you in the leg and you really let people stab that. Yeah, we had really thick prosthetics and then I had one of those

steak forks, the two prong thing and a guy got through it and fucking left a mark and I'm like, alright, fuck this gag. I can't imagine. It's like especially in LA, a guy just just goes for your chest or something. Legs only, legs only. But the fact that someone would fucking actually think they're stabbing a fucking.

And not hold back. He went like he was going to try to chop your leg off. All right, I'll do it. I get it. That's a full buck. If that was my real leg, that's bone. You would have broke the fork. It's fucking amazing how things you go, no one's going to believe this, and everybody does.

This one's too fucking over the top. No one's going to buy this. Yes, they will. Every time. You were trying to mail a cat. Yeah. Oops, shit. Like a dead cat.

My girlfriend wants her cat back. Now she's getting it. It's like a cat form wrapped in aluminum foil. Going to fucking mailboxes, et cetera, trying to mail a dead cat to my ex-girlfriend. Doggy sex change. Yeah. Doggy sex change. No, that's for real.

I thought that was real. We did that in Alaska. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Doggy sex change. No, that's for real. I thought that was real. We did that in Alaska. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that fucking gut. Yeah. A lot of times we had the cops called on us a lot and I was watching his dog, but I ran it over in the driveway. So I found this dog that looks exactly like his dog, but this one's a male. So I need to get that operation. You can't do that to a dog. If you won't do it, I got a friend who's got tools. He fixed my carburetor, so I'm pretty sure he could handle this. You can't do that.

A lot of fun. Here's a glass to Richard Bain. Very funny comedian. Brendan Walsh's co-host on the World's Greatest Podcast. Is that the name of it? Hold on, I just had it. World's Greatest Podcast. Is that the name of it? I believe so. World. Hold on. I just had it. World Record Podcast.

Yeah. Yep. Another suicide. What? What? No. He committed suicide. What?

You didn't know that? No. We talked about it last night. I was pretty drunk last night. Yeah. You're the one who told me I didn't need bleach in this last night. Yeah. And then I came up today and you said, well, did you bleach it?

Well, I wanted to make sure that you didn't use the bleach because if you did, then I would throw my hair. I'm keeping this. I've got to have a name for it because it's not a mohawk. It just goes from my bald spot to my forehead. Forehawk? Forehawk. Forehawk. Yeah.

I guess forehawk will work. Yeah. I think I might keep it. I don't know. I like it. I like it. Now I feel like one of the group. You are. You. I think I might keep it. I don't know. I like it. I like it. Now I feel like one of the group. You are.

You look a little Travis Bickle with it. That's not bad. That's fine. Who's Travis Bickle? A taxi. Oh, taxi driver. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, taxi's the show. Sorry, on TV. Oh. Guy, I had to deal with the cops with this fucking hair. said i got a pocket full of bail money right now and i can't tell the story but it wasn't me it was a friend so but do you think that's a problem what this like talking to a cop with a no it's not a problem because they fucking called me and said hang up yeah we'll wait for you to come get your car rather than tow it. I'm like, alright. That's cool. It's a fucking cool

town. Yeah. And that was Troopers. Yeah. It's not even locals. I know. It was pretty cool. Yeah, I get it. I don't know how much you want to dance around this. No, I can't. I got nothing. But, yeah. Some people went to jail. I can't. I got nothing. But yeah, some people

went to jail. Some people went to mental institutions. Some people went to rehab in the last 24 hours. Not here. Not all local. You're talking about in the world? Yeah, friends. In the universe? Someone went to rehab

in the last 12 hours? That we know. Yes. Yeah, not friends in the universe yeah someone went to rehab in the last 12 hours that we know yes uh yeah not everyone's handling this as well as we are and it's not bingo don't worry bingo's fine she's recording a song over at her quiet house yeah i heard uh her talking to you about the – because I let her borrow the table from the store. And then I found out she's using it to record and those are the worst tables to set equipment on

because they transfer noise so well. But then I heard her talking – Throw a comforter over. Well, no. She was talking. She's aware of that already. Yeah, Shawnee's over there with her right now. So he's the sound guy.

But I've been talking to Bobby Caldwell. I don't know if you guys are listeners. If you follow at NotesFromThePen or go to NotesFromThePen.com, that's Bobby Caldwell. He's in a Michigan prison where he told me that they had the National Guard come in and test everyone for antibodies. And 90% of the prisoners have had that. 90? Yeah.

And he said that most of the prisoners, if they had symptoms, would hide them. Yeah. Because they put them in isolation. Yeah. Yeah. That's a whole different level of, I of really having a hard time with quarantine, walking around a fucking four by six foot cell. When I first heard that, it just does not make sense to me why you would make conditions worse for anyone who admitted that they had something that was going to infect 98 of the population yeah in the prison why that why the the punishment is that you're going to into the hole i doubt i doubt

they're putting him in the hole like it would be under normal sort of yeah it's not it's not a thing where they're like well yeah this is probably better for the for everyone it's like i got it now i'm gonna keep quiet and if you say anything'm going to slit your fucking throat because I don't want to go where they're taking these people. Wait, did someone say some of those people aren't coming back? He said they kind of get disappeared. The killing fields are

Cambodia. An Alabama prison or chain gang in the 50s. Yeah. Yeah, he's, yeah, so he had it. Yeah, I talk to him

like every couple days now. He's fucking cool as shit. How old is he? He's a great writer. I think he's 38. He's been in jail. He was, he was

fucked up on drugs and tried to kill himself and misfired on the way to his head and shot his fucking killed his wife that was standing a few stairs above him saying put down that gun and stop that

so yeah he's been in since 2013 I guess and he'll get out in 2025 he's a fucking great writer go to notes from the pen and does he get stuff on Twitter yeah yeah he stuff on Twitter? Yeah, yeah. He's on Twitter.

His mother runs his Twitter. Oh, okay. So she types it in? Like the clip that went out of my special. It's just a teaser clip, the making fun bit. But he goes, yeah, my mother sent me the clip. I go, how do you get clips? He goes, well, she writes them out.

Oh, God. He probably loses a little bit oh i don't know he's a pretty creative dude yeah and he knows your voice telling him the but she's just transcribing it yeah she's not doing the act okay that's what i was understanding yeah i think i think he did uh a little bit of stand-up early on in his life uh and he says he's thinking about doing it in the in prison they move him around as he's in michigan michigan's so fucked i love michigan i love playing there but it's just so fucked up and fucking i don't know why i didn't even follow up on the fucking flooding

and the dams bursting oh the miss. Yeah, the overflow of that one. You're fucking building a wall, but you're not building fucking bridges and dams. You feel good about that, you fucking idiots? Go stomp on the Capitol again and go, how about no wall, more fucking dams?

