The F Plus - 382: Good Reads for Bad Needs

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

Let's speak honestly for a moment: We're all intelligent, thoughtful, sexual beings, right? And as such, we desire intelligent, thoughtful, well-written pornography, don't we? I dunno, but anyway here's some crap. This week, The F Plus learns the meaning of banal anal.

It's hard to pour beers when six guys are fucking you. That's true, that's true. You get jostled a little. I'm writing about the book I read. I have to sing about the book I read. I'm embarrassed to admit it It's the soft spot of my heart When I found out you wrote the book I read

So take my shoulders and Welcome to the F Plus Podcast Terrible prose glistening with enthusiasm In the room tonight we got Lemon The beginning was a good build up And then when the action started It became very cheesy in the dialogue. The sex talk was lame and not very original, but I did cum.

Jack Chick. Vlot, I just want to end the Abdelorean pirate slave trade business and set Zorlocks free from their clutches. Achilles Heelies. They want to share me like a big sign of beer and pass me around so they can all taste my strudel. Nutshell Gulag. The Dark One had finally accepted

me just in time for everything to change because Vane's brother, the crocodile, had just arrived on Neverland soil and he's not alone. And somehow only now, for the first time on the podcast, it's Turtle. Yay! He teases, he entices, he sucks, he fucks, and his machines do the rest.

This is how the legend of Dr. Jackmeoff was born. Yes. Yes. Yeah! Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes! And Boots Reingear, as much as that prospect terrifies her, Luana cannot deny being intrigued by the hybrid she is to marry,

with his strange eyes full of stars, his majestic wings, and his hypnotic voice. Hey, F-Bus. Hello. Hey, Boots. I got a question specifically for Jack Chick. Yeah, what's up?

Jack Chick, what you been reading lately? Yeah, so I've been going, I've been trying to read through a bunch of murakami um and also uh you know uh books about artisan cheesemaking okay is there any fucking in them i mean there's there's a bunch in the cheesemaking yeah is that how you make the cheese yeah Yeah, that's kind of an advanced technique. Nice. Well, you know, there's all of that time you have to wait for it to age. What else are you going to do? But also, like, there's a number of very fine French cheeses that you have to squirt into.

Wow. Wow. So that's where that Listeria outbreak came from That's how you get the stink Wow this What the fuck So speaking of Jack Chicks being the source of Listeria

We've got a document from SecretGage in 69 and completely Unrelated to that It's about Goodreads pages, articles, I guess. Goodreads is a website for listing books and reviewing books and having stupid opinions on books. And this is all specifically for erotica found on there.

I'm pretty excited for this. So are you trying to tell me that the books That we're going to read While erotic in nature Will be, like, sophisticated? Because I'm an intelligent person Yeah, classy I want my assy to be classy

Obviously I brought you here I brought Nutshell here I brought Jack Chick here I brought Turtle here And brought nutshell here about jack checker I brought a turtle here and Achilles is also here Achilles puts the anal in banal so so lemon yeah could you uh start us off

give us the you know a little bit of a description for... Description? Description. You really have to do it all the time? Somebody's going to get smoked for this. I went a little hard on the whiskey right before we started, so I apologize. You're doing an excellent job.

Thank you. Oh, that's great. It's good to hear. I'll just... Why don't we just wrap it up? The problem is your morning time dot is right now um morning time that is time that is is gone we had to use time.gov everything's been thrown out of whack i don't know what to do i'm i'm hosting this episode uh uh lemon tell us about uh rock chick Oh sure You're into Rock Chick Rescue So that's great I just want you to know that there's

There's more to erotica than just 50 Shades Whether headed for Happily Ever After Or just a momentary happy ending These are good examples of what's beyond Christian and Anastasia Right? Okay Yeah okay Now then Rock Chick Number 2 examples of what's beyond Christian and Anastasia. Okay.

Now then, Rock Chick number two. This is a total score of 4.3. Jet McAllister. Your name is Kristen Ashley. Yeah, I'm Kristen Ashley. Yep, absolutely. I'm a good reads author. Jet McAllister has a secret.

Eddie Chavez has the hots for jet not to mention eddie's just plain hot are those my secrets that yes my secrets are that eddie has the her secret is unspecified because uh then apparently you'll want to read the book to find out oh okay well i guess hopefully there's a series. Okay. So, yeah, Jet McAllister has a secret and then a completely different point sharing the same paragraph. Anyway, Jet has too many problems to realize that Eddie's interested. Eddie loses patience when Jet ends her waitressing shift at a strip club with a knife at her throat. Boom.

Yep. Why is that her fault? Let's move on. Let's move on. Since Eddie's a cop, he figures he can help. Since Jet's used to solving everyone's problems, she doesn't want Eddie's help. That does sound like a real cop move.

What, holding a knife to her throat at closing time? Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. It's not a gun. Fair, yeah. Throw in a Dolly Parton lookalike, a gruff but lovable strip club owner, Jet's ne'er-do-well father,

his ne'er-do-well friend. The father's friend? Neither of these people do well. Never, never do they do well. It's good that roustabouts have found a place in the world. Yes, yes, vagabonds, yes, absolutely. What about rapscallions, though? So, yeah, the ne'er-do-well friend bear.

Bear, so I got the ne'er-do-well father, then the ne'er-do-well's father's ne'er-do-well friend Bear, then, since we're on the topic of Bear, Bear's long-suffering chain-smoking wife, Levon, and the crew from Rock Chick, and you've got Rock Chick Rescue!

What the fuck is Rock Chick? So, apparently only Bear and Levon have names out of all the secondary cast members. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've done well enough for that. I guess we would have had to have read Rock Chick 1 to understand what Rock Chick are.

You haven't? I'm sorry. Rock Chick Rescue takes you on a wild ride with Jet, Eddie, and the gang as they wrestle bad guys in a bagel shop? Cool. Great. They hit Denver's backstreet poker tables with big hair.

Okay. You parts that. And they help the strippers at Smithy's take down a would-be murderer. Through this, Jet's got to learn that even when life made you give up your dreams, you can still end up with the hot guy. Eddie's got to rescue Jet from a bad man

so he can do better things with her and teach her that some dreams can come true. I'm a writer. You sure are. You wrote all that. I typed all of that. That was some good typing. Oh, I did just realize that I thought Eddie put a knife to her throat

because the way that was written was so poor. No. No. Okay. I get it now. No. Okay. Cool.

No, Eddie just lost patience with her because somebody put a knife to her throat. Yeah. Oh, God again. Jesus Christ. Why do you keep on putting yourself in these situations where you're victimized? Because the writer's shitty. That's why. Goodreads has a section called Popular Answered Questions. Victoria Town

has something to ask. Nutshell? I'm reading this book now. Anyone else absolutely hate that she calls her lady bits her doodah? It drives me crazy. Put it in my doodah. Turtle, take Wheelie.

