The F Plus - 69: The State of the Micronation Is Wrong

Episode Date: March 11, 2012

As politcal rhetoric becomes increasingly rancorous and the division between politcal ideals divides wider so that no plausible middle ground can be reached, there are some people out there that feel that existing within a pre-established democracy just isn't going to work out, and that it's probably better to just start a new country from scratch. For all of these people, from the founders of Sealand to Sarah Palin's husband to those Libertarians in the 80's who got invaded by Tonga, results have been fairly discouraging. However, none of those people have ever made their own wiki site to explain their pitch, so things are probably looking up for the Federated Commonwealth of Malatora. This week, The F Plus learns that existence is futile.

The dragon is wise, a sage among the ignorant. He knows not all the glitters is all bullshit. All the ignorant. You guys... This was a train wreck. You guys don't know what Colin Respond is, do you? Fifty! Let's try that.

Let's try that again. I can't! I see the clouds that move across the sky. I see the wind that moves the clouds away. It moves the clouds over by the building. I pick the building that I want to... Hello there! This is the F+, Terrible Things, Red with Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm Boots Reingear. Boots, what's wrong? Are you having a problem over there?

Oh yeah, I'm just trying to rip up my passport. Why? Why? Why would you need to rip up your passport? Okay. You need it. Yeah. You remember a few weeks ago you sent me a link to this website.

It's called Malatorra. Oh, yeah, yeah. The Kingdom of Malatorra. Sure. The Federated Commonwealth of Malatorra. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's, you know, the micronation where everything's awesome and your mom doesn't bug you. Right, yeah, it sounds, I mean, they're pretty happy with it, the citizens of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I figured I'm going to move there. I'm going to join it, I'm going to live on an independent nation where, you know, I can hang out with, you know, furries and people who really love dragons. where I can hang out with furries and people who really love dragons. There's a problem, Boots, and I can't figure out why you didn't figure this out.

I was sending you that as an F-plus content, like, hey, look at this Malatorra thing. I think it would be funny to read. Oh, I just thought you thought it was really cool. Because it is. I don't know why you'd want to use it for an F-plus episode. But, I mean, if you want to move there, it's not real. Didn't you notice that it doesn't exist? No, I haven't got past the first page, really. But that first page was really impressive to you?

Yeah, yeah, it's really awesome. I guess I'm so excited. Well, okay. They said anyone could join. That's true, that's true, but it doesn't... I mean, like so many other things created by, you know, furry video game fan teenagers, there's a lot of talk, but nothing actually happens.

So your whole plan of moving there... Look, all right, I'll get the readers in here. We're going to explain to you that this just isn't going to work out. Okay, I'll get some tape. Readers, assemble! It's going to make life easy for me. It's going to be easy to get things done. I won't relax as long as I love one.

In the room tonight, we have Boots Reingear. My robot body is going to be $100 billion. Jimmy Franks. My robot body is going to be the body Optimus Prime With a Na'vi penis Bunny bread My brain is going to go inside of a duck which is going to go inside of a chicken Which is going to go inside of a turkey And then that's going to go inside the bellies of all these fucking people who live here

Sounds nice, Portex My robot body is going to have dot eyes And a bitey mouth and be fuzzy and squishy Not a surprise And John My robot body is going to be a Krogan from Mass Effect, but it's going to have angel wings. And Lemon, who's going to be a lemon. This land is your land, and this land is my land.

From the California to the New York Island. From the California to the New York Island From the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream waters This land was made for you and me So, Portex, would you tell us what we have here this week? Yes. This is the island of Malatorra. This is a micronation Malatorra. This is a micro-nation that does not exist. It's a group of

less than 100 people on the internet who have decided that they are going to own their own island, and they're all part of this nation that none of them live on. This will shock you, but they're all huge nerds that are really into dragons.

I don't believe you. So I see they have their own wiki. Yep. I guess, Jimmy Franks, if you could start us off by explaining to us a little bit about the Federated Commonwealth of Malatorra. The Federated Commonwealth of Malatorra, federated commonwealth of malatorra better known by the shorthand fedcom is a small nation that is working to build itself into a sovereign

nation state you know we really need some uh some good light jazz under this this sounds like a really good like travel video like a little tourist as a As a nation, FedCom displays unique cultural concepts not found anywhere else, which means it is not represented by any extant nation or country on the planet. The people of FedCom thus created this project to forge an entirely new country so that they may exercise their inalienable right to self-determination in the pursuit of freedom and peace. I'm sorry. alienable right to self-determination in the pursuit of freedom and peace. Um, I'm sorry, who isn't alienating their right to be self-determined?

Well, I'm assuming all those stupid mundanes that are preventing them from drawing dragons. I'm going to say guidance counselors. Um, and this is a guess, but I'm going to go with dad, god. Or stepdad. God. No, stepdad.

God, Trevor, come on. Stop alienating my right to self-determination. You're not my dad, Trevor. I wouldn't respect a stepdad named Trevor either. Okay. The highest goal of FedCom is to become a positive role model in the world to affect the necessary social changes that will bring lasting peace and solidarity to the entire planet. Pregnant women should not take FedCom.

Side effects include diarrhea, vomiting, nausea. And dragons! So how does FedCom diverge from other micronations? FedCom diverges from other micronations by its unique economic system. Few micronations are anything but capitalist. It's decentralized, direct, democratic government. Most micronations have authoritarian governments and rarely representative democracies. It's long-held tradition of strong self-defense.

It's long-held tradition of self-defense. It doesn't exist, but it's unique. It will defend to the death their right to not exist. Many micronations are pacifist and lack any military.

You mean like that one that was on a boat and it had guns? I feel like every micronation is mostly run by crazies with guns. Sorry, never mind. The Love Boat was a micronation, wasn't it? President Stubing. Man, they actually are.

They had an excellent salute in that military. And particularly its complete lack of interest in achieving widespread foreign diplomatic recognition. Something most micronations are obsessed about, since they feel it somehow legitimizes their existence. There are other people on this planet, so says others. We already know our nation is bullshit, so we don't care. It's all good. Fedcom also has no interest in joining the United Nations. Most micronations dream of this.

