The F Plus - 8: Blood & Sparkles

Episode Date: November 26, 2009

Twilight, as you are no doubt aware, is a poorly written series of books. Which has since become a poorly written series of movies. And yet, despite the undeniable crapulence of the material, there are throngs of people devoted to the love story of a elderly vampire and his teenage love interest who he feels like killing. What the hell, you ask? So do we! Let's examine the Twilight fans together, shall we?

🎵 Hey there, welcome to the F Plus Podcast. Terrible things read with enthusiasm. This is episode 8, and my name's Lemon. My turn-ons are long walks on the beach, very, very tiny feet, and raging alcoholics with violent tendencies. And my name is John, and my turn-ons are holding hands, watching romantic movies, and people who sparkle. People who sparkle, you say? Oh, yes.

Oh, do I have very good news for you. Really? Yes. You see, episode eight, the one that we're about to do right now, coincidentally, is all about Twilight. Oh, yes. Yes, there's a lot of sparkling in Twilight. You know, there's a new movie called Terrible Porn for Sexually Frustrated People, which I think is, if it's not out now, it's out very soon.

And, yeah, so with that enthusiasm and that buildup, I thought it would be a good time to just dip really deep into the, uh, into the fans of twilight. Well, you know, I was really surprised you, uh,

chose people who write about this for this kind of podcast, because the kind of people who would write about a 100 year old guy who dates underage high school girls, it doesn't seem creepy at all. Do you think there might be? I think there might be a tiny little bit of creepy in there. I don't know. Of trolling 100-year-old men who date 17-year-old moon-faced girls.

I'll have to hear it to believe it. Well, goddammit, that's exactly what we're going to do. Let's get the real list. Let's get this going. In the room tonight, we have Ace Rockawaddle. I said, ladies, my feet sparkle. Boots rain gear. Don't look at me, I'm too shiny.

Bump Girl? Oh, dear God, dear God, dear God. Bunny Bread? Hey, Bump Girl seems to be religious. John? I'm a hundred years old and I like him underage. Nutshell Gulag? Be gentle with me, it's my first time.

It's fine. I got bling bling on my chest. Yeah. Squiddy McConwy Tits And lemon Well pissed You can't keep a good girl down No ya

Can't keep a good girl down I feel I stand down No ya Can't keep a good girl down This is about how twilight affects you in your personal life. Oh. There's some deep thoughts ahead. Morning. Okay. I've had a look around and I can't see anything immediately

on this subject so I thought I'd share it with you I'm currently watching Pride and Prejudice one of my fave films and whilst watching the two main characters realize they are irrevocably in love I started thinking of Edward and Bella as you do

and then I realized that the love portrayed in many such popular fictions, indeed probably the reason for their popularity, is not only the fact that the man is so chivalrous and dashing, a real gentleman,

but also the fact that they really are meant to be together. Soulmates, perhaps. And this got me wondering as to whether it leads modern women to slightly unrealistic expectations of their boyfriends, partners, etc.? What?

I'm the one who has an immortal boyfriend who totally drinks blood and can fly. Is that so much? God. But he's vegetarian. A goof. In reality, most relationships start out, as portrayed in Twilight,

intense, utterly consuming, etc. But then, as they progress, much of that intensity wears off. Personally, I find myself often comparing my poor boyfriend to the likes of Ed and Mr. Darcy and feeling a little dissatisfied that he comes up a bit short

in the romance, chivalry, etc. department. So what do you think? Do books like Twilight lead to unrealistic expectations and thus ultimately disappointment in modern women where men are concerned? Yes, books like Twilight definitely lead to unrealistic expectations and our eventual disappointment in modern men. I love my husband, and he can be very sweet and romantic at times, but I found myself extremely irritated with everything that he did

for several weeks after I read the T.S. I found myself constantly comparing him to Edward. This is why women create fictional characters like Edward, so we can have them in our imaginary worlds when they don't exist in reality. Smiley! That's what will tend to gravitate towards the reality of Jacob. Edward is perfect. He does not exist, but Jacob can be found.

A guy who will live real and make everyday interests take a fun. Or just be there when you want to cry. I agree with you. It has made me realize how boring real men are. Men ain't shit, Gerber. Men don't often post on Twilight fanfic forums. I don't get it. Bastards. You know, I get the feeling a lot of the people who post on this, a lot of the women who post on this forum,

don't have a problem not getting real men. But according to her name, she's Edward's lady, so if her man is... No, no, no. She means Ed Asner. The ultimate vampire. Yes. Oh, he is so vampire. I think that maybe

at one point in time, those men existed. The guys that were romantic and fun and good-humored? What? I think the guys of today could learn something from those guys. What? But yes, I do think that the pictures those authors paint are unrealistic. Wow. Alright.

Ladies, I'm gonna, from now on, give you the romantic ideal of feudalism in the 1400s. Dude, I love being a piece of property. Woo! Ah, your family has some nice land.

I love you. Marry me, and I'll have sex with the serving woman instead. That's fine with me. I'm only 13. Of course they're unrealistic. They're fictional characters. That's the beauty of writing.

