The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep.#506: "Doug's Fireside Intervention"

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Doug needs an intervention. All of them. Recorded Nov 11th, 2022 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Raider, Tracey (@egglester), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille. Doug's new book, "No Encore For The Donkey" now available in hard copy exclusively at Amazon.com. We have no idea what the future holds so get on the Mailing List at https://www.dougstanhope.com/  When we know, we'll let you know. LINKS - BetterHelp.com - Get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHELP.com/stanhope. Visit the Stanhope Store - http://www.dougstanhope.com/store/ Closing song, “The Stanhope Rag”, written and performed by Scotty Conant for Doug Stanhope and used with permission – Available on Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/scottyconant Photo Credit - ChailleSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, the show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the world's largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can simply easily switch to a new therapist at any time. Why? Why? Why, Chaley? I said simply easily.

So I have to do it over again. There's a period after therapist. You're a period after therapist. Your mom's a period. Thanks, Tracy. Tracy gave me that one. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless search for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stanhope. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, help.com slash Stanhope. Leave that all in.

Let's have fun ball busting around. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. That's right, it's Friday! We are so ready to go! So ready for you right now. Hope you can handle it. That's right. Dave Rader's with us.

Not chiming in. I forgot we were doing that. God damn it. You're right. The chair sunk. Right when you said it. Good goodness. It was your energy.

I. You didn't even put it all the way up. I put it all the way up. I put it all the way up. There. That's all I have. All right. I just had a four-day bender of four seasons of the latest. Intervention, if you remember the show, is still on.

It's still out there somewhere. I didn't know that. And there was a free season. Intervention, that's where they come up with new ideas, like things for the future. What is it? I'm not familiar with the show. Intervention, where they do interventions on drug addicts

and alcoholics and whatnot. And it was always a show I loved, and I'm sure I did a thousand bits about at some point. And so it was for free on Netflix. They had one season I hadn't seen. I'm like, shit, this is still out there. And I get through that season, and now I'm hooked. I fucking love binging on Intervention.

So I go, I wonder if there's other seasons on Prime. And there were. So I bought for fucking $199 or something the this uh season 22 there's 22 23 24 i go 22 all right i don't think i've seen any of these and i bought it and then now'm, I watched a whole fucking season in 24 hours, except there were like three, there's a weird thing on, I bought the season. I don't know how you fucking complain to Amazon. Like if it was the front desk, I bought the season, but there were three episodes that said, oh, this is on your TV pass and we'll email you when it's available. No, motherfucker.

I bought a fucking season. You provide me. So then I ended up buying another season. Oh, that'll show them. Yeah. Then I watched that season. It's four days of just constant intervention. At first, I'm like, hey, I wanted to tweet.

Hey, turn off the news and just lay in bed and watch Intervention. You're going to feel so much better about yourself and your because at first you do. You just when my mother would watch, it wasn't a hoarders

was just a word floating around when she was a hoarder. This is over 20 years ago, right? This is 2007. Okay. Ish. And I'd go, right? This is 2007. Okay. Ish. And I'd go, we didn't know the word hoarders,

but, uh, Oh, she, she was a hoarder. She was an early adopter, but she's like, you think this is bad.

This is nothing. You see the people that Oprah brings on. Cause it, before the show hoarders, they would, uh, you know, the Dr.

Phil's would do exposés on those people and that's where she goes that's nothing and that's how i felt oh wait i'm not nearly as bad as any of these people which works for a while until you've spent four days locked into a fucking i need another episode and then i get to the last season, season 24, and I get through those. And then I now the more I'm watching it, the more I'm feeling like an addict and not just in like I'm actually I'm going back to the season 22. And like, what's up with those? Like I spilled crack in the carpet.

I'm going back to those three episodes that I need a TV pass for. And I'm like, oh, fuck scratching and twitching. Like, and I'm like, fuck it. I'll go, I'll go get season 21. And then I get season 21 and I spend another fucking $16 on that.

And then I start it and I need it. And it's the same fucking free one that started this, the one that's on Netflix. I'm like, I just fucking, and you can't call the front desk going. I bought it you can see i didn't watch the movie like i fucking so then i went what and then i had to just bail out last night and that's when i came out with you guys and uh i i took a half a 25 milligram and I'd had some cocktails and I was fucking wound up.

And, uh, and then I took the second half almost immediately. Cause I was just saying to Tracy fucking gummies should come in one milligram. So you can just see, cause you want to eat the gummies. Like eat it out of a, out of a candy.

Yeah. There's like a normal amount of gummies. You don't eat one gummy. Eat 25. Yeah, exactly. But I was so fucking high. And you guys ditched off to bed. You could see I was going off the rails.

And it really affected my high. I was so high, but at the same time going, how much am I like these fucking addicts that I've been watching hour in and hour out for fucking days? Like dozens of episodes. I had to have watched at least 25 episodes or something. Monkey see, monkey do. Yeah, you need to come up for air, buddy. Then I'm high and I'm paranoid.

Am I like that? But then I was coming up with brilliant ideas. I had our new special fucking done while I'm staring at a fireplace log on a relaxation YouTube video. It was so good. God, it was fucking good. Wait, the fireplace was good? Yeah. You like their casting?

I could show you. Oh, that poplar branch. The shapes I found in it. It's like staring at clouds. And what do you see in that cloud? And I'm like, in this fireplace, I saw crashed airplanes. I saw fucking cobras. Relaxing.

