The F Plus - live1b: F Plus Live 1 (part two)

Episode Date: October 19, 2010

The live shenanigans continue, louder and drunker than before! STOG: Behind The Bell by Dustin Diamond John Toast: The Way Of The Master by Kirk Cameron Jack Chick: Wild by Fabio Jimmyfranks: The Man With The Gold by Mr. T Lemon: 60 Years Of Wit And Wisdom by Andy Rooney

Shut up for a minute. You know who else I love? Shut up for a minute. Ronnie. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Go, Stog. Yeah, baby.

Stog. Stog, I love you. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, Shredball. Shredball. You should buy us some shots. All right. All shots. All right.

All right. All right. We are back with more of the F+. I actually had an equally good book. An equally good book. But I actually need Dustin Diamond. That's what I need in my time, in this time right now. Dustin Diamond, of course, was Screech from Saved by the Bell.

He has a, is it Behind the Bell? Is that what it's called? Yeah. All right. So this is our very own Stog. He might look 12, but I assure you he is of drinking age. This is Stog, Dustin Diamond's Behind the Bell. Yeah!

If any of you like what I'm reading tonight, you should check out Dustin Diamond's Wikipedia page because it will lead you to literally hours of entertainment, especially his sex tape, Saved by the Smell. Stuck, I have a question for you. What's the question? Why is his movie called Saved by the Smell? Because it features a dirty Sanchez.

Thank you for the answer. You're welcome. I basically want to eat this mic I'm an echo okay anyway here we go go. Screeching truth of power. I was always something of an outsider on the set. The biggest reason was that I was a few years younger than everyone else. When Saved by the Bell started on NBC, I was 12 and Mark Paul, Tiffany, and the others were all around 15 or 16. At that age, a few years makes all the difference. They were fully teenagers, living like adults, and I was still a kid. But the source of the biggest rift between me and the rest of the cast wasn't my age. It was my lack of interest in kissing the ass of the golden child.

Because everybody knew Mark Paul Gosselberg was St. Peter's favorite, everybody wanted to be friends with Zack. Just because we were kids doesn't mean we were immune to the rules of Hollywood. Or the rules of any actual high school for that matter. Theory

proximity to powerful and popular people helps one rise quickly up the ladder of life. But if someone was being a douche, I didn't want to hang out with them. And Mark Paul Gosselberg was usually being a douche. Simple as that.

I always thought that was a good way to conduct myself, but behind the scenes of Saved by the Bell, that attitude made me public enemy number one. Public enemy number one! Public enemy number one! Oh, God, I'm going to pee a little. Once I took up opposition to the golden child. That's Mark Paul Gosselberg, by the way. I have never stopped peeing.

It's the Lady Kim, the cast's whipping boy! A lot of it was stupid shit when I think about it now, but at the time, being so much younger than the others, being ostracized by the group really stung! I remember one stupid encounter right after MC Hammer's mega hit, Can't Touch This, had just come out. Everybody was singing it.

It played on the radio ad nauseum. Hammer's ubiquitous shimmy-shammying back and forth in his gold lame genie pants. Anyway, I was on the school set playing this song on my boombox. Elizabeth was singing there, singing dum-da-da-dum. Can't help it. Ha! Ha!

can't help it. Ha! Ha! Sometimes the shit they babbled on about was positively mind-boggling. I had to wonder if they were being serious or just choosing to be obstinate because

banding together behind a contrarian viewpoint was more interesting or amusing for them than being friendly. But I have to say, in all honesty, I thought they were just idiots. Like when the first nightmare on Elm Street, came out and everyone was talking about how scary

Freddy Krueger was. I love the film. I was a big fan of the franchise but what threw me for an absolute fucking loo was the aspect of Freddy they found most terrifying let me put it to you when you picture Freddy Krueger, what characteristic of that character frightens you the most? The gloves. I want to go with the gloves.

The hat. The makeup. The hat. The sweater. The sweater. The sweater is really scary. I want to go with the sweater. The boiler room.

