The F Plus - 394: These Spells Don't Work

Episode Date: October 29, 2023

The promise of the website Spells of Magic is very compelling: Over 16,000 spells to help you do things like turn into a dragon, make friends with a dragon, look like a dragon, or be a mermaid (who is also a dragon). And while that all sounds great, Tadashi and Nekoshema are in the comments and... well, they've got bad news for you. This week, The F Plus buys tickets to see Dub Mumbledoor.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm skipping right over the Undertale one. Not only am I skipping over it, but I'm skipping over toast notes about what Undertale is. Welcome to the F Plus Podcast, a magical place with terrible things read with enthusiasm. And in the room tonight we have Boots Reingear. You cannot transform into an orb of light. John Toast. You cannot transform into a baby with real magick. Bortex. Saying a chant will not make you gain weight.

Kumquat Zop. You cannot create fire with magick. Zarla. I am trying to help people. And Lemon. You cannot be a mermaid, even for one day. No, you can't! No, you can't! You'll see You'll never see the end

Hey, F-Plus. Hi. Oh, hello, Lemon. Hey, hey, are you all feeling powerful? I am, actually, now that you mention it. Thank you. Oh. I'm not.

Well, get the fuck out of the way, then. Tell us, what do you think gives you your power? I think it's all of these spells that I have in my mind now. Now? Now at the beginning of the episode? Yeah. Time power. He's telepathically putting it on the dock.

He's the one that's going to lose them. We're going to consume them from him. Oh, I see. Dock reading is a zero-sum game. Yes. I'm going to consume them from him. Oh, I see. Doc reading is a zero-sum game. Yes. I'm going to pass them along. Well, actually, yeah. As I think you might be aware, you know, sometimes we start off with a pretense, however thick, of the document that we have in front of us. However, no pretense is possible

because what we're reading today is a document on spells of magic, which was provided to us by Portax, Toast, and Zarlo. Yeah. And mostly Zarlo. And almost not me at all. It just happened. So I was looking at

the thefbl.us where there is a search function. There are two different episodes we've done about spells of magic. Last one in 2015 where we learned about the V-string. The V-string is like a G-string except it has no cover patch

on the front. Except it's not shaped like a G. I think there was a C string as well. There was a, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. But yeah, so, you know, the internet, as we all know, is a place that one of the things, one of the truisms that I think that philosophers have realized

is that like every hour you spend on the internet is an hour well spent. So true. Yeah. Yeah. It makes you just sort of better like, you know, mentally and physically. And so to that end, we're going to be looking at spells of magic.com, a website that has never been updated, ever.

I mean, like, it has lots of spells, but like, it's never been redesigned. They found a look, and they're sticking with it. But it's just a compendium of actual honest-to-God spells. You know, there's featured tarot videos on the front, and a lot of

like, sort of tarot-based stuff. There's obviously like, horoscopes. There happens to be a bunch of shit you can buy. All very real stuff. Oh, man. It's very weird. Money drawing. Two-ounce money-drawing bath oil with gold on sale now, 5% off.

Only $7.08. I'd be stupid not to. Yeah, there's a little, like, one of the things that I never noticed before on Spells of Magic is there's an Ask Moira on the sign. And so she's like a fortune teller. So if I just type in, why am I so sad? Moira says yes. That's not wrong. How did they do that?

Magic. It's like a Zen master. I want you to ponder the question. I said it's not wrong. How did they do that? Magic! It's like a Zen master. I want you to ponder the question. Inviting you to sink. Yeah, so looking here at the 47 fucking pages that you all put in front of me. Thank you so much.

This will be really easy to live edit. I had to stop at some point. It was so hard, but I had to stop. Possibly through magic. Great. So we're going to start off with the first section, which is called Tiger. And there's a spell here

in the category of Spells, Fantasy, Dragon. Tiger spell! Right. What?, dragon, tiger spell. What? The dragon and the tiger. Tigers are a sub-phila of dragon. Yeah. So, Portex, if you'll start us off here, and can you bring us

the tiger spell? Are we talking about tiger spell? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Tiger Spell. With five exclamation points? Mm-hmm. Yeah, so Spell's Fantasy Dragon. Tiger Spell!

Yeah. I'm testing this spell as we speak, so please, if it doesn't work, no mean mail. I got this spell from YouTube. Oh, wow. That's how you get all the best spells. No mean mail. No mean mail. The primary source everyone should start with.

I got this spell from YouTube. Well, at least you've attributed it. You would think a YouTube video of a man turning into a tiger would have gotten more views, but it actually didn't. You're going to need the following items for the spell, alright, and make sure everyone's got their stuff.

You. I'm out of that. Wait, I'm out of that. How many you's do I need? Just you. You need belief. You need belief. You need picture of tiger. Can be on computer.

Thank God. You can put away those Encyclopedia Britannica. We can actually. Sounds good. What else do I need though? Is there another need that I have? Cats will probably help. Not necessary. What else do I need, though? Is there another need that I have? Liking cats will probably help. Okay, good.

Not necessary. That's what you need. You need a liking cats will probably help. Okay. Okay, what else? What else do I need? And finally, you will need the spell. That's literally the bullet point.

It's a recursive spell. That's literally the bullet point. It says, and finally, you will need the spell. That's so fortuitous. I've got it right here. It's not magic. Casting instructions for Tiger Spell. Say 3X, looking at the tiger pick.

Tiger, tiger in the trees. Please, your spirit, enter me. Make me change into you. Orange, black, and white. Running through the trees. Give me the ability to change from human to thee. Strong and powerful with sharp pointy teeth. This is my wish, so...

Sorry. I don't know what's happening. Hope it works on both you guys and me. Side effects, sharper teeth, hiss when scared, stush angry, longer hair, sharper nails, stronger. This is my first spell, so I will take positive criticism. Again, hope it works. We'll do more spells soon. Athena, 97.

Hey, I'm Hecate Witch. Hecate Witch, but yes. Sorry, Hecate Witch. Hecate, yeah. Did it work? Yeah. It worked. Thank you. Tiger Portax is going to be on the rest of the episode.

I hope you all enjoy it. Yeah. My name's Tadashi. You cannot physically transform into a tiger. Oh, fuck you. I just did it. It's great. Oh, I can even print the spell when I click on this.

That's cool. I can share it to Pinterest. I can share it to Pinterest. Yeah, you can. I can watch it on YouTube. Okay. I got it. So, yeah, that document, again, provided by Portax, Zarla, and Toast, the first section was called Tiger.

So the second section is called Magical Powers. Magical Powers. Reical Powers revealed to me. Yeah, Boots, I gotta say, I'm a little bit I don't know, like a little bit overwhelmed by this design, by this website. How do spells work? Oh, awesome. I have a spell for that. Okay.

A spell spell. A spell spell. I love. This is like an all-encompassing spell. I don't know why we need any of these other fucking spells. Yeah. This spell is how to make a spell. Oh, it's one of those French mother spells. It's a real shame.

The three of us worked on this doc, took all this time, edited it, and now the first spell is just going to render it all. Yeah, Zerla, why did you add any of the rest of these? I know, right? It was a mistake. You might edit them out. Here are the items that you need for this spell. Great.

All right, yep. Paper. And then a pen slash marker. I got both of those things. You can use a magic marker. Doing good. That's where the magic comes from, for the magic marker. Casting instructions for how to make a spell first the obvious step think of what type of spell you want

keep in mind which spells are harder to perform than others it's best to do a simple spell if this is your first time making a spell of course everyone is different generally beauty health and weather spells are harder to perform since they are physical magick. So you have to prove it. But this is not the case for everyone. I recommend a simple manifestation spell,

wish spell, luck, wealth, etc. Now, get out a piece of paper and a pen or marker. It is best not to use a pencil. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The ephemeral nature of it is useless for spellcrafters.

That's my magic wand. Write down the spell's name, its purpose, requirements, and incantation. All right. How to have a bumpin' ass. Nice. After you do that, place your hand over the paper, about three inches off the paper, and imagine

your energy running through your veins. Ow! Imagine your energy going through your arm and into the spell. Imagine smelling burnt toast. Don't use too much of your own energy. Save some for the actual spell.