It was so good. But at the same time, I'm like. Like a spa day. so good but at the same time i'm like like a spa day but then i did before the podcast which what time dave raider was this supposed to uh oh he said 45 minutes and that was gonna be at what time 4 40 and it was what time now 5 33 okay and and and so i'm just although we haven't i woke up hang on wait for. I woke up still high. We went to breakfast, and I'm like, I'm fucking still high from last night, and I'm still kind of weirdly paranoid, like rock bottom kind of.

Am I just fucked? And then when Chaley's late, he calls Tracy says, Hey, I have to go drop off a check. You think he's still going to be sober enough when I get back to do this podcast? And I just laid on top of the paranoia. You just hit the gas pedal.

I can hear him. I can hear from your phone. She's standing right next to me. Is he still going to be sober enough to do the podcast? Oh, it's all true. I'm fucking ruined. Last night you said, let's do a podcast today.

And then you almost immediately backed out and said, no, I'm taking the weekend off. All right, whatever. So I laid around and didn't watch Intervention, but I did watch some other things to just relax. So I've just been back two days. There's a Fireplace Log channel. I'll get your recommendation there.

So I stacked everything to be at the last minute, like an hour before the recycling center closed. We'll pack up the truck and take everything there. So I did that, and then we go there, and it's, oh, it's fucking veterans day so i didn't even have to get out of bed and then coming back i realized i had some other things that i'd forgotten because i didn't write them down and then uh you called and said hey let's do a podcast so i mean i had to to like kind of move my my dumb things around to be able to i know i said well all right i don't want to make plans and wake up not in the mood last night but then when she bingo told me oh yeah i guess they

went to the dump and it was closed i go well maybe he has a minute between projects i could to record a 45 minute podcast well it would have been an hour if you were on time. We'd be done by now if I was on time. So glad I don't have a boss. We work our own schedules. I don't know. I got these thank yous. Hold on a second.

This is the first podcast back from, I think, we did the last two were on the road. So this is the first one back. Oh, that's a, we had the night off going between Jacksonville and Atlanta that we did the last one. That was a great little motel. We had to do the redo. Oh yeah. The make and redo. Yeah.

Because I, well, yeah. Yeah. I was in a good mood. Yeah. We did two. One day left on the road uh he had the night off before the last show in atlanta yeah we did the whole podcast and record didn't work no it worked i just whatever i was like yeah let's just fucking do it again there was a reverb issue so but it's

not like we were bothering anyone we basically actually didn't they put someone right next to us in that hotel they completely empty hotel in macon georgia and they put you in in like uh 205 or 105 and us in 107 107 no no no but they put someone in between us yeah i know it was like after the fact i mean we were there early they put someone in between us. Yeah, I know. It was like, what the fuck? I mean, we were there early. They put us one room apart, and then at like 9 o'clock, somebody showed up at the room in between. And we did the last night. Chaley wore the same white suit for the entire beginning of the tour

in August to September, and then the end of the tour for October. to September and then the end of the tour. I'd put a dirty suit in a bag and let it sit in the car for over three weeks. Well, you bought it like, this is not like one of our suits. This was a white suit, basically a fucking throwaway Halloween costume. It kind of white. It wasn't that threadbare, but it was cheap. I remember taking it to the lady in Vegas to do the alterations, to lengthen the sleeve or to do the pants.

And I handed it to her. In Palm Springs, I handed it to her, and she looked at me like, what do you want me to do with this? And I'm all, I can get this altered. And she's like, basically, I thought you wanted me to throw it away. You know, it would be like taking the dollar store picnic table cover. It was a vinyl? No, no, but I'm saying is that cheap?

Yeah. And bringing that in to get it fixed rather than spend another dollar. Yeah, what? Yeah. But he wore that. He spent more on it, getting it altered than what it cost. Yeah. But it went great with the shoes.

The shoes were a hit. hit shoes were a hit but the point was he was not he was gonna see how long he could wear a white suit on the road and get it as dirty as he could so the last night it was kind of stained not nearly as bad as you would have expected after six weeks yeah i thought that would have been one week. But being at the New Brooklyn Tavern in Columbia, that's when I put my arm in all the – they'd been burning incense in the sound booth for seven years and just not cleaning it. And I just leaned into an ashtray.

Yeah, basically. Yeah, that just went right up the arm. Yeah, it was – But it was like coming apart at the seams or on the shoulders. Yeah, the shoulder down the spine. It was hulking out of it a little bit. So the last night, they, what's the theater? It was the Buckhead Theater in Atlanta.

So Tracy and Chaley both put on full-on Halloween makeup, zombie makeup, spilled fucking blood down the fucking white suit. We were out of merch anyway. We weren't doing merch. I saw those pics, and I saw the pic that Bingo, apparently you guys let Bingo in the room alone with special effects. Yeah. She's just gluing shit to her face.

She was. She goes, I found this stuff called adhesive. Sorry, that's glue. Yeah, they have blood capsules. That's why they look like blood is spilling out of their mouths. She just took the actual capsule and glued it to her face randomly. And one of the makeup sponges. Torch in.

Torch in, like as a big, like Chad Shank beard. And then it was really very clever. She took two black handled detail brushes for doing around the eyes and stuff and made them look like a very angry Japanese cartoon character with eyebrows.

Severe. Very Japanese look. Even Hningen said that. Very creative. But we couldn't go out in the audience. I mean, I had to, to go to the board and get the show going and everything, but we couldn't go out there and sit in the audience. Anyway, what was it, the 29th or the 30th?

It wasn't actually Halloween. It was the 28th. 28th, yeah. 28th. Yeah, that's always the bummer, getting back on the plane to leave around Halloween. And we always suit up for the planes and the vintage. And, oh, is that your costume? Fuck you.

