The F Plus - 68: The Episode Is Coming From Inside Your House!

Episode Date: February 29, 2012

The psychology and thematic considerations of "What Makes For Good Horror?" is something often discussed at length by people you probably don't want to associate yourself with. Obviously they may argue amongst themselves over minutae, but will usually cite a construction of tension, a feeling of malevolence, a spirit of helplessness, and no fewer than six bare breasts as the essential elements for finely constructed, timeless horror. The stories contained within this episode have none of these things, relying instead on grammatical errors and poor plot construction for a different feeling of unease entirely. This week, she melted. Seriously: she melted!

This is HP Minecraft. Yes! Oh, God. What the hell? I'm sorry. Welcome to my nightmare. I think you're gonna like it. Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things read with enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. Like it. obviously be looking at our usual assortment of nutbags. Today, we're going to be looking at philosophy,

and maybe those people that don't exactly understand that you should read before writing. Some people that I think have vastly misinterpreted the works of Jacques Derrida. Oh, I think you mean Jacques Scarada. Jacques Scarada. No, why? Portex, why are you acting like this? Because the holidays are coming up.

You know, it's National Public Sleeping Day today, and I've gathered up a lot of spooky stories for the occasion. National Public Sleeping Day? Is that a real thing? Yes! It's also National Chocolate Soufflé Day! Why do I invite you into these things again? Because Scumquad Sop and Nutshell Gulag weren't available.

Oh, God. So you're just going to be like this all day, aren't you? Absolutely. All right. Well, I guess we're not going to do the philosophy. So you have ghost stories, you said? I have tons of ghost stories. It's called Creepypasta.

It's just as scary as it sounds. It doesn't sound very scary at all. Nope. It sounds... Is it really poorly written? Like, shitty stories by teenagers? Absolutely poorly written. It's devilishly poorly written.

All right, then. Let's get to our readers. In the room tonight, we have Jimmy Franks. If you have a sensitive anus, do not listen to this podcast. The brick you shat will be painful. A.C. Acquadal. And then a French Canadian popped out.

John. The story was almost as scary as the change of tense in the beginning. Vortex. Oh my god, you guys, it's a ghost. Get the camera, oh my god. Kumquats up. And then a podcast popped out. Let's welcome back our special guest, Zarla something or other. This is the last episode of Zarla where the eyes all start bleeding.

Then everybody dies. And then a lemon popped out. Oh, God. Ah! Ah! Welcome to my breakdown. I hope I didn't scare you. That's just the way we are when we come down.

All right, Zarla, would you like to explain to us the concept? Because I don't really understand. What is a creepypasta? Can you define that? Yeah, well, it's basically just a little short scary story. Essentially, they get passed around on, like, chants and stuff most of the time. Like, really late at night, there's actually even a separate board for this, but really late at night, people would get bored,

and then they'd try and scare each other by telling stories. And there's a board on 4chan called X where I think there's a lot of this, but that's not where I found it. But essentially, they're little small stories, and they get passed around and sent to each other and then people just try to one-up each other by telling scarier stories and stuff like that and then it eventually spread outwards and there's kind of a whole huge thing for it now and they're called creepypastas because originally it was copypasta but they're scary stories so now they're creepypasta oh that's

clever that's where I came from. And I was just looking for some and I came across this blog that happened to collect a whole lot of really stupid ones. Like, almost all of them were really stupid. Alright, come quiet. Why don't you start us off by

teaching us about special meat. Oh, fuck. teaching us about special meat. Oh, fuck. Special meat. Special meat. Special...

Oh, Jesus. Alright, hang on. It's scary. Put on your scary voice. Yeah, it's a terrifying story. Blah, blah. Alright. Alright.

Here we go. Tuesday, June 14th, 2011. It's really scary. Special meat. Ever since my dad left, my mom has been serving up special meat. Okay. She said that daddy was giving it to us and I should never look in the fridge in the basement.

Makes sense. Needless to say, I got incredibly curious. Block of thickens. One night at around midnight. Not midnight. That's scary. Nor two minutes to midnight. Not midnight? That's scary. Nor two minutes to midnight.

I snuck into the basement and looked in the fridge. Dun dun dun. There were vegetables there. Ah! I could poop regularly. What I saw there haunts me to this day.

It was none other than my father, with cube neatly diced out of his torso and limbs. Oh my god. Are you kidding? What? All I can think now is that must be a really good knife I wonder what kind of knife he used That knife just fell right through his torso

Sweet Guys he thought it was like food But it was his dad You don't eat people What happened next? It's a cube of I screamed Waking up my mom.

Oh no. She instantly knew what I had done and ran up to the kitchen to grab her cleaver. Oh my god. Oh no. I, on the other hand, was too stunned to move until my mom came into the basement. Five minutes later. Mom came into the basement. Five minutes later.

She was swinging the cleaver like a maniac, all the while trying to coax me to stop running. It's okay. She goaded. What? What? Motherly voice. I like the verb. That's not the right verb. So wait a second.

Let's picture this. So she's swinging the cleaver around like a crazy person. Okay. It's not the right verb. So wait a second. Let's picture this. So she's swinging the cleaver around like a crazy person. Okay, you're out or not. It's okay. Honey, it's okay. I'm just swinging the cleaver like a maniac. I'm your mother. Calm down. It's just a tick.

She's goading. She's goading. She's like, it's okay. It's okay. Come on, you baby. It's okay Come on you baby It's okay After running in circles Around the house many times Na na na na na na na

Ha ha ha Then a little bald guy comes out They tap him on the head And then he's in a bikini I realized my mom Had locked the door at some point. Oh, my God. Inevitably, she caught me.

She pinned me to the ground and started chopping off all my limbs one by one. Really good at typing with my nose. He makes it sound like it's vaguely inconvenient. Oh, he chopped off my limbs one by one. Really good at typing with my nose. He makes it sound like it's vaguely inconvenient. Oh, he chopped off my limbs. That sucked. Could you be chopping all of them off all at the same time? The next day, I was sitting in a wheelchair all bandaged up.

