The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#433: The 5th Night of the Super Bowl Party
Episode Date: February 12, 2021This podcast may be late but with a good reason. The new "New Year's Day" kept getting pushed back and Doug has plenty of excuses. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusive...ly at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Check Out Doug's Weekly eBay Yard Sale listing - https://www.ebay.com/usr/stanhope_podcast?_trksid=p2047675.l2559 Recorded Feb 11th, 2021 at the New FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Raider, Tracey (@egglester) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - HelixSleep.com - Helix is offering UP TO 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/stanhope. BetterHelp.com - As a listener, you’ll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/STANHOPE Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - TraceySupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast
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You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast.
Are we doing the intro again?
Okay, this is intro number two,
because as I said in the first intro,
this is the Super Bowl party.
Don't worry.
Don't think this is a dated podcast.
This is Thursday going out Friday.
If Chaley can maintain it enough to uh don't even edit it i
always say that but yeah if we want this out tomorrow today all right we'll make it brief
that this is the drunkest i've been before a podcast this uh well it's not like the old
parties because we only had maybe a dozen people spread out over three not houses. I don't want to
give a false impression, but a patio
and a fun house. Crash pads.
Us and you guys
that were on the Patreon.
I spent two or three quarters
of that Super Bowl
the beginning at least.
I didn't at least have time talking to all the
Patreon people.
Andy felt a little shanghaied when all of a sudden you put Reverend Derek on.
Oh, yeah.
That poor kid.
It just kept going.
And it's like, Andy, you're not in the room.
You could have just walked away from your fucking, put the Gary Busey face back up.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
So what happened was that Super Bowl, I did an edible,
and then I did some mushrooms, which I haven't done in, I think,
a year and a half.
And then the end of the game and after the game were way more fun.
Until 5 in the morning.
Tracy.
Tracy had this incredible jacket.
Raider tweeted a picture.
If you follow at Dave Raider, is it?
Yeah, it's locked.
Yeah, it's locked.
Follow me anyway.
So they can't see the pictures?
What?
I retweeted them.
Somebody else.
No, Olivia posted some pictures too.
Olivia Grace was there.
She posted the picture after you grabbed, you stole my jacket.
Scurrilous accusation.
I grabbed what?
Yeah, Tracy had this fucking jacket that was like a tripper's wet dream.
It was, how did you describe it, Chaley? It was like a wet dream. It was,
how did you describe it,
Chaley?
It was like a caterpillar. It was like a,
no,
a porcupine with hot pink
and yellow quills.
And it was,
it wasn't just a regular
like sport coat
that was made.
It was all furry.
And it had,
it was like a three quarter length too.
So it was a very,
like a,
it was very cozy.
Yeah.
Comfy.
So it was as good inside as it was on the outside.
Okay.
What I remember...
Shut up, Meatwig.
We're having a Super Bowl party still.
What I remember was thinking,
this is the best tripper's jacket ever.
But in the morning i'm gonna know that this is just some kind of
six dollar like halloween cheap shit china looks like a fur coat that's made out of like
cheap shit halloween costume but not when you're tripping oh my god the colors were amazing
the feel was amazing i slept on two different floors.
I didn't sleep.
I kept yelling up from underneath bars and or tables.
I'm still listening.
I'm just enjoying curled up on the floor under a table.
In my porky.
Yeah.
No, I was calling it a centipede because it reminds me of the giant centipede.
Yeah, porcupine skin is what I was trying to say.
We have giant centipedes here, and it reminded me of that.
You know, you're right.
I could be the centipede.
I could see that, yeah.
They're like a furry caterpillar.
Yeah.
Centipedes are scary, and they're not furry.
I know, but in the moment, I had transformed my fear into power.
Power I had.
I did it. I had transformed my fear into power. Power I had. My goodness.
These poor people that just woke up on Monday and went to work.
Thursday, that's when the Super Bowl party ends.
I know I keep extending the end.
Thursday night.
Not even Thursday.
Monday morning.
It was fucking atrocious.
It's amazing how 12 people can just destroy your house as much as 80 people like we used to have.
But it's all in the eye of the beholder.
There was a few pieces of Seth Brashear's pizza left.
I'm like, they didn't eat the pizza.
I'm like, should I feed it to the dog?
By now there's bees on it
because it's still nice weather.
And I just opened up a new batch of mimosas.
I woke up still high, still tripping a little bit, whatever.
I can't tell the difference between edibles and mushrooms now.
So I started mimosas again.
This Super Bowl party doesn't have to end.
Everyone's gone.
I can enjoy the Super Bowl without watching it.
Just by myself with mimosas.
And then when you start your day at 10 a.m.
after you went to bed at 5 a.m. by starting out drinking,
well, now you're really
going to have to power through. And then you wake up even more hungover on Tuesday. So how do you
alleviate that? And then you go, I remember that old drug commercial. I do cocaine so I can do
more work, so I can make more money, so I can do more cocaine, and so I can work more, so I can make more money.
And he spins around in circles, which is way more accurate
than this is your brain on drugs with marijuana.
But the idea is that you just, all right, I'm going to stave off this hangover
until, oh, wait, we have to podcast another thing on Wednesday.
We have to do our podcast on Thursday.
Well, I'm just going to be drinking anyway.
And here we are.
Thursday Super Bowl party.
Cheers.
Who's playing?
Wait, it's Sunday.
And it's the first Sunday without Super Bowl.
And I don't know what to do.
Keep drinking from Super Bowl.
And then go, oh, wait, drink all the way
till the next Sunday and go,
thank God there's no more football
because I was going to die.
Wow, you guys seem fucking like partiers.
Fucking Dave Rader, stumbling through the night, looking for his keys.
Dave Rader's story is so kind of lame compared to Henry Phillips, the comic, and Brian Hennigan.
the comic and Brian Hennigan both have fucking brilliant stories about walking in a hotel room into their bathroom,
but not realizing they walked out of their room naked in the hall and the
door shuts behind them.
I know Billy Babb's done that too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So they have to go.
I think it's Hennigan's story where he went into a...
