The F Plus - live2a: F Plus Live 2 | F Plus Improves Your Life | Part 1

Episode Date: October 12, 2011

In our second live show, The F Plus Improves Your Life with the following readings... Kumquatxop: Here's The Situation by The Situation Boots Raingear: How to Good-bye Depression by by Hiroyuki Nishigaki Jack Chick: The Love Voodoo Kit by Voodoo Lou STOG The Power (The Secret) by Rhonda Byrne John Toast: Every Young Man's Battle by Stephen Arterburn

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I have enjoyed very much making you wait, but that time is over. It is time for F Plus Live. How are you doing out there, you fine, sexy people? How are you doing? That amount of applause was depressing. I say that for two reasons. First of all, it totally was.

I asked you for enthusiasm. You gave me, woo! Yeah, that was worse. The second time was way worse. But the other reason is that I know you people are down. It is a bad economy.

I don't know. There's weird people that are running for president. And that's strange. I mean, actually, that's not strange. That's actually really common. Bring back Ross Perot! But we're going to fix you tonight. Because tonight, F Plus improves your life.

All right? Are you ready for that? So here's what's going to happen. life. Alright? Are you ready for that? So here's what's going to happen. I am going to introduce 11 readers with 11 different books of ways to improve your life. And I'm going to

check back on you from time to time. And we're going to find out how you're doing. We're going to find out if your life has been improved. And fortunately, judging from that applause in the beginning, I have a really good baseline. If you can't get louder than that, something's fucking wrong. I mean, I'm sorry that your grandma died, but don't take it out on me.

All right. The first person I want to bring up here is Mr. Kumquat Zop. That's you right there. All right. This is Kumquat Zopp, and he is going to be reading a book which Jessica Armbruster described as the U.S.'s answer to the Dalai Lama. Kumquat, please, improve these people's lives. I know I don't want to stop.

Stop isn't going to get any more love from me. Improve these people's lives! Hello. Hi. So, I have the first three pages that are not content pages. I'm going to read to you, I swear to God,

I'm not going to read them in order, but I'm going to read an excerpt I swear to God, I'm not going to read them in order, but I'm going to read an excerpt from each page. All right. How small a fraction of all the measureless infinity of time is allotted to each one of us, an instant, and it vanishes into eternity. How puny, too, is your portion of all the world's substance. How insignificant your share of all the world's soul? How insignificant your share of all the world's soul?

On how minute a speck of the whole earth do you creep? As you ponder these things, make up your mind that nothing is of any import save what to do, what your own nature directs, and to bear what the world's nature sends you. Marcus Aurelius, Meditations. Quoted from the Penguin Great Ideas Edition, 2005. Translated by Maxwell Staniforth. Yeah! This is off to a good start.

I'm feeling better already. Smart guys saying smart things. Next. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be produced, stored in, or introduced in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronical, mechanical, photocopying, quoting or otherwise

without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book. Are you going to read the whole thing? Who's going to be writing them off? That was what I signed up for. Next. Friends, bros, countrymen,

lend me your ears. Here we go. Yeah! Yeah! Now we're there. lend me your ears for the situation has come to give you the situation in my 28 years of crushing it I have come to give one simple realization.

Life is a battle. It's you against the beat, fist against the air. Watch out for your feet! Skin against the sun, hair against gravity. Skin against the sun, hair against gravity, bicep against dumbbell, wingman against grenade, and escalade against another summer Friday traffic to the Jersey Shore.

Some will leave the field victorious with a hot chick on their arm, while others, ellipsis. Well, do I really need to embarrass them further by writing about them here? Yes, please! Now, I don't know if you're aware of the full title of this book, but the full title

of this book is Here's the Situation, a guide to creeping on chicks, avoiding grenades, and getting in your GTL on the Jersey Shore. Can anyone hazard a guess as to what GTL means? Gays, transvestites, and lesbians. Almost.

Almost? Dog tells lies! The specific acronym actually stands for gym, tanning, and laundry. Laundry? Laundry. I would like to illustrate what is meant by laundry. 90% of the time

I roll into a club, I'm wearing a t-shirt. But we're not talking about a Hanes BBT. We're talking about a silky thin, fitted, designer number, ideally with metallic

embellishments and embedded jewelry. It's like a knight putting on his armor. Or a Delta Force commando pulling on his battle rattle. What's a battle rattle? They sell it at Hot Topic.

For years, the fine people at Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Christian Audigier have been outfitting me and my fellow hardcore creepers with sick t-shirts. sick t-shirts. But now, you can take your shirt situation up to the situation situation with my own clothing line by Dillagaff. Two pages in

and we've had a plug. Finally! Note that some cutting edge shirts today include a necklace integrated into the garment itself. If you think that means you don't have to wear a separate standalone necklace, you couldn't be more wrong. We'll get old Mr. T up in this. Yeah, double up on that.

Now, I know some of you are curious about how to smell underneath your t-shirt. Fragrance. The final element of your personal grooming is your scent. Science informs us that men and women are attracted to each other through, among other factors, pheromones, i.e. the way we smell. It's critical that you consider the mood you're trying to convey and tailor your cologne accordingly.

Whether that fragrance is Axe Body Spray Twist, or Axe Body Spray Rise, or Axe Body Spray Dark Temptation, it's all up to you! Just make sure it's Axe. The possibilities are endless. With Axe. Does the book have a sponsor? Does it have a little trademark symbol by each axe?

No. No, it does not. What if you use baking soda to preserve your manly musk? That is a situation. However, however, a rookie mistake when pre-gaming is to wear your club shirt while doing so.

While you're sitting on the couch, you're putting creases in your freshly pressed tea, and you're running the risk of spilling a beverage on yourself. That's not fresh. That's just science. So veterans know that there's the shirt, and there's the shirt before the shirt. It's going to be just full of shirt. Pre-shirting. This is the wife beater you wear while pre-gaming.

When it's time to hit the club, you put your fresh-to-death t-shirt on over your wife beater, and then you roll. Simple as that. Dog. Come quiet. I'm sorry, one quick question. You just said dog. How is that spelled?

D-A-W-G. I figured, but I wanted to check. Thank you. Yes. At some point, you're going to want to hit that dance floor because there's no way you can stand the beat pumping through your body without surrendering

to its gravitational pull. That's what beats do. Gravity works. According to science. Fist pumping became a club necessity when the dance floor got so crowded from the bumping house music that the only place

left to dance was up. Like dancing on the ceiling? Is he Lionel Richie? Is this according to science as well? To execute the perfect fist bump, follow these simple steps. Listen to the music. Feel the beat.

And let your body begin to respond unconsciously. Go only with what feels right in that moment. Don't worry about what looks polished. Who cares what some gorilla thinks while he's watching you vibe on the floor? Why is some dude looking at you anyway? That's so gay. Close your eyes and start

furiously pumping your fist at the air. That's right, not into the air, but at it. There was a whole song about this. You've got to beat back that beat. Battle it, bro! You can't let it win! The deep, thumping bass seizes hold of your every

corpuscle! Let the beat strip away those last vestiges of self-conscious embarrassment as you pound, pound, pound the air into rhythmic submission. Battle harder. Keep battling, dog. Never surrender. Ah, but in the end, the beat always wins.

