The F Plus - 70: The Ace and Cakes

Episode Date: April 5, 2012

Hoosier biologist and unbelievable superpervert Alfred Kinsey believed that human sexual proclivities could all be charted on a seven point scale, from fully hetero to fully homo. Further, he attested that the majority of the species drifted towards the middle - in a grey area between gay and straight. But there's an oft-forgotten classification in this scale of sexuality, and that is for people who are completely dismissive of the whole affair altogether. I'm talking about the asexuals: people so unconcerned with sexual pursuits that they are free to spend their time more wisely, like telling the internet how unconcerned they are with sexual pursuits. This week, The F Plus doesn't even know what you're talking about. No really!

Doesn't it move your thing? Doesn't it? Sorry. Doesn't it? No, don't move it there. This is getting hot. When you just give love And never get low

You'd better let love depart I know it's so And yet I know it's so, and yet I know I can't get you out of my heart. Hey there, this is the F Plus

podcast, Terrible Things Read With Enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. And I'm Portex. How you doing today, Portex? Oh, you know, I have something really important to share. Kind of nervous, but yeah. I'm Lemon. I'm coming out.

Oh. Oh, I didn't... Because I know you've had boyfriends. I didn't know you were gay. What? No. Gay? No? No, I'm not gay. Well, okay, whatever. Yeah, it's fine. No, no, no. Not bi. No, I'm ace. I don't know what that means. You're a cable award from the late 90s?

Well, yeah, but also, I'm asexual. Uh-huh, yeah. What? What does that mean? Oh, that's, oh, oh, man, I get to tell you, yay. See, asexuality is, well, you know like the sexuals kind of just mindlessly fuck each other all the time?

Just 24-7, they just fuck anything that moves? Well, I don't do that. So, so you're not, you don't have a dick in you right now, is that what you're saying? Right. Well, okay, but neither do I, so I don't know that you necessarily should define your whole lifestyle around this idea. Excuse me? No, it's not a lifestyle. It's just a thing that, you know, perhaps maybe your sex drive is different than other people's, and that's not some sort of, you know, defining thing that you need to fucking join a support group or some shit.

No, no, no, listen to me, Luma, no, no, I've had it with yousexuals. You have constantly decided to, you know, inflict this asexual erasure on me. No, we are here, we're not queer, well, we're kind of queer. But we're here. We're not having sex. Get used to it. Alright? Does your community, I'm assuming you have a community here. Do you guys all

have political screeds and web comics? Yes, of course. A bunch of links right here. The Asexual Visibility Network. I want to know. So just hand over any sort of course. See, look, a bunch of links right here. Right here, the Asexual Visibility Network. No, because I want to know. So just, yeah, hand over any sort of links. Yeah, well, here you go. Here's all the links you could possibly ask

for. There you go. Alright, okay, that's all I needed. Readers, assemble! Never trust a sexual again. In the room tonight, we have Esvan. If only Facebook would let me be in a relationship with myself. That would be nice. Dog! I'd rather watch the doctor on BBC than having sex and getting

dirty. PORTEX? Hey guys, the cake is alive! Fuck you, no! Boots. Gosh, I hope I never get a blowjob. And lemon. I want somebody to go down on me! Since I fell for you All right, so this is the world of asexuals. Indeed. We are going to start out by defining our terms. If you will give us the definition of the word asexual. Oh, dear.

Asexuality. An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community. Each asexual person experiences things like

relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently. No no thing is happening again. Slap at the penis until it goes away It's just making it worse Asexuality does not make our lives

Any worse or any better We just face a different set of challenges Than most sexual people Citation needed Oh, you'll see Asexuality is distinct from celibacy or sexual abstinence, which are

behaviors. While asexuality is generally considered to be a sexual orientation. You couldn't keep a straight face on say that? By asexual. Which direction is that on the sexual orientation compass? Is it just spinning around in place?

The enemy's vagina is down. Some asexuals do participate in sex for a variety of reasons. These people don't know what asexual means. I'm just going to participate in sex. I don't really care about it.

It's not a big thing for me. No, I didn't fuck him. I to participate in sex. I don't really care about it. You know, it's not a big thing for me. No, I didn't fuck him. I just participated in sex. The A in asexual stands for apathetic. Okay. Yeah. All right, this episode's over. What's next?

We're just bad lays is all. All right. All right. Well, would you also define what arousal is? Also, get the punctuation correct. A

arousal. A arousal. For some, for some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Sure, why not?

I got a boner and I'm just gonna deal with it! Some asexuals will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure. Food. Food. Yeah. Note.

People do not need sexual arousal to be healthy. But in a minority of cases, a lack of arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal can be the symptom of a more serious medical condition. If you do not experience sexual arousal or if you suddenly lose interest in sex, you should probably see a doctor just to be safe. A sexy doctor. I must be missing

a piece of this puzzle. Everybody on this wiki needs to see a doctor. Sexual arousal, it is perfectly normal. By the way, it is totally not normal. Hold on. Is that saying if I don't experience sexual arousal from this wiki article? Yes.

That's called feeling asexy. Okay. All right. So there's so much here. I think demisexual. All right. All right, so there's so much here. I think demisexual. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Demisexuality. A demisexual person is a person who does not experience sexual attraction

until they form a strong emotional connection with someone. Yeah, that's weird. This is just average. Yeah, sometimes that happens. Nope, that's a confrontation. You shut your mouth. Let's pretend this is a thing and continue. I will not stand for your asexual erasure boots.

So clear what you're talking about. Often, but not always, in a romantic relationship. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being halfway between sexual and asexual. Nevertheless, this term does not mean that demisexuals have an incomplete or half sexuality, nor does it mean that sexual attraction without emotional connection is required for complete sexuality.

