The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Episode #54: Doug's Shit Faced Christmas Podcast

Episode Date: December 29, 2014

Doug rounds up comedian Brett Erickson and Chad Shank to get the story behind Castle Rock Kenny’s name. Christmas preparations, a sing-a-long, dog fights and Uncle Fuzzy all round out this special Shit Faced Christmas podcast.Tour T-Shirts are now available online at www.dougstanhope.com and supplies are limited. This podcast sponsored by -Bisbee Grand Hotel - bisbeegrandhotel.comMiners & Merchants - http://on.fb.me/148EdNeBrown Paper Tickets - brownpapertickets.comAce Bandage - www.acebrand.comRecorded Dec 25, 2014 at the Safe House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), comedian Brett Erickson (@bretterickson68), Chad Shank (@HDfatty) and Castle Rock Kenny. Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Intro music "" by Mishka Shubaly. Closing song “Funeral Party” by The Mattoid. Both available on iTunes.Get on the Mailing List and so Doug can contact you the minute he decides to cancel his retirement.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

🎵 🎵 Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again 🎵 🎵 Blew my drug money on a quart of gin 🎵 🎵 Well I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating, but I'll settle fell in love with love and death and darkness if i'm a bad drunk well it's not for lack of practice there is no this is no modern romance because i'm going home in a fucking ambulance Well am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight Spring break, gone broke, it's sprung tonight spring break

gone broke it's sprung now I'm the only one mirrored medicine cabinet door Like the hatch of a submarine Bottles inside like buttons and dials And tiny backlit screens Bloody footprints on the bathroom floor

In a hotel close to the airport Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight The despair is an octopus with its head in New Hampshire and tentacles everywhere well am I the only one

drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight. Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight. Am I the only one drinking tonight? tonight alright this is the Doug Stanhope

shit faced Christmas podcast with Brett Erickson ouch Chad Shank aka at HD fatty you are at Brett Erickson 68 that's it

no underscores or nothing. No, no, no. I don't fucking play that game. And we're fucking hammered with Castle Rock Kenny as our brief guest because we've got to get a story out of him. Hello, everybody. Hey. All right.

This started last night with you and I, Brett Erickson. What do you mean, the tradition of Christmas? The tradition of Christmas. Let's say there were a lot of people here. Some of them were doing cocaine all through the night. I don't know who. Oh, my God. I was not one of those.

I might have been one of those people. Don't they know that it's Jesus' birthday? I don't know Jesus, but he might have been one of those people. Don't they know that it's Jesus's birthday? I don't know Jesus, but he might have been that guy in the corner that kept fucking hogging all the pot roast. Chad Shank. That's the guy who was bringing the cocaine was Jesus. He brought enough for 12 people. I heard who was bringing the cocaine, and I have a problem with it. That's a whole other podcast.

Yeah, that's a no. Or not a podcast. That's not a podcast. No. All right. Kenny, pussy whipped Castle Rock Kenny, has to go pick up his wife. Kenny is the butthead to the Reverend Derek Beavis. They take care of my place while I'm away.

They drink lots of my booze, which is their payment for taking care of the place. Somebody's got to do it. They make sure your TV works by playing video games on it constantly. I don't know how to work my fucking remote controls. They do. When I get home, yes, they're 40-year-old children, and I fucking love them. Derek left today to go back to St. Louis,

so Kenny shows up this morning. After Christmas Eve, fucked up. Yeah. Doug still woke up in his suit that he had on last night. I woke up. Yeah. Doug still woke up in his suit that he had on last night. I woke up. I was wearing the goofiest blue and, I mean, green and red. Something. Just

Christmas colors, but an awful suit. And then at night here it gets freezing, so I had to put on an overcoat. And I woke up in all of it. Just overcoat, shoes, up in all of it. Just overcoat shoes, every fucking part of it. And no one's there.

The entire place has become empty. And then in half an hour I hear I'm making eggs and I hear the dogs bark and it's Kenny just cleaning up all by himself on Christmas morning. Yeah. So I went out to tell him I'm alive. And his hat. And we had some breakfast tacos. And Kenny said to me so sweetly,

because Kenny can be a real irritant in the morning. When you wake up sober after a horrible drunk, which is every night for me, you don't want to talk to people. And Kenny is one of those people that can't accept silence. He just says anything to say stuff because he's afraid of not talking. But I woke up still drunk. And Kenny said, you know, I love Christmas, but I hate Christmas alone. Because his wife had to work.

I was still drunk. And Kenny was so like a little bit honest and not trying to be Kenny. And we had a beautiful day because we told people, hey, it's open house for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. So Christmas Eve, a bunch of people showed up Christmas morning. We're like struggling to perform. It's like if a porn star had to do a second money shot on the spot. I don't know when people are coming. We just said open house.

I don't know when people are coming. We just said open house. So Kenny and I alone killed two bottles of champagne, drinking mimosas by ourselves, waiting for anyone to even come over or talk to us. But here we are. And here we are. Kenny, they call him Castle Rock Kenny, and I've never heard this story accurately.

When I first met Kenny, they said, we call him Castle Rock Kenny behind his back, but don't bring it up because he's sensitive about it. But I think we've known each other long enough that you can tell the story. Well, I can just say this personally. Whenever anyone tells Doug Stanhope, don't say anything. He's sensitive about it. I think the one thing we know for sure is that he'll keep that a secret and respect the wishes.

Hey, that's sarcasm, listener. Lots of it. Never gets it. I get so many tweets where you go, you want to tweet back. I was like, are you fucking kidding? Oh, my account got, someone just sent some shit. Why did you use such vulgarity? And I go, oh, I'm sorry, my account got hijacked.

I was hacked. I would never use that. You must not know who I am as a person. Anyway, Castle Rock Kenny, how did you get the nickname Castle Rock Kenny? Well, everybody thought I was going to jump off Castle Rock. Hang on, hang on. You remember

you're talking to 15 people around the world. I thought it was less. What Castle Rock is. Castle Rock is like the town rock. If you live in... You can't say like the town rock.

You know, like your town rock. Yeah, like other towns. Everybody's town rock. It's in the middle of Bisbee, Arizona. It's a giant rock, like a big phallus, dead in the center of downtown Old Bisbee. Yeah. And it goes up to about the height of the highway,

which is... I don't know. I don't know i don't know i can't judge dishes let's say 50 feet uh no it's bigger than 50 feet let's say 150 let's say let's say yeah we'll meet in the middle at 100 i don't know how high it is at least i'm the one using standard fucking measurements. If you jumped off it, you'd die. It's that height. I saw a guy fall off of it, repelling, and he didn't die. He just bounced a few times. That was Castle Rock Pete. Next week, Castle Rock Pete on a very shit-faced New Year's Eve podcast.

face New Year's Eve podcast. So, all right. They called you Castle Rock Kenny. Let's start at what I know is you were going to jump off it and there was a police standoff. People saying, don't jump, don't jump.

