The F Plus - 369: Destroy Weak Men

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

In 1996, Diana The Valkyrie set up a website using raw HTML and her own computer in order to provide erotica for people who like the idea of strong women crushing weak men. And now, 25 years later, there's an entire library of material, plenty of it absolutely horrific... If you're new to The F Plus, just be aware this one gets pretty brutal pretty quickly. This week, Kathy Lee Hulks Out, so just like... prepare yourself emotionally for that.

I'm gonna stab you with the knives and my leg scissors. Welcome, worm, to the F Plus Podcast. It's a great place, you're terrible, and we're gonna read things with enthusiasm. And we've got Boots Rangier. The power of titnosis. Jimmy Franks. That's a-a-some-a-a-sore-a-meat-to-balls. Frank West.

Flowjack's women are very big and very powerful. We've got Zarla. Stories about a woman who can only have an orgasm if she is killing a man with her powerful leg scissors. She is a tragic person, a serial killer, and a complete psychopath. And Dijon DuJour. She's Spanx.com, WhatSquish.com, Kosanos.com, and KarateDom.com. And Lemon. Fuck!

He screamed, beating the bed with his hands, biting the bed sheet neck at me. Lego, I'm a fucking dick! Hey, F+. Hi, Lemon. Hi, Lemon. Hey, do all of you feel strong? Like, emotionally?

Spiritually? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. As of this recording, it is January of 2022. There's no way you feel emotionally strong. No way at all. Zarla, if you told me, yes, I do feel emotionally strong, I would have you committed to this. I'm feeling the best

I've ever felt, Lemon. Lemon, I am feeling physically strong. Okay. You are not physically strong, Boots. You're not physically strong. Jimmy Franks, you are not physically strong. Frank West, we know. No need to ask.

But, Zarla, Zarla, things are looking up for you. The document that I have in front of us is one that I got a while ago, and I've been sort of vying for for quite a number of recordings now. The title of this document is Diana the Valkyrie Likes Fast Gifts, Slow Dancing, and Weak Men Being Crushed to Death by Strong Female Bodybuilders.

Well, who doesn't, honestly? strong female bodybuilders. Well, who doesn't, honestly? This was one given to us by Sinestro and Ludwig Tickenstein. Very appropriate name document confluence there. And as somebody that does websites professionally,

I am in love. In love. I am in love with www.thevalkyrie.com It was Not only was it written in notepad But just somebody opened up notepad And like wrote erotic fiction And then threw a couple p-tags

And then hit save Awesome It's purest form Definitely it's purest form It's definitely similar to the website I made in 1996. It's great. There's a bunch of different translations for this website. Different translations will have different pornography on them.

So that's really cool. There's so much about this that is really cool. So what I'm going to say to you is, okay, this is not a porn site. Really? It is a fantasy site for adults. And if you don't like any of the fantasies here, the stories, the artwork, the pictures, then that's fine. Have a nice day. Cheerio.

I use as my criterion, which is incorrect because criterion is the singular. Anyway. Oh, wait, maybe there's only one criteria. Okay. I use as my criterion, which is incorrect because criterion is the singular. Anyway. Oh, wait. Maybe there's only one criteria. Okay. I use as my criterion the standards that prevail in the UK, which is where I live. Okay. That's fair.

No, she did use criterion correctly. I take that back. I'm so sorry, Diana DeValkyrie. Please crush me with your foot. Our low-end daily newspapers have a daily naked lady, and it's no big deal. And over 30 years ago, the Lady Chatterley's Lover court case established that you can use the word fuck in literature. People get killed in the movies and on TV all the time. Our society allows violence in fiction.

But it is an adult site. The facts and fantasies here are not aimed at children. Well, maybe not. Wonder Woman is here. That's a weird thing to be coy about, but go on. But she does things you wouldn't read about in the comic books. So what is this site about? A fetish? No, that's not right.

Not if you look up the word in the dictionary. It's about a preference. a fantasy, a fancy. Some people like tall partners, some short, some like short hair, some like long, some like partners with pink skin, some like brown. All these people simply have preferences, and they are entitled to them. Somewhere on the web, there is probably a website for people who adore redheads. That's cute. Lefthanders.

Noblinies. Good luck to them. This site is for Valkyries and the people who fancy them. So what is a Valkyrie? It all started with Norse legends. The Valkyries were daughters of Odin, who would visit battlefields and bring dead heroes to life and carry them on their wicked horses up to Valhalla. Then he'd stay. What do you mean, Frakes?

I didn't know you came from the land of ice and snow. All this was to get them ready for Ragnarok, the final battle at the end of the world. You can read more about it if you like. Then came Wagner. We don't need to talk about that. The U.S. Air Force had an experimental plane called the Valkyrie. The end. What?

That's a bit of a tangent. I also think that plane is hot, by the way. No, no, this is the entire paragraph. The U.S. Air Force had an experimental plane called the Valkyrie, and Honda makes a motorcycle called the Valkyrie. I want those to crush me, too. Sometimes the Valkyrie needs food badly. So, do you just lay claim to the one gauntlet joke, then?

Yeah, I got it in first. I win. Winner is you. Then along came Diana the Valkyrie. I started a legend that existed and I added to it. I hang out on AOL sometimes. I don't want to brag. The legend.

A Valkyrie is strong but gentle. She hates hurting men, but will if necessary, either to protect someone she loves or for his own good. No. She's badly affected by a man crying, even if the crying is inside him where no one but the Valkyrie can see it. She's very good

at knowing when a man is in pain and very good at comforting him. I'm just going to swipe right here. I stomped on your foot and I have this feeling that you're in pain. Am I right? We don't usually do this, but would you mind filling out this questionnaire of why you swiped right to the hand of the valet?

Because I cry a lot and I need a lot of comforting. I have internal crying and it's nice that she can notice that, because it's a serious medical issue. You swipe right, and it puts the card back and goes, are you sure? Okay, so how to join this website. This membership is so the Valkyrie can look after you. If you join the club, you get more than that.

If you don't, especially if you're at the higher levels of membership, I need a T1 line to connect to this website to take the hits. Oh, she's running it off her own computer. Wow. The cost has to come from somewhere, and then she starts talking about really fucking old technology for a while. That's great. So standard members, that's $5

a month, billed quarterly in advance, $15 per quarter because credit card companies don't like small amounts, like $5. And if you're a standard member, you don't get access to the audio area, which has a little icon. You don't get access to the Valkyrie channel.

And you should sign up. But if you're a silver member, that's $10 a month. You're going to get access to some movies, AVI's, MOV's, and MPEGs. Wow, the choice. No RM files? No. And interestingly, no RM files.

But I do actually say they're very popular. But there's a limitation with web TVs. Oh, wow. Right back to the 90s. Silver members will get access to Diana the Valkyrie's

chat room, but still no access to the audio area or the Valkyrie channel. Ah, yes, 1996, really the golden age of video on the internet. Yeah. Fuck you, Disney Plus. I was here first. The slideshow AVI that was about 100 by 100 pixels.

I'm not going to put this on my 25 gig hard drive. Dijon, what did you just find? It's the forum for changing the credit card details with Diana the Valkyrie. And the credit card option is like, there's arrows. And it's presented like it's a larger list. But there's only two options. Well, I can tell you that what you're looking at there is, it's called a, in HTML terms, it's called a multi-select.

So therefore, if I have a credit card that's both Visa and Master there is, it's called an HTML term, it's called a multi-select. So therefore, if I have a credit card that's both Visa and MasterCard, it'll support that. Anyway, so the gold members, you get your own web space for your own homepage, which is up to 25 megabytes.

