The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#428: The Demise of 40 for 40 (Day 40)

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

It's finally over. 40 days was the plan but not the reality. Doug and Chaille recap a bit. English Johnathan sits in to finish it up.  Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded Jan 5th, 2021 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), English John, Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - EXPRESS VPN - Get an extra 3 months FREE on a one year package. Go to https://www.expressvpn.com/stanhope and keep your data secure and prying eyes out.  Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - Brian HenniganSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, hello. Welcome to the same old year with a different number. I'm Doug Stanhope, and I'm with my friend Greg Chaley, and we're here to entertain you as best that we can. I'm going to start out with thank yous. A, so I don't miss them, but B, let's start with Lori Ellerson. Lori Ellerson sent a box. I was up in Phoenix for the new year and sent a box to Doug and Bingo. So Bingo opened it, only opened it enough to see the side of the box, which is a giant life-size train set for three-year-olds and up with a track.

Anyway, she's like, what the fuck is that? I don't know, a fan sent it. So I'm like, all right, I can see. We've gotten some weird shit. I can see a fan sending us a three-year-old fucking train set. It doesn't make sense. But I go, well, now we have someone to re-gift it to because Michael and Jennifer Bean have a five year old demon seed

child that all he wants to do when he comes over is have me push him in a stolen shopping cart that we have here. And now he can do it by his goddamn self. You did have him running around hitting people with a noodle and something else. Oh, spit wads.

Yeah, oh, that's who was that? Who did that? That was Mackenzie. Mackenzie spit wads. Yeah. Oh, that's... Who was that? Who did that? That was Mackenzie. Mackenzie. Mackenzie from Bird Cloud. She was here then when the kid... The kid was only allowed over here when I was drunk and went, I don't care.

So she got the kid to hit everyone with spit balls, taught him spit balls. And I didn't even realize until she just came back this time, oh, yeah, that was at the height of COVID. I never realized that was akin to poison darts. It was annoying on itself, just the spit wads. But then since they were basically hazmat spit wads. Hasmat spit wads. So,

Laura sent this box that I just assumed, like, bingo, was an actual kid's toy train thing. And then Chaley this morning said, what's in that big box? I go, some toy train a weird fan sent. I already promised it to the Beans

kid. And he goes, that's not a toy train. Look at the packaging. I didn't notice where Bingo hadn't unwrapped it the whole way. She just, this is nothing I want, and just left it half-wrapped. Oh yeah, this scotch tape, that's just a re-boxing of the coolest

shit. Lori sent us all these vintage pants and jackets and ties. The pants especially, because it's fucking really hard to find that kind of plaid vintage weird pattern. So, yeah, for all of it, thank you very much. And she also sent Bingo some shit. Bingo hasn't opened yet because I didn't tear half of her package off, see that I don't like it, and say give it to the beans. So thank you. Lori Ellerson Tracy is saying please email your address to stanhopestore at gmail.com.

She wants to thank you for that wonderful package. Some cutouts. I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but the last three, Ray Robinson, Patrick O'Donnell, and someone sent the cutout of just like a fucking eight-year-old kid or something. I don't know, there was no name attached, but the fucking cutouts still make me giddy.

Have you counted them? How many have you done? I think we're around 30. Yeah? They're all in the back of the minivan. We've got to figure out what to do. We can do better than that. I know.

What's the capacity for a first one? Yeah, I want to – One in, one out. Well, we're under a COVID watch, which I'll get to. But for Super Bowl, I would love to – I would love 80 because I think that was our top Super Bowl party. Attendance? Attendance. Attendance. Roughly 80. Give 50 more. I would love 80 because I think that was our top Super Bowl party attendance. Roughly 80.

Give 50 more. Just put fucking, just claim we have COVID. Sorry, no real people are allowed. Just cutouts. Sorry, I would be taking pictures of these cutouts, different ones in bed with me each night, if I could take pictures of myself in bed when I crawl in drunk. But I can't do that.

And no one's really around me when I fall down drunk to do it for me. But maybe one day. Erica. Oh, who's Erica? Fuck, I didn't write it down. What are you? Jamie. These are just thank yous jamie beansbury great name beansbury just said i think i don't know if it came with something i can't remember but it was a four page yeah it did come with something and i don't remember but thank you for whatever it was but it was a four handwritten letter, like a lot of fucking letters, too.

Single-spaced. Is that it, Trace? Single-spaced. Is she in prison? Looking for a pen pal. No. Oh, no, it's not written on the backside. Exactly.

We know our prison. Doing great, Mom. Doing great. Every one of these fucking notebook papers cost me a packet of coffee. Didn't you notice that on that one? We were dug that, that one series we were watching jailbirds or whatever they were, they had these little tiny pencils and they were writing like,

like three lines of, of scripts in one space on a, on notebook paper. They're writing really tiny. Yeah. Oh my God. And I, I've,

I've, I've communicated with people in prison a lot and they're the most boring fucking letters ever generally like they haven't learned how to write a letter since oh okay I finally figured out who Eric is

yeah like they haven't written a letter since they were hitting on a girl in sixth grade. Hey, what's up? What have you been doing? How's your son? Like, I'm not writing back to you. Stop with the fucking rhetorical questions. You had a correspondence with Victor, though.

I know, but that was more about me. I was able to use him as a viable diary source. And then he just right back. Really, he was a good guy. He had a lot of, for a death row guy, he had a lot of charisma. How'd that end up? He died. How'd that end up?

He was on death row. But he died of cancer long before. Just like everyone else on death row. They hardly kill them. They just make them fucking wait it out with the threat of killing them as they're dying of life. It's terrible. Erica sent us this melange cornucopia

of things that you would find at an Urban Outfitters. I don't want to name them all. There was alligator jerky that we're going to save for Kenny. I just prepared alligator for New Year's. Pink girl squirrel panties for squirrels.

Give that to Kenny. It's the only one that was notated. That was for Andy Andrist. Let's get a squirrel thing. So they're used? I don't listen to mine or his podcast, but I do Andy Andrist. Let's get a squirrel thing going on. I don't listen to mine or his podcast, but I do miss Chad Shank. Now that I guess this is supposed to be where we were ending that 40 for 40.

You brought it up. So this is the 40 for 40. Yeah. We never really talked about it in depth. I went 10 for 10. Solid. Yeah. The last 30 were a drag or a shutout. A shutout loss.

It was a blowout loss. A blowout. No, you went 0 for 30. He's a skunk. But my God, I mean, just look at the promise of the early season. And if we could recreate that. It's a building year.

Yeah. It's a rebuilding. We're repurposing. You're like the Eagles. I just read that today. What? They took out some of their stars on a clear bid to try and salt the mine for a better. Why would I possibly think you were talking about the musical group?

I don't know. Did you think that too? What? Wait, they got rid of Don Henley? Who did they cut? Who was left alive? Joe Walsh. Joe Walsh does fine on his own.

Yeah. You don't need no team. Great. I don't know how it came up, but... Oh, anyway, yeah, so, yeah. You know what? It's a fucking new year. It's a time for starting over.

If I quit and I succeeded, what would I do next? Quit something else? It's cyclical, these quitting things. You never quit quit. You never kind of quit. It's like a buffer quit. Yeah. You never quit quit. You never kind of quit. It's like a buffer quit. Yeah. You're very open about that and about, like, how, like,

if you're in a quitting mode and you got to take a smoke, you got to take a drag. I almost went fully vegan yesterday for a day. I forgot that milk and sour cream don't count. They count against you. Like, that's a penalty. Like, in college, that's not even in the rule. But in the pros of veganism, you cannot have sour cream on a fucking week-old half-baked potato that you microwaved because you don't want to waste.

But you know what? The anti-waster movement says, you know what? Fuck vegans. They accept me for who I am. The milk, though, I chugged a lot of. It's fat-free milk, so am I getting any animal protein? It's not cow-free milk. The vegan part is the

cow, not the fat. Well, I watched that fucking documentary that changed my life for at least four hours. Which one? It's called, uh, it's about being vegan and stuff. There's a bajillion of those. Game Changers. Thank you. Oh, Game Changers.

Game Changers. And Schwarzenegger. Yeah, Schwarzenegger's in it. I was wrong back then. Now, back then, you just eat meat for power. Why am I bothering trying to do a fucking Schwarzenegger? Who would I impress with that?

What was that movie, Tracy? The bodybuilder one. Oh, Pumping Iron. Pumping Iron, where he's like, milk is for babies. Drink beer. That's as bad as yours. Sorry. Yeah, you both are.

But it is a funny thing. That's vegan. Drinking beer and not UFC-ing cows. That kind of narrates the thing, brings you through it, and I'm like, fuck. Why would you watch that? Because it was 4 o'clock in the morning where I occasionally tend to wake up

in the last several months when on the nights I don't take downers and I sleep all natural, which means I wake up at fucking 3.30 in the morning and I put on anything on Netflix that I don't really care about, and I hope it puts me to sleep, but sometimes they catch and game changers caught my eye and then I changed my entire life until at least noon or one o'clock.

Same day. Yeah. After I woke up for the second time, I fell asleep. I can't eat a baked potato without sour cream. Great. Plus, I have sour cream I don't want to waste. And what else do you eat? Oh, my God.

Yeah. Pork chitlins. Pork chicharrones. Yeah. No, I had. Oh, yeah. Butter. I guess that's bad, too.

See, I guess I didn't watch the entire documentary. Well, they entirely go through the diet. They were just talking about how animal proteins. entirely go through the diet they were just talking about how animal proteins like well you get all your fucking animals get their animal protein from fucking vegetables i'm like all right that makes sense and the guy's talking about they had some fucking firefighters they were all fat and uh yeah they were on the diet and the guy goes yeah it was weird to eat a meal where i don't feel like i have to find the nearest couch to fucking lounge out on. And I actually have energy.

And that rang true in the mornings where I just have a smoothie for breakfast with no. Well, it does have yogurt in it. Sugar. Yeah, but they're not talking about sugar. That's the thing. There's all these factions. But I like factions because we're so polarized as a nation now. It's either this or that.

I like a dietician. Oh, well, you're anti-sugar. You're anti-carbs. You're anti-fucking-meat. You're anti-milk. I want to talk to Brett Erickson about this. If I could get on his podcast. He's a fucking fake vegan.

The point being, I get sluggish. If I eat fucking shitty fucking tater tots and bake it for breakfast, I want to just sit down and chain smoke and watch news or hoping for a new story. But when I do just the fucking. So you had like an epiphany during those first four hours? Yeah, there was like three different things. I went, fuck, yeah. And then I thought, yeah, there's a bunch of vegan shit I could eat.

Yeah, there's quite a lot, actually. Yeah, peanut butter and toast. Mm-hmm. You like that? Yeah, I like that. And jelly. But for the sugars. And you make a good vegan spaghetti sauce.

