The F Plus - 72: Commissioner Gordon's Back Up Plan

Episode Date: May 1, 2012

Popular media seems to get no end of pleasure in exploring the day to day drudgery of characters who belong in a comic book universe. For those superheroes and supervillains, their life is so absurd that there is very little relatability of those characters to people living in the real world. But then thanks to online RPGs like City of Heroes and Champions Online, anyone with an internet connection and a love for paying fees can create their own superhero and live in a world populated exclusively by other characters who also have stupid skill-sets. For the first of our Race For Ridiculism Showcase Episodes, Cleretic will be bringing us to this world, and forgetting to pack enough moist towelettes. This week, buy one glimp and get one free!

His armor had and he upgraded and he can now fly and shrink to the size of an ant but he is still blind. His suit is helping with his blindness. He is startling to feel funny sickness in his stomach. I am, I am, I am Superman. And I know what's happening I am I am I am Superman

And I can do anything Hey there, this is the F Plus Podcast Terrible Things Read With Enthusiasm My name's Lemon And I'm Super John. Super John? Yes. When did you become Super John? It's my new job.

Oh. Okay. Does that pay well? Yeah. Fairly okay. They start you on super minimum wage, apparently. But I can do some incentives and work up to barely livable. Super livable.

Okay, so what was the process for becoming a superhero? Do you want my origin story? Oof, god, that sounds like a long time. Thousands of years ago, the great Lord... Oh, no, no, no. Can you give me the sort of highlight reel of that? All right, fine. It was really interesting, but I'll skip over the demise of the Velmont civilization.

But basically, a wizard showed up, gave me a magic word, and I can turn into a superhero now. Wow. Super John! Okay, what are your superpowers? All right, well, I have all the superpowers you'd expect Sure, so, so, kind of like Huge tits! What?

A complete knowledge of all BDSM fetishes including the obscure ones I'm not sure how that helps X-ray vision, but only on sexy feet Okay, are you sure that you know what superhero means because i don't see this really solving oh i see you're in the old ways you're in the golden super age type thing yeah yeah superheroes have changed you see it used to be about being a hero and saving the day and having superpowers. Now, superheroes are just a thing you make up to basically fulfill your fetishes

and be a stand-in for whatever perverted and weird thing you want to be. Also, you know, boost your ego. That's all it is. Oh, so I was looking at this game, this MMORPG called City of Heroes. Exactly. Another one called Champions Online.

Yes. And I thought it would be a place where, you know, superheroes could hang out with other superheroes and talk about superhero things. You know? Right, right. Like the social stuff that affects superheroes, right? But now you're telling me that these games are actually a place on the internet where people can express their weird fetishes? Yes, that's the whole point of being a superhero now. Well, I guess it's about time

that there was a place like this. Well, I mean, that's the whole thing. Well, I was going to ask if you've read this, but have you? Uh, no. Then let me lose my new superpower. Assemble readers, go! Damn it, your superpower is stealing my line!

In the room tonight, we have Isfahan. I was enlisted in the military to go where needed being taken for my mother. Boots Reingear. Boots Reingear. Boots Reingear is a brainwashed barefoot cop who leaks milk. Dog. Yeehaw! My name's Arizona Tinkles and I don't make boom-booms in my pants.

Kumquats up. I'm so invulnerable. I'm invulnerable to invulnerability. Sean. I got the armor for being a killing machine and ghost out to the front lines to kill what seems to be invictable. And our first of the Race for Ridiculism winners,

let's welcome Claretik. My theme song is Cordova Town from Castlevania, Curse of Darkness, Area Select, Castlevania, Laments of Innocence. And Lemon. I am no longer interested in erotic roleplay. Alright, come pot. Bring us the tale of Shadowcat, won't you?

Hello. Hello. Hi. My name's Shadowcat. My name is Shadowcat. I don't have any aliases that possess anything.

And I have no last name. Sure. My species is Kitterwing, which is a winged feline anthropomorph. Oh, we're starting out good.

Oh, yeah. We're already inventing species. Oh, you have to get very used to that one. My western zodiac is Aquarius. My eastern zodiac is aarius. My Easter Zodiac is a bunny.

Is a bunny. No. No. It's a tiger wood. It is wood that happens to be a tiger. I'm already lost. My sport is golf.

It's a tiger, so I have wood. Okay, that makes sense. We're going to lose our Gillette sponsorship. Oh, this is the famed tiger lumberjack, right? Yes. All right, slow motion Isfahan, what else do you have to say? I'm a tiger. I'm a tiger and I have wood.

If I was reading this, we'd be done by now. Height. Just shy of six feet. So five foot eleven. No, just shy of six feet. Five eleven point nine nine nine nine nine nine nine. Yeah, it's like a quantum...

That's mathematically indiscriminate from six feet, though. Approaching six feet. Blood type O. Place of origin. African Savannah. No specific town slash city. Well, I don't know that there are specific towns or cities in the African Savannah. Yeah, it's like place of origin.

Antarctica. No specific town slash city. Wherever Simba lives. That place. What, Pride Rock? Well, you know that's what he was thinking when he made this. Yeah. Alignment.

Neutral. Good. This is a fucking cataclysm of different nerds. Occupation. None. Civilian. He's not a military. But not of any civilization.

You're either in the military or unemployed. Oh, you're the person. You're the kind of people that Reagan warned us about. I'm a peacetime Tiger Wood. Damn welfare, Kidder Wings. Abilities. All.

He has all abilities wait wait wait but there is a limitation though can only be manifested by one aspect at a time I actually have a question does omnipotence count as a single ability

oh hey I think you found a loophole there. I think Shadowcat's creator would say yes. I think Shadowcat's creator would say, what's omnipotence? That's a big word. I already used manifested and aspect. That's it for me. Alright.

Psy. Mild Psy ability. All abilities don't include the strong Psy abilities. Not degree of severity. He don't include the strong psi abilities. Not degree of severity. He has all of the psi abilities. Right, yeah, yeah. They're all low level. He has every ability in the world, but they're all very poor.

He is a jack of all trades. If he has all of these abilities, and he's still unemployed, I mean, can't you at least be a really good typist? It's affirmative action. We already have a kidder wing in the company. No, he has the ability to type, he's just not very good at it. Yeah, he's just shit. He can do anything.