In other words, we're normal. We're normal, and we want attention. In general... What is a complete sexuality? Like a unit? One sexuality. Order one, one in parentheses sexuality. No, I guess I should explain

at this point that the asexuals think that to be sexual is to have sex just mindless, just brainless fucking 100% of the time, just all the time. Okay. Only wanting to have sex with people that you care about is weird and makes you a special snowflake. I'd like to order one sexuality, please.

Hold the onions. In general, demisexuals are not sexually attracted to anyone of any gender. However, when a demisexual is emotionally connected to, usually in love with, but sometimes feel strongly as friends, someone else... What the hell? Demi experience sexual attraction and desire, but only towards the

specific partner or partners. Demisexual sentences writing can do also very well. This has also reduced it to the fact that it's people who have sex only with people they like. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There's no hate fucking going on here.

Yeah, that makes them weird. It falls under the queer umbrella, asshole. When describing demisexuality as an orientation to sexuals, sexuals often mistake it as an admirable choice rather than an innate orientation. I haven't seen anything here that's admirable. Yeah, oh, it's totally admirable. Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain. They simply lack sexual attraction

until a close relationship is formed. Wait, did this just say sexuals as in like a derogatory term? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This should be the wiki article on sexuals, and then there should be another one on omnisexuals, which is apparently what asexuals think everybody else is.

Oh boy. Skipping down a bit, this is some of the problems that they face here. Demisexuality may make forming romantic or sexual relationships more difficult for some people. Yeah. Citation?

If you don't fuck me right now, I'm leaving you. Yeah, exactly. Demisexuals often make first impressions with sexuals of just being friends, which may make the sexual value, may make the sexual value the relationship less. It's really confusing

to have an adjective as a noun. Yeah, it is. Yeah, I got really excited when I saw sexual value. I was like, we're going to have lookup tables on this. We're going to calculate the p-value. Oh man, my slide

rule is really excited. I didn't have excited. Demisexuals often have rocky relationships with asexuals because? Demisexuals often have rocky relationships with asexuals because the demisexual's feelings may become more sexualized with time, because they're just playing it up to feel special.

Which the asexual may find inappropriate or unexpected. In either case, having a better understanding of one's own orientation and how it differs from one's partner's orientation may help facilitate communication to clear up misunderstandings. So, yeah, people who only want to, like, aren't comfortable with, I guess, one-night stands or whatever, that's, you know, you can join gay rights groups and, you know. Right. Yeah.

Okay, so that was, obviously, you know, yeah. Uh, okay. So that was, uh, obviously, you know, it's, it's all about, uh,

making stupid terms. So, so we've gone through the asexuals, we've gone through the demisexuals and now there's the gray A's. Aliens. They fuck aliens. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. The rectal probers. Uh, I will take that for myself. Gray A's. Also, gray A's. Second time was with an E.

Just in case you didn't hear that. Asexuality and sexuality are not black and white. Some people identify in the gray, spelled gray gray in some countries. Why does that need to be clarified? You gotta say it with a British accent when it's spelled that way. Okay, okay. Some people identify in the gray spelled, OI-KRI-KI-GRI!

area between them people who identify as gray a can include but are not limited to those who do not experience a sexual attraction but do experience it sometimes. Not normally. Oh! Man. Experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive. Experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them. They don't poke the horn at a

sexy girl on the sidewalk. Are technically sexual, but feel that it's not an important part of their lives and don't identify with standard sexual culture. Sexual culture. Oh, man, that's my favorite culture. Are emotionally asexual, but experience sexual feelings feelings but do not engage in them. They experience but they don't engage in? I'm guessing what they mean is

I want to have sex with someone but for some reason I can't. I keep saying engage but it's not working. Sexuality engage. Incidentally with the gray A's that means

there's actually a large amount of men who are straight and only want to have sex with women but only they just only sometimes want to have sex trying to join gay and lesbian groups because my orientation falls under the queer umbrella

because I only kind of want to have sex with women sometimes and then they get mad that the gay people are like, no, go away. Can I join your gay group? Are you gay? No? God, what an asshole. What the fuck does that matter? You people are exclusionist.

Yep. I'm being persecuted. And why isn't there a Miss White America? Oh. Alright. Now let's deal with some stupid idiots. Alright. Because we haven't done that yet.

These are the incredibly ace moments. Alright, so I'll start this out. You star, here star, but star, do star, you star, listen, no star. Remember all those double on top Wait, no, it would be

remember all those double entrees that went over your head? How about that sex joke a friend told at a party that had to be explained to you? Or that dull, irritating sex scene in an otherwise good movie that all your friends said was hot? Discuss your most ace of asexual moments in this thread. Here's one of mine. I was watching X-Men with a group of friends, and Wolverine was running around in the basement of Xavier's school without a shirt.

I went, for crying out loud, Wolverine, get a shirt on. My friends, Chorus, no, Wolverine, keep your shirt off. The end. So the problem here is that everyone else is, you know, being unreasonable. Yeah. Yeah. They want Wolverine to be cold. Yeah.

You could get hurt without armor, Wolverine. God. There's this really big undercurrent that I'm seeing so far. People just wanting everyone to know how asexual they are. Shut your mouth, Ms. Fahan. That's not going to be it. I love classifying shit, and I'm this specific way. That is not going to be a recurring theme.

That's not. Yeah. What are you... God, Ms. Fahan. I'm J specific way. That is not going to be a recurring theme. That's not. What are you talking about? I'm Juson. I'm a person named Ten. I remember when I was younger and I watched Hocus Pocus for the first time and I had no idea what virgin meant.

I asked my dad and he said that he would have the talk with me and to think of as many questions as I could. So I asked what a virgin was, which is the only question I could think of because I didn't know what a virgin was. And he told me.

Then I asked if I wanted to know anything else. I told him I didn't. And I went to go re-watch the movie. Clearly a sign that I was asexual from birth. I was a little kid and I don't understand. Yeah, I was a little kid and I can't comprehend the idea of sexuality so clearly I was asexual from the moment I was born.

