The F Plus - live2b: F Plus Live 2 | F Plus Improves Your Life | Part 2

Episode Date: October 15, 2011

Part Two of F Plus Live 2 starts out a little dirty, but eventually we wipe up the floor. Lemon ft. bumpgrrl: Lemon's Craft Corner (using Make Your Own Sex Toys by Matt Pagett) Jimmyfranks: The Fine Art of Erotic Talk by Bonnie Gabriel bumpgrrl: The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy Lemon: How To Be A Sexual God In 3 Easy Lessons by Dusty White Portaxx: 10, 000 Ways to Say I Love You by Gregory Godek Isfahan: Mentalist Martial Arts by Ryan Blumenthal

Hey! What's Lemon making now? Arts and crafty projects, wow! Just sit back, he'll show you how! It's Lemon's Craft Corner! Making stuff that's really neat! Crafty projects that can't be beat off to! You're all in for quite a treat! It's Lemon's Craft Corner!

Da-da-da-da-da-da! Boners! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bump Girl, but that's beside the point. This is Lemon's Craft Corner. Hello. Hello, Bump Girl. Yeah, no, you're with me, yes. I don't know.

Where do you... Okay, this is a personal question, of course, but where do you buy your sex toys? Well, there's some stores... Your answer is already incorrect. You should not be buying sex toys. Next frame, please. You need to be making your own sex toys.

Now, I don't need this book on hand because I've read this book. This book is called Make Your Own Sex Toys 50 Quick and Easy Do-It-Yourself Projects Now you're going to say Finally That's what you're going to say

Now we're actually going to start out here Bumgirl I think you'll probably like this one a lot Can I get the frame please Okay So this project is called Bubble Wrap Blow. Okay. Now. So is this something that, like, I do with my partner?

Like, I'm blowing? No. Wait. Yes? Well, no. You're actually kind of close. What you have is a mouth, right? Yeah, you.

You personally have a mouth. Presumably, whoever it is that you're sleeping with has a penis. But we're going to actually, with this toy, we're going to cut you out of the equation. This is called the bubble wrap blow. Now, what you do is you take your bubble wrap and you just kind of of get a sort of a pussy out of it. I mean, maybe a mouth. I'm not really sure. Now, obviously, I don't know exactly how big around you are, how rough you like it,

but you get sort of some bubble wrap. And you wrap it up, right? Now, I don't know why you're moving away from me while I'm trying to teach you how to make your own sex toys. That's ridiculous. All right, look. Now, you're going, okay, so here we go. So you have a mouth, and that's great.

But what I have here is the next adequate substitute. But what you also have is saliva, so what we're going to do is just pour some lube. Just get some lube in there. And there we go. You're dripping. On the floor. Well, that's one of the side products. Here's the great thing about the bubble wrap blow.

Can I get the next frame here? There's a handy hint. Don't just chuck your used sex toys in the trash. As the saying goes, reduce, reuse, recycle. For the environmentally aware, the bubble wrap blow can be washed out and reused as you feel like it. Alternatively, if you prefer, why not wind down by popping some of the bubbles? Would you like to pop some bubbles with me?

Yeah, the bubbles that are covered in lube. Does that sound like a pleasant... There's stuff all over them. It's just some stuff. No, you kind of spilled some stuff on me. Oh yeah, quite a bit. No, thanks. Alright, fine!

Alright! You don't like that idea. yeah, quite a bit. No, thanks. Alright, fine. You don't like that idea. Fine. That's fine. That's fine. I have other ideas. Can I have that vote? I have other ideas. You can have that later. I would like you please kind of bounce your eyes away from him for a moment.

Alright. Now, can I get the next frame here? Now. Wait. You're holding a sock. Yeah. This is sex toy number two, and it's called the sloppy sock. Sloppy sock. Now.

Did you fucking wash that sock? Reduce, reuse, and recycle. And wash. There's three R's. There's reduce, there's reuse, there's recycle. So this is actually the bubble wrap blow a little complicated. This is a little simpler.

So what you're going to do is you're going to take your sock, right? And you're just going to put some lube in there. Just really just get it. I, you're, you drip, you dripped it. What the fuck? Now.

Hey, stog, it's water. I've made a covenant with my eyes. Now. Hey, stog, it's water. I've made a covenant with my eyes. Now, what you do is, and this is the important next step, once you're done putting the lube in the sock, what you're going to want to do is fuck it. Okay. Now, once you've fucked your sock, once you've fucked your sock... Wait, there's a step three?

There is. There is a step three. After you're've fucked your sock, once you've fucked your sock... Wait, there's a step three? There is. There is a step three. After you're done fucking your sock, and here's the lovely thing about the sloppy sock. Now, the thing, the bubble wrap blow, you can... Why are you vomiting? I don't understand.

The bubble wrap blow, you can pop the bubbles, but there's a really lovely thing about the sloppy sock on the next card, which is that any seepage and spillages can be mopped up by the sock afterwards so it's really just the economical choice I don't think there's a lot of mopping capability left in that sock

did you not like that one? did you not like that one? Did you not like that one? Well, it was economical, but you know, in terms of sexiness, like, you're fucking a goddamn sock. You just pulled that out of the fucking bottom of your goddamn laundry bin,

and then you poured all your lube, all of your lube into it. You're out of lube! What are you going to do? As I believe I told people, fuck it. It's good to fuck it. No, but what about next time?

Do you have to go to the store? You told me I didn't have to go to a store. You don't have to go to a sex toy store. Look, alright, fine. You don't like that one. I feel like you're judging me. I have one more. Well, I have actually a couple more, but we'll make this as brief as we can. Do I have to watch it? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I really, it's important to me that you watch it. Please don't walk away. All right. Okay. So the next toy that I'm going to teach you how to make is called the Fruity Scoopy. Fruity Scoopy. Now, here's how the Fruity Scoopy works. Okay.

What you start out with is a cantaloupe. Now, I know, I know, oh, I know. You're thinking, now, how is this going to work? Well, I didn't really want to bring... If you touched your zipper, I'm walking out of this bar. Actually, Lemon, I'm wondering if that's one of the tainted cantaloupes that's been recalled. Actually, yeah, yeah. You forget Listeria.

Fuck it. I will get some pleasure is what I will get. Now, I didn't want to bring... Okay, so Bump Girl and I had an agreement that I wouldn't bring a knife on stage. For some reason, she doesn't like me to have... wield a knife around her. So what I've done is I've pre-cut a hole

in this cantaloupe, the Fruity Scoopy. Now... Now... Now I want you... in this cantaloupe. Fruity Scoopy. Now, now, now I want you, I want you to very quickly, I want you to very quickly, that was step one, was to cut the hole.

I want you to very quickly, could you guess for me what step two is? Can you guess? Can you guess what step two is? Take a guess. Hey, my mind's gone curiously

blank. Hey, alright, that's fine. Because the next step, now you might be thinking, put some lube in it. It's a cantaloupe. You're fine. It's already lube in it. What you actually want to do, and that's why Okay, so you got the cantaloupe and you stick your dick in it and you go, it's a little cold. That's the problem. That's the problem.

That's the problem that this book fixes. That's not the problem I was picturing. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to put this in the microwave for 30 seconds. That's not a solution. Put it in the microwave for 30 seconds, and that will approach.

Wait, wait. What power setter? Don't step on my lines. For 30 seconds and that will approximate human warp. Now if you're thinking to yourself, you're worried about listeria or you're a gentleman on the run, I have a side tip for you. Next card, please. A quicker alternative

is using the watermelon this time. Simply split it in two, carve out the right amount of flesh, and run it under some hot water before penetration. This provides a similar sensation for gentlemen on the go. A gentleman. A gentleman.

A gentleman. Because gentlemen on the go often don't like to carry their sex dolls with them, so frequently what they'll do is carve half a watermelon with them. Honey, I don't have time for breakfast. Can you just wrap the watermelon up and I'll be on my way? Bunker, I feel like you're a little judging me.

And I know why you're judging me. It's because I've been doing male sex toys here for us. But that's okay. There's a female sex toy. There's a female sex toy. Well, there's many, but I've chosen this one. I've chosen this one. It is called

the cell phone climax. Now, for this trick, can I borrow your cell phone? No. Wait, no, wait. No. No. No.

No. Well, I feel like you're not into that improv-y thing of yes. But that's actually, I planned for that. I planned for that. Now, you might think to yourself, maybe it's one of those things you put the cell phone up against

the sort of bits. That's actually not what we're going for here. I see why he's monkey fucking cantaloupes. What we're actually going to go for here Next card You're going to put a condom On the cell phone Now hang on, hang on Do not grab the microphone from me

Because the next step After you put the cell phone Back up, no no no After you put the cell phone You're going to just shove it in your vagina. And then you call yourself. Now this is a beginner skill level. Alright.

