The F Plus - 34: This Is What You Want? This Is What You Get!

Episode Date: February 9, 2011

This episode of The F Plus is all stuff you've given to us. We start out with the psychotic racial and gender views of MAI-TRANG THI NGUYEN (PRONOUNCED AS ‘WIN), who thinks she is God. Once that's done, we have some fun with some Star Trek slash, take some of the best nuggets out of some of the worst fanfics, and learn a new way you can get cancer. This week, The F Plus looks directly into the face of GOD, and finds out she's a big slut.

Wow Wow Wow Wow Yes you wanna bleed and cop along with me We're only half-breeds But we'll be home free So mark your territory cause it's on Hey there, welcome to the F-L. Terrible things, read with enthusiasm. My name's Lemon, and our theme tonight isn't actually a theme of content, it's actually a theme of where our content comes from. The stuff we've got for you tonight, there's the pseudo-intellectual ramblings of a psychotic Asian supremacist and her views on how to make a baby.

There's a filthy, filthy piece of Star Trek slash fiction, as well as a discussion of Miley Cyrus abandoning her conservative values, and a little bit more as well. But what this all has in common is that it was submitted by people on the F Plus website. As much as we do love spending hours scouring stuff like Cockrub Warriors or

Conspiracy Theory websites, it's nice to know that if we need it, we've got content coming from you that we can get to. So, all our submissions here are from people who wanted to remain nameless for reasons I suppose I understand. So I can't give out any props, but this was awful internet that they thought was funny and we agreed. So let's get to our readers. Here we go. In the room tonight we have Portax. Guys, I ship Citrus and John. Boots Ranger. With a sweaty brow and a greasy smile, Lemon grabbed his ten-inch cock and said,

Buddy Brad. I am Buddy Brad, pronounced Wyn. Lemon grabbed his 10-inch cock and said, Bunny bread. I am bunny bread, pronounced win. Jimmy Franks. God became a soft porn star. John. Fan fiction. Snails. Jack Chick.

Jack Chick will not be funny in this podcast. Please tune in to the post-Jack Chick funny radio hour after this podcast. And Lemon. Lemon slash Basil Marceau fiction. Oh, hot. Okay. Okay. This is detailed explanations of my theories of life.

Congratulations! You have found God by fate. Oh, awesome. You're our 500th caller. You must have done something great for fate to bring you to moi. And it's free because the instructions on how to live as humans should be free for everyone, not just for those who can afford it in books, temples, and churches. Oh, so it shouldn't be free to people who can afford it. Of course, God himself has come down as a woman

because a man's body is in suspension. He's going to stay on the whole aspect of God because he doesn't have the power to carry his baby for nine months. Therefore, he will never understand the love of a woman and of children. This is the return of the guy that's just like, where has God been? He needs a cock in the ass. Make him do it again. Go on.

His spirituality as a man goes up to his penis, whereas her spirituality as a woman goes up to her breasts. A source of food for her children, and him, that why everybody loves to suck tits, even straight girls. Sucking their mother's nipples as babies, but it doesn't mean she's a lesbian. Oh, I think God doth protest too much. So with that being said,

I, my Trang Tai Nguyen, have solved the puzzle of God by pulling out pieces of information from all religious morals that satisfy my life and incorporate my own morals that have yet to be documented by any human beings in the history of mankind. What? A white person can never fully understand God. No, they were listening to God. Because he, she is at one end of the spectrum. This person is at one end of the spectrum. This person's at one end of the spectrum, I'll tell you that right now. A black person can never fully understand God

because he, she is two at the other end of the spectrum. Gotcha. Okay. Only those of other skin colors between black and white can have a better understanding of God because he, she shares a bit of black and white can have a better understanding of God because he, she, shares a bit

of black and white blood. Oh, that's... If your blood is black or white, there is a problem. However, only yellow people, Asians, can fully understand God because he, she

is smacked in the middle of having black and white skin, The most balanced. Is that a fact? Us yellow people have the skin of a tint of white color but we can easily tan because we have more black blood than white people. Yeah, that's a fact. Everybody knows Asian people were made when

black people and white people fucked. Right. I didn't read that part of Genesis. Everyone knows when you mix black and white you get yellow I mean that's just basic comic theory No no no poor tax At the same time we get treated like shit

because of our tint of black blood Wait you automatically get the wealth of white people like hey that man looks Asian he needs some of my money hang on here We Asians are peacekeepers of God because we are the least violent people in the history of mankind

because we eat tofu! They don't just eat tofu. They fucking tear it apart. What? No, dude. I've never seen anybody who wasn't Asian eat tofu ever. Like the vegan dinosaurs. What? We won't call them herbivores.

They opted not to eat egg and dairy. They wouldn't if they had the chance. Like those other herbivores. Does the salad dressing on those leaves contain egg? As a brachiosaur, I don't know.

I don't know if we can have that. Like the vegan dinosaurs, we are quiet, calm, and less violent in our nature because we eat more vegetables! Very calm. Because we eat vegetables, the nutrients in vegetables make our skin age the best

and we become eternally youthful, even in our deathbeds. And because we eat less meat, we are not as violent as Tyrannosaurus humans. What? Oh, man. Tyrannosaurus humans are just people with really short arms, right?

Yeah. Tyrannosaurus humans who eat too much meat so we don't get as much violent and jealous wrinkles in our face, so we age the best. I might try... Fuck. I can my trang, my trang... Fuck. I can't pronounce my own name. You're going to shout this whole thing.

