The F Plus - 71: Amazon Recommends Years of Therapy

Episode Date: April 11, 2012

Respected authors and lifelong readers hold differing opinion on the benefits of the kindle. While some bemoan the loss of the tactile pleasures of a good novel, others feel an e-book is a purer manifestation of the written word. Of course, their debate is an irrelevancy. Human society never backs away from a technology for romantic reasons and those who want to do so are usually being nostalgic just because they enjoy being nostalgic. Plus, most people are just reading porn on those things anyway. This week, The F Plus tries to return our inflatable dog.

When my boyfriend became obsessed with other men's cocks, I knew my life was going to change. It's Britney, bitch. I see you. And I just want to dance with you. Hello there! This is the F Plus Podcast, Terrible Things Read with Enthusiasm, my name's Lemon John? Hello there. This is the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things read with enthusiasm. My name's Lemon. John?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm John. I'm sorry. I was just really engrossed in this Kindle single written by Fred Stoller. Oh, okay. What's that about? It's about his time working on Seinfeld. It's really interesting.

And, you know, the neat thing is it's a little thing you can get on your Kindle, read at any time. It's only a buck. It's pretty cool. So real stories? You like real stories? Yeah. What is it? That's fascinating.

Okay, so it's sort of that untold kind of behind the scenes. Yeah, exactly. Is it like sort of a lot of dirty secrets? I wouldn't call them dirty. It's an interesting inside take. Like things with, you know, like maybe some things that happened that were a little kinky. I think you're trying to... Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Oh, God. I don't know what you're trying to do here, but I think I do. Wait, well, hang on. Okay, so you are reading on a Kindle, right? Yes, okay. I am reading on a Kindle. So, therefore, the books that you're reading are... they all have cum slut, the books that you're reading,

they all have cum slut in the title, right? Well, not all of them. Not even most of them. What are you trying to get at? I don't feel like you've been using your Kindle to the proper extent. What, to read books? Okay, yeah, exactly. To read books.

That's the problem. Look, okay, so you know how you go on the internet like an old man, right? And you go, I want to read Harry Potter slash on my monitor while I'm in my Snuggie because I am old and boring, right? Well, you've painted a clear picture, but I don't see what that has to do with anything. So the Kindle's the new way, man. Instead of reading porn on your computer for free, what you do is you read porn on the bus, on your Kindle, and you pay for it. So it's really just an improvement of the genre. Are you with me?

Lemon, did you pay $3 a pop for shitty erotica on Kindle? Yeah, I did. I paid multiple $3, actually. I bought several pieces of assy porn. Okay, look, here's how it works. I paid quite a bit of money for shitty Kindle porn. And I didn't know it was shitty because I thought, you know, I'm going to pay

for it, I'm going to spend money, so therefore the free market would dictate that this porn is good. Sure. Totally not the case. Okay, now I'm in the hole. So what I'm going to do is... I think I know what's going to happen next. Yeah, see, if we put it in an F+, now it's a tax write-off.

Okay, well, if we can help you get out of this episode, now it's a tax write-off. Okay. Well, if we can help you get out of this hole, then I guess let's get into some holes. All right. Well, on the advice of my accountants, readers assemble! Our Ridiculous for the, are Jimmy Franks? While having a shower, I noticed that I had bruising in my ass. Poor Tex. Hmm, fat guy or rapist, which to choose? John!

I'm going to make a Kindle single called Sex, Porn, Penis, Vagina and make tens of dollars. Isfahan! Goldiecocks and the Three Leather Bears by Isfahan coming soon to a Kindle near you. Nutshell Gulag. And Lemon, who had one ridiculous in his pussy and another one in his ass. Adults, I don't understand. Can you Suzanne?

Men are that way. Adults, I don't understand. Can you Suzanne? Men are that way. Sluts in Space by Katie Kramer. Chapter 2. Wake the bitch up. Lion Mane watched as a guard threw a bucket of ice-cold water over Abby's barely conscious body. She gasped, shocked back to reality,

and briefly fought for breath as the freezing liquid poured off her. Her skin-tight outfit, now soaked, clung to her curves and her nipples, hardened from the icy attack, protruded through the fabric. As she flicked her eyelashes to adjust to her surroundings, every part of her body ached. Including her eyelashes. She realized she was shackled, chained at both her wrists and ankles in a standing, spread-eagled position.

That's uncomfortable. She wobbled momentarily on her heels before regaining her composure. She stood proud and strong, despite being at an obvious disadvantage. This, she thought, is inconvenient. She has a gift for understatement. Welcome back, Miss Knight.

Lion Mane scoffed. Your futile rescue attempt has ended in abject failure. And my tiara. Abby looked around. The guards stood without their helmets and were all hairless, each with three eyes. Their noses resembled nothing more than snouts. They were human-like, but certainly not human. I'm Katie Kramer, and I jerk off to weird things.

Three eyes and snouts? They might be human? Oh wait, no, it says here they're not human. She's not bad for an earthling. One of them sniggered. Weird looking, though, said another. Boss, she's only got two breasts. Abby wrinkled her nose in disgust. You're a fine one to talk. Silence!

Lion mane ordered. We are not here to pick over the details of your physicality. If you have come here for the prince, your mission has been doomed. This guy talks like a douche. Well, he is a, you know, sexual predator. I feel like he's got some bad qualities.

Physicality. Prince? Abby replied, her body starting to shake from the ice-cold water. What prince? Lion Mane sighed. Do not treat me like a fool. You are an earth creature, like him. He turned to one of the guards.

Bring him in. Abby watched as a handsome, muscular man was brought into the cold stone-walled room. There we go. So wait, they're in a space medieval dungeon? I guess? Yeah. Yeah. Alright. He was virtually naked with only a loincloth covering his modesty.

Not bad, she thought. Though probably not the best time to ask it out. I like your thought process. Oh no, I'm getting chained and I'm going to get killed. Ooh, hey. Let's see what Cosmo says about this. Things are looking up for me. Everything's coming up, sex slave.

I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Earth Woman. Lion Mane sneered as the guards shackled the man to the opposite wall. He struggled against them, but they shocked him repeatedly with tasers, rendering his efforts futile. You may not recognize Prince Hadrian in his current emaciated state. Abby looked him up and down, his rippling muscles and chiseled six-pack at odds with Lion Mane's words. He looks hot as hell to me. If that's emaciated, you guys need a lesson in torture. Lion Mane reached around and pulled Abby's head back by her hair.

Watch your mouth, woman! He warned. You are in my kingdom now. He looked over at the bound prince and sneered. If this is your savior, you are doomed. I will subject her to unimaginable pain before your very eyes if you don't start telling me

what we've wanted to know all along. He released Abby's hair and walked over to the prince. Lion Mane stood before him, puffed out his chest, then delivered a hard punch to the prince's stomach. He wheezed and coughed at the force of the attack. No!

