The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#427: Michael Biehn & Bobby Caldwell Get Into It (40 for 40 - Day 33)

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

Day 33 of Doug's 40 for 40 (no smoking / drinking). Doug invites Michael Biehn (Terminator, Aliens, Tombstone, The Fan) to air any grievances with Michigan State Prison inmate Bobby Caldwell’s prison hooch. Some of which are in Bobby's own podcast, Ep #57 Notes From The Pen ( https://open.spotify.com/episode/6SydTG36V8bEEyuxXoZvhC?si=gSyL58vPTiGzlwWIZLVE4A )Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559Recorded Dec. 29th, 2020 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Michael Biehn (@jenniferblancb), Bobby Caldwell (@NotesFromThePen), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know.LINKS -Staying connected is an important part of life for those behind bars. JPay helps inmates stay in touch with the outside world by using an email system. Go to jpay.com create an account, and you’re all set.If you’d like Bobby to reply make sure you select the option to include a reply stamp.ROBERT CALDWELL MICHIGAN INMATE# 929141Check out Bobby Caldwell's Notes From The Pen podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/notes-from-the-pen/id1518819034Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconantPhoto Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Parnell Facility. If you feel you're being victimized or extorted by this prisoner, please contact GTL customer service. To accept this call, press 0. Hang up. Your current balance is $14.13. This call is from a corrections facility and is subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL. Hey! What's up, Joseph? Cannot hear anything if you are talking. Oh, hello, hello? Oh, gotcha now. All right, we're just setting up a microphone for Michael Bean.

Michael Bean. Oh, it's you, Jacko. You guys hearing that too? That might be because of that. Yeah. Yeah, we got a speaker set up. We might have to ditch that. Yeah.

It's coming out of your 15 minutes. Yeah. Well, hearing my own voice back at me takes any confidence I want to have directly and immediately away. Yeah, I think only Chad Shank is a fan of his own voice. Yeah, you should be in prison for life if you appreciate the sound of your own voice. Unless you're Chad Shank. Unless you're Chad Charismatic Shank. Yes. Bobby.

Bobby. Hey, Bobby. Yo. Hi, Bobby. It's Michael Dean. How are you? Oh, hey. Hi.

Oh, there. Now it's nice and clear. Good. Listen, I want to put everything in context here because I met this one over here. What's your name? Stan. Doug. Doug Stanhope.

I got a little problem with my memory. I had a stroke. Anyway, but Doug was, you know, I got to be friends with him because I moved to Bisbee and I did his podcast because I did some movies 40 years ago, and we had a lot of fun. And so I started listening to his podcast, and obviously you were featured in the last couple of weeks. And so I saw Doug out.

We were playing tennis. I won't get into who won that, how bad we were even. We're even, yeah. Well, I won the last one. Rubber match. Yeah. Okay. The one we had the money on, I won.

But anyway, we don't have a little bit of time here. So anyway, so I was, you know, I heard you talking and I heard you were, you know, in Michigan and prison and the whole thing. So I asked Doug, I said, like, what's the guy in for? Because, you know, I don't know your history. I don't know anything about you. So I was like, what's guy in for? Because, you know, I don't know your history. I don't know anything about you. I don't have to know. So I was like, what's he in for? And he's like, oh, he fucking killed his fucking wife. I was like, oh, my God.

Shit. That's fucking. Oh, but then he said, but you know what? It was not like, you know, it was like manslaughter. You know, like, I've checked this guy out. He's really good. He's cool. It's not what you think or whatever. I'm yeah you know like what happened or whatever he said like the guy was

like trying he's trying to commit suicide and thinking about committing suicide i guess he had a fucking gun or whatever i don't really know anything about it and he accidentally fucking he fucking shot his wife. And I went, oh, fuck, man, that's fucking horrible. And my question to Doug at that time was, and I don't know, I didn't know you. I don't know. I'm not trying to like whatever. No, no, no, go ahead. So my question to Doug at the time when we were sitting there was, My question to Doug at the time when we were sitting there was, do me a favor and ask him that if he was like that close to committing suicide, like, because I used to be an actor and I'm kind of interested in this kind of shit and how the brain works and stuff.

Yeah, absolutely. That close to fucking killing yourself and then you fucking accidentally fucking shoot your wife. Don't you then just go like, well well that's all the more fucking reason and you boom end it and that's what i wanted him to ask you and then he didn't ask you and then you have one minute remaining very good voice there so you know and then when I got on the podcast on New Year's Eve, I called Doug for some other reason, and then he said, oh, we're on the fucking air. I'm like, Jesus Christ, you use your own phone for the fucking podcast? He's like, yeah.

So then I kind of had to go into Michael Biehn mode and like, blah, blah, blah, you know, I was doing my thing. But I was really kind of interested in like that. So we only got 15 minutes, which is not enough time for me to even get to know you. But go ahead and just talk because this is your time. Go. No, I mean, I think this time isn't that valuable. I've done it before and it's not.

You know what I mean? Yes. But yeah, no, I think what happened was obviously that's, really personal, and it's really tough to think about. And when people speak on it, I've had to, like, I have a really thick skin with shit anyways. I grew up around just the most ruthless assholes. But with that, it's, like, kind of tough. And I never. Good looking kid, by the way.

Well, yeah, but nothing compared to Michael B. You know what I mean? Like, I've seen your movies. I've seen your fucking movies there you know what i mean even as a even as a villain you're still definitely fucking and that's like for me not from but uh so here so here it is i never took offense to anything that because it was relayed back to me in a couple of my you know because i have my own show i have my own podcast and uh i know and people uh Some people were offended by something you said. I never heard it

and was telling them leave them alone. They couldn't find you on Twitter, so they wanted to shit. I don't know. But I understand people asking. I would have a bunch of questions, too. Obviously, the police did. I never got charged with anything but involuntary

manslaughter. They had to do, like, obviously an in-depth investigation. But, like, briefly, what happened was there's a longer description on, it's called On the Fringes with Andrew Gold. He works for the BBC. I did his podcast a while back. But what happened was I was sitting on the stairs, and I had been yanked off all my anti-depression medicine because I lost my insurance

because I lost my job and whatever I've had mental health issues for a long time and I was sitting on the stairs and um I had my feet on the stair right under my ass which like props your knees up you know and I had my elbows on and I was drunk and I was crying and I had when I went and got a 1911, a 45, and when I went and got it, the magazine was gone because Monica, my wife, knew that I was thinking about how I tried to hurt myself. So the magazine was gone. But I knew where the bullets were, right? So I could stay in the room. I was sitting on the stairs, and I went and grabbed a single round. I pulled the slide back and dropped it in there and chambered it.

Now, there was something wrong with this gun, but because I chambered it like that, the hammer's now back, and I'm not even fucking thinking about this shit. I was drunk and whatever. So I'm sitting on the stairs, and I'm crying. I'm trying to get the nerve up. And my head's, like, between my knees, and as I'm pulling the gun forward like

it's like the gun's almost on the back of my head like pointing up the stairs now the last i knew she was in the room upstairs and when i'm pulling the the moving the gun it goes off while it's still like at an angle like next to my head and as soon as it goes off, I feel something hit my back. And I'm like instantly confused. Like what the fuck is going on? It's her with my son. So apparently she came out. How old was he? He was three.

Okay. So I guess she had, I didn't know what happened though, because there was no blood or anything. I'm like, did she faint? Maybe she fainted. I thought the bullet went into the wall a little bit above me

into the wall on the stairs and there was no blood or anything and I'm like, what the fuck? So instantly my thought process other than besides trying to kill myself shifts to what's happening? Is she okay? Like, what the fuck?