You're not alone. I also hated her incessant use of the term eek, too. The character seems to be a 13-year-old tweenager trapped in the body of a 20-something. Eek, my doodah! Well, since they're all stealing from young adult novels, that's probably the case. So 13 years old would not be a tweenager. It's right there in the word, man.

And then Blackie Romance Addict has a review and also has placed it on several shelves. Blackie loved this book. Yeah, I rated this five out of five stars. It's on my favorites, my favorites shelf, my favorite contemporary shelf, my red 2014 shelf, my five stars for enjoyment shelf, my read contempt modern erotica shelf, my red 2013 shelf, my red 2021 shelf, my review shelf, my red 2012 shelf. You read this over four different years. This is just a yearly read for this book. Yeah, no, this is Blackie's Anna Karenina right here. Three years in a row and then came back seven years later to be like, you know what, it's been a while.

I always find something new in the text. Dog-eared, underlined, highlighter, notes in the margin. Like, what does she mean by Doodah here Doodah Doodah Chiquita Women spend a lot of time

Sitting around bitching that there are no Good men out there I hate to tell you this but there aren't a lot of Good women either The difference is when a man sees one, he knows it. Then he goes after her and wears her down until she's his. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Hey, Lemon, you want me to make it worse? Yep. Yeah? Then if he's any man at all, he won't let her go. Yay!

That sounds healthy. That's a good romantic relationship to idealize. Yeah, I like that. I like that whole worldview. That's all in quotes. Is that from the book? Yeah, that's from the book. And then she posted the little, what do you call it, Hunger Games gif with the girl screaming, I volunteer.

And then she actually starts talking underneath that. Because she wants to get worn down. Yeah, worn down and never let go. I actually forgot how awesome this book was, Less Than Three. Being the second in line, so many others came after it that were amazing and pushed Eddie down on the list of fad rc men but really eddie is less than three this one is fun like the rest of them with another clueless heroine and a guy who's doing everything to make her see he won't let her go

thanks glam for rereading it with me less than three. Every time it says, won't let her go, I'm just matching a human-sized kennel in his garage. Blackie, asterisk, romance addict, asterisk, has rated 1,283 books on Goodreads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. I am right now at this moment creating a Goodreads account in order to find out what else Blackie likes.

Great, thank you. You're doing the Lord's work, Larry. I sure am. Heelys. I'm sorry. Real quick, before we move on, has anybody gone to the actual Smut for the Smart list? No.

Okay. So there's a link at the top. And, you know, at the beginning, Lemon mentioned, like, you know, there's more to erotica than just Fifty Shades. Yeah. Right. So I would just like to state that the number 27 book on the list is Fifty Shades of Grey I'm surprised it's not higher yeah like

there's more to it including there's more to erotica than Fifty Shades of Grey but that's still inclusive of Fifty Shades yeah yeah yeah Fifty Shades Darker is 38 I like like 50 Shades. What do I read now? How about the back of a box of oatmeal?

Awesome. Heelys, can you read us the description of the book Beauty's Punishment by, I don't know, some probably unknown author? Oh, okay. Well, yes. I am unknown. I'm A.N. Rockalar, or otherwise known as Anne Rice. Yay! Oh, Lord. My mama had a copy of Anne Rice's The Mummy,

and so I got to read all the sex scenes in that, and that doesn't make me look upon this kindly. Well, this is the delicious and erotically charred sequel to the Claiming of Sleeping Beauty from the author of Beauty's

Kingdom. It is impossible to read anything from Anne Rice without using that voice. I imagine that you have, like, a beignet at your desk just in case the topic comes up. Yes, of course.

This sequel to The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, the first of Anne Rice's writing as A.N. Roquelard, volumes of erotica, continues her explicit teasing exploration of the psychology of human desire.

Now Beauty, having indulged in a secret and forbidden infatuation with the rebellious slave Prince Tristan, is sent away from the satiricon-like world of the castle. Sold at auction,

she will soon experience the tantalizing punishments of the village, as her education in love, cruelty, dominance, and submission and tenderness is turned over to the brazenly handsome Captain of the

Guard. Okay, so you did, you took the story of O and you did like a find and replace on proper nouns. Is that what happened? So because this is an Anne Rice book, I'm pretty sure that that's not pronounced the village, it's the village.

The village. And once again rice's tale of pleasure and pain dares to explore the most primal and well hidden desires of the human heart this series predates the eroticism of E.L. James Fifty Shades of Grey and Sylvia

Day's Bear D.U. oh no this bracket never ends what did that have why did you say that gray and Sylvia days bared to you oh no this bracket never ends the bracket never ends what did that have why did you say that because that's when S&M was invented oh okay so the real heads know

that Anne Rice invented S&M yeah hey my name's Hillary I gave this a 3 out of 5 personally I don't find this book as enjoyable Hey, my name's Hillary. Cool. I gave this a 3 out of 5. Personally, I don't find this book as enjoyable as the first. Then again, I'm not really into pain and punishment.

Then why are you reading an S&M book? Yeah, if you're not into punishment, why are you reading Anne Rice? Yeah. Yeah. Why am I doing this? It's mentally stimulating, but lack the depth of the first book. Still a good read if you're into raunchy erotica. And then,

fuck. Lemon, take Matt Pichochinsky. Yeah, my name's Matt, and this was three out of five for me. This second installment was to the first, as Empire Strikes Back was to New Hope.

Fucking hell. Thank you. Goodbye! I'd like to note that one of the shelf tags for this book is cringe-worthy. Well, to an orgy, everybody. Now I'm getting horny.

Hey, Turtle, could you read the next book in the document? I'd rather not read the next book. Yeah, you have to read the whole thing. Here we go. You should have told me this. I had a time. Just go into a corner. Don't say anything out loud.

Just do it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. This is the sound. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Don't read it out. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah.

Don't read it out of the document. Read it out of the actual page, because there's some more info on the actual page. Mm-hmm. Okay, let me pull that up. Oh, goodness. This is the claiming ofing of Wondrous Woman in the Land of Ice and Snow. Ah!

Superheroines in erotic... Superheroines in erotic bondage number one. That implies that she's going to make more. What's the name of this author? Bella Swan Cool Of course it is Real quick, good news, they didn't make any more of these

Oh, thank god Oh, so it's a collector's edition Nipped it in the bud Well no, this is the only one in the Superheroines in Erotic Bondage Category This is a very explicit Well, no, this is the only one in the super heroines and erotic bondage category. Oh, okay. This is a very explicit sex story of the claiming of Wondrous Woman, a superhuman alien who escapes an invasion of her home planet, Chrysalis.

Wondrous Woman? Uh-huh. Original character, do not steal. Desperate to find a safe new world to live, she crashes on Earth and encounters a series of dangerously erotic situations. She first encounters the prehistoric

snake-like monster known as the Manipogo. Is that a real cryptid or something they made up? Now, by real cryptid, what do you mean? I mean, like, an already established cryptid or something they've made up? Now, by real cryptid, what do you mean? I mean, like, an already established cryptid. I'm googling. Either I'm just gonna...