Let's say there was a few people saying, don't jump, don't jump. And I told him you come up here and we'll yeah but it was more like the point is we are starting at the that point and going backwards to why you wanted to jump off of castle rock because again small town for first time listener. Wrong podcast. Go back to some of the more ones we planned out. Were you tweaking at the time? A little bit.

I was a little high on. Yeah. Methamphetamine, as they would call it, tweak. Go fast. How long were you a tweaker? Because I didn't trust you at first when I first met you. Just because you have the tweaker look. Thanks.

I know I'm six foot two and skinny, but hey, what can I say? No, there's a different. If I read in a classified ad where I was looking for a male escort, if they said six foot two and skinny, I wouldn't go tweaker. That's because you said tweaker look. You meant tweaker vibe. No, he didn't have the vibe. I met Kenny.

There was a poker room in town when it was kind of semi-legal for a minute. Yeah, for about ten minutes. And I'm shitty at poker, and i beat the fuck out of kenny he did and i i stopped playing after that i quit while i was ahead yeah he did but yeah back to the story well apparently i was just having a bad day and it took the cops see this is what i didn't want you to do i'm apparently i was having a bad day i'm a little i'm a little microphone shy i guess as you would say first of all look look at me in the eye someone get kenny a drink i gotta drive but i'll take some years

you have to get to the guts of the story that's's what I said. If you want to be human, I want to hear this story, but you have to be human. What do you mean? What drove me? How fucked up were you? What was going on in your life? Well, I had a girlfriend. Well, she wasn't really a girlfriend, but she was somewhat of a girlfriend, and she was a little weird, and I was crazier because apparently I was high on methamphetamine.

What can you say? But I didn't drink much and i decided to drink and i drank some margaritas and i had a little bit of vicodin for lunch and i got in a fight with my supposed stepsister well half sister whatever you want to call it skip the minutiae yeah but i went up on top of castle rock to smoke some marijuana. It's not legal. Well, it is legal here now if you've got a prescription. Brought to you by Green Pharmacy. Not a part of the story.

Kenny, I've seen you break down when you were trying to help. When we were doing Super Bowl party and we do squares. If you don't know how squares work, fucking Google it. So we're doing squares. So there's a simple payout. And Kenny gets the math or someone gets the math wrong. And Kenny broke down into not first a tantrum, then tears, like bawling his fucking eyes out. He's a human being.

He just can't get it out of him. He can't be anything but the character he's made himself into, which is not Castle Rock Kenny. He's New Kenny. But he was like bawling and kicking things and just because he couldn't

figure out the math. That was Whiskey Kenny. Whiskey Kenny. So you fucking climb. You can't just snowball through why you climbed up on top of Castle Rock and made a spectacle. But it was the easiest place to go and when the police showed up, I thought...

Wait, why did you want to fucking kill yourself? I didn't until the police showed up and asked me what seems to be the problem and I told them I'm angry. But they're at the bottom of the rock and I me what seems to be the problem. And I told them I'm angry, but they're at the bottom of the rock and I'm at the top of the rock. So, okay. Hang on.

Look at me while we talk. Cause this will help make it human. You're crying a little bit. Are you? He's crying a little bit. I love it. I got 10 minutes. All right.

You had to listen. This is what the listeners are hearing, is I had a bad day, and then I wasn't going to kill myself until the cops came. Well, see. That doesn't really tell a story. Hey, cops put me in a bad mood, too. Well, at the moment. You're tweaked out.

You climb on top of Castle Rock. Hang on. At the moment. You're tweaked out. You climb on top of Castle Rock. And you're just. Now we're. Wait. Hang on.

Let me. Let me. Guess. That you're just sitting on top of Castle Rock. As a pity party. Waiting. Going. Everyone look at me.

No. I'm fucked up. I didn't even want nobody at the point. To even know I was up there. But. When me. And. The so-called sister-in-law got in a fight.

Then it became that spectacle. And when I seen the police come in, I thought to myself, well, shit, I've gone to jail for less for doing just absolutely nothing. So now I'm on top of this rock making a spectacle of myself in front of all these people.

Well, let's make it worth the while and let's see how far it goes. And it went for about five and a half hours of me. A standoff of you're going to jump. Yes. Of me yelling to them saying, fuck you, you're going to make me jump or tell those cops behind me to get the fuck out of here. So I switched rocks because there are two rocks to Castle Rock.

He switched rocks. There's not just one. There's an easy rock to climb up, and then there's the hard rock. I chose the hard rock. And then I leaped down a little bit and stood in the middle of the hard rock so nobody could get to me, and I started going crazy. Now, are you gacked out at this point? No, I was way coming down.

I was more like drunk and high on biking. You're just committed. Yeah. Now at this point, I'm sorry. Commitment to a a bit now there's a whole like the whole town is now the entire bisbee police force of five i was too embarrassed not to kill myself you look stupid if you don't jump well fuck but then you think to yourself oh i'm not that far from the ground at this point really it would take them a lot less time to get the fire truck ladder and hang it up there and just climb up and say, dude, what are you doing? But no, they didn't.

So I got to stand there for five hours. So what was your breaking point? Well, I kind of. Let's make this 127 hours. Yeah, I was going to stand in the rock. If I could. So during the five and a half hours, it was I don't even know what my breaking point was to tell you the truth. I think I just got hungry.

I'll come down if you bring me a cheeseburger. And I just went, oh, yeah, this Burger King. I'm going to jump. The fucked up thing is I asked what cop worked the night before, and I asked the graveyard shift, the one that was sleeping, supposed to get up for the shift that he was going to come on to. Eat the mic. Oh, eat the mic.

Yes. And they told me, oh, it's Albert. He should be getting up here anytime. I said, call him. Let him come talk me off this rock. So he drove up, literally, in plain clothes, shirt untucked, camo pants. What are you doing, Kenny? I don't know. What are you doing, Kenny? I don't know.

What are you doing? He goes, I was sleeping. I got to work. Yeah, I knew that. I asked him who was working tonight. He says, what are you doing? Again, I said, well, I don't want to go to jail. What makes you think you're going to go to jail?

Well, I've been here for five hours. Five and a half hours stand up and i watch tv i've seen what happens usually somebody gets tased at this point and they fall off the fucking rock and they get taken to the hospital but no you guys are all right it's for somewhat of a cop team well you're white yeah true but white-ish. He's tweaker white. With all the shit that's going on now, with all the Ferguson and stuff, I want to rail on cops in general. I want to generalize them as fuckheads, as I've always done.