My kid's crying, and I pull her down, and I call 911, and I'm fucking, like, what the fuck? I'm trying to talk to her, and I have to do CPR on her because I get through to 911. And then when the cops show up, like, there was no blood. I couldn't find any blood on her. But when I did CPR, she had, like like a little blood on the side of her mouth and uh I had the front door open it was right by the front door and then when the cops

came I ran I seen that okay they're here they can take care of her now so I ran back to the kitchen where the where the bullets were because I was like now they can take care of her I did the same thing but when I chamber like, now they can take care of her. I did the same thing, but when I chambered it

this time, it immediately went off, and it went through my hand, my left hand. Were you going to off yourself right then? Yeah. So you shot your hand instead? Yeah, it went through, went off. There's something

wrong with the hammers, or the locking mechanism of the hammer. Are you crying? I saw that they, who, me? No. Oh, you're sniffing. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, I've done that enough times, telling the story and shit. And for whatever reason, the two times I've told it to the one guy from the BBC and now to you, people I don't know, I get less emotional. I used to not even be able to talk about this shit.

And I saw that when the gun went off the second time and blew my fucking finger off, damn near, that they weren't coming in to help her because of me. Because they were worried because I had the fucking gun. So I threw the gun down and laid down and was screaming like help her please fucking help her and so like to answer your question the reason I didn't just do it immediately right after that because my whole priority shift was like what's like what happened what's going on with her and what what I learned later when they did the ballistic was that she must have walked out to check on me saw me sitting there with the gun and turned around and right when the gun went off

it went in her lower back at like just the right specific angle and traveled up, threw her back and stopped in her brain and killed her immediately. And I... That's uh... Is this a comedy podcast?

I was just going to say this should have been the Christmas episode. Yeah, this is fucking comedy. So, yeah. I think the people who know me and listen to my stuff have gotten to relate to me and close to me. And they know me on a more in-depth level of which you're pointing out that it would be hard to do in 15 minutes. And so they're protective of the story and as I am in and of me. And I think when they hear someone making light of it, maybe they

want to defend me, but I'm a big boy and I can fucking defend myself. And a good looking big boy. You've been in like eight years or something like that? Yeah. Eight out of how many more do you got to do?

I got four and some change. So what did you get charged with? What did you end up doing? Involuntary manslaughter. Okay. And then it was just like a plea? You just plead flat out to that many years? Yeah. Go ahead.

Well, yeah. Like a plea? You just plead, plead out to that? Yeah. Go ahead. Well, yeah, usually it,

but the problem was like, after all this happened, I had, I got, I had to have surgery and then I was put in the hole for 17 days. Now, like in an instant, everything changed.

Like my whole life went away. And the person I cared about the most, and aside from like my kid and her daughter was like, call me dad, which is everything went away and I'm in the fucking hole aside from like my kid and her daughter was like called me dad which is everything went away and i'm in the fucking hole and like the irony that i was willing to put everyone in my family through the pain i was now feeling just without her like i was willing to put her through that and just had to sit in the hole for 17 days and like really come to grips with what a like a selfish, mentally ill piece of shit.

Like I just, my weakness just exploded and caused so much fucking reverberation of pain to everyone I cared about. And I immediately realized like, oh yeah, that I gave up that right to ever pass out again. You know what I mean? Like I can't. And so I was left to either like, okay like, let's figure your fucking brain out and your fucked up life because there's nothing else to do but figure it out. I can't kill myself anymore. I can't put my mom and through all the things that I was willing to put everyone through,

I was now fucking feeling. And I kind of, like, gave up that right. through i was now fucking feeling and uh i kind of like gave up that that right and uh since coming to prison you know seven plus years ago it's been a lot about uh you know i struggled with addiction which was like me self-medicating for for my mental health and depression issues and all that other shit were you high were you high when all this shit went down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wasn't, like, in a relapse state, but I was on Klonitins, and I was drinking that night. And I was self-medicating again. I'd been yanked off.

How much booze? How much booze did you have that night? I'm just curious. You don't want to talk about it. I don't know. I don't care. It is what it is. I don't know.

I had a... I was drinking off a fifth that my brother left over there. So maybe like half a fifth and a handful of Klonopin. Shit, man. So had you tried to hurt yourself before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had actually sought out community mental health and even another doctor. This is all in my police report shit where they contacted,

where I was trying to get into a new doctor to get pulled back. Because I could tell something was spiraling, being yanked off the Paxil and shit that I was on, the depression. You know, being immediately removed from that, I could feel shit going sideways. And I did, for the week before, I was trying to get help, and I was turned down for mental health. And then the doctor's appointment I went to

You have one minute remaining. I ended up being turned away. She had no more space for new patients. And my insurance, I got a new job, but my insurance hadn't kicked in yet.

Listen, here's the thing. Bobby, can you call back? Yeah, I'm going to call back. I just wanted to say that when I was on when I called up and Doug was like you're on the fucking air. I was like oh my god. So I was just kind of like going into

fucking Michael Biehn mode. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I wasn't like, I don't even. No, no, no. You didn't. You didn't. You absolutely didn't. And a part of me was kind of like, oh, sweet. Now, like, I did. Like, we opened the door. Now we can, like, really talk shit about each other.

You didn't hurt my feelings. I don't. I'm not that vulnerable. Dude, dude, dude, dude. I listened to the, I listened to your podcast and I obviously hurt your feelings because you're all over me. Like, I'm just saying, I want to apologize to you because, you know, obviously you hurt your feelings

because you wouldn't have been talking all that fucking shit if I hadn't hurt your feelings, right? Thank you for using GTL. This podcast brought to you by BetterHelp. That's H-E-L-P, betterhelp.com. This is not self-help. It's professional counseling, and I've been using it.

And when we first got BetterHelp as a sponsor, I go, maybe I'll use it and goof around. And I go, you know what? Just because I think that I'm doing better than most people during this pandemic, that doesn't mean that I'm doing well. Yeah, I'm losing my shit. Just like you guys. And I started doing better help. And it's fantastic. It's being able to talk about yourself.

To someone you don't know. That's going to listen. I don't know if you know how rare that is. Someone is just going to listen. And care about you. And you can just spill your gut. I found it to be fantastic. Again, it's not self-help.

It's not a crisis line. It's just someone who gives a shit about you, all without having to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. Better Help is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available. And the service is available to clients worldwide as our listeners are worldwide. Licensed professional counselors who are specialized in depression, stress, anxiety, who are specialized in depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, sleeping or trauma, anger, family conflicts, LGBT matters, grief, self-esteem.

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People who need a job. I want you to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. Join over 1 million people who've taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Stanhope. Oh, wait. So you listened to the podcast that he did. All right. I haven't heard heard it Well, we're still going

Had I known we had a guest today I listened to the whole thing, but you didn't tell me he was going to be on mic until we had started I just assume you know everything I always assume you know everything I did listen to it and I was I was

When I'm listening to it, I'm listening for audio things, like technical things, because I've advised them on some of the things. I'm curious about the gear they're using and everything. I like the podcast. It's very two guys that know each other and everything. But when he was saying that, I was kind of getting that thing

of like... I'll pot it down. Why is he getting on your shit so much? But then at the end, he kind of went back and he said, hey, don't give them a hard time. Yeah, I think that was more for the mic. You know what I mean? He was going in a Bobby mode.

But I did get some of that at first, but then he backed down off of that a little bit. But now I see why you're here. I just wish I would have known. Can you hear that? We have to go through this every time that he calls back in. I know I can listen to your podcast this every time that he calls back in. I know. I've been listening to your podcast. He's back.

Hello, Bobby. Now you can make the joke jokes. Hello. Well, here's the thing. I wasn't hurt. Like, oh my god. It was more like, okay, this guy wants to fucking play around. And I don't even know what you said. But I was like, okay, like now we get to shit on each other.

