The Doug Stanhope Podcast - EPISODE #28: Day Drunk in Bisbee

Episode Date: May 9, 2014

Doug's early morning, day drinking podcast to discuss the new neighbor, Last Gasp tour openers, Mr. Bank of America and the upcoming podcast and touring schedule.Links:  Doug's City Council video : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xq4hwl8CiqYJohn Michael Bond : https://www.facebook.com/pages/John-Michael-Bond-Comedy/256088494415373Arnold's Tiki Bar : http://www.arnoldswaikiki.com/Recorded May 07, 2014 in Doug Stanhope's backyard in Bisbee with Doug Stanhope, Bingo and Greg Chaille. Produced and Edited by Greg Chaille @gregchaille. Intro music "Don't Cut Yr Hair" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Check Doug's June tour dates at dougstanhope.com. Take amoment to register for 2014 Stanhope Tour news in your area, including the USA, UK, Europe, Australia and more. Register now so you don't miss out.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink After the liquor stores have closed I heard you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La la la I liked about you in the end. La, la, la. Good morning, Day Drunk Podcast. Are we going? We're rolling. Is it live? I'm going to be chomping these seeds from this smoothie. That's all right, chomp away

We have the beautiful gusting morning winds 8.30am Is it 8.30? No, it's 8.40 actually 8.40 in the morning, drive time radio Morning day drunk radio It's drive time, hey how are you out there? We are on a bender

Of sorts Went to the dentist. Had to wait for bingo to get done with the dentist in Old Bisbee, Arizona. If you're a Doug Stanhope fan, you live here. If you're a real fan, you live across the street from me. In the apartment, not apartment, rental house that we were praying, we live on a street where when you see a for rent sign, you go into immediate panic of, oh, fuck, I hope tweakers don't move in there.

We've had a couple of incidents. God bless the Bisbee Police Department. Not a fan of cops. Fan of Bisbee cops. Yes, I am. Good people. So, yeah, the few problems we've had have been eradicated. And then, yeah, a cute young musician girl moved in across the street.

We're like, oh, thank God, no tweakers. Turns out, oh, she's a fan. Moved here, evidently, from what I can remember from last night. Moved here because of me. She'll probably hear this podcast. I've been pro let's go bang on her door and wake her up and get the full story. Bingo says not so much. Probably not a good idea.

But, yeah, her name's Debbie. She's a fine young lady. And from what I remember, we hadn't met her. Was last night the first meeting? No, she was wearing my outfit. Hey, you got to get a microphone. Wait, what happened? Get a microphone if you're going to talk.

No, I've waved at her, but last night, this is a new thing. We call drug and alcohol counseling. It's a city council meets on the first Tuesday of every month here in Bisbee. And it's two blocks away. So you might have seen where some of my meltdowns. I think it's online. I don't want to see YouTube. Yeah.

Where I went down and tried to speak about the gay marriage civil union referendum. That's about a year ago. So it's been out there for a while. Yeah. Well, our good friend, I don't even want to out him, but our good friend, him and his lady just broke up because his lady was seeing another lady. It's the Doug Stanoff Wednesday Morning Day Drunk Podcast. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Doug Stanhope Wednesday Morning Day Drunk Podcast. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr. It's another podcast. So, yeah, we lobbied hard for the gay marriage civil union referendum, and then he got dumped for his lady left him for a lesbian so we decided to go to city council and speak against it our civil unions civil union has ruined his marriage and we thought that was funny but we thought it was funny to the point we actually did it. We went down and I gave some kind of speech about noise ordinances and the noise complaints for an upcoming party that we're going to have on the 25th. So I spoke about that and then brought him up. You read a letter, I believe.

Oh, yeah. Hopefully it's out. That probably will not make it onto YouTube because I didn't fail miserably. You got laughed? Well, I said what I was trying to say, which was probably not that funny. But here's – the point is we've coined it drug and alcohol counseling where the first Tuesday of the month we are going to get shit-faced and treat city council like an open bike get shit-faced and then go down and do whatever for a speech well i saw the first part of it you guys were shit-faced and telling me that you were going to head down there and tracy and i had another engagement and i remember driving away going there's no way they're going to get to the

council meeting when you said you want to go to city council, I thought, is that a new bar or maybe a little like next to Roku or something? But it was for real city council. And you're like, you've got like a dirty T-shirt and those Bermuda shorts. And I'm like, there's no way. I put on a jacket. Well, I'm sure you did. Yes, I did.

It did not look like you were leaving the compound. We're walking down there and our friend from the chamber of commerce said, you're not going to make it because you have to sign up ahead of time. I go, I've been there before. They'll let me talk. And as soon as I walked in, I got the nod from the mayor and I nodded back. Yes, I would like to talk. And then you saw Gene Connors shake his head like, oh shit. So yeah, we gave some call to the public, as it's called. What's that?

The call to the public is where any fucking drunken asshole. They put a microphone and then you would step up? Yeah, they have the microphone set up at the podium for any drunken asshole. Oh, have you seen the James Inman that we referenced last week. Yeah. I hope you saw the James Inman. Just if you haven't Google search James Inman city council, it's fucking hilarious.

I'll if I can ever be anywhere close to that good at city council, I will have won. But yeah, it was like I had a two o'clock dentist appointment and then bingo had a three o'clock so i had nothing to do but sit around with her friend and get day drunk waiting for up at the copper queen hotel in bisbee arizona sponsor and it's cafe roca. You said Roku. Oh. If you want to drop some names, get them right. Roku is the device to stream media on TVs. I was looking at them yesterday.