I, my trang, Tai Nguyen, pronounced as Nguyen, declared and confirmed that my theory of the purpose of life for us humans is our eternal souls are students in God's school of compassion, preschool to practicing PhD, or gas to peaceful human beings through reincarnation.

Wait, wait, wait, gas? So confirmed. This has been confirmed by something. Yeah. What is happening in this writing? All right, Boots, do you want to tag John in? Yeah, I do. All right, you're up.

The reason why I, my train, Ty Wynn, pronounces Wynn, is the only human being to come up with my theory for the purpose of our lives as humans is because I carry God's heart, so that makes moi him. I have the fairest heart because I am out to protect all people and not just my Asian race.

Even though Asians are better. It's evidenced by the earlier talk and how Asian is superior. Asians are better, but she cares about lesser people, too. That's sweet of her. My small win-win family, five people, is the one unit family that all together have a love that comes closest to God. We are the dynasty of God's heart.

Only in the small win-win family can pop out a baby boy who carries God's heart because all my the small win-win family can pop out a baby who carries God's heart because all my family members are genuinely nice people. Easy going dad, nurse, mom, teacher, sister, flash, me, my brother. We all volunteers in America and we volunteer to help not to build our resumes on our jobs.

Sure, my family members argue all the time because we challenge each other with our versions of God but at the end we love each other enough to support each other's craziness because we are family, and we have never ever slapped or punched each other out when we get angry at each other. Somebody told this woman, your family's not the center of the universe, and she said

yes they are, and I can prove it. Well, I just like, I guess her concept of other families is that if anyone has an argument at all, it just fucking, I just like, I guess her concept of other families is that if anyone has an argument at all it just fucking goes, you know, WWF on each other. Yeah, pretty much that's how it gets. We never slap each other, unlike everyone else.

Who argues about their versions of God? I don't think Tyrannosaurus people could slap. This family feud is picking up heat! I don't think Tyrannosaurus people could slap each other, or punch. They have little T-Rex arms. They try, they just can't slap or punch each other out. See? Oh, okay.

This family history was pretty interesting, but I want to know if you have any more ideas. Okay. I, God, is out to promote polygamy. A 35-year-old single foreign-born Asian-American female perspective. Mostly Vietnamese blood, four drops of Chinese blood, and one drop of undetectable French blood. To protect our children, our babies, our home, planet Earth, just to make that clear, and our universe. The structure of human life must mirror the structure of our universe, or else it won't work. Because men will throw tons of atom bombs because they are forced to have one sex partner for the rest of their lives, according to the popular religious writings.

Men are more violent by nature because his penis, balls, and sperm look like animals' bullets. Gun cock does not approve. If they don't get regular sex to resource sperms, bullets, they will release it through guns, bombs, rape, etc. The structure of the universe is God is the sun and the day, Bill Gates or White Force, and the moon at night, Snoop Dogg or Black Force. What? Black Force.

The classic Snoop Dogg between Bill Gates and Snoop Dogg. Because they are the biggest objects we can see right now. And all his wives are the planets. We humans are children of one of his wives. Mother Nature or Mother

Earth? Oprah. Mother Nature or Mother Earth? Oprah in parentheses. This is important. Just so we have this clear, we have a legend. The day is represented by Bill Gates. The night is represented by Snoop Dogg.

And the earth is represented by Oprah. Excellent. Keep it in notes. Okay. All right, tapping in bunny bread. So there you go. This is relationship advice coming up next. Seduce his cock with acuteness and skankiness, but save intercourse home run for marriage and children and be understanding

and kind to his weakness as a man, his dawn by allowing him to roam around with his male friends while you stay at home and nurture your youth and brain to prepare yourself as his independent, loving future wife and mother of his children. In the meantime, but okay. Yeah. There's,

there's pluses and minuses anywhere. Sure. All right. In the meantime, while waiting for him to return, you can go dirty dancing and out on dates with other boys, and you can up to third base sex, but I'm saving myself for marriage. I get fingered by dudes pretty much every night, but I'm saving myself for marriage I get fingered by dudes pretty much every night

but I'm saving myself for marriage I have at least five UTIs at this point but but do tell other boys that your heart belongs to another man already so the other boys can respect you for not tricking them there's one thing that engenders

respect from I'm fucking you but I have a husband that's whatever that's fine There's one thing that engenders respect from guys. I'm fucking you, but I have a husband. That's whatever. That's fine. For a 35-year-old woman, I have had 20 partners already. Half of them have been sympathy sex because I felt sorry for them.

That ended differently than I thought it was going to. So I'm trying to reform my whore-ness by being a born-again virgin by saving my hot pussy, virgin asshole, and blowjob and swallowing skills for future husband and baby daddy Jim. Oh, shit. Oh, man, keep going.

For the love of God, keep going. Thinking like a son of a bitch. Oh, even though my butt is still a virgin, I will save it for my future husband slash baby daddy Jim as a gift of having a baby with me because after giving birth, my pussy will be all sore and nasty looking. That's a mess.

You could try the back end, though. This is a fixer-upper. Yeah. I don't know. Just pick whatever one doesn't look the most terrible. I'm better with a slap for this one. You can see better than me down there,

so whatever you want to do. I'm married to myself because I want to make sure that I will always be cute, hot, and loving forever, so my husband slash baby daddy Jim will always be proud of moi as his wife and baby mommy. If he'd proud of moi, he will be proud of his children with moi, and he will always protect moi and my children, biological and adopted. Winky winky winky winky winky. Does she think that's how me is spelled? She probably pronounces it moi or something.