Hennigan's great.
It's a Three Stooges story about having to go into a housekeeping room.
He couldn't find a uniform, but he found a towel.
They both have...
Dave Rader's story is kind of more lame,
but at the same time, more Dave Rader.
Because he just went outside of his house to smoke a cigarette and locked himself out without his phone or keys.
Naked?
No, worse, in sweatpants.
Yeah, but I ended up at Joby's, jealous.
Yeah, but I ended up at Joby's jealous.
Yeah, remember the podcast where I got a super 70 milligram high at Joby's and you go, I can't believe you walked home in the middle of the night.
I still don't know how you made it home alive.
Well, you just did it kind of vaguely drunk.
No, but I don't do anything.
So did you take your sweatpants off before you went into Joby's?
I rocked myself out naked, Joby.
Can you help me?
Dave Rader wasn't naked, but he also had to walk like a 20-minute walk.
So, yeah, I got locked out of my house last night.
First time I've ever done that.
And I just said, all right, Joby's got a spare.
So I walked all the way over to Joby's, figuring out my key.
And so I start banging on his door.
And as I'm banging on the door, I go, oh, wait.
The last time somebody banged on his door, it was a cop to tell him that his other sister was found dead in the Safeway parking lot.
Maybe not the best idea.
So I just go, it's Raider.
But he didn't hear me because he's got his TV on and he's on muscle, whatever the fuck.
So he opens the door looking at me like,
what the fuck, because I'm not somebody who just shows up.
Well, you're shirtless and wearing sweatpants
and a boner, so yeah, that's gotta be
kind of weird.
With a hatchet.
That's how I opened the door.
So he's just like, what the fuck?
That's someone else's joke from 1990
that I opened for, but I don't know who anyway no worries
so I'm just like hey I'm sorry
I got I locked myself out I need my
spare and he goes I don't have your key
Joby if you're listening
you absolutely have my fucking key it's
somewhere in your house so
he goes how many
drinks have you had like can you
drive no I can't
so he drives.
Maybe he shouldn't have.
Wait, I thought you had no phone.
I didn't have a phone.
Wait, neither of you have a key.
No, neither of us have a key.
You walked to his house.
Yeah, I walked to his house, and I'm banging on his door.
Oh, okay.
So he's like, can you drive yourself back home?
Right, but I can't.
So he drives.
We go to my house.
He brings all these tools.
We try to break into my house. We can't.
I mean, if you're really breaking
into somebody, yeah, you can smash a window. We're trying not
to do that. But where was your original
key? Oh, in the house.
You didn't leave.
He did like a Hannigan.
Henry Phillips had walked out. Door locked behind
him. I'm sorry. I thought you were leaving here.
Yeah, I got it. Something like that.
I did say I was pretty drunk.
Yeah.
No worries.
So we can't break into my house.
She's like, all right, just come sleep in my house.
So I do.
Oh, it worked perfect, dude.
Yeah.
Just like you said.
Exactly.
Just like you said, bro.
I've been planning this for fucking years.
Finally worked out.
So we wake up.
We have coffee.
Well, I have coffee.
He has tea.
Still pretty romantic. Right? It. Well, I have coffee. He has tea. Still pretty romantic.
Right?
It is.
Sounds lovely.
We both take it black.
Are you at the bar?
Are you at his bar?
You know his bar makes me jealous.
We built that bar together.
We could rebuild this.
This is like a letter to Penthouse.
This is a fucking Super Bowl party.
So Joby pulls his hair down.
And then shakes it. Yeah, shakesoby pulls his hair down. Oh.
And then shakes it.
Yeah, shakes it side by side.
Fabio or something.
In slow motion in real life, which was weird.
Oh, if you did mushrooms, I've seen that on mushrooms.
Joby's Fabio hair in the fucking full moon behind him.
Oh, yeah.
Keep going.
That's how I met him.
Yeah.
Why do you think I'm still hooked?
I completely
understand. He's a very handsome
man, ladies. And men.
And he's gotten more handsome.
He falls for the
I locked myself out of my house thing.
So if
you want to sleep at Joby's.
So this morning I didn't want to wake my landlady up.
She's the only one else who has my key.
She's 150 years old.
She's 150 years old, and it was like night.
I couldn't do it, so I slept at this house.
So this morning, like 7 o'clock, we go to her place.
I ring the doorbell.
She doesn't answer.
All right.
So you smashed her window in.
Are you okay?
Hey, I have a question.
Are you wearing one of like Joby's
button down collar shirts?
I may be. Like the next day.
Oh, can I borrow this shirt?
Because I came over with no shirt.
It's down to his knees.
But you look so cute in it, little guy.
He can't even see his hands when he puts his hands down by his sides.
The sleeves cover him.
So, I am wearing a shirt. He smells it
when he goes to the bathroom.
He's like sniffing in Joby smell.
From my earrings. Smells like
welding and crying.
That was not washed. That's
cool. I guess I'll take one that smells like you.
Did you say it smells like Joby and Weldy?
Never getting washed again.
Crying and welding.
Suicide and woodworking.
Yeah.
That's good, man.
But anyway, finally at 7.30 we went back, rang the doorbell.
This poor 80-year-old woman.
Gunpowder and plastic jug vodka.
I meant to say tequila keep doing this and that it's very funny no i love it like the english muffin and tears would be a good
one too yeah that's why they taste so good what is that what is that movie the share movie where
you put tears in the dough oh that's why it tastes so good. The Cher movie?
Is that how you wrap up a fucking Super Bowl, five-day Super Bowl party?
That's how I get into it.
Referencing Cher movies?
What was the movie?
It was Nicolas Cage and Cher.
Moonstruck.
Moonstruck.
Yeah.
She cried into the tears to make Nicolas Cage fall in love with her.
That's how they get you.
Yeah.
I'm never going to make a woman cry again.
And that was my passion in life.
I cried all over Joby's apartment.
Mostly because he grabbed my neck.
Inside joke.
Stay tuned for whatever date.
So you guys go to the landlady's house.
You didn't smash the window.