Now, because Bump Girl has not gone with me on this, and I planned for that, I want to just run through. For some reason, I expected you to be a little bit grossed out, so I want to just... Next card, please.

There are some other recommended projects in this book. No, no, no, no, no. There are other... Yeah, what? Unlubricated. One word, ladies. Any ladies in the audience, that condom instruction was unlubricated.

There's a very good reason for that, is that if you see a condom in a cell phone, you'll already be what? So... So... So there are three projects I'd like to recommend for you. The first is the Gimp Mask.

Now, this is a Gimp Mask that is made out of crocheted wool. You're thinking to yourself, you're thinking to yourself, that's hot. You're thinking to yourself, no, that's actually really hot.

Ba-dum-tsh. All right. Next card, please. That is the Positions Quilt. Now, this is actually not a sex toy exactly, as much as it is an aphrodisiac, something to get's the positions quilt. Now, this is actually not a sex toy, exactly, as much as it is an aphrodisiac. Something to get you in the mood.

The image is a little hard to see, but what you have here is a patchwork quilt with a bunch of drawings of penises and vaginas all over it. So that when you go into the bedroom, you know it's time. Those are great when you have company. The final project I want to give you here

the saddlebag now what? this is actually my favorite my favorite project because when you go through this book

there are 50 50 different sex toys for the ladies by the way most of them are... The men ones are take something, cover it in lube, and fuck it. The female ones are take something,

put it in a condom, shove it in a proceed. I don't know why I'm laughing. This is serious. Okay, but what you have is, so let's say you have, for example, the wax candle dildo which you've carved out of a wax candle. It recommends in the book, by the way, not to light it.

You have the veggie dildo where, no, you do not just put a condom on a carrot. That would be weird. What you actually do is you carve ribs into the carrot for her pleasure. Isn't that nice? So then when you have all these together, what you do is you carve ribs into the carrot for her pleasure. Isn't that nice? So then

when you have all these together, what you do is you put together a saddlebag with all of your sexual accoutrements and then you walk into the bedroom, which of course has the positions quilt laid out. And you know it's time for love.

And really, love is what it's all about. Can I get that theme song one more time? Hey, what's Lemon making now? Arts and crafty projects, wow. Just sit back, you'll show you how. It's Lemon's Craft Corner. Making stuff that's really neat.

Crafty projects that can't be beat off. You're all in for quite a treat. It's that's really neat. Crafty projects that can't be beat off to. You're all in for quite a treat. It's Lemon's craft corner. Boners. Alright, now what we have up next and I know we've put you in the mood. I know.

And so to that end, we have Jimmy Franks coming up next to the stage. Now, let's say you've got all of these sex toys laid out for you, which I know you're going to go home and make. And then you want to add a little bit more romance to the equation. By the way, the second half gets a little dirtier. I feel like warning you 20 minutes after it's already happened

is really the best way to go. You're undoing everything I'm doing. Oh, yeah. So, this is Jimmy Franks and he's going to teach you how to talk sexy.

Because baby, we'll be at the drive-in in the old man's home Behind the bootstraps Hey! Hey, everybody! Hi, Jimmy Franks!

Thank you all for coming out tonight. Tonight I'll be reading from the newly revised and updated Fine Art of Iratica by Bonnie Gabriel, How to Entice, Excite, and enchant your lover with words. Oh, it's wonderful stuff. But before we get started, I'd like to play a little game with you guys. You all know Mad Libs? You're a kid, you played some Mad Libs? So, where I'm going to ask you for a type of word, like an noun or a verb or something, and we'll

pick one, and we'll tell a little story later on. Okay. If you'd help me out, I need an article of clothing. Spats. A boner. Spats. Okay. A body... Spats. A body part.

The arm. The arm. An arm, please. And a noun, a plural noun. Boners. What was that? Boobs. Boobs.

Okay. Yeah, actually, that should be all right. Another verb. Skydive. Skydive. And another verb, please. Murder. Headbang.

Murder. Murder. Another plural noun. Boners. Boners. Sure, why Why not Another verb More boners That's not a verb

Verbs please My depression Wipe up a little bit of this lube While you're figuring this out Wipe Wipe. An adjective, please. Hairy.

Turgeon. Turgeon it is. A noun. Boner. Come on, we already did that one. Bicep. Bicep? Or bison?

Bison. Bison, like a buffalo. Another noun. Water. Water. Water., like a buffalo. Another noun. Water. Water. Name of a childhood pet. Water. Stock. Stock.

An adjective. Wiry. Throbbing. A type of container. Sock. Sock, yes. A verb. Jimmy Franks.

A Jimmy Franks. A weapon. Grenade. Nunchucks. Nunchucks. Nunchucks. An animal. A giraffe.

A giraffe. And one more. A warm liquid. Lube. Lube it is. A giraffe. And one more, a warm liquid. Luminous. All right. So we'll get back to how you say it. So back to the fine art of erotic talk by Bonnie Gabriel. This book is divided into four parts.

Part one is initiation. It offers an overview of the varying ways you can use words to arouse a lover and techniques for... Part two, seduction, demonstrates the many subtle ways you can use verbal foreplay to court a new lover or initiate a more familiar partner into the art of erotic talk. Alright, maybe that's not your problem. Part three, mastery, offers a number of

exercises and games to help you practice the art of listening and speaking erotically so that you can do so with ease and spontaneity. Fuck that. We're skipping to part four, enhancement. Yeah. This is the advanced course.

It's devoted to more advanced forms of verbal erotica such as talking dirty, exchanging erotic fantasies, and playing with power. Holy shit. Is there a power glove in here? I think there might be. I love the power glove. It is so bad. So now, skipping ahead here, the important thing to remember when you're talking erotically is simply to keep your lover verbal company.

For instance, you might describe what your partner's doing and how it affects you with statements, like, it's so nice the way you move your thumb and forefinger around the edge like that. That's nice. I wonder how it would feel if I did that with my tongue. We'll never know. I'm watching your nipples get hot as you touch yourself.

And I'd love to be kissing them. And I love the way you look when you excite yourself like this. It really turns me on. You may be able to excite your partner even more by offering specific directions, such as... I want you to stroke yourself very lightly,

starting here at the bottom and slowly moving to the tip. I want you to spread your legs wide apart so I can see the pretty big color of your inner lips. Then I want you to make little circles around your sweet delicious love button. Love button. You're fucking bossy. I can wait if you guys want to write some of this stuff down.

And I want to keep looking into your eyes as you caress yourself. So that's all good stuff, but it gets better. You skip back into the book a little bit here. And it also, it's got some case studies. So, let's see.

This is the story of Ed and Phyllis. Yeah, that's a sexy story. Yeah, I know. It's a hot couple. Orgies, orgies, orgies! So, because Bonnie Gabriel also teaches classes.

And so here's Ed and Phyllis talking about what they learned from erotic talk. What I did with Ed to loosen him up and help him become more playful and imaginative with me in bed was to read to him, says Phyllis. That is, I'd read a different story to him every night until I found a character whom he greatly admired or envied. Then I asked him to imagine himself as that character. How he looked. How he sounded. Wait, what? It all book version of Star Trek The Next Generation. Wait, what? It all comes back to Star Trek. Where did that come from?

As a Trekker, I had always admired the big, beastly-looking Klingon character, Worf. He was a man who was able to hold his powerful, primitive, and passionate emotions in check by his profound sense of honor and integrity. Excuse me, that is not a male. That is a Klingon. Thank you. A male Klingon. When I make love to Phyllis's wharf, I'm able to bring out this courtly beast quality in me, which really drives her wild and makes me feel empowered,

playful, and incredibly excited. Ka-plah! Ka-plah! But you can put away your batleth and just use your words. And that's the great thing about the fine art of erotic talk because it gives you... Maybe you're having a hard time

because, let's be honest, a number of people that Bonnie Gabriel interviewed on the subject expressed an aversion to words like prick and cunt. Rob, a man in one of her classes, confessed that whenever a woman referred to his penis as a dick, it would dampen his ardor because dick was his uncle's name. And I think we can all relate to that.