My house is underwater and I can't work. You saw the footage, right? Of it breaching and it just slowly just – and you're like, who would ever live downstream from a fucking dam and get a good night's sleep? I mean really. I mean I just installed a hammock and Tracy and I were sitting in a hammock because I always think I'm going to end up on the ground with the wind knocked out of me or something. But it's like – that's like a dam. It's always – it's just there like a sort of damocles over you like when is this thing going to fucking fail? Don't worry.

The Army Corps of Engineers built this in 1958. The New Deal. Yeah. We didn't really need a dam, but FDR. Can you believe it? Not one professional dam builder built this. Everyone who was unemployed came in. The whole town was unemployed.

It still smells like soup from the kitchen. When I was fucking tripping after I left the ladies. Hello, bingo I went down and fucking was in Valentina's hammock she's like oh you're tripping still look at the stars and there's three shooting stars I'm like I'm sleeping out here and then I got cold

yeah that's one thing about tripping is I get fucking temperature sensitive. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't want to get cold at all. Come on in, Bingy. We're about time to take a break so I can get another drink. All right.

I'm feeling good after that, Trace. That was a good one. I need to get back up on step here. I feel pretty strong. Not necessarily funny, but fuck you. I'll be back. I got shit to talk about. Bye.

Please hold. TheShadyDell.com That is where you stay if you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me

you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at the Shady Dell dot com vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there. Come to the Shadydell.com. Sponsored by. I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. Quickly about the special. It's still not on fucking Amazon and iTunes.

It is. This is the first time I've said this. Which is important. Because even before it came out on Vimeo, the audio CD version came up on Amazon and iTunes. But I haven't mentioned it because I want you to see the fucking video. But it is for sale on Amazon even before Vimeo. Well, some people like to listen to things on the way to work. Some people are working. But I didn't want to promote it. I'm saying it now because randomly it's been at number one almost solidly for a week

without us ever telling you that. And that's fucking cool. That's people getting on the mailing list too because there was a there was a big push on that yeah but not on amazon no i'm just saying it's been number one on amazon uh and fucking hennigan he just keeps getting this sorry we're experiencing delays so i don't know what the fuck is going on with amazon or if you can even contact them amazon is busy as fuck right now. Not to mention, I have talked to Hennegan about this.

Everyone on that side of the production and putting everything out, they're running on their own time schedules. There's really – it really put a monkey wrench in the works all over for anything to come out. I mean you've got usually a team of people working on certain aspects of every production i know and people you're asking me questions yeah i don't know like i had to get someone to set up louis ck's special because it was not i have a netflix button and i figured out how to use youtube tv so i'm pretty strong i know how to do two things but when you go i have a roku app for vimeo but like i don't know what a roku is i don't know if it's is that a machine i don't i see you start to explain it i shut myself down so thank you

so yeah eventually it'll come out on the easy button you have for Amazon. I just don't know when. Well, it's not like we're trying to hold it back. Yeah. Everything's ready to go. It's just something on that end hasn't clicked. If you want audio only, you're going to miss all my fucking slapstick facial expressions and pratfalls. That was Plaza, man.

That was a year ago. I know. It came out right on time. Looks current. Memorial Day weekend. Sold out. You were saying it last week. It's like, wow, it's coming out on Memorial Day weekend or around that time.

People are going to think we just did this and I didn't do one COVID joke. All right, so what were we just talking about? Tripping. I was going to get back into something. What did you just say? Are you going to talk about that? No. She came in.

Right before this, I said, but I wanted to talk about the special first. Now I don't know what the fuck I was going to say. Oh, wow. Where's your notes? Do you have any notes? I had two notes. That's all I have. Nothing. We're going to go back into quarantine. Kind of starting today.

What do you mean? We're going to do another 14 days. Because it's convenient. Yeah. I like quarantine. When I did the first 14-day quarantine, starting March 20th, I was getting a lot of shit done. And then, all right, we'll have some people over from a distance. And Mishka played here. Then we went down, walked down to the party.

Mike Montoya had a fucking block party. People weren't really social distancing there. You don't even remember being there. i didn't remember who i talked to i said uh you were sitting back to our mikey's i guess did you uh did you go over to that party last night across from your house he goes yeah we talked for a long time i was pretty fucked up i think i was laying down with some strange dog or something you were sitting on the the edge of the bridge that goes from one side of black dove to the other to hear that you don't really remember talking to people and you're sitting on a 10-foot drop. I do remember I had Floyd, the antiques guy.

You know Floyd. We had the going away party for his asshole when he had colon cancer. That was a fun podcast. He gave us this like 1920s cheerleader bullhorn that you just shout through megaphone so yeah i remember heckling the band with my megaphone and then i then i thought maybe i'm being a dick maybe i'm not funny and everyone hates me and then they started singing a song about someone who's a dick and i go oh they're playing this for you. And I laughed sheepishly.

But yeah, I think another quarantine is a good idea. Say no, no coming over. I'm getting shit done. Just don't know what I'm getting done. We're supposed to be recording the new book. Did we tell them the title yet? No. Are you sure sure i'm not sure to my recollection we have it no i think you were going to and you decided not to because we're just gonna wait all right hey let me quickly do something you said where you got it

from they're in front of me so i'll do them uh annette she's from portland and she keeps sending us like weird cool cards and stuff. I don't know if she sent anything else. Some guy from Maine. Is this the guy, David? Yeah, I saw you out front of my house, David, because I saw the Maine license plate and a running car. And I thought, forever. It's sitting out there forever.

And I walked out. I was walking down to Valentina's, and their car is running so i'm looking yeah so they must have seen me but he said uh he left a bottle of papa vodka handle and some grapefruit juice said uh i was tempted to hop the gate i did not want to risk being chokeslammed by chad sh. We enjoy this bottle of premium spirits. Looking forward to seeing you at the Wilbur Theater. Yeah, I was out there. It was daytime. I was looking in the back of your car like, hello.

And then when you didn't come out, I assumed you must be seeing the other neighbors. I mean, there are other neighbors that get visitors. That is a very common trait that we can see on the cameras is that when someone comes in and they eventually – if they end up coming into the funhouse or something like that, we've been watching you since the first four times you pulled up, parked, looked around like you were looking at a piece of paper to match an address and then you drove away and then you came back down the opposite way and then you paused drove slow by the mailbox i mean that's another common thing or someone said yeah i kind of picture i didn't know this was such a dense neighborhood it's a small neighborhood but yeah it's pretty fucking dense it's a neighborhood yeah there's it's 40 foot lots that's that's what you just happen to have four lots. Yeah. So there's only three streets we care about.