That freaking leather hand contraption with the razor knives gleaming from each fingertip. His horrific melted face. His penchant for stabbing noble teens. Mark Paul, whenever anyone was on the set set would ask about the movie, would say, I just couldn't watch it. That sweater. That sweater. It was horrible.

We were right. It wasn't the sweater. Yeah! Really? Really? Really? You thought the most terrifying aspect of Freddy Krueger was his sweater? It wasn't even fall.

Yeah! That sweater was terrifying. I hate you. Snog, I want to hear about Dustin Diamond having sex. Okay. Please tell me about Dustin Diamond having sex. I don't want to have sex. I know, but Dustin Diamond does.

He sure does. Possibly in a slightly less silly voice. Possibly with Timmy and Rufiason. One sec, I need to chug this beer. Lemon hates America. That's what I'm getting. Making chicks screech. Bragging to say I've banged over 2,000 chicks in my life.

Maybe it is, but it's a fact. There were days when I had sex three times with three different lucky ladies. Oh, very lucky. They got screeched. In the SBTB studio alone? I would bang girls in my dressing room or in the prop warehouse and spend the night in my dressing room at NBC? I had a great pickup line. I'd meet a girl at some club on Sunset and tell her, I had an early call the next morning.

So on the set of my hit television show, Screech World. I drive her to the studio, pull her right out to the lot. We're at the security gate. Good evening, Mr. Screech. world of Screech. Through the security gate. Good evening, Mr. Screech. Mr. Screech. Mr. Screech. Park right beside Will Smith's space and give her a tour of the set,

which was the least glamorous part of the evening because we had to squeeze between the chained stage doors. I banged girls right on the set. Oh, yeah. That's right. Oh, yeah. On the SBTB set. Oh, they all went out.

They all went out. Holy shit. All right. Our friend... Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Scott. Happy birthday

to you. I want to say something real quick. This cake was put together by our friends at Cake Eater Bakery. And I said, I want a cake wreck. And she said, well, what do you want? And I said, I want a fat baby. Or I want an ugly cat. And she said, how about both?

So this is a fat, ugly cat disaster cake. It's got gray frosting so it kind of looks like a drancid. And then it says our sympathies on it. If you want to get a photo, I would highly recommend it. This is Stog's third birthday! Give it up for Stog.

Yeah! Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I haven't read the appendix of this yet. I haven't read Screech's appendix to all the women he's fucked yet. Wait, he fucked a woman in the appendix? Yes, all of them. He puts all women in the appendix. I'm sweeping you off the stage I'm sweeping you off the stage

give it up for Stock please you have no idea how many times I hear that in a day the cake wreck despite looking like a fucking disaster You have no idea how many times I hear that in a day. The cake wreck, despite looking like a fucking disaster, and they did a great job making it look like the worst cake in the world, it is a good cake. It's good. It's lemon curd.

It's delicious. Knives right there. I'm actually going to move that. So I'm going to move that to that table right there. So if you want some cake, you are welcome to it. But please, while you're doing that, you need to pay attention because this may save your soul. Oh, thank you. That was lovely, Josh. Thank you so much.

Yeah, Josh! That was excellent. What we have here is, I think, a biblical scholar. You know, you think of them You have Martin Luther You have Pope Pius Whichever one wasn't a Nazi I forget which one wasn't a Nazi

And then you have Kirk Cameron The star of Growing Pains Who teaches you about Jesus And in the section that John's reading We're going to learn about Jesus In comparison to all other religions. I don't know who will win, but I'm excited to find out.

Alright. Hey, shut up! Shut up! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, we've had a lot of fun with the jazzing and the cakes and the dust and diamond fucking ladies, but this is serious okay this is

serious guys this is serious this might save your soul okay all right now what happened was kirk cameron was on growing pains he had a really successful life and that was really tough so he turned to jesus so what that means is he does the way of the master which is basically the theological version of the hard sell. Let's see. Let me ask you some questions here. This is from the Ten Commandments. You might have heard of them. They're really popular. Okay, first, have you ever told

a lie? No. Anyone? Yeah, alright. Have you ever stolen anything? Maybe. No. Have you ever used God's name in vain? No. Fuck no. Jesus, no. Have you ever looked with lust name in vain? Fuck no. Have you ever looked with lust at someone other than your spouse?