What happened?
No, we tried.
You tried to smash the window?
No, we tried to break in without destroying anything.
Didn't happen.
So that's why I slept at his house.
But this morning, 7.30, poor woman.
Oh, God.
I don't want to say her name, obviously.
I'm so sorry if you happen to be a Stan Hope fan and you're listening to this.
You're 131 years old up at night
listening to Doug Stadhope podcast.
It gets me through like Art
Bell used to get me through.
Where is Art Bell? Maybe she is, I don't know.
But we went
back. I imagine Diane Rehm being
this. If anyone's
listening to this podcast
in town and you
see me at the farmer's market, please tell me you listen to this podcast.
Because occasionally you find out someone in town listens to the podcast and you're like, it's just fucking weird.
It's kind of like your mom going through your dildo drawer or something.
You know, when that happens, everyone remembers the first time.
Oh, I remember when that happened.
Your parents found your dildos.
Okay. Point being,
yeah, let me know.
Go ahead. I'll apologize
to you in person at the farmer's
market, which I'm glad has moved off
city property. I like
the new fucking farmer's market.
Fuck them. That's a different
podcast.
There's not much left. I scared the shit out of an 80-year-old woman at 730 in the morning
who came out in a bathrobe, and I apologized profusely.
And I'm sorry again if you're listening to this.
And, yeah, she had my keys.
We went over and locked the door.
But you took a day off work.
I asked Dave Rader when he told me, Chaley,
when he told me this story about how they tried to break in and failed, I thought, oh, what if Dave Rader succeeded in breaking into his own house?
He would leave that house thinking, oh, I thought.
If I could get in there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'd move out of Bisbee.
There's no way I could say that. It is odd because I think any person who lives in a structure for an amount of time knows
the vulnerabilities of living in a structure.
No, no, no.
You said anyone.
I'm saying Dave Rader knows every vulnerability.
Have you been to his house?
No.
Well, I go when he's not there.
I break in.
Super easy.
Didn't check the chimney.
Dave Rader is like, did you come by my house?
Because the gate's open.
I went and knocked on his door early in the morning when I'm walking my dog.
Ring and run is what we used to call it because we weren't racists.
That's not what you called it. No, we did call it ring and run is what we used to call it because we weren't racist you called it
no we did call it ring and run i didn't hear the racist version of ring and run until i was older
so uh so i'm not gonna did you come by my house he didn't hear me ring the doorbell he just noticed
the gate was slightly ajar so So he's gone through it.
Like if there is a pregnability.
Is that a word?
Impregnability.
Yeah, but that's why I got confused.
Super Bowl!
Is it still on?
Until that drink's done.
I am still less drunk than Tom Brady
in those videos,
which were fucking beautiful.
Wait, he's got drunk videos? Oh in those videos, which were fucking beautiful.
Wait, he's got drunk videos?
Oh, my God.
You got to look them up.
No, I haven't looked at anything since. Yeah, there's fucking hammered.
Yeah.
Just look up drunk Tom Brady.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, their after party's already over.
They had a whole boat parade in Tampa Bay with Tom Brady's shit face.
He's not podcasting right now.
You know why?
Because he's a fucking pussy. He's not podcasting right now. You know why? Because he's a fucking pussy.
He's a cleft-chin fucking Nancy.
That's what he did.
He got drunk one time.
You stick with us.
You start with mimosas.
You end with a podcast that's coming out way too late.
Go ahead, Dave.
On what?
He finished.
They got in.
The landlord. We got in. Every real estate we ever after. All right. So what? He finished. They got in. The landlord.
We got in. Every real estate we ever after.
So what do we do now?
We all go break into my
house. Just see if we can do it.
I can't believe you didn't get in.
Well, I mean,
I could have broken a window.
No, there's always a way.
There's always a way.
Without breaking glass.
Well, they went back the next morning and thought, oh, now with the daylight, maybe we can see a window that might be on.
Yeah.
No.
Dave Rader knows when his little tiny gate built for a little tiny Bichon Frise kind of dog that you know he fantasizes
about one day having if it's his
own house. The little tiny
dog could jump that fence. He notices
when it's slightly ajar.
So he would probably notice
there's a window someone
could break in and steal his
fortune of matching
glasses.
Too many coffee cups. No, not the right amount of matching glasses. Too many coffee cups.
Oh, the right amount
of matching coffee cups.
That's why he won't get a Doug Stanhope podcast.
That's one of the reasons. He needs six.
We sell them six at a time.
I have four.
Yeah.
He has
one of me and I'm very small.
I only need four. why would I need more
and I bet
that you have thought about
adding a fifth
because that
I'm not gonna
trash
her nature but
you fuck her,
but she won't stay over,
and she's not coming over for dinner.
So I don't know why you have all this.
Anyway, not going to talk about
your romantic relationships,
because they're not romantic.
Why don't you just go to her for the key?
She won't tell him where she lives, probably.
I couldn't walk there from here.
I can't have you showing up at my house at Old Biz because I'm pretty and I have a reputation.
So I come over to Boring Warren, I fuck you in your house and leave repeatedly.
All right. Did you have to lock me and leave repeatedly. All right.
Did you have to lock me out?
Anyway.
Moving on.
Hey, let's take a break because Chaley just gave me the let's take a break sign.
We're at that time.
Uh-oh.
We have sponsors.
Oh, let's do sponsors.
Hey, when we tape the sponsors tomorrow, because I know you won't let me now.
They're already done.
Oh, good.
Okay.
Hang on.
Let me put on my sober voice so it segues well.
Okay. We're going to take a break now into my tomorrow yesterday voice, and it's going to sound like,
hey, we have the sponsors that we have.
I'm very excited about. So let's
play them right now. And then let's get back to the Super Bowl. Come on, Peyton Manning.
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The fucking cat.
Because we'll get to Steve and cat and Sean and that,
but the cat this cat
meat wig fucking
he went flying
Hawaiian kitty today
as he came in doing this shit
which he's kind of stopped doing
over the like he understood
pandemic it's like alright I should
stop being so fucking annoying
but he did it this morning.