So fortunately, Bonnie Gabriel gives us a kind of a rhyming dictionary of, well, not rhyming, but just about every word you could think of for genitals. So, yeah, okay, here is the dictionary. Penis, willy, wiener, sword, dong, phallus, longhorn, Mr. Happy, tree of life, scrotum, jewels, cock, rod, shaft, arrow, wick, root, love lance, oliver, twist, dart of love, ball, swingers, dick, pecker, tool, boogle, lingam,

love muscle, sugar stick, John Thomas, torch of Cupid, nuts, pounders, peter, wangs, skin flute, organ, trouser snake, sweetmeat, tomcat, little Thomas, Torch of Cupid, Nuts, Pounders, Peter Wang, Skin Flute, Organ, Trouser Snake, Sweet Meat, Tomcat, Little Elvis, Flowering Rod, Basket, and Bobblers. Jimmy Franks. Jimmy Franks, real quick. Real quick. Yes. From what you've learned in this book, can you construct off the top of your head a sexy sentence using the euphemism Oliver Twist?

And Bobblers. Something preferably in a British accent. Hello, ma'am. I'm Oliver Twist. Can I have some more bubblers? Please? Can I have more? I haven't finished the book yet.

I'm sorry. I'm still working on it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There's also plentiful words for female generals, such as pussy, slit, box, love purse, vulva, heaven, pubis, clitoris, star, cunt, gash, twat, sugar basin, labia, chalice, moth, clit,

beauty spot, quim, snatch, cranny, happy valley, portal, treasure, bush, cherry, pulse, yawning, vagina, cunis, bomb, jelly roll, shrine of love, velvet, love button, and paradise. This is Tourette's the book. And many more. Yeah, so, I mean, I'm going to wrap it up here.

It's all just such good stuff, and I bought this at Barnes & Noble, and I had it reserved under a fake name, and had to explain to a very kindly old lady that it wasn't for me. I mean, it was for me, but it was for a thing we were doing out here. So anyway, but looking through it, a lot of this stuff is really like, oh, I want to put my face in your love pillows. And it's all like, it's okay. But see, I knew you guys could do better. I knew you could do better than Bonnie Gabriel, and that's why I had you help me write some tonight.

This is a dialogue taken from erotic talk. And it's a back and forth he-she thing, and I'll do my best to do it justice. So, he. Take those spats off right now, wench. I want to see those magnificent arms heaving with desire for my boobs. You've got to come askastia, I guess. I want to skydive your nipples until they murder. Like wet boners against my tongue.

I think you might have some unresolved, like, latent desires to work out there. I am so glad that you can't see. She says, oh, my lord, you wipe me. You make my thighs tremble. He says, good. Now lie down over here so I can sink my lips into that turgid bison between your legs. That actually works. She says,

Oh, you rogue, my water is on fire. Can you feel my stog pulsing against your tongue? And he says, Yes, my throbbing shaft is aching to plummet the depths of your warm, wet love sock. She says, Oh, take me now, Jimmy Franks me with your mighty nunchucks. Ride me like a wild giraffe.

Make me feel like a massive hot molten lube. And that is Erotic Talk. How to Entice, Excite, and enchant your lover with words. Available now at a fine bookstore near you. Thank you and good night. Just. Just. Okay, you can't see it, right? Okay, fine. Alright, Jimmy Franks!

Jimmy Franks, people from all over this great continent of ours notice I did not say country, yes we have Canadians yes, we let them in one of them is coming up here at, you know snort a snail's pace

just kind of pick up the pace alright, this lady right here, her name is Bump Girl, and she is going to teach you magical things, Bump Girl And she is going to teach you Magical things Bump Girl ladies and gentlemen I'm afraid nothing happens Jesus, it's all in my mind You say, stop looking for answers Reasons, all in my mind

This is The Power of Your Subconscious Mind. It's apparently not just by Dr. Joseph Murphy, but is also a landmark best-selling self-help book from 1963. I want you to know that the power of the subconscious mind, we're going to give you a little background on the science of this, so bear with me here, but this is the sort of the way of the future from 1963. The absolute method, i.e., you know, the power of your subconscious mind, is like modern sound wave therapy. The absolute method of prayer, for example, might be likened to the,

remember, this is a scientific background, likened to the sound wave or sonic therapy recently shown me by a distinguished physician, who shall remain unnamed, in Los Angeles. He has an ultrasound wave machine which oscillates at a tremendous speed and sends sound waves to any area of the body to which it's directed. This may sound familiar to me, to you,

to everyone here who isn't from 1963, because these sound waves can be controlled, and he told me of achieving remarkable results in resolving something that we don't really care about. But however, to the degree that we rise in consciousness by contemplating qualities and attributes of god do we generate spiritual electronic waves of harmony health and peace many remarkable healings follow this technique of prayer now keeping in mind that where we're talking about using,

like this is sort of similar to something you heard earlier, but this goes deeper, way deeper. I mean, like you wouldn't believe how deep. How deep does it go? It goes right into chapter nine. Deep as the ocean. With using the power of your subconscious for wealth. All right.

So, I mean. I like this plan. I mean, you can talk about the power of love, of your subconscious for wealth. So, I mean, I mean, you can talk about the power of love and you can talk about thinking positive thoughts and constricting your anus, but I mean, this is what it comes down to, right? Infidel. If you are having financial difficulties, if you are trying to make ends meet,

it means, it means only one thing. You have not convinced your subconscious mind that you will always have plenty and some to spare. You know, and we all know these people, men and women who work a few hours a week and make fabulous sums of money. They do not strive or slave hard. Do not believe the story that the only way you can become wealthy is by the sweat of your brow and hard labor. It is not so. The effortless way of life is the best. Do the thing you love to do and do it for the joy and thrill of it.

Oh, that sounds so sweet. That sounds awesome. Okay. However, you know, it's not just that. Because wealth is of the mind. wealth is of the mind. Wealth, the whole concept, is simply a subconscious conviction on the part of the individual.

You will not become a millionaire by saying, I am a millionaire. I am a millionaire. You will grow into... Okay, think consciously about this. You will grow into wealth consciousness by building into your mentality the idea of wealth and abundance. Okay, it doesn't make sense yet. It's okay. It's okay.

Moving on. Oh, here it is. Here it is. The specifics. Specifics. The ideal method for building a wealth consciousness. Perhaps you are saying as you read or listen to this chapter, I need wealth and success. This is what you do. Repeat for about five minutes to yourself three or four times a day, wealth, success. Not I am a millionaire. Wealth, success. Because these words have tremendous power. They represent the inner power of your subconscious mind.

The ones you're thinking with your conscious mind represent the inner power of your subconscious mind. Anchor your mind on this substantial power within you. Hey, bump girl, can we lead the crowd in that? Everyone's already thinking it, right? I mean, I told you to. Right, but we can verbalize it and make it a tangible thing. Wealth, success, you're thinking it, you're thinking it, right? I mean, I told you to. Right, but we can verbalize it and make it a tangible thing. Wealth, success.

You're thinking it. You're thinking it. You're using your subconscious mind to think consciously. Why can't anyone wrap their head around this concept? I'm thinking about water prostitutes. Prostitutes made out of water. This is a distraction. Okay.

Okay. Oh, look. It's a distraction. Okay. Okay. Oh, look. It's got a response directly to you. You are not saying I am wealthy. You are dwelling on real powers within you. There is no conflict in your mind when you say wealth. Furthermore, the feeling of wealth will well up within you as you dwell on the idea of wealth.

The feeling of wealth produces wealth. Yes. Keep this in mind at all times. Your subconscious mind is like a bank, a sort of universal financial institution. Okay, yeah, that makes sense. It magnifies whatever you deposit or impress upon it,

whether it is the idea of wealth or poverty. Choose wealth. Okay, so then does that mean that my thoughts then get reinvested into the capital gains market in order to generate interest for the profit-sharing entity?

Well, I've got a simpler thing. The exact following, the next headline in this is why your affirmations for wealth fail. So in spite of all the last five minutes that you've been thinking wealth and success, wealth and success, this is why you're failing.

You fuckers. I have talked to many people during the past 35 years whose usual complaint is, I have said for weeks and weeks, I am wealthy, I am prosperous, and nothing has happened. I discovered that when they said,

I am prosperous, I am wealthy, they felt within that they were lying to themselves. One man told me, I have affirmed that I am prosperous until I am tired. Things are now worse. I knew when I made the statement that it was obviously not true.

The logical explanation that follows is his statements were rejected by the conscious mind and the very opposite of what he outwardly affirmed and claimed was made manifest. Your affirmation succeeds best when it is specific. You know, when not just saying wealth, success, wealth, success, but very specific. When it does not produce a mental conflict or argument. Hence the arguments made by this man made matters worse because they suggested his lack. Your subconscious accepts what you really feel to be true, not just idle words or statements.

