The F Plus - 384: The Angry Apple Nerd

Episode Date: February 19, 2023

Self described appleist Brian Frange has some serious-assed opinions about different types of apples, and he wants to share all of them. And that's... honestly, that's entirely what this episode is about, Brian Frange's opinions about different types of apples. This week, The F Plus sees a tasty unwipe anus.

Like, I couldn't stop laughing at the idea of Becky's round butt as the name of an apple. I'm sure of father, and now I wanna be sure, very, very sure of you. Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me, anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. Anyone else but me. No, no, no, don't say that. This is the F Plus Podcast. A place with some bad apples that are going to read some terrible things with enthusiasm. I hated telling that joke.

In the room we've got Booth Reingear. If you haven't tasted a Jonathan apple pie, you don't know what apple pie is. Achilles Heelys. This is legitimately the best apple I ever tasted in my life. My mommy let me eat it last day before tomorrow. Juicy and dry, tart and sweet, yummy and yummy. Yes, sir. Poor Jax.

I'm appalled by all your behavior well let's just hold on to that one I'll get you in a second Frank West I promise I'll introduce you how can I follow that up you gotta say something funny

and all of the laughter is gone it's all used up anyway yeah. You gotta say something funny and, like, all of the laughter's gone. Yeah. It's all used up. Anyway, what do you gotta say, Frank West? Sir, I think you should see a dentist. This level of pain inflicted by apples is unusual. And lemon. If you

core them first, you don't notice the jaw effort, the skin, or the destiny. The candy crisp apple is a pear-cooked red delicious. Meanwhile, the ruby frost apple is a thick-skinned New York fuckboy. Wow. Yep. So don't go walking down a lover's lane, no. Walking down a lover's lane till you see me.

When you see me marching home, then we'll go on in our van. We'll sit down under the apple tree. Maybe just you and me When I come marching on Hey, F-Plus. Hey, Lemon. You've been eating trash! Oh, God, you can see that? I mean, yeah.

I gotta turn off my camera. I'm a shame. I'm a quarter from this fucking dumpster. Bordex eats trash 47 minutes. That's how we make money. You got me. I'm a raccoon. The reason

why I say that is because uh this isn't just a phrase that i made up a clever phrase that i made up this phrase is actually the slogan that phrase is the slogan of AppleRankings.com Oh my god, it is. AppleRankings.com. It's in their logo. It's got a picture of three different apples. It says, Apple Rankings, you've been eating trash. So, this

is a website, you know, it's similar to other websites that we've covered on F+, or, you know, you might have seen on F+, or you know, they might have seen on the internet, you know, your beer advocate, or for example your root beer reviews. You know, it's a site that

does reviews of apples, of course. But it's got opinions it needs to share, and a definitive source. This is the one and only definitive source for apples. I will just tell you.

Let me just lead you into this website here. So how apples are ranked. This is the Frange 100 point Apple rating scale. The Frange? Yeah, I think my name is Frange. I feel like we're going to come across. It's really just one guy. Yeah, this is Apple rankings

is by the Apple-ist Brian Frange. You can't say that Apple's bad. That's Apple-ist. That's not my name. Yeah, I'm the Apple-ist. I'm the Apple-ist Brian Frange. I've got my own website where I have a curious sense of life. He's the Apple-ist, and you're the Apple-east.

Got him. Anyway, for decades, the apple has been on a relentless descent into the fiery pits of hell. Oh, sweet. You're all buckled in, right? You're all here for apple reviews? Have I set the tone correctly? I'm just sad Jack Chick's not here, I guess. Desperately lurching towards its biblical namesake as Satan's fruit.

With the rapid degradation of the once mighty Red Delicious and the intentional impotence of apple farmers across the world. Whoa. Oh, you've been irradiating their balls? Yeah, yeah, Kim. It's not their intention. It's my intention. I've been irradiating their balls? Yeah, yeah, Kemp. It's not their intention. It's my intention. I've been irradiating their balls.

Now you'll never be able to grow apples. Kemp made the apple farmers impotent. We were faced with the unthinkable. The rise of the pear. It's that long what? That's a real laugh line. When I tour with this material. Thankfully,

in early 2000s, due to the emergence of a class of idle yuppies willing to shell out disproportionate amounts of disposable income at organic grocery stores, it became economically viable to invest in the development of what I term

designer apples. Who am I mad at? I'm mad at everybody. This is one of those, like, the normies ruin D&D but for apples. Apples, yeah. But then also, like, these assholes who I hate saved it, but I hate them too.

Right, right, right. You will never take away my two-hit Apple Class Zero. Shame on everybody who laughed at that. That's a really good joke. I'm already in the dumpster. That is a divide-the-room joke right there.

And I am happy to be on this side of the divide. That means there's more of us than you, though. Yeah, that's true. Throw apples at you. Possibly. As a result, a dizzying array of new apples hit the shelves and continue to do so year after year.

With so many new breeds, the antiquated system of delegating an apple as good or bad is an unworkable injustice of oversimplification. Yes! It's pitchfork

all over again. I love Brian. Society demands an updated rubric for Apple evaluation that meets the moment. I have created that rubric. I have created that rubric. I have no children.

This rating scale is my only hope to keep my namesake alive. See, what's funny is he actually does have children, but they don't like apples, so he's just like, I have no son. No, no, no, no. He does have children, but they eat Granny like apples. So he's just like, I have no son. No, no, no, no. He does have children, but they eat Granny Smith's.

They shall remain fruitless, by which I mean they don't eat apples. It is something I hope to be utilized for generations to come and is my only chance at achieving immortality. Therefore, I am naming this system, bold italic, the Frange 100-point Apple rating scale,

a.k.a. the F100. Which means that that's what it's called, the Frange 100-point Apple rating scale, a.k.a. the F100, a.k.a. the F100, a.k.a. TF100PARS, a.k.a. FD. Yeah. Each apple is evaluated on a 100-point scale,

broken down into nine categories. Each category is worth a maximum of 10 points. Aside from taste, which is way to double, for a maximum of 20 points. I feel like taste would be pretty important for ranking apples. It's fully one-fifth. So if the apple's better in all other categories, but it tastes like complete garbage,

it could still come out on top as the best. And if an apple tastes amazing, if it gets a perfect 20, that's one-fifth of the way there. Seems ironclad. Okay, what other important categories do we have for this? Well, as always, the points reflect each candidate as a munching apple. Come check out my free-form jazz band, Munching Apple. come check out my freeform jazz band munching apple Frank West

we've got 100 points here will you sort of define what these 100 points are the categories before the categories I would just like to know from the 100 points oh the 100 point scale I see oh yeah sorry you picked me to read the tier list. I understand.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, that would be the perfect image for this episode. Get out of Frank. Cloud's in there somewhere. Alright, the 100 point scale. Top apple tier. These are like, you know, you're going to see a lot of

these in tournaments. S rank, S tier. 100 points would be the know, you're going to see a lot of these in tournaments. S-rank, S-tier. 100 points would be the fabled immaculate apple. From 95 to 99 points, you're just short of sheer perfection. 90 to 94, superior to most.

85 to 89, you're excellent. 80 to 84, you're very good. You know, you have a lot of good matchup spreads at that point. You'd probably be most alone to your apples. Mediocre apples here. 75 to 79 are pretty good. 70 to 74 is mediocre. A lot of grapplers go in this ranking.

That's a joke for so few people. I don't know if I can trust you as a YouTuber. Like, you have no discernible lisp. Just rapidly cut me and edit me up again. It'll be... Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. At 85, or sorry, 65 to 69 points,

serviceable if you're desperate. And then it's 55 to 69 points Serviceable if you're desperate And then it's 55 to 64 points It's barely worth the calories And at this point we enter a new tier Which is the pure shit apple tier 50 to 54 points It's not worth eating

From 30 to 49 It's just horse food This isn't fit for humans anymore I don't care if you're gonna die. You don't eat these fucking animals. Unless you're a horse. In which case, congratulations on listening to a podcast. Is it worth eating if you're a horse?