Oh, yeah, I didn't want to be part of that. Fuck you, United Nations. I wasn't interested anyway. I'm glad you're not inviting me. In short, Fedcom recognizes its own special situation and has developed its own aspirations and goals, which exist outside of the expectations of traditional perspectives. Translation, we've settled.

Fedcom does not consider itself to be a micronation. What the fuck was the previous paragraph? John, would you teach me about the branches of the military in this micronation? Okay, so this is for the Federated Commonwealth Defense Force. I guess this is the military for... Yes, this is the military for FedCom.

And here are the branches. The FDCF is split into five distinct branches, each specializing in a specific field of combat. Branches often work together and coordinate their efforts to achieve mutual goals, and they do not have the bitter rivalries and competition

often found in the militaries of other nations. So I've just got to get over the fact that even though this doesn't exist, they're going to talk about their history. Yes. That's going to come up over and over, and that's just something I've got to just get past. Yep. 100%. The DM spent a lot of time on this.

You gotta go with how he wrote it, okay? This is really important to him. I rolled my military pacifist. Army. The army is primarily concerned with control over the land and the airspace immediately above it. The land we don't live on.

It's controlled over there. They tend to use light vehicles and infantry, focus heavily on stealthy secret forces teams to accomplish their goals. Armored vehicles and most helicopters would also fall into their arsenal once these are acquired.

So that shit that we don't have, once we have it we're totally going to use it. Civilizations that choose the army get a plus two in light gun... Okay. We don't have resources, but we do have the bureaucracy to manage them. Perfect. Navy. The Navy is focused on the ocean, and is mostly only concerned about the area surrounding Malator Island.

This is like a fourth grade book report! What the hell are you saying? It is mostly only concerned about the area surrounding Malator Island. Gary's got a boat. It is ultimately intended to become a green water navy, concerned with regional projection rather than a global reach. That means we can't go very far. The FCDF Navy plans to employ various submarines as the warships in its fleet,

with surface ships being few and limited to coastal defense. It's just like a halo of submarines. Well, more like a wagon train that kind of circles up. Circle the submarines. Air Force. The Air Force is focused on securing the sky's observation and airstrikes. God damn it. The Air Force is focused on securing the sky's observation and airstrikes. Oh, goddammit.

Fedcom already has access to basic drone technology and can fly observation RPAs, remotely piloted aircraft. Are they talking about, like, remote-controlled planes? Yeah. I can make them do... We're talking about paper planes at this point. My brother has an RC helicopter. Yeah, the Malatoran Air Force has mastered the loop-de-loop

help me plan to use it. Come on, Jeff, we need some recon. Okay, let me start it up. As Fedcom industrializes, much more will become available. Yeah, they're going to use the natural resources of their fictitious island. So they'll be

exporting bits and bytes. They will be the greatest natural reserve of bitcoins that is ever known. Cyber Force. I'm just going to let that sink in for a second. The Cyber Force is one of the smallest branches, but doesn't need to be large to make a big impact. So it's smaller than nothing? Oh my god.

Sure. Now wait, Phil, that's all mostly normal when other countries have it. That's all mostly normal about the cyber force? The military hacker gang? I'm actually looking at the Wikipedia page on cyber warfare, and it just references

movies. It's not like they're talking about real life. No, I'm saying these are all things that conceivably someone would want to defend. Okay, fair enough. And I gotta say, with the kind of people making this island, this is probably the only branch of military that will actually be

real and have people qualified for it. Yeah. So that said, I mean, you know, there can't possibly be anything crazy about it, right? Yeah, let's move on to the last branch. Space Force. Right, okay. It is anticipated that assuming Fedcom is successful

at establishing sovereign control over its territory and the economy flourishes both reasonable assumptions Fedcom Fedcom will eventually reach out with its own ambitious space program

I guess ambitious is a word you can use its own ambitious space program. I guess ambitious is a word you can use pretty freely here, yeah. And begin to develop and colonize the solar system, and perhaps beyond. What we're going to do is we're going to buy those toy rockets, but we're going to buy two of them together. Space Force would be

officially established at the beginning of FedCom's space program and would be tasked with defending all assets in orbit and beyond. So this one's in future tense. That's interesting. Space Force may also be able to provide support to terrestrial forces in the more distant future. Of course. Sure, because you remember Reagan's Star Wars program? You know, the U.S. didn't get that to work, but this company's all over it.

They've drafted their own Geneva Convention. Obviously, you know, they don't need to be part of the United Nations, so they're not going to deal with that shit. But, John, if you would just take the first bullet point under their laws of war section. So under the homeland exception policy? Okay. Yes.

As a small nation, FedCom lacks the resources and personnel necessary to support and guard large numbers of POWs. If FedCom took prisoners, it would sap resources vital to the defense of the homeland, food, medical services, and personnel to guard the prisoners. That would be better employed by directly supporting national defense. So they have a strict take-no-prisoners policy.

We haven't really figured out what we want to be as a nation, but we have decided that we're going to be bastards. Take-no-prisoners. Why? Well, Greg's already on the couch and we have no room here. So, I mean, we don't have sleeping bags. What are we going to do? I only have enough hot pockets for us. Our thing,

our taquito reserve is dangerously low. Well, you either gotta guard the POW or play Mario Kart Wii. I'm fucking choosing Mario Kart. A derp. Why don't you just play Mario Kart with the POW? Strict play Mario Kart. I know you choosing Mario Kart. Adur. Why don't you just play Mario Kart with the POW? Strict play Mario Kart. I know you've got another controller.