I'm like, all right, you are going.
It was the exact same throw that Tom Brady threw the fucking Lombardi trophy into Gronkowski's boat.
Only I didn't have a bay that the cat might have sunk to the bottom to if I missed.
I was pretty accurate on my throw.
You're fucking getting thrown onto the couch so I can lock two doors behind you
so I can sleep, which I barely did.
The cat's been at our house a lot, and this is the only 24 hours he hasn't.
You chaly fell in love with the cat back when Barnabas was here.
That's why it's a fucking problem for you now.
It's because he spent 24 hours with you.
It's only been 24 hours.
He's been fucking.
He's doing the same thing he always does.
Bitches be chirping.
That, yeah, that cat. I mean mean it was a soft landing there was plenty of uh
plenty of uh blankets on top of the couch because uh sometimes i've fallen asleep on
the couch and not realized i was not in bed uh there was a i had a this dream sequence
oh oh that oh wait
we were talking off air about
shit we've watched
this is the second time I've watched
this and fallen asleep to it
but it's about I don't think
it's really that good
without please tell us
more the
Challenger space shuttle thing on Netflix.
You know, the space shuttle that blew up.
Yeah.
Yeah, and it hints at the beginning that there's a conspiracy theory.
They knew this was going to blow up, but it never really gets there.
But the problem is I wake up out of a funk or a a jag or whatever
drunk yeah but i have my uh my eye mask on so i'm just listening i look for oh that's something you
can tweet at me uh documentaries or uh that you can sleep to
on Netflix
where you don't need to see.
Anything Civil War.
That's why the Civil War,
Ken Burns.
Well, there's no footage
that I'm missing.
World War II in Color
is another one.
Erickson often sleeps too.
Yeah, yeah.
I started Pandemic with that.
That was the first one I remember binging.
But that still has footage.
There's nothing about the Challenger
other than some miles away explosion in the sky
and people, the families are watching it,
but they don't get it.
There's smoke trails going in a few different directions now.
I think they just lost the booster rocket.
Is that a booster?
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm laughing at the Challenger explosion.
No, no, but I'm sleeping with my eye mask on.
This podcast is brought to you by O-Rings.
There you go.
He watched it.
So I'm sleeping, you know, when you're half asleep and half dreaming, but
you think you're awake.
So I have my eye mask
on. So everything they're talking about
I'm picturing in my head.
And at some point I think, oh,
I'm listening to this.
And then I realize,
Henry Phillips, my dog is not
on a space shuttle.
Because I am picturing this with Henry Phillips sitting in her collar,
a younger Henry Phillips.
I go, that's not real.
I am kind of dreaming, and I'm kind of not dreaming.
And I'm not tripping anymore.
By the way, this was nights after the mushrooms.
And what was your...
What did you watch?
Sorry, you're all staring at me.
Because you've never fucking had a dream before.
I'm done with the dream.
I just kept coming in and out of half sleep.
I thought you had a ban on people telling dream stories
in front of other people.
This is a half dream.
It's different.
I got it.
When the TV gets in on your dream
and it makes it really funny.
The narration on the TV
becomes part of your dream
and you fill it in with it.
You were going to talk about
Sean and Nat, Steve and Kat.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Sean and Nat and Steve and Kat.
Because when we did Super Bowl party
and they sent me another Zoom link to join them.
Yeah, and I think that was on Monday.
I didn't even click on it because I know I'm still fucked up.
So I'm afraid to click on things where I go,
oh, I'm going to have to disappoint someone.
So, yeah, I really want to do the Zoom thing with you,
but it's not going to be this week because Super Bowl.
Blame football.
I have CTE from watching too much hard hits.
Too many, I know.
Too many hard hits.
That's all right. I'm not fucking writing a book, you goddamn editors. You many, I know. Too many hard hits. That's all right.
I'm not fucking writing a book, you goddamn editor.
She didn't say anything.
She said it with the eyes in the back of my head.
That is true.
That is true.
We felt it.
The look of disdain.
What are you going to remember the most from this Super Bowl?
Because I will remember that I don't like football,
but it did save...
Don't you laugh at me.
I'm laughing because you just took a big pull off of that drink
and it looked like you just put on a 70-pound backpack
when you put your eyes up.
And I'm like, wow.
How drunk is he?
I have to do a fucking really a real podcast tomorrow.
Oh, what's that like? Then I have to do one
and then I have to, Saturday and
Sunday, I have to go back to the
farmer's market once.
I don't know. Are we on the
farmer's market on Sunday again? Saturday.
It's not on Sunday. I'm too
afraid to even go to Safeway
because I'm afraid to see people that weren't even here.
Like an M. Night Shyamalan movie?
Yeah, like after a party where...
No, a fucking...
Doug's walking around.
Is that person real or dead?
If Chad Shank was here, for God's sakes,
he would tell you,
you had too much fun.
I don't want to show up the next day because if you have too much fun,
you feel like you must have insulted someone.
But we've had too much fun for four days.
I'm sure you've gotten some shit accomplished during the day.
That's because you're you, but you were hungover.
I've talked to you when you were drunk last night.
On our Monday, New Year's Day, I was really dreading what was going to happen.
But then I realized you tweeted that
New Year's Day is postponed to New Year's 2nd or something.
You pushed it off until the Tuesday.
So I'm like, oh, then I'll fucking stay in bed
and fucking watch my stories.
Dave Rader took a day off of work,
which is like Cal Ripken
going
I can't run around
the bases
Cal Ripken never did that
he did that when he retired
I'm saying Dave Rader has that
much commitment to being
anal retentive as Cal Ripken
did to fucking
whacking balls
between the shortstop and third base.
How about this?
Hey, Dave Ray, give me your address, your honest address.
Don't give me a phony one.
On the podcast?
No, no, not on the podcast.
I already stopped myself from doing that.
And if I can get into your house.
212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.
And if I can get into your house.
You break into my house by waving into the security camera if I'm awake and I feel lonely.
Let me see if I can get into your house.