Yes. Okay. I hate horses. Do you have a 100 point ranking of horses? They get like 27 points on my 100 point ranking of horses? They get like 27 points on my 100 point ranking of animals. Yeah, the taste is great. This is so good.

I'm going to glue the whole satyr list together. From 20 to 29 points, these apples are despicable, which I guess means they're no longer even good for horses. No, that's when you need the lisp! Despicable! Please! At 29 points and below,

they're despicable. And at this point, we have entered Apple Hell. From 10 to 19 points, it is Vomitus Filth. And from 9 points all the way down to 0,

it is Criminal Malfeasance. Okay. Alright. Okay, so these categories, these categories... I really hope the one that gets 0 points is the apple that killed Snow White. It tastes great, though. categories. I really hope the one that gets zero points is the apple if it killed

Snow White. Tastes great, though. Probably a good taste. And it's crisp as shit. Actually, I don't see anything on this list that would discount it for being poisonous. So it could honestly be one of the best apples.

Frank West, can you define the word taste for me? Oh, yeah. Okay, we're in the categories. Taste. Regardless of flavor profile, sweetness, tartness, or intensity, delicious apples receive top points with special consideration for everyday use, as well as versatility in varying circumstances points deducted for tasting like shit and or trash

this is very scientific i like there's like a really confusing sentence and then one that is very clear so he rates it based on how like variable the taste is, but it also tastes like shit. So minus a few on the taste category. Okay, and then can you tell me about the flesh of an apple? The flesh. The flesh of an apple. Smooth, relatively firm, and maintain integrity throughout a meal. Points deducted for early oxidation

reach, which turns the flesh brown. And above all, a mealy apple is a disgrace! They're not raised to be that way! Individual apples! This apple is a harlot. This apple was already rotting as it was growing off the tree.

They were just bred to be that way. This is the implication here. I'm into apple beauty standards. Can you tell me about apple beauty? Beauty. Beauty comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors. The most subjective of all the categories. An aesthetically pleasing apple that begs to be eaten receives top points.

I want to know about density. Density? Top points for having a sturdy construction Without being too hard or heavy Apples which cause gum Or tooth pain As well as apples which can be used as a weapon Face massive deductions Oh

Okay So you want a soft A soft apple I guess is good I don't know Uh Frank West I want to talk about apple branding. Ah, I see.

Yes. Branding and consistency. Top points are assigned to apples with names, logos, and packaging that match the personality of the breed. Yay!

While creating a unique evocative law about the fruit. Points deducted for names that scream quiet desperation or illicit feelings of confusion. Well, that would be this list, yes. Fuck you, Spartan apples. You don't make me think about Roman soldiers at all. I have no idea how i could possibly on the internet find a logo for a type of apple like what possible search term could i use

feel apple heads now god like did what is it what is it what apple name screams quiet desperation? Above all, maintaining the integrity and reputation of the breed through dependable and unvarying quality is paramount. So also, like, if different apples are different, then they fucked up their branding? I guess. Different apples are different than they fucked up their branding? Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. I guess. Okay, so awesome.

So now we know exactly this informative system that's, like, pretty much perfect. Like, he did have a nod that, like, beauty was subjective, but then said that it was, like, objectively scored. So that's good so with all that said Achilles Heelys would you tell me about the best apple that there is the greatest of all time

the goat apple this is the greatest apple of all time sweet tango apples ooh those are from Minnesota. Weetango. Wango Sweetango. Score of 93.

Superb. I can see the logo for it right here. Oh, you're right. It does have a logo. That is an evocative logo. That's very evocative, yep. Oh, let me... Oh, yes. Forgot to include the registered trademark after Sweetango.

Selectively bred to snap like a sweet piece of celery. This apple, available only in September and October, if we're lucky. In certain supermarkets is the best apple ever to grace the worlds of God and... World of Gods and world of gods and men a gifted child of the spectacular honey crisp and the elusive zest star oh my we're getting deep um this nearly immaculate treasure was blessed with the greatest qualities of both its parents but manages to avoid any of their unfortunate flaws.

If this was the apple that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden, I wouldn't blame her, for the taste of just one sweet tango is worth living through 1,000 painful childbirths. Okay, and before you get any further, what is the score of this one?

93. Superb. So that could still be better. So that's a ways from the top. This is not the Immaculate Apple. Yeah, no. The Immaculate Apple is what we all search for. But if we were to find it, it would be a purpose.

This is superior to most. There's a footnote here. It's dropped. Its score has been affected recently. I will explain. Oh, okay. The one downside of the sweet tango, other than needlessly lopping off the tea from sweet to form the repulsively frolicsome word sweet.

Repulsively frolicsome. Sweet. Sweet. Repulsively frolicsome wood, swee! Repulsively frolicsome, swee! Swee! Is its paltry robustness. What? Paltry robustness? Get these apples before November

1 or you'll be cursing my name as you bite into the hollowed out balloon of an apple! I think he's saying they go bad very quickly. I think that's what he's trying to say. Wow, that's the best way to put that. That is the best way to put it. Poultry robustness.

This guy talks as if a woman made a statement on Twitter and he desperately needs to react to it. I feel is the vibe I'm getting. This apple is making a mockery of Western civilization. Well, he say that, but... Oh, and hold on. And if in the Western Hemisphere, don't be fooled into buying New Zealand sweet tangos in the winter.

They can't handle the trip. You can't handle the trip you can't handle the trip update 2022 a chink in the armor as the crops have matured and potentially expanded there's been a marked decrease in consistency and appearance

one commenter on this website described his appearance as shabby which I tend to agree with. Minus one consistency, minus one beauty, total score 95 down to 93. We need to find the magic glasses to get those stats

back up. It went from nearly perfect to superb. Oh my god. Can you score that a little bit to the bio? Because I want to know what the best uses for this apple are. Mm-hmm. There's a sweet tango bio next to the YouTube video. Oh, I see.

Best uses. Munching. Some baking. Thank you. Tossing into the air. Catching them in your nose. Can you blow on it and rub it on your shirt?

Is that an okay thing to do with this apple? Okay, so this might surprise you, but there are some comments. What? From apples? Or from people. I thought we stopped letting people comment on things on the internet.

Not quite yet. Damn it. Do you think you can take Allie? A-L-L-I? I am Allie! Excelsior and trumpets! The sweet tango is the true champion Of all apples So you all write like this?

Does liking apples make you write like this? Yea verily my lord For the longest time I thought I just didn't like apples Turns out that was Hogwash A.K.A. Red Delicious Oh wow

How lovely. How lovely. Yes. Sweet Tango completely changed the game for me. And now I look forward to the next available batch every fall. I wish they were around all year long. It's impossible not to use that voice. Society for Creative Apples.

It's impossible not to use that voice. Society for Creative Apples. I think it's writing like this that makes you like apples, not the other way around. I love apples. I'm scared for myself, guys. Oh, no. That's turning more red fair.

Heelys, could you just say the word Excelsior for me? Excelsior! Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Change is complete. Gotta give a big cartoon crown and such. I'm in a red

cloak that has like little you know like the little scepter with an apple on the end of it. Hi my name is Yef, Yef, Yef. Thank you. Appreciate that. Yeah, I'm Yef, Yef, Yef. Yef, Yef, Yef.

