The F Plus - 1: Tell Me What Adonis Did

Episode Date: October 2, 2009

For the pilot, our readers tackle notes from an alternative high school in the midwest.

My husband is having an affair with your wife. I don't think we should talk about it. Does your pet kill them? Oh man! Oh god! Oh man! Oh god! Oh man! Oh god! Oh man! Oh god! Oh man! Oh god! Hey there! Welcome to the F Plus Podcast. My name's Levin. And I'm John. And the concept of this podcast is essentially to have things that are terribly written, read with enthusiasm. Right.

Makes sense. But that's our concept. What we did this week is sort of a special thing. My wife's um uh father worked as a principal um and in one of those kind of like bad kid kind of schools um right like troubled youths kind of right right exactly so it was one of those things where you know the teacher goes go to the principal's office you know he's he's who they're going to see right and what happened was um when he when they went there he made them all write essays about what they did uh why they did it um we actually don't have too many of the essays this time that's going to be a separate podcast but i like the stuff from the teachers because the teachers as the voice of authority like they're

failing in that uh it was really fun to read. And them just kind of being entirely out of their element and not really knowing what they're doing. I mean, the one voice I did in particular, we had somebody who was reading a teacher called Terry. Her name was Terry. But I had to fill in because we weren't able to get them on Skype. And you can gradually see her break down. She's not writing in cuss words. Finally, she just writes

them out in full. And you can see, there's one point a student's just blatantly going against her authority, and you can tell she's powerless. That's a kind of encouraging positive thing we're talking about. Yeah, a nice look

into the American school system. Right. Great debaters, but without any success. Oh, and by the way, when we were doing it in Skype, Lemon was referring to me as my screen name, French Toast, so it's John, it's me talking, but you'll hear me referred to as French Toast.

So first thing here, we're just going to get a smattering of various different teacher reports. Just things that stood out in my package of – sorry, stood out in my package. Things that stood out that I thought were funny. So we're just going to go through a couple of those right now. Right.

Oh, quick note here about anonymity. This is a thing dealing with students, kind of a sensitive topic. So there aren't an actual, there's no actual real names in this. If you're hearing, if you're hearing a last name, it's probably a fake last name. So joining us on this podcast this week, we have our four readers. We have Bump Girl playing the part of Miss British Name. Bump Girl, say hello. Hello.

I'm apparently supposed to say hello. We have French Toast playing the part of Terry. Hello. That's Terry right there. We have Acer Ockle Ockle Dockle playing various children, mostly. I am not a child. You need to work on that pronunciation a little bit. And then we have Bunnybread,

who is largely in the role of the voice of authority. Yes, thank you, but that's pronounced Bunny-ock-a-lottle, so it's not good, right? And random hangers on in our group include Frank West. Hello. Isfahan. I'm going to do my best to listen to this whole thing. And Hazy Conspiracy, who doesn't

have a microphone at the moment, so I think I'm going to pretend like he sounds like this! He sounds like static. During the first hour break, I went out to the RVC break area to discover Josie about to use their vending machines. I reminded her that we were not to be in their area and that she't go back into our break area, that I'd have to tell both Mr. McCullen and Mr. Sweeney that she left our school area. She went ahead and used the vending machine and strutted past me towards the entrance by the office. Due to a meeting in the office, I would not get the opportunity to discuss this matter until the next break.

On return from break, she decided to bring both the chips she purchased from the RVC machine and a bottle of Mountain Dew to my classroom. I told her she would have to finish the items before entering class. She entered class and set up the bottle of Mountain Dew on her desk. When I asked her to put it away, she opened it up and took a sip of it. I repeated my quest for her to place the Mountain Dew in her purse, a jacket pocket, or on the desk outside. When she put it underneath the desk, I told her that it was not a suitable place to put it away. When she asked why, I told her it was in plain view under her desk. She asked as if she didn't get the last part, so I repeated the

desk, to which she replied, no fucking duh. I asked her to repeat what she'd said, and again it was, no fucking duh. At this point, I was trying to get the class into assignment, and I told her that this was unacceptable, and I sent her out of the room for her

direct opposition to established class rules. I've made mention to her in previous classes that we were not to be outside of her classroom break office area. Both Barb and Carol Ann have had to talk to her in the past for leaving my area. She knew full well she was breaking the rules by being in the RVC area. She knew she was breaking the rules by using their vending machine. She knew she was breaking the rules by being in the RVC area. She knew she was breaking the rules by using their vending machine. She knew she was breaking the rules by sipping her Mountain Dew in class.