And then Doug will pay for any damages.
I'm not going to bust a window like with a wrench.
But I think there's a way.
Do you see this?
You're a lawyer.
Yeah.
He said with a wrench.
Yeah.
He didn't say,
I'm not going to bust your window.
Hey, fuck you.
What are you doing here?
This is how fucking Trump
gets away with shit.
I'm talking to my friend here.
I said it in a way.
This is how I fucking,
oh, I tweeted this.
I won't break a window
to get into your place.
Okay.
But there's got to be a way.
There's always a way.
And if you know you're not going to get caught by the cops,
it's easier to try and figure out a way.
Of course, there's always a way.
Don't you want to know if your house is breakable?
Yeah, he does.
But if you break into his house,
you know that means he's going to leave Bisbee.
Yeah.
He'll just move next door.
I know how to break into his house, Chaley.
Do you want to break into his house?
This is what we do.
We tell the fans.
Because there's a lot of people I thought, no one sent us cutouts.
If someone sends us a thin cutout of you, we put flat Chaley underneath the door, Jam.
Oh, go ahead. That's it. Oh, go ahead.
That's it.
Oh, I have...
We slide you under...
Like Wile E. Coyote?
Yes.
Exactly like Wile E. Coyote.
Joe, we had a great idea,
and we all key our locks to be the same.
Oh, that's a great idea.
All of us.
That's a good idea.
Thieves have locks.
Just call up anybody.
Hey, I have a great idea for what to do.
Oh, yes, I do.
With all of the cutouts.
And I'll tell you when this podcast is done.
But I'm so excited about it because it's something that involves the entire town of Bisbee and all of the cutouts and us.
Wow.
You're kind of...
I think what you're doing, Greg Chaley,
is thinking,
we'll never do this,
so I won't give away the thing.
We'll do this.
All right.
This will be fun.
I don't like to cock-tease the audience,
but if it keeps the...
I love that the cutouts are here.
I want to do more with them.
The Super Bowl thing was great.
And the more things we can do
with until you get back on the road
with the cutouts is fucking awesome. Keep sending them out here.
If we lived in a city...
What's that?
Where they still have
jack booths.
What?
I would... I would would cut out the mouths of cutouts
and then put them in weird glory hole situations.
Put it over the coin return?
Andy would do this.
Andy, you talk about Andy is just such a fuck up,
but he would follow through on a gag
of going and taking every one of those cutouts
and putting them with an open mouth
in a jack booth.
And then the story would veer from there.
Like, all right,
you already had a funny story,
but now you're in jail
and et cetera, et cetera.
Matt Collins,
we're going to pull your kids.
He's going downstairs with us.
He's living with me now. We're going to pull your kids. He's going downstairs with us. He's living with me now.
We're going to keep your babies cut out with us.
This is not what we're talking about.
You're drinking tequila.
Hand sanitizer.
Yeah.
Who do you not hang on?
Tracy's putting on hand sanitizer.
Everyone's doing well.
I'm making your drinks.
Don't you want my hands to be a little bit clean?
Yeah, but you've been here for hours with us.
Did you touch someone dirty outside?
I wish.
All right.
I had a good day yesterday.
The listeners will know.
I don't want to go into it, but I made a drunk dial.
No, but when you make a drunk dial
that you wake up and you go,
oh, that worked out really well.
Yeah, I quelled a situation from town
that's been going on for fucking over a decade,
or at least in your head.
And I, yeah yeah I made friendly
I go oh that's not
a fucking a synapse
that's gonna turn into brain cancer
anymore cause
yeah we had a short conversation
and worked out some beef that you always think
maybe is haunting you
I'm sorry I'm talking
to you Valentino like
like you're old enough to understand
some past
past
I was shocked
when you told me that
so was I
I'm very glad for that
I don't know why you're bringing it up here
because you can't really go into any more detail than that
I know it's too late to introduce Valentina
into this conversation
I think we've shut her out too much.
I was going to say, do you have a situation where someone that you slighted in your past,
you go, oh, fuck, that still sticks in my head.
I should make nice about that.
It's such a good
feeling. I know
everyone's being cunty to me.
Or four people on Twitter
once.
Oh, this new
HiDougStanhope.
Yeah, it
fucking feels better
to mend the bridges and shit
like that.
Yeah.
And I did a big one yesterday, and it was good.
And sometimes you do something drunk that you wouldn't do normally,
but it's positive, and you wake up like, oh, fuck.
I made myself feel so much better.
Thank God I had a five-day Super Bowl fucking runner.
I know who you're talking about that smokes half cigarettes,
Bonnie McFarland.
Read her book.
That has nothing to do with anything.
That has nothing to do with anything. That has nothing to do with anything.
Something I said on a...
You mean, Bonnie McFarlane's You're Better Than Me?
Yeah.
That's the third time I've had to remind you the name of the podcast.
Yeah, but that one podcast we started,
and then I go, I'm not ready to do a podcast,
and we dumped it.
So I'm trying to plug Bonnie McFarlane's book,
which I'm so into.
We, I downloaded it on the road, and we never got to it.
And then the road stopped.
It's one of the books that we were going to listen to on the road.
Hey, guess what the road is now?
Sitting at the fucking end of the bar, trying to write the epilogue to the...
No Uncovered Donkey?
Oh, my God. Yes? Yeah, but not hard
copy. Yeah, it's fucking
drunk because we're drunken.
You call that the Eyes podcast.
Or the Eyes
The Eyes book
versus the Ears. The Eyes book
versus the Ears book.
Was that in this podcast or the one we bailed
on? I think we're, yeah.
Bonnie McFarlane, reader book.
Farlane.
I've realized I couldn't spell like three comics
that I know personally their names
because McFarlane is,
and then when I read the book,
or if I didn't read the book, I'm audible.
I, fuck, I get a very't read the book, I'm audible. Oh, fuck.
I got a very important text.
Okay, we'll pause.
No, you're not going to pause because we might drunk dial someone.
All right, we're paused.
And say, okay.
We're paused.
I'm going to pause it right now.
I'm going to pause.