What's the energy going towards then? Have an ether on hand. Imagine energy coming from Mother Nature. Plants and the ground. You know. You know, plants and stuff. That's what nature nature you can imagine green energy

or whatever color best suits you coming from the ground wrapping around your legs into your body through your arms and into the spell imagine energy coming from the universe the sky outer space everything

and imagine it going into your head, through your arm, and into the spell. It burns! Imagine you performing the spell and the spell working. Now you can keep your hand where it is or hold the paper. Chant the following.

This is optional. Chant the following. This is optional. What? Chant as long as you want. Okay. That's optional. Okay. I will. Wind, fire, water, earth, I call on you to make this spell magick. So mote it be.

So mote it be! Related to attract the little ones. By the way, a fun drinking game for all the listeners Take a drink every time So Moted Bee happens And you will be dead in ten minutes By the way, my name is Toxic Kira With two X's in toxic A lot of people in the comments Remarked that their hands got numb From doing this spell X's and toxic. A lot of people in the comments remarked

that their hands got numb from doing this spell. And then other people responded that that means it worked. Sounds legit. COVID is magic. I held up my hand out for a while. Yeah, there's so many people here saying like,

does this work? And they're like, yeah. It totally works. What do you mean? I wrote a spell. The spell that does spells. Kukwa, you have a comment to read? My name is Lottie555. I am asking how to make a spell page on this website, not how to make it in real life.

I just want to know how to make a page for my spell. Say John Toast, that spell that Boots had about spells, I found that too complicated. It was too demanding. It makes sense. There was a lot to it. Yeah, there really was. Can you just tell me how to get magic? I want to get magic.

I want to get magic. Oh, yeah. Hi, everyone. I'm Butterspell. I'm going to tell you how to get magic. Make yourself magic with this easy spell. You will need the following items for this spell. None.

Wow. Well, you don't have any of the magic yet. I'm sold. Here's how you do it. Save this spell anywhere as many times as you want. The more times you save, the more powerful magic you will have. So say, let me be magic, let me have the power, let me have magic in half an hour.

Wow. Come on! let me have magic in half an hour wow come on hey my name's Lauren 09 yeah does this work I hope it does I'm non-stop LD no cause you can't be get magic all of us everyone has magic

also this uh in the comments here is this person Nekoshima who tries Also this In the comments here is this person Nekoshima who tries Who's basically the Rob the Parrot of spells Of magic who keeps trying to explain Magic In every conceivable way So

Magic is a natural energy everyone has the ability To utilize this yes some are born with gifts And some can do things easier than others, similar to natural-born talents. But like with natural-born talents, it doesn't mean this person can do it and this person can't, and so on and so forth. Every day, getting up, going to SpellsOfMagic.com. Yeah, this is their burden. Every few spells Nekoshima will show up and be like, this doesn't actually work. It's like, okay.

They are everywhere. Yes. This is another pretty short one here. But Zarla, I just saw in this document the court case spell. Can you bring me the court case spell? The court case spell? The court case spell, yes. It explains what it does and why.

Okay, so this is the court case spell. It's in spells, health, death, court case. The court case. Yeah. It explains. It explains what it does and why. Okay, so this is the court case spell. It's in spells, health, death court case spell. This spell keeps you protected from the law since they are always drug dealers. What? The law is always? You will need the following items. All cops are drug dealers. Yep.

You will need the following items for this spell. Nothing. Yeah! That's just easy. Already there. Casting instructions for court case spell. Nothing. Yeah! That's just easy. Casting instructions for court case spell. Say court case spell, then say activate. Then say the situation. The end. Bye.

You are now in court. Some of the situation to help you out. This is the worst familiar. I'm done. Goodbye. Slam the door behind me. Tadashi replies,

this will not work. And then more words. Actually, I want to read all of that. Yeah, yeah, go for it. Yeah, I'm Tadashi. This will not work. The energy required

to win a court case is not in this spell. Which spell is it in then? What the fuck? Furthermore, you required to win a court case is not in this spell. Which spell is it in, then? What the fuck? Furthermore, you need to repeat a chant. You cannot say, do this, activate once and expect results. It requires a lot more effort to cast a spell than outlined here.

I don't like these rules. I just want to do my court case spell. And then I click print spell. Okay. Kumquats click print spell. Okay. Kumquats up. I'd love to open a hell gate. Do you think I can help you with that? Yes.

Yes. Okay, good. A spell designed to open an incorporeal gateway to the realm of demons! Doesn't summon demons! Yeah, yeah, yeah. What?

Wait, what? What? Um, okay. Alright. It doesn't summon them. Yeah! It's like holding the door open at like a restaurant or something.

You know, you're just, you're letting it in. It's a hell gate, not a hell doorbell. So it's just, yeah, it's like the Doom Slayer shows up. Hey, how you doing? All right, see you later.

Yeah, Dave wins. I'm walking by like, what's that earth? Who opened that? We're over here. We got infinite energy. What the fuck? You guys burning coal? That seems wasteful.

We just get to torture you over here. Why would we go there now? Casting instructions for opening a hell gate. You will need the following items for this spell. Any location not

protected from demons. Oh god, that's the tough part. This is a rather simple one to accomplish, but cannot be performed on land protected from demons, such as holy ground. Understand that once opened, hell gates are almost impossible to close. Yeah, very easy to open. No downside so far. Yeah.

To begin, simply choose a suitable location. I would recommend away from yourself or where you perform spells. Why am I opening it? That's fine, because I perform spells in a place other than where I am. Also, I perform them other than in a place

where I perform spells. It's a spell zoom call. That's why you wasn't listed as one of the things you need. You must be there physically in the place where you perform spells where you cannot be. You've just created a quantum state!

Oh, never mind. I guess. Cannot be accomplished using astral projection or scrying! Next, stand just near a surface for the gate to connect to. Begin chanting. Facio a porta ad inferos et tua dia mons transire sic furuntar mundi. Oh, fuck, yeah.

What's up, Anton LaVey? Yeah. After this, I would leave quickly. You may have opened the gate, but without protection, the demons may turn on you as their first victim. I'm Hog Hell 3.

Does this work? I'm Gekishima. I doubt it. I'm not sure, but I doubt it. I have a healthy skepticism as a person who spends all their life on the spells of magic. I had to tab over here from reason.com.

Every spell has somebody saying, does it work? Nekoshima, why do you doubt it? There's a thing. While you can summon demons, spirits, fey, dragons, and other astral beings, you can't open a gate to hell. Why not?

If you really want to summon a demon, I would research the specific demon so you know how to call on it, but also how to protect yourself and send it away. Do your research. Yeah, sure. Like, in my 20s, I was looking for a specific demon. But, like, at this point, fuck, I'll take anything. Just a little beer that goes, hello, I'm from the north. Yeah. It doesn't get into magic for all these rules.

Sarla! Sarla, scrolling down here, we're still in the magical powers section. I just saw the spell entitled Lightening Attack. Lightening Attack. A lightning attack. I am feeling pretty heavy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.

Sarla's got you covered. It's my... You're going to eat this after the eat food spell from a couple episodes ago. It's my five star lightning attack. Oh, it is. It's rated five out of five. It's in spells, health my five-star lightning attack. Oh, it is. It's rated five out of five. It's a spells health death

lightning attack. And I can, you can use this spell to electrocute your enemies. Hell yeah. You will need the following items for this spell.

None. Excellent. Hear my casting instructions. Point your finger at your enemies and whisper so they don't hear you blast them.

Whisper, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock,

shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, shock, blast them. Whisper, shock them through. Shock them through. The end. And then I walk to the door and slam it again. Hey, hey, hey, Lemon.

Hey, Lemon. Hey, Lemon. Yo, what's up? What's up? Shock them through. Fuck! No! Gotcha.

Who cares if they hear you shock them to death? If they hear you, it doesn't count. It doesn't work. The first time, because I scrawled through that pretty fast, and so the first time I read it, I read it as whisper, shock them, though. For real, though. Just shock them, though. Don't kill them, but shock them, though. Come on, man.

But really, shock them. Seriously, shock them. Shock them, though. Okay, so we're going gonna move into the next section the next section is called summoning spells um and uh my name is mythology 101 uh i've been a member of this site for 10 years um so uh okay uh is your best friend too busy to hang out with you? Are you too lazy to do something like take out the trash or go to school? This is the perfect spell to see if any of those things are true. This is called Awesome Clone.

Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. I need the Awesome Clone. Yeah, wow. A better version of me? Yes, please. Yeah. Can they come with a backwards hat?

And a skateboard, absolutely. We need to ask Nick if he wants to come with a backwards hat. And a skateboard, absolutely. A Disney Channel original movie. They come with a backwards hat. Okay, so there's two things you're going to need for this spell. Two things. First of all, a portrait of the person you want to clone. I don't mean photo. I mean portrait.

Like commission a portrait. And then a wand, but that's optional. Okay, so first of all, find a portrait of who you want to clone. Go to the museum. It's a whole point-and-click adventure. Okay, so then think about why you want to clone them, then say the following spell. Why am I doing this? Yeah, so first you find the portrait.

Then you go, what's happening in my life? Why am I here? If you want to keep people on this forum, you probably don't want to suggest they self-reflect. Why am I doing this? Okay, so then say the following spell.

One name of person you're cloning is not enough. Give this photo a life. So it's just like the photo of little men arms and necks and running around? Oh, I wish. No, I hope so. I mean, the thing is, is that like, because your awesome clone is going to make his own awesome clone. And pretty soon it's going to be like a Calvin and Hobbes multiplicity, man.

Okay, Boots, I want to summon Zongli. Yeah, yeah. Who doesn't? Summon Zongli. Hey, it's me, Zongli. You got five stars for this one. My five star summon Zongli spell. My name is, uh...

Wow, it is. It is. Yeah, it is. And then your bio is, uh, has been a member of the site for one month. Wow, that's a fresh spell. It's new. Got that new smell to it.

This is a very simple spell to summon a guardian spirit named Zhongli. You'll need the following items for the spell. We need ten brown candles. You need five roaches of any breed. Must be alive. Must be alive. Cockroaches are nothing. Okay, it's not the bird ends of joints.

They must be alive. Yeah, no, yeah, they actually have to be lit roaches. Five lit roaches? Yeah. Okay, that's a spinning plates act. Sorry, casting instructions. Place the candles in a circle around you and release the roaches onto the floor. Make sure they stay within the circle of

candles. Okay, it's still definitely a challenge. Herding roaches. Put roaches in your house. Do it. Light the candles and chant this spell about ten times. You know. Oh. Okay. Yeah, what? Yes.

Oh, twink lord barbatos please make jongly come home to me may the winds of the anemo archon guide him home oh sharni tartaglia make jongly come home to me make your waves guide him

along the wind oh beautiful keking make jongly come home to me make your storm lead the way oh queen ningguang make zhongli come home to me may your rocks build the path oh zhongli come home may the geo archon finally come back, adepte of cloud, moon, and mountains. Steady our hearts to prepare. And then do that nine more times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It rolls off the tongue. The GeoArchon's arrival. Amen. Amen. So, mode it, B? That's all. Bye. I'm looking it up. What only possible hit i get for zhongli

is from genchin impact yeah barbados i searched twig lord barbados anime boys good summon oh there's no one in the comments asking if this one works so it must work that's true it's so obvious they weren't gonna bother asking about it clearly that one works yeah hey lemon yeah what yeah what yep i want to tell you how to sex partner appears out of thin air oh okay i am intrigued yeah yes please hi all right what do I need for this? Hi I'm Jorge Perez Yeah you are We had one of your spells earlier Did we? Okay

I forgot about it I Makes a guy slash girl appear out of thin air And has sex with you This is only hetero Damn it Wow In what duration? and has sex with you. This is only hetero. Damn it. Wow.

In what duration? Poof! Wham! Jorge Perez did the court case spell. He's just into activation. Activation of spells, I guess. He's snappy. You want to spell? You get to do it fast. You will need the following...

You have... Come on, come on. Fuck me already. You will need the following items for this spell. Nothing. Okay? Say, say lover. Then say activate.

Then put what kind of sexual experience you want. Where? Where do I put it? I know where it doesn't go. You don't put it. Only hetero, though. Then the job is done. If she slash he is in your life already,

she slash he will move, be naked on your bed. This is only for hetero, though. Boo! Where's the gay one? Oh, Tadashi's here again. What's Dadashi got to say about it? He had to clarify no homo

like four times in that spell. Yeah, no. If you want to do a gay, instead of activate, you say engage. Dadashi says, you cannot make anyone or anything appear out of thin air with real magic why are you on this website that comment was from September 18th 2023

so they're here now now just writing they're watching us read this yeah that one's dumb that one's dumb too That one's dumb too! Dashi's looking out for all of us.

Yeah, thanks. Is there a way to list new spells? I mean, these are all ancient wicked traditions, Boots. Of course there's no actually new ones. The druids themselves told me how to summon He just means

New like 800 AD Oh okay Noi You guys want to make a lot of rain? Yeah Awesome we're going to go to Page 10,589

Slash page.html. Okay, so there might be a lot of rain for two weeks or so. It depends on how powerful you say it. So you're going to need the following items for this spell. Wand. It's not optional.

You need the wand. Any particular kind of wand or anything? Just a wand. No, you need a wand. And two wands will fuck it up too. Like one of the electrocuting purple BDSM wands. That would be fine. That would be fine. Anything you get at Universal Studios

absolutely okay. Whatever. Okay. Hold your wand in your right hand. It does not matter what hand you are. Yeah. It's the correct one. It has to be in your right. Yeah.

But my left hand is sinister. We can't use that. That's true. Then what am I doing with my left hand? Okay. Well, so then you're going to pick both hands up with your left hand open. Yeah. And spin both counterclockwise in a small circle.

All right. Doing it? Both. Okay. Spinning my hands? Then say, Let it rain. Let it rain.

Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain. Let it rain. Oh, God, I was too hard. I did say about six times and not exactly six times.

That's fine, John Cho. You're absolutely on book. It's okay. It's more of an art than a science. Absolutely. You just got to feel it, you know? Okay. So then put the wand down.

Open up both hands. both hands Spin them counterclockwise Spinning my hands counterclockwise Yeah spin both hands Both hands counterclockwise Spin them counterclockwise This is a Todd Howard game Yeah And then after you're done with that you say

Da na na da na na Da na na da na na Da na na da na na Da na na da na na And then after you're done with that, you say, My name's World So Cold 1. All right, y'all have fun with the episode. I'm going to sit outside and watch it rain because I know it's going to. There are no comments on this. I have to figure out how to rotate my hand. The fuck is that guy doing out there? I'll tell you.

He was doing a whole Bob Fosse dance. That one could also be a Rihanna song That's what it's all about Boots can you help me make friends with the devil Yep Friends with devil Friends with devil If you're friends with devil

My name is Jack Marsh Friends with devil Description Friends with devil. Description. Friends with devil. Very dangerous. Friends! Friends! You will need the following items for this spell.

Mirror. All right. Black and red candles, one of each. Cross. On that can make... Whoa. Wait. On that can break made of glass or any material that can break

i mean other than diamond like yes literally anything lasting and two more things you must collect for the spell night and alone time got that one covered casting instructions for friends with devil lights the two candles turn off the lights look in the mirror and say devil i love you you're the best of friends i'll go to hell with you and come back up i see you in my dreams. I see you in the mirror. This is what I want. So mode it be. So mode it be. Careful, this can kill you.

Oh no. Too desperate. Hi, my name's Wang. Hi, Wang. Hey, this spell can kill, I believe. This is Nekoshima reporting. This doesn't work, so you've got nothing to worry about.

Oh, thanks! I'm so glad you comment on literally every spell on this website! I found a spell that isn't particularly worth reading, but it's about how to create a unicorn. Okay. And just sort of the fun thing there is Nekoshima is

trying very hard to explain how unicorns work. They horses with the horn? Is that how it works? This spell is fake. It claims you can create your own unicorn, but you can't. Try it yourself and you see it doesn't work. And then later, this is the physical plane. Unicorns are not physical beings, as someone else said. You can pull your energy into a thought form or a servitor in the shape of a unicorn, but it wouldn't be physical.

If unicorns exist on another plane, then they wouldn't be physical. They'd be astral, ethereal, whatever plane they exist on. And then someone says something like, I miss when people used to be more spiritual. And Nekoshima shows up and says, you mean superstitious as I blame things like crops dying on witches and not the lack of rain or believe some bathing caused sickness and not, you know, germs from not bathing. While I admit a lot of the mysteries of the lost, the connection still exists for those willing to seek it out. And just goes on and on and on. I'm not sure if you'll be happy or upset, but there is a way to have a real unicorn, but not with McGick. There was a couple back in the 60s, I believe, who went to renaissance fairs with unicorns.