We were drinking at one of those places, either a bar or a place you stream. Stream media. So that started it, and that's when we found out, hey, let's call Justin. He got dumped. He should be day drinking, and that gives us a reason to be doing this. Hey, our buddy, he got dumped. He needs to go get day drunk. We've already started without him.

And that turned into today. Yes. And there's a lot of missing pieces, including our neighbor who we finally met on our way to city council. I'm like, here, come with us and hold this tumbler. Because you don't go to city council without a tumbler of alcohol. Oh, you had a sneaky. Yeah, so I had her hold my sneaky because we were just going to speak and leave. And we met her.

And then she came over here and said, oh, I was at your Long Beach show in January. I moved here because of you. And now I happen to be your neighbor. So we don't know how this is going to work out. She seemed very sweet. But maybe she's neighbor. So we don't know how this is going to work out. She seemed very sweet. But maybe she's a psycho. I don't know. But, yeah, this is the first time I've had a neighbor that's a fan in a weird town.

Well, it's the first time you've had a fan who became a neighbor. You've got neighbors, all your neighbors like you. Yeah, but they didn't move here because of me. That's what I mean. That's, yeah. She was a fan first. You moved here and no one knew who the fuck you were. Like if you hear, oh, hey, someone's my neighbor in L.A.,

you assume there's gigantic gates. Hey, I live next to fucking, you know, whoever. I was going to say Whitney Houston and she's dead. Yeah. I don't have good references right now. Justin Bieber. Oh, he had to move, though. Yeah, it's not like my neighbor where I can look in her window,

Debbie, if you're up, come over, we're podcasting. She can hear that. Yes. And that might have woken her up, literally. Well, this morning when you came down to wake me up, about 20 minutes ago, I guess earlier two people from the party last night that you had here actually went through the place we're staying at to get to their car. We told them to. Okay.

Because there is a path that goes around the house. Yeah, yeah. I said actually walk right straight through and have loud, small talk and then just shut the door. Because Jay Lee will go, what the fuck is going on? That'll happen. Yes.

Yeah, it was a good one last night. It was a good one. It's good to be home and able to day drink. I have to do another podcast this afternoon via Skype, which I hate, with my own close personal friend, number 50 from the Green Bay Packers,

AJ Hawk. Find that podcast. That's already gone out by the time this is out. Unless she comes over, that might be cobbled on with this one. All my friends here in Bisbee, it's an artsy town, so football,

there's no such thing as a sports bar, so we created a sports bar, and for some reason, everyone's a fucking Packers fan. Not against it, except if it's fucking 53 to nothing in the second quarter, they have to watch the entire game.

That's why I put in two extra TVs with extra cable boxes so we can watch other shit and Red Zone so you don't have to suffer through a Packers blowout because the diehards have to fucking see. I thought it was neighbor Dave. Who's the big tall guy? One block Ben? Yes. I think that's the guy that I remember.

It was a blowout. He was still on the edge of his seat. Andrew. Everyone. Everyone's a fucking Packers guy. There's Packers shit everywhere. They had a banner up the year they won the Super Bowl a few years ago, three years ago. They had a banner up on the funhouse.

So A.J. Hawk came to a show when I was playing in Appleton. Skyline Comedy Club, one of the best comedy clubs in the country. Go there, ask for Cliffy,

see if he's in a good mood. So, A.J. Hawk showed up and I'm like, oh, fuck. This is so great just to rub it into my friend's faces that I actually met a packer,

a good packer. And uh so every time we see him on the tv and he makes it i go oh was that my close personal friend aj hawk and uh now i'm doing his podcast and i think i drunk dialed every packer fan i know last night i still haven't looked at my phone because i made a lot of fucking drunk tiles last night. Wait a minute. It's great to be almost 50 years old and still make drunk tiles. You have to look at your hand to see what you did. Look at my hand. Fucking Rogan,

Posehn, AJ Hawk, Bill Burr. I'm name dropping on my own notes, but they're all podcasts I have to do. Your left hand is name dropping. Posehn's playing in Tucson. Hey, if this gets out by Thursday, May, whatever, go to see Brian Posey. All right.

It won't be out by then. It might be. Tonight. I'll just tweet it. How about that? Tonight's Thursday. No, tonight's Wednesday. Is it Wednesday?

Yeah, it's Wednesday. Okay. It's Tuesday at City Council. Oh, that's right. Mm-hmm. We just wrapped up the first leg of the last Gasp tour. And if we were... I just woke up Chaley.

Oh, that fucking sea. Hear the breeze blowing in the background? Or I should say gusting winds. I hope that's ambient. I hope that sounds ambient. You'll hear it. I should say we're in Waikiki because we're going to Honolulu for no reason other than to get frequent flyer miles and a tan.

I want to be tan when I do Howard Stern because you want to look good on radio. Don't they film anymore? They probably do. Pictures for HowardStern.com or something? I don't know Oh, pictures for Howardstern.com or something? I don't know. We have a lot of podcasts.

We're going to LA. We're doing Bill Burr's podcast with a big announcement. And Brett Easton Ellis has a podcast and wants me on it,

which is all very strange. But you're available? I'm available. You're doing a regular? Burt the it, which is all very strange. But you're available? I'm available. You're doing Rogan's? Birth to Crusher, Cricer. Yeah. Yes, very excited about that.

That'll be a drunk podcast. We scheduled it so I could be drunk and he could be drunk and we don't have to do shit afterwards. Doing Rogan's podcast with Tom Rhodes, which is, again, all three of us have podcasts. Why don't you just make it my podcast with Tom Rhodes, which is, again, all three of us have podcasts. Why don't you just make it my podcast with you two, and you say it's your podcast.