She knew she was breaking the rules by using the F-word. A formal auction needs to be taken. Report from Ken Washington on 5th hour, February 10th in the year of our Lord, 2000 A.D. Tony's behavior was again unacceptable in class. He started class late and then began talking with another student.

I asked him several times to be quiet, and he would quit talking for a short moment. He later began to crumple up a piece of scratch paper. The sound disrupted class and lost the focus of everyone's attention. Then he threw the paper at the trash can and missed. He walked in front of the class to throw it away. Again, the class was

distracted by his actions. But I stopped teaching until he was done. After sitting down, he began to crumple small pieces of paper and throw them in class. When I went home, I found small pieces of paper and throw them in class. When I went home, I found small pieces of paper in my pocket, evidence that he was throwing them at myself. Lieutenant Warford, the small pieces of paper were torn.

I saw Tony with an empty pen barrel. It appeared that he was making spitballs. Minutes after putting the pen away, he crumpled another sheet of paper. He again walked to the garbage can, cleared his throat, and spit into the garbage can. He was removed from class and

sent to the office. He did not go immediately. Rather, he sat outside the room and talked with another student. B.S. immediately. Rather, he sat outside the room and talked with another student. BF. Melvin. September 21st. Third hour in class. Melvin was asked to leave last

year because of language. Today, in 30 seconds, I heard two mother F and one God D it. So I sent him out of the room. It is always directed towards Adonis with Tariq encouraging Melvin with negative comments towards Adonis.

September 22nd, year 2000. Third hour. Class. Melvin. Asked to leave. Number one. One stop eating. Number two. Couldn't stop talking about butt licking. Once you're on the topic, it's hard to get away. We've all been there.

And that is the case file of Melvin. It's true. When I start talking about butt licking, I have a hard time stopping. Yeah, to get back on the butt licking thing. I kind of feel like we lost track of what this is about now. Back to butt licking. I like that he talks about butt licking while he's eating. Well, you know, if you've had the cafeteria food, it's not that far off from butt licking.

Man, this tastes a lot better than that butt I licked the other day. I mean, it's a philosophical. This is definitely superior. French fries and analingus. Well, what do you dip your fries in? Crustard is the nastiest. This McDonald's marketing meeting is over. Once more, we've accomplished nothing.

Melvin, October 2nd, third class. Melvin slept the entire period. October 2nd, fourth hour, class. Melvin asked to go to restroom I told him no But he walked out anyway He has not accomplished anything Melvin told me he was leaving

And walked Out of class About 11.05 And if that made no sense whatsoever That's because there was a cat in front of the screen At the same time I just thought it was a badly written note Yeah, I thought the same time. I just thought it was a badly written note. Yeah, I thought it was really shitty.

Oh, it also was a badly written note. He did ask to go to a restroom. He asked to go to a restroom. He not accomplished a thing. He said he whacked out of class. He was whacking class. January 27th, 1999. Mike and Adam were seen rolling dice on the floor of the men's bathroom during first break.

They picked up the dice but did not exit the bathroom. When I returned to the bathroom, the two of them were rolling dice on the floor. Mike had a few single dollar bills in his hand. I asked for the die, but Mike said things were cool. I asked for them again, or told Mike to give the dice to Mr. Sweeney. Mike claimed to have thrown them in the garbage can.