Stop that, you bastard! Lion Mane turned and advanced at her threateningly. His eyes narrowed and paced slow. You are a brave one, Miss Knight. He growled. But you are foolish! This man is doomed, and so are you! He placed his rough fingers on the zip that sealed her jumpsuit and slid it down.

Her breasts barely covered by the parted fat. No, at least it's modest. I was worried this might get gross, but I think we're fine. Yeah, we're out of the woods. It stopped just above her pubic bone. Good. And he ran a finger down between

her cleavage, tracing her stomach and stopping just above her concealed blank. Yes, anyone? Eyeballs. Weapons permit. Tracing her stomach and stopping just above her concealed pussy. That's okay. Still PG-13.

Women are such weak, ineffectual creatures. He sneered. Your bodies are designed purely for the seduction and gratification of the male. But that is not what I want. Not sure why I'm doing any of this, then. Your sex does not interest me. Again, I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but whatever. Instead, I will use your weakness against you.

He grabbed both sides of her outfit in his fists and suddenly, violently ripped it apart. It tore away from her, exposing her breasts and neatly trimmed pussy. Uh-oh. Now it's ready to dar. Cold air rushed at her pubic hair and folds and Abby started to wonder where this was headed.

Where did the air keep? Do you have like a fan or something on him? Hold on. Let me plug in this pussy fan. It's around here somewhere. I like it because it makes the hair kind of move. It looks like action. Pussy wind tunnel? Amber waves of rain.

Oh, you idiots! The prince coughed. This woman is innocent. Leave her alone. A guard punched him across the face and Abby winced. Poor guy. She's an empath. Still, they don't know how to hit for crap.

Lion Mane turned to the guard nearest the doorway. Bring in the octogasm. Oh, God. Abby narrowed her eyebrows. The what? That's my reaction. You have a weakness, woman. Several, actually.

Eight. To stand before me, proud and erect, your nipples. Apparently your nipples are weak. I'm calling it nipples pussy. They're like glowing red. Like boss battle. Your nipples, ready to be pleasured and milk like the shameless cow that you are. The other is between your legs.

A place of wetness and pleasure that a whore like you cannot deny. He pulled her hair back again. Down to the tops of your legs? I guess it starts at the nipples, and then... They're aliens, so they don't quite understand human physiology. So they just kind of assume. You will give me the information I need, and I will leave you broken and humiliated.

Chill out, lion dude. Like, bro. Abby is adapting to her predicament fairly well. Here, the part of Abby will be played by Keanu Reeves. The King Leonardo. This is the fun 90s version of Sluts in Space. Oh, okay, cool.

Don't be so dramatic. The guard wheeled in a mechanical creature on a gurney. It was huge, a shining metal dome with several steel tentacles rising out of it. Your arrogance will be your downfall, Miss Knight. Lion Mane warned. What is that? This, woman, is the octagasm! Don't you remember

when I told you about it, like, fucking it was three minutes ago, Jesus. Alright, anyway. It has the brain of a human with the ferocity of a machine. Machines are angry. Its steel tentacles will penetrate and arouse you until you give me what I want. The location of the royal treasure.

What? Yeah, that sounds like torture. Okay. What is happening? Gonna make you feel really good until you cough up the info. Again, they're aliens. They don't understand. Either this guy's really good or really bad at torture.

Torture's supposed to feel really, really good, right? That's how that works. Only one way to find out. I know everything I know about your Earth culture. I learned from watching Barbarella. Prince Hadrian shook his head. She doesn't know. He coughed. She's never met me.

I have told you time and again. The treasure was destroyed with the earth. You lie! Lion Mane barked. This earth creature has not arrived here as a coincidence. He flicked a switch on the octogasm and turned to Abby. You will tell me where the treasure is, or this barbaric machine will force the truth from you.

Woohoo! I mean, why is it called an octogasm? Abby asked. Uh, huh? Lion Mane looked at the shackled space traveler bemused. It's only got seven tentacles. Surely an octogasm would have eight. Silence, woman! Should be called a heptagasm.

Rawr! Just saying. Bit of a design flaw. Ah, the word choice jokes. Always a hit. Hey! This is world building. Come on.

The metal tentacles writhed, then swished through the air. One landed on Abby's left breast and began to stroke it before another found her right nipple. breast and began to stroke it before another found her right nipple. The cold steel sent tingles over her goose-bumped skin and her hard peaks became unbearably erect. The suckered metal ends clamped on and sucked at her nipples while two more tentacles stroked at the sides of her

burnt, full breasts. This must be an expensive machine. Like, it's not just phalluses. It's got like tentacles with vacuum inside. I think he must have got it from SkyMuses. It's got, like, tentacles with vacuum inside. I think you must have got it from SkyMall. Ah, yeah, probably. It was a hammocker, schlemmer, octogasm.

That would explain why it's called an octogasm, but it only has seven tentacles. Yes, it also has a wine holder in it. And a little thing where you can hide your keys. Abby tried not to become aroused, but it was impossible. Two more... What? Two more metal arms reached out and curled around the back of her before resting on each buttock,

stroking and pressing against the firm flesh. Her tattered costume hung raggedly as Lion Mane ripped more parts of it away, leaving her virtually naked. Except for her high-heeled leather boots. Whoa! That's not a good idea! At least she has some dignity there.

So was she already like a stripper before she got... Once again, this takes place in Barbarella universe. Now! Oh wait, no, wait. I'm happy now. Now! Lion Mane smiled.

Tell me where the treasure is! When Lion Mane becomes happy, he becomes a robot now. The longest, thickest tentacle of all edged through the air towards her pussy. She was soaking wet. Her folds parted fully. She briefly tried to struggle against the shackles, but it was no use. Oh, now she tries to struggle. Oh wait, this is bad. Oh, God, stop, please.

That looks really cold. Wait a minute, I had no idea one of those seven phalluses would end up in my pussy. What a shock! Her body was tightly spread-eagled and the steel was impossible to break. The shining tip, curved but slightly pointed and phallic, stroked at her drenched labia and inflicted her reddened clit. Her body was being violated at every sensitive point. For once,

she was helpless. For once? She shackled to the fucking wall, was she not? This is all just one event. Before she was using a puppet master defense. I wanted to be shackled to the wall. And you fell for it, idiot!

She looked at Lion Mane, trying to conceal her pleasure with a sneer. The treasure is between my legs, motherfucker. Lion Mane's face filled with anger. Very well! You have chosen arrogance over common sense. Octogasm, destroy her! Octogasm takes verbal commands now. Yes, sir. It's like a Roomba.

It's a Roomba with shit glued on it. Yeah. The right Roomba. I can't believe how well this thing is working. Noodles and slinkies and shit. Sounds like a good pinch. Do people take googly eyes onto the slink too?