I'm not sharing it, asshole. Not with a prisoner. My god. One more. John, can you read the second to last paragraph of the whole article? In the event of an invasion by hostile forces, the FCDF is authorized to employ unrestricted chemical warfare

to destroy the invaders and safeguard the lives and property of FedCom's people. So, taquitos, you say? This is what Jello Biafra warned us about! I'm sorry, did Portax, did you say you had something that was uniquely crazy that you wanted somebody to read? What, the thing that I posted, or the other thing? Okay, well this was just

to give you a sense of, okay, so they said we're gonna go to space, you know, we have this military, and blah blah blah. This is where Fedcom is on Earth. Fedcom's spiritual homeland is an island near Western Africa, which we call Malatorra At the present date, even though we have a strong connection to this land and call it our

home, no member of our group actually lives in the region yet Wait, what was the last word in that sentence? Yet Oh, okay, okay, okay See, current plans establish a timeline for permanent colonization within the next eight to ten years. Then we'll launch our space program, I guess. Although FedCom hopes to eventually control the entire island,

we are currently focused on the southwestern two-thirds, which are the least populated, least developed, and most mountainous. Several valleys in the island's interior are the central focus of our interests. VidCon's ultimate control of these valleys is essential. Do you think people on this island will mind you moving in? That's only to go to the

least populated part. There's also the thing that I posted above it was the subculture groups. I don't know if you want me or someone else to read that, but... Well, at least they were open. Yeah. Alright, I'll take the subculture groups.

Please. The Malatoran population sympathizes with the ostracized and rejected groups of the world, and welcomes the vast majority of them with open arms. Not all of them, but just the vast majority do. You don't say! Subcultures that have found a safe haven and meaningful belonging

in our community include elements of the otherkin and furry fandom communities. Oh, starting out there. Alright. Furrytopia. It's like Furrytopia.

The bisexual and homosexual communities, transgendered individuals, as well as naturists, transhumanists, I don't even know what that one means, and environmentalist groups and movements. We do not turn anyone away for anything as

petty as their beliefs or who they love. All are welcome. So their goal is to turn this island into, like, liberal weirdo trail mix. Sort of, but there's a lot of really crazy, like, hawkish policies that they have, too, that I feel like the transhumanist environmentalists might have problems with.

Well, I'm sure that they take no prisoners. They assume the prisoners are all going to be captains of the football team. Also, they're a democracy, so everybody will have a say in how things are run, right? Yeah, I'm sure that that's in their constitution. So with that, like I was saying, the superweapons of WMDs leads into the bread and butter of Maladora. In the news? On the FCDF part, at the bottom where it says WMDs and stuff. I read it.

Yeah, but if you read the whole thing, there's a word in there that nobody knows, and that word is the... Yeah, Boots, just take the whole super weapons and WMDs part, please. Okay. Super weapons and WMDs. A weapon that is never used is no weapon

at all, and if the time comes where the use of such a weapon can save FedCom from annihilation and or quickly end the conflict and restore peace, then such a weapon should be deployed quickly and decisively for maximum effect. Maximum effect. Yeah. It is anticipated that Cytrans... You know, Cytrans.

Keep going, keep going. Cytrans... You know, Cytrans. Keep going, keep going. Cytrans. It is anticipated that Cytrans would not regard chemical or biological weapons as WMDs due to their immunity to such substances. The definition would still apply to organic soldiers, though. So you just move away from this whole thing and directly... You know what? Lemon sounds a bit confused.

Should I elaborate on this? On the PsyTran project? Yeah. Yeah, let's talk about the PsyTran project. Yeah, let's. Okay. Should we lay the Terminator music under this? Begun in February of 2009, the concept of cyber transplantation, from which the portmanteau

Cytran is derived, is a revolutionary technological project that has evolved into an important social cornerstone of FedCom. Oh, really? What would that be, then? The concept is an extension of advanced prosthetics and near-future cybernetic human augmentation. Future. Right. is an extension of advanced prosthetics and near-future cybernetic human augmentation. Derived from Fedcom's extensive cybernetics and robotics

research program, which is currently still in the development stage. Does thinking about it qualify as development stage? I totally masturbated while thinking about it. That's got to be something more. I drew some cartoons about it. It aims

to bring together the fields of biomechatronics, animatronics, robotics, and several other computer medical specializations. In other words, we just made up. Man, these people got really high and watched a lot of C-Lab. Like, in a row.

Watched a lot of anime. I wouldn't put my brain in a robot body. A completed psytran, if ever built, and many melatorians believe this can be accomplished within their lifetimes, would be a cyborg of a special caliber, a living brain, controlling a completely synthetic body through an advanced direct neural interface. In essence, the replacement of all organic tissue except the brain with prosthetic parts, a logical extension of human augmentation

taken to a much higher level. Logical. That's an interesting word you used there. No, it totally makes sense, because, you know, when I fell off my bike as a kid, and I have a plate in my head, so if it just continued all of that, I'd replace all of my body with metal.

Or I've already messed up this body too much. Just let's scrap it. Yeah, I just want to put my brain in a better body. Replace my body with a garbage disposal that exclusively takes donuts, I guess. I don't know. No, that's my body right now. I know you guys are probably scared that we'll abduct you. I guess that's not my top fear, but sure.

Take away your body and put your brain inside a robot. But I just want to clarify, participation in the project is purely voluntary. Oh, thank God. And only available to malts. Oh, God damn it. You can't be a robot dragon yet. Cytranism is a right, not a privilege. Well, now that it's exclusive, I want it.

God, I'm really good at marketing this. Fedcom scientists and engineers believe that the technology can be ready for human trials in the early 2050s, barring any major setbacks. Perhaps sooner or later, depending on how quickly or slowly Fedcom develops in the coming decades. Currently, psytrans remain theoretical. I'm sure I'm glad I read all those words. But that doesn't stop them from talking about it all the time.

I mean, there's those models. We're going to, oh, well, should we get to the models right now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jimmy Franks, if you would run through the different models of Psy-trans that are available. Models. Psy-trans can be constructed in nearly limitless configurations some models will be crafted to look indistinguishable from organic humans but many other diverse models will also exist and individuals can fully customize their appearance

think of it as the ultimate form of body modification oh okay yeah the various types of psytrans possible have been grouped into four diverse categories. That's helpful. Dragons are exactly what they sound like. Wait. Dragons!

Not even gonna lead into that? Not like fucking start with Robocop? Dragons! Oh, wait. They're exactly what they sound like.