Wow. You can use it for whatever you like, if you ask me, and it's appropriate. You can use FTP. That's like 18 floppy disks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You still don't get access to the audio area.

You still don't get access to the Valkyrie channel. Wow, what's in those? Okay, so the Valkyrie channel is What's in those? Okay, so the Valkyrie channel is the streaming video, a video that starts to play shortly after you click on it. To watch the Valkyrie channel,

you need to have silver audio membership of the website or gold audio or platinum. Please say real media. Please say real media. Come on.

I will mention that if you only have a 56K modem, you'll find the quality of this disappointing. Oh, that's why I'm disappointed with this. All this money. So that's some of the things that are available here on Diana the Valkyrie. And of course, Sinestro and Ludwig Tickenstein compiled this document. Didn't provide us with all the pornography, but we do have some erotic fiction. So I think...

Wait, hold on a second. You said that like it was definitively erotic fiction. Okay, you're right. You're right, actually. In the document, it is actually called erotic fiction. So, Jimmy Franks, if you'll just start us off here with this piece called Hairy Situation I am Kandor

and my story is titled Hairy Situation Nancy wasn't fond of shaving in the winter, or the summer for that matter, or ever The big raw bone auburn fond of shaving in the winter, or the summer for that matter, or ever! The big, raw-boned, auburn-haired Amazon was six feet of thick woman.

Thick, hairy woman, with legs long and muscular and covered with a thick blanket of dark hair. Some men loved it! I'm on a candor's page right now

on Diana the Velcro and you know most authors don't elect to having themselves crushed by a woman's butt as their author photo

and that's because most authors are cowards wow he's gonna blaze a new trail wow yeah he's

yep he's crushing his head so hard his hair fell off yeah yeah yeah from he's just He's vapor locked in there I will say

I think Stephen King did do that once too One of the first things It says on Kandora's page Is January 30th, 2000 Double scissored into jerking off Listen to the story You know what After seeing that picture I believe it It's got to do with research double scissored into jerking off. Listen to the story. You know what?

After seeing that picture, I believe it. It's got to do with research. He died doing what he loved. I'm sorry. I interrupted. I apologize. That's fine. Let's see.

This is a thick-haired woman with legs long and muscular and covered with a thick blanket of dark hair. Some men loved it. Some didn't. She didn't care either way. She got her rocks off on them all. Ronnie was screaming in pain right now, but Nancy barely heard him. He was face down in her legs,

the back of his head tucked into the folds of her extremely hairy pussy, his hands pawing at the thick gams that held him tight. Gams? I got some of those gams, man. Hey, 23-seat guru, you know, with your gams. You hairy pussy. It was their first date.

They'd gone back to his place, and Nancy had crossed her long legs, her slacks riding up above her low black socks, and this profusion of female leg hair was visible to Ronnie's stunned eyes. Fusion? He tried to talk his way out of anything else. Tried to get her to leave, but she smiled and wouldn't budge. I take it you don't like hairy women. said, pulling up her pant leg to show off even more of her hairy shin.

Then shedding her top to sit in bra, putting her hands above her head to exhibit an explosion of pit hair. Pow! Well, do you? Oh, well, quite honestly, no. We should leave.

Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen. Ronnie said nervously. Nancy stood and peeled off her pants to stand in socks, shoes, panties, and bra. And Ronnie's eyes plugged out in all that hair, especially on her lower legs. She approached him. He was smaller than she. It would be easy. And it was.

Wait, am I Nancy? Yeah. Okay. You're going under the knife, Ronnie. And I don't mean surgery. I mean the knife of these scissoring legs. Nancy, I have a question about your metaphor. Uh-huh.

So your legs are scissors. I got that. I got that. What's the knife of a scissors? So like a scissors. I got that. I got that. What's the knife of a scissors? So, like... Scissors are just two knives. I guess. I didn't really think about it that much.

She screamed at him, and seconds later was on the couch, seated her iron legs on him for straight head scissors, her big thighs bulging muscularly over his skull her hairy calves locked and socked before his agonized eyes Nancy pulled back on his chin making it feel like she'd separate his head from his shoulders as she put on a frightful squeeze

curling her lip in a sneer she began a vibrator scissors quivering her giant thighs slamming that honky hairy meat against his face. Feel those hairy calves, fucker. Feel them.

She growled down at him as her thighs continued their deadly dance against his face. Put your hands there on my shins under those socks, up my thighs. Feel all that fucking hair. So erotic.

I love this dialogue. She squeezed him so hard in one gigantic hip snappingsnapping, thigh-thundering thrust that he passed out cold. Oh dear. She laughed and moved her legs down for a body scissors from behind and bent his moaning head back for a reverse face lock. His nose and his mouth lost in the furry mulch of her sweating armpit. I'm having trouble picturing this. I guess that's a gift in disguise. Just imagining this lady looking like she's made out of

those big scrubbing rollers that they have in car washes. He's just sort of going through them. Like Cousin It. When he awoke, only his eyes were visible in Nancy's lock, and they showed fear. She laughed and squeezed both hold, nearly busting his ribs in her legs. Sniff it. She hissed. Sniff that fucking sweaty pit Yeah, that's it

Now, tongue it Bop it I want to feel your tongue In my hairy armpit I want you to suck the stink From it Oh man, cross punk Cross punk is my favorite genre.

He had to obey as Nancy's punishing thighs continued to painfully bend his ribs inward. He screamed and cried and licked and sucked until she was satisfied. Letting him go,

she spun him to face her and rammed his face into her pantied pussy. Go show me that pantied pussy! But even with the panties on, it did nothing to hide the rampant profusion of cunt hair. Thick tufts of it blossomed around the panty edge and ran down her inner thighs. Jimmy Franks, do you mind if I scroll up for just a sec here? Please do.

A Valkyrie is strong, but gentle. She hates hurting men, but will if necessary. This is necessary. You don't understand. It's only because he didn't like it, so he has to like it. This man has the codes to disarm the ball.

Smell me. She growled, using his ears to mash his face deeper into her pussy after pulling the panties aside. See if you can get the... Ooh. Okay. See if you can get to the meat of my cunt through that hair. Smell my

cunt! First of all, I'm pretty sure he is, lady. Joss Whedon, you've done it again! Another blockbuster. This is what feminism looks like to me, Joss Whedon.

Sexism is over. Ronnie inhaled a gag on the sweet, pungent, cheesy stench of Nancy's unwashed cunt. She's got meat in there. She's got meat in there. She's got cheese in there. Is this lady a chicken cordon bleu? It's a charcuterie board. So what did you, the listener, think you were going to hear when you hit play? Oh, man.

All right. He sniffed again, driven to do so by the relentless crush of the Amazon's huge thighs. He feared what was coming next. So did we. Nancy reached in, spread her gamey pussy lips, and showed him a pussy. Sweaty, thick, with old gum and dirt, reeking to high heaven. You know, I mean, if you're used to only having farmed pussy...

He nearly puked, but she scissored him hard. Cool. That would make him feel better, surely. You throw up in... Do I have to read this? Yes. You throw up in there. You not only eat it out, you die.

Same time. She barked. A few guys have done that. The last one ended up with a busted jaw and a skull fracture. Now fucking eat me. Eat that hairy gash. You know, Jimmy Franks, you are the one that's in control of skipping, if you feel like it. I just want to find out what happened.

