The F Plus - 406: We Found The Stupid Questions!

Episode Date: August 10, 2024

The subreddit of r/morbidquestions is (I suppose) meant to ask and answer thought-provoking yet dark questions. However, this is a subreddit, so therefore most of the questions are stupid edgelord nonsense, and the replies are banal upvote jockeying. But there's a lot of posts, so we've got plenty to work with. This episode, The F Plus wants to know: Is Christmas Carol a good porn name?

Take my life like a killer in the night. Dangerous eyes cut through me like a knife. Left to bleed, was I always meant to be? A victim in your crime scene. Well, hi! This is the f plus podcast terrible things read with enthusiasm and today we have boots rain gear what if i held a lighter up to my eye for three mississippis poor tex what would happen if i called a grumpy old man a grumpy future dead man? Dijon du jour!

If someone stepped in a puddle of piss barefoot and didn't clean it off, how long would they have to live? We've got K-Thor Jensen! If having sex with an animal is bestiality and deemed inherently wrong, is the opposite true? If you have sex with a life form superior

to human, would that be a good and desirable thing? What? And lemon. I watch scat porn when I'm constipated. Is that acceptable? No, unacceptable. Not acceptable. Hey, F+.

Oh, hi, Laban. Hi. Hey, I have a question for you. Do you people have answers usually not no yahoo answers is gone oh damn that was an answer shit okay can we start over again the riddles of sphinxx killed us all. As to answer your question, I say, why? There you go. That's nice. That's nice.

Yeah, I have been searching this internet for answers. And I don't find answers. I find only questions. Specifically, I find morbid questions on Reddit. Nice. So just any question on Reddit, by definition. Well, sometimes Reddit will have depressing questions or stupid questions or asinine questions or just generally racist questions. Writing this down?

Exactly. Or asinine questions. Or just, you know, generally racist questions. Writing this down. Exactly, exactly. But this time specifically, we're going to be, I mean, for sure, seeing all of those. While we're going to r slash morbid questions. r slash morbid questions has 283,000 members. 29 are online right now. Basically, right up there at the top, most recent post,

what parts to not eat in a human body and why. Show your work, please. Right. I don't want to think CatGBT wrote this. You have to tell me exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is yet another document given to us by Vampire Software. And thank you so very much, Vampire Software, for this. But actually, to this, I mean, recognizing that it's like, we know what Reddit is. We know what questions are. We know what morbidity is. But I think we still need an introduction, right? So, like, so I need an introduction. Boots, can you please give me the

section in this document titled introduction okay yes please so this is a post by by jesus christ underscore jesus christ jesus christ Hi, I'm JesusChristUnderscore Okay Why do specifically pigs infuriate me? Okay, adding specifically pigs to the band name list Why do I hate pigs so much? For real I get very mad when I see a pig in the internet well i will get extreme thought

about killing pigs or physically hurting them whenever i see a video that includes a pig the physical appearance of the pig the sound the acting is a package that genuinely makes me extremely angry but why does it is it just domesticated pigs are like like would a barbarusa piss you off or would it just like mildly annoy you we got to get this guy in with a 30 to 50 feral hogs oh yeah that is a good point uh can can somebody take the post from bb dumpling uh probably yeah yeah yeah i got youcha. Uh, I thought you were talking about cops and understood, but no. Uh,

not sure. Maybe you had a traumatic incident with a pig as a child? No, this is very annoying to me for some reason. How old are you, may I ask? I've disappeared. Okay, I got up so we both got what we want. It was a ghost the whole time.

You click on the account, it just says, the account has been suspended. Aw, Pig moderated the forum. Damn Pig moderators. This user was banned for being a wolf. I kind of like, I don't know if this is just a thing that happened

from Jesus Christ Underscore getting banned, but the actual avatar is like the Reddit, like, alien like, turning his back to you, like, Klingon. Oh, come back! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! No! Let us never talk of this subreddit again!

Please! Please! You reach out and the door closes behind. It's the worst day of my life. Okay. Okay. So you actually, I was mentioning that I'm looking for answers and you've got answers actually. So Portex, you are the user named WeLoveToParty.

Ooh. WeLoveToParty. Yeah. WeLoveToParty. Yeah, YouLoveToParty. Dijon, you're Bomba1749, and Kthar, you're SpineGrinder666. But to all of you, I have a very simple question. What would happen if you punched someone in the butt at light speed? No tactic. That's all.

It speaks for itself, really. Yeah. I'm Spine Grinder 666. They'd die, and everything around would explode. Fair enough. I'm Wheel of Tupartee! And I think that person's gonna go, Yowch!

FPP! FBP FBP I hope this person has like cartoon responses to everything ouch aww he's not gonna be in the sequel hate when that happens that's gotta hurt ha cha cha ha cha cha cha cha

da da da da da and now to slip on a banana peel heard. Achacha. Achachachacha. Da-da-da-da-da-da. And now to slip on a banana peel and fly away. Alright, well, I won't let you know that you are a brownie. Whoops, nope, sorry. Um, uh, yeah, so that was

the section that Vampire Software put in here called butts. The only other question was, can you superglue a butthole shut? The question should be, may I superglue a butthole shut? I'm sure Eli Roth would answer that question. Absolutely. I'm sure Eli Roth would answer that question Absolutely So I think the The next thing that we're going to do here Is this section called Conspiracy theories and the paranormal

So K-Thor Do you have a question about Coca-Cola? My name is Flowery Bed. My question is, why does Coca-Cola quench my thirst despite it containing no water at all? Um. Hmm. Does it contain. No, you're right.