Well, sure. I mean, when that child was born, it wasn't horny. So, asexual. Yeah, it wasn't horny, so asexual. Yeah, he wasn't a boy horny. You star, here star, butt star, do star, you star, listen. No, star just to throw you off at the end there. When my parents first gave me The Talk, which I barely remember, I immediately found it completely irrelevant.

I even forgot what sex was called, and my parents had to give me rehashes of The Talk three times before I started remembering. Listen, you're going to sit down and learn sex from us. I'm going to talk to you about penises, dammit! I once asked a classroom teacher how early humans first knew how to have sex, since why would you do it if you didn't know it was necessary for reproduction? Yes, why would you?

Oh, Jesus Christ. In middle school... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is this necessary for the continuation of the species? Because otherwise I want no part of it. It's like, man, this just seems like a bother. Why would anybody do that?

Think of all the other stuff we could be doing. I've already eaten. I'm fine. In middle school, when I overheard a guy explaining the fact that he was dating a girl because she had a nice body, I was disgusted, and it became lodged in my head that any person who found another person sexually attractive was a pervert. Side note, nobody's ever been a pervert around me. It's just a weird coincidence. I'm glad they're so supportive. Yeah.

When one of my friends lost her virginity at 14, I was ranting about it to my mom. She says he loves her, but how could that be? I was ranting about it to my mom. She says he loves her, but how could that be? If you love someone, why would you do something with them that could get them pregnant or sick with an STD? My mother replied, some people see it as an act of love. I retaliated crossly, mom, that makes no sense. Crossly.

Argument defeated. Take that, mom. P.S. I don't know how people work. My name is Aoi Kiwi. I remember this conversation from high school. Me. I must have heard that wrong, right? Guy friend.

No, you heard right. Me. Really? Why the heck would you have corn on your computer? Like, a can of corn on top of your computer? Guy friend. Uh, what? No, porn.

Pornography. Me. Cornography? Fuck you, you lying asshole! I'm asexual and bizarrely stupid. I think he was playing the porn-corn game where you replace porn with corn or whatever it is. My hormones don't work and neither do my ears. I remember

that somehow I managed to convince myself that it was a news study involving green energy. It made total sense at the time. What do you call that? The opposite of a Freudian slip. An anti-Freudian slip? Uh, no, it's just you being ugh. Being an idiot.

Yeah. Oh, I don't even know. I'm not interested in sex. I don't even know what sex is. Why would you even say those weird words? I don't get it. I was twirling my gum while I said this. Hola, me llamo Santanico.

Okay, see, I was 15 and friends talked about masturbation. What was that word one more time? Masturbation. Okay. I'm very curious

now. What's that? I don't remember exactly how they explained it, but I understood it involves touching your penis. Back at home, I was eager to try it, but nothing happened. Fifteen? Master Bastion, si, si. Why do you talk about Master Bastion so much? What happened? Master Bastion, si, si. Why do you talk about Master Bastion so much?

Was it supposed to open the portal? Yeah, I think he just poked it with his finger and he expected some sort of like Ark of the Covenant type shit or something. I don't get this. No entiendo, no, I understand. No understand Master Bastion. No comprende that you mean. No comprehend the master passion. Weekend.

I went to a nightclub with a friend of mine. Afterwards, he insisted to come along with him into a brothel. I couldn't resist. I don't recall exactly, but I think he even had sex with one of the prostitutes or whatever. Holy shit! Why else would you go to a brothel? It's like, whoa, whoa,

I didn't know you were actually going to get down with a prostitute here at this brothel. I didn't sign on for this. Sometimes when he goes to coffee shops, he orders coffee. My friend is weird. You don't even know that girl. That's why I'm demisexual.

Alright, I'm Val. A bunch of friends playing that game Dirty Minds. Oh, I remember that game. Accidental callback. It's a bunch of cards with questions on them that are supposed to make you think of dirty things when the answer is always very tame. I always

win this game. Happy, happy face. What vibrates and goes between your legs? Motorcycle! A premature evacuation. A fire drill. That doesn't really work, but... The only problem is that I usually don't get what everyone is thinking of,

so it's a very boring game for me. What a wonderful story. Hey, I'm Billy. Hey, Billy, you sound kind of down. Uh, no, I'm down. I just play that all the time. Like most asexuals, I'm Billy. Hey, Billy. You sound kind of down. Uh, down? Down? You just point that all the time. Yeah. Like most asexuals, I'm sure.

All right. So I got a little transcript for you here. Okay. Sounds good. Okay. A friend. Hey, you got something on your hair. Me.

What? What? Friend picks up the something and shows me a small sticker with a G on it. Probably from a t-shirt I had tried on previously. Is this still part of the dialogue? Yes. No, that's narration. Oh, okay.

Friend, now we know where your G spot is. She knows I'm ace. Which is relevant to this. And that made us laugh so hard that day. Why? Laughy face. She would have put this

on Trooper Tales except they shut it down. First of all, that's a shitty joke. And secondly, if you're asexual, you shouldn't have got that joke.

Well, uh, well, Lemon, you should read your got that joke in the first place. Well, uh, well, uh... Tripped over yourself. Lemon, you should read your character's response to that, then. Oh. I just had another ace moment. I have no idea what the above post is talking about. Yes, I'm sure that's true. Wow.

You said something sexual. I'm ignorant to it Just want to point that out I don't know what a people is Not understanding you over here Me? Yeah, crazy cat lover This morning, I dropped by my sister's dorm To ask if she needed the car today

I noticed that her roommate's Katie, the side of the room Was completely empty and asked Is Katie coming back? My sister said that Katie wasn't sure I noticed that her roommate's Katie, the side of the room was completely empty, and asked, Is Katie coming back? My sister said that Katie wasn't sure. Later, while walking into the bookstore, a young woman stopped us to ask if we could fill out a survey for her psychology class.