He's just shit at it all. He can fly, but he's always crashing into trees. He can drive, but he's always crashing into trees. He can drive, but only in reverse. Can read surface thoughts with some effort. Easily read, but aware of reading. Okay, hold it. Stand right there for a second. Oh, you're thinking of titties! I know you're thinking of titties! You'll have to get used to this.

Actually, a lot of people have a huge hard-on for psychic powers in these things. That's why I always make sure that my thoughts are subdermal. I think people have a huge hard-on for everything in here. But... I'm sorry. Nemesis. Alex Strauss and the Humans First Movement. Alright, Boots, is that X-Men?

No, no, it's... It's Humanity First from Deus Ex. Clearly. Ah. Oh, okay, okay. I thought it was just the random dickhead movement. No, that's actually called Purity First in the game. The internet shows me that

Dr. Alex Strauss is a psychiatrist in Marlton, New Jersey, so I imagine that would be this person's... NEMESIS! I hate this guy! His LinkedIn profile pisses me off! Sexuality by female preference.

Oh, really? I'm mass surprised, that one. We don't know what sex this thing is. It's female. Oh, okay. Sex all. But it's bad at all. But only one sex can be manifested at a time.

I'll take all the sex, please. All right. Just go to the profile description. Shadowcat is a kidderwing. A wonderful mistake of evolution. I doubt it. Like man rose from apes, Shadowcat and her kind came from the big cats of the world. The lions, tigers, and leopards of the world.

More than that, a mutation far back in her kind resulted in the first cats born with wings! A trait that helped them to fourish and thrive. As opposed to threeish. It's around fourish that they got these wings. Generations later, the Kidderwings built a healthy society and began to mix with the other societies of the world. Just like me. All right. I think, John, if you'll take Midnight. Okay.

Midnight. Let me scroll down just a little bit. Oh, okay. Midnight. Walk up RP friendly, but don't bully or try to do something abusive to me or I will quickly show you why a cat is described as an evil creature in Egypt.

Age 5. I'm going to take so many threatening words at you. You'll learn your lesson. Come role play sex with me! Oh, God. I am a speck all breed of cat. I was a test subject at age one and was released at age four without any help of my own. I slipped through the club vents one day because it was a warm place to be.

But right when I fell out of the vents, a human picked me up. She was a beautiful lady with a black dress. She was the owner of the club vents one day because it was a warm place to be. But right when I fell out of the vents, a human picked me up. She was a beautiful lady with a black dress. She was the owner of the club. I became her pet and her son. I am a survivor of Project Mix. The project was to mix a stray cat with the DNA of a tiger and a piece of DNA from some ancient being that walked the Earth around 8.7 billion years ago.

The end. Before the Earth. Billon years ago. Okay. I'm sorry. 8.7 Billon years ago. That happened during the Earth. Billon years ago. I'm sorry, 8.7 Billon years ago. That happened during Earth. And then I got wings.

Because of a mistake. I got every pal. Project Meow Mix. Alright, we're going to scroll up a bit. Claritic, if you will take... Evil governments ask for it by name. Kara Fang. From the Fang family?

From the Fang family. There's another Fang. Oh, yeah, right above it is Chloe Fang. Oh, yeah, you're right. I put those two together because those are actually the same person. Hey. Hey. How's it going?

I want to tell you guys about Widowmaker. Okay, cool. That sounds cool. That's a cool name. I like your name that you picked for yourself. We're going to start with real name. Okay. Tasha Natasha Valenza.

That's foreign. Yeah. So her name is Tasha, but her nickname is Natasha. Oh, God. One of the weird people that actually adds syllables to her nickname. It's a backwards nickname. Aliases are crying minus wolf. Aliases.

So, aliases. Yeah, yeah. Occupation is infiltrator slash sniper. I infiltrate and then snipe. I don't think that's the same job. I think that would be really hard to do. She's multi-class. Break into the base and then camp out.

It's a pretty sweet deal because if you're a sniper, you don't have to infiltrate quite as far. a pretty sweet deal, because if you're a sniper, you don't have to infiltrate quite as far. Hey, guys of the army I'm a part of and have always been a member of, say, is it okay if I clean off my sniper rifle in your face? Ooh, man, a lot of dirt in here. Height, negative 5'10". Wow, he stands

somewhere near none feet tall. Yeah. Actually in the ground. Negative enhanced vision. That's deep. She can only see inward. Which I'll specify, I'll clarify, that means if far red and low light.

Okay. Expert training on all modern weaponry and CQC equipment. Custom fitted armor bodysuit. Multifunction omni rifle. Widowmaker's life began in a hospital bed.

Like most of us, I think. I was fully naked. Half naked. I was fully naked. Half naked. Wearing some sort of jeans. No, no, loincloth. Right, loincloth. Born wearing shorts. She was born with a black bar over her.

Surrounded by doctors, nurses, and an army major called Adamska. Well, there's the twist. The major explained to her the baby that was just born. I'm trying to do this exposition, but this baby won't stop crying. That her former life was now no more, as her memories were wiped in the process of rebuilding her into a perfect counterintelligence operative. Well, you see, this article of

clothing you're wearing is called a utilikilt. I made it out of your mother's placenta. Over the weeks that followed, she came to learn that her own memories had been purged to make room for the memories that had been uploaded into her head.

What the fuck? Is that's just what Adamska said? As she settled into her role, the soldiers affectionately dubbed her Crying Minus Wolf. As she was seeing her time with the Huskies after returning from her missions,

sometimes crying. Wait, so is she still a baby at this point? I like to think so. She's going on missions with wolves? He's like, well, I need a profile for my person. I just played Metal Gear. That's good enough.

I just like to think that the soldiers have no emotional intelligence. So they just see her like, mush! It's like, okay, it's Crying Wolf. I thought of a good nickname. Huskies could actually mean a sports team. Yeah, that's what I said.

I've been going through the documents, and we just don't have the money for attack dogs this year, but if you want to use a couple infants, that's cool. This baby sure does cry a lot. Oh, Crying Wolf. There you go. She had been reciving messages in her neural impants, warning her that her new life wasn't what it appeared to be

and identified itself as Shodan. I think I know what she played after Metal Gear. I am so lost. And then System Shock 2 and just rip off everything you see on your video game show. She was then contacted by Bowser who told her that Zelda was coming to defeat her.