Yeah, moi. The only reason why I'm able to lure him to follow my direction in life is because I don't need to make a baby. Ah, surprise! I've never thought that I would have a biological baby because my heart goes out to those orphans who have yet to get the love of their biological parents. So I can always adopt them along the way when I am done having fun with

myself and the population of humans is out of control. So I felt bad, you know, can you pause for a second? Cause that's a great sentence. Cause, because so, Oh God.

So she doesn't have a baby, but she has a baby daddy? No, she's just future. Future husband, baby daddy. So this guy might not even know that she plans on having a baby with him. He might just be the clerk at McDonald's

or something. I guarantee that he does. You think so? Okay. I think so? So, okay. I mean, I guess that she wants a baby daddy that bad. You know, usually people sort of just end up with them, but okay, okay. All right, I'm on board now. She swears she's kidding. That would make sense.

Okay. My old adopted Chihuahua mix dog taught moi that even though I wasn't there to raise him during his first two years, he taught you this, didn't he? I was still able to train him to have similar characteristics as moi by being his adopted mother for 12 years. So, with that being said, I want a war with my future husband, baby daddy Jim, because it's him who wants a biological baby, so he loses his control over moi and his direction in life. So, in my feministic world, ladies, the female's

greatest gift to a man is her power to give him baby. Our power to make him his own army of children so he will worship us. Without our pussies and bodies, he can't fuck and he can't make babies. I suppose she's right. Gay men have no sex. Ever.

Winky, winky, winky. And in my feministic world, men adore women. Because it will be the female, his wife, or the hot nurses in retirement homes. Oh my god, it actually says that! That wasn't true! That's the two choices. Oh my god, it actually says that! That wasn't true! Yep.

That's the two choices. I was like, that wasn't that funny of a joke. Holy shit! Who will take care of his old, slow, grumpy ass like a big baby because men dies earlier. Kind pussy power!

Kind pussy power! I'm tired of that one kind power. I'm tired of them unkind pussies. I'm going to say right now, best Care Bearer ever. I'm a kind power pussy, and I love you. Vortex, you're up. I'm up?

You got it. I got it. Is that to promote 75% to 25% partnership between two loved ones, straights, gays, transsexuals, transvestites, and lesbians? Because the 50-50 partnership in America is bullshit because it creates an unbalanced level of energies between femininity and masculinity. So wait. Because it's balanced, it's unbalanced.

So she's about to explain it. Okay, yeah, I'm sorry. By all means. It makes the female walks like a man. No swinging in her hips. Gross. Gross. And it makes a man walk like a take-it-in-the-ass

fucking bitch swinging his hips. Grosser! See, now doesn't it make sense, Lemon? Yeah, it does. In an equal partnership, the lady becomes the man and the man becomes the lady. Don't you understand this? Sure. No, that's the wrong way that it happens. No.

No, she said it. Didn't you read it? I mean, she said it. This is God here. Yeah, this is God. Baby Daddy Jim. Yeah. I swear I'm trying to understand.

I'm trying so hard. No, no, Lemon, like here, I'll give you the CliffsNotes. It should be a 75% to 25% relationship between gays because you don't want the girl to act like a girl, and you don't want the guy to act like a girl. Oh, okay, yeah, totally. Oh, okay. See? Okay.

Yeah. Just do that. Just move on. You'll figure it out It makes a female pays for her own dinner to get sex when sex is her greatest power to get dinner or money to support her children What? He's just, yeah, everybody be a hooker

Oh my god Put my kids through college and you can fuck me All women should hook for paying for their children's school clothes. Yes. Yeah. It makes the man too afraid to touch the dirt when it's his job to fix things around his castle.

Is his castle made of dirt? Yes. This is my dirt castle. This is my place. My grandma had a throw pillow on that for years. So if the relationship is equal, the guy's just like, This is my way. My grandma had a throw pillow on that for years. So the relationship is equal. The guy's just like, ew, dirt.

I'm not going to touch that. This castle's just going to be dirty. Also, I have a castle map. Meanwhile, she's bringing a school supplies list to the corner. It takes away her attention that her children needs from her being so from her so her children can go to school and become assholes to the teachers and other students because they don't get enough attention from their mothers that's why there are shootings at school because children are pissed that their mothers don't give them enough love and security when

they came out of her stomach oh oh limit you don't need to be caught up on that. No, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm totally good. So men pay for everything, especially health insurance, except for food to secure the woman, her love, and her devoted pussy. Sorry, man. I can't pay for food for the table.

I'm too busy paying for health insurance. That's how things work in America. Everybody has health insurance, but nobody has food. That's why we're all so thin. Yes, exactly. We don't need the health insurance. Oh, we're all so thin and healthy. Yes, and none of us have diabetes.

Okay, we need to eat. Somebody get the flu so we can get checked in. Moving on. And her children in his castle while setting aside some savings for him as a king of the castle in case he loses a leg or job. What the fuck?

The children are hanging out in the dirt castle, right? And he has detachable legs. This is normal. Well, Vortex, I'm very sorry to have to bring you in for this report here, but we're going to have to let your leg go. In the meantime, she works part-time at home while taking care of her children to save money for her and her children in case she cheats and dumps her. And she pays for all the food for him and their children so they don't eat too much nasty junk at fast food and will make them obese and get tons of sense.