They were goats. So the goat horns grew as one in the center of their forehead. They then grew the goats to look like mystical unicorns. It's just like, okay. Can I read Anonymous 35?

Etsy store is some Disney tarot cards. Yeah, Disney tarot cards. Nekoshima is online right now. Of course they are. They can sense us. Like, technically she's online tomorrow, so I assume she's in Europe. In Stonehenge right now.

Can I do Anonymous 25? Yeah, absolutely. Starting to think this entire site is a scam. Spells are evil. Meanwhile, here's a basic modern spell that claims it can kill you. Like, why even add this up here? Even if it were true.

SMDH. Or SMDH. Sen Megami Tensei. I have something to take out with SpellsOfMagic.com's risk department. Clearly they have not done their due diligence. Boots, back on the Friends of the Devil. Friends with Devil. Friends with Devil.

Your name is Allie Assalone. Allie Assalone. Allie. Hold on. Allie Assalone. Yeah, you is Allie Assalone. Allie Assalone. Allie. Hold on. Allie Assalone. Yeah, you're Allie Assalone. I just have a question for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, is everyone on this specific page suicidal? Yes. Okay. Wow. Thanks. All right. That was the last time that she was seen. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, Allie. All right, all right. This one's a longer spell, but it's got five stars, so it's a good one. Portax. I don't want to be any average werewolf. I want to be an alpha werewolf. Werewolf alpha.

Damn it, I'm already a tiger. Now you can turn me into a wolf too? Absolutely. I'm just the entirety of Furbidity by the time we're done with this. Oh god. Fate worse than death. Yeah, so what is my name? My name is Icky. Icky.

The, yeah, spells, fantasy, werewolf, werewolf alpha. The real werewolf spell to become an alpha. A thing that the wolves do not actually have, but fine. Werewolves do. Just for you. Just for you, Fortress. Oh, werewolwolves do. But listen, just for you. Maybe wolves don't, but werewolves might. Just for you, Fortress. Oh, werewolves definitely do. I have a lot of stories I could introduce you to about that.

You don't say. Listen, there's one thing you should know about me, medically. If I don't read the word nodding every, like, three minutes, I die. I've heard of that condition, yeah. Will I be okay? Will I've heard of that condition, yeah. Will I be okay? Will I be okay in the story? Well, copyright-wise, you're kind of in trouble, I think. Correct.

So you need the following items for the spell. A full moon, a strong be-life, and a forest. Optional. Casting instructions for Werewolf Alpha. Greetings. Today I'm giving away Werewolf Alpha spell. Before you start, I'm going to...

Step right up! Come on. Before you, I am going to... Before I start, I'm going to explain what the term Alpha means. Just like wolves who live in... Oh my god! Just like wolves who live in packs have leaders, the leader is called an alpha, and alpha controls his pack.

I like the, this is the piece of disinformation you're bothered by. Yeah, I'm the Nekoshima of wolves do not have alphas and omegas. It's like, A, the fact that it's disinformation, B, the fact that they feel they need to explain it. Yeah. And it's about the spell.

Alpha controls his pack, and his words is law to his pack. Everyone in his pack obeys his demands. So now when you're familiar with the term Alpha, I am going to give you the spell. Great. You obey his words. And porcupines can shoot their quills

and all sorts of fun animal facts. And bird needs bent backwards. Bird needs bent backwards. I heard that. I'm pretty sure that's true. Yeah, that was all sorts of things. That was sourced from the Scientific Authority Lionsgate films. Maker of Alpha and Omega.

When you are in the forest at night, make sure you have a full moon shining at you face. It must be dark. At your face. Say this ten times with the moon on your face without failing. By the light of the moon and our piercing howls, we are further transformed into cunning beasts. From the circle of life to the evolution of man, I shall be reawakened as one with the land.

Howls are heard from far and near. The moon shines on the pack, running, howling, barking. Fierce as the cold snow, make me as I was meant to be, a werewolf dark as night. This is my will, so it shall be, to shift what's now going to be inside me. I will be most powerful with my pack. All my senses will be a hundred times better than a regular human. My eyes red, fangs and claws. This is my will, so mote it be.

So mote it be. Toast, are there any side effects to this? I don't know. I've become a tiger wolf now, so this is a... These are these side effects, not the main effects. Just picture, like, wolves, like, running on a beach, like, walking through the park.

Yeah, holding hands. Side effects, main effects. Toast, what are the side effects? I don't know. Side effects include, as an alpha, you will be able to turn others into werewolves by biting them or injecting your blood into their system your eyes will turn red sometimes you will go claw sometimes you will groan long thanks sometimes you will turn into a werewolf when it's the full moon also when you're are. You will have an uncontrollable anger. Memory loss from transformations the first times. Urges to be in the

forest. Urges to turn people into werewolves and build a pack. Werewolves turn into werewolves when they're asleep? That's lame. They can't even enjoy it. You have to throw their clothes at them to turn them back into a person. That's a real one. That's not one I'm making up, I don't person. That's a real one. That's not what I'm making up.

Super strong. Super fast. Better hearing. Better senses. Better hearing. Urge to howl. What was that again? What? Better hearing.

Urge to howl. Bark. Growl. Better hearing. Headaches. Boat aches. Urge to howl. Bark.

Growl. Toothaches Muscle aches Better hearing Better body Taller If there is any more CD fix Please ill me me or kick me

Wow Good Good Catch you next time Catch it I'll catch you next time Gadget Every single One of these spells I scroll down In the first comment This spell is fake

You cannot physically transform into a werewolf How dare you I just did it I'm doing it right now I'm in the I've transformed into the man version of werewolf it works Astrid I've done it thanks Mr. DeRosa

that's from 2022. Jesus. Yeah. So there's, there's plenty more in the, in the transformation one. You can turn into Evie, the Pokemon.

You can turn into a half angel, half demon. That has a big slap fight in it. Yeah. Is there a big argument on that one? Oh yeah. No, you're right.

Okay. Okay. Oh, nevermind. I, okay, oh never mind, I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm sorry Oh man, what are they arguing about, I wonder Oh god Can I just, we don't have to read all this But can I be to Avalon Rain Yeah, yeah, yeah Hello, I am Avalon Rain, with two N's and an E.

Being half angel and half demon is not the best life choice. I was born that way. Oh, no. Your eyes change color when you're in a bad mood, too. It's a life choice and you were born that way? My eyes do change color. My dude's eyes are different colors, but one of them is always covered by hair

so you can never tell. It is hard to draw the other eyes. Exactly. You understand me. You understand me. If you think you feel out of place now, it will be your worst nightmare come true. Careful, everyone. Blessed be.

Oh. Blessings be. What did Nekoshima think about that, though? Oh, God, Nekoshima. Where's Nekoshima? Summon Nekoshima spell. Activate. Take it, Vortex. According to her profile, she's actually a vampire-slash-werewolf hybrid, so add that to the list.

Seriously, this isn't a role-playing site, and you could get gagged for violating the rules. Just a heads up. Really? You cannot become anything other than human. You can look into working with angels and demons, so you can bind one to you. I wouldn't recommend that. It's like getting married. Only the divorce is ten times harder.

That demon knows what I'm talking about. Can I be the small fox really quick? Yeah, yeah. Be the small fox. Nekoshima, I understand you wish to protect others from fake spells, but on every spell I've seen involving transformation, your comments are crushing the dreams of others

and pushing your beliefs onto them. Though I understand where you're coming from, I will ask you to please cease with pushing your beliefs onto others in the community. I have a feeling that you wouldn't want other people's beliefs pushed onto you. Thanks, the small fox. My name's Rhododendron. She's not crushing the dreams of other small fox.

She's just stating a fact. Honestly, I view it as kinder to let people know that transformation isn't possible so they don't waste time and energy trying to achieve it. I've seen people who think they can cast spells because they're trying things like transformation. I think it's kind of sad when someone spends so much time and so much passion into something impossible. I think it's much better to let people know

early on. Those spells looking to be the sole cause of transformation may not work. They can, however, help put you in the mindset needed to physically grow various body parts. What? Yes! There's the Goro spell. Or at least there is.