Everyone plug in their recorder. Put it all out as one fucking thing. You're doing like a junket, like they do for a movie release or something. Fucking Marilyn Manson. If he stands me up, he's fucking shit in my eyes. I'll trash him. I Marilyn Manson. If he stands me up, he's fucking shit in my eyes. Yeah? Yes.

I'll trash him. I'll out him. As what? What's the word? Androgynous. Yes, I'm going to out you as androgynous. He already did that. That was the Animal album. What was it?

The album where he was uh he had breastises and uh a barbie cunt oh yeah that was the joke you fucking idiot oh that's he already is androgynous good christ oh i cut that out hey this podcast is being brought to you by vodka smoothies i've got cucumber asparagus fuck. I forgot to put asparagus in this. And frozen berries. And no apple. I was out of apple. Carrot juice.

Did you use apple vodka? Oh, I did in the first one. But you weren't awake for the first one. That's when I walked out naked thinking I was alone. And there was a fucking bingo chamber of commerce friend going, hee, hee, hee, hee. This is the old David Tell joke. That's something you don't want to hear.

I can't. I won't do it justice. So I'll just save it. That's cute. The first time a girl sees your penis, she goes, I can't remember how the joke goes. Sorry, David Tell. All right. I can't remember how the joke goes.

Sorry, Dave Attell. All right. So, yeah, we did more shit towns on this tour than the shit town tour that we called the shit town tour. Yeah. I was fucking punch drunk. 33 shows in 38 days. 31 cities. Yeah, that's a lot.

Yeah. I remember at some point midway through the tour opening up the hatch in between the front seats and pulling out my winter hat that we started with. You remember this? And we're in Florida sweating our balls off. Remember this? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Remember when it was cold? That's when we put all our jackets and stowed them in the back.

It's a fucking six-week tour that we changed seasons. You can't do that. It was long enough, yeah. People were actually coming up to the merch booth saying, hey, it's going to be sad when you're gone. Giving me basically a fucking eulogy. Oh, because of the last gasp well just no just saying shit like man it's gonna be sad when you're gone in the town at the merch booth people from the audience like like i just this i have cancer tour or something no but you go oh is it that obvious

that i'm gonna die all the fucking hernias? We'll get to that. Oh, yeah. That doesn't help. I haven't been officially diagnosed. I get diagnosed by a doctor as I lay across a merch booth. I was laying across my own t-shirts. Hennigan called it the Civil War field examination.

Yeah. Some guy that said he was going to. Dr. Jeremy. Okay. Yeah. Some guy that said he was going to... Dr. Jeremy. Okay, yeah. Well, he was going to medical school in Puerto Rico. Oh. That's what he said. It was a guy in the audience who said he was a doctor, and then the guy he was with, maybe his dad. I made some joke like, oh, what are you going to some medical school in Guatemala? And his dad goes, Puerto Rico.

He dimed him out. That was 2720 Cherokee in St. Louis. Wow. That was the game. You have such a memory, sir. Yeah, so after the show, he was going to come back and say hello. And I'm like, well, diagnose me. Hey, let's do this publicly.

So I laid across the merch booth. Shaley, move the t-shirt. And he goes, yeah, that's definitely a ventral hernia. And I go, well, while I'm here with everyone staring and taking pictures, check my liver, too. He goes, the hernia, a surgeon would say sew it up. It won't bother you. And he goes, liver seems fine. Then what did he say?

What? And he goes, liver seems fine. Then what did he say? What? He said something that we've been wanting to talk about because of the other Dr. Joe in Nashville. He said, hey, by the way, the way you're quitting smoking, that's the way to quit it. When you want a cigarette, smoke a cigarette. Yeah. I've been doing great quitting smoking by smoking cigarettes.

Yeah, I've been doing great quitting smoking by smoking cigarettes. I am down like 80% depending on the day. Not the last 24 hours. Right, yeah. There's been a few times. The last gig, Lubbock, Texas. You could smoke in the bar. Fuck yeah, I'm smoking.

I'm buying a pack. But otherwise, and thank you to every comic. That's how I quit smoking is before a show where I'm buying a pack. But otherwise, and thank you to every comic, that's how I quit smoking, is before a show where I really need a cigarette, and after a show when I really need a cigarette, I just bum them. So I'd smoke six or seven cigarettes. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? Bingo.

Bingo, I'd make, if there wasn't someone readily available smoking in front of me, I'd send Bingo out to the line and say, hey, can I have a couple of cigarettes for Stan Hope? We gotta give credit where credit's due. She's diligent in that pursuit.

I don't do that often enough. Not only thank you to everyone who had cigarettes bummed from them, but there were great comics on this tour. I didn't bring an opener because Junior Stopko should be fucking head Yeah. I didn't bring an opener. Uh, cause junior stop.

Cause she'd be fucking headlining and I don't have another guy that will, I know we'll live under the slum like conditions. We make a open sleep in a twin bed with Shaley. Yeah. Uh, yeah, I, I, yeah,

I don't want to have to Deal with someone for fucking six weeks I think it worked out great It worked out So we had local openers And we had fucking great openers Gainesville I remember laughing my balls off Even Little Rock Arkansas

Oh yeah Juanitas And those guys came down from Fayetteville There was Seth There was a lot of towns And I'm sorry If I was a fucking decent comic on any level I would be fucking tweeting your names the next day

But on a tour like that You have no idea I mean The fact that people are coming up to the merch booth Saying hey you're gonna die Not only Not as a warning But as like a salutation, like, I hope I see you again, but I probably won't. I'm glad I'm getting to say goodbye.