Pause.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Doug, you're on pause.
Hang on.
Do you want Bingo to come over and play her song?
Well, yeah, but we're on pause right now.
No one's hearing what you're saying.
We're on pause.
Yeah, but Bingo says that we should...
She's been...
Bingo doesn't understand.
Do you want me to unpause it?
No, no.
I want you to keep it going.
Unpause it right now.
Okay, we're unpaused. We're rolling,
Doug. Go.
Oh, man.
So,
bingo, they have a new
song, and they want me to come
over and listen to it.
She called me this morning, and I'm trying to say,
I just, like,
I've been up since 2, and then had to take downers to go to bed.
No.
I said no, which is really rude.
Is it Lily Rose?
Yeah, it's Lily Rose, which is very awkward.
I have it.
Because that's Johnny Depp's daughter's name. And she said, this has no affiliation.
This is about a song we were, then why would you call it Lily Rose?
And she goes, I'm having trouble with the lyric.
Lily Rose, Lily Rose is what we say, but should I, in the chorus, should I?
So I just kept calling her back, going, Lily Rose, I'll strangle you with pantyhose.
Or as your mucus flows, boogers will fly out of your nose.
These are all good.
You're into the rhymes.
You're into the rhymes.
Well, she's like, do you want to hear this?
I go, no, I don't want to wake up and hear a song.
I don't like songs.
I like Sean Mooney and Shea Sorensen in the morning.
I don't want to listen to a song while you stare at me with vulture eyes
to see it's the fucking same bingo telling me to listen to her song
at an inappropriate hour is as uncomfortable as a lap dance like i never like
lap dances because they look at you like i'm only in a titty bar because the owner brought me here
and said i'm gonna pay for all your shit and i'm impressing my friends but there's a you know 15
naked ladies i don't want to have to focus on you for eye contact.
Like if you're doing this right, the same way I have a lot of people have told me over 30 years, they don't like stand up comedy, including Joby, who will never go inside my show.
He'll come to them.
But it makes them feel uncomfortable.
People feel uncomfortable.
Like, all right,
you're looking at me and I don't know how to react. And that's how I feel when A, I'm in a
lap dance that the owner bought me so I would mention them on my next show. And I don't like
listening to Bingo songs because she clomps around and stares at you to look like I don't know what to do with my face.
Oh,
good transition. Oh, is that a minor
chord?
I did fuck with her about that because she's
like, oh, well,
Tariq and I, well,
I know you don't want to hear
this. She always
starts out with the takeaway. I know you'll't want to hear this. She always starts out with the takeaway.
I know you'll say no, but I know you don't want to hear this,
but I want to explain this, but you won the lottery.
We're working on this new song,
and it's about this seven-year-old girl named Lily Rose.
But what I didn't know is that Tarek made 22 different transitions
from 4-4 time to 7-8 time.
And I'm like, but because I pick up on the thing two days later
during Super Bowl party that never ends,
she's like, will you listen to it?
And she puts it on.
It's only the first verse in the chorus.
And when it ended, I'm sleeping on the couch.
Listen.
And I go, yeah, I love it.
It's weird how you made that 4-4 time blend in with the 7-8 time.
She's like
you remember me saying that you're just
fucking with me
she goes it hadn't even
gone into the fucking
like it was still all four four time
I don't fucking know
so uh yeah maybe
maybe maybe we
take a break and make her come over
and play this fucking song.
All right.
Do you want to put her on the Bluetooth?
Do you want to hook it up?
Oh, wait, no.
Brag to everyone?
It's too late.
I'll just...
No, no, I'm going to have her come over, and then we're going to break until she comes over.
Hello?
Hi, you're on speakerphone.
Do you want to come over and play this song for everyone,
or just play it for me tomorrow?
We're on a podcast.
Yeah, let's come over.
All right.
We're tripping on mushrooms, but we can come over and play it for you.
That'd be fun.
All right.
Oh, I insist now.
Now we insist.
Okay, we'll be over.
This is one of the last days of the Super Bowl party.
You have to understand.
Okay.
Certainly one of the last.
All right, bye.
Hurry up.
All right.
Let's take a break.
Hey, do you have a drop where Bingo says, okay, wait, no.
No.
All right.
Please hold.
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I'm so...
We're back.
It would have been a smite.
Oh, we're back.
Hi.
I'm sorry.
There was a technical glitch in the Super Bowl party.
technical glitch in the Super Bowl party.
We're a
vodka juice boxes here, but
as you've seen on TMZ,
they're known
to be hard to work with.
So they will not
perform live
now.
My management is talking to their
management.
I can play the demo.
But we thought they were going to play live.
Do we have a...
See, Raider left.
I know.
Because he goes to bed at 3.30 in the afternoon.
He left.
He's our lawyer.
Our other lawyer is...
Well, she might come into play because this Kuwaiti is, I don't know.
Point being, do we have permission?
Ringo Bingaman, can you sit down and give us...
Ringo?
She's the drummer, right? You said Ringo Bingaman. Yeah, Ringo Bingaman. She's the drummer, right?
He said Ringo Bingaman. Yeah, Ringo Bingaman.
She's the drummer.
I'll go with that. It's like the worst part
of the band.
Like Beatles.
I mean, I think everyone
would agree that Ringo was the worst
part of the band because I don't know music.
I don't know that he's the worst part
of the band. He's the worst drummer in the band. I don't know music. I don't know that he's the worst part of the band. He's the worst drummer
in the band. I think Paul McCartney.
What?
Paul McCartney
never did one thing
musically ever in his life
as a fan of music.
I say this.
Huge fan of music. My god.
Did you guys bring me cigarettes?
Because there's a fucking payola thing in this podcast.
You don't get your fucking number one hit song played unless you bring me cigarettes.
But I still have one left.
Gringo Bingaman.
Gringo?
I don't know what you're saying.
I'm repeating what I hear you say.
You said blingo
or something and then he said blingo. We have to close
this fucking Super Bowl party
out with a halftime
show that ends it five
days later. And I thought
the best, like, what
the world is clamoring
for... What the world
needs now...