Okay. All right, then. She applied bandages to my lips. Well, no, I mean, obviously she used cling film as well. My mom once muttered now you know

but I didn't question it. I think I know where special meat comes from now What? Story made no sense You knew about it two paragraphs ago Yeah

I'd like to tag the story too He's being scientific Look, all he knows is that there is meat And his father was without With cubes missing But he didn't actually see the cubes make it into the fridge So scientifically that may not actually be his meat.

It might be something else. He didn't notice his father was dead? Or is his father alive and then he just sleeps in the freezer? He's in the fridge. Hosted by Inuna. Plus one. Recommend this on Google. What are the tags?

Come on. Labels. Axem the tags, Kumquat? Labels. Axemaniac, body horror, cannibalism, holy shit, story. Wait, they made story a tag? It's just a label story.

Well, I guess some of them technically aren't stories, but... Some of them are videos. Zarla, I understand that you want to tell us a story about a teacher is that is that right yes it's an amazing story and you guys are just you're not even going to handle this story oh i'm i got a pretty i got a pretty strong stomach i bet it was my first day at Red Tree Hills Middle School, and me and my best friend, Jade, both had Miss Chalk as our English teacher.

Miss Chalk wasn't horrible or anything, but people said that she had a major problem with girls with braces. So, on a Monday in March, I got braces. Despite her? I wasn't going to before, but now.

Fuck you, Mrs. Chalk. I've got a real problem about girls with braces. I should work at a middle school. There shouldn't be any problems. Gotta confront your fears. As soon as I got to school the next day, a girl named Samantha walked up to me and told me that Mrs. Chalk was going to do something bad to me.

I should have listened, but I didn't. I'm not scared yet. I'm scared. Shut up. I'm scared. Shut up. And Miss Chalk stared at me with a stare so great I could have fainted. And she turned around and melted.

Seriously. She melted. Seriously, you guys. That's terrifying. Why are you laughing? You're laughing at this woman's tragedy. I'm sorry. That's right.

That's right. Sorry. Wrong voice. She melted. I am so not sleeping now. Seriously. Seriously, she melted. Seriously, guys. Ham, she melted. Like, seriously, guys.

Ham butter has melted. Alright, Acer, this is a story about Zack and Megan. Trouble before Zack. And Megan! Alright, they're looking for deal.

They're looking for blood, and deal's at the gap. Hello. Rang a voice in the forest. What do you want? Yelled Zach. It's just me, said his girlfriend, Megan. Oh, oh, I knew that.

Then she started to fade. Zach! She yelled as she disappeared. Whoa, whoa, what's happening? Yelled Zach! Lack of quotation marks is spooky. You don't know where the dialogue is. Be scared.

It's all dialogue. Then he saw it. Look, I like how somebody's remixing the story while we're reading it. What's happening? Remix. Girl talk. Hey. Hey, guys, are you ready?

Oh, my God. It was a creature in the tree moaning. I don't think we should be watching this, guys. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Zach looked up and screamed. Then he mustered up the courage, and then he asked, well, what are your giant eyes for? What are your giant eyes for? What are your giant eyes for?

What? Got that out of my system. What are your eyes for? Wait, what the hell? To look through and through. What are your giant claws for, said Zach, seeming frightened. To scratch your grave. My grave?

Alright. That's okay, just get a little bit lower on the tombstone. There you go. And here's the wrapping. What are your giant teeth for? said Zach, almost whispering. Then

the thing replied, to chop on your bones! Oh no! giant teeth for, said Zack, almost whispering. Almost whispering. Almost. Then the thing replied, to chomp on your bones! Oh no! Oh my god! Twist. I'm gonna be dead already, what the fuck do I care? Zack started running, and when he was in a clearing, he looked back and he saw his house. Oh. That's convenient.

So he ran inside, and there were three things, two graves in the yard and the monster. I'm glad you counted for us. Zach screamed so loudly he died. It's like the scene from Scanners.

Did he like vomit up his entire insides? It's like he screams so loudly. What the crap. Wow. That's pretty scary. Are you scared yet, Lemon? I'm scared.

The alternate title for the story was Megan discovers her boyfriend is a pussy. And he died of fissiness. Well, now that you're all set here, I want you to tell us this really scary story about the video game from like 20 years ago.

Doom. Repercussions of evil. Yay! I mean, I'm scared. Oh my god, you guys. Oh my god, it's Doom. I'm not scared about the evil, but I'm kind of scared about the repercussions of the evil. Yay! I mean, I'm scared. Yeah. Oh my god, you guys. Oh my god, it's them. I'm not scared about the evil, but I'm kind of scared about the repercussions of the evil. I'm scared of of.

John Salvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. Oh my god, dude. Oh my god. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. Hey, sorry we're late.

His warnings to Sarah and old Josen were not listened to. And now it was too late. Far too late for now anyway. Now far late. Late, late, far now. John was a space marine for 14 years. When he was young, he watched the spaceships and he said to Dad, I want to be on the ships, Daddy.

Daddy, what did Dad say? Dad said, no, you will be killed by demons. Oh, well, that's straightforward. Yeah, that's good advice. Me and Dad ride on the same school bus. There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got older, he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC, he knew there were demons.

This is Jolson, the radio crackered. You must fight the demons. The radio was cracking. Shouldn't it add a foo in there? The radio was throwing out Ritz crackers, spelling out words. So John got his palsma rifle and blew up the wall. That makes sense. Rifle for pals. You're going to rifle and blew up the wall. That makes sense. Rifle for pals.

Are you going to kill us? Said the demons. I will shoot at him, said the cyber demon, and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmated at him and tried to blew him up. And the cyber demon rocketed at him. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

No, I must kill the demons, he shouted. The radio said, no, John, you are the demons. Oh, no! Oh, my God! That is a fucking twist. And then John was a zombie.