Yeah. Over time, it sent her intel in schematics explaining the existence of a powerful group known as the Patriots. Oh my god! Really? They have sought explaining the existence of a powerful group known as the Patriots. Oh my god, really? They have sought to secretly control the world from behind the scenes by creating a perfect operative to execute assassinations and espionage to further thier goals,

and that she was that operative. Furthermore, it told her that she was never a volunteer of the program but was kidnapped against her will out of desperation. Nope. I guess the fact that she was recruited at birth kind of eliminated the idea that she was a volunteer. This is a lot of pressure to put on a baby. Soon after, the installation she had called home within hours went up in flames and Wolf disappeared.

She now works to bring the end of the Patriots' control to the world. Wolves have a great affinity to her, and she can be sometimes seen with two Inuit wolves named Amarok and Eurasia. I have one last thing to say. A Linux music player and a really shitty band. Widowmaker's theme songs are... Yeah. Aoi Fi. They're two Metal Gear songs. songs are yeah a a oafy me there are two Metal Gear songs are they are they are

here yes in fact if you have to come and brought you need of a legend if you go all the way back a Domska revolver also what CQC yeah yeah it's all Metal Gear except for the system shock yeah you know I know this is a nerd joke but it takes a lot of effort to take something like Metal Gear. It's all Metal Gear except for the system shell. You know, I know this is a nerd joke, but it takes a lot of effort to take something like Metal Gear Solid and make it even more incomprehensible.

It's pretty amazing. It's not that much effort. You just took a whole bunch of Metal Gear words and then just put it into the description. I want to start by telling you about somebody named Glamorous. Who, we would imagine, is in fact Glamorous,

because otherwise why should we call that? Okay. So this is Glamorous, all RP, female gamer, tell friendly. I don't know what that means, but... That means they're friendly to private messages. Oh, I thought maybe she was really bad at poker. I've got a bunch of aces! Yay! She's probably also that. Woohoo! I mean, I'm in. Alright, so let's talk about Glamorous.

Where does she come from? Some say she is the stuff of dreams. Others say she is a sorceress from a forgotten time. Others say she is a sorceress from a forgotten time. She is made of chimerical energies from the very fabric of dreams. Some event must have brought her into existence here. Whatever the real answer is, one thing is clear. Glamorous is here, and she is whatever she wants to be.

That's not how that works. Yes, That's how the announcer for Vegas shows. Her intentions seem to be on the side of good. She uses her vast magic to wield a powerful sword and manipulate the energy around her. She is the stuff of dreams, if I haven't said that before. And can appear in a variety of forms and guises. Her other abilities have yet to be determined. But fuck that, we want to talk about her forms and guises. Her other abilities have yet to be determined, but fuck that. We want to talk about her forms and guises, don't we?

Don't we, fellas? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. All right. Well, there are seven costumes that Glamorous puts on. And they're all, of course, very glamorous. Number one, Ancient Eastern Sorceress. I can see that being pretty hot and pretty awesome and neat. Okay, sure. Glamorous. Number one, Ancient Eastern Sorceress.

I can see that being pretty hot and pretty awesome and neat. Okay, sure. Yeah, yeah. She even does the chopsticks and the hair. Like a little I Dream of Jeannie superhero. I'm actually in this. All right. All right, so there's number one. Number two, Clubbing Schoolgirl.

You know, that's not... She's just got a school outfit on and there's blood running down her head. No clubbing, not clubbed. No seal is safe. Her outfit is a clubbing school girl. She's got blood running down her cudgel. As soon as she

transforms into that form, she's beating everyone around her. Alright, so that was number two. Number three, Genie. She becomes voiced by Robin Williams. Her first costume is an ancient magic user from the Middle East. Her third costume is a genie.

Look, don't worry about it. Don't you dare call Glamorous Derivative. She does not repeat herself in any way. Now then, number four. You dare call Glamorous derivative. She does not repeat herself in any way. Now then, number four, Geeky Nerd Girl. That hits a little close to home. You see, I'm more into nerdy geek girls.

Well, sorry, Boots. You're going to have to wait for the next glamorous to come along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Number five! Cursed or blessed barbarian girl. That could have been five or six.

Well, no. That would take up valuable real estate in my list of seven. I won't have it. So five is shared. Cursed or blessed barbarian girl. So presumably

Wilma Flintstone, but maybe she can have crow makeup on. Or a halo? I guess? You're bringing us number six and seven. Number six! To be announced!

Oh. I am holding on for the release date for that. Number seven! To be announced! Wow, alright. So she knew there was going to be seven, but not what those seven were.

Yeah, basically. The only thing that would have made that better was if number six was to be announced and number seven was something else. This space available. Little under-construction guy right there. Number seven, giant pizza slice.

Number seven, cheap Cialis. Click here. We should just get Stog a whole bunch of MMO accounts and make him write up a bunch of them. Are we giving Sing Sang Song to Stog? Yeah. Oh, God. Sing really good. I'm a little jealous of you for having this one. Sing Sang Song

He is a Chinese farmer Who farms rice and is super poor Semicolon One day he was Out Quiet quiet quiet I want to hear more about Sing Sang Song

One day he was out Farming and his legs were smashed By a meat-ior. Made of bacon. A giant sphere of beef. Oh, God. Oh, my leg. Oh, that looks delicious.

Spaghetti of the gods. Oh, the apocalypse created when everyone was crushed under pork belly. Okay, so his legs were smashed by a meteor that fell out of the sky. The ski. Semicolon. The hoss piddle came, and they put robot legs on his body and his old

legs in the trash. What the fuck? You could have recycled those. What's he got to do with them? Now I'm with you. And he was super mad because he wanted his old legs back and so he kicked the doctors to

death with his robot legs. Jesus. Okay. But then realist, he licked his new robot legs because he can now kick everything to death. That was a plus.

So halfway between when he was kicking the doctor to death, he was like, hey! There's something to this This is so bad! What did you do with my old leg? Hey, I'm actually getting into this This is fun

I'm getting a kick out of this Sorry, cool Go sit in a corner Semicolon So now he goes out And kicks everything to death and everyone loves his cuz. He is super good at kicking tings.