Yeah. So I don't wake up and go, hey, I should fucking tweet and promote those nice people that I vaguely remember from the fucking chaos of last night. So, yeah. Thank you. Comics that were funny and there's a lot of comics that sucked and you know what fuck you audience members if you can't take seven minutes of suck that's how we start i sucked way worse than most of those guys when i started that's how you start comedy so fuck you people from the audience who ruined comedy talk chaley while i light the cigarette i'm trying to think of uh i think the first three shows we

had there was uh one gent who uh came out and did three opening slots and i can't remember his name right now i'll put it i'll put a link to it because he's got some stuff online but he was really funny he's the guy with the beard he's the one who told you how to do the push-ups. The guy with the beard is every fucking guy anymore. Every fucking guy has a beard. No, but he told you how to do push-ups in the doorway. Remember? Oh, man.

This entire tour. I should have brought my notebook. I told you. Well, pause it and then go get your notebook. Just hit pause so we can do this without editing. Here's a commercial from me, which we'll put in later. This podcast is brought to you by the Shady Dell. TheShadyDell.com.

Vintage trailer park. I want to buy into it. If you stay at the Shady Dell Vintage Trailer Park where you rent vintage Airstreams down to the T, they even have a fucking drive-in movie theater they built in that place. It's the fucking greatest place in the world. I live like three quarters of a mile from the place and I make up reasons I have to stay there. If I'm in town, I will come drink with you. No matter how bad I feel. If you're at the Shady Dell and Justin calls me and says, Hey, you got some fans here.

As long as you don't move in across the street or anything. The Shady Dell Vintage Trailer Park. TheShadyDell.com We're back. Good morning. Debbie! We got the bullhorn. We could call Debbie on the bullhorn.

Where's the bullhorn? Right behind you. Right there. Yeah, I'm going to try the bullhorn. Debbie, I'm assuming she's going to try the ball Debbie I'm assuming she's going to listen to this Is it fucking batteries are dead? Hang on

Hold on Take that thing off Dead? That's not working Take that thing off. Dad? That's not working. You have to talk into that piece, don't you? Oh, do you? Yeah, I think that's the... Why is he doing it?

Daddy? Where's the volume? Stop this. This is the worst bullhorn ever Get new batteries New batteries for the bullhorn Hey if you're out there Remind me on Twitter

To get new batteries D-cells for the bullhorn Hey everyone write it on your hand You crazy fucking lady. Any other comic have fucking stories like this? Does any other comic live in a fucking

mud hole out of the way fucking border town place where you're fucking podcasting day drunk and a fan moved in across the street. Does anyone else do this? Or do you all work on screenplays all day?

Trying to get famous. Unbelievable. But really, with my demographic, the fact that it's a chick. Yeah. That moved in across the street. I've noticed that, though. Scarier. But, yeah, comforting.

There are, I mean, the crowds that are turning out to the shows are definitely different than they were back in 2007. What's 2007? When it was $10 ticket prices. Yeah. Well, that's what I want to do is I don't want to play bigger venues. Theaters suck. But wait a minute.

You did the Georgia Theater in Athens. I don't like them. I'd rather play a fucking 200-seater partially standing where I can see everyone in the room and I fucking own the room and it feels like a conversation rather than a play. And if I just have to raise my ticket prices to play 300 seaters rather than play a fucking 1200. So the economics of it would be to have a little

bit higher ticket price but it's more of an intimate setting. I don't, yeah, I'd rather not make the money. And theaters aren't good money. Because then you're getting into fucking union jack offs and all that. They start charging us to sell soft goods. They get a piece of the action.

They gotta dip their beak on a fucking CD that you made in 2004. How much of the stolen Bible do you get? You fucking cunts. I'd rather play. I'm a fucking saloon comic. That's what rather play. I'm a saloon comic.

That's what I am. I am a fucking bar comic. I love that. Saloon comic. That's what I do. That's what my entire act is built for. I am a one-trick pony. I know how to do what I do.

And if I go out of my comfort zone, I stink. It's fucking horrible. So why fuck with that? Why try to do something different when you're good at what you do? Okay, I can only come like this. Well, then do that. Don't go, hey, lady, learn to come the way I'm trying to do it. No.

You fuck me like this or we don't fuck. So do what you're good at and stick with it. Yeah. It's too late. I'm in the fucking golden years. When someone says you're a comic legend, like when they used to say that, you go, I don't live up to that. That was drastic. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Just with all the wind, that if you're starting to pull the mic away, then... I've been pulling the mic away because I've been trying to, about to light

a cigarette. It's not lit. It's lit. Non-smoker telling me what's lit and what's not lit. know what's lit after you smoke that one half that's burnt you're gonna turn it over and like the other half what was i saying no i put it into the wind like this okay it's a fucking i've been smoking since i was 13 years old i know how to fucking get a cigarette properly lit i smoke what was i saying that i was not on the mic hard

enough for and we're just talking about uh you, you said you're in your golden years. Oh, yeah. Comic legend. This guy coming to the stage is a comic legend. Well, I can take that in like the classic car sense of the word. I've been around that long. I'm a legend in i still persist i still do this where everyone else has moved on they have children that are of an age that i would try to fuck them if i still fucked

your kids are old enough that i would try to bone them after a show if that's what I still did. That used to be the only reason to do comedy was to fuck chicks out after the show. That was making it. Writing jokes and learning guitar. Oh, you get Letterman? I fucked that girl. Yeah. We're on an even keel. One of you has a better story.

Exactly. Your story is a fucking whittled down version of what you do every night. You can't fuck that girl every night. Certainly not a second time. That was a rough comeuppance is not the right word. But the first time I fucked a girl after a show and then tried to go back in Walla Walla, Washington, and her name was Victoria Smith. Ungoogleable. Smith. Oh, God.