It's not a costume. Yeah, the whole two weeks leading up to Halloween with the three of us with colored hair. Everybody, oh, you're ready for Halloween, aren't you? Well, yeah. Some of those back roads in South Carolina and Georgia, yeah, you want to look. Oh, no, it's Halloween. Out of state.

Just agree with them, yes. Oh, by the way, when you go to fucking Lolli, nobody beats a Lolli deal. Lolli Chevrolet. You fucking cunts. We spend fucking, well, we've talked about it. The point is, say, why do I have a paper plate for a year? I bought a fucking new van for the tour van. And they give us paper tags that usually you get for 15 days or a month, maybe. Yeah.

Oh, this is good for a year? What? We're driving through fucking South Carolina with colored haired people and fucking weirdos with out of state paper tags on a drug corridor going down fucking I-95. Did you get pulled over? No.

But that's why we don't carry drugs. We had a cop follow us for the longest time. And then when he finally peeled off in this little bumpkin town we were in, we kept going straight. And I'm like, well, it checks out. We're not riding dirty because there's no way he didn't. Oh, they were in your place. Oh, he totally ran it in.

But I notice a lot more of those on the road now. Now that we have one. I see them all the time too. Like, oh, it might be a supply chain thing or maybe the road now, now that we have one, I see them all the time. Yeah. Yeah. It might be a supply chain thing, or maybe the prisoners aren't allowed to make license. No idea. But when you go there to fuck, fix the problems,

give you a half a tank of gas. I just spent more than fucking two teachers made on this fucking in a year on this stupid van. And you give me a half a tank of gas and one key fob. Fuck you. Yeah. And the key fob costs like $350 to get a second one. So yeah,

we'll be making a video down there. I'm working on figuring out this new camera to make some videos. I figured out last night how to make a video while I was high. I saw that. I don't know what you were. I don't know. I just was that high. I was tripping high, Chaley.

I know. Now I know why. Now I know why the video, what you were saying. You guys were looking at the cameras, and in front of one of the cameras, a spider has spun a web that goes across and it's catching the light just so that it makes it look like a

pixie or a little imp or something. That was early. That was early. Bingo is still awake with me high. That's the one you sent me. Oh yeah, no, Shayla, you haven't seen the one on Twitter then. Oh. I took that giant cat head I found at the yard sale. It's not an actual cat's head.

Costume. Costume. Giant, you know, fucking, what do you, Cirque du Soleil kind of. It's like a furry. Mascot. Yeah, furries. It's a furry. And it's orange.

And I put it on that orange chair. And then in my bedroom, you know, the velour orange vintage chairs. So in me, it looked like it was a cat. It's the orange head. And it looked like he had two arms where the arms of the chair are. And I'm like, this. So I took a picture. I mean, just tweeting it was it would take me like 20 minutes to write a sentence to figure out what was i doing why is my phone in

my hand oh that's right and then get the all the letters right and i just all i i had a picture of the cat head that was amusing the fuck out of me. And I didn't know how to caption it. So I just said, we have your daughter. And I was laughing like that for so long that I figured out how to take a video of myself laughing my balls off. Because that's never a bad thing. When you're laughing that hard at nothing and then i tweeted the video again you reach you i with made a new post yeah new post that said we have your daughter yeah same caption but yeah i had a good time but i woke up

still you're getting a lot of use out of that tiger head or that cat head. Yeah. You used it in that promo video for New Year's at the Plaza. Yep. Which is on sale now. Go to DougStanhope.com. You'll see on the tour page. That is your next date.

You could get a decoy if Bingo doesn't want to go talk to people to wear that same prayer robe. Yeah. And cat head, and everyone's just going to think it's bingo. I don't know who could keep that energy up when she gets going, because we did her birthday party the other day. God, she's been a fucking ball of fire. Yeah.

She's here for football Sunday the other morning, last week, whenever on Sunday, I just fucking ripping. She's behind the bar. Just fucking riffing. Hilariousness. You know how she gets verbose and says lots of bad words. Oh God.

Yeah. She was on fire and then crashed by halftime. Yeah. Hey, let's do a quick break. Oh, wait, before that, Bingo, I don't know if I told you, after her birthday party on Wednesday, we went out to the open jam,

and she had a great time, dressed up silly as she does, and woke up Thursday morning and just woke up to a trail of bingo disasters because I went to bed. We were all so fucking tired and none of us really wanted to be out in public. But it's bingo's birthday. So we crashed as soon as we got back early and I woke up. She stayed up.

early and I woke up. She stayed up. Her therapist had made her a pumpkin pie that as I'm walking out, I see her entire costume. That was ridiculous in a giant ball, took up like half the bathroom when she had had it all sprawled out that. Oh, but thank you.

The dead crow in Wilmington. They sent that poster that was on the wall. It said comedy bingo every night. A framed poster in their green room. Yes, a vintage-looking poster. And I go, yeah, it would be cool. I could probably make that myself, but it would be cool if we could steal it off your wall. And they let us.

And they, wait, no, they shipped it. No. I brought it back. Oh, what was it? i don't know anyway uh that was knocked over because it was sitting where it's about to go up it was knocked over there's no glass it didn't break yeah no it was just this then i see the pie pan of the pumpkin pie that looked like it had been clawed out. Like you didn't even use a spoon. Did you just use your fingers to eat most of this and leave that on another counter to get in the kitchen? The fucking,

the silverware spatula drawer is out on the fucking floor with all of the fucking spatula serving spoon, that drawer, everything's like, it drawer, everything's across. Like it didn't have a stopper on the drawer. She pulled it, and then it just fell down. It fell out, and she just left it. It was just utter, complete trail of fucking.