And I have a fucked up dark sense of humor where I think meanness can be funny. If it's just, I thought it was funny to couch the little one-liners inside of, no, I fucking love the guy and then shoot a shot. And they go, no, but really, I love the guy. I mean, he seems cool and then shoot a shot. And I'm telling you, it didn't bother. I mean, it kind of perturbed me i guess a little bit but more but what trump that more was like all right well let's fucking like talk shit about each other you know now i have the free reign to like talk shit about the guy i didn't mean to hurt your

feelings i talked to bobby last night and he was fucking throwing out he had a litany of stroke jokes he was writing about you and i go go, you have to understand, it's not like an apparent Mary Jo Buttafuoco kind of face or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I was just looking at, now you were so sincere with this goddamn call, now I feel like a fucking prick. Like, oh, I listened to it, and you were clearly hurt. Like, all right, Pop. I'm sorry. Like, you know what I mean? Like, now I feel like a dick. And I don't take the fun away from this shit. Yeah, all right.

All right, Pop. I'm sorry. I don't know. You know what I mean? Now you're going to get all sincere. And now, like, I just, well, you got the story that Doug couldn't get out of me for the last fucking two years. And I get on here. So now I can read my stroke jokes yeah yeah no i'm just

kidding i'm just kidding they don't really mean anything anymore to me and they really didn't then because i didn't really give a shit uh it was kind of fun actually i you know like i try to make a good thing out of uh shit that. Yeah, I should apologize for saying... No, no, no. No, no, no. Let me say this. Let me say this. I should apologize for saying I would fuck your wife when I got out.

I said that before I knew that she was 40. Once I found that out, it was off the table, completely off the table. Well, don't worry about that. I thought, you know, and again, if you have a sense of humor, then. No, I do. But you have a sense of humor about yourself and like the shit that went down and everything? Yeah. Nobody can talk about that.

Because I was, like, thinking, I was thinking, in my head, I was thinking, you're, like, all fucked up. You got a fucking gun. You're a fucking drug addict. You're all fucked up and everything. And you, boom. Those are all true. You're going to fucking commit suicide. You're going to fucking commit suicide.

And then, fucking, boom, you fucking kill your wife. And you're, like, things are looking a little upright yeah yeah and now yeah and now i figured now i got everything fucking figured out and i'm on the phone with uh with an 80s fucking b-lister and fucking uh see oh i hurt your feelings again i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm really sorry man i'm sorry obviously hurt your feelings again I'm really sorry the point is that after like you were saying after all this now I'm more successful I had to come to prison

to get just a smidgen of success and I guess success the bar is pretty low I'm on little 15 minute segments of podcasts with Stan Hope and shit that is pretty wild. Me too. Me too.

I think you and I are in the same boat there, but I think we have something in common there. He's big time in prison, though. This is what's sadder. For me, I'm going up, right? Like, it went from, like, Twitter people and shit. And, right, listen, it went to Stan Hope. You went from, like, Schwarzenegger to Sigourney Weaver, Val Kilmer.

Down to Stanhope. Yeah. Like whose coattails are safe these days if you're going to go on this trajectory? Are you on mine now? Do I be on my coattails now? That's why he agreed to show up. He wants an appearance on your podcast. I do.

Which is probably eclipsing mine along with issues with Andy. It would be great. It would be great. You've got to charge up that hover around and make sure you show up on podcast. Let me ask you a couple of questions about prison because I've always been interested. Do you got your own fucking, did I hear you in one of the podcasts, you got your own fucking cell? Yeah, yeah, I do. But I thought prisons were so fucking crowded they

were like four people in the fucking in in like two man cells so it's like uh it's ironic because this is the only time in my prison day where i've had my own cell and i'm it's also the only time i'm in a minimum let me ask you a question about like not not like having another like a cellmate or a like a whatever you call them. Cellmate. There. Cellmate. Cellmate.

Bunky, right. Like with all the young guys in there, like what do you do with the whole fucking jacking off thing? Like, I mean, if you're like – most of those guys in there are probably like 18 to 30. When I was that age, I was, you're like, oh, excuse me, put your earplugs in, or you just listen to him, and I take it, you bet, and you lower it. Yeah, you can't. How's that work? Within the culture of do's and don'ts, it's called cooking someone. You can't jerk off with your bunkie in the cell.

You have to wait for them to go to the shower. And when I was in a maximum security, I was in level four, so the toilet and everything's there. So you have to wait for one of the two times you get yard, and they go out, and you have to sacrifice your yard to slap yourself around in there. You hang a sheet of...

Okay, I'm listening. Here I'm in a single man cell, so I just hang a blanket across... This is like a really old prison. It's like a hundred years listening. Here I'm in a single man cell, so I just hang a blanket across. This is like a really old prison. It's like 100 years old. And I hang a blanket across the bar and then abuse myself repeatedly and then just shamefully get up and take the blanket down, knowing everyone knows what I was doing in there

and just trying not to make eye contact with anyone across the fucking gallery and shit. Why shamefully? You know, isn't that... I mean, you've never had that where you post-ejaculatory refractory period where you're kind of like... Fuck no, man.

You gotta understand this. You're probably looking at... I'm looking at old Xerox copies of 1970s hardcore porn. I was going to ask you about that too. You have to get National Geographic and jack off to the black women

with the tits that are... What can you get in there to go with? We call them colored women now. You don't call them Negroes anymore? Good for you. You're really stepping up there as far as your evolution. Go ahead.

We can get, Jesus, we can go, we can get Playboys. Oh, oh. But there's, you know, people have hardcore in here and like a full,

like penthouse will go for like 70 bucks or full color one. But if you get caught with it, they take it. You know what I mean? So the real entrepreneurs in here will find someone that works in the law library and make a bunch of Xerox black and white copies of it, and sell those.

Now, that's what I got. And that's where the shame comes in. Could you get hardcore pornography tattooed on you so they couldn't take it away? If the artists were worth a shit, maybe. But the shit that's going to end up... They're going to end up... Get it on flip cards? I don't really want to finish.

Yeah. Yeah, just to fucking... Flip card pornography for prison. That's how you merch. So jacking off around anybody else in prison is strictly verbose. I think people get stabbed over it. That's pretty hardcore. I've seen people get stabbed over it. That's pretty hardcore.

No, I'm serious. Yeah, I've seen people get stabbed over it. Wow. I think part of it is stabbing. Wow. Because it's almost viewed, right, as a sexual advance. Yeah.

Like, you're almost grooming them. Like, oh, okay, this is allowed. This kid's going to allow me to, like, jerk off and then tell them, like, what's next. You know what I mean? I hear you. No, I mean, you know, like, jerk off and tell them, like, what's next? You know what I mean? I hear you. No, I mean, you know, like, yeah. No, it would definitely be offensive if somebody's just like, I was like.

I'm jerking off right now on the phone. So, in a way, I'm really insulting, disrespecting you. You're not the way for me to get out to get revenge. You know, weird shit happens like that. To me, I was like, I wanted to stop, you know, you live in fucking Arizona and stuff,

and you stop at like a, it was like a week ago, it was less than a week ago, I stopped, and I had to go into like one of those toilets that are in like a store. Circle K.

Circle K, yes. Used to be 7-Elevens. And I'm in there, and the guy's taking a piss next to me, and he's like, Ah! Ah! And I felt like, man, this isn't right, man.