Okay, so this is from a book called, and this is why I bought it, A Gang Bang on a Cruise Ship and Hitchhiking. Doesn't seem like there's that many places you need to go on a cruise ship. I was 27 years old when I decided to take a job as a waiter on a cruise ship. I'd lost my job as a waiter in a restaurant a couple months earlier, so when the opportunity came to work as a waiter on a cruise ship, I went for it. Jones, Peter, and Michael were three very sexy men from

different countries in Europe who were employees on the cruise ship as well. Different countries in Europe. From left Europe, north Europe, and Europe classic. Jones was a waiter like classic. Jones was a waiter like me. He was a black guy from London who had just graduated from university.

He had decided to take a year off and travel the world. Working on a cruise ship, he told me, suited him perfectly. I was closest to him than the other two men simply because of the fact that we spent so much time together. We spent at least eight hours each day waiting tables in one This is very erotic prose we got going on here. Oh, it's going to get really hot.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm wondering, is it the main character here that's talking, the narrator or whatever, is this supposed to be a woman? Yeah. Oh, okay. I didn't get that part. He didn't read it in a high-pitched voice, so it's hard to tell.

No, no. Yeah. So that was Jones. Let's introduce you to Peter. Peter worked as a gym instructor on the ship. I first met him when I went to work out in the gym one evening. He immediately took a liking to me and asked to have a drink with me. I refused to have a date with him at first, but then I relented when he kept persisting.

We went on a couple of dates, but I did not go very far with him, at least not yet. Spoilers. Go on a date with me. No. Go on a date with me. No. Go on a date with me. No.

Go on a date with me. All right. But I'm not going to go far with you yet. Go on a date with me. No. Go on a date with me. No. Go on a date with me. All right. But I'm not going to go far with you yet. Okay, so that was Peter. Now let me introduce you to Michael. Michael was the oldest of three men. He was American. He was the captain of the ship.

He was 53 years old and very handsome. He would frequently invite me to the captain's cabin. Few people were ever invited to the captain's cabin, and hence felt very privileged to go there on a regular basis. Michael told me that he was married with three kids. I suppose he felt very lonely because his family was not around. He kept asking me to spend time with him. The way this is written, I feel like this woman is mentally disabled.

Yes, and Michael was from that different country in Europe called America. The above-mentioned three men, Jones, Peter, and Michael, had all something in common. They were all members of the Monkees? Wow, good call, but no. They all wanted to fuck me. I was attracted to all three of them for different reasons. Wow, good call, but no. They all wanted to fuck me. I was attracted to all three of them for different reasons. However, I did not want to commit myself to a relationship.

There were three reasons for this. Well, I did one list. John, it's your turn for the next list. I'm telling you, she has some kind of developmental disorder. Nah. I did not go with Michael because the renegade path did not allow me to do that romance often. The first reason was that they worked on the ship with me. After a very painful

incident in my past, I had made up my mind that I would never have a sexual relationship with colleague. Jones was my only guy that I spent all day working with, but I could call Peter and Michael my employees as well, because although we did not all work at the restaurant together, we worked on the same ship.

Also, I think employees means something different than it actually means, but that's fine. That's fine, yeah, that's cool. That's hot. Oh, you're right. I forgot that I'm turned on for some reason. Yeah, this is porn. I'll be well forgotten Lists

As for the second reason, employment contract with the company that owned the ship was for just three months I did not want to start a relationship with one of the men and then stop working in the ship after three months That would be another certain breakup that I would have to endure Ladies and gentlemen of the cruise ship, I'm just a caveman

I'm just a caveman. I'm a simple caveman slut. Your world confuses me. Sasquatch. The third reason was that I did not live in the same country as either of the men. I lived in the Republic of Ireland. Jones lived in London. Peter lived in Spain. And Michael lived in the United States of America.

We're recapping stuff that was explained three paragraphs ago. With his family. Well, I know, I mean, you know, sometimes when you got sex on the brain, you sort of end up forgetting things. Telling where you live fetish. Right. And kind of forgetting it.

Useless tiny detail fetish. Yeah. All three men were so desperate to fuck me, and I did not know which of them to choose. After thinking about it a couple of days I came up with a solution

to the dilemma that I was facing. Oh good! Uh... It was kind of a trial I remember. You decided to not go for any of them

because you're a woman with self-respect and dignity? I arranged a meeting with all three men and told them that I could not accept to date any of them.

Okay, that's nice. Sexy. Is this it? I told them that, however, I was prepared to fuck them all at once. Awesome. Okay, yeah. All right, now we're getting to it. I feel like it would be weird since you all live in different countries

and so we wouldn't be able to have a relationship blossom. But if you just want to shove it in me at the same time, that's cool. Well, see, no, that's why it would be weird because, you know, you have to pay to visit all three of them. She's just getting it all over with at once like a sex camel. Yeah, it's efficient.

You just soak up all the sex and that way through the whole trip, you know, you just suck it out of your sex humps. It's time to fill up my humps. My humps, my humps, my humps, my humps. Stop it. No, don't, no, don't, no. So you were prepared to fuck all of them at once, you said?

Well, in other words, I was prepared to have a gangbang with them. Thank you. Oh, yeah. The men readily agreed to my proposal, and a date was set for the gangbang. The circle picture opening the red ink. You guys do Friday? No, no, Friday's no good for me.

Yeah, I picture her opening up like a leather day planner and just writing in, 8 o'clock, gangbang. Underline, underline, exclamation mark. Now remember, if only two of you show up, we can't establish quorum. We were to have a gangbang a few days later on a Saturday night when we were

all off duty. Alright, Isfahan! On the morning of the gangbang I went to the ship's pharmacy and bought a packet of twelve condoms. I was a very cautious lady. Yeah, clearly! I never had sex without a condom. Just one.

Scarlet, you've changed. 8pm came and I sat in my small cabin waiting for the men to arrive. The first guy to arrive was Jones. Somehow, I expected him to arrive first. Then came Peter,

then finally Michael. Yay, another list! It's important you know the order in which they arrived. It's like she just says, Oh, the first guy to arrive was Jones. I knew he was going to arrive. Since we still don't know exactly anything about him, he's just like,

What are you talking about? He lives in a country. That's what passes for character development at this point. How many words can I put in this to pad it out from the short first of the gangbang on the cruise that is classic Jones she developed him really well

he's a black guy from England who likes boats you see she's breaking stereotypes the black guy was the earliest so that's nice positive we sat together fully clothed and drank some wine while conversing. I then took the initiative and took off my clothes. I was standing...

Oh, she didn't say what kind of wine. The whole story is ruined for me. Yes, in what order did they finish their wine? I was standing... Is this her submitting a report to, like, the alien overlords of, like, what was your time collecting sex from the Earthling like? This is a police statement. Exactly.