Nope, yep. In Canadian folklore, the Manipogo is a lake monster said to live in Lake Manitoba. Keep going, Turtle. After barely escaping the Manipogo Wondrous Woman Then encounters two CSIS agents Who take the complete possession of her

As they arrest her And take her back to a secret CSIS lab CSIS is the Canadian CIA Yeah, it makes sense Good, good Are they also in Lake Winnipeg? Yep.

That's just where the lab is. I guess we know where the author's from. There she encounters the dangerous Dr. Kanata and his brainwashed lab assistant, Julia, who work together to interrogate a wondrous woman and break her...

Kanata is a neighborhood of Ottawa. Dr. Kanata and Julia. Julia! Interrogate Wondrous Woman and break her through a combination of pleasure and pain to Dr. Kanata's will.

Warning. Explicit sex story with elements of dubious consent. Hypnosis, trans, sleep sex, tentacle sex, dominant male, submissive female, lactation, anal, and BDSM. Oh my god. This is a work of fiction. Good lord, Bella Swan. What else can we fit in here?

That's what she said. What else can we fit in here? That's what she said. Hey, my name's L. Steele. I don't want to tell you about my book. It's called The Billion... Sorry, we're in a category called Books About Billionaires. Oh, boy. It's a whole section.

It's a whole section, Books About Billionaires. This is The Billionaire's Fake Wife. Thanks, Secret Cajun Session. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a whole section. Books about billionaires. This is The Billionaire's Fake Wife. Thanks. Secret Cajun Sushi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is number one of the Big Bad Billionaire series. I'm a big bad billionaire! I never should have agreed to become his

fake wife. Sinclair. Sorry. Sorry, this is a name. Sinclair I'm sorry. Amadeus. Sorry, this is a name. Sinclair Amadeus Sterling aka Mr. Superior Jackass with a god complex.

Also my blackmailer. Gulp. The first time I met him, I need him in his very well endowed balls. Don't ask. I'm not gonna. Tall, dark, and gazillionaire growly pants. I'm not gonna. So when he offers me the chance to work with him, I can hardly refuse, right? Only catch. I need to be his pretend wife for, hold your breath, 30 days. I have to hold my breath the whole 30 days?

I don't think I could do that. I should have turned and run, but, ellipses, he has the connections to help my sister's failing health, not to mention the money to wipe away my debt. And yeah, that sneaky video recording of him getting me off. OMFG. Wow. I can see why this is like a sexual character.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Besides, it's only 30 days a it's not like i'm in danger of falling in love with london's most notorious bachelor then it reveals the real reason for the charade sorry london then it reveals the real reason for the charade yeah thank you thank you thank you and everything you. And everything changes. Note, this is an enemies to lovers, fake marriage, billionaire romance featuring a hot possessive billionaire and the

curvy spitfire who dares to go toe to toe with him. That's not like Fifty Shades of Grey at all. Yeah, I really got the sense that the female character was a spitfire there. It's very different because I think she's like little in Fifty Shades and this one's curvy. That's the difference.

Hey, Nutshell, could you read this excerpt from this book for us, please? Sure. It starts with a quote that says, You must forgive my lips. They find pleasure in the most unusual places. A good year, Director Ridley Scott. And actually, even before that

is an ad for another thing yes blame your free contemporary romance box set summer slap slap kiss kiss huh? I stare at the bartender aka there's a thin line between love and hate

he shakes out the crimson liquid into my glass nah I snort why would she allow him to control her after he insulted her? It's the chemistry between them. He lowers his head. You have to admit that when a man is arrogant and a woman resists, it's a challenge to both of them to see who blinks first, huh? Oh man, it's too bad that Dracula has to take work as a bartender.

Why? I wave my hand in the air. Because they hate each other? Because, he chuckles, the girl in school whose braids I pulled and teased mercilessly is the one who I proposed to, I have. His face lights up. You get it now?

Yeah, no. A headache begins to pound in my temples. This crash course in pop psychology is not why I came to my favorite bar in Islington to meet my best friend, who is, I glanced at the face of my phone, 30 minutes late. What amazing dialogue.

Really good prose. You know what they say, kiss, kiss, slap, slap. No, slap, slap, kiss, kiss. Lemon, come on. Okay. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, we got a book here called Billionaire Bosshole. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Look, I know that there's another book. I know that there's another book, but we're not done. But Lemon, that book is called Billionaire Bosshole. Okay. I know there's another book. All right. Can you read the review for the first one by Lucia?

Yeah, my name's Lucia, maybe. And this is a formal petition for the hero to wash his ass in balls. He hasn't washed his ass in balls once in this book. I couldn't handle his mustiness seeping through the pages.

How am I supposed to get off to this? That's her fancy internet speak way of saying that this guy sucks. Musty? Musty? Yep. Okay. Thank you. One out of five

let's see it does not care for billionaire's fake life that guy needs to go wash his musty ass yeah hey Heelys yeah tell us a little bit

about billionaire boss hole billionaire boss hole Heelyionaire boss hole. I will, but I'm getting hot and bothered. So first I have to say the thing I always say when I'm hot and bothered, which is... Yeah, yeah, Garfield Faton! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! And you fit it in so elegantly. Really natural feeling.

That's how you know I'm going to start. This is our first recording following Garbage Day. Would you like to explain what just happened? No. Okay. No. Don't. No.

Don't. All right. Let's go. Bye-bye. Hi, I'm Laura Lee. Boss hole. Boss hole. Boss hole. Now.

One, a person who turns into a massive jerk 10 seconds after being made supervisor. Two, an employer completely devoid of empathy or concern for anyone else. Three, a manager with whom you often disagree. Also see, jerk boss, a dollar sign dollar sign hole, and egomaniac. Wow. Do you know the one thing

you should never do at work? Your boss. Oh. I like it. Sadly, following that particular piece of advice is much easier said than done. I haven't had a problem with it. Yeah, disagree.

What? It's just you, lady. It's just you. Oh, man. How many jobs have you had? You mean you've had more than three jobs and you've never fucked your boss once? Yeah, I'm a ya-ya. How did you have you had? You mean you've had more than three jobs and you've never fucked your boss once? Yeah, I'm a ya-ya. How did you get those jobs? I'm ya-ya Garfield Tana all over my office.

Oh, it's twice. Yeah. You can't bank them. Ronan Maxwell is hands down the sexiest man I've ever met. He's also... He's Ron Atkinson. Yeah. He's also the pushiest,

most demanding, most arrogant SOB on the planet. And even though I can't stand him, I never stop wondering how his ridiculously pretty mouth would feel against my skin. Or whether or not that bulging pants is as impressive as it seems.

For two years, I had it under control. But then one late night, all that changed. Now that I know firsthand how electrifying his touch can be, I want him more than ever. Danger!