As it always should. It's a warrior ideal. It's not in the victory, it's in the struggle. On wingmen and grenades. It's not in the victory, it's in the struggle. On wingmen and grenades. The club, my friends, is a battlefield. And you should treat it as such. You need to roll in there like a special ops platoon on a mission.

Your target, banging a chick. Anything that gets in the way of that mission should be dealt with swiftly and with no mercy. But it's never that easy. Because like in any war zone, you can get killed in the club, and death will usually come via grenade. Wait, literally? Wait, what? Yes. I assume so, yeah.

Yes. Wow, don't go to clubs in Israel. It's a rule of the universe. More often than not, there is going to be a good-looking girl, and then there's going to be the grenade. A grenade is defined as the least attractive of the pair or group of females that you are trying to close the deal with.

Invariably, the grenade will spend the night complaining with her arms crossed, and will usually at some point try to leave the club, taking her hot friend with her and out of your target range. Grenades are not to be underestimated because they can go off at any time and the collateral damage will take out you and your whole team. I'm starting to

think this guy doesn't have a healthy attitude towards women. No! You shut your mouth! Ah, but he does. I'm glad you asked. What's grenade talk, Jimmy? Eating out. At a restaurant, that is. Oh, you sir are the king of wits!

The last thing you want to do is pick up your date, start driving blindly out on the parkway, then turn and say, that place looks good, I guess. Let's eat there. If you roll up to a place out of the blue having never been there before, having done zero recon, that's the moment your date you will know you're a clown.

And the face paint. Whoop, whoop, whoop. Maybe you've been to the Olive Garden in Toms River, New Jersey, but does that mean you can trust that the Olive Garden in Eatontown, New Jersey will be just as classy? Yeah, probably. Olive Garden gets bitches wet.

The Olive Garden no more. Do you know for a fact that the chicken scampi will be succulent and the breadsticks unlimited at this strange New Olive Garden? No, dude. You don't. Yes, isn't that policy?

Unlimited breadsticks. It's in all their commercials. Oh, oh, God, this picture. Can anyone guess what this picture is? Is that how to make a protein shake when you're camping? Yes. Yes, it is. Holy shit! Yes. Yes, it is. Holy shit!

Yes, yes it is. I'm glad you asked, because... The first thing you'll need to do is to consume a protein shake to maintain your energy level. Keep in mind, this is while camping. Construct a rainwater receptacle by turning an Ed Hardy tee inside out to protect the graphic and various adornments.

If you're using Hanes, it's not going to work. No. No. Stretch it between four vertical sticks. Weigh down the center with a tube of gel to channel fresh water into one of those plastic cocktail cones that Snooki always drinks from.

That's a lot of stuff to bring on a camping trip. He didn't even have to remind his target audience to have gel on them. plastic cocktail cones that Snooki always drinks from. That's a lot of stuff to bring on a camping trip. He didn't even have to remind his target audience to have gel on them. Use your iPhone to peel away pine bark, refilling the pulp and sap beneath. Sorry, there's no app for this. Muddle together the water and pulp, mixing in sap and bits of pine bark to taste,

until you have a thick protein beverage packed with dense nutrients. Set aside any excess sap for later use in case you run low on gel while skilling your backwards blowout. This sounds like a good idea. Yes. Write that down. Now, I know you're wondering about his fitness situation. The fitness situation of the situation's fitness.

Yes. As a certified personal trainer, a former professional underpants model, and a guy who looks like Rambo, pretty much with his shirt off, I know a thing or two about physical fitness. Now, I may be blessed with superior genetics, but I still hit the gym hard for 90 minutes, five or six days a week. If you want to develop a situation of your own, you can't be half-assed about your workouts. And if you're not locking down the G, you don't deserve to move on to the

T and the L, because it don't make sense to tan a flabby midsection, or to obtain crisp laundry to pull over withered biceps. It all begins in the gym. And that applies to everyone. Not just world-famous individuals like the situation. If you skip the gym, you're not going to perform at the peak of your abilities. Whether it be a job at an insurance office or starring on cable TV's highest-rated show at its most coveted demographic.

No, it isn't! No, it isn't! My fitness situation comes down to three things. Lifting, cardio, and nutrition. Like how God is simultaneously the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Aha! Trinity! Trinity! Lifting. Big as out, and lean as in.

It's important to have a well-balanced physique, but chicks dig two things, biceps and abs. Moreover, these muscles will come in handy on a day-to-day basis. When you go to the dry cleaner to pick up your fresh shirts, what muscle are you going to use to pick them up? That's right, your biceps. And what happens if on the way home from the dry cleaner, you spill some protein shake on your shirt?

You'd need a washboard to clean them before the stain sets, right? Good thing you'd be carrying a washboard at all times in the form of your abs. Interplay like this is why GTL is a rock solid system. I've thought this shit out, bro.

Now, what are you going to put on your guns? There once was a time when every bro had a tribal armband tattoo over his biceps. But now, now the field of acceptable tattoos has grown to include the following categories. Catholic, suitable iconography includes praying hands, rosary beads, and Jesus on the cross. Bonus points if Jesus has ripped up abs.

and Jesus on the Cross. Bonus points if Jesus has ripped up abs. Brand logos. Most commonly, Ed Hardy and Cadillac. But also Red Bull and Eno Explode workout supplement. Familial. Family name rendered in tasteful Italian flag motif. Nana's chicken piccata recipe.

Et cetera. A recipe? What? Personally. Where's the disconnect here? Personally, I've never gotten a tattoo because I put so much work into my physique that to cover it up with ink seems like a crime against nature.

If someone is going to draw all over me, it's going to be enfrosting, and she's going to lick it off afterwards. But each bro should take his own counsel in this matter. Your bro above all other bros. Your wingman. Your wingman is the most important member of your team. He can steer females your way,

and most importantly, take out the grenades you will inevitably encounter. Your game should be complementary, enabling you to handle whatever females wander within your coordinates. Of course, wingman status is a very fluid thing, and there will come times where you yourself, for the survival of the team, may find yourself taking out a grenade.

The worst kind of grenade is a grenade who doesn't know she's a grenade. They remind me of those early contestants during the audition stage on American Idol. It's just sad, bro. Not all wingmen are perfect, and you must constantly evaluate if you've chosen the right partner.

The first sign of a subpar wingman is when you're paired off with a couple chicks, and your buddy can't hold his own with his lady, resulting in her ruining your time with the chick you're trying to get with. If your wingman is not able to stabilize the situation with his girl, then he's no wingman.

Boo! Fuck that guy. He's a maverick. Best of both, wingman. Ask the sitch. Cue. What's the situation's take on sloppy seconds? Who asked this question?

I did A Please God let it be a rhetorical question That depends on many factors For instance How late at night is it? Is there an opportunity to establish untainted relations with a different female? This is an instance where a guy must do the math

and rationalize the best approach to a girl who may have just had sex with your friend ten minutes prior Math is the last resort If you decide to pursue, be sure to avoid all bodily crevices where your friend's foods may have accumulated Yeah! Yeah! I was making myself the decision, who am I going to start out with? And then I said,

I'm going to start out with Kumquats Up and the situation. One more time for Kumquats Up, please. Absolutely beautiful. Now, I want to ask you there. You there. Not you. No, the guy behind you. You there with the hair.

