The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#437: 'Get The F**K Out Of My House' Season

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

It's an old school, post Super Bowl podcast and Doug is reflecting on a year of living in Covid times, another listener tragedy to report and Drunk Doug's message to Sober Doug.  Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" available exclusively at Audible.com - https://amzn.to/31uwvO0 Recorded March 08th, 2021 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/. When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - Mix Tape Time Machine Podcast with John Norris, Matt Collins and Ggreg Chaille - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mix-tape-time-machine-podcast/id1554596023  Whatever Spanky Podcast with Chris Hughes - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDTvWybhvpQ  Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I still do weird shit that I never knew I would have probably done this my whole life if I hadn't gotten fired. And to this day, I think, was that like a... They were guidos in North Jersey. Were they mobsters? They seemed like mobsters. So I remember the guy came down. He goes, I've watched you in the last two hours.

You stocked two shelves. You smoked 18 cigarettes. And you ate three packages of fucking donuts. You're fired. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Like a light. Like a light. Like a light. Like when the mics go live, it lights up.

I know, but we had one of those that said on air that we sold at the eBay yard sale. I'm sorry. Hey, welcome to round two of this podcast. Chaley forgot to hit record. And I went into this swimmingly. I had confidence. I mean, even though I was talking about what was in the moment. We're doing an old school podcast.

It feels like a Christmas Eve. It's almost Chaley's birthday Eve. It's close to some holiday, but it's just me and Tracy and Chaley in the fun house. And this will... This is the way God intended it. Adam and Steve and Eve. Polyamory. I feel amorous, but I also just took not one, but two edibles.

I doubled down tonight, Chaley. But that was just 20 minutes ago. I don't think it'll affect our permanent record. We'll let you know. Yeah, we had such a roll going. Chaley was just chastising me about a gal that came to the house yesterday that I just... Well, no, you had said what you just said now.

You repeated it, that, oh, it's just me and Chaley and Tracy for a year now. And it's like, well, no, that's not true. And anyone who walks by... Wait, wait, wait. Going back, what I was saying is that we're roughly at a year of COVID lockdown. So basically, it's been me and Chaley and Tracy and the listeners. I'm talking about the podcast. I'm not talking about tonight.

The podcast is just us. Well, our last night on the road with you, I believe, was March 9th. It was at the second night of the Neptune Theater. And then we drove back to Boise, and you got on a plane and went to Baltimore. What was the hotel we stayed at in Seattle? I love that place. Right across from the Neptune. That one's so fun.

Kitty Corner from the Neptune. Graduate? Something like that. I think that's what it was. It was a boutique hotel. The key cards of the rooms have different authors of them and I got Judy Blume and I was super excited.

Or Beverly Cleary. Beverly Cleary is what you got. Tomato, tomato. Yeah, I still have it. You know what? It just reminds me. That's when Matt Collins, who was just on the podcast we were doing.

Oh, yeah. Matt Collins was filming something. That's right. And he was talking to me about comedy up in Anchorage. And then you came in. Into some banquet room that you had hijacked. Yeah. We shoehorned our way into that thing.

Yeah. It was very fucking cool. And that's why I'm saying, if it's The Graduate, they were awesome. Because they're like, these guys, they're going to start filming in the lobby. And they go, you can have the Denali room. And they gave it to us. And then you came in, and you were a fucking rock star.

I mean, I hemmed and hawed for an hour. And then you came in and just fucking laid it down. And I've not heard a word about that. I keep forgetting to ask them about it. Oh, is it an Andy Andrist production? Was it about the history of comedy in Anchorage? Yeah, it was about Anchorage and the comedy scene and then the thing we were talking about with me

was about me starting the open mic and getting all the comics to actually start doing comedy and then with Doug it was like, hey, you want to sit down? And then fucking just had plenty of stories about coming up and doing comedy up there, in addition to doing comedy all over the globe. Yeah, my anniversary is March 20th when I got back, finally. Yeah, to here, yeah.

Because you got bounced around a little bit. Yeah, and then I'm going back out. I'm teasing you with this. But yeah, on my one year anniversary, I'm hitting. I'm not going out on the road, but I'm hitting the road to get the fuck out of here. It's been a year. No, I don't have vaccination in my near future. Greg Chaley does because he's turning 55 on Friday.

Yep. We don't say dates. Sure. Remember when you were 18 and now I'm an adult and then 21 and then you go, there's no more milestones.

25, I can rent a car. That's it. Oh, now you're like, oh, there's no more milestones. 25, I can rent a car. That's it. Oh, now you're like, oh, I wish I was 65. I wish I was 55. I put that out, Jaylee, because I knew it would be bifurcating. And just as a Twitter poll, would you be more likely willing to take the first vaccine ever for any given vaccine or be the first person to take a long trip in the backseat of a self-driven car? Well, I do the vaccine because clearly there's an advantage to that uh the cars i don't fuck i don't

i don't trust technology that much yeah no fucking well a lot of people don't trust vaccines they're trying to put chips in us and jesus that's problem, is that a computer error happens all the time. Computers are fallible. It happens all the time. That's what I knew it would start. A dialogue, let's call it. Let's call just people talking ignorant shit on Twitter opening a dialogue. Is that what you're talking about me?

No. No, I'm saying fucking some person already said, Is that what you're talking about me? No, I'm saying fucking some person already said, well, you know, fuck the self-driving cars because computer hackers will hack into them and make you crash. No. Right. No.

I've been that guy. There's a, I just saw there's a commercial spot that's on, it's on a rotation. So if you're like on, you go to home page on Yahoo or wherever you get your news, there'll be these things that come up. And there's this company called Astra something. Lied? No, they're creating an intersection.

Astro Glide. It was a joke, for Christ's sake. Oh, I thought you said lied. I thought you said lied. They create an intersection, and they create the buildings, but it's all like blazing saddles where it's just the storefronts, and you can't see around them, right? So it's a true blind intersection, and it's just a cross, right?

And they've got a fucking semi coming one way, and three other cars all converging on the intersection, and they've got people up on the tops observing. And the tag on this thing was like, one of these four cars has an actual driver, and they're all fucking speeding to this thing. And I'm like, whoa! But they didn't show it.

I'm like, I want to watch this movie. This is fucking great. It's like a video game. Just keep playing it over and over until something happens. That's one of my newfound phobias that you know about is when you're coming towards a fucking red light. Oh my God. And then I'm telling you, break, break, break.

And now when I see it in movies, I'm like, break, break, break. I do that when I got a green light. I still massively look to the left and right to see if someone, too many cops shows or something where people are blasting through the red light. I'm totally looking both sides. And because of April. Cop blows the red light and you still are at fault. Yeah, that's the sad thing.

Yeah, remember telling Chaley, listen, fucking just hit the brakes. Let me know that you're aware of this. I don't like to backseat drive or drive. But you're also paranoid. Yeah, like, oh, fuck. Cab's the worst. My mother, I wrote about that mother

and digging up mother where she would fucking stomp on imaginary brakes in the passenger side. I know what I'm doing. I'm the most aware driver. Knock, knock, knock. These are things that you fucking say right before you get fucking...

Oh, let me get into that. Do you remember when I did Brendan Walsh's podcast 10 days ago? Yeah. And then I got off just in time because my old friend, Chris Huggy Bear Hughes, had emailed, hey, can you do a podcast? He'd seen me put out drunken tweets. I want a podcast right now. Send it for a Zoom link. I'll podcast.

Well, I just got done with Brendan Walsh in time. I told this guy five o'clock and then I clicked on it. It wasn't the same Chris Hughes. And I'm there with a fucking wig on and a scarf and stuff. You did Brendan Walsh's world record podcast.