Danger! Abuse a billionaire And the longer we continue This twisted relationship The softer my heart gets I only have one week left to live There's holes in my heart walls I have no idea what the future holds

But one thing I know for sure This man has the power to break my heart Break, break, break, break your heart He's a billionaire They can just do that Yeah He can probably steal all your internal organs And get away with it

And that's one thing I can never let happen A billionaire boss holds a full-length you can probably steal all your internal organs and get away with it. And that's one thing I can never let happen. A Billionaire Boss Holds, a full-length, interconnected, stand-alone novel, betting the billionaire world. Oh, wow. Betting a billionaire guidance. This is nothing like Fifty Shades of Grey.

No. I'm going to read a short portion of... portion of i gotta read an excerpt of the expert that uh the gaysian has provided with us yeah miss montgomery laughed yeah right that prick is incapable of being nice and i'm still not convinced on your theory about the size of his cock his special brand of assholery tells me he's compensating for something. Plus, he drives a McLaren. I mean, come on. If that doesn't scream tiny dick, I don't know what does. I'd be more than happy to prove you wrong, sweetheart.

Fuck. Said cock was getting painfully hard just thinking about it. I pressed my open palm against my fly, willing to calm down. I'd known Quinn Montgomery would be trouble at the moment I'd laid eyes on her. Human resources handled all of the hiring around here, so I hadn't met her until her first day on the job. When I'd caught sight of her long blonde hair, those bee-stung lips and luscious curves, I'd instantly wanted to push her up against the wall and fuck her senseless. Long blonde hair, you say?

Is her name short for Harley Quinn? Hey, I don't know, Jack Chick. No. We're going to move in the category called I Gotta Love Aliens. Oh, no, but there's another book that I'm sure is nothing like Fifty Shades of Grey. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Billionaires, Angels by... Down to the masks on the cover. Billionaires, Angels, Archangel Kisses by P.T. No, but I want to go to a primating agency. Damn it, read this I Married a Lizard Man book. Yeah. I Married a Lizard Man. I want to hear about the eccentric billionaire Loki.

Loki D'Angelo. Oh, wow. All right. Okay, so this book is called I Married a Liz it is by regine able uh it is the first in the prime mating agency series regine able is a usa today best-selling author i don't believe that's a thing yeah um the tagline is uh scaly grumpy but oh so cuddly as a third daughter on the farming colony of materion susan's future prospects aren't too promising a pretty face top-notch skills and hard work mean nothing if your dowry doesn't include fertile lands with her 25th birthday approaching and

no suitors even remotely sniffing in her general direction susan will be forced to leave the family lands to work as an indentured servant in the capital city her only way out is to settle for an arranged marriage through the pma the prime mating agency she just never expected to be paired to a grumpy massive lizard man and above all not to grow so fond of his scales in quirky ways. I'm imagining now that the sexy character is Squidward. One hope. Sure.

With everything going on, the last thing Olix needs is a mate. Especially a squishy, scaleless off-worlder with strange ways and an obsession with farming. He is a hunter, not a dirt digger. The seer must have been mistaken when she insisted that, for the sake of the people, he take a mate from the stars. How can such a tiny thing be their salvation?

And yet, his Susan's softness is disturbingly addictive while hiding a surprising resilience. With his ancestral lands on the line and the future of the clans threatened, could this wisp of a woman turn their fate around? Could they? Like, you're asking me? Yes. Turtle, read this book next.

I just discovered that Goodreads has a nice top shelves for any book listed. And you see that 40 people have put this on their marriage of convenience shelf. It's in the shelves of kissing books. What even is this? 14 people put it on virgin heroin. Books that made me lose friends. Did not finish nine people.

And Turtle, you've got a... Well, you're Nenia and you've got a review of this. I am. I'm Nenia Campbell. Nenia, I yeet my books back and forth, Campbell. Great. Okay. I saw this book on Instagram and was instantly intrigued, because while the cover screamed,

MONSTEROTICA, the blurb seemed way more sophisticated. It was kind of giving me Last Hour of Gan and Radiance vibes. Two books I loved. Okay. The premise is also great, too. Think Harvest Moon in space. Yeah, the one thing I remember about Harvest Moon is all the lizard man fucking.

Mm-hmm. I remember about Harvest Moon is all the lizard man fucking. No, I feel like once I realized that there's girlfriends in Harvest Moon, I'd stop doing any farming. Susan is from a human colony on a planet called

Materion, but only first and second daughters get married and land. Third daughters, like her, get to become indentured servants. If they're lucky. Cool. Because of this, Susan agrees

to a marriage match between the Prime Mating Agency, which basically pairs biocompatible humans with aliens on other planets in economically beneficial arranged marriages. Basically. Basically.

Susan ends up going to a planet that begins with an X. I can't remember what it's called. Is it Xanadu? I hope it's Xanadu. Xenia Xerxes something like that anyway it's populated by aliens called Aldurians they smell terrible

that are hunter that are hunter gatherers who live off the land. It's incredibly fertile land, and people would like to use it for farming, and part of Susan's goal in going there is to convince the aliens about its potential. Susan's husband, Olix, is a total bae. Oh, yeah. Lizard bae. Lizard bae. Lizard bae.

Lizard bae is trending this week. He's the clan leader and an incredibly well-respected hunter. He's also so respectful that he basically puts all human men to shame. Sign me up for the next flight out to Lizardmandia. Okay, bye! After an awkward wedding ceremony and an awkward wedding night, they find out that each other's company

is incredibly agreeable. The only problem is the farming. Turns out he's got a cloaca. No, they say more about that further down. Oh, good. Great. Feel free to skip forward a bit. Yeah, sure.

I'm just going to go ahead and list out some of the things that I really liked slash found humorous about this book. Great. All the farming! Oh god. God. What? Great. There's the two chapters where you collect the

wolf pelts. The hilarious sex scenes. Were they supposed to be hilarious? I don't know. But with lizard men with retracto dicks whose splooge came... Whose splooge cum that tastes like cotton candy. You can't expect me not to laugh. That's disturbing.

Cotton candy jizz. Alright, never mind. I'm fine with it. It's fine. It's fine. It's, uh, it's, uh, this ain't Killer Clowns from Outer Space XXX. Marriage of convenience. High key one of... You forgot part of the hilarious sex scenes

oh I did you know I did forget part of hilarious sex scenes you're right thank you Nacho yeah also he is so pleased at the honor of being her first that he wears her blood stained bed sheets

Jesus Christ OMG vagina have her here first that he wears her blood-stained bedsheets. Jesus Christ! OMG! Vagina have her here. If it's her first time or his first time or their first time and they bleed, you did it

wrong. You injured them. You suck. Would you say that if he's a lizard man with a retracto dick? injured them. You suck. Would you say that if he's a lizard man with a retracto dick? He still sucks. Marriage of convenience.