I could not see them in the can. Yay. That's some ace detective work that's the shit where it doesn't matter I've met this guy before said things were cool they didn't feel too cool to me

there were quotes around cool he said things were cool and you totally couldn't see it but I was doing little finger quotes as well. I felt it. I felt it. Things were cool when I ascertained that they were actually lame. I love the formality of the teachers conflicting with the students here. It's pretty awesome. Todd Ryan, 9 a.m., October 17, 2000. Todd Ryan, 9am October 17th

2000 After a discussion of why Todd had to work in my joining room, I told him he was expected to work when he came to school I told him to go into the room and get his work completed. He replied with You don't want to mess with me today

and informed Marilyn about the information. Sincerely, Michael W. Fitzgerald. October 27th, 2000. Sixth period, class. Alberts. Alberts insisted on reading the newspaper

during work time and made a big deal about the ladies in the Kohl's ad who were only wearing underwear. So when it came time to check our work, I wheeled the table into the hall and asked him to bring a chair. He knocked over his chair and grabbed a different one.

When out in the hall, he wadded up his paper and said, you can't make me do this effing work. I said, fine, go to the office. I don't think he went to the office. Holy shit. Rocket scientist teachers over there. Student named Marcus.

September 29th, time 1045. After being asked to sit down, I was told, I am not listening to you. He was asked to leave my classroom. Signed, Mrs. British name. Lipshot, follow up. Mrs. British name refuses to have him return to her class. D, the principal. Yeah, she's harsh.

You don't listen to her. You can't ever come to class again. Damn. So the kid was like excommunicated? Yeah, I believe so. Excommunicated from her class. Now he'll never learn. Pope British name.

Three days previously, we had Marcus. September 26th. Language, argumentative, and some words were very inappropriate. Oh, Marcus. Hey, teacher. Hey, teacher. Butt-licking. Well, maybe he was going on about the Democrats during the Republican convention. That would be inappropriate.

Josh. October 2nd, 2000. Third period. Class. Josh was eating in class. He put it away, but then got it out again. I told him to go to the office. I heard the F word plus others four times on his way out of the door.

He never went to the office. Stayed in the break area. Terry. I like the idea that Terry, like, watches them leave. And then just goes, oh, that kid. She's got a clicker under the desk. And he was just walking really slow. Any others?

I've got one about Adam here. Excellent. April 12, 2000. Adam was asked to limit his conversation to the math practice test he was working on with another student. He responded by using the F word and justifying his discussion because he was working. His classroom behavior was uncalled for, inappropriate, and unacceptable. Signed, Mrs. British Name.

She is a hard ass. She is a hard ass. She really is. You can't even say fuck during math. I mean, that's where it's necessary. Exactly. David. September 1st, 2000. Third period. Class.

Everyone is quiet and working when David blurts out, Adonis eats tampons. September 8th 2000 3rd period class David went to leave before class was over I said David sit down He said my mama don't talk to me like that

Fuck His jewelry is totally appropriate Terry September 8th 2000 4th period class David was told to work and be quiet

He stated I don't fucking care about the GED class Inappropriate language You know if you want to break a, I think Adonis eats tampons will really do it. See, but I want to point out something in particular here. Terry has always been saying the F word or GD it. And finally, at the end of that one, she just writes out, fuck. She's totally reached her limit.

Yeah, she's broken. And then the next one is done by Miss Tolleson So somebody else had to The way you read it it sounds like she was saying it Instead of him Yeah That's the way it's written it seems like But she writes it out in full in any case

Fuck Fuck So, as I said, we're going to be doing a different podcast down the road at some point, hopefully, about the actual kids' letters that we've amassed. But we do have a very select couple. And, you know, there's only two of them. But personally, I feel their quality. So we're just going to let you listen to those right now. Right, I would definitely agree.

The amusing part of this note is that it's written on paper with letterhead, Growth in the Future. Interesting. Mr. M., I regret to tell you this, but I cannot go to Ms. Warden's class. I can't concentrate in there, and she doesn't try to help the students. When we ask a question, we get our heads bitten off. When she makes a mistake and is confronted by it,

she makes an excuse. I would rather have Mr. Barbell twice a day again this year. Mike. Alan. What I need to do to succeed. I need to stay in school and do my work. Also, I need to do to succeed. I need to stay in school and do my work. Also, I need to stay at work and pay attention in class.