But I've had such great fucking Bisbee Cop experiences because we live in a fucking small town where Kenny can be on top of Castle Rock. The bigger Castle Rock. The hard rock. It was the hard rock. Get Alex or Alfred or I don't know what name you just said. They'll get out of bed and go, oh, Kenny's

on the rock again. No, not on the rock. He's on the rock again. No, not on the rock. He's on the rock. Oh. So they talked you down. Right. Did you actually go down a fire ladder or did you crawl back? I actually climbed back and it was kind of difficult

because it was dark and I really don't like heights so I couldn't even tell you what the fuck I was doing there, but the climb back was not as fun as it was dark and i really don't like heights so i couldn't even tell you what the fuck i was doing there but the climb back was not as fun as it was going down to the spot where i got and it wasn't as fast but when i got there i said you can't handcuff me if you handcuff me i'm just gonna go crazier and blah blah i don't even know how they didn't handcuff me because they didn't they just threw me in the front of the of car. Not the back seat, but the front seat. And they drove me to the hospital. First of all, this is a great example.

But there's so many great cop stories about cops in this town just going, come on. I'll give you a ride. You're way too fucked up. There's really great cops in this town all the other cops fucking yeah fuck you they're talking about getting rid of the bisbee police so you know but yeah well that we could do it as well as they do yeah probably we can give people rides yeah we we can go out and go hey kenny kenny come on don't be a dick off the rock but it's a talent so so they didn't handcuff no they just took me to the hospital i don't know

what they gave me at the hospital but it made me calm down that's for sure yeah i was smiling i was talking like lorazepam says chad shank sorry there's four people three mics. And they didn't press charges or anything? No, they took me to Benson and I spent three days in the mental... The puff unit. Yeah. Which is... For the listeners, the puff unit is where Bingo was, where she got locked up, where we sent her all the thrift store clothes that were

inappropriate for the puff unit. Oh, my. So you spent three days in the puff? Three days. It was like I was the kingpin in that place, I swear. He was fucking every kind of bipolar. You're my bitch. Yeah.

Borderline personality. Suck my dick. I beat you all in chess. I'm suicidal. I'm a danger to myself and others. Suck my did well they made me talk to a doctor which looked like my uncle so when i sat down and he sat down i actually looked at him and go you look familiar he goes what are you doing here and i said i don't know what are you doing here like i said to the cop and he says he writes down his yellow notepadepad, so how's your day going?

Fine. I can't wait for the Bengals to come on. And they're like, hmm. He's like, I like the Bengals. He's like, their uniforms are unique. I said, yeah. I guess he was just trying to strike conversation with me to see if I was actually insane or not.

But I don't know. I got out of there in three days. So he asked you if you were a Bengals fan? Yeah. That's how he decided. I was waiting for who was the top and who was the bottom in this story. I like their uniforms too.

What the fuck? I thought it was really his uncle. I don't know. We're all going different places with this story. Alright, so how long ago was that? What year? Do you remember? No, I'm too much of a pothead to remember that shit. How old were you? Come on. 24?

So it's fucking 14 years ago. Yeah. And you still have Castle Rock Kenny attached to you. Yeah. By a few people. Well, it only takes a couple to make it widespread. Yeah. In this town.

That's true. When you make the front page, you are now known. How long after that did you quit doing tweak? Because honestly, Kenny, as fucked up as Kenny is, he's one of the people I trust. Kenny doesn't do tweak anymore. So it's been probably a good shit since 2009. And that's the truth there.

That's, you know, for me, good. Liar. Here off and on, maybe. Andy Andrus might have made me fall off here. You just stepped on. Andy Andrus might have made him fall off the wagon at one point. He asked me to get some go fast, and I kind of misunderstood him, and I got the wrong kind of go fast. But we did a little bit anyways.

Then I threw the rest out the window. Well, you're social. Yeah. You have a bit of port wine after dinner once or twice a year. Either way. Or two bottles of champagne on Christmas Day. Yeah. All right.

Well, now you have to go pick up your wife. And we're going to go back to this podcast already in progress. You guys have a good night. Kenny is if you ever come to Bisbee, see Castle Rock Kenny and talk him off the ledge at Bisbee Grand Hotel and Saloon. All right.

We love you, sir. Castle Rock Kenny, everybody. We're going to take... Before we take a break, as a guest of the podcast, you have sponsorship by anyone you want to be your sponsor. I'd like to thank the Bisbee Grand Hotel and Saloon and my girlfriend, who's my boss. Oh, pussy whip, dude.

The Bisbee Grand Hotel is the first place I stayed when I ever came here. And it's like a trailer for sale or rent yeah the rooms are you're like am i in a halfway house am i it's uh yeah the floor is creaking like it's one thing hearing kids run up and down your hallway in a fucking super eight but this is where you're hearing actual creaks where you feel your bed move because someone's out in the stairwell. But, hey, it sold me. I live here. All right.

We'll be right back after these messages from anyone. No one. No one. Anyone need cocktails? Okay. No one. Anyone need cocktails? Okay, a quick note. Bill Burr evidently just announced Australia and New Zealand dates. I don't know. I think it's maybe February, but go to BillBurr.com,

and you're going to fucking love Bill Burr if you don't already know him. And I'm guessing you already do. So, yeah, check that out at BillBird.com. I have no upcoming dates, nor do I plan on booking any for a while. I need to decide if I want to do this stupid career anymore. But I do that about every year and I always come racing back like a whore.

Great news, kids. The much neglected merch page on my much neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour t-shirts, podcast t-shirts, we have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts. Get them

before we get sued. Before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now back to the podcast previously recorded. Anybody else try to kill themselves when I tell about it? I almost killed people yesterday,

but not myself. I had to go to Tucson for Christmas Eve. I didn't know it was Christmas Eve until we headed down the road. I became suspicious immediately that something was up. Why didn't you know it was Christmas Eve? Because I don't really celebrate Christmas. I don't know which day is what. The other day, Stanho called me for football, and he was like, hey, there's football. And I was like, oh, it's Sunday? I don't know what day it is. I don't really celebrate Christmas. I don't know which day is what. The other day, Stanho called me for football, and he was like,

hey, there's football. And I was like, oh, it's Sunday? I don't know what day it is. I don't keep track. Jen, who just moved here from Minneapolis, she's lived here since September, said today, I just realized I don't have a clock. It's kind of a Bisbee thing.

Yeah, it's a bisbee thing yeah a day who i only know time by football and once football's over that's when i go into my own personal rehab and try to quit smoking again and uh but yeah i don't i just i don't have a clock why would you everyone's on disability here or some other scale or should be no one has a job so you're in tucson at the mall oh it was just horrible i just didn't expect it why why were you there like i can't imagine you being talked into going it was my idea to take her to sabino canyon like it's really pretty You see fall leaves. There's water and stuff around. I was going to try to do something nice for her. So you went to see fall leaves on Christmas Eve.