Say, your dumb website made me buy apples. When's the last time I ever did that? Is this some kind of next level marketing trick? It worked! Anyway, I was looking for some consy apples, and this is all I could find in my little podunk-ass town, and they're out of season, according

to the comments. Not these ones! Super crisp and sweet! Pretty similar to Honeycrisp, and just as expensive. But now that all my other favorite snacks are all so expensive, I guess I'm eating apples again. Hey, Yef, Yef, Ye again. Hey, yes, yes, yes.

That's not a story. Yes, yes, yes. Hey, yes, yes, yes. How did you end up on this website? Yeah. He was on a different podcast that was going to make fun of this. Apple reviews, huh? Well, I don't much care for apples, but here we go.

I've seen it. Now I have to read it. Great, and it counts. Okay. Okay. Portex, do you think you can tell me about Honeycrisp Apples? Yes, I can. Thank you, thank you. Honey you appreciate it honey crisp apples the worldwide favorite oh really score 91 it's a poib all right it's a poib it's a poib the new kid on the block

in terms of well-known apples this go-getter went from specialty store nobody to supermarket mainstay in no time. A fan favorite likely to soon overtake the serviceable Royal Gala and the belligerently disgusting Red Delicious as the most in-demand apple. I cannot wait to get to that review. This sweet, snappy savior can be credited with bringing apples back into the discussion as a relevant fruit. What? At a time when nobody was talking about apples. Yeah, they bringing apples back into the discussion as a relevant fruit. They bring apples back into the discussion. Remember when you couldn't find apples anywhere? Yeah.

Remember when you'd like be at a party? Remember when they changed all the Richard Scarry books so the worm was driving around in an orange? I kept going to parties and I'd be like, hey, what are your guys' favorite apples? I'm like, what? We're talking about bananas. What the hell?

Alert the media! Apples have been uncancelled! My favorite banana is the only one. Huh. As well as injecting its genes into some of the best apples mankind has to offer, including the number one sweet tango. Oh, sweet tango. Did I tell you about that? Let's go back a little bit and talk about this. While this trailblazer may have jump-started the apple renaissance,

this trailblazer may have jump-started the Apple Renaissance, it's up to future generations of Honeycrisp offspring to match, sorry, to carry the torch as this splotchy milf can become a real mess. Whoa. Wow.

Whoa. We gotta decide which one of us So you got to the joke about you wanting to fuck apples before we did. Splotchy milf. What do you mean joke? I like my milfs like I like my apples. Splotchy.

Well branded. And just like all those other milfs I'm into, it can be cumbersomely massive, weighing down grocery store bags like a bulbous melon. By which I mean the severed head of all the anti-Apple people I've been seeing all over the place. And at the price, that can be a real deterrent. I'm so

sad Apple Renaissance wasn't a link. I was really hoping it was. I was really hoping for an Apple Renaissance to be there. So, Vortex, of course, that review was from Brian, the Appleist. And, you know, Brian has written all these reviews. And I'm Ambro, and I just have a response for you, the Appleist. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

I find honey crisp apples to be a bit passe and overrated. I'm on my word. Yes, well, yes. Some of us have moved on, you see. I was all about them in 2003. Oh, man. But I've definitely moved on to other varieties. I find them a little too waterlogged and not quite sweet

enough. You're not wrong, but you have to respect the trailblazers. It's a non-industrial... Excelsior! Excelsior! I wish he had his own catchphrase, like some sort of apple-themed catchphrase. I mean, let's workshop it.

What do you think? What do you want to pitch here? We're in the writer's room. Let's make thisphrase I mean let's workshop it What do you think What do you think What do you want to What do you want to pitch here I mean let's We're in the writer's room Let's make this happen Alright Let's see

What's some Ren Faire crap Merry meat That's a thing they say right Merry meat Merry apple I paid $30 for this turkey leg That's a thing that they say I paid $30 for this apple

See we can just Yep God I hate showers I think that's We'll see how it doesn't work Because he loves apples So that's Okay Yep for this apple? See, we can just swap. God, I hate showers. We'll see how it doesn't work because he loves apples. You broke my foam sword. You broke my foam apple? Alright.

Why can't this be every day? I'll work it out. Alright, alright. I'll write it out Alright I'll write some down Appreciate it I just want to say Before we move on We're in the top Apple category

This is the top Apple category One of the last Last in this category It says it's a score of 80 It's very good It's very good But it's the Lucy Glow You can get

You can get those at Hot Topic The Lucy Glow is a circus freak apple With a yellow skin And a red interior That shocks skeptics into submission Most would expect this clown urine soaked frog testicle to taste like an unhealed surgical wound since each

bite resembles a freshly picked scab. Wow. However, I see the picture. That's not what a scab looks like. It's just like a weird red. Just write about apples. Why wouldn't I be using all of these words to describe apples? These are naturally the words I would use to describe apples. Why wouldn't I be using all of these words to describe apples?

These are naturally the words I would use to describe apples. Yeah. However, most, whoever they are, should prepare for their expectations to be shattered. This candy-like, perfectly tart master class in a full flavor profile is a joy to eat and lives up to its flashy appearance. A novelty apple, comma, this is not. Anyway, so that was Lucy Glow. Gwen kind of likes it. But we're going to move on to the mediocre apples now. The mediocre apples.

So of those, Boots, I have a question for you. Mm-hmm. So of those, Boots, I have a question for you. Would you like to tell us about the most overhyped apple of all time? Or would you like to describe the civil rights apple? Oh, obviously the civil rights apple. Oh, dear. Nothing bad will happen from this. Bruce is now on the tightrope.

He's holding on to the big stick here. Let's see. Can he pull it off? No, I believe in human rights. I believe in civil rights. Yeah, me too. I believe we do live in a racist society, and I would like to do what I can to help this.

So I'm hoping that me reading this post will do that. Do you believe in apples? Because I feel that's the most important part. help this so i'm hoping that me reading this post will do that okay so uh we're gonna talk about the braeburn apple a score of 73 mediocre back in the 1950s in a time when single colored apples ruled the day see red delicious versus Delicious versus Golden Delicious. The upstart New Zealand Braeburn shocked the world with a blasphemous skin boasting two colors at once. Brian, no. Brian, no.

Stop. Brian, nobody asked you to do this, right? No, and that's why I have to. We know your kids didn't ask you to because you don't have them i'm changing i'm changing the world with this post two colors at once red and green despite the protestations of backwards apple purists desperately clinging to the bygone days

of single color apples the braeburn's complex and stupendous flavor was undeniable. This multi-toned interloper was here to stay, and stay it did, becoming one of the most popular apples worldwide for the next seven decades. How old are you, Brian? But, you might ask, why can't I find Braeburn apples anymore? In today's fast-paced apple world,

this sweet, tart, spicy maverick may at long last be obsolete, lacking the consistency of modern apples and suffering from difficulties like Braeburn Browning Disorder. That's all in caps. I mean, that would make sense. The disease that's named after the apple itself.

Yeah, yeah, BBD. This is actually what Belvedere were named after. Voice to men, ABC, BBD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Motown Philly backing up. Due to higher internal carbon dioxide concentrations,

enterprising breeders began looking for Braeburn descendants that could replace its parents and be trademarked for profit, of course. And so the ungrateful children of the Braeburn, Envy, Jazz, Sweetie, and Conzie are sweeping up this trailblazing old-timer into oblivion, leaving no room on the grocery store shelf for the apple to whom they owe so much. Appreciate you sort of giving up on that metaphor halfway through. So I've got a new theory about Brian.