Yeah. Like, that all sync up. But yeah, it's pretty fucking tiny. You know, last night when we were in the hammock, it was dark out, and there was – At night? Yeah. See? Coronavirus didn't fuck up everything.

So we're sitting there and there's this uplighting on the trees and stuff. It looked really fucking beautiful. We're just sitting there

and I'm going, man, this is this is nice. And I realized, you know, ever since Ichabod died,

there's a lot less barking in this neighborhood. But now we're fucking all these kids home. Well, yeah. Screaming kids today. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That went on forever.

I couldn't tell if he were playing or if he's a fucking asshole. But, yeah, and you want to yell, shut the fuck up, but they'll hear you. No, they'll hear you like you're yelling in their ear. Yeah. Yeah, but I think that the caller. They'll hear you. No, they'll hear you like you're yelling in their ear. Yeah, but I think that the caller... But they'll think it's their neighbor next door. Because Bingo thought when she heard those fucking kids screaming the other day, she goes,

Do the Chalys have kids? Are they adopting again? It sounds like... Trial. ...from inside the house. Just y'all shut the fuck up and watch the hatfields and mccoy's start where they think that was their neighbor next door that's screaming at their child i used to do that with the cb radio when i when i lived out of my car i had a cb radio because it's way better than a

radar detector to ask fucking truckers if there's cops down in front of you. And it's fun to fuck with them. So, Joel, hold on a second. You will tell, you will, like, identify that you're at mile marker six, and you want to know if any... How about your southbound parking lot? How's it looking over your shoulder? Well, you got a smokey at the fucking... That's what you're saying? You're looking over your shoulder?

Yeah. So, here's the scene is you got the fucking you know uh uh whatever truck passing real slow in the fast lane in front of another truck yeah and then you go and then when he pulls in you act like you're the other trucker he just passed and go yeah why don't you cut it a little closer next time they're fucking parking lot you almost ran me off the motherfucking road you piece of shit like and get those two yeah wait what's parking lot it's uh the car carrier oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was back in those days. I'm trying to remember the one my mother drove for.

They're out of Shakopee, Minnesota. Your mom had. Dark transit. Your mom had a license. She could drive fucking big rigs, right? Yeah, yeah, she did. But once. For how long?

For a while. She did, but once – For how long? For a while, but I realized she was just – they let her drive on straightaways. Yeah. Because when I drove her – Across Texas? When I drove her from fucking Atlanta. I do the West Texas to East Texas, and I do East Montana to West Montana.

Yeah, she ain't backing that up to a fucking loading dock. Because when i drove her from florida to la yeah when she's moving around yeah yeah i know you hauled carrying towing her car i don't know how to fucking back that shit up just getting into a hotel parking lot off the interstate out getting out getting out yeah i'm like well you did this for a living i can't do it ask that guy you motherfucker you don't you you never drove a fucking you didn't do anything how did you get a fucking license to drive a wait a minute someone who doesn't know how to back up the vehicle that they're screaming down the highway at 75 miles an hour with a fucking 45 foot load it's this is a excuse me can you help me back up yeah i did i had to ask a fucking truck driver and a fucking what did she do when she got to the

to the destination well i don't think she ever drove alone i think it was always boyfriends oh she had a lot of trucker boyfriends but it's's a, it's a, because Bingo was just bringing this up. That old, when she was manic and fucking stole all those street signs. When Bingo was. Yeah. Like, you know how to use a wrench? It's one of those things where if you want to do it, you know how to do it. But if you don't, ask that guy to do it for you.

We could do a lot of shit that we hire a handyman to do if we had to or if we wanted to. But my mother was, oh, I can't, I'm always tired, and my lungs, and... Oh, but I brought her on that cruise ship. She could stay awake for fucking 28 hours at a slot machine.

She had all the energy in the world then fucking cunt i can't imagine like the yard letting her back on property like they would look they would begrudgingly fucking get one guy who's on his break to fucking back up the rig they'd unload the truck while the fucking foreman or the guy manager was calling the company going, never again. Yeah, she hauled fucking nuclear fucking warheads. Jesus. See, that's what I mean, man. God damn. Somewhere around here in New Mexico or something.

I remember I was in junior high school and got the postcard. We're hauling fucking nuclear warheads between air force bases i don't think you're supposed to say that and on a postcard to total zero privacy she might as well have had a flag flying from the smokestack exhaust all right david thank you for that. Thanks for making fun. Loved the new special. Bought it on Vimeo, but would love a DVD when they become available.

Hope to see you in Boston, maybe Ireland this year. Robert. I don't know what he sent. I'm not keeping good track. A few people sent me books. Someone sent me this weird book. It's American Green, The Obsessive Quest for the Perfect Lawn. It's about dudes who, well, they're obsessive in their quest for a perfect lawn.

I'd flip through that. He sent that to a guy in the desert. Yeah. Irony's funny. Someone sent me Jerry Seinfeld's sign language. But I did enjoy, I think I've said it, fucking Jerry Seinfeld's special. I loved it. Was it 23 hours or something?

Yeah, 23 hours to kill. Hang on, there's a note. It's just from Amazon. Thanks Doug and the gang, for the new special and for being you in general. I appreciate all of your hard work. We've unmemorably met in DeKalb and Madison.

Mishka crashed with me for a show in Madison. Kyle Wallace. Thank you, Kyle. That's the Jerry Seinfeld book. Yeah, and there's another Annette. Annette, she just sends weird shit. She's got good handwriting. Is she boiling? Yeah.

Will you thank her for my shirt? Oh, yeah. Annette, thank you. Bingo wore your shirt. I forget what it said. We didn't get it. It was something freedom. It was very cool. Look at this guy's handwriting. Oh, wow. Brandon. It was very cool. Look at this guy's handwriting. Oh, wow.

Brandon. That is old honey. Yeah. Wow. Look at that fucking perfect. That's cursive. And almost calligraphy. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Is it true that the kids can't read cursive nowadays? Yeah, they don't teach it anymore. They don't teach it? That's what I heard. I don't know can't read cursive nowadays? Yeah, they don't teach it anymore. They don't teach it? That's what I heard. I don't know how to write cursive. Really? I couldn't spell my own name in cursive.

Oh, my God. I was a champ in the fifth grade. Yeah, and I started printing later in school before I stopped. I've seen your signature. I know you don't know cursive. Don't know it at all. You know horizontal lines and how to make a D. No, you don't know cursive.

Don't know it at all. You know horizontal lines and how to make a D. Yeah, but this guy, his cursive is so fucking perfect. Yeah, I do. But then he spelled waste. I don't want to waste your time. W-A-I-S-T-E. That's not even any kind of waste. That's a new word.