Yeah, I did make it. You want vegan spaghetti, it's in your guest house there. Is that where the sauce is? Yeah, well, I put make it. You want vegan spaghetti. It's in your guest house there. Is that where the sauce is? Yeah, put it out somewhere. I remember being really cold when I did it, but I remember to do it. But I'm going to freeze it tomorrow. Some people leave a bottle of wine when guests are over and they stay in the guest house. I didn't know they were staying in the guest house.

Fucking Mickey the Mutant AJ came back to surprise us and just walked in and they're only here for a night. back to surprise us and just walked in and they're only here for a night. The guest house I'm supposed to move into because I want to remodel it like The Minimalists, another documentary I watched on Netflix that inspired me to write down notes that I'll forget.

I'm going to stay in there and go, all sorts of ideas. You know that little oven that we'll never use? It's a gas oven from 1949. It's a gas oven from like 1949. It's like 28 inches across. It's like if my homeowner's insurance walked in and saw that unit, my fucking rates would double. That is nothing but a fucking fire hazard if you could start fire with it.

It's supposedly hooked up to gas. And so I'm looking at that like how could I fix this like I never want anyone using that no one needs to bake in a 300 square foot guest house when they just show up out of the blue after years of being in the fucking military and fucking having psychotic trauma

and COVID fucking AJ already had the COVID he said coming in as though he can't still spread it to us. But at this point, we all want to die. I thought that was a novelty oven in the little house. That was just to

hold a plate with a straw on it. Thank you for getting to my point. If we use the oven for, like, a sock drawer or something too like that, and I opened it up, and that's what was in there. A glass plate with a Fry's card, Fry's supermarket,

a straw, and a rusted razor blade, which, that might have been in there since before I bought this place 15 years ago. That might have been in here since fucking the Who stayed in here in 1979. Because who uses a razor blade? Can you even buy razor blades anymore?

Yeah, you can. Yeah, for what? You can still buy the double-sided, like the old school razor where you twisted the handle and it would open up. Yeah, yeah. You can still do it in there. The guy from Pawn Stars is chilling out. In the wall.

That's the one he breaks in half with his fingers and you cringe because you're on acid. So I actually did use the stove. The stovetop I used when I lived in the little house and the oven I used once and thought, this is stupid. I should just turn the gas off at the source. Because nothing else works like-

That's what that fucking bomber in Nashville thought in his camper. Yeah, I tried to make a pizza and it didn't work. Well, when you turn on the oven top, it doesn't make click-click-click sounds. No, no, no. You just have to assume gas is coming out of there. That has to be- The stove is fine.

You know what we should do? We should remove that and then sell it on vintage eBay. Because that is a old, old stove. Yeah, but what is it going to cost to put something in where that... A shelf? Yeah, a shelf would work.

I already told you what we should do. Oh, wait. Well, I don't remember. Induction top, heating surface, so you can cook ramen and heat up your spaghetti sauce. Induction top while I was... Yeah, induction is how that fucking poor Dutch girl got into the military.

She was conscribed. She's Dutch? Yeah. Induction? Induction oven. That's how you... The only way you can get... And I have an immigration lawyer that could attest to this

if he turned her microphone off, but you just trust me. The only way you can get a green card now is to do, how many years? Seven years of military service. Bravo. And that's from the Dutch. I don't know how much brown people have to do. 25 minimum. You can do it to get here

or you can do it after you're here and profiled either way you're doing a lot of years can I say thank you for a movie suggestion you and Bobby gave me and everyone else and if you haven't watched it I'd love a thank you from you you're screaming at me all the time

Doug thank you Shot Caller is one of my top movies for 2020. Caller. C-A-L-L-E-R. Shot. Yeah. Shot as in, it's like better help. It's with a P at the end. Shot shoot someone. Caller

like a first time caller, long time listener. Great movie. Shot Caller. I actually got a fucking email. I went through a bunch of emails today because I haven't answered emails in a million years. So I went through a bunch and one of them was, thank you for that.

From Sweden or something. Thank you for that recommendation. What else do you got? I'm like, alright. I'm not going to go through my recently viewed. I thought when you first brought up Shot Caller I literally thought it was the documentary about the guy that had taped the gun to his arm. And he had a collar around the guy in front of him so that they couldn't shoot. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah. Chad Shank was singing the praises of that. Maybe we can get Chad Shank back on the podcast. I miss Chad Shank so much I actually put him in my notes. We could zoom him in. Yeah, yeah, I know, but I don't know what... That's what made me think, oh, fuck, yeah, I was supposed to still be doing that 40 for 40 with Bobby. I hope that Chad knows that he's missed around here.

Seven. mist around here. Seven. But your wife says that you get upset or clenched about being dead. Being dead.

I'm not upset. John Roderick is someone I follow on Twitter. I enjoy the long pictures. She said that you're wicked into him, that you have blacklight posters over your waterbed of him staring down at you. Look, one blacklight poster of the long winters and you're vilified? Come on. No, I just, it's this thing.

I don't know anything that's going on with Bean Dad, right? I said to Tracy, I go, by the time this comes out tomorrow, no one will remember that was trending yesterday. That's how you were so shocked that I hadn't heard of it. You're like, you don't know Bean Dad? Yeah, it was just on news like three hours ago. That's what happens when you fucking eat animal fat and then you sit down and you start smoking

and all you do is refresh news. You're hoping for one news story that you care about. And then you read the ones you don't care about, like Bean Dad. And I have no idea who he is. But then I find out my manager, my true love, and my best friend, Greg Chaley, is losing his shit and collapsing into suicide hotline numbers to make sense of it all. I feel like I'm in character. Am I to rebut that? Was it just a statement?

I don't know. I feel like I'm in character this entire podcast. I feel like I'm trying to amuse Mickey the Mutant AJ, but unlike back when Derek and Brie used to sit in here and just not want to be here during a podcast, like, fuck off. They're laughing, so I'm with it. Can I get an edible, please?

Oh, yeah. So John Roderick has a couple of podcasts that I- I don't want to say anything funny while you're gone. John Roderick has a couple of podcasts. He's from Anchorage, Alaska. He went to high school with my sister-in-law, Amy. So, I mean, there's a connection there. And I found him.

That's why you fucking listen to Scotty Gomez's fucking blog. He's not from Anchorage. Yes, he is. Wait. Oh, shit. That's right. That's right. That's right.

He went out and came back. How dare you say my reference. John Roderick. My interrupting reference. How dare you say I'm wrong. John Roderick was the, he's on one with Ken Jennings, the number one winner on Jeopardy. G-O-A-T is how Newser said it. Called what?

Goat. Greatest of all time. That's how they describe it. Oh, that's what that means. They had a specific Jeopardy tournament that was- I thought it was like an E-guy. I remember the first time I figured it out. Why are you calling me a goat?

Oh, you didn't know that's what it meant? No. Oh, shit. No, I probably blocked a lot of people on Twitter thinking they were insulting me. You're the goat? Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy, too. He said yes to that.

So Ken Jennings and John Roderick have a podcast that i really enjoy tracy does too it's called omnibus it's great oh hold on and then uh what's that hold on i'm trying to he had a new year for the ice yeah what are you doing i mean i was just asked i thought you said i didn't like it and i think i was the one that bought his t-shirts no you do that's what i said you actually enjoy it as well all right right, pop me down again. So then, and he's in another one with Merlin Mann. That's

what I call Marilyn Manson when I'm really drunk. Merlin Mann. So it's someone I know a lot about from hearing him for a couple years now. Just in his demeanor and what he's like, right? And when Trace was telling me this, that people are up in arms on John Rudder, I thought she was fucking with me. And then the fact that you brought it up to her and being dad and everything, I'm like, this is stupid.

What the fuck is this? Who is doing this? They even made Reason Magazine, who i fucking love and it's like a media savior it's just rational buckets both sides of any coin or any side of any coin they even covered it today bean dad canceled first of all no one's fucking canceled like there's rare exceptions where people are no longer making a living because of Michael or whatever wiener guy. Yeah, he got canceled because he went to prison. But everyone else that says, you can't say this.

Yeah, you can. You can absolutely say it. So the fact that Reason Magazine is covering being dad is how desperate people are for content. I think it's a kind of a cool little thing. It's headline worthy. Bean Dad cancelled.

That is like, what? That's a clickable thing. Bean Dad? What the fuck? It's like Balloon Boy. Eventually he'll get pardoned. Is it alliteration? Is that the only thing we're going on here? No, no. That is not alliteration.

Balloon Boy was as silly as fucking Bean Dad. And the other one is... He got pardoned by the Colorado governor. The other one is Roderick on the Line with Merlin Mann. That's another great podcast. So I don't know the podcast. When you say you know his personality,

his persona that he puts off, because that reason alluded to that. Yeah. Is it similar to someone who read or saw Joey Diaz on Rogan?

I made him suck my dick for fucking stage time in a belly room. Where we know that's Joey Diaz just being fucking full of shit and funny. Would someone misread it? Roderick is a little more

well-spoken. I know, but would he be misread if you took him out of context? Anyone would be. If you distilled anyone's life down to one sentence and decided to judge them on the sentence that they had no choice in what was going to be displayed, everyone would fucking hate you. I mean, that's just what it is. People have taken one thing, which I don't even know what it is, but they've taken one thing. He made his kid learn, like, if you want to eat, you have to learn how to open a can of beans by yourself with this can opener

and made her sit for six hours trying to figure it out. It did take her six hours to learn how to use a fucking can opener. Look, she probably, for a while, decided I'm going to wait. I have no idea how old she is, but this is one of those things where I will vacillate. Where, fuck you, my mother, to teach us to swim, threw us into a fucking swimming pool in Tallahassee, Florida, when I was five years old. And you're terrified and you don't know how to swim. But a lot of people would use that as a badge of

honor. Well, you know, that's how I learned. My dad had put a cigar out on it. I'm not promoting bad parenting. It's never used as like, and that's what a son of a bitch my dad was. It's always like, that's how I learned how to swim. Exactly. We're paying for lessons.

You can at least show up. Yeah. How often did your fucking parents let you go with untied shoes? No, you're going to have to learn. My mother fucking burned my brother's fucking finger with a match after he got caught. Making a fire? Almost. All right.

That's what happened to us. Hang on. Jonathan Short. Good. You're on the podcast. You're on speakerphone. I'm superb. I was just going to see if there was anybody in the front of the house.

Yes, we have surprise guests from the past. Good stuff. I'll be up shortly. All right. Bye. Let me tell you the kind of person John Roderick is. This person, this bean dad thing, right? John Roderick is also the man who has been going on eBay and buying little figures, Star Wars figures,

and secretly hiding one a day around the house for his daughter to find. And the whole time going like, who's doing this? First of all, if she's so young that she can't use a can opener, she's going to choke on those. There's a warning on the package. She is not that young. She knows all of the Star Wars characters.