This includes sex outside of your marriage. So adultery includes sex outside of your marriage. So if you have violated these four laws, just four of the Ten Commandments, then you are by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving,phemous, adulterer at heart, and you have to face God on Judgment Day. And that's only four of the Ten Commandments. Exactly. So the whole point of it is, hey, you got a lot of sins, you violated the Ten Commandments. Hey, so that means you're going

to hell. You're as bad as Hitler. But luckily, we have this thing called Jesus, and it'll save you. With only four easy payments of your entire life and having to go to church forever, you can be saved. So, let's say you are convinced God exists, and you realize you will have to face him on Judgment Day. But you are not sure which religion to follow to be right with God. Each religion has different teaching about God.

So, while they all can be wrong, they can't all be right. Think about it. I'll show you why Christianity is unique among religions. Imagine I offer you the choice of four gifts. One, the original Mona Lisa. Two, the keys to a brand new Lamborghini. Three, $10 million in cash. Or four, a parachute.

Not a choice. You're disqualified. You can pick only one. Which will you choose before you decide? Here's some information that will help you make the wisest choice. You have to jump 10,000 feet from an airplane. Does that help you connect the dots? It should because you need the parachute.

It's the only one of the four gifts that will help you with your dilemma. The others have some value, but they're useless when it comes to facing the law of gravity and a 10,000-foot fall. Okay, so now consider the other major religions' philosophies. One, Hinduism. Two, Buddhism. Three, Islam. And four, Christianity. Which should you choose before you decide? Here's some information that will help you determine which is your wisest choice.

All of humanity stands on the edge of eternity. Oh! Lord has spoken. We are all going to die. We will all have to pass through the door of death. It could happen to us in 20 years or in 6 months or today. Think about it.

For most of humanity, death is a huge and terrifying plummet into the unknown. So what should you do? Do you remember how it was your knowledge of the law of gravity that produced that healthy fear and that fear helped you make the best choice among the four gifts offered above? You know what the law of gravity can do from a height of 10,000 feet. In the same way, your knowledge of the moral law will hopefully help you make the best choice with your life's greatest issue, what happens when you die. So let's look now at four major religions to see which one, if any, can help you with your predicament. Number one, Hinduism. The religion of Hinduism says that if you've been bad,

you may come back as a rat or some other animal. If you've been good, you might come back as a prince. But that's like someone saying when you jump out of the plane, you'll get sucked back as another passenger. If you've been bad, you've gone down to economy class. If you've been good, you go up to first class. It's an interesting concept, but it doesn't deal with your real problem

of having sinned against God and your reality of hell. What? Oh, man. What? And there is no factual evidence for the truthfulness of that belief. How do you know your great-grandmother came back as a cat? Huh? What's up with that? Buddhism, number two. Amazingly,

some forms of Buddhism deny that God even exists. What? They declare that life and death are some sort of an illusion. That's like standing at the door of the plane and saying, I'm not really here, and there's no such thing as the law of gravity, and that's no ground I'm going to hit. That may temporarily help you deal

with your fears, but it doesn't square with reality. And, and, it doesn't deal with the real problem of having sin against God and the reality of hell. So Buddhism doesn't deal with Christian hell. That's its problem. Number three, Islam. Interestingly, Islam acknowledges the reality of sin as hell.

Sin and hell, as well as the justice of God. But the hope it offers is that you can escape God's justice if you do religious works. God will see these good works, and because of them, hopefully, he will show you mercy. But if you can't know for sure. According to this religion, each person's works will be weighted on the day of judgment and it will then be decided who is saved and who is not. Based on whether or not they follow Islam

were sincere enough in repentance and performed enough righteous deeds to outweigh their sins. So, you know, Christianity makes you believe and repent but those aren't works because Islam believes that you can earn God's mercy by your own efforts. But that's like jumping out of a plane and believing that by flapping your arms, you can overcome the law of gravity and save yourself from a 10,000 foot drop.