Characters can be anything the author wants them to be. Women, I think, have always wanted the handsome, strong, sensitive, romantic, funny, perfect man. And the perfect man doesn't exist anywhere but in our fantasies. That's why women love romance novels and chick flicks and sappy love songs. They are escapes from the men and lives we do have. See, I gotta say, Edward Cullen... A bitterness twist at the end. Edward Cullen does exist in real life.

It's just that he's in lockdown. Yeah. Aside from tackling the issue of how different men and women think and feel on things, I'd say that there's a lot of time element that's part of this equation, too. I think we're more smitten by the idea of things past, things we haven't experienced. We tend to romanticize things gone before,

and there's a great deal of magic in that curiosity for what we catch glimpses of. Darcy and Edward epitomize a time past, a time when we... Wait, shit. A time when what we read about and understand was largely dictated by a very different set of social rules and interactions. Charm, chivalry, and the art of being civil with one another. Sure, we romanticize it because it's past, also because things are so different now. Women need more than a physical icon of beauty. They long for a completeness that encompasses

these forgotten qualities. Just as we need to talk all the time. Lol. I still maintain that what we fell with in Edward was as much or more his representation of every good thing past. The old world gent.

What are you talking about, you crazy woman? You bitch! It's why so many talk about a book for guys on how to be Edward. It's the simple and little things he did that represent the way social roles and behaviors used to be, and it's fascinating. Don't get me wrong. What? The perfect body and gorgeous looks are not to be underrated.

Simply pointing out that the idea of something lost being embodied in that body. Embodied in that body. Oh, Jesus. Mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty. It would be around this point that I'd drop the class. Yeah. I'm out of here. I'm like, okay, this professor's all for rocker.

I'm out of here. This may be a silly comparison, but when I was a girl, one of my favorite games was to play Dream, where I'd talk for hours with my sister or friend about the perfect life. Isn't that just like hanging out every fucking night as a girl? When I was with my friends, I liked to play a game called Drink Beer.

Here's how you play. Damn. No, wait. Let's see if I guess the rules It's tricky and they're regional So We'd come up with our perfect day Including the dream clothes we'd pick from magazines

The mansion and every amazing thing We could think of At first our stories and definitions were most entertaining But if we talked long enough We soon ran out of things, because we're fucking retarded. Once we had everything we could think of that we wanted, the whole thing got boring. I don't think that's too off the mark for real life. It's why, in the case of human relationships, the most important element for happiness is how we feel about ourselves.

Until we realize that the best relationships and happiness hinge on our own self-concept. We'll spend a great deal of energy spinning our wheels and we'll just fucking skip the rest. Huh? Yeah. That's a good idea. Oh, but he describes the love story of Edward and Bella as so compelling and so complete.

All right, well, hang on there. Oh, that's it. Nice, the love story of Edward and Bella, so compelling and so complete. In that while both share their internal struggles of imperfections, they both portray a self-confidence rooted in being comfortable with who they are. Bella may not like being a klutz, feeling ordinary, et cetera, but she doesn't fight it. She laughs it off as just the way it is, and she's okay with it. She likes the books she likes,

etc. And she doesn't care what others think about it the way Jessica and so many other peers do. Edward is much the same. He doesn't like his nature of being a vampire, but he doesn't care what others think about him either. Maybe that's where the real magic lives in relationships.

Now, that professor's class I would not drop. So, this is like Dr. Ruth's vampires. The Edward and Bella thing is like the complete relationship. So, husbands out there, if you have problems with your wife,

give her a C-section with your teeth. Maybe, I'm sorry it doesn't sparkle. We can work through it. I just like... I was with you, Lemon. I was with you on that one with the whole thing about, like, what, Edward being an old-timey gentleman. And it's like, he's a freaking seal killer.

He's like the creepiest guy I've ever seen. Yeah, I like to watch you sleep. That's what men used to be like, Jack the Ripper style. Yes, men used to be... It used to be that men didn't sleep and watched you sleep all night without you knowing. That's the

activities of somebody who's not a creep. Oh, shit, I've been doing this wrong all this time. No wonder. Women love dangerous men. Oh, man. This reply is depressing, actually. I tend to agree with you. I married at age 17

and have been married for almost 22 years. I tend to give up to Edward and Jacob and I am sorry to say sometimes I wonder what I was thinking to marry at such a young age. My hubby is a good man, but I have been irritated with him that he is not like Edward or Jacob, and I do feel bad at times that I compare him to fictional characters. Side note, I did not have to get married. I chose to.

We have four children, the youngest being 16, about to turn 17, and the other three are of age. It sounds like... So go ahead and fuck the other three are of age. It sounds like... So go ahead and fuck the other three. Sometimes I wonder if we will still be happy with one another after the last one leaves home. That is why I try not to pair too much because I know I will be unhappy with my end result. It's also because a young book like Edward

ain't gonna fuck your saggy ass. Wow. Yeah. Anyone looking for a 40-year-old woman who still reads Twilight books? And has pumped out for kids? Yeah. Are we, uh... Show of hands!

Anybody? Hey, she's still in her 30s. It's 39, but it's still in her 30s. Yeah, she's been 39 for the past 12 years, but, you know. Oh! Hey-o! Oh, God, these are just blocks of text. Another excellent point.