The dominant belief or idea is always accepted by the subconscious mind. So I just have to think better. Well, okay. It's not just thinking. The best, like, okay. Before we go to that, we've got to jump ahead. There's a chapter entitled Your Right to Be Rich.

And this is the sort of fundamental explanation. It's because poverty, and this is the headline, is a mental disease. What? What the hell? There is no virtue in poverty. It is a disease like any other mental disease.

If you were physically ill, you would think there was something wrong with you. You would seek help and do something about the condition at once. Likewise, if you do not have money constantly circulating in your life, there's something radically wrong with you. I feel worse about myself. circulating in your life, there's something radically wrong with you. The urge of the life principle in you is toward growth, expansion, and the life more abundant. You are not here to live in a hovel, dress in rags

look at you all, and go hungry. You should be happy, prosperous, and successful. Okay. So basically, the thought process is you should be thinking entirely about wealth, and that will give you wealth, but if you don't have that wealth yet,

you're not thinking hard enough. Is that right? Well... Right, and also that you're diseased and bad. Oh, motherfucker. Well, the true source of wealth, the true source of wealth, the true source of wealth, your subconscious mind is never short of ideas. There are within it an infinite number of ideas

ready to flow into your conscious mind and appear as cash in your pocketbook in countless ways. Wait, wait, wait. So how do I get the thoughts to appear as cash in my pocketbook? Well, this process will continue to go on in your mind, regardless of whether the stock market goes up or down or whether the pound sterling or dollar drops in value.

Your wealth is never truly dependent on bond stocks or money in the bank. These are really only symbols necessary and useful. Of course, but only symbols. Okay, don't worry, don't worry. I can sense the doubt within the room. There's a heading for this, don't worry, don't worry. I can sense the doubt within the room. There's a heading for this, don't worry. It's why nothing happened. So we anticipated your negative subconscious thoughts

and I, verbatim, I can hear you saying, oh, I did that. Uh-huh. And nothing happened. You did not get results because you indulged in fear thoughts, perhaps ten minutes later, and neutralized the good you had affirmed. When you plant a seed in the ground, you do not dig it up. You let it take root and grow.

For example, suppose you are going to say, I shall not be able to make that payment. Before you get further, I shall not be able to make that payment. Before you get further, then, I shall stop the sentence and dwell on a constructive statement, such as, by day and by night, I am prospered in all my ways. I know that's not a good one. That's what everyone was planning, right? Oh, King Arthur!

Okay, there's a little... I mean... Oh, oh shit! What? oh shit what okay no wait forget everything I just said we don't have to think about it consciously um no wait um this is this is how it's gonna work it's gonna work for real this time sleep and grow rich what okay as you go to sleep at night, practice the following technique. Repeat the word wealth quietly and easily and feelingly. Do this over and over again, just like a lullaby.

Wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth, wealth. No, no. Lull yourself to sleep with the one word, wealth. Wealth. You should be amazed at the result. Wealth should flow to you in avalanches of abundance. Huh? Okay.

Oh, shit. I just woke up and my pillows turned into dollar bills. Well, guess what? This is another example of the magic power of your subconscious mind. I'm fucking rich! I'm rich now. I can buy everything at the vending machine.

Hello, this is John Toast again. I'm the co-host of the F Plus podcast. I'm about to introduce Lemon, and he's about to read a book that is going to undo everything I did in my reading. It is How to Be a Sexual God, and you're all going to be sinners after you hear it. Please give a warm welcome to the guy

who's going to undo everything I did, Lemon. Woo! Your cheeks are flush like rose petals You're consumed with rage But I'm consumed with you Eyes are swung through the haze Stop that music. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Lemon. And I am a sexual god.

30 minutes ago, I was a guy that was fucking a sock. But then I repeated wealth to myself a little while, and I have become a sexual god. Now, I did not do it alone. I did it with the help of Mr. Dusty White. His book is called, if you can read it, How to Be a Sexual God in Three Easy Lessons. Books one and two, The Lazy Man's Way to Find, Seduce, and Control the Woman of Your Dreams. Now, control.

Actually, that says women of your dreams. Yes. Oh. Well, now I gotta rethink that. Okay, no, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Okay, so, every, every, every student needs a terrific master. Dusty White is my master.

I want you to gaze upon my master right here. There he is. That's Dusty White. That's Dusty White. That's Dusty White, and he... Chad Kroger is falling on hard times. And he, in fact,

he, in fact, is a sexual god. He has written many, many books. I think probably around two dozen books. Now, how Dusty White works this is how to be a sexual god is actually a compendium of other books that I was thinking of buying

one was called How to Date an Aries one was called How to Date a Libra one was called How to Date an Aquarius I'm sure you get the point now so what Dusty White has for us in act one of two acts is just knowing someone's astrological sign, you can learn

A, how to fuck her. B, how good she'll be at fucking you. And C, how to get rid of her afterwards. Now, this is sexual godhood. I actually,

I actually, so everything is broken down by astrological sign. Could you stand up? Could you come here for a second, please? Thank you very much. Yes, come here for a second. What's your name, my dear? Allison.

Allison. This is Allison. Allison, give it up for her, please. Woo! Don't be tempted. Thank you, Allison. Allison, before we start, let's ask a very important question. How old are you?

17. Allison, let's try again. Allison, how old are you? 25. Fuck yeah. All right. There we go. Allison, perfect.

That was beautiful. Fantastic. Thank you very much. Now, can you tell me your astrological sign? Virgo. Virgo. Virgo. All right.

Allison, if you'll sit back down for me just a second. Allison, of course, remember that she's 25. 25 years old. She's 25 years old. And this is a joke, right? Okay. I just want to make sure we all know what's happening here. That I'm shirtless and I feel weird because she's 17 years old. No, no. It's fine. It's fine. You started this. now finish it. Okay.

Okay. So the Virgo woman. Oh, good. Virgo. I forgot the chapter on Virgo. Because Virgo actually starts out with sex and the Virgo woman, a study in excellence. Now, what you're going to have here is you have a section.

I'm sure you maybe can see there's words and then there's lines. This is a quiz. This is a quiz that starts out the Virgo chapter. The quiz is about the plot of the movie Groundhog Day. Of course it is. It's critical. It goes, what was the name

of the female part? Whoever it was, Andy McDowell played. What part did Bill Murray play? The Bill Murray character. What did Chris Elliott, the blonde guy, do in the movie? Be Chris Elliott. And so it goes on. Okay, so then it has how to spot her.

You really want that girl, the old man said, eyeing you from the corner of his good eye in an over-the-shoulder manner filled with skepticism that had obviously ripened from over the years, much like a fine wine that made you question her desire for a moment. This is not a bad woman. Not a bad woman. As a matter of fact,

she can be a wonderful companion. Her good qualities are her capacity. Note the word capacity. Ew! Ew! Ew! I mean, yes. Sexual godhood. I don't know why I said ew. Alright, for friendship, orderliness, this should really not be understated,

compassion, servitude to a cause, and quite often makes a mean chicken soup if you are sick. I see what you're doing there. So, if you are dating this woman, you must realize who she is.

If you like this, great. Which I think is a really important thing in the woman that you date. If you like who she is, that's generally agreed upon. That's a good sign. I don't understand. Alright.

So then there's how to get the Virgo girl. After the introduction, you quite possibly wonder if she has any turn-ons. Actually, she is loaded with them. But as she is so damn picky and sometimes downright prissy, at least compared to the Actually, she is loaded with them. But as she is so damn picky,

and sometimes downright prissy, at least compared to the Scorpio girl, the Leo girl, the Aquarius girl, the Gemini girl, oh, and let's not forget the Taurus girl, she masks them from herself. Practically, she's not so much as a turn-off for her as it is a prerequisite to being turned on. Taking risks is just not her forte. I know.

Why you gotta be such a bitch? I know. It's like they're like, I'm gonna be a study in excellence, and then they fucking suck. This dude comes up to them, and then they don't put out. I don't know what's going on. She is either the saint or the slut type,

sexually. And you'll want to find out which one she is, otherwise you'll waste years of your life falling prey to her manipulative promises of sexual gratification. She has STDs. Not that he has any personal experience with that. So she wants to have sex or she doesn't. Yeah.

One of those two things is true. Just that simple. So then there's the chapter on what to do when you have her. Who cares? Let's skip to the sex. All right. All right.