Oh my god, when does your story start? Well, turns out it was pictures of men's torsos with the rating scale underneath each one. Hello, human flesh. Hello. Hi. I rank all but two of them as neutral. Those two got a negative rating.

I did tell the woman that I was asexual, and she said that it would make her results better. That's good. What the fuck? What? Shortly after that, I had another ace moment during the following conversation. Sis, my boyfriend is coming over tonight. He'll probably crash in my room. Me, oh, that's right.

You have the extra bed now. Referring to Katie's bed. Sis, well, he's probably going to crash in my bed. Me. Ooh. Pause while I think about how uncomfortable it would be to fit two people on a twin bed. It's really obvious that I'm asexual, isn't it? Sis, yes.

Where are the cats? Let us again reiterate that I am asexual. Over here. Best you forget. Yeah, it's just like, oh, what? People would stay in the same bed. I don't get it. Because I'm asexual.

There were no cats in that post, and I am disappointed. I can believe that Little Gruesome from the Wacky Races is asexual. I was thinking Ren. Yeah, she had a little bit of Ren there. Or Peter Lorre, maybe. I'm Nox Rocks My Socks. There's three X's in my name, but ignore that.

You don't understand what that means. I had another one last night. I was at a party with a few of my old high school friends. High school is the name of the high school I attended because it's capitalized. Well, whatever. Go fighting students! Nice.

Who I hadn't seen in a while. I was already expecting a lot of sex talk, because they're filthy sexuals now, because of the people there, but apparently, I still fell short. At one point, one of my buddies walked in with a big rainbow lollipop in an unusual shape. My first thought was that it was in the shape of a bone,

but she had already dissolved the top part so it looked more like a bubble letter T. Jesus Christ. So in conclusion from that, in order, they're all laughing because a bone is an unusual shape for a lollipop? They're usually Mickey Mouse heads or spirals or things like that, not a bone.

Fuck! Number two, they're laughing way too hard for that. Three, well, bone is a sexual term. Maybe they're laughing at that. Number four, eh, that's too roundabout. They probably wouldn't be laughing at that. Number five. Maybe it's not

in the shape of a bone. Maybe it's something else. I'm picturing this list like appearing inside of a thought bubble over there. Little flat cartoon. One by one. Number six. Oh, fuck! It's in the shape of male genitalia, isn't it?

Yay! Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yes, yes it was. This whole thought process took about 15 to 20 minutes. Holy shit! It took the others about two seconds, if that. One of them had bought it as a joke gift from Spencer's, I think.

These people want so badly to be broken. Yeah. I fell down the stairs 27 times For being asexual They sure do like to Shove themselves into sexuals lives Yeah Why can't I just avoid everyone Alright Stog

Yeah you are the saint of owls. Oh, hello! I am the owl saint. I am the saint of owls. Just- I'm picturing an owl with a big miter on its head and a golden halo behind it.

That would be so cute! Kiss the ring. Also kiss the scat. Holy pellets. Just recently, several overly suggestive commercials came on within a short time frame. The first was an Arby's commercial

showing a couple in the bedroom dressing the women up as an Arby's worker with a tray of food to get the guy excited then the Arby's hat appeared above the guy's head as phallically as possible the other commercial was about a guy and his other talking about their sex life and a male enhancement pill I don't even know how that works. When I get a boner, I'm thinking Arby's. I don't get a boner when I think of Arby's. I was thoroughly skeeved by both and started protesting them. And my family simply told me to shut up and get over it. Started protesting them in the living room Just standing up and shaking their fists

What does your protest mean? I'm capping out in front of the TV I like the idea of that kid just being like Ew why are they even showing a pretty lady On TV and his parents just being like Shut up Michael God fucking just shut up Occupy living room.

That's pretty much what I do every day. 30 years of going strong. Just going into this, I didn't think that... I mean, I knew these people would be, like, a little strange. I didn't think they would be like quite this insufferable how long have you been on this podcast I don't know hope springs eternal strange attention whores

love brings such misery and pain I will never stop complaining. There are basically two types of sexual people. The ones who have sex with everything that has an excrescence slash a hole and don't take the thing too seriously. And the ones who are waiting for their first time with their right one

and try to convince you that having sex is an act of love. So you believe that 50% of all sexuals are bestials as well? Apparently. Okay. Is that like Dungeons and Dragons? No, no asexuals. Some things aren't Dungeons and Dragons. I know this is hard.

I can't even think of one. You shut up. I kind of prefer the first type. At least they don't deny that sexual attraction is something completely normal to them and also part of their basic instincts. There's no elegant excuse behind their acts and intentions. They're generally really gross people and I find

talking with them really annoying. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! They never quote Monty Python. I can deal with them somehow. If they don't send me pictures of genitalia what

keep going they do it because he doesn't shut up about it I was about to say if it's even true and they usually do I am disappointed if you did have to be around this guy,

I would send him pictures of my balls. Yeah, you know they're fucking with him when they do that, right? Again, if it's even true. I can't count the number of times I've met somebody and they've instantly sent me nude photos. What is this hairy thing you've sent me?

Oh my god! That's not a rooster. Wait for 15 to 20 minutes while I try to figure out what it is. But I can't stand the second type. They're quite hypocritical, aren't they? They try to justify their basic instincts with this fake excuse of doing an act

of love. Because if you love someone, you must want to have sex with them. And here's a kick in a sexual people's faces. This is really annoying. To me, sex is disgusting. Yeah. When you see it from a distance,

it's always a mechanical and oh really gross act. And I don't really think that love may change it. But they do. See it from a distance? And they want you to believe them and so they start saying a lot of silly and sappy things about how much they love their significant another and blah blah blah they'll wait until their soulmate blah blah blah.