Okay, well, I don't have any questions. And are currently our most popular model type, accounting for the vast majority of all requests. There are zero of them. They are our most popular. Which makes them in a four-way tie with all the others.

Humanoids include the human replicant models, as well as a wide selection of other humanoid variants. All are bipedal, and many are of the anthropomorphic animal style. A.K.A. furries. Can I get my cock bigger? It's got pickles and special stuff. No, because they're saying humanoid, and they say anthropomorphic

animal style, so they're talking about just all furries in general, that are just bipedal. You're a furry for real. Towers are centauroid creatures with a humanoid torso mated at the waist with shoulders of a quadrupedal torso. This is a diverse group too. Fuck you,

Henriette Griffin! And non-humanoids fill in as a catch-all category for anything that doesn't fit elsewhere. And the psytrans in this group are very diverse. I want to be a gelatinous dude. I want to be a gelatinous dude. I want to be a horda.

I want to be a little duck monster with a big eyeball. I want to be a guy without an internet connection. Why don't we just save the time and put my brain inside my computer? That's all I do anyways. Why bother having four categories if miscellany is the last one? Yeah.

Three, and then everything else. Citrans use extremely biomimetic designs. They have an internal skeleton, synthetic muscles, tendons, ligaments, even a water-based circulatory system for body temperature control. Yay! Liquid cooling!

Skin provides protection and makes them appear organic. Much of the body's appearance is designed to make a psytran look like they are made of flesh and blood. Really? So in essence, it's not all different from your actual body. No, because this one won't be fat. Important! Psytrans won't get fat. It says, in parentheses after that, it says,

why? And then you click on it, and there's a section under construction. Yeah, sections under construction is getting a lot of work on this site. Yeah, yeah. It's funny. They're dragons. They're not dragons. It's stupid.

Mr. Bread, would you run through the... Obviously, they're a nation. They have to keep detailed logs. Would you go chronologically in the progress of the Federated Commonwealth of Malatorra?

Okay. 2011, January 5th. In the year of our lord, Malatorra something something something. The population milestone is achieved 30 wait what does it mean

how does that population because they all claim to be from Malatoran okay so so 29 people said me too yeah

alright okay 2011 January 9th only only four days later, the population milestone was achieved. 40! Fedcom's active population in our forums exceeds 50%. Of your 40? Yes.

So that means that you have a population of your fictional land of 40 and a population on your forums of 20. Yes, 20! Terrific. 2011, January... Following a successful campaign on DeviantArt, Fedcom's population nearly doubles within a month. I would challenge you to find any country's founding documents

that does not mention DeviantArt somewhere. Possible. 2011. February 12th. Population milestone achieved. Can anyone guess? Um, 41? 50!

50! Ooh! Let's get Basil Marceau on this shit. 2011. February 21st. The Code of Malatorra has been altered by the People's Assembly to reflect changing ideals. Code number 7, which previously said, The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one. Now says, fuck y'all, got mine.

Excuse me. No, no, fuck y'all, got mine. Oh, excuse me. No, no, no, read what it actually says. It now says, one for all and all for one. So, in other words, this Karl Lark's book is way too hard. I'm gonna watch The Three Musketeers instead. Yeah, I'm wondering if that's...

No, I'm gonna eat The Three Musketeers. I'm trying my hardest to decide if that's a step down or a lateral move. Well, see, the one before had a lot of syllables. This one only has seven, so maybe we can remember this one. Oh, it works better on the back of a dollar bill, which they have. Yep.

2011, February 25th. The design for Tatsu Eirei has been... Broken Link. Oh. The design for Tatsu Broken Link Irei has been modified to become a branch of Citadel Base. Wow, that matters. I want to...

You know, Tatsu Irei is my favorite Mr. and Mrs. I want to point out, Tatsu means dragon, first of all. Secondly, the Citadel Base is ripped off entirely from Mass Effect. So they're too lazy to even come up with their own. Better or worse than StarCraft? We can't even have our own fever dreams, for Christ's sake. We copy them. Plans for the Bioware Embassy have been made.

2011, March 6th. The population milestone achieved? 60! Yay! Yay! This growth is penential. Yes. 2011,

March 20th. Major website revision published. Version 6, which is also current. Current! 2011, June 3rd. A new immigration policy is put in effect. Individuals that haven't visited the forums in more than a year will have their application to immigrate cancelled.

That's right. Wow. And so it took you until 60 people until there was forum drama. That was it. They can reapply at any time. This has reduced FedCom's population by about a dozen people. Dozen! But strengthen the core group.

Population reduced from 65... 65 to 51. Because we don't know what that does. Oh, well, two months of work are down the drain. They lost 20% of their population. But immediately said, oh, it's a good thing work are down the drain. I know. They lost 20% of their population. That's worse than the Black Plague. Oh, it's a good thing. We lost the right 20%.

When I saw the forum account killing fields. Not without my login. Okay. Portex. He isn't. I feel like any good nation website would have a mantra. Okay, uh, um, poor text. Yes. I feel like any good nation website would have a mantra. Oh, yeah. The Federated Commonwealth of Malatorra does have their own mantra.

Oh, they do. Yep. Yeah, the dragon's mantra. Oh, God. Yeah, dragon mantra. All dragons live by their innate sense of justice and truth, and regard written laws as mere guidelines for establishing a foundation of order and prevent chaos. Dragons constantly seek to better themselves and grow stronger as a species. To that end...

Is that why they burn all kinds of people? Like, when you're just trying to walk from one town to another because you can't quick travel, and then they show up and they start breathing fire? Like, is that because they're bettering themselves? It's mere guidelines. The guidelines says don't burn people. Eh, you know, you can kind of still burn people. Unless they're dicks. They're pissed off because you're grabbing all the mountain flowers and lavender.

Because you're hurting all the damn butterflies, you jerk. To that end, all dragons are encouraged to take the following short mantra to heart. The dragon is wise, a sage among the ignorant. He does. Not all that glitters is gold. The dragon is as agile as he is strong.