Yes. I have a question for you. How do you keep healthy? By not dying. By not dying. That is a fine concept, but not the best concept. Mr. Boots Reingear is going to come up here, and he is going to teach you how to get your demons out.

Please, somebody click on that, because that's a... Yeah! Okay. Alright, this is Mr. Boots Reingear, and he is going to give you some health advice that I am fucking positive you have never heard before. Hey, guys. All right. All right, the book I have is called

How to Goodbye Depression. There's some small text there you probably can't read. I'll get to that in a bit. It's written by a man named Hiroyuki Nishigaki, and his story begins December 13, 1999, on Usenet. Anybody who doesn't know what Usenet is, it was what the internet had before web forums.

Right. All right. So, Hiroyuki Nishigaki posts, Hello. How to goodbye depression is how to strengthen your internal organs, how to have good complexion, and how to grow younger.

I think it is effective to constrict your anus 100 times, dent your navel 100 times in succession every day. What? Of course. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway without being noticed for you to do so. I have known 70-year-old men who have practiced it for 20 years.

As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness, and joy. He has neither complained nor borne grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make star, star three times in succession without drawing out. star, star, three times in succession without drawing out. Yeah! And thus,

his story begins. So, I have this book. It's 240 pages of whatever it is. Good advice is what it is. Of good advice. Of great advice. And I'm just going to go through it

and find some things that I found that I thought were really fun so on December 21st internet user said ask this question is there an anal constriction video and half hour infomercial? and not Is there an anal constriction video and half-hour infomercial? And not one to avoid answering questions.

Some people, and I, will found a club such as Anus 100 Club, if possible. Then we will make such a video in which all of us perform and talk about our own overcoming depression. We will give such a video for free to someone who is suffering from big anxiety and depression. We may be on the air. That day hasn't happened yet,

but soon. Only soon. If people like you and me can spread the word of how to goodbye depression. The following paragraph I really like because it appears at least 15 times in this book. And anytime I say star star, that is just two asterisks side by side.

Anytime I say pound pound, that is anytime two pound signs appear next to each other and I have no idea what the fuck they're supposed to mean. I got a suggestion. I think we should elect what star star and pound pound mean. Yeah, does anybody have a suggestion? A suggestion for what star star means?

Finger puppets. Finger puppets? I heard finger puppets. Polysyllabic word. Finger puppets? I heard finger puppets. What? Watermelon. Watermelon. Watermelon. Let's call it monosyllabic.

Okay. Your gunshot of watermelon will become longer than that of your high school for two weeks after finishing three-week fasting. You will be able to take back youth again. I think you will regret. I am stupid enough to have postponed practicing fasting

till now. So I don't know what that means, but it's in there 15 times. Enjoy. Use that. Make your life better. Oh, here's my favorite part. I don't know how to introduce these because it's just... I'm just going to go.

If you live like an animal in a dangerous African plain, you will become less sticky and become alert and strong. Even in a zoo, danger and struggle seem to be essential for animals to live long. The curator of some zoo

said, and this is a quote, if I make male giraffe live together with ten female giraffes, a male giraffe will die of disease soon. If I make two male giraffes live together with ten female giraffes, two male giraffes will not die of disease soon, but will live long

enough, although they fight about ten female giraffes and always injure their necks on each other because of their fight. It's obvious, right? Since the hot spring of white... How is this the beginning of a... This is apparently the beginning of a chapter. Since the hot spring of white, lukewarm water

made me feel relieved, relaxed, and began to cure the lamp of my underbelly and my frequent urination at the age of 51. Wait, what? What? Frequent urination? Urination. That's one thing to be proud of is an old guy who pees himself. Right.

Yeah. I'm peeing too much. You know, just, okay. I have begun to follow the comfortable response of my body to my surroundings. I have tried to feel comfortable or uncomfortable response of my body as possible before I go eat, buy, meet, drink, listen, write, or stay.

I feel a comfortable response of my body. I will go eat, buy, meet, drink, listen, write, or stay. Yeah! Holy shit! Here's where it gets deep. I was on the brink of getting killed by injection by Japanese at the age of six in China.

This is a light-hearted chapter. Yeah, yeah. If you want to hear it again, okay. I was on the brink of being killed by injection by Japanese at the age of six in China. So he stopped the rape of Nanking by flexing his anus. I slipped out a few times before injection.

About 100 Japanese children standing around me were killed by injection. When Japanese repatriated from the northeastern region of China in the defeat of World War II, Japanese often killed their children in China because their children were a drag on their coming back to Japan safely.

Okay. So now that I've given you a little summary of what there is to find in this book, we're going to play a game. I like games. Yeah. So this game is that I want somebody to give me a number between 100 and 237.

184. I heard 184. 184. It is because of that dirty energy body of other devil and your complaints about opposite sex, health, son or daughter, parents, boss, money, work or post that have made your energy body dirty, sticky, feverish, cold or numb. As a result, the ability to imagine positive thinking and positive self-image has declined. Can I get another number?

193? Okay. But since then, the subtle unpleasant lump has happened to my underbelly. It has caused my frequent urination too. The subtle unpleasant lump of my underbelly and my frequent urination had kept torturing me and making me irritated for 25 years.

After its 1.5 year impotence, I still felt as if an arrow had pierced my underbelly. You know, that sounds weird, but I figure if Ron Perlman read it, it would be an Oscar. I'm sorry I'm not Ron Perlman. So am I. We'll have some more prosthetic makeup. Let's do one more.

A number. A number. 206. 159. I'm going to do one more. Okay. A number. A number. 206. 159. I'm going to do 159. Because it's like right where I was. If you cannot understand that the spirit can give us happy, lucky feeling, inspiration, health, and natural power at all,

you had better read the scriptures carefully many times. That's the first time I've come across... Okay. Shots. Okay. The Scriptures is the book which has introduced many examples to the spirits approached, invaded into Jewish people, and helped them.

Whoa! Good choice. Furthermore, you had better ask founders, big men, pioneers, enterprisers, or masters about the spirit because they are apt to act, talk, or see with abandon, largesse, and humor

so that they can burn the strong, beautiful fires within their bodies which can beckon the spirit. Most of us cannot understand the spirit at all and regard the people who talk about the spirit as insane. What? Founders, big men, pioneers,

enterprisers, and masters have kept the spirit in secret and received happy lucky feeling, inspiration health, and supernatural power from the spirits in secret. Fuck. So. Fuck. So, I hope I was clear. And that...

Has anybody in this room so far goodbye depression? Yes. All of it. I'm only up to 63. Mission accomplished. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Boots Reingear. And that book, I actually want to read that. Because his book, One More Time, was called How to Goodbye Depression If You Constrict anus 100 times every day. Malarkey or effective way? Boo drink here one more time, please. There's been many things in here already. It has been a little bro-y.

It has been a little buddy. But the thing that it has not been, it has not been metal. Why the fuck are you sitting down? You can see on the screen that you're next. Get the hell up here. See, I want you to, maybe you're asking yourself, hey Lemon,

how is it that you organize this many people? And you just kind of yell at them until they come up on the stage. This guy right here is Jack Chick. And for those of you that cannot get girls, he's got a very special way to help you.