The anonymity of the word Smith. And I was so smitten that I found a way to route myself back through Walla Walla and she wanted nothing to do with me. And I never thought, oh, I thought it was only the dude that fucks a girl and never wants to see her again. I didn't know chicks get drunk and made bad mistakes. And then you show up going, hi, remember me? Can I stay at your house?

How long after you started doing comedy did that happen? The first time you got banged from being on stage. Well, that was Victoria Smith in Walla Walla, Washington. The Red Apple. I remember the name of the place I played. It was like 1993 or something. I still have her picture. She was right there with fucking Whiskey Girl and that fucking photo album.

Victoria Smith. God love her. How long after you started comedy did that happen? Like three years. One of my first Tribble runs. Not the first, but in those early years of David Tribble gigs

where you're playing the Red Apple was not, but mostly Red Lion hotel lounges. Was it the Lion Inn? The Red Lion Inn, yeah. Is it the Red Lion? Yeah, the Red Lion hotel lounges. Was it the Lion Inn? The Red Lion Inn, yeah. Is it the Red Lion? Yeah, the Red Lion.

It's a chain of hotels in the Northwest. Red Apple was the name and still the name of a grocery store in Washington. Oh, speaking of the Northwest, odd segue, but it made me think of this. I just got fucked over by Bank of America so hard. You fucking cunts. I wanted to bail out on you just to do the right thing by Anonymous

when fucking Bank of America fucked over the entire country and drove us into a goddamn depression or whatever. I wanted to pull my money out. Too big to fail, that whole... Yes. And I was going to... But you don't have a lot of choices in Bisbee. And that's right down the road.

And I know all the ladies there and they're very nice. There's a branch. Yes. There's nothing, there's no other branch. There used to be a Wells Fargo, but that turned into something else. No, that's the place where you get loans only. There's not a branch. There's no banks in this fucking town. There's one next to Safeway.

I don't know what it is. It's called like National Bank. Drift to Safeway. I don't know what it is. It's called National Bank. Drift and Loan. I don't know. Either way, I did not pull my fucking money out of Bank of America, which I wanted to do just to be a fucking dick. Well, Bank of America decided,

yeah, too big to fail. We're too small to fuck with. So they decided, we're pulling out and we're just gonna make you washington federal period and i don't know this i'm on the road for six weeks i come back oh my bank doesn't exist they yeah they put it they transferred all my shit to washington federal period uh we'll get to that and then I go like I'll write checks on the road to pay for whatever

and then I don't have my checkbook I just skanked a couple of checks out of my book and brought them in case I need them and then I don't remember what I wrote it for so I go online to bankofamerica.fuckyou you fucking cunts and I go online to bankofamerica.fuckyou,

you fucking cunts. And then I look up and I find the check and oh, that's what it was. And I can see it. Well, not only did they pull out, but they shut down. I can't find my shit. I can't go online to see what I did. You can't access your previous year's records.

My Bank of America history is no longer available to me unless I go get photocopy. I request. I don't even know what I'm requesting. You have to request a photocopy of the returned check. They fucked me. So I went down. I was so pissed off that I went in yesterday.

I swore at that guy from Bank of America. I was bellowing. Hold on. Did you go down to federal or did you call on the phone? When I couldn't get online on Bank of America. I was like bellowing. Oh, hold on. Did you go down to federal or did you call on the phone? When I couldn't get online on Bank of America, I called Bank of America

and I got, well, you're a platinum whatever. Account, platinum account. Legendary. You're a legendary customer. You're a legendary customer, Mr. Stanhope. Thanks for calling.

Fuck you, legendary. Why can't I get online? And I was screaming to the point, I think I could have had the police come to the door, the shit I was saying to this guy. I fucking, you did all but burn my fucking records. The way you won't let me get online to see my history fucks me. You might as well have come to my house and set my files on fire.

All my paper. You, I would set your kids' pigtails on fire. If I were there, I would set your child's pigtails on fire and hold you in a neck choke and make you watch. And I would giggle at your whimpers of your inability to do anything about it. You motherfucker. And he goes, sir, I'd ask you to stop talking like that because I do have a child. And you're like, oh,

you just opened up a fucking weakness to me. Oh, now we're going to hammer the child. We're going to hammer the child. He just blinked. It was pretty bad. So then I go, because Bill Burr on a podcast said, you can't just go fucking get your money out of the bank in cash. If you have a lot of money, yeah, they'll give you a counter check,

but you can't. And I'm like, I'm going to test that. So I went down there to Washington federal period. Chaley here noticed that there's a period after the name. It's weird. It's conspicuous. It's like, why is it, say, Washington federal and then a period? Well, when I

went down there to pull out all of my money in cash. You went down to the branch. And I said, yeah, and I'm going to do it in 50s and 2s just to be an asshole. Hold on a second. This is day two in operation. They only changed the sign on Sunday. Actually, no, it was day one.

Oh, it was Monday. Friday. It was supposed to go into effect Friday, but they weren't open in time. So they're all brand new polo shirts or whatever they're supposed to wear. It looks like there's a run on the bank because everyone in this town probably has the same accounting skills that I do. They're fucking farmers. Or don't trust the government or banks. A lot of Vietnam vet hats.

Yeah. Long, scraggly gray hair. Hey, are you an Allman brother? I don't know. You look like one. So this place is overcrowded. It's standing room only in the bank. And I went in and I finally got to the counter and I said, I want to withdraw all my money in cash.

Like right now. And close my account. Well, I think you have to go over there. Well, just give me, I'm not waiting in that line. You can tell them I'm closing my account. Just give me all the cash in there. And they go, oh, for that much money, you have to talk to a person. And I'm like, I'm not doing it.