Look, I would... That's why he gets them for her. Let me put this forward. Sorry, did I step on your joke? No, no, you just... That was the joke. It's already done. There are probably a couple of millennials.

You could toss a can opener too, and they would go, which end do I start with? Which, which part do I hold? What's these legs? Yeah. Can I just order this from Grubhub? Do I just smash it? Yeah. We all, not all of us wrong to always speak for the entire fucking community,

but a lot of us grew up with parents who did things that they thought was, yeah, this is how you learn. And it's not all, I'm going to leave you alone in an Alaskan wilderness for a week with a fucking carbine hoping you can nail a moose or otherwise. You know what? That's how people learn to survive in the prehistoric age, except for the carbine. hoping you can nail a moose or otherwise. You know what? That's how people learn to survive in the prehistoric age, except for the carbine. The what? The.30-06.

How many... Carbine rifle, I think he was trying to go for you. I don't understand. I've had a .30-06. I've never heard it called a carbine. Carbine. Carbine. It's a rifle. Carbine. Hang on, we have a lady from the military, Mickey the Mute, our co-host. Carbine. She doesn't talk, but she will say, we have a lady from the military. Mickey the Mute, our co-host.

She doesn't talk, but she will say, okay, she says I'm right. Carbine. Okay. Tracy's being tutored on the side. I am being tutored. So, are you continuing to follow this thing? No, it's what I'm saying. It's a dead story.

By the time this podcast comes out tomorrow, yesterday's fucking... That made headlines in fucking reason.com. Yeah. And it's already come out that he's apologized. How do you... How dare you starve your daughter to death? Oh, I know. That's the most ridiculous thing.

Come on. Six hours without a can of beans. She can't open a refrigerator? No, exactly. At the same time, she can't open a can of beans. She's trying to figure out the beans, but she's eating other stuff. It was specifically beans. She wanted beans.

She's like, you have to learn to open it. So, you know what? What's wrong with that? He didn't lock the refrigerator and all the cabinets. She could eat something else. But if you want the beans, you're going to have to learn to fucking use a can opener. This is like the fucking dogs that... Well, he hasn't eaten all day.

Well, there's dry food down there. He just knows if he waits long enough, I'll give him wet food he prefers. That fucking dog is fine. Why am I worried about the dog that has free fucking food out there? That's your fucking cat. We have a magnetic, like the, what do they call those things? It's a screen with a magnet.

What? Like everyone knows. It's like a tent screen that shuts with a magnet. We have that, but it's plastic to keep the cold part of the house, you know, separate from the heated area. And your cat will not go through that barrier.

Which it doesn't take anything to push through it if anyone is around. But the minute he thinks he's alone, he pushes through it like a fucking bulldozer. And it's the same thing. But he yells when he does it. He's like, no! Look at me! Look at me!

Give that dirty man a drink. So when he does it. He's like, no! Look at me! Look at me! Give that dirty man a drink. So, yeah. This thing's over by the time this goes out. Yeah, but he apologized. It did bring up some good points about cancel culture. Stop!

There's a point where, when I was reading that, where comedians are feeding into victim culture in that they want to be perceived as people who can't say anything anymore. Yeah, you still can, but you're conceding to the same cancel culture that you're saying that you can't be accused of. They want to be victims in not being able to say something about other people who are perceived as victims, making themselves as much of victims. And it's just dumb. You can say anything you want.

You have a podcast. This is fucking. This is what people are potentially trying to fucking get someone canceled over. I know. And by the way, he doesn't have a real job. He's a podcaster. Successful podcaster. That nobody knows if you're me.

On his level, he's doing fine. Yeah. But why did you fucking apologize? Well, that's the weird thing. Was fucking Casper Mattresses and fucking fucking blue apron going to shut you off? Hamstring? Maybe. But what does apologizing doesn't bring the sponsors back.

That's the other thing. No one's going to come back if you go, well, look, cheat company that fired us. We're sorry. And I believe that there's Ray Dunovans out there, like people who just are experts at damage control publicity. And I thought that had to be the case until I met Johnny Depp. Like, wait, don't you have like a guy that spins off? No. Wait, don't you have like a guy that spins off?

No, but maybe apologizing the next day gives you two news cycles in which people learn about your podcast that have never heard of you because they don't know Greg Chaley. And maybe it's good press. Like, you wonder the machinations of machinations. Yeah, like all the political jockeying right now. I don't understand politics for shit, and it really doesn't affect my life. I'll be dead soon. It's your problem.

And it's actually never been my problem my entire life, is whoever's in office, wherever. Never really affected my life. Maybe you're a union guy. This one, I'll dare say, this one did affect your life in that all of us have been kind of subjected to COVID because of the idiocy in the White House. It could have been different. It could have been better. I'm just saying.

Could have been better, but it'd still be COVID. I'm still a 40-year fucking unapologetic smoker, except for a recent 10-day stint, which I might say was very successful. I read about that in Reason. They were talking. My 10 day stint. Someone tweeted. Slow news week. God damn it. I think it was I don't want to say the wrong name but it was one of those

is it Jason Lawhead? I don't think it's Lawhead. It's one of those guys it's like another guy from another guy's stable I hate to say that that sounds demeaning but you know

there's the uh Paul Verzi like the Verzi and Lawhead are like Bill Burr's stable Lawhead

Jason Lawhead I know Verzi cause he opens for Verzi and Lawhead are like two Lawhead yeah go two Lawhead? Yeah Go ahead The point is someone

I know that I probably haven't met but I know them through comedy channels tweeted something or all things comedy put the tweet out but it was his quote how long can you go in 2021 without telling us how many days you've been sober i retweet that because i'm guilty how many days

i haven't told you that i'm not sober out of the 40 i did way better at that there's a fucking lot of guys that I've kind of met this year or podcasted with this year via zoom you did a lot communicated with that I never knew before I never watched their shit and I'll I'll tell you at least a third of the time I see a lot of their names on twitter I go I don't really remember which one's which. I know I watched a lot of their specials. Sam Morrill, I remember him. Yeah, but there's a few. Nate Craig. Did you watch the Mark Norman special? Yes.

That was really good, too. Yeah, I only know it's good because I wouldn't have brought it up otherwise. But I don't remember what he looks like or what it's about. Jason Lawhead. You're right. Yeah. He has one of those names. His fucking nickname. Like, fucking.

He's got a podcast called Lawhead's Court. So, and he's, yeah. But he's with Bill. Mr Law Heads Court so and he's yeah he's with Bill Mr. Burr I still think of Legion of Skanks as like a Dave Attell protege

wait are you talking about Big J? yeah like I met him through Attell so I always think of him as an a tell guy. I know if anyone knows my guys, and they probably don't.

I think they came up in the same area, right? Yeah, and as an opener for a tell. He opened for him for a long time. Yeah, road guys. opener for Tell. He opened him for him for a long time now. Yeah, road guys. Rogan has his crew. Tell has his crew.

Who's Rogan's crew? Duncan Trussell, Ari Shafir. What's the open mic in the belly room? Fucking kill Tony. Those guys. Joey Diaz. He has a way bigger crew.

He has a way bigger crew than me. I go back to like Sean Rouse dead. Brent Clawson dead. Tony Hinchcliffe moved to Austin. Yeah, no, so did Red Band. So did

Joey Diaz. No, I think he moved to Jersey. Did he? I thought he was moving to Austin. That's what I saw. Oh, I heard he was moving to Jersey, and I thought that's a really shitty move. Yeah. I mean, it's just cold.

You overshot the runway. Just cold. How do you deal? So, COVID watch. Fuck, I have to piss. Take a break. Yeah, let's take a break because I have to read some stuff. So, yeah, we're going to have to bleep out all the news.

Pitch it to a break and then we'll do another and then we'll come back. We have to mute out Mickey the Mute. Yeah, she used to never say anything. Now she doesn't even want her name spoken. That's how mute she is. All right, I'm going to piss and then read ad copy. It's going to be great. Hey, this podcast is brought to you by ExpressVPN.

And the ad copy reads, talk about a time you searched for something online you wouldn't want others knowing about. Now I know what I'd be thinking. You guys, you're probably scared to find out that you even looked at my new special on the internet. You have to hide that from your employers. So why don't you just use incognito mode? Incognito mode doesn't hide your activity. It doesn't matter what mode you use or how many times you clear your browsing history, your internet service provider can still see every single website you've ever gone to. That's why even at home, I never go online without using ExpressVPN. Doesn't matter

if you get your internet from Verizon or Comcast, ISPs in the U.S. can legally sell your information to ad companies. ExpressVPN is an app that reroutes your internet connection through their secure servers so your ISP can't see the sites you visit. ExpressVPN also keeps all your information secure by encrypting 100% of your data with the most powerful encryption available. Most of the time, I don't even realize I have ExpressVPN on. You know when I used ExpressVPN, Chaley? China. When we did that whole Southeastern tour, when we did China and Hong Kong, like, oh yeah, you can't get Twitter in China.

And I was like, fucking great. Get me off Twitter. Anyway, ExpressVPN is available on all your devices, phones, computers, pay phones, fax machines, even your smart TV. There's no excuse for you not to be using it. Protect your online activity today with the VPN rated number one by CNET and Wired, visit my exclusive link and no one will ever even know you went to my link because you have ExpressVPN. Oh no, you don't have it yet.

This is how you get it. Visit my exclusive link, expressvpn.com slash Stanhope, and you can get an extra three months free on a one-year package. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-s-v-p-n.com slash Stanhope. Expressvpn.com slash Stanhope to learn more. What else do they have to learn? I told them fucking everything. You're right.

What? Are we recording? Yeah, okay. Because, yeah, that's something that we might not want to put out there. Mickey the Mute, who is, as I said, a Hollish...

Yeah, a Neanderthal. A Hollish? Yeah, from Hollishdale. But she's from fucking Amsterdam, which is in Hollish, which is a Neanderthal country. What?

The fucking orange jerseys in World Cup. They're Dutch, but yeah. Hollish? That's what he's saying for Dutch. Oh, okay. All right. You're from Hollish. Nether Hall.

Nether Hall. Got it. Yeah. Nether Hall. Nether Hall. Got it. Yeah. Nether Hall. Neander's. Meandering Hall-ish dam. Okay. Point being, AJ secrets her into the United States under what duplicity, we don't know.