And usually they turn out to be romantic girls slash boy I'd like to kill the chainsaw to porn addicts. I don't get them. At all. Keep going. This is just a random post I wanted to write because I'm a complaining

cat. End of the story! Alright. Are we ready for the Jeff Foxworthy off? cat. End of the story! Alright, uh, alright. Are we ready for the Jeff Foxworthy off? Oh, God. Yeah. Alright, so this is, uh, you know you're asexual when... Okay. Okay. Number 40.

You know you're asexual when you feel like masturbating, but forget to because you get distracted and your fantasies spin off to adventures and fairy tales. That's not asexualism. I told you nothing wasn't Dungeons and Dragons. It's called being too busy.

Right, that was Lord of the Rings. It's fun. You know you're asexual when the thought of eating food lifts your spirit more than seeing your boyfriend slash girlfriend. I sure do feel sorry for whoever that is. Number 136. You know you're asexual when you think a guy is attractive because he's a good dancing partner. It's okay to be attracted to a person because

they dance well. Nope, that's asexual and that's a queer orientation. God. There's so much asexual erasure going on in this episode. I'm so upset. Number 132. You know you're asexual when you

play Never Have I Ever with your friends and they turn it into the dirty version, and you always win because you've never done any of the things they call out. What do you mean win? You get drunk the fastest? You know you're asexual when your boyfriend slash girlfriend slash partner asks you to whisper dirty things in their ear and you whisper garbage,

kitchen, bathroom. Shut up. Shut up. Get out of bed and clean it. The kitchen is dirty. This is like the asexual humor. This is what they use to laugh about. Mm-hmm. I don't love sex, but I do love to laugh.

Number 128. You know you're asexual when people talk about who slept with who, and it doesn't cross your mind that they had sex. That's not asexual! That's fucking retarded. Because you're so asexual the concept of sex doesn't even enter your mind. I mean, come on now.

It's not like they're being willfully obtuse here. Where's that parade? You mean you've been having sleepovers without me? We were gonna play not spin the bottle and everything. The asexual parade is just a bunch of school buses where the windows have been blacked out so you can't see anybody inside.

Also, outside of network television, I don't think people actually say a person slept with another person. That's not conversationally accurate. Well, I mean, this person's never talked to a sexual, so, you know.

I'm sure all their interaction with sexuals has been on TV, which explains why they all think all the sexuals is just a constant, like, spring break movie or something. Number 122. You know you're asexual when all you can think about is cuddling

when you look through the Alan Rickman tag. Why do you want to cuddle with Alan Rickman? Because everyone else wants to have sex with Alan Rickman, but you don't. That makes you weird. That's a Twitter thing, isn't it? Yeah.

This is the hashtag. Harry Potter wants to have sex with Alan Rickman. I understand fiction correctly. Everyone slash Snape. I just want to point out to me that I am correct. Yes. This is an accuracy. Yes.

Number 115. You know you're asexual when you choose which person to date by which will cuddle more. Well, now this is turning into weird cuddle party shit. And that's even creepier. It is, isn't it? Yeah. Oh my god, you've been cuddling? That's gross.

Wait, what's cuddling? You're a cuddler. We're going to classify you as a cuddler. No, I'm a demi-cuddler. I like to think that at these cuddle parties you get kicked out if you get a boner. You're faking it! No, no, no! No, no, no, no!

I can explain. It's like the opposite of being impotent. I got a boner for non-sexual reasons. Oh, yeah, here's a nice one. Pretty indicative of the community. Number 113. You know you're asexual when you face intolerance about your sexuality or lack thereof from your LGBT friends.

Oh, fuck you. You fucking gay community not letting me join just because I'm a girl who only has sex with guys only sometimes. God. Number 111. It's not a number.

It is now. I'm anumerical. I don't know what that number is. Ha ha ha. Eleventy-first. One hundred and one-y-one. One hundred and one-y-one. You know you're a sexual one. A guy friend makes a joke about using semen as a facial cream,

and the thing you focus on is how he totally managed to shave his face well for once. What? I don't pay attention when people talk. I'm asexual. Number 95. You know you're asexual when you've had dreams

where you are running from strippers slash naked people or just places related with sex in general. Isn't this supposed to be a humor list? Why am I running away from places? Because they're associated with sex. It's got Baba Yaga chicken legs and it's coming for you. The bathhouse is chasing me Fuck sex Sex Fuck sex

Finally Number 78 You know you're asexual when Dan Savage says you shouldn't Infl inflict yourself on a non-asexual person by being in a relationship with them. Double negative. Non-asexual. Yeah. I don't understand what they're trying to say. Because Dan Savage said that asexual people need to tell their boyfriends and girlfriends early on that they're never going to have sex with them, so that way they won't expect that. So they don't go barking

up that tree that has no leaves on it. Yeah and so they all flipped out and they're like I shouldn't have to come out of the closet to anybody I don't understand. So you know there's that. Alright so then what is this relationship misunderstanding? Okay

so what's going on here is this girl is asexual and aromantic and just like how asexuals think all sexuals are just fucking each other constantly, aromantics don't want to date

but they believe that all dating is just like schmoopy doopy like I love you, everything is heart-shaped cookies and shit. So, she wants to be with, but not actually date,

this male friend of hers, and he doesn't understand in what capacity she wants to be with him, and so this is what results after she gets really mad at him about this. Okay. So the problem is this. The asexual or aromantic person felt as if the relationship was already at that level of partnership because to them, they didn't even want sex and or

the romance. And if they do want romance, often their idea of romance doesn't look much different than what it already had going on in this friendship. Even if the friendship wasn't romantic to the asexual slash aromantic person, they could still see themselves happily committing to their sexual friend in platonic love and being partners anyway. The friendship continued. It included compatibility, fun, affection, talk, quality time, maybe some touching, support, emotional attachment, etc.