You know, I felt disrespected that he was enjoying his pee so much. Last exhale of his prostate. He should have hung up a sheet. So I understand, I I guess if somebody was you know doing that around you yeah okay I get it I get it and I didn't know I wanted to I got a bunch

of questions about fucking prison yeah that's what I'm sure someone put you just on the podcast where I mentioned you but if you go through it through you know I think we got like 50 some episodes now. It's a lot of that. It's about the shit that happens in here that you're not going to find in your

shitty movies that are written by people who've never been to prison and get a more three-dimensional grasp of what it's like in here and the stuff that you wouldn't, the little nuanced shit that you wouldn't notice. Now that you're at a level two, do they do any of that at a level two, do they do any

of that? Or level one, do they do any of that shit where the new guys come in and everyone fucking catcalls? Fish. No. No. I mean, a little bit to fuck around, but this place is... This level one shit

is Candyland. It's a bunch of guys listen listen can I can I give you a little piece of advice listen I know like I'm a washed up old fucking actor who you know was back you know something 80s B-star is what he said 80 B-star yeah I know it was an 80s B-star but here's

the deal that you gotta learn for like your podcast you know you gotta start making this fucking stuff you gotta start making stuff up about rape, about jacking off. You got to, like, start making up stories that are exciting. Not like, eh, nothing ever happens here. Eh, it's that bunch of fucking punks.

Nothing ever, you know, blah, blah, blah. You got to fucking find a fucking meat of, like, the fucking, and just make shit up. No, no, no, no. I mean, I get the advice, but I'm not I'm about a I want this thing to be artistically as we talk about jerking off, I want it to be

artistically credible. There's enough shit that doesn't need to be made up. Are you able to jerk off like at least once a day still? Does your bunkie get a shower every day? Was that your habit? Is that how often Michael Biehn's doing it?

Once a day? Not anymore. And then I'm married, so I've got somewhere to put it. How does it work? Okay. But how often do you jack off? All right. Well, you know, I usually lead with this when I meet someone.

When you meet someone? Yeah, when I meet someone, I'm usually like i'm usually like hey how many times and they're like times what i'm like you know they're like no i don't i'm gonna jerk off a day i don't know like once a once every once a day maybe maybe uh once every two days it gets tedious really 40 oh yeah okay once so you still do it once a day How old are you now? 40. Really? 40? Oh, yeah. Okay. So you still do it once a day? Like I said, once every two days, maybe once.

It depends on if I get some new shitty Xerox pictures and I just go to town. This is the weirdest love line ever. Is that? Is that? You can't use your imagination to do all the freaky stuff that you really think about compared to just looking at an old man's movie? Well, it's not like you don't stretch out in here. You don't stretch out in here and have a really enjoyable jerk-off session. It's like juggling on a tightrope.

You don't know there's going to be COs walking through the back catwalk. They walk by, and they're like fucking, you know what I mean? Like, hey, what do you do? Are you okay in there? Did you hang yours? Like what? You know what I mean? Oh, got them. How well did I tie that sheet up? Yeah, all that shit.

Yeah, shit. Prison sounds like a bitch, man. That's alright. How much time did you spend on the rock i didn't spend any time oh i went and visited the rock but i didn't spend any time on it i just meant the movie like oh do you count that as prison time you've done you know listen i got like i i have no idea what you're going to i i like i consider like my four stints in fucking rehab is like

white man's prison and I could like I only had 30 days I only had to do 30 days and I could never get by about 6 or 7 and I was done so of course I didn't have a bunch of people done how many face flashings did you see

in this rehab my first day in prison was just someone's face. I saw some pretty bad plastic surgery, so I think it's pretty fucking comparable. I saw some 80s plastic surgery. I don't know if you remember what that looked like, but it was fucking, you know, faces all yanked. You have one minute remaining. That's horrendous, huh? All right, well, do your thing.

Pretty bad, but not, not, not, how many knifings have you seen? Wait, hang on. We want to do one more 15-minute chunk? It's your money. It's your money. You want to, can you do it again, Bobby? Yeah, yeah, I can call right back

as soon as this nice young lady on the recording tells us to get the fuck on or cuts us off. Do you ever jack off to her? Okay, so... When she's talking. You have one minute remaining. Yeah, like I said, listen. Prison Siri.

Like I said, hey, they have on the little music thing where you can download music, people would upload. Remember, Doug, I said people... because they have people stand up CDs. They have Hedberg on there. People would upload shit so you could download it that was like just audio porn. And I would just be in there just laughing. I love that. Yeah. Oh, my first.

We're going to get hung up on, but I'll wait for you to call back. But, yeah, my first telemarketing job ever in L.A. in 85. Thank you for using. Well, yeah, we first telemarketing job ever in LA in 85. Thank you for using. Well, yeah, we could call 976 numbers. They were back then. So we could call them for free. Do you need to explain what a 976 number is? I think so.

Yeah, recorded phone sex that you pay whatever, fucking $3 a minute for. And they try to keep you on. Yeah, it wasn't a credit card one. Oh, it just went on the phone bill. Yeah, it went on the phone bill of a fraud telemarketing company. So, yeah, you're long gone before they're asking any questions about, hey, who keeps calling these numbers? We put them on speakerphone.

Hi, this is Carmen, the anal queen. I still remember that one. Carmen, the anal queen? Yeah, just keep calling back. I just got the title for this podcast. Talk about clickbait. Sex! Rulers of the underpants universe.

Sex! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. I remember that one because we just kept calling back. Pot it down as he says.

Hello, this is a prepaid call from... Carmen, the anal queen. Good job. There's fingers down there. A prisoner at the Michigan Department of Corrections, Parnell Facility. If you feel you're being victimized or extorted by this

prisoner, please contact GTL Customer Service at 855-4... Yeah, we should bleep. We shouldn't even Yeah, we shouldn't bleep. We shouldn't even be promoted. We should bleep out their fucking name. Whose name? GCL customer service. They're kind of dropping

ad copy in here for private prison. Well, it's not private prison. Your current balance is $8.02. Oh, well, I'm going to have to win a tennis next time. Shameful....subject to monitoring and recording. Thank you for using GTL.

All right. I think she sounds kind of sexy myself. I don't know. There's something about that voice. Oh, Michael. Michael B., that's a man. That's a man. Well, that doesn't make any difference.

In a whole, right? Oh, yeah. That's what I've been telling myself. That's what I've been telling myself. That's what I've been telling myself for seven plus years now. It doesn't make the shame. No, and like no rapes going on in there, like you said? That's a lot less. That's one of the things that's not.

Damn. You know, that's like the serious thing we will go to. I'm really disappointed in the whole fucking prison system. So we can track it down on the prison system here. I think, you know, because it's got so much publicity. They have a, this is a hack, you know, I've said it a couple of times, but they have this big poster and it's called PREA, Prison Rape Elimination Act. And it's just this big thing.

And, you know, they really hold their feet to the fire if someone gets raped. They're uptight, uptight like that. So there's posters everywhere that says pre-rape. Cancel culture of prison rape. Yeah. Just let us do it. But on the posters, it'll have like a contact number and on it, and it'll say

the big statement that says sexual assault is not part of your sin. You know what I mean? And I'm always like, yeah, it's a privilege is what it is, and you guys are ruining it with all these goddamn narc posters. Let's let it, let's let it fucking happen.

Fucking really disappointed, Matt. That's my raping. I mean, there's, um, on one of the, I think the one that came out on yesterday podcast,

there's like these, uh, prison urban, at least prison, like Mr. Legends. and I've been down long enough to hear most of them and who they're about, but we had a guy on there that was on my bunkie once, he'd been down like

20 years, and he knows some of these guys. So there's this guy named Sucker Punch that would, way back when you could smoke, would ask you for a light, he'd knock you out and suck your dick. Which, what's the violence? What's the call of violence you know what i mean like you just ask like just ask it could be worse you you wake up and the guy i mean

i guess it'd be worse if you fell what happens if you fall on your stomach though then what you know and then i woke up with morning wood. It's not gay if you pretend to be knocked out. Do they have that thing where all the gay people and snitches and cops and everybody are in a private security? What do they call it? Protective custody. Protective custody, yeah. Do they have that in your prison? Yeah.

Well, the second prison I went to was the maximum security. And that's the one, Doug, I told you, white boy Rick was at. He was in there. They have two joints up here that have PC units. And you can't just go in there. There's like a waiting list. To go in there, you have to give up someone's name and give up information and actually prove that your life's in danger.