You're right. Actually, it's all Coca-Cola in the can. Like, there's no. There's not Coca-Cola and water. It's just Coca-Cola in the can. There's not Coca-Cola and water. It's just Coca-Cola. Does it contain some weird synthetic chemical that mimics water that could cause cancer or something? Coca-Cola contains nothing fake. It's all natural.

Wow, you're a dumbass. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's an explanation. How I came to my conclusion that cola contains no water. A woman named Katie Dell in the news was deathly allergic to water, as in H2O in itself. If she drank or... Those are the bodies made up of? Sure.

I'd have to look into that. It doesn't seem like it makes any sense. To Wikipedia with me. She's silicone-based. It's fine. I'm not a waterologist, so I don't know. I think In The News is doing some heavy lifting here. If she drank or ingested water, even just a tiny sip, she'd go into shock and be at risk of

death due to an allergic reaction. However, she found that diet Coca-Cola did her no harm, and she lives off of drinking it instead of water. You know what? I have also been sick and watched TLC

for six hours straight. Yeah, no, I know what Picky Eaters is, absolutely. So, cola doesn't contain water, or that woman would be dead. It's like saying you're allergic to peanuts, but can eat a

Snickers bar. Yeah! So, it's not water, or H2O that is quenching my thirst. What is then? Is it part of the secret ingredients Cola sometimes talks about? My name's Lord Darth, Darth Thra,

Lord Darth Thra. My girlfriend has reactions to water. Maybe not pure water, but she develops weird red blotches on her skin after a shower. She can drink it, though, so I don't know. Well, I mean, if the water's too hot, is that possible? Nope. No. She knows

the water. My girlfriend. Okay. Okay. Very next one down. Dijon, can you take that one, please? Hi. I'm Nye D. Avatari.

If I can talk to ghosts, would they want me sexually? Wow. Must be quite the talker. Dan Aykroyd. That's his question. You know what? I don't think that ghost was much into conversation. Nope. That's a lot of work getting to talk to him, but if I talk to him, is it automatically sexy time?

That's just what I want to know. Now, are we talking sheet ghosts? Are we talking, like... Like, what kind of ghosts are we talking about? I mean, it depends on your kink, really. I just like the sheet ghost show. I mean, you know, I gotta say, like, when you saw Marley, like, show up. It's like, hey, hey, hey! Gonna rattle my chains!

You will be visited by I Don't Need Them. Three ghosts, you say? Alright. I bought a Ouija board a while ago. I kind of just like it as a decoration and to sleep next to it. I cuddle it. However,

I was curious to see if I could use it to talk with the dead. And then I thought, could I sex with them? Could I? Is that how you talk with them? So you're just using the Ouija board and texting you up? ASL.

The planchette just goes to dot, dot, dot, and then stops. I have unfinished business on Earth. Dot, dot. No, it's moving away now. Now it's just blank. I have unfinished business on Earth. I never had sex with a loser. Only you can help me.

It's weird. Like the whole Ouija board, it's got like the alphabet. It's got the numbers. And then it's just got one thing that says feet pics question mark. They should have stopped putting those hashtags on Ouija boards. Oh my god! I was just going to say, K-Thur just found a Christmas Carol porno on X-Hamster. Saving that?

Or is that just the movie Christmas Carol? Oh, no. Saving that. Yeah. Or is that just the movie Christmas Carol? It's just the regular Christmas Carol. Oh, even better. All right. But watchable on XHamster. Thank you. I watched the whole thing, and when does Christmas Carol show up?

I watched that whole thing. It's just this old guy. Christmas Carol is a very bad porn name. Fair. That's fair. Yeah, they would have to spell it slowly, but that would be interesting. Oh, that's my favorite word on the internet. Interesting to think about.

But if I could get in contact with them, whether a scrying mirror or a Ouija board, etc., I feel they would want me sexually because they haven't been touched in a long time. Oh god, oh god, this is turning into a Woody Allen movie. They can't be touched, their hand goes right through. Listen, I've been experimenting, and my current hypothesis is that if a woman doesn't

have sex for 200 years, her standards will be low enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it, player. Why would the ghost not be having sex with each other? The other thing is, if you're using a Ouija board,

you're subconsciously sexting yourself. So you're like double masturbating. That's really impressive. Well, like, the ghost wouldn't be fucking each other because, you know, fucking a ghost is a fetish, and obviously the ghosts aren't going to have that fetish. It's a ghost asking,

is it weird for me to have sex with other ghosts? So vanilla. And, Dijon, if you'll finish it up with the more questions section as well in here In the conspiracy theories More questions

Is witchcraft actually real? I mean yeah they made several of them In a similar vein Is there a federal medical databasing System of trauma triggers for individuals Something great in a specific fashion for how close something is to a core memory or subconscious memory? What? What does that

What does that What does that mean? What is I don't understand Explain again I have a question for your question What are you talking about? I got a reply from Reverend Bull here.

Okay. I highly doubt the government is indexing trigger warnings on social media and indexing by individual. Even if they were, siloing among federal agencies wouldn't allow enough coalition of watched individuals to form a singular trigger warning database. And now you've got a reply. Okay. No. No, man. database and now you've got a reply okay um no no man first i'm talking federal storage data systems pre-911 as things like ceramics and glass or storage systems for tech what what oh never mind i'm less confused now

this person has an incredible mind this is what happens when jojo's guys go to other forums. I store everything on those crystals they used in Babylon 5. I just have a solid ceramic phone case. Second, though, I was at the health department a few days ago, and they kept pushing to download an app that is connected to medical filing. I said that was a terrible idea, given cell phone theft and jailbreaking tech, and has a direct link to your medical records. What does that have to do with my question?