And now, all of a sudden, she's in the military. Our military. Yeah. The right sudden, she's in the military. Our military. Yeah. The right military. She's in a military, and now she's bragging, because they came down from wherever they, you know, shitty town they have military bases in to pick up their shit from storage

from when they lived here, and she's just bragging, oh, the army pays for everything. And you know, she has a separate deal as a hot chick than other army people that were just going to maybe get community college after they lost a limb in Iraq. And now she's like, oh, yeah, I guess they take the green M&Ms out of my fucking dish in my green room. Well, everything's green in the military. It's all of drab. Ha ha ha, she says like a diva. Now all these fucking army guys are gonna go, what's the fucking mute cunt fucking

getting all these perks for? No, that's how they talk. It's locker room talk in the military. Locker room. Anyway, yeah, go pick up your fucking free meal. Go get your comps from order extra appetizers they're paying for it yeah i mean we thank you for your service would you be more upset about uh someone uh like should people be thanking you for your service now that you're in our great, great military, the best military?

Well fed. Or should people just be denigrating you for stealing jobs that Americans don't want to do? That's your answer for Mickey the Mute. She doesn't talk. She doesn't care to eat. The new co-host. Americans don't want to do military jobs. That's why females of a female persuasion, she's doing.

I know who you, the listeners, love and find the most manly component of this podcast. Generally, that's Chad Shank. He was a mechanic in the army. And you know what this frail little Dutch girl does in pigtails and all of drab? She's a mechanic in the army now. You know why? Because Chad Shank didn't want to do that job anymore. So we have to go over to fucking

Neanderland, get all these fucking frail women, probably at gunpoint, drag them in here, and go fucking change the oil in six hours or you don't get to drive. And that's why her podcast Hollish Girl in the Army. Hollish, that's why her podcast

Hollish Girl in the Army Hollish, that's what it is. You've never changed oil, that's why you think it takes six hours. No, it's a fucking callback to opening beans for fuck's sake keep up with my beautiful translation of this podcast. Yeah, okay, that's a stretch.

It's a big stretch. I know, it was a stretch that was worth it I thought you were going to do something with carbine Or 30-06 Super elastic bubble plastic reference It was a stretch Armstrong reference That's how much I stretched You remember the smell of that stuff?

The super elastic bubble plastic It was different than Play-Doh There was a petroleum smell It felt like it was off-gassing something to get you high. Funny you should mention that. What's in your hand right now, Valentina? Silly putty. No, it's not silly putty.

It is something that Erica sent us in that one gift basket I just thanked her for. Wacky wad? Yeah. A knockoff? This is one of the things she sent us. What's he got? Mini galactic putty. Yeah.

Now, you want to talk about super elastic bubble plastic. On the back of it, it's like Urban Outfitters' little jar of fucking putty. It says, Do not eat. Keep away from hair. Keep away from pets. Wash hands after use.

Do not use on broken or abraded skin. Do not leave on porous or wood-finished surfaces. And then there's a $2.49 price tag over the last major warning that we'll never know. And what's she doing there? Fingering it. Just like super elastic bubble plastic. Well, super elastic bubble plastic, you would We should be sponsored by Google

for all our dated references. Google should fucking be sponsoring us. Google hits a spike right now on super elastic bubble plastic. You'd put a pea-sized blob into your hand, poke a straw into it, and then blow to make a balloon, which was like

you can buy balloons. This thing just gets on the furniture. We were just doing non-reusable. This is what we've been doing during football because football and tomatoes are two things I will never just convince myself I don't

like anymore, so I keep buying them and consuming them. But Valentina has a full tricep tattoo of Pat the Patriot from the Patriots. And she's only 30 years old. Are you going to update it with some dreadlocks? But I said, I'm going to get a tattoo that size that has a crossword puzzle. Because that's what we do during football. And the New York Times Sunday crossword, which is exceptionally difficult. But Sunday's the hardest.

I never did a crossword puzzle in my fucking life since I was a child, maybe. But now, yeah, the local paper is... Sierra Vista, Sentinel, or whatever. It's not as hard as I thought it was. So now what we do with the New York Times, because it's so fucking, we just pass it around. Okay, you try to get a few, and then we just pass it in a socially distanced circle on the patio during football. And that was this last week's was like toys. And that was this last week's was like toys. First of all, Tracy excelled at fucking like Rubik's Cube. But there was one that was, I don't even remember the answer.

What toy from the 70s was. Let me see if I can get it. Okay. Was. The Frenchman? No, no. The one that said it was discovered at first being a wallpaper cleaner. It was a substance to clean wallpaper, and it turned into a toy was basically the clue.

Do you remember what it is? Yeah, I eventually got it. What was it? Because we had wrong answers for some other ones. Wallpaper cleaner that turned into a toy get it. That turned into a toy. Yeah. I don't, is it? Pet rock.

No. No? You had, Valentina had Play-Doh on one of them, but I forget the clue. But was that, that wasn't. Oh, wait,

that might have been that one. That was the. That might have been that one. There was one that Silly Putty was the answer for. Wait, was it Silly Putty? What was the fucking answer? That was the astronaut one.

Oh, astronaut one was Silly Putty. Okay was the fucking answer? That was the Astronaut one. Oh, Astronaut one was Silly Putty. Okay, you're right. British Jonathan got it. He didn't even have toys growing up in England. What was the wallpaper cleaner? What was the wallpaper cleaner? It is Play-Doh. Play-Doh.

Yeah, it was Play-Doh. Really? Yeah, you'd peel shit off. Remember, you'd peel comic strips. Yeah, but you're not taking off wallpaper. No, you're cleaning it. Cleaning it. Oh, clean.

I didn't listen. Anyway. Wait, did you bring not taking off wallpaper. No, you're cleaning it. Cleaning it. Oh, clean. I didn't listen. Anyway. Wait, did you bring up anyone, Jingeril? Yeah, I don't really like tomatoes. I think you're the one who got me into eating tomatoes because you would always serve. Totally. You never used to eat tomatoes. Thanks.

I'm going to go get your Jingeril. They're horrible on my stomach and my acid reflux. But I do enjoy tomatoes now, and I think it's because of you. Because you would serve things with a big, thick cut. But those heirlooms. Yes. Even heirlooms don't always taste the same. Cherry tomatoes I've found at the farmer's market are fun to just cut in half and salt a half and eat it.

Yeah. See, I'll do that now. And I don't remember when that happened, when I changed from non-tomato to tomato. Well, when they stopped tasting like they used to. Just like Count Chocula used to have a fucking, like a half a pound of fucking powder at the bottom of a box of any junk cereal. Crack. Cereal crack. Yeah, but now they're all like glazed instead of powdery.

Wait, when did you buy fucking Count Chocula? As soon as I found out it was still for sale and I thought, oh. It's been for sale since the 70s. Yeah, but I. Seasonally. I know, I stopped eating junk cereal and I thought that just went away because you don't see it advertised. Wait, for more than four hours? When's the last time there was a

fucking Frankenberry commercial on the air? That'd be fun to look up. Don't look it up and email me. No. Google's hitting a spike on Frankenberry commercial on the air. That'd be fun to look up. Don't look it up and email me. I forget I said it. Google's hitting a spike on Frankenberry right now. Wolfenberry. That's one people don't remember. And the mummy one, I don't remember.

And yeah, please look it up and email me the answer because it keeps you involved and I just delete it. You won't read it. Yeah, I'm not trying to fucking be clickbait podcast. We're under COVID watch here, I keep alluding to. Because when I went up to Phoenix to see Barnabas, have they even brought up Barnabas in this? No. Not in the podcast.

That was before the podcast started. Oh. We should never speak until record and then end and then not talk for a week. And then we'll know what we said on the podcast. We're close to it. I know. We are getting close to that. I miss you.

So Barnabas, that dog that I found and then I was going to keep and then I didn't keep because he was a fucking nightmare terror, but a fucking beautiful terror. I've never loved a fucking thing more in my adult life that I remember a week later. Barnabas the dog got a house up there in Phoenix, and Mackenzie was coming back from Tennessee to meet the mutual friend that owns the dog, and I go, I'm going to go walk the fucking dog. I'm just driving four hours each way, I'm going to go walk the fucking dog. I'm just driving four hours each way, eight hours round trip to walk a fucking dog.

Cause that dog is that great. And I couldn't have him because of my cat. My cat wouldn't come home because that dog would eat it. So thought my cat, I walked into that fucking house. Barnabas is sitting there with two other big German shepherds and two cats crawling all over him. Happy as fuck.

And I say, God damn it, now it's all on Meatwig. It's my cat's problem. You have the issue with dogs. That dog is fine with cats, and you're the problem, and now he won't come back to talk about it because all those dogs were down here. After we went to Phoenix, well, they said, oh, well, let's extend our vacation and come to Bisbee. We'll bring the dogs.

And goddammit, I couldn't wait for that fucking dog to leave. Yeah, he's still a big puppy. I know. He's this giant it's not a hundred pounds, but he's a hundred feet tall. He leaps seven foot fences now.

Yeah, he just constantly needs attention. I said to fucking Olivia Grace, don't get me started on that. When I walked into the compound when the dogs were here, it was early in the afternoon. It was like 10 o'clock, right?

So no one was really up. And I'm like, oh shit, those dogs are here. They come in the front gate. But I'm a little on guard. I mean, I don't know the other dogs that are here. They're German Shepherds. I was attacked by a dog when I was a kid. So I had a real problem with dogs for a while.

And that fucking goofy motherfucker, Barnabas, like flopping out, comes running towards me, and then does the, like thing and i went right to my like like this says cesar what is his name cesar cesar yeah i immediately like like i don't know this fucking dog i don't know what they're training him up in phoenix right and i went into that thing and not only did that dog back down like a pussy, but the other dog's like, it's on you. I'm not involved. I'm just walking to the market.

I have nothing to do here. I would love to have fucking Cesar Milan down here with either Henry Phillips, my dog, or Barnabas as an episode of Mythbusters. Henry Phillips has hated me for 13 years. Fix it.

That dog fucking vaults seven-foot fences like he's Jesse Owens at the 1938 Olympics in Munich. Fix it. Okay. We have directors cut. We edit this how we like.

Barnum is his weirdness, though, is that he'll growl at girls. No, we trained him that. That's how we trained him. He growled at Olivia and Stephanie. Only ones on their period. If they're on their period, he'll growl. Olivia and Stephanie, he growled at. But he did that when you originally got him.

They don't look like girls. Oh, all right. We'll go with that. But they don't growl at girls. Hey, Jonathan, this mic is hot if you want to sneak in here. I still haven't got to why we're on COVID watch. I don't know what that means. If you want to come over, your fucking Steph just tweeted today,

and I've got no follow-up, that some MAGA lady just yelled at me about my appearance. Yeah, it was on Twitter. It wasn't in the show. You can sit down and get on the mic. Oh, on Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right. Was it in Bisbee?