Yeah. Combination, yeah. That writing is so – it reminds me of my grandmother. My grandmother had like the fucking perfect like flowery – like she was – like wrote the Declaration of Independence. Everything was like Fs and Ss. Like everything was very flowery and everything like that. But like to look at it, you're like, it just makes my hand cramp looking at it because like how do you get in and like take the time to write one word i'd be finished with the note when when i

uh when i was writing digging up mother i had to go through all these old letters from my grandmother to my mother when my mother was a teenager and it was like dead sea scrolls yeah can someone translate this for me no it used to be english i found a journal from the last time we did a book the the reading, the audible about a journal that had just written three entries. And one of them was the second entry was the second day of recording. And how you were getting surly. And I was like so hungover because after that first night with Bruce, we got fucking shit-faced. The next day I was so hungover.

I wrote down, I was just trying not to fall asleep while manning the recorder and at one point you fucking i like like open eye snored and you stopped the take and and i totally denied it but i had totally i had nodded off with my eyes wide open like gay cousinousin Eric used to do. And I totally denied it. And then later on that – because I was so hungover. We didn't have AC in here. It was fucking so hot and we'd have to turn the AC off and you'd be smoking. And then we'd go and the only reason we would stop is because it was so smoky and hot. We had to stop.

And that's what took so long to get through it. We had to stop and that's what took so long to get through it. But then at the end of that night, I think that night you got really shit-faced and then you were really pissed off at me and Bruce thinking we were letting you slide on a bunch of stuff. Like we were letting you do takes. It was like, yeah, it's fine. That's fine. We'd go on to the next one and then you were like so fucking surly about it. And then the next day you denied even having that argument. i'm reading that going like how do we get a book done

well yeah this one i have i know i know it's audible so i wrote it yeah and i've read it out loud looking for the fuck ups and the flaws so So this is audible first. You've read that at least four times. I think all the way through that I know of. You've sat and read like big chunks of it. And then gone back and written more. And then read like the whole thing through. Start to finish. Yeah.

I really want to get that out. Before the pandemic is over. Because it's fucking good. It's close. We're almost there. Oh I thought you meant close to good no no we're almost ready to record we're just they're just tying up the loose ends yeah well i i did the lawyer notes which the last two books oh my god just a few things and is this person still alive probably not it was 1985 and they were a random you know well can you change their name can can you not call your stepsister a cunt without

like just these small tiny little details like a little texture for the story. This one was not. Will Chad and Joby mind if you call them partiers? Will Tracy and Chaley mind if you say they did Coke with you? What? What? Can we capitalize the C on Coke to make it? Or a K?

K-O-K-E? Can you say Pepsi instead of Coke? Rails of Pepsi. Or a K. K-O-K-E. Can you say Pepsi instead of Coke? Rails of Pepsi. R-C. R-C-Cola. Yeah, that's what we should call Bisbee Blow. R-C-Cola.

Fucking Erickson used to have a great bit about RC. Oh, yeah. RC Cola. Jesus, that is forever ago. I know. That's one of the first runs. We're getting so old and my skin is starting to match me. I'm so proud of my Corona tan.

And it's just making me... When you were on mushrooms, you were just in love with your skin. That was the thing. I was always worried about fucking mushrooms and fixating on negative shit. And I was looking in mirrors and telling everyone how goddamn beautiful I am.

You were looking in a mirror? Yeah, I was loving mirrors. Wait, where did you get a mirror? You don't have any in your house. So at yourself oh well when i uh when i went down to valentina's fucking morgan murphy has the whole mirror behind the bar okay yeah i might have not been wearing my glasses i'm not wearing them right now and i'm just so used to everything being blurry when my contacts are fucked up that I forget. Oh, I don't have them in. So you still haven't put your contacts in since you got the wonky eyes?

No, I think I'm ready to. I think this fucking Chalazian fucking burst the other night. Oh, Jesus. Too much mushroom. It's your fun meter. Yeah, I feel fucking pretty good. It's your fun meter. Yeah, I feel fucking pretty good.

You know, after the 28 days blackout, it was a little bit of time where I was drinking a lot and just doing the podcast. We got a little caught up. We did the Patreon, doing them with Issues with Andy. And now I'm starting – it's been – well, fuck. It's the end of May. We're going into the third month. It's the end of May. We're going into the third book. It's the end of May and I'm just starting to work around the house and doing stuff that I've been wanting to do.

These are the things I've been wanting to do every time we're on tour near the end of the tour and I'm like looking for like, oh, I can organize the downstairs. Oh, I can do this. And like now I'm starting to do that stuff. So hang the hammock that was a big cross off the list yeah i pulled all the shit out of the crawl space mostly luggage so i had the fucking maid the organizer uh yeah you can throw that stuff back in the crawl space and uh i go don't worry. There's no creepy crawlies down there.

It's cool. Uh-oh. You just hear the word creepy, like crawl space, and you think, oh. Yeah. Dead bodies. Ah! Scorpion. Yeah.

Chaser. So, yeah, we murdered a scorpion today. So I said, yeah, next grocery store run for you, bug bombs for the crawl space. Does that get scorpions? Well, it was in one of the bags I pulled out. So I don't know if it – because they've been sitting out there for – I've seen two of the biggest scorpions this season, one of them last night, that I've ever seen here. And one of them was in our crawl space no this was on the

on the patio down in front of the store we've got a uh i put a bunch of leaves that i cut down for the mulberry tree and i let them sit there for a couple days i was going to put them in the composter and i'm picking them up and just like shucking off the leaves and throwing the branches in a can and there is a fucking scorpion there. I've moved through the entire pile and this thing is still just sitting there like, I don't give a fuck. And I look at it and I'm putting my hand down when I realized what it is. That was a big one. And the same size was in our kitchen sink at the bottom.

Well, I was – it was like that big. The body was that big, right? An inch and a half, two inches, right? Like pulled out. So this – I had put my hand down and like filled up the sink. It was in there and I went and pulled the drain and it was in the drain that I was holding in my hand. I realized what it was. I went, fuck.

Yeah. And those are the two of the biggest. Huh? Yeah, tofu crumbles. Yeah. I put him in a little cage and put him outside to see if he was okay. Because he wouldn't move at that point. He's not scared.

But the whole time he was in the cage, I was like, he's dead now. He hasn't moved at all for like three hours. And so I dumped him out on the other side of the wall. And he just went bye and straight off. I'm like, fuck her. Well, you don't kill her. I don't. God damn it, Tracy.