Yes, the world record. So I dressed up for the occasion. You did Brendan Walsh's World Record podcast. Yes, the World Record. So I dressed up for the occasion. You look good. Appropriately. Yeah, with my hairpiece. And then I immediately go, oh, this is, I'm sorry, I thought you were an old friend of mine, Chris Hughes.

And then he's like, okay, if you don't want to do it, I understand. And I go, nah nah i didn't really have much to say to chris hughes who i haven't seen since 1991 or something uh so let's just go and then the kid had nothing nothing yeah so it went like six minutes of i was trying to start it and then he was awkward and and eventually i just said listen uh i'm just gonna i gotta go eat i'll just give you a a a drop hey this is doug stanhope and you're listening to the uh a guy i thought was someone i knew yeah so that was it and he posted it yeah i would

man this is uh really cool and uh that you just uh just anybody i'll just uh well i'm gonna get i'm just i'm gonna go eat now that you're not huggy bear but i'll give you a station id hey this is doug stanhope and you're listening to whatever spanky with chris hughes awesome thank you enjoy that's very nice of you man absolutely uh good luck with the good luck with the show sir oh that's that's nice of you thanks have a good day doug sandrup yeah well today i get an email 10 days later hey uh thanks for spending a few minutes. He was killed yesterday in a car wreck. What?

Yeah, the fucking kid I did the six-minute podcast with, which he titled, I bombed with Doug Stanhope. Oh, man. I could barely watch this video. Yeah, well, not only was he killed in a... He was... Assumingly shit-faced. It was 3.15 in the morning,

and he was driving the wrong way down a fucking highway outside of Columbus. Listening to Deadbeat Hero? Head-on collision and killed the other driver, too. And I think he was, I want to say he was 25 years old. He was young.

He was, yeah, he was young. Old enough to know better. Oh, yeah. 3.15? What the fuck? 3.15 AM. 3.15, nothing. Bar clothes.

It's not even bar clothes. Depends on where you are. It's horrible, though. You're not taking any blame on this, are you? No, no. It's just fucking weird that, oh, that just happened. Oh, by the way, that awkward conversation you just had, he's dead. Yeah.

Sometimes death that should affect me doesn't and then completely random death like that it kind of does uh so hey chris uh hughes the other chris hughes uh tracy's i made tracy sit where i can see her i should have just made you get it. I forgot. Usually Tracy's behind me. We're going to do a Tracy podcast. We want to do that as a Patreon. And Greg Chaley will put up on Patreon questions for Tracy. I knew better than to do this

on fucking Twitter where people that don't listen to the podcast, you have a question, who's at Egg Lester? Yeah. Why don't you do the question and say Patreon only? Because the only way

I can get a question on Patreon is if you're a subscriber, which I answer diligently. I'm on those answers. If we're doing the Tracy as a Patreon, Patreon people are all that matter. I don't want questions from the outside world

I'm trying to get more people to be Patreon people oh yeah that's my point it would be nice Tracy's nice to be a Patreon subscriber yeah

yeah we know a lot of our Patreon people by name from our our happy hours zooms fucking love the happy hours we can do that

while we're gone in Boise as well yeah so so yeah you'll gone in Boise as well. Yeah, so you'll be in Boise. I'll be either at home or allegedly having fled to Panama. Again, this is just happenstance, but in my head, people are fucking with me on purpose. But the same way,

no differently than when I'm very busy fucking doing a project, which means dishes or something stupid, but I'm in the... And then someone calls me on the phone and I'm like, why the fuck are you calling me right now? Like they should somehow know I'm busy. Like they can see what you're doing?

Yes, but like Valentina, who's been here for like two months, which is fine, but then she's, okay, yeah, I got to get back up to Tucson. And I'm like, oh, okay, good.

I kind of, because she would work from over here and she's always doing her Zoom serious fucking business. She's in court on Zoom, so I walk in tentatively. She might, oh, pardon me, you're on a Zoom? Your Honor. Sorry, Your Highness, I had to let one rip. So she's here for two months and uh and then she left and like literally as soon as

she left morgan murphy showed up and then morgan murphy comes over and she's just had like major surgery and she's coming from la i don't want to come inside because i don't want to spread either la fucking covid all over you nothing and i'm like okay then and then but then she's talking me to me through the door and it's like fucking 42 degrees out i'm like why don't you just go back home she's three doors away and call me we can have this conversation i'm just that conversation and then and you when murphy gets a head full of conversation, she doesn't want to stop that fucking sentence. And then Andrew shows up, and I'm like, oh. Handyman Andrew.

Yeah, Handyman Andrew. Handy Andy. I have a couple of projects we talked about. He goes, why don't I show up on Monday, and we can talk about it? Well, this is, you know, sometimes you say that, and then you don't really want to talk about just the idea of projects happening at that hour. We'll just have coffee and chat.

And then that chat went on, and I'm like, how do I get out of this? And then Chaley says, hey, I need you to sign something. We've got to go to a notary public. And I'm like, oh, Chaley saves the day. Again. Good work, darling. And fucking Olivia Grace. She's like, hey, do you want to come up to Tucson

and talk about this project we're working on? This weekend, I went, you know what? Chaley's are going out of town. Valentina's gone. I think I'm going to just enjoy this solitude. And she's like, okay, well, can I come down Wednesday? I'm like, what the fuck? I know.

Again, this is all. It's in my head because it's all happening within. Before I can shake off a hangover and make a breakfast burrito. Get the fuck out of my house. Did you not read my last book? It's after Super Bowl. After Super Bowl is get the fuck out of my house. Did you not read my last book? It's after Super Bowl. After Super Bowl is get the fuck out of my house season.

I mean, to be fair, you do bring some of this upon yourself. Absolutely. And when I say some, I mean all. Because people if you said no, then they would stay away. But you backed down. But I did. I did. Well, I said I stay away, but you backed down. But I did. I did.

Well, I said, I think I'm going to enjoy this solitude. Be honest. No, actually, on that case, Olivia Grace said, I'm sorry, I was just really hyped up. But I did say, actually, I don't want to go out of the house because I want to enjoy the solitude of not having people at my house for finally. It's a month after Super Bowl now. But you know, with the Olivia thing, couldn't you just as easily do a Zoom conference with her for what she wants to talk to you about? And I'm not beating up on Olivia. I get it.

You know, she's lived here for a while. I have other psychoses like get your shit out of my house and she has three pieces of mail so maybe i do want her to come down just to get that fucking mail i still have charcuterie in my fucking refrigerator fucking i have five gallon bags of goddamn Roma tomatoes still in the freezer clogging up an entire freezer we just took then yeah you just took more why did you take more Roma tomatoes I said I would Dave Rader who knows that that's a fucking psychosis of mine brought more Roma tomatoes over bottom

for me because I told him that he could give them to me and I would make that doesn't excuse it. He should know that to make sauce and freezer. He should have done it behind your back. Who's behind this Roma tomato thing?

I don't know. That's a weird thing in Bisbee. People are dropping off cases. I know who dropped off my case. That was Joby. But since then... But Dave and somebody else

had a case of tomatoes dropped off to them. But who gave them to Dave? No, we don't know. That's what I'm saying. Somebody else that we know also had a case dropped off. It's Joby. It's Joby.

Somebody that knows that we have a camera because nobody's dropped them off at our house. Couldn't know. No idea. Yeah. But Mackenzie Bird Cloud yeah she's up in Phoenix

I gotta pee again I'm sorry I drank a ton of beer on that last podcast that's alright I can hear you guys you can pause it no

we don't pause we don't cancel gigs the other end of the world. Oh, yeah. The other end of the world? Yeah. What?