I thought it was like a neighbor that fucking, she's got a mohawk. And, you know, it's not a woman thing to do. My hair is mohawked and dying red right now. So I like to think it's more of a man thing. But I was on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. She was probably just stirring up as well. My God. Some people are just

so desperate for a response. They just make fun of either. You forget to. You said your instead of your or they go. You do that to me all the time. Learn it. I mean, come on. Seriously.

When you're in the heat of the battle... The grammar battle? Is that what we're talking about? And Twitter doesn't let you edit, which is fucking bullshit. Well... Let you edit? Oh, you mean go back and fix it? Fix the your and your.

Yeah, no, the point is, when you're going that desperately for a fucking slam, unless it's someone trying to talk about how good looking they are when they're ugly as fuck, I've had, like,

I can be irresponsibly cruel with a fucking sniper's lens. You could have stopped at cruel, period. Yeah, but I'm saying from a distance, I can. And there's been a couple occasions recently where I go, yeah, just don't do that. It's a punching up situation, which I don't always agree with. Sometimes you

have to punch down, because sometimes down is playing down to look up, if that makes any sense. Sometimes some people are playing possum, and sometimes, yeah, you wouldn't want an angry fucking possum in your bed. Unless he's eating a

carrot with those cute little hands. But yeah, there's a couple times. One of them's still fucking strong in my mind and I'm fucking just evacuating my brain of that thought where you go, I will fucking ruin you. Like, I will fucking absolutely ruin you.

And you go, no, no, that's not how I want to spend my day. That's the weed talking. No, no, no, that is, that that someone fucked over a friend of ours really hard. And you know what? Other people are taking the fucking. Let's do COVID. COVID watch. Let's do that.

Oh, good. Because that's one person. This is one of the problems I thought about. Anytime I'm trying to address an issue that I don't want to name names and it's not that time, if you don't name names, a million people are going to somehow construct that into he's talking about me. I'm not talking about you. COVID related person who I keep addressing. I'm not talking about you at all. One of our friends, when we came back from Phoenix New Year's

with the dogs that didn't have a dry cough at all. Well, one of our Bingo's friends, well, our friend I shouldn't just pigeonhole him as he's Bingo's friend now now that he's like, oh, I

talked to your neighbor up the street i was at a bar on new year's eve and i talked to her and then the next day i get a text oh yeah that lady has covid i'm like oh fuck actually no it worked backwards from that this is was this was the delayed spit take i took where i got the the notification when we got back, oh, so-and-so has COVID. And then I told Bingo, oh, yeah, our neighbor has COVID. And she goes, oh, that's funny. I have a funny story about that neighbor. Our friend was talking to her for a long time

on New Year's Eve at the bar the last night. They were in a bar as well. Yeah. Wearing masks. Out and about at a bar. Out and about. During COVID restrictions. After she had been on a plane. She told him a long story about stuff that you go, that's not even right. So I'm involved

in the story about, that's not actually true. If that's what she told you, that's not true. But town gossipy, like, nah, it didn't really work like that. So it wasn't until five minutes after I hung up the phone, I'm like, wait, that friend of yours that talked to COVID lady was in here last night when fucking Bird Cloud and her girlfriend was here. And they're all hugging each other. I'm like, fuck, contact tracing. Spit take. So now we have been, so now that that friend was our friend,

for the next, I guess, nine days more, I don't know. Yeah, he's her friend. We've all, like, yeah, we're all... I guess we're all doing that, making up what quarantine means to me. Well, it was an excuse to sort of tell people not to come to football, so... It was shit. Kind of a great thing. And now, now that football's in playoffs, no one cares about the funhouse.

We don't need five different fucking screens of different games because there's only one game on at a time yeah Seattle yeah who gives a fuck yeah no I love that game because I don't like either team so I

it's guaranteed one of them leaves well we know we that's in. We could still do the... My idea, we used to do a... I don't know if what you guys do for football pools and whatnot. I know what a suicide pool... I'm talking to listeners now. For one time I addressed them.

Poor souls. We used to do a playoff pool where it's a blind draw and you pull a team that are in the 12 teams, now it's 14 teams in the playoffs and everyone pitches in

10 bucks and whoever wins gets the pot. Whoever pulls the team that winds up winning the Super Bowl. But that sucked because, especially this year, if you picked NFC East where you have a fucking losing team that's guaranteed to never... So this year I thought it would be funny to do it the other way where there's no buy-in. You all draw a team and whoever gets the Super Bowl winner has to pay the other 13 people $10.

So it's a $130 bad beat. Sorry if I don't live up to your standards of fucking whale wagering. But, yeah, $10, that's why we didn't do it, because we don't know 14 people. You can rub two fives together. No, no, that would come here for football. We have three of the elderlies who are probably on a

fucking strict pension. Well, it would financially ruin most of them. That's what I'm saying. Kenny and Derek having to come up with $130. I can't go lower than where I'm at. So I still think it's a great idea. Fuck, You know what?

We still have a couple of days to put this at play. We can do this virtually with people and money and do it for a fucking $100. Oh, okay. Fucking Sal and Quinn. I haven't talked to them in forever. They love a fucking gamble. Quinn and Sal were in the football pool for, like, he paid, I think, three years in advance or something. Oh, wow.

I don't think we ever put him in for the other two. No, we definitely did. Did we? We did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did. Smarter people were in charge because I don't think I even knew about that. No, that would be funny.

And all goes to charity. Well, I'm going to start a charity. Yeah, let's be friends of Bisbee Animal Shelter. That's where you should go. Yes, that's a good cause. Yeah, no, I'm sorry. I'm rapid cycling now. I had to stop and think.

That edible is starting to kick in. You just kicked in, yeah. It's starting to. I can see it in your eyes. It graduates to a better place. Your mohawk flattens when the edible kicks in. It's wet dye. Tracy, you're not helping.

So, yeah, Tracy's writing that down. Thank you. I have had a lot of good ideas lately. There might be some changes with the podcast. I've talked to Chaley about some of the other stupid ideas waiting to be shot down. And I went, I just had this fucking brilliant night and I had a notebook full of weird things to do this year. And I thought you were going to dismiss me.

And you went, oh yeah, that would be funny. And you go, oh, and this is how the camera angle. We have to have a meeting about the camera angle. I want to start doing that as soon as possible. Can we go back to the podcast thing? What's going on? Do I need to know? I mean, we're in January of 2021 right now. I know, but what's a fucking random number?

I was trying to rush that, but I also, by fucking this weekend, I have to have all the new material for the print version of the book ready. So I'm ignoring that, much less just a brief. It's no major changes, listeners, but something I think is important. Thank God 40 for 40 is over so you can start writing again and smoking. What a relief to have crossed the finish line. This is the smarmy fuck I thought I was going to get when I woke up and I went,

listen, I haven't, I woke up with a notebook of brilliant ideas, not went to bed with it was a, this was a sober thing where I, and I thought, Oh, I hope Chaley doesn't Brian Hennigan me and go,

Oh, whatever. Dude. I thought that was such a great idea that I, that night was cycling through my head. How we would like, Oh, we could Dude, I thought that was such a great idea that I, that night, was cycling through my head how we would like, oh, we could do that through OBS. But maybe we don't do it. Maybe we just have you do like you just your face or do a picture in a picture.

Yeah, I thought it was a great idea. When I say I need a meeting with you, all I need is you to... Nod? No, I need you to know how we use, how the need is you to... Nod? No. I need you to know how the equipment is going to work and know that it can be ready. Well... Because it's not a hard thing to pull off. I can call James. Inman?

Inman can give us a hand. Oh, my God. Sorry. Fucking invasive thought. Put it out. Put it out. Put it in a box on the back Sorry. Fucking invasive thought. Put it out. Put it out. Put it in a box on the back shelf. James Inman.

And he thought, think of a bad, bad person that fucking eviscerated. I have to tell you, lately, I've been very impressed with his showings. Oh, shit. Yeah, he's been... Crazy, right? Yeah. It's not just me? Yeah.

I think I stuck up for him once live and paid for him to come here. But even after that one time... The same villain appears again. After the one podcast... What? Nothing. After the one podcast where we kind of wound up pretty good, in the follow-up, when I

emailed him and stuff like that, he was just as much of a prick. He'll always be a prick. Lately, when I do a follow-up, I'll do a follow-up with Henry Phillips when he was on the live stream, and Glenn Wool. I'll do a, hey, thanks a lot. That was really cool.

Inman, in the last two or three, has been like, dude, that was so much fun. I'm like, I'm usually like, you motherfuckers. And I'm like, whoa, I didn't even say anything yet. Yeah. It was really shocking. He's been civil. Civil.

All the way around. And yet, like, I don't cringe when someone goes, maybe we should bring Inman in on this. I'm like, yeah, I think I'll text him. But yeah, as long as he's not physically here. Even though last time he was here physically, he was fine. No, he was not. Oh, my God. You don't remember at all, really.

He was not. It wasn't as bad. It was a get me Adderall. And then once he had Adderall, he was just a regular Inman. I don't remember. Do you remember the sheriffs had to show up to eject him from the hotel in Vegas? No, that's Vegas. I'm talking about in our house.

Okay, that's still a thing. I remember the time he was tramping up and down fucking Hazard Street going, Where's those damn cops out of their house? I fucking knew fucking all the parts. Fourth of July. Four in the morning. Yeah, actually fifth of July. And we were playing music at a moderate level.

Colleen was here. Yeah, it was fun. And yet we all had to hush, hush. Because it's fucking like the town crier was running, walking down the street looking for Doug. Listeners, you have to understand. Looking for Doug. Listeners, you have to understand, we are in an enclosed outbuilding right here in the Funhouse, where with doors closed, our neighbors two streets away can probably hear us podcasting too loud.

They can hear the TV. So this is a guy, you know, the most desolate. He's on the fucking moon screaming at pods. Where's Doug Stanhope's house? We had to drag him in. We would have let him go, but we had to drag him in because he was making so much noise and using Doug's name. But it's like, from where we're at

now to there, he had to go by like 25 houses. I know you're here somewhere! Yeah. Maybe we could schedule a dinner. Me and you and Tracy

at least and talk about the future. That's COVID. We can't go anywhere. I know. A lot of it has to do with our schedules. What if we made a dinner and you came into our house? That would be weird. I couldn't smoke. Unless Sh we made a dinner and you came into our house? That would be weird. I didn't smoke.

Unless Shailene made a dinner. Tracy's clothes after she comes up here in the funhouse to serve drinks is as egregious as smoking a cigarette. Told you, Tracy. Always strip butt naked before you leave here. That's what I used to have to do when I worked in a cannery

and I was sitting at my... That's really I used to have to do when I worked in a cannery. Whoa, whoa. That's really a thing? When I was staying at my friend Tanya's house, we were living in her house for the summer, the cannery summer, and we got into the garage. We had to take all of our clothes off. Your wets. Before they went to the cannery. No, not because they're wet.