Even the people that he kicks to death? Yeah, they're all really funny. Nice job, bro! Why does he keep putting the word out specifically in all caps? I have no idea. And people come from meals are runs to watch him kick everything to death.

Don't move in his direction! He'd death kick you! Is there anything else, Doug? Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Plus he hats all the police because they gave him robot legs. No, the police didn't. It says right there, the hospital gave him the robot legs. The hospital! I thought he was cool with the robot legs. There are some big plot holes here.

I'm not buying this. You know what? I don't care if this was a fake or affected description. That was damn entertaining. That is a classic. That has been around for years. Gotham City City of love

City of love A city of peace. A city of love. A city of peace. For everyone of us. Because we all need it. All right, Isfahan, I know zero things about Zero Hikari. I would like you to tell me five things. Nice setup. No, wait, no, four things. I would like you to tell me five things. Nice setup. No, wait, no, four things.

I would like you to tell me four things about Zero Hikari. Yeah, we don't really have time for five things. Okay, well, here's the Reader's Digest version, the bullet points you need to know about Zero Hikari. Would you put an infograph together for me? Sure. Here you go. High chart right here.

Okay, the blue slice is he is the living embodiment of capital W Wrath itself. Immortal by birth. Right. Right. All right. The red section of the chart here, he is also a cybernetic researcher and medical doctor. So he went to med school. That's nice.

Got over his wrath. Even with that being said, he is a bit cruel, though. If you are curious at his skill, in either his right arm and his left hand are the perfect examples of his wrath. Even with that being said, he is a bit cruel, though. If you are curious at his skill, in either his right arm and his left hand are the perfect examples of his skill. I was curious. The cybernetics actually have a sense of touch and can even feel pain.

He utilizes capital N nanites to med-ex-a-sive damage to podi parts. What? You heard me. Don't make me repeat myself. Nanites was actually the name of his nanny. The green part of the pie chart is, he is

married to Ritalin. He likes it just that much. Wow! That is some dependency right there. That's a future episode. In the yellow slice, he has a baby girl by the name of Serenity Faith Hikari. Oh, so his kid hates him as well.

Yeah. Zero's a pretty stupid name. I know you only asked for four points, but I have a TS here. Never Surrender by Skillet. So, transsexual, never surrender by Skillet. No, it have a TS here. Never Surrender by Skillet. So transsexual Never Surrender by Skillet. No, it's a TS.

No, it's T's. That's what he'd have on his shirt. All of his shirts say Never Surrender by Skillet. It's just a skillet with a speech bubble. Yeah, all of his shirts say Never Surrender adjacent to a picture of a skillet with a speech bubble. Yeah, all of his shirts say never surrender

adjacent to a picture of a skillet. It's indie as fuck. Wow, that is quite the hipster tea. I kind of want to make it. All right, right next one here. Kumquat. Sierra Bernhardt? Sierra Bernhardt. Sierra had always planned to be a psychologist and relationships counselor.

How do you end up in City of Heroes? Oh, fuck it. But college was expensive and her parents were not well off. She began to supplement her scholarships by enrolling in experimental psych programs at the university. Hmm, okay. These led her to the experimental drug testing programs and eventually to gene therapy tests. Those things usually don't happen in... whatever.

She needed a lot of money. The scientists questioned her about other drugs and therapy, but she was afraid they would deny her entry and she needed of money. The scientist questioned her about other drugs and therapy, but she was afraid they were to deny her entry, and she needed the money. So she lied. Apparently, there was a strange and unintentional interaction between treatments.

If only there was some sort of screening process to keep that from happening. We can't be bothered with a sort of paperwork. We're scientists! And she died of liver failure. The end. She was involved in studies testing drugs that artificially increased

fever for healing, stimulants to promote mental acuity, and powerful libido enhancers simultaneously! All of those things. The nice thing about the libido enhancers simultaneously. All of those things. The nice thing about the libido enhancers is you can rate how good they're doing by a protractor. Just put it right there.

One day, while under stress of finals at school and during an intimate moment with a classmate. She was so... She was going down on a guy during finals. Yeah, she was getting it on in class while taking her final. She's a multitasker. Yeah, they say women are really good at multitasking.

Sierra, blue job sound can't be the answer to every question. God. The handwriting on the essay portion is really sloppy for some reason. My dominant hand was busy. Sierra realized something had changed. Her powers...

Powers? Her powers are tied directly to her libido. Now, the hotter she gets, well... The hotter she gets. Well, the hotter she gets. Okay. Mastered the art of the single entendre. Yeah, yeah. So, quick question.

Okay, so, Sierra Bernhardt, I'm imagining that her power, because you didn't really go into the powers, you just talked about what a slut she is. So, I'm imagining that Sierra Bernhardt's powers are flame-based? Yes. I feel like when I get horny, I start on fire.

I don't know. That seems like a detriment in your life. Maybe it's the other way around. How so? Yes, sure, Lemon. Convince yourself this makes sense somehow. Hey, baby, can I buy you a drink? Oh, God, my eyebrows.

Are you on fire? Oh, no, my eyebrows. Are you on fire? Oh, no, I'm just horny. Third degree burns, huh? I think she likes you. Golden Julie. And in parentheses, then further in parentheses, RP. Julie is a natural redhead in her 20s with elven-like ears. Sorry, with elven-like ears.

Her skin is soft and tender everywhere, even on her hands and feet. In fact, the soles of her feet look so flawless like they had never even touched the floor. God, I love it. And since you can see them, I guess they're not touching the floor.

A close observation would lead to the conclusion that she is actually blind. You can tell this from the soles of her feet. But can still somehow tell what everything around her looks like, apart from the colors. So she's like some kind of

color-blind. That's not a thing! I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking. Magically talented people might notice that her wings are all magic and that magic runs through her body. You know her wings?

Yeah. Yeah, okay. She's just all wings and feet. You know the wings that we've been talking about this whole time? Sure. Resulting in rapid regeneration, heightened senses, and a strikingly increased sensitivity of the skin. Oh, dear. This is going to get dirty real fast. Yeah.