Yeah. I was standing naked in front of the three men, completely naked. Okay. I got naked, and then I got more naked. I was standing in front on the three men. Come on, guys. Take off your clothes and let the party get started, I told the men as I knelt down, waiting for the first cock to get into my mouth.

Dum-de-dum-dum-dum. Dum-de-dum-dum-dum. Jones and Peter. Let me just get down here and, ah. Should be a 10-15, I think. Jones and Peter immediately stood up and undid the zips. I noticed that they were both circumcised,

although that did not really matter to me. I said, like, I am, and then sucked a dick. Then I immediately called it off. The only thing that mattered to me was that they had better be able to fuck me good. Jones and Peter finished taking off their clothes at about the same time. I won't bother to tell you what order they finished. Both men had good-looking bodies, especially Peter. He had a very athletic body. He had what my friends and I called a six pack. What? Hang on!

You can't just bring out a word like that. That's kind of an inside joke. He was all muscles and I could not wait to fuck him. Since he was a gym instructor, it was only natural that he had such a well-built body. Although Jones had a great body as well, his body was not as well-built

as that of Peter. Michael did not budge from his chair. When I asked him why, he said that it was because he wanted to watch and enjoy all the action from a distance before joining in. I told him to take his time. I would be ready and willing to have his cock in my ass, pussy, or mouth whenever he felt that he was ready.

I'll just be over here. You can stick it in whenever you want. I want it in your ear. Is that okay? No, no, no. Ass, cock, pussy, or mouth. That's all you get. Oh. I'm over here whenever you need me. Tap me on the shoulder.

I thought the story was going to be hot. It clearly is. He was forming his escape plan. That's why he he's like i'll catch up with you later he's trying to think of a nice way to say i'm once they get distracted you know he's like i'm out of here all right nutshell you're up oh god yeah okay when jones and peter had finished taking off their clothes, I grabbed both men's cocks in my hands. Jones on my left and Pater's in my right. It's Latin for father.

Pater's in my right. I then started sucking both cock. How did you manage? Did you just kind of cram them? She's going to explain. Hold on. She's going to explain her exact methodology. I did not put both cocks on my mouth at the same time, though. I would suck one cock for a few seconds, then move on to the other one. It excited me tremendously to see both men groan as I sucked their cocks.

Giving them sexual pleasure gave me so much joy. My pussy was, by then, very wet, and it was yearning to be fucked by the men. Both men groan as I suck their cocks. Giving them sexual pleasure gave me so much joy. My pussy was, by then, very wet, and it was yearning to be fucked by the men. Yearning to be fucked by the men. That's romantic. Yes, it is. While I was sucking off Jones and Peter, Michael was still in his chair watching us. God damn it, Michael.

Horrified look on his face. He's there like, she kind of talks like an alien. She might be that lady from Species. I don't know. She's kind of hedging my bets. Michael's English isn't very good and he didn't know what gangbang meant. Yeah. He thought they were going to watch some football or something.

After a while, I was tired of being on my knees and got onto the bed. I had earlier placed the packet of 12 condoms that I had bought in the pharmacy on my table. I had earlier placed the packet of twelve condoms that I had bought in the pharmacy on my table. I told Jones and Peter to grab them and put them on. Six apiece! Yes.

They did exactly that. My pussy got increasingly wet as I watched the men put on the condoms. I was very much looking forward to what was going to happen next. What was going to happen next? I was hoping to get the fuck of my life. I ordered Jones and Peter to penetrate me at the

same time. I wanted a double penetration. I adopted a German accent. Jones lay down on the bed and I sat on his pelvis. That doesn't sound comfortable. Ooh, pelvis. Yeah. Yeah, that pelvis.

I used my right hand to guide his cock into my pussy, moaning as his cock first entered me. Peter then stood on the bed behind me and penetrated my anus from behind. Where else would he penetrate your anus from? On top of your head? From the front. From the ceiling. He crawled on the ceiling like that baby from Trainspotting. Then the fucking started for real.

It was awesome. I started screaming aloud. My screaming was somewhat uncontrollable. For me, screaming during sex was quite necessary. I could not enjoy sex if I did not scream at the top of my voice. The men were worried by my screams. If I heard that, I'd be worried too. What the hell is going on? The men were worried by my screams. Oh my god, are you okay?

It's like, what the hell's going on? Maybe it wasn't so operatic. Maybe it was just like, just like, oh god, what's going on? This is what I do when I enjoy myself! They knew that I was enjoying myself so much, but they did not want anybody passing by my cabin, or indeed people in cabins next to mine,

to hear my screams. Nobody wants anyone to know that they fucked you. I was just thinking, like, okay, so we're going to have this gangbang, you know, we don't really know this lady too well, you know, we just want to be discreet, alright? Be discreet. So they start fucking her, and she's like,

AHHHHH! God damn it, no! I'm ashamed enough by all this. Within certain intervals, oh, that's a charming and sexy turn of phrase. Jones or Peter would put their hands over my mouth to try and muffle my screams.

I was bouncing on Jones' cock as Peter fucked me from behind. Okay, somebody else gets to read now. Alright, poor Tex. Okie dokie. Due to the positions that they had assumed Jones enjoyed more mobility, that Peter and fucked me hard

Yes? Yeah, sex was so good, it's hard to type My pussy was being fucked from the front while my ass was being fucked from behind If you guys didn't remember that We caught that I think you mentioned that several times in the last couple paragraphs.

Yeah. My pussy juices were flowing freely. My pussy was so fucking wet and dripping that Jones' pelvis was soon completely wet. Pelvis Jones. Jones comma pelvis. Pelvis is the nickname I gave Jones

It's a long story But yeah I got so much pleasure from Jones Fucking my pussy And although I quite enjoyed the pleasure that Peter gave me By servicing my ass from the back Oh is that Sorry I forgot about that

Recap My poor anus hurt very much as well. Peters, multiple Peters, and Cock was virtually tearing it open. Yeah. I was sure that I was going to discover some bruising in my anus after the men had left.

How would you discover that? With a speculum and a molluskope and a flashlight, maybe. You need at least two mirrors. Yes. With a speculum and a small scope and a flashlight, maybe. You need at least two mirrors. Yes. I was not all pain, however. It was a sweet kind of pain.

It was a pleasurable kind of pain. But not all pain. I was not. Just under ten minutes in their bracket positions, and Jones and Peter asked to swap places. Just like before. Their arms and legs were kind of bent over. They were in a bracket. Yeah, okay. Now, Lemon, you may have forgotten this.

What? But just like before, I had a man's cock in my pussy and the other's cock in my anus. Really? Oh, that's not hygienic. Jones' cock did not hurt my anus as much as Peter's cock had done. The only feeling that I was getting in my ass after Jones stuck his cock

in there was pure pleasure. Peter's cock was now filling up my pussy, and he was fucking it so good. That was better. I would rather have a huge cock on my pussy than in my anus. That was better. I would rather have a huge cock on my pussy than in my anus.