Jack Chick, ladies and gentlemen! Hello, ladies. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, everybody. I put a spell on you. All right. So, hello, everybody. Because of my... You know, earlier we were listening to the situation and his various very misogynist tips.

This is all about love. So I want you to all feel the love. I want you to get into this. So what this is, is this is the love voodoo kit. Now this is actually a kit. It comes with a voodoo doll. However, I received this book from a garage sale. So the doll was not included, obviously, because it was 100% effective.

So I mean, it's credible. This is credible information, right? Okay, right. All right, so now that we've... The book is no longer necessary for them. No, so now we're going to share that with all of you, and you can construct your own voodoo dolls. That's not covered in the book,

but, you know, I figure it isn't that hard, right? What could go wrong? Exactly. So this book is written by a gentleman named Voodoo Lou. And he likes to start off by giving a history of voodoo. So we're going to be providing you with a history of voodoo. You guys want to hear a history of voodoo? Hell yeah.

All right. In a nutshell, voodoo involves the harnessing of supernatural forces to bring balance and justice to the universe. It's a good thing, you see. Not like what they try to pass off as voodoo in all of these cheesy Hollywood movies. You won't find any slow-moving zombies in these pages, and even if you did, would that be any stranger than the Pope's big hat? You see, one man's superstition is another man's religion.

And while those two guys duke it out, I welcome you newcomers to the wonderful hybrid of voodoo. Now, I could stop here and pressure you into buying those other voodoo kits first. I do have major student loan payments from the University of Haiti to cover, plus an overdue damage bill in the dorm room, and I would be

remiss if I didn't warn you that jumping into this without the original voodoo kit is like watching Godfather 3 without having seen Godfather and Godfather 2. Why the fuck would like watching Godfather 3 without having seen Godfather 1 and Godfather 2. Why the fuck would you watch Godfather 3 in the first place? Okay. Okay, so maybe it's more like catching Highlander 3

without seeing the first two ones. So Voodoo is like seeing bad movies. Okay. So that's the history of Voodoo as he presents it. He just sort of wraps it up with another boring paragraph. Then he talks a little bit about love and that's all kind of boring because, you know, we all

know about love, right? Is there anybody who doesn't know about love here? Right, exactly. So moving on. Thanks. So moving on, we now have the history of love and we're going to cover that a little bit. A little more history for you all before we get into the meat of the matter.

I'm optimistic. Yes, you should be. Is this scientific? The fucking voodoo book! I should fucking smack you for that. book. I should fucking smack you for that. Even Saint Valentine,

the dude now namesaking romance, wasn't exactly focused on love 24-7. The Valen dude was, truth be told, a holy priest. Rather than entering the history books for some miraculous achievement on behalf of couples like building the world's biggest

wedding chapel or coining the phrase, okay, honey, I guess you're right. He was actually known for being beaten with clubs and beheaded because he would not renounce his faith. American Greenings doesn't have a card for that. I know. I checked. Ooh! So you may well be asking, when did romance begin?

2643 BC in July, according to my sources. Oh, okay. Next question. There we go. Wait, you just move on from there? Who are the sources? Next question.

When did the first guy buy a rock he couldn't afford? A week later, and it was an actual rock. Oh, that's good. All of that prehistoric hanky-panky led to our current situation, an era when guys actually get roped into going to Meg Ryan movies. I know, right, guys? Right, guys? So moving on here, we have some voodoo couples. These are couples who pretty obviously came together because of voodoo,

because there wasn't really any other explanation, okay? You guys want to hear about some voodoo couples? Hell yeah. You do. Just trust me on this, okay? There are couples whose pairings cannot be explained by any rational thinker. The fact that they have found their way into each other's hearts defies sense. Witness!

Lyle Lubbock and Julia Roberts. How about that birdurt and Lonnie? I don't even know what this is. Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. Barney and Betty Rubble. You got to three and that's the best you could get? Woody Allen and Diane Keaton. Woody Allen and Mia Farrell. You got to three and that's the best you could get? Woody Allen and Diane Keaton.

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. Woody Allen and Mia Farrow's barely legal kid. So for those of you who are younger than 35, Woody Allen had a relationship with Mia Farrow's daughter at one point. Yeah, this happened like a zillion years ago. Jack, I have one question. Is there a Titanic reference in that book anywhere? No.

However, the next one is the old guy in Anna Nicole Smith. Damn it. Voodoo. Alright. Alright. We've covered a bunch of this shit, right? Who wants to hear some spells? Yeah! Hell yeah

Alright Alright Now apparently in the spells section There are no actual spells So we're going to move on to the additional spells section Oh good Which actually contains some spells I think

Those are my favorite type of spells Nope sorry in the additional spells section There are also no spells What the hell Do we have supplementary spells To the first step spells and now we have some spells. All right, so our first spell is called Make a Couple Break Up So That You Have a Shot. All right, I'm with you.

Good magic. Basically, this is a clearing spell. What you are doing is clearing the way for yourself. So strap the voodoo doll to the bottom of a broom and sweep the pathway leading up to your house. If you are living in an apartment, then the area from your stairway or elevator to the doorway will do just fine.

If you are living in your parents' house, the spell won't work at all. You are... So apparently Voodoo Lou does not understand his target market in any way, shape, or form. That's what I'm getting out of this. Alright, now next up we have Make sure the dating service hooks you up with a human being. I think we've all been there.

Alright, so I know that this spell will be very helpful to all of you as you're all using phone dating services, as those still exist. So we're going to keep going here. First of all, get over the guilt. There's nothing wrong with signing up for a

dating service or putting an ad in the personals. For some, our day-to-day lives just don't put us in proximity to people who would prove to be the ideal companion. I'm thinking here of prison guards, strip club bouncers, and anyone who has ever worked with Roseanne. Oh, wow!

Take that, Roseanne! So, if you want to write SWFMOL seeks S-B-M-D-B-M-B-D-O-O-B-E-D-O-O-B-E-D-O-O for fun, long walks on the beach and adventure in the great wide somewhere, someone to hold my hand and not be my one and only, surfers and smokers do not need to apply. So be it.

Now, I'm assuming you've put accurate information in your application or ad. Nothing's going to help you if you've got the giant holy mole on your cheek or fail to note the felony conviction. Right? Right. Because the use of third parties in these transactions, no spell will guarantee you the date of your dreams.

Or Voodoo can help mitigate the chance of nightmare outings. One well established method is to blindfold the doll and stand it next to a fashion magazine filled with gorgeous models. This will help ensure that while you are going in blind, you will eventually

see what will be pleasing. Of course, what's pleasing to the eye is not always pleasing to the heart and soul. You may need to modify the magazine to defend against other offenses. Try accessorizing the date magazine with a nice college degree between the pages. Oh no. Nice auto-ads can't hurt

either. It's just like weird science. So does anybody want to take it to the next level? Yes! Let's take it to the next level. Getting the key to his or her place. This requires a side switch. Ah, the key.

A symbol of connectedness somewhere between an engagement ring and a hearty handshake in the grand hierarchy of love. If you can, sit down with your doll and watch an episode

of Hawaii Five-O on an island... That was a prediction. Which version? You need your real doll. Co-starring Key Luke. Key Luke. Key Luke.