I didn't know it was Christmas Eve. I don't know. I didn't. We don't celebrate. Have you met his wife yet? She's the sweetest. Yeah. Sweetheart.

Yeah. And he tries to do nice things for her. Well, because I know I'm a horrible person. My dream is for her to meet a gay friend who will take her out on dates and stuff because I won't even go to Applebee's with her. I'm like, fuck that. I don't want to fucking leave the house. So with a gay friend, the two of you combined could be the perfect husband.

Then I don't get jealous. And then she gets to have somebody to do be the perfect husband. Then I don't get jealous. Right. And then she gets to have somebody to do all the things I wish that, you know, I would do. You wanted. Yeah. She deserves, but I know I'm too much of an asshole. She deserves baby back ribs. She's too nice to leave me.

So, you know, it's a fucked up situation. I feel like I'm in the same relationship. Like, if Bingo ever got self-confidence, I'd be alone. I'd be so alone but i just didn't know it was so on the way there that's what i told jenny i says well i didn't plan on today being the day because i always joke around with her and refer to her the day that i'm gonna just snap and fucking make the news so yeah well that's the big thing. I need to make the news. Cause I want to break records. Of course,

if you're going to do something, do it right. But I'm like, I don't have, I don't have any weapons or ammunition or anything on me. I didn't know that it was Christmas Eve when we headed out. So I told, but I'm,

I improvised. I told her it's Christmas Eve. If I get seven with a stick on Christmas, I can get a headline. I'm pretty sure. But you made it out. But I didn't. I didn't do bad.

I didn't do bad at all. You did Christmas, like, because last night it was, oh, Kenny's gone now. But Kenny said, oh, we did Christmas on the 23rd because his girlfriend had to work on Christmas Eve. But you did Christmas a week before Christmas and just told your kids, fuck it, today's Christmas. This is Christmas. We've done that for a long time. Why would you even say it's Christmas? Give them shit.

That's what it is. It's called Christmas. We never took them to church or anything. They don't know that it's Jesus' birthday or whatever it's supposed to be. They just know that it's the day they get shit. So if they get it eight days before they usually do, they're not going to bitch. Yeah, I guess as a kid I wouldn't. Oh, hey, Christmas came early.

Thank God. Or Jesus, whoever. Whoever it was. Santa. Thank God we got our presents before Dad snapped and killed everybody with a stick. We gave no presents. Last year we tried because we had enough time.

We tried to give stuff to people. And it stinks. I mean, I like to buy presents. But if you have to think about what to get people, it's fucking pointless. I get like Floyd gives me shit. Floyd is a local guy. Miners and merchants visit that when you come to Bisbee. He's got the fucking weirdest antique shop of like seven different rooms on three floors.

But he finds me shit. He just gave me this antique opium bottle from when it was legal with a label on it. And he just the The joke phone. So old, novel. He brings me all sorts of great shit. Well, it'd be easy to give people shit if you had an antique shop that was

fucking filled with shit. And you could just be like, here, here's a present. But he doesn't do it on Christmas. He probably did bring me a Christmas present. But the point is, he brings you, I find shit that you would like. I go, oh, that's perfect. People are sending, you know, I give out my address. Hey, by the way, can you stop showing up at my house?

I mean, the Canadians were fine. But this guy came the other day. I actually cooked – You made dinner. It was so cute. Baked stuffed clams, which I haven't even heard of since I was a kid. And I don't even really have a table we can all sit at. It was so out of the ordinary that we were all having dinner together that there was no place to sit because we realized we don't sit.

Yeah, two of us are in one room and the the other two are in the other somebody's got a folding chair in the bathroom yeah and this guy shows up he showed up before like i think it was with his family and uh like occasionally people have shown up at my house because i give out my address and if i'm home and i'm bored i I'll go, all right, one cocktail. And then you got to go. And he's one of those guys. But he, no, that's what I'm telling people. Because I'm less and less in the mood

to have one cocktail. And this guy came back during our dinner. And I'm not the kind of guy who said, you're calling me during dinner dinner. And I'm not the kind of guy who said, you're calling me during dinner hour. But we really did actually make a dinner with the Ericsons and me and Bingo with baked stuffed clams. And he came in with a, I got a Christmas present.

This was on the 23rd. Wait, yeah. The night before. The one night off that wasn't football or holidays. It was our family time. And it's so hard for me to say no. I feel bad. Like, he drove all the way from Phoenix or Tucson or something.

Well, I just thought I had a gift for you. And I'm like, all right. And I let him in, and I go, okay, you can put it under that tree, which has been there for fucking years. We have a little tiny orange Christmas tree. And I got his present from last year still under there. I said, you can come during football and that's better. But he's like, when's football?

And I'm like, oh, fuck. That means he's coming for football and he doesn't know football. So he's just going to talk about other shit. And no, we watch football because we like it. So if you're not in Sunday, it's fine. If you're Brad's wife, if it's Kelly and your girlfriends, I know you're just going to sit by the fire anyway. But if you're some weird guy that drove to my house and now you're trying to make a friendship out of it, you're not going to sit around and chat with other people.

You're going to fucking haunt me during football. So, yeah, Christmas, we didn't give anything to anyone. We got a lot of shit in the mail. And thank you. I can't pick out specific people right now, but you send weird shit, and I love it. And thank you for that. Brechels.

Yeah. All you did for Christmas was... Drive Derek to Tucson. Hey, it was a white Christmas around. We've been going for a long goddamn time. Wait, today's Christmas? Yeah, yeah, this is the

Shitface Christmas podcast. What time are we at? Can you read that? I need reading glasses to see that. 33 minutes in. Now we're fucked. Now we're going to have to take another break.

Take a moment. See where we go for another 15 minutes. I have a plan. All right. Hey, please hold. Your listenership is very important to us. Please continue to hold. While you hold, do you know that Greg Chaley revamped my website

so merch is now actually readily available and affordable? So, yeah, buy a fucking T-shirt or something. He revamped the website, and the stanhope store is live and open and then as soon as that happened he fucking left yeah and left you left me what did they call that uh so if you get some merch and it's not the right merch fuck you take the merch you got hey that one guy from denmark that emailed me saying, I ordered. I just got this email. I ordered shit in July. He didn't say shit.

He was very polite. He ordered four DVDs or CDs or whatever in July and only got one of them because I don't know how it works because at some point the new DVD was brown paper tickets. Oh, fuck. Hey, brown paper tickets. Oh, fuck. Hey, brown paper tickets. I haven't paid you yet. I got that email about some invoices for fulfillment.