Before the wings comes the feline leap. What does that mean? I don't know. Every dragon has a cat latched onto it. Oh, two cats on their back. So they, yeah, get rid of those, then the wings come afterwards. The dragon is perceptive, his eyes alert as his mind. Only he discerns a difference in a mirror.

What the hell does this even mean? Was this translated by Babelfish? What the fuck? It's really hard to translate from dragon language. We're only halfway through. I'm sure the pieces of this puzzle will fit together. Yeah. The dragon is moral, his purpose just. When he sees wrong, he acts to correct it.

I'd say that makes sense. I'd say that makes sense. The dragon is a hunter, patient and focused. His prey cannot match his prowess. The dragon soars unbound, the freest of all beings. None can choose his path for him. Beep, beep, boop, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yes, hello, GameStop. I'd like to return this copy of Resident Evil.

Cutscenes are fucking misery. It's very sexist. It's all male dragons. That's what I was going to say. Dragons It's also very sexist. It's all male dragons. That's what I was going to say. Dragons are really chauvinist. Or dragon chauvin? I don't know. I don't know how that translates.

Well, you know, I mean, that whole he-she thing sometimes can make for some awkward writing. And I feel like, you know, these people are very specific about really good writing and proper wording of things. Plus, they're barely aware that girls exist, for Christ's sake. That's true. At any rate, these words define who and what we dragons are as a species. So long as dragons remember them,

they can never be taken from them. So as long as you remember before the wings comes the feline leap, no one could fucking take that from you. So once you work out that actually existing thing, then get started on these. These will be really good for you. Yeah.

All right, so are all you sold? Are you looking forward to being Psytrance? Are you good? I want to be a dragon. Okay, there are a couple of requirements I want to go through real quick. Oh, man. I want my robot dragon body now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, it'll happen either now or in 2050, or sooner or later, depending. But there are just a couple requirements. I just have some paperwork I need you to sign here. We'll get the squared up way real fast. Okay, so the requirements. Participation in the CITRAN project and the opportunity to become a CITRAN are strictly limited to FedCom citizens. This technology will not be exported for any reason whatsoever. Our reasons for this restriction are varied, ellipsis, the most important of which is that the risk of proliferation of this technology for malicious purposes is too great.

See? We wouldn't want our fictitious technology to fall into the wrong hands. Fedcom thus feels that it has a moral obligation to maintain tight control on this technology until such a time as the rest of the world has matured enough to use it with the same degree of responsibility as

These centaur dicks belong in a museum! Yeah. So just sign here. Sign here. Initial here. And then I have one more. Hey, why won't Molotora show their technology? Well, the guy who's like a fox centaur who's like half female, half male told me I'm not mature enough to have it.

Then I have just one more page here. Individuals who desire a Cytran body will be screened for certain personality disorders that could be aggravated to dangerous levels by the introduction of a power such as the psytran form. These tests will be designed to analyze how an applicant manages stress and

judge how they will carry themselves when granted such great power. Great responsibility. The Uncle Ben program has a spider man. This is fucking dragon. Dragon. Yeah, dragon.

Dragon. Does whatever a dragon can. The dragons are supposed to be like prey and hunters and all that. We had a mantra. Come on. It's not supposed to work.

Dragon. Dragon. So he's a dragon that dresses up like a dragon to fight other dragons at night, right? Those who display traits of arrogance or irresponsibility and particularly narcissism will be denied transplantation. I don't know what... Yeah.

I don't know what demonstrates the theory of narcissism, but perhaps making up your own country that you are the leader of. A handful of especially dangerous personality traits can merit immediately being disqualified from ever becoming a Cytron. Fun fact, 83.6% of our population have chosen to become Cytrons. I want to become a dragon. Are you narcissistic? Uh, 83.6% of our population have chosen to become psytrance. I want to become a dragon. Are you narcissistic? Uh, no.

Stamp approved. Jesus. It's not all about me, right? Yeah. I just want to turn my body into a robot deification of power. I mean, what, you know. Yeah. Let's see why you think that.

a robot deification of power. I mean, what, you know. Yeah. I don't see why you'd think that. Actually, so we did the, we did the, oh, okay, gross. Okay, so we did the, we did the different models of psytrans,

but we actually did the kind of the less funny version. Yeah, there's a more, Oh, it gets better. The specific version. Awesome. All humanoid models follow the same basic body plan

as humans and stand upright on two legs. Bipedal. With few exceptions, they are close to human in size. Most share a number of internal components and some sections are modular enough to mix and match for custom variants. Mix and match. Oh, they've got plug and play. Awesome.

Got one with four legs and four arms. There are four major subcategories. Human copies, Therians, Dragonoids, and Aliens. Who would you like to hear about first? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Fuck. Let's start with the humans. Yeah, right. Human copies. Psy-trans can certainly be designed to appear human. Adding subtle differences, such as eye colors not found in normal humans, are popular variations. Size can be varied somewhat, but most customization is in the skin.

Human replicants. White only. No, you know what I bet it is? I bet you a million dollars it's a bunch of white people being like, I'm Japanese and my soul just eliminates the folds of my eyes. Yeah, there we go. I need a whole robot body for that.

Human replicants designed to be externally identical to organic humans. These models can very easily blend in and only other psytrans would notice the difference. These models are ideal for anyone who's... Do they have psytrandar? Yeah, psytran sense is tingling, yeah. They kind of catch each other's eyes and then do that kind of point, like, I see you there.

No, they all have Bluetooth, so they recognize the local network. No, they all have Bluetooth, so they recognize the local network. These models are ideal for anyone who seeks the physical benefits of being a Cytran, but doesn't want to make major changes to their appearance. Pussies. And then there's the Paragon variant, also called Angels or Archangels, and sometimes Valkyries, if female, or Seraphim, if male. Hang on, let me go to Thesaurus.com and see what else they're called.

The Paragon variation adds a pair of wings to the upper back of a standard human replicant. While these wings are not designed for true avian flight, What? A feat only the dragons and griffins are designed for. What a waste of time! Yeah, that would be such a pain in the butt. All that does is make it hard to walk through doors. But they can

be used like a parachute or a hang glider. It's not all bad. No, they can't! It's handy if you're always falling off shit. A wide selection of popular fantasy races such as elves and dwarves are also quite simple to create.