Hey, does your roommate have her period? You're scaring the tuna. The dog's barking. Yeah, her mom would never let us into the house. She's on her courses. We had to be in our underpants. I thought you were scaring away the crabs. Oh, boo.

That's a strong period joke. I can't get being dadded for nothing. I'm thinking of a drug dog that is alerted to drugs, but like a drug dog that's just alerted to crabs. I thought you were going to say period. Did I eat edible? The ShadyDell.com. That is where you stay.

If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. we look for reasons to go stay there. Come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by. I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast.

Mm-hmm. I've felt edibled for days without... You definitely did today. Yeah, no, I did today. I did at 4 o'clock in the morning when I woke up wait you get up and drop I had a fucking great dream that I swore I'm not going to try to describe

to anyone else I shut off podcasts or books on tape or fast forward them if they try to describe a dream but it was so fucking good and I go alright I'm going to just take an edible it's 4 in the. And I go, all right, I'm going to just take an edible. It's four in the morning.

And I keep thinking I have some schedule. I have to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow. Betterhelp.com. You know, I found out my sister-in-law is a therapist on BetterHelp. Are you allowed to say that? They don't know who my sister-in-law is. They didn't buy this podcast.

She loves it. We're just a fan. She loves it. She's doing, she does tele-counseling anyway. Yeah. Yeah, and I mentioned that you were such a fan of BetterHelp. She goes, oh, yeah, I work for them. Yeah, I might be doing some of that myself, but not for BetterHelp.

I thought, why don't I fucking mix Cameo with better health? Let's table that. We'll put a pin in that and talk about it later. Yeah, yeah. That's why we have to have dinner together. Now that we have Omaha Steaks burning... Not a sponsor at all. Also not vegan.

Not vegan. Super not vegan. That's where I give you the rest of the Beyond Burger spaghetti sauce I made. I'll take it. And then you just keep shoveling angel hair pasta into your face while I say men are talking. But you were invited to the table. And that's like what Kamala Harris is doing right now. Just enjoying the angel hair pasta, keeping her fucking mouth

shut for at least two months until she becomes the rightful president. She will be the first one to be president. No, when he dies. I'm giving him until March. Oh, are you talking about... I'm giving me and Biden the same over-under. March 25th is my birthday.

You can send presents early because I might not make it. I might not make it. He might not make it. But if we're both dead, we'll have the first Asian-African-American woman lady. President. And that'll be a great day. And I hope I'm there to see it. And Joe Biden, I'm not saying I hope he isn't.

But who says I hope we both win the Super Bowl? Maybe he can just tag team like in wrestling. He can just tag her. He'll go, I'm tired. I'm sleepy. Speaking of tag team, we have three dudes, two chicks. What do you say we beat them into making us dinner? All right. These are fucking all cancelable events, and I'm just not good at it.

He's so trying to get canceled. Yeah, I think I'm an edge lord. Hey, do you want some questions, Doug, from Patreon? Oh, great. Yeah, if you're listening to this, you can always go to Patreon, patreon.com slash Stan Hope Podcast

and help support the podcast. And thank you everyone in 2020 that did because it saved our fucking bacon, my bacon at least. So thank you very much for doing that. Nate Assenheimer. I think that's a fake name. Wait, Assenheimer? Didn't I go to school with an Assenheimer?

Weisenheimer. Oh, yeah. That's what the shop teacher called you. No, he said you can't hang around with that Weisenheimer. Oh, yeah. That's what the shop teacher called you. No, he said you can't hang around with that Weisenheimer anymore because he rubs off on you. And I thought it was a masturbation reference. I didn't know it was a behavioral thing. He did rub off on my chest, but my attitude remained the same. I don't remember who was there.

I sleep with a blackout mask. Happens a lot. All right. So Nate asks, hey, Doug, Shaylee, I was looking through an old journal of mine and found a quote I wrote down on September 10th, 2018. It is, got a new lease on life, but I'm still missing payments. I don't know where it's from. And I don't think it's a song lyric.

I want to know if it was a Stanhope line. No, it's not. But it reminded me of I have hooker money and my life is still a shambles, which was one of my quotes that was never in my act, but on a secret video recording that

I recorded of myself forgetting that I recorded it. Doing hallucinogens. I don't know if it was acid or mushrooms, but it was that same night I fucked that hooker with the fire bellows. If you know that story, if you don't know that story, you need to go back and do due diligence on the entire. Why?

You know what? Hey, listeners, fucking respond to me about this. This is something Hennigan said. You might be the first living comic that could put out a box set of all your shit. And I go, I'm not against that. So what happened with that, Hennigan? Sitting up there fucking drinking old turkey?

You don't want to answer. Well, part of the issue is that you've got things... Oh, shit. We should focus on this. But you've got things issued from different companies that, like, producers. So it would be a thing where you... Yeah, but...

At this point... I think... Sorry, I just listed... I've quoted it twice now. The touch-tone terrorists. You should have shipped it a little bit sooner. It's one of the best prank calls ever recorded. Touch-tone terrorists. Where do you get that?

Google. Oh, my God. Look, Google is spiking. Touch-tone terrorists right now. I bet it's on Bing, too. Is there not an upcoming No one. Bing Bing is what Microsoft people do

because they're forced to use Bing You should have shipped it a little bit sooner then. It's the best prank call ever recorded. I was fucking getting Valentina into Jerky Boys which you'd never heard of and then I went oh wait there's even one better fucking the Touchtone one better. It's fucking the

Touchstone Terrorists. Anyway, what was the question? Jerky Boys and Touchstone, were they contemporaries? No, Touchstone was later. Okay. What was the quote? What's that?

The quote was, got a new lease on life, but I'm still missing payments. Yeah, not me. It doesn't even sound like a comic. It's like a bumper sticker. Yeah, well, it's something clever that a comic that was unknown would come up with

that someone else would co-opt. Kyle Cease. Make into a meme. And then the fucking nationalism meme. I still get nationalism does nothing but teach you how to take pride in accomplishments you had no part in and something else. I don't even remember my own quote, but the memes do. And still for years, since Trump, that's been going around not credited and people go this is a direct

rip off of Doug Stanoff yeah it is but it's more important that the idea is out there than I get credit because I don't get fucking rent money for credit so a question about that obviously people like

put your stuff out all the time you've been you've not ever shied away from saying steal my stuff just pass it on kind of thing so no when it's a fucking when it's a when it's an important view because i remember people oh he's like a wannabe Bill Hicks. Just because the premise is similar. Not even any of the jokes or the direction. Yeah. Why would you shit on people who have important ideas?

No one's going, oh, someone else talked about porn. They're stealing from you. Yeah, this guy, I just saw it in open mic. He talked about going to a strip club for his first time. Didn't you do that

the first time you went to a strip club? The comedy police. Like, you're ignoring important ideas for the sake of... I mean, it started... But with your direct material you have a statute of limitations on stuff that you're trying to flog at the time

saying, please don't link this. Like the Vimeo stuff. But after that, after the statute of limitations... Yeah, that's on tour. That's the whole thing of like, why the fuck are you recording this? But as far as people saying someone's stealing from you or you're stealing from someone else, when they're

what's a worse word for proletariat? Like, you're a fucking hump. You're a ticket buyer. You don't know what we... I tweeted that today. Someone said I fucking... What's... Find the fucking... I was hoping you were looking for it.

You're playing with the fucking toxic... No, it's a candy crush he's it. You're playing with the fucking toxic. It's a candy crush. He's doing. Oh, it's the toxic, silly putty. I thought he was looking it up. As I tweeted,

someone said, yo, what's up with everyone saying segue? I learned. Yeah, I learned. You said that word once and now everyone's using it. The word segue. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You can. The word segway? Segway, yeah.

That's what I'm saying. You can't be comedy police if you're not a comic. I tweeted back. That's like saying, why are carpenters always saying hammer now? You said it first. No, it's just our fucking nomenclature. It's like fucking PVC pipes for fucking- Plumbers?

Landscapers? No, the people are into that latex fucking, I'm going to shit into a gas mask while you're attached to a PVC suit. You know, we all go to different Montessori schools. Yeah. Stefan or Steven, you know, PH. PH is Stephen. The Zoom was very fun.

Wait, hold on. I got to read it right. I edited. The Zoom was very much fun. You guys should be comedians. You guys should do a shroom Zoom. Oh, that's in my notes. But like,

you shy away. Not shroom Zoom. No, I would never do that I was so high because I was so confident because Greg and I tested the Christmas Eve live stream

three hours in advance that I ended up taking edibles an hour and a half before and then everything fucking failed right when Bobby That I ended up taking edibles an hour and a half before. Oh, yeah. And then everything fucking failed right when Bobby was calling in. And that is, yeah, I will not do a shroom zoom. I will not be doing any of those zooms with shroomy things in me. I'm really getting ready to do hallucinogens again. Yeah, I know.

It's been a million years. And my house is, like Yeah, I know. It's been a million years and my house is like, now I know I'm like Dave Rader where I know a fucking fork's out of place when I found that fucking glass plate with the fucking, the old cocaine remnants from fucking

days yore. I'm like, that's how much I know my there's a third glass plate now I know I have two glass plates now there's a third but I have three delta plates stolen delta plates so now three glass plates match delta plates this is shit

I have to talk to my fucking counselor about but every time I fucking talk to my lady it better help I just I want to perform I want her to like me. I'm not talking about any of this shit. I wanted to ask you about that. It's like you are

kind of on stage with an audience of one. Yeah, and it's a way better podcast than the one I do for a living. Wait, how so? Hold on, because I have to impress her. Let's ask her if it's a better podcast Well no, I'm performing to a Fucking live face

Here, I'm just talking to you guys My face is live, Jonathan's face is live Jesus Christ Yeah, but I've already Failed making you laugh in real life You've just shunned me And then you go down and you What's he building down there?

My Christmas present. And we still don't know. Christmas present. No, I got it today. No, you got it today. Oh, yeah. I said, did you fake like you didn't know what it was going to be like when you're a kid and you already tore through the wrapping paper and you go, oh, I'm getting a train

for a three-year-old. See how I am at callbacks tonight? Big callback. Is this an ironing board? Jonathan, look, here it is. He knows better than that. You would call it a blanket chest. Oh, that's very good. It's lined with felt.

And it... Show Doug. Wow, that looks like something that you could build for a minimalist. That's a veneer, but that's not a good veneer. On the inside of the lid. No, no, that's wood. It's felt so that it doesn't fuck up my yarn.

But the felt is in the box size. Evidently. Yeah, I saw him building it over the wall when I was calling for my cat that they're still secreting away from me. Well, it is a very roomy cat coffin. Roomy like eyes? Like R-H roomy? No, not R-H-E. And not like the poet R-H-U.