High key one of my favorite tropes and it's handled really well here. That's your favorite thing in porn? Is when people are married for convenience. All right. I don't like anything else

that they like here. This is all bad. Great. But you're honestly blown away by how fun it was. Heelys, what the fuck did you find? Heelys found a couple things, and I liked them both. I liked a lot of them. What's that first thing you found?

Well, let me read the description to you, then I'll tell you what it is. Great. Thank you. This is by Fanny Tucker. Conjured into joining your friend Jennifer at Miami's hottest nightclub, Naomi has little hope of finally meeting the man who can satisfy

her strange, unfulfilled fantasies. When she meets Chuck, she quickly realizes that his obsession with all things big makes him the perfect man for her kinky desires.

Things really heat up when he gets Naomi home and she reveals the true nature of her lust. This is the story, Nostril Fucked by the Micropenis. Surprise!

Somebody cling to the rules of the Tingleverse title thing, but not the spirit. Nope. Yeah, can I read you the titles of a few other books by Fanny Tucker? Yeah, please. Yeah, there's Garden Gnome Gangbang,

Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man, Yep, that makes sense. I Fucked the Puppet, and then I Fucked the Puppet! Yeah, I Fucked the Puppet. That one has an average of 3.2 stars. Has a very good book cover.

Hey, Bliss. Yeah. My name's MJ Edwards. Experience satisfaction like no other. Have you ever needed to go so bad it hurt? And when you finally went, how did it make you feel? Pretty good. Good? Of course it did.

Of course it did. Don't be afraid to admit it. Stella Stipsy has been in the bathroom so long, she's forgotten just how good a satisfying poo can be. Until one day, she lays one out that makes her feel so alive. She realizes something that exhilarating must have a higher purpose. It must be here for a reason.

Because when you have the perfect poo, our emotions can get the better of us. Or could it really be true love? Her in the toilet? Two people are currently reading this. 87 people want to read this. Like right now as we speak.

Also, under the covers with a flashlight. With a flashlight in it. I want to tell you a little bit about Accidentally Faded. Oh, cool. Great. A rejected mate sci-fi romance by Athena Storm and Tara Star. Okay. This has an average rating of 4.29.

Most people welcome. I will say, if you're listening to this podcast, please take a moment at some point, not if you're driving, but look at the document. There's a picture of the cover of this book, and it is amazing. Yeah, no description could do it justice. It is absolutely amazing. Yeah, no, I think the description is, ah! Yeah, okay, there you go. If we had Frank West here, we could do a better interpretation of it.

Most people welcome their fated mates with open arms, right? Yeah. No. Why did I have to get the one man in the universe not interested in love? The handsome Dragonian warrior with the killer body ruined my life. Literally. He's the reason my lab is a smoking pile of rubble, my condo is in flames, and my life's work is gone.

So what if he saved me multiple times? Let's not even mention how my body came to life when he carried me to safety. His strong, muscled arms held me so close to our hearts beat in unison. I feel like you're mentioning it right now. Yeah, that's sweet and all, but let's talk about my ruined life. Great! Yay!

How after him I'm ruined for any other man. How my mind is ruined with excitement when I'm next to him. How my body has been ruined with the desire for his touch my whole life is gone I'm completely at the mercy of his hungry eyes

and cold heart I don't want to love him I should hate him but I kind of love to hate him because because yeah we may argue but the making up, it's so explosive. Authors note, this is a completely standalone novel set in the Athenaverse.

Even if you've never come into the Athenaverse, you'll be able to enjoy this science fiction romance that has no cliffhangers or cheating and guaranteed happily ever after. Oh, don't spoil it. That's nice. Traditional marriage. Good. And Jack, could you read this short excerpt from this book from chapter four? Yeah, this is this chapter is called Ashley. My scientific brain was infuriated at the throbbing hormone that stood before me.

Singular? What? I guess so. Yeah. I don't understand why this is confusing. My scientific brain was infuriated at the throbbing hormone that stood before me. I forget.

Nutshell, are women's minds bifurcated into scientific and unscientific brains? Absolutely they are. Okay. Okay, good. Thank you. Oblivious to the amount of destruction he had unleashed around him.

Other parts of me were thinking all sorts of other things. Yay! But that was the unscientific brain, so I can't really tell. That's a complete sentence. Did I leave the oven on? Things that made no logical sense. With a stunning amount of effort, I pushed those thoughts aside. We stood, eye to eye, daring the other to blink.

I had to admit, watching him get dressed down was very satisfying, as was watching his muscles clench in frustration. Damn it, move on, Rene. I'm sure there was a scientific explanation for these conflicting thoughts, but I wasn't too interested in exploring that right now, and it seemed I wouldn't have the chance, not right away anyway. This is one of the virginiest books we've ever read. Yeah. I want to hear more of it. The next book in the document is called I Promise for Vore,

and it's about a person named Vore, and it doesn't seem to be about eating people, so that's boring. No, no. Boo. Boo. Boo. But Lemon, tell us about Demon on the Down Low.

Oh, sorry, we're shifting and monster loving. We're in shifting and monster loving. There's a picture of a guy pretending to be Edward Snowden on the cover of this book, so we're pretty happy. Yeah, so this is in this is supernatural selection number three what yeah read the read the little bit of text in the on on the the fake polaroid on the uh the cover of this it's on it's on a spare drum yeah demon on the download download

has a hyphen in it uh supernatural selection and then uh there's a little Polaroid. Caption on the Polaroid says Goodem wultum nis ruum. No PDA. Discretion a must, or there'll be hell to pay. Okay. Great. After decades of... This is a 4.21, so pretty good. It's over 554 ratings.

After decades of unrequited love, this kangaroo will jump at the chance for a date. Any date. Lovelorn kangaroo shifter Hamish Mulhern, the drummer for the hit rock band Hunter's Moon, waited years for the band's jaguar shifter bassist to notice him. God, J.J. Abrams is such a good writer. Oh, dude.

Instead. What? You're just right there in the world, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead, she's just gotten married and is in a thriving poly relationship. Oh, we're here already. Okay, cool. How is Hamish supposed to compete with that?

Hamish. Hamish? Okay, great. How is Hamish supposed to compete with that? Probably differently. But with everyone else in the band mated and revoltingly happy, he needs somebody. Since he can't expect True Love to strike

twice, he signs up with Supernatural Selection. Because what the hell? Since he can't expect true love to strike twice He signs up with supernatural selection Because what the hell Did true love strike once? Yeah, yeah It was only a bland blow Unrelated to this blurb You didn't read the pre-blurb

There's a whole thing Right, no, is it true love with the bassist who does not like him or care about him? Perhaps. Perhaps. Yeah. Like, one thing we've learned from this document is that love looks weird. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, all right.