And they will constantly have low self-esteem as adults. If he becomes obese, he won't be physically and mentally strong enough to earn money for her and her children. The king will come home to his castle more often to give his queen his hard-earned money, and his queen is cute, loving, hot, entertaining, and his children will be well-disciplined. Yes, ladies. What? Whoa!

Hot women have the best behaved children. I don't understand what I'm even reading as I'm reading it. What the fuck am I looking at? Yes, ladies, we have to work harder than men because spiritually we are higher than them. We have more responsibilities! And if you don't accept that,

spelled E-X- C-E-P-T, then you don't get married or have children unless you are ready because the feminine, straights, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, transvestites is to nurture, love, care at all costs. Or else society, taxpayers, teachers, social workers, nurses, in-laws, bartenders, etc. have to pay for your incompetency. And that's not nice when it's your children that came out of your stomach unless it's rape.

What? If you decide to get married and have children before you are ready, then all those responsibilities will make you look ugly, frumpy, unpleasant old lady because you are trying to do too many things at the same time. Unbalanced! Let's go with that word. Unbalanced. Let's take a good long look at that one.

Exclamation point. You will walk around with bitterness looking the young girls. The young girls. Looking the young girls and other pretty and successful women, and you will turn into suicide. Yeah! Alcohol, drugs, violent, two mentality to get your mind off your jealousy, hatred, and

violent. I'll turn into violent mentality to get my mind off my jealousy, hatred, and violent. Or you'll turn into suicide. Yes. No, I won't do that. I'll turn into drugs. That's why older women will always tell you

not to get married or have children unless you get your shit together. College degree, long-lasting money-making job, ability to save, savings, etc. You see, her problem is that she doesn't understand how to do a Mad Lib. When I ask for something, you don't need to put in

everything you can think of that will fit that song. Everything in capital letters. Alright, I need 16 verbs. I was like, a bad thing. Okay. Suicide, alcohol, drugs, violent mentality, jealousy, hatred, violent. Alright, Jimmy Franks?

I'm sorry, where did we leave off? And ladies. And ladies, in the near future in America, the greatest land in the world, after we say sorry to the Muslims for stealing their oil, the marriage certificate

will be outdated because God is here to tell you that if you marry the man, The marriage certificate will be outdated Because I, God Is here to tell you that if you marry the man He will fall out of love With you the minute you guys sign the marriage certificate Because he nailed you with a certificate The guys are the ones trying to trap the women into marriage

Oh come on, baby! You become old and rotten meat and he's off to admire and fantasize about another unmarried whore. And if he falls out of love with you, he won't protect you as much and he will not protect your children as much. That is why I

my Trang Tain Nguyen pronounced as Nguyen, God as much. That is why I my trang-tine-nwen pronounced as win, God is out to promote marriage with God. Same ceremony, same party, same celebration, but sign no certificate with the church, temple,

government. Because once I've had a God himself to be a wife and baby mommy to my man, I will not fuck with my promise with God because you don't fuck with God. Because God will punish you with his force of karma. Comes around, comes around. Oh. So she wants to get married, but it has to be in her religion.

Okay, okay, okay. The religion that she's God. Yeah. I'm actually kind of excited about this idea. Kind of a self-centered idea that men are the ones who are forcing marriage on women, because that really makes me rethink the entirety of Lifetime sitcom

programming. Jimmy Frank's, why do men fall in love with women? Ladies, men falls in love with the females because of her independent spirit and her kind heart, and if it takes him his whole life to chase you then he will fall in love with you forever

and not another whore. He will value you as a quality woman instead of a quality woman. Quantity. A quantity woman, yeah. It's hard to get quality woman. I will either marry this quality woman or several women.

I'm pretty sure quantity woman is like a fat joke. You're one quantity woman. Damn, bro, you got some quantity. I was thinking Siamese twins. She's got seven fingers and three breasts. A super-floss nipple.

Think of a 12-pack. It's hard to get quality woman to give up her pussy and her independence. Her favorite hobbies. Her favorite hobbies. Her pussy and her independence. My interests. Independence. My pussy.

Skydiving. Just like, honey, I'm gonna go out tonight just me. I'm just gonna go pussy for a while to wait up. But it's easy to get a quantity woman to give up her pussy and her independence. So don't use your energy to fight with quantity women. Because you will lose your sleep and sanity. And you will become ugly and grumpy in your old age.

Become ugly and grumpy in your old age,'ve noticed i love that movie with jack lemon and walter math men will always be independent pussy oh god men will always be out to find was many quantity women first to rack up the number of to satisfy his best friend, his penis, and to flaunt to his homeboys. Just imagine the My Buddy commercial and the guys walking around naked. I'm going to the bathroom with my best friend.

Let's go catch frogs in the creek, penis! Okay! But when his health begins to deteriorate, too tired to chase skirts, or begin to look ugly, this is when he will go back to pick the quantity woman that hasn't given her pussy to him in a long time and to others as his wife and the mother of his children. I think she meant quality at that point. No, no, no.

Be a quantity woman that's lucky enough to get the ugly guy after... Of course, pot! Ladies make my face stupid and black. And instead, frumpy, grumpy, bad-postured, fat old hags my age or older, but only for a short period of time and only for a celebration, but never during pregnancy. Oh, that makes sense. of time and only for a celebration, but never during pregnancy. Wink. Oh, that makes sense.