Which is not the answer, Crossword. It was not that time. One more question, and this is from Roxanne. And your phone is connected to the Bluetooth here. So I'm going to give you a phone number. Oh, wow. And you're going to call someone. It is connected?

It is connected. I'm fucking to give you a phone number. Oh, wow. And you're going to call someone. It is connected? It is connected. I'm fucking blocking it. I'll omit the phone number and I'll pot it down. But bonjour, Shaylee. Just write it down. I know the best human. I haven't read it on that envelope. Let him read it.

Yeah, I know. But I'm going to cover time while you're writing down the phone number no there's a fucking envelope right there that's well that's my mail hold on yeah this is this this is the time that i came home from the road oh that's in the book that you can still read on audible we have to talk about audible a lot because fucking audible books on the fucking way to and from Phoenix, my only fucking eight-hour excursion from this place in fucking ten months was fucking brilliant.

And I forget my point. No, we were just talking about that on the last podcast of like how I drove to Tucson there and back just to get – no, I drove to Tucson. I drove to get gator meat and elk meat. And I enjoyed being out on the open road, feeling like I was going somewhere and not going to Safeway and then coming home and then listening to podcasts. And one of them was Omnibus with Ken Jennings and John Roderick, the bean dad.

I figured out by myself. I've done a lot of figuring shit out by myself. You bought a screw gun. Yeah, and I've almost used it, but you took the screws away from me. It didn't come with screws. You just didn't have the screws you wanted. No, but he's had those

screws up here because I already organized my junk drawer and my junk cabinet. He's like, have you seen a thing with the orange base with screws in it? I'm like, those screws that have been in my- It belongs to me. Yeah, but it's been in there forever. I don't know why. I don't- Why would I have screws?

But the point is I didn't throw them away like most of the shit. This goes back to my other point about throwing shit away. I watch, I listen to this book on tape, Matthew B. Cox, I think his name is. And he's a con artist that was in prison. And anytime you read a catch me if you can

kind of book, you go, well, if you're a con artist, first of all, I think you're full of shit about half the things you're writing. Frank Abnagel? Abnagel. It's always a weird... People are like, he probably didn't do half that shit.

But that was 50 years ago. I read his autobiography. Yeah, I did too. Because I love con artistry. And I watched a movie with fucking Leo. Well, maybe you could have gotten away with that shit in 1959. Oh, definitely. Definitely.

Just forging a thing and, you know, sketching a picture of yourself on an ID. I don't know. Yeah. But it's just, if you say you're a con artist, why wouldn't you be lying in the book to elevate your status? Well, I mean, to be good at it, you kind of have to convince yourself that it's true. It's like being a salesman. You know, you can't possibly trust them after that. It's not a lie if you believe what you're saying is true.

So I happen to be watching The Minimalists, which I assume we've talked about on the podcast and not just before we started. Before the break. Yes. I'm watching that while I'm Googling the book I just read to see if this guy is full of shit. But his Wikipedia backs up all of the fucking charges against him. I don't know how much he's blowing shit out of proportion. So I look up his Twitter while I'm watching The Minimalists.

And one of his recent retweets was from The Minimalists. He's retweeting The Minimalists talking about Jamie Kilstein being on their podcast, who I've forgotten to get back to because I was going to have him on the podcast to promote his new special. and it was just like this convergence of fucking three things, which was almost as cool as the dream I had last night, that nobody will tweet and say, hey, well, what was the dream after all? Because nobody cares. And that's one of the fucking darkest evils of being a human being is no one cares about your dreams, because some of them are fucking great.

Alright, are you ready for this? I get it ready to dial. Okay, hold on. Oh, yeah, I don't know why. Oh, yeah, we haven't read the letter yet. Bonjour, Shaylee. I know the best human. It's my brother. If one of you guys could call him for a quick Merry Christmas, it would make his head explode.

His name is... Is that Matthew? Yeah. It's a weird spelling. It's fucking like Frankie Chevrier, who did send us a beautiful Christmas card with some cutout pictures of the days of old. Frankie Guerra sent a beautiful letter. Frankie Gochi. His number is 555 1275.

Alright. That being said. It's also blocked, because I'm not fucking giving out this fucking number. I know you guys are busy, so no matter what, we are big fans. Thank you. It's also blocked because I'm not fucking giving out this fucking number. I know you guys are busy. So no matter what, we are big fans. Thank you. Matthew. Have fun.

Roxanne. Matthew. Matthew. It's Matthew. It's Matthew. Yeah, but it's spelled Matthew. Who cares? Hey, Matthew.

How do you pronounce it? Stan. Matthew Matthew Stanhope take that away he's through the phone oh take it off sorry I gotta take you off speakerphone what hang on what did you do Stanhope what I fucking took it on and off speakerphone Jesus

Christ all I do is get yelled at by Greg Chaley my entire life you pulled it what it makes for a very entertaining podcast All I do is get yelled at by Greg Chaley my entire life. You pulled it. What? And it makes for a very entertaining podcast. Are you in Montreal? No, I'm in Quebec City.

It's about two and a half miles. Yeah, I know. I know where it is. Two and a half miles. I know where it is. It's the place no one plays because you're at that fucking big everyone has to be French thing going on. Is this not working, Chaley? No. Chaley's yelling at me.

I'll just do it that way. You said take it off speakerphone. Don't argue. Neither do you. Lou, talk to him. It's funny when we argue. Shut up and talk to him. Hey, Matthew, listen.

We're having a lot of problems. Can we come down and make us all speak French? I wish I could, but I fear the flu. You fear the flu? That's like stop the steal. You're great at bumper stickers. See? See what I get?

I call a fan. They laugh at everything I say. Cherry does. Cherry does. I'm having a hard time believing that you're actually calling me. My sister, she

texted Chaley. I'm not sure I would believe it if I hadn't seen the text. Oh, see? She fucking ratted you out, Chaley. Already? Don't tell him we're calling. She says, oh, it'll blow his mind if we call. Well, not if you're sitting there expecting it.

And now it's like, fuck, I'm finding out Santa Claus is your dad. Here comes Chaley. Here comes Chaley. I can't hear you. This is from, like, the fourth week of december i mean he's not been waiting by the phone the whole time he might have been well maybe all right sorry i i fucked everything up matthew because uh i i hit speakerphone on and hit it off and somehow my producer who is from the F. Scott Fitzgerald days sorry it's an old reference

you didn't really try to use that hard today no I didn't I've never used it since he said it alright let's be polite to our friend on the phone hey listen we appreciate you in Quebec City enforcing all your fucking French laws on the beautiful city of Montreal.

Where? Just like the strippers. I never went to a strip club. No, there was one next door to the club we did. No, I don't. We never went in. Oh, we went to that fucking great... You know why I never went to a strip club in Montreal?

Mothwa? I have no clue. It's because, yeah, the girls just generally would fuck me. strip club in Montreal, Mothwa, is because the girls just generally would fuck me. Why don't fucking throw fucking cubits in the

girls? I don't know. Cubits? I forget what they call You're going to throw a form of measurement from the Roman Empire? Yeah.

Okay. Loonies. Fucking. Oh. You're talking about loonies. You're going to throw a form of measurement from the Roman Empire? Yeah. Okay. Loonies. He's a gypsy. Oh, you're talking about loonies? I thought you were talking about cubits. Yeah, that's the king. Of the king. That's what I know.

Sorry. Yeah. Sorry about the language barrier. Sorry. Thank you. We have a Brit. We have a fact checker here. Canadian and actual human beings on the same podcast to show that we're inclusive.

Wait, he is white, right? How white are you? Pardon me? Yeah, how white are you? He said pardon me. I'm practically some person. Translucent? Yes, pretty much.

Alright, good. You sound like Frank, our Montreal friend, and he's swarthy, and it's always made us somewhat uncomfortable. I leave my keys in my cars here. I shouldn't put that on the podcast. Well, we have security cameras sometimes.

Three of them are on. What did he say? I don't know. Do we still have a guy in the car? Ask him what he right. What did he say? I don't know. Do we still have a guy in the phone? Ask him what he said. What did you say? I said it's not like you tell everyone your address also. Yeah, the last time we had a stalker here, after he was removed by the local police,

they go, yeah, maybe you should stop giving your address out on the internet. Yeah, that's too late. Can't put the toothpaste back in the fucking tube. His sister asked you to phone him. I'm sure you can find a big scary guy

who scares the fuckers away. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes, you know what it takes is a big scary hacker to fucking teach people fucking lessons. Or killer termites. Alison Pearson's back in the news, and I wanted to regenerate.

Sorry, I'm dealing with some internal issues about not taking fucking exact retribution on someone. And it started with the guy that fucking won't pay Carlos. I go, yeah, that's a stupid reason to go fucking that Troy home deep on someone. But new people have reared their heads where you go, oh, do you want to really fucking poke me like that when you're so susceptible? All right. Okay. Merry Christmas. Matthew.

Happy New Year. I'm sorry I didn't blow your mind because your fucking sister is a big mouth fucking I'm going to show you what you're getting for Christmas before you're getting it for Christmas. No, the delay made it absolutely perfect. I sort of, I had left any hope of a call, so you actually did blow my mind. All right. Well, you know what? Get used to me not calling back because I've dealt with that with Johnny Depp for like six months.

You're never going to hear from me again. This was our moment in the sun. And I feel like you're my new Johnny Depp. He does really bad accents, too. But if you do call back, I will answer. I guess I'm better than Johnny Depp. Oh! Yes, you are.

You nailed it. Yes, you are. I hope you do better in court. Yeah, I stay away from psychos. All right. Good idea. When this podcast comes out tomorrow, maybe, Shaylee's done Christmas toys like Elf in the North Pole.

When this comes out, remember, you're at the end. I hope. All right. Don't worry. I'll listen to the whole thing anyway. It's pretty good. I think three-quarters of it is pretty good. And you were not in low spot,

but I realized that I have to just hang up my spurs again. All right. Well, I'll make sure to listen to it. And thanks for calling. I just thought it was actually I saw it's Christmas yet Christmas? Oh it's not Christmas there yet, Boxing Day isn't until February

they have no Christ there I don't know if you've been to Quebec City they don't have Christ or the vaccine or even like ramen noodles there's like so many things see that's the thing. You fucking guys, listen to me, Matthew.

These people I deal with, all they do is watch Fox News. They don't even know there's an outside world. Quebec City is under fire and under this suppressed, like, they're like Eskimos and shit. Or something. Okay, explain that. Yeah, they don't even have housing. Oh, they live in igloos in Quebec? Igloos? I think igloos is racist.

But, yeah, is there anything we... Do you have a GoFundMe page for Quebec City? I better go. What are you going to fund? I'm only 20 to myself right now. Fundamentalist Christianity. He just wants to help out. You're always funny to me, so.