In addition to being a demon? Well, yeah. Well, he's just changing. See, he was a marine, then he's a demon, now he's a zombie. Oh, it's the evolution of John. Yeah. Are you scared yet, Lemon? These are terrifying stories.

You don't seem scared. That one was a little scarier. Alright, John. This is yours. It is called Day of Blood. Whoa. That's scary. Blood is scary. Oh my god, you guys.

Is that between Wednesday and Thursday or something? I hope you were able to read this with the enthusiasm in which it was written. It's so scary. Tall order. Can someone like hug me? But there's a video too. Oh my god, you guys.

Oh my god. It's the day of blood. Okay. The day of blood. This is a story of a day where there was all this blood. A man was walking around and blood started coming out of him everywhere. There was so much blood that it filled up an elevator.

He went to the store and there was just blood all over the place. People were slipping in it and they were all grossed out. He tried to go swimming and all of the sharks went nuts and bitten everybody. He got chased by all the vampires ever. One time the blood got a kid and a dog. At the end of the day,

at the end of the day, everyone decided they would send him to space so that he would stop getting blood everywhere. The scariest part is that the man was you, or he was a lady if you were a lady, and he forgot that this happened. Oh my God. You guys,

it's all the blood. You made the blood everywhere. Oh, there. The end. It's all the blood. You made the blood everywhere. Oh, there's a video. Day of all the blood. Oh my god. I had all the vampires? Yes. You were running away from the shark, but then you ran through a vampire convention.

Oh, the video is terrifying. There's just a guy just standing there. That's scary. Zarla, here we are. Hey. Oh man, you get this. By the way, can I say, before we start reading, best name for a story yet?

Yeah. The story is going to scare you to death. What's it called? Just what's the title of it? It's called, and then a skeleton pops out. Oh my gosh. I'm already scared. Are you ready for this?

Yep. All right. A few years ago, a man was walking down a road because his car broke down, and he saw a car coming up behind him, so he stuck out his thumb to hitchhike, and the car stopped ahead of him. You still with me here? Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with you.

I'm tense, though. He ran up to the passenger side and opened the door. When he opened the door, a skeleton popped out! I've got to sit down. I'm scared of skeletons, you guys. Anyone with a skeleton comes up to me, I'm really scared of them. I thought it'd be easier reading it, but it wasn't. It's so awful, you guys.

Oh my god, I need a second. Tom Quat, you're up next. Oh no. Can you smell fear? I can't help but smell. I'm not sure what that smell is, but I guess it's fear. So, I'm sitting here on my couch, which is pushed to my computer, and the rest of the room is to my back. I'm watching TV what that smell is, but I guess it's beer. So I'm sitting here on my couch, which is pushed to my computer,

and the rest of the room is to my back. I'm watching TV and jacking off when I hear this really menacing cackle from behind me. Menace, menace, menace. Your penis is small. Mario is behind me I like watching you deck off I shit too many bricks to sit up and look behind me

so I just slowly moved my head to the left where I saw my cat can I parse this real quickly does that mean that you shit more bricks than you were expecting to? And it was enough bricks that you shit that sitting up became

a problem? Basically, he ate so many bricks, it replaced his skeleton and gave him structural rigidity. So when he shot them out, he sort of flopped down. Oh, okay, cool. He was sitting on a Lego base plate, and he shot them out, he sort of flopped down. Oh, okay, cool. He was sitting on a Lego base plate and he shat out his own chair.

And he couldn't get up because it was attached to the Lego. So, uh, cat, cat, cat! It was stating either blankly or terrified. Uh, pick this! It was stating either blankly or terrified. Pick this. At the space

right behind the couch and perfectly frozen in a position I don't normally see it in. Standing on one leg. Pause it on its head. Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. I just watched it, imagining what kind of evil it saw right behind me.

But then I noticed something! Okay. It started stretching and contracting its back. It was taking a shit! What? And the cackle was just it farting. Guys, it's scary. That is horrible.

That is horrifying. Do you know how bad cat farts smell? God. Is there any more? Oh, you got me again, cackle butt. Oh, man. It was staring because it was focusing. I nearly threw up trying to clean it up.

God damn it, then a skeleton popped out. Oh my god. Oh my god. Popped out of the shit, I guess maybe. Did the skeleton help you pick up the cat poop? Oh, that'd be nice.

Put it to pop out. I'm thinking it popped out of the shit. A tiny skeleton hopped out wow that was really good skeletons are scary they are scary they're skeletons normally you have to have meat

on you and when you don't you're a skeleton that's fucking not good alright John this piece is called dripping I assume it's about sex Good. All right. John, this piece is called Dripping. I assume it's about sex. If you say that about every single thing we've ever read. It's a fairly safe assumption.

Well, true enough, but still. Dripping. Why? A couple was sitting in a movie theater watching a scary movie and the female of the group wasn't having a good time as women often do like a female

she was probably thinking about shoes or something she'd obviously been bored out of her mind oh it had been a late showing so there was practically no one there, and the room was dead silent except for the screening. About an hour into the show, she feels a drop on her hand.

At the end of the movie, it's going to turn out that they're watching the Fantastic Four movie, and it's just so horrible that they kill themselves. So for the record, it's dead silent, except for all the noise happening. Ignoring it, she quickly shakes off the feeling and continues to watch the movie,

trying to enjoy it. If only these stupid ovaries wouldn't stop getting in the way. Darn it. I get these stupid ovaries wouldn't stop getting in the way. Darn it. I get so distracted. Just looking down. Wait, I got tits. What the hell am I watching a movie for? What the fuck?