So much that any intimate contact is really unpleasant. No, I'm... Doesn't say that. Doesn't say that. Fortunately for her, while her fast regeneration greatly reduces pain, most of her enemies never think about possible weaknesses resulting from the high skin sensitivity. Like being extremely ticklish,

especially on the soles of her constantly bare feet. But I sure think about that. Fuck, where's she? What is wrong with you? Yeah. There it goes. especially on the soles of her constantly bare feet. But I sure think about that a lot. Fuck, where's she at, woman? What is wrong with you? There it goes. Hey bad guys, she's got a weakness, wink wink. You know, it's a weakness over here

that you might want to exploit. Anyone have a guess what this writer's fetish was? No. No. Oh, I got it. It's overly elaborate ways to tell somebody's colorblind. Yeah. Of course. Uses an intensive rose perfume at the moment.

Just right now. Yeah, right now. Not five minutes later. No. Not so much. Sure. The soles of her feet smell... What?

Sorry. Say it. The soles of her feet smell slightly of catnip, though. Why are we smelling her feet in the profile? Because, again, this is... Oh, we meet again, Shadowcat, and, incidentally enough, here in the feather factory. Unfortunately, I've been walking through catnips, so I'm sure you're fixated on that part of my body right now.

Damn it! I hate being in this position. Velvet Justice. That's her real name. I'm sorry, Velvet Justice is her stage name. Oh, God, Velvet Justice, yes. Because her real name is just the normal, boring, everyday Velvet St. Croix. You've met so many Velvet St. Croix. She really had to take a stage name at that point.

Yeah, her original name was Velvet St. Dicks in my mouth all the time, but she wanted something that, you know. Seems a little less porny. Just a little less. Her occupation is a cop, right? Not helping. A sexy cop. She's is a cop. Not helping. A sexy cop. She's 24 years old.

Sexy 24. Her eyes slash hair are green slash black dyed. She dyes her eyes too. She dyed her hair black and she dyed her eyes green. She's devising with food coloring. She's devising with food coloring. Her height slash weight, she is 5'2", and 103 hashtags. That's actually the password to her voicemail.

She accidentally put it in there. Okay, no, I hate to interrupt, but keep this in mind, all right? 5'2", 103 pounds. What's her measurement? Yeah, we'll repeat that in just a moment. Yes. But first, fellas, let's get to her measurements. Her measurements are 32 triple D, 22, 34.

This is almost, almost the body type that Sir Mix-a-Lot was talking about. But I mean, she's only 103 pounds. Is all that is all that breast makes just air? It's just more of the muck description stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 10 pounds apiece.

She had her femurs removed. 103 pounds, 32 triple D. All right. Her orientation, fellas, is straight but malleable. All right. I kind of threw up in my mouth when I said that. I'm sorry. She bends easily because of her dimensions.

All right. All right. All right. Maggie Doyle was a shy, conservative, by-the-book PPD cop. That changed the day she busted the arch-villain super-ego who required her mind. All right. Now, she's an ass-kicking superheroine, as you would imagine, so here's her superpowers. She's now trapped in a permanent state of hypnotic

suggestibility. She has no mental defenses and completely believes anything she's told about herself or anyone else for 24 hours. Not anyone else, anything else. All the fetishization of Wonder Woman without the subtleties.

She'll also do anything she's told short of killing herself. Oh, damn it. Fuck. Damn it! I thought I was finally going to find something for my chicks-offing-themselves fetish. Does anybody have a slide whistle sound we could put in there?

All right. She'll do anything she's told short of killing herself regardless of how she'd normally feel about it. I want to find her in-game and say, you know, if you stand in this one place for a week, you'll automatically go to max level. I want us to find her in game and say, you know, if you stand in this one place for a week, you'll automatically go to max level. I want us to find her in game and say, Velvet Justice, I am your father.

I approve of you. Now stop doing this. I'm sorry I never went to your play. This is not how you should be acting out. Exactly. After joining the Rogue Isles police, her sense of justice has become more brutal and more lax. Wait, what? Hmm.

Okay. Yeah. She's very violent about things she gives no fucks about. Just get off, fuck it. Yeah. Just gonna curb stomp you. No, she like slouches down at her desk and then just like throws things like feebly.

Had enough of your shenanigans and in your badge. Damn it, chief. I get results. Now I know you're wondering how many bullets I have left, but I don't care anymore. I'll see ya. Oh. I don't care anymore. I'll see ya. That's why we keep ya. She legally changed her name

to Velvet St. Croix. And, this will surprise you, this will surprise you very much, she works part-time as a stripper. At the Saint Marital branch of and this fucking name rules. Utterly

fabulous. Now, two things to note. First of all, utterly fabulous. Pretty good. But the important thing here is that the DD in utterly is in caps. So it's double pun! Wow.

See, the thing is, I think that strip club name, like, even, like, the drunkest woo-we're-going-to-a-strip-club bro would be like, this is too much. This is over the top right here. Yeah, I don't know about that utterly fabulous. That name is just so tacky. You're right.

Let's go to Clambake instead. Exactly. Oh, she also makes adult films. Oh, sure. Oh, good. Yeah. Why not? She is so easy to direct.

Wait, wait, wait. This message from Stog. Tuesday is cow night where all the strippers dress up as cows. Thanks, Stog. Tuesday is cow night, where all the strippers dress up as cows. Thanks, Stog. All right. Her visible piercings include eyebrow stud and nose ring. All RP, few limits. Tells welcome.

Kenri Masamune. Moving like a dancer, Kenri is built for action. An 18-year-old girl from Japan. She has trouble with English because she leered how to speak it by watching a royal flume in Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

She wears a gold chain. She sells a gold chain to wear. She does wear it, yeah. A gold chain with kanji written on it and ring of jade on her left hand. Arpier! That's it.

Amazing. Holy shit. Because, you know, when I think of 18-year-old girls from Japan, I think of Errol Flynn and Pirates of the Caribbean. That's what they're into, right? I'm honestly just trying to think... Oh, I'm sorry, Errol Flynn. I'm honestly trying to think of the pie chart with

Errol Flynn and Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm sorry, the Venn diagram. Yes. She is the one that connects. She is a Japanese swashbuckler, I guess. You have to get a microscope to zoom in to see where that Venn diagram intersects, and it's just her.