It's like a crime scene. Yeah. That was day two of let's just stay in bed again and watch. Hey, this show is sponsored by better help good segue right hey better help unfortunately life doesn't come with a user manual that's their opening line but they say make it your own you know what sometimes just tweeting your fucking problems and hoping that the general unwashed masses are going to give you fucking strong advice without shitting on you and making it worse. That's not the answer. Better help is the answer. You can just sit in your fucking house and talk to your best friend that's also a complete stranger that you know is not going to turn on you, judge you.

You don't have to go to an office. You don't have to sit in a fucking traffic jam. You can smoke. You can go to therapy and smoke. Think about that. And just unload all that world of shit inside you. Yeah, maybe you don't have to go to a 90-day program. Maybe everything's just fine.

Go to BetterHelp. I've actually used BetterHelp. And I tell you what, it's a lot more response and caring and comfortable feedback than just Shaylee shrugging at you saying do you have all your bags no that doesn't always work as the world's largest therapy service better help has matched three million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available a hundred percent online and you can smoke plus it's affordable i actually did what i was doing the better help with the lady i go do you mind if I smoke during this? As the world.

Sorry, I already said that. And she was cool with it, right? Yeah, she said that was fine. Seems like it didn't bother her at all. Not at all. You could eat and I can smoke. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking,

you can easily switch to a new therapist. Anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no bullshit, no turncoats, no fucking,

no endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash Stanhope. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, help.com slash Stanhope. You're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I got to get to the thank yous because the first one, I don't know if Dave has perused this yet. That's something different. I get from, it looks like W. Ailes. from, it looks like W. Ailes.

Someone from Hull in England sent this package. Am I reading this? What am I doing with this? Well, open it up. Well, it's opened up, but. Well, you find the piece of paper. There you go. Oh, wait, what does that say?

Is that the. Am I reading this? The Department of Homeland Security? Oh, yeah. What does that say? Is that the... Am I reading this? The Department of Homeland Security? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the one. Notice, narcotics and or other contraband prohibited from entry into the United States have been seized and removed for appropriate action under 19 CFR 145.59. You will be receiving correspondence from our fines penalties and

forfeitures branch in the near future wow no i didn't know okay so so that and now you're holding the package that was in there that's about the size of a small wallet like a deck of cards yeah cigarettes that has been torn open there's nothing in it but on the outside of the cardboard, the guy's written. It says, from Will, and he drew. It's not a guitar. It's a guitar. Yeah. A guitar, and it says, made in Hull, UK. So whatever was in there.

I tweeted a picture of this and said something about, I have more questions than answers. There's so many questions to this. First of all, it doesn't look like anything. That's something, oh, it's homemade from Hull in a very small wrap of corrugated cardboard.

The guy's name and address are on the return. Why are you a, why would you, if you, if you found contraband, why would you continue to mail? Yeah. You wouldn't send it to the package.

Would you? I think it's just a, a very, I thought it was a, a, cause the thing from Homeland security looks like any fucking eighth grader could print that. It doesn't even look as good as the thing they throw in when TSA rifles your bag. You know, this one looks like they printed it themselves.

This looks like mimeograph. If you remember that word, you remember. It's like a weird shape. I don't know. It seems like our tax dollars could be put to better use. It looked like a scam at first, like someone's fucking with you and made that up, but then the tape on

it, this has been opened by border... I think it says paint. No, the green. Well, I think they sent it along its way so that you know that they know. It still doesn't make any sense. I mean, if this is such a big deal, then why didn't they just have an officer deliver it?

Yeah, because somebody... And then he could say, oh, I don't even know who this person is. I mean, we don't. People send shit here all the time. Makes zero sense. And it's obviously, whatever it was, there's a guitar drawn on it. And it does say it was narcotics or other contraband.

And I don't know what would be contraband. And on the tag on the, like when the customs declaration, it says soft toy. Yeah. I don't know if that was to throw them off. No idea. But if you sent me something from a hull, some guy at border protection, whatever it says. Homeland security.

Department of Homeland Security. Security. Department of Homeland Security. When I spent three months going to school in Austria, my girlfriend Stateside sent me a care package of tortillas, can of refried beans, and this like ugly candle. It was a monstrosity. I don't even know if there was a wick on it.

But what happened was inside the candle was a bunch of weed. I didn't even smoke pot. I don't know why she did that. But it was so funny. It's like, that's all it takes. Especially out of a candle. Do I just – Keep burning it. Do I huff this like on intervention when they're smoking fentanyl off of aluminum foil?

Do I just huff off the wick when it burns the weed? It seemed like a very easy thing to see through. This is not a Yankee Candle Company candle. This thing looks like someone rolled a bunch of wax until it caught on. That being said, and this stays in line with the thank yous chaley's out there by the gate and we have a stolen property evidently shopping cart if you remember the callback you found someone and this has been a while this has been sitting out there so long that this has been rained upon,

and we haven't had rain in months. Someone dropped off a bag of weed and okra. It's like it was the dogs off. Chaley was just cleaning up out here yesterday. He's like, you know what this is? He opens it up. So there's a bag of old expired okra discount okra a big bag of flour uh it's a handwritten note yeah and no it's open it up open it up

yeah there's some and there's a bag of weed pretty huge uh what do you, it's flour. Is that what they say at the dispensary? Huge bag of flour. Well, not intent to distribute size. No, I mean, it's not like someone gave you enough to roll a joint. Yeah, a joint. Mellows. It's considerable. Am I supposed to read this?