I can. Right? And then there's something else to consider. The law of God, the Ten Commandments, shows that even the best of us is nothing more than a guilty criminal, standing guilty and without excuse before the throne of the perfect and holy judge. When that is understood, then our righteous deeds can actually be seen as an attempt to bribe the judge of the universe. That's right.

You do good things, you give to charity, you're a fucking briber. Face up to it. Come on, people. I know, right? Let's see. When that is understood, then our righteous deeds... Oh, okay. The Bible says that because of our guilt

anything we offer god for our own justification to get ourselves off the hook is an abomination to him see proverbs 5 18 so the bible proves islam wrong so that we're set islam like other works-based religions cannot save you from the consequences of sinning against god so done three religions out the door christianity so why is Christianity different? Aren't our religions the same? Let's see. In Christianity, God himself provides a parachute for us. The Bible says to put on the Lord Jesus Christ. Just as the parachute solved your dilemma with the law of gravity and its consequences, so the Savior perfectly solves your dilemma with the law of God and its consequences. It's the missing puzzle piece that you need.

How does God solve a dilemma? He satisfied our wrath by becoming a human being and take our punishment upon himself. The scriptures tell us that God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself. Christianity provided the only parachute to save us from the consequences of the law we have broken. Sealed. Done. Thank you. Oh, damn!

Woo, Jesus! Jesus, camera, camera, hop, hop, hop. That was the fastest fucking proof of God I've ever heard in my life. Thank you, Kurt, and thank you, John. Wow, all right. Finally, I get it. So, Ethiopian bar, now you know the truth We got a little bit more action here

And all of it is still good I promise Next up is Where the fuck did you go? It is all live It is fortunately not all nude And you're welcome for that Alright So here comes It is all live. It is fortunately not all nude. And you're welcome for that.

Alright. So here comes Jack Chick. He is into death metal and Christian comics. Which is a lovely mix. And he has a romance book by Fabio. And

if you need to unbutton your pants, I totally understand. It's a good way to do it. So, good evening, Minneapolis. This is my first time in your fair city, so my reception has been very strange. I already saw middle school and sit in a strip mall, so this is definitely a little alien. We have people up front. That's excellent.

I'm very excited about that. I will be reading the book Wild, written by a gentleman named Fabio. He only has one name because he's better than all of you. That's how this thing works. I didn't actually do my homework. I didn't really read this before I came here.

So I'm just going to sort of open it up and read some shit. And hopefully it's good. Because everything I read so far has been complete train wreck. Alberto shrugged, tense at the realization that Marco Estevez had gotten to her first. Victor wouldn't like that. He wouldn't like that at all. I don't know where he is, he lied to the blonde. Did you see where they went?

Nope, I was busy just getting into the shower when they left. Or maybe I would have come outside and checked it out personally. Her words triggered a titillating image in his mind. She was naked, her slender body glistening with steamy water droplets

and slippery soap suds. Again, he felt a stab of lust that threatened to block out everything else. Remember, Victor, he urged himself.

Remember your mission. Deep in his pocket, his fingers clenched the pistol that he knew would allow him to do whatever he wanted with this pretty, sassy

woman. All he had to do was show her the gun, bring her to some private place, then tell her precisely what he wanted her to do to him. She would do it.

He knew. They always did. She might beg and plead and cry, but she would eventually get on her knees at his command, and she would pleasure him. Yeah! And then he would rip off her clothes and have his fill of her before he strangled her.

Vincent Price is wild. Vincent has run by Fabio. Just as he did to all the others back in Bogota before he'd been caught. That was when Victor, the family's shining hero, had come to his rescue,

no doubt at the urging of his mother, Aunt Maria, who also happened to be Alberto's godmother. Victor had never been particularly fond of Alberto, but he would do anything for his beloved madre. This is good. I got an audience here. That's helpful. Thanks, guys. And so he had hired some savvy lawyers. And he had pulled some strings and paid people off.