And there was a PC unit. It's kind of like an asylum for fucking immigrants. Aren't there just like, since according to fucking everything I've ever heard in my life, like 10% of the male population is gay? Like, where are all those gay guys? Are they like, are there gay guys that are just not a part of your thing that are just like doing each other and stuff? Or that doesn't happen either?

What goes on with that? Well, I think that for the most part, it's so, like if you're an openly gay person here, you're persona non grata for the most part. But there are some people who just don't give a fuck. It's definitely not one in ten. It'll be, see, the sexual shit in here it's super predatory you know so there's like this creepy vibe to it it's like i don't have a problem at all like

whatever sexuality you are here but in here it's like this aggressive like there's always a victim involved where the person is being coerced or pressed into it. Never two consenting adults in there? Never two consenting adults? There are some of that, but it's usually someone who was gay in the world, and then there's just another person. Oh, somebody a coffee or something? It's super homophobic and repressed, actually, so they're, like, weird weird about it and it's just creepy the way it goes it goes actually i'm in the one prison that has transgender inmates in michigan they call it

the dollhouse and they the unit i'm at so there's uh they get their estrogen pills and have fake and they did they're popular i bet are. They're popular out here, dude. Water is wet, also, by the way. You don't say. You don't say. Are you still on psych meds?

I was never on. Since coming to prison, I wasn't on. Because you said you were on your meds? I was never on. Since coming to prison, I wasn't on. Because you said you were on your meds at the time of the incident. Yeah, at the time, yeah. And then when they put me in the hole for those 17 days before they would let me out, I decided that I would either, I would never be on psych meds again. Have you ever been diagnosed as anything other than depressed? Are you like um manic depression depression

depression so what kind of drugs were you on so often that kind of shit yeah i started on doloff when i was really young i must have been like 13 or 14 me too and then uh i went through everything pat i think paxil was the last thing i was on but none of them really none of them really were they were all they were all just like Band-Aids. This is one of the problems, right? What did they take away from you when you were really in that bad situation we were talking about earlier? What drugs were you on then that they were taking away? You said they took away your drugs.

Like I said, Paxil. I was on an opioid maintenance thing, which was awesome. And then I was on Paxil. And I think Paxil, I was literally cycling through new different brands like once a month because none of them were really working. But I wasn't told that there's other things you can do for mental health, like more proactively in your life and shit. They're just like,

here, take these things, take these things. You have a chemical imbalance, take these things. And so I had no, I had to learn that there's some personal responsibility to your mental health that you have.

And there's proactive things you can do in order to meditation is my big thing. Meditation, exercise, um, finding something meaningful to fucking do with your goddamn life. See, if you'd been, I was just like you, except if you were big in the 80s, you would have just had people throwing pussy and fucking booze and drugs at you.

And I think that's the difference between me and you. Because I could have definitely fucking ended up in jail. There's definitely some situations I was in that like, oh, man. I would never judge you. That's really what I wanted to say to you more than anything else. I appreciate that. I didn't mean to judge you, and I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings. So I really didn't.

Oh, here we go again. What? You're going to hurt my feelings. He's winking when he says that. He's fucking with me. I know he is. I know this is his fucking thing. He's doing air quotes. He's winking when he says that. He's fucking with me. I know he is. I know this is his fucking thing. He's doing air quotes.

He's pumping really hard. I know this is... I fucking... He's heavy-handed with it. Did you say you're an actor? I'm not an actor. A bad one. In 1980s, you know,

he has been, dude. He's B. He's bothered that I called him an 80s B-lister. I'm sorry. No, no. I'm not bothered at all. Listen, I heard the podcast. I'm waking at no one over here.

The interesting thing that I thought about you, which was really good to know after listening to your podcast, was out of 1,000 people that are in your prison, you're in the top two people as far as being smart, right? Out of the 1,000 people? No, no, I'm number one here. I'm number one here. Those are two other people I've just met since I've been down. I'm top dog here. Okay.

Those are the two other people that you could talk to. Okay, so this is what I've got dog here. Okay. Those are the two other people that he could talk to. So, Jesus Christ. What, everyone? Okay, so this is what I got to do. I got to insult your friends to get everyone to listen to the most recent fucking episode. Jesus Christ. Bobby, I've listened to it. Has everyone listened to it? I've listened to it.

And by the way, you're on episode 57. I know. And the captain's doing a great job. You guys, it's worth listening to. We got him. It's on, it's on, it's all the platforms as far as I can see. listening to. It's on all the platforms as far as I can see and also on

iTunes or whatever Apple is promoting, a podcast or whatever. Notes from the Pen. And you can also go to notesfromthepen.com and there's a link there. Episode 57. They're cranking them out. I enjoyed it. Michael called me late last night for us, so

like around 8 and said, how do I get this podcast they go i don't even know how to get my own podcast we're two doddering old men on the phone trying to i think if you go to his what exactly is a podcast yeah that's yeah that's well now i found out now i'm beginning to realize anybody can have a fucking podcast and everybody does have a fucking podcast oh yeah clearly i have one in his his cell block everyone on his wing hey will you do my podcast i'll give you two coffees you did my podcast oh i need a ramen i'll do it for a ramen yeah it's all it's all fun and it's all fun and games until I'm the featured guest

on one of yours out there in the world though you know what I mean call it sucker podcast hey make sure you call again on Saturday oh shit Bean was talking I think our second podcast ever was a friend of ours

who tried to smuggle drugs in Brazil. Goose Kirk. Goose Kirk. And he got out finally. I think he escaped. And we had him on expecting the fucking... And nothing really happened. Michael was alluding to this earlier.

Where you get to make up stories like, yeah, it was kind of like summer camp. Nothing? Like, how'd you wipe your ass? Well, you just showered. There's no toilet paper, you just showered. We're not animals. You're a fucking Brazilian person. It sounds like meatballs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It just doesn't matter. Anybody who can work meatballs. Before we go, Michael was asking, how many slashees? I don't know if I ever told you. I don't think I told you this, Douglas, but my first day, you come in, and this is

maximum security prison, so you're locked in yourself. You have to go to chow or whatever. I go to chow, and then when we're coming back and, like, the group of people, the little crowd that we're walking with back to our housing block, like, starts

to part, like, the fucking, like, a crowd, like, the sea, like, in the fucking middle. And when they're doing a purport, like, everyone, when the CO is bringing someone through, everyone has to, like, spread out. You got to get to the side of the thing, like, goddamn parades going through, right? So we, uh, to get to the side of the thing like a goddamn parade's going through, right? So we moved to the side

and there's a guy that's going by and he's handcuffed and he's just smiling. So we're like, okay, I don't know what's going on here. He goes by and then about, I don't know, 50 yards behind him, we start to feel back in and the cops are like, no, no, no, spread out.

They bring this other guy and he's got a V-neck state-issued shirt and he's handcuffed behind his back and the cops behind him is leading him and he's got his V-neck shirt pulled up over his nose. So it's like covering his face. And he's walking. I'm like, what's this? Everyone's kind of like, what happened?

They're acting like it's no big deal. And right as the guy, I've been, I got to prison right before dinner chow. And so I'd been there a couple hours, made my bed, and then it was chow time. So I'm standing by the side, and as soon as he gets in front of me, because he's handcuffed, he can't keep his shirt up anymore. It falls off the front of his nose. And he had been slashed from his ear to the corner of his mouth.

And the bottom part of his cheek had fallen down like a fish fillet and you could see all of his teeth in there like a fucking zombie like from fear of walking dead and um it was like mind-blowing like okay this shit is real here and most of the people craziest part was they let him through and and there's just, the crowd reforms into a fucking regular crowd, and we just walk, and most people are acting like nothing happened. And I look down, and there's just a trail of blood drops going all the way back to the fucking unit where he got his face slashed open. That's called a buck fifty is what we call it, and that was like my first couple hours in prison. And I was like, oh, this shit's real. I'm back.