The days of the chivalrous gentlemen have long since passed. Manners and civility aren't what they once were. Young men tend not to hold doors open for women. They leave their hats on indoors. Even at church, they use fast language in our presence and make lewd comments as if they were no big deal. If you draft of MS, multiple

sclerosis, you'll note that Ed comments that when he saves Bella from the van, he lets a word slip that he'd never used in the presence of a lady. Oh dear. What is this magic word? It's a killing word. Balls.

Balls. I got balls of steel. PP. There is another thread out there about the feminist movement and how it's created a world without Edwards. Oh, here we go. I think that there is definitely some truth to that. We want our equality, which forces mandatory sisters equals in so many respects.

The lines get blurred and we end up with chivalry flying right out the window because they can't figure out how to walk that line. This leaves us longing for men to be so different from what they are today and be more like Edward. That's what I thought. I tell you what, I fell hard. I don't consider you an equal. Not because of your gender, though. I want chivalry only when I want it on my terms. And otherwise, equality.

But you have to know when I want it. You don't have a life You have a lifestyle So don't flash me. That's so far so good. Smile. So this is your vampire power. Personality

based. Alright then. Maybe we can do a quiz. Oh, this would be awesome. Just like Cosmo finding out I was a fucking mummy. Someone already posted asking what power you want if you were immortal, but I want to know, based on your personality, what power do you think you have to become a vampire,

or at least which part of your personality would be enhanced the most? I think my strongest personality traits are being crazy stubborn, like Rosalie, having a temper for little things. When it comes to big things, I'm amazingly calm. I'd like to think that the stupid things wouldn't bug me when I was faced with eternity. Faced with eternity of what? Just faced with the concept of it? Yeah, she's not a big thinker.

Here's the infinite symbol. Look at it! Here's infinity. Look at it! Here's infinity. Look at it! And empathy. When someone is cut in a movie, that part of me hurts. Or seeing victims on documentaries, I feel the same pain as when I had depression. So I'd like to think...

No matter if they're burn victims, but I'd feel depressed. It's so bad watching a firefighter movie, this person. They're just sitting on the couch going, ah! Ah! But no, see, when she sees victims on documentaries she feels the same pain as when she had

depression. So it's like her soul hurts? Well, only when she's watching King of Kong. I mean, that depression is really kind of... Daddy, I need to poop! only when she's watching King of Kong. I mean, that depression is really kind of... Well, yeah. Daddy, I need to poop! Don't wipe my butt!

Man, my thumb's really hurt. I don't know why. So I'd like to think I could be more empathetic, but I'm not sure. What about you guys? I'll be posting a similar question about werewolves, too. Oh, thank God. That was a good warning. I like this question. I've thought about it many times.

I finally decided on top two contenders. The first one is based on my trait of being able to read people easily. So I would think I would be able to know someone's history. And the other one is that since I'm stubborn and good at debating, being able to push my thoughts and ideals onto another individual, it's shown in the movie Push. But I think that I would be able to change people's minds and whatnot to influence their opinions, as it were.

I think if somebody keeps having screaming disdain about you, being able to pick up that they have screaming disdain does not mean you're good at reading people. I fucking hate you, woman. Just piss off. You know, I'm getting some hostility. Both of those would be very cool.

Oh, that was supposed to be me. Oh, wait, I thought I was the second one. Yeah, but that's Starry. No, then you do it. Stary. Both of those would be very cool. Oh, I messed it up.

Your moment to shine. This time with feeling. Both of those would be very cool. Yay! Probably my strongest ability is being perceptive, but I'm really bad at influencing the way people think or feel, so I think I'd just be able to sense, but not change.

That was preceptive. Preceptive. It is a very interesting question. I think that if I were a vampire, my power would be controlling weather, like the ones of Storm in X-Men. I'm very sensible to the weather. For example, when it rains, I'm sad and angry. Instead, when the sun shines, I'm full of energy.

Do you know what I mean? Oh my god, exactly. Which vampire would you be? I'd be Storm from X-Men! Storm-pire. Da, da! I come to suck on your clouds! Yay, I'm like that too, Steffi.

It's kind of irritating sometimes because when the weather is gray and boring, I usually am too. But the rest of the time... You're still gray and boring. But when the sun shines, I'm always happy. So I think my vampire power

would be controlling the weather, but not in a way that I can decide what weather it will be, but like if I'm really happy, the sun will be shining like never before. And if I'm really angry, it would break into a storm or something like that. Colon P. I'm also very good at reading people, and I often know how they feel, even though they try to hide it. So, my B, mind reading?

I hope this doesn't sound too weird. I bet it does. My grammar isn't the best, so it's hard... So it's hard writing it down so that you'll understand... X... Something. Bracket? Bracket.

Square bracket. Square bracket. Square bracket. Good question, BTW. Same as the previous person. I have no original thoughts. My power would be like controlling the weather. It wouldn't be like controlling the weather. It'd be more like I'm controlling the weather.