Oh, okay. Fair enough. I don't know if I like that or if I have to protect. I'm invested in these characters. Ronnie cried and obeyed, slicing his tongue into the cheesy folds of Nancy's demanding cunt. She roared and hammered her thighs on his head, urging him to eat deeper. Still, until she came with the brutal flex of her hairy giant legs. He passed out cold.

Yay! The end. I don't think Valkyries are very nice. Oh no, there's more. I think they were lying. When he awoke, the big woman was perched on his chest, spreading her pimply ass halves.

Ass halves. Ass halves. Come on down to Kroger! The thickly what? Spreading her pimply ass halves, showing him the thickly vegetated ring of her asshole. Put your nose inside that. She growled, moving back to impale her greasy shit ring onto his nose.

Smell my asshole. Oh, no. Oh, no. There is a great pair of words in this next paragraph. It's really good. Oh, my God. Ronnie obeyed and gagged again the stench from her aromatic hairy bunger nearly choking him

I love bugs Then she moved up a bit more and positioned her hirsute shit shoot Nailed it That's poetry bit more and positioned her hirsute shitshoot on his neck. Nailed it. That's poetry. Nailed it.

That one actually physically hurt my neck. Oh god. Hirsute shitshoot. Are you also in a headlock? Yes, but I have to do it to myself. Real difficult. All right. Lap it.

She growled. Bop it. Put your tongue out and lap it. That's it. Nice, broad strokes. Really work that hair. Make me wet. Now point it.

Point your tongue and slice it through the matted hair. And right up my asshole. Yes. Boots, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I try not to give notes to the cast. It's very important. But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I do have one note. What's that? Bob Ross. No. I mean, yes. I mean, yes, but no. That's so disrespectful to Bob Ross.

Well, there was a man who knew how to Not just do his own headlock But to teach other people how to do it The joy of headlocks had to be shared Anybody could do it Tell him fuck me harder Harder I want your whole face up my fat hairy ass

And that's what it felt like Like his face You're probably wondering how I ended up here. That's me! And that's what it felt like. Like his face was disappearing of the widening hams of Nancy's commanding ass meat.

She rode him hard and wet, fucking his tongue and mouth with her hairy shitter until she came again. Wizard hairy shitter. Then stretching out her legs, she took his face deep into her furry can in a reverse face scissors. Judges, is that allowed? You're going out, sucker.

And when you come to, You're licking some leg hair Oh no, don't make me lick leg hair She screamed, thundering her huge hairy thighs On him until he blacked out Again What? She's unconscious like five times Yeah, call an ambulance.

When he awoke, he was caught by the neck in her thick, fuzzy calves. She pulled his face to the side. Lick it. She hissed. Lick that calf meat. Lick all that fucking hair on that calf. That shit. Lick or I'll scissor your fucking head off.

I want to see you actually scissor his head off. I've got a hostage situation now. Ron obeyed, crying as his tongue scraped through and over Nancy's copious leg fur until it shone with his efforts. All the while, the big woman was frigging her tireless twat with four fingers.

As she came, she scissored her hairy legs hard around his neck, knocking him out again! That's fine. Probably experiencing brain damage from the oxygen loss. This man is not able to do conscious

thought anymore. It would be like he had a line in like eight paragraphs. He had one line and that was it. Like a Chikara wrestling character, the guy that passes out every time he's touched. She brought him around by

stuffing her cunt-stinking fingers up his nose. But first she put smelling salt up there. She stood, dressed, and kicked him in the nuts, leaving him growling in pain on the floor. That seems a little unnecessary.

Never underestimate the power of a hairy woman. She growled, walking out the door and smiling at his teary whimpers. The end. Valkyries can tell when men are crying. And that's how it happened.

How did you know that? How did that Valkyrie know that he was crying? Good stuff. I guess Valkyries come to them in their dreams, so she had to keep making the pass out. Yeah, well presumably this guy died every time, and she just kept taking him to another new horrible Valhalla. Oh good, are we into Valhalla? No, not quite. Maybe eventually, but first, let's stop here for a while.

I call this Val Harry. Thank you so much, Jimmy Franks. That was fantastic. It was a wild ride. Oh, yeah. I love your lady, but I got my own lady, if you'd like to hear about her. Oh, okay, great. What's your lady called? Oh, yeah. you'd like to hear about her. Oh, okay, great. What's your lady called?

Oh, yeah, I'd like to tell you about my wife, Sarah. Oh, okay. My wife, Sarah, is the country wrestling champ in our section of Michigan. She's won lots of awards, honors, and trophies because of her great skill in wrestling in high school, college, and even now. She's an amazing wrestler and is better than all the men and boys in our country. In fact, high school and college, she had to wrestle with only boys and was always the best one. Okay, so she

wrestled... Okay, yep, alright. Yep, sure. Sarah... I don't know if that's Sarah Ives or Sarah Ives. Sarah Ives, Sarah Ives. Or Sarah Ives. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. First of her name.

Sarah the First is also stronger than more powerful than the men in the town and the Mavericks male. Champion wrestlers must have great strength to overcome their opponents, and that's exactly what she has. I thought you might appreciate an explanation of what wrestlers do. Champion wrestlers must have great strength to overcome their opponent. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. explanation of what wrestlers do. Wrestlers must have great strength to overcome their opponent. Alright, alright.

Move the fuck over, Joe Roke, and I think this is my job now. Color commentary the shit out of this thing, and then I'll say dumb shit about vaccines for a while. She is very muscular, and her biceps measure an astonishing 19 inches. That's length and width and height. They're round.

It's a cube. That's Final Fantasy VII arms. That just goes to show how powerful she is, and how she overcomes her male opponents. To achieve this great strength, she works out quite often. Are you... Are you re-advocized yet? I love that this guy is on the same website as the

previous guy. You imagine, like, it's a small community, it's like 1996, so like, do they trade stories back and forth? I'd love to see the notes he would have left on this story. His voice is re. We've been in high school, 11th grade. She was very athletic.

In gym, we did shot put at about the same time track was taking place, so we had to fight for the shot puts with them. Each person was required to throw the ball at least once. First, all the boys threw, and some kid got a pretty good throw. He hit the third mark on the field. There were seven of them. Next were the girls' turns. Each girl went before Sarah, using a much lighter ball than the boys'. However, Sarah decided to use the boys' shotput to see

how she could do. She hit the fifth line and beat all the boys in shotput. Wow. It's tense. Wow. I was expecting more applause or a beating off.

Either will do. applause or a beating off. Either will do. I can choose one, though, right? With the correct editing, it makes the same sound. After high school, we went to the same college where she joined wrestling and

shot put and demolished the records there. Finally, the senior prom, I got the courage to ask her to dance from then on everything went uphill for both of us it was super difficult great until we got to where we are now we are now a 26 year old married couple so are you both 26 or a marriage is 26 years old. Yeah, they're not in their marriage, yeah. She is a muscular-built, dark Indian, skin-toned, black-haired girl. I'm a normal-built

white man with brown hair. My biceps are very standard. Anyway, we are now a lovable couple and live together in a small house somewhere 50 miles north of Detroit, near the Michigan-Canada border. I'm guessing not a lot of people have tested this whole lovability thing, have they? I'll be the judge of that. Well, she's beating up youpers every day. Well, somebody's got up youpers every day. Somebody's got to.