To stay in school is the only way I'm going to get a good paying job. The most important thing for me to do is do my work so I can succeed in class and life. My life is not going anywhere unless I get through school and get a good job. To be a successful person, I must be the best I can be. But if I'm not,

all I can do is try my best at what I'm doing. Most of the time, I just sleep because school is too complicated for me to understand. I just can't get the stuff through

my head. It just goes in one ear and out the other. I don't know way it dose. That's what I need to do to sex ed in life and school. I feel like someone's going to have a hard time succeeding.

Was he voted most likely to succeed? our next section is another section of teacher notes but they're all specifically about one child and the child has the really sort of strange name is a of adonis i i don't i don't know how you have a either yeah yeah it's egyptian or greek but it's like the god of beauty or something exactly i don't you know that's i mean was the baby very muscular

and you went like wow look at that baby's six-pack. Maybe it's aspirational is what I think the idea is. Okay, okay. But the thing is, from what we're going to read, I don't know if he physically may have lived up to the name, but otherwise that's up to debate. Yeah, he had some lady issues, Adonis did. Right. It's interesting because, I mean, at some points you can see he's saying he's reformed and then he's back and forth.

There seemed to be a lot of work put into rehabilitating or bringing him back and so much of it didn't seem to take. And there was a lot of interest in Adonis, I've noticed. It was the name that constantly came up in the packet and your character specifically, Terry.

Terry really, really was up in Adonis' business. Right. So yeah, we're just going to give you the pack of the Adonis material. And enjoy. Enjoy. The Probation Office has requested information regarding Adonis' behavior, effort, and attitude. Especially important is any information regarding recent improvements, as he has told the pre-sentencing officer that he has found the Lord in his attitude towards school.

Please have this information turned into bar by Friday, November 19th before you leave. Grades are not that important, unless there has been significant improvements since the quarter grade, The next day, Mrs. British name responds, But he is paying better attention during presentation. Behavior has shown some improvement. He still gets distracted easily and loves to talk. But he is paying better attention during presentation. Hopefully his next test will produce a passing score. The homework effort is a major concern. Mrs. British name. Adonis still has difficulty controlling his personal agenda, so he can focus on his schoolwork.

He still has a hard time getting to class on time. Assignments he wanted to take home to finish have not been returned. For two days this week, he copied poems out of a chicken soup book. I was so happy to see him interested in a book that I let him be, even though that wasn't the lesson. I've heard him say that he has found the Lord, but I haven't noticed any changes. Terry. Please be advised that Mr. Adrian's religious conversion has had a dramatic impact,

not only upon his classroom performance, but his personal behavior and hygiene as well. During a break time yesterday, I was handed a note from a female student that requested me to talk with Adonis concerning sexual noises being made by Adonis and directed towards this student. In the note, the student informs me this started at the beginning of the semester,

but stopped for a while and has recently started again. This is clearly a case of sexual harassment and will be handled accordingly. Adonis was brought into my office by myself at the end of the fifth period yesterday, and we discussed the situation. He acknowledged, knowing who the student making the complaint would be, Adonis was informed that any future occurrence of sexual harassment

will result in suspension from school for a period of three days. A second occurrence will result in termination of enrollment. This note also sheds light on some behavior we have noticed lately. On November 8, 1999, Adonis was making references to Little Peter while pointing to his pants in a class that both he and the complaining student are enrolled. A few days earlier, Adonis was observed licking the viewport glass of a classroom that the complaining student was attending. There's your ending.

I think Adonis took a seduction community class. um the last the last part i want to share with you is that um uh my wife's father when he when he sent um when he sent the packet to me um there was there was an extra thing that came in there. And it was a handwritten letter that his mother forced him to write when he was 13 as punishment for some sort of, I don't know, it was vandalism, I believe. And I guess that's where he got the idea of taking troublemaker kids and having them write a letter as punishment. But he sent the letter, and there's a special envelope that the letter came in, which is going to be read right after the letter. I just like the juxtaposition.