You were going to talk about the end of the world. No, I'm saving what I was about to say about Mackenzie for Chaley. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust? Or get a patent on that million dollar idea? Do you need a lawyer for any reason at all?

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It's just like Mad Libs. For almost every legal affair, don't throw away your hard-earned cash on some stiff in a suit. Go to foolforaclient.com and show up in court in your pajamas. Thanks to foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com with the number 4 because someone else has the spelled out version. I'm so... I'm happier that you're getting the fuck out of town

than me. Me, it's... Alright, this is... No, you need to get the fuck out of town. That I don't have any doubt about. Or a change of scenery. Yeah, but I need to do this just to get my head back into...

Oh, having nobody here is the best change of scenery for you. Yeah, and then I thought, oh, that's a good reason to fucking quit smoking. I would have to eliminate Dave Rader for two weeks and Morgan Murphy because they're smokers. Wait, is Morgan smoking?

Yeah. I thought she stopped everything. Okay. Everything but smoking. So Mackenzie says, hey, we want to come down with Barnabas, my one-time dog. You're a part-time lover. Yeah. I found easy lover when I was looking for part-time lover.

Now that song's going to be stuck in my head. Sorry. It's a terrible song. It's awful. Better than the weed that's playing behind your head right now. I love weed, so shut up. So they said, hey, can we come down Thursday? She's up in Phoenix

with her friend Taylor and my dog Barnabas. And I went, again, this is on the heels of everyone get the fuck out of my house. Well, McKenzie's only here

here and again and I want to see my dog. I definitely want to see my old dog. And then I realized you guys are going to be gone. And when there's strange dogs at my house, Meatwig the cat goes to your house for refuge, like an embassy.

But if you're not there to let him in, that cat's sleeping in the fucking cold in the winter. And we just cut down all of his habitat over here. Where he normally hangs out, yeah. We're going to be putting in the retaining wall. He hates it And we just cut down all of his habitat over here. Where he normally hangs out, yeah. Where we're going to be putting in the retaining wall. He hates it. I just realized that. Yeah.

So, yeah, I did have to say no on that one. And then she said, well, when are they leaving? Maybe we'll just come, if they're not leaving until Thursday, maybe we'll just come down tomorrow overnight. Well, we were up in the air between Wednesday and Thursday. Don't. Just wait two weeks. Wait a couple, three weeks. Just wait.

It'd be great if they were here when Colleen and Bart are here because they're all musicians. And it is Music March. We'll take pictures for you. Mackenzie's... You have to be here for that. No. We'll take pictures for you. Mackenzie's a... No, you have to be here for that. No one's going to wrangle her.

No, she doesn't come down here to play music. Yeah. Yeah. She's in no rush. She is as reticent to get back into music as I am to get into stand-up comedy again. But I am looking forward to driving a long distance. Hold on a second. Just remembered,

weren't we going to do a recording during the 22nd to the 25th? Yeah, I think I... In-house? I'm also thinking of pulling that off where I'm going. Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah. of pulling that off where I'm going. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. That can wait. Everything can wait. You know what else can wait? I realized today that book doesn't need an epilogue. I've been sweating this

and I'm writing shit and I'm like I realized everything I'm writing is a completely different story I'm trying to write about 2020 as an epilogue to 2016 and like this I wrote a fucking perfect book I'm happy with the book

why am I sweating and I call Brian do you remember when I stopped running for president? How fucking miserable I was when I started taking that seriously? No, I remember how relieved you were when you stopped. Yeah. Not how miserable you were because we were all trying to go, yeah, I guess we're doing this. Yeah, we'll do this. We'll go to Vegas. We'll all get to do it. Penn Jillette will show up. Penn Jillette, all right. This is for real. Oh, fuck, this is for real.

And then when you finally quit and said, I'm done, because it was going to get into finances and being on stage, and it was like, oh, all right, I'm done. And it was such a sigh of relief for everyone. I've never felt. No, of course for him. But've never felt... Of course for him. But we're all trying to help along the way going, are we sure we want to do this? And I've never been

less fun in my life. Yeah, it was a pretty miserable month. A couple months for sure near the end there where it was, yeah. I was just so in the depths of things I will never understand and trying to learn about.

You were reading a book on presidential stuff or something. How to be a presidential candidate for dummies. President for dummies or something. It was crazy. It's like, this is not. There's no money in this. I remember doing bits about it, saying how I'm reading all these books about things I don't understand.

I could try to reverse decades of fucking alcohol brain damage by simply applying knowledge. Some of the comedy was really good about running for president and the things you run into. The problem was that you really were running for president. And that was the run into the problem was is that you really were running for president and that was the problem because it was weighing on your head no matter what because we were on tour part of that it was fucking crazy yeah i mean i was wearing in no refunds i was wearing the libertarian jersey uh in anticipation of it. Yeah. So today when I realized that book doesn't need an epilogue.

When I listen to audible shit now because I'm not driving long distances, a couple times I've gone to Tucson, once I've gone to Phoenix. And I go, okay, I'll find one that's, oh, two hours and 47 minutes long. Perfect. Like, yeah, whatever I'm writing for an epilogue

is a completely different story. It detracts from the book. And if I wrote that as a standalone, it doesn't have to be a fucking full book. I can do audible shit and just make it, yeah, here's a fucking two and a half hour epilogue. It's a separate thing and not take away from the book. That book closed perfectly.

Why am I going to fuck with it? So what did Brian say? Well, okay. That's it? Well, no. Oh, okay. He called back in an hour. You know, when you drop some fucking,

drop some knowledge as the elderly say now. You dropped a bomb is what you dropped because he was waiting for the epilogue. I took a giant rectum stretching shit is what I did. I'm like, oh, I don't need to do this. I've been sweating this for months. Is that the phone call? The rectum stretching shit? Well, he's like, oh, well, first of all, he's like, well, I'd have to, like, he was kind of, his tone of voice was he was counting on me protracting, writing this forever.

And so when I said, yeah, I'm not going to do an epilogue, we just put it out. Oh, well, then I'll have to go back. Because we're self-publishing this. Yeah. He's like, well, Chaley will have to buy this himself from Amazon. We know how it works. How is that any different?

Point being, he was scrambling for, oh shit, now I have to be ready. Henning can't get me a deal on the new book? What the fuck, man? I think the amount of people that would only buy it if it had 20 extra pages of missing content.

He's like, the people that listen to it on Audible, that was what we were both feeding into. Yeah. They'll fucking buy it just so they can get a signed copy. They can buy signed books. Are you going to put pictures in the book? No. They'll fucking buy it just so they can get a signed copy. They can buy signed books.

Are you going to put pictures in the book? No. No? No, I will put a dedication to the best Western who did everything in their power to not kick me out for fucking continuing to smoke in that room because I had to disappear from here because people wouldn't get the fuck out of my house while I was writing it.

Was that that? That was this book? Oh my god. Yeah. I barely remember where that Best Western is. Is that past the Peacock? Yeah, no, that's the Royal. It's a great Best Western. Love that place. They do comedy in the lounge there now.

They do? Yeah. Best Western Royal. I don't know if it's Royal or Royal Sun. Royal Sun. Royal Sun. Because they do karaoke there for sure. They did karaoke.

Now they probably still do because they did it several times a week. The dingiest fucking trees lounge bar. So beautiful. times a week the dingiest fucking trees lounge bar so beautiful uh yeah and mostly people that are from the neighborhood and not from the hotel that drink there the people at the hotel it's it's it's a good walk but it's still walking distance from fourth avenue where all the fucking shit is so the people that stayed there would go there and all all these old people would show up for karaoke or even happy it's a fucking great place it's really fantastic and uh i don't know at what point they would have said because repeatedly mr stanhope um the room reeked of cigarettes.