On an island in the Florida Keys with Keanu Reeves. This is one spell I guarantee. Of course, it's not the most practical spell in the book, so instead, try hanging a key around the doll's neck. Not exciting, but it works. All right, now we're going to cast the spell All the Right Moves. Voodoo Lou wants to keep this all PG-13, so let's just say that while technique isn't all there is to a relationship,

it certainly makes the ride more fun. But what if the dream guy loses his magic when the lights go down? What if mid-makeout you are compelled to stare at your watch? There are two courses of voodoo action here, depending on the circumstances. If he isn't just trying hard enough, then ditch him. Proceed directly to page 59 and look for the painless breakup spell. We'll be covering the painless breakup spell in just a bit. If he is trying, and he's otherwise a fine fellow, then he's worth working with.

Now, the most famous kiss in history was probably the one between the princess and the frog. Then we have a footnote, which, truth be told, actually happened in 1434 in a suburb of London. That's the kiss between the princess and the frog. He got it from his sources. Right, his sources.

They're very reputable. Don't question Voodoo Lou. Yeah, why are you questioning Voodoo Lou. Yeah, why are you questioning Voodoo Lou? Jesus. I don't even understand it. If he is trying, and he's other

fine fellow, we're talking about a kiss that may not, that not only transmogrified a wart-hidden croaker into a hunky hunk, it also bestowed upon him

the position of prince, instantly creating a backstory for the guy and linking him to the royal family. So if you want his kisses to be something special, go to a restaurant that serves frog's legs. I like Phil Schmitz

in Hammond, Indiana, and position the frog's legs over the legs of your doll. What? What? What? Once again, you're questioning Voodoo Lou. Why are you questioning Voodoo Lou?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hang on, hang on, hang on. The Love Voodoo Lou. Why are you questioning Voodoo Lou? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Hang on, hang on, hang on. The Love Voodoo Kit written by Lemon? No, I don't think so. You can just sit right down there. So anyways, love is rough. Love is time consuming.

So let's go with the breakup spell, okay? Because who really wants to keep people around, right? That is apparently on page 59 over here. Oh, hey, there's sources in the back, by the way. So instead, I'm just going to skip to the sources, because I think that'll be funnier.

Okay, so there really were no sources used in researching the love voodoo game. Oh, goddammit. Voodoo Lou, you crafty bastard. I'm sure you're all shocked to hear that information. He gave us all those years.

But since we've got the space, here are some books Voodoo Lou thinks you might enjoy. The Hair Book by Todd Parr, a great book to read to your two-year-old. East of Eden by John Steinbeck, also a great book to read to your two-year-old. Oh my gosh. Shop Girl by Steve Martin. I give up. Jack Chick, ladies and gentlemen. That was Mr. Jack Chick. Jack Chick. Jack Chick.

I like you. That hurt me. Why did you do that to me? That sucked! That book sucked a lot! But give it up for Jack Chick, please! I feel like now's about the time. Change a little bit of that stadium seating.

I don't know how you're feeling out there. I don't know how the chairs are looking for you. But if you want to pull up close, if you want to pull up close, there's no better man to be romantic towards than this man coming up right next. He is... Stuck. There's no...

There's no way to explain what's going to happen to you other than the one word. Stuck! Thank you. Yes. Thank you very much. Hello. My name is Dr. Feelgood. And today today I'm here to tell you about the power of the sequel to the sequel.

This is about the law of love and the law of attraction. The universe is governed by natural laws. We can fly in an airplane because aviation works in harmony with natural laws. The laws of physics didn't change for us to be able to fly, but we found a way to work in accordance with the natural laws, and by doing so, we can fly. Just as laws of physics govern aviation, electricity, and gravity, there is a law that governs love.

To harness the positive force in love and change your life, you must understand its law, the most powerful law in the universe, the law of attraction. From the greatest to the smallest the law of attraction is what holds every star in the universe and forms every atom and molecule the force of attraction of the sun holds the planets in our solar system

keeping them from hurtling into space the force of attraction and gravity holds you and every person, animal, plant, and mineral on Earth. The force of attraction can be seen in all of nature from a flower attracting bees or a seed attracting nutrients from the soil to every living creature being attracted to its own species. The force of attraction operates through all the animals

on the earth, fish in the sea, and birds in the sky, leading them to multiply and form herds, schools, and flocks. The force of attraction holds together the cells of your body,

the materials of your house, and the furniture you sit on in this very bar, and it holds your car to the road and the water in your glass. I feel like Stog's trying to lull me to sleep, but if I go to sleep, bad things are going to happen. That's what usually happens. My advice is to sleep on your back

So what is the force of attraction? The force of attraction is the force of love Attraction is love When you feel an attraction to your favorite food You're feeling love with that food Without attraction, you wouldn't feel anything. Oh my god, I love Burger King.

Is this some kind of Twilight thing? All food would be the same to you. You wouldn't know what you love or what you don't love because you wouldn't be attracted to anything. You wouldn't... You wouldn't be attracted to my food too?

You wouldn't be attracted to anything. I'm supposed to be attracted to my food, too? You wouldn't be attracted to another person, a particular city, house, car, sport, job, music, clothes, or anything, because it's through the force of attraction that you feel love. The law of attraction is the law of love, and it is the all-powerful law that keeps everything in harmony from countless galaxies to atoms.

In universal terms, the law of attraction says, like attracts like. What that means in simple terms for your life is what you give out, you receive back. And the rest of this shit's fucking boring, so I'm going to move on. All you need to know is give positivity, you receive back positivity.

And if you give negativity, you receive back negativity. Your feelings are the fuel. Imagine your thoughts and words as being like a rocket ship and your feelings as the fuel. A rocket ship is a stationary vehicle that can't do anything without fuel because it's the fuel, it is the power that lifts the rocket ship. It's the same with your thoughts and words. If you think, I can't stand my boss, then that thought is expressing a strong negative feeling you have about your boss,

and you're giving out that negative feeling. As a consequence, your relationship with your boss will continue to get worse. Hold on a sec. I dropped my retainer. There are infinite levels of good feelings you can feel, which means there's no end

to the heights of the life you can receive. There are also many levels of bad feelings that become increasingly negative, but with bad feelings, there is a bottom limit beyond which you can't endure, which forces you to choose feelings again. It's not a fluke or an accent that good feelings feel amazing and that bad feelings feel really bad.

That's just English. Love is the supreme ruling power of life, and it calls you and attracts you through your good feelings, so you will live the life you are meant to live. That's comforting, really. You may want to travel, but if you feel disappointment that you don't You may want to travel, but if you feel disappointment that you don't have the money to travel,

then on the subject of travel, you're feeling disappointment. Feeling disappointment means you're on the disappointment frequency. My favorite radio station is WXAR Disappointment Frequency 93.7, playing the best goth and industrial rock 24-7. On the Disappointment Frequency, they play nothing but Train. And feeling disappointment means you're on the Disappointment Frequency,

and you will continue to receive disappointing circumstances in which you cannot travel until you change the way you feel. The force of love will move every circumstance for you to travel, but you have to be on one of the good feeling frequencies to receive it. Hold on a sec. I dropped my glasses. That's just some good segue, Stog. Thank you.