All right. I feel like this needs actually a little bit of sitting. Wait, there's actually a section that says what to do when you have her? Yes, what to do when you have her. It isn't just one sentence of fuck her? No. Well, so sex, as you see, has bombs on either side. Oh, so it does.

Yeah, there's a rating for them. So sex with a Virgo woman is generally not the most sensual experience you will ever treat yourself to. She is very high on technique and non-existent on emotional commitment or sensitivity. At best, sex with her is a series of techniques honed to perfection if she has spent any time actually perfecting her technique rather than an emotionally bonding experience. Your goal is to get her to R-E-L-A-X

and allow the outside world to slip away. Get her to focus on her pleasure by bringing out the best techniques, making sure that she is comfortable at all times without actually asking her if she is comfortable. Because what's the fucking point of that, really? Waste of time. Now, the other Zodiac signs,

you can just do whatever the shit you want. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Virgos are the only one who care. Virgos are not the turbo sluts. That is the cancers. Who knew? All right. Is her hair getting pulled by the couch? If so,

that could be a real mood killer. Only for Virgos. Only for Virgos. Aquarius is fucking love it. Oh, there's gum in my hair. That's awesome. Is it just me, or is this the guy who looks like he'd be in a fucking Zodiac?

Do not reupholster that couch or I will leave you. All right, so if that happens, talk to her through the experience. Get her to reveal what she likes and wants. Don't be insulted. It is her need for specific techniques and spots to be touched in certain ways,

not that your technique is lacking. So if she doesn't come, that's the bitch's fault. But, you know, kind of work with it. She will open up slowly unless you have artfully applied alcohol. Artfully drinking alcohol. Sir, I just artfully applied the pill to the alcohol.

It was a technique. I am a dot-ass painter and pouring Cuervo down bitches' throats. Or have her in one of her sluttier phases. Work on building her trust and do your best to bring her a few orgasms before you focus too much on yourself.

Once you have blotted out every other man she has had sex with by doing this, her natural giving nature will emerge and she will give back to you. Sexually, gifts. She will do favors for you. More than any other woman, you can make this one sexually satisfied. She will pay your rent! That is italicized. All right.

Nope. You will fuck the money out of her. She will be like a corn... She will be a corn star machine you stick your dick in. All right. Now, there's a couple more chapters. So obviously, now that you fucked her,

there's actually quite a few sub-chapters on how to get rid of her. The first chapter is called How to Alienate Her. Let's just let that live on its own, shall we? Something tells me that guy knows quite a bit about that. I think he's good at that. Okay, so that was that chapter. Next chapter, How to Get Rid of Her. Step think he's good at that. Okay, so that was that chapter. Next chapter, how to get

rid of her. Step one, look like I do. Okay. So, then there's what she wants you to know and what she doesn't want you to know. Let's just skip to what she doesn't want you to know, because otherwise you'd have to talk to her

to find out the first thing, right? So, here's how to lie to her. If you ever lie to her, make sure that you jot down all the details in your laptop computer for easy reference. Be sure to name it liesitellmygirlfriend.txt and leave it on the desktop. Because her photographic recall will dissect any flaws in the retelling.

As a matter of note, even if you tell the truth, expect to be given the third degree as having an analytical mind is not synonymous with having a perfect recall. Cover your ass at all times. Now, that's the section on the Virgo woman.

Now there's a couple things that I want to go through real briefly, real briefly, which is that, as I said, this is a compendium of his various books about how to have sex with ladies.

It's not the only book he's written. It's not the only book he's written. He's also written another book. Next frame, please. His other book is called The Easiest Way to learn Navi ever volume 1

of 8 he's a renaissance man volume 1 of 8 the other 7 to be published at a later date presumably I see you with your clothes on. That was an avatar joke. I didn't get it, but good job.

So let's just real quick, because I just feel like this is a nice shift from his other book. Why do you even need the sexual god book if you know how to speak perfect Nabi? Yeah. Yes, that's quite the mystery.

So, obviously, you're learning the language. You're learning the language of Navi, right? And so, in doing so, he has a whole lot of kind of workbooks. There's, like, flashcards and shit that you can print out to learn, like, no, stop raping me in Navi. Okay. Like, no, stop raping me in Nevi. So this is a song that he wrote.

All right. Now, just again, I just want you to briefly remember all of that fucking disgusting shit. All right. So this is, I'm not going to give the whole song, but just the first verse. When I die and they lay me to rest, gonna go to the tree that's the best. When it's time for me to leave, I'm going up for the spirit

in the tree. This guy's a professional roadie who's just writing books, right? This guy's a professional roadie who's just writing books, right? This is his entire rendition of a Na'vi version of American Pie by Don McLean. Oh my god.

Read it! No, because I'm going to read this instead. Buddy, you're a boy making big noise, playing in the tree, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, animal grace, flying your banshee all over the place. Tarook, Tarook, Tarook, Tarook, Mark 2. I got a fat ass, man. If she's not turned on like that,

she doesn't deserve you. Before we finish up with this section here, and I put a shirt on, which I'm sure you're all looking forward to, I actually want to bring you a little bit of... I went through... Book one was the book about the astrological signs. Can I get the

next frame, please? Yes. Book two is called Advanced Shit. Yeah. Alright. Advanced Shit. Nope. Instead of doing that... Because I honestly feel like... I mean, I could go, because that was the thing.

I was like, I'm going to pick the astrological sign. Go with that. It's just more, you know, just weird misogyny. So I actually want to go... We're going to start off by reading the back blurb of this book, and then we're gonna read the credits of this book. So that's what we're gonna do. Okay.

For the first time ever, both volumes of How to Be a Sexual God are made available to the public. Previously, these volumes had only been made available to the greatest teachers of the art of seduction of our very time. The material contained herein has been left as close as possible to the original text, using astrology as a guide and framework for the lessons applicable to all women. When you hold in your hands is the master framework for the upcoming one-year course. One-year course.

Turn yourself into the man that women fight over. In these pages, you will find information designed to make you think. It will challenge your most closely held beliefs about women, and if you study and practice what you discover here on paper and in between these lines, you will be well on your way to the mastery of women

and great relationships. A classic in its own right. These two tests, bind into one comprehensive volume will serve as the basis for future teachings throughout all of the years. That was the back of this book. Now, here's a sentence

from this book. Avatar came out on Dusty White's birthday and he immediately considered itself a personal gift from James Cameron Thank you James Cameron Dusty conceived of and wrote Learn Na'vi the Easy Way

in early 2009 and went on to create Radio Avatar a fan based podcast about all things Avatar Ladies and gentlemen that is Dusty White that is my time thank you very much podcast about all things Avatar. Ladies and gentlemen, that is Dusty White. That is my time. Thank you very much.

Before we conclude, the man all women fight over. Who wouldn't? Sing me your Navi rendition of Radar Love again. And before I get my shirt on. Hello, Vortex. You get to be by me shirtless.

Vortex is coming up next to the stage. Vortex is coming up next to the stage. Now I want you to actually bid. How many ways would you like to tell your lover that you love her? How many? How many? would you like to tell your lover that you love her? How many? How many? How many?

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Seven more. More. A million. A million. A million. You're actually too high now. You have prices right over.

This is 10,000 ways to tell your lover that you love her. Portax, ladies and gentlemen. Woo! My aching heart would bleed. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Whistling my fortunes to make me grow No more I love you

All right, this is 10,000 Ways to Say I Love You. It's by a man named Gregory J.P. Godek. If you recall, he's the Marvel villain who is just a giant head with little arms and legs sticking out. All right, so a few things about this book is that Godek cheats on this book a lot. He makes up stupid little tiny lists. Like just for example on here, he has something like one item is what does she need right now?

And then the next item will be like does she need flowers or a hug? And the next item under that will be like does she need attention? It's then the next item will be like, does she need flowers or a hug? And the next item under that will be like, does she need attention? It's like, you can't fucking do that, but he does. So, since skipping all around this book would be crazy, I have this all printed out here. Okay, now you may be, you may notice that there's a running theme here.

It's really subtle, but you may be able to pick up on it. Let's see if you can figure out when we're done, alright? Alright, number 2007. The ultimate pizza date coupon. The coupon holder chooses the pizza joint and the toppings. Coupon givers treat!

So you make... Now you make the coupon yourself. I love you radically. Alright, now, number 4832. So this came after the pizza thing. Number 4,832 is celebrate holidays together. That's romantic.