But she controls the weather based on her mood, so it would always be gray and boring. God, the weather is so virginal right now. My power would be, like, manipulating people or, like, convincing people to do things. My dad says I'm easily liked and be convincing or my dream. I'm dreaming sometimes.

I feel or know what people are thinking. Wow. How is vampire formed? My vampire power would be spelling. The four words in a row. Know what people are. K-N-O-W-A-T

P-P-L letter R. She just gave up towards the fucking end there. Something to do with the way people are feeling. Possibly similar to what Jasper does. Oh, yeah. Jasper, oh, Jasper. He feels people.

What does Jasper do? He feels people. Not much. I'm watching you feel good. He's the one that makes you feel alright hey we just gotta point out that the signature for that person it says thanks Stephanie Meyer

thanks to you I am totally in love with a fictional character named Edward Cullen team Edward because Jacob doesn't sparkle Jacob doesn't sparkle. Sparkle! Sparkle! Oh no, now she's gonna join us. Fuck that non-sparkling bastard.

Shut your mouth. Don't say it again. I think I can possess Alice's vampire power. I always visualize things that are going to happen, and I am like her in the fashion field. My smiley face. Is Alice actually in the fashion field?

No, you're useless and dull in the fashion field, too. I'm great and boring in the fashion field. No, Alice is the vampire with the cute hair. God. You people, you should know this shit. Thank you, Bob. I'd probably either see the future

or read minds, because I always know what my friends are thinking, and this one time my friend called me because she couldn't find her car and she was panicing so I told her where her car was parked and I was right Yay! Because she left me in the car

and I totally told her where it was. My vampire power would be working at the mall info desk. Socks appeal on level two, blah, blah. God, this is a hard one. Well, I would say I'm V-sensitive to pipple emotions, too, and it bothers me if pipple are upset or angry. So I would like to say I'd be like Jasper, N, calm pipple down or make pipple happy.

Also, I have a bad temper, too, so I think my superpower could be rage, as in when M, angry, M, super fast, too, so I think my superpower could be rage. As in when I'm angry, I'm super fast, I'm super strong, like the Hulk. LOL. No. I don't know what vampires are. I know without a doubt what my special power would be.

I would be the only vampire that could sleep. Ha ha ha! I couldn't imagine going years without sleep. That thought alone just freaks me out! And since I'm so good at sleeping... She's already blessed. She doesn't need powers. Even during the day,

I'd amaze the other vampires with my talent for zoning out. And that's pass out smiley face. Yeah. So wait. So wait. Vampires. Smiley face.

So wait. Vampires never sleep. They have pale skin. They can't go out in the sun. And girls are crazy over them. Man, I got a chance. There you go. Wow.

Do you sparkle, though? Damn it. I need some glitter. Dude, I got a tube of glittery right here. We are going to do this. Right there. You bought my computer for special times. Just in case.

The next thing is just a quote of the last thing, and it's just brilliant. Crying, laughing, smiley, animated. God damn it. What a... Hmm, good topic, smiley face. I think I would have an ability a bit like Jasper's, as I am

sensitive to people's moods and feelings. However, my friends and family often refer to me as psychic, as I quite often have a feeling that something will happen, and it does. So that's a bit like Alice, too. Hang on, I got a feeling something's gonna happen. Wait, did you feel it?

It does. It probably happened. You're good. I have a feeling that time is linear. Holy shit, you're good. I have a feeling that you're gonna continue breathing. Am I right? Am I right?

Yeah, I knew it. Wow! This is awesome. This is awesome. The same as Jasper's carrot, colon, eye, question mark, vampire smiley, vampire smiley, surprise vampire smiley,

even more surprise vampire smiley, transforming into a werewolf smiley. These guys have a lot of Smilies. The evolution of Smiley. Oh. What can never come back You can never forget how it used to feel There's a wonderful thing that the Twilight fans like to do, which is something called role-playing. Now, to us, your internet nerds,

role-playing is something, you know, fairly different. Right, but in this sense, role-playing is something, you know, fairly different. Right. But in this sense, it's taking these characters that are so well-developed and so well-loved and pretending that you're one of them and writing out a whole story. It's interactive fan fiction. It's interactive fan fiction. Each of them, each forum member picks a character. And also, in these threads, it's terrific because when you go through the thread,

the first four pages are people arguing over who gets to be Bella. Of course. And then from that, the story starts and they take, you know, the characteristics, the defined characteristics of the story. Like, for example, the one guy has eyebrows

and the other girl trips over things. Yeah, it's very well developed, like I said. Right, and they imbue these characteristics and go forth into a story. So there you go. I'm paralyzed by the blood of God Though it clouds my eyes It never stops, you never stop When the sun sets gold just away from you

You're no longer mine I growl-wed as my fellow pack member took a stance to attack me. I hated this pack so much. I hated all of these people slash wolves. All they believed on was taking orders from their stupid, sorry, leader. They just couldn't stand up for themselves. And if had it, I was ready to take the place as the new leader, but this mongrel just had to get in my way.

As in Kurds and way. And my Kurds. I had accident killed him. And now I'm in the position where I'm kicked out of the pack, but I'm back and I will at last kill the leader before

I'm gone. I sprinted at him, my former leader, with all of my meat. As I transformed into a wolf, we collided like boulders, NDSP. Leader of the pack. Officiously, I had to take off.