We have a spider living in our house. Always. Every summer. By the fucking couch where I sleep sometimes. And you sleep too, Tracy. And I go, just get rid of it. She goes, I don't know how to get rid of it. I go, I know how to get rid of it.

Fucking spray. There's things you can do. There's things I'm going to do if you don't get rid of it. She goes, I don't know how to get rid of it. I go, I know how to get rid of it. Fucking spray. Or there's things you can do. There's things I'm going to do if you don't get rid of it. It's still fucking there. It's just a funnel web spider. But we've seen them walk across the floor. I've let spiders live in the house. These guys kill black flies.

That's great. Yeah. We also own screens. One a month. How many black flies are there? A fucking billion screens one a month how many black flies are there a fucking billion one a month I appreciate that kind of work if there was like

if a spider's web looked like the fly strip at a shitty diner in fucking La Crosse Wisconsin we'd all have pet spiders but they get maybe one know, maybe one. There's been two scorpions in the house. I haven't seen one fly this year.

We've had flies in the house. No. Definitely. Yeah, we've had flies in the house. Those little ones are back. Tracy and I just... The little ones that get on the outside of the white cars. Oh.

Little tiny ones. Little nat. Yeah, you have the white cars. There's so many of them. Fuck. This is so off topic, but there's an extra sun visor thing that was in the Mazda. Is there a car that needs one? Yes.

All right. I was going to chuck it over the fence to you, but I couldn't get your attention. Are you going to get rid of my better car? You know why I couldn't get your attention? Why? Because I heard you listening to issues with Andy inside your house. It's true. All the time.

You do it, you edit it, and then you listen to it. I don't edit. A guy named Todd does it. Whatever you do. I listened to the last episode. Why don't you learn how to hate your own voice like everybody else? Because I actually really try to listen on that one. And Andy dropped acid an hour before the podcast.

He was tripping balls the whole fucking time. And he was shooting a crossbow on the deck. Is that the one who said you were going to send me and never did? No. You said, I'm going to send you this Dropbox, some, some episode that you go,

Oh, you got to hear this. And you never did. And I really wanted to hear it. Which one was it? I don't know. How long ago was it? In the last several days.

Oh, are you not a Patreon member for issues with Andy? I don't know. How long ago was it? In the last several days. Oh, are you not a Patreon member for Issues with Andy? I don't know how to do that. It doesn't sync up with my Roku app. It wouldn't be right for me to just send you something. No idea. Oh, this is... We have a... Let's not do this.

It's early. But we have moonshine. I'm not drinking that. Our plumber gave us moonshine. Plumber? Yeah. Oh. What?

I'm not going to say his name. Okay. I'd be proud if I did. But yeah, the plumber fixed all this shit over at the quiet house. I assume his name is not Carlo Rossi, like it says on the label. No, no. I think that's a winery person. It is. It's a winery person. It is.

It's a really bad wine. So, yeah. And it's only like a fucking inch deep in a giant handle of a wine bottle. He goes, oh, this will get you fucked up three different times. We bottle it with the potency, but not with the volume. But it won't knock you out. It's like an upper. So don't drink too much.

Have you tried a bingo? No, but... I'm a little afraid. I'm not doing it. It's fucking early. The sun's still out. Smell it, bingo. I don't want to get fucked up.

It smells terrible. I smell it. I thought it was like someone made some cleaning fluid or something. He had a name for it in Spanish as though I'd recognize it. It's not mezcal. Let me try it. He's like, oh, I got you the fucking whatever. Pulque?

No, no, it had a lot of syllables. Oh, wow, it smells like tequila, though. Yeah, it does. It does. Yeah, that's not a tequila. That's what I thought it was when I smelled it Man that is crystal clear I like tequila that tastes like nothing

Silver Patron silver is definitely the one Yeah Unless you ask Shawnee No that's not shit you gotta get this stuff I think the stuff at the store Doesn't make me puke But who's an expert

on what I like? Me. Yeah. Right? Racia? No. Not enough syllables, Tracy. It's a different plumber than who we normally use because I have the other plumber in my phone.

Did everything work out over there at Hazard? Yes, that's it. Bacanora. Bacanora. Bacanora. Bacanora? B-A-G? Bacanora, like cow, Baca? Or B-C?

Bacanora. B-A-C-A. Oh, wow. Bacanora. And it's fermented agave. That's why it smells like tea. Yeah. Okay.

There you go. He worked it out to where the city paid for nearly everything, thousands and thousands of dollars. And we just had to pay for something. Probably shouldn't mention that on the... Okay, why don't you... No, no, it was the city's fault. He didn't...

Yeah. Like, he worked out that it's the city's fault. He wasn't cheating the system. No, no. Yeah, so... Well, usually there's a line of demarcation where the city pays for everything on this side, and you pay for everything on that side. Yeah, and then, like, the neighbor behind the quiet house,

his shit was going through our sewer and I had to put a baffle in. There were three houses on one line. Wow. Bisbee's so fucked up. When they were looking for a new city manager, I almost tweeted it. I could probably get a better one out of my fan base than you keep coming up with these fucking humps.

Jesus Christ, man. Say, are we going to go all in with the Ken Budge? Ken Budge, yeah. I was going to get a banner to put across the funhouse. Yeah, yeah. Well, we have one sign up. We have the one sign. I'm going to get them over here.

I walked out. I go, Tracy, what's that guy doing out front? Oh, sorry. I was just stirring it. But yeah, I'll have another drink. I thought you were shaking. No, sorry. I don't think I've eaten today.

But I did get a whole hoard of groceries right now. So I get something to eat. So I go, there's someone slowing down and looking at the haunted house. They're looking at the facade. Oh, that's what I was going to tell you. Hang on. Save that. But one of the times Valentina had friends down from Tucson, we were walking our dogs together.

And we did the loop in front of your place. And she goes, oh, that's a cute little house. I go, that's a facade. There's no house. She said, what? I'm like, look. There's no house. It said, what? I'm like, look, there's no house. It's a haunted house. And then I had to explain the whole haunted house. We've had people leave

flyers in the door. Awesome. But I matched the roof tiles, the asphalt, to the same color as the shop. So it looks like the shop is the second story behind it.

But someone was slowing down. What the shop is the second story behind it. That's fucking great. But someone was slowing down. What the fuck is going on? What's this guy doing? Now I'm just paranoid. Like someone's going to go, oh, you got a lot of brushing. You got to weed eat your yard or something like that, right? Because it needs it.

Because it needs it. And I go up there. I go, hey, can I help you? And he goes, oh, just take a picture of the sign. I appreciate this, like, on the funhouse. The Ken Budge sign. It's the closest thing to a billboard in Warren is Ken Budge for mayor on the top of the funhouse. So, yeah, we'll get a big banner up there.