The oseum, which we swore by on the road, that was for a night of a little bit of smoking after a show. Three cigarettes, max. Yeah, I'd stay there for a week just chain smoking. Even though you had a patio that you could smoke on. Good patios, too, as I recall. Great patios. Yeah. No, that's your thing at the airport.

No. This had just the railing. Yeah, it had a good little patio. Right out front. Yeah. It was cool. It wasn't fantastic, I guess I should say, but it was good. You overlook a parking lot, but I mean, what are we talking about?

We're talking about Best Western. We're not talking about the W. But it wasn't a patio so much as a walkway. This is like a motel where all the rooms face out. Anyway, so I'll dedicate it to them. Actually, that's why I have all those vintage Best Western ashtrays that I bought off eBay. I want to send one to Angela at the Best Western Royal Sun

with a hard copy of the book. No, send her one of our ashtrays. You've dug stand-up ashtrays? No, no. I want a vintage. I have a bunch of vintage Best Western, and I want to have a signed book that goes to Angela at the front desk. She would try to cover for me in the smoke. We do everything to fucking... Hide it.

Like not the rotted shrimp idea or the carp in the microwave. No, no. Which we did do in Louisiana. Wait, we did what? Put a fish in the microwave in Louisiana. Wait, we did what? We put a fish in the microwave in Louisiana. Did we? Put something real stinky in the fucking microwave.

You didn't do it until the fire alarms went off. We had so many ideas for that. Is that the place that had the two? Just buy curry, get Indian takeout. It started with the rental car, rental van, when we used to actually use the rental panel van. Instead of driving from here to the gigs and then traveling around and driving back,

we would rent a van as we touched down and we would drive it. And I was stressed the entire fucking tour because Junior lazily ashing his cigarette and watching it just fly back into the fucking thing. Like a snow globe. Yeah. So I'm driving.

I keep looking. I can see him. He's just barely getting up to the crack in the window, and more is blowing in than going out. I'm like, just ash it on the floor, fucker. And I remember the fucking hotel. I remember the car wash that I went to. And that's where I thought of the shrimp.

Of like, why don't we just put something stinky. My idea was Indian takeout curry. And just leave it for three days. It's not illegal. It's illegal to smoke. It's against the rules to smoke, and you can get charged. But you can put a fish.

You can go, I went fishing, and they go, okay, hope you caught a lot. And it's as egregious as cigarette smoke. Right. And I remember cleaning that car out so, like, scrubbing it. It's when we had the suits. It was one of so, like, scrubbing it. It was when we had the suits.

It was one of the, like, after we did this. Oh, when you got the suits in Georgia. Yeah, it was at the end of that tour. Original Kings of Comedy suits, not vintage 76. Yeah, yeah, you had them made. Yeah, these were fucking black guy fucking. Yeah, white suit, white suit, yeah. But it was at the end of that run where I'm at the fucking thing,

just scrubbing like all this. I've got one of those coin-op places. Atlanta? I think it was probably Atlanta. Yeah, and I was fucking scrubbing all it with the vacuum, just trying to get all the suns. And there's burn marks.

You can't do anything about a burn mark. The shrimp did it, you know? There's nothing you can do about that shit yes it was it was crazy and that's why i'm so glad that yeah but it was like a 250 fine and we were on the road for fucking three weeks we spent that much at a sushi place on one night on dinner i remember when i was uh arranging car rentals for the comics up in anchorage and we had a deal with uh the car rental at the right at the right at the uh at the airport and we would get i would get the car before the comic got there and then i would pick them up in that car and then it'd be like uh price is right and here's your keys but i talked to his name was was it bob yep yeah so bob was he was the the head the lead manager there and i asked him about it i go like so what's the deal with the smoking he goes look man honestly don't be a dick

don't have don't like turn in the car with like stubbed out cigarettes in the ashtray because people do that they go i didn't smoke it's like right there he goes first of all there's not been an ashtray for every smoker out there listening that's going there hasn't been an ashtray in a car since fucking 2001 that is but it's filled with connections. Anything you can plug into a car to make electronics. If you're not obvious about it, and you clean the car, clean it out before you're done. And that was my template to when we were going on tour. It was what Bob told me. He goes, just don't be a dick about it.

And I was like, oh, all right. But then, Junior, lazily doing that. You can't do anything about that. Well, the smell of Junior should overpower the smell of cigarettes. I love Junior, but it stressed me out. He hasn't smoked in a long time. I know. He's fucking awesome.

Yeah, he still doesn't wear deodorant, though. True. You still don't want to rent him a car in the summer. He used to have the smoke to cover up that smell. That's where we started using the Axe body spray, in the hotel rooms. It's because it's absolutely ridiculous that one smell is offensive, but the other one isn't. It's like, Axe is clearly more offensive than cigarette smoke. It's the worst.

Yeah, I forgot we switched from Osium to Axe. Cheaper. The little Axe. Cheaper. The little towel. Cheaper and it really does work. It's, uh. It's all right. It's all right. We love the ambient sound of cocktails being poured.

It makes everyone, all the listeners, are relaxing at the wheel, driving the wrong way down an interstate at 3.15 in the morning. Alright, I'll make a shot for Chris. I'll take one too, please. Pour me another one too, Tracy. Yes, please. Not as big as that last one.

That was a huge shot last night. When Tracy goes to the it's just a little inside baseball. You don't see this, Doug. When Tracy goes to the it's just a little inside baseball when Tracy you don't see this Doug when Tracy goes to the fridge

to make a drink or to do whatever she does over there she raises her hand so that I can pot her level down because of the ice there's so much going on

that you don't know about no that's right like right now she's talking while she's at the ice after she raised her hand so it's not coming through but't know about. No, that's right. Like right now, she's talking while she's at the ice after she raised her hand. So it's not coming through. But it is one of those things that we do.

It's good to have inside baseball. I like it too. Also be good. That's fucking completely off topic. That's a great fucking sound. Did you just hear that? Oh, you can hear it. I can hear it because I got the headphones.

The pouring? Tracy's pouring into the fucking, into the shaker. Sounds great. I know people email me about the sounds, the background sounds. Yeah. I get tweets every once in a while. People liking the sounds of the natural sounds of the bar. I'm going to shake now.

Yeah, go for it. Shake it. Have we talked? That sounds nothing like a Polaroid picture. Last about a thought. Have we talked about changing the bar? That's what I was just going into, but I'm sure we have. Yeah, so we're all looking at each other. No, we've talked about it.

No, on the podcast. Yeah, I assume everything we've talked about it. No, on the podcast. I assume everything we've talked about, we talked about on the podcast. Last night, we still had fucking detritus from days before.

Whatever you were making in those fucking blender things. Oh, yeah making in those fucking blender things. Oh, yeah. Those beautiful margaritas. You asked for those. Yeah, but I thought she was doing it.

I thought you were doing it in the Vitabix. I did. And then I didn't have big enough containers. So I ended up putting them in those. Oh, that was during

the happy hour. Yeah. Watermelon margaritas. So that I could have them and put them in the freezer so that they wouldn't melt yeah i know sorry three hours of fucking happy hour turns into a devastating drunk and then the next day i remember you were talking about it where you're like yeah no that's oh yeah when we talked about I had work to shift the next day. Yeah. I go, well, that's what I do in the morning anyway, just to clear my head.

I do dishes and I organize at least my kitchen. Even the fridge, even if it's only like, no, I got to get everything organized. I face everything. Like all the labels to the front, like at the fucking gulp and go. As you always should do. Yeah, but I never was like, it was a year of being at home where I go, oh, I was always this crazy. I just didn't have the opportunity to play it out. Hone it.