I healed pretty quickly, and by the time I stooped running, I realized I was in America. In America is in blue and red letters. It's in red and blue. The filthy hamburger eating place. That must be where a famous food place is.

Although I may say it like it better than where I was. I stooped in the woods, going to human. It must have been cloudy, officiously, because there was rain everywhere. I ran to the closest bach nearby. Would you like a symphony? Hopefully close would be here. As I thought close would beener. Oh, I'm offended. That's it.

I thought it was some pants. Luckily, I had my own boxers. Hours later, I came to civilization. A mall. I could smell it. The smell burned my nose like acid. Like a flame in my nose was lit. There was

only one explanation. The Empire! It's all like red background. I thought it was all myths. Although since I became this what is, I ran to it as fast as I could. I knew no one would be able to see me. I was too fast.

There it was, a pale bloodsucker, fighting back my instincts to murder it. I froze as the cold beat drove away, dropping off two things, slash a wolf and a vampire. Wow. The cold beat. I waited, keeping my distance away from them. Fallowing as they head-wed for the restroom,

the girl, Bloodsucker, went in. What for? A few minutes passed, I guessed she had chosen to go the backside. Ooh. Waiting around, I caught sight of her. The beautiful red-slash-dark-brown hair flowed in the air as she chuckled. I couldn't believe

what I was doing next. I graved, howled of her, and was kissing her. She struggled and struggled, but I wouldn't bungee. Hey! Bitch, I don't extreme sport for nobody. Someone had screamed. The wolf.

Edward. I collapsed onto the floor just like I had when I had found out Bella was pregnant with Nessie. All the thoughts about me were jumbled. Alice, Alice, what do you see? Alice looked absolutely blank. Nothing, Edward, nothing. Kidnapped. How could this happen?

Who would want to kidnap my daughter? Bella was next to me, still as a statue. Alice looked absolutely blank. Nothing, Edward, nothing. Kidnapped. How could this happen? Who would want to kidnap my daughter? Bella was next to me, still as a statue, all emotion from her eyes gone. She looked dead. Jake, slow down. You need to tell me exactly where you are and dot, dot, dot. Then I heard him say it was another wolf from La Push who wanted her. I screamed at Carlisle.

I heard Jacob through the phone. Not from my tribe, somewhere else. Extremely foreign smell. He sounded like a wreck, too. Bella popped up from the door. Now, we go now. She looked angrier than anything I'd ever seen. Wow.

I was standing next to Emmett. Damn it! I have never been able... I have never been able to not calm a room. I have been able to calm a room. Great. God, do you blame them? Their daughter was just kidnapped. I practically screamed.

Even though all of us loved Nessie very much, Rose and I felt a special bod because Rose loved and wanted a child so bad and so did I. Rose and I felt a special bod because Rose loved and wanted a child so bad, and so did I. I tried to push away from this stranger. Ness. This is Ness, by the way.

And her character broke character. Her person broke character and said, oh, my gee, that is awesome. And it looks like my friend. I stole my name from Smiley. Ness. I tried to push away from this stranger. I heard Jake, but the man, the wolf dot, dot, the wolf was pulling me away. Get off me. Leave me alone.

I said, trying to run back to Jake, but the wolf was too quick. And the next minute he had stood away, I was about to run, but Paws grabbed me and threw me over the wolf's back. I was terrified. You can't have characters express how they feel. That makes me angry! Okay, Bella, let's go now, I said, and we were running. We jumped

into the Volvo and were off to the mall where Jacob was standing crying. I got out and ran past him into the mall, smelling the scent. I heard Bella asking Jake what he could remember. I followed the scent around, but it was something I had never smelled before. It was definitely European, not from here.

Alice, she was at my side. Search over there. The scents are getting confused. Those odors get confused sometimes. Yeah. Dang. Sometimes they turn Buddhist for a month and shave their head. They experiment sexually.

Jacob. One minute ago, Nessie was next to him and talking to him, and a minute later she was gone. I saw another wolf taking her away. I ran to this wolf trying to safe Nessie, but he pushed me away hard. He was strong, and before I knew it,

as in, like, Bran knew it, Nessie was gone. My Nessie, my love. The love of my life. I fell down on my knees. That would be the daughter, yeah. That's the child. Got to read her down. We've got to read her puking.

We've got to read her puking. By the way, Nessie's whole name is Renesmee. Just drink that in. It's Renee and Esmee combined together, isn't it? Yeah. The main character is named, what, Bella Wonderful or something? Bella Swan. Yeah, Bella Swan.

Because she's not graceful now, but she will be. I fell down on my knees and punched the ground with my fist very hard. I didn't know what to do. I was stunned and angry. I went from third person to first person. I was stunned and angry about what just happened. I called the Cullens and I got Esme on the phone.

Esme, Nessie is taken by another wolf. This wolf isn't from here. Oh, please come over here. I don't know what to do. I was almost crying. After a few minutes, Bella and Edward arrived in their Volvo. When I saw them coming,

I started to cry. Oh, Bella Edward, I'm so sorry. Clearly her last name is Edward. Yeah. Wait, is this like the combination of two? Like, uh... So it's Bedward? I'm at the Bella.