This thing has a search. Hang on. Quaid. Quaid, so-moted being. And then it goes on for a while. I like various body parts. Like it's going to be a grab bag. It's like reaching into a thing of Skittles.

You don't know what flavor you're going to get. There was no results for either Goro or extra arms. Spells of Magic has failed us. Again. The One Piece cosplay group is going to be so disappointed in me. I can't take it. Hey, Boots,

what's Bionic Man's question? Bionic Man says, Do you guys think it's okay to use metal in a wand? Because dim thinking of using my arm as a wand? What? The word because

is really confusing in there. I am confused. Well, they're a bionic man. I'm a bionic man. Arm metal. It's arm metal? Are you a bionic man? All right.

Going down to the next one. Kumquats. Yes. We are in the I one. Kumquat's up. We are in the I curse you section. I curse you! I curse you. I curse you. And this is a curse against enemies. Can't I curse my friends, though, as a prank?

That would be a different spell. Damn it. Hi, my name is Blackest Rose. This is a curse against enemies. It puts a curse on your enemies. Are you writing this down? Gotcha. You will need the following items for this spell.

Voice, enemies. That's good to have. You may use anything other items to make the smell stronger. So, you know, like a Sega Dreamcast. The equivalent of like on all recipes when it's just like, use your own

ingredients. A lot of people using their own ingredients. Just figure it out. Casting instructions for Curse Against Enemies. enemies chant the following three times curse my enemies curse my fears

curse those who have brought me tears curse those who have done me wrong make their punishment long and strong time to get the friction on. This is my will.

Summon it be! Summon it be! Hi, I'm Zacharias. So what happens when you cast it? Vortex, what does Nekoshima think about it? You can change the energy in Negative Emotions, Anger, Specificality. Visualize your target in pain and misery.

And then you feel when you feel you may explode with rage, say the chant as many times as you feel necessary. Whatever you are visualizing should direct the energy to bring those misfortunes to them. You should feel very energizes, angry, fidgety. And when finished, you might feel a calm sense of relief, drained, or still energized. Okay, she puts herself up for To be clear, Nekoshima is like, this one works.

This one absolutely works. It's a good one. As long as you may use anything other items to make the spell stronger. Energy Meow backs her up. And Tadashi also improves. Oh, we found the one that works! It's a good stronger. Energy Meow backs her up. And Tadashi also approves. Oh, we found the one that works! Yeah! This is a good one. Bookmark, bookmark.

Hey, I found a spell. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. My name is Tamsin. Cool. And this spell is hold breath for one hour. It's under the category. Finally! Excuse me, excuse me.

What category is this spell in? It's under the category of spells, fantasy mermaid. So use this spell to help hold your breath. You will need the following items for this spell. None. Here are the casting instructions for hold breath for one hour. Get a big gulp of air once you're underwater release it slowly fuck yeah fuck yeah so would it be so moda just was you know who was here to dashi

she says it won't work and then someone else replies with, Have you tried it? I don't think you have tried it, Tadashi. And then Tadashi goes back and says, Did you even read my comment? No. So I found it. I'm not going to read it, but I found a spell on that section that says,

Proof shapeshifting is 100% possible, and it's just a little rant about how you can totally do it in real life. And then Tadashi goes like 12 paragraphs pissed off about it. We're going to go to the next section. I'm going to give you the choice, John Toast. Wait, Jorge's back from stop people from not letting you jog. Ooh. What?

It's at the very end of Cursors. Oh, oh, okay. I'll do it then. Hi, I'm back. Yeah? Stops people from not letting you jog. The death section? Stops people from not letting you jog

so you can be fat banishes them. What? You will need the following items for this spell. I ain't explaining shit. Nothing. Jogging. so say so say jogging then say activate great you can say the guys leave who don't want you to jog from your life this is rainforest rainforest magick from mexico so backfires if you are not friends with Mexico. Like, no gimmicks. Backfires means

just doesn't help. This is great for, like, models. Jorge, did you forget your password to make a new account? Wow. I don't think they did. No comments. No comments! This one definitely works too, then. Why would you need to add

anything? I would love to comment and say, does this work? John Toast, I'm going to give you a choice. All right. Which of these two things would you like to teach us how to do? Would you like to teach us how to destroy the world?

Ooh, okay. I'm all ready. Okay, okay. I'll listen to the cycle. FTW, baby. Absolutely. Your other option, kill yourself in the afterlife. Hmm.

Oh, man. Oh, these are both so good, though. They are both really good. New death plus. I think I want to learn how to destroy the world Okay good It's a very good one Even though it only got 4 or 5 stars

That 5th star got destroyed Hi I am Who am I? I am Wow Guy Wow Guy Wow Guy Destroying the whole world wow look at you hey coming up in the world that you're about to destroy all right destroy the world used to set ablaze any world

oh shit saturn better fucking watch out it said the world but it really means a world yeah fucking watch out. It said the world, but it really means a world. Versatile. You will need the following items for the spell, none. Man, all these spells are easy. Screw that and the shit. It's like it's for lazy people.

Casting instructions for Destroy the World. First, dig a hole in the world and chant, I was pure. With my fucking hands? Don't see how deep the hole has to be. Use your nun. It's fine. I think. Well, obviously, if you use a shovel and not nun,

it doesn't work. First dig a hole in the world, then chant, I was pure once. Now I say, let this world be set ablaze. That's it. Are we done done are we gone are we done hey uh hey uh my name is reptile witch

uh-huh uh this will not work and then and then i'm replying to myself like this won't work at all i like to think like initially they just like knee jerk gave that comment and then it was like wait I should try it walked outside like this won't work at all like this won't work at all

one guy did show up who does ask does it work toast can you read Tadashi's response One guy did show up, Gadzooks, who does ask, does it work? Toast, can you read Tadashi's response? You cannot destroy the world. You could rework this to become a new type of New Year's spell to help when you are attempting a new lifestyle routine. As for destruction of the physical world, no. You're crushing my dreams. You could change it into a New Year's resolution. Yeah, that's very much a...

I love this recipe. I swapped everything out. Yeah, this is more online than that. Dig a hole and then chant, I was pure once. Now I'm going to go jogging twice a week at least. You can't destroy the world. You can decide to floss more often.

Dig a hole and then the chant I was pure once And now I will never let my Duolingo streak Go away Come Quatsa I want I you know I thought Until really super recently I thought that I wanted to send a hell message.

But I was wrong. Yeah. I actually want to send a hell message. Oh, it's like a message via massage. Yeah. Yeah. You got one of those for me? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you know? Hell message. Write a letter to Lucifer or any other demon. Nice. You will need the following items for this spell. Your blood, something to write with, a paper, a candle or lighter, fire, an envelope.

Casting instructions for Hellmeseange. When you write to Lucifer or any demon, write a formal letter. It could be dangerous if you do not. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Oh, scratch that.

This will still be dangerous. Now, as for the instructions, simply write the letter in your blood on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope. Then take the envelope and burn it. Okay, since I'm going to write with, I ain't got a sharpie, so I have to use

the sharpie to write with blood now? Yeah. A sharpie full of blood. Yeah. You're going to burn it anyway. Guess Of blood. Yeah. You're going to burn it anyway. Guess who's here? It's Nekoshima. Oh, Nekoshima's here?

Oh, boy! You don't need to write a letter to blood or a letter in blood to Satan. You could seal it with your blood, a drop of blood over your name, but you don't need to write the entire thing in your blood. I'm no expert on Satan demons, but if you wish to work with him, cast a circle, welcome him to join you, offer some cake and ale, juice and cookies work. But the devil might also enjoy a piece of steak and wine or water if you're underage.

Write the letter explaining who you are and why you wish to work with him, sign on bottom, drop of blood, and into the fire. I just love the devil being like, underage drinking, I would never support that. Devil loves juice and cookies. We established that on that one demon tumblr episode. Wait, wait, wait. Okay. Tadashi says,

this is fake, dangerous, and does not work. No. If it, dangerous, and does not work. If it's dangerous, then it's fake. If it's fake, how is it dangerous, Tadashi? I think the blood part of it is a little dangerous.