Everything you needed to be life partners with someone, right? Not to the sexual person. What's missing from that perfect formula? Not to the sexual person. What's missing from that perfect formula? So the asexual or aromantic person suffers, and the romantic slash sexual person, if they are allowed to know about that suffering,

doesn't get it, because they thought it was just a friendship. And why should their friend be upset if they start dating slash fucking slash prioritizing somebody else? That's the normative thing, after all. And the even sadder thing, talking about the relationship honestly won't help in most cases because this comes down to an incompatibility of social desires

and view of relationships. The asexual or aromantic person will say, I love you, you're the most important person in my life, I want to be with you, live with you, whatever. And the sexual person will say, I love you too, you're my good friend, I really value our relationship, so what's the problem? And the sexual person... Slow i love you too you're my good friend i really value our relationship so what's the problem and the sexual as slow down no the asexual sorry let me wipe all this froth from around my mouth guy gets down on one knee will you occupy space with me

you seem tense for some reason and the asexual slash aromantic person will say, no, you're not hearing me. I want our relationship to be a committed relationship. I want to live with you permanently. I want us to prioritize each other, etc. And the sexual person will say, I thought we were friends. I thought your feelings were, for me, were platonic. I thought you weren't interested in sex or romance. And the asexual

or aromantic person says, you're right. I'm not interested in sex or romance. And then the sex person says, you're right, I'm not addressing sex or romance. And then the sex person says, so what's your problem? Why can't I date somebody else? Why does it matter if I put my romantic sexual partner first? That's what you're supposed to do. You can see how fucked it is. I can.

I can indeed. Indeed. So this person wants this other person that they're not sweet on to not have sex with other people for her. Right, so she wanted to move in with this guy and not like date him or have sex with him. She just wanted them to be BFFs forever, but he wouldn't be allowed to date or have sex

with anyone else. Will you walk around and let me look at you? Well, it depends. What do you mean by look? Look at your shirt. I'm asexual. Not I fuck you. Just look at you. It's like, oh, you're still here. Ultimately, the asexual or aromantic person is powerless and has no way of getting what they want out of the relationship.

The romantic-slash-sexual person walks away not having a clue what the whole fuss was about and proceeds to do their thing. What do they want? Ellipsis. Could I just leave a picture of me here with you? Would that do? I'll smile in it unless smiling is too sexual for you. The picture won't pay attention

to me 24-7. It really is all about attention, isn't it? Yep. Yep. Doesn't it now make perfect sense why I've sworn off getting emotionally involved, invested in sexual people forever, whether in friendship

or romance? It's just not worth it. The power dynamic is fucked from the start. Bad ability in worldviews and expectations is virtually unconquerable, and the asexual person, I have always had so much more to lose and more pain to suffer than the romantic

sexual person, so fuck that. Or don't fuck it. I'd rather be happily, let it fuck itself. I'd rather be happily alone forever than fuck with this again. I'm going to love someone, romantically

or platonically. They will have to be asexual or aromantic. Period. Good for you. You're in power. Good luck. And, yeah, that person could actually be an episode all on her own, because, God, this will shock you, but her blog is fucking crazy.

Yeah. Okay, what is going on in this last thing? It's, you know, Tumblr's like a series of shittily laid out blogs, and the thing is, on Tumblr, if you tag something, and you click on that tag, then it pulls up every post on Tumblr that has that tag. So these are some posts under the asexual tag, posted by actual asexuals, and they're all pretty great. So who do we start with? Boots. Boots. They're numbered.

What's the problem? I read it. You don't have to understand it, you just have to read it. One. Well, the ace community has Emily Autumn. The queer community has Tattoo or some shit. Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Capital T, lowercase t. It's the Russian exploited not lesbian girls that are in no way a representative of them. No, no, no, no. They're pretty much the spokesmen.

Like, the spokespeople for the GLBT community. Like, they spokespeople for the GLBT community. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Like, they're always in, like, the pride parades. Right. Okay, those of you in the GLBT community who believe that Ace is doing this are secretly straight or otherwise belong to your community. Now that I identify as demisexual, I'll leave.

Seriously. I'll stop calling myself queer or part of your community in any way, shape, or form. In exchange, you could all start a fund to give me back the hundreds of dollars I dumped into your activist groups for your civil rights, since your rights obviously had nothing to do with my rights and mean nothing to me. Sound fair? Yeah, because the

only people that should commit that should contribute to the civil rights of others are the people that are actively affected by that thing. And it should always be refundable. I wouldn't have given you guys money if I had known I wouldn't get anything out of it. Neither do I want to be in a purely sexual relationship because I don't see that working out.

That said, I want someone to go down on me. That's all. Just saying. Why did I type that? He's like looking at his hands. Oh my god. What am I turning into? You betrayed me!

You betrayed me for the last time, Brain. I'm on a blowjob. No! About the post on music sexuality, I think it's highly possible. Pause for laughter. I experience something like that towards music as well, but to me, the feeling is much stronger towards excellent food. God damn it!

When I have some exquisite flavors swirling in my mouth, I get what I call foodgasms. Oh, you're good! I identify as demisexual and Paula Deen, I guess. And I swear the sexual energy I get from food sometimes outweighs what I get from my significant other. So I guess that kind of makes me kind of food sexual, too. You know, this is what all food bloggers write like, though. This person weighs 400 pounds.

But the LGBT community and society as a whole has completely forgotten and left behind a group that faces just as much social discrimination, if not more so, than the sexualities welcome to the LBGT community. Nope. Nope. That is most specifically not correct. This is a group that is very often ignored, misunderstood, and discriminated even in communities that should be safe havens for all. Yeah, when is Massachusetts going to pass their non-marriage law? You're required to marry people. Yeah, that's not fair. When is Massachusetts going to pass their non-marriage law? You're required to marry people.