Yeah, I fucking front all my labels i got fired from my first uh one of my first jobs uh was working when i i briefly lived in maywood new jersey i worked at the maywood iga stocking shelves what's an iga what does that mean that's like a safeway uh or cars or cars yeah uh and you that was part of your job stocking shelves fronting the labels make sure everything's facing out uh and i realized now that for the first time in 30 years i spent a year at home i still do that like okay if i'm i still do weird shit that i never knew I would have probably done this my whole life if I hadn't gotten fired. And to this day, I think, was that like a, they were guidos in North Jersey. Were they mobsters? They seemed like mobsters.

So I remember the guy came down. I've been watching you from upstairs. They weren't security cameras. They have the, oh, Safeway here still has, you know, the one-way, one-way mirrors. Oh, yeah, the big one-way glass upstairs. So they can watch.

Yeah. He goes, I've watched you in the last two hours. You stocked two shelves. You smoked 18 cigarettes. And you ate three packages of fucking donuts. You're fired.

I go, okay. Then I moved back to Massachusetts. Donuts? The cinnamon? I don't know what it was, but he fucking listed all the things I had done fucking up and the two things I had done for...

That would make you paranoid for the rest of your life, pretty much. No, no, but I realized it's important to fucking face your labels. It is, absolutely, 100%. Always face. When you work in a bar, if your fucking bottles aren't faced,

it's ridiculous. You have to, if you're shit faced in the middle of the night and you go, I'm going to get a snack and you're staring through one eye and one blurry contact into the fridge, you go, Oh, there's nothing to eat.

Oh, if I'd have turned that around, I'd have realized that was something delicious. Yeah. Or dill weed as opposed to oregano. Yeah. That happens. Sex!

Ah! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such! Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good?

I don't know. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Cheers to Chris Hughes. Chris Hughes. cheers to uh chris chris hughes chris hughes cheers i think it's whatever spanky i think it's uh that was the name of his podcast? Whatever Spanky. Okay. It made 10 episodes. Oh. Oh, it was the 10th. I don't know if he cranked out 11. 10th and final.

Yeah. Sounds like. Yeah. Don't drive drunk. Yeah. Not worth it. I've never. I think I've always.

For all my fuck ups, I was always a don't drive drunk guy. Oh, wow. No, I did several years of driving drunk, and it's stupid as fuck. Playing in the band in Southern California before we started playing out, like really playing out on the road, you'd get a gig. I lived in Fullerton in Orange County, and we'd get a gig in Newport Beach, Costa Mesa or something, and it's like, it's not far, but at 2.30 in the morning, when you play at a place called Rumpelstiltskins

that has their own Rumpelmints. I was going to say Rumpelmints. Fucking blue Rumpelmints. That was the thing. You're driving with your fucking hand on the wheel and your elbow on the armrest. And just locked. So you just go straight.

And it was stupid. It was totally ridiculous. Yeah, no, I've done it. But as soon as I was old enough to realize. Yeah, it's fucking horrible. The Walla Walla Washington. Hey, listen. One of you fans found Gertrude Healy,

my old French teacher. I'm sure we've talked about this. A little bit. There's a couple people that I would love to find out what became of them. And one of them was the drunkest I've probably ever driven, only because I was going to fuck this really hot girl. It was Walla Walla, Washington. It was the Red Apple.

It's a grocery store. No, no. That was the name of the venue. Oh, okay. I'm pretty sure it's a Red Apple. In Washington, Red Apple was a grocery store. There was one in Anchorage for a long time. That's weird.

They would call a bar the same thing. The fact that I'm remembering it. I do remember far eastern. They would call a bar the same thing. The fact that I'm remembering it. I do remember Victoria Smith. She was so hot, so outside my fucking... Boxing outside my white. But when you're on stage and you have that opportunity, she was running karaoke before or after. Yeah, and I just...

Yeah, I can drive. If I'm going to get laid get laid i'm gonna say it at what point can you just like call in a woman's power dynamic you knew i was too drunk to fuck much less which i was she's like oh oh this isn't working out yeah well, well, then I went back because this is when I lived out of my car days. So I had, oh, okay, I'll finish up this Tribble run. Oh, you knew her address. And I'll come back. And prove myself worthy.

Yeah, then I went back. That happened several times. The magic's gone though, right? Yeah, it's the Hedberg joke about something about the McRib is here for a limited time only. The venison.

The venison burger or something. It's about, yeah. But I don't know if his joke went into that's why women sleep with you on the road or if that's something I took from it.

Like, oh yeah, you're you're like you're all i i can fuck this guy he's a touring guy he's gonna be gone right not a month later okay anyway back to the dui story which i never got a dui but someone some fans saw me drive out from that gig. They just know he's the comic. It wasn't known or anything. He's driving? They followed me into the hotel parking lot and then said, we just followed you to make sure you're okay because you were all over the road. Oh, God.

Pretend I'm a cop. You'd be going to jail. Yeah. pretend I'm a cop you'd be going to jail yeah and then I wish I I wish it

more than Victoria Smith from Walla Walla Washington who you can't it's you can't Google a Smith

that's true but yeah yeah if I can find those fans and go oh

not only couldn't I drive not only couldn't I get it up when she goes why don't you just fuck me in the ass i'm like uh yeah that's a i still can't do this either i i can barely i can barely stand on my fucking knees one eye behind you barely stand on my knees yeah well if you're behind a girl in it. I get it, I get it. Assuming the position.

It's a funny thing to say. I can barely stand on my knees. Yeah, I'm falling over. So I went back to try to rectify the situation. How much time had passed? I'm trying to guess weeks, because I would have had to still be in that area, and Tribble doesn't allow you to be.

Yeah. So, yeah, and she's, okay, you still be in that area. And Tribble doesn't allow you to be. Yeah. So, yeah. And she's, okay, you can sleep in this room. I'll sleep on the couch kind of thing. You had your chance. You're a buddy now. Thanks. See you in the morning.

And then there was an Andy Smith from Scottsdale. A-N-D-I? With a smiley face over-I? I think so. With a smiley face over the eye? I think so. Or a heart. And she was a waitress. She's the one that I brought the...

Hey, she was a waitress at the club I was working that week. And fucking, again, so goddamn beautiful. And I go, I wanted to bring you something, but I don't know what you like, so I got you a half a pound of olive loaf. With the deli meat? Yeah. The perpetual romantic.

The ridiculous deli meat like your grandparents would go, this is the best olive loaf. It literally has olives in it. Yeah. It's not at Safeway. No, I haven't seen it in a long time. But she thought that was adorable enough to... Give it a try?

Yeah. I think we talked about this. It was kind of a telemarketing secretary. Me and Dave Batman Lewandowski brought her a, just like a, like a oversized kind of end table from a thrift store. Like, I didn't know what to get you. So I got you this. Oh my God. Big chunky fucking oak.

That she has to carry out at the end of the work day. Oh fuck. Straight face. Hey, look, you can't leave that here. I don't have anyone to help me carry. I have a feet up bug. I don't know what to do with. Okay. Thank you. Oh, look, you can't leave that here. I don't have anyone to help me. I have a feet-dust bug. I don't know what to do with... Okay, thank you.

Oh, that's funny. An oversized appreciation gift. That's better than the olive loaf. That's great. I would take the end table over the olive loaf. Yeah, somehow. But yeah, that was just being stupid in telemarketing. This girl I was trying to fuck and it worked.