Yeah, what's that? So he can't have children, I think, clearly just can't have them because he's an immortal apple vampire. And that's why he's aware of this history of apples from the 50s is it like uh is it like adventure time where he like bites the apple and sucks all of the red out of it i was thinking kind of like bunicula but a human but sure oh okay that's cute too all right i mean i have another theory Which is that he can't have kids Because according to the about page He's a comedian

Oh, that could do it too Does he have like a funny suit with apples printed all over it? Oh! No, no, no His family keeps giving that to him for Christmas And it pisses him off every year Was it a joke to you? His family keeps giving that to him for Christmas and it pisses him off every year. Was it a joke to you? No!

Okay, so... What's up? Okay, Achilles Heelies. Yeah, sure. I just saw one of those two descriptions. I'm going to give you a choice as well. I'm going to give you a choice as well. This isn't a choice, I think.

Your choice is a free choice. Your choice is a free and equal choice. Yeah, sure. Right. Go whichever way you like. Yeah. The first option is Sugar Bee Apples. Sugar Bee Apples?

Yeah, Sugar Bee Apples, which is a B-list apple from Bees. Okay, what's the other one? Pretty funny, right? Like, you have a funny description. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's probably going to pick that one, I think. Assuming you're going to choose that one, I guess I'll just give you the other one just in case The other one is

Opal apples a tasty unwiped anus Hmm I think I might Do the tasty unwiped anus And now we're back to James Joyce You don't usually see that word before Unwiped anus back to James Joyce. Alright. You don't usually see that word before unwiped anus.

Not usually, no. Alright, you guys all ready for my type 5 here? Okay, alright. Great. The opal apple looks like it shit itself. Whoa! I have seen a lot of apple shitting, and I'm just saying it doesn't seem like it

not like I do lady comedian I'm smoking a cigarette over the top of my head I apologize for being uncouth but there is no more apt observation. Just look at the top of it. The opal apple looks like a jaundiced, freckled, unwiped anus.

Not to me, though. That guy knows what I'm talking about. Um, in fact, this may be the ugliest apple of the modern era. Okay. That being said, if you're going to be an ass, you might as well be a good ass. Ew.

And like a good ass, the Opal Apple's exceptionally sweet and juicy. Okay. Yay! Let's dig into that metaphor why don't we? What?

I'm Brian, and I love to dig into an ass. Just a juicy ass. Just a good, juicy ass. All right. Sir Mix-a-Lot told us to enjoy that. In fact, the complex flavor profile featuring hints of banana, coconut, and pear make this Czech-born, oddly named monstrosity a delight to consume.

And while the outside may be a stained toddler's accident, in an ironic twist, the interior of the apple does not brown for quite some time. So I say, if you're gonna spice up your life with something a little different, close your eyes and eat ass. Who am I to judge? Oh boy. I guess I could. Boy.

Is this part of a set? Yeah. Hey, The Appleist. Hey, The Appleist. My name's Kambi K. I read your review. I don't think you really made your point clear enough. Okay.

So I just wanted to say that I found Opal Apples in my three-pound bags at Walmart for $1.50 a pound. There's no high-end stores for me, thank you. So how much did you pay in total? No, this is not Rupert Reviews. Oh, damn it. They were the perfect eating size. They're lovely.

Warm yellow with sugar freckles like a ripening banana. They remain pretty and crisp and juicy until their consumption. Not much of a gourmet, but I know what I like and what my family will eat until it's gone. Until it is gone, and clever, vulgar words will not deter me.

I believe some folks eat snails and fungus off oak tree roots dug out by pigs, and they like it. I agree the apple tastes good, but if you look at the top of it, it does look like it shit itself. Oh!

Oh! Oh! Okay. It does look like it shit itself. Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay. Same joke!

Same joke! Same joke! Same joke! Same joke! Same joke! Same joke! Same joke! Same joke!

Same joke! Same joke! What if an apple could shit? Same joke! What would that sound like? I need you to turn around that's what it sounded like so I feel like this is the point when I step in and say that I found this guy's youtube comedy

animation channel and the most recent video is scary teletubbies with what looks like a teletubby from a gonna say 2004 era flash cartoon I would have clicked past on new grounds it's like almost a jib jab tubby from a, gonna say, 2004 era flash cartoon, I would have clicked past on Newgrounds. It's like, kind of like, it's like almost a jib jab.

Yeah, you know what? Yes. Mm-hmm. Uh... I skip forward in the video and I see Keanu Reeves holding Cloud Strife's sword, so... Oh! I see George Washington and Abraham Lincoln in a Teletubby.

That's pretty funny. That's pretty good. This is the kind of thing where if someone asked you to animate it for them because it was so funny, they would offer a cool $5. And all the exposure

you could want. Well, it takes him about a month to pump each one of these ones out, so. Portex. Portex, how would you describe the juicy apples? That is spelled J-U-I-C-I.

No, it isn't. No, it's spelled J-U-I-C-I. No, it isn't. No, it's spelled J-U-I-C-I! Exclamation point. Oh! Juice! Juice! Huh. Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice!

So, the Juice apple, pronounced Juicy and not Juice, as the spelling would imply, too damn bad, that's how we're saying it now, is a controversial social media influenced fact tryhard whose positive qualities are mired by an absolute shit personality. Juic. personality. Juik! Breaded idyllic Wintachi, Washington, with powerhouse parents Honeycrisp and

Braeburn, this apple is thin-skinned, long-lasting, and has a great crunch, just like the Kardashians. And above all, is pretty juik, or juik, as some spell it. But don't be fooled by the failed Olympics logo that brands the

Delight TM. None of the aforementioned superlatives can compensate for a blasé flavor profile that lacks any discernible character. Worst of all, this litigious gigolo suits small-town apple growers in New England for trying to rebrand their Jonah Gold apple into the Juicy Gold. Oh, did someone try to, like, copyright the word juicy? Is that something that actually happened? You didn't even spell it right. They're saying the people who made this apple sued the people who made other apples for using the word juicy in their apple.

Oh, well, yeah, that is bad. Okay, you know what? I agree with him on that point. That is not good. Right, but he said that the apple itself is a litigious jello. Yeah, the apple, like, filed the petition. Yeah. All apple creators put a little bit of themselves into their apples. Just wait till those

AI-generated apples get a hold of everybody. Yeah, it was a whole adult swim pilot. Screaming at the apple, You're complicit in all of this! No one in Appolandia should own the word juicy. The lawsuits, the social media influencer outreach, and the name with a... I guess it's like...

At the end of it, a little scream of corporate execs pandering to younger generations and falling on their face with an audible, Shweak! See, but he did it. Pandering to younger generations. Those millennials love an exclamation mark. Zoomers are going to start sticking this apple in their vapes.

Zoomers are the biggest growth market for apples. I mean, probably. There's billions of dollars out there, and these apple growers are going to get it. They'll never afford a house. They'll have to just buy apples instead. They'll never afford a house. I'll have to just buy apples instead. I knew it would, but like,

this document started stupid and it keeps getting stupider. What do you mean? Okay, nothing. I don't mean anything to worry about. Thank you. Thank you, Alchemizzy. Yeah, oh, thank you. Thank you, Alchemizzy. I forgot to mention that at the top. I apologize.

Thank you so much for this document. It is dumb. Okay. All right. Anyway, so there's the top secret apples, which I described as a dead-end conspiracy theory. That's a score of 58, barely worth it. We don't need to go into that.

We need to go into the pure shit apples. Yes. Pure shit apples. So we're going to start off with, or we need to get into the real brand names here. We need to get into the real brand names. So let's start some controversy. Heelys, will you take down the fucking Granny Smith apple for me?

Finally. No joke. Too good for too long. No joke. I'm pretty sure Jack Chick gave me this rant one time, so I'm ready for it. That makes, yep. That's the most thing that has ever checked out on this bug. Absolutely.

