The F Plus - 104: Your Universe Is My Universe's Therapist
Episode Date: June 28, 2013Any wise man must know that there is much to the universe that he does not know. But the wiser man makes up a bunch of crap about other universes and then sells that crap to suckers for two hundr...ed bucks a pop. On a completely related note, Burt Goldman wants to welcome you to Quantum Jumping. What is Quantum Jumping? That's privileged information, I'm gonna need your bank account information first. But while we're waiting for this transaction to process, how about I read some testimonials? This week, Isfahan will not hesitate to shoot his doppelganger.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
I don't know what to do with all this dog porn.
Lord, no.
It's information.
Thanks, Scott.
Stay away from that universe. Holy shit. Well, hi there! This is the F-Plus Podcast, Terrible Things, Red Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon.
And I'm Isfahan.
Isfahan, what have you been up to this week?
Oh, well, I've gotten into meditation recently.
Really?
Okay, that doesn't necessarily seem like you, but sure, okay.
Well, you know, I'm trying to broaden my horizons, you know.
You find a sense of peace?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I've got a lot of violent, angry, vengeful thoughts in my head, but meditation
helps me calm down.
Sure, okay.
It's really nice.
So what's your ritual?
Well, now I'm just a beginner. I don't know if there's advanced meditation really nice. So what's your ritual? Well,
now I'm just a beginner. I don't know if there's advanced meditation or what. So you're the silver level.
Yeah. So you paid $97
for the initial
meditation? No.
Meditation doesn't cost anything. You just go into a
dark room and sit your ass down and think
about stuff, right? That's meditation. Yeah, bad meditation
doesn't cost anything. Do you want to meditate
badly, or do you want to be a winner? No.
I want to meditate the shit out of things.
Exactly, you want to meditate the shit out of things.
Look, I need to introduce you
to Quantum Jumping.
It is a program
spoken about by people
with dramatic hand gestures.
Because people who talk to you
about changing your life while using dramatic
hand gestures are never full of bullshit.
Yeah.
So what quantum jumping is,
is it's a thing with stuff, and your life gets better.
Oh, well, I do want my life to be better.
I guess we all do.
Right.
But apparently it costs money.
It does cost money.
Bert Goldman, the inventor of this revolutionary program,
he invented a thing, and there's stuff,
and you'll learn about your soul,
and maybe you'll travel dimensions, I'm not certain.
Well, I'm not sure if I'm soul, but you did say soul and dimension,
so I must know what he's talking about.
Exactly, yes.
So we're going to start you out at the $197 rates.
Thank you.
No, I'll just debit your card right now.
That sounds reasonable.
All right, and then let's get started.
Readers, assemble!
In the room tonight, we have Isfahan.
Peter closed his floor waxing shop to come in with Sarah,
and Sarah hasn't cleaned a house in a year, all thanks to quantum jumping.
Stog!
Immediately, I saw myself as a big fat cow among other cows of various colors,
thanks to quantum jumping.
Portex! Thanks to quantum jumping. Portex.
Thanks to quantum jumping, I learned how to pull a dude's head off and devour it whole like a
snake.
Bootsringer. Ever since I
started practicing quantum jumping, I
haven't lost a thumb war. And
Lemon. I first thought that the box
was getting too full, and then I laughed, and I
realized, my godbox is endless.
Thanks to quantum jumping.
Thanks to quantum jumping I guess.
Awesome.
Okay so
this is quantum Jumping.
On the homepage, which we actually probably won't be looking at,
but on the homepage is there's an old guy,
and then there's some people that are at a seminar
because they're bland and stupid and gullible,
and then there's a bunch of stock photography.
So we're all set.
So is the internet.
Right. They have great customer support.
Yay!
Yeah, our customer support people
are these people. Absolutely.
It was a picture of Einstein,
but nothing quoting him for no reason.
That's weird.
Einstein would be behind this, I think.
Einstein used the word quantum before.
As a woman running in space.
So the homepage tells us nothing.
So we're going to have to
go straight to the
products fact.
Isfahan, if you will
start us off here to the hopeful dreamer.
A letter to the hopeful dreamer.
Certainly.
To the hopeful dreamer. Remember letter to the hopeful dreamer. Certainly. To the hopeful dreamer,
remember all those dreams you had back when you
were a child. Nope.
At some point in your life, you may have wanted to
be an astronaut. No, that sounds scary.
Or a world-class athlete. That sounds scary.
Or an adventurer.
That sounds like too much work.
How do you file that on your
taxes? Well, I don't know. Any do you file that on your taxes?
I don't know.
Any golden idols you get on your adventures.
I heard they tax the shit out of you for that.
The ones that don't belong in a museum.
Right.
Because that's a write-off then. Anyway.
Maybe you dreamt of changing the world or becoming so rich and successful that you had a mansion in every country and your own fleet of private jets?
What happened to all those dreams?
I mean, am I right, folks, or am I right?
Anyway.
Who's going to be in all these other private jets?
Like, I have a whole fleet of them.
And I ride in one of them.
Yeah.
The others you ran out, I guess.
Yeah, I keep crashing them.
You don't want to use the same private jet twice in a row.
I mean, come on now.
All your rich friends will totally judge you.
Are you only in the top 500 of Forbes?
Ooh.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what.
Okay.
As you grew older, you were forced to start living in the real world.
Boo.
An MTV show?
There's no dragons out here.
Your parents told you to be realistic and get a good job.
Bills and responsibilities started pouring in, and before you knew it, your childhood dreams had vanished into thin air.
Boo!
What can we do about it?
Well, imagine for a second that somewhere out there, there is a version of you who is able to turn all those dreams into reality.
Oh, okay.
Not you, because you're a fucking lost cause, but there's a version of you who's much more successful.
Another dimension is a lemon who's not a loser.
That's great.
So I'm going to predict, so apparently you must jump into another dimension, kill your alternate self, and then assume their life.
And wear his skin.
Wait, isn't that the plot of the Jet Li movie,
The One?
Maybe.
He got more powerful
every alternate self he killed.
So it's kind of like a Highlander
thing. Anyway.
Here's a fact stolen straight from a Sci-Fi flick.
Okay.
I'd like to show you that the keys to everything
you've ever wanted in life,
success, talent, wealth, wellness, happiness,
lie hidden in alternate versions of the universe we live in.
They're called video games.
Yeah.
And that in these alternate universes,
mirror images of yourself are living out their lives, just as you are.
That's also video games.
There's a picture of a guy holding a young lady's hands and looking away.
It's the pitch bible for Chrono Cross,
I guess.
I just want to know,
I'm sure you get an awful lot of questions.
What are some of the frequently asked
ones that you get?
We'll get to that, I'm sure.
There's quite a few
words on this page. I'm sure
one of them will be a frequently asked question. I'm sure one of them will be a frequently asked question
I'm sure one of these sentences
Must end with a question mark
Actually Boots
Yours is going to start with a question
If you'll take but wait doesn't this kind of thing
Oh yeah
This is the only frequently asked question
But wait
Doesn't this kind of thing only happen
In science fiction movies?