Just, yeah, email me again. Hey, this sponsorship is brown paper tickets. If you're a young artist or an old artist, if you're the Rolling Stones or James Inman, use brown paper tickets to sell your shit. Fuck Ticketmaster. Brown paper tickets is the fucking easiest way to fucking all these lazy-ass fucking headliners

that I could make more money working down the street at an empty fucking bar, but it's easier to work the... Alright, stop. Brown paper tickets. Just brown paper tickets. Fuck ticket master. That should be their slogan. Fuck ticket master. Alright.

That's a break. The Denmark guy, the Denmark guy, for the record, before we go to break, Greg Shaley and I talked about it, and it's being handled That's a break. The Denmark guy, the Denmark guy, for the record, Greg Shaley and I talked about it, and it's being handled, and his shit will be sent off. Of course. And you know what's weird is our friend, I won't say who he is because he's on disability. They used to do fulfillment under the table.

This guy emailed me and said, hey, i didn't get my shit he waited till december i thought maybe he was gonna complain and didn't complain said it politely um i only got one of the four things and it's overseas shipping is horrendous prices like just to the cost and so i i go i'm working on it and i cc'd the one guy and chaley who's now in charge of it and so everybody has emailed this guy back like this guy what like polite complaint and everyone it's like if you if fucking us air the worst airline in the fucking world fucked you over ridiculously again and you just sent a polite email

hey us air you fucked me and I missed my mother's funeral because you said hey go fuck yourself and could I get some kind of discount and everyone from us emailed you back on oh my god we're so sorry hey let's take care of the pilot showed up at your house

took you to the airport we're very sorry about this sir reanimated your fucking dead mother here she is so you can say goodbye again. So yeah, we're customer service oriented at DougStanhope.com. And we'll be right back after Brett takes a shit. Bye. This is Chad Shane.

And when I'm at Stanhope, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty. Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y.

Hyman Doberman? I don't know. you're a foul one mr grinch you're a nasty you're a nasty skunk your heart is full of unwashed soft your soul is full of gunk, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't touch you with a 37 and a half foot pole. I think at some point we have to pay royalty, so let's kill

that. If you add the lyrics, though, you could do Chad Shank could do Mr. Grinch better than the original. Thank you, sir. I like to feel like i have some value in this life and then that's about the highest i've ever reached it's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me you're more grinchy than the grinch more grinchy than the grinch the grinch never wanted to get seven people with a stick. The one I want to talk about, if I look at Carrie Mitchell in the eyes,

I can't because she's an elected official. But I made out with her. And last year, I left town out of shame for outing this friend of mine. It's a young kid who's obviously gay, and it's Christmas Eve last year, and they're still around at 3.30 in the morning, and he doesn't drink, and she shouldn't. And they're the only two people left, and I'm still trying to keep myself awake. She's his mom.

Yeah, it's his mom. And he's the most obvious gay kid in the world, but it's a small town. You can see, but it's not an intolerant town whatsoever. Well, it's the best town in the world to be gay in, I'm pretty sure, isn't it? So ever. Well, it's the best town in the world to be gay. And I'm pretty sure, isn't it? And he'd always say, well, my mother's running for office, so I can't ruin her campaign.

And I mean, while it's completely obvious. So I don't think you should have felt too bad for out. Well, it's three thirty in the morning and I'm still up because they're there. And he said something straight acting. And I went, all right, let's cut this shit. Just tell your mother. Oh, I just said his name. Chaley can bleep that. Oh, sorry, I was late.

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. So let's cut the shit. Your heart's an empty hole. So let's cut the shit. Your heart's an empty hole. You've got spiders in your soul, Mr. Grinch. So I said, just say I'm drunk as shit. I go, just tell her you're gay.

And she's like, what? What? No, just say, well, I'm ugly um i'm not i'm by i'm by but and then she says his real name which is not his nickname and says but i always asked you so she was even yeah aware and he's no he's just into anime at 28 years old and fingerless gloves and so you ruined their christmas so uh then then i had to sit through the whole you know intervention not intervention but the whole disquieting of well i don't i don't mind it's okay but i'm just and then i'm like oh what did i do this is not my business to do this i'm such a fucking asshole i just did that and i woke up with such shame that i just took my favorite dog henry phillips so you woke up on christmas on christmas morning filled with shame filled with shame and drove

to winnemucca nevada where i'm on david tribble is a comedy booker of the like the most evil haunts in like sheridan wyoming fucking baker montana like Montana. You want to play Butte? I got a room in Butte. Yeah, he doesn't anymore. I'm still on his mailing list. That's the gigs I started on in 1990. That's where I cut my teeth. You've been to those towns, but not his gigs,

where you're in a Red Lion Lounge, and it's like $5 or nothing to get in. And so, so I just, I, I'd seen when a mucka is a, a town where triple still has a gig.

He still sends out a mailing list feature act needed and it has the run Monday open Tuesday, open Wednesday, winnemucca thursday like you have one gig on this what you call a run i mean it's a gig and there was one for december 26 and i was thinking when i got it who the fuck winnemucca nevada is like likely one of the most remote places in the united states it's like from it's like seven hours from san francisco which is the closest comedy community that would have to go there and i was i remember thinking what poor motherfucker has to work winnemucca when new comics ask me for hey well how do i get started move to win a mucka because every fucking week i get this mailing list from david triple because no one can get there

so so you live there you work every week you felt such shame that you wanted to i felt such shame to bond with the guy i just wanted to fucking leave it's cold here in the winter at night and in the morning and i just grabbed i had to pick one dog and i grabbed henry phillips my dog not no comic he's named after and we we drove for five days we went to that gig in winnemucca and uh i asked for a guest set and they didn't know who i was and they said are you a local comic yeah and i said well the bill is full so i couldn't even get a guest set on fucking day after christmas in the middle of nowhere i just i just picture a sad fucking holiday inn lounge empty but like nine people it's called winner's circle you and i even remember the name

it's winner's circle in winnemucca hey people go out you know tomorrow night support live comedy yes tomorrow night evidently the day after christmas is a big comedy night good time for 20 people to show up and stare at a comic i just just picture you and your dog, Henry Phillips, sitting at a table, enjoying the comedy. Oh, Henry had to stay in the room. Oh, that's too bad. Even in Winnemucca, they won't let a dog into comedy. So that was because I outed this kid. And then last night, I made out with his mother as I was putting her into the car in front of him.

I just went to kiss her goodnight. I said, goodnight. And she plunged her tongue into my mouth. And I went, oh, I just made out with his mother in front of him. And he said, don't worry. It's not uncommon. don't worry it's not uncommon so last year you outed him as gay and this year you outed

her as a whore whore is a strong word when I heard the story I mean partyer strong in that I like applaud I immediately asked to be invited to all parties well then I come back to be invited to all parties. She comes.