He got almost 5,000 into it before he thought about celebrating holidays with his wife. It's not romantic. That's an obligation. Now, to contrast. Happy Boxxy Day. I love you. Now, to contrast, number 13 is write custom word balloons on his favorite newspaper comic strip. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. What? Prince Valiant says, I love you. Honey, why did you change every bubble of Doonesbury? This is weird. Number 29 is hide a pair of earrings in a box of chocolate. Yeah. Oh, God, I cracked a tooth.

Oh, God. Or just use poison. Yeah, yeah. Now, remember, you know, 4,832 celebrate holidays together. Number nine is shoot your TV. What? To say I love you, shoot your TV. No one is more romantic than Elvis.

That's true. That's true. Whatever you say. Number 6,095 is hide a small note in a pizza box. So what's with all the pizza? Honey, you're fat, and I love you. This guy isn't obsessed with pizza. What are you talking about?

Number 61 is... I have this grease-stained note. Number 61 is simply plan sexy surprises. With pizza. Yeah, just hide it in a giant pizza box. Heat up a cantaloupe for him to feel. Number 79

is use your logical abilities and your creative abilities to express love. Which I thought that's what this fucking book was about. Or just buy a book. Your logical abilities. Number 2076.

Circle a date in her calendar in red, but don't tell her why. The end. I know. Lovey's Stevydate. Yes, officer. He circled a date and then he bought a gun. I'm very scared for myself. He shot the TV.

Yeah. He already shot the TV. Maybe that's the next time that show comes on. I don't know. Then he shot the TV. Yeah. So now number 37 of 10,000 Ways to Say I love you is never, never, never wallpaper together. What?

Yeah. That seems kind of personal. There's no context. There's no outside context for that. There's a story behind that for sure. Yeah. Number 3,072, order a pizza with all the toppings she likes best. Yeah.

Honey, I love you. Also, I'm really, really hungry. 10,000 ways to say I love you with pizza. 10,000 ways to say I love pizza. I'm going to bake myself inside the pizza. Number 3,074. Favorite gifts for men. Hobby-related stuff.

There you go. Yeah. Just whatever shit he's into, get him shit he likes. That's a secret. That's a secret, huh? Number 4,864. Become famous for your oddball parties.

Ellipsis. Again, no outside context for that either. We're all wearing our clothes backwards. I love you, Toffee. Make Halo LAN parties, maybe? Number 1,983. Touch your partner with your eyes. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Honestly, could you... Ow. I didn't think that would hurt. Vortex. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Honestly, could you... Ow. I didn't think that would hurt. Could you repeat that one? Sure. I don't think I heard it right. Touch your partner with your eyes.

Why? Okay, I'm sorry. I asked for you to say that. He's got contacts glued all over his body. Why? That's okay. Okay, that one might not be so good, but 12,080 or 2,080 is pretty good. Christmas stockings.

Filled with pizza. Christmas stockings. Aren't sisters supposed to have burbs in them? No. Christmas stockings. I think he's just looking around the room. Stock her during Christmas. See, I'm imagining the personal story behind this. Christmas stockings.

Or did you forget, honey? Okay, okay. 3,131. Save the last slice of pizza for him. That's personal. Yeah, yeah. Honey, I love you like I love this pepperoni. Number 7,771.

Surprise her with a briefcase stuffed with milk duds. What? No! Do that. Yes. I would be surprised. I would, yeah.

How fat is this guy's wife? Wait, was that a Yes. I would, yeah. Wait, was that a briefcase? A briefcase. A briefcase stuffed with milk duds. Janet, where's the Henderson report? I don't know! I got all these milk duds in my... I hope Henderson likes milk duds, because that's what he's fucking getting.

Gentlemen, here's my very important report. Apparently it's a ton of Milk Duds. I'm fired. I'm fired. Number 7304. Don't problem solve. Don't give advice. Just give up.

Number 4607 Tickle Number 9409 Use alphabet serial to spell out love messages C-I-Z-E. Brought to you by Alphabet cereal. Now, Lemon, you're making jokes. I mean, come on. This book isn't about pizza.

This isn't, okay, this is, no. See, 3,562 is eat dinner at the best pizza joint in town. Only the best. A pizza made out of milk duds. So one of the ways he cheats is 2274 through 2639 are that there's 365 days in the year and each day is special. So you can try to find different ways to celebrate each day. So October 30th celebrate

Henry the Fonz Winkler's birthday. Yay! I love you! What? Hey, I love you. Where are you going? Hey, I love you. I bought a matching leather jacket. Henry Winkler doesn't do that.

Yeah. Dude, get some pizza. Hey, hey. Yeah, let's go get some pizza. You want pepperoni or sausage? Sit on the pizza. December 1st, celebrate the anniversary of the invention of bingo. That's okay. That's okay.

That's okay. Okay. Those might not be sexy. Those might not be sexy, but here we go. December 14th, the screw was patented in 1798. Celebrate as you will. No! No!

I'm going back to the cantaloupe! No. That's okay because Okay so those Kind of weird And didn't make any sense But 4,891 4,891 is

Be his gopher Wait what Be his gopher Yeah Yeah Alright Yeah Nobody worry about me Yeah Gotta check it out Let's go over. Yeah. I was talking about the original internet search protocol. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

Nobody worry about me. Gotta check it out. Okay. 8,658. Heads, it's takeout pizza. Tails, it's takeout Chinese. And it is always heads. You better fucking open heads. He has almost one side of coins.

It's always heads. That's okay. Well, this is where you get the coin for it, because 2,652 is fill her purse with quarters. Yeah. Gee, my purse is really heavy. I don't know why. Oh, it's full of quarters.

See, I etched in Washington saying I love you. Very, very much. Fucking go-deck. Keep, it's full of quarters. See, I etched in Washington saying I love you. Very, very much. Fucking go-deck. Keep it in your wallet, bro. You okay, Lemon? You're laughing because you did that already, didn't you? For $8,948 is Banagram, a love note on a banana. What are you looking at?

Honey, I think you love food more than you love me. Number 3,877. Focus on fondling. Focus on it. Yeah. 3,824 through 3,849 is an A to Z list to inspire your love. Ask your partner to pick a letter. He or she has 24 hours in which to perform

a loving gesture based on any of the keywords below. Here are three of the letters. K is for kissing, kinky, kittens, and koala bears. No, no, no, no, no, no! No! There better be some commas in there.

I'm strangely okay with that. I'm whiting them out. I'm whiting out the commas in there. Honey, I broke into okay with that. I'm whiting them out. I'm whiting out the commas in there. Honey, I broke into the zoo again. P is for poppies. P is for poppies, polkas, panties, and pizza. S is for sex. And only sex! That was the only one for S. Is is for sex. And only sex!

That's all I got. That was the only one for S. Is that seriously it? Yeah, S is for sex. Oh my god. And that's good enough for me. Sex and sausage. 3,782 is fireballs.

Hadouken! Yeah. Simply fireballs. I do good. Yeah. Simply fireballs. $6,739 is wear matching ski caps. Just say I love you. They go wrong way. Yeah. I bought a club even.

Number 2092, a running theme in this episode today is take your Trekkie to a Star Trek convention. Set phasers to kill one. Now, one of the ways he also cheats is he makes different individual items quotes on love. So this quote is, love does not and cannot hurt. It is the absence of love that hurts. And that

quote's by Gregory J.P. Godek. Hey, wait a minute! That's the dude who wrote the fucking book! What the fuck? Oh, wait, that's fine. It's cool again. 6,101 is make a heart-shaped pizza. All is right with the world.

Yeah, it's cool. We're cool again. We're back on track. And then you get a call back from Domino's saying, please stop requesting this. It will not happen. We get into the final stretch here. 5,510 is kiss a message in Morse code.

On her, I don't know. What are you calling? S-O-S. 6,082 is it's kind of fun to do the impossible, which is a quote by Walt Disney. I love you. Yeah, that relates to nothing, but that's cool. 5,316, get to know your partner better by asking quirky questions, like, if you were stranded on a desert island, would you wear clothes?

And what kind of pizza would you eat? Stranded on pizza island. 6,408 is keep one fresh rose in the house at all times. However, however, just eight items later, 6,416 says, don't buy roses on Valentine's Day. It's expected. Yeah, you buy it the day before, and you keep it in a cryogenic case. Right, right, right. I want this.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Look at these contradictions. This book was not divinely inspired. And finally, 9,565, The ultimate fantastic delicious pizza coupon, good for one date at the best pizza joint in town. Which, if you recall, 2007 was the ultimate pizza date coupon where you go to the best pizza joint in town.

So he kind of lost track. I am so hungry for pizza right now. Oh, my goodness. Two, three, four. Portex, ladies and gentlemen! Portex, we are coming down to the end of it. What? Down to the end of it?