Remember the movie The Matrix?
The answer isn't just yes.
Wait, in an alternate reality, I'm Keanu Reeves?
Ew, gross.
Whoa.
That makes me Joe Pants.
I don't feel good about that.
I would totally rather be Joey Pants than I would Keanu Reeves.
You know, you're right.
Okay.
Remember how people were able to instantly download skills and experiences into their minds?
No.
They all became Kung Fu Masters.
Uh-huh.
My favorite Nintendo game.
Helicopter pilots, engineering experts, all in a matter of minutes.
Yeah. Skills that normally take years to master
were theirs in the blink of an eye.
Yet none of them got a good skill
like learning how to program in Node.js.
Way to not think about your future,
guys from the Matrix.
New Kung Fu.
Kung Fu's not sustainable as a career choice.
Says you.
Maybe in an alternate universe it is. Oh, fair enough.
Says someone who's never kung fu'd a guy to death.
I can program my computer
with a karate kick.
Thanks, Doc. You're welcome.
Yes, The Matrix was a movie.
Okay. But what if that part
of it was real? And what if
without having to live in the future
and fight giant robots,
you could experience it too?
Prove it!
Well, wait a minute.
Living in the future and fighting giant robots should be a perk of that.
Prove it!
Yeah.
It's like, I would want something to use my kung fu on.
Prove it!
Yeah.
You're probably saying right now,
because especially that guy just did.
Prove it!
He said prove it.
And I will.
Let me tell you a story about
the 85-year-old man
who jumps across universes.
Yay!
Oh, this is my favorite kid's book.
Does it hurt his hip?
I'm getting too old
for this universe jumping.
Is this about Doc Brown?
Oh, I broke my hip
in the jello dimension.
Just an old guy jumping into bubbles. The jello dimension would be the last dimension you break my hip in the jello dimension. Just an old guy jumping into bubbles.
I think the jello dimension would be the last dimension you break a hip in.
I'm going to have to keep my way out of this universe.
All right, Stog, tell me about yourself, 85-year-old man who jumps across universes.
I'm 85 years old, and in many ways, I'm just like any other person my age.
Nobody listens to me.
I like peace and quiet.
I like spending time with my grandchildren.
And I enjoy nothing more than sitting down to a good book.
Wow, welcome to the internet, fascinating man.
And sitting down to it.
So he keeps warm. But in the past few years alone, I've accomplished a number of things that most people couldn't achieve in a lifetime.
A handful of them include painting.
What?
Just before my 80th birthday, I decided to take up painting.
And in the past few years, I've completed hundreds
of masterpieces inspired
by visionaries. No, you haven't!
Is this Amy Lee's grandpa?
Hundreds of
masterpieces inspired
by visionaries like
Van Gogh and
Picasso!
Liar.
Like, you know,
50 years from now,
people are going to be paying millions of dollars
for Daisy Pond Grotto by an 85-year-old man.
Yeah, so next to this paragraph is
couch art photoshopped into gold frame.
That's my art!
To be fair, that's way better than most 85-year-olds using Photoshop.
That's true.
That's totally true.
Today, many of my paintings hang in famous clip art collections.
I mean, museums around the globe.
Yeah.
I believe that.
Photography.
With no previous knowledge of photography,
I pioneered a brand new mirage photography style
that got many of my photographs
shown in galleries all
around the world.
I think you might be
lying.
Mirage photography.
You never actually see it, though. That's the thing.
The picture shown here,
Street in Paris,
is one of my favorites.
I can't even see.
It just looks like blurry shit.
I have no idea what's happening.
If I search for this on Google Image Search...
Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing.
All right, what else
are you really good at?
Writing. Out of nowhere,
I found the inspiration
to write. I've written many books, including the bestseller, The Silva Mind Control Method of Mental Dynamics,
which I co-authored with Jose Silva, himself of The Silva Method.
Wow, the Jose Silva?
The Josie Silva.
Josie and the Silva Kids. As a fan of Franz Kafka,
I bet you can see his influence
in the Silva Mind Control method
of mental dynamics.
Man, I will say
already, though, thank you,
crazy old man, for introducing the F-Plus
to the Silva Mind Control method.
I have just now found the website
and it is pretty great.
Hooray!
What else are you really good at, and it is pretty great. Oh, good. All right. We'll get back to that later.
What else are you really good at, crazy old man?
Business.
Three decades after the age most people decide to retire.
And two decades before they can.
I started an online movement that transformed into a successful online business.
Since 2007, the website has continued to grow and now has a community of over 300,000 members.
When do we get to the quantum jumping?
Shut up!
Okay, sorry.
In the space of just a few years,
how on earth did a normal American senior citizen like myself accomplish not one, but multiple goals that some people spend their entire lives chasing?
Well, that's because...
You got a brain tumor that was putting dangerous pressure on parts of your mind that are making you hallucinate all this stuff?
Uh, no.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I guess not.
I mean, I don't know that many 85-year-olds, but I certainly don't know any who are, like, 12 years old and brag about how good they are at painting and shit.
It doesn't seem very normal, 85-year-old.
At 85 years old, I use quantum jumping to be good at the sex!
Portex, if you'll take the next part, please.
All right.
The next thing that I'm super awesome at?
No, with this next section.
We're still waiting for flying cars.
Okay, we're still waiting for flying cars,
but I believe sci-fi films predicted something right.
Okay. Hoverboards?
I guess, maybe? Blitzball?
Those are still two years away.
Oh, okay.
And that's the reality-defying act of
jumping into alternate universes.
Okay.
Okay.
You heard me right. I'm not joking.
And it's not a metaphor for something else.
Oh, yeah.
Jumping.
Yeah, we get you.
Okay.
Look, there's a photo on the sidebar of a weird guy in a stupid turtleneck with two dogs.
Yep.
And he says quantum jumping really works.
It does.
And really is in italics, so it really does.
Yeah.
I've spent 31 years researching fields like
hypnosis, yoga, meditation,
and remote viewing, to name a few.
Yep. I've experimented,
tweaked, and waited for the corresponding
scientific evidence to back up my claims.
For some reason it won't arrive!
It's been a long wait, so I decided to just
move forward. Science has yet to discover yoga.
I'm glad.
I'm looking into it.
Get on it, science.
And what I now have to show for it is a highly advanced visualization technique
that allows you to vividly visualize meeting alternate versions of yourself
in alternate universes and using them to engineer your ideal life.
I have invented imagination,
you see.
Thanks so much.
Because I'm really interested in the jumping.
Until you lose all the blood in your brain.
Oh, okay.
It's the technique that has served
as the backbone of many of my life's accomplishments.
Changed the lives of some of my
students for the better,
some for the much, much worse.
And will now do the same for you.
Why?
Well, think about it.
This person doesn't answer any questions.
He just poses a question and then explains more stuff.