Guess. You're made of lava. I don't know. Exactly. you you you're made of lava i don't know exactly what if someone steals my phone and finds that out you have pillows for fingers i don't know we don't have to make you don't make sense why should i have to uh hey booths uh i just uh posted one here uh Do you think you can ask this question to us all, please? Yeah, I would love to ask this question. Okay. My name is

Arcticos02. Arcticos02. Is it possible to die from masturbation? I feel so worried about asking this, but let's just say a guy was hooked up to a masturbation machine hypothetically so if we just kept doing this for like ever would they eventually die yeah yeah eventually is a big word so obviously they would die from dehydration or lack of food. So the whole

dehydration and food thing would be taken care of. Also like machine maintenance. Just by giving them the nutrients they need. This is a promo post for Soylent, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Sucks the liquid out of one and shoots it into the other. Don't focus on the food part. I just want to know if it's possible to die from masturbation. My name's Physius. I'll let you know, bro. Remind me in one day. I'm in.

Taking him for the team. He's a scientist! What if that was that guy's last Reddit post? Last seen ten years ago. It would be a good tombstone. Actually, yeah, I kind of like, like, just as an epitaph, I'll let you know. Hey, Portax. Yeah?

So you've been spending the however many minutes it's been on this recording just sort of, like, looking through r slash morbid questions. I sure have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What threads have you, give me, like looking through r slash morbid questions. I sure have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What threads have you, give me a thread that you found. Sure, okay, just randomly. Randomly, the latest one I found was this one. Okay, great. What would happen if chickens gained human sapience at this exact moment?

Like right now,, right now! Well, I think at that point, Q would show up and try humanity. I think it would turn out Jack Handy is God. Wow. You see, kids. You see, kids. Jack Handy is the servant of life. Wow. You see, kids. You see, kids. It used to be funny for about ten seconds an episode.

It's supposed to be zero seconds. Yeah, there's a few others. What dictatorship is actually nice to live in? There's text to the chicken one. It is common knowledge that chickens are super smart and have feelings. But that doesn't stop factory farms from... About that. Hey, about that.

About that. So the about that. About that. So the reason why we've been breeding this particular animal for food is because of their general intellect. Call on Super Chicken. But that doesn't stop factory farms from straight up abusing them. What would happen if out of nowhere they became

sapient and could speak? Would we still eat them? See, this isn't the jacked-handy bit. Would they still be considered inferior, and as such, would chicken slavery replace human slavery? Or would humans apologize and repair what they've done to chickens through all the years? Oh, fuck, bro. My god. Reparations for chickens. Who is the chicken Malcolm X?

I mean, it would be interesting to walk into, like, you know, the farmer going in to feed the chickens. They're all just like, hey, hey, hey, what's going on? Hey, what's been happening the whole time? Or every morning, all the roosters are like, get off! I'm here and want to have sex with other chickens. Other male chickens make me angry. I'm here and want to have sex with other chickens. Other male chickens make me angry. Boots, what did you find right now at this moment?

Yeah, yeah. Hey, my name is Schwennomorth. Okay. If I wanted to strangle a giraffe to death somehow. Well, all right. You need some much bigger hands, I would feel. A giraffe would be the Glass Joe of the strangling game.

Definitely the practice level. Strangle Man, 84. Would there be an optimal place on its neck to grab, or would there be an optimal place on its neck to grab or would it be all the same throughout the neck i have an answer for that from sudden grab 2800 sudden grab okay in theory it'd be the same along the neck, provided you didn't happen upon a valve. What? Or a C-clamp. You'd have to really put some mustard on that garrot to cut off circulation there. Footnote.

Based on nothing more substantial than my own uneducated guess. Perfect. Wow. Wow. No shit. That should be required in every Reddit comment. Oh my god!

Oh my god! I don't know what that means. Dijon, we'll get to you in just a moment, but Portex found something. Who wants to read this? You do! I do want to read this? You do! Me do! I do want to read this!

Here's my question. Everyone ready for my question? Yep. I'm InstructionSudden285, and would it hurt to have sex with fuckbears? No. Fuckbears are generous and gentle. Fuckbears is all capital letters isn't that accurate

fuck bears and then Shrek's shriveled penis asks what's a fuck bear the most upvoted comment is what's a fuck bear okay now then Dijon voted comment is, what's a fuckbear? Okay, now then, Dijon,

you had something about chickens. Yeah, I had a not a follow-up question, but related. So we know that a chicken egg gets fertilized while stealing the chicken. Is it possible to crack the egg open and then fertilize it yourself? Or would that not work? Also... Would not work also would not work

have you tried it would make it a crossbreed between a chicken and a dog be possible since they both have 78 great so now we've jumped from Santa live to kids in the hall that's super in related uh in a related thing thing is how we're in the uh in the i guess the animal sex category accidentally um kathar what did you find there yeah my account's been deleted but my question is what would your shit look like if your diet consisted only of horse semen? One liter a day for three days? The answer would be horse semen. Would there be any solids

in it? Like maybe an accumulation of dead sperm cells creating a visible mass or a lump that you can shit out? Or would you just piss and maybe shit some water or liquid waste? Wow. Wow. I've got a related question.

What's your related question? Hi, my name is Troubleshoot04. Hey, how come this one's tagged NSFW? And also, how come the previous one wasn't? Anyway, my name is Trou 04 all right is there any animal out there that humans can successfully impregnate i understand that most genomes will be too vastly different from each other to successfully start harboring life, but I wonder if there is any exceptions. Okay, so this is going to sound silly,

but there's a lot of them at the deepest trenches of the ocean. If you could just go there. You could have your bill just over there. Just get down there. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. I promise you, so many mermaids.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And as long as you're horny enough, it'll be fine. Yeah, it's fine. Let your boner drive the little controller. All the summer. Hey, F Plus? Mm-hmm. Yeah? My name's lowercase X, capital X, Avista, capital X, lowercase x.