So wait, you'd have to have the surgery to make yourself shorter? You'd be a dwarf? They'd hit you really hard with a hammer on top of your head. With a big mallet? That's like Bugs Bunny. I want to look like Brian Blessed. Can do. You know what this is? Oh, the Brian Blessed

side trend, I would... I would buy one. I wouldn't be one, I would buy one. This would be a full I would buy one. This would be a full island of Brian Blessings. I am a sexual yeti! You can hear their island from three islands over. I'd move there in a second. So, Jimmy Franks, I was reading ahead, and I noticed that the Therians were the furries that you could make yourself into.

So I guess we're kind of contractually obligated to read about the furries. Okay. Therians. Echoing the term Therian as it's used in the other K'in subculture, but sometimes called morphs, these models consist of an extremely wide variety of anthropomorphic animal forms. These models should be very popular among the furry fandom subculture and were designed primarily to meet their wishes. Fedcom's population is highly receptive to both subcultures and they're very welcome to join us and become their ideal forms as psytrans.

I'm not saying we are furries. I'm saying we're furry tolerance. Yeah. And we'll make furries, and we're friends with furries. And we're furries, but we're not furries. There's, it looks like there's four different versions of therians here. Of course. Canines, based on various species and breeds of canine. This group of therians is one of the most popular in the furry subculture,

and is quite diverse. Popular skull and fur patterns include African wild dog, collie, coyote, doberman, fennec fox, fox jackal, same body, different fur pattern. That's not... Foxes and jackals do not have the same...

Are you really gonna know? And bird knees don't bend backwards. Jesus Christ. Husky and Wolf. Using these skulls, custom variations in the fur coloring and style can create nearly any desired canine form. I like how on the other page, the robot human, I mean, it looked dumb, but it actually looked like they were showing the robot muscles and the robot joints and all. And the one for the furry thing, it's just some furry that somebody drew. Like, no

robot thing or anything. Snuggling up with a pillow. Yeah. It's a Cytran pillow. It's a robot pillow. That used to be awesome. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, I want to be a pillow. Yeah, that used to be a man. Now it's a pillow. But don't draw anime girls on me, because I don't want to deal with that. Nope, it's too bad. Don't give me any goddamn

husky canine theoreians. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! What other kind of therians are there? Oh, well, we got felines. Based on popular species and breeds of feline, this group of therians is also extremely popular and diverse. Popular variations include cat, cheetah, cougar, panther,

is that genet? Genet. Jaguar, leopard, lion, lynx, serval, and. Jaguar, Leopard, Lion, Lynx, Serval, and Tiger. Just like the K9 models, extensive customization is also quite possible. You can be whichever version of OSX you like. And then we got Other.

Damn it! Stop doing that! That is totally cheating! The enormous diversity. Wait, why is Other the third of four categories? We'll see. Yeah, they just said, fuck it. And here's some stuff. The enormous diversity that CyTran tech is capable of

permits nearly any anthropomorphic animal design to be created. Mammals, birds, reptiles, fish, all are quite possible. You name it. I want to be a robot Mammals, birds, reptiles, fish, all are quite possible. You name it. I want to be a robot flounder furry. I just want to have a human body and a giant fish head. Is that possible? I want to be a robot paramecium.

Robot water bear? Maybe you want something a little more exotic. How about hybrids? Yeah, want something a little more exotic. How about hybrids? Yeah, exactly. Other is not exotic enough for me. Yeah, we're just taking parts and sticking them together. Hybrids. Components of the most models can be mixed together to create fully customized hybrids

with custom color themes for the skin, fur, feathers, or scales. The upper portion of the torsos of these models are often used to create towers, which they talk about later. You know, actually, I was against this idea, but the more I think about it, the more appealing that sounds. Just like dog leg, you know, fish fin. Just kind of a whole hodgepodge. That actually sounds pretty good. Then out of your messed up animal mouth, you just stumble around saying, I paid $500,000 for this.

I'd like to just go on a little bit of a sidebar here. Just, you know, posting on the FedCom of Malatoria forums to say, to say hello. We're responsible citizens. Hello. Hello, greetings. Hello. Hello, greetings.

I would like to say this is a great nation with a nice website. I am supreme leader of the kingdom of Espen. Boo! We hate your kind around here. He just misspelled ESPN. He's actually an anchor. I would like to become an allies nation. Best wishes, Dofcap Smiley. Uh-oh. I don't like where an allies nation. Best wishes,

DofcapSmiley. Uh-oh. I don't like where this is going. Okay, so in case you want to know, the Kingdom of Espen is really boring. But the Kingdom of Espen also has a constitution. Would you like to hear the entirety of the Kingdom of Espen's constitution?

I want to break off really briefly to say that there's one member who I'm sure is Boots Reingear online, and his name is Shaggy Two-Boat. Okay, alright. The Kingdom of Espen Constitution. One, freedom of religion. Everyone has the right to practice any religion they wish. Okay. Two, excessive amounts of alcohol is strictly forbidden.

What? Oh. It's... I am out. Mom, your country sucks. All right, all right. That's clarified. It says you have the right to drink up to five bottles of any type of alcohol.

Wait, what? I see a loophole. Is that per year or per hour? It says you have the right to drink up to five bottles of any type of alcohol. Wait, I see a loophole. Is that per year or per hour? What counts as a bottle? In total. For your life. Yep. Three, everybody has the right to a fair trial in a court of law.

Four, the execution penalty will be allowed in certain cases of murder or treason. Five, all races of people are welcome. White, black, Asian, etc. Thanks for defining races for me. Six, equality for everyone. Seven, nobody shall be based on race, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, etc. Oh, God damn it! Nobody shall be based on those.

Ugh. I'm confused. I'm basing a lot on being white. It's kind of our thing, yeah. We just sit around being white. That's all I know how to do. Eight. Elected government is only permitted to two terms maximum.