Apparently all of the frequently asked questions are rhetorical.
Yeah, it's not F-A-Q-N-A.
Okay.
Yeah, it's not F-A-Q-N-A.
Imagine getting the chance to talk to your alternate selves,
versions who you've made different sets of choices and decisions in life.
Think of how you could benefit from all their experiences,
learn their skills, and make better decisions.
Okay.
I see it as discovering your true potential.
A potential you could never possibly have achieved had you not gotten in touch with the universal you.
The you that you were always meant to be.
And that technique is called using save states in a video game emulator.
I mean, shit, quantum jumping.
Quantum jumping.
All I can imagine is just visiting alternate versions of myself
who've made even worse choices.
Dude, don't do that!
Do not do that!
Wait, but where's
the jumping? Hey, me, got a
dollar?
This dog's really
into 90s hip-hop. I gotta jump!
Yeah, criss-cross!
Don't make me jump, John.
So anyway, you don't need a spaceship or a time machine.
All you need is an open mind and the willingness to learn
and presumably however much money they ask you for.
Welcome to the Infinite U, and then my name's Burt Goldman,
and I'm going to tell you a little bit about my life story,
but it's boring, so we're going to skip it.
Good.
All right.
but it's boring, so we're going to skip it.
Good.
Alright.
But anyway,
so I'm old, and I was in Hawaii once.
Yay!
Did she meet the Sasquatch there?
In this dimension, I think.
I like pineapples.
I offer nothing but proven
time-trusted techniques, I'm sorry,
time-tested techniques that have been conceived, tested, and fine-tuned with hundreds of thousands of participants throughout the world.
Techniques that could very well change your life for the better.
But hold on just a second, Bert.
I think you're asking.
Hold on, Bert.
Wait, I have to find a second one?
Don't pull out that checkbook just yet.
I have to find a second Bert and hold on to him.
Hold on just a second, Bert.
I'm using the quantum jumping.
All right.
So here's some sort of like Mayan wall and a man with a huge forehead.
Anyone in their right mind would surely by now be saying,
how can you even be sure alternate universes exist?
A fair question, because when I first started experiencing alternate universe, I thought
it was delusional.
Isn't this the kind of thing that only happens in Star Trek?
So now he's just layering questions he's not asking on each other.
I'm sorry, questions he's not answering.
Am I crazy?
Of course I'm not crazy.
You're crazy.
But once I saw for myself what the finest minds on the planet were only beginning to discover,
that doubt began to melt away.
In the scientific community, the idea of alternate universes was first proposed in 1954 by Hugh Everett III,
who has a big forehead, a young doctoral candidate at one of the most prestigious Ivy League universities in the world.
young doctoral candidate at one of the most prestigious Ivy League universities in the world,
he called it the Many Worlds Theory and used it as an explanation as to why quantum matter behaves erratically.
However... Why don't we get to find out which Ivy League university it is?
It's just one of the most prestigious ones.
Then you might be able to look up the records and see that there was never a Hugh Everett III there.
I think he went to Ivy League Community College.
Yeah. There's never a Hugh Everett III there? I think he went to Ivy League Community College.
Yeah.
He learned how to prude Ivy. Ever graduated from the Catholic University of America.
Oh, okay.
That's not a league I'm familiar with.
Princeton.
Okay.
Okay.
Mankind has spent centuries speculating on the existence of alternate universes.
The earliest idea of this is found in Puranas,
an ancient collection of Hindu
texts which speaks of an infinite number of universes,
each with its own planets,
inhabitants, and gods.
The smartest people
in the world are trying to tell you something. First of all,
I wouldn't even dream of telling you about
alternate universes and alternate selves if I wasn't
sure of it myself.
I'm just pulling stuff
out of my ass here sir um and you're gonna know that i'm not some sort of idiot or huckster
because right next to this text is the cover of the book what the bleep do we know
so this is all nothing here is based in bullshit
hey after all i've told you about my background and my life's work in helping people achieve So this is all, nothing here is based in bullshit. No.
Hey, after all, I've told you about my background and my life's work in helping people achieve mental and spiritual enlightenment,
and there's no way I'd throw away a lifetime of credibility and trust by telling you something that wasn't true.
I'm staking my reputation on this, and my reputation is sterling.
Yeah, I put the cover of What the Bleep Do We Know and Albert Einstein right next to each other.
On equal footing.
I think you contributed to the writing of that book.
Terrible.
Albert Einstein. Einstein looks so disappointed in this crazy old man.
The real clincher, though, lies in the discoveries of the most intelligent people in the world.
Nobel Prize winners, professors,
quantum physicists. If you can't trust them,
who else is left? There's
countless other intellectuals who have made discoveries
in the possibilities of other
alternate universes, including world-famous
Professor Stephen Hawking, Professor
Alan Guth, and even
Albert Einstein himself. If you need
more proof, just search Google for scientific theories like the string theory and the M-theory.
Or watch the film What the Bleep Do We Know?
Fuck that.
Yeah.
If you need more proof, just look on the internet.
Everything is true, and everybody writes everything they need.
The string theory or the theory that water is alive.
Either one.
writes everything they need. Right. The string theory or the theory that water is alive.
Either one.
Okay, so
let's finally get down to
it. We're like
almost halfway through the million
word FAQ.
Wow, this keeps going.
And we have yet to encounter one question
although there is a one running through
our space. Oh, there are questions
at the very bottom. Yay!
Alright, so
Isvan, if you'll tell us
how to control our destiny like
having a crystal ball. How to control
your destiny like having a crystal ball.
In movies, people use
crystal balls to see the future and stay out
of danger by knowing exactly what to do
and what not to do.
What movie is that?
I don't know.
In movies, you know.
Okay.
All of the movies.
Disney movies.
Yeah.
In a nutshell, it helps them make the best possible decisions.
Okay.
They should have done that in the Titanic movie.
Given the uncertain times we're in, it's safe to say most of us would give an arm and a
leg for something as useful as that.
Here's where I give you my pricing strata.
The thing is, for the low cost of one arm, one leg.
Wow, he manages to get this wrong.
The thing is, crystal balls don't exist.
Wait, yes they do.
They do.
They totally do.
Are you talking about crystal balls that can predict the future?
Well, yes, those don't exist.
No, he's just saying crystal balls.
They don't exist.
You can order them out of Dungeons & Dragons magazines.
I guess, to be fair, if you've seen one of those, they're not actually made out of crystal.
They're usually just glass.
I'm pretty sure there is a ball made of crystal somewhere.
Maybe.
But is there two of them?
But let me tell you what does exist.
Quantum jumping.
Of course.
Okay.
And with all its mind-bending possibilities,
it'll do you even more good than a dozen crystal balls.
13 or 14, then it's kind of evening out.
What do I sell them?
Does it count when I stuff all the crystal balls in my pants?
I think that increases their potency.
It increases your potency.
So we have just the old fortune teller lady looking into Stog's balls, seeing the future.
Your future!