Every day. Every day she goes to Garrodsville, somewhere between Detroit and Freelerstown, where we live. Imagine me pointing on my hands where all these leg hastings are. Come to my town and look for the giant woman. I'm going to interrupt

you for just a sec there, Dijon. I've never heard erotic small talk. This is really something. I'm going to interrupt you there, Dijon. As you were reading, I was looking around. I was just looking at some of the stories that Valkyrie herself has written. I think that's what this one

is, too. Yeah, that one is too. So, Frank West. Oh, yes. I mean, really, it's the title alone that sold me. This is called the Bloke Lifting Contest. Lift those blokes. Lift those blokes.

So I put those blokes. Oh, this was co-written by Diana the V falcoo with thanks to barry and marty kenneth and he wow wow she just scissored the shit out of them until they finished write my pornography as a fluffer you see it all i think there's very specific things that you see as a fluffer big ones little ones soft ones hard ones even ones with chicken pox mostly little soft ones otherwise they wouldn't need a fluffer would they

oh but the economic recession was beginning to bite and there's so many amateur fluffers nobody's getting accredited anymore what's happening to this industry that's's the Bill Clinton era recession, too. There was a surplus of fluffers that sort of led to the recession. And led to today's standard of unpaid interest. No, no, no. I mean, Silicon

Valley would have put the gig economy into fluffing. Yeah. F-L-U-F-R. F-L-U-F-R, yeah, that's correct. Yeah, it's F-L-U-F-R. F-L-U-F-R, yeah, that's correct. Yeah, and then the fluffers went on strike and they brought in scabs, and then

the actual scabs started happening. Oh, no. It was getting tough to make ends meet, and a fluffer always wants to do the right thing with ends. Oh, cute. Sure, an amateur fluffer is as likely to cause a terrible accident and premature deflation as she is to get the butter stick profit. Call the police! I have a lot of questions.

I've sucked her too hard! Oh my god! It came right off! Oh my god! I swallowed it by accident! Not again! Not again! Not again! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Just deflates like a balloon. But the guy with the budgets sees a pretty face and assumes that's the main requirement.

Actually, the main requirements are a good understanding of the characteristics of the average butter stick. You're just gonna keep using that one, huh? It's clever! Come on, that must sell. And of the bloke who's following it around.

Gonna make butter stick happen. So I was looking around a bit. What else can a fluffer do when things are hard? And I heard that people down at Bona Gym were planning to put on a bit of a do. So I put on my cream-colored skirt and jumper, plus the best fake pearls I've got and trolled down there. All right. So, Dijon, you're going to be playing the role of Jules. And

Frank, if you would skip down to Jules leaned close to me. Jules leaned close to me and swamped me in what I can only hope was aftershave. Blowclifting. He breathed. Oh, and who's... You're you.

You're you. Okay, I'm me. What? Blow-clifting, Linda. What's that? What's that? I'm Sandy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, what's that? Oh, no, I'm Sandy. Oh, wait. No, no, I'm sorry. Zarla, you're Sandy. Okay. What's that? Shrieks Sandy. Yes, what the smeg is bloke lifting, said I assume me. Yeah, I have no idea who's saying anything here. That was Rimmer. Linda, you know bloke lifting

You get all the polonus Real big butch polonus With lallies like tree trunks Tree trunks Agreed, Sandy Tree trunks It sounded like you were one of the guests On Iron Chef

Yeah, do you know the Iron Chef voice Is that it? Oh, that looks delicious. Wow, it's really well made. The treat is good. He repeated thoughtfully. Yes, and each of them has her own. And she lifts them.

Lifts him. Oh my god, hell yeah, Sandy! You belong in every conversation. No, shut up, Sand. Shut up. I'm telling her. Shut up yourself. It was my idea. No, it wasn't? I don't know if I'm saying that or not.

Maybe it was. Yes, it was. It's just sort of a free-for-all. Grab a quote that looks good to you. All you can eat quotes. This is if Lewis Carroll had a head injury. This is if Lewis Carroll had a head injury. I banged the table and they stopped bickering and looked at me.

And I asked. You're going to have to guess. You're going to have to guess. I don't know. Everyone in unison. Well, it's a bloke lifting competition. See? I thought about this. Well, it's a bloke lifting competition, see? I thought about this.

It sounds crazy. Who would want to watch a bunch of women with thighs like tree trunks lifting up men? And then I thought about the dafter things I've been involved with, and then I thought, well, it beats eating yogurt, because that's all there is in the fridge. And I said, okay, om polones, count me in. What is that word?

Apparently it means young woman. Oh. And then skip again to I used as a model. I used as a model the rules of the International Federation of Genital Weightlifting. I'm going to see you at the garden this weekend, brother.

The cream. Well, let's not. Fifteen curls. And the weights would be a lot heavy naturally which brought me to the first problem we'd need a range of weights running from say 100 pounds for the lightweight competitors up to over 300 for the more butch polones

and I had some ideas for how to handle the stronger girls who would stop at 300 aren't you supposed to be lifting blokes? I don't know. A range of bloke weights, I guess. I guess genitals are attached to the blokes, so it's genital weightlifting, technically?

Wait, is the genital 100 pounds? I don't know. Or is it 100 pounds? I don't know. Why is it 100 pounds of genitals? Oh, it's that thing from the Bible with all the foreskins. No! I felt there ought to be three events, because three is a magic number. Everything comes in threes.

Oh, I get it. I thought the overhead lift would be one get the ome over your head and hold him there for a count of three and the squat would be the second everyone likes to squat and it's a great opportunity to saw off those tree trunk loud lit lit wow tree trunk ladies cockney rhyming slang what the fuck are you talking about is that what that's a fish word for how does any aust any Australian get laid ever? And as I cast about for ideas for the third lift, I look at the rules for the IFGW. And it suddenly occurred to me, if a man can lift weights that way, why should he just as equally

why should he just as equally be lifted in the same way so I made the third event the deadlift overhead lift, squat, deadlift cool, great, sounds good but they're all dudes awesome

dude lift is right there oh, oh yeah missed opportunity there Dude. Yes. Awesome. Okay. Dude lift is right there. Oh. Oh, yeah. Missed opportunity there. When I put that to Julian, he went white as a sheet and started coughing and spluttering. Oh, Sandy's back. Yay!

Now look what you've done. You've set him off. You set me off. See? See? You've triggered him. Tr triggered him triggered now he'll be beside himself all evening besides oh my god don't worry jules i'll look after you said sandy to julian comforting him so i said well okay they can use a truss to lift them up by. And that mollified them somewhat. Weight crosses for the polons, of course, and drug testing to make sure they aren't using anything naughty,

and also for the ohms. Drug testing? No. I want a clear bloke lift. I don't want to do anything naughty. No not at all. Let's go to the event. I don't want to hear a blowclift. I don't want to do anything naughty. Okay. No not at all. Let's go to the event.

Can you skip to I stood up on the stage? Wait, can you read the next sentence? Also for the ohms. Also for the ohms to make sure they aren't on testosterone to crank up their genital development a bit. Thanks. I don't... I don't understand. I consider myself genitally developed.

Where do you see your genitals in five years? Oh, yeah, it's a genital development conference! I stood up on the stage and smiled at the audience until they shut up, making it clear that nothing would happen until I got a bit of hush. And then, ladies and gentlemen, knowing full well they were neither of those. Nice, love it. Oh, snap. Bona Productions.

Bona Productions. Run by Julian and his friend Sandy. I scratch the mic with a fingernail. Is that good? Is that good podcasting audio? You know, it sounds a bit like a roll of a drum. It does. It says right here that sounds a bit like the roll of a drum.