Her name is on the point. It's one point, and it's her. I guess she just likes sword fighting just regardless. Instead of stabbing people, she likes knocking things down onto them with her sword. So that she can keep

the PG rating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. If she doesn't have a rope to swing from, she's fucked. She doesn't know what to do. She just curls up in a ball. All right, I'm sorry.

So we're going to hear a little bit about Lady Krista. Was that right? Yes, Lady Krista. Okay. Parentheses, parentheses,

mature role player, parentheses, parentheses. Good. Ageless, undying. That's pretty mature. Cursed to live until the end Claire, parentheses, parentheses. Good. Ageless, undying. That's pretty mature.

Cursed to live until the end of the cosmos. Born elf, raised by humans. I, apparently, I, Isfahan, have seen humans evolve in slothment, wars, and utter dispare. Whoa, that's deep, dude. Wars and utter dispare. Whoa, that's deep, dude. Death! Eons weigh heavily. Eons weigh heavily on my shoulders.

And yet there is hope. Oh, good. Oh, thank God. Out of character, Crystal is a dryad that was bitten by a savage lichen of an ancient type wolf. She is most at home with the wolf form as her creature form due to this. To find out more, RP with me. This is rewrite like 10 or 100 it evolves with the cur.

Well, I think we can say we can see all the rewrites here. We can see all the work that was put in. That's a good editing process. That's a good hook. You know, you know? You can't find people that have cyber sex with you, so you're like, I'll tell you my backstory if you masturbate with me.

My bare feet smell like catnip. Yes. Can I do Scott Sin? Oh, well, all right. You deserve it. You deserve it. Hi, guys. Hi. My name's Scott Sin. Hey, Scott Sin. Oh, well, alright. You deserve it. You deserve it. Yeah. Hi, guys.

Hi. Hi, Scott. My name's Scott Sin. Hey, Scott Sin. Your name's stupid. Shh, that's not nice. My hometown is Detroit, MI. Is it Mission Impossible?

Detroit Military Intelligence. Yeah, it wouldn't have periods if it were Michigan. I was born 1427. You were born in medieval Detroit. Okay. Just standing in the middle of an empty field while some Native Americans look on, this sure will be Detroit someday. What are all you people doing here?

Shouldn't you be making a car? I can't wait until my friends show up and they'll give you what for. Powers. Computer shows this being have the ability to gentrate an unlimited amount of psionic energy in its purest form. Able to push psionic energy into his ammo or pistols, he is able to put a ps- P-psionic spin or encase the ammo into psionic energy to do an entrem amount of damage. What?

He also has telekines, to which he can have the ammo go anywhere he wants them to go. Known as the god killer, he is acutually able to hurt and even kill so-called gods or demigods with his power. God moders beware this means you. Okay, I'll wait.

His defensive A mental powers are very powerful. This being can stop most mental attacks made on him as well as to make a psionic energy field around him to make him almost completely invulnerable to all attacks. Unfortunately, thought it takes a lot of concentration and he is unable to attack while in this shide. He has godlike speed with his pistols.

He is a immortal. He hates devils and demons. He gives off an extrem angelic cyanogora. I like that for a moment he highlighted a weakness and then immediately had to double back on it. What's great is that he says, God motors beware, this means you. And this is like the fucking textbook definition of god motor.

This guy is more powerful than god. He's a god killer. If somebody else on the server is cheating, you go, hey, look at my bio. I kill you even though you're cheating. He can think really hard into his bullets and it makes the bullets more bullet.

Yeah. Amazing. Claratech, I want to hear about Chaos Whispers. Chaos. Chaos. Chaos Whispers. Okay. Guys, guys, calm down.

My name is Chaos Whispers. I am as my name states. Oh, we're done. Okay, good. I'm sorry. Go ahead ahead I'll go out tonight Lose myself in the moonlight I'll seduce you my dear prey I'll make you my slave

While your world goes dark and your heart goes blind I'll then take your sweet essence away Nowhere to run Nowhere to hide Because from now on you are mine I want your kiss I want your touch this is an 80s power ballad lyrics

I was thinking more 365 lyrics listing for an AFI song but sure I want your touch I want your breath on my skin take all there is of me consume me I want your touch. I want your breath on my skin. Take all there is of me. Consume me. I want it.

I want you. Why are you laughing? This is so ironic. He's getting into it, you know. I want it. I want you. I'm yours. It's hard, okay? It's very hard i know just just channel your inner deaf leopard come on let's go

here he basically is writing a love letter to the form field inside of a video game give me your love give me your pleasure give me your pay give me your hate. Give me your pleasure. Give me your pain. Give me your hate. I want it all. I want to consume you. Drink your blood to the last drop. Take a taste of your tears. Give me a taste of yourself. Then give me more. I want your body. I want your soul. Let's play tonight. Let's run away and burn down the sky. Make love to me, my sweet angel. Don't let go. Don't be afraid. Just hold me tight and fly with me. Let me drink from you as you drink from me. I want to taste your scent, your touch. Give me

what I want and I'll give you all. So he finished typing that, then he realized it wasn't in the email window, it was in his email window. Fuck it, I'll hit send anyway. This has been Dashboard Confessional. Thanks for coming out. Remember, don't

cry until you get home. Ladies, once again, for all those ladies out there who are saying, oh, you know, why aren't there any more Edward Cullens in the world? There are, and here's what they're doing. Isfahan? Ah, yes, it is time to learn about Vivian.

Apparently the name is Vivian Shadowparents Dungan Barbara Kinson Birthplace, Oregon. That's excellent. The age is 22 blood type, a positive species werewolf marital status married. Vivian's likes are color blue, tast of meat and kindness. She hates the tast of humans,

raw hearted people and silver. Raw. So she doesn't like humans, but if you cook your heart, you know, she'll take it. Yeah. She likes the tast of it story pound sign one on a day vivian was once normal till on a day she was attacked by a werewolf while camping with her friends deep into the capital f forest which the werewolf killed

everyone except capital h her as vivian awoken after attack, she's seen all of her close capital F friends dead all around her. But what she didn't know about was what she will become on a full moon because of the attack. Ever since then, she has been trying to capital C, control her werewolf form, capital W, which successfully capital S. She did it.