My balls keep clacking together. How do I stop this?
Stog's Newton balls. so the question i've been asking myself is incorrect comma how do i put a price on something
as invaluable as this oh i'm sure you'll find a way i'm sure you i'm sure you got along somehow
because you're not simply investing on a method to jump into alternate dimensions
you're investing in the pursuit of a supremely abundant,
successful, fulfilled, and happy
life.
One that in the past may have seemed out of reach.
Imagine
spending not just thousands of dollars,
but precious time and energy on failed
investments and purchases.
Such as...
I can't even think of one.
We don't need examples.
Going into ventures, hobbies, or activities
that in the end just don't make you happy.
I wish I could meet Bizarro Lemon
and he would encourage me to not buy those pants.
Your alternate self is a personal shopper.
Yeah, absolutely.
Bizarro boots have a goatee on top of his beard.
That works. Yeah, absolutely. Bizarro boots have a goatee on top of his beard.
That works.
Meeting the wrong people,
or even trying out the latest repackaged do-this-and-you'll-be-happy schemes
that doesn't seem to show any visible results.
The irony here is killing me.
I hate those.
Now imagine the flip side.
Knowing how to avoid all the bad
and instead reel in the good.
So, avoid all of these
do this and you'll be happy schemes
and instead do the thing where nothing bad happens
and only good things do.
Don't do that and not be happy.
Do this and be happy.
Scheme.
Shit.
I visited my alternate self from an alternate universe
and he told me
to take a dirigible ride to the Bahamas.
That's just not possible.
How am I supposed to do that?
Sure, Portex.
Portex, tell me this
quantum jumping experience that is not
based on lies.
But make sure
that it's not based on lies. That would be really
that would hurt me feelings if it was based on lies. Is your experience full of lies? We can help. And also make sure to it's not based on lies That would hurt me feelings
Is your experience full of lies?
We can help
And also make sure to take a photo of yourself
Being really unhappy next to your wife
She's not his wife
Oh well, he's a soulmate
The ultimate quantum jumping experience
Quantum jumping
Presents you with an opportunity
To transform every area of your life.
Sure.
Especially the dick area.
Right.
Wouldn't you need a jump rope for quantum jumping?
No.
Next time.
That's two.
The secret behind its success is its simplicity in learning.
After studying the course, you can apply and enjoy the benefits for decades
to come. Okay. Quantum
jumping has been constructed to create
lasting change over a short-term
improvement. What?
Huh? Sure.
Maybe you spent a lot of money on a
college education. For thousands on
seminars and...
What are you, stupid asshole?
Go to the scam! You spent thousands of dollars seminars. What a stupid asshole. College is a scam.
You spent thousands of dollars
on a college education and yet you still fall
for this.
I've seen some pretty stupid
people in college degrees though.
Give me your money.
Or thousands on seminars and books
that you don't understand or read.
Maybe if you went to college you could understand them better.
Why did you spend thousands on books you don't read?
They look nice on the wall.
Why would you do that?
Quantum jumping gives you an alternative blueprint
for your life. Before now,
people have paid huge sums
of money to meet with me and learn
the inside techniques of quantum jumping.
Oh, like what kind of people?
It's capitalized, so I assume that's a name,
a guy's name. Sure, yeah.
Mr. Quantum Jumping.
A few years ago, I was flown to the Middle East to train a sultan's wife on my techniques.
Oh, yeah, I'm buying this.
Due to client confidentiality, I cannot give names, but I will say that he spent a small fortune.
Sure, mm-hmm.
The sultan wanted to give his wife a profound experience and heard that quantum
jumping was one of the most talked about personal
growth programs she could
experience. Oh, he's just a gigolo.
There's no close
parentheses, so this is going on forever.
But don't worry.
You don't have to be
a sultan or hold a small fortune to learn
everything there is to know about quantum jumping.
I'm just a shake.
This version
is meticulously detailed
with all the information I possess
and will be the last quantum jumping
program I will ever release
before I die. Oh, sure.
This is why I'm releasing
it for the lowest cost possible
in a one-time investment.
All right, so now we're getting to the money.
Yep.
The course is available for a low price because Mindvalley sells it in bulk
and is able to pass on the savings directly to you.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So the course is actually like a thing that you download onto your phone.
So obviously one thing that you download onto your phone would be thousands of dollars.
Yeah.
Just because of the sheer cost of things
you download onto your phone.
I think you're forgetting the part where
it's how to travel across dimensions.
The reason I'm forgetting that
is that you keep underselling it.
You're like,
oh, you can jump into different dimensions and that will help you keep underselling it. You're like, oh, you can jump into different dimensions
and that will help you
get a better raise.
The thing you don't understand
by downloading
whatever the fuck this thing is,
you're
tearing through the fabric of the internet
and there's repair fees.
Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have to repair those rifts.
There's back-end costs, okay.
Right, because we don't want alternate internets
leaking into our own.
Look, there's a lot...
It could be dangerous.
There's lots of alternate versions of me
in other dimensions
that are homeless
and I need to feed all of them
with the money in this one.
Do I need my phone
to jump across universes?
Maybe.
Only a rotary phone.
We haven't gotten to that part yet.
We still don't know what the hell he's selling us.
Can I transport myself into the Angry Birds universe?
Like in my fanfic?
Last year was their single best-selling program,
and because over 30,327, that's a random number,
have gone through the course... I guess that means a random number, have gone through the course.
I guess that means 30,328 have gone through the course.
No, it actually means 40,000.
It's just the way he chose to write it. Yeah, you know, that is technically true.
I've been able to optimize the price to something extremely reasonable and available in physical package or digital download.
Optimize the price.
Even Jack Chick would call you out
for being bullshit there.
The entire Quantum Jumping
course can be shipped to you for
$167
or you can save 50% by downloading
the digital version and start experiencing the program
within minutes. Oh my god, that's terrific! Yay!
Yay!
The reasonable quantity of $83.50.
I like how at the start he said,
Quantum Jumping has been constructed to create lasting change over short-term improvement.
But at the very start he quoted the Matrix as just like,
Learn stuff in minutes.
Sure.
Well yeah, it's lasting change, because you get to be a pilot forever.
Okay, so we skipped around in this FAQ, because there's parts that are not very interesting.
But there's also, I mean, you might be wondering at this point, like, how does this shit work, right?
Yeah. And there
is no real
information on here
that even... Okay, here's the
part. Well, he's not gonna spoil it.
Yeah, here's the part. Yeah, thanks for
the quantum jumping info, idiot.
Yeah. So, here's the parts. Part one
is introduction and quantum mind
sequence. Then part two is
jumping into abundance, right? Part three is introduction and quantum mind sequence. Then part two is jumping into abundance, right?
Part three is jumping into ideal health.
So you jump into a body that's better than yours, and then you bring it back.
Are you sure this is a stat, Dracula?
Then jumping into healthy relationships.
So steal alternate yous and girlfriend.
Caveman style.