He's hoarding all the good magic for himself. Yeah. Tadashi's just concerned about tetanus. Hey, Epilus Hello, sad person No, I'm not sad I'm not sad, I'm gonna spell some magic, everything's pretty good

I wanna teach you how to make a gluten potion Delicious Gluten potion? Yeah, it's a gluten potion, this is in the category of death Sure Guess if you have an allergy, sure Gluten potion? Yeah, it's a gluten potion. This is in the category of death. Sure. I guess if you have an allergy, sure.

Yeah. Okay, so... So, okay. You're a capybara. Yeah, I'm a capybara. Okay, there's only three things you're going to need for the gluten potion. Water, obviously. A bottle to put the gluten potion. Water, obviously. A bottle to put the water in.

And then wheat. Okay. Freshly cut wheat. Okay. Not flour. Wheat. Okay, so shred the wheat or unbleached flour and place it in a bottle. And then you add the water.

And then when you shake the bottle, say this chant, but it's not important. Just for fun. So know when you're chanting this that it's not important. Gluten, gluten, beautiful gluten, won't you be ingested by thee? Food, glorious food. How did they know the thing I sing every time I drink beer? That's true.

That's true. Tested works, true. Everybody now. Gluten, gluten, make thee feel like they fell from a tree. Gluten, gluten, make thee feel like they fell from a tree. Gluten, gluten, plague thee who is gluten free. Wow. Say this three times.

I'm not sure what this is. A week later, you may put it through a sieve, the chant, I guess, and then the potion is now ready for your use. Congratulations, you have now eaten school paste. It works if you find something with a gluten allergy. I really wish someone did that, because she was like, you could work these energies to kill someone

with a gluten allergy. I wouldn't recommend it, though. I'm going to say, it doesn't say to put it in a fridge, so, like, if you're leaving that out for a week, you're going to... You're the one that's going to get very sick. That's... See? It works. All right, going to the...

Excuse me, the last section here. And this is the dragons section. Dragons! Wait, we're skipping over poor tech me, the last section here. And this is the dragons section. Dragons! Dragons! Wait, we're skipping over Portekmi, Baron Samedi? Yeah, rock me, Portekmi, Baron Samedi. That's it. Yep.

You will need your pal, Baron White Chalk. So this spell is called Half-Night Fury. There is a note from Toast about how to train your dragons that I'm just going to skip over. It's the thing from How to Train Your Dragon there. Great. So Portax, tell me about the

Half-Night Fury, please. Sure. A half-wolf, half-tiger, why not become the thing from How to Train Your Dragon. Damn right. Yeah, so it's five out of five stars. This is a spell I created for anyone to be able to transform into the Night Fury.

You'll need the following items for the spell, the picture of a Night Fury, and a toy of Toothless, the main dragon from the movie. That's optional. Okay. I'm Shepard Girl, and my casting instructions for Half-Night Fury. If you have one, hold the Toothless

toy and place the picture in front of you. Say this only once. Swift as air, black as night, let the children be filled with fright. My wish is to become Half-Night Fury, to rule the skies as the unholy offspring of lightning and death itself. I will be able to transform into the Night Fury completely

at will with little pain. To transform, I must visualize the change. To return, I must do the same. So mote it be. So mote it be! Side effects. Seeing visions of Night Furies. Feeling more draconic. Sharper nails and teeth. More nocturnal. Dreams of being a Night Fury.

Being more alone rather than humans. Agreed. Starting to roar and dreams of being a night fury being more alone rather than humans agreed starting to roar and growl often having an appetite of fish eyes for yellow or green pupils slightly becoming slits darker skin tone feeling more dangerous

on nights of the waxing mood since that's when night furies attack most hi I'm Nekoshima hi Nekoshima I'm, Nekoshima. I'm the dragon tiger wolf Night Fury. Hi. You cannot become half or full Night Fury. It's a fictional, though adorable, creature

and you're human. I'm Spells is my 54. I agree with you. God damn it. No. Thanks, Spells. User 605-688. User's on my side, kind of. I agree with you. God damn it. No. Thanks, spells. Okay. I think user 605-688-

User's on my side, kind of. Yeah. Go for it, Tarla. One of the sad truths of reality. Unless you're Otherkin. You'd still be pretty human. There's another Kin Claus. You've invoked the other Kin Claus.

Here they come. Ahem, ahem. My name is Dub Mumbledore. Yeah, Dub Mumbledore. Dub Mumbledore. Dub Mumbledore? Dub Mumbledore. I'm adding that to the band name list.

Dub Mumbledore. Sneak up kills Dub Mumbledore. Horry Petter. Horry Petter. Horry Petter. And they'll get to be Horry Petter. I'm shooting with one now. Horry Petter% Horry patter

Snee-up Snee-up Snee-up Snee-up You non-believers I have a reason to believe that dragons exist. Okay, Nekoshima here, and I'm going to clear the air. Nobody is questioning whether or not dragons exist.

Nobody. Nobody. Gotta lay this out. Okay, okay. Let's not talk crazy. See? Thank you. Let me clear this up.

They're astral beings. I've worked with them for over a decade. It's true. She wrote me a letter of recommendation. What we're doing is educating... We're on Dragon LinkedIn together. What we're doing is educating new members on the reality of McGick. Specifically, you can't physically transform into a dragon.

That's right, Dumb Dumb Mumbledore. Unless you're not a kid. Baldur is gonna get you. Baldur. Got the nose. And he's written by Dumbass. I love that part. nose.

And he's written by a dumbass. I love that part. In God's name. Sorry. Sorry. Duh. Toast, turn me into somebody from fucking Dragon Ball Z, please Yes, please Alright, I am Who am I?

I am I am a Bucci Of course I am And I have Super Shenron Yeah, my name is Tadashi This is fake, this is not working Hey, hey. It's a spell.

I had a whole bunch of Dragon Ball Z shit to say. Nekoshima says, role-playing is against site rules. God damn it. Goku is real. He is my friend. My name's Chism. Add comment. Worked. Thanks for the spell.

There you go. And then Nek... Say thank you. Thank you. Thank you. See? And then Nekojima's like, roleplaying is against site rules. All right. Lemon, you didn't even let me read that.

As punishment, I want to read the Dragon Cash spell. Ooh, okay, great. That sounds good. Yeah. Dragon Cash? How many, uh, this is like DLC. This is like Grand Theft Auto DLC. Dragon cash. You have to use real money to get dragon cash. Well, obviously, yeah.

You have to trick five-year-olds into spending $300 on their parents' money. This is perfect for starting out in Dragon McGick. Nice. So you will need the following items for the spell. Your mind, body, spirit, and will. And belief in dragons. All right then. While saying the incantation, think of cash coming to you.

Golden dragon of the horde, give this oon your magic word. I need the gold to pay my bills and stave away the winter chills. I ask not for my wins or wants. I ask in need and from my heart. Go dragon! Here's your money. Hey, we're dead! Hey, my name's Tadashi.

This requires an edit. Saying I want money and nothing else does nothing. You need to charge McGickle energy. You didn't say more than that. There was a whole... You need to set your intention. You need to chant for a long period. And if you're calling on dragons,

be sure to work with them. Otherwise, you need to be extra respectful and leave an offering of thanks if for no other reason than you bothered them. However, with all that said, I could see this working. Just in case. This is the one, this is the other one that works.

Nice, dragon money. See, it's nice of you to construct a criticism. Zarlik, can you help me dino summon? Dino summon. Hot dino summon. Yay. I love dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs. This is in Spell's Fantasy, dragon dino summon? Yay! I love dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs.

This is in Spells Fantasy Dragon Dino Summon. Okay, yeah, sure. Fear dragons, I suppose. Dinos are a kind of dragon. Yep, absolutely. A little bit behind the scenes, I was looking through the dragon spells, and I saw a dino summon, and I'm like, oh, this has got to go. Nekoshima says, you cannot create a dinosaur.

Dinosaurs are extinct. This will summon a dino as your pet. You can spawn up to ten. Wait. Wow. Is there no size limit on that? Like ten very... Like ten allosaurs?

Yeah, that's fine. It says, well, you need a paper, pen, and pencil. A rock, optional. Picture the dino you want to spawn, or you can just draw it. A belief. Nice. I'm in. You get your paper. Write down your dino status.

Dino size, how fast it is, its name and its gender. You can put other stuff, too. Or a dinosaur. Can I draw a picture of its wetness? Please don't. You can put other stuff, too. Oh, God, I guess you can't. Can it be half a plane?