The story, and I don't remember it because inherently in the story, I wouldn't. But Ken Budge did one of our open mics at a party here once. Yeah. That, I think, was just him. Just him? I think it was. No, I think we had. There was other things going.

I'm sure Kenny rapped at some point. I think it was a thing where people were going up. Not a lot. Yeah, I have no recollection. But we'll make him do it again. How about he just admit he did it? He doesn't have to go up again. So, yeah, Ken Budge for mayor.

We can get him on. Yeah, I'd love to have him on. The big car fuffle now is them doing a debate, him and the incumbent, David Smith. But Ken is interesting. I read it in the Bisbee Observer, so I don't really understand the whole thing. The letter to the editor about the debate? Something about the debate about how Ken Budge doesn't want to spend over $500, which I think is interesting because I would like to see what his stance is on that.

I couldn't understand it from the letter. Yeah, I read that. To like only – because he – a guy who's running like a low-budget campaign, his signs are fucking way better than David Smith. David Smith, it might as well be in crayon. It just doesn't look good. And cans are fucking great, man. Red, white, and blue. And they fucking stand out.

A lot of contrast. Terrible colors. But that's what you do. David Smith. Remember, if you're old enough to remember, listener, when generic was just black and white. Slim price. Slim price. Generic.

I want to find those on eBay. It's old beer cans that were generic beer, and it just was a white can with fucking black lettering that said beer. I think it was blue and white. In California, they had Slim Price, and it was like a white can of beer that said beer in blue and there was a blue stripe around it. That was it. Was it Repo Man? Where Emilio Estevez pulls out a can that just says food on it.

He starts eating it out of the fridge. That sounds about right. I was going to say, I thought it was The Dark Backward. Adam Rifkinkin by the way fucking texted me about the special didn't he come out to the comedy store he came to the comedy store yeah he directed the dark backward one of the fucking most legendary weird darkest movies ever you wouldn't like it the queens we use will not excite you but uh yeah that was cool a lot of good feedback

thank you very much i need good feedback from that special i got some uh patreon and email questions if you're into it i'm into it okay dog food uh despite the 30 30 day blackout being over Do you think you're going to continue Actively avoiding the topic of the vid On the podcast Personally I appreciate the mostly vid free zone Of the Doug Stano podcast So I'm just interested to know your thoughts on that

Yeah I've not Like I click on Newser which is the Pokiest fucking site. It's terrible. It's an aggregate, a news aggregate. Yeah, and so you can click on the story. Their slogan is read less, know more.

Well, it's still fucking clickbait most of the time. This state just fucking banned, well, just put the fucking. No, I'm reading more. You could put Nebraska. And I would read less than this state. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking.

So, yeah, I'm not watching news. I watch the KGUN 9 morning news. April Madison. When I wake up with April Madison at April Madison. Send her my love. Someone try to see if Jeff Beamish is still up there. He moved to the Bay Area. Tom, in this time of coronavirus, I really want to reach out and apologize for... Oh, man defense?

Yeah. uh oh man defense yeah yeah maybe if jeff beamish and i could come together and show unity maybe then got into a better market yeah come on i know the bay area already the his entire channel kvoa they all blocked me because of our sky candy prank and i not yours killer termites yeah the killer termites but i want to i want to like i don't want to die of the coronavirus thinking jeff beamish a fantastic light bulb headed local weatherman still hates me and maybe if we can reach across the aisle and become uh end this bipartisanship maybe the country can all start wearing masks fucking heart i'm not wearing a mask this is america yeah okay is it that difficult to put on a fucking mask i mean i uh who cares you see tate so fucking bird cloud she's like uh it's a she's she's a virus denier yeah but so what so what if it's a fake put on a mask hey now you don't have

to brush your teeth put on a mask oh that's the worst even when i brush my teeth it fucking fogs up my glasses yeah you know i got these uh the mask i got looks uh very uh dystopian military black like a meshed neoprene everything and i was uh went online to look at they've been sold out forever i bought it for woodworking so i'm using it and how do you wash this thing, right? And they told me about like the vents that pour out your breath point down because my glasses never fog. And I never knew why. I'm like, these chumps with their foggy glasses. These motherfuckers don't know.

They don't know what it's like. Stink doesn't make fog. That's true. It's humidity and the temperature. I must have bad breath. No, no, you just have hot breath because that's the temperature of breath. I never appreciated the construction of my RZ mask until the COVID when I had to figure out how to clean it because it was just woodwork and I just never would clean it. She's got the vid hey that question was from ewan e-w-a-n ewan ewan ewan like mcgregor nanster n from hawaii we met her at the

at the show at the uh in hawaii yeah at the at the place was it played the blue hawaii the blue The Blue Hawaii? The Blue... Blue Tropics? Note? Blue Note. Blue Note. Yeah. And I'm only reading this because I think it's a really good explanation about Dying of a Lost Breed. Best ever. Thank you for allowing us to order the Dying of a Lost Breed. of infancy, the fragility of childhood, the curious idiocracy of being a young adult,

the arbitrary ideologies of adulthood, and the glamorous adventures of getting old, all the while being haunted by my own smirking mortality. Who needs DMT when you have Doug Stanhope? I love that. I hope you put that on

fucking Amazon. I said we're going to use that to promote the fucking... Yeah, put that on Amazon. Now that I'm hope you put that on fucking Amazon. I said we're going to use that to promote the fucking. Yeah, put that on Amazon. Now that I'm telling you that Amazon, the audio is on Amazon. Review it. Yeah, great. Dan Schlissel. What a fucking geek gag.

He's trying to, he's like, oh, maybe we can, my artist, whatever. Maybe we can knock Doug Stanhope out of the number one spot. I'm like, come on, stop with the fucking table. He's baiting you. I mean, why are you even mentioning it? I'm not against his artist, but like, yeah, I was fucking number one without a bullet, motherfucker. Without a bullet? I fired him not a shot to get people to go to Amazon.

And this guy, yeah, this guy was number one for like 10 minutes. I'm just saying, don't fucking start a fight when you know I'm drinking at night on Twitter. All right, we got something from George Lacey. He writes, Doug and Trey Lacey, for all the shows I bootlegged over the years, I sent you some liquor. I hope it arrives. I used the Shady Dell's phone number. He ordered it from minibardelivery.com. And I even got the order number or whatever, the identifier.

And I can't figure out if it's gotten here. But Applejack? Oh, yeah. Did we get anything with Applejack? Mm-mm. Oh. here, but, uh, Applejack. Oh yeah. Did we get anything with Applejack? Oh, but you know what it is. Yep. All right.