I'm at the Edward. I'm at the combination. I'm at the combination. It's Bella and Edward. He was so strong, and he got my love. Damn it. I will get her back. I would die for her if I have to. I wiped away my tears quickly

and I sat down because my knees were trembling and weak. Bella asked me what I remembered. There was a big wolf, bigger and stronger than me. He is not from here. I just grabbed Nessie. He just grabbed Nessie and ran away. It happened all so fast. I couldn't look at Bella or Edward. I promised them to protect her and I couldn't this time. But I would find her no matter what would happen. Wow. Jacob, you're a wuss. Who knew werewolf pedophiles were so sensitive?

I ran through the deep green woods, far away from any civilization. She creamed and pulled at me. Ooh. All right. the deep green woods, far away from any civilization. She creamed and pulled at me. Ooh, alright. Annoying and smelled. Smelled? She smelled different. Not as filthy.

Full cane burning. Diastere smell. Wow. She half smealed human. Ah! The red head was hurting smell. She half-smelled human. Ah! The red head was hurting me. She was toching her fingers toying my head, showing me how it felt to be taken away.

Stop! I growled at her. I stoped in the middle of nowhere. I pushed her off of me and locking her wrist to mine with coughs surprisingly weird in my pocket coughs paints cool I smirked but

it disapered as soon as she commented sit down I demanded holy sitting down now please I was strangly nice with this one. It wasn't good. That wasn't the audio cutting out.

There were just a lot of spaces in that sentence. Man. Wow. I'm not sitting down, I snarled. Let me go. I tried pulling away again, but he held me strong. I finally sat down. Why have you got me?

What have I ever done to you? I, that is Ness, asked, dropping my hands to the floor. Alice, Rose, Emmett, and I rode in the BMW, arriving only a couple minutes, I guess. The minute I got out of the car, I could feel the tension in the air and I did my best to calm it. Once we heard Jake retell his story a couple times, we began fanning out into the surrounding

forests. Alice went with Bella and Edard, seeing if she could get anything, but she could, and we didn't know why. Maybe because Jake is with us? But then Alice pointed out that Jacob went another way. Even though we could figure this out, we split up.

Alice, Bella, and Edward were going north, Jacob going south, Rose, Emmett, and I were going west, and when Carlisle and Esme arrived, they went east. Wow. Since the sense had been mixed with something else, all we could do is run until we hit something unknown. Sadly, Carlisle and Esme encountered a grue.

Hold on. I've almost got my diagram finished here. Well, I think you actually need John Madden to figure out this story. Hey, werewolves, they want to hit you about as hard as they can. And the important thing about being a werewolf in a national... Oh, fuck this.

So confusing this scent was... Oh, he's Yoda now. So confusing this scent was because I never smelt anything like this. Plus, it was mixed with my daughter and that made me angry. Me too. I was snarling and growling as we went left and right and right and left. Bella was even worse than I was.

I had never seen her this way. I wish I could have been in her head just for this moment. Oh, yeah. Alice was thinking things like, I wish I could get a read on this, and I hope Jasper is safe. We kept running until we ran right into Esme and Carlisle. Anything? I asked in an anxious tone. Carlisle just shook his head. Bella ran up to me.

Should we invite the Volturi? This is not a shapeshifter like Jake. I would smell it. This is a real war wolf. He's a werewolf, like wares. He pirates software. Bella was right. This is a real war wolf. He's a werewolf, like wares. He pirates software. Mello was right.

This was not what Jacob was. This was something different. Not a full werewolf, but maybe a hybrid like Nessie. Then it clicked. He is a hybrid like Nessie. Carlisle, breathe deep. That is a theory I have. No!

Bella screamed so loud the tree shook around us. I tried to calm her down, but she was going to blow. She took off running. Look out, she's going to blow! She was going for blow, I think they meant. Ness, I watched as the werewolf stood just watching me. What do you want? I asked again. Tell me what is happening. What are we doing?

My head turned as I smelled vampire. I looked around and was about to shout out when Ross put his hand over my mouth and pulled me up against the tree. I struggled trying to get away from this man. I wanted my mom and my dad and my... Jake! Tears leaked from my eyes as I thought of him. My hands move automatically to the wolf pendant of my bracklet. Can I please open my eyes, please? I asked as Jake grabbed my hand. One more minute, he said, placing something on my wrist.

Now, he laughed. I opened my eyes to see a bracklet with different charms on. Jake, I squealed hugging him. This is a charm from everyone. The wolf is from me. If I'm not with you in person, this means I will always be with you, Jake said, and I hugged him tighter. Then I pecked him on the cheek and stepped back. Oh, Christ. I think that was a flashback.

Oh, wow. Yeah, I guess it needs to be established that flashbacks are denoted by italics or not. Okay. Sure. That'll be a constant in style.