Absolutely. In sync with everything I know about that man. We should probably interview him and insert it right here. Check, check, file, photo. Give him the context. Just make him record and then talk about Granny Smith apples. Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm just going to say, I don't know what's going to happen with this edit.

Maybe it won't happen. Maybe it gets edited out. But hopefully. Yeah, that's exciting. I'm going to try to actually do that. Okay. Granny Smith apples are just fine, really. I mean, you know, you bake with them.

Unlike, say, Gala fucking apples, which are the fucking trash apples for assholes, and the only people who use them are complete sons of bitches. Alright. This is the Granny Smith apple review. Oh,

hi, Jack. Oh, wait, you did it already. Fold them right in. The original sour apple. I wish I was never born. 55, barely worth it. I caught a lucario. Move back, Mike. There was a time, not so very long ago, when apples came in two varieties, red and green.

Sorry, neighbors. Generally, red apples correspond to the now contemptible red delicious, and green apples refer to the famed Granny Smith. For decades, children in school cafeterias across the world sang the praises of the mouth puckering alternative to teacher's pet, red delicious. Nope. No, they didn't. No, they didn't. Yeah, they did.

I'm the apple vampire, and I've seen it all. He was there. Boring. Oh, children just can't stop singing the praises. This was an apple for the cool kids. This was an apple for the cool kids. All their arms were sore from hitting a hoop with a stick. Yeah, yeah.

Just kept pushing that hoop down the street. There was only one thing left to do. It was talk about apples. This was an apple for the cool kids. It inspired its own candy flavor and showed how truly original its eaters were. Wow. Wow. Wow. Apple different. How sad it is that so many unfortunate souls

still cling to the stray bits of personality they gleaned from proudly declaring themselves a Granny Smith fan when they were butt-meer tots. Butt-meer tots. It is the dawn of a new age in Appalandia And Granny Smith

An actual British expat Who lived in Australia Is long dead And I saw her die I killed her with my own hands Why is she in front of me now I remember when I first Met Boots Reingear

And he introduced himself as a Granny Smith kind of guy. When I knew we could get along, you know? This guy thinks outside the box. I don't like your candy sweet red delicious. Ugh.

It is time to bear her apple along with her. Admittedly, this is a superb baking apple, perhaps the best, but as for munching, the Granny Smith's densely packed flesh and insurmountable skin create a most unpleasant eating experience. Here are the straight facts. The Granny Smith's tough flesh and skin will quite literally make your gums bleed. It was born from the trash of Granny Smith's tough flesh and skin will quite literally make your gums bleed. Literally. It was born from the trash of Granny Smith's French crab apples,

and science has determined that this is the most undigestible apple in the world. Which, to be fair, is actually good for gut flora. Oh. Wait, what? I don't know. To all the Granny Smith acolytes, it's time to grow up. There are now superior sour apples on the market. The best apples for you are the ones you don't digest.

Right, right. Digesting is actually bad for you. It always has been. Please stop doing that. Well, you've got to work your gut flora out or they get lazy, you know? You've got to keep them on their toes with apple drills. Mm-hmm. La Cucaracha?

I was going for a military thing, but I found the wrong tone. Whoops. No, no, that is fine. tone. Whoops. If you're at a military base and they play La Cucaracha to get you to wake up, you gotta leave. Lemon was just

reading the spec script for a Cheech and Chong military film. I would watch that though. I would watch that. I think it would be a kind of like a good like a military funeral and the guy, like, gets up and tries to play Taps. That's how

I want to go. You have to promise me to do that when I die. I didn't think this Apple fucking website would melt our brains like this. It's really something. Good to have confirmation, though. Okay.

Okay. All right. All right. All right. You guys are all horny, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. After that bit?

Very much so, yes. Cool. Because I'm Megs. All right. I'm Megs. I won't lie. The toughness of the Granny Smith is part of the appeal for me. Oh, yeah.

Because I'm a little freak. Hell yeah. I don't like nothing nice and easy. That and it's the most readily available sour apple to me. I have texture sensitivities that only the Honeycrisp

can exempt itself from. I get a sandy apple, and I wither into dust. The Granny Smith has never been sandy. It never does me wrong like that. Are you thinking of pears? I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. Oh, okay.

What? Let's see. I think I'm going to skip over the Fuji apples, which are described on this website as Japan's crappy boyfriend. And it's horse food. It is horse food.

Sorry, I do want to say, Granny Apples have gained two points since it was put in the document. What? They used to be 53. What? And now they are 55 on the website. Is there a story? Is there a reason behind it? No. He must have just got a good one. He finally got one good one. We've gone from

not worth eating to barely worth it. Yeah, which tells me that he's constantly updating all of these. I think that's it. It's a comedy bit, but also he's serious.

Yeah. Yeah. But it does kind of speak to the scientific method of this because we all know that like science evolves, you know, like the fact that the fact that like he's willing to change his mind, even though he screams his opinion. Lemon, I'm getting kind of directly. I'm getting a little worried about you. Can you say Excelsior for me? I don't know.

I don't know if I can. Okay. All right. Oh, no. Okay. I don't know I don't know if I can oh okay oh no if you can't do it you're good for now I'm just thinking about just how much the like all of the staff at the Trader Joe's closest to a fucking hate him

he's a fucking apple guy you get hired at the Trader Joe's and it's just like okay today the apple guy is gonna come in they love the trader joe's and it's just like okay today the apple guy's gonna come in well no they love him because he gives them like a hundred bucks let them know when the apple shipments are coming so uh okay so boots Oh, what are you going to get me here? You tell me. What do you tell me?

I'm going to talk about Macintosh apples, a seal skin Canadian letdown, which I've been called before. That was your flesh taste, Boots. This one's a 45. The National Apple of Canada. This dense curling stone has the refreshing tart kick of an icy northern winter. He has to be I to give him Canadian insults. I'm going to keep a list here. I hope Beaver shows up.

Unfortunately, it comes dressed for the cold with a caribou skin, Inuit parka. Uh-oh. Deer. Well, okay. I mean. Snuggly protecting. Problems. Problems alert.

Problems. Snuggly protecting the interior of its grainy snow white flesh. Beware. This tumor swollen reindeer nose has perhaps the thickest... Okay, buddy, come on. The thickest, most intractable skin. That's not Canadian things, that's North Pole things. It's like a Yukon thing, maybe, I don't know.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Look, in my pursuit of all Apple knowledge, I have removed all other knowledge from my brain. The centuries have not been kind to his mind. Yeah, has perhaps the thickest, most intractable skin of any

apple this side of the prime meridian. Okay. In fact, wait, the prime meridian? Yeah, what? You're always on one side of it, right? I don't know. Like, the Prime Meridian. Yeah, you're always on one side of it, right? Anyway. Yeah. In fact, in an emergency, the Macintosh Apple could be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter appropriate for the harshest of Arctic storms.

Yeah, or a weed pipe. The Macintosh gets a massive branding boost by being the eponymous Apple of Macintosh computers. Ah, fuck. For fans of Apple, this is an egregious misnomer denigrating a quality product. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I should have known the Apple guy would also be an Apple guy. Yeah, of course. Of course he is. No, I love the Macintosh. I hate the Macintosh. Of course he is. No, I love the Macintosh. I hate the Macintosh. I love the Macintosh. I hate the Macintosh. I hate those green bubbles because they're like Granny Smith's.

But for Apple haters, the Macintosh Apple is a suitable analog for a subpar computer that fails to impress. Huh? Oh, I see. He's like, if you're a fan this is it god huh uh my name is it's it's a no it's a no it's a no i know someone has never had one in seasons delicious your review is horse food. Ooh. Yeah. Ooh. Could somebody read Kathy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to hear some Kathy, please.