Yeah, I get horny when I hear my parents fight. Yeah. Is this considered incest? Whatever makes you walk away from me uh like I have a follow up question I do love follow up questions okay okay thank you appreciate it I'm just gonna hold I'm gonna literally

hold you by the arm oh yeah that's great oh you have such a tight grip too I sure do I sure do I'm sorry is there a bot on Reddit that just bans every use of the posts in this forum? Every user I clicked on says

this account is banned. You get one shot, buddy. Make it count. Make it count. Yeah, so my follow-up question is I get horny when I hear my parents fight Is this considered incest?

Uh-huh Oh, man I have somewhere I need to be Yeah, yeah, let's go there together Uh-huh No, but let's say yes My parents don't fight often But when they do

It makes me so horny I let the cum drip out as I listen to them yelling. And no, I'm not sexually attracted to my parents. Obviously not. No, no, that's not true. Every time they yell, it sends me into a sexual frenzy, and it gets stronger whenever I get involved. Wait, what? What does that mean? So that makes me attractive to their degrading words and not the people saying them.

I'm not fucked up. You're fucked up. You dumb idiot. Hey, I have a different question. Okay, what's that? So my name is... Okay, great. Can you kill a grown man by using a toddler's corpse as a club?

Oh. Great. Oh, yeah, I can do that. Sure, yeah, okay. I got a 2024 dead baby joke. Good job. I saw a couple of ancient vases depicting Achilles' son killing the king of Troy by using a dead toddler as a sort of club. I wonder, is that possible?

Are toddlers' bodies strong enough to fatally wound a man? Actually, I agree with Rannit for once, which is the most upvoted is, if you put the toddler in the freezer for a couple days first. Hey, it would be difficult to like... Baby jokes, just live it on. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That eliminates the element of surprise, though, right? Someone's like, hey, why are you hauling the baby to the toddler?

Well, yeah, that's how it would be. It would be first degree murder, then, because it would be premeditated. He didn't just find a baby. He prepared the baby. So you just, like, you know, creep upon your, I don't know, your cheating husband or something, like, hey, sweetie. Okay. So. I gotta ask.

What's the deal with the frozen toddler? Kthor, what'd you got there? My account has also been deleted. What? Why? Why? What did you do to get banned? Here's my question. That's working again. Can a person of ordinary strength rip a newborn's arms off?

Not out of socket, but totally off. And then if you freeze them, you can make little nunchucks out of them. You don't need the whole toddler. That's great. Hey, so I know that there's some of those what do you want to say?

Life's great mystery kind of questions, right? It's one of those things where sometimes the fun with a question is not to figure out the answer because there is no answer, but like the process of, yeah,

exactly. Like, like thinking about the question, even though there is no answer to this question, you know, it's the process, right? Yeah.

So like, like a question, like what would happen if you tried to vape mustard gas? Sure. Yeah, exactly. Okay. I don't think there might be yeah so to so to that end uh here's a question without an answer um how do i get my bed to smell normal again when i've masturbated in it so many times my sheets smell of sweat and other bodily fluids. That's not mortis! So, yeah, it's just not one of those that, like, you can't... you don't know, right?

But I have more context. I have more context, actually, which is... Yeah, yeah, I'm melodic contribution. My sheets are stained yellow, and my pillows... Oh, God, my poor pillows got the brunt of it. Wait, how? Their body pillows?

How do you sleep on your bed? Obviously, I'm folded in half and my dick's on the pillow. My dirty pillows. Good lord. Yeah, so it's gotten worse since November.

I've spent all of No Nut November masturbating to photos of nerdy men and their thighs. Okay, well, like... As well as writing stories about thigh strangulations. So did this No Nut November underflow? It's just all Nut November? Yep. No.

This is a person who does not play by the rules. Including the laundry rules. I'll show you no not November. What are your thoughts on Super Jail, my dude? Related, Boots, would you take the very next one here in the document? It starts with the word fuck

in exclamation point. My name is Yishun Gao. Fuck! What's the best way to remove cum drip from my bedroom carpet? That's not Barbara.

I want to do my hypotheticals. I've cummed all over my house, now what do? I think cum drip is a new light beast line. More cum isn't fixing it. What else can I try? Do you mind washing that cum off a little cum? It's probably work.

I normally ejaculate into a shopping bag, scratch that plastic grocery bag. That's so disgusting. That's not a very earth-first way to go. Does it use the same one or different? While having my cock wrapped around. Wait, hold on. Yep.

Yes. What is your cock wrapped around, sir? Okay. It's not the other way around. Nope. My cock is wrapped around a paper towel. Oh, man, bitty. To guarantee more, scratch that.

No spills. Stretch Armstrong. No spills. Fuck. Whatever. When I need to shower, I forcibly motivate myself to shower just by coming into my boxer shorts. What? That's so disgusting.

While getting out of bed and getting ready to go shower, a single drop of cum fell off the boxer's fabric or my legs and hit the carpet next to my bed. Right. Good for you. I had no time to clean it after a shower because I had to get to class. And I won't be back till after nightfall. Will that give enough time for the cum drip to be permanently set into the carpet? Whoa. It's become like a carpet commercial.

Will it make a baby? Yes, it just fertilizes the dust by me. I wouldn't be sure what would be a pretty effective way to clean the cum off the carpet anyway. That's why I had to ask you. The internet. The internet. Dear internet, give me cleaning

solutions. My name is 64 Kitchen Sinks. This isn't morbid. Yeah, see? I'm with them. You know what? I'm Kiryu Otoken. You know what my question is?

What's that? How many rubber bands would it take to crush a human skull? I'm up to two thousand. Okay, all right, all right. Look forward to your picture in the Guinness Book of World Records. Fucking crunch. You know what? I'm a different person. I'm Kirby Main, and I want to know what would happen if someone accidentally vacuumed their eye with a vacuum cleaner.