I got shoes to buy. I should be knitting cakes. Another drop lands on her hand and furious now. She hits her boyfriend, thinking that he'd purposefully been messing with her, be it spitting or throwing water on her. Wait, so she's used to the idea of her boyfriend, thinking that he'd purposefully been messing with her, be it spitting or throwing water on her. Wait, so she's used to the idea of her boyfriend spitting on her? She's into it, dude.

She's like, not in front of a company, you know? He doesn't move. She pushes him harder this time, throwing in some obscenities, and to her horror, a red line that she hadn't noticed until now starts to seep red

and then his head falls off a red line oh my god that's an important detail where this red line that starts to seep red because it's a red line but eventually it's red horrified

horrified she lets out a silent scream everybody do their silent scream but eventually it's red. Horrified. Horrified. She lets out a silent scream. Everybody do their silent scream. That's not silent. You're failing. I'm sorry. Too scared? I am screaming very silently.

And that's when she feels the drip again. That's a really bad video. Looking at her hand, she makes out the color of the liquid. Red. Nervously, she looks up and is shocked to find a body hanging directly above her. It's neck tied with a

noose and the stomach torn open. Oh my god! The first thing she noticed was that there was a line, the red line, and then she's like, oh wait, he's also hanging. Huh. Oh, it's some other dude. Oh, hey, your head fell off. I'm dead.

The horror of the story is that it's some stranger bleeding on her. No, no, the horror of the story is that his neck is tied within a noose. So he's hanging, but also his neck is in a bow tie. I hate bow ties. It's Tucker Carlson Oh he's dead

That's nice Wait a minute I didn't get to kill him Fuck I would like to tell you a story called Upstairs That sounds scary I'm pretty scared for this When I was a child

I lived in a little too scared for this. When I was a child, I lived in a rented two-floor house. Both of my parents worked, so I was often alone when I came home from school. One early evening, when I came home, the house was still dark. I called out, comma, Mom. And I heard a voice say, yes. I imagine like that chicken from the Looney Tunes. Yes. From upstairs.

I called my mom again and I got the same, YES! reply. I felt she was calling back at me and climbed the stairs. Not just saying yes to herself for no reason. Excellent! When I reached the first floor, wait, what? When I reached the first floor, I called once more, and the voice, Yes? came from the furthest room. I felt uneasy, but I had a strong urge to see my mother,

so I started to walk towards the room. Just that moment, I heard the front door open downstairs, which is in the basement or something, and my mother came in, carrying a lot of shopping bags. Sweetie, you are home! I'm sorry. Sweetie, are you home?

Statement. My mother called in a cheery voice. Mama Robotnik, apparently. Hearing her voice made me feel instantly better, and I turned to go downstairs at once, but not before I had a quick glance towards the room. While I watched from the top of the stairs, the door to the room slowly opened a crack. For a brief moment, I saw something strange in there.

A pale face staring at me. Oh my god! It was a skeleton! It just popped out! No skeleton! No! Guys, no more skeletons! And my brother Tom said, Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were calling my name. And the radio said,

I'm trying to play Call of Duty. And the radio said, No, John. You are the mothers. Actually, I like some of the comments. Anonymous said, this post has been removed by a blog administrator. Anonymous said, this post has been removed by a blog administrator. Anonymous said, but who was blog administrator? Anonymous said, but who was blog administrator? That's pretty good. Alright, well, I'm sorry to tell all you people, All right.

Well, I'm sorry to tell all you people, but Acer Akawadl has died. But fortunately, we have. Oh, shit. That sucked. Yeah, I know. Fortunately, we have his diary that he's going to read us. I'm sorry. Hell, yeah.

The spooky ghost is going to read it. Oh, shit. Sorry. I spoiled the plot. Yeah. Spoilers. Oh, my God. These are the last diary entries of Acer. Dear whoever can see this text.

Oh, my. I need help. I started a week ago. I know. Why not go to a hospital? How can I? I take the bus. Get a cab.

I don't know. Well, that's all rhetor a cab I don't know Well that's all rhetorical I don't know September 23rd 2011 It began I woke up in a cold sweat The taste of adrenaline and sleep in my mouth

I hate that taste Taste like sleep I've been having again the taste was potent and relentless the same people are with those muck descriptions

I think so I had big tits I couldn't remember my dream But it must have been some shit I don't think I'd write that My dream was shitty It must have been some shit I was crying

My face was red I breathed in and went to the bathroom When I looked in the mirror I noticed my eyes were darker. Oh, God. It wasn't just the iris, but the pupil and whites, too. They were kind of a gray. A silver, if you will.

Yeah, silver. Yeah, that's the ticket. Yeah, there we go. Silver's gonna sell. So they're darker, but they're darker silver. They're dark silver. Well, yes, because I was taking colloidal silver, you see.

Oh, yeah. I don't think of silver. That'll make you immortal. September 24th to 26th. It took me two days to write this. I can't. I can't. I can't sleep. My eyes are engulfed in black. Not white.

No blue iris. Just black. I'm alone. What other colors aren't your eyes? They're not red. They're not brown. They're not green. They're not pink.

I'm alone and scared shitless. My body aches. I can't take it anymore. There are lacerations forming on my shoulders. They're deep. They smell of blood and rotting flesh. I should probably go get that checked out.

I mean, I'm in so much agony. Oh my god. You don't need medical attention. just complain to your diary about it What the fuck? I mean, I'm in Canada Why don't I just go to a hospital? It's free You have to realize that this is in America And that's a pre-blasserations

And silver black eyes are a pre-existing condition So Oh, I've become an American And then I've become an American And then an American popped out. No, John. You are the American. And then John was a Texan. No.

Kill me, please. I'm fucking up blood. Oh, is this September 27th, by the way? Oh, hey, it's my birthday. I'm sure something nice will happen. Kill me, please. I'm fucking up blood. The stains cover my chest. Covering my birthday. I'm sure something nice will happen. Kill me. I'm a king of blood. The stains cover my chest, covering my breasts. Well... Surprise! So you did get kids.