The first The first annual bloke-lifting bonanza. The audience exploded. Not literally, metaphorically. Oh, they beat us to it. That happens later. Like, I know you're gonna make a joke about it, but not this time.

Not this time. With excitement, you could tell, because some of them clapped a bit. Was that British humor? Was that what that was right there? I don't know. Okay. I don't know what any of this is.

I'm still not sure it's not Sandy or Julian talking right now. Way better than the bargain than bloatlifting. We started with the overhead lift, division 112 pounds or less i assume they'd have no trouble with their own poundage so we started them off with 112 pound blokes by the way it isn't easy to find 112 pound blokes that's only eight stones you know yeah most blokes are a lot heavier than that you're definitely british okay i'd only managed to find one so it was just as well that none of the girls had any problems with overheading him.

Yeah. Most of them went for a waist grab and hoist up, but one of them, I noticed, took the grind grip, which gives you two advantages. One is that it's closer to the center of gravity, and the other is that you don't have to do the yell. It's done for you. What did the blokes get out of this?

Hey, man, do you want a beer? No, I have to make weight so I can get lifted up next week. By my groin. I have to saw off one of my legs next week. They all got the 112 pound bloke up, no problem. So we moved on to the 126 pounder,

moving up in one stone increments. One lifter couldn't get him up, but the others coped fine. On to the 140 pounders, and here a couple of the lighter girls couldn't get them up. Wait, so we're not getting actual details about this. We're just getting like run down summaries. This is a real flair for the dramatic, man. So like the erotic part of this is like the logistics of it, not the... There was 112 pound and some people lift him and some people didn't.

This is very important for my fantasy bloke lifting lead. It's just all computer simulation doing this at this point. Bloke lifting manager 2022. Bizarrely popular in Europe. Narrative tension for about three sentences. Only one of those could get the 154 pound bloke

over her head. The other one got him halfway up, then dropped him. He bounced a bit. But I'd put down a couple blankets just in case this happened so it wasn't too bad awesome very good very good anyways then we did the middleweight division over here oh my god there's so many words at this point there's so yes so many words at this point. Are you ready for some numbers? I love numbers, and this is the only place I can get them. 29 paragraphs follow.

Yes. Okay, okay, okay, okay. So more men are lifted up. Zarla? It really is just that over and over. Yeah, but the numbers change. Because sometimes it's like 210 pounds and sometimes 230 pounds.

I've been saving this for just the right moment. And I think that now is just the right moment. Zarla, could you please read to me, Kathy Lee hulks out? I see. Okay.

The moment has come. Kathy Lee Gifford sat in her chair as the final touches of her makeup were being applied. Her mind wandered as it often did at times such as these quiet, peaceful times. She didn't have many relaxing moments in her day, being on a daily TV show, and the mother of two children took up most of her time.

Wow, this is still true, even today. What she didn't need were extra distractions, and in the past year she's had too many for anyone to cope with. First, her husband was caught cheating on her, and it was strewn across the tabloids. And then her clothing line was caught up in a wage scandal. Oh, that's an interesting way to phrase that. Child slave labor you're going to call a wage scandal?

Okay. It's a wage scandal. All this had been humiliating, and it had an effect on her physical well-being. Always thin, she now appeared sickly. She felt helpless, like her world was spiraling out of control, and she was a passenger on a doomed flight. Unknown to her, all that was about to change.

So, are you excited about having the Hulk, I mean, Dr. Banner, on the show today? Hello? Kathy? Earth to Kathy. Are you still with us? Kathy always tuned out her makeup assistant. It was early in the morning.

Hey, what the fuck? Always. And she didn't ever have an interest in what she had to say. Hello? Geez, I'm sorry I disturbed you. This time, however, she was interested. She had always wanted to meet the most powerful man in the world. Many a night, she would watch the nightly news and see footage of the Hulk in action. And she loved seeing his magnificent muscles in action. Today, she would see them up close. I'm sorry, Mary, I was just zoning out.

But yes, I am excited to meet Dr. Banner. He's done a tremendous amount of charity work for children, and I greatly admire him. Dr. Banner. He's done a tremendous amount of charity work for children, and I greatly admire him. And the fact that he has the biggest muscles in the world doesn't hurt, right? Mary chimed in. Kathy Lee pretended

to act disinterested, but deep down, that was exactly the cause for her excitement. Someone peeked his head into the dressing room and let her know that the show... I only like the Hulk for his charity work. That's probably the thing I think about him the most. Like the Hulk on a personal level. Someone peeked his head into the dressing room

and let her know that the show was beginning in five minutes, so Mary hurried up with the finishing touches on Kathie Lee's makeup. Meanwhile, in the studio audience, the leader sat and waited. Kim Jong-un? It's the leader with a capital L. Yeah. Oh, the leader sat and waited. Kim Jong-un? It's the leader with a capital L.

The leader. Do you want the nerd? No, God no. Greetings, true believers! I'll go back in the corner. Someone's going to get that nerd in a headlock. Oh, no. The doctor said if I get one more headlock, I'll pass out.

To the scissors. He had been able to disguise himself with one of his newest inventions, an image manipulator. With it, he appeared normal as possible. He needed to in order to defeat his arch nemesis once and for all. Not only would he rob the Hulk of his powers, he would do it while embarrassing him on national TV. Another one of his new inventions would see to that. He had developed a way to immediately remove gamma radiation from the body.

Wow, that's really useful. Yeah, interesting. So I have a way to reverse radiation, and I'm going to use it to ruin a superhero, I guess. He uses it to cure cancer, but I want to ruin the Hulk. Actually, this is the most realistic villain, actually,

that's ever been in a Marvel movie. The beam was invisible to the naked eye, but it was, oh, so effective. The leader would blast Dr. Bruce Banner with it when he came onto the stage. When the good doctor tried to transform into his monstrous alter ego, he would be unable to do so,

because there would be no gamma rays coursing through his bloodstream. They would be dispersed... Does that mean that Kathie Lee Gifford's going to make him mad on the show? Well, she wants to see those muzzles. What else is she going to do? They would be dispersed into the air, and his mortal enemy would be no more. The crowd stood and cheered as Regis and Kathie Lee were introduced.

The leader couldn't help but think that Kathie Lee looked sickly, but that wasn't important. In a few minutes, they would be introducing Dr. Banner, who was there to promote his appearance as the Hulk in a charity wrestling match. Motherfucker! Well, that doesn't... See, he does do charity. That doesn't seem fair. Dangerous. And you thought the Hulk wasn't a charitable person.

Motherfucker is really negging Kathie Lee Gifford, though. He is! They finished off their Gifford. He is. They finished up their monologue. Oh, wait. Blah, blah, blah. Well, whatever. They finished up their monologue and came back from commercial.

The room was abuzz and waiting for the Hulk to make his appearance. Our first guest is known all over the world as the most powerful superhero there is. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give a warm welcome to Dr. Bruce Banner, better known as the Incredible Hulk. We just shouted out as he was equally excited to meet the hero. Well, Kathy hasn't said anything yet.

As the crowd leapt to its collective feet, the leader aimed his weapon at the doctor and hit him directly in the chest. As Bruce Banner waved to the adoring crowd, he felt a strange sensation, but he brushed it off as just being a little nervous. Kathy Lee was the first to greet him as she shook his hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek. She felt a strange surge run through her body

and envelop her from head to toe. She brushed it off as static electricity, or being a little awestruck. Whatever it was, she couldn't wait to see the doctor turn into the Hulk. The leader grew impatient as Banner kept talking about his charity foundation. It seemed like it took forever until he was finally finished.