I'll try. uh am i supposed to read this uh i'll try a retired nursery man here but still grow to give those who can't afford or grow themselves hopefully someone cores there you get skim i've eaten okra nearly every meal enough exclamation point i also have other things to give away let's just say all right that's enough all right yeah it's a little hard to read whatever the reference was yeah we don't please don't send us contraband yeah that's weird they both showed up around the same time well they know that's this one showed up well I mean that's probably a week old whatever it is it's watermarked

but the weed was in a bag and that's already been we don't smoke weed well I know someone who's gonna get that bag yep I like the

but his note on the end is bigger okra good for soup and deep fried for smaller or whatever oh okay yeah so advice on how is a bigger okra good for soup and deep fried for smaller or whatever oh okay yeah so advice on how to handle the okra i don't know how to handle okra the only way i can handle it is bring it into here and saying do you want this or am i throwing it away uh let me hit the other thank yous uh here you go dave raider reads your books that you send me

because i don't read fiction i i burlingame i know he sent me another book or something i remember the name like i i is such a e comings kind of a thing yeah but e even makes more sense than i i there's not two names that are i isaac and what irving erwin oh yeah i don't you got something from acme tiki acme tiki sent me a fucking vintage delta airport maps i should have said that's for you okay oh hang on jd o'brien sent a book listen all these books that, except for that one. I don't know if they're self-published or not, but they all look better than my book. What's that one?

What's that one? Zigzag? Zigzag by J.D. O'Brien? It's a proof for review purposes only, not for sale. So it's like the ones that you had that are like an editor's copy. So is it fiction? Yes. The Psychopaths of Everyday Life, not for resale, by Anonymous.

That always fucking pushes a book. Oh, Anonymous? I don't know what that is. And then this one i mean maybe there's a seed of ed gain by scott anderson that's the only one that looks worse than my book my book feels like a pamphlet when you pick it up and it's good small print like why wouldn't you make a normal size fucking book like i really need to be more involved, but I'm obviously at a point where I just need to go to some kind of

facility. Oh, he's got stickers. You should get your, you should get your book republished. And as the size of the Rand McNally map we have in the car, that big booklet. Oh my God.

All right. This is whatever is the email address it's a yahoo address and it's his his uh whatever and 1957 so this guy's 10 years older than me so this is how my books will deteriorate in the future so what is that less resources fan fiction with ed gein or is it i don't know but look it's big print yeah big fucking print especially for my audience it's the best fucking book of the three i i think i might disagree it's like a passive every day i'm just looking through it looks no no my book talking about. Yeah, the one that looks the shittiest,

feels like a fucking Mormon pamphlet. Tiny-ass print. Maybe I should talk to J.D. O'Brien. Zigzag, that's a fucking smoking cover. Is it about? I don't know. The product? What's going on?

Tracy, come on. It's a couple of stoners taking a cross-country trip, I think. Oh, yeah? It looked interesting. I read the- Oh, that works. Zigzag works on two levels there. That's good.

Yeah. Postcard to all of us, Doug Bingo Chaley and everyone. That's the rest. At the compound, Tracy just Earth vs. Jazz, and she sent us stuff before. Assuming that's her, I don't know if it is. I Google searched Earth vs. Jazz, and nothing came up.

I mean, stuff came up, but nothing like that. It sounds like a band name. Either way, but the coolest thing was I did that crazy flight my last flight to hawaii i think we talked about we haven't we have how could we have well that i that i booked it we talked that you that you booked it so i had to figure out how to spend more money with less

time and it was a trip so it was a trip a long trip to Hawaii. Tucson to LAX, three hours in the Sky Club. I love that the text you sent me was a screenshot of you landed in Honolulu, but while you were taxiing to the gate, you got an email from Delta telling you

that you have 20 minutes before check-in starts for your return flight. And you still were at return flight. Yeah, but it's the same plane. Yeah, same plane. I still had a minute to grab a cocktail at the Honolulu Sky Club. And fucking, I loaded up my Delta bag with all these fucking gifts. I was gifting everyone vintage pins and fucking vintage pencil sharpeners. Did you have them in little gift bag, like swag bags or something?

I know that. All I brought on that, it was a 23-hour trip, basically, was that vintage Delta bag full of all the vintage Delta shit and a toothbrush. No alarms going through TSA? No. Like a terrorist? No, I do have a-

One-way flight with just a carry-on bag? I do have a vintage Delta box cutter from like the 60s. It says Delta Airlines. They're like, oh, who knew box cutters would be the last thing you could ever bring on a plane now? Or that Delta would give them away as swag. I know. But yeah, there's a lot of, so I got, like, they have things that, like, when you're, you know, medallion status, they give you your fucking gift bag every year. It has, like, free drink coupons.

Now it's all E free drink coupons. But they would have like, if someone stand out and employees stand out, tell us how they did. And then they get like fucking nothing for, if you think it probably looks good, but that person can't hurt Roxy. But I know they don't read them from talking to all the flight attendants.

They don't fucking. So I would always fill them out that, you know, so-and-so flight attendant helped me deliver a breech birth baby when my wife went into labor. Right there on the drink cart and whatever. It's something silly to amuse them. But they also have those for the customers.

So I would get a bunch of these over the years. Thanks for being fun and giving us free shit. But this lady, Kukiko? What's her name? Yep. Because I take... You have two cigarettes in your hand, Doug, right now. That's true. Oh, I didn't know that one was lit.

That's why I was... Yeah, no, that one's not lit. That's why I was giving him that one. Yukiko. She was my flight attendant on the way back from Honolulu, so I had to be a treat by then. Hello, Kitty Station. Snail mailed me.