Well done. This is nightmarish. I can't wear a shirt or bra anymore. Well, this is a guy writing a scary story for a chan on the Internet. He may still have breasts. That's not, you know, ruling that out.

The pain is too intense. September 30th. I passed out in the pool of blood. I don't know. Just writing this? They passed out. That's weird. They just went to go write it down Dear penthouse I'm bleeding from every orifice forum

I didn't think it would happen to me These things, they're like wings They stick out of the cuts They're like a raven's wings. Big, black, and devilish. Ravens don't have devilish wings. They have bird wings. I'm going to die.

If not by this, then by suicide. Help. And this is why I never read any of those notes that you pick up in a survival horror game. Oh my god, you guys, he turned into a bird. God, god, motherfucker. Animorphs was the scariest book ever written. Hello there.

Hello. I'm a single father of two three-year-old boys. Their favorite show is Barney and Friends. Well, it used to be. Until last night. Oh no. Oh no. Yesterday I was looking at my TV guide when I saw something that caught my eye. Tonight only, a lost episode of Barney and Friends.

First and only chance to see it. Airs at 7 o'clock. Yeah, they'll never rerun that shit. Naturally, I asked my kids if they wanted to see it. Obviously, they said... Yes! I got the popcorn ready. Naturally, I asked my kids if they wanted to see it. Obviously, they said, yes. I got the popcorn ready. I got the popcorn ready.

They love to eat popcorn while watching Barney. Oh, I'm sorry. I jumped in there. When the time finally arrived, they ran into the living room. They ran into the living room. They evaporated, forming a layer of clouds. Then they moved in by wind formation. The wind

pushed them into the living room. My children are elementals. Fake out. This is a plot twist. It's raining kids. Hallelujah. When the time finally arrived, they rain into the living room, turned on the TV, and sat down on the couch with me. It started, and the

familiar theme music began playing. However, something wasn't right. You were watching Barney with your kids. No parent would do Barney with their kids. That's the whole reason it exists, so that you sit in front of it and go away.

Well, for starters, I could vaguely hear whispering during the music, and it sounded creepy. I shrugged it off, assuring myself that it was just my imagination. Hey, you stupid kid, why don't you go to the kitchen and have a drink? The episode began

like all of them do. The kids talked about something while holding a doll version of Barney. A doll version of Barney? Or Barney doll? No, it's a doll version of Barney. A doll version of Barney? Or Barney doll? No, it's a doll version of Barney. Then, poof! He comes to life, giggling like an idiot.

He started speaking and I turned it up slightly so he could hear it. Barney sounded slightly weird, as if two people were talking at once. One with his normal voice, and another that sounded demonic, to say the least. Income taxes. Why did they...

Okay, so why did they shoot this, and why aren't they re-airing it? It's Sweeps Week. We couldn't afford the regular syndicated episodes. I tried to ignore it, but that's when I heard Barney say, Hi, kids. Today I'm going to teach you about death. That's nice. Yeah, that's not so bad.

I mean, Sesame Street did that in a very mature and thoughtful way. It's a real thing. It happens. I nearly fell out of my seat when I heard that. I wanted to turn it off, but for some reason, I couldn't. The show kept going. What's death, Barney? This is...

His face suddenly turns angry and he grows teeth. He laughs evilly and bits the poor child's head off. Through the television? I mean, I can't figure out the blocking right now. The kid on TV, one of the Barney kids, he bit his head off. Oh, that's what child number one is. Okay. Yeah. He asked

what death was. I don't know what he was expecting. Right, exactly. I don't see any other conclusion to that question. I want you to introduce me to Mr. Punchface. Why won't you introduce me to Mr. Punchface? He wants a Hertz donut. For some reason, my children kept watching, unaffected by the obviously disturbing stuff going on. Barney then proceeded to kill all the children one by one,

each time roaring. The children at this point started to run away from Barney, screaming and crying for their parents. I think what happened was he accidentally sat on the remote and he switched it to Jurassic Park on another channel and he just could not figure out the difference. God damn it, you shouldn't have drunk all the room.

Be fair, those Barney costumes are pretty realistic. He's blotto out of his mind watching kids drunk on golf medicine. Hey kids, let's make some popcorn. Let's watch Barney together. Who's the best stepdad

in the world? That's not Barney. That's not Barney, that's Jeff Barney together. Who's the best stepdad in the world? You are, sir. That's not Barney. That's Jeff Goldblum. Oh, well, I don't think Barney should be doing these kind of things. Not really. Not really at all. Barney just chuckled and said in a demonic voice,

Mommy and Daddy can't help you, huh? He bit the helpless children in half, eating their brains and stomachs. That's good. Then Baby Bop and BJ came in, apparently not noticing the dead children.

This is just like the back of every middle school kid's notebook. Like, is this really considered scary? I mean, I remember when I was in like fifth grade, I was drawing Barney killing people. Is that really? And then there was this flash game.

Does somebody want to be Baby Bop? Portek, you're Baby Bop. Okay. Well, Barney be Baby Bop? Portek, you're Baby Bop. Okay. Well, Barney. Baby Bop said. What did we learn today? Barney grinned an evil grin and said directly to the camera.

Remember, kiddies, don't bother locking your doors or hiding under the bed because sooner or later I will find you and kill you all. He then laughed demonically. Ha ha! Oh my gosh, you guys. I can't even handle this. This is a laugh of terror, you understand. It's chilling me to my core. The rest of the damn episode This is a laugh of terror, you understand. It's chilling me to my core. Dorp.

The rest of the damn episode showed a distorted picture of Barney with a blood-curdling scream. That was the last straw. I reached for the remote and turned it off. I looked to my left. That was the last straw. Not the tip of the quarter or anything like that.

It's a distorted picture. Fuck that. I reached for the remote and turned it off. I looked to my left and realized that my children were nowhere to be seen. Thinking that they'd already ran into their room, I went in there. However, I didn't find them. That's when I heard a voice behind me. It's too late, Steven.