Portex, can you take Kathy? Can I take Kathy? Probably not. She's probably a little stronger than me. Probably. You could probably take Kathy. Oh, my God. No, I definitely can't take Kathy. Okay.

You can take Kathy. Just imagine cancel culture for apples. Yay! I'm imagining it. I'm imagining it. That's very good. This weekend, Macs are 79 cents a pound

and they are very available and tasty too. I love them and so do my horses. That's not marketing your ranking But history, tradition, and nostalgia There's big flavor The skin is good for you What about my northern spies?

What about northern spies? Oh, northern spies is an apple Okay She is not calling upon her northern spies To kill this man for having apple opinions The northern spies are circling in. They all have giant apple heads. They've all got white brim hats

and they're on horses. They're also eating them because the horses love the apples. Frank, can you take Julia there? I don't know what the fuck kind of Macintoshes you are eating. Pick one off a tree and

pick one off a tree and take a bite. Sweet and delicious. If you have trouble biting through the skin, you need to see a dentist. And the Apple list? I am a dentist. That's the comedy we come here for That's probably like minute 12 of that Teletubby video

Alright I'm going to give my review For Smitten Apples And I want you guys to just do me a favor Can you just start an alarm If at any point I'm going to give my review for Smitten Apples. And I want you guys to just do me a favor. Can you just sound an alarm if at any point I'm going off the rails? Can you do that for me? Okay. I'm just going to do this review.

I'm just going to write this review here. And if I go off the rails, just let me know, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Smitten Apples, the curb stop of apples. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. This is the curb stomp of apples. This concrete product of a masochistic breeder in New Zealand is so hard that eating it is quite a lot like biting into a rock. This witch curse they call a tagline for the apple is once bitten, forever smitten, which reads like a warning label for an impended zombie horde attack.

That's an appropriate motif for an apple that tastes like the guts of an undead corpse. How many of those? Avoid this meaty rock at all costs, for the only person smitten with this apple will be your local orthodontist. Which is him because he said he was a dentist yes I will refer you to really great okay so that was that was that was of course the the curb stomp of apples. Great. Thank you. Frank West, what is the MyAppleApples? M-I-A-P-P-L-E.

The MyAppleApples. The MeAppleApples. The narc of apples. Right. The quarter muncher video game, you mean? Yeah. Touch the apple, you fly away? It's 39.

The one where you just wholesale murder hundreds of drug users. Well, they are drug users, though. They're using drugs, not people. It realistically depicts, you know, drug lords as what they are. Large robotic heads in mechanical

thrones. That shoot drugs at you. The thing I don't know so much is how many people are going to get it. Are you Narcissus out there? Anyways, Meowple apples have a score of 39. This

bizarrely packaged mini apple is what an alien would put in your cell at a human zoo if it was trying to feed you authentic earth food. My human zoos are much better stocked.

I'm not sure an apple can qualify as a narc, but it certainly feels like this perfectly manicured corporate shill is trying way too hard to prove it is, in fact, an apple. Wow, you almost backed off of it.

So it's more like you think it's an imposter not a narc, right? I don't know what drugs are. I'm only guessing. Sold in either a box that could just as easily contain a DVD player.

What? That's like a lot of boxes, though, right? That's a lot of boxes. I got a new David Letterman game. DVD player. All right. Looks like we're playing Could This Box Contain a DVD Play? Here we go. Could This Box

Contain a DVD... You like this one, Paul? You like this one? I love it. Or, it's sold in a hermetically sealed bag, adorned with stock photos of athletic white folks. The me-apple,

which I can only guess is pronounced my-apple and not the pirate-esque me-apple, attempts to attract customers with pithy, bleached, robot-speak slogans that include the word me instead of my. Do the phrases... Sorry. Do the phrases me- Do the phrases Me body fuel

and a me energy boost. Me body fuel. Do those phrases do anything for you? Of course not. Don't answer. That being said, I said don't answer. Sit back down in your zoo.

This means that you killed six of my friends, I guess. I don't have a choice but to listen to you. Please stop shocking her. The shocking will cease when the apple-enjoying resumes. That being said, like a soul-crushing job that pays just enough to stomach, this colossal misfire of a marketing ploy could be overlooked if the apple tasted decent.

But, alas, what we have here is a merely... is a merely juiceless, thick-skinned replica of an apple that will have no place in me house. Oh, I fucking hate these fucking apples. Really? You've been keeping that pretty close to your vest. I will say the picture of the bag he's got at the review includes a very stereotypical biker guy who appears to be eating the apple

sarcastically he does he has an expression towards the apple of like good fucking joke wow this is delicious who's laughing now, Apple? Hi, I'm Artemis, and I have a confusing comment.

Thanks, that's my favorite kind. Please continue. These are the only apples I would consider dangerous, with only one. With most apples, you do not have to worry about overextending your jaw in order to eat as much of this fraudster fruit in one bite. So you can finish this flavorless fruit and eat something actually good. I guess the best thing

about this apple is you can eat it quickly so you can move on to better fruits. I think she's saying this apple is so bad you might hurt yourself trying to eat it as quickly as possible. Yeah, I didn't really get it either. the sapel is so bad you might hurt yourself trying to eat it as quickly as possible. Yeah, I didn't really get it either. Which feels like the opposite of what would happen if...

These are just naturally forming jokes. Yeah. I need to read the most recent comment on this. It's from working at Walmart. Correct. Correct. That's the earliest comment. There's a bunch of comments from Cum D.

Oh, you're right. Ladies. Come deumster. Jeez. Ladies. Uh-huh. Oh boy, come deumster is doing their type five in the comments. Don't read come deumster. That's how you can tell the difference between him and Cum Umster.

Cum Umster. It's like a name in a Cum Umster got into SAG first, so Oh yeah, there's Cum Deumster spelled C-O-M-E Wait, he made a dick!

He keeps getting banned see he had to make two different personas for the muck is the problem okay I'd imagine it was the same person that came back as batty man yeah alright alright we're gonna move away from that one I'm gonna move away from that one

and I'm gonna skip over golden delicious that one. And I'm going to skip over Golden Delicious because we need to get into the Red Delicious Apple. He keeps name-dropping it, so we need to know something about it. Portax, do you think you can take the Red Delicious Apple, please? I'll take this Red Delicious Apple. Alright.

Red Delicious Apples. Coffee grinds in a leather glove. Chuck Tingle novel. Score 25, Despicable. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Believe it or not, the Coffee Grinds in a Leather Glove, known as the Red Delicious Apple,

was once a robust firebrand credited with reinventing the apple from the mere cider fruit into the full-fledged lunch-worthy sidepiece. It even won the Stark Brothers Apple Contest in 1894. I think the vampire... The vampire angle, I'm... He attended it. He was there.

He was there. Yep, yep, yep. And I reveal my name is Leonard Stark. Likely your great-grandma's favorite apple, this once flavorful Prometheus has been mass-produced into desolation. Nowadays you can find this thick-skinned, flavorless mealy imposter

unwashed in a dirty wicker basket on the floor of a convenience store. What a sad state of affairs. It's time to hang them up, old man. Your time has passed. Take that, apple. This is what that Neil Young song was about. Yes.

And it was Brian. I swear these apples were better in the 80s. Liar! The 16 80s. Liar! Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 1680s. Oh, they're all vampires. Various werewolves and Frankensteins and such. Real monster man.

An apple a day, yeah, for sure. I loved them when I was a kid. My mom couldn't buy them fast enough, as I would eat three to five of them per day. Your mom probably should not have been letting you eat that many apples. Why? Why? Well, that's how you become an apple vampire, yeah.

You were probably also just constantly shitting yourself. Well, yeah. I was trying to. I was hoping to, yeah. As long as that's everybody's goal. Mom didn't care for it. But sometime in the 90s, they went downhill, and it became hard to find the crisp ones that I remembered.