And finally he had gotten Alberto out of there. Then, to Alberto's surprise, Victor had given him a chance to come to Florida and work for him. On one condition. That Alberto control himself. No more women. No more killing.

Unless, of course, Alberto himself ordered a hit. Holy shit! So I'm going to skip ahead in this excellent, excellent novel. No, no, no, trust me. This will be good, this will be good.

She had never really trusted him, not even in the good times. That much she remembered. She couldn't pinpoint what exactly he had done to inspire her skepticism. But it was more than the fact that he was an incredibly fantastic looking man

who probably had women stashed all over the country. She had sensed that he was filled with secrets. That with him, what you saw wasn't what you got.

I will wait for you all to get over your minds being blown. Holy shit! I'm ducky off right now. Shit, I'm holy. Meanwhile, she had secrets of her own to keep. She wouldn't let him know how badly she had been hurt in the past, how alone she was now, how desperately she longed to find love and a stable future. stable future.

So she had God in her heart, growing practiced in stealing it against Marco Estevez. And the sooner she got the hang of doing that again, the better. I am so hard!

I am getting beat by Anestaves, especially one who is starting the Mighty Ducks. So, skipping ahead again here. Thank you! Thank you! You're welcome! Thank you, John! He turned to her, marveling at her impetuous speech.

The woman clearly believed that she was her enemy, that he had meant to cause her harm. For Christ's sake, she was handcuffed to him and knew he had a gun in his pocket. Yet she still found the nerve to tell him what to do. You're really something, he told her, shaking his head at the obstinate gleam in her enormous dark eyes. I'm really something? How do you figure that? You just are. You think that you can stand there and tell me what you will and won't do?

Her expression remained defiant. You think that you can stand there and tell me what to do? She shot back. This was ludicrous, he thought. Here she was, ostensibly his prisoner, and yet she persisted in letting him

know she didn't intend to meekly follow his orders. But you told her you had no intention of hurting her, that you were doing this for your own good, he reminded himself. Yes, and she hadn't believed a word of it. Leah, he said after a moment, with her insolent gaze still

resting upon his face you really don't have a chance about where you spend the night and with whom and I don't have a choice either yeah

and here we go this is chapter either. Yeah! Yeah! And here we go. This is chapter 14, the end of the book. We are reaching the climax. Ooh! That's climax! Yay!

Climax! Why don't we go up to my private quarters? Marco suggested turning to Marco and Leah. I'm not making that up. It literally fucking says, why don't we go to my private quarters? Marco suggested turning again to Marco and Leah. Turning again to Marco and Leah.

You just broke the earth! I'll personally escort me sudden. He reached out and yanked Leah toward him. She didn't make a sound as he stood behind her and closed his hands tightly around her

upper arms, propelling her along the back hall. His polished wingtips tapped along the terracotta floor as he moved briskly to the stairway. Marco, following behind, flanked by the other three armed posse members kept his eyes peeled for any chance to escape. But he knew it was hopeless. What he

needed was Enrique! There you are! Enrique! He heard Victor say as he mounted the stairs, I've been wondering when you've been these past few days. I'm glad you got my message to meet you here.

I need to do some time off, Victor. And Enrique responded, Well, I need you here now! It's a good thing you came. Look who dropped in! As Marco reached the top of the stairs, he saw that Victor was still holding Leah like some prized kill. Enrique's dark, expressionless eyes flicked over her and then towards Marco.

I think you'll be surprised to discover, as I was, that our friend here isn't who he claimed to be, Victor said Enrique. What? Wait, what? Read that again. Read that again, please. I will read this in regular voice so you all can understand. Thank you, thank you. I think you'll be surprised to discover, comma, as I was, comma, that our friend here wasn't who he claimed to be, comma, quotation,

Victor said Enrique. Lemon, am I breaking you? That doesn't get better than that sentence. It does not get better than that sentence. Mr. Jack Check! Mr. Jack Check! Mr. Jack Check! Alright, the next man up here,

almost closing out the night, we got Jimmy Franks. Jimmy Franks in the back. You all are familiar with Mr. T, very different from Ice-T, very distinctive and unique. This is Jimmy Franks, Mr. T, the man with the gold.