Yeah, that's not fair. So I sat down at the bar and waited for the bartender to serve me, right? Now, I do know that this is a lesbian bar, and I didn't feel quite welcome here as a straight guy. Maybe I'm imagining that, but it wasn't because of my sexual preference. There was definitely some reason why the bartender wasn't very friendly towards me. my sexual preference, there was definitely some reason why the bartender wasn't very friendly towards me. She smiled and talked with the other patrons that were either regulars, friends, or both, but

wasn't nearly as friendly with me. I wonder why. Of course not! Oppression. Oh, goddammit! Don't worry, Lemon, this next one will make you mad. Ugh.

This is why in my own life, I have a rule that I am absolutely stubborn as fuck about. I will not interact with anybody's romantic sexual partner, barring unavoidable circumstances in my biological family, which are rare. Because I don't see my family much, and they don't visit me for some reason. All of my close friends know this rule, and they know it's I don't have any close friends,

but... Right, yeah. And they know... All zero of them. They know it's fruitless to argue with me because I will not change my mind. As far as I'm concerned, they can date and fuck whoever they want, but I am under no obligation to spend any time with those people to meet them, to like them, etc.

If they can't respect that one rule, that one personal boundary, then I have no problem dropping the friendship. I won't tolerate people subordinating me to their sexual interests anymore. I'm sure they have no problem dropping the friendship either. It's like, hey, I no longer want to be... Hello? Hello?

They're running outside. Born free! Dust cloud and human-shaped hole in the wall. Yes! Don't you fucking subordinate me, motherfuckers. Number seven. Given how much hate I get over this, believe me, there is nothing I would like more than to not be dependent on the larger queer community.

But the problem with being a minority is, there aren't that many of you. We can't support physical safe spaces or ace bars or things like that. God, what a cheerful place that is. Where's a bar that you don't have sex in? I don't know. It's a problem, because pretty much every time you go into a bar, you have to strip off.

Yeah. You know. You put your dick in at least four people by the time you're out of there. Or things like that, because there just aren't that many of us, and we're not that concentrated in one area. I am a giant flaming ace. I don't know if that works. I'm a huge nerd.

And the total number of out asexuals I have shared air with is, another incorrect colon, zero. We are in the position where we have no choice but to fall in with other GSMs. Right. We are in the position where we have no choice but to fall in with other GSM's. Right. I, uh, bought you a drink, cause you're looking fine. No, I mean, you're looking fine. You look well. You don't look sick. Oh, girl, you're looking existent.

I brought you a drink because you're a perfectly existent human being. You know what? Fuck the queer community! I'm gonna start my own community called the Decent Fucking Human Beings. Anyone can join as long as you treat somebody with love and respect. If you don't, you get to join the I'm a Bigoted Cunt Community! Sounds fun,

doesn't it? Sounds like a peck of fun, I'll tell you what. So, this person's just... has just assessed the queer community as being bigoted fucks. Yeah. Yeah. Good, okay. I'm having trouble getting media coverage

for my group that has the F word in it. Fact. Okay. The mating ritual for asexual aromantics is a complicated process that has been protected through generations. All the outsiders know is that it involves plenty of cupcakes

and Doctor Who marathons. I think you spelled that incorrectly. I think I was supposed to say asexual aromatics. Aromatics. Also, how could there be generations if they're all asexual? Well, somebody had to take one for the team.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta carry the secret forward somehow. My mom just yelled at me for having three types of cake today. Yeah, I'm as cake today. Yeah, I'm asexual. Oh, Christ. For reasons entirely unrelated.

They, um... Do the logistic impossibilities. They've latched onto cake as being their symbol, so they fucking talk about cake a lot. A lot! That fills the sex-shaped hole in their psyche. Cake.

Yeah. I hosted my after-prom party in June because I live out in the country and we would be able to make a lot of noise. There was, of course, alcohol and we were all rather tipsy, especially me. Near the end of the night, I was just my one friend and I sitting out by the bonfire. We started talking about sexuality, gender identity, all that good stuff.

You're not allowed to get drunk. I hereby decree it's not okay for you to get drunk and then talk about gender identity, you fucking boring person. I was eating cake all through this discussion.

I have cake with me. I have cake on me at all times. I was eating cake all through this discussion. Would you like some gin and cake? And I remember it being absolutely delicious. Now, cake isn't a euphemism for anything, right? Nope, it's cake.

It's a euphemism for cake. It's a euphemism for more cake, for all the cake in the world. It was some of the best cake I've ever eaten, and I ate it with sheer gusto. I have no problem believing that. So the next day, after everyone left, I turned to the cake again. Cake never judges me.

Seeing as how no one else looked like they were going to eat it, I decided to conform to the ace stereotype and stuff my face full of some delicious cake. But once I took a bite, I found that it really was not at all as good as I had remembered it. It was a little bit gross, actually, though not stale at all. Only now, months later, I have realized something. I have discovered the asexual equivalent to beer goggles. Cake goggles. Cake you normally wouldn't enjoy tastes so much better after you've been drinking.

It just makes sense. Nope. I'm not even going to bother. Did they break you? Did they cake you? I'm too small. Okay, number 20. First of all, I would like to coin a new term by announcing that I, ladies and gentlemen, am an asexual slut.

A celibate asexual slut. You go. Oh, Jesus Christ. How is that possible? How is this possible? Can you be a slut without having genital sex? The authors of this book think so, and I rather

think so, too. Being a slut is not just about genital sex. It's about the way that you relate to people and view relationships, too. Horrifying. Genital sex. What's genital sex? Is that like

a bullet point on all porn on the back? Includes genital sex. I have the heart of a slut, although I haven't had much real life practice yet. What this means to me is that I'm someone who rejects love scarcity

conscientious... Who rejects love scarcity consciousness or the starvation economy of relationships, I reject monogamy. What is happening here? I reject monogamy and I instead make myself available to have as much love and intimacy with as many people as I choose at the same time.