Short period is hyphenated word apparently. Because white ladies, your white men are tired of your haggard, wrinkly, unpleasant, greedy, feministic faces. It's true. It is?

He's starting to get out of this country to find third world wives if you don't listen to your new feministic whore leader. Okay, I'm listening. I'll bow down to crazy woman named Wynne. Bring me your haggard, your wrinkly,

your unfrozen, creepy, feministic faces. Rally behind cunt Guevara. The comparison between equality girl and quantity girl is like having a durable, comfortable, and hot bra for $25 instead of five $5 bras that break the first or second time you wear it. Wait, what? This is a metaphor that I can relate to. I have never heard of that happening. A bra that breaks the first time you wear it

made out of tissue paper? You didn't get that word problem on the SAT? If you use those inflation tits like I do, it doesn't break them pretty fast. A quality woman produces quality children. Wink. Get it? Oh, I get it.

No. No, I don't get it. Well, somebody else take over. I can't do this anymore. Jack. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, ladies, straight gays, lesbians, transsexuals, and restites, I have one eye lift surgery when I was 18 as a graduation gift because I admire the white girl's beauty of having an extra line above her eyes because it was easier for me to do my Egyptian eyeliner look on my new eyes than my old eyes. In the past, I cheated in relationships when I was younger because I didn't think about karma then, but I confessed to all my cheatings to all my ex-boyfriends.

I had two abortions from 21 to 22 with the same two-year relationship boyfriend. Those are my minor flaws as a human, but it brought me to the strong woman I am now, so I can have the answers to questions that my future children will have me or ask that won't look up to moi as your mother. If they don't look up to me as their mother, they will go off

on the streets to find another mother. Is that... Is that what all the streetwalkers are looking for? Are you my mommy? Need a date is just their way of saying are you my mommy yes i have never stolen any in relationship men or married men from any ladies but i have been in lust and fond of the right in relationship men and a married man before but

i've never stolen them away from their partners okay what you have a female lesbian transsexual transvestite female friends straights gays lesbians transsexuals, transvestites, but my female friends, straights, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, transvestites, I've always backed that process. I only hang out alone because I may be myself and my own best friends, and God, of course, but the temperament of your biological clocks is very unpleasant to be with ladies. Yeah, that's why you're alone. I've never

stolen guys who are already married. Well, she's such a catch. You know, I'm just surprised. It's amazing. I came to America in 1984 at 10 as a refugee because of the Vietnam War by escaping the country on a boat with my family. My dad was drafted as a Southern Vietnamese soldier, and he was jailed for two years when the war ended

in 1975, so my mom has to take care of us as a single mother for a period of our lives. I've never been engaged or married. I bought my own two-dendron condo in South San Francisco. Oh, God, she lives near me. Oh, Jack, you can go find her. You live near God. Congratulations.

Property values just shot up. I'm going to go investigate that hot pussy. Hey, I bet you want a quality woman. Just remember my last name. Her last name is pronounced Wynne. Go for it. Good call. Find the one named Wynne in San Francisco. Yeah, exactly. I'm on my own two-bedroom condo in south san francisco when i turned just 25

without my parents help because i couldn't find an apartment in san francisco yeah i think her parents had something to do with i mean they gave birth to her i have i have been to around 12 to 15 countries in my own expenses i have a bachelor's degree in advertising with a minor in marketing from San Jose State University and social studies teaching credential from San Francisco State University. I used to work at – This is her resume. Infoseek.com and women.com before I became a substitute teacher in Oakland for 2.5 years and an American history slash computer typing slash accounting teacher at El Camino High in South San Francisco for two months. After teaching, I opened my own nonprofit in-house business for tutoring and babysitting.

After babysitting, I took a job at Starbucks as a barista working at least 20 hours a week to get full health benefits for me and my future husband and children with a very small price. Now I'm living off my 401k plan, using my own free time fighting with my civil rights by suing Starbucks Coffee Corporation on my own with no lawyer for $250 million against the legal back of the gay slash lesbian management team at Starbucks on Union and Laguna Streets during the time which I used to work for his briefs for eight months.

It's reverse discrimination against who I represent as a human, a single, straight, Asian American female. Cheers to kind, feminine power, ladies. And together with our hearts, cuteness, and hotness, we will make this world a fun and safer place for our children to grow up in. Adios. God.

Bye-bye. My lawsuit is that she's being discriminated against because she's hot and straight. And Asian-American. And a female. She's a female, which could mean she's straight, gay, transsexual, transvestite.

Anyway, well, thanks. Thanks, God. Yes. You know, you really should check out her MySpace page. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a giant block of text. There is a PS

and a PSS and a capital PSS. PS, by the way, kids, as a credentialed social studies teacher of California, I've discovered in the American History textbook at El Camino High School in South San Francisco that the first people to set foot in the Americans are the Asians

who followed the mammoths for food during the Ice Age. However, after the ice bridge melted because of the Earth's weather getting warmer, they settled here. So this land belongs to the Asians, for they are the ancestors of all the indigenous people of Canada, America, and Latin America. If you pay attention by studying the looks of the really, really

indigenous people of the Americas, with very little white blood, they are all short and have chinky eyes, winky face, and indigenous people are kinder at heart, just like the Asians, winky face. PPS, porn video. PPS porn video. PPS.