Triggering thinking
that you're actually
alternate universe.
Don't worry, baby.
It's not cheating.
It's still me.
Part five is
jumping into success.
Part six is
jumping into a happy home.
Part,
where am I at?
Seven is
jumping into a
spiritual connection.
Then jumping into adventure.
Then doppelganger
integration. Can I jump into the Atari game adventure, then doppelganger integration.
Can I jump into the Atari game adventure?
Doppelganger integration?
Doppelganger integration.
That operates under the assumption
that in each alternate universe, that
one thing is really great, and then everything
else is shit?
Yeah.
So you have a really kick-ass relationship,
but you're broke as shit,
and you're super extra ugly?
No, you learn lessons, you cherry-pick.
What happens if Doppelganger
discovers the program,
and then he's trying to steal your shit?
Well, that's why you gotta be the first out there.
If I go to an alternate universe and find myself
and discover that my life is so much better there,
can I kill myself and then take over my own life?
See, that's the first thing I would do.
Yes.
The first thing.
Good Lord.
I didn't even wait for Boots to finish this.
No, I've been thinking about this.
I've been working this out.
I've been wanting to kill myself for years.
Anyway, so there's really nothing on this page
that's going to tell you anything about what quantum jumping is
or how it works.
But that's okay because there are hundreds
of testimonials. So I'll start.
Wait, before we continue
I'd just like to point out that Bert Goldman's
handwritten signature looks like
Butt-acouly.
Just thought I'd say that.
That's also the magic word you say
to dimension jumps. Great job, Butt, that's good to know. That's also the magic word you say to Dimension Jump.
Great job, but...
He's giving away his secrets.
But...
All right.
So, Vincent McNicol, which, as Portex pointed out, will tell you that quantum jumping really works, says,
I'm a musician and songwriter, and i quantum jump to gain inspiration during my jump
i met my doppelganger who said i want to see you smile was that before i killed him
that day i wrote a song with that title. Later that week, I did it again.
Wait, I think I already have a song by this name.
Shit.
I jumped through the door, and this time I saw a big white house.
Inside, I saw a wall full of golden records and other prizes.
Wow, I could even read the titles of the songs on the records.
One said, Just Fun. The same day, I wrote another read the titles of the songs on the records. One said, Just Fun.
The same day, I wrote another song by that name.
I'm getting sued a lot for royalties.
This is Amy Lee's creative process.
What does that song sound like?
I'm curious now.
Also, he's just getting song titles.
He's not actually getting notation from these jumps.
The title's good enough. With a title like Just Fun,
you already know how it's going to go.
Just fun, just fun, just fun, just fun.
Right, exactly.
That's right.
That's how it's going to sound, yes.
Just fun.
His tongue is starting to do it.
These songs are the best I've written so far that's a true statement i've been songwriting for
20 years next i asked my doppelganger what to do with these songs where do i send them to who
he wrote on a piece of paper virgin tokyo Now that's more than insight. That is clear information.
Quantum jumping really works,
but I ignored him
and instead I put together
some sort of page on Reverb Nation
where I post bullshit
for people that listen to the F Plus
to listen to.
There's a link on the side.
I just had a 10-gallon hat.
I found a website
that has some of his music,
but it doesn't include those songs.
I can't wait for the first time
an alternate universe me jumps into this one
and asks me for advice,
and I'm not even phased by it,
like apparently this doppelganger.
It's like, oh, you're back again.
Fine, here, Virgin took you.
I'm waiting for the alternate version of me
that never got into looking at weird internet shit.
I'm going to quantum jump in here
and be fucking horrified
with how my life turned out.
You're looking at dragon, Dillos!
Why?
It's funny.
Alright.
Boots, boots.
So I hear you are thrilled with the ability to cross all of the universes?
Was thrilled with the ability to cross all universes.
I bet you were.
I originally purchased the program to help me break through things in my life that I wanted to change, remove, or reevaluate.
Also, to create direction for my life
that would allow me to live my life on my
terms instead of being
in fear of what was happening
out there.
Like the economy or
healthcare crisis. The economy is
happening out there.
Don't go out there! The economy's out there!
And he's like,
yeah, that's like the first guy that dies in the horror movie is like,
screw you, I'm going out there, giant economy dinosaur.
Shows up and bites his head off.
The market is full.
Market hungry!
Yeah, Jurassic Park was just an allegory for capitalism.
Holy shit, that actually works.
That works really well.
Think of how the children get victimized by...
Oh, smart.
I've been exposed to and used various techniques for many years.
I just lacked, didn't understand,
how to pull all these pieces of information together
into a cohesive program.
Right, yeah.
The first bullet to the program was a delightful meditation,
but soon found that the application was
far more inclusive than I realized.
I've been able to
apply the program to the many facets
of my life, including
manifesting a new career,
financial clarity,
a whole new community of like-minded
people that I really
enjoy their company. Manifesting a new career. like-minded people that I really enjoy their company.
Manifesting a new career.
Like-minded people that
really enjoy their company, is it you and all the
alternate yous?
That's like manifesting infection
in a wound, right?
I like maple donuts.
I like banana donuts.
Oh, you come from a dark,
dark universe.
I like 18 donuts. Oh, you come from a dark, dark universe. I like 18 donuts.
And the portion I was really thrilled with,
the ability to cross all the universes.
Oh, yeah.
You know, it was really, I guess, you know,
like I got some clarity.
What was cool, though, was crossing dimensions.
Yeah.
You know.
No big deal. Yeah. You know. No big deal.
Yeah.
Crossing all the universes and begin to utilize those skills and information I only intuited were available to me.
I improved grammar with quantum jumping.
They didn't jump to the universe where they learned how to write.
Definitions of things, just words.
So all of our alternate universe forms are this bad at grammar.
She learned from the smartest her.
Yeah, this is the best her grammar can be across all universes.
Thank you for sharing this fabulous program.
You're welcome.
And having the forethought to save it for the time it was intended. Please read that last sentence just one more time. Yeah. Please. You're welcome.
Please read that last sentence just one more time.
Please.
Thank you for sharing this fabulous program and having the forethought
to save it for the time
it was intended.
She typed that sentence and she was like,
I'm sure that'll make sense to somebody out there.
To be fair,
is she thanking herself, or...
Who is she thanking?
It's very difficult when it involves time travel.
The lizard people on planet...
I thought that sentence was fine.
And me, the lady that
is hiding in the shrubbery,
my name is Robbie Agnew.
Oh, and you're from Salt Lake City.
I'm from Salt Lake City.
That's fun.
Stog, you gain confidence, right?
Yeah, I have gain confidence.
Have you gained confidence to pick up girls?
I gain confidence to get a good haircut.
I gain confidence to wear my hair like that.
I was going to say I gain confidence to stick my head out a car window while I was driving.
Ladies love to pro.
I've gained confidence to pick up girls.
And throw them into a dumpster after I jump on them.
Girls like my hair is so wacky.