That was better. You know, a little while ago, she used fucking as an interjection, and that was the closest to expressing emotion she's come so far in this story. Be it boop, fuckbot. We were all sweating as we pleasured each other in my small cabin except for Michael, the ship's captain who was still sitting on the chair in the corner watching us.

Maybe he was feeling guilty thinking about his wife and family back home. Maybe I should be here. I had good money but now I see what my life has come to. Who was still sitting on a chair in the corner watching us. I turned around to look at him, trying to find out if he was alright. When I turned around and saw him, I immediately knew that he was alright.

Did he give you a thumbs up, or? Kind of. Yeah. Give me a dick's up. In a way. Hey! He had whipped his cock out of his pants and he was holding it in his hand. He was masturbating as he watched Jones and Peter fucking the hell out of my pussy.

He's over there whacking off and she looks over at him and he gives her the thumbs up. Yeah. I'm doing alright over here. Hey! Give the A-OK sign. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do it all right over here. Hey! Give the A-OK sign. Yeah. He would obviously fuck me next. Obviously. Of course.

Alright, Jimmy, take us home. Jimmy Franks! Where are you? Oh, I'm here. I lost. Oh, no. You were jerking off, weren't you, Jimmy? I was busy with many things. Oh, jeez, guys, I'm sorry. No, seriously, where are we?

I turned back to concentrate. Turned back to concentrate. We're at the point where she had a cock in her pussy and another one in her ass, so just scroll to that part and you're fine. No, he would obviously fuck me next. We're at the part where Deep Blue is simulating sex. Checkmate.

First chest and now this. Goddamn. Watson wants to penetrate you. Okay, alright, here we go. What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. I turned back to concentrate fucking Jones and Peter and that was when the guys came for the first time. Jones was the first to ejaculate, followed by Peter. Okay, good.

Let me just mark that down in my notes. For those of you keeping score at home... There'll be a test after this. If Jones is ejaculating at 20 miles an hour... I hate story problems. They had terrific orgasms that made them scream. Almost as loud as I've been screaming ever since they started fucking me The horror of the situation finally washed over their brains Ever since they started

As soon as they put it in she started screaming And they're like They were trying to fucking shut her up the whole time As if by pure luck or chance I had two orgasms at about the same time as the men were having their orgasms. What? Two! I had a nice orgasm in my anus and

another magnificent one in my pussy. It felt so great. So actually, she did have two orgasms at the same time. Is that really where you're drawing the line here, Lemon? Is this really where we're going to lay the battle line? My suspension of disbelief was stretched too thin. Shattered. Much like my

anus and pussy would have. I mean, two generic guys are having sex with C3P tits here, and that's where you're going to go. Jones and Peter lay down on the bed resting, but I had no time to rest. It was Michael's turn to fuck me. First, he wanted a blowjob,

which I gave him for almost 20 minutes. Let's just skip that part. He nearly came in my mouth a couple of times. A blowjob happened. The end. He had to pull out of my mouth each time that he felt like ejaculating.

He did not want to waste his cum. He wanted to fuck me first. After a lengthy blowjob, Michael wanted to penetrate me from the back, but I was so tired I asked him to fuck me in the missionary position instead. Penetrate me from the back. I want to make like, you know those

juicy pants? Yes. Penetrate me from the back. And then, yeah, on the butt it says, For the people who think that Juicy is too subtle. Exactly. I asked him to fuck me in a missionary position instead. He agreed.

He put on a condom. He's a very genial fellow. He put on a condom and then he penetrated me with as much force as he could. Everything was on the up and up. Pow! He started fucking me with as much force as he could. Everything was on the up and up. Pow! He started fucking me and as usual, I started screaming again. Oh, Jesus Christ. Ah! Ah!

Somebody hit the kill switch. There was no sign of the other two men at that point. The louder I screamed, the harder he fucked me. He seemed to get off on the fact that I was screaming. He might have been moaning or he might have been saying, shut up, shut up. Less than five

minutes after Michael started fucking me, he had a mighty orgasm. I believe that's called a thorgasm. Alright. Awesome. I'm alright with that one. I like that one. It was good. I could not blame him for ejaculating so quickly.

He was definitely so too horny after having watched the two younger men fuck me. After Michael had fucked me, it was time for Jones and Peter to fuck me again. Oh, God. Set the schedule. An egg timer on the stand. Ding.

Oh. I had sex with the men one more time, and then it was time for them to leave. That whole second fuck is just summarized in a sentence. One was in front, one was in back, I screamed, blah blah blah. I was drenched in semen and sweat when I let the men out of my cabin. She let them out. Go be free!

Turns out I can unlock the door. Go and sin no more. Immediately after they left, I went into my bathroom to have a shower. While having a shower, I noticed that I had bruising in my ass. Oh, see? The foreshadowing before.

And you came back, yeah. What did you take into the shower with you? She's just very flexible. Okay. Or iPhone. She's got one of those when you take it underwater with you. Gross. I love this Flickr app.

Hey, you mock, but the camera on that thing is really good. It's just like the thing accidentally uploads it to YouTube and shit. Let's see what Katie's latest Facebook update is. Oh my god! Katie Couric, no! I noticed that I had bruising in my ass.

It hurt terribly. The pain would go away after taking painkillers. That explains a lot, I think. The pain would go away after taking painkillers. I take painkillers a lot. Everything is pain, but I don't feel anything anymore. I went to bed after I had a shower and slept very well. I woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm clock. I was in the middle of a beautiful dream when I woke up.

In that beautiful dream of mine, I had two cocks up my ass. We all have dreams. It was all a dream. This was very educational. I think it's very daring to write a sex story from the real doll's perspective. Daphne Catherine loves it!

And then Michael put me back in my crate. That was just fucking bizarre. Yeah. Well, that was just fucking bizarre. Yeah. No, that was bizarre fucking. Aw. I didn't do that. The book of love is long and boring. No one can lift the damn thing.

It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing But I I love it when you Excerpts from Revenge Sex by Tina Bowden

Suddenly, I got a text message. I picked up my phone, read the messages that Excerpts from Revenge Sex by Tina Bowden. Suddenly, I got a text message. I picked up my phone, read the messages that I had just received, and smiled. I put down my phone and noticed that my wife, Kat, was smiling at me. She had a big frown on her face. What? What? She was smiling at me. Just keep reading.