I don't think so. It's a Applejack is one of Jersey's two main import exports. It's either that or Taylor pork roll. Ooh. Uh, and I instructed them to ring the cowbell and he gave us a, a Jersey lighthouse drink recipe. Um, it's pretty, cause I because i'm not gonna lie it's pretty terrible pork roll is better but it's harder to ship thank you george we'll be on the lookout

i have a in front of me it's been sitting up there on the shelf is a, from the Delta Sky Club. What I keep saying the only thing I miss is Safeway the other thing that I miss is the ability to just fuck off and fly anywhere I want and just leave myself in the rear view mirror but I told

Tracy, alright, you have to learn the fucking classic cocktail menu from the Delta Sky Club. Gin, fizz, pear, pushback, Kentucky takeoff. I could make a Kentucky takeoff right now. Bullet rye, sweet vermouth, cinnamon, bitters, and a lemon twist. I have all that. Cinnamon, though?

I'm not saying it would be good. I'm just saying. Cinnamon just doesn't mix well into stuff. I wonder if you mean like a drop of cinnamon. It seemed like you'd mix cinnamon with simple syrup or something to get it in the recipe. Not cinnamon. It's like. Just a touch.

Just a garnish. Do you want one of these? No, I don't. But I just want you to learn something while your husband's doing all the work. What? No, I didn't say that. Didn't say what? I didn't say that. Didn't say what? I didn't say nothing.

Yeah, I guess, yeah, the sun's shining. Am I fucking tan or not? I need to get some sun. Bingo was taking Polaroid pictures while I was tripping, and I didn't come out in any of them. Are you a vampire? Yeah. Kristen Becker was right there, and there was no Doug Stanhope.

Maybe he sneezed. I was wearing a white T-shirt at first, and then I took it off. Like, I've been in the sun for fucking hours. You got sun, dude. Yeah. I don't show up in fucking Polaroid. Tiny little Polaroids. I go, that's the only thing I can take for pictures.

Grainy Polaroids from the 70s? They're a little tiny. Thumbnail. Instapix or something? Whatever they are. But that was early in my trip. I don't want to see a picture of myself. By the end, I wanted to see nothing

but myself. More beers! More beers! It's not like you got an ecstasy mixed with mushrooms. I think the fact that I wasn't freaking out about anything negative just made me completely positive. I'll stare right in the fucking mirror.

That's crazy. I'm good. I'm making shooting stars happen in a hammock. I'm fucking destroying this. Maybe we should do more mushrooms. I think maybe. I still got some edibles.

Yeah, we should drive really fast around town. I think Thursday we're going to go for a drive. Do our eight-hour turnaround. Oh, the floor out and back. I think we can get probably out somewhere like Hatch, New Mexico. I don't think we can get there in four hours, no. Well, we can push it. Leave early.

I'll show you the way to go through Globe. Love Hatch. We did that once. Globe is like four hours, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, and you go through Wilcox and through like Sunshine

Acres or some silly name. I remember finding the candy shop. Yeah, we haven't done

one of those drives in a while. We did the fucking America's Top 40 the second time that we've

done it where it sucked shit. 71, 72 was bad. 71 of whatever last week was fucking the worst the number one song is joy to the world which was my first 45 i bought that and only women bleed by alice cooper my parents drove me. I mean, I was six years, six or seven years old. I'm like, joy to the world.

Alice Cooper, Only Women Bleed. Turns out, Alice Cooper was my first concert at the Greek Theater. It was my first one in Vegas when I moved to Vegas when I was 18, 19. Yeah, Alice Cooper. And fucking Megadeth opened for him and I wanted to Vegas when I was 18, 19. 19. Yeah, Alice Cooper.

And fucking Megadeth opened for him and I wanted to leave immediately. Aw. Awful. Ear bleeding. Megadeth opening for Alice Cooper. Oh, yeah. I remember looking through that.

I was trying to find out when Jellyfish played. 86, probably 87. You can go, there's a website I found where you can find out when bands played in certain, especially even like supporting acts. You can get some of them. It's not, it's

hit or miss sometimes, but I was looking for my favorite band, Jellyfish, and trying to figure out when I actually saw them play. Two songs. Alright, I feel good. I'm gonna go piss i got two more questions oh good simon marsh has a request and the only reason i'm reading this is because you do get these hey guys and gals this is more of a personal request for my sister because she's in the uk and i'm in fucking russia it's her birthday on the 27th of may what is today

oh today's 26th it'll come out tomorrow right yep right and i need to get her a present i smell a present coming on all i have access to is amazon and it's fucking lame sending her another box of useless shit like indoor fireworks and books she won't read. Indoor fireworks sounds fun. Sounds like that's a made-up thing, though. Sounds like... All you could get was snakes. Oh, I love those. Worms? This is a more boring version of that

because you couldn't do a snake indoors. Any firework is indoors if you don't own the house. If you fuck up. If you're visiting. If you don't want your security deposit back. I'd love it if Doug could record a personal message. I'll pay for it.

I know how major celebrities like Doug and Andy, for example, must get these requests on a regular basis. But if it's possible, I would be super grateful. What's her name? He didn't fucking say what Simon. Hey, Simon's girlfriend. No, his sister, sister, whatever. Does it say where they're from? Well, no, she's in the UK.

He's in Russia, but it doesn't say where they're from. Okay. Hey, Simon's sister. This is Doug Stanhope. Simon didn't include your name. Maybe he drinks like I do and can't remember it. So he just calls you babe or sugar or toots. I wish I was with you for your birthday,

but I hate the UK almost as much as your brother hates Russia. I wish you could be here with me for quarantine. I would do things to you on camera, and then I would send a video message to your brother in Russia that would probably get him arrested. Please wash yourself.

Happy birthday. Doug Stanhope. There you go. I recorded it. Oh, God. Alright, last question. The last one is not a question. It's our friend Kale Matthiessen. Kale.

Kale. Kenny. Kenny. Kasella Kenny for Mayor of Bisbee. He's got a ton of songs. Shit, we might. Maybe we should run someone against Ken Budge and David A. Smith to pull votes. I think it's too late.

I think you passed the signature part. It's never too late to lie. Write in. You can do write in. Yeah. Smith. To pull votes? I think it's too late. I think you passed the signature part. Nah, it's never too late to lie. Write-in. You can do write-in, yeah. Yeah. Dave Rader was talking about doing it. He needs to be here longer. Yeah, but we could run him fake.

I don't know. Fake would ruin him actually doing it in five years because I think he could. Hell, he had some terrible ideas. Yeah. We're all for it. Maybe we should destroy his name for mayor because when he's talking about doing it, I go, I'm all behind it. And then he had some ideas.

