The F Plus - out07: Masturbation Gone Wrong [short]

Episode Date: October 28, 2011

In this outtake from episode 47 (In The World of Dragon Dildos, Is The Chin Wattle Man King?), we come across a thread where Bad Dragon customers freely discuss the times that their masturbation routines went unexpectedly. Absolute horror ensues.

This program was brought to you by F Plus Live. Is your immaterial fiber confined to your stickiness? Is the 5kg black solid excrement in your small intestines emitting toxin? Do you experience the bitter love trouble? Don't despair, there's a solution. My fake internet name is BootsRainGear, and I will be reading a selection from Hiroyuki Nashigaki's classic self-help book, How to Goodbye Depression, Malarkey or Effective Way, at F Plus Live.

Come see us and I can guarantee that within days you will have a strong, beautiful fire within your abdomen that can release your immaterial fiber or third attention