Never mind. I knew what the problem was. She was a at it from... Just keep reading. Never mind. I knew what the problem was. She was a crazy woman. I'm not trying to be too critical by saying that she was a crazy woman because nothing could be further from the truth. What? So she's a crazy woman. You're not being critical by saying that she's a crazy woman

because she's not a crazy woman? Did I understand that right? And she's smiling and not frowning at the same time. I am not being too critical by saying she's a crazy woman because nothing could be further This is the first time I've ever read cubist literature. Alright, Jimmy. From Teacher's Pet, Passing the Test by

A. Ash. Dear Miss LaCroix, I want you to visit the girls' room. No panties goes without saying. You will no longer enter my classroom wearing panties instead each day you will deliver them to me the egg is to be inserted into your cunt sign severus snake potions master yeah that story exists i I'm sure. Yeah. 54 pages buying on Amazon for $2.99. God.

From Lust for Anal Orgasmo by Amissy Diamond. What? Shh, said Mallory. She was close to screaming out loud at how good it felt to have someone inside her ass. But she couldn't. As annoying as Jonathan was, he was sweet, and she didn't want to hurt his feelings. She's so considerate. I love this!

Aww! I'm sorry. That bums me out. Less for anal orgasm, a bargain at only 99 cents. Wow! That is the right price for me. Yeah, at this price, how can you afford not to?

I'd be stupid not to. I just love this idea they're in the throes of it, and she's like, oh, I love this, and he just gives her a look like, I can't believe you'd say that to me. Alright, on somewhat of the same tack, this is From Multiple Anal Orgasms

Hyphen Her Best Anal Sex Ever by Carney Johnston, who wrote many things that are gross. Her name is Carney. Yeah, she's Carney. It's a name and it's what she does for a living. You want to shoot at the ducks? You want to fuck my ass?

Either way, it's three bucks. All right. I staggered home at about 3 a.m. on a Friday night. It was raining cats and dogs and it was very cold. However, due to the copious amounts of alcohol that I had consumed, I did not feel cold at all. I got to the bus stop and sat down while waiting

for the bus. My anus hurt. I had just been fucked up the ass. As I was telling Lemma before, I was hoping every paragraph of the story end with my anus hurt and I just been fucked up the ass. I like that. It's got a film noir vibe to it. I staggered home about 3am

on a Friday night. It was raining cats and dogs. It was very cold. Just got fucked up the ass. I was thinking more like an old Showtime show about sex or whatever. But except instead of sexy people, it's about hobos. Like, you know, the tattered

shoe dyers. It turns any hot story into a sad one. Me! Oh, goody. From the description of Taming My Teddy Bear, an erotic story, plushie fetish by J.P. Scott. So this is not from the story.

This is her... This is J.P. Scott's description of the story. Read the stunning confessional of a woman whose insatiable lust was satisfied only by one thing. Her stuffed teddy bear. Erica recounts her experiences with making love to her treasured bear, including the night she let it take her virginity. Somebody's been playing that Leisure Suit Larry game. Does that count?

Somebody's been playing that Leisure Suit Larry game. Does that count? Well, I mean, I've seen accounts on the internet where people really did say, like, yeah, my sex life is so much better now that I'm a fucking stuffed animal because now I have sex, so... I mean, I guess language is a fluid thing. Mrs. Walters, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you for a complete sexual history.

Who is Mr. Cuddles? Cortex, I love this one. I really love this one. Okay, excellent. All right. This is from Brianna by Lexi X. Malcolm X's lesser known... That may not be her real name.

I don't know what you mean. I don't know how you can think that. Stacy looked up at her friend's eyes again, and her returned smile erased any hesitation she might have had. Grinning, Stacy thrust her friend's legs apart. Brianna bit her lip, excited. Stacy lowered her head and broke eye contact to come face to face with another girl's

pussy. So, pussy, we meet again. Which had a face in it! It's matterpuss. It's like, no, it's like, um... Not gonna talk, are ya? No, it's like the, it's like an alien where they open the mouth, another mouth comes out.

Oh, okay. I'm trying to parse this sentence because there's Stacy, there's Brianna, and then there's another girl's pussy. So is it a third woman in there or is it just an isolated vagina between the two of them? It's the annoying lady down the hall

just ran in, hey, look at this! She was trying to look out the window, but all of a sudden... God, you're ruining this. It's laundry day. All right. Oh, Jimmy, you are unlucky. Oh, dear. The hell is this?

This one's horrible. The Jimmy Franks curse continues. Yeah. From Santa Enters the Back Door by Whiskey McNaughton. It had to do with the fat guy about to rape her, right? What was it? What was it about the guy that bothered her so much?

Well, except for the fact that he'd gotten undressed in her living room and now that he was naked, he was about to shove his cock up inside her puss and rape her. That might be a reason to be unnerved by the situation. John, let's not jump to conclusions here. Fair enough. It had to do with his body shape, didn't it? When she realized he was fat, that was the key to the whole thing.

What? That's the problem she has? You're about to rape me. She's not sure. She's trying. She's mentally processing. Like, why is it that I don't like this guy? And, you know, she's working through it. So just let her go.

She's making out a pros and cons list. Right, exactly. Was it also something he'd said? What was it he had mumbled when he'd taken hold of her ass cheeks and spread them again? Something like, oh, honey, Santa is so gonna love coming in your ass. Yeah, that was it. He had called himself Santa. Oh, yeah, that's a bummer.

So he's about to rape me. He's fat. No, no, no. Wait. Call himself Santa. God, now it's weird. So he's about to rape me He's fat No no no Wait Call himself Santa God now it's weird Pauline gulped She gulped hard

And then she opened her eyes and turned her head about So she could get a look at the naked guy who was positioned between her legs She had to push herself up on her elbows a bit Because of the position she was in And the positioning he was in behind her But when she did She looked back over her right shoulder and she could see shit he was an old geezer with a seriously fat belly overlapping his lap so at this angle she couldn't even see his legs let alone his dangling

cock which she knew had to be there since she also could tell that he wasn't wearing any clothes just as she'd suspected but the most surprising thing about him was that the hair on top of his head was snowy white, as was the full beard that he had about the lower portion of his face. That was it. She was really about to be raped by Santa Claus. Or at least someone who looked exactly like what she had always suspected Santa looked like.

Excuse me, that's Santa Claus? Yes, I'm sorry. No, it's the Santa Claus with Tim Allen. Wait a minute, that's what's bothering me. It's Tim Allen raping me. Oh, but you know what? That would bother me a lot. If Tim Allen raped me.

Well, in that case, that's not a beard. That's just cocaine. Alright, John. I love the straightforwardness of these titles. You know exactly what you're getting. Yeah, it delivers what it promises. From Cheating Housewives Knocked Up

by Natalie Dark. Or Darkay. Natalia. Natalia Dark. I'm sorry. Natalia Darkay. How did you get in here? She asked. Philip owns the house. He has keys, you know. Roderick said.

You didn't answer the door, so I let myself in. Oh, said Juliet. So do you have the money? Roderick asked. No, she answered. Want another day extension? He asked with a grin. Well, I don't want to get evicted, she told him simply.