My goal for using quantum jumping is to live my life to my full potential.
And increase the many talents I have.
So far, I've gained huge confidence in one part of my life,
and that part of my life is my dick.
I call him part of my life.
Yeah.
There was the confidence to pick up girls and go for what I want.
The bag is also really awesome.
I use it every day.
Not only that, I love that I can instantly reach alpha now.
What?
Did this become Scientology now?
He's not being a beta, he's being an alpha.
I'm an alpha male.
He's like, hey babe, I just got done skydiving.
Go out with me.
I like how, oh, I can cross dimensions.
I'll use it to collect negs from throughout history.
I can drink three beers out of a six-pack and not fall over.
I doubt that.
I sit up conscious source foundations all the time, and they work.
What does that mean?
I recommend it to someone who is open to it, because Bert puts so much more in those CDs than was expected.
Maybe, maybe.
I was expecting an hour of audio, but it was an hour and eight minutes.
His information can be a part of your everyday life, in every aspect of your life.
I love it.
Thank you, Bert.
You're the best.
Diego Carranza from Long Beach, California.
Okay, I just now realized that I don't think any of these photos are real.
I think that Bert here has taken letters which, let's say, are real.
Sure, why not?
He's taken letters that are real, and then he just sort of plugged photos into them.
Yeah.
Because how many people would send their picture along with an email?
Yeah, well, and plenty of them are, like, in front of, like, white screens, which is suspect.
But anyway...
This one has a Photoshop filter on it.
Some guy.
It's fine.
Taking this course is the highest priority of your day.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm a guy in a business suit in front of a white wall.
Your name's D.
D.E. Hoffman.
My first name is D
and my middle name is E.
Anyway.
How about your quantum jumping course?
To learn how to use the knowledge I gained
from the Edgar Case Group
are the secret
and from the Wallace D. Waddle's
manuscript designs of getting rich and put it into practice, which through all my efforts was progressing slowly, period.
Holy shit!
What?
I get all of my get-rich-quick schemes from Muppets.
Tee!
So the first chapter of this book must be like, bend sentences to your will.
Yes.
of this book must be like,
bend sentences to your will.
Yes.
Don't yield to oncoming traffic. Make traffic
yield to you. That's right.
No, you move.
I was able to create loving and
trusting relationships in my life,
which I truly am
grateful for, however.
Okay.
That sentence was almost well-constructed.
However.
I gotta save this.
My progress to achieve and live a life of wealth and abundance was escaping me,
and maybe my internal dialogue was that that life was always for someone else other than myself.
Oh my god.
You can't even accidentally get a sentence right.
Quantum jumping has provided me the vehicle to really know that life is right at my fingertips.
That wasn't so bad.
I see and feel the progress and improvements in programming my mind to control and direct my thoughts to whatever ends I desire.
I will absolutely recommend this to my friends and have done so many times.
Twisting just grabs his friends by the shoulders and starts shaking them and says, make two
quantum jump.
Do it now.
Do it now.
I've already done it.
Website on the internet, two success and then $100.
However.
Quantum jump on computer.
Why you no quantum jump?
Now, the use of tense here shows us that even though he has recommended this
to his friends in the past, he will continue
to do so, meaning they've said no.
As I told a dear friend of mine the
other day, make taking
this course your highest priority
of your day, and we will no longer
be having these conversations of your fears.
That's Basil Morseau's sentence.
That's what
that was in response to him saying,
I'm afraid you're losing your mind.
And then I told the next to your friend
who came up out of the subway.
And the next to your
friend.
Portex, you have far
exceeded your goals. I have. I mean, yes, I have far exceeded your goals.
I have.
I mean, yes, I have.
I'm, uh...
I think I'm Santa Claus in my summer clothes.
Lawrence Howard looks like a fat father jackhack.
Fuck this shit, Santa's retired.
It's Santa Claus working in the model train room.
Yep.
Santa Claus working in the model train room.
I have far exceeded my original goals.
I have failed my new goals, but my original goals, I have far exceeded them. I'm purchasing this program.
Yes.
My major goal was to attain peace of mind and relaxation.
However, I have far exceeded my original goals.
I am at peace as shit. As I said in the title of this post.
I am at peace as shit.
I am relaxed as fuck.
I am incapable of getting off the couch now.
I am so relaxed. I am paralyzed.
I am 73
years old, and in 2008
my world collapsed.
I lost my life savings and had to go on
social security.
I could no longer make an $1800 payment on my home, and it went to foreclosure.
In 2009, both my son and grandson were killed in Iraq.
I was planning my suicide.
This better get funny.
I could not relax, nor could I think straight.
Then quantum jumping came along.
Yay!
Yay!
I figured, what the hell, it just might work for me.
I used the program and made a jump.
It's good to make a jump.
What, did he jump off, jump into the lake?
So far, his pitch is, hey, it's better than killing yourself.
By a slim margin, meeting myself fishing off a pier.
Okay.
I have never fished.
He, I, said,
sit down, let's figure things out.
Okay.
I don't know how long we talked,
and I am now taking the steps that were suggested.
I am selling my furniture.
I'm planning to go into a retirement home
within the next two weeks.
Yay!
Move into a retirement home.
I've exceeded my goals.
That's the far exceeding your goals?
Somebody else helps me shit!
Yeah!
All alternate universes exist
as emotional support
for this one.
Yep.
He suggested beating
as a way to relax, and I laughed
as my hands shake so badly
I can no longer write my own name.
I'd just like to point out that is beading, as in to make things out of beads.
Not self-flagellation.
Yeah, so I've been in this podcast too long, because I see beading, and I'm like, okay,
so that must be some sort of beads you shove up your own ass.
Oh, yes.
Beads.
Oh, this is soon the worst.
Bunch of salt in the face to success.
So I bought a bunch of beads and all the stuff needed to make necklaces,
and at first the beads were all over the floor.
Oh, yeah.
Then I heard a voice in my head telling me to relax.
You can and will do it.
I tried again and my hand stopped shaking,
and I turned out some beautiful
necklaces that friends loved and bought.
Now I have another income.
How are there always more people
making those stupid fucking
beaded bracelets? Why does everyone
assume that the market needs more of this shit?
Arrested development
style.
Denise. The memory of my boys
will never leave me, but I now find myself looking towards the future
rather than living in the past.
I recommend the program to all my friends and will continue
to do so. Quantum Jumping has given me
a new outlook, or at least it would if any of
this story was fucking true, which it's
totally not. Anyway, my name's Lawrence Howard.
What are you talking about? He jumped into another
dimension and met himself fishing.
And now he makes beads in a retirement home.
But she sells to his friends.
Here's another. This person
has the exact same thing at the end.
I recommended the program to all my friends
and will continue to do so.
It's almost as if one guy's
writing all of these, but I don't know.
That seems impossible.
Alright, so I want you to close your eyes
and I'm going to say a phrase here,
and you're going to just imagine a face.
Okay.
Okay, so close your eyes.
Douchebag facial hair.