I like the new literate, Stog. Hold on. I dropped my car keys. Every little thing is included. Every little thing is included. Blame, criticism, finding fault, and complaining are all forms of negativity. All of them bring so much strife. With every little complaint and every moment you criticize anything, you are giving negativity. Complaints about the weather, traffic, the government, your partner, children, parents, long lines, economy, food, your body, your work, customers, businesses, prices, noises.

Noises or service seem like small, harmless things. I'm sorry. I get really happy when I think about people. Excuse me, sir. May I finish my thought? Yes, please. Yes, please. I'm sorry.

I get really happy when I think about people being sad. Throw out of your vocabulary words like terrible, horrible, disgusting, and awful. Because when you say those words, they come with strong feelings. When you say them, they must return to you, which means you are putting those labels on your life don't you think it would be a good idea to use more words like fantastic amazing fabulous brilliant and wonderful you can have whatever you love and want but you have to harmonize I'm wonderful. You can have whatever you love and want, but you have to harmonize with love,

and that means there are no excuses for not giving love. Excuses and justifications prevent you from receiving everything you want. They prevent you from having an amazing life. Poet quote. Poet quote? Poet quote. Poet quote? Poet quote? It actually says that. I wanted to actually say poet quote goes here.

Imagination. When you imagine anything positive that you want and love, you are harnessing the force of love. When you imagine something positive, something want and love, you are harnessing the force of love. When you imagine something positive, something good, and you feel love for it, that is what you are giving, and that is what you will receive. If you can imagine and feel it, then you can receive it. But what you're imagining must come from love. Whenever you're imagining must not harm another person.

Imagining something that brings harm to another person comes not from love, but from a lack of love. And with any, any, with certainty, any negativity, even imagined, will turn back with an equal ferocity, ferocity on the person who sent it. Whatever you give, you receive back. But I want to tell you something fantastic about the force of love in your imagination. The highest and best thing you think is possible is nothing compared to what the force of love can give you. Love has no limits. If you want to be full of vitality and happiness with an incredible zest for life, the force of love can give you health and happiness at levels far beyond what you have seen. I am telling you this so that you can start to break the boundaries of your imagination and stop putting limits on your life. How much time do I have, sir?

Stog, there's only one more thing that I need to hear from you. There's only one more thing I need to hear from you, and that's... Only one more thing? I'm sorry. There's only one more thing I need to hear from you. Okay. I thing? I'm sorry. There's only one more thing I need to hear from you. Okay. I'm sorry. I thought I had more time. That's your feelings on water.

Can I... Could you please switch to the water slide? Yes, please switch to the water slide, sir. Operate the carousel slide. Water slide. Isn't this the angriest water bottle you've ever seen? Scientists at the Institute of Heart Math in California have shown that feeling love, gratitude, and appreciation in your heart

boosts your immune system, increases vital chemical production, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. immune system increases vital chemical production, blah blah blah blah blah. But other scientists are revolutionizing our understanding on the effect of love on our health through experiments with

water. What does water have to do with health? Your body is made up of 70% water. The inside of your head is 80% water. I am happy because I can walk down the street and feel my head sloshing around. Researchers in Japan, Russia, Europe, and the United States have discovered that when water is exposed to positive words and feelings such as love and gratitude,

the energy level of the water not only increases, but the structure of the water changes, making it perfectly harmonious. The higher the positive feeling, the more beautiful and harmonious the water becomes. I think nothing but positive thoughts all day, and now I have a wife made entirely out of water. She looks like Claudia Schiffer. If human emotions can change the structure of water can you imagine what your feelings are doing to the health of your body your cells are mostly made of water the center of every cell is

water and every cell is completely surrounded by a layer of water can you imagine the impact of love and gratitude on your body can you imagine the power of love and gratitude to restore health? When you feel love, your love affects the water of the hundred trillion cells in your body. My name is Dr. Feelgood, and now I'm going

to go get drunk. Thank you very much. Yeah! Yay! We have many more things happening here, but there's something that's been bothering me out there. I want to tell you people. There's something that's been bothering me is that we've been having our fun.

We've been saying our cuss words. And I feel like we need to kind of get our moral bearings back. The man coming up next to the stage, his name is Mr. John Toast, and he is going to teach you about the Lord and how you can service him by whacking off slightly less often. John, take it away.

Thank you. Somebody shut the door. Are we all ready to have sex much less often? Can I get a cheer for that? Anyone? Who's ready to not get laid anymore? I actually expect more cheer for that. All right.

The book I have is Every Young Man's Battle. Now, different title there. That one's just got a guy walking with his jeans on. This one actually has a guy kind of looking sideways at a lady's ass. The guys who made this book are Stephen Otterburn and Fred Stoker. They have no credentials that you can actually find out about. They say they have degrees. Stephen Otterburn has two.

Can you flip the next slide? We'll see Stephen Otterburn here. Yeah, that guy. Doesn't he just ooze trustworthiness? I think he oozes water. I don't have a picture of Fred... That's true too. I don't have a picture of Fred Stoker.

Just imagine any bloated Republican type guy who would spend like 30 minutes at a party telling you about how the gays are ruining America. That kind of guy. That's Fred Stoker. You can't find anything about their degrees. The only degree that I could find out about was one of Steve Aunderburn's.

And it was a degree that he admits in this book is bullshit. Because he just said he got it so he could just get through college because he was screwing ladies too much. So that's the kind of guy you want to learn from. So here's the thing. Let me give you a little history.

There's a book called Every Young Man's Battle, written by the same guys. This is the hip kids version, but Every Young Man's Battle, the idea is this. A Christian guy spends all his life never having sex. Finds the lady of his dreams, and then they find out because they never had sex that not only are they not sexually compatible,

but she's been trained not to really think of herself as sexual and not be comfortable with sexuality so she's totally frigid and the guy says hey i never had sex so i could have sex when i was married and now she doesn't want to and god says sucks to be you live with it every man's battle was born it's basically a textbook on how to deal with that without going out and screwing around now um now here's here's the reasons that they give. They're long and boring. They're in the book. I'm just going to give you a summary.

Now, the thing is, this is a very dogmatic religious book, along with babies and STDs as being reasons to be abstinent. It's also that sex is sinful and distances you from God, and it doesn't help you to be intimate with God. Also, you can't stop having sex once you have sex. Basically, if you've ever had sex once, then you just screw everyone.

Hey, John! John, do you want to have sex once? I see what you're doing there. You're not going to give me that. You're not giving me this time. Do you want to have sex again? We'll talk about that later. Hey, John, do you want to have sex with water? Moving on.

I'm Dr. Feelgood. Now, the thing is, every young man's battle, every man's battle is written to 40-year-old men, middle-aged men. This one is the hip, cool version of the book. It's written to teenage boys, exactly. Radical, tubular, all those cool words. Gnarly, even. And he references such things that are cool to young teenage boys,

like the Lion King and Pinocchio and numerous Star Trek references. No, I swear to God, there's like five Star Trek references in this book. Really cool. So here's the thing. Now, I can go over all the particulars about why sex is bad or why God wants you not to have sex, but here's a good metaphor. Let's see. Now, here's what I'm talking about.