Did you sucker punch him and suck his dick? Get him all their week. That's what I heard. Find the biggest guy. Do you think when you get out, you're going to have any problem staying sober? Or do you think you're just just gonna go right back to it i mean it's one thing to say like oh you know like i haven't had anything for like eight or ten years but you could be like philip hoffman be off it for 20 years and then go back on it and be dead what do you think what i don't i don't know i don't feel any need to make like these

declarative statements about what the future is gonna to hold. I don't know, man. I feel like I've figured out what the difference between... I don't think so, but we'll see. You know what I mean? I don't plan on it. I've had plenty of opportunity in here. What's your drug of choice?

Opioids. And that would be what? You have one minute remaining. Where am I staying in Florida and stuff? But yeah, I don't think so. Opioids in Florida is, yeah, like water. Yeah, benzos and opiates. Weed and drinking too.

I like it all. I like anything that would fucking inebriate me and fucking put me under. I know my way around a fucking plate of cocaine as well, though. First in line? That's not the last in line. Bobby, before

they kill us, just call me anytime. I'm not going to set up another podcast. Just call me over the next few days, and we'll figure it out with the holiday and shit. All right, Michael. Bye, Bobby. Bye, Bobby. Bye, Michael.

Thank you. Bye, Michael Bean. I love you guys. You really hurt my fucking feelings, and I appreciate a formal goddamn apology. You got it. Joel Schumacher. I love you guys. Be good. All right, bye.

Happy New Year. Kind of come up with some rape stories next time. Thank you for using QTL. Watch out for your prison experience. We're still going. Yeah, we're still on. You don't need the headphones anymore. Yeah, you piss.

You piss. You go, yeah, check. So did I? Yeah, I was going to say, you're going to lose your wallet and your phone. Check with the boss. Did I miss the production meeting? I mean, what happened here? I completely forgot you weren't up here last night.

I saw you last night. Yeah, but I forgot you weren't here for the whole thing. I saw you when Bobby was on the phone with you last night. Yeah, but I forgot you weren't here for the whole thing. I saw you when Bobby was on the phone with you last night. Yeah, but I'm saying, no, Michael was here. Michael was here. Michael was here last night. Not when you were here. I knew Michael was going to be on, if that helps.

Yeah, we were out here with Michael, and I assumed that you were here, because I just assumed you're here, or you're listening on the ring. Fair enough. That was good because I drove out to Tucson today to get exotic meats for New Year's and ended up

getting semi-exotic meats for a lot of money. But I did listen to Bobby. One of the podcasts I listened to was, You know what? That's one thing I miss being on the road and listening to podcasts and everyone just

shutting the fuck up and driving for two hours. Oh my God. It was so fun. I did like a dozen audible credits. So I'm loaded up.

That's my new year's plan is to do a lot of driving and listening to audiobooks. Dude, it is so... I don't even need a place to go, but it's nice if there's something to do. And then I did find some things to do. Well, I got the dog up in Phoenix now. Yeah, exactly.

Gives me a reason to drive four hours up, four hours back. That's basically a book. You're going to hit her up to pay for that screen that he ripped into? Wow. How long did it take for you to fix the screen you fucked up? It's still wonky. It's still wonky. I'm glad he called back a couple times.

I thought they were just going to go right to fucking with each other. They get a little heavy at the beginning. Yeah. But I hadn't heard his podcast. It was good. What they were doing was a question and answers. So they did a... It was really good the way they did it because the

thing isn't like, shitting on Michael Biehn. It was like, and we talk about Tombstone or... And Johnny Ringo. That's how they set it up in there. And it was the questions and answers.

And the guy, I think, the guy who emailed them the question, that guy was angry at you. And it's ironic because – That's common for our fans. Oh, absolutely. Take offense on our behalf when they don't need to do that. Nothing was anyone hearing your voice. It was all someone said something that you should know about. Who'd you hear it from?

Someone else. And that was what the guy was- That nurse in Cedars-Sinai that we all knew with Richard Gere. Oh, terrible. Terrible. Terrible, right? No, my cousin knows. There was a nurse that was somebody's cousin that everybody knew. Same as, yeah, donkey shows.

Everyone knows someone that knew someone that went to a donkey show. Oh, I went to one. Well, my cousin did. But that's what the guy that because he he used lingo should we finger him and I thought

well I don't know what that means I don't know yeah and it's it's a prison term which I love prison terms I think you and I

are on that same page we're like I love the prison nomenclature and grifters oh I love the the things they do the kiting and the

the shivving and all that stuff I love all the little details scares the fuckiting and the shivving and all that stuff. I love all the little details. Scares the fuck out of me. But it is one of those things where this guy got so angry in the email question to notes from the pen that you're like, dude, step down a little bit. Relax. Right. But he was like, what do we do about this?

And Bobby was like, what do you mean, what do we do? I'm in prison. What am I going to do about it? Yeah. So whatever. All right. Going back to rape. If you had to go back and rape your former self, just one of your hit pictures, which version of you?

The fan. The fan. The fan. The fan. Yeah, definitely. I was young and very... What's that word that starts with a B? Bubonic?

Bubonic? Bucolic? Is that young? Beautiful? No. Bucolic would be like a Vermont village. Nah, I think it starts with a B. How many letters? Can I have out? I want to do a podcast with Michael Bean where it's just Michael Bean trivia

we do the live happy hour I was thinking the same thing as he's stuttering through I worked with the guy with the mustache and then people can chime in they can bring it in the chat it's a cross between beautiful and young

young? no, cross between beautiful and young. Young? No. Wow. Cross between beautiful and young. You're not going to get a turn at the New York Times Sunday Cross. Beautiful?

No. See what I did there? I'll think of it. I'll call you at midnight when I die. That was, by the way, that was Frank Gorshin up there. I love it.

Yeah. When you pointed at the screen, I'm like, he's pointing at Frank Gorshin up there. I love it. Yeah. I told, when you pointed the screen, I'm like, he's pointing at Frank Gorshin. He just is going to be polite and not say it. And the other guy too, uh, uh,

on the left, I don't know if you noticed him. He was a, he was a radio star. People that are listening to the podcast, are they watching this at the same time? TCM. No,

they're not. So probably, I got that. Okay. Got that. Probably not too interested. Yeah, no, that's the movie that I did that all, you know, whenever I go out. And all the fans that love that movie, they're all gay.

It's Lauren Bacall. It's Broadway. It's, and there's a scene in it where a guy goes down on me and I slit his throat. Very sexy, sort of like gay. And there's a whole kind of gay vibe to the whole thing. It was Robert Stigwood, first of all, produced it. And the guy who originally, oh, they were all gay. They were all gay.

And I think that's, I told you before that if it wasn't for gay men I wouldn't have much of a career it really wouldn't have gone very far I don't think all of my you also talked about Laura McCall earlier so this is was this the film where you had experience with her oh yeah and I'm very yeah I'm just young

and so I mean I'm just like answering your question I can't think of any other, you know, thing that like I should, you know, send Bobby some pictures for me from my Tiger Beat magazine. I'll Xerox them. I'll Xerox them for you. Here's a good one. There's one.

Look at that. Oh, yeah, That's the fan. Yeah, that's the fan. Well, look at this. I love this kind of stuff. I'll send that to Bobby. There's one where I'm laying down in bed, too, which is... Yeah, I'm very young and very pretty back then. Oh, right here. Look at my nipples. There it is.

There it is. That's the shot. That's the one that everybody... That's the one that all the gay men approached me with. This one. Hey, would you sign this picture for me? Quick question. What were you reading? Was it my letter to you? It's a bad Xerox copy.