Just you call me. You give me all my money and you call me when I can come down and I'm not waiting in a fucking line. And then I go, because you said it. I go, and what's with the period? It's Washington federal period. That's not a full sentence. There's no need for punctuation. I was such a fucking asshole yesterday.

And this is before I started day drinking. I was in such a mood. They had no answer for the period. And then I didn't get my money. And then I'm happy to be with... I'm happy to not be with Bank of America, but I wanted someone to fucking feel the brunt of my anger. Not to mention having some kind of...

Like, to be able to look back on your records. That's... I can't believe... This is... Why I get more angry at some fucking anonymous tweet that I suck than I do at all the injustice in the world. Because if I can figure out who I could kill, that alleviates all my anger. I won't kill them. I'm assuming at this point it's the reason I don't own a gun. But if I can figure out the person that I could kill,

Dorner style, them or their children, then all of a sudden it's okay, because I could make it all right. But an anonymous tweet, you don't know who to kill. And Bank of America, there's no Mr. Bank of America to kill. Like who's the guy that I can punch in the face that deserves it. I just yelled at some, and I,

for the record, you heard me. I did at the beginning of the conversation with that poor fucking guy on the phone at bank of America that I talked to. I go, I know it's not your fault, but I need to fucking yell at someone and there's no Mr. Bank of America. So I'm need to fucking yell at someone. And there's no Mr. Bank of America.

So I'm going to fucking yell at you. And then when I get in the set, the kid's pigtails on fire. That seemed a little directed at him. He goes, you're getting personal. Or he said, it's not personal. I go, no, it is personal because I'm a guy you fucked over. I have no accounting. This is the only way I know how to do any fucking numbers and you fucked me.

So it is personal to me. It's not personal to you because you're a guy who just answers the phone and gets a check. But it is personal on some level and I will fucking kill your kid, etc. But it's not his kid is not the problem. It's Mr. Bank of America. Anonymous should put out some website that just shows the guy. This is the guy. Like you hate a politician and you go and you get a weapon and you practice out on a range and you put his picture on a melon. You can get a, how about 100 yards?

Try 125 now. you can get a how about 100 yards try 125 now and that's your pressure release not going out and finding the boat yeah no it's shooting the melon no the the point is politicians all these people that are really not the problem you yell at them but you don't know the fucking ceo of the corporation that's fucking you over you don't know the fucking CEO of the corporation that's fucking you over. You don't know where he lives. Politicians are public figures. You should make the CEOs public figures. They should billboards.

Hey, this guy lives right here. Hey, did you ever eat fucking... Hey, can you set your fucking water on fire from the fracking? This is the actual guy and his address. This is where he eats lunch spit in his food those people should never eat a meal fight club yes

there is a fucking guy on the bottom rungs spitting in your food he masturbates in your laundry cause we know who you are but we don't know who you are and we should I just don't have the time to sit around and Google it because I day drink. I think that's why the federal government allows me to live.

They think he's a day drunk. He's harmless. There's nothing he's going to do. He will never get off that couch. Stop. Let Anonymous do your fucking work. couch stop let anonymous do your fucking work i i do have to say that yesterday or the day that you were just that that was creepy that that quickly you could in the podcast pick up your phone and get an image of the fucking guy that's mr bank of america i didn't say anything. I didn't want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say that yesterday when you hung up the phone from customer service at Bank of America, Bingo was on the couch.

And you looked at me, and the first thing you said was, did I wake you? From one street over. We're in another house. I'm like, no, I'm getting ready to take off. And then you go, oh, man. And you started to go into it, and Bingo looked up at me. And she's like, I can't handle this again. Yeah, no, I tried to repeat the conversation that I just had at the same level,

and Bingo goes, no, no more. I can't listen to this. I don't think you could have done it. You looked spent, and Bingo looked like, I can't believe that this just happened. I'm such a rotten person. looks spent and bingo looked like i i can't believe that this was like this just happened such a rotten person but yeah it's all it's all a control issue yeah if i can't control or you need to you need your visual you need to see that person that you you're pissed at and then you can that subway

breakfast sandwich it's the exact same bit there's no fucking person to go, hey, fuck you. And look what happened. I sleep late. I don't get to. I like breakfast. You motherfuckers. And after 10 years, now you can get breakfast anytime at Subway. No, you can't.

Well. In some markets. And they changed the whole sandwich. It stinks now. They don't have the English muffin or the bun anymore. Now it's flatbread or their fucking regular bun. I have a horrible life, people. Do you see what I have to deal with?

On my cabana? Hang on. I have to take off my suede bathrobe from a plastic surgeon's office so I can get some sun on my back while I yell about how fucked up my life is. Because you can't get an English muffin instead of a flatbread. I had to settle

for an English muffin. They used to have a special thing years ago. And fuck you, Taco Bell. Oh, you're coming out with breakfast? You came out with it 20 years ago and it wasn't bad. And now you're coming out with it. No, you came out with it and it failed. And now you have this shitty, awful fucking breakfast.

Fuck you, Taco Bell. I'm speaking to the man. God, will this ever air? I hope not. Not if you hear it. Oh, good Christ. All right, day drunk. Part three. We got to do a All right, day drunk. Part three.

We got to do a commercial. We don't have any commercials. I know, but what if I have to do that? We haven't made the announcement, but what if I do have to do? Well, wait a minute. There was a guy that we met at the Addison, Texas gig the second night, Addison, Texas gig the second night and he works for that

online gentleman service oh I don't remember this he's the guy who does Arrows Guide oh I would fucking definitely that would be something I could sponsor

because that was my go to place for prostitutes, ladies of the evening or early, early morning. As the sun comes up, they never answer their phone, and thank Christ. Well, he works for Aerosky, but he's in upper-level IT. This is why Greg Chaley is way better than fucking Red Band. Let's fire that up again. No, let's not do that.