PSS. Porn video will be released for free to my favorite fans when I get married, and it will document our honeymoon night. Oh, Jesus. Finally, the word gets to see how God himself fucks by living in a little skanky Asian female body. Hot. Winky face. Oh, man.

PSS. Oh, damn it. I'm 5'3.5 and I weight 140 pounds. I have a lot of muscle mass for a semi-midget. My bra size is 33. Semi-midget? And pant size is 2 to 8, depending on how much food my master, my stomach, has on that day. There's an awful lot of pictures of her slouching and pouting.

I'm guessing she thinks that's sultry. So on who I'd like to meet on her MySpace. People who are willing to pay moi to open my mouth because my mouth ain't going to open unless it's 25 million dollars for an interview that I only do once a year because I am a money whore. an interview that I only do once a year because I am a money whore. Money protects Ma and my children, and I want a billion children via adoption of full college and traveling scholarships because I don't want pregnancy and having children around

Ma to ruin my new hot fat body got fat thanks to Starbucks crippleness unless I fall madly in love with someone who is worth wasting my hot fat body to make babies with. They said there's too much caffeine in your bloodstream and the lack of real spice in your life. fat body to make babies with. Next up, Star Trek slash fiction with possibly the most erotic sentence ever

written. Jimmy Franks? He stripped and waited, his cock arching upwards, throbbing in horny anticipation. Wesley began soaping. He soaped his arms and chest. Then he soaped his cock and reached around to soap his ass. Then he reached down to soap up his legs. That was the moment Will had been waiting for.

And he entered the shower. Surprise! Riker said as he boned young Wesley up the ass. Yes! Surprise! Surprise! And then all the lights came on, and it turned out it was like his

birthday party. That would be the best birthday party ever. This is how it works on the Enterprise. This is the best audiobook ever. Okay. Jeez. Hey, hey, fuck, ow! What the fuck is going on?

Wesley yelled. Just relax. You'll get used to it and enjoy it. Riker commanded is that like an official command like is he not allowed to he is a superior officer so yes

you wouldn't want to get a court martial when the first mate of the ship is boning you up the ass in the shower surprise it might be a dishonorable discharge he used the communicator. Jimmy! Jimmy! I like it.

Because any movement was a bit painful, Wesley complied. The huge cock was going in and out, and he bent over to make entry easier. But he was beginning to enjoy the stimulation of the huge column of meat rubbing against his prostate.

Oh, my God. Column of meat. Huge column of meat. Does that mean he has a vertical dick or something? It's actually attached to the ceiling. Surprise. Oh, such a big cock. Wesley grunted.

Yeah, it's nine and a half inches long. Just bend over farther and I'll get deeper penetration, Riker said. If you think that's big, you should see Picard's. Of course, he only goes for women. But if he ever changes his mind, don't let him show you what he calls the Captain's Log. Oh. Wop. Oh.

Captain's Log. That's pretty funny. Not only are you a good fuck, but you have a sense of humor. I find that rare in a man, Wesley said. Is he saying this wild as a giant cock in his ass? Oh Riker

Oh Riker You are a card It's so rare I can find a man Who can pun and rape me The way Jimmy was reading it It made it sound like Wesley was so annoyed That he was just being sarcastic At that point

That's so funny. Oh boy, I've got a nine and a half inch cock up my ass again. Oh boy, this sure is fun. You're an awesome fuck, Riker. Boy, howdy, I've never had such a huge nine and a half inch cock up my ass before.

I'll bend over so you can get deep penetration. Stop it. Grabbing Wesley's hips, Riker thrust hard and deep, squirting his cum up Wesley's ass. Arrgh!

Riker grunted as he pushed into the limit. Oh god. I'm sorry, what? Keep going. After the cum subsided, Riker showered off and left Wesley collapsed, keep going. After the cum subsided, Riker showered off and left Wesley collapsed on the floor. After the flood.

After the flood levels ran down. He fucked him into a coma, I guess. He just collapsed like one of those little wooden puppets or something. Some of the cum hit his ear. To be fair. Wiz's dick was hard again, but he was too exhausted to do anything about it at the moment.

Slowly he got up and hobbled out of the shower. He put his pajamas back on and got into bed. His dick was sticking up and he wished for Tasha or his friend to suck it. But he didn't want to cum too much today. Of course not.

I'll let it build up for a day or two, then get it sucked, he thought to himself. But who will do it? To be continued? Shit, that's... If you think Tasha should suck his dick,

please turn to page 23. If you think self-reliance should suck his dick... Text the number of the person you want to suck Wesley's dick. The last chapter of this Agatha Christie book is totally missing. That's a better cliffhanger than the Locutus episode. Oh, don't do it. This is the lady or the tiger of Star Trek great fiction.

And then what we have here actually isn't fan fiction. It's just pieces of fan fiction. This is all due to Portex, who just decided to scour the internet for terrible fan fiction, take a single sentence or paragraph, I suppose, out of it, and collect them all together in one giant document. And that's what we decided to tackle here. He needed to choose a whore for his monthly breeding.

This was a requirement with all Japanese samurai vampires. This really makes you wonder. It really does make you wonder. Think about it, won't you? Thank you. I like when the author breaks the fourth wall in the last sentence there.