Watermarked in a Ziploc bag. So the way I did most is actually my lines. I was probably doing a lot of monologues Because I'm always like This movie was based on a book That was all letters Letter written to her Me writing letters to her Like a stalker type thing?

Yeah But the whole thing The book was just letters Back and forth between people And there's a name for that But I'm not Correspondence? Pay attention Well that too But there's's a name for that, but I'm not... Correspondence? Pay attention.

Well, that too, but there's actually a name for a book that is basically just correspondence between... Bubonic? Beautiful? I created a word. Yeah, that's the one that... That's good, yeah. I see it. It's that, either that or when they skate up on rollerblades. I know right away.

That's kind of happening here though, right? That's the gay one. That's the guy that goes down on that. Oh, fuck. Yep. Me and Raider are going to be watching that in a king-size bed together. I'm going to put that as the icon for the... I think the guy in prison should be jacking off to me.

Well, you don't know if they're not see the way Raider and I do it we watch together but we wear eye masks and we cut out the eye that's not no peripheral vision on this eye that can look at the other guy's dick oh the contact side you keep covered

it's like it's an upgrade why don't you ever look at the other guy's dick it's Raider I gotta fucking barrier. Why don't you look at the other guy's dick? It's Raider. What? It's Raider. I gotta fucking have lunch with the guy the next day.

Aren't you curious at all? No. He's Jewish. He already told me. Oh. It's no surprise. Oh, that is no surprise.

No, the other one is the one that I, you know, you're not Jewish and you have that. We're still recording. Oh, we are? Yeah. Oh, no surprise. Oh, well, that is no surprise. No, the other one is the one that I, you know, you're not Jewish and you have that. We're still recording. Oh, we are? Yeah. Oh, we are?

Oh, the hood, that whole hoodie, that whole hoodie thing. Why doesn't your fucking wife just change her Twitter account to say Michael Bean? All she has to do instead, there's so many promoting you all the time. So why doesn't she just say that to you and just field your calls? She could be the person responding to everything, but it should be with your image. She's not interested in me. She really is not interested in promoting my career as much as she has. You've never seen her Twitter account then because it's all fucking.

Go to the cameo page for Michael Biehn. Well, then let's just say you are Michael Biehn as she is representing you on Twitter. You can get verified in a week. But if you took over an account, you start an account at Michael Biehn, you could – He has at Michael Biehn. He's got it. He just hasn't used it. All you youngsters need to know that there's something kind of hip about not being part of that fucking whole deal. I know. That's what I'm saying.

If she's going to be part of it anyway and you're not going to be part of it, why doesn't she just say she's you? I wouldn't want her to say she's me. Or take over your account. She doesn't have my sense of humor. She's promoting you. It's way easier to promote you. I'll have this conversation with the lady when she comes back. Well, we've already had this conversation.

You just don't remember it. That's what I'm saying. I'll have it with your wife next time. Shaley rolling his eyes until his eyes fall out. Wait, were you in the room? What? I asked you five minutes to air. Should I set up anything?

No, we're good. Raider was asking if he could have a set of headphones to listen, but that's when you pulled out the speaker. Yeah. And I thought you already knew about him. I thought we were dealing with the Raider. You thought I knew about him because I didn't set up a microphone for him? Is that how-

No, you said you were setting up a speaker. So then I go, oh, he doesn't need that. I didn't know you didn't prepare for fucking Michael Biehn. Riveting podcast. No, that was good. I'm so glad, especially after listening to that podcast, I'm driving back from finally Sierra Vista. I'm like, you know what?

This would be good to set something up. And then I come here and I find out it's a Christmas miracle. It's already set up. I didn't even have to call anyone. Well, you know, I mean, I was feeling a little bit. You know, I still have a little trouble with this. Oh, sometimes i forget we're recording that giant microphone in your face kind of dips out of your good eye it looks

like a penis i'm used to it well i told you how i got started in in the business right no i don't remember that i don't remember that all. I think we should get this on the record. There is no record. I just like to joke around. Okay. God, look at how young I was. And she was old back then. Is that disturbing? Should I turn this away?

What? Is this disturbing? Is it triggering? I love looking at myself. What are you talking about? I used to have a friend when I was a kid. And every time, I used to drive around in a Volkswagen, my first car, when I was over in L.A. And, of course, I'd let other people drive.

And he goes, like, you know, every time I fucking get into your car, I go to fucking, in the mirrors, like, looking at me. I'm like, ah, you know. That's honest. You're being honest. I used to masturbate to cassette tapes and just applause. Yeah. That's what he does. What was his name?

What's the guy's name that we were talking to? The guy in jail. Oh, Bobby. Bobby. That's what he should do. It's just like get a mirror and then fucking you can work off himself there. He's half Asian. Oh you know, it's. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. Oh, so he's probably got a little small penis in, right? Or is that just a. Not when you're looking at yourself in the eyes in the mirror. That's why he doesn't masturbate in front of any, all that stuff about like, you know, getting killed. If you masturbate in front of somebody, probably he just doesn't do it because he's Asian. Or is that a stereo? That's a stereo.

I wonder if just half of his dick is small like to the left and it pulls the right side down to a crooked smile oh lord oh god um yeah okay you're leaving me fucking michael beanhn comes to town, makes a friend, and now you're ditching out for a couple months. I don't want to. I really don't want to go back to L.A. because right now L.A. is on fucking fire. Oh, yeah. Even worse than it was before the fucking pandemic hit.

COVID-wise. L.A. Times today, I was reading online, was they're putting fucking hospital beds in gift shops. At hospitals because there's no place for them to go. And no one's buying gifts. Clearly, Hallmark has found a niche. Do I have to wear a mask to get a card? Pretty fucking horrendous.

But I don't, you know, I don't think we should talk about that because that was what... I forget. I'm on the microphone. I've got to watch myself. So you have a separate residence in Hollywood? I have. Hollywood proper? No, no, no.

I live in the San Fernando Valley. Oh, nice. Not really. No, there's a lot of nicer places. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. Oh, nice. Not really. No, there's a lot of nicer places. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley. Where? My aunt and uncle lived. Where?

Where in San Fernando? You don't know? I was eight years old. That's when we got into special effects. Well, there's a lot of places out there. We loved it. Yeah, but now it's 15 degrees hotter than it used to be when I first got there. And there's about 10 times as many people.

And it takes you like fucking four hours to drive into Beverly Hills to see a doctor or something like that. It's fucking horrible. Horrible, horrible. And you told me the other day, right? This is the first year in the history of California more people are leaving California than ever. I was there for the conversation. I didn't have the facts. Seems right.

Because, well, a lot of people moved from L.A. to Seattle. And there was a big backlash of people from L.A. in Seattle. And now since my brother, which that's what he did, he moved to Boise. It's the same thing. In Boise, people have a thing against where are you from and you don't say Seattle and you don't say LA. Because they're driving the

prices on everything up. It's a fucking great place to live. Both of them, well, Seattle not anymore. It fucking rains there every day. Yeah. Boise is a really nice place, but you do find that you want to... Boise is where? In what state is Idaho? I know. Oh, that's not so great. Boise's a really nice place, but you do find that you want to... Boise's where? In what state is Idaho? I don't know. Oh, God.

But you want to... Idaho's gorgeous. That's where all the fucking militias fucking are. That's where fucking the KKK are. That's where some of them are. What's the name of the cop that blew the O.J. Simpson case? That's where he was from. Furman? Furman? Yeah.

Hey! From. Again, we're playing... From. From. What from? But that's's where he was from. Furman? Furman? Yeah. Hey! From? Again, we're playing. From? From. But that's not where he... The OJ thing happened in LA. I know, but it wouldn't have happened if he wasn't from fucking Idaho. He left Idaho because they didn't like him. And that was a small niche

Coeur d'Alene area. I was in high school with him. I was in high school with Furman. All right? You're 20 years too young for that. So did you go up in Idaho? No. Is that where you're from? Orange County.