Accidentally? What were you doing up there? I'm a perfect. Hold on. Sorry. I want to go back to this masturbating man. Okay. Because he goes on to explain his process, and it makes even less sense now.

Back, back to the masturbating man, where it all began. Because I fap through my boxer shorts, I hold the fabric of the boxers I'm wearing, not the paper towel itself, so the paper towel can slip if I don't also wrap the shopping bag around the paper towel and cock my guys they're building a seven layer burrito in here this is terrible is there a eula when you sign up for a reddit account that like you have to agree that like i have a complicated masturbation ritual i mean that's they? I mean, that's... They don't let you in, yeah, if you don't... That's the captcha, actually.

Explain every step of your way to prove you're not a robot. Masturbating should take five minutes. That's your secret question? Like, for your fake account? What's your masturbation ritual if they can't recite it from memory?

Did someone steal in your account? And then, actually, from this section, we've been jumping around a whole lot. Vampire Software gave us some stuff, but we have some other stuff that we keep finding along the way. But in this section, this section, sexuality section, K-Thor, can you just take some of these questions here in that section? Of course. Do people in dirty third world countries masturbate? It's

still Reddit. We were having too much fun. It's still Reddit. Can homosexuality be toned down? Guys! Guys! Okay. So you're on Reddit and you saw all homosexuality be toned down? Guys! Guys! Okay! So you're on Reddit, you saw all this stuff

and was like, wow, those people in third world countries without red hair. Hey, people are trying to be straight down here! Sometimes when I visit Jim, the strong guys are sometimes naked in the changing room and shower. What would happen if I touched some of the strong guy's penis?

I mean, good thing. I mean, did he allow you to? In that case, you're fine? Just, but he's touching some of the strong guy's penis, just one by one. Oh, maybe he's, like, upset that he... He's ducked out goosing them.

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Oh, maybe he's like upset that he's duck duck goosing them. I'm just imagining it's like Tinkerbell. Just with the magic. Duck duck gray duck. It's duck duck goose. How dare you? Oh, boy. Not that one. Please no.

Why does some drug addicts masturbate in public instead of violently attacking and assaulting other people? Oh. Alright. Get us together, drug addicts. I just... Sorry, I'm back on this. I love the idea of someone going to Reddit and being like,

all those people off of Reddit, those are the gross weirdos. Like, you're surrounded by them. You don't have to make up a homeless weirdo. You're your own weirdo. I have a question. My name's Grokey. I have a question. My name's Grokey.

Yeah, so my question for you is, what does female pee smell like? Does it smell better than male pee? Oh, my God. I mean, yes, but we don't have to ask questions about it, right? And then in the comments, Deleted asks, is this some kind of fetish?

And Grokey answers, I guess it is. Good for you, buddy. I'll make a post on Today I Learned. Oh, huh. Now I can move on with my life. You know what? I think it might be.

Thanks. Okay, so, Portax, you found something over there, right? I found a thing. Yeah, and what'd you find? If I was a warlock who murdered the same person multiple times, would I be a serial killer? Think about it. Well, that's all right. All right.

Yeah. Can you explain that further? Can I explain that further? I sure can. Let's just say, for the sake of argument, now don't get any weird ideas here. Let's just say I'm a warlock. All right? Yeah. And that is Davey?

Yeah, you're a warlock. That is is davy davy with necromancy and with necromancy sure why not the disney channel wizards of waverly place meet davy and for fun let's say for fun I decide to kidnap a random person Of the street And take them back to my secret lair A person of the street And take them back to my secret lair

After this, I murder them While this may seem straightforward Remember, I am a necromancer And thus being the person You're Davey with necromancer I'm Davey the necromancer. You're Davey with necromancer. I'm Davey the necromancer, and thus being the person back to life only to kill them once again.

Let's say. I do this 13 times. After the 13th slayings, there are two options. I leave the person dead once and for all, or B, revive the poor sucker and set them free, never to interact with them again.

Okay? Given this hypothetical situation, am I a serial killer? Does my status as a potential serial killer change between options A and B? Too long, didn't read. If I'm a warlock who kills someone and brings them back to life and does multiple times, am I a serial killer? And the general consensus is, nah, I guess not. No, no, it seems like not. It seems like not.

Boots, you found a very quick one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My name is BeneficialGoal3649. Yep. I'm 16. Is that bad? Yep. Terrible. It doesn't last long, don't worry

about it. Okay. Okay, thank you Bye And then Kthar, Kthar, what'd you get there? Yeah My username is MyPenisRapedMe Whoa Whoa

Whoa Wow Surprisingly this user has not been banned. What the fuck? Here's our question. It's Reddit. When I was a kid, I hit my head so hard I tasted a flavor. Is there an explanation for my brain damage-induced flavor?

Yes, a traumatic flavor. You have brain damage to you. Okay. Good to know. Basically. You know the part that you hit? An important part, D. Okay. Good deal. Basically. You know the part that you hit? An important part, it turns out. Basically, I crammed my body into a long, skinny box.

I somehow ended up in a position where I was standing helpless, with barely any foot room to walk, and arms glued by my sides. With only my head sticking out, my friend decided to kick the box over. I fell directly backwards on a very steep driveway, which added some extra force to the fall. My head smacked that cement so fucking hard. The first thing I noticed was a bizarre taste in my mouth, unlike anything I ever tasted. You sure it wasn't blood? Yeah, that's what I was

thinking. It might have just been blood. The closest... The closest thing I can describe the taste to is wet cement, pennies, and something else. Something... Pennies! Something else being the part I can't

describe, but this was the most distinct part of the taste. Otherwise, afterwards I flashed in and out of consciousness while getting rushed to the hospital. Get this, I hit my head so hard I forgot what people looked like. Not specific people, but fucking people. I recall this most vividly. I remember seeing these bald, gangly creatures all around me, and my brain couldn't make the connection on what the hell these things were. I couldn't tell if they were people, as I couldn't remember what people looked like.