Yeah. Fucking. Dear Mr. Stan, hope you had a nice flight back to LAX from Honolulu November 1st. Thank you very much for sharing your treasures with us, crew. I love Delta Pencil sharpener and vintage pen. Solid. Yep.

Can use both of those. Hope I see you very soon on another flight. Sincerely, Yukiko. That's like the Louisville Comedy Club. When we finished, they handed you a card saying thank you from all of the staff. And mentioning their favorite bits to show they're listening. We still have to fucking send them a card back. When we came up with this idea, there's a couple places.

I go, we should send them fucking cards on that last tour, and we're never going to do it. They were awesome. That was a good quote. Oh, yeah, please hold. Bisbee Laundry and Cafe. If you're new to town, you moved in, you don't want to just keep fucking bothering your neighbor to do laundry.

Bisbee Laundry. Because sometimes your neighbor's hungover and doesn't want to fucking see anyone walking through his yard with a fucking Ikea bag full of filthy fucking laundry. Yeah, sometimes I like to lock my door. Bisbee laundry and cafe. It routes well with Safeway.

Make a day of it. It's got a cafe. Yeah, you could check your tweets. Get a cup of salad. Tumble dry cycle goes. Yeah. I'm sure they have some finger foods. And it hits Safeway on the way back.

So you don't have to take a left. They take up some beer, but you're fine. You can do a post office, laundry, Safeway, double back, switch to the laundry, have a sandwich. You can do a post office, laundry, Safeway, double back, switch the laundry, have a sandwich. You can stop at Tin Town

on a Wednesday and get free lunch. Stand in line for the, yeah. Bisbee Laundry. I was going somewhere. You were just going through your thank yous. Did anything stand out on the trip? No, I hit my, uh, Oh yeah. Yeah.

I hit my 2 million miles and I said, uh, is the captain going to come out? Like in that movie, uh, uh, up in the air, up in the air. And, uh, he did. Yeah. Pre pre flight. That part. Yeah. He came out, uh, and I think it was that flight.

I shook my hand and said, thanks for. And I said something dumb because I was in the middle of a conversation with one of the flight attendants, and I said something dumb. And he's like, okay. I don't know if he's like, this guy's drunk, and he needs to go into a fucking 90-day program. And if I don't accept this gift. He had that kind of look.

And I'm like, I should have just like soak that in and let him talk. But I try to be funny. And he kind of shunned me. I shunned me, but yeah, he was just away. He put up, he did have to,

and then I realized he only came up because I asked, I told, I was talking to the flight attendant. So she probably went and said, Oh, he's this guy's hitting 2 million miles. So he wants you to come out. You did.

You did text me. And you said, I think that the pilot told you that between you had as many miles as the pilot and the co-pilot. Oh, yeah. That was. Yeah. That was the first flight. Yeah. I get it.

I get a bunch of accolades. I fucking love it. But now it's like, okay, it's going to be years before I hit 3 million miles. And am I going to be alive that long? You'll definitely be dead by then. I'm figuring. Yeah, the thrill's worn off. I mean, as far as.

You were just very thrilled. No, but I'm saying. 10 seconds already done. The actual flying part. I mean, you saw the wreck condition I was in after I did the Africa flight earlier this year. Just for no reason. And coach, no. Why? Why?

Why? This is dumb. That's on you. You flew coach. I mean, you would have had to 2 million miles earlier because you could have. I think I just wanted to go. You had to get the money thing. Oh, you definitely just wanted wanted to go you didn't want to be here yeah i was doing that yeah fucking coach rehash of the fucking 30 days of the hole and i shouldn't have even

ever tried to do that i should have just fucking quit smoking and shut up about it rather than try to do a podcast every day. People love that. It wasn't even a fucking gimmick. I wasn't staying in a trailer. I was just quitting smoking. Like, why am I torturing myself? Yeah, you were just quitting smoking. You don't need a gimmick.

I know, but the point is, we shouldn't have done every day without some kind of plan. That's all my fault. Yeah. I mean, you just went kind of with what we had done before and made a little spin on it by making a video and doing that. There really wasn't much thought behind it.

It wasn't like we had production meetings. I know, but that's – I mean, I had them with myself. The point is, if you know that, okay, the last thing I'm going to be able to do is write creatively or do anything creatively from Quit Smoking. That's when I should have been watching fucking Intervention. What is this? I missed something? I already read that one.

Try this one. Those are your notes. Oh, that's why fucking Zig Zag is good. It's actually not self-published. This came from the publisher. So Sean Murphy at, hey, pick up my book and re-release it. Fucking fat print. Goddamn.

All right. I think that's everything. Okra. Anyone want free okra? I think you can deep fry it. Are you guys on Mastodon yet? What's that? I saw your tweet about that. For a minute that Mastodon was

trending because it's going to overtake twitter the fucking people crashed their well many servers one day when everyone was fleeing from twitter for a minute oh they they everyone there was an exodus of twitter and they had to find something real quick so they went to mastodon yeah which is confusing to anybody who's just a regular twitter user very well it looks like the same kind of setup as as so i but to find people i don't know like i got one i finally managed to follow you today yeah but when you started twitter i mean you didn't there was a bit of a a learning curve on that right yeah and as they change i'm not learning new things i'm done with but you can't

find him by searching doug stanhope yeah you can find him by searching stanhope and then it'll take you to his specific thing oh that's odd it's all different the point is at some point when my space was dying i started a linkedin account not knowing and i never went back there but i'm sure it exists i did one of those and then the other thing was so and so wants you to join them on linkedin and you're like what are people getting emails from me because I signed up? You inviting people? Yeah. That went on for years. Enough, Stan Hope.