Well, then I come back to the fire and I go, let's call him Jimmy. I just made out with Jimmy's mom. High five. And bingo. Who had been like, like in on the whole, like goofing around that this friend's mom is flirting with me and showing me body pictures on her cell phone of her cleavage that was that was the first time that's the night i outed him this year she's doing it again i go she's doing again i'm gonna run with this and then like i thought that was yeah tongue kissing her was like the closing bit. And then Bingo turned on me.

And then in the morning, she thought it was hilarious. Then she turned on me again. Then she thought it was hilarious. But yeah, there's a lot of fucking stuff. It was like, it's not like I'm nurturing a relationship. It's like Jimmy's mom's hitting on me. I like that Jimmy doesn't want to come out as gay because she has a political career to worry about. But yet she's showing pictures to you of her cleavage. I shouldn't say Congresswoman.

Well, that's wrong anyway. That's wrong anyway. Don't bleep that out, Chaley. That was a misdirection. Then bleep me out because I fucked it up. It was Sarah Palin. I'll just be honest. Let's just it up. It was Sarah Palin. I'll just be honest. Let's just say.

Actually, it's Sarah Palin. I found a segue in there to the dog fights because Carrie Mitchell, Brett Erickson's gal pal, the fucking woman that makes him tolerable. Is that what it is? Her laugh can make any party come alive. She shows up for Monday Night Football. We begged you to come up just because if she laughs one time, you go, oh, this is a party.

Sadly for her, she hangs out with me. This morning, even you had to leave we had to leave here this morning because that laugh turned into no sit down i just woke up lady i need a drink you don't need a drink sit down and do a whip sit down and do a whippet. You knew that and you suckered me down here to wake them up thinking that they could have me doing whippets? No, no, this is way earlier. You showed up way too late.

I showed up at the right time. I woke up. I slept for like four hours and I woke up at like 8.30 and I came over here after I talked to you. He got Derek to the airport and I went. I didn't think you could possibly be back. And I came down here and you were here. And it was you and Bingo and Mitchell.

Fucked out of your head. Well, you weren't because you had to drive three and a half hours. So you had to take that break with no alcohol. But the ladies were out of their heads cackling they called me on the road and they're to check on me and they're like oh you're still alive this is the best part their fucking phone rings i'm driving by myself right i'm driving by myself the phone rings i pick it up i see it's mitchell i see oh mitchell i'm like hello and she goes oh i didn't expect you to answer well what the fuck did you expect to happen?

Are you hoping I've crashed? I thought it was Jimmy's mom was going to answer. But then I'm like, I'm fucking starving, baby. She's like, I'm going to make you a fucking breakfast. This was the thing. I said, I got to take Derek to Tucson. And that's fine because once I get him at the airport i'm like at least at least i'll be by myself and i can fucking eat like an american i'm just gonna pull into a fast food

place and get a pile of fucking food i'm gonna jam it into my face and that's gonna be the only fucking good thing that happens with driving derek to fucking tucson at 6 a.m which is an hour and 45 minutes each way yeah so i drop him off at the airport, and I'm about to pull into fucking McDonald's, and I realize, oh, fuck, it's Christmas. Fuck Jesus. Fucking morning. God damn it.

Fuck Jesus. They're all closed. Fuck you for making fun of me for not knowing it's Christmas Eve, you dick. You didn't know it was Christmas. I wish I had a fucking stick. Fuck you. I wish there were seven people I could hit with a stick right now. So I'm

fucking starving and the phone rings and I'm like, alright, so yeah, I'm still alive and I'm starving. And Mitchell's like, oh, it's so cute. I'm gonna make you a breakfast burrito. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna be home in fucking 20 minutes. It's gonna be great. And I pull in here and I come running

in and bingo and Mitchell are on the fucking couch, fucking cackling and falling all over each other. Standing on their heads. And I'm like, I made it burrito time. And Mitchell looked at me like, what? Burrito? What? What?

Burrito? You brought us burritos? Well, I had called bingo and said that I had breakfast tacos. I made breakfast tacos. And she's like, no, no, we don't want any food. She didn't ask Mitchell. She just said on your behalf, you don't want food. But I figured, you know, you were right condition you're in. You're probably not hungry.

Heroin chic without the heroin. And so, yeah, I had tacos made for you. Yeah, when I got back and finally found some food, it was fucking fantastic. Let's talk fucking dog whisperer here.

Because the Bretchels, Brett and Carrie Mitchell, the Brechels, we call them, have a fucking stupid dog like I have stupid dogs. But their dog is not an asshole. I have two asshole dogs. My one dog that's harmless seems vicious. He's the one that he's my doorbell. I call him because we have the big gate. If UPS shows up with a box, I know because Ichabod's out there like he's going to tear someone's head off.

The quiet, cute dog is the one that will fucking destroy other dogs. But you never know when. He doesn't go immediately after. The dog's going to be hanging out for days. Nobody's looking. And then all of a sudden, there's a lot of testosterone at football, and Henry starts eating a fucking other dog.

Not enough so that you'd put him down, but after I paid three vet bills, after the third vet bill, I said, okay, if you want vet bill, I said, okay, if you want to bring your dog over, I'd probably be fine for a while. But if shit happens, it's your fault. The second time, Henry. Well, this is the first three dogs before you ever got here.

Yeah. Henry is 48 pounds, I think. He's one in every weight division. He's the Manny Pacquiao with yard dogs. I paid the vet bill of Melissa Holden's dog. Death pool winner. There's still seven days to go. She's the winner.

Yeah. A lot of people would have to die to the point you'd be a suspect. Did you finish in the top ten? No, at 13. I got six. So I'm at six right now. Joby's at fourth. Joby, who has to pick fucking...

Vanilla picks. Yeah. We'll do that. Yeah, it's another podcast. All right. Sorry. Sorry. You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.

You really are a heel And something eel Alright So Henry Phillips The dog, not the comedian Yeah, so Henry Phillips is Torn up dogs from the size of henry also named henry also black melissa holden's dog but weighs like eight pounds little fucking started going i'm like what a dick and then floyd's dog who's three times the size of henry vet bill uh so after that i'm like you can bring your dog in but henry might

eat your dog you like it's not henry doesn't rush your dog doesn't bum rush your dog i want to fight just just sits around sheepish with king kong eyes and then one time... Yeah, well, Mitchell describes it the best way. She describes Henry as Omar from The Wire. Like, you know, you see Omar, you're like, oh, he, you know, doesn't look that fucking scary, but Omar coming, y'all. Fucking...