My mom told me years later that she also recalled me freaking out asking questions like, what do people look like? What do people look like? Whilst I was being rushed to the ER and being told not to go to sleep. Yes, I have permanent brain damage. Yes, yes, you have permanent brain damage. My penis raped me. Edit. I should have given more context.

This is my bad. I definitely didn't taste blood. I wasn't bleeding within my mouth, throat, or tongue. Also, the taste didn't linger. I had nothing in my mouth, and the flavor tongue. Also, the taste didn't linger. I had nothing in my mouth, and the flavor lasted ten seconds at the most. It gradually subsided with the first few seconds being the most

potent tasting. Okay, thanks. Thanks for the info. Dijon, you had two quick ones there you found. Yeah, first of all, I'd like to ask, um, if someone cuts off his penis, will blood just gush out when he gets aroused? Uh, second of all, uh, anyone else have chunky pad ashes?

That's my name! Chunky pad ashes, I'm service. Chunky Pet Ashes. At your service. Chunky Pet Ashes. Yeah, you have to go to the co-op, but you get the Chunky Pet Ashes. Makes a much better sandwich. The vortex? Uh-huh.

Please read that. Yeah, so I have a question. Does anyone know the answer? Is death by electrocution caused by spilling ramen on your laptop and then tripping on the laptop wire realistic? Yeah, I read about that. I was reading a novel where this happened to a character

and was struck by how bizarre it was. I didn't think that it would be enough to electrocute somebody in real life. Even if the person came into contact with the ramen liquid, whatever it's called. The ramen liquid, whatever it's called. Ramen liquid. But I'm not 100% sure. Okay, so, poor Tex.

This next section here in the document is called Hello, Old Friend. And in this document, we've got uh two different posts by super nerd boy uh and if you'll take both of them please all right let's super nerd boy super nerd boy all one word super Nerd boy. Yeah. Okay.

How do you think the girlfriend of the boy who got strangled to death by nerds in his car feels? Yeah! Nerd thighs and lives! Okay. How do you think there's going to be some news story about where this this apparently happened I don't think the girlfriend feels Oh well who cares Can you describe in detail the gruesome details Of a person being strangled to death by the skinny thighs of a nerd

Slowly please Just all the details Describe in detail The gruesome details That's always the sure sign that you're like So horny that you can't think. Where you start repeating the same word like six times and the same thing. Okay, so between the two questions, this guy clearly looks up strangulation murders in the news.

Presumably to masturbate to. I think this is a user we've seen before, but this is the super jail Absolutely, yeah. Like Dean. What's the person? The warden.

It's the super jail warden. Yeah, yeah. If you go to the store at nobodysweetheart.com, you can get a different design for the nerd thighs and lives. As well as the tank top that the intern drew. Okay. This one's really pretty short, but it's a question from me. My name's Yes Eat.

And a question for you, morbid questions. Is my mom gay? Yeah. I hope not. Maybe. I hope not. Probably. In that case, April. Hey, my name's Rectal Juice. Yeah I hope not Maybe I hope not Probably In that case

Hey my name's Rectal Juice Okay Sure Yeah Is it weird to poop In my cat's litter box Fuck

Fuck Well it's kind of Your litter box At that point Sometimes I'm lazy Yeah you did claim That shit Absolutely

Law of the jungle baby Cat's not really Going to be using it At that point Claim that shit, absolutely. Law of the jungle, baby. Cat's not really going to be using it at that point. Survival of the fittest. Sometimes I'm lazy and I don't feel like walking downstairs to the bathroom and I poop in the cat's litter box. Jesus. Okay, well, you know, it's not like a trade-offoff It's like the cat cleans it up if you go in there Like, you're the one still cleaning it

The cat's not your roommate No, I turn around and I kick all the litter on top of it Oh, right, obviously I drag my tail through it, too Actually, since you're already in the section boots If you'll take the more questions in there. Okay, great. Is it possible to literally get your head stuck up someone's

ass? Is there any scenario where you'd have sex with Hitler? Can I make a fleshlight of my own asshole and then fuck it? Wow. You don't have to ask for

permission for that. You can do that. That's a shit question. Are hate crimes still considered hate crimes if you love doing them? Stop working on hate crimes! I hate beating up this minority passion, are they really hate? What's a little too stupid today?

This next one's a Gallagher question. Yep. Can orphans eat at a family restaurant? You're absolutely right. What is the deal with airline teams? Let's talk about it. So Gallagher. If you shoot yourself just a little bit every day, would you eventually become bulletproof?

I've developed a tolerance to bullets. I've developed a tolerance to bullets Would you rather the whole world see your private parts Vagina or penis Or your ass Oh man, I'm really coming down off some of these previous ones here I'm allergic to dogs and peanut butter If I cover my cock in peanut butter And let a couple dogs lick it

Which allergy would likely kill me first? That is Bob Saget. How do you join ISIS? Is it like a sign-up thing? It's just a regular Google form. You pull the little tab off the flyer. It ends with the or. Question or question?

How many children die of starvation and curable disease when they could easily be saved by Santa Claus? He's not wrong. That's not... I'm not reading the next one. Okay. Could a hypothetical ex-girlfriend be teased by her friends for dating a junkie if I started taking heroin after dumping her? Provided they don't know when I started taking heroin after dumping her, provided they don't know when I started taking crack.