Oh, good. All right, and now for what everyone has been waiting for. I'm going to wrestle the Hulk, and I'm going to win. Wow. Regis yelled as he egged the crowd on. I love that he would be doing that on Regis and Kathy Lee. Just marching around the stage. I'm going to wrestle the Hulk.

And I'm going to win. Banging on his own chest. Now, Kathy, you're our referee. Don't get too excited when I hulk out of my clothing. Regis continued joking. Kathy Lee stood up from her chair and pressed her skirt down. It was one of her favorites, as it really accentuated her figure nicely.

She glanced over at the doctor. Are you ready there, Hulk? Dr. Banner took a deep breath and nodded his head. He concentrated on growing, but nothing was happening. He cleared his head and tried again. This time was no different than the first. No transformation. Something is wrong.

Baby, I'm sorry. Baby. Baby. No, I still like you. I promise. This normally doesn't happen. Something was wrong. He seemed to have lost his powers.

Come on, Hulk. It's only an hour-long show, and we have other guests. I want to wrestle. Regis rimmed him, trying to break the tension that was growing. Dr. O'Banner leaned over nervously towards Regis and Kathy Lee. Something seems to be going on with my ability to transform. I don't know what to say. This has never happened to me before. Kathy Lee felt herself growing more and more disappointed by the minute.

She'd been waiting a long time to see this up close. Now the hopes of that happening were lessening by the minute. She started to feel a little flush, like her breathing was being restricted. The weird feeling was returning again, the one she felt when she kissed Dr. Banner hello. She felt the side of her head, as there was a pounding and that grew sharper and sharper. Regis and Dr. Banner noticed Kathy was holding her head

and became worried. Banner had an uneasy feeling as he watched her keel over and started moaning. Ugh. Whoa, whoa. Kathy, are you alright? We just whispered to her. She didn't reply back to him as her breathing became more and more difficult. She looked down at her dress. It appeared as if

it had grown tighter on her the last few seconds, and it was growing tighter still. She thought for a moment, nah, it couldn't be, she told herself. But she looked at her arms, and the sleeves of her shirt were pulling tighter and tighter, and a slightly greenish hue started washing over her skin. The leader was- What's happening?

I'm pretty sure that Kathy Lee Gifford has never said nor thought the word gnaw. Gnaw. Gnaw. Gnaw. It could be. Gnaw. Gnaw, bro. I'm fine.

The leader was looking on intently from the audience. He had stayed to witness Banner's humiliation, and now he was getting an even better show. It appeared as if the gamma particles had been absorbed by Kathy Lee. He stared in disbelief as her petite frame stretched out and began bulging out with more and more muscle. This was definitely worth staying around for.

Kathy Lee looked out at the crowd as all eyes were staring back at her, and she found herself really enjoying it her body was indeed transforming all the Hulk's muscle and strength was somewhat transferred to her and she loved it this is a very slow transformation she's thriving

she's living her best life I know she ran her hands through her thickening hair as it was glowing green as well her feet felt squashed up against her heels and she looked down and saw her feet bursting through them. Her calves were growing enormous as well, with green muscle filling up over... Her feet burst through her heels? Yes. Like the heels of the shoes.

Yeah, the high heels. Oh, sorry. Okay, yes. With green muscle filling up over one's rail-thin lower legs. Her skirt was being stretched to its limit as her thighs bulged out against the fabric and finally shredded it as well. The audience sat in stunned silence of what was taking place. Giant nude green Kathy Lee. Don't say that every day. Can you go to finally her blouse?

Let's see. Alexa, big green nude Kathy Lee, please. Thank you go to finally her blouse? Let's see. Alexa, big green nude Kathy Lee, please. Thank you. No! Fair enough, Alexa. Finally, her blouse could no longer contain the staggering growth of her breasts and mounds of green flesh poured out of the front

of her shirt. The producers cut away to a commercial at this point, and they started rounding up the audience to leave. Now it's getting too much. Kathy Lee saw this. Nothing to see here. Kathy Lee saw this and grew angry. She wanted everyone there to watch her grow bigger and stronger.

No one leaves! She shouted. Her voice a little deeper and more powerful than it had been before. This is a good Kathy Lee Gifford. I like this one. Her transformation was coming to an end, and she stood in the center of the stage basking in all of the attention. She was now much, much taller than the two men on stage.

How do your muscles look on me, Dr. Banner? She asked, already knowing the answer to the question. I think they look fantastic, and they feel incredible. I'm pretty sure that's not you. I think they look fantastic and they feel incredible. I'm pretty sure that's not you. I think that's Dr. Banner. No, no, that is her. I can't tell. I can imagine what it feels like

to use them, having the strength to lift mountains, to be able to be shot by tanks and not even get scratched. All that power is now mine. Mobilize the army against Kathy Lee. This is an experimental Saturday Night Live sketch. More like Mad TV.

She ripped off the rest of her remaining clothing and flexed her biceps. She wanted to see these muscles up close, but she never dreamed that they would be hers. Waited until she got home and Frank saw her. She quickly walked off stage and left Regis and Dr. Banner staring there, not knowing what to do or what to say. She walked to her dresser and saw that she was too large to fit through the doorway. Have my car brought around immediately! She yelled out to no one in particular. She's now like a Saints Row villain.

She was going home to pay Frank a visit. She thought about what she would do to him and a smile crept across her face. Oh, wow. Oh, no. Oh, no. I gotta go, guys. I gotta get back. Frank was out driving around.

He didn't have much to do when the kids were in school. Since he was dropped from Monday Night Football, he had a lot of time on his hands. That's true. I have had a lot of time on my hands. He realized I'm incapable of and unaware of how to play people. As he pulled up the driveway, he saw that Kathy's car was back. That was odd, he thought.

She usually isn't back so early. He parked the car and walked to the front door, calling out for the maid. No one replied, which was strange as well. Suddenly, Kathy called out to him from upstairs. I'm up here, Frank. He walked up the stairs. And you're down there. And I'm up here.

He's out there. Who's the sheriff? He walked up the stairs with a little excitement. Maybe she was here to surprise him, he thought. He walked into the bedroom and Kathy was standing in the middle of it in a nightgown, looking beautiful. Kathy, you look wonderful. No, Dijon is

Frank Gifford. You were Dr. Steve Banner as played by Gyro Gearloose from Duckling. Kathy, you look wonderful. He exclaimed as he pulled his shirt from out of his pants, anticipating a roll in the hay with his wife.

Kathy Lee extended out her hand, holding him back. Not so fast, Frankie boy. She circled around him as she looked at him seductively. Don't you remember who was supposed to be on the show today? Frank thought for a moment, but couldn't come up with a name. He really didn't care whoever was on her stupid show. Harsh. This is a new season of Larry Sanders.

Not really, Kath. I've been talking about it for weeks, silly. The Hulk! He was supposed to be on with us, but something happened to him. Frank was intrigued. Nothing could hurt the Hulk. He was the most powerful person on the planet. Or really, what could have happened to him that he couldn't make it on the show?

Kathy waited a second as she was really enjoying this. Well, Dr. Banner showed up, but he was unable to turn into the Hulk. It seems as if his powers were transferred to someone else. Why do you need to include this? Why do you need to include this into your narrative? You just went through. It took so long for you to describe

Kathie Lee Gifford's transformation. You're saying that, but at least this story has a payoff that isn't just listing numbers. Okay, you're absolutely right. Fucking two pages. Kathy just has two thumbs pointing at herself at this point. There was a point in the previous story with the bloke lifting, but I was like, skip to...