I'm like, you can't. No. No, that's stupid. Go ahead. Kale has a new song out. He's on YouTube. I think it's Kale's World Tour. K tour k-a-l-l-e-s world tour uh he writes uh yeah doug stanhope is an amazing stand-up philosopher and just a gem

and and one one of his bits is a rant about how lazy songwriters are so i thought let's make music out of his texts no repetitionsitions. Just stand up rock. And this is Kale. And we'll go out on this. Stand up rock. Is him doing basically Doug's bits while he's playing live. All right. Yeah.

I have had. Sorry, I had to take the top off. That's all right. I can edit. I can tighten this up a little. No, no. I've had a lot of people. Did you do part of a piss and stop? Yeah, I did part of a piss.

You stopped like a dog? Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Looking for another tree? Yeah, I scraped the foam off of it. Like in a pub? Yes. In the UK?

It's Stellar R12. Wait, do you have a piss foam knife? With your initials on it? I've had a few people try to incorporate my lyrics. Usually it's like fucking. I remember that. Remember that someone did a 45 with the, with a cartoon of you? 45.

Yeah. But that like, it's usually, I don't know what EDM or shitty fucking. Yeah. And then they, then something that doesn't fit. It doesn't seem lyrical at all. It's usually, I don't know, EDM or shitty fucking – yeah. And then something that doesn't fit. It doesn't seem lyrical at all. But I bet Callie could pull it out. Oh, I've seen it. It's great.

We'll play it on the out instead of our regular – Did you talk about the TikTok? Oh, that kid's – That was fantastic. Oh, TikTok of my bits. That was fucking fun. Thank you, Callie. Love it. Every time you fucking do this stuff, I love it. He was fantastic. Oh, shit. That's right. That's the talk of my bits. That was fucking fun. Hold on. Thank you, Kali. Love it.

Every time you fucking do this stuff, I love it. He was supposed to come out here. He was going to be in America in 2021. Yeah. And that's all blown apart now. Because he was going to be out here. He was going to do... And I said, you definitely can play here at the Funhouse whenever you're rolling through.

And I just assume that's all... I'd love to have him and Sam Panther like on their drum set. God, that would be doing a fucking drum. That would be awesome. Someday. I want Neil Peart and Keith Moon. I want the neighbor that's been playing drums.

During the quarantine. I think he's getting better. You don't. I think he is. There's a trombone or something, too. Yes, there is. There's a woodwind instrument or a brass instrument. Yeah, it sounds like a trombone or a trumpet.

It's a... I don't think... All right, I just got my... Wait, do what you were going to do. What was I going to do? No, we were just talking about the TikTok. TikTok. I don't think I just got my wait do your do what you were gonna do what was I gonna do no we were just talking about the TikTok

TikTok oh yeah no there's someone tweeted a a TikTok of a kid lip syncing my bits and it was

fucking hilarious like a nine year old nine year old girl yeah yeah it was hilarious she had a tie on it was good yeah I'll get back

to the Twitter soon enough but I had to take some time off while I was doing all that. You're not on TikTok, right? No. No, but I saw the video and it's funny. I thought the follow-up, another kid did what she did poorly. And I'm like, the balls of a nine or eight-year-old kid. I would never have the, like, to do that and to go, I'm putting this out to the world.

I would not. No confidence in that. Yeah, the second kid. His was that. He was like – It was a cutaway to his stuffed animals at one point that had nothing to do with what he's saying. It's like me trying to like lip sync what you're going to say next, Tracy. There's just no way.

Brendan Walsh would go on YouTube videos of like a little kid dancing. It's like me trying to lip sync what you're going to say next, Tracy. There's just no way. Brendan Walsh would go on YouTube videos of a little kid dancing and just shit on him. That kid sucks. I can dance way better than that. And then other people are like, it's a fucking five-year-old kid. Why are you being a dick? I'm just way better than that is all I'm saying. I can dance way better. I fucking all i'm saying i can dance we wait i fucking love

brendan walsh all right uh thank you guys uh for listening tune in next week when i have so much more to say oh and uh get on patreon because we're doing at the five dollar level and above we're doing a video podcast for the once a month bonus podcast. So, that's coming up. Take us out live, bingo. Alright. Coronavirus. Alright. Bye-bye now. Okay. Can we do that again?

I'm not editing this. Oh, god damn it. Okay. 1, 2, 3, 7, 12. Okay. Bye-bye now. I'm coming off mushrooms it's not great stuff I'm playing your trombone right now alright I'll see you next time. I'm just trying to point out to you how lazy songwriters are. You have three minutes to fill in a song and you say the same shit.

Over and over and over and over and over again. I have to do an hour and ten minutes up here. And everyone has to be different. You know your priest will tell you that a portion is wrong. Cause your priest will also tell you that life begins at conception. But your priest will also tell you that it's okay to Suck his dick when you are only twelve So maybe his timing is just off

You had me, I used to be nothing I didn't exist, I never had a bad day Then you create me, I come into this world the next I know I'm doing hard work And dishes, I get chores And then do your homework And when your homework is done You're grounded

Fuck you cunts That had me without my consent I'm grounded, I'm 13 years old. You know what I could do? I could make a dude too. I know your loss is 18. But nature said 13. I could crank out a dude just like you did.

The dead Nick said Put him on your dime And he's gonna have my workload So contract that piece of shit out to the great least But I didn't do that Because I'm not a dick But if my parents weren't alive today I would sue them into poverty Because they're having me against my will.

Eugenics was the practice of forced sterilization of undesirables. Which sounds bad. And the way they did it was bad. First of all, divorce is wrong Don't force people to do things they don't want to do And B, who decides who is undesirable? They were doing it in this country At the turn of the 20th century

The early 1900s To criminals and perverts Which is way too big The mentally ill, the mentally retarded Homosexuals Which makes perfect sense We don't want them breeding all those queers Running all up and down like gremlins

But if you took away Flowers and just made it In sensitive face For people willing to sterilize themselves Offer up some white trash prices You know, nice carpet pass Meet your favorite driver All you gotta do is slip and sag A year's supply of sunny delight

You want some sunny D, don't ya? All you gotta do is party up the fun. Oh, lady, you still have two hoes left to drink guys out of drinks at the bar. Wait, are you telling me if I cut my balls off, I'm going crossbow hunting with Ted Nugent. No, no, no. Wait. Don't actually cut off your balls. We just make a small incision with a local anesthetic.

For you, I want you to cut off my whole balls. I'm going to hang them from my rear view mirror. Like a lucky rabbit's food I'm going crossbow hunting With a new I ain't never won nothing in my life Thank you.