Okay then, I'll join you and you can scrub my back for me, he said chuckling. Quickly stripping off his clothes, he sauntered over and got into the shower with her. Taking a bar of soap, he lathered his hands and began soaping her up and rubbing her all over. She didn't even have a chance to protest. Oh, well, I've got a plan B. You want to take a shower? Cool, let's do it. That's what you meant by extension, right? Alright.

From Confessions of a Sorority Girl, The Omega Train, also by Natalia Dark. You want to see why they call me Tall Boy? Leon said as he prepared to lower his pants. Sure, I said nervously. I was getting the idea that it had nothing to do with his height. Leon lowered his pants.

His nearly hard cock popped out to hang rigidly down to his front. Nearly as long as Drake, I was stunned by its girth. It was about the diameter of a beer can. His scrotum looked strained to contain the two largest balls I had ever seen on a man. It's like when you have a gallon of milk in a plastic bag, it's just kind of pushing out. Getting raped by Tanuki,

that's weird. I can see that don't take steroids, I quipped, noting that his muscles weren't gained at the expense of the testicle-shrinking anabolic steroids. Did she just explain what the joke was? Don't touch the stuff, Leon said with a laugh. So I see, I replied. I really hope this scene just lasts forever. Nope. So I see, I replied. I really hope this scene just lasts forever.

Nope. Yeah. Oh, I know. You see, my brother Tallboy here got his nickname because his baby maker is the size of a Tallboy can. I recognize that we're all about to

totally fuck you in a row, but I don't want to say cock. That's gross. I'm cheap in the whole experience. You're just explaining stuff for the benefit of the audience. This is the kids' version. Drake said, putting his arms in a mocking gesture across Leon's shoulders. Eyeing his cock, I saw that

Drake was absolutely right. It was just the size of a 16-ounce beer can called Tall Boys. That was just the size of a 16-ounce beer can called Tall Boys that was sold in convenience stores to workers on their way home from work in the days before the open container law in Texas ended their popularity.

I don't want to get off on a tangent here, but let me tell you about the alcohol history of Texas. He wouldn't have even been able to refer to that beer during Prohibition. Prohibition started in the... Oh, shit. Portex. Something really, really terrible.

Okay. This is... I found... I did a couple of these because I found an author who I think wants to call himself Peter de Sade, but I prefer to call him Peter Deshade. Yes. Shade.

Is he a smooth operator? Oh, you can tell. Oh, totally. Operator. The description of my plastic blow-up dog, Brutus. When my husband divorced me for a trophy wife, I thought my sex life was over. Then I started working at a

truck stop, found a spy hole to the men's bathroom, and was given a blow-up sex doll in the form of a Great Dane with a penis bigger than Job. Wait, what? What? Job? I think I missed that verse in the book of Job. Oh, I am beset by the iniquities of sin.

Also, my dick is big. Lord giveth me an erection, and the Lord taketh away. Suddenly, I was having sex with it, Billy boy, who was hung like a horse, and Thelma, whose breasts were humongous. Suddenly, I was having sex with it? Yeah, Billy boy. And Thelma, whose breasts were humongous? I don't understand that.

Just one more time with that sentence, because maybe I can figure it out the next time you say it. Suddenly I was having sex with it, Billy Boy, who was hung like a horse. And Thelma, whose breasts were humongous? Okay, yeah, now I follow. I won't explain it to you, because I feel like you probably won't understand, but I totally get it.

See, I like, but they're trying to say it's like, I had, the person writing is trying to say he had sex with it, and then Billy Boy, and then Thumb, but it sounds like he's telling it to Billy Boy. I was having sex with it, Billy Boy. Oh, that's, okay. Who was hung like a horse?

This is a hot nasty story filled with straight and gay sex and lesbian sex. Something for everyone. Do I have to also read the excerpt? You know, poor Tex, I'm not sold. I mean, your description was fine and all,

but I don't know. Can you give me an excerpt from the story? I fucking hate you, but yes. Alright. I just need to hear something from the actual story. Alright, cool. I'm going to get you for this, by the way. I'll help!

I hadn't seen a real dick in so long that I finally drilled a hole through the common wall between the storage room and the men toilet. Sure. Okay, I'm not proud of that, but I was desperate. And I started spending a lot of time looking through my spy hole and matching dicks to faces. And I was shocked. The truckers that I

thought must possess big cocks usually turned out to have one the size of my former husband's little dickie. It just goes to show you that I'm not a good judge of what size a cock is hanging between a man's legs. Well, we can't all be. You know, that sounds okay.

That sounds okay. I'm not sold yet. Can you give me any more? Yeah, but what about this line? This is going in the trailer for the movie. Sure. I've never seen such a big cunt, Becky said. Can I touch it?

Record scratch. You know, okay. That's pretty good. I've never seen such a big cunt, Becky said. Can I touch it? That's pretty good. If this were a $2.99 story, you would have had me. But you're charging $3.99 for this. Oh, yeah.

$3.99. That's pretty expensive. That extra dollar stands for quality. Do you have any more you can try to sell me with? Yeah, I have a... Yeah. Sure you don't need me to tap out on this? No.

You can do it. I'm not a wussy. You can do it. You're a champion. Hulk out. Okay. What I was looking for you was to ask if you would take my dog, Dildo. You see, I'm moving into a condo with my boyfriend in Boston, and I don't want him to see that I have a dildo that's a replica of a huge Great Dane's dick. What?

Just keep reading. Get it over with. Well, it more like a blow-up dog. You like one of those blow-up dolls that guys fuck? Well, this is a blow-up Grey Dane with a huge silicone cock. I know that you live alone, so I thought you-you might need something a little more than a dildo. And let me tell you, that once you fuck my blow-up doggy,

you will be hooked for life. It's almost like getting fucked by a real dog! Oh, that's a selling point! Yay! It's a frame of reference. Uh-huh. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't throw him away. I name him Brutus.

Our friendship ended that day. She really gave a lot of information in that paragraph. The moving to Boston, the Great Dane's dick. It painted an epic story. Right, yeah. Epic. See, I was all primed to be really offended and grossed out by that, but it was just, it was written so

poorly, I just couldn't really get offended by it. It was just hilarious. I'm assuming someone was sitting on the bus and she just plopped down next to him and started this. I want you to have this. It's been in my family for generations. Well, I tell you what, I've been on New York public transportation and that's

not too far out there. It could happen. Or maybe it was like the Green Lantern, like she was about to die, she was passing it off. In brightest day and blackest night. Alright, it's fine. From Sleep With My Little Girl's Best Friend by Peter Deschardes. I expected Samantha to scream. You know as girls do when they're shocked or surprised or just for the hell of screaming, but she didn't.