Oh, yeah. The editing has been so rock solid thus far. This actually reads like it was all written by one person. I don't know about you. You want an illiterate person. Yeah, all these folks are the same guy just posting under different

poster names or whatever. The person who does Ross is really something special. Yeah, I'm assuming he gets a very gay man doing all this shit. Before we split up, I said, so basically split up. Call if we find anything and follow it. Before we split up, I said, So basically split up. Call if we find anything and follow it. Before we split up, I said,

So basically split up. Call if we find anything and follow it. Right after that, right after I said that, Edward said hybrid. Wait, what kind of hybrid? You mean werewolf and... Werewolf and Prius. The thing I really like about that

is that he said it in a hybrid fashion because Edward said hybrid, start quote, wait, what kind of hybrid? You mean werewolf and what? Oh, man. This is deeper than I thought. So hybrid in this case is an adjective.

Also, keep in mind that these people, these people that are writing this are the people that... The people that think that Stef are the people that... You call them people. That's the people that think that Stefini has really terrible grammar. I don't know. It is a smell like no other. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I would

say shapeshifter. Like the two mixed, and that's why he can change in the daytime like Jake. Everyone just looked at me. I am not sure, just a theory. Bella grabbed my hand and said, Well, I hope that is what it is because we can take it down if so.

The wind blew past me and I caught a whiff of Nessie, but it was from way away from here. Nessie, I yelled, and was off in the direction the wind carried. Everyone was behind me. Sorry. Happy late behind me. Sorry. Happy late 4th or July. One or the other. Make a choice.

One or the other. It's not even 4th in the sense of like the number 4. It's like we went 4th. I sighed. Truth was all this was a mistake but I couldn't do anything now. Nothing but be full vampire.

I hoped she would correct me and explain why she smell so good. Sorry, why she smell so, so good. Blah! Yeah! Now we're getting into vampire stuff. Blah! Blah! One poorly parsed sentence.

Two. Two shitty paragraphs. Blah. Two. Two shitty paragraphs. What? Two. Three sexually confused teenagers. Hey, actually, you're right. You're right. Just wait.

She was just quite looking away like a sob. A cutie snob. Blah, blah. Ew, disgusting. It went quite for a while. Nothing but silence, the sounds of nature. I cocked my head. I knew she'd smell it too.

The foul smell of cold beast. I knew what she wanted to do. I graved her wrist, pulled her to me, covered her mouth. She struggled and started to cry. What? How could this owner cry? It was impossible. It looked

as though she dazed out in memory or something. Next, her sig, I knew she was hugging me. Just a dilution she made for herself. I seemed repeating to

myself in my mind. She opened her eyes, realizing what she had done, and turned around about to scream, mit motion the same. I covered her mouth. As soon as I caught

sight of a vamp, I graved her, pulled her over my shoulder, and ran. I was faster knit in my wolf self, but my instincts were better as wolf. Shut your mouth, please. Stop being thieves!

Okay. Holy shit. How fat do you think this girl's fingers are? I feel like I was just raped with words. I think she was just typing with one hand and the other was typing with one hand. Also, Ayo, I believe you mispronounced

onikri, which is the practice of onikring. To have or perform ona. In reference to French toast saying filthy was raped with words, I believe it was misspelled and we were wrapped with words for Christ. Oh yeah, I could just say that. Yo, I'm Carolyn and I'm here

to say I can write the story in a better way. Oh, this is her saying it in parentheses. Hey, guys, I'm going to be out of town until Thursday. Can someone double as me until I come back, please? Stop breaking character. Edward. She is here somewhere.

Well, I could smell her kidnapper and I could almost hear his thoughts, but they were muffled. It was very unnerving. Everyone was screaming. Bella, as loudly as I could. I was so confused because the scents were everywhere. This thing was fast. Alright, I want to do a little

bit of page four here because page four is where it really loses its mind. It gets better. Ah. Alright. So it was reserved? Yeah, yeah, page three was holding back. Page three was the warm-up.

Page four is sort of like the superstars of that story, just post over and over again. Oh boy. I want to hear more from Ross. There's some. Awesome. Ness, I was about to shout, but instead I stayed quiet. There was something different about this guy. He was

a kidnapper who said, please for one. Why? I asked quietly as he ran. I looked up at him. There was something I was missing. Anger, sadness, confusion, and worry were some of the only feelings swarming around in the air. Even though almost

everyone felt confusion, Edwards was different. Ed, what's wrong? He gave a look like I was crazy. You know what I mean. You have a kind of weird vibe to you today, other than you know. I knew what she meant.

I knew what I wanted to say, but I wouldn't let myself confess. Shut up now, come on! Please. Arrgh! I said, graving her wrist, a-running. I jumped into the trees. Knowing that the scents would mix as they tried staying on the same tree as me. Damn.

Sorry. These leeches were fast lucky my old leader trained me hard. Now I wish I hadn't deceived him. Oh, great, this one is making me soft. This one? That's never good. Oh, no. My hand

accidentally slipped to hers and I felt my cheeks grow red a little. She didn't rip. Oh, no. My hand accidentally slipped to hers and I felt my cheeks go red a little. She didn't rip it away, strange. I have a feeling she's heard that before. Carolyn honestly believes that to reach out and hold onto something with your hand, it's with a V,

grav, to grav. Grave. It's graving. Oh, I'm sorry this happened, baby. Itve. That's graving. Oh, I'm sorry this happened, baby. It must have been the leeches. Oh, the leeches, dude. I gotta remember that one.