Yes. I know. I don't want it to be the case either. But it is, and I'm sorry about that. I want to bring one last man up to the stage. We got a little bit more after that, but just a tiny bit more. But I want to bring one last man up to the stage. His name is Isfahan. And he...

his name is Isfahan and he Isfahan is as some of us in the podcast know Isfahan is a fan of guns but that's not what he wants to teach you about he wants to teach you about how to kick ass

like a pacifist Isfahan come on up here applause applause applause applause like a pacifist. Isfahan, come on up here. We're in South Minneapolis. It's all fine. But just in case, for some reason, you end up in North Minneapolis and you got a crackhead in your sights,

Isfahan's going to teach you how to fix that problem. Isfahan's going to teach you how to fix that problem. Isfahan, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. Hello. Hi there. A lot of these books have been about love. But sometimes the love isn't reciprocated.

Sometimes people just want to kick your ass. Love is reciprocated. Sometimes people just want to kick your ass. So what I'm going to be talking about is what to do if you have reservations about that. But at the same time, you don't want to hurt anybody. You've got to bring out your inner charisma to defuse a situation. That's what this book is about. This is Mentalist Martial Arts by Ryan Blumenthal, a man who has a list of credentials. Okay, let's begin.

I believe you. He has credentials. You are about to learn one of the most powerful underground. That's right. Yeah. You knew about this when it was underground. Communication techniques in the world. You are about to learn how to use your words as offensive and defensive weapons.

You are about to learn how to resolve conflict through misdirection. You are about to learn mentalist martial arts. That's nice. Okay. I am a forensic pathologist by profession. I don't believe you. I am a forensic pathologist by profession. I don't believe you.

What I now present to you represents my approach and my insight after years of watching and studying human behavior. I have seen so many unnecessary suicides and homicides in my career. I believe that an understanding of the principles of MMA, remember, it's not that MMA, could possibly, in the acute situation, prevent a potential suicide or homicide or even a rape. What? This is the next paragraph, next sentence. My hobby is sleight of hand magic.

I have practiced sleight of hand magic and mentalism, the art of mind reading, for many years now. I have performed commercially for many different types of people. From presidents, to supermodels, to street children, to tribes people. Still no jump. I believe I have sufficient background

knowledge and experience to teach you what to do in a potentially life-threatening situation. Throw cards at people. With your mind. Yes. I have advised women, based on my MMA principles, on what to do if they were to be involved in a potentially life-threatening situation as a rape attack, and they have told me that it was the best advice they had ever heard.

Who are these women? Please note at the outset that MMA should work in almost every conceivable life-threatening situation except one. That situation involves an attacker who is under the influence of what is known as a GNO's cocktail. This is an attacker who can't be reasoned with. Yes, yes, exactly. Not even with magic tricks? Not even with a... Is this your card?

He could be an angry ex-child soldier with no social conscience. Only ex-child soldier. High on alcohol, drugs, adrenaline, testosterone, and be in possession of a gun, etc. So if he's angry, this might not work. MMA is unlikely to work on an attacker such as this.

Mindset. Let me begin by saying that MMA is taught now for then. This technique is best studied now and applied later in a dangerous situation. So don't have this book out as the person is stabbing you and flipping through it because that's really not what it's about. Don't travel through time into the past. Sir, I feel like if you read

chapter four, you'll realize you're in error. Ow, you're stabbing me, ow. Here's a question. What should a woman do if she is about to get raped? Should she fight or lie there? According to my MMA technique, these answers are all wrong. If the woman fights, she will get injured or, in the worst case scenario, killed.

If she lies there, she will not prevent the rape, and she may get infected with a sexually transmitted disease or worse. Like getting raped. According to my MMA technique you need to think the situation through beforehand when you are safe and quiet and thinking clearly and unemotionally. For instance, you could brainstorm

this scenario with some friends in a coffee shop while sipping a cappuccino. So, tell me, Lindsay. What can you do if you were raped? You were thought about being raped. Oh, yeah, totally. That would be almost as bad as getting a sexually transmitted disease from the ring. This is good coffee.

It's Nescafe. Now, throughout the book, this guy has 14 principles. It's summed up with one sentence, usually, but he goes on and on about them. The first principle is, you need to change the subject matter and emotionally hook the aggressor in a new subject. Hey, how about those twins?

That's it. This requires advanced direction skills. You could rank that building across the street. There's somebody even more vulnerable looking over there. In regards to misdirection, advice for a rape

situation, and this is what really made me decide I wanted this book. My advice is the following. When faced with a potential rape situation, fake an epileptic attack. What? Yes. Go down with your head bent the wrong way. I honestly feel like you get a 50-50 shot with that.

Yes, tell your female friends, I think this is the best possible way out of a potential rape situation. Oh my. Oh Jesus. This was written by the rapist point of view, wasn't it? Let me tell you what I like. I like epileptic girls. No male, no matter how sexually depraved,

will be able to rape a woman if she looks like she is having a violent epileptic attack. Did you do any field interviews on this? Surely these rapists have standards. They're not total monsters. Come on. This month's Cosmo Quiz. Watch videos of...

No, please study epileptic attacks. Take a look at the details. Watch videos study epileptic attacks take a look at the details watch videos of epileptic attacks on YouTube the convulsions must look real that is where the acting and presentation come in you don't want to half ass your fake seizure

so at this point in the book what you've done is you've sat alone at home thought about being raped. You've had conversations with your friends about what it would be like to be raped. And then you've gone on YouTube and just watched video after video of people in epileptic fits. Okay, I think it's better from here. I'm just going to tell you the second principle.

I didn't find anything really funny about this. It's just kind of all bland. Infect them with silence. So I guess the idea is don't say anything and the problem will work itself out. I don't know. Are you in Depeche mode? Okay, so he advises us in the next chapter about perspective. We are aware that there are things we know.

There are also things which we know we do not know, and there are things which are so completely unknown that we are currently unaware they even exist. Wait, that's Donald Rumsfeld. That is an exact quote from Donald Rumsfeld He's known for his peaceful He looks up to the Don, what can I say? Donald Rumsfeld is the most peaceful man in the world

That's true MMA is all about the predictable aspects of people and their behavior in certain situations. MMA is all about the predictable aspects of people and their behavior in certain situations. It is about mind reading, martial arts somehow, and using the tools I'm going to teach you offensively or defensively. Sound familiar?

I just read that a little while ago. Similar to practicing martial arts, you will, with time and practice, come to learn and appreciate these skills, and you should become a better person. A healer, if you will. He doesn't explain how you are a healer. What is happening in this book?

Here's a quote from Benjamin Franklin. Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. Now there's a whole section on how to keep in the sunlight. This is very important when practicing MMA. Your face needs to look as though you are receiving rays of sunlight. What? Bird man!

Imagine your face is relaxed and receptive, the way it is on a gloriously sunny day. The slightest frown or tension in any of the facial muscles will prevent the MMA techniques from working. Wow. So don't have an evolution thing. Yeah. Yes.

It's one thing. It's very easy to not flinch when a guy's trying to rape you. Yeah. So I think it's... That's the third principle, by the way, is keep in the sunlight. If you pretend that you are surrounded

by rays of sunlight, then this will subconsciously affect your body language in a positive way. Trust me on this. Sure. Yeah. I this. Sure, yeah. I have no reason not to. The fourth principle is become an accomplice,

which is pretty much like saying to the guy, hey, I'm on your side. I want to kick my ass too. Look, you like rape, and I like for you to rape me. Hey, I'd fuck me. Yeah, that guy's a jerk. Shut up, me. At the very end, before we carry on,

I'd like to introduce you to a new concept, blah, blah, blah. Keen observation of you. I call this theory DOMSWAT, which is very catchy. It's an acronym. DOMSWAT is an acronym for the diametrically opposite mood sine wave test. And the theory is based around the fact that, incorrect colon, if you are capable of one extreme of emotion, you are capable of the other extreme of emotion.

And this is like, I'm sorry I didn't do the fancy graphic stuff, but there is an actual diagram of a sine wave on this book, if you don't know what one looks like. So, apparently math. So, anyway. It just says if you're capable of 85% manic excitement, then you're capable of 85% depression. So, yeah.