Girls are always screaming in Peter Deschardes' closet. And? Pete, are you still up working? Helen's voice called out. Before I could put on my bathing suit, my wife entered the room. She immediately spotted my hard-on. Are you writing one of your hot, nasty sex scenes, you pervert? She asked as she entered my study in a skimpy yellow bikini. Yay. Well, don't make fun of it.

My hot, nasty stories pays the rent of our summer beach house down here in Progreso, Mexico, I reminded her. So, the character of Pete in a story by Peter Deschênes writes erotic stories, possibly on Amazon, and is a millionaire from it. I got here where I am today by pulling myself up by my fuckstraps. Writing the sex stories, that's what sells. Alright, so here is a list of the titles of other Kindle porn stories that we did not decide to read tonight. Banging Kevin's mom. Sex nip. Good sense of humor. Must have tentacles.

A slave for my cunt. Daddy's tails. Flaunted. Paolo's Playhouse, book one. Fisting Kira's cunt. Daddy's tails. Orgasms. 52 brilliant ideas. Cougar loves Dr. Cock. The ABCs of erotica. A is for anal. The ABCs of erotica.

C is for cock ring. The ABCs of erotica, volume one, A through C. Anal ABCs of Erotica. C is for cock ring. The ABCs of Erotica. Volume 1. A through C. Anal beach cock ring. Prison pussy. Legally bang. Liz Lee licks herself. Cassie is Craigslisting.

True interracial gangbang. I was a hot blonde cheerleader that took on the whole starting five of my college team. Girl stuff. Girl on girl. A sexual pleasure fantasy. Confessions of a college Cumpslut. Car Wash Cockfest. Black Dicks and Latino Chicks.

Tearing that hole. Water Sports Virgin. Your cock is too big. My wife, my dog, slave. 18-Year-Old Sex, Screwing a Cute 18-Year-Old Babe, Casanova Sex XXX Series. Slutty Teen Sex Stories, XXX. Slutty Teen Gets banged hard. Lesbian sex story is triple X. Howdy,

neighbor. Let's fuck. The erotic bisexual awakening of a willing secretary. A secret seducer and repeatedly taken by surprise. Read erotica. The erotic rendezvous with my millionaire secret lover. The complete six-volume series of provocative and sexy adult short stories. Read erotica.

Chicks are for fags. Five stories of straight men and gay sex. Bro-rotica. Cheating housewife. I fuck my husband's friend in his presence. Soy sauce face. My gay zombie! All the groomsmen. A pre-wedding gangbang of a love story. Rews go down under! Real cheaters. I'm a hot chick who caught her hot boyfriend cheating with a black man. True gay interracial.

My wife's boss, a giant football linebacker, fucked me on our couch while she slept in the other room. True gay interracial. I was a straight white college jock who was fucked by a straight black man. True interracial. Knocked up in a three-way with two black men, married to a white guy, and sure the baby would come out white. True interracial. with two black men married to a white guy and sure the baby would come out white. True interracial.

I let my husband support me like a queen while I sucked and fucked every big black cock in our small southern town. Episode number one, going black. True interracial cuckold. I got my wife to go black and it went way too far. True interracial cuckold. My hot, blonde, young wife has a black lover

and she makes me serve them. Episode two, I get included. The girl who loved horse dildos. Yay. See, now that person was actually trying to write a young adult girl's novel, and then it just went really wrong. Yeah. I can make way more money if I write this. Brush my blank sheet of paper. I'm your book of months.

Read the file of sincere. And there we go. Round about an hour of works that will never, never, never be co-opted into movies. John, what did you learn this week? I learned that the invisible hand really doesn't encourage quality when it's jerking off. Yeah, it's the one problem in libertarian philosophy. Pretty much.

I mean, you know, because the idea is, okay, you've got all this free porn that people write on their websites, like, hey, look, Kurt's sticking his dick in Spock, but it's poorly written, but it's what you're looking for

because that's your fetish. Fine, whatever. You get off, it costs nothing. But I think the idea is, like, even if it is on the low-end self-published market of, like, it's just a $2 or $3 novella about sex, you'd think there'd be a little bit more quality because people are putting money into it.

Sure. Or you're charging money for it. Whatever. You'd think the market would, you know, help that along and say, well, we only want quality things that people are paying for them. But no. It's just horrible. The fiction that these people are paying for

that is supposed to be real, legitimate erotica is worse than the furry inflation fanfic we've read on this podcast that's incredible because there are those selections, there definitely are sort of your classy erotica that's out there

but that's not actually the market when like when you go through it uh you know most of the shit that most of the shit that you're reading is daddy fucks daughter like that's that's that's all it is and and then when i actually did buy the pieces like like i was genuinely surprised because i because i thought they be... I thought they would at least be longer. But they were just such quick wank pieces that the only thing that really distinguishes them

is that they're very mercenary in being towards... You know, because there are commodities, so they're sold to a specific market. So there's the ones that are sold specifically for the people that are into quasi-incest. They're the ones that are sold specifically to the people that are into vampires. You know, the, the people that want to fuck Bigfoots for some reason. Sure. the only thing that they've done is they've taken they've made porn worse because they've taken shit that already

exists for free everywhere and then they've just kind of repackaged it with stock photos from Corbis. Yeah, but even then, even in that context of like they're doing, oh it's porn but it's just some weird thing like she's fucking a Sasquatch like you said. But even then there's like we said there's free stuff of that on the

internet and it's written and it's on some like crazy like hi my name is you know harry bigfoot lover 66 and this is all i write about and i write it for free and they're writing better than these three dollar books it'd be equivalent to like let's say you're watching you know some skinamax thing when you're young or whatever and it's like like, oh, hey, well, this kind of sucks, and it's obvious you're not actually having sex, but, you know, whatever, it's there. It's on the channel that's already part of the cable package. But then you want to order something

from a real porn channel. It's like, oh, this is going to be good. And that'd be equivalent to paying for that porn, and then the porn just being two people standing, let's have sex. Oh, you are putting your penis inside of me. It's like, I paid for this, and it's worse. That's amazing to me. It really is. It's really terrific.

Oh, well, but the other side of it is, now that I think about it, actually you paid for it, and I didn't pay a dime, so it's actually pretty all right. Yeah, thanks for the reminder. The website is always thefpl.us. Always looking for your comments. Always looking for your suggestions.

And after this episode is going to be coming a slate I'm sorry, a flurry of listener submissions from the Race for Ridiculism. A veritable tropical storm of submissions. They're going to be absolutely terrific. You're going to be pleased.

And of course, thanks to all of those people who had submitted for it. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening. And also, check on Kindle for my novelization of Love Shack. Love Shack 2. Tits, fuss, ticks, fuss. You know what?

I'm working out the title. We'll get to it. Bye-bye. All right. You want 100% real cock, trademark? Is that it? Well, um, don't you think that's kind of too gay for me? Just saying.

How gay is too gay, really?