Really makes you wonder. Funny bread? The more you know. Problematic as the three H's were, however, they paled beside another fruit that returned its summer turn to fall. Suddenly, it occurred that a fourth H might be added to the list. An H that could have stood for honey or for husty, but either

way stood for hunter. I don't know. That was well written. I thought it would make sense in the end. I'm assuming they're talking about Left 4 Dead hunters because there's a surprising amount of porn of Left 4 Dead hunters fucking surviving.

Not surprising enough. I've always wondered, when a fish dies naturally, what happens to it? Does it just naturally float up to the surface? Does it shimmer in the light as the sun bounces off its scales? Or do the scales fall off one by solitary

one, and leave the fish a faceless heap of fish? It's magic. It really makes you wonder. Its magic is surely gone by then. The scales hold all the fish's beauty, but it's proven. Maybe the fish sinks to the bottom, like a demon.

Oh. Like a demon. Demons are very buoyant. Jimmy Franks? Yeah. Her grip are very buoyant. Jimmy Franks? Yeah. Her grip is almost too tight. The ridge of calluses snag his tender flesh. She's sloppy wet, and he's positive the slick wet squish can be heard all the way at the other end of the tunnel.

Slick wet squish is all one word for something. Wasn't that an album by Soundgarden or something? Slick wet squish! Like Wet Squish! She was like grapes. The sun was so bright, and it seemed so proud to stand in the window. Grapes? The kind that when they're pulled back,

and the sun hits them just right, the light dances up and down their lustrous length. Pirouetting in leaping grace, sleep gleaming and reflecting the most passionate strands that just wait to be illuminated, but to be brought to life. But most people have their drapes closed. Their true function. Ignorant and shut tight, they're really meant to block out the sole thing that makes them so beautiful.

And she was like them. I can't wait for R. Kelly's new song, She Was Like Drapes. Damn it, I want to do shit. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just glad somebody's making fanfiction. I'm just glad somebody's making fan fiction for metaphors that don't really work.

You remind me of something, but I can't remember what it is. Alright, poor Tex. Walter tastes like salty pineapple. I've never had salty pineapple before, but if I ever have it, this is what I expect it to taste like. Thank you, Shady Rudy. There's somebody handing her some salty pineapple and going,

Oh, it's Walter! Salty pineapple tastes like Walter. I've never had Walter before. Oh, Walter. Okay. I said nothing I believed to be untrue, said Spock primly. He hesitates for a moment, then adds, it was also brought

to my attention that after marooning you on an ice planet and attempting to strangle you to death, failing to speak out for your defense would make me, in the popular vernacular, a douche. Spock said that all the time, I think. Guys, this line is really important.

Her toes were snails. They were snails with shells of tears. Now, I have to point out I have to interject this. I actually tried to find the original fanfiction this was supposedly from.

Turns out that line was actually published in a book. Oh, good. Yeah, that was published. That looks like Stephanie Myers writing right there. Yeah. Jimmy Franks? Yep.

It's alright, John says. Hush now. Come on. Let's get some dick in ya. That right there is gonna be in a video game cutscene. Who's reading transcripts of what I actually say in real life? Come on. Push now.

Come on. Let's get some dick in you. It's F plus fan fiction. I love that voice. Good old fashioned dick. Clark reached down and pressed Lex's fingers to the right spot. Here. Feel that bump?

That feels really good when I press it. Your prostate gland. Lex theorized in velvet tones as he continued stroking. You have a primary penis for expelling liquid waste. The scrotum, for want of a better word, produces a natural and tasty lubricant. Clark made a face at that. Lex continued, then you have a secondary penis

for sexual activity that is both lengthy and limpid. He noticed that the front penis had retracted somewhat as the secondary penis had extended. Not that I'm a size queen, but I love your sex penis. Not that I'm a size queen, but I love your sex penis.

Again, not that I'm a size queen, but I love your sex penis. That has to go up to turn. Yes, remind me to turn. We love your sex penis. I heart your sex penis. Oh, fuck, that would be a t-shirt. Yes. Oh, yeah, I'd wear that in public.

I found the original for that fanfiction, too, if you wish to. I might do stickers. I might do I heart your sex penis stickers. It's going on something, regardless. Alright, Jack, that one's yours. I looked in the mirror, and my hair was all red. and my hair was all red

but my hair isn't red it was blood I'm guessing that this line was posted on some sort of fanfiction forum or something or no, yeah, when they're posting a fanfiction description for it fandom, yeah, when they're posting a fan fiction description for it.

Fandom, Peanuts, Perry, Charlie Brown slash Linus Van Pelt. Rating, PG-13. Word count, 1,232. Warnings, blanket abuse. Okay, okay, summary. If that's one of

your triggers, so just watch out, there's a blanket apiece Summary Linus discovers that you don't always need a blanket to feel safe Aww I feel better now No, it makes you feel safer Butt sex Surprise!

John is cock hungry It's a little weird He's so very, very cock hungry. Again, why are we reading from my autobiography? You wrote about yourself in the third person? I have my needs.

It's weird. He writes so very, very much in the third person. I'm so very, very third person hungry. Alright. Alright. Alright. Don't read ahead. Okay. He leaned into Napoleon

again, rubbing against him like a cat. A cat with a half-engorged penis! Oh, snap. I don't like that cat. I really don't. That darn cat. That darn cat's half-engorged penis.

This next one, is that even a section? Is that just a request? Okay, yeah, this next one is a post, I guess, in some sort of fan fiction forum where someone had read a fan fiction about the actors from Supernatural, and they couldn't find it, so they wanted someone to find it for them. So have fun reading that. This is a request. Oh, it's me.