No, no. So, Greg Chaley remembers every goddamn thing, has notes of every gig. Hey, we're in Fayetteville. I think we were here before. Oh, Greg Chaley has notes where we were, who opened, where we ate, if the food was good. Everything is fucking accounted for. It's amazing.

He's an amazing man, Greg Chaley. What was that fucker's name? It doesn't matter. Eros Guide. You got it. Hey, we're sponsored by Eros guide. If you're gacked up in Ybor City and you go, hey, I need a whore because this fucking boner is not going to just work alone with me. It needs company. Well, here's Eros guide.

You get pictures of the chick from different angles. And not just one fucking default Twitter pic looking up. Yeah, you can see her. She has what she will do and won't do. Is this under the guise of like a rough massage or something? It's their escorts. But I mean. You might want to see a movie at 4.30 in the morning when you're doing blow and a super eight.

And you want to take a date. Yeah, yeah. Hey, I don't want to fucking watch this movie at 4.30 in the morning when you're doing Blow and a Super 8. And you want to take a date. Yeah, yeah. Hey, I don't want to fucking watch this movie all by myself. I just got The Secret Life of fucking Walter Mitty or whatever on my pay-per-view in the room. And it's $16.99. I don't want to waste this. That's only nine bucks a head if I get another girl. Yeah, have her come over and you go Dutch.

It costs half of the movie. Right. So for $250 an hour, she'll suffer through a Ben Stiller feature with you. It's well worth the money. Hey, I don't like this movie either. Wanna fuck? How about I just beat off on your cans? However you like.

It's in your bio. You're into water sports, butt play, and beating off on your cans. Jizz drizzle on your tata. Arrow's Guide. Because Arrow's Guide vets you. It's not some Craigslist back page where you're going to get murdered. And if they will murder you, they'll put it in the bio. I'll do

hand jobs, latex, or kill you to death with a knife. With a knife, says Junior Stavka. Hey, was Eros Guide who you called that one night? Yes. With a certain unnamed female

comedian. Who was totally fine, passed out in the bedroom. Yeah. And it's so terrified her sister will hear me mention this and know it was her. They'll know. If you bring it up, they'll know it was me. And they did, actually. I wrote it in an update without mentioning her name.

Remember when I used to update my website? Hey, you know what? The random people that email me and say, hey, why don't you update your website? You know, I don't have a lot of time on Earth. Isn't this your update, though, now? It kind of is. I mean, you... Yeah, I get a podcast now.

Listen to this. I mean, you don't do it on a regular basis because you're busy. Spell check this, motherfucker. That's the name of my podcast. Spell check this, motherfucker. But, I mean, you wait until you find something you want to talk about. You know what the difference between effect and effect is? I don't either.

People have explained it to me. That's why I stopped writing. Because they go, oh, you fucking said. I don't either. People have explained it to me. That's why I stopped writing because they go, Oh, you fucking said, I didn't say it wrong. You understood the fucking what I meant. Fuck you. Sit around losing my goddamn hair.

My balding spot is mostly due to trying, trying to write and have correct grammar and thesaurus.com because I said nice like five times. Good and nice. I said, I can't use good and nice. I need other words. Give me, what time are we at? We're not on fucking terrestrial radio.

You're not behind a Bulletproof glass giving me the fucking countdown To top of the hour I was trying to use one hand to do 49 Traffic and weather together at the top of the hour Oh jeez oh we gotta go to break Sorry we gotta Insert cowbell here

I'm drunk now That's the end of my fucking vodka smoothie. And I have a warm Miller Lite. So, yeah. All right. Los Angeles. Flying into Los Angeles. With Chaley and the ladies.

Podcasting. Burt Kreischer. Joe Rogan. Bill Bur. Burt Kreischer. Joe Rogan. Bill Burr. My fucking hero. Brett Easton Ellis. There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes.

That's Bill Burr. You're also doing the AJ Hawk today. AJ Hawk. And then. There's someone else I missed. We're doing a lot of podcasting. Look at your hand. Oh, yeah.

I mentioned those. Then we're going to Honolulu for a. Eddie Ift is going to be playing in Honolulu. That's why I'm not. Because my go-to guy last minute. Hey, get me a gig. I'm going to Honolulu to get a tan for Howard Stern. Get me a gig.

I got Eddie Ift. Fuck it. I'll go see Eddie Ift, and I don't have to tell jokes. I could probably find you a small club. No, I don't want to do it. I realized when it became a problem finding a venue, I don't want to fucking do a gig. I want to get a tan.

I want to get day drunk at Arnold's, I believe is the tiki bar there. Arnold's Tiki Bar is fucking great. So yeah, if you want to see me this drunk at this hour, find me at Arnold's Tiki Bar in Honolulu. Is it the Ohio? Did you just tell him where I'm staying?

You fucking cunt. You just told him the bar that it's at. No, that's not the bar. That bar is a different bar. There's a bar. There's a hotel bar. Yeah, that's where I don't want to see people.

Oh, for all the Hollywood fans. Hey, if you want to move in next to me, I live at 212 Van Dyke Street in Bisbee, Arizona. And meet Debbie. She's a fan, too. She's across the street. And then Howard Stern on May 21st, I'll be doing Stern. Talk about some shit

that'll just probably devolve into why I don't fuck anymore. Always does. Do you know what you're going to talk about or how does that work? Yeah, they call you. They vet you. So there's like a pre-interview? Will. Will always calls and says, Yeah, they call you. They vet you. So there's like a pre-interview? And so like...