And then... She was... Oh oh then fucking joey skizzola that cocksucker he was the king of the open mics he's the guy that i always quote gave me the best advice never try to give a comic yeah advice you're just trying to tell him how to be like you uh but he was also it was he was the the big man on campus in phoenix comedy back then and uh he told her about the transvestite hooker thing huh before you got to no after oh after after oh like as a way to slam you like yeah he waited in line to no Becker and you... No, no. It turns out he's gay, and now he's like mentally ill to a point that it's scary.

He has different aliases. Oh, I thought you meant that's what he was saying about you. No, no, he didn't. But back then, he was... But Becker and you did... The transvestite... Easy.

Transvestite hooker. Hooker story. You and Becker in... Was it Tempe or was it Phoenix? Phoenix. Phoenix. It was on Phoenix? Phoenix. Phoenix. It was on Van Buren. And then, like, after you had been with that gal, he goes, well, you know.

He's like, why are you fucking him? Like, he's. Because he wanted to get with her. No, no, he's gay. Oh. Even then? No, he wasn't gay back then. Well, that's what I mean.

Well, he was gay back then. He's trying to front. Whatever. He was just being cunty. He didn't like the fact that I fucked up. So then I brought her to a Melissa Etheridge concert. Awesome. Yeah.

That's great. Oh, she was a big fan. That's where you score. She was? Yeah, she was a big fan. An Emmy show? An Emmy show? Are you kidding me? Turns out it was anyway. She was a Yeah, she's a big fan. An Emmy show? An Emmy show? Are you kidding me?

Turns out it was anyway. She was a fucking heroin addict. Oh, my God. But she fucking chumped me off for fucking, because I fucked a hooker. Yeah, you had no morals. Like, you're a reprobate.

Those are two smiths I'd love to find. Wow. Not worth actually being on Facebook all the time. To find. Hoping that they one day reply, remember 30 years ago?

I don't usually do anal, but this size, why don't you give it a shot? If that's the best you can get it up is anal size, I'll take it. Oh, I could do that. Not a problem. All right, you keep this fucking carriage rolling. It's my turn to piss.

This is where I would take a break. Chaitley, how often do you get scared by the queen? Yeah, I know. She surprises you, right? I you get scared by the queen? Yeah, I know. She surprises you, right? I see her all the time. Every fucking time I walk in. And I'm currently... Oh, that's what we're going to get to when I come back.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Tuttos. Yep. But she's in the bright white clothing, which makes her stand out more than the scarier figure, which is Michael Myers. I'm looking at her all the time. I mean, she's looking at me all the time.

I don't turn around and go, But when you walk into the room, you don't notice Michael Myers because he's in a very demure outfit. The queen is in a bright white outfit, so you see her right away and you're like, oh my God, somebody's looking at me. That's not normal size.

I imagine her a foot shorter than that. Pretty close. Even with the hat. Definitely. She has definitely shrunk over the years. She's like 100 years old. But these two cutouts are my favorites. Definitely.

Because they're part of the fun house. But that's the funny thing is that Michael Myers never scares me. No. He's big, huge, but he's so camouflaged. But the queen scares you, but Michael Myers doesn't. She startles me way more many times than Michael Myers ever does. She's more pronounced. Exactly.

That's what I'm saying. With her bright white like that. So all of your cutouts that you've sent. Fuck. I should put Michael Myers and the queen in the van before it goes away. No. Oh, man. Leave them.

I like them here. They're my favorites. All right. Well, Gansby's going. The life-size cutouts are awesome. So did you get any response on what you're going to do with the cutouts? The principal of the high school is our neighbor across the street. Bisbee High School.

Bisbee. Pumas. Go Pumas. Go Pumas. Puma is a cat. See? Pumas. He does it on purpose sometimes just to make us crazy Pumas. Puma is a cat. See? Pumas.

He does it on purpose sometimes just to make us crazy. It's a Puma. I know you say Puma. The Pumas. That's cool. Hennigan says Puma. Yeah, he's Scottish. So am I.

The van that's been holding all those cutouts because I don't want them sitting around my fucking house. Or getting wet in the rain. Yeah. Well, I have no place. So I kept them in a van. And then we go, hey, high school sports are going on. They don't have fans. We'll donate these.

Loan them out, if you will, to the local high school sports. And the principal is very excited. No way, really? Yeah. So I just parked the van in front of her house. I go, keys in the fucking drink cup. Take them wherever they're going, and then just let me know when you're done, and leave the key where it was, and I'll grab that.

And there are a few. i went to some out right no i didn't i went to let her do it i almost warned her like there's some that might be inappropriate i mean just like someone holding a beer i don't know if that's inappropriate someone sent oj simpson as as well as Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. Three separate. Yeah. Yeah, but the same person sent three separate cutouts. Probably you could get through the whole season and no one's going to realize.

You just put them very far apart from each other. Yeah. You'll be fine. JB basketball, no one will recognize. Maybe take OJ out of it, but if you put Nicole and Ron in there, That's what Doug said last night. If I take OJ out, no one will figure out the other two. But if I put OJ, they'll scan and they might figure it out.

But I say no. Let her do that. And then Jeffrey Dahmer. her do that and then jeffrey dommer but if she's smart or if someone is uh they'll put all the jeffrey dommer evil things on the visiting oh that's so true they should put jeffrey and oj on the one side on the visitor's side yeah i mean if dommer if you just put like a best buy name tag then you just always attack over a Best Buy. He's a geek squad. Yeah.

I think it'll be fine. You're fine. That's great you did that. Yeah, well, I'm glad they're going somewhere where... Yeah, I love it. Yeah.

They didn't have a little bit of a crowd. And if anyone wanted to send something, Killer Termites Day keeps on giving to the Bisbee community. Again and again. July 3rd.

A city proclamation by Ron Ertley. Reticently given by Ron Ertley in whatever year that was. Was that 2016? No. It's over there. The proclamation's on the wall. Oh, that's true. I don't know what year it was. I'm 2016? No. It's over there. The proclamation's on the wall. Oh, that's true. I don't know what year it was. I'm not going to...

I was just catching you up on Seroquel last night. This place was trashed after happy hour. Then I worked my shift. Sunday. Sunday shift. Yeah, when we were talking about this on the

Busboy podcast, you go, yeah, that's right. Like in here, when I was saying my morning ritual is to do dishes, and then you're like, yeah, and you pointed to all the fucking dishes from the day before.

Yeah, like you do those, and I'm like, ah, fuck. I don't want to deal with this there were a few sorry so uh no no it's what i do i was just that's two days of battling a hangover and last night i'm like fuck it i i don't take Seroquel often. It is definitely a coma drug. It's a Jack Nicholson and one flew over the cuckoo's nest kind of dream sleep. So I took that last night.

I'm doing all the right things. I'm going to do a Seroquel night. Means lock the fucking door so the fucking pets can't come in and go at 4 30 in the morning shut off your phone yeah we got that last night yes sleep in your underwear don't sleep in fucking all of your fucking clothes and sweat eight layers and a jacket and a hat and your shoes on which happens more often than I'd care to believe. And I slept so good. But while I was waiting for that Seroquel to kick in, I went, fuck it. I'm

drunk. Let's just start cleaning now. And then I got through that entire fucking monstrosity of a kitchen waiting with one eye for that Seroquel to finally kick me down. And I woke up and I had a vague recollection of that. And I went out to see if Santa really visited. Did drunk Santa really leave me? Were there two presents on the bar top? Yeah. Oh my God.

Yeah, I did all that. With one eye. Fucking waiting to be knocked out by Seroquel and it was even better than I imagined. I'm like, oh my God, this kitchen is immaculate. Oh, that's great. I get a lot of shit done today, get a lot of text messages that I didn't want to deal with, I don't know if you ever, well, I know you with your weird email, where I remember, and this is years ago, where you were on your computer, and I looked at your email, and said you had like 24,000 unread messages.