I'm not going to fucking join LinkedIn. Yeah, no, I remember a tweet early in Twitter from Sarah Silverman. Hey, listen, I'm never going to join your fucking LinkedIn. Stop sending me these emails. And that's what made me think, fuck, is my account just pounding out? Yes, automatically. They're just popping them out there. LinkedIn. these emails and that's what made me think fuck is my account just pounding out LinkedIn people

who have jobs hey there's day off Dave I forgot I am on LinkedIn new name for oh yeah you are yeah but a new name for the next week yeah week off Dave off all the next week yeah yeah week off dave off all of next week yeah

what kind of me too i'm getting prepared for uh new year's eve and uh i'm very excited because i have both sets I have this set from last year and the last set I did on the road to listen to back to back to see how much has changed in a year. What do I got to get rid of? What has become fucking great that was just a throwaway line? Have you listened to them? No, I'm going to have to do it sooner than later. Have you tried? You're able to play it in one of your players?

I'll make sure I can. I just want to make sure. Because I figured you'd just go drive fucking two hours out and two hours back. He definitely wants to do that. Yeah. Well, I want to listen to it close to when I'm going to be rewriting and reconnoitering the set for new year's eve so and if i if i already listened to it it's like when you start a book like zigzag for example or uh no encore for the donkey for example and you read available on amazon read a chapter and

then you put it down and you don't get back to reading for a month. And you're like, I don't, I don't remember what I read. I don't want to start over and have to read fucking two chapters to remember. So I'll just, then it goes to the thrift store.

Eventually he just ditch it completely, but I wouldn't want to listen to the, I know I listened to both acts and that's a, the Wilmington is the one I want to listen to the dead crow. When I was a sophomore, I read three fourths of the mayor of Casterbridge. That sounds fascinating. And I never picked it up again.

And I often think about that. Like, I would never go back and read the three fourths again, but to finish it would be, I mean, i could count all the books i've read it feels fucking great on my hands there is a great feeling about finishing yeah and i often think if i could find that book would i try to leaf through to find out you know let's just get you cliff's notes how about that yeah let's do that but then the day after your show is Sunday the 1st.

What's happening then? Look at Tracy with the little softball. Let's prop him up, promote his event. Yeah, we're doing football fan day at the Sportsbook at the Plaza. New Year's Eve is Saturday night. We do the show and then I'll see all of you motherfuckers on the floor at the sports book the next day. And we're going to watch football all day with the fans.

And we did that in 2017. And we're going to do it again because it was a blast. It happens to fall on Sunday and no one's driving home on fucking New Year's Day. It's a sad, sad, pathetic day. And I just can't wait to see one of you over eager Saturday night people when you're doing that awful shuffle to the fucking hotel buffet, whatever fucking restaurant. And you don't want to talk to anyone, but you have to get some food in you.

A pizza place. Yo, whatever, wherever you're going. McDonald's. Because when we're on the road and we happen to be staying in the same hotel as fans, oh, you're overeager to fucking talk to me at the breakfast buffet, even though you saw me at the show

and know that I'm hungover. And then you see me at a Hampton Inn at 8.30, the fucking flimsy plate of watery eggs. Yeah. And you're like, hey, you know that thing you said, like, oh, no, not now. I'm in my pajamas. I'm Doug Stanhope when I'm in a suit.

I'm Doug Stanhope when I'm in a suit. So I'm going to do that to all you fucks at the Plaza Hotel on New Year's Day morning. I'm going to be the most chipper motherfucker. I'm going to come up to you. How'd you enjoy the show? What was your favorite bit? Come on. Just walking in with a nosebleed.ed oh you're just going to bed now can i ride the elevator up with you and pick your brain about some of my material

can i buy you a shot oh i puked the other night you don't do that yeah no it had to be edible related because i wasn't nauseous i was just really fucking high and i i went to poop and i sat down i thought i get a poop and then all of a sudden i'm like there you go oh that must be the picture i got oh yeah that was a picture of you sitting on the toilet with, well, a bucket in your arms. That's the picture everybody got? Yeah. Everybody.

Bingo, get me a bucket. She grabs her camera. And then the bucket. Well, trash can. I saw the picture because she showed it to me. She had texted it to Junior Stopka, and he said, where did you find the remains of Gilbert Gottfried? And looking at the picture, it was a quite accurate representation

of what Gilbert Gottfried would look like vomiting on a toilet. Well, waist pale. All right. You want to go out with big energy? What do you got planned? What's going on? You got a couple of weeks? You doing anything for Thanksgiving?

Tracy and I have been gone, so we don't know. I know. We haven't caught up on your Death Valley party but I'm sure you all talked about that on the issues with Andy please listen to that

every time it comes out I don't know comes out on Fridays oh yeah worst day of the week good bury him Jesus I don't know.

I'm just, I, I, I've fucking Hennigan came back with me. He surprised me. I'm going to meet up with you on the last leg, coming back from Honolulu of your crazy flight. And then we'll talk business.

I just got off the fucking road and I piled a crazy flight on top of it to hit my diamond in my fucking 2 million miles. I'm not going to have a lot of business ideas for a while. I have seven weeks off. And it was only about an hour and a half. Cause you went LAX to Tucson. He didn't know Honolulu.

Yeah. But he took on me here and then he was here for five days. I don't. So we did talk about some stuff business wise, but like I had a bunch of notes of stuff I was going to compile. So that's when I started with the intervention. I'm going to take a week off mentally. I'm going to be on vacation in my head for a week.