Love looks weird and walks funny. When Zeke Oz was placed at Supernatural Selection through the SHIELD work-release program, he thought he was the luckiest demon alive. But when he seems responsible for several massive matchmaking errors, he's put on notice. Find the perfect match for Hamish, or get booted back to SHIELD for good. The only catch? He's got to do it without the

agency's matchmaking spells. What? But how's he gonna do that? And Hamish simply will not engage. It's like a casual phone game, but a book. But Zeke starts to believe that all the reason, the reason all of Hamish's dates

fizzle is because nobody in the database is good enough for him. And Hamish realizes that his perfect match might be the cute demon who's trying so hard to make him happy. That's not a plot. That's not a plot to a book. You forgot to have a plot.

Oh, well, you know, Phrasing Complex is here and has some objections to make about it Oh no Russell has unfortunately confused a British dialect with the Australian language which really pee-bang

dolla dolla did me off Now? Now? Now Now Just to note a few Bollocks, sod, and init Are all predominantly British Okay, okay

Especially Big bold here Especially init Teakettle Holy crap If someone said that here Oh, big bold here. Especially in it. Tea kettle? Holy crap. If someone said that here, they would forever be nicknamed tea kettle, and it would likely end up on their gravestone. Here lies tea kettle so-and-so.

Nice. Real good. Real good. Good routine. Are there no tea kettles? Like, there's no... Like, how do you make tea in Australia? I don't understand.

Let him keep reading. No, they just drink Vegemite. Oh, God. You put it in a tea swabbler. Oh, of course, a tea swabbler. Australians do not say our sober tea kettle. End of story.

All right. Alright. Great. Bogan is a term akin to redneck. One would not disparage oneself by thinking, I am a total bogan, as a reaction to a screw-up. God, I'm just drifting between Australian and British and kind of New Zealand-ish, and part of the problem is every time I read a word it fucks me up. Just like this book!

Yeah. Yeah. It's appropriate. and kind of New Zealand-ish, and part of the problem is every time I read a word, it fucks me up. Just like this book! It's appropriate. It also only came in the 1980s and, therefore, would be lost on this character. He should have called himself a dropkick drongo! Drongo! The Victorians didn't send the convicts to Botany Bay as they were still the English then. Australia had yet to even be named Australia.

Victoria didn't even exist yet. Virtually no Aussie would make that mistake, especially because of the still prevalent controversy slash animosity regarding that period of Australian history. And as the character is supposed to be Australian. Yeah, fucking colonials. I know there should be some leniency to give way for creativity and suspension of reality, but this just feels like misrepresentation that could have been easily counteracted. Evidently, I feel strongly about this matter. I wanted... This weird kangaroo is offensive.

I wanted more realism in my fucking kangaroo jaguar book. Kangaroo jack? More like kangaroo jaguar book. Kangaroo Jack? More like Kangaroo Jack Off. Hey, Nutshell. Yeah? You're going to take the role of Scarlet Hyacinth here. Oh, boy. Isn't that a kind of...

Isn't that a kind of parrot? Scarlet Hyacinth. It's a color of a flower. Oh, oh good. This has... I read forward in this a little bit, and it has all sorts of... This is a Siren Publishing Classic.

Fun stuff. Siren Classic, Man Love, Erotic, Alternative, Paranormal, Romance, MM, Shape Chipters, Light BDSM, Spanking, and Sex Toys. The one that they don't mention here is Mpreg! Romance MM shapeshifters like BDSM, spanking, and sex toys. The one that they don't mention here is Mpreg. Yeah, that's just fun when it sneaks up on you. Sushi or soulmate? What a ridiculous question. There is no doubt in Sharkshifter Byron's mind that when he feels for Seymour, Skyler is genuine.

But Byron is well aware of the difference between them. He is a monster, and that puts sweet-natured Skylar out of his reach. In his fear of hurting Skylar, he pushes the Seahorse away. But when Skylar's attacked, Byron knows he cannot stay away from Skylar anymore. Skylar

has always been searching for his soulmate, that special person he would share his life and innocence with. When he meets Byron, he instantly feels the bond between them. In Byron's power and forcefulness, he finds an anchor. But even as they attempt to build a life together, there are still many challenges ahead.

When Skylar unexpectedly becomes pregnant, because he's a seahorse, guys! Byron will have to deal with fatherhood, even though that's not how seahorses work! With fatherhood, and protect his new family from an unexpected

threat. So the one man shapeshifts from a man into a shark, and the other man shapeshifts from a man into a seahorse. Are they the same sizes as each other? Is it a real small shark or a real big seahorse? Really, there they the same sizes as each other? Like, is it a real small shark or a real big seahorse?

Really? There's no good and happy answer for that, Lemon. Lemon, aren't you looking at the picture of the cover? Oh, they are the same size! You're right, they are the same size.

Okay. The cover makes it look like the shark is, like, his hand. I just... Like, they're trying to look at each other's eyes, but they both have eyes on the sides of their faces. They can only do it one eyeball at a time.

My name is Otilia, and I gave this a 2.5. I learn all kinds of things when I read MM, like the fact that sharks have two dicks. Oh, I don't think that's right. Nope. That's what I read in this.

How many penises do sharks have? Skylar is a seahorse shifter, and he's had the hots for Byron, the shark shifter, for a while, but Byron's not interested. Or at least that's what Skylar thinks. In fact, Byron is very interested, but is afraid of hurting the delicate-looking Skylar with his massive size and beady SM kinks.

He's also afraid of scaring him off with his two dicks thing. But Skylar finds that he enjoys pain and having two cocks inside him, so it's all good. Okay, so Discovery says that actually sharks do have two penises sort of known as claspers these two reproductive organs are only on male sharks the writing of the plot made me a little bit so much so i thought they'd fall out of my head but i decided i'd just go with it and turned out to be an okay read it's the fifth in the series There's a whole universe here That we really have to You know what the series is right

You know what the series is The series is called the mate or meal series It started out with the lamb who cried wolf Right Then there was the wolf who hatched an egg Which is wolf slash swan Then there is the love he squirreled away Wolf who hatched an egg, right? Which is wolf slash swan. Then there is the love he squirreled away.

That one is wolf slash squirrel, obviously. Then there is the lynx who claimed the sun. I think it's a hummingbird. Lynx and a hummingbird, it looks like. Then the shark who rode a seahorse. We're familiar. Then the gazelle who caught a lion. Perfect.

Except I still don't know. We're kind of running a little low, so it's the demon who fed on a shark. Then it's the seahorse who loved the wrong lynx, so like, that's a real, that's a genuine fish out of water situation. Then there's the lynx who purred for a side prince.