Again, that's not morbid, that's just... Thanks, Reddit. Hi, I'm Reddit. Bye, I'm Reddit. Bye, bye, you're Reddit. Portax, you posted three in a row. Which one's your favorite? I have no idea.

Alright, I guess I'd go with Can You Sing Yourself to Death? So there's a lot of songs... It's like primetime Fox. Sing yourself to death! So there's a lot of songs of people with long notes, but like, can that kill you? Oh man, like... but like can that kill you oh man like if only Axl Rose died

in the recording of wow wow better world better world and then Dijon what did you find what did I find I found so many things he was a little wise back but you found something this is a personal question. How does one bet on a dude fucking an alligator? Does one bet on it?

You bet on the alligator! That was a fella that got a ponderance from the movie Money Plane. At least somebody got something from the movie Money Plane Well I mean Kelsey Grammer got paid So two people at least Yeah I watched that movie

It was a movie Okay and then Portex You Go for it. The one I just posted or some of the other ones? Yep, yep, yep, yep. What did I post?

Oh, okay, I did post this, didn't I? It depends on whether or not you want to read about analingus with an anteater. Yeah, how far would an anteater's tongue go if it went inside your anus? Like, if you're just sleeping naked in the forest?

Yes, the forest. Good work. And an anteater comes and starts licking your butthole, searching for ants. Yeah, again. As they do. Anteaters, famous for not being able to locate where ants might be. Also, like, how did that happen?

Did the anteater overpower you? Like, I feel like they're not that swift. I hate to admit this on main, but I've read manga in which this happens more than once. Okay. This guy says, I am not looking for an anteater to do this

by the way. I was just wondering because of the raccoon's offering, in which case, you know. What's the raccoon fact? I don't know, but it made him wonder. Okay. And then, oh my god, so many, so many, so many, but K-Thor,

K-Thor, what do you got? Yeah, I'd like to actually bracket this with a warning that this is legitimately upsetting to me, so if you are upset by something holy shit buckle the fuck up this one is rough my username is erotic discourse

just to really get you ready okay good if you were to try shaving your teeth with a razor would the razor glide smoothly across them or would it scratch and chip bits off? Are teeth able to be whittled down, or are they more akin to slate or flint, where it would break off and chip more unpredictably? Oh, someone wants vampire teeth. Oh, no.

My answer is leave. Well, you know, I have a less bothersome question. Oh, yeah? What's that? How much volume would an average liquefied penis take up? Average? Okay. My husband and I were discussing this while making dinner no it was a penis it was enchiladas what night is penis night well that's not that's not the journey i'm interested in then anyone want to do the math how many blended penises would it take to fill a cup. I don't know. I don't know.

Anyone want to do the math? You know what? Post the math on both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do it. Hey, I got a question. Yeah, okay. How to tell if your testicle's dead. What happens with that testicle?

Slap it! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Get your head in the game, bud. What if someone doesn't see if a testicle. You just slap it. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Get your head in the game, bud. Well, if someone doesn't see if a testicle's dead, I mean, it just doesn't dissolve. We'll just hang on your scrotum, chilling. Oh! What is that?

As somebody who wrote about testicles professionally for three years, it is absolutely not just chilling in there. That's not what it's doing. No. No. What if it is? It's not.

I got you. He's not even gonna go through this. Sick of it. He's had enough. Portax, I want the breathing fire one. I've got a pretty reasonable question if anyone can help me out.

I hope you all can help me out here. Can I breathe fire someone chasing after me and not be held at fault? Sorry, can I breath fire? Can I breath fire? Can I breath fire someone chasing after me and not be held at fault? Sorry, can I breath fire? Flip a coin. Can I breath fire? Can I breath fire someone chasing after me and not be held at fault?

I think about this scenario a lot. Do you now? What does that look like? Let's say I'm walking down by myself down the street, and some dude's all, hey man, come here for a sec. So I take off and he starts to chase me. Maybe he's got a knife, who knows.

Anyway, while running, I pull out a flask of vodka, take a mouthful, and then I pull out one of those torches you see the fire breathers use and light it. Then I stop running and turn around and breathe a huge flame onto the guy, instantly lighting him up. I think about this a lot. I think about this a lot. You think about this a lot.

So, okay, so first, okay, so couple things. Couple things. You're carrying a 750 of vodka, like, in your cargo shorts. Is that what's happening here? I'm bouncing the cup in it. And then while running, you put the vodka in your mouth. I get that part. What I don't get is that you're running, you put the lighter up to your mouth while running.

Right. And the flame just holds there. Mm-hmm. Okay while running. Right. And the flame just holds there. Okay. Okay. Okay. I think about this a lot. I think about this a lot.

I'm just constantly pouring vodka all over me, and then I'm just pulling out the match. Okay, Thor, please read that one. My user account has also been deleted. My question is, did the minions help Hitler? No, they didn't.

They were frozen during that time. Actually, the actual lore is they were frozen in the Antarctic. They specifically did that to avoid that. Also, there's actually a great thread. Can somebody read the first response on this? Because then the OP has a follow-up question.

I'll take that. Not in the movies. They were conveniently trapped in the cave during the 1940s, like Portex just said. But yes, they would have. So did the minions help do 9-11? Okay, yep. I don't have an answer for that.

Got him. 100%. Absolutely. Stupid. So stupid. Closing things up here, I uh question um why are why are there mentally ill humans because of reddit everyone was normal some of them can be helped but others are put in mental facilities where

they just deteriorate slowly over time it's, why can't they differ reality from fiction? Reddit, reddit.com. I know it's something in the brain, but why does it happen specifically? Why does it happen? Why does it happen? Snap out of it! Snap out of it!