I've already killed them, and now I'm going to kill you. Wait, what? I turned around to see a demonic, blood-covered Barney slowly walking towards me. Even while he killed me, he still sang that fucking song. I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. Oh, the blood's already gone. Alright.

Oh, that was really good! It was terrifying. It was the part I was born to play. Alright, uh, Zarla, you are once again a child, and poor Tex, you are Zarla's mother. As always.

Candy! Part was born to play. And this story is called Candy. Alright, start us out here. Mom, said the little girl, rubbing her eyes and standing in the doorway to her mother's room. Mom, the Easter Bunny is eating my candy. She said. She said this to her

at a teenager. Nonsense, baby. The woman replied. Easter Bunny gives out candy. He doesn't eat it. The whole family's just really disinterested in everything. Mr. and Mrs. Apathy. That's where she gets it from.

Yeah, there you go. The woman lightly shook her covers and continued to speak halfway into the pillow and halfway to her daughter. Wait, really? What? Covering up half her face with a pillow. She's talking to the pillow. Go back to sleep, baby. But mom.

The girl said. The Easter Bunny is eating candy. She now smoked in a more serious tone. Almost as if she were going to cry. Her mother sat up and opened her arms. Baby, I just told you. The Easter Bunny doesn't eat candy. He hands it out to little children. Besides, it's not even Easter

yet. Go back to sleep. She said in her kindest voice, she tried. Okay, Mom. The child sighed as she turned to walk out the room. The woman smiled and thought,

crazy kid with her lively imagination, and went back to sleep out the room. The woman smiled and thought, Crazy kid with her lively imagination. And went back to sleep, on a whim! I think I'll just sleep right now. I happen to already be asleep. Oh, she's such a free spirit! She sleeps when she's tired!

Check her schedule first. Out in the hallway, The little girl stood for a while Staring at the Easter Bunny eating her candy She then sighed All I said, I should go back to bed The Easter Bunny smiled Acer Good idea, child

Turn around and don't look back He flicked a shiny metal pendant at the child. She picked it up and cried as she saw what it was. It was a dog tag and it read candy. Oh god, it's a pun!

Oh no! Oh, I'm really scared. Oh my god. The one that says OMG, that was feeky. November 13th, 2013. Today, my friend messaged me on Facebook. He said something about a scary noodle. Oh, my God.

Wait, but is this like an eating noodle or like a pool noodle? It's a noodle. Oh my god! Wait, is this like an eating noodle or like a pool noodle? It's a noodle. He talked about how scary it was, but he wasn't typing like he usually does. He was the sort of person that never made spelling mistakes, but his message looked like he was rushing to write it. mistakes, but his message looked like he was rushing to write it. I wouldn't

be surprised if my friend had gotten mad. I've seen him get mad once before. He got mad sometimes for no reason. Like if we bothered him while he was working on one of his tests. Hey, that's a reason.

You fucking need to be taking a test. I'm just going to ignore him for a while. He'll stop acting weird soon. Dun, dun, dun. November 30, 2013. I haven't heard from my friend in weeks. It looks like he really did get mad. Took you weeks to come to that conclusion.

Maybe he worked so hard on one test and ended up failing, then committed suicide over it. Oh, jeez. I wonder why he failed that test. Maybe it was his friends were fucking with him the whole time. That really could be a possibility. You know, I'm actually think of

checking out that dumb scary noodle now. Okay. Gee, my friend may have committed suicide. I'm curious about this noodle. There's a scary noodle in the first act. Number two, 2013. suicide I'm curious about this noodle yeah there's a scary noodle in the first act to 2013 I'm scared this this story I read mentioned that anyone who reads it will die a few days afterward. I know it's just a story,

but I believe it! Oh no. I'm an idiot! Help me! I guess I'll find out if it's true in a few days. It's just such a lame back. I'm starting to feel sick. Oh, no.

I'm scared still. It might just be a coincidence. I probably caught a cold! I'm gonna take some romatosses! Oh man, the tension here is just so, so much. Get some Ricola!

There's so much of it. There's so much of it, but they stored it in a different story. December 5, 2013. I'm really not feeling well now! Oh no! Uh-oh. It can't be just a coincidence

the doctors don't even know how I got center walk I'm sick with. Oh, this one actually went to the doctor. That's a turn from some of these other stories. Yeah, it's true. December 8, 2013. I feel like I'm going to die.

Well, you are. It sounds dumb, but it's true! Okay, we've got the byline for the entire site now. I think I'll just go get a glass of water. I feel like I'm going to die. Oh, well, I'm kind of thirsty too, I guess. But it'll be from the New York City Tap!

And it will have a lot of lead in it. And then I guess next this is the newspaper... My brain is dead. This is the newspaper byline for this, I guess? Okay. Yep. James McClanahan was found dead in his kitchen on December 12th, 2013. Blood was dripping out of his mouth and a small

pool had already settled on the floor. Doctors couldn't find any source of his death. Blood loss? This friend that was mentioned was most likely Thomas, named Redacted, who was found in a similar matter in his own home a month earlier. Police attempted to find this scary

noodle that was mentioned, but no trace could be found. Mike died in Vietnam. Joe went on to found a successful... Alright, man. Everyone's getting overtime. We're gonna find this scary noodle. I wanna... I see the parts that she cut out of the Minecraft thing,

and I... No, but guys, you see, it's a scary noodle, but it's like creepypasta. Oh my god, you part. Oh my god, you guys. Oh my god. You blew my mind. On the next episode of CSI, we have to open all these cans of SpaghettiOs.

Which one of them is scary? Can I read the mind thing? Yes, please. Okay. I try to get the good parts. Yeah, these are some nice parts, yeah. So this is about a haunted game of Minecraft, you guys. This is scary. This is my really scary story. Lemon, you're finally going to be scary.