Okay. Baby arm. I read a fic where Dean was cursed and ended up with one baby arm. I read a fict where Dean was cursed and ended up with one baby arm. Sam was really turned on because when Dean held Sam's penis in his baby arm, it made Sammy's penis look gigantic. I cannot find it anywhere. Thanks. Oh, my God.

The internet has failed us all. I wish I had bookmarked that. Well, that's really a national treasure. I tried to find it as well for our purposes. I could not. Jack? Well, butter my ass and call me dessert, said Rodney, flipping his eyelids at McKay.

Oh, Nixon. Oh, poor Tux, you are so lucky right now. Oh, I get this one. Wait, wait. Everyone shut up. Okay, I'm just going to mute my mic for a second. I think everybody's going to need to mute. They did all the positions.

Doggy, on top, and normal. Then a hellby stayed them. Ha ha ha ha! It's like, it's fanfic CliffsNotes. You just don't need to read all those pages. There you go. Normal is my favorite, I think.

You want to do it normal? I don't know what on top is as a sexual position. They're both on top. They're endlessly rolling in a circle. Which one is normal? That's the entirety of the sexual possessions that they know? Doggy, on top, and normal. And normal!

Time for the Hellbeast. The Hellbeast, Tatum! It's the Wasp Kama Sutra. Just three pages. This guy can't get a job as a porno director at all. Guys, do it normal! No, I said normal. Oh, God. Have you ever even had sex before?

Have you ever had normal? Got a room full of virgin in this porno set. Is this the... someone describing their idea for a... I'm pretty sure this is actually in a fan fiction. Oh, this is what's located in, okay.

All right. That makes it better. All right, good. I'm going to have to mute again. Keep it together, John. Keep it together. You're a champion. Okay, go ahead.

I don't want to spoil it. Okay. Oxo basically is like this. You are at a friend's house For like a night or whatever And then you guys are making out on the couch Yeah And then like her dad calls on the phone

And says No I she likes it more If you use the other hand Yeah Yeah And you're like oh dude your dad is trying to give me advice on how to diddle you

and then she's like I don't have a dad or whatever what? who was phone? who was phone indeed coming this summer who was phone indeed? Coming this summer, who was phone?

Oh, you don't want Brent to read ghost stories. He barely does a very good job. No, I got a good one! Guys, who was phone? Oh. Alright, FunnyBread. Well, don't knock it until you

tried it. Or you can't. Because he's mine. You will have to make do with an inferior tongue. I make no claims about the standard of my ass. What? I don't know. There are so many more of these, but these are like the favorite ones that I picked out.

Oh, these are my favorites. I can find more at a later date. These are a few of my favorite things. On top and normal. Don't know me, I can get a bit crazy. Have to get my way. This is something that somebody submitted about Miley Cyrus getting a tattoo. As long as people know that tattoos cause cancer, birth defects, damage the immune system made out of heavy metals, organic dyes that are all cancer causing. Oh.

The tattoo gun permanently damages the skin, and the toxic chemicals damage the lymph, liver, and blood, but as long as people accept the damage they do. Yoda, did Yoda write this? It's the damage they do. Why not? Google tattoo cancer

lymphadenopathy, et cetera, cutting open the skin and injecting chemicals into the body isn't natural, safe, or healthy. But what about heroin? Google tattoo cancer. Google Ron Paul. So before anyone says it isn't true, Google tattoo lymphadenopathy, or go to Wikipedia and look up tattoo ink and it has valid references e.g. in California, Proposition

65 requires that Californians be warned before exposure to certain harmful chemicals. Tattoo parlors in California must warn their patrons that tattoo inks contain heavy metals known to cause cancer, birth defects, and other reproductive harm.

There are thousands of kids who I've watched Miley grow up over the years and see her as a good role model. It's hard for conservative parents to raise their kids how they want. Not here, kids. Raise their kids. Yeah, not here, there. Raise their kids how they want when society pushes them to think it's okay to do whatever they feel. they want when society pushes them to think it's okay to do whatever they feel. Please, Miley,

don't be another bad example of a child star gone bad. Britanny Spears. You rock to hell with everyone that don't agree, plus your dad is cool. What? Yeah, I don't think those are the

same person. Yeah, that was a different comment. Oh, I'm sorry. Jack, just take that last one there. I used to be a biffing fan of her, but after she did the wild thing, I stopped being a fan, and now she has two tattoos! See what happens? When that person's not a fan of you, you end up with two tattoos on you.

That's exactly right. Well, that's because she did the wild thing. You're so wonderful I adore you And there we go. Content made possible by our listeners. And hey, you're a listener. And if that means you want to submit your own content, you can do so on the website. That's thefpl.us. If you feel like leaving comments on your favorite episode or promoting an episode on Facebook

or if you have a new thing where you can submit a slogan, all those things, I'm sure we'd appreciate it. But regardless, you're listening, and that's the important thing. Until next time, I've been Lemon, and you've got some kind pussy power. Ever so accommodating, Merlin moaned. Less talk, more action. Arthur gasped as two fingers slid inside of him.

My liege, my king, Merlin said mockingly. My arse, your cock, Arthur demanded. I like how it started Shakespearean, but then it gradually descends into face down, ass up. It won't get better from there. Fairly. That does be the way we like to fuck.