All right, so there's what I look like.
Why do you always call me that?
Shave it off, and we'll talk.
I'm thinking of the guy from Saliva.
I think I'm thinking of all the guys from Saliva.
Now I'm thinking of boots without facial hair.
It's scary.
It's kind of horrifying.
Alright, so anyway,
quantum jumping helped me help
others. Okay, hey, how's
it going, guys? Hey.
I am fundamentally an achiever
and a successful, contented
person.
I needed and was looking for a catalyst to take me to roaring levels of achievement.
Being a spiritualist, right?
A daily twice meditator and a proficient astral traveler.
I came in with these skills.
Yeah.
I took to quantum jumping as a fish would take to water.
One thing
about quantum jumping is how good I am at it.
I like to think that
if we saw more of this photo, he'd be
like holding up a slate with his name on it
in the county he's in.
Okay.
So,
it has begun to work wonders.
Only last evening, I could help, from London, a dear one in the Middle East suffering severe pain following a critical surgery using the dwaddle over Skype.
What's a dwaddle?
So, that's a bunch of words that are put together in some sort of order.
I used the flibbity flea to gib-flop, and then I turned into another dimension.
That's what they call it when you shave the outline of an ass on your face.
I just dwaddled my face.
That's my dwaddle, ladies!
He looks like a supervillain that is proud to be a pedophile.
He's got the pedo smile, that's for sure.
Disc three of the program is just Dr. Seuss terms.
Who are you to question my pleasure, Superman?
Okay, so she went to sleep immediately
and woke up this morning with the pain gone.
She went to work and reported to be more energetic than ever in a month since the surgery.
I am very choosy.
Because it must reach the right people at the right time in their lives for the right reasons they seek in life.
Sure.
Okay.
I don't want to recommend the program to skeptics.
Only those who are blessed and have opted out of their bad karmas.
Can you do that?
I didn't know you could do that.
Yeah.
No, thanks.
I ran over a guy, and as I was driving by, I yelled, I opt out.
Not it!
Lightning's going to strike someone else tonight.
Anyway, if you opted out of your bad karma,
you can truly benefit by this wonderful gift of God!
Quite simply, the most powerful tool ever known to man.
A Shack Bala Rajanon from London.
A Shack Bala Rajanon.
Quite simply, the most powerful tool ever known to man.
That's the sound bite.
He's like, hey, wait a minute.
You won't find a shocked Balarajan
on in stores.
I don't want to recommend the program
to skeptics. I'd instead recommend the program
to people who are already gullible as shit.
But where could I find them on this
website?
Okay, Boots, tell me about the pretty awesome doppelgangers that you've met.
They've been pretty awesome.
Let me guess, you had sex with them.
Gotta look in the doctor.
I've met some pretty awesome doppelgangers.
I bet, yeah.
Doppelgangers.
Doppelgangers.
Doppelgangers. All right, awesome, awesome doppelgangers. Doppelgangers. I bet, yeah. Doppelgangers. Doppelgangers. Doppelgangers.
All right.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Doppelgangers.
Doppelgangbang.
We'll get to that.
Someone's stealing that right now for Amazon Kindle porn.
You're welcome, by the way.
My original goal for using quantum jumping was to help me feel safe
in the world. I have many
anxieties. In fact,
it was so bad, I would wake
up in the middle of the night or first thing
in the morning with an anxiety attack every
day. Most of
the time, I couldn't figure out
what I was fearful of.
It seemed like some invisible
intangible thing.
Since using the quantum jumping,
I've been able to remove 98% of my anxieties.
That's a pretty good percentage.
Yay!
What is it?
What?
98%?
How do you...
So there's clearly some math going on here.
Yeah, he's got an Excel spreadsheet.
Well, no, he has at least 50 anxieties.
Yeah.
Please, it's a Quattro Pro spreadsheet.
I've met some pretty awesome doppelgangers.
One of my favorites is a lady who lives by a lake in a house that I love.
She gave me the Excalibur sword.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
That was a lady in a lake.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, if she doesn't want to live in the lake, she'll drown.
Uh.
Somebody edit in cricket noises.
I killed the podcast.
Stug, we love you.
Podcast.
Stug, we love you.
Owning a company, creating the best soil to grow plants and trees for healing properties.
What?
Ah, my alternate dimension.
I'm a dirt person.
So successful I've ever been.
I love to eat dirt.
That's my job. It's like, what, you want to take advice from me?
Do you eat dirt in your dimension?
No? Then I should be taking advice from you.
She and I have had many exciting
discussions. She told
me that if I wanted to do something
similar to her company, I needed
to sit under a tree and talk
to it.
Oh god, we're getting into this again.
I haven't heard much from my trees yet.
I wonder why.
She said that she was giggling at apparently a joke
she had heard earlier in the day.
No, I believe they may be sleeping as I live in the North Country.
What?
Wait, do they hibernate in the North Country?
Yeah.
Well, it seems like I have a direct link to planet Earth.
Yeah. Wrong. Absolutely wrong. What was gravity? hibernate in the North Country? Well, it seems like I have a direct link to planet Earth.
Wrong.
Absolutely wrong.
When I ask for a little warmer weather this winter, it always warmer
around my community than anywhere
else. Synchronicities
seem to abound in my life now.
One of my doppelgangers,
I call her the
wise all-knowing one.
Not that I have delusions of grandeur or anything.
No, because it's not
me-me, it's her-me.
She seems to be like a wave
of energy. I never see
a body. How do you know it's you?
I ask her all kinds of questions.
One of my questions was,
how could I make people stop being so
destructive? Sorry, that wasn't the question.
Yeah, that was a statement.
Yeah, period.
How could I...
That doesn't make any sense.
How could I make them see the light?
She immediately told me I couldn't.
It was so helpful.
Yeah.
She certainly is wise and all-knowing.
What would mean I was trying to take their free will away from them?
All I could do is keep sending love light
to the planet and everything on it.
Hey, thanks for that. That's really been working out
well. I've been looking at the...
Actually, there was a teenager in a basement
who did that three years ago.
And it's called
the Universe Peacetime Project, so
you're a little late here. Yeah, and that worked.
Yeah, that's why everything's so peaceful now.
Way to be a Conjani-come-lately.
And that would have to be my
choice.
Sorry, that would have to be by my choice.
I think she actually said, the
full quote was, what you should do is
give out peaceful rays of energy
to the Earth and crap in the other
hand and see which piles up first.
The sarcastic
wise all-knowing one?
Right, yeah.
I did that.
It was my hand.
Oh, yeah. Thanks for
telling us the end of the story.
This is a spoiler. Your hand's gonna fill up first.
Okay.
When someone asks me for information, I can teach them what I know.
So you answer their questions.
Okay.
Yeah, but it will be up to them whether they accept my teachings.
Of course, I've heard this many times from many great teachers,
but she showed me pictures of how some well-meaning people
ended up trying to control the multitude due to their own fears.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
I guess I never looked at it that way before.