The half-breed who found his other half. The swan who flew after a wolf. Oh my god, we keep going. Back to my review. I'm really only interested in this two cocks thing. Do I need to read all these other books? See, they're not actually

cocks, though. They're just modified pelvic there were a couple things that i didn't like i wanted more bnsm there was some mild spanking and one whipping at the beginning and then nothing until the very end after all the talk from byron about how past lovers couldn't keep up with them it was a bit of a letdown was the spanking while you were in shark and seahorse form was was the shark spanking the seahorse with a fin the answer to that's going to be disappointing so let's just say yes all right all right great uh the other thing is skylar is not telling byron he could get pregnant that was just not cool when byron was completely shocked that he knocked skylar up and then yells at him that maybe you should have let

Byron know that this could happen, Byron's excuse is I didn't know how to tell you. And Byron is the one that feels bad for yelling at him. Arrgh, that shit bugs me a lot. And then yeah. Great. Still, this was better than the dolphins, but not

as good as the arca. I'll just stop there. Okay, great. Fantastic. Hey, Heelys. Yeah, what's up? We're moving into the category of undead lovers. Of course.

Yeah, could you just, I don't know, tell us a little bit about the first book in this category? Yeah, could you just tell us a little bit about the first book in this category? Do you mean Kickboxer in the Haunted Gay Gym? Yeah, that's the one. Oh no, there's a kickboxer in this haunted gay gym. That person looks like they have too many abs. Yeah, yeah, this person's got a 12-pack. Cory's a handsome kickboxer with a blown-out knee. Down on his luck

and out of a job, he gets a letter in the mail. He's won a free lifelong membership to a legendary gym. But wait, wasn't that closed down? The Hanan gym was closed down, but it's reopening just for Corey.

The ghosts need a hot jock body medium to contact the earth again, and in this gym you'll be tantalized by the ghosts and spirits of sex and lust and ways his tight athletic body has never seen before. The ghosts of day sex

will visit Corey. Three times. Go ahead and please just read a short excerpt from this. Corey's jockstrap slid down his beefy thighs and dropped to the floor. He let a small moan go as he felt an electric tingle circle his thickening cock. circle his thickening cock. Electric tingles of sensation began tracing up his body over his rippling abs and across his rock-hard pecs. Corey could feel his shirt being pulled up and over his head. He watched as it floated gently to the floor. He couldn't see anything in the long, full-length mirror but himself floating in the air

as a blue electric glow crackled around him. His whole body felt wonderful, as the energy concentrated on certain parts of his body. Two weeks ago, Corey had gotten a card in the mail. He had won a raffle and the first prize was a lifelong

membership to Wilson's gym. The strange thing was Corey didn't remember entering any raffle, and the even prize was a lifelong membership to Wilson's gym. The strange thing was Corey didn't remember entering any raffle, and the even stranger thing was he thought that Wilson's been closed for years. The strangest thing is that apparently ghosts can use the postal service. Yeah, there's a lot of strange things in electric tingles.

Yep. Yep. Coming about to the end here, Jack Check. Hi. Hi. uh coming about to the end here check check hi uh hi uh uh take uh take take the description of daisy harris's book here oh are you talking about uh uh lust after death uh love bots number one yeah uh and also this i don't know what this heading at the top means. Allura's Cave Twilight? Yeah. Lust After Death is my favorite Love and Rockets album. In the Pacific Northwest, where life hurries to keep pace with technology,

a reanimated bride named Josie struggles to escape her creator and to find her identity in the half-erased circuitry of her mind and body. Assassin Bane Connor just wants to get the girl to the zombie underground

and receive his payoff, a mental reset that will erase his memories as well as his guilt. But an attack by a rival faction derails his rescue, and the wide-eyed female, female, female, the wide eyed female I will claim as my

prize whose circuitry requires a husband tears at his hardened heart and ignites desire like he's never known acting as Josie's spouse substitute is tougher than

assassin Bane Connor expected. The newborn Stein needs touch to live? And what? And wanting her is a complication he doesn't need. To make matters worse, she sees into the darkest recesses of his mind. The last thing a killer wants is for his lover to read his thoughts. But if Josie can love him the way he's programmed, perhaps assassin Bane Connor can find a way to heal his past. Aw.

Table available for assassin Bane Connor. Bane Connor. Baneane Connor report to the courtesy phone Yeah and go ahead and read The excerpt Oh sorry it's not an excerpt it's a review by Kelly Sorry Nutshell Could you be Kelly

I could try. Oh, guys! Oh, guys! I swear to you that this book was written expressly for me. That our zombie-type folks who fall in love and have dirty, dirty sex will be hunted down by nefarious evil corporation bliss! Did I mention the part about the dirty sex soon? That was nice. Bane and

Josie have excellent chemistry. Even when he's trying to keep his distance, Bane is drawn to her. Her particular quirk, needing touch to survive, puts him in the position of getting very personal very fast. And it worked. It totally worked.

I loved that Josie was basically a clean slate when it came to sex she got to learn things as they happened i liked that and i love that bane had the opportunity to explain what to call his part thumbs up honest to gosh i had a lot of fun with this book. It had the sex that I like, the bad guys who were creepy, scary, and enough sparks to set a house on fire. Zombie love. Who knew it

could be so fun? Wow. She sounds fun. She sounds like something. I'm honestly entirely enraptured by the by the Lovebot series by Daisy Harris Lemon

could you read the description to the second book in the series that I just pasted yeah so this is Studentstein by the way you said you know in a nutshell I'm sorry you didn't appreciate Daisy Harris' work because you said that zombies, no, no, no Daisy Harris works in the

Frankenstein she works in the Stein genre they're reanimated by science as opposed to Stein genre it's the Stein genre, yes, absolutely Franken-Ben. Yes, absolutely. Frank and Ben Stein.

Yes, absolutely. Anyway. Book two in the Lovebot series. A man built for sex. A woman who wants more. Freedom fighter Shani Brown is determined to drag the ungrateful Royce back to her team in Seattle. is determined to drag the ungrateful Royce back to her team in Seattle. Despite his denial of mistreatment, she wants to give him a chance at a better life. Due to her horrific past as an unlicensed love bot,

Shawnee never plans to have sex again, but Royce's makers punish him remotely with crippling pain. His only escape is to orgasm. Good. It's pretty much crank. It's pretty much crank now. Oh, okay. Good.

Yeah. Never one to turn her back on a job. Shani finds herself servicing him and soon after caring for him. Love bot Royce Harden wasn't looking to be rescued, especially not from the San Francisco BDSM club where he was having a perfectly good time. What? What? face his vanity, his makers, and even the loss of his sexual upgrades! What? He's going to be the man that Shani is. No, yeah, he has to start over at level one.

To turn in all of his gear. Does he have to go through the tutorial zone again? It's the Metroid of robot fuckbooks. At Turtle, fortunately this is a completed trilogy. There's a third book in it called

Built For It. Book three in the Lovebot series. When a riot erupts in Built For's Stein Building Lab, the Alpha Stein, Key, drags a submissive young lab assistant into his cage.