90% of the time, I have tried a Red Delicious since childhood. 90% of the times, I have tried a Red Delicious since childhood. There it is. It's been mealy and extremely unappealing. Perhaps it's my memory that is faulty and that as a kid. What? No. What?

Does nostalgia do anything to a human brain? No, it's weird. It's weird that there's a thing you enjoyed as a kid and you became an adult and it just wasn't as good anymore. That's weird, Brian. Yeah. That's never happened to anybody. Okay.

So here's my question for you, Achilles Elyse. for you Achilles Elyse does nostalgia do anything to a human brain or is the new Mega Man literally a war crime oh yeah the second one for sure yeah appreciate that all right perhaps it's my memory okay yeah so I don't think so I think that red Delicious were once good. And then, you know, there's some apple-splainers in the comments, which is fine. Which is fine. But, but, Frank West, I hear that Cortland apples are a damp hacky sack. Oh, yeah.

Cortland apples are a damp hacky sack. What the hell? Look at the, in our, in the document, they get a score of 24. On the website, it's 51. Whoa! Something happened. Oh, there's an update listed. Top 10 anime redemption arcs. Let's go, Courtland Apple.

Start with the original. Score of 24. Despicable. Aside from the striking white flesh there's not much good that can be said about the damn hacky sack left outside a frat house all winter known as the courtland apple discovered in 1898 in the remarkably not-Courtland city of Geneva, New York, this flattened Macintosh sandbag of shit continues the age-old tradition of dragging the Apple reputation of New York State into the sewer. You know what I've realized?

This guy's the angry Apple nerd. That's how he writes. Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh shit! Wow, you're right. Yeah, it's the exact tone and the overdone... This fucking flat Macintosh sandbag of shit!

I'd rather put my dick in some sort of sharp implement than eat this apple, you see, because I would not normally want to do... You guys understand the joke, right? Let me make it 15 more times so all of you can get it. Boy. A cold-weather apple

that can't stay fresh for very long. The not-Geneva apple. It loses its fledgling tartness, paltry sweetness, and illusory crispness too quickly to provide average consumers the opportunity to avoid eating slimy white dirt. And yet... Hmm? Slimy white dirt, get me And yet The Cortland remains one of New York's Top produced apples

An enigma that further denigrates The shameful pedigree of the Big Crapple That's what he was taking Yeah Because of what they call New York State Yeah, the Big Crapple That's where they listen to crap music

Yeah Yeah, the big crapple That's where they listen to crap music Yeah Update 2022 Had a chance to visit a New England orchard To try a Cortland fresh off the tree And it was much better than every Cortland I've found Yeah, of course What are you fucking talking about? Now you can throw in all of your reviews

And reveal all the fucking apples fresh off the tree You fucking moron, yeah, fresh fruit's good What are you fucking talking about? Now you're going to throw out all of your reviews and reveal all the fucking apples fresh off the tree. You fucking moron. Yeah, fresh fruit's good. What are you talking about? I went on a special trip and got it fresh off the tree, and it was better. Yeah, I bet. You did a whole fucking thing for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've had a blueberry Jolly Rancher. I think I got the picture. God, what is up with this guy? Like all Macintosh offspring, this apple doesn't travel or store well, and therefore, most Cortland eaters will experience a damn packy sack of shit.

That joke I made earlier. It's better than a Macintosh, worse than a Macoon, but taking into account the Cortland's potential. Plus six taste, plus five crispness, plus one skin, plus six flesh, plus four juiciness, minus one density, plus one beauty,

minus one consistency. Total score 24. 24 to 51. You gotta re-roll your apple. I think I'm at the right level for the raid, though, so that's good. You can eat this apple up to level 60. Like, he updates the ranking,

but he keeps the actual text of his review. Well, you don't delete gold. That's called a tagline. I suppose, yeah. If you're going to write that kind of comedy, for sure. Alright, are we ready for the very last...

No, because my name is Charlie. Oh, okay. Wait, sorry, we need to... Yes, oh sorry, you're reading it. Yeah. Fuck you very much, the cordon is fucking delicious and your only problem is you apparently haven't had it and it was meant to be eaten fresh off the tree

in a cold orchard. The general public usually doesn't have access to an apple fresh off the tree in a cold orchard. My rankings must reflect what is available to regular folks. Posted November 15th, 2022. It's for the people.

You absolutely didn't do that. Hey guys, I'm Charlie in November of 2020. Within a month of it. Hey guys, I'm Charlie in November of 2022 at 1247 AM. Wait, did you do a follow up? Honey, come to bed. I can't, I'm Apple. I can't start to fuck you very much.

Yeah, no, this is me at 1247 AM. Okay. Hello again, sorry for the strength of my vehemence. You seem like a perfectly nice person and a talented Apple connoisseur. I was merely swept up in my passions and men know ill will to you at all. That said, I hope you do get a chance to eat the corallid from an orchard in October someday. It's very nice. For a damp happy sack, my family calls them snackin' apples, because they are the best

for munchin' and crunchin' in quotes. They also make great applesauce, though to be honest as a pie they are a little too soft. Anyway sorry for being rude, at least when it comes to apples we can all agree red delicious are abominations. Thank you very much for saying that. I understand. We all go overboard every now and then when commenting about apples.

We've all been in the shit! Oh, man. What is happening This guy's perspective He is always wrong Yeah Okay Alright Alright

It's time for us to go to Apple Hell Yes Give me Apple Hell yeah so this is the the new town pippin apple uh it's long island sand filled condom oh yep okay this sand filled condom from long island was choked down in the 19th in the 1750s by the likes of Thomas Jefferson of Monticello, George Washington and Mount Vernon, and Benjamin Franklin as he

declared it his favorite apple. Which I saw him do. I was gonna say, I didn't say I've heard. Is this like, is this like all of the sort of resource material for a new Anne Rice novel? Yeah. Yeah.

I think she's dead. My beloved apple critic. Okay, so perhaps the Newtown Pippin was once a great apple whose quality has degraded over the centuries, like the crumbling democracy the founding fathers established. I was into the apple reviews before they got all political. You know what? Apples are politics. Apples are politics. Okay. Or perhaps after decades of eating pigeon pie and squirrel meat,

these wooden tooth slave owners' taste buds are not to be trusted. Either way, in today's world, aside from being an excellent for apple cider production, the Newtown Pippin is a tasteless hunk of malformed donkey shit that should have been abolished during the reign of King George III. But they're good for cider production, so why should they vanish? Does S. Smith, by which I assume that's Samuel Smith,

have a third production? Yes, I certainly do. I certainly do, yes. Come with Smith. My mother used Pippin apples for her homemade apple pie And it was the best apple pie in the world With that said, Grandma's gone And so is my ability to obtain this apple

Except online for a very hefty price The first year I ordered it was the best apple pie I had since Grandmother's last Thanksgiving with us. The second year, the apples tasted like pigeon or squirrel meat. Certainly didn't taste good. I called the company and asked if they had sent last year's apples or a different brand. I haven't ordered since then. I decided that I would use my beloved Braeburn apples from now on for my Thanksgiving apple pie. Instead, after

four long, agonizing years of not finding my beloved Braeburn apples at my local grocery store, H.E.B., the grocery store, took mercy upon me and had some sent to me free of charge, I might add, from the New York Capitalism Can Be Kind.

Huh? Yep. I made apple tarts, apple butter, applesauce, and after I got out of the hospital, Capitalism can be kind. Huh? Huh? Yep. What? Huh? I made apple tarts, apple butter, applesauce, and after I got out of the hospital, the remaining apples were made into my last bite. Wait, why did you move? Apple coma.