Let's expand a bit on this metaphor to help you better understand our goal of reigning in our roving minds. Now, the idea is basically your minds are going to lead you into wanting to have different sex, lead you away from God, lead you towards sin, etc. Once you were a proud Mustang, wild and free, sleek and rippling, you ranged the hills and valleys, running and mating where you willed, master of your destiny. God,

owner of a large local ranch, noticed you from a distance as he worked his herd. Though you took no notice of him, he loved you and desired to make you his own. Ew! Wait, what? Is that on a brothel? Horse brothel,

apparently. He sought you in many ways, but you ran from him again and again. I think with good reason. One day he found you trapped in a deep, dark canyon with no way out. With his lariat of salvation, with his lariat of salvation, with his lariat of salvation, he gently drew you near, and you became one of his own.

He desired to break you, that you might be useful to him and bring him further joy. But knowing your natural ways and how you'd love to run free with the mares, he set a fence for you. This corral was a perimeter of the eyes. It stopped the running and kept you

from sniffing the winds and running wildly over the horizon. Am I a live teen boy or a horse? Whichever turns you on more. With the corral, while the corral stopped the running, it hasn't yet stopped the mating. That was the whole idea, but apparently God

doesn't build good fences. You mate in your mind, oh I see, you mate in your mind through attractions, thoughts, and fantasies, flirting and neighing lustily at the mares inside or near your corral. You must be broken. Holy shit. So God is Franco from Rockland.

So how does God go around breaking you from lusting with your eyes? Let's see. Well, mental strap in a way. Now, this from lusting with your eyes. Let's see. Well, mental strap, in a way. Now, this is by... They use the example of Job. And here is how...

It basically says, Was God proud of Job? You bet. He applauded his servants' faithfulness and words of high praise. If you walk in purity, blame us enough, right? He'll speak just as proudly as you. But if you don't, then blah, blah, blah. First, we need to learn more about how Job did it.

In Job 31.1, we see Job making a startling revelation. I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl. A covenant with his eyes? You mean he made a promise with his eyes to not gaze upon a young woman? It's not possible. It can't be true. Yet Job was successful. Otherwise, he wouldn't have made a promise with his eyes to not gaze upon a young woman? It's not possible. It can't be true. Yet Job was successful. Otherwise, he wouldn't have made this promise. If my heart had been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor's door, then may my wife grind another

man's grain, and may other men sleep with her. Job 31, 9 through 10. Job had been totally successful. Otherwise, he couldn't have made the statement from his heart. Proof. He knew he had lived white, and he knew his eyes and mind were pure. He swore it unto his wife and marriage before God and man. So, that's the whole idea. Basically, you literally make a covenant with your eyes to never look at anything sexual. No, I'm not. That's the idea. Let's see. Everyone's got to look at the back of the bar now. Well, I know it must be hard, so I will show you how to avoid getting these images in your mind and looking at those things.

This is a technique that they call bouncing the eyes. In the past, your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, not away from it. To combat years and years of this reflexive action, you need to train your eyes to immediately bounce away when it comes upon a sexy image. Much like the way you jerk your hand away from a hot stove. Here it is in a nutshell. Interesting phrasing, yeah.

When your eyes bounce towards a woman's attributes, they must bounce away immediately. But why must a bounce be immediate? One might argue that a glance is just a glance. A glance doesn't linger. Granted, a glance is different from staring open-mouthed until drool pools at your feet. But a glance may be more than enough eye juice

to give you that little chemical high, that little pop. In our experience, bouncing away immediately is clean and easy for the mind to understand. It doesn't give the mind wiggle room to lock and load. Watch out. As we've just said, when you start bouncing your eyes, your body will fight you in peculiar, unexpected ways. Since sexual sin has an addictive nature, your body will not give in to its pleasures without a fight.

You have to creatively look for ways to stay visually pure. And you do that through these two logical steps. Number one, study yourself. How and where are you attacked the most? Number two, design a defense for each of the greatest enemies you've identified. Attacked? Yes, now we get to that. Basically, you have to make up...

Well, basically, your first step is listing your own greatest enemies. What are the most obvious and prolific sources of sensual images coming your way? Where do you look most often? Where are your weaknesses? So Fred Stoker writes this part, and basically, he goes over what his problem areas are, which, you know, well, actually, what he was trying to do was... Okay, let me just read it. I, Fred, had no problem coming up with a list of my six biggest areas of weakness. Let me share how I dealt with them. Granted, I was a bit older than you and married at the time,

but these weaknesses are fairly universal. My penis is too big! So, number one. Now, keep in mind, this is aimed at teenage boys. Number one. Defending against those lingerie ads. Now, he talks a lot about basically... I know, right?

I'll just give you the rules for this, because he talks on way long about this. Rule number one. When my hand reached for the department store ad insert where the bra and panty ads were, I forfeited the right to pick it up if I sensed in the slightest that my underlying motive was to see something sensual. And I was like, hand, it's barely legal instead. Number two.

If a magazine had an overly sensual babe on the cover, I tore off the cover and threw it away. Mail order clothing catalogs or magazines with sensual cover pictures can hang around a house for a long time, drawing your eyes all month long. Now I ask you this. What if a full-breasted woman

in a teensy-weensy bikini came into your room and sat down under your desk and said, I'll just sit here a while, but I promise to leave by the end of the month. Would you let her stay to catch your eye every time you walked into the room? I don't think so. So why do you leave her there in picture form?

Think about it. What? He doesn't get into that. Rule number three. Regarding department store inserts, I would allow myself to pick up one if I was genuinely looking for sale prices on computer equipment or auto parts.

But I force myself to start looking from the back. So there you go. Number two, unfixating on female joggers. Whenever I approached a roadside jogger while driving, my eyes fixed on her like heat-seeking missiles. I had to move quickly or I would soon pass her. But trying to look away from a jogger created a problem.

I couldn't drive safely if I was concentrating on not looking out for her. That could be dangerous even on the country roads of Iowa. After all, I didn't want to run over anyone. Studying the situation, I found a solution. Rather than looking completely away, I turned my gaze to the opposite side of the road and kept the jogger at the edge of my peripheral vision.

She wasn't completely out of sight, but she was out of mind. John? Yes? What if there's, like, a jogger on both sides? Boots, if there's a jogger on both sides, then you're fucked. God damn it. He doesn't go over this. Well, let's look farther.

Maybe he has an answer. Let's see. Let's call the test from God. No, no, no. Now, the test comes with this. Crash! My body began to fight back in some interesting ways. First, my brain argued fiercely with me.

If you keep this up, you'll cause a wreck or run over somebody. I considered this argument and answered, you know and I know that's highly unlikely. Believe me, I can handle a car. My body's second attempt to stop me was very peculiar. Whenever I saw a jogger and reflexively looked away, my mind tricked me into believing I recognized the individual, prompting a second look. My mind was so nimble that nearly every female jogger reminded me of someone I knew. Talk about irritating. It took a while for me to stop falling for that one. My brain tried one last trick. As I passed the jogger without a direct look, I would momentarily relax.

In the same moment, my brain took advantage of my lower guard by ordering my eyes to glance into the rearview mirror for a more direct look. Do it! Do it now! Must look at running tits. Depending on whether she was coming or going, I scored on that one. Love the word choice in this. But then I caught on to what was happening, and that really burned me up. I had to learn not to drop my guard after passing her.