So Will goes over like... Will always calls and says, Hey, so what have you been doing? You know, milking you for what stories you have. And I always have none. And this time, I'm not even playing New York. I just finally have some stories that are Stern-worthy. I always feel like a piece of shit going on at Stern.

Like I should have just, I haven't fucking, you know, done anything. I have no weird hooker stories. I'm an old, boring, fucking drunk guy. But this time I have stories. So I'm saving them for Bill Burr and Stern. I did tell you that Louis C.K. just mentioned you on Howard Stern. Yeah, in a John Fox way. Which I think is funny.

It used to be John Fox was the guy you didn't want to follow into a condo. I even, on one of my CDs, early CD, I think Sicko, I have a John Fox condo reference. It was such the norm to not want to follow him into a condo. Like jizz and the mayonnaise. And now I guess I'm the John Fox. That's a reference. him into a condo like jizz and the mayonnaise yeah yeah and now i guess i'm the john fox i actually reference if you go into the archives of my site i wrote a whole update years ago 2004 i think it was an election year i remember and uh yeah calling john fox the ghost of christmas future and here we are here we are are. The baton has been passed. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what? You just fucking have to own it. Well, Howard loves the idea of the road life and like that thing because I think it repulses him, but he doesn't know anything about it. He thinks it's sad. Like these guys that have to spend their whole lives on the road. Like I don't want a real gig.

You have to go into makeup and fucking... That's the angle that I think you can take to it is that you're doing it on your own terms. You're doing small venues where it's not about the money. It's about you going in and doing it at a level that you love to do it at. And he's not getting that from the comics. Oh, yeah, love is a strong word.

You're forced at knife point to do. Yeah, it's a... Love is a strong word. You're forced at knife point to do. Yeah. I'd like to do other things occasionally. The Louis C.K. thing was great. The fucking Chris Rock, whatever movie that is. You don't even know. I don't know. But I assume I'll get cut out of it but

it's a small part does someone just point you where to look i had two lines and they both had nigger in them and i'm a cop like you really you can sell me as a cop my fucking hunched over fucking posture well i guess i don't know if you walked in in a cop uniform, I'd think, uh-oh, stripper gram. Before I'd think real cop. I have a Polaroid picture of me. I had a job for like three days as a security guard. What? Yeah.

Pinkertons. Pinkerton? Yeah. I believe it was Pinkertons in Massachusetts when I was 18. And I looked like a little girl. and someone actually called me ma'am. When I was 18, I looked like I was 13, so someone saw me in my security guard outfit. Oversized outfit, nothing fits right, and you look like you're 12.

And I had my longish hair, 80s hair. Someone called me ma'am. I looked like I was going out trick-or-treating with a security guard. I tried to do a slip and fall, not to sue, but just to get out of work once. I slipped on something. I don't know what I put on the floor. And I tried to slip. No, it didn't work.

They go, you'll be fine. And I didn't have the wherewithal. And you just left? No, I didn't leave. I just quit. I quit all my jobs. I had so many three-day jobs. I had two 90-minute jobs.

One, mopping up at the Centrum after. What's the Centrum? Shut the fuck up. We're trying to close this goddamn podcast, you fucking after... What's the Centrum? Shut the fuck up. We're trying to close this goddamn podcast, you fucking dogs. What's the Centrum? It was the big concert arena in Worcester. A venue. Yeah, mopping up after fucking events.

90 minutes, we stole the mop in the mop bucket and brought it back to the place we had walked off the job at an all-night diner and tried to use that as... I'm rambling. I gotta go. What was the other 90-minute job? walked off the job at an all-night diner and tried to use that. I'm rambling. I got to go. What was the other 90-minute job?

Oh, it was putting circulars into newspapers. Oh, the inserts. The inserts, yeah. They're called blow-ins. Yeah. Now there's a machine that does your 90-minute job. Yeah, exactly. Yes, and there should be. There was, I'm going to the bathroom.

I'll be right back. And I never came back. And you know what? Hey, this podcast continues. Right after I go to the bathroom, I'll be right back. And I never came back. And you know what? Hey, this podcast continues right after I go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. Play the matoid. Hey, by the way, that one comic that I was trying to think of his name, he was a trooper, John Michael Bond.

All right. All right, John Michael Bond. There you go. You got a plug in. Yeah. I already said play the matoid, so this shouldn't ever air. All right. I cut that part out. You need to in. Yeah. I already said play the Matoid, so this shouldn't ever air. All right. I cut that part out.

You need to say it again. I'm going to the bathroom. Play the Matoid. Play the Matoid. You've been listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast, recorded live in Doug Stanhope's backyard in Misby, Arizona, with Doug Stanhope, Bingo, and Greg Shaley. Produced and recorded by me, Shaley. Opening music by Mishka Shubalek. Party time by The Mad Toy. Both available on iTunes. This podcast is sponsored by the Copper

Queen Hotel in downtown Bisbee, Vodka Smoothies, the Shady Dell Vintage Trailer Resort, ShadyDell.com, the Bisbee Blues, and Arrows Guys. Doug's heading back out on the road in June, so check out the dates at DougStanhope.com. Better yet, get on the email list. If you have a question for Doug, email him at Doug at DougStanhope.com. Thanks for listening.

Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time. Howl your howls and sock your socks, it's party time Howl your howls and suck your socks It's party time Oh baby, crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Crap your craps and fuck your fucks It's party time Party time, yeah! Party time! Party time, yeah! Party time!

Party time! Party time! Party time, pasta time, pasta time, pasta time, pasta time, pasta time, pasta time, hey! Pasta time, yeah! And who's my hero? Sausage Mary!