Frank Sinatra. Here's another.
Frank Sinatra.
Frank Sinatra.
I stole it from you
before you said it.
A hole in your
cracker.
Good man.
Bungo, sit down.
Sit in that chair
and tell us why.
Slingo, get over here.
First of all, why?
No, don't you fucking...
Listen, that guy's going to go on a solo career.
I don't know what you want.
I think we're in a better situation than you are.
I don't know what you want me to say.
I don't want you to say anything.
Okay, I'll just say.
I just want to say that that guy.
Yeah.
Tarek.
T-Rex.
T-Rex.
T-Rex.
He's going to go on to a solo career and leave you fucking wanting more.
So fuck what that guy says.
You wrote a song called Lily Rose. No, what that guy says. You wrote a song called
Lily Rose. No, we
wrote it together. Yeah,
you wrote all of it
and that guy just sat there
tugging at your curt strings.
What?
Yeah, you don't ever. Listen,
I have my own version of English.
Don't you mean purse strings?
Purse strings?
No.
Skirt strings.
Skirt blings?
The thing.
Yeah.
Tampon strings.
That's it.
All right.
Coattails.
Coattails?
How dare you come up with the right answer?
Why?
This crossword is only supposed to last for a while.
I bleep that.
We don't put that word on.
Coattails is what they used to call.
Never mind.
That would go nowhere but positive.
Okay.
So you wrote a song titled Johnny Depp's Daughter's Name.
Yeah.
I came up with it before I remember that it was his daughter,
but it's not a name that's used very often.
I was taking one of eight shits I took today.
No.
Oh, I have to shit again.
I don't know why.
But I thought, that's really like that you would name that song that
and not change it. It's about a seven-year-old
girl. Well, that's
in the song. Yeah,
but we know, like,
where did you get the
fucking name Lily Rose from if not
Johnny Depp's daughter? I love the name.
And it's not used very often.
That's it.
There's no other reason.
Can I offer a suggestion instead of...
No.
I want this awkward silence to last.
Give me a name that rhymes with rose and I'll change it.
I've got it.
I've got it.
Instead of Lily Rose, I used to work at a plant nursery, and I think going with the
rose, like that idea of like a plant
how about this
lily spathophyllum
now that could work
spathophyllum
yeah
I want to defile them
there we go
I want to defile them is a fucking easy
rhyme with
here's another one lily pothos There we go. See? Writes itself. I want to defile them is a fucking easy rhyme with...
Here's another one.
Give me another one.
I got another one.
Lily Pothos.
Pothos?
Pothos.
Pothos.
It's called Pothos.
It's another one.
It's creative.
Is it in Greek words for passion?
Yes.
It's a double meaning there.
Tracy knows it all.
I want to poon you in your athos.
Actually, it's not pathos.
It's pathos, P.O.
This song is not about pooning.
It's about a seven-year-old child.
Well, how are you going to fucking strangle a Lily Rose with pantyhose as you asked me for?
Fair enough.
Hey, I need some of his rhymes.
Yeah.
I got another one. Booger out your nose. I helped you with his rhymes. Yeah. I got another one.
Make her out your nose.
I helped you with all this.
But yeah, go ahead, Chaley.
Here's another one.
Here's another one.
Instead of Lily Rose, Lily Star Jasmine.
Jasmine?
Yeah, it doesn't quite rhyme, but it has three of the letters.
Jism.
Well, it doesn't.
Now you're helping them out too much, Doug.
They need to do it on their own.
God, bury in the lead, they say in the newspaper racket.
I got another one.
Okay, give it to me.
Instead of Lily Rose, Lily Leilandi Cypress.
See, I got the alliteration with the Ls.
Give me a rhyme for Leilandi.
Leilandi Cypress.
Wait, hang on.
Cypress.
They banged me in my anus.
Leilandi Cypress banged me in the anus.
I don't know.
It doesn't quite fit, but you're putting me on the spot.
You don't fucking write songs by putting someone on the spot.
You have to have some meaning to it.
And how did a seven-year-old child that you had to write a song about start?
It started by...
Bingo behind the music.
No, it started by us tripping on mushrooms, like as we do.
And we came up with this.
He wrote a killer fucking guitar riff that I loved so much.
And then we put a story to it, and then lyrics came later.
What I found, and this is what got me fired from Rolling Stone magazine
when I was a popular author.
I don't know if you saw Almost Famous based on me.
You go from four-four time to seven-eight time,
but it slows down in the middle.
It's confusing.
To a music connoisseur such as myself, what made you make that choice?
The choice?
What choice?
To use 7-8 time?
To go from 4-4 to 7-8, it confuses the listener.
Shut the fuck up, you dumb dick.
It's true.
Everybody hates it.
Okay, tell me about your perfecter pitch.
Hates it.
Okay, tell me about your perfecter pitch.
I, well, if people out there don't like music, like me,
it's because I perfected music.
When I, because there was perfect pitch, and then I did perfecter pitch, and then I did perfectest pitch,
and that's why I've been shunned
from the music industry.
Oh, is that true?
But I can
listen to your
music and see where
some Rathscallion
numbskull
would go, oh, I don't care
if it goes from 4-4 to 7-8
time.
Do the slap.
Tracy can do 4-4 to 7-8 slapping on a bar mat.
There you go.
And then go to 7-8.
And like.
See, does that sound like a good song?
I didn't know.
I didn't know that at all.
That's a terrible song. I think it's 8-8't know that one at all. That's a terrible song.
I think it's 8-8, which is 4-4.
That's a terrible song.
I think I just doubled it.
I didn't actually do.
I did, I think I did 4-4.
Well, we brought a terrible song, but look at your fucking act.
Excuse me, look at your career.
Okay, bye-bye now, fucking asshole.
Okay.
Bye-bye now.
Fucking asshole.
I'm just saying it's offensive to a lot of people that like music.
I'm not going to do cultural appropriation by saying that your music offends musicians because musicians are a minority.
Nobody likes that anymore.
It's kind of like vaudeville or tap dancing.