Hey, thanks, Mr. T, The Man with the Gold Hey, thank you everybody Thank you Carrying on with the tradition of celebrity authors who did not require an editor This is Mr. T, The Man with the Gold, an autobiography by Mr. T Written by Mr. T Written about Mr. T Presumably for Mr. T This book

Let me start with the frontispiece here. Mr. T says, I live by the golden rule. The man with the gold rules. Chapter one, who is Mr. T? A gold man. So you want to meet Mr. T, personal and up close, the man with the gold not just around his neck but deep down in his heart. Well, this is my story about my life.

And I wrote it myself, without a ghostwriter. Because if I had a ghostwriter, my book would have become his story instead of my story. Oh, I see. I'm sure there will be other books about me, but they won't tell it like it is. So if you want to read the honest-to-goodness truth about Mr. T, this is it. But, on the other hand, if you want to read lies, scandals, and half-truths,

then read someone else's point of view about Mr. T. There's so many! Mr. T. So here is the unadulterated truth, told, written, and spoken in such terms that even a fool can understand what I am talking about. Listen up. Listen up, Blue Nile.

Listen up, Blue Nile. It's a great book because it really touches on Different eras in T's life From growing up in poverty To just how awesome he is A lot of that Just think for a moment how hard I had it Growing up in poverty and being a poor Nappy headed, snotty nose, raggedy, hungry black child. Now, I am not bitter, nor do I hate anybody. I just want you to know

where I came from. I should make it clear right now that my sole purpose and reason for writing this book is not to make a million dollars, no, but to let you, the public, know who Mr. T really is and what Mr. T is trying to do. This is what this book is about, not just some gossip about my private life. There is no celebrity story here. No, no. But listen to Mr. T when he speaks because it's time he tells it like it is, with no holds barred and no punches pulled. I'm going to tell you the card cold facts about me, and I'm not ashamed of anything that I've done. Because if a push becomes a shove, I'll do it all again.

Holy shit! Everything that I did was done in the name of survival. So don't try to question my judgment on any certain occasion. But put yourself in my position at the time of that decision. I will guarantee that when you finish this book, you will owe me an apology. And it goes on like that for about 30 pages. And just really to sum up, I wrote this book. No, really. Yeah, yeah. It's not hard to believe. There's some stuff about his early childhood. I grew up in Kankanee, Illinois.

They did not have a kindergarten, so I went straight to first grade. I was the poorest kid in the classroom, but not the poorest in the school because some of my brothers and sisters were enrolled in the school also. I remember my school days very well. I was picked up by a big yellow school bus, and once on the bus, all the kids would look and compare their lunches but not me i would hide my lunch bag behind my back because i had egg sandwiches or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on homemade biscuits that sounds good what's the problem not peanut butter and jelly

my family was so poor i could not afford to buy a bottle of milk, which only cost one cent in 1957. Oh, no. Things were rough in the tea household. One thing I got tired of hearing was that I was the baby boy of the family. It was true that I was the baby boy, but my older brothers didn't have to drive it into the ground. Everywhere I would go, if I was with one of my brothers or even with my father,

I would be introduced as, this is my baby brother, or this is my baby son. That word baby stuck with me a long time. Then one day, one of my brothers started calling me Truck, and that was to become my nickname. A couple of years later, I found out they gave me that name because I have a big and long head my brothers would tease me about it and I would tell my father and he would whip all of them who were laughing some of my sometimes my brothers would call me football front and basketball back or balloon head, water head, and even pumpkin head. They used to say, boy, you should be very smart and have lots of sense because you have a very big head. Those bastards!

Holy shit! So, I know, it's tough for T. So in 1972, I changed my name to Mr. T. Why? Because I got tired of white people calling me boy. You see, a lot of whites have this problem of calling all black men boys. It doesn't matter how old they are. It's still boy this and boy that.