You can put other stuff too. Then fold it and then get your pick with the dino on it. Put the paper with the dino status on top of it. Then say this five or three times without the rock. Gods and goddesses, I created the dinosaurs. I want this simple request.

That is to get this dinosaur as my pet the paper on the top is its status the bottom one is what my dino is going to look like so please make the dino appear as so they are in three days so mode it be sorry so mode it me so mode it me so mode it me say this five or three times with the rock on the dino status paper

why is the bigger one first gods and goddesses of the dinosaurs I want you to grant this request to summon me a pet dinosaur. The paper on the bottom is what my dinosaur is going to look like. The paper on the top is the dinosaur status. And the rock on the top is the egg for the dinosaur. So let this baby dinosaur hatch from the egg

instantly or in five days, so mote it be. Mail me your results or questions. This has been WolfHead. Oh, I have so many dinosaurs. Help, how do I get rid of dinosaurs. I have at least up to ten dinosaurs. Thank you. Hey, Kumquat, can you read the response from

TheFailEnash? It's TheFallenAsh. Oh, TheFallenAsh. There we go. Maybe in the future with technology you can get a dinosaur but not currently. Thanks, Michael Grayton. A lot of people have pet parrots and parakeets and stuff. You can get a pet dinosaur right

now if you want to. It's sealed in amber. It's fine. It's not the same. It's an actual pet cassowary. It's not the same. It disembowels you and kills you. It's great. Everybody wants a pet cassowary. Everyone wants a pet cassowary.

Hey, F+, this is the ultimate anthropomorphic animal transformation. Wow. Yeah, the ultimate transformation to become a furry meerkat, arctic wolf, dragon, like anything. You can turn back into a human, but this

isn't a shifter deal. You'll become a furry. And if you kind of hate it, you can turn back into your normal self. Why did I do this? Why did I do this? Your goal in this spell is to tell the beings of the cosmos why you want to be an anthro. They should always get your message, but unless you have a good reason to why you want to quit being 100% human and switch to 50% human. What? You're telling the gods why you want to be a furry,

but I guess you have to make your case or they won't listen to you. I think is what I'm trying to say. But unless you have a good reason why you want to quit being 100% human and switch to 50% human. Yeah, no, that sentence was perfect. Okay, awesome. You won't have gross mites exploding poop on your face if you're reptilian. Stop that, Alfred.

For you? I mean, unless you want. You won't worry about not getting a boy girl if you're canine. You don't, what the fuck? You don't need to fret about your awful voice if you're avian. You get to skip work and school. All you want when you're feline, if you want to be huggable, be a

horse! Oh great, I'm a horse now. Be a horse, ride a cowboy! With so many different choices to choose from, it's almost impossible to choose your future for most people. Yeah, everyone's got a fursona they want to turn into, right? All of you?

Everybody. Everyone else wants that too, right? I hope so. Otherwise, this is going to be a pretty boring convention. And I've got you all here for the week in Columbus, Ohio. That's right. Columbus, Ohio. What the fuck else are you going to do?

It's a convention for selling office supplies and one guy there's like, oh, we can turn this into a free convention whenever we want, right? Anyone else want to be a, no? Anyone want to be an otter or anything? No? Just me?

Oh, you said printer I read panther Oh my god I'm so embarrassed right now Okay, so you're going to need the following items for a spell, and I got my volunteer Boots Rangier here, he's going to help me out with this So you're going to need the following with this. So you're going to need the following things, Boots. You're going to need an idea of what you'd look like.

Okay, I got it. You're going to need lots of awesomeness. That's still Mel Blanc. Wink. All right, great. You're going to need love for your animal. It could be a rabbit or a duck. Great. Okay, a good reason for asking. I don't want rabbit or a duck. Great. Okay. A good reason for asking. I don't want to go to school.

That's good. Alright, now, this is the part where it gets religious. Because here's the other thing you're gonna need. Yeah, you're gonna need belief, but not just any kind of belief. You're gonna need belief in, like, stuff in the cosmos.

Alright. Carl Sagan. Yeah, need belief in, like, stuff in the cosmos. All right. Okay. Stop up there. Carl Sagan. Yeah. Yeah, just belief in stuff. Like star stuff. Yeah, and then finally you're going to need softness of a blanket, but that's optional.

Good, because I don't know what it means. I am the softness of a blanket. Okay. So also, just to mention, Boots, while you're doing the spell, you're going to need to snuggle with the blanket in order to increase the chances of it happening. If you could snuggle. Yeah, just snuggle. Yeah, just snuggle with that.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, just snuggle with that. Yeah, just snuggle with that blanket. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's nice. Okay, good. All right.

All right. So, here we go. So, you're going to plan out your new body in the terms of us furries. That's nice. Okay. Good. Alright. So here we go. So you're going to plan out your new body in the terms of us furries. Whoops! Oh no! I dropped my ruse! We're all furries here, right? And then confirm it with yourself

and then put in... You're going to have to put in the following information. I'm going to use Booth's Rain Gear here as an example. So you're going to have to put in the following information. I'm going to use Boots Reingear here as an example. Okay, so you're going to need to put in your species. Mal Blank. Okay, subspecies? Cartoon voice actor. Great.

What's your hide color? Caucasian. What's your underside hide color? What's Mal Blank's underside hide color? Off Caucasian. Right? Okay. Here, a question for you.

What's your genital color? I think you should read the genital color directly out of the doc here. Yeah, sure. Semi-translucent Arctic icy blue. That is well-planned. That's a good Mel Boyk. Yeah. You nailed it.

Yeah. Egg laying or live birth? Oh, egg layingblank. Oh, that's a good no-blank, yeah. That is well-blank. You nailed it. Yeah. Um, uh, egg-laying or live birth? Oh, egg-laying. Yeah, okay, good, yeah. Good. Your eye color? Well-blank.

Uh, like a beautiful hazel. Okay, and your claw color? Uh, just like normal. What's the length of your claws? Warm? Average? Regular?

Yeah, that's like a quarter inch. Okay. Uh, you cold-blooded or you warm blooded? Warm blooded Feathers? No Tail length? Short

Longer than you'd expect This is a horrible persona I'm learning everything I do have to draw this though I'm learning things about Mel Blanc I never knew Okay you got feathers Wait no sorry Wings do you got feathers? Wait, no, sorry, wings. Do you have wings?

Yes. And your wingspan? Like one inch. Okay, alright, good. Subtle wings. So they just flap really fast and it just kind of rises them into the air sort of thing. Cartoon wings. Okay, and then you got color of hide inside of the wings. Okay, and then

you got color of hide inside of the wings. That's important. Yeah, chartreuse. Okay. You got plates or spikes on the back?

No. Oh, fuck. All right, fine. Oh, sorry, yes. Okay, great. Okay, good, good. That's excellent. Okay, good.

Yes. All right, all right. This is fine. I mean, yes. What's the length of those plates? One inch. Okay, and they got a color? Yeah, they're also semi-translucent.

Arctic icy blue. And the plate range, what the fuck does that mean? Where they start and where they end, it looks like. Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, from... Thanks for the expertise, Portax. I'm glad you're here. Yeah, don looks like. Oh, okay, got it. Yeah, from... Thanks for the expertise, Portax, I'm glad you're here. Yeah, don't worry.

As a wolf tiger dragon. Taint to shoulder. Yeah, through the course of this episode, she's become all animals. Yeah, but no, the plate ranges from taint to shoulder. Okay, and then you got human teeth? No. Good. Absolutely not.

Doesn't specify any other kind of teeth. Good. That's going to make the next activity I have planned much easier. I would love it if they made animal everything else but had human teeth. Oh, God. Stop motion Alice movie. You got a human-shaped tongue? Human tongue shape? No. You mean a tongue shaped like a small human? No, your tongue is definitely shaped like a human-shaped tongue? A human tongue shape? No.

You mean a tongue shaped like a small human? Your tongue is definitely shaped like a human. Both questions, actually, yeah. You got a digitigrade or platitigrade? How do I pronounce that? Digitigrade. Okay, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, it's unguligrade. Okay, great. You're a, it's ungulagrade. Okay, great. You're a satyr. You're a Melbourne satyr. Good. You got sweat?

Lots. Yeah. And your eyebrows, would you describe those as scaly or hairy? Hairy. Okay, okay. It is recommended, by the way, that you wrote that all down. Damn it! You're gonna have to give that to me so I can draw it.