Key's been studying the human. Ben's sad eyes and slender form call to Key, urging him to equal parts lust and possessiveness. Prisoner to the Alpha, Ben surrenders to the Stein's fierce determination and gentle seductions. He's long hated his job, feeling like a monster for following his boss's orders, especially once he's seen intelligence flickering in the Alpha's green eyes. If Key's to escape, he needs Ben's help to learn about the world outside the laboratory. A world full of people, sex,

and experiences. Key's only beginning to discover. Experiences, you say? Okay. What do you call this, human? It's a Krispy Kreme! You're gonna love him! Guilt-ridden over the things he's done ben can only forgive himself if the alpha forgives his sins first jack jack chick just found the website for kelly apple and kelly apple uh kelly apple's promise to the reader is that yes i will write weird porn

like weird interspecies porn but it'll always be a happily ever after guarantee at the end that's great it's always guaranteed kelly is uh is uh that lovely reviewer that uh nutshell just read yeah oh i've actually heard of the haunted vagina i've heard of carlton mellick the third because he's a bizarro fiction writer he does all that there was one oh yeah and he lives in portland oregon too uh he wrote one about uh killer clowns made out of candy who who eat people but somebody falls in love with one yeah nice kelly's written a lot of books uh jack check sorry there's one other one you found that i that i i'm really i'm really excited by it uh oh yeah um you know uh we're we're it's already

october when we're recording this uh knowing our uh knowing our release schedule will probably be january when it comes out. So, uh... That's generous. So, uh, yeah. This one is called A Partridge in a Pregnancy just in time for Christmas. And a pregnancy. It doesn't work, though. Nope, sure doesn't. I'm a quince can. There are a lot of places I'd rather spend Christmas Eve morning than

on a cold, snowy sidewalk outside someone else's home. I'd kill to be sitting beside a fireplace, drinking cocoa, wearing flannel pajamas, and reading a book. Instead, I'm here, standing in front of my one-night-stands house, working up the courage to ring the doorbell and tell him I'm pregnant. Wait, why are you Nixon? I thought he was going for Garrison Keillor.

Okay. No, I was doing Nixon. Oh, okay. All right. No, I don't know why. I mean, both sexy men. Both sexy. Equally.

I hate that term. One night stand. It sounds so cheap and sleazy. Tobias Holiday is neither of those things. He's handsome and caring, witty and charismatic, and once, a long time ago, he was mine. Our one-night reunion was only supposed to be a hookup, a fling with an old lover, a parting farewell before I moved to London, Ontario, and put my feelings for him an ocean away. How exactly am I supposed to explain to Tobias that I'm having a baby, his baby?

Maybe I could sing it. He always loved the silly songs I made up in the shower. Three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge and a pregnancy. Oh, amazing. Hilarious. That's your holiday caroling repertoire. Book three in a Christmas series. Okay, F+, what do you think we learned from all this?

Like, okay, first of all, there's only, only apparently there's only like three different porn books right yeah yeah yeah there's like three different porn books that exist and we're just going to keep writing them hundreds of thousands of times and they're just basically young adult novels where they aged up the characters and put in smut yeah yeah so yeah i mean sometimes there's cowboys. We didn't read any of those, but sometimes there are. Yeah. Yeah, but that's not a new story just because there's cowboys.

But it could be. It's a little bit of a soccer-themed erotica. What is the cowboys like a dinosaur shifter, though? Is it a new story then? Yeah, that would definitely be a new story. I'm pretty sure that's a Chuck Tingle book poundedounded in the Ass by a Dinosaur-Shifter Cowboy. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, so is a... Are they doing the work of a cowboy as the dinosaur, or do they switch from being the dinosaur to the cowboy? But I like the idea of just being a normal nerdy person, and then they switch from being the dinosaur to the cowboy? But I like the idea of just being like a normal nerdy person, and then they switch into a cowboy dinosaur. I like the idea of a dinosaur who just turns into a cowboy during the full moon. Well, we already knew that about you. Like all of a sudden, he's still T-Rex,

but like a little hat like spontaneously appears on his head, and he goes around saying, Howdy, howdy, howdy, I of a sudden, he's still T-Rex, but, like, a little hat, like, spontaneously appears on his head. And he goes around saying, howdy, howdy, howdy, I'm a cowboy. Yeah, I was actually really surprised that there was so little variation in what we ended up reading tonight. I feel like there's a lot of, I mean, I feel like there's... Like in any other form, right? I mean, this is a very internet form. And so... Because it's sort of profit motive, everyone's kind of driven

by the same algorithm. Well, I think it's also because it's low-tier romance novels. It's all the creativity is in oh, this guy's some weird alien and this girl's

like a human. Probably. And that's like where all the creativity goes and then it's like everything else is just boilerplate cookie cutter. Yeah, it's a caveman and a woman and then they go on 95 dates,

and they have really good sex, and it's really nice. Because I've... Spoiler alert or shocking revelation, I have read some romance novels in my life. Sure, yeah. And some of them are, you know, actually pretty good. Yeah, I'll bet. But that's like... And then there's all of these yeah i mean i mean i mean genre fiction

right you're gonna have like there's good stuff and bad stuff in any given genre like yeah like horror you know that it could either be groundbreaking and cool or it could be slashes all the teenagers and whatever it's groundbreaking's okay. They're just silly. Yeah, and the other thing we're seeing in this is the people reaching to be the next Fifty Shades, and the people reaching to read the next Fifty Shades, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. They know what they like, and that's what they like. Yeah. I mean, it's, you know, it's pretty, like, the thing about, like, E.L. James specifically is that, like,

is that, like, I mean, she's a great aspirational figure because, like, if you're a dog shit writer, like, you can be like, well, this woman called herself fucking Snow Dragon. She called a dog shit writer, right? Like, you can be like, well, this woman called herself fucking Snow Dragon.

She called herself Ice Dragon Moon Queen and wrote Twilight porn and made a gazillion dollars. Yeah. And if you write Twilight porn and want to make no dollars,

you can come to Ball Pit. That's B-A-L-L-E dot I-T. Thank you. Awkward silence. Bye. Bye. Hey, little lady, how you feeling? It's Humble Boo at the crib just chilling. Trying to figure out what I'm going to do today.

How about you throw on something sexy and come my way? I got a treat for you when you're going to life, kid. I hear those giggles, go ahead and get excited. You saying bad that your man is a lame guy. Having sex with him is just like watching paint dry damn i really hope that that ain't true but if it is here's what i wanna do for you and when you get here i'm not just gonna bang it i'ma smash it too so let's just say i'm gonna sing let me sing it girl smash it girl let me smash it girl let me smash it girl Just under the covers with a flashlight.

No, it's a fleshlight. Honey, honey. You got a flashlight stuck into a fleshlight. It stabilizes it. As if they've never made a glow-in-the-dark fleshlight. Glow-in-the-dark flashlight. Glow-in-the-dark. Oh, absolutely. I want one that I can bring to

the flashlight forums and the flashlight forums. It's probably alien-themed, and they call it Area 69 or something stupid like that. Google wants me to know that search site is up. You should design flashlights, don't you? I should just write the names for them here.