I don't know what 100% means. I don't know what 0% means, really. He's got some case studies here. I'm just going to read one. In the field of forensic pathology, we often come across a so-called crime of passion. This is a very violent crime where someone was stabbed or shot multiple times

because the aggressor acted on a sudden emotional impulse. According to the Dom Swat theory, if the attacker... Wait a minute. He misspelled his own acronym in this book. I just realized that now. D-O-M-S-W-O-T. If the attacker experienced such a vast amount of hatred,

he or she must have experienced at one time the same amount of love for you? I'm going to skip on down to I'd like this MMA in the boardroom meeting, which is a novel I'd like to see. The ninth principle, I'm just going to skip to that. Compare them to others and make them one better.

In this principle of MMA it's important to stroke the aggressor's ego in a very subtle manner, a so-called ego massage. It's like, hey, you're looking pretty good. I don't want to have sex with you, but oh, God, no, stop. Eleventh principle, fail the interview. Fail the interview at the primary scene. MMA teaches you to, quote, fail the interview, and this is the 11th principle.

You can only be included in another person's world if you allow yourself to be interviewed by them. Excuse me, what would you say is your greatest weakness in being raped? My inability to sell a realistic seizure. Yeah, you have one box full of apples and one box full of oranges and one box full of rape, none of them are rapists. He gives an example. The following example describes a man

approaching a woman at a bus stop. Excuse me, madam, what is the time? The man asks. Three o'clock, replies the woman. Strange weather we're having, isn't it? The man asks. Yes, replies the woman. Are you from around here?

The man persists. No, I am not from around here. Enjoy your day. The woman ends the conversation and she has failed his interview. And so he rapes her. Right? No, that's a good thing. Failing is good. I don't know why, but it's good. Oh, okay.

In the meeting between two people there is always an element of marketing going on. One person is either selling an idea or themselves to the other person. A conversation between two people is actually like a low-grade marketing interview. Both are trying to sell an idea or concept or themselves to the other. Now when one fails the interview, one does not allow oneself to enter the reality of the other person. You're not stabbing me. One fails their marketing interview. Now when one fails the interview, one does not allow oneself to enter the reality of the other person.

You're not stabbing me. One fails their marketing interview. Most people want a reaction. Most people want to draw you into their world, their idea, and their reality. Twelfth principle. What would it take for this not to be a problem? This dick that is not in my ass. That's not a problem.

Why type questions hurt people because they are judgmental and people don't know how to respond. For example, why are you wearing that hat? This question contains an element of opinion and judgment. Because it's cold outside. Why type questions are not recommended in MMA, nor are how type questions. For example, how do you two know one another?

It's like, what are you trying to say, man? How do we know each other? I'll kick your ass. The correct type of question is a what question. This is the best type of question that can be asked in a life-threatening situation someone is going to jump out of a window ask them this question someone is going holding a gun to your head ask them this question if you're happy by the way there aren't actually any questions you should ask it just ends the bullet point with a semicolon if you are having relationship

problems ask your partner and yourself this question. If you are in any irreconcilable conflict situation, ask this question. And if you have a bad habit you can't break, like smoking, gambling, whatever. The 13th principle is kind of dumb. What do you really want?

Not rape. I will tell you that. It's pretty easy. Not rape. Unrape is that. Yeah, it's pretty easy. Not rape. Unrape is on the top of the list. Whatever is the opposite of rape, I want that. This last principle, the 14th one, I think he only included because he didn't want 13 principles,

because 13 is an icky number, because there are two paragraphs here, and they are both of them two sentences long for the 14th principle. The 14th principle is, what are the specifics? It gets down to the nitty-gritty. I thought the nitty-gritty was like a broad...

No. They're a dirt band. Very nice. After having misdirected and avoided the conflict situation, you can now engage and communicate with the person instead of running the hell away. MMA teaches us only to engage and communicate

once the acute emotional storm is out of the way. This whole thing is about communicating while the emotional storm is going on. Once the dust is settled. In other words, confront the person only once they are thinking rationally and reasonably. Like, for example, after they've came.

Closing statement. I am happy to have shared these thoughts with you. And who knows? Perhaps MMA will save a life. If not someone else's, then perhaps your own ellipsis with nothing else to say. Perhaps your own.

Yay! That was Isfahan! Isfahan! Isfahan, one more time. Isfahan, please. Isfahan! There are two very important announcements that I need to make. The first, as I know that you know,

we had a second part planned for the F Plus Live. We did have some ska bands. I don't know if you saw the video that we put out. But we did have some ska bands that were scheduled. They, of course, all canceled

on us. We got some replacement acts. But unfortunately, I just got an email just now. Let's pretend. And the following bands have canceled on us

as well. I'm sorry to inform you of this, but I just want you to know going forward. The Presidents of the United States of Skamerica, Tesca Mint, and Skank, the Skca Mint. N. Skank. The Skanking Pumpkins. Alaska Sk... Huskadu.

The Skareeming Trees. Raging as the Skashene. Skatak. Skatak. Rukaskalt. Skabin Hitchcock and the Egyptashene. Skatak. Skatak. Rook-a-skalt. Skab and Hitchcock and the Egyptskans. Skarul. Sir Mix-skalot. Skat Boy Slim. He already

canceled before. You can't tell the skak! You can't tell the skak! Already can't tell the skak already canceled. They were in the video. I just went through this. And also the ska cover bands of other ska bands. Prapska Gandhi. That's fucking funny.

Skoperation Ivy. Against All Skothority. The voodoo glow skulls. I just gave you skull there. I'm just adding skulls. Thank you for noticing the joke. Yes. And finally, my two

personal favorite bands. My personal two favorite bands. U2 Tone. And Wilson, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. Pick it up. I'm sorry to inform you that all of those bands have canceled. I'm sorry to inform you that all of those bands have cancelled

sorry sorry I'd just like to inform everybody that helicopter rides have also been cancelled and as long as I got them up here this is Mr. Boots Reingear, our sound engineer. A very good friend and compatriot of myself. Why don't you go that way, please?

All right, that's fine, too. Come on up here, please. We're going to do this in order. It's all very easy. No, no, please walk this way. Walk this way. All right. This right here is Stog.

There were a very few people that saw Stog do Chameleon Airs Riding. And for those of you that didn't, you fucking got unlucky. That's Stog! A Maryland native who likes guns and nonviolence. This is Isfahan! A Maryland native who likes guns and nonviolence. This is Isfahan! My co-host, my good friend,

and the guy who I put together with me on the podcast because my voice sucks and his does not. This is John! John! A man that I just met yesterday, and I already love him a lot. I really, really do. He's very funny. He's very enthusiastic about things.

This is Mr. Kumquat Zop! Also known as Erica Skadoo. Everything that you have heard has been all because of this man right here. He is the man responsible for these mics. He is the man responsible for a lot of our sound qualities. Plus, he's a great dude. Jimmy Franks! Jimmy Franks!

to Jimmy Franks! He told me today that he was wearing his good metal hoodie. His good metal, not his bad metal hoodie. It was best, you're right. His best metal hoodie, under which he has his best metal t-shirt. I don't need to tell you this is a guy that really likes metal. This is Jack Schick!

I don't... I had nice things to say, but then I felt like she started judging me, and I feel like things kind of got... I've forgiven you. Okay, that's Bump Girl. Okay, coming up next... We got

one of our guest readers. This is someone who has braved the depths of the internet like none other. This is Zarla. Zarla. Go, Sierra! the depths of the internet like none other. This is Zarla. Someone who taught poor lemon who's out back somewhere really enjoying himself for the first time whatever

in the truest way possible the 10,000 ways to say I love you to your cantaloupe. Here'sortax. Somebody's hiding in the wings of the stage who really doesn't like to be stared at. Everybody stare at Victor Laszlo who hasn't said a thing tonight but has done some marvelous technical support. Yay, Victor.

And we'll say yay, Victor any time you want. Fucking hell! There you go. You can have that back now. Thank you very much. I want to thank everybody who came out,

including some of the people that did not get the stage time. Sani Asin out here from Florida. Zarla out here from Los Angeles. Balder out here from Illinois. Zarla out here from Los Angeles. Balder out here from Illinois. Schwa out here from also Illinois. Mr. Three, I don't even know where you're from. Wallach, I forget.

Ian from a couple blocks away. And to everybody, honestly, this has been a magical and wonderful experience. And thank you so very much for sharing this with me lest we forget the man who made it all possible Lemon and Bunny Bread

and Bunny Bread who is currently in a very bad state right now and we wish him the best. And that's all the time that we have for this F Plus Live. For all of you who came down, for whatever reason you decide to, my name is Love and you people are fantastic. Thank you. Please have a very good night. Thanks.

T-H-E-F-P-L dot U-S. If you don't know that, why the fuck are you here? Who are you people? As a closing note, the fresh-ass comedy tent has been cancelled. Thank you.