And now she can change it will. The good thing is that... I'm stopping you. At this point, you can stop with the capitals. Okay. Just rest assured there are lots and lots of inappropriate capitals. I think you get the idea. I read ahead and I was like, oh, this is going to be a chore.

Reader, believe it or not, this isn't written very well. No. The good thing is that she won't ever kill a human being or eat them because she knows it isn't right so she just buys raw meat from stores because she doesn't want to hunt because she is afraid it would make her lose her control story number two three weeks ago while she was walking around to find a place to transform she suddenly heard a scream of terror from a little boy who was cornered by two werewolves in their wolf forms which vivian finished transforming into a wolf then darted to save the boy blocking the two werewolves from attacking the boy surprising them with an attack killing

them but both ended up wounded by the other wolves bites then vivian suddenly looked attacking the boy, surprising them with an attack, killing them, but both ended up wounded by the other wolf's bites. Then Vivian suddenly looked at the boy and went into the woods to lay on her side, wounded and bleeding, which the boy came to her and dragged her with all his strength, taking her home to see if his parents could help her for risking her life

to save him, which they looked at Vivian and tended to her wounds, which later they found out that the wolf that saved their boy was a werewolf. They were frightened at first, but thanked her and gave her some cloths as she got dressed and left, knowing that even she is stronger by heart

than her curse. Wish for more room for updated... Oh, God. Okay, everybody wish really hard. What about Storique Pound Sign 3? That was cocaine-y. Alright, Boots, will you tell us about Tessalia?

Tessalia? Yeah, it's Tessalia. I was a scrub bot in my former life. I used to clean and maintain the four gables before my creators, Praetor, Barry, and Raymond Keyes granted me sentience. They said I would become a Mark IV Victoria.

Ooh. In my real life, I'm a janitor. In my fantasy life, I'm a janitor. In my fantasy life, I'm a robot janitor. Instead, they ordered a group of clockwork to rip me apart until I was a pile of scrap metal and threw me into the

Keys Island reactor. The end. It was there I was reborn. You know how comic book storylines are, John. Fair enough. The reactors rebuilt me on a subatomic level. They've remade me into something that cannot be destroyed. Oh, damn it.

I'm invincible now. This sucks. That's really a bummer, being suicidal. So, let my enemies come and try to stop me from murdering Praetor, Barry, and Raymond Keyes. I'll slaughter them with all of their location

and own creations. Their abomination is seeking vengeance. Tess tends to eat a lot of various energies and metals and oils. She can also feed on other robots and machinery to control them as well. She's also sentient, but

very naive and tends to be wary tends to be worry around cops and scientists and has an affinity with supernatural beings or anyone with electrical powers. Work in progress. Don't give her candy after nine or she'll be up all night. I would like to think

that Praetor Berry is the new line in the theme, like legionary Roman themed Kool-Aid drinks. Oh, there's a new cereal here, Praetor Berry. It's just got like this Roman guy with a cereal bowl and it's like giving a thumbs up.

All roads lead to taste. Yeah. Hey guys, my name is Deathbolt Johnny. Wow, you're rad. Yeah, sure, Johnny Sykes grew up in an average home. His family even loved him. But then there was the sneaking suspicion that Johnny wasn't a good little boy

when household pets constantly went missing. Uh, oh, I don't know that you can... And so, it would go with the occasional attempt to rig his dad's car to explode, switching his mom's heart medication labels and etc. Uh, oh, uh, Deathbolt, uh... Then his little brother Timmy went missing for three weeks. Oh, Jesus! Yeah!

Oh my god! Oh, jeez! Deathbolt! Shut up! Johnny is a lovable scamp, isn't he? Johnny had never been a happier little boy than when he found Timmy dead under Johnny's bed. Oh my god! Johnny was definitely a bad little boy.

With that, Johnny had to be sent away. I would like to tell you he learned his lesson, but honestly, he just got worse. Where are the police? His thefts and petty burglaries turned into assault and murder, as it wasn't about money for Johnny. It turned into murder when he was a little boy. No, Johnny was just a bad seed, but this really didn't bother us. We had plenty

of heroes to lock him away. Then Johnny found that suit. Charged like an electric dynamo, now Deathbolt Johnny could hurt whoever he liked. No, Johnny cannot be recognized as a former assassin. Parts sold liked. No, Johnny cannot be recognized as a former assassin. Parts sold separately. Oh, Johnny.

That was the raddest serial killer I've ever heard. Went for a dark turn very fast. Alright, can I take Dogboy then? Dogboy! Dogboy was born to her parents in the coalition state of Lone Star. They were all the Psyhound race engineered long ago by coalition scientists. She was meant to be in the Breeder Corps, but she was deemed too aggressive. Wait.

No, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. She was meant to be in the Beeder Corps. Yeah. You make friendship bracelets. She's really good with gorp But Dee was deemed too aggressive And so she was trained instead to be an advanced scout and hunter

She was tracking her quarry And an unregistered psychic And unregistered psychic Near a ley line When a storm swept in Again, so many different kinds of nerds. Dog Boy could tell by... Because I actually recognize this

as that fucking Peter Jackson game. Riffs? Yeah, this is from Riffs. Dog Boy could tell by its intensity and how quickly it came on that it was no ordinary storm! What? Really?

The next thing she brand new was that she was on the shore of Mercy Island. Oh, okay. She has found... That was over. This is a storm that just takes you places. She found a new pack in Arachnos and serves them well.

For all who are confused by the name, a boy can either refer to a young feminine gay male, or, as in my case, a young butch lesbian. It's important that you understand that. Sure. Why not? Alright, I haven't

wanted to puke yet, so let's fix that. Stog, would you bring me the story of Naughty Little Succubi? Okay. I wonder what kind of a character we're here for. Speaking of inspiration for metal songs. My name is Naughty Little Succubi.

Perfect voice, Molly. I'm gonna dream about this. Her nickname is Mouse. It's for her small and petite frame. And because she is part mouse. Oh, of course. Nickname then. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Her real name is Chelsea, and she's a very naughty little girl who likes to get into trouble. She is always addressing you at the wrong time or tripping and giving glimpse of her little girl panties by accident, little stinker. Glimpse. Like the plural of glimp. Yes. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you're right.