You're like a single-issue voter, but it's apples, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Single apple voter. After I recovered from my apple sickness. Did you make the apple tart and apple butter and applesauce in the hospital? I'm really confused.

I made apple toilet vodka in the hospital. I don't know how you feel about Braeburn apples, since I cannot find a review for them here. Oh, well, don't worry. But I am afraid to ask. With that said, do you know of anyone who sells them online? I really don't want to try my luck and ask my grocery store to

take mercy on me again. I don't want to go to the hospital again. And I don't have it in me to do all that cooking again. Thanks, S. Smith. P.S. I've passed on your review to my sister. She is going to love your reviews as much as I do. Good.

Thanks. I'm B. Hi, B. I'm B. Boo! Boo here. I doubt the reviewer ever ate a Newton Pippin. More likely

he was dumped by a girl who happened to like Pippins, convulsed at the rejection and responded with a puerile review. I grow a yellow Newton Pippin, and if it is allowed to ripen, which where I lives is mid-October,

mid-slash-October. It is crisp of a perfect sweetness and with a complex and delicious flavor. When combined with Golden Delicious, it makes the best apple pie. Also, a very good applesauce. I've never made cider, so I don't know if it's

accolade for a great cider is true. Stead clear of this review, and trust mine. I know what I'm talking about. I have never had a Newtown Pippin that I would describe as crisp. Maybe you had a special tree or vendor and that special fondness for the apple because you grow it yourself, which is all valid.

I, however, have never had a Newtown Pippin that wasn't worthy of utter disdain. As for the cider, the Newtown Pippin is the primary apple used by Martinelli's to make their apple cider. I think they make good cider. They're probably the most successful cider brand of our time and have been around since 1868. We're vampires. So I have to go with their expertise on that front. Uh-huh.

In fact, I invented cider. What did we learn from any of this? I made some super good catchphrases. Apples. Apples are for vampires. Oh, that's right! You had some catchphrases. Yeah, I was busy. You all can read them. I already know they're this is good stuff all right you guys are gonna love okay all right uh so wait

to remind us what were these catchphrases so we decided the guy needed a catchphrase at the beginning because he says things like excelsior right right right so he's not gonna say excelsior anymore he's gonna say he's gonna say one of these. Yeah, you guys, yeah. These are all... Oh, my God. Oh, God. There's so many. Yeah, because I'm prolific. I'm a creative, Frank. Yes, you are.

You're a content creator. I'm a content creator. This is your content that I've created. All right, all right. Well, give me some of these Apple catchphrases, please. You all can read them. It's fine. they're really good. You would have read them.

Fine, I'll read them. Fine, I'll read them. And you guys, okay, you can clap for the ones you like best, alright? Okay, okay. Alright, fine. Alright. Oh, my stars and apples. Yeah?

Yep, yep. Pretty good? Yes, alright, thank you, thank you. Apple-a-boar. Hail, my splotchy milfs. See? Yeah, see. See? See?

A good one. Ready, willing, and apple. Mm-hmm. Yeah? I'm only clapping for the ones that make me horny. Okay, that's fine. Any way you slice it, I love apples. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, apples, they're appealing. Why, you, you, You typed that whole thing out and you didn't hit backspace Yeah, yeah, see? What about this? What's the haples, my apples? Pretty good Okay, I'm back on board

Good You're apple-ing my leg and apple Yeah? Good! I don't think I get that one. It said apple in my leg, or apple in my leg. You see?

No, I think that was just too sophisticated. Let's put apples on the map, all. Yeah! It's a palindrome, I guess. Okay, good. How about this? Round and juicy, throw him at my caboosey. That one might be quite corny.

Okay, how about this? Shut your face or I'll pum-le you. Oh, that's a French joke. That's a French joke. Very good. How about that? Eve can bite my flesh any day, if you know what I mean. See, yeah, see? See?

Slammy overly likes it. An apple a day doesn't keep me away. Quite the opposite, actually. That one could use a couple more words, but I like it in general. Really good. Johnny Appleseed, total himbo, am I right? Yeah? Did you kids say

it doesn't taste like apple? I'll straight sock you in the jaw, you little bastards. Yeah. Uh-huh. That shouldn't make you horny. I would prefer that didn't make you horny. Uh-oh.

That was lemmy. Okay, but this one. Staplers won't stop stapling my apples. Because stapler has apple kind of in it. See, it fits. Oh, okay. Wow. Wow.

Wow. If you added a P, it would be stapler. And then apples just write in the word. Wow. You're like seeing through the joke. This is like a five-dimensional joke here. You physically hurt me with that. My chest did something bad.

Perfect. It's perfect because the next one is, don't bruise me like that. See, bruise like an apple bruises. Quite simpler. Yep. All right. How about this? For more information, download our

app, Pull. Ah! Okay, see? How'd you come up with that one? It's because app is the word apple. Oh, I got it. Good wordplay, yeah? So tap your toes and app your O's. It's apple time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty good. I'm apping those O's. We only got a couple more left. Okay, how about this? Hey guys, cool your jets. No malice intended.

Is that a Latin joke? The genus for apples, like malice, the genus for apples. Someone out there really likes it, trust me. So this was the part where you went to Wikipedia? I already knew that, frankly. There's no way

Partex didn't already know that. No, that's fair. I want to give my Macintosh computer some Steve Handjobs. Yeah, there you go. Is that an Apple? He'll probably say it at some point. Yeah, there you go. Is that an apple? What?

He'll probably say it at some point. Is that an apple in your pocket? You should dig wrong. Oh, damn it, Frank. See, Frank's the real content creator. You're not the sauce of me. Yeah? Okay, great.

Heelys, I think... Did you write one? I think Healy's probably came up with one. Oh, well I'm a real catchphrase guy who didn't forget about doing this at all, and that's why I have to say yeah, yeah, Garfield Fathan. Which you could maybe use,

Apple guy. Yeah, see? Use it. Thank you. it thank you that's what i learned i learned all that too i learned the exact same thing as her see yep yep uh that was great. Yeah, I think one of those things, I was genuinely, like, I was ever so slightly worried in the beginning when I kind of, like, saw the thing and, like, saw, like, man, I'm a comedian. And then I was like, oh, man, is this going to be, like, something where, likeiques of the jokes but it's like no like you lean so far into this that like your your true self came out immediately it's a constant struggle between him wanting to be funny and him having really furious opinions about apples i'm absolutely imagining him like typing up some of these reviews and writing something and being like, no, that's too much of a joke. I have to stay true to my readers.

Right, yeah. And even his actual joke in the biggest scare quotes in the world is basically he has one joke and will make it nine times in a single paragraph. It reminds me of back in the day when everyone decided that they were going to be the next Sean Baby. Back in later...

Oh, yeah. Like late 90s internet. You know, you got your... Good day for manic panic hair dye. Yeah, you got your Tucker Maxes and your Maddoxes and such. Only it's about apples instead of, I don't know, action movies and such. A little less likely to be racist? A little less.

But he didn't quite miss it. No, entirely. He still got there. He jumped over a couple puddles, though. That was nice of him. Our website, thefpl.us,

where you will find no Apple rankings, but you might find them on Ball Pits. Oh, hell yeah. Apple ranking thread. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get an Apple ranking thread. Bye. Bye. Apple.

Apple. Apple. Excelsior. Excelsior. Apple later. Yeahelsior. Excelsior. I'll apple later. Yeah. Oh no. Let me stop it.

Eat apples and bananas. I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas. A-late-ate, ate, ate apples and bananas. A-Lake-Tay-Eight. Eight. Eight. Apples and bananas. A-Lake-Tay-Eight. Eight.

Eight. Apples and bananas.