It does not clarify that a term is 200 years. Right. Well, no, but that sounds like it applies to the whole government. So after the first two years, it's just going to be like, well, we're going to start everything over. Yeah. Google Lord Paul. Google Dragon Paul. Well, if we are going to move on, I wanted to point out on that website, you know, the one we were reading,

basically all the robot furries, and here you can be the human furries. They go into some detail about dragons or whatever, and then right under that, aliens is just basically, you know aliens from video games and movies? We can make you one of those, whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty much it. You want to be Navi guys? That's cool. You want to be Halo guys? That's cool. And Mass Effect. God, we'll do everything there. You can even be those little dudes that are made of farts and live in the suits.

We'll do it all. I want to be made of farts and live in a suit. Alright, so Bunnybread, you have a couple questions for me. This is all from the PsyTrain Project FAQ, but I understand that you have some questions. Yeah, yeah.

Posted by Hrothgar Proudmind. This is all from the Sightray and Project FAQ. But I understand that you have some questions. Yeah, yeah. Posted by Hrothgar Proudmind. Hello, I am Hrothgar Proudmind. Is this for real? Yes! It's not a joke. It's not a lie or fantasy. It's not an exaggeration.

It's not a pipe dream. It's 100% true and real. It is both of those things. True and real. It will probably sound too good to be true, but have you ever heard the phrase truth is stranger than fiction? I found nothing strange about this whatsoever. I don't understand. I know that some people will want proof,

but in the modern age of Photoshop and skepticism, what exactly is proof? What? You're doing more to undermine yourself there. I know you'd want some proof, and I'm not good enough with Photoshop to fake it. You want us to provide proof? Well, we undermine the very concept of proof. Take that.

Mind blown? Point proud mind. of proof. Take that. Mind blown? Point proud mind. Each of you must find it within yourselves to give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that what I'm typing here is the honest truth. Because it

really is. If you reject it, you are closing the door on a life-changing opportunity and you're only hurting yourself. I agree with the first part of that. These publishers clearinghouse things are getting really bizarre. It doesn't bode well for your country actually being real when you have to put on a telemarketer's pitch to get people to leave.

Yeah, it's a chance of a lifetime. Please stay on the phone for this important offer about the island of Malatorra. You are available to receive free robot bodies at the island of Malatorra. Please continue to listen to this message. Any other questions? How is this possible? The key to look any way you want, including any type of creature imaginable within the possibilities of physics... Oh, well then fuck you!

That's a terrible sentence. ...is called the Cytran Project. Yeah, but how is this possible? In the simplest and rather crude terms, fuck, fuck, fuck, Cytran technology involves removing the brain from the body, keeping it alive and unformed, preserving the mind and soul... Oh, good, soul transplants.

As if there's any science in souls. And then encasing the brain in a portable life support system that takes over all the functions of the old organic body performed. The brain is wired up with a brain computer interface. Brain computer interface. Oh, my God. Hey, I'm buying it so far. Yeah, you should be, because this is real and true. Which allows a computer to sense motor commands to tell the body to move and feed sensory data back to the brain.

This assembly is then installed in a synthetic total body prosthesis. The finished cyborg is called a Cytran, and the Cy-Tran that will be created on the larger side. Cy-Tran size will get smaller as the technology is refined and compacted, also invented. So they're not even

kidding themselves. Yeah, we're going to be fat. Even in our robot ideal bodies, we're going to be fat. I wish we weren't, but come on.

I really like this scientific way of explaining things. So how does an airplane work? Well, you go really fast, and then you're in the air. Any other questions?

Well, what do the Psy-Trans look like? You know, dragons and shit. Any other questions? Okay, that's good enough. I want to be a shit-trans. Is it free? If you're talking about money, yes. If you're talking about dignity, it will cost you everything.

Malatorian economics are the opposite of the capitalist system, and we reject money and the idea of private property. I live in your house now. We find greater happiness and fulfillment without such things. The price for becoming a Cytran is measured in the requirement to join our society, your loyalty to that society, and the eventual requirement that you relocate to Malatorra and find your new home with our community,

which is more freedom-loving than any other nation in the UN. Generally speaking, it's a huge trade-up. Also, just having a dragon in our society is priceless in itself, and worth any cost. Is it free? We have a dragon! It costs you dragon. So they're a small, anti-capitalist

nation. That's worked out really well in the past. You know, that's a good plan. Is it free? You can't put a price on being a dragon. That's like out really well in the past. You know, that's a good plan. Is it free? You can't put a price on being a dragon. That's like trying to own a rainbow. Come on now. So, what are the benefits of becoming a psytran? Well, let me give you a couple bullet points

here. You can customize it to be any appearance imaginable. Right? They're very durable. They're extremely hard to kill. Armor-piercing ammunition you would need in order to kill one. I mean, you can kill them. When would you be in a situation

where someone would want to shoot you with armor-piercing ammunition? You'd be surprised. Like, are any of these D&D nerds, like, cops or soldiers or anything? Like, why the fuck would they care? I know video games have full metal jackets. Anyway, you can repair your Cytran body.

Fine, right? You're very strong. Cytran muscles have a strength-to-weight ratio of about 20 times greater than that of a human's or any organic animal. Also, if you decide to be an ant, Cytran, then it's even more multiple. It's like four billion. Longevity. Cytrans will have infinitely long

lifespans with no maximum age. They remain forever young and vibrant. While they can be killed by sufficient force, they do not age like humans do. They are biologically immortal. You get that? Understand? Okay. Three sexes are possible. Yeah, now you're interested.

Okay. Male, female, and synchronous hermaphrodite. Got them both. Alright. Yeah. All functional, but sterile. Oh my god. So you can fuck yourself, but you can't

No, please read the next, please read the part in the parentheses. Well, fertility may be added later. At which point dragons would birth live young, like mammals. Just to make sure you, you know, the dragon part, that's what we were all wondering about. Making sure dragons could have dragon beards. Also, psytrans can change

their sexes if they wish. Flight. I'd like to pass a bill that dragons can lay eggs. We'll take that under advisement. You can fly if you're a dragon. Your senses are really good. That's fun, right? You're immune to all disease and toxins. Most, well, most toxins.