This person is getting crazier and crazier.
One of the other things she told me was whenever I have a negative outlook on something,
that I should hold it in my hand.
The other one.
Right.
You're in the soul of light.
Think really hard about it
and wash it with blue and gold
water.
I think you're shit out of luck there.
Water is not gold.
It's not even blue.
The gold signifies
love and the blue signifies
healing.
Actually, Glenn Beck would tell you that the gold signifies a and the blue signifies healing. Actually, Glenn Beck would tell you
that the gold signifies a good investment in the future.
I can't believe you...
Bitcoin-colored water.
I can't believe how many feelings of guilt,
feelings of anger, feelings of lack
I have been able to wash
until they were shining with love.
I have been able wash. Shine they were shining with love. I have been able wash.
Shine, shine, shine my love.
Sometimes it only takes a few seconds,
and I have to try to remember what I was washing.
Other times it may take me a few minutes,
but I always know when I've washed the feelings enough
because the feelings are gone.
I don't feel anything.
I rarely have them come back,
but if they do, I just wash them again.
They never come back after a second wash.
I treat my feelings like they're genes.
Whose feelings learn their lesson at the second time?
Can I take these feelings back, please?
I don't know.
I just make my ass look big.
I now have the means to create
the very best life for myself.
I thank Bert every day
in every way for the knowledge
she has passed on to all of us.
Passed on to all of us.
Passed on to us.
Like a gas leak.
Yep. I have told
everyone and anyone who wanted to listen
about quantum jumping.
I know some of you wanted to listen. I have told everyone and anyone who wanted to listen about quantum jumping. I know some of them have
purchased the program as they call me
to say how amazed they are with their own
doppelgangers.
This is such an easy
program to find the answers you're looking
for. I think I trust
my doppelgangers the most, since
instead of, say, angels or
guides, because I know and feel my
doppelgangers are directly
connected to me. Everyone says I'm crazy,
my doppelgangers don't say I'm crazy.
Angels or guides are fake as fuck.
My doppelganger, though.
Like they have a vested interest in me,
I always visit the doppelgangers
that have all the attributes I'm looking for.
I never worry about getting misinformation.
Obviously not.
Yeah, that's the truest fucking statement this entire episode.
Quantum jumping is the program I use the most.
I always get the answers I need, and I'm most comfortable with it.
Of course, the bagha is an essential tool for all of his teachings and programs.
Thank you so much again!
Thank you!
So those are the reviews thaturt Goldman has approved of himself.
However, if you go to his Facebook page.
Oh, yay.
The Facebook.com slash Burt Goldman fan page.
Nice.
There are reviews.
Portax, if you'll take the review from Dennis Davis, please.
No, that looks like a good one.
Oh, dear.
Okay.
Yeah.
Get the jackpot.
My name is Dennis Davis.
Hey, guys.
Not to be confused with my doppelganger, Davis Dennis.
It's pronounced Denny Davy.
Oh, Denny Davy. Denny Davy.
I think
something is wrong with me because I have
not experienced the result
from quantum jumping. I've been quantum jumping
over two months, but I have not given
up on it. I still quantum jump on
a daily base, and sometimes
I sit here. I sit
and hear the module on
a daily basic
until I can not take no more of it.
Bert, I know the bug how it works.
And the first time I tried it, it worked.
And all I could do was smile and say to myself if it would not been for Bert.
I would not be able to do this.
Thanks, Bert.
I send you more blessing.
Wait, is this working for him
or is this not working for him?
I don't get it.
Thanks, Bert.
Come from alternate dimension
where I robot, not spell good.
Love Google Translate.
Stock, you're Roy Manley.
You read this and you're Manley as well.
I think I'm going to change my name legally.
Is he a porn star?
Hi, I'm Roy Manley.
You are Manley as fuck.
Oh my god.
Got through all the CDs twice.
And some of them more than that.
Still not seeing my doppelganger or hearing anything at all.
I will keep listening as I know that you are giving good information that helps people.
One day, my doppelganger will help me.
I've completely ruled out the possibility that this is all bullshit, so I know it's going to work eventually.
And there we go.
Around about an hour of advice too strong for just one dimension.
Isfahan, what did you learn this week?
This week I learned that quantum jumping is like a cereal box.
Sure, of course it is.
Why is it like a cereal box?
Because people pay for packaging.
Now, you've got the cheap generic cereals down at the bottom.
Yes.
And those are just in bags.
Right.
But you've got the nice top class name brand cereals up top at eye level.
Those are in boxes.
Right.
When you get in the box cereal, you know that your life is going places.
You're not those unwashed bag only cereal masses.
You paid your dues.
That's for poor people.
So, yeah, I mean, you can meditate for free like a sucker.
You can envision your better self, hop dimensions at no cost to you.
It's kind of like taking the bus to another dimension.
Or, you know, you can upgrade.
You can get the top shelf dimension hopping and pay $200.
I think there's a sale right now.
$200 to Quantum Jump
and then good things happen.
So in your metaphor,
what is the toy inside?
The toy inside is a fulfillment,
I want to say,
or an iPhone.
You know, like in so many garbagey, hippie products, the thing that they're selling is
so sideways and confusing.
Yeah.
Like, we know Burt Goldman, and then Einstein, and then quantum jumping, and there's a thing
you can buy, but there's actually no...
It talks about like oh you
know unlock the power of your mind and what the bleep do we know and that all sorts of all sorts
of garbage but i'm not i'm not sure like after spending all of this time on his site i don't
know if i'm actually quantum jumping or if i'm quantum jumping metaphorically like am i actually
unlocking the power of my own mind? Or, like,
am I hanging out in Dimension X with Shredder and
Krang? The actual process
is never explained.
No. They only ever talk about the
results and the potential. Yeah.
Yeah.
Our very big thanks to
Chairman Roffelmau,
who is the submitter of this
document. Chairman Roffelmau, who is the submitter of this document. Chairman
Roffelmau, thank you very much for this one.
And if you're looking for people to hang out
with, you should be going to Ballpits.
That's B-A-L-L-P dot
I-T. We got forums. This one, what's your
post count at? My post count is over
1,200. Wow.
The website, as always, T-H-E-F-P-L
dot U-S. Go listen
to an old episode
I mean not a super old episode
Because we were a little shaky at first
But go listen to like I don't know
Somewhere like 20 to 30
And we'll see you next time
That's Silver Age F Plus
Good night
If you want more
If you want more
More
Come For my love
Jump in
In my head
Jump if you want to
All right, Stock, tell me about yourself.
85-year-old man who jumps across universes.
Nope, nope, no.
Try again.
I'm 85 years old. Nope. Nope. No. Try again. Amy, five years old.
Nope.
Third time's a charm.
Go to the universe where you do a voice that they like.
Is this the
coming out of the dressing room montage?
Boots and Lemon are just sitting there at the couch and they shake their head at the same time
i'm 85 years old how's that that's perfect that's perfect