No one really likes music.
Oh, like minstrel shows.
Yeah, it's no longer in vogue.
It's very offensive.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to jump in with him.
I was just trying to get to his thought.
I'm agreeing with you, Bingo.
Do you do this in blackface?
Because, I mean, your partner has purple hair to try to offset the fact that he has purplish skin.
Purple skin?
He's a weight.
Waddy.
Kuwaiti.
I thought you said a weight.
Well, it's like
how we made up new
racist names
for Central America.
Or maybe we didn't.
I did. You definitely did.
Yeah. Nicos.
Guats.
Hondos.
Guats.
Yeah.
We haven't done this with Kuwaitis yet, but we can come up.
Yeah, probably something we don't do on recording.
There had to be a point in history where all these,
you can't say that word anymore, started way back before we were alive.
say that word anymore started way back before we were alive so i try to come up with the newest racist thing for a country i don't even know where it exists on a cutting edge
i i want to be known as the forefather of racial slurs yeah for people who don't listen
slurs yeah for people who don't listen people will not know where these countries exist on a map if you don't give them a racial slur that they haven't even earned because no one knows where
honduras yeah call them the fucking hondos and then all these trumpians will figure out on a map where a fucking hondo lives.
Maybe?
And I'm trying to teach people geography.
Oh, that's what this is?
Yeah.
I thought we were going to play bingo in T-Rex's song.
Yeah, we're going to do that.
Book ended with fucking racial slurs?
I don't think that's how they want to be presented.
Oh, do you know where
um, uh,
god damn, what was that country?
Do you know the name of that country?
Guyana? That's close.
Guyana? It's not Guyana.
It's, uh, it's, uh,
uh, but yeah, we're fucking, yeah,
it is Guyana. Wow, you
got it. Off the coast of Africa?
And they call him guys?
See?
That's where he fails.
What?
Where did Jim Jones invite all those people into murdering themselves?
I'm a fucking...
That's in Africa.
Oh, really?
Where is it?
I don't know.
I thought it was South America. It's not South America. It's Africa. Oh, really? Where is it? I don't know. I thought it was South America.
It's not South America.
It's Africa.
Yeah, Guyana.
It is Guyana.
It's in Africa, right?
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I used to think that too, Greg Chaley, when I was a silly little person.
You want me to look this up now?
Is that what you want me to do?
No, it's in South Africa.
Your wife knows. I said Africa. I had to say South Africa? silly little you want me to look this up now is that what no it's in south africa you your wife
knows i was i said i said africa i had to say south africa so south america did i say south
whatever the point is i thought guiana was uh uh africa too but no it's uh on the upside above Columbia in South America.
Really?
Which is the one continent that I have not ruined with my brilliant comedy.
Geography with Doug Steele.
I'm going to bring him to the fucking Super Bowl.
Fuck, you're right.
We don't even have the Super Bowl.
It's on the northern coast of South Africa.
That is crazy.
No wonder.
Yeah, that makes sense now.
Oh, man.
Yeah, you're right, Doug.
For once during this podcast, you're right.
It's where exactly?
The northeast coast.
Well, it's kind of if you split South America in north, south, east, and west, it's like almost due north and then like just east of that north point.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Well, look, the more you know.
Yeah.
Look at this. I know that because I've always looked for a reason to go to South America
to click one continent off my box.
And that was a place where Jim Jones killed...
No, you don't...
No!
I know.
I know.
The lawyers have left.
I can't say he killed them because of libel issues.
He invited people in to kill themselves with Kool-Aid.
And I don't know if...
Has anyone ever Google searched if Kool-Aid was actually the product?
Or was it an off...
I think it was an off-brand.
It has to be an off-brand. I think it was an off-brand. It has to be an off-brand.
I think it was an off-brand.
Like Wyler's?
Not an off-brand.
Wyler's Grape Juice?
Not Rated, but I think it was an off-brand.
Let's fucking, let's sue them.
Ask Andy Andrews.
Let's do a lot of weird shit.
Chaley, I'm serious.
I'm fucking done with doing stand-up comedy.
I know.
I looked at your tour dates.
Oh, no.
You fixed them finally.
Not finally for me.
What do you mean?
No.
Alright. That goes nowhere.
Hannigan says,
I get these... Alright.
I get these emails, I was gonna
say, but what I'm saying is I get two emails saying,
hey, will you sign my book in April?
I'm not going to be anywhere in April.
What the fuck?
Yeah, the dates are updated now at DougStanup.com, and check that out.
If you thought you were going to see something
in March or April, wrong.
It's late
2021 and 2022
for the UK dates.
Yeah, when I was tripping,
I thought, I need to stop
doing comedy that seems
to matter and go back to just being
stupid.
Fart jokes.
Poop jokes.
Yeah, that's funny. I said everything that matters.
Maybe I go back to that.
But that's what happens at the end of a fucking
five day, what is it?
Six day Super Bowl party? We'll call it five.
Yeah. Maybe I have to just
take a nap. I'm going to take a
Seroquel. And I wake up or I don nap. I'm going to take a Seroquel.
And I wake up or I don't.
But yeah, let's just go back to being silly.
I don't know if I ever was.
Worst geography lesson on the planet ever.
Actually, no, I learned.
Vodka juice box is here.
I forgot. I got the song queued up. We'll play it. Wait, no, I learned. Vodka juice box is here. I forgot.
I got the song queued up. We'll play it.
Wait, what song? Lily Rose.
She didn't want to play it on the air yet.
Let me delete it. I just deleted it.
She just wanted to play it for that.
Yeah, we're not done with that at all.
Hey, listen Patreon listeners.
Eventually, you're going to hear this song.
We're going to do it right now, and I'm going to lay down under a table
with a beautiful fucking feather jacket.
I'm stealing your jacket.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey, next year, bet.
Browns against the Lions.
That's going to be the Super Bowl.
Solid.
And I'm going to try to stay alive until then.
Until then, here's Vodka Juice Box not playing. okay bye bye now សូវាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ូវាបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានប� Thank you.