Minecraft is a really scary game with all the pixels and stuff. Yeah, the graphics are really bad. Goofy looking animals made of blocks. Yeah, okay, so first, find a lava pool at the bottom of the map and jump in while wearing full diamond armor, okay? Okay, done.

Yeah. After that, sink until your hearts are half depleted. You'll suddenly fall into a room of pure obsidian. Okay, you have hearts in this game. All right, I'm learning things. Yeah, yeah. See, you guys don't know about... Trust me, it's way scary if you've played Minecraft and stuff, but trust me, this is super scary.

There you will meet someone called the Gatekeeper. And after you kill him, the eastern wall will fall away to reveal a hall of pure diamond blocks. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. Guys, I'm so scared by this GameFAQs cheat. Why did I kill this guy, the Gatekeeper?

Trust me. Because after walking for about a minute or so, you'll enter a gigantic cavern of lightstone. There, you will meet the final boss, a creature so otherworldly that it cannot be described in normal words. Oh, thank you.

Oh my god! Normal words. Yeah, this is... So it'll have to be described in words with a lot of, like, umlauts and accent graves. Right, horrible. Yeah, this is... So it'll have to be described in words with a lot of, like, umlauts and accent graves. Right, right. Your description will sound like furniture from Ikea. So anyway, if you manage to kill him, a door will appear on the opposite hall of Diamond.

It leads to the opposite of the Nether, but after entering it, you'll find it is only much, much worse. I'm pretty scared of Diamond. Yeah, here after entering it, you'll find it is only much, much worse. I'm pretty scared. Yeah, here, the true game of Minecraft begins. Stars begin to appear in the sky, but they're not the typical square blocks that populate Minecraft so thickly. Instead, they are

perfect spheres. What? Oh my god. I'm terrified pixels, man. I'm terrified of circles. Well, wait. I think the scary part is that in a game that's as fucking blocky as Minecraft, something would actually be a sphere. Yeah.

There's spheres in Minecraft. Scream! Next line. They seem to have a resolution so high that it seems they are created by a god a toya or a possibly soft imaj

a six eye p.s. John Carmack is god yeah they started to sway through the sky in a rhythm of the blank noise That sentence meant nothing Yes, it meant everything

At this point, my game started to lag Unable to render this At this point, my game started to lag Unable to render this... The true horror! The true horror! At this point, my game started to lag. Unable to render this dance of perfection. My ping hit 400 milliseconds. It sucked! Oh my god, fucking terrifying. I tried to turn down my render distance,

but at the first touch of the button, my screen was filled with otherworldly faces. Pale gray contorting faces against an opaque white fog. Are these like Minecraft? She changes her settings! So the idea is if you go deep enough into Minecraft, it turns into like a pop-up scare flash

like Linda Blair's face will pop up. That's it. They changed with each frame which at the point was approximately one per second Thank you for telling me that Numbers, scary

I couldn't figure out what was happening so I opened Task Manager and shut down Minecraft EXE Then I updated my drivers But the real twist is I was on a Mac the whole time! Then who was Intel? When I restarted my game minutes later,

the Minecraft message on my home screen read, Don't you ever, ever stop the cloud. Don't stop the cloud! Don't stop the cloud! Don't stop the music! Please do not stop the cloud! Don't turn off in-game cloud syncing or I'll fucking...

Don't believe that! Hang on a second now. This is where it gets super scary. Because the yellow letters crept up until almost the entire window was filled. But I still managed to make it to the world selection. Yes. Hooray.

That must have been really hard for you. Yes. The sound had been slowly become melodic. Or should I say un-melodic? Oh, snap. I've often read about the tritone. I've never heard one, apparently. The devil's note.

The main basis of all the metal music I listen to. Wait, last edited by Jack Chick at... But this was different. I could feel my nerves tingling as it played. Metal music. God, you guys. Tritones tingling as it played. Metal music. God, you guys. Tritones aren't even the basis of metal. Whatever. Before I could even

think about what the fuck kind of music this was, I saw a cloud in the distance. As I walked, it grew larger and larger and larger and larger and larger. You're going to be scared. Let me check this out. I saw the faces of skeletons and zombies and creepers.

Which are all enemies in the game. Even though they had the resolution of many years gone by, they seemed to portray an emotion. I could see tears fall from them. As a small single pixel, they trickled down to these blocky faces. It reminded

me of the mausoleum where my aunt was buried. Oh no. Record scratch. What? I'm not sure if it's going to get better than that sentence. My mother was a Grecian god.

Alright class, your assignment is to write a creative story of your own choosing. I'm going to write one about Minecraft I tried to run, but I was frozen As they surrounded me, I hissed, I wailed, I shrieked The screen became perfectly detailed, as if it mirrored the world The music grew louder, as did everything My ears rang from the barrage of senses

When I exploded In the game, or? And then you became a demon? When I exploded. What? In the game, or? And then you became a demon? Released from hell, I finally reached my true form, the monster, the thing that chases the prisoners from their gilded cell, the savior. All I could do was contemplate what this meant. I felt as if I was the only one who was trapped in this earthly cage. I thought about suicide, finding this other world of terrors, but it quickly passed.

I should kill myself. Well, maybe not. The end. I think I'll just explode. All right. The last scary story that I have for us is about the most terrifying subject in the world. I'm talking, of course, about cats. Robert was convinced that his cat was trying to kill him.

After using the litter box, Mr. Cuddles kicks the litter around, leaving a big gaping hole in the middle of the box. Robert was positive that Mr. Cuddles was practicing body burial. Robert also occasionally woke up on the sofa after his afternoon nap to find Mr. Cuddles kneading about on his body. This, Robert was certain, was not a display of affection, but a clever technique in which Mr. Cuddles very subtly checked his internal organs for weaknesses. Cuddles seemed to have settled on the pancreas.