When I am addressed, the very first word that comes out of a person's mouth must be mister. It's a sign of respect. As a black man growing up in a white society, I ask you, what does a black man have to do before he is given respect? When I was 18 years old, I was old enough to fight and die for my country and the United States Army, but still I couldn't live where my money afforded me. It was at that moment I knew I needed respect. So I started my name, Mr. T. I don't allow no one to call me just T. My first name is Mr. My middle name is that period, and my last name is T. Fuck you, English! Fuck you!

USA! USA! USA! USA! Middle name? If I say my name is Mr. T, then call me Mr. T. When I'm referred to by my real name, I don't answer or respond. When bills come with that name on them, I say, that person doesn't live here anymore. That's why I'm homeless. When the phone rings and someone asks for Lawrence Tarrow, I say, that person doesn't live here anymore. That's why I'm homeless. When the phone rings and someone asks for Lawrence Tarrow, I say, wrong number.

So pretty soon, people got the message and started acting accordingly as far as my name is concerned. So let's skip ahead. Some other shit happened. And then came Rocky 3. Apollo Creed, motherfucker! and then came Rocky III. Filming Rocky III was just like a dream come true. It didn't seem real.

I felt like Alice in Wonderland or Dorothy in the Land of Oz because it was just a couple of years ago that I had been in a local Chicago theater watching Rocky II, and now all of a sudden here I was fighting Rocky Balboa in Rocky III. It was just hard to believe, but it was for real, and it did happen. I am glad that it happened the way it did, because it helped me to keep my head level and also helped me to stay humble. Do you remember that? Suddenly, I was on my way with stars in my eyes and big bucks in my pockets. No more small-time stuff for Mr. T.

No more bit parts. No more local talent jive. I have finally taken control of the situation, and I am command of my destiny. I call the shots. No longer do I have to wait in line, run around, seeing people and calling them, because the tables have turned. They call me, and I make to wait in line, run around, seeing people and calling them because the tables have turned. They call me and I make them wait. I am in a position to pick and choose more movies, TV commercials, stock shows, speaking engagements and so on.

The red carpet treatment everywhere I go. Mr. T cereal. The more I roll, the bigger I get and the richer I become. Like they say, there's no business like show business. I like chips. All right, I'm going to wrap this up real quick. From the chapter, will success spoil Mr. T? The answer may surprise you.

Oh, no. So the answer to your question, will success spoil Mr. T, is a big fat no! But I am not here to try and convince you, because I know how the human brain works, and you are going to believe what you want to believe. Now I will say this, if you stop worrying about Mr. T and concentrate on your own life, you will be a much better person. And success just might come your way if you live right

and treat other people right. Mr. T! Mr. T! W-W-T-T! T! Mr. T! W-W-T-T! T! T! If anything deserved the dropping of a microphone, that would be it.

Hey, John, I know you want a summary. And as much as I don't want to follow that delightful fucking Mr. T thing, oh, I do not want to follow that. That was brilliant. And everyone was fucking, this is so good. But since I'm the guy that organized this, I get to read two things.

Shut the fuck up. All right. So this book is called Andy Rooney's 60 Years of Wit and Wisdom. And one of the things that I like so much about this book, other than it being Andy Rooney, and I love Andy Rooney's 60 Years of Wit and Wisdom. One of the things that I like so much about this book, other than it being Andy Rooney, and I love Andy Rooney, is that it works like an old man's brain. The beginning of it is long essays

about shit that nobody cares about. Then it's shorter essays about shit that nobody cares about. Then it's the famous people that he knew who died. Then the end of it is just random shit that popped cares about. And then it's the famous people that he knew who died. And then the end of it is just random shit that popped into his head. So to that end, I want to actually rip out all these and

just give you the very end of the book. Senility! Senility! Senility! This, let's say, chapter, I guess, this is called The Following Things Are True. A great number of people are unsure of what's true and what isn't. From time to time, in an effort to help those who are confused, I present lists of things that are true. Herewith, more movies are too long than too short.