We'll do it. Okay, and then the next step is think. Damn. Okay. Consider. Hmm. Beings of the cosmos, I have a special, crucial message that I need to have granted. My wish is to become an anthropomorphic Mel Blanc.

Finally, a Mel Blanc with the powers of a man. And then I say, the next part of my spell is I say, here is my reference for my new body. Insert the info from step two. See PDF attached.

That's why you never open up commissions. Yeah, you're commissioning a body. Here's my ref sheet. The beings of the cosmos are going to update their profile. Commissions are now closed. With all the colors and little circles on the side. All the slots are filled. I'm sorry.

You know, if someone came to me with this as a commission, I'd be like, oh god, yes. Bring it on. Well, you heard listeners. That's right, if your persona is this... You know where to find her. If your persona is this out of control, I will absolutely... Draw it. My fursona is a fucking mess.

Okay. And then you say, my reason for wanting this is because, insert a good reason. I don't want to go to school. I like that they couldn't come up with an example good reason. It's I don't want to go to school. Yeah. Please make my dream a reality to become an anthro

Mel Blanc. I am listening to this podcast because insert a good reason. Please, please hurry. Please hurry. Hey, Nekoshima's back. Yay! Can somebody be Nintendo fan real quick? Has anyone tried

this yet? I want to be a furry. Hi, I'm Nekoshima, here to kill everybody's fun. You cannot physically transform. Look into astral projection, mental shifting, or making a fur sheet. A bell blank with wings. Yes.

My name's L... The spell works. I have tried it about two weeks ago, and instantly after two days, eight more, and now about five to six days later, I'm not sick, but the whole body starts to get hot, and a couple days before that, I had strong compulsions to pet myself.

Just like Bill Blake. Toast, just take the first sentence response from Nakashima, please For L Oh, yes, for L Instantly after two days You may wish up Look up the definition of instantly Nice

Yeah, yeah, yeah Ice burn Perfect Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ice burn. Perfect. Imagine just being somebody's wrong on the internet on this fucking site for years. It's so good. I'm NovaBoy24. You guys are crazy. Well, I'm one wolf out of three.

We belive. I'm user 583165. No, no, you are human, one wolf out of three. And that is all you will ever be. You will never transform into any animal or anything to be exact. Wow, that was exact. Well, there's Sadashi. or anything to be exact.

Wow, that was exact. Well, there's Tadashi. Tadashi says the people speaking sense and teaching people how real McGick works are the crazy ones? You mean the people who believe they can transform? I do not think they are crazy, simply misguided and unaware. I like that Nekoshima keeps insisting

that people are going to be gagged and muted. There clearly is a lot of moderation happening on this website. We're out of control on this. We're drunk with power. Yeah, think about the spells that didn't make it through. If you can find the website of the spells that didn't make it through, please send them to us. I would absolutely love it. L-E-M-O-N-T-H-E-F-B-L dot U-S.

All right, last one. I think Toast, if you'll take this one here. All right. I will cap us off. I am Alpha underscore Foster, and I will tell you about the circles. Dragon spell should work. Is that a petition.com?

We demand it works God damn it Joe Biden This spell is made from the circle It may be similar to others who made the spell But we are the owners of the spell You will need the following items for the spell Just simply chant the spell three times. Let me have the scales of a dragon. Let me transform

into a dragon any time I want. Let me have control in my dragon form. Let me be a creature I want to be. So what it be? So what it be? The spell should work instantly after chanting three times. If not, allow up to three days. Shipping and handling required. Some

people will get side effects, And they are headaches, nausea Mild to moderate, growing claws, back aches If dragon form has wings and toothaches I have some notes here Oh, give me some notes Okay Note one, believe Imagine you turning into the dragon you want

To turn back into a human Imagine yourself in human form And claw the ground three times in a row To turn into a dragon you want. To turn back into a human, imagine yourself in human form and claw the ground three times in a row. To turn into a dragon again, picture your dragon form and chant I shall turn into the dragon I was before. And these spells are easy. Yeah.

And finally, we have Nekoshima. With the last word. You cannot become a dragon. What? Boo! Boo! Tadashi's backing her up like a little...

A year later, Tadashi's just chiming in. Yeah, get him, boss! Almost exactly a year later. Yeah. Yeah. You cannot physically transform into a dragon. What did we learn from this website, Fplus? I learned something very important. Okay, great.

So, as you know, I cast a spell to open a hell gate. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Yep. Yeah. And according to my research, one of the only things that prevents it from working is it won't work on holy ground. So I have learned that my computer room is holy ground because that's the only reason I can imagine that this boat would work.

Yeah, that's useful. That's true. Wait, you didn't try to open a hell gate in the place where you were, did you? Or in the place that you were doing it Right I need to make a pilgrimage then Over to your place

Yeah, yeah Certified, sanctified holy ground Hey ladies, would you like to see the holy ground? God, I just I absolutely love, love, love Nekoshima. And I just love the thing, it was just like, you can't turn into a dragon from a movie. You can't astrally become an actual dragon, but you can't turn into a dragon from a movie. We gotta be very clear about that.

Yeah, like, if it's all fake, so you might as well just shoot for the top. You might as well just do whatever you want, right? Yeah. Shoot for the top. You might as well just do whatever you want, right? Well, but I think that that's exactly... I feel like that's exactly what Tadashi and Nikoshima are opposed to, is that they do believe

in some of this bullshit. So they're like, come on, you're making us look bad! Now we look silly. Now people won't buy our $17 Get Rich Fl flakes or whatever. God, it just,

it gives me such memories to back when I was like, back when I was super conservative Christian and going to churches. And it was just like the, like the discussions you would have at these like Midwestern churches were just like, Oh, they believe that you have to take communion every Sunday to save your soul. That's ridiculous.

We still take communion every Sunday, and we think it's important, and we think you shouldn't miss it. But we don't think it saves your soul, so that's different. It's just like at a certain point, it's just like, like you said, it's all fucking made up, so why not just... It's really easy to do magic. You just scream, I want this. And then it happens. Yeah. Yeah.

But you get to put whatever terpsichore around it that you enjoy. As much sort of pomp and circumstance just to be like, and also, ladies like my dick. So the ladies like my dick. Activate. So motivate. Yeah, I noticed that if you go to the homepage, there's actually a page. I was just on it,

but there's a page where you can just get a feed of activity. Yeah, so there's a, like, there's a discussion tab, and if you click discussion, then you get to see like, a time log of every single time that Tadashi and Nakajima have his time.

Yeah, fantastic. Like, over and over and over again. With time stamps. Oh, God. Oh, I love it. Oh, I forgot there was this one fight on, like, Summon the Wind spell where Hidashi is like,

you cannot control the wind with a song. And the girl goes, do you personally hate me or something? Hidashi's like, I do not hate anyone. I don't know you. And then the girl goes, I can tell you hate me a lot. And then it just goes back and forth. I think some of the people

on this website have emotional problems. What? I learned what Boots' fursona is. Oh, yeah. I learned that I'm starting to draw it and I'm sure by tomorrow yeah i would not have i would not have called mel blank that made me it makes sense in retrospect it's just it's it's always been a dream of mine no yeah i understand i understand mel blank with

this with a small tail and tiny wings he always looked happy like every photo it was like that guy that guy seems to be a happy guy. And I bet he didn't work much. The YouTube algorithm like the other day recommended a video of just, it was like 20 minutes of him screaming at the top of his lungs. Hell yeah. That was his job.

He was like, oh, I gotta go to work for 45 minutes, yelled, and then went home. It's great. That's what I do on this podcast. The face is slightly different though. And if you want to spend every day yelling, you should go to Ball Pit.

Our website is always thefpl.us I have been talking to some of you have reached out about drawing stuff for merch, which is great. Keep talking to me about that. Because making stupid drawings and printing stupid drawings

is fun, and I like to do it. You like to draw stupid things, Vortex. I do. I'm drawing stupid stuff right now. Melblike looks so happy flying with his tiny wings. Oh, yeah. I'm excited about this drawing. Alright, bye-bye.

Bye. Kill him already Kill him Fucking kill him Kill him Fucking kill him already Kill him Kill him Fucking kill him Kill him Just fucking kill him

Kill him already Kill him already Kill him So motivated