And in that time, that trick faded away as well. Whenever I fell for one of those tricks, I barked to myself, you made a covenant with your eyes. You can't do that anymore. In the first two weeks, I must have said that a million times, but the repeated confession of truth

eventually worked a transformation on me. Number three, bouncing the billboards. Those big signboards along the highway are notorious for featuring some long, tall, slinky, sexy woman lying across a car hood. She whispers,

come on, big boy, buy this muscle car. You'll get me, too. I know of one giant billboard for a rock radio station that showed a close-up of bikini-clad breasts with the tagline, what a pair. My defense mechanism, of course, was to bounce the eyes, but I took it a step further

by remembering where the sensual billboards were placed along my commute. You should do the same on your route to school or work. Is there an app for that? Let's see. Number four. Saying bye-bye to beer and bikini commercials.

No red-blooded American male can watch a major sporting event these days without being assaulted by temptation. That's because the sports shows come packaged with commercials showing the typical bunch of half-naked women cavorting on some beach with some beer-soaked yahoos. What's a young man to do? The answer is to maintain command of the remote control and zap those commercials. When you're armed with the remote, you can do anything. Phaser's set to kill, Worf.

Yeah, Star Trek metaphors. That's where we want to go. All sexy babes get zapped by the clicker as you hit on ESPN or Fox News during the commercial break. Here's a side tip. If your father hogs the clicker, as fathers love to do, have him read the section in the book. He should zap the beer and bikini

commercials for himself, too. Oh, dear. Is that a euphemism? Yeah, that's not nice. Now, the fifth one is staying motivated at the movies, and it's basically just like, hey, don't see American Pie. This was back when American Pie was out. But I want to read this one section of it. This is where you need

to educate yourselves about what's playing. Hollywood releases horny teen movies with regularity, and they're filled with sexual innuendo, girls taking their tops off, simulated sex acts, and tons of randy behavior. That's the kind of thing to avoid. Randy behavior, even.

Number six, and my personal favorite. Respecting receptionists promptly. Sometimes when I enter office buildings, a receptionist is standing When I tell her my name, she'll typically bend over to use the phone to announce my arrival Often her loose Hey, you are here to learn

Often her loose-fitting silky blouse falls open to reveal everything And then the pizza guy shows up A fitting silky blouse falls open to reveal everything. And then the pizza guy shows up. And then he fixes her cable. It has never occurred to me to run away. I simply figured it was my lucky day. Run!

But when I began to search for purity, I realized this had to stop. The defense was simple. Before when I came in and saw the receptionist standing, I knew what might happen and I looked for it. Now I use the same knowledge to my advantage. When I see her standing, I avert my eyes before she bends over. If I see her walking towards the file cabinet, I avert my eyes before she bends over for that file.

Of all the weaknesses, this one was addressed most easily. I now naturally turn away. So, let's see. Now, there's another part about, I'll just say in summary real quick, because I want to get to this last part, which is pretty amazing. There's this part, basically, that

his whole idea is, he says, not just bouncing the eyes, but you have to make, say, a verse in your mind any time you want to see something sexual. It's like, you just go, I make a covenant with my eyes. I can't say this. And then turn away, and then that'll be your sword and shield for your mind, and basically just bullshit conditioning conditioning stuff like that. But I really want to give you advice, because this is the real crucial part for guys.

And this is the section that is called, What to do if she is attracted to you. Now, don't dawdle. Don't dawdle... What terrible thoughts! Don't dawdle about getting your shields up. In one movie from the Star Trek series, the enemy has captured a Federation starship and what is approaching Captain Kirk and the starship Enterprise,

the good guys. The enemy commander didn't respond to any calls from Captain Kirk. As Captain hailed him repeatedly, the enemy commander simply sneered, let him eat static. Captain Kirk found this last lack of response peculiar. Confused and unsure of the intentions of the approaching ship, he dawdled. He didn't put up his shields.

Finally, when close enough, the enemy blasted him away, severely disabling the Enterprise. Kirk paid a dear price for dawdling, losing his best friend to death in the ensuing exchanges. Get your shields up and ask questions later. Implement at least one of these strategies. Number one, flee from her. First, prepare a few war game simulations.

What will you say if she drops by your house after school when she knows your mom isn't home? What will you do if she starts unbuttoning her blouse? Josh McDowell, another Christian counselor bullshit guy, tells teens to decide what they'll do in the backseat of the car before they get to the backseat of the car. Otherwise, passion rules and reasoning isn't clear. Second, send absolutely no return attraction signals. Don't answer the call. Let them eat

static. Number two, when you're in her company, play the dweeb. You can be just like dweeb man, who steps into a nearby public restroom and emerges as a polyester-clad enemy of all things flirtatious and hip. Dull,

mild-mannered, and nerdy dweeb man, pocket protector shielding his heart with hair slightly askew, wages his quiet thankless war of boring interchange. Writing a shitty book. Our once-threatening Amazon withdraws to undefended sectors, leaving dweeb man victorious against his never-ending good fight

to stave off the hip and the impure in his galactic empire. Okay. Be a nerd. Okay, there's not much glory in playing the Dweeb. There are no comic book deals, no endorsement contracts, and no 2020 interviews with Barbara Walters. Every teenage boy's dreams. Talk to Barbara Walters.

Did you just say that... But, but... Sorry, John. You'll be a hero for our Lord. Did you just say that dweebs don't get comic book contracts? Good point. A dweeb is the opposite of a player. In relationships, players send and receive social signals smoothly.

Dweebs do not. When a player wants to send attraction signals, there are certain things he'll do. He'll flirt. He'll banter. He'll smile with a knowing look. He'll talk about hip things. In short, he'll be cool. Sometimes it seems that four years of high school is spent learning how to be a player to some degree or another. So in seeking sexual purity,

a little social suicide is often very much in order. Always play the dweeb if a girl is pushing too hard. If a girl smiles at you with a knowing look, learn to smile with a slightly confused look. If she talks about hip things, talk about things that are

unhip to her, like your car engine or your grades. She'll find you pleasant enough, but rather bland and uninteresting perfect and this is why Captain Kirk never ever gets laid I don't think that's correct

I feel like Stephen Arterburn made an interesting decision because the thing that John just illustrated for us is that Stephen Arterburn lives inside of a porno where there's just chicks constantly bending over for shit and like, oh, let me show you my tits. And he's responded in absolutely the inappropriate way.

For some reason, the guy that is really into Star Trek is just getting punani thrown at him so much. All right, I want to say something, to Star Trek is just getting Punani thrown at him so much. Alright. I want to say something, which is that Portex in the second half will be teaching you how to draw just as good as her. Or at least how to draw as good

as somebody's book that we got. Let's take a break. I think we need some more beer. But first, with Boost Rain Gear's help, I want to tell you what's going to come in the second half. It would be a next frame indication. You got to go right arrow. There you go.

Hey. In the second half, you will learn how to build sex toys with everyday objects. How to talk dirty to your lover. That if you're poor, it's your own damn fault. Ways to show your wife how much you care, provided your wife has suffered brain trauma. How to kick ass like a pacifist.

And which one of your drinks is poisoned. Hint, it's one of the beers. So we're going to have a quick smoke break or whatever sort of break. We will be back with more exciting action

in just a few minutes. Why don't you stretch your legs, get some more beer, and we'll be back with you in just a moment. That's the point where you applaud. You are fucking getting better! Your lives are already improving!

Oh, this is terrific.