Do they have Native Americans in Native Canadian? Indigenous people in Canada? Native Americans in North America? Yeah, they're all Native Americans. But people in Canada. Native Americans in North America. Yeah, they're all Native Americans. But I'm saying. Do Native Americans go, oh, we're going to seek amnesty in Quebec City, where they're all Igloo people? Igloo people?

Inuits. Inuits. It's like Alaska and Canada. You remember their borders weren't fucking the exact same. They don and Inuits. It's like Alaska and Canada. You remember their borders. They don't fucking need borders. They don't know borders. Nor do these Canadians that keep trying to fucking smuggle themselves across

and get on my podcast. It's true. A lot of this is true and the fucking mainstream media. All those Canadians smuggling themselves into the US. I don't want medical health care. I don't want it. Yeah, I don't want it.

That's why they're all in now. I want to pay through the nose. I want to be denied medical coverage. It's my right. I could fucking do so many things with my life, and you make me realize that, Matthew. I could do, and we would actually make a living if we just started this as a conspiracy theory. If we reinvented ourselves as a conspiracy theory website. Weren't we talking about this the other night?

We could, like, just inventing just miraculous, way better than current conspiracy theories, and just sold it without blinking. than current conspiracy theories and just sold it without blinking. I would lose all of my fan base, but it would be funny to me. But your new fan base would probably double it with a new one. Triple, easily. That would be rabid. I know. If I could

just stop myself from saying, I'm kidding. You'd have to... Yeah, it'd be tough. But I'm going to consider you what I've always hoped to develop, but I never had the follow through, is get a SEAL Team 6 of people that need more than six, but they can get on Twitter that are not related to me

to just start spreading fucking disinformation or start all we wanted to get Bean Dad on John Roderick? Yeah. No, stories like that that we've invented we want to get those on

Newser all the time, but I don't have the constitution to fucking stick with a gag before my ego kicks in and says, I did it! I did it on me! I fucked your sister! I'm sorry that you

weren't more involved in this, Matthew. He talked a lot. Sorry, Matthew. It was so entertaining, man. Yeah, but I'm guessing you didn't have a lot to put into this. No, he was accepting a call from you. I know, but do you want to tell us about your day? And how's your COVID, Matthew? How's your last 10 months gone?

Kind of weird, but not necessarily because of COVID um newly single I just ended up a 12 year relationship and I moved on my own for the first time in a very long time so like the COVID is not the

strangest thing in my life right now it just makes it sort of forces me to live it on my own, I guess. But it's not like the weirdest thing. And I've never stopped working. I was never really in quarantine or in shutdown. Just more hand washing and masks on my face. Understood. No, no, understood. It on my face. Understood.

No, no, understood. It doesn't hurt. Yeah. And that's a hard, bad beat. But give us her number and we're going to call her live

on this podcast just like an old Sam Kinison video. Yeah, I'm not sure she'd be down for that. No, it's a terrible idea. All my ideas are terrible. But, uh, yep. Heartbreak hurts worse than any kind of COVID or milk the rat or

fucking anal probe. Oh, milk the Rat. Chaley just frowned his brows at me. It's in my book. Why don't you read the book? Milk the Rat. Is that your brother? Yeah, when they fucking pushed their thumbnail into the white spot.

Yeah, yeah. I don't remember the Milk the Rat reference, but I did listen to the book and it was like fun. Well, I'm glad you're staying alive and I'm glad that you picked up a blocked call, because nobody does that anymore. That's crazy. Nobody does that anymore. COVID rules.

I was expecting to win a cruise, I guess, or have the IRS run after me, even if I'm not an American citizen. Hello, Matthew. You know that you can get an extended warranty on your Kia Sportage if you press 7 now sorry that's the bot call I get anyway

it's nice to talk to you I'll see you up there one day if you can ever get out of the exclusively quarantined city of Quebec City. They can't even go to Halifax or fucking Montreal. It's like shut down. Did you see

Red Dawn, Jaylee? The movie? Yeah. Where they're all in camps? That's what Quebec City is. But they act like they're keeping all of the rest of Canada out, but they're under armed guard, where the M50s are pointed at fucking inmates. We're big friends.

Du zouf avec fromage. You can't order breakfast from the guards. Living in Quebec is like the ending scene in Brubaker. Yup. And fucking Mattel is our fucking Brubaker. Yup. And fucking Matthew is our fucking Robert Redford. Yes.

Love you, Matthew. I have to end this podcast due to looks of derision from my producer. Thanks for the call and all the content. You always put a smile on my face. Thanks for everything. Love you, Matthew.

You shouldn't always be smiling sometimes. It's inappropriate. All right. Love you, Matthew. You shouldn't always be smiling sometimes. It's inappropriate. It's the bartender. Sorry. All right. I love you. Bye. Bye.

See you tomorrow. So what happened was I had it up on Bluetooth on the board here, and then you put it into speaker mode. And the only reason I'm saying this is because- Oh, hang on. This is like the Stern after show? Yes. Yeah, this is Tech Talk with Greg J. Because you fucked it up, and then people go, And the only reason I'm saying this Oh hang on This is like the Stern after show Yes Yeah this is tech talk with Greg Chaley

Because you fucked it up And then people go Oh Shaley fucked up I didn't fuck up It was already on here And then you fixed it Why don't you get a better board I know

Should have said it a little bit earlier Should have said it earlier When people look up Touchdown Terrorists I suspected there was something a bit wrong with him. He resisted. You know what? Fucking play Touchdown Terrorists at the end of this. No, we can, after the out-should have sent it a little bit sooner then.

Fucking brilliant. Oh, I talked to Brendan Walsh and I... Oh my god. You gonna talk about World Record Podcast? No, we're gonna talk about, I said, I want you to come out here and do four days of us just doing prank calls. Because we can do it better than anyone's doing them. With all due respect for anyone I'm not mentioning.

Ever since he got banned from Twitter, his World Record Podcast shows up in my feed all the time on YouTube. It is so fucking good. Him and Romanda, he's got the neck brace. And he's weird. Sometimes he's got a wig. Sometimes no neck brace. But it is so fucking psychedelic, what he's doing. And every time I watch one, I text him.

I go, dude, it's fucking awesome. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. He goes, I just found this guy who's doing the video. I go, dude, it's fucking awesome. This is awesome. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. He goes, I just found this guy who's doing the video. I go, don't change a thing. This is ground level. Send me links. Ground level, get in on a guy who has fucking captured how to fuck with people in 2021. It is.

And sometimes I just, their faces are so fucking stupid. And like, they're so sick. Is it random? It's, it's, uh, what?

Who do they call to prank? Is it random? They, they're talking to, Brett Erickson was a guest and he was, uh, fucking, who was it? Oh, like Phil Hendry kind of shit?

The first Batman. Mom. Michael... Mr. Mom. Mr. Mom. Why can't I think of the name? Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton. He had Brett Erickson as Michael Keaton, and every time Michael Keaton talked, there was

a cartoon picture with the mouth moving. It was so fucking great. And Brett Erickson is giving all these answers, and he's being straight. That's so good. And then all of a sudden, Eric- It's a contrived prank call. Oh, absolutely. No, no, no, no, no.

That's Phil Hendry. The prank calls are actual real prank call. Oh, absolutely. No, no, no, no. That's Phil Hendry. The prank calls are actual real prank calls. And they're talking about Eric as Michael Keaton. That was a totally different thing. Brendan Walsh, he'll be talking just to Raimanda. Okay. His wife. Follow her on Twitter.

They're just talking and then all of a sudden they're just, oh, and then they're talking to someone that is a total fucking prank call and it is fucking like right now like the spout when they're coming through is him talking to customer service while he is violently shitting on a toilet and there's he's even doing he's even doing the he... He's throwing those in as these random shit noises.

There's just shit noises happening. He's not hitting a pad or something, but he's like a beat off of like... It's like, okay, come on. If they could see what I'm seeing, they know you're reacting to the sound and you're not making the sound so yeah it's so fucking good it's a world record podcast brendan walsh and uh twitter reinstate him at at at at so good uh yeah twitter has to fucking learn that uh without trump everyone's just gonna to disappear. Yeah, they have to do something. When Trump started, like before that started, I'm like,

Twitter is, I'm not getting like the likes and it's not, when MySpace died and it took me, I was the last guy to get on MySpace and the last guy to go, no one's really watching this anymore. And you're never going to get over MySpace. You love Myspace. Well, no, that actually made a resurgence where we had talked about it and like the next day people,

a story came out, everyone misses Myspace. They miss the time of Myspace. They don't miss Myspace. Myspace is still there. I want to fucking make a top eight. I want to have some kind of delegation of authority. Oh, you put me in your top eight.

I'm so, yeah, I want to be a leader again. And I want to fist that girl in Dayton again. Well, we have to find out. I wasn't proud of myself in the morning. Are you still talking about it? Can I do a plug? We're wrapping up, right? Yeah. We got the 100th episode of

Issues with Andy coming up on January 8th, Friday. What are we at? 428. No. We're doing 572 podcasts before that comes out.

What? I want to be at 1,000 when he gets to 100. Too late, buddy. Well, we're already at 100. Did I do that right, though? That's all I care about. On January 8th, this Friday, at 3 p.m. Pacific, we're doing a live stream. And it's at patreon.com slash issueswithandy.

And, yeah, it's open to everyone. Just go to our Patreon and you can check it out. It's 100 episodes. We never thought it would go five. But I said that about this one. Yeah. So can we just cut back? I don't want to be on record as shit-talking the guy you phoned up.

But I knew there was something wrong because his sister had said, can you please call him up? And it was much like the call you had the other night with the guy with brain cancer, but it's okay because he's treating it with CBT oil himself. Where if somebody, if a good friend or a relative says, can you please call him up? I appreciate you bringing that up, English Jonathan. Because we've made a few

drunk dials. I'm not really good at checking my email. And sometimes I do it drunk and you give me your phone number. And I do call you at this hour. And then you pick up a blocked phone number and then we talk to you and then I feel good about myself

and then other times I check all those other unanswered emails and I go, I can't fucking deal with this. Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't care. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't care. Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes your wife says, oh, my husband had a heart attack, and then he's a big fan,

and then you call him, he's like, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, I think I saw you once in Duluth. And he's just unintrigued, and you go, ah, it's like Burbiglia's joke about being the fucking celebrity at a celebrity golf tournament

and they say yeah who do you think our celebrity is gonna be he's like oh fuck yeah so so we try our best to make everyone happy as we're all as suicidal as you on a

come and go basis. But yeah, we're getting through it. Thanks for hanging out with us. Take us out of here. Bingo. Okay, bye bye now. Thank you. Thank you.