Robert stopped having afternoon naps. Are you scared yet? I mean, yes. I'll be scared when we get to the Minecraft part. We're in pixels. And so Robert went through every day and every night in fear that his cat would come out of the darkness

and suddenly disembowel him for some of the cat medicine men had mysterious powers and could shapeshift into anything like any cat then really Robert was also sure that there existed a secret ring of cat terrorists bent on overthrowing humankind. The effect of this is disarming meows. Meowter strike.

We declare upon you a catwa. The yarn has been planted. I swear upon you, a cat-twa. That's good. The yarn has been planted. He dubbed these vile scum as cat-terrorists. Yay! He went there. Robert was not good at names. He actually went there. Well played.

He later regretted dubbing them that. He later regretted dubbing them that. Robert would have killed Mr. Cuddles himself, if not in fear of the retribution that he would bring unto himself from the crazed cult of cat terrorists, who would undoubtedly claw themselves into his house and lay giant rat traps everywhere, which, Robert speculated, they would use out of a love of cruel irony. Hmm. I was thinking I was going to say something. He tried to intimidate Mr. Cuddles by goading him into a staring competition,

but he always lost. Mr. Cuddles never blinked. Those damned cat eyes, staring straight at him, straight down into his soul. They seem to know everything about him. They seem to be taunting him. Robert took a lot of amphetamines.

Oh, okay. That explains it. Yeah. There we go. Yeah. All right. Vote now. They not only allowed him to stay awake against the hallowed forces of evil,

they also gave unto him knowledge about the cats and their plans. Oh, so it's not a problem, it's the solution. I see. It was as if some higher being was giving him help. He was very, very grateful towards this higher being. He often asked how he could ever repay him. The conversation usually went something like this. Oh, great, magnificent God of all, however, can I repay you?

Oh, peels! If you do insist, oh, divine master. And so Robert took quite a few pills, securing the knowledge that if the cat ever encroached upon his personal safety, the higher being would smack it to death,

probably with a large baseball bat. I don't think higher beings need to use weapons. I feel like they have smiting abilities. What does God need with a baseball bat? Maybe he was just a high being. Sorry. Yeah, man.

However, one day the higher being disappeared, dissipated, gone. Robert was extremely uneasy. He assumed that the cats had kidnapped the higher being using some sort of advanced technology. Incidentally, slightly before this, he also ran out of pills. Two things probably are not related. Ladies and gentlemen, we will kidnap God, not because it is easy, but because it is hard. It was no good.

Robert was addicted to the amphetamines. He went to his usual dealer, Jacob, down the street below the great oak tree. Jacob, while handing over a bag, asked him what the problem was. No problem, said Roberts. Normally they go down to the old swimming hole and

don't buy drugs under the old oak tree from anyone else but me. Well, howdy there. Mom and Pops. Want some drugs? Well! Jacob said, Your eyes almost look like that of a cat's.

And your mustache looks strange. Almost as if it's turning into a cat whiskers. Oh, no. She ran all the way back home. Robert couldn't find a mirror. The only mirror he had was smashed by Mr. Cuddles a week ago. And even as Robert ran around the house

looking for a mirror, Mr. Cuddles followed him with what appeared to be a ghost of a smirk on his face. Ooh, I'm a facial expression. Ooh. Oh, no, it's the ghost of a smirk. Oh my God. Get the camera.

Oh my God, you guys. Robert finally found a piece of jagged glass which had fallen off from the smashed mirror. Yes. He thought as he stared hard at the glass. These do look like cat eyes and it looks as if I'm growing whiskers. I'm growing into a cat.

That's scary. Suddenly, the glass flashed the image of Mr. Cuddles. Robert looked behind him and screamed. Mr. Cuddles was right behind him staring at him as if saying, You're one of us. You're one of us.

That's terrified. I'm scared. Robert took the piece of jagged glass and slashed open his own throat. Oh, God. Maybe I was being too hasty. Well, that's one thing that I like about creepypastas is every time your story is kind of just getting off the rails, you can just have characters just kill themselves.

Oh, man, I am down a rabbit hole. And then he killed himself. The end. And the skeleton popped out. And there you go. Let's go. Dracula was the name. And the boogeyman is my fame. And there we go.

Sorry I didn't warn you people with heart conditions because that was around about an hour of some shit. Portax, what did you learn this week? I learned that people whose only frame of reference is pop culture have a lot of difficulty being creative. Oh, God, I know. You know, it's interesting because, you know, the people we'll talk about, especially people in marketing, we'll talk a lot about, oh, you know, this generation of kids are, you know, they're far more media savvy,

you know, than previous generations have. You know, you can't really dupe them as easily. They can pick up on stuff. They understand media shorthand. And that's true to a lot of cases, but to a lot of other cases, they're only good at parroting that same shit back. You know?

Like, yes, they all have seen Monty Python, but the only thing they can do with it is just do the parrot sketch. Yeah. And it's just the death of a lot of things. Most importantly, any sense of dignity. Yeah, really. It's just, you know, most of these stories were just like, ooh, this has blood in it.

That's scary because all those scary movies I saw have blood in it. You know, this has a skeleton and skeletons are scary, right? I mean, that movie said it was scary. Especially when they pop out. And yeah, I think that for what it's worth,

they say kids today have no imagination. But if you honestly were to read any of these stories, clearly you must have a very active imagination to be scared by it, because there's really nothing descriptive in there at all. Nope.

To have any effect. Anyway, the website, as always, thefpl.us. We are always taking your suggestions for stuff for us to read. Like us on the Facebook, etc. Yep. And thank you to Zarla, who gave us

all that horrible, horrible, creepy crap. Thanks, Zarla. Thanks, listeners! See you next time. Bye-bye! ...... Till the midnight hour to come. To torture me for the wrong I do. It just sits there and stares at me. And Lemon, I'd like to request that you read the last comment. Last comment.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Anonymous said, classic. Yes! classic. Yes! This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system.