I mean, no. I'll never have a skin. I mean, I'll never need that. I felt his hand grab hold of mine. I think she means grave. I felt a jingle up my spine and kept hold of him. I didn't know why. I should have let go. Pulled away back to my family.

I just looked at the wolf. How much I wanted to pull my hand away, but also I wanted to grip it tighter. I ran quicker with her by my side. Why wasn't she screaming or pulling away from me? I was just grip it tighter. I ran quicker with her by my side. Why wasn't she screaming or pulling away from me? I was just filled with questions.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a cave. I made a sharp turn and headed into it. Leasing go of her hand, I said, be quiet and stay here. I ran out of the cave to lead them a different way. What am I stupid she's going to run?

Please no. No. God no. I watched him run away. I was scared. What if he found out I ran? But I don't want to run. I smell dog. Jake? I called out. I couldn't tell if it was him. I was scared. I didn't want to move.

But why didn't I? Should I run back and make sure she's still in the cave, or should I lead these bloodsuckers away first? I was shifted into a wolf now and running miles and miles. Okay, this is good, I said, turning around into human form and heading for the cave. I was scared. I sat down and wrapped my arms around my legs.

Anybody? I called out, looking out into the forest in front of me. I stood in front of the cave now, washing as she held herself together. She was so cutie! Blah!

But you know you do like her. Yes. I walked into the cave and said, Shh, don't make any sound. I told her. I looked up at Ross. Why? I asked again. Shh, I said,

graphing her hand and pointing it outside of the cave. She saw, as I saw, a brown's wolf sniffing out Sid Eoff the cave. Jake! I got up. No, I needed Jake. I needed him. I opened my mouth to speak, hoping the other man did not notice.

I noticed. Damn it! Ah! Help! I'm spoiled again. Is another commenting on each other's inner monologues. Quickly I put my hand to her mouth. Shut up, I mouthed to her.

The wolf went on with, Oh yet, any sight of us. I tried to escape. I tried to push him away. I just wanted my Jake, my brown rousset wolf. Tears poured down my face as I... She was pushing at me, her hands on my chest pushing as hard as she coved to get to the other wolf. Tears sparkled out of her eyes. I pushed her further into the cave and wimped the tears.

The wolf was gone now, good. How can you cry you're a cold-blooded vampire? Wow. Can you imagine this goes on for 43 pages? Oh my god. Oh my god. And that's one of the shorter ones. Like, if you actually go through and...

I like how people just quietly kind of bowed out, and it's just these two left. Yeah. And then we fucked. And then it was good. And then they gave her an orgasm. And she gave me an orgasm. All right.

There we go. That is the end of Episode 8. Hey, John, what did you learn this week? I don't know if we've iterated enough, but I've learned that there's an amazing number of women that will totally devote themselves, mind, body, and soul, to a supernatural creed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, do you think the supernatural is that part of it?

Well, I don't know if it's necessarily necessary to it, but it really helps. Because it seems like the douchebags in the trench coats that shave down their teeth, like, they don't really get laid too often. No, but I mean, you know, it doesn't matter if he's, you know, a century, a little more than a century old, and he's creepy, and he watches you at night, and he wants to eat you and suck your blood. As long as he's pretty and he has that messed up hair and stubble, it's okay.

Yeah. And I've learned that I've actually gone at this relationship thing completely the wrong way. You know, it's been a lot of like, you know, oh, I'll pay for your dinner. And, you know, I'll get you drunk to remember what happens the next day. And I've learned that instead of going that route, instead of going the feminist angle, what I actually should be doing is dressing up in flowery kind of shirts,

never bathing, and marrying out of wanting property, and then abusing my wife and having sex with the mistress. Exactly. And I bet the Bush administration would have been really happy if this had come out earlier, because, you know, forget

condoms, forget, you know, forget condoms, forget, you know, just religiously, for religious reasons, staying abstinent. The best way to stay abstinent is to know that if you have sex, your boyfriend will kill you. Ha! It's a very effective deterrent. A true and harrowing tale. Well, thanks again to all of our readers for bringing the Twilight universe to life, as many of us wish it weren't.

And thanks to you for listening. What's the website again? Well, that would be thefpl.us. And if you want to submit more Edward and Bella stories or anything else that strikes your fancy, we'd be glad to have it. We definitely would. And until next time, I've been Lemon. And I've been John. And, yeah, have a good night. Take care of yourself.

Keep on sparking. So they eat rare meat yet still claim vegetarianism? No, they're like vampire vegetarians. Finger quote, finger quote, because vampire, quote, Finger quote, finger quote, because vampire quote, finger quote, finger quote vegetarians don't eat humans, but they eat other animals. I'm kind of confused. They eat animals.

I got it. I got it. This is how you can be a vampire vegetarian. You have to dine on Terry Schiavo. Ha! Oh! Ha! Oh, man. Oh, damn.

I like how the hell that went. You went there. Oh, shit.