And that's how he found it when he was looking through his mother's stuff and found the letter inside of this envelope. The letter is being read by my wife, sort of appropriately enough. So let's do that. What a 13-year-old boy should and should not do and why. should and should not do and why. A 13-year-old boy should be considerate of others, should not trespass on other people's property,

and should not break the law. Because if I am not considerate to others, people will not like you, and people will not think you are polite. You should not trespass on other people's property. Because first of all, it is against the law. And second, is that if you break something or damage the yard, you will get in a lot of trouble.

And if something is stolen and someone sees you around there, you will be responsible. I should not break the law, because if I did, my family would suffer as much as I would. I would be the one to suffer the most, because I would have a record at the police station. And when I get in trouble, there would be a police car at our house, and there would be people around talking about you, and people would be getting the wrong impression about you.

Then no one would trust me, and I would not be able to get a job working around the yard for anyone. People would say, look at that boy. He's the one who got in trouble with the police. Sure would not like to have my boy turn out to be like him. Your parents would suffer, because people would think that they are bringing you up right. People would think that it is your mom and dad's fault because they had not been treating you right.

If you broke the law, no one in the block would forget that a police car came up to your door and got you. And that's it. The police car killed him? got you. And that's it. We got you. The police car killed him. Got you. He's all over the place with the tense or the pronouns. I couldn't tell if it was about me.

I don't know. I just like the part where he's kind of butting it up. And it would be blamed on my parents who are really good parents and who treated me great. And it would be blamed on my parents, who are really good parents and who treated me great. And it would make my parents look bad, who are making me write this thing. And I hope that my parents, who are making me write this thing, really, truly

believe that I am completely contrite and will not trespass on Sam's property again. Exactly. And he never did anything bad again. And to that end, Bunny Bread's got the envelope that it came in. Oh, okay. So I'm supposed to read off the whole shebang? I mean, there's a lot of

names here, so I can skip a lot. Well, yeah, skip the names, but yeah. Dear Mr. and Mrs. M, we've received a report from the police indicating that your son Daniel has been involved in the use of drugs. Please arrange for a parent to bring him to the juvenile court office on August 16th at 10 a.m. to see Mr. Sanchez.

Please ring the bell to be admitted to the building. Sincerely yours, Goldie Flenderson, Chief Probation Officer. This is Goldie Flenderson. Excuse me. I'm married. I'm married. So that's the end of our podcast today. John, what do you think you learned today from all this?

I learned that you can talk about eating and butt-licking at the same time. I just learned just seeing things from both the student side and the teacher side just having two sorts of people in conflict kind of shoved together to try and help each other out. It's a really interesting situation and it also leads to a lot of vulgarity and a lot of funny things about tampons being written. So it's all really great.

I learned that teachers are much worse writers than I assumed they'd be. Yeah, it's doctor's handwriting all over. Well, it's not just the handwriting. I mean, you go through, like, six years of college, and you can't seem to put together a sentence. I find that strange. I don't know.

I kind of gave him a little. We attributed that to stress. Okay. Just because, you know, banging out this, he talked about tampons in class. Get it out there. We hope you enjoyed This broadcast I want you to please visit our website

At thefplus That's thefplus.us And also I want to give A very hearty and wonderful Thanks to Mr. Boots Reingear Who's not talking because he's been Recording for This entire duration.

And we'll be editing this, and I want to thank him very much for that. Yeah, he's done us a real solid because me and Lemon here were talking about who's going to edit, who's going to do this, this, and that, and I was going to switch off. So having one person edit, record, do all that is really, really cool. So that's really helpful. Plus we would make it sound badly. Exactly. So yeah, that's all we have

for this week. Please do visit the website and give us submissions. We need terrible writing. The specific things that we're looking for are up on the site. That's thefpl.us. My name's Lemon. I'm John. And thank you. We'll see you next time. Thanks for listening.