I'm not going to worry about, but I had to wait until he left. And then I had to wait until I had a Tuesday thing. I was supposed to do a thing. It fell through, but I already had to be awake and prepped for it. And then Wednesday was Bingo's birthday. All right, Thursday, I can start my vacation. Thursday to Thursday, and then I'll be out for a Monday, Thursday night football.

Next week is Titans Packers. It's a big game for Bill's Packers. Something I go. Okay, that's a perfect week, but I have not been vacationing. I mean, you took a celebratory 25 milligrams of weed last night. Fucking blast. Yeah. I mean, that's a good kickoff. Calibratory 25 milligrams of weed last night. What a fucking blast. Yeah.

I mean, that's a good kickoff. It's so great to just be ridiculous teenage high. That's your first night of vacation. Bingo was there, but she was passed out while I was finally getting away from the fireplace that I've been staring at to go write down my brilliant ideas and then tweet more. I looked at some of my tweets. It was kind of the, I know I tweeted some shit, something about meat.

Yeah. That was early on. Yeah. The Brown meat. Yeah. It just didn't want to look. I don't know. I had,

I, I know last night when I was fired up about podcasting today, I had a bunch of shit about everyone on Twitter is so ruined by people just doing the obvious feeding trolls, like people who should know better. It's all fucking pointless. And then I fucking watch it more. And then I tweet more. So it's working. But whatever I was I tweet more. So it's working.

But whatever I was going to bitch about, it's gone. I don't have that fire. But I'm not going to tweet about Twitter. I don't give a shit about any of that. And if I do have an opinion, you're not going to hear it on Twitter. One thing I learned. Yeah, save it. if it's that good, work it out on the podcast.

And then see if you want to say it on stage. Don't tweet it. Who cares? All right, I'm fucking, I'm losing all sorts of steam here. So you want to end on this positive note? Yeah, oh, I thought you had one. No. I thought you were about to chime in for the first time on this positive note. Yeah, I thought you had one.

I thought you were about to chime in for the first time in this podcast. No, I got nothing. I think I carried this one well. You did a great job. I did fucking great. It is your podcast, so it's kind of what we expect. We're talking all sorts of different kind of change ups and new things for

the new year. Uh, pitching ideas, the video version. Yes. Is it video? Yeah. Yeah.

All right. No, it might be saying VHS, not having any idea how much I'm dating myself. Is that the level of technology right now? Are those cameras or eight track version of the podcast? Yeah, we have some ideas to make this more fun. And someone tweeted today, what's his name?

Guy Gallagher died today. Yeah. Which one? The real one. That's how I found out. Diane Gallagher, who's a comedian in Houston, she has the fuck, Rock the Cash Bar is the name of her podcast, which I've done.

And she goes, oh, she was responding to someone, oh, kudos to every person who said which one when they heard Gallagher died. I go, Gallagher died and I had to search it but someone then tweeted back oh I guess I have to go back and listen to this Opie and Anthony where Patrice and Gallagher are on Opie and Anthony together yeah and it was a lot of fun but I was I kept it's an hour 42 minutes. I don't want to invest that kind of time. And a drive to Tucson. Yeah, if I was driving to Tucson, I would definitely invest.

I was clicking on a fucking link on my laptop on the couch while I'm watching fucking whatever. No, no, I'm done with that. It's really. It was, no, I can't go back. Of course you are. Listen, I fucking, I have 24 hours clean and sober from intervention. It was such a serious head fuck. But anyway, I forget my point.

Gallagher. Yeah, I know, but I forget my point about it. I started listening to it, thinking, because I know that he famously walked off an interview, and it started sounding contentious. I'm like, there can't be an hour and 42 minutes before he walks off. And then when I read his Wikipedia page, it was Marc Maron's podcast that he walked off of. Whoa, I didn't know that like he gallagher had taken a very right wing

bent and anti uh gay or who knows if it was really this is well before fucking me two days but it made some news where he was talking about immigrants and fucking oh wow there was a time i can't remember maybe i'm mixing the two might have been when you were doing one of the book um readings in la yeah that we ended up going to the improv i think on sunset and gallagher was finishing up a set before someone else we went to go see there but wasn't didn't didn't he come back and say hello to you or something bingo just asked if didn't we meet him somewhere yeah i know i have an early story about gallagher showing up at a show at the chicago zany we were off tom rhodes was there

and we were there to see uh oh it's the guy who sings that song with uh with the young with yeah with ken ken young was there and and uh is it michael mccray michael yeah what's his name the one that does the henry phillips impression perfectly yeah so uh that's why we went there the song yeah no that's a god damn am i doing the wrong song yeah mike McRae is the impressionist. That's the impressionist. You're right. Yeah, it's Mike McConnell. Mike McConnell. I think that's... He does the song with... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what's it gonna be?

I ain't got all night. That's the only time I've been to the improv, and Gallagher was doing like two shows that night, and then there was a third show. Yeah, that's a... I have a huge problem I've noticed since I've watched a lot of Intervention. Anytime I going to yeah that's a i have a i have a huge problem i've noticed since i've watched a lot of intervention anytime i go to where there's a lot of comedians i get that

fucking ridiculous because i get so fucking social anxiety that i over drink and then you know at skank fest that was probably fine no way well I'm saying everyone's fucked up at Skank Fest, but when you're trying to talk to Chris Rock in the fucking VIP bar at the comedy store and you don't really know him and you don't know what to say, it's kind of like the pilot coming out to say, hey, congratulations

on two million miles. And you go, ah, can I sit on your lap when we fly? Pressure talking? Pressure talking? Pressure talking. Yeah. Trying to be funny is never good. And with that, I'll let Bingo take us away. Okay, bye-bye now. Thank you. សូវាប់ពីបានប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្� Thank you.