Being a celibate asexual slut is emotional sluthood. It's about, it's being slutty about emotional, mental, and spiritual intimacy, even physical intimacy, though not sexual. Alright, are we, uh,

I think we're done? Well, someone has to read 25. I mean, 25? Okay. So this was regarding I think we're done. Well, someone has to read... 25. Four times. 25? Okay. So this was regarding a news article about the last homosexual Holocaust survivor dying. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.

Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. Here's our final fireworks display. Come on. No. Shut up. Oh, shit. This is so touching. This guy seems like a pretty awesome dude. But, and is it just me? Or do people say a lot about the LGBT people who were oppressed during the Holocaust,

but not a whole lot about the asexual and demisexual victims? Shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm not saying it's not awful what happened to gay people back then. I'm panromantic myself. I just, I know people on the asexual spectrum were targeted too, and I wish we had more of a voice. Oh my

God. Yeah. Wow. That's the most irritating thing that we've ever... That is how you kill any shred of sympathy you may have had at any point from anybody. The person later tried to recant it

and said, no, one of my alternate personalities posted that, so that's cool. It's fucking masterful. And that really creative backpedal was, too. Are you okay, Boots? No. Aren't you glad? We all knew at some point this podcast would destroy us all one by one.

Oh, shit. And there we go. Roundabout an hour of boner softening material. Poor Tex, what'd you learn this week? Well, I actually did legit learn something when I was researching this episode. What would that be? That would be that the internet can affect people in ways that they don't even comprehend. That's true.

that they don't even comprehend. That's true. Because people our age, if they grew up with the internet, everyone has that one story of just like, this is the first time I looked for something totally innocent and I found something horrifying on the internet. People being like, this is the first time when I searched for Tiny Toon Adventures

because I remember that show and I liked it as a kid, I found centaur rape inflatable porn. Oh, sure. Like, everyone has that story and a lot of these asexuals are really young and they all think, oh, people who have sex, you know, want to fuck everything and they're total perverts and the thing

is, if you're, like, young and your first exposure to sex is crazy bondage, furry transformation, rape, then you might think, you might think like, Oh,

this is what having a sex drive is. I'm not, I'm not having any part of that. That is, that is totally a valid thing. I mean, you know, obviously,

you know, uh, Calvin and Hobbes was, was totally the shit, but like, but like I like Foxtrot. Okay. You know,

it was, it was definitely the poor man's Calvin and Hobbes, but still not too bad. But, you know, if I would have, at that impressionable young age, come across a situation with, you know, Jason getting that iguana's tail lodged up his ass,

and being really into it, like, I feel like I would have, you know, rethought my relationship about my own ass and iguanas. Yeah, exactly. Which, by the way, thank you for asking. It's fine. Yeah, and I mean, an extension for that, like, the other side of that is that, you know,

if maybe you're, like, you know, young and you're just kind of a late bloomer and everyone around you in your class is like, oh, they're starting to think about sex all the time. You know, the other way that the internet can affect you is that you can go online and say, like, oh, I're starting to think about sex all the time. You know, the other way the internet can affect you is that you can go online and say like, oh, I'm not really into sex right now. And then you have a whole community that tells you,

oh, that's an orientation. You're the most special snowflake ever. Anyone tells you otherwise, they're an asshole. Well, you know, and there's also another thing with, you know, the idea of identity and, you know, straight people aren't marginalized but they are definitely

normative to the point where I can definitely see the impulse of oh fuck being gay seems like so much fun like nobody votes for Rick Santorum everyone fucking hangs out the music is

pretty shitty, but some of it's kind of at least fun. And then sometimes RuPaul isn't there, so you can look forward to those times. But I get that striving to be in that subculture

thingy, but that's only if you belong there. If you want to go to the gay bar as a straight person, go ahead. But if you want to say, like, I'm gay even though I'm not, but how dare

you define me as gay based on who I have sex with? Well, that's what these people have had their entire lives, being defined by who they have sex with. Well, that's what these people have had their entire lives being defined by who they have sex with. It's very confusing. It's just ridiculous. And if you'd like

to shine some lights on us, inform us a little bit about your fucking weird kinks like not... I don't know what weird kinks we're not aware of yet, but I figure we gotta... non-consensual furniture rearranging. Yeah. The poor tax has always been looking for non-consensual furniture arranging.

And, uh, I want to read about it. Uh, so, uh, the website is always T H E F P L dot U S. Uh,

you know, as I, as I've said a couple of times before, uh, we don't charge for the podcast. I really have genuinely no intention of charging people for the podcast. But all I need is just people to leave comments and say they like it. Because really, that sort of little weird boost in my self-esteem, that's the payment that I need.

I need to know that people are listening and care in one way or another. And then I'm fine. Yes, attention is the lifeblood. Absolutely. Why the fuck else would we do this shit? And until next week, try to get it up, won't you? Yeah.

And if you're an asexual and you hate this episode, please let us know. Thanks. Oh, God, yes, please. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I'm only attracted to Demi Moore. All right.

Demi Moore, she was on General Hospital. Right, yeah. G.I. Jane. Yeah. That's how you know you're demisexual. I don't think anyone was attracted to G. Right, yeah. That's how you know you're demisexual. I don't think anyone was attracted to G.I. Jane. I don't think anyone was attracted to her. Never mind. Ashton.

Yeah, that's a good point. I am Ashton Kutcher. That's my sexual orientation. That's what the A in asexual stands for. Would you do me a favor and punch yourself in the fucking mouth? That's for kidnapping Natalie Portman. You got punched in the mouth. I'm going to go kidnap Natalie Portman.

You just got punch-cuted. It's like Punk'd, but there's less set up. Yeah. Just walk up to people and punch them. Alright, here's Big Boy from OutKast. Punch! Watch that show. I would watch that show.