Nope. Yeah. Skip to. Skip to the end. Skip. You don't say. That's strange. I wonder how that happened. Do they know who his powers

are transferred to? Cantily looked at her husband, the man that cheated on her and embarrassed her in front of the nation and left. Is this a children's pantomime play? She's the Hulk! She starts clapping in the audience.

Do any of you kids know who the Hulk would be? Who do you think it is? You wouldn't believe it. Not in a million years. Frank asked a curious to find out who the lucky soul was. Well, what would you say if I told you I was thinking about getting a new wardrobe, one that matched green skin? Frank became nervous. He wasn't sure if she was pulling some kind of prank on him. I wouldn't think that that would help me know the answer to your question, though.

Oh, come on, calf. Don't mess around. All right, I guess I'll just have to show you. And with that, she began to grow bigger and bigger as she transformed herself. She watched in pure exhilaration as she saw the look come over Frank's face as he saw his wife growing huge right before his eyes. She saw him as she saw the look come over Frank's face as he saw his wife growing huge right before his eyes. She saw him saw she saw. Still don't believe me? She asked as she flexed her thigh muscles in front of her.

Each one was bigger around than Frank's entire chest. I don't think you want to get trapped between my legs, Frank. Dr. Banner, you know him. He used to be the Hulk until I got his powers. Well, he said that I could jump three miles in a clip. So I just wonder what legs that strong could do to an old guy like you. Actually, there's no ending quotation marks. She reached down and jumped her head under Frank's chin and lifted him up to her face, her biceps bolting twice as big as his head.

Let's face it, Frank, things are going to be a little different around here. She dropped him to the floor and proceeded to sit on his face. Get going, Frank, you've got some work to do. Yay! And then it ends when they start having sex.

Boring part. Let's leave these two lovebirds alone. Curtain's closing. That, that, that, the only thing that, because I didn't look at it that much before this recording started. And I was like, I was like, I really hope the story Kathy Lee hulks out does not disappoint. It did not. Hey F Plus. It's time for poetry.

Yay. My name is Tex Biceps. Oh god. Amazing. Love it. This poem is called Under Upon Spying Remy. The rat from... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll eat cheese and tomato at the same time. Then I'll crush you with my legs. Some fair ladies dust their limbs. Hope to keepeth pencil thin. From deltoid to attach and hand a soft and pale spaghetti strand.

That's right. Choke on my rhythm. Choke on my rhythm. It's too good. No, I'm just in another headlock. Not scissored again. But m'lady doth acquire the strength she needs that she desires.

Since more than pencil arms required, dust m'lady pumpeth iron. dust milady pumpeth iron this work doth make the fibers grow through reduction of pride through seduction and discipline nope that's that's a different oh oh what how does this work it's left column oh, it's so weird. Why is it formatted like this? Okay. Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, okay. Why is this? Okay, here we go. This doth make the fibers grow. Expand, contract, the veins explode. Uh-oh. She straineth from the heavy load But alas her work

Doth show For hard and peak Ed muscles round Appear in larger rising Mounds Biceps bulging tightly wound Do rip the sleeves of my lady's gown.

And so the pencil ladies dare not to remarketh of the, I guess it's tear. Because their necks they wish to spare the muscle wrath of my lady fair. Thank you.

I'm Tex Biceps. Just so you know, I do work for tips, so I'm just going to be coming around with the bucket, if you wouldn't mind. My girlfriend will crush my legs if you don't pay me. So... He's got big biceps and nothing else. He's built like a G.O.D.

Oh, boy. Jimmy Franks. Yeah. Can you take Untitled 2? That's a poem by Stephen Gordon. Sandy is muscle. Sandy is power. Sandy overwhelms the soul.

You will know in less than an hour. It's muscle. My pussy is power. Sandy can bring pain. Sandy can bring pain. Sandy can induce desire. You will know as your gut burns and your loins are on fire. Foolish to challenge this goddess of muscle and power. This Venus of beauty. No delicate flower.

She will destroy you with pain. She will make you hers with desire. Better to show her caring and respect. Then I guess she punched him in the throat. Then he couldn't finish the poem. Frank West. That's me. This next poem here is by Sandy Stone, and it's a poem called Hurting.

Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. is it's by sandy stone uh and it's a poem called hurting hurting hurting i am drawing this out because it is loading there we go i guess you did you did mention before the recording this is all just hosted off it is it is like like i mean i think it's still hosted on her computer? I think it still is. God, that's good. She has a PC in the corner of her house. A big office white tower. No, no, no, no. It's got black and white on it because it's from Gateway 2000. Oh, no. It's got a lucky gold star monitor.

CD-ROM included. Hurting by Sandy Stone. Twist and tear and pull and rip. Until it is done. No, I'm sorry. Knee. Rip and tear. Knee and kick and punch and slap. He a man and im a woman pain and fear will bring him down

all his pain and all his fear make him hurt and make him tear i guess it's tear this time I guess. Men don't weep and men don't cry. That's for girls like you and I. Then he knows that he is mine. Through the fear and through the pain, he hurt me so I hurt him. Hurt his body, hurt his mind, make him suffer. Make him weep. He's an asshole. He's a creep.

Bring him down and bring him low that's what this girl likes to do break his body break his pride hurt him for my hurt inside cool awesome low and do totally rhyme what are you talking about yeah that was an a b a b c d h q oh wait i'm supposed to be rhyming a b w r i like that i like that this sandy stone there like after reading that poem uh would go over and just start trying to hit on men so what are you up to i like poetry and just start trying to hit on men. So what are you up to? I like poetry.

Oh, this is the Sandy. This is the Sandy that the other poem was. Sorry. One of my favorite lines from that, I kind of got it missed, but there was the part where the Michael Buffer announcer went on. It was like, And announcing!

It was an idea that Sandy and James came up with. Okay, I think this is probably the last poem that we have here. Boots? This poem is by Hamlet, and this poem is called Oh, for a Norse cock! Okay. Oh.

This doesn't look like it's an iambic pentamer at all. Play it again by Hamlet. Oh, for a Norse cock by Hamlet. I want a Norse man and him only for question. I yearn for his member and for him alone. So full of courage, he is my sole ambition, his member strong to make me cry and groan and moan, richly proportioned in all its dimension.

It has a head pointed like a canister, enormous, huge nothing, like it in all creation, powerful and hard with vast diameter, always ready and prepared and all set for action. Always used with caring and loving violence, yearns to enter my vulva in forceful attraction, demands my pussy shows complete obedience, desperate to enter me and never ever tired.

If you answer my questions, you can enter the vulva. It's not the thing that you enter. It's the thing around it that's why you have to answer the question that's why you need special permission good point you're performing surgery it never asks for help

or aid or sustenance it has no need for allies always inspired Noon knows what comes from his mighty efforts. Full of life, it bores ruthless into my small clit. Constant in action, in control and power, he asserts, first from the front,

then from the right, a perfect fit. Crammed in with vigorous power, strength, and pressure, rubs in its head straight towards my helpless sex. He sucks my lips and takes away all my treasure. Holds me tight with gloves of long, shiny latex. Covers every inch of my body with

love bites. Opens my thighs and thrusts his member right in hard. I submit with the lack of any punctuation in this really makes it exciting. That's why you have the lines. You got all those stanzas.

That's what keeps it together. Also, like, every time he or his is written, it's a capital, so it's God that's doing all this. Nun's poetry is getting desperate. I submit without resistance every day and night.