I think this is back from Coots days. This is my Yahoo account, which I've had since 93. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. 93, I didn't know that there was such thing. My Yahoo account was early adopter. Yeah.

And you still went with that weird name rather than you could have just got Greg at Yahoo. No, back then, there was no... If I would have grabbed... When I did that in 93, I could have said McDonald's at Yahoo.com or In-N-Out Burger at Yahoo. I could have done that. Noald's at yahoo.com or in and out burger at yahoo i could have done that no one was doing that back then that was when i bought my first computer but you came up with

that another weird one for yeah because i did i didn't think anything would be connected to a an identity i just did that i needed a name the drummer for the tasers the band i wrote it for his name is bro i fucking thought that was a cool name. And I don't know how I came up with it. Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. The rest of it. But you know what I mean?

It's like I just picked some fucking, like Tracy has this thing, when she locks the door, she makes up a phrase. And we were locking the door the other day, and she goes, what did you say? Mouse face popsicle. Mouse face popsicle. Mouse face popsicle. I go, fuck it, that's cool, man. And it's like, that was what I did in 93, not knowing what the internet was going to be. That would be the most embarrassing podcast if me and you and you two and me and Bingo sat and opened up about the fucking goofy, fucking relationship-y,

I don't want to say gay things. Right. Sentimental? Embarrassing things like whatever you just said, poop shoot whale trucker. But that's exactly it. That's going to be my next one. Poop shoot whale trucker or but that's exactly it that's gonna be my next one poop wait wasn't that erickson's band in high school oh my god i think it was no it's dj name dj name dj name yeah it was poop shoot whale trucker about where all the names come from yeah just

like the fucking baby talk fucking bingo and I do about poop. She was sending me a very funny poop text the other morning. Like video? No, no, texting like, oh, you should get your, instead of spark plugs, poop plugs or something. Like, it was just poop. Just poop.

All poop related. Yeah. Poop's the best. I don't know what's going to happen with the next stage of my career, ladies and gentlemen. As all this Twitter shit, I do see it waning.

The anger on some level on Twitter. On Twitter? But yeah, like Twitter is my only like vision of what the outside world is like. And that's not really true because that's my fans or people that I follow. But I tend to, when people are having a fucking ordinary day and think life is good is when I would focus on, are you not noticing all this other shit?

And then when everyone's become this political fucking polarized comedian, like, yeah, I just want to fucking team up with Brendan Walsh and be fucking goofy. That's the shit I actually laugh at. I don't laugh at me. I just thought it needed to be pointed out. Now I just want to be fucking

goofy. I don't know. Since November 21st, I have spent less time worrying about news and shit. Because I figure the adults are now running the country and i like after a podcast i'll go answer questions on patreon and stuff like that and it's you know majority is positive it's great and i i like living in that world better that you can

choose which world you want to live in if you want to fucking go down to the depths like the guy on the happy hour the other day, where he's like, man, it's so crazy, all this. It's like, well, you can turn the fucking news off, dude. Yeah, Michael Brown. You can go for a walk. You can also be sober for half the day and then meet your fucking drunk companion at night.

Yeah. It is one of those things. You choose the world you live in. I tweeted today, Chaley, and I was very happy with it. Thanking. Hey, hey, drunk me. Strong work. Doing all those dishes, waiting for that Seroquel to knock you down.

I woke up this morning. It did not go unnoticed. I'm sorry I don't give you enough credit or see all the things that you do. See you tonight. And then at happy hour, I went, replying to myself, no worries, Sober Stan Hope. I enjoy these moments the most at happy hour when we get to share a few shift drinks before we swap out roles.

See you in the morning. Yeah, you're the sheepdog and the coyote. We were just talking about that. That's absolutely. You both brought that up. Really? Yeah, yeah. And then someone put a gif of it up.

Yeah. God, that's fucking weird. In reply to that. Like, within the last 24 hours? Tonight, yeah. 24 hours. Jesus Christ. Two hours.

Yeah. We just talked about that yesterday. Well, yeah, we were talking about that for something else, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I like. I like this fucking stand up. Chili. Tracy.

Yeah. Nice. No offense. Yeah. It's quiet. We have. We have people coming up. Dr. Hook I can't wait for that

but I like this you shouldn't say names just well why not there's no there's no person named Dr. Hook there's stuff coming up yeah

we have a lot of stuff but I also like this it feels like Christmas Eve it does it's weird that was a while ago though right christmas eve no no when we were alone and like hanging out yeah yeah i've never sat on this side of the bar which is that's weird it was it was i don't know if we've talked about this but the

other night when chad shank was here and we were which Dr. Hook. Doing the music. Because we do the podcast with Chad frequently, right? And I see him every week with Issues with Andy. But we're never hanging out. We're never like me in my corner with the podcast and I go, oh, let's play some music. And Chad comes over and goes, hey, do Sylvia's daughter. And then we get going. Sylvia's mother. Is that what it is? I don't fucking know.

Sylvia's mother, yeah. He feeds me something and then I'm like, oh, okay. And then I find out he's a huge Bush fan. And I had no idea. I wouldn't even think. And now I'm like on my computer like as I'm playing Bush songs

in the funhouse I'm like looking up when's Bush coming to Phoenix? Trying to figure out when we can go to a Bush concert, right? Yeah, and it was like I miss that. It's been over a year

since we've done any of that and then he showed up It's been more than that. But he showed up at the happy hour live. He walked in the room. And I'm like, oh, fuck. And then that night turned into crazy fucking night.

You janky people went to sleep. And Chad and I stayed up as we do. Two nights in a row where I would put an eye on the camera in here from my bed and go, can I make it out there? I could have one more drink. And I think one night I did and one night I did not. You did one night in Goonies Night.

When we were watching Goonies, you did come out. That was your work day when you worked at the Shady Dell. You did come out. You were on fire when you came out here, though. Yeah, you had a lot to say. Well, yeah, but he came out to have a cocktail. The night that Chad and I were up, nobody else came out. After you guys had all went to bed, we stayed up late.

Playing our usual shit, man. When Chad decided he was was gonna stay the night he was looking at me like i had the look of i can't stay awake a minute longer like i'm i'm a foot away from you and i can't focus on your face and he had this like yeah i'm up past my bedtime too and then from my, I'd open that one good eye and see you guys still hanging out. I'm like, ah, fuck. But, you know, if you just show up,

you walk in and you go fucking, I'll chase you off as usual. You'll get a fucking drink. You'll get a nice, solid drink. You'll talk a little, and you don't go to bed. It's fucking, it's one of those things. little and you don't go to bed it's fucking it's one of those things yeah you don't have to

yeah you don't have to hang out that Seroquel gave me ten solid hours and I got a lot of shit done and then I realized don't have to write an epilogue the book is already

fucking perfect relief why add on to something yeah yeah why beat yourself up about it we don't have to do it Why add on to something? Yeah. Yeah, why beat yourself up about it? We don't have to do it. Wait, do you have another note?

Do you need readers? Yeah, I think I got all my notes. I think we did a podcast. I think so. Hey, we appreciate all you guys. If you will get on Patreon. Why not support us? Because that's really how this is happening. You know why I wouldn't support us?

Please, expound on that. I would be like, fucking Patreon. I don't know what it means. I don't want to learn new things. Just fucking figure it out. It's easy. That's what happens when I fucking do downers and I wake up refreshed. I go, I'm willing to learn new things.