Multiple glimpses. She's handing you a glimpse of her little girl panties. One glimp for you. One glimp for you. one glimp for you. But what else can you expect from a little succubus? No, that's true. It came as a surprise-y

to the young girl that she is in fact a demoness and she's finding out that holding back certain urges are becoming harder and harder to control. It's the little sex-crazed nymph in her trying to emerge, plus being

spoiled brat always wanting her way doesn't help either. But a scolding and a sound spanking helps to cure that. Or does it? Something tells me no, it doesn't. I think she's a recidivist.

My darling brown-arse fuckbird. James Joyce. Okay, this is the story of Joe Kitty. Little Joey Foligno was on the lam from everyone. The cops, Longbow, Arachnos, the family. He needed to lay words. He needed a disguise.. He needed a disguise. And not just any disguise.

A disguise so foolproof no one would ever recognize him. Yeah, that is the point of a disguise, Eddie. He needs to stay hidden from sentence fragments. He looked and considered the disguises that wouldn't disguise him for shit, but he moved on. Wait, this is a mask of my own face.

I'm not going to wear that. This is just a name badge that says, I am Little Joey Foligno. Yep. Just so it could be fair, guys. He couldn't go to a face maker and change his looks. They turned him in for a couple bounties, for the multiple bounties on his head. Wait, I assume that all the facemakers were just taking cash and doing it on the down low.

Yeah, I think so. Okay. Yeah, how would a place like Facemaker stay solvent if they wouldn't offer people the option to change their face? Hang on, you're wanted! Oh, none of this. Yeah. We just take people who think they! Oh, none of this. We just

take people who think they're ugly, that's all. Guys, it turns around for him. Luckily, Joey found a shady dock to fix him up. So he doesn't trust Facemaker, but a shady dock, there's no way he'll turn him in. Unluckily for Joey, this dock

was insane. And had a tendency to go overboard with his patient's request. A shady doc who was also insane? What are the odds? Well, no, it seems a little shady to me. Through the use of multiple surgeries and highly volatile

hormone treatments, the doc made sure Joey would never be recognized. Wait, did you know... At what point did you realize that he was insane if you had multiple surgeries and were taking daily hormones? This sounds like a terrible idea, but I do have another appointment on Tuesday. No, it's not just hormones, it's highly volatile hormones.

It's the kind of estrogen that explodes. Well, you know, in for a penny, in for a pound. You can't stop treatment once you start. The reaction will be worse. I gotta take my medication. Wow, wow, wow. But, upon seeing what was done to him, Joey killed the dark hand, never content with what he had, set out on making a new name for himself.

You didn't explain what Joey turned into? Okay. Well, that was, of course, pretty clear from the visuals that we don't have, but this should explain it pretty quickly. Sure. Joe is a pre-op male- to female transsexual uh i think he's pretty post-op i think the op has happened yeah wait didn't joey just want to face change is this like a haircut that just goes too bad it's like well i gotta keep going And then at the end, oh well, fuck I've done the whole thing At the end he had to make sure absolutely no one

Recognized him And I guess They would be looking in people's pants Her skin Skin, not fur Is golden in colour Not orange Not yellow

I don't want you to stand out So I've made you an orange one Now go to Hawaii And swim with the dolphins You'll blend right in Oh they're gonna find me like this This banner was hooking In his lavatory

When it's only Jones about And there we go. Round about an hour of super duper crazy. John, what do you think we learned this week? Ah, super reflect. Now you must tell me what you learned today. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, I'm taken under the powers of your thing that you talked about. Ah, bounce back.

I guess actually what I learned is there's a thing about vanity where they say, you know, you're vain because you're trying to present a persona to the world, right? Right, right. You're selecting a t-shirt going, I want everyone to know that I'm super into peeps, like the Easter peeps. Yeah, exactly. And then you present that to the world. And then the thing that you're forgetting in that equation is nobody gives a shit. So you have all of these people that are spending all of this time on this bit of text, right?

Right. Oh, I was born in a laundromat. And my father was the... And all of this stuff. but nobody really is reading that nobody gives a fuck except for claritic uh who uh did a terrific job of mining for us like nobody really nobody really cares yeah exactly it's just you know it is just it's a ego fanning thing um which i guess that's the thing it couldn. It could not be that. It could be, here's a neat way to come up with superheroes, and let's do this.

I could use it as a writing exercise, blah, blah, blah. Those are all possibilities. But all this ended up being was, like you said, just the video game text version of putting on a shirt that says, I love puppies this much. But it's totally ironic. It's totally cool, dude, because that's what love puppies as much but it's totally ironic it's totally cool dude because that's what i'm going for it's you know it's my image and apparently these people's images are i want to be a foot fetishist who's a green woman i don't know and the and the idea of it being a writing exercise is is so terrific because like oh you know writing

the the summary the character summary for bear cat who's a bear and also a cat. Like, that's going to warm you up to the complex tale that you've been really meaning to get to. No, believe me, I'm saying it could be. What it did turn out to be is, yeah, that. And if these were meant to be writing exercises, judging from what we read and the quality presented, none of them took. Like, none of them. These were not. This was not an enriching exercise. Nothing good came from this.

It's writing exercise in the same way as the obese guy that, like, does a push-up and then talks about it for a week. Yeah, I did a push-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I only do push-ups all the time now. And if you're looking for a city of super people to be super weird around you,

I recommend you go to thefpl.us. This was, of course, the first of our winners of the Race for Ridiculism. Thanks to all of the people who entered. Thanks especially to Claretick. Terrific stuff there, and a great reading, and it's going to be a lot of fun. We've got more Race for Ridiculism entries coming

soon. But yeah, please do leave some comments, and tell your friends, and just tell us things. Just leave comments. Really, that's what we want. Do that. Please tell us what fetish powers your superhero would have. Like, has there ever been a superhero that was really into, like, marshmallows? Like, that was their sexual thing?

And so they can make marshmallows? You know, something like that. Go for it. That sounds hot. All right. See you next week. Oh. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. I will give you those things you thought unreal The sun, the moon, the stars all bear my seal Oh, I was bummed out. I wanted to do a song, but she was just cribbing Black Sabbath.