In spite of any recession, prices always go up. They may not always be going up fast in hard times, but they still go up. If Beethoven was played as loud as rock music, I wouldn't like that either. People don't think they really look like pictures of themselves.

You don't see as many parakeets or canaries as you used to. I don't know why not. Chinese food isn't as popular as it was 20 years ago. Here I mean. It's just as popular as ever in China. I mean. It's just as popular as ever in China.

Considering how poor they say they are in Russia these days, it's surprising how many of them wear those mink hats. Believing there are differences in racism doesn't make anyone a racist. It's surprising how convincingly someone who is guilty can say he didn't do it. They're guilty.

Are those two things related? Yeah, huh. A lot of people spend too much time being careful. I love this one. I really love this one. It doesn't snow as much as it used to. And furthermore, it never did. What the hell does that mean?

You know what it means. I don't know what that means. Getting up and down off the floor is easier when you're young. I'm not young anymore. Getting up and down off the floor is easier when you're young. I'm not young anymore. Licking a stamp or an envelope is a disgusting thing to do. I like this one.

I like this one. We're lucky the Japanese don't speak English. Why? No, they don't. No, they don't. I'm Andy Rooney and you're wrong. Cheerleaders with short skirts and megaphones are out of date and have no effect whatsoever on the performance of the team they are exhorting. No longer.

They used to. They used to. They used to in the past. Yeah, no, totally. They were there for the team. That's a fucking lie. I don't drink beer from a bottle, and I never see how anyone drinks it from a can. I don't drink beer very often, and I can imagine drinking two. When I drink a beer, it tastes best if I wet the glass

and chill it in a freezer for a few minutes first. Two make me bilious. Bilious? Bilious? Why are you Andy Rooney? Explain, Andy Rooney! Okay, okay. That means I puke after two beers.

That's beer's fault. I agree. I'm never drinking beer again. that's beer's fault. The shades are always down in my office. If it's a beautiful day outside, I don't want to know. He hates the sunshine. That bird's singing. He's a vampire. He's a cable TV man. Oh, okay Okay, wait I need, oh I'm gonna give you a good one

But first, this one Before the good one. This one sucks. There is a definite difference between Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola, and one is clearly better than the other. I can't even drink the other. That one sucked. That one sucked.

This one doesn't. Many kids in school like their teachers. Teachers. When you pump your own gas at a self-service place, it's not hard to end up with a little gas on your hands. There might be a market for a machine that dispenses little packets containing a piece of wet cloth or paper that you could use to clean your hands with. No way! I'd pay a nickel, but not a quarter.

You don't have to pay anything! It's free! How is that a fact? Grandpa, stop shooting! Nobody cares! You're going to listen to me. It's free. How is that a fact? Grandpa, stop kidding. Nobody cares. You're going to listen to me. I was in the war. I love war. And then on the same topic, it's difficult to stop the gas pump on an even amount of money. It's a 50-50 chance.

There's too much glass in a car on hot on hot sunny days we don't need all that windshield what's gonna do with all that windshield fuck no this this is your purgatory i hate purgatory hollywood movies are the best art america produces I hate territory. I love to live alone. Hollywood movies are the best art America produces. The best thing is butter. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA! USA! USA! And finally, if I could start over, I'd be a much better person. But I can't start over. And folks, that is ten awful books from ten awful people. Read with enthusiasm.

Hey, John, other than how good beer tastes, what do you think you learned today? I learned that I'm going to try vajazzling. Okay, you don't have a vagina, so how do you expect that to work out? I'll let you know later. That's fantastic. Okay, seriously, though. That's fantastic. Okay, seriously though. Seriously.

Seriously. If you're a celebrity, you can write whatever shit you want and people will buy it for like 25 bucks. And that's the best thing. That's what makes America great. I gave 18 dollars. I'm dying. I still did not get my penny.

I want to thank you all so very much for coming down. For what it's worth, we're all going to be playing Rock Band at Grumpy's tomorrow because we're nerds. My name is Lemon. These people are my friends. You people are fantastic. Thank you. And please, have a very good night.