It only lasts a couple hours, but I do it. And then I feel better about myself. If we're in your window of learning new things, go to patreon.com slash standup podcast and support the podcast. Right now, I'm trying to figure out... Some people are complaining about, not complaining, they're informing me

that there are issues with... With Andy? That's what you would think. There's issues with playing some of the things that we put up on Patreon. I'm going, I'm taking all of, and I'm replying to everyone who sends me anything. Please tell me, because I'm taking that to Patreon to say me anything, please tell me,

because I'm taking that to Patreon to say, hey, why are these people having problems? And I need details. I don't need you to go, hey, man, this fucking sucks. I don't need that. I need, I have an iPhone, the series of the iPhone,

and what specific is your problem? Because I want to take that to Patreon, because if they can't do this, we'll move it somewhere else. We appreciate you guys out there and if you can get onto Patreon, that supports the podcast because that's how we exist right now.

The other thing you could do is just because we do always have drive-bys of people who take pictures outside the house, just leave wads of cash in the mailbox. Instead of regular Patreon? I see it's a federal crime to leave something in the mailbox.

Stop it. We have a box next to the mailbox. Yes, there's a box next to the mailbox. That's the cash box. That's the cash box. That's the reverse ATM. Anyone else listening that wants to steal cash out of that big box next to the mailbox, don't do that.

It's wrong. That's right. It's electrified. to steal cash out of that big box next to the mailbox, don't do that. It's wrong. That's right. It's electrified. Allegedly. What I do that's now saying this into a podcast, I realize is probably a bad thing. I've left wads of cash in there

the same way a diner or a waitress leaves some you know starter cash in a tip jar so other people oh yeah yeah i shouldn't be leaving ten thousand dollars in cash in that box ill-advised when you guys get back from boise or when I get back from the road, at some point we should take that $10,000 of loose cash. I guess we should do. Let's not get crazy. Like right now, it's there. We call it seed money. Seeding.

Why would we do that now? Let's just wait until later. Yeah, when we get back. Yeah, we'll see how much we made when you get back based on the seed money. Look, if you don't put anything out there, you're not getting anything back. You have to lose big to win big. You get what you give.

New radicals. Yeah, it's been in our head. Can we promo my podcast? It's called Mixtape Time Machine. it's with two fucking very funny guys uh i was gonna already promo this earlier because we kind of went into that conversation where you go ahead because the fucking song that someone picked is one of the best is one of no no no no they. The thing is, these two guys, John Norris and Matt Collins, both comics in Anchorage,

they both pick a song, and I get to decide which song's better. And I didn't pick the one you think. That wasn't it. No, but I thought the point was they're picking good songs. No, they're picking songs from a one year. So they're picking out of all the... All right, so they don't have an opinion?

No, they're making the stance. And then I have an opinion of what I think is better. All right. They picked some favorite song years for which... Closing time. He hates closing time i've said since it came out is one of the top five worst songs i i just called to say i love you by stevie wonder is always like vacillating in the number one spot like it's just garbage fucking well it's

hard when you when you have two songs that are just in the same year, that came out at the same time. You have to figure out based on what they say, not how I feel. I'm supposed to be impartial on it. I would participate in a podcast where you pick my worst two bits of my career and i i like i again i'm distanced enough from most except for the last album which pretty close though i mean we're a ways away because i i would i would have a fight in that i could tell you yeah two bits that you i should have never done that like that was i didn't realize it was happening like recorded bits not things i've said on stage

there's a million things i shouldn't have said on stage but recorded bits that are out there maybe we do that that's another thing i ideas i'm throwing out there can i finish the plug for my no no no i guess i i'll lose my the other thing i want to do is uh do a uh i don't know how to set it up i've brought this up before but do you know me better than me like a a trivia show where... I like that. Name that bit. About anything about my life where you think you can stump me of something I don't remember. I hate to be contrary, Doug, but

your memory is good once it's jogged. Once it's jogged. What I'm saying isged. Do you know your French teacher from this? You would go, if you said, name a teacher,

you probably wouldn't know. This is a Patreon. And we pick a contestant or three contestants like Jeopardy. I'm riffing here. We can work it out. We can I love that. Yeah, we can do that on one of the Patreons.

Stump me about me. Because it's an old bit that I talked about doing radio shows where they ask you unanswerable questions. Where do you get your ideas from? What made you want to be a comic?

I don't know. If you get three people from Patreon, like Jeopardy, that think they know more about me than I know about me because everyone knows I don't really remember a lot of shit. Or at least they think they know more than

the other contestants do. Yeah, so we'll work out the rules, but I'd love to do that. And I would love to lose at that. All right, so your plug. Mixtape Time Machine. It's Matt Collins, John Norris, and myself. And right now the year is 1998. We're arguing songs

and I pick one each week from the two that they discuss and at the end of 10 weeks we'll have a playlist we're going to put on Spotify and then you can listen to that and I'm always right and everyone else is wrong which is the way I like it

could we find out why you hate that closing time song so much? semi-sonic Closing Time? Because of every reason you said you love it when the band played it. Well, that says bar people. It's obvious. It's on the nose.

It's very obvious. It's very on the nose. I just called to say no New Year's Day to celebrate. Like, this is a fucking Hallmark card of, oh, I have to go home now? This is fucking garbage. Yeah, but that's why it's best for bar people.

Like, we loved it when it was played because it was an obvious nod to go the fuck home right now. It's the workhorse. It's the dog with a saddlebag. I'm doing my job. I'm happy. I'm doing my job. I'm happy. I'm working. People don't request Semisonic.

They go, oh, I know that song because it's every night I'm leaving alone. It's fucking obvious and boring. It's when I put out a tweet and I go, all right, I know if I tweet it like this, put out a tweet, and I go, all right, I know if I tweet it like this, the obvious joke to fucking suckers, they're all going to say this. The same thing?

Yeah. Back at you? That song appeals to those people. Yeah. That's a greeting card. So week seven, tune in and find out. Mixtape Time Machine, it's on iTunes. It's on Podbean. It's on, it's and find out. Mixtape Time Machine, it's on iTunes. It's on Podbean. It's on music.

It's everywhere right now. No one's tuning in, but it's definitely out there. It's out there. And John Norris was on Near the Wild with me and Becker. So they would remember him from that. And Matt Collins is a guy. I think, didn't you pick him as one of the funniest guys in Anchorage?

I may have, but you're going to have to find that out on the new game show. Does Doug Stanhope remember? You would never remember who did that. No, I barely remember being in Anchorage ever. Oh, when you did the

American Idol thing. Yeah, with you did the American Idol thing. Yeah, with Benini. Yeah. Amy. And then Doug and who else? Was it Becker? I wouldn't assume Becker, but I'm not sure. That's a good one. We're giving him too many fucking things. Yeah, remember the guy that walked out? Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Oh, remember? Oh, fuck yeah. The guy ran, like in the middle of his one minute set, he just ran off the stage outside because he was embarrassed. No. He fucked up one joke and he ran away.

Hold on, hold on. I'm pretty sure you don't remember Anchorage that time at all. Southside. Yeah. It was on Southside. I remember part of that memory of what part of the 11 bars in Coots I was at.

Yeah, you were on Southside. And you guys, I think, slept outside. Anyway, well. In Anchorage? Yeah, it was summertime. You slept outside? It was summertime. Hmm.

Slept? Is that the proper word? Or passed out? Speaking of passing out, we're getting the fuck out of here. All right. Speaking of passing out, we're getting the fuck out of here. Maybe I even had more fun than anyone listening did because I like to spend time with the Chalys. Cheers, man. Where's Bingo?

I don't know. Can she take us out of here? Okay. Bye-bye now. I had a pee. សូវបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានបានវាប់ពីបានប់ពីបានប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពីប់ពី Thank you.