He makes me feel so weak and used and battle scarred. He approaches me with such lustful potency and vigor. His member inside me sharper than a dagger. Dagger. What? A dagger. Sharper than a dagger? A member sharper than a dagger?

I thought this was for Valkyries. This is a very un-Valkyrie poem. You just haven't had a Norse dick. Don't want no Norse dick to be. Before we close out, Boots, where did you find this here? I've just been collecting titles from the miscellaneous stories.

Jimmy Franks, Boots has been collecting some titles from around the world. I know that you were spending your time on Kandor's page, looking at his stories, such as Escape from Ken's Dungeon, Keeper of the Leg Jail,

Ass Ambush, Chrissy Bord, Chrissy Bord is Chrissy Deadly is Chrissy Deadly The Last Deadly Orgasm On Track With Her Farts Diane's Ball Busting Buddies Long Time No Come

Sky High Scissors Missy, Teenage Scissor Specialist No Sale, Just Tale, and plenty of it. Lickin' lovely Lizzy clean. Oh, boy. Anyway, I know that you were looking at some of the stories by Kandor, but Boots compiled some titles. Do you want to read those for me, please?

The Killing of Kirk, Superior Uhura Kills Captain Kirk by Dead Soul Poetry. The Spriggan. Adventures of an Amazon Hobbit Part 2 by Zolder Z. Tanya's Battle. Tanya wrestles a larger woman who carries her all over the house by airplane. The exciting sequel. And this is the sitting room, and this is our bathroom. Does she carry her, like, vital style?

That'd be cute. These Tysons ain't chicken. A story of a fighting family. Please let me know what you think of this, Eleby. What? I think the Tysons are chicken. What do you think of that? Violent triumphs.

Charlie is ultimately humiliated and rediscovers himself by Violent Seal. Elista versus the Golden Grappler, part one, by the ferret. The lifeguard's worst nightmare. A true story of being beaten up and robbed by Joe. The neighbor lady. Mrs. Sanders had the biggest muscles I had ever seen by Chris. Cartoon Battles. The Cat vs. the Bat by TF.

Brandy. Gym. Brandy clears out the gym by Neptune. Angela racks and breaks. She kicks butt at pool, then just kicks butt. Angela racks and breaks. She kicks butt at pool, then just kicks butt. Now that I've won the pool game!

The transformation of Jenny Chapter 3, Jenny Aroused. This is the continuing story about an innocent female teenager who transforms into a curvaceous, athletic lust storm whenever she gets aroused. That's another Hulk situation. Pink Lightning. A story about a woman getting struck by pink lightning with amazing results. Perfect, perfect. Five million dollars.

I couldn't guess what those results would be. Literally tell me no more. A story about a woman getting struck by a pin lightning with horrific results. Well, you haven't heard this next one. Put away the checkbook. Just wait until you hear this. Equestrian trample. A spoiled debutante tramples a man beneath her horse.

Can we talk some more about pink lightning? The name of the horse is Pink Lightning. Maybe Pink Lightning is a person. List of muscular strippers. The noticeably muscular exotic dancer list. My fist man. Is there content

or is it literally just a list? Is it just a list of muscular strippers? There's muscles and chest and biceps. They're real. They're real people. It's just a list. It's just a list, but it's like

it's got the clubs that they work at. Email them at AOL.com. Yeah. Yeah. This is a pretty good double feature here Janet versus Pam Janet and Pam square off

In an underground no rules fight And stay tuned after that For Gail versus Michelle In a tiebreaker My wife Gail faces Michelle in a tit-squeezing tirebreaker with a no rules last round. Michelle, it is the best. There were too many rules in the previous rounds, though.

Do you want to know my favorite? So I'm looking here at the list of muscular strippers. There's a bunch of them that are really great. Obviously, you know, Florida is just the classiest place in the world. But there's a place in Los Angeles. So if you're in Los Angeles, and I know that some people are, if you're in Los Angeles, you need to go to Bob's Classy Lady. I'm Bob

and this is my classy lady! The world famous. And if you go to Bob's Classy Lady, you can see a stripper by the name of Veronica Fitness. Ask her by name. You know, you're done with that. You're done with that. You can just go right

across the street to Fritz's. You see a different stripper named Asian Fitness. What did we learn from any of this, F Plus? I guess. Big ol' size. You must have learned a lot. I guess Big ol' size You must have learned a lot I guess ladies are strong

Sure, sure, some definitely are Yep, absolutely I think ladies are hairy Some dudes just get off on numbers Yeah, yeah, yeah This person won and this person lost. Yeah, that's it. That's all I need.

That's all I want. It definitely seems like, you know, we were looking through some more of these stories from different authors. And it kind of seemed like they would kind of, like, get around their fetish and just keep writing words. And, like, just trying to figure out what was going to work for them and nothing seemed to. Like, maybe some more paragraphs will help. Nope, doesn't seem to help. I got some more paragraphs. Yeah, there was definitely a lot of this where it was like, I am at least writing about the topic

we're here for, but maybe it doesn't have to be about a fetish. Maybe it can just have a story and get to the fetish part. The opening was weirdly defensive about it being a fetish. That was kind of interesting. Yeah, yeah. We jerk off this, but it's not a fetish.

It's just something we get off. This is not a fetish. This is not pornography. And to prove that, I will misdefine fetish and pornography. I just learned that they have an interactive story that everyone can

add new branches to but you have to have a membership oh wow yeah can you read it with a can you read or do you just have to have you click here's the story so far and you get taken to a sign in

modal that pops up it's so depressing. Imagine a story running since 2001. 22 years of people getting crushed by thighs. I found a page on stats. Now, the stats are obviously on a page

called filecounts.htm and like it's just an HTML table and like there's no fucking JavaScript or PHP or. table and like there's no fucking javascript or php or dot net like there's no any server-side code on this text so like any html file is hand-coded so i'm sure that the number i'm giving you is out of date but how many htm dot htm web pages do you think are on this website all of them hundreds like maybe thousands because because there's these giant lists of stories and this there's like there's like a dozen of those

pages at least or maybe maybe way more and each one of those has like hundreds of stories on them So by Diana's own count, there are 47,770 HTML pages here. Oh, wow. Manually made HTML pages. Manually. Yes. None of them have head elements. None of them have body elements. None of them have HTML elements.

It's just pornography with P tags. That's it. And links sometimes. Okay. So I went to check, like it said, stories posted lately. Like, new stories. And I was like, what, from like 2001? So I went and checked and it was like, here's a story this index created daily

in the small hours of the morning while you're asleep in bed. A Valkyrie will look at every story and list these with a file date so they manually write these. Latest stories were just posted on the 18th of January 2022. What the fuck? 18th January 2022. What the fuck? 18th January 2022. So there are still people paying

the $15 a month membership fee, and she is still posting this on her own Gateway 2000 computer in her flat, for sure. Yeah. Wow. Two of them written in Italian. So it still has an international fan base.

There's also a set of guides that she put. Some of her monthly newsletters were instead Understanding the Internet, which is just a guide to using the internet, like how to use newsgroups, investing in internet stocks, how to use Ad groups, investing in internet stops, how to use AdBlocker, basically. I can't believe it.

Like, manually doing these updates. Like, they sit down in an HTML file and type in a notepad and put it all on the site. It's blowing my mind. So good. For 20 years. It's so good. And if you want a site that's less complex than this you can go to thefbl.us

yeah bye we're good we're good have a great day bye bye bye bye Outro Music