I seem to qualify my statement immediately. You can adapt to any environment. Then the next thing says the Viter. The Viter. The Viter. The Viter. A full immersion reality playground like being inside a video game.

That was just a sentence. I don't know. I just typed a bunch of things and I hadn't mentioned video games in a while. So... So anyway, you can get surrogates. Telerobotic remote control bodies.

It's like the... It's like robot body, you get a smaller robot body. It's the robot of the week, like on Yetta Man. You too can live in a bad Bruce Willis movie. Anyway, there's also limited shapeshifting capability, because why the fuck not? And more! Well, with all those advantages,

please sign me up for the libertarian island of Dr. Robo Moreau. What's the first bullet point on one of the drawbacks? Uh, yes. What, if any, are the drawbacks? Well, it can't be done right now. But 25 years from now, the likelihood is extremely high that Psytrance will be operational. Okay, as long as you're optimistic. Normally, you're really a skeptic. Also, there might be some

conflict with fearful humans after word gets out that psy-trans are real, and there could be violent confrontations and maybe an all-out war. Yeah, yeah, probably. Any other questions? Well, are they robots? No!

And this is a rather sensitive issue for us. What? A robot is controlled by computer hardware and software. Psytrans would be cybernetic organisms, cyborgs. Calling them a robot would be akin to calling a human a monkey. God damn it. So good, so they've developed their own, like, like, epithets.

Because monkeys are controlled by computer hardware and software? As far as I understand, yes. Yeah, only the ones that have the symbols and they do a backflip every four. So, what about emotion? The senses? Pain? You know, other shit? Well, PsyTrain technology is meant to

enhance the quality of life, not take things away. Next question. It sounds like reincarnation and I know a lot about reincarnation because I used to be a dragon myself. It does, doesn't it? Next question. Where or what is

Malatorra? Malatorra is what we have named our adopted homeland. It is a good-sized island in the Gulf of Guinea, off the western coast of Central Africa. Do not ask for further details, as we will not give out the precise GPS coordinates to anyone outside of our community. This is for our protection,

much like how you would not give out your home address to everyone you met online and on the street. At this time, we like our privacy, and we are not interested in tourists. But you still give your... But you still... Give your home country. Yeah, and you don't actually live there.

I have questions. Yeah. Odds are good that your question has already been answered in our stupid wiki. I wish that really said that. So, you seem friendly enough and stable enough. Where do I sign up? What if I change my mind?

Step-by-step instructions are located at this link. Do not share any personal information collected in the immigration process, but need it to easily identify you when you come to Malatorra. There's a pronoun missing in that one. Yeah. Joining our society will provide all the confirmation anyone needs. And if you don't like what you see, you can simply opt to leave. You can pack your bags whenever you're ready.

There's no pressure to leave right away. We'll let you know when it's a good time for relocation and even help you out as much as possible. Until then, just keep living your life normally. That's a drag. And then Boots, you need to read the addendum, please. Addendum. Due to the recent influx of trolls, haters, naysayers, spammers, and morons who just can't hit their back

button without spouting their mouths off and complaining and attacking what they do not and clearly do not want to understand, any further insults, slander, hate speech, and blatantly infamatory comments will be hidden and the use will be blocked. Spam will be reported and the DA staff will notice, so don't spam. You have the right to disagree. We respect that right. You do not have the right to force your opinion upon others,

nor may you use intimidation or bullying tactics to coerce anyone. Those who read this journal must be permitted to make up their own mind about the project, free from the influence of others. Let's keep this journal and be permitted to make up their own mind about the project, free from the influence of others. Let's keep this journal and comments informative, thoughtful, and civilized. If you can't say something nice, ask relevant questions, or use constructive criticism, just do the easiest thing. Go back to browsing

DeviantArt. You're not going to be able to convince anybody You're not going to be able to convince anybody in our group that they're wasting their time, because they have all seen our community and they know the truth about the project. So don't waste my time or theirs, and don't waste your time posting insults here. Anything you can complain about has probably already been addressed by now anyway, so your complaints are simply redundant. Those who have joined our society as a result of this journal are very happy they have done so,

and none have expressed any doubts that what they did was in their best interest. For everyone else who is not so judgmental, a dragon hater like these clowns, Yeah. Haters, dragon haters, but a dragon hate. I invite you to visit our forums, ask some questions, make up your own minds, exercise your free will, and decide what's best for you. That is all. Smile. And there we go.

Round about an hour of shit that will never happen. Booch, what'd you learn this week? Dragons are awesome. Yeah, but you knew that already. Right. Okay. I guess I learned that the only thing holding us back to unlimited scientific progress is nation states. Sure. I think democracy and federations of countries

are really just holding back progress. Right, right. Any small group of scientists, unhindered by the United Nations breathing down their backs, will be able to develop technology way beyond our imagination. That's true, because health and safety gone mad.

I mean, that's always creating problems with scientific progress. And then basing your economy on shit like food or products or finance. That's all bullshit. I think you should really just have an economy based on deviant art drawings. Right, right, exactly.

And we have actually noticed that there's been a lot of fan art that you guys have been producing for the F+, and it warms our cockles. It's delicious. It's really, I don't know what a cockle is, but I've noticed that it gets a lot warmer when there has been fan art. So please, please, by all means, do continue with that stuff, because we like it a lot. That all is available on thefpl.us. We are always taking submissions for what you think.

We are always taking your comments, even if you don't like our shit, because that's fine with two of us. Yeah, we love it, we read it, we reply, we sometimes get angry about it. It's all good. And then we just take a nap and then feel better afterwards. Right. And until next time, keep fighting that fight. Watch out for dragons. And lemon is going to be a lemon.

Creative. This is pretty good. Wait, does that mean you're going to be the.... Creative. That's pretty good. Wait, does that mean you're going to be a fruit, or is that your robot body will have bad parts and won't work? This could be the 2002 Volkswagen Golf.