I think it was earlier in this year. Should we do a recap of 2014? No, because I don't remember it. But I remember one story was where one football player said that thug was just another way to use the N word. The N word is nigger, but he said the N word. So to quote him accurately, he said thug. That's just an Omar from the wire is just another way of calling my

dog a nigger. So fuck you. Your dog is a nigger. You wouldn't cross the street to get away from my dog. If I was a dog, I would. Henry's like a sheepish little timid seeming and so you will come and you're staying here for a couple months yeah on your way to la and we well we show up the first night and we're in the fun house and it's football night i'm on the road you're in australia so we show up but there's

of course a bunch of people here watching football. It's a big party. My Chicago Bears are dominating the Green Bay Packers as they normally do in a football game. And that was cool. Legendarily. Legendarily. So there's a lot going on. And Henry's cool.

And Rooney is fine. Ichabod's fine. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere henry is fucking attacking rooney and like it would when henry attacks she just rooney is a full pit that's a fucking strong-ass pit you if if it were ufc i don't want to like i don't like violence or dog violence. But if they were consensual in an octagon and you saw them, you're going, oh, fucking Rooney's got this fucking down. I like violence in any form. And I would bet on Rooney any day if you were to put the two together just based on looks.

I'm trying to find. I kind of want to bring my dog over now. I feel like this is a challenge. I wish I saw Michael Vick got started. I think I can win. I'm not sure if that's a thing, but I think I can win this conversation. I wish I had an analogy for what the fighter Henry Phillips looks like because Rooney looks like Tyson.

Yeah. Henry Phillips looks like me. Rooney looks like Tyson. Yeah. Henry Phillips looks like me. Castle Rock Kenny. Me. A slump-shouldered. Smokes too much. Looks at his shoelaces when it walks. So I'm away. Yeah, yeah so uh out of the out of the blue i hear from chaley oh there was an

incident with the dogs so yeah so henry just for a few henry attacks rooney but it's not like a dog fight where like oh they're scrapping henry just locks on like she attacks, she goes for the throat, and she clamps down, and then she stays clamped down. So we're trying to pull the dogs apart. It's a big, fucking scary, crazy scene. My girlfriend's crying. The dog is crying. And yeah, it was not cool.

Every time there's been a dog fight with Henry, it's always a girl that overreacts. And the vet bills I paid were vet bills where they said, it's going to heal itself. Dog wounds open up really big. Because it's like ball sack skin. doesn't contract i know you lost me wait my ball sack skin's never opened up really big no no if you've had a wound on it i've had no i had an ingrown hair on my ball ball sack oh yeah wound it opened up and it

was like a band name by the way i don't know if balzac is really a french philosopher every fucking vet the dog has been brought to by a chick and that was overreacting, and the doctor always said, just like Rooney, they go, yeah, just here's some antibiotics. After the first time, yes. You should have just left that alone. It would have saved you a lot of money. After the first time, we didn't go to the vet after that attack. That was just a, oh, you know, Henry, that was fine. So then you're still in Australia.

We're here at the house. Greg and Tracy are in the other other house we do this whole thing we're like well let's introduce the dog shaley is greg very very caesar caesar milani sort of way dog whisper yeah we're gonna we're gonna integrate that we walk them together we control the situation every day we we have them together a little bit more we get to the point after three fucking weeks of having Henry Phillips actually hanging out with Rooney here at the house off the leash. Sleeping together. Sleeping together on the couch curled up like fucking just the best buddies ever. And Mitchell and I are high-fiving each other for the way we've handled this.

This is – we've actually done it. We've done it the right way. Socialize the dog. They're friends now. And thenoug and bingo if i could walk with the animals talk with the animals so dr doolittle so we get home from the road and the fucking dogs all party and we show up and we start drinking and then within an hour i don't know yeah again out of out of nowhere all of a sudden there is an incident and uh henry attacks rooney again and this time really locks on like we i think it's probably 10 seconds we were trying to pull

them apart well this is this is where and and d, I didn't see him do it. But, and I always want to think they're lying, but he stuck his finger in Henry's asshole because he heard that breaks up a fight. I don't know where he heard that, and I don't know if that's true, but it seems like it would work. I don't know why you would that, and I don't know if that's true, but it seems like it would work. I don't know why you would think Derek's lying about that. First of all, there was at least five people there during this.

This was on the patio, and a bunch of us drinking. So I would hesitate. I just watched a JFK conspiracy theory where they're saying a a secret service guy from the car behind them is the guy who actually shot him and like all right you think someone would notice a guy with a rifle and a convertible behind the president shoot so that's why i trust that derrick actually did stick his finger in henry's ass to get him to fucking unlock because he heard that because he kept talking about uh i just had to go wash off my finger because i started getting your dog's ass to break up a fight i didn't see it but there's at least five people so you'd have a lot of balls to come in and

tell that lie if it was a lie yeah because what if i said no you did it i stuck my finger in henry's ass i've seen henry being really friendly with derrick for the last couple of days too so i believe it i i don't know so that that drew some blood. And you went to the vet and they go, oh, you shouldn't have even come here. You're Carrie Mitchell. As much as she has an infectious laugh, is an overreactor. Well, I will say this. When we were at the vet and we explained to them what happened, they said, oh, Henry Phillips? We're like, yep.

We'll take you to the Henry Phillips room. You know, I will say that I brought my dog over here when she was just a puppy and I never had any problems with the differences because I watched my fucking dog the whole time that's you

so it's my fault so now I'm the girl who got raped who was wearing a short skirt I'm just saying I didn't have an incident. I watched my dog. I didn't have any fun. I didn't get to party, you know, watch football. I watched my dog, too, get brutally attacked.

Yeah, buy a fucking dog half its size. Why don't you raise a fucking dog like a man? That was my point. Your dog's kind of a puss. I didn't want to say it. No, my dogs are wicked dicks, and there's nothing you can do about it. I like it. It keeps fucking Ichabod, the loud and harmless one.

Yeah, that keeps fucking tweakers away from my property. If you're fucking looking around for copper wire, you're going to avoid the one where that fucking vicious, no one knows what kind of dog it is. Yeah. It's a mix of every kind of dog, but it looks like it will fucking tear your fucking shins off, and the other dog looks like you can pet him, but he'll fucking rip your dog's throat out. Yeah, the only animal here that doesn't take any shit from Henry Phillips

is your cat, Meatwig. Meatwig rules the room. Meatwig fucking tear Henry apart. He's like the $6 million man. He's a $3,500 cat. And I'm like a lot of people. You go, just put it down. You don't fucking spend $3,500 on a cat.

But I'm guessing hit by a car. I found him sitting here at your house outside. And I'm like, hey, Meatwig, come over. And he couldn't move because his hip was busted. And so I brought him to that shitty vet here in town. We tried to do some weird operation that didn't stick. And he was in this weird like

what do you call that the fucking not tape you put around the fucking you have a bad elbow a sling ace bandage ace bandage thank you we have a winner okay no more callers the Doug Stano podcast brought to you by ace bandage. Ace bandage. Thank you. Fuck, we have a winner. Okay, no more callers.