I don't... Snap out of it! Are there mentally ill humans that are ostracized from normal population like us? What? Oh. No, never. Let it show. They're cared for and loved by society and given a social support network. Everyone knows that.

We definitely don't abandon them on the street. Never, ever, ever. Oh my god. And then I think, Boots, if you'll just take a couple more of these remaining questions here. Sure. This is just in the yeah the bottom of the doc there okay what will happen if i obtain an infectious virus sample from the biosafety level

for laboratory uh breed and grow it in my garage to make a simple biological weapon fill a sprayer with a solution containing the virus and then go to public spaces and spray it in my garage to make a simple biological weapon, fill a sprayer with a solution containing the virus, and then go to public spaces and spray it in the air all over the place. Actually, K-Thor, just take the title of the one you just found. What would happen if you kicked a penguin?

Would it squeak? Asking for my boss. That's how it would go. That's Spankletown. What about butt-chugging Coors Light to death? What about... On Friday I got stuff on Friday.

Somebody here clearly forgot about butt-chugging Coors Light to death. Okay. Of all of the things to butt-chug, one of the worst choices. Yeah, it's so cold. It's so cold! It's as cold as the Rockies!

What would happen if someone were to smoke a dead person's ashes? What makes boobs... boobs? Whoa! Whoa! Here's a profound question. What makes boobs boobs? Whoa. Whoa. Here's a profound question. Can men be roofied?

Nope. No. No, clearly not. Can scientists create a lab engineered virus that targets only females of the human species? Oh, boy. Asking for my boss. How many newborns are flushed down the toilet? Because shitty...

Jesus fucking Christ. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. How long would someone live if the only thing that they could consume for the rest of their life was ghee? Well, to be fair, if the only thing you ate was ghee, you could flush newborns down your toilet so easily. Could someone survive starvation by thinking of gross things and ruining their appetite? Your body still needs nutrients. Oh, that's how it works, huh? So if you don't eat, but you're just not hungry. Yeah.

You'll only die of starvation because of the hunger, not because of the lack of nutrients. What would happen slash how damaging would it be if you fed a newborn a couple of tabs of acid? I feel like it wouldn't do anything. No, they don't have object

permanence yet Nothing's going to happen there That's kind of already what they're experiencing At that point What if a baby interpreted everything as weird shapes and lights Think about it Yeah And Portex you had one more

Okay so I have one final question One final question. My name is DJS. Are there any places, places, where you can ask even more morbid questions? Because this place has rules, and I want one with, like, no rules. Oh, God.

Let's mosey on over to r slash concerning questions. Oh, this mosey on over to our slash concerning questions. What did we learn from any of this? F plus. We didn't learn anything. There's only questions. How do you learn? I learned a lot of people don't know what morbid means. Just like ask your morbid.

Like a lot of them that I skipped over when I was looking around was just like i want to jizz on my couch it's just like that's not morbid well i mean like okay so it i mean it's it's one of those like concepts that's like big so it's sort of like a little bit harder to define but i feel like if i were to define morbid and morbidity i feel like i would define it as what makes boobs boobs i would have to say they say curiosity killed the cat but i think these reddit users are killing cats in other ways why why was everybody banned why was everybody banned i couldn't i couldn't click on any user account to get any information. It just says this account has been banned. This whole time, I feel like I kept reading stuff and kept going, well, you're a freak.

Let me find out more about you. Oh, you're banned. Like, is this like Reddit's releasing an off-gas? This is the sort of chamber where they just compress their garbage before they shoot it out of the airlock?

Yeah, it's the Reddit chaff honeypot. We've deemed you too subhuman even for Reddit. Yep, yep, yep. And, like, I mean, we've touched on this before, but like so many other subreddits too, is like, my original post,

dude, you're fucked up! I also realized that I was logged in this whole time because I do have a Reddit account that I don't use and so it's like so the profile is like

hi Lemon, here's the things that I know you're into. Oh, no. R slash morbid questions, R slash e-stim, and R slash replica. The three pillars of Reddit, really. Hey, Lemon, still not getting laid, huh? You wondering why? Have you considered cannibalism? I'm actually surprised.

I was looking to see if there was a true morbid questions for people that got sick of the rampant militant moderating. you know the rampant military militant uh moderating and the risen yeah so that's always something that you always see is someone just saying oh man this place has like rules and decorum of some fashion and where's the place i can go where there's no rules uh our website is always thfbl.us uh and if you go to thfH-E-F-P-L dot U-S slash merch, we have merch. I know about two pieces of merch that are actually nearly done getting released right now. He knows. And they're both super fun.

So you should look, because Napoleon Blodohart drives delightful things. And Ball Pit is also a place And also I don't know Do you have anything you want to promote Kthorn? I'd like to not die tomorrow Okay Same piggybacking off of that

It's Friday Would Sunday be okay? I meant tomorrow as to when the listener is listening to this Oh okay gotcha So as long as Oh my god So this is like a Dorian Gray Tomorrow as to when the listener is listening to this. Oh, okay. Gotcha. All right. All right. So as long as... Is this... Oh, my God. So this is like a Dorian Gray kind of situation.

The podcast of Dorian Gray. As long as somebody's listening to the episode, you'll live till tomorrow. It's time to start the daily ritual to keep J.Lo alive. Oh, my God. I'm going to... Honestly, I think I'm going to write an email to Jordan Peele. It's time to start the daily ritual To keep Jason alive Oh my god I'm gonna honestly I think I'm gonna write an email to Jordan Peele I feel like this could work The opposite of the ring

Alright that's all bye Bye Oh boy, my Twitter account just got locked because Mr. Beast buried himself alive for a week and I told him to bury himself dead next and they thought that was bad. That's good. Would his face still be, would his face be making that fucking face Sticking out of the ground Like a shallow grave