Fullerton. Oh, Orange County. Home of the electric guitar. Fullerton, you remembered it. Home of the electric guitar. Fullerton. Home of the electric guitar. Fender.

Fender? Fullerton? Yes. Do you play music, Michael Biehn? If you weren't drunk all the time, I'd fucking, I'll repeat the fact that when COVID happened, I started, I wanted to do something. So I learned, I went out looking for Ike and also learned to try to learn to play the guitar. So now I know all the chords.

So you only need three to play like a lot of fucking songs. Which three? Like A, C, D, B. B's tougher. The really tough one is F. They call it the F and F chord. And I kind of got that mastered, but that's called something they call barring up, which means you have to bar up with one finger and play with the others.

Your wife, girlfriend, whatever. Yeah. She would know all about this kind of stuff you could play every U2 song with G C and D and the problem is every single one yeah and the cult yeah and it's kind of fun but no I'm not musical

what is that Chaley now that I know he wasn't here last night your wife really wants to fucking sing karaoke oh wow oh well we and she goes we can do it here she fucking flip your wife really wants to fucking sing karaoke. Oh, wow. Oh, well, we... And she goes, we can do it here. She'd fucking flip.

We can do karaoke here. I love karaoke so much. She does. She's already set up something with her pole mates, too. So, like, you know, she's... So, are you tasking me with... No, I just told her that absolutely we could. I wish I had somebody.

That's different. That's different. I didn't... Wait, hold on. You can't dangle that carrot in front of a karaoke star. I want to have somebody I can task things to. I'll do it. Tell me to do it.

I'll do it. How much do you go for? What's... No, I'm playing with it. What I want to do... I must be nervous. Michael, I updated all the lights up there, right? Like pointing the stage.

But I want a drop-down screen from the light bar or from that truss so that they can see the lyrics because everything's on YouTube. You can't put it on the front screen. Well, you can, but it would be better for them to be able to see it, right? Yeah, but if they're staring at that TV. Sometimes you can't see it. What? Fuck off, Siri. Right? Yeah, but if they're staring at that TV... What the... Oh. Fuck off, Siri.

So, you need a fanny pack like bingo, because all your shit's always hanging out of your pockets. You lose your wallet, you lose your phone, and they're always drifting out of your old man ass. Are we doing karaoke? Is that the task? Not right now. No, that's true. No, she's not

here. Make it happen. But now the good thing is, now. No, that's true. No, she's not here. Make it happen. Make it happen. Aye. But now the good thing is now Michael can go home to the boss and say, yeah, we talked a lot about setting up karaoke for you. That's right. And she'll go, oh, because I thought it was only going to be 15 minutes, but it's been an hour.

I've got to go home and make dinner. I've got to go home and do the dishes. Do you cook food? Well, recently we started barbecue. It's a very famous show. That's epic. That was the poster. Oh, my God.

Yeah. We're watching The Graduate on TCM, and it's with Anne Bancroft and Dustin Hoffman when she starts to seduce him. Mr. Bean. Yes. What? My mic seduce him. Mr. Bean. Yes. What? My mic is down here. Oh. Stop staring at the screen.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What do you cook? What's your dish? No, I don't cook anything. But recently, there was a barbecue at that house that I never used. Never even thought about it. And about two months ago, I was like, let's see if I can fire this thing up.

And this is like one of these big, massive things with all sorts of different deals on it. Here she comes. Where am I? Put her on speaker. Hi, mom. Hi. Dashiell, let's go. Don't forget the goo.

Don't forget what? Don't forget the milk. Don't forget the milk. And what else? Dashiell, what else? Oh, shit. He drove himself. Hey, you're on the podcast, Jen.

Yes, I'm coming now. We were just talking about you. They're trying to set up a karaoke thing for you. Yay. But, Michael. Michael. Yeah. The reason why I'm asking you is because I don't want you to forget the milk.

He has no milk. No, I won to forget the milk. He has no milk. No, I won't forget the milk. Got any milk? No, okay. He said okay and hung up. That's all I'm good for, is milk. I'm just realizing you're going to have to drive after dark. Is it going to be all right?

I might end up in fucking the little house. i don't know where i'll end up but no i've got that little device now in in my car but we're gonna have to get you to the corner store to get milk and then you're gonna have to reprogram actually actually going up the hill there's one of those things that you mentioned before i circle k circle k know how to get there? I put it in my house and that will take me past the circle K. Okay. I can remember if you lived above or below. I have a question about your barbecue. I would love to see it.

I've started barbecuing and smoking. Are you sure you're talking about my barbecue? While we're talking, I am looking at the picture from the fan. Here's the deal. Have you started barbecuing? Have you started using it? Yeah, so I started using it, and it's one of these things, it's a

huge barbecue, and it's got like a thing that you can like make eggs in and a thing, like a drawer that you can separate side things. I used to be a, I used to barbecue a lot in another life. And so propane, of course. And so I started barbecuing.

And the great thing about this barbecue is it is the hottest barbecue ever. Constant heat. It's fucking unbelievable how fast it cooks steak. I mean, a nice New York steak is like 10, 12 minutes. And so far, I've been very lucky with it. how fast it cooks a steak. I mean, a nice New York steak is like 10, 12 minutes. And you don't, you know. So far, I've been very lucky with it. I've barbecued vegetables on it, put a little olive oil over the vegetables, put it in tinfoil, doing that, and doing the mushrooms, doing steaks, doing.

Oh, and I got fish tonight. I'm barbecuing fish. And I've never barbecued any of that stuff. So do I cook? No. But now that I got the barbecue working, now Jennifer's like fucking every night. She's like, yeah, let's barbecue tonight. Why don't we barbecue?

What do you mean? Why don't I barbecue? And you sit around and watch. Ask for milk. And look at your phone. Fucking chase that fucking boy with a butterfly net. They have a five-year-old that looks like he's 15. He is 15.

He actually drives. I saw him on a tractor down Arizona Road. I'm like, oh, no, that's cool. I let him drive on my lap. All right, we'll let you fucking get your milk. Yeah, I got to go home or I'm going to go into big trouble. I'm not going to see any of that. 40-year-old pussy.

Good work, Bobby. She doesn't let me look anymore. I'm glad you came in. I'm glad I came in, too. That's a surprise. Yeah. Now that I said that to her, you're going to have to do something. Yeah. Now that Chaley's actually her, you're going to have to do something. Yeah.

Now that Chaley's actually here. We're still recording, Michael. So until. Okay. Oh, by the way, I got into these last night that you gave me. Yep. Pretty fucking good. Then take the rest of them.

Nah, I've still got a few left. All right. Thank you very much. All right. That's actually from a fan. I didn't have my list of thank yous. You told me it was a redift. But whoever sent me, I have a stack of thank yous,

but someone sent me the chocolate Charlie candy. It had a nice letter to it. Oh, it's the guy from Elkhart, Indiana that bought bingo saxophone. Yay! Fucking all right. When is Arizona playing Sunday? Is that the last class? Yeah, that's it. Sunday, right? You know what time Arizona playing Sunday? Is that the last class? Yeah, that's it.

Sunday, right? You know what time the game is? Is it the early game? That'll be an afternoon game. Chris Bauer from Elkhart, which was a fucking fantastic show. See you guys. Thanks, Michael. Good to see you, sir.

We'll see you Sunday for football. If you can't tell from call, and I'm in Tucson, and I can't find my way around this. You got it. We'll point you home. Where are my keys? Oh, jeez. My sunglasses. My phone.

My good phone. Oh, left them in the car. You're getting fucking, you're getting Bisbee. By the way, you shouldn't. All right. We'll get to a shop. All right, Doug. We'll just.

He's sucking up to the bartender. Take us out of here, bingo, so we can walk this old man to his car. Okay. Bye-bye now. Thank you.