The Doug Stanhope Podcast brought to you by Ace Bandage. Ace Bandage and shitty vets. Ace Bandage, wrap your cat. So like a cat is going to not break out of a fucking ace bandage that's holding its hip bone in place. And then I had to go on the road. So fucking Reverend Derek brings it to Tucson. He has a fucking major surgery, like $3,500. That cat's worth it.

That is a fucking badass cat. I'm fucking laughing at you. You have to sell a lot of DVDs on the road. That's ridiculous. I love Meatwig, but that's fucking ridiculous. My cat is 15 years old and all of a sudden started pissing on the dog beds and i told my wife i'll take that motherfucker out and shoot it in the head i don't want to put up with that kind of shit well you don't have 3500 well that's that was what i that was what i was going to tell you

earlier is the difference between that is if you have $3,500. Because I've killed a lot of animals that I didn't want to because I didn't have enough money to fix them. I watched my dad die, and I helped my mother die, and I've only cried really hard having to put a pet down. Parvo, a puppy, a long time ago. That's a weird name for a puppy. It survived Parvo and died of distemper.

We named it Parvo after it survived Parvo, and then it died of distemper. I'm like, Jesus, you're jinxed every week. Lucky. Lucky, lucky, lucky dog. So that's our Christmas podcast. I hope so. Oh, is it 9 o'clock yet?

I hope my family doesn't. I don't really have a family, but I do have a bet. My Uncle Fuzzy, who was a fucking great guy when I knew him, and we actually got back to Massachusetts and bingo got to meet him. My brother said, we should go over and see them. And I'm like, they're like wicked old people. I don't have nothing to say. They're going to make me feel guilty for being a smoker and a drinker.

It always smells weird in their house. They're nice people. But we did go by and i'm all that there's a bare naked lady song uh pinch me that makes me think it's i i won't remove it from my ipod and i'm never embarrassed when it comes up in a fucking party because it makes me think of my childhood days going to their above ground pool. And we went by and they happened to be there. Uncle Fuzzy was in the hospital and Auntie Bev was there. And we went to the hospital to see Uncle Fuzzy and then went back to the house.

And it was fucking beautiful. And now Uncle Fuzzy is going to die. They canceled Christmas back. This is my brother's problem. And now Uncle Fuzzy is going to die. They canceled Christmas back. This is my brother's problem. We separated family members early on. Early on. You drew Uncle Fuzzy. Well, that's dad's side of the family.

Mother's side of the family was mother. It's the only child. Parents are dead. There's no one. And I get along better with mother and dad and Jeff were close together. I go when it comes time to when they're going to die, you get that. I get mom and dad died. And I hope I haven't told this a million times on the podcast, but.

My brother would call me. Dad died in 2001. He had colon cancer and Jeff would call me up, my brother, and me dad died in 2001 he had colon cancer and dad uh jeff would call me up my brother and he'd go i just had to wipe dad's ass and we go i don't want to hear about it just we had a deal click call me up i just had to pick up dad's dick and put it in a bedpan. All right, you get the house. Stop fucking calling me. Oh, yeah, well, I had to put my cat's hip into an ace bandage. No, Derek, I have people to do that now.

Not only do I have $3,500 for the cats, I can pay Derek 50 bucks to fucking take care of it when I'm on the road I don't want to deal with that if I had to deal with that maybe Meatwig wouldn't be around because I'm not I'm sketchy about that shit but yeah

my mother my mother died is like alright hey Jeff it's going to happen now here say goodbye a lot of pills are going down her head

don't have to pick up her dick and put it in a bedpan. Got Nurse Betty to change her Foley bag. What was my point? There's something about this being almost nine o'clock. Oh, Uncle Fuzzy, thank you. Thank you very much.

What a big attention. Yeah, so Uncle Fuzzy is evidently on his eighth day of no food and just IV. So they canceled there. That's the last of the family in Massachusetts. Dad's side, Jeff's side. And and so we I have a bet that he will die on Christmas. So at 9 o'clock, I'll find out if Uncle Fuzzy is dead.

9 o'clock. Oh, no, 10 o'clock our time. Yeah. So, yeah, by midnight. So I have 20 bucks with my brother and Kenny that Uncle Fuzzy will be dead. He's not famous. You can't bet him in the death pool. But you can bet personally on anyone.

Floyd, I think he lives at least three more years. Ass cancer. Personal insight. So, yeah. Hey, say a prayer for Uncle Fuzzy. So when he dies before midnight, you realize prayers don't mean anything. And I win 40 bucks. That's the podcast.

Chad Shank at HD Fatty. Brett Erickson at Brett Erickson with a CK 68. That's it. At Brett Erickson CK and you have a, do you have your website up yet? Yeah, bretterickson

comedy.com. There you go. With a CK. I'm a real comedian now. I'm going to have to check that out. Don't go there. There's nothing there. I've been too busy running the Stanhope store,

which is live, everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get some shit. All right. Well, thank you, everyone. Merry Christmas. Kerry Mitchell for sleeping through the and texting through the whole thing rooney for taking the uh the abuse from my my dog and your

scars uh brad's wife kelly who ran the ebook ebay ebay ebay yard sale we're're going to do another eBay yard sale when I need money desperately. I'll be like, I don't mind being a Corey. Once the cat gets hit by another car, we'll start selling. Brad, Uphill, Dave, and Kim. What's your name? What's that? Lucy what? Lucy and Gil?

Oh, Gil is your husband. Lucy and Gil? Oh, Gil is your husband. Lucy and Gil. I just met you for the first time, right? Anyone else here? All right. Merry Christmas. Merry shit-faced Christmas, faggots. Now, hey, Chaley, open this with a different Mishka song

and close it with Funeral Party by the Mattoid. Mishka Shibali, at Mishka Shibali and the Mattoid. I don't even know if they have Twitter in the campsite he lives in in Finland. I don't know. I have to catch up with him. But find the Mattoid

and Mishka Shabali and buy their records and do that for Christmas. Bye. Oh, dude, I didn't hit the. One, two, three, seven, yeah. 1, 2, 3, 7, yeah! Right on, baby! The priest is here And the casket is ready

Her body inside Looks nice and steady. Let's play it for the man, for the last time, play it for the man. Farewell. Play it for the man, for the last time, play it for the man praise the Lord Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying We all got the groove Let's play it for the man For the last time, play it for the man Farewell

Play it for the man For the last time, play blade for the man For the last time, blade for the man Praise the Lord and the Lord We've got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Hit the funeral button, yeah! Oh, my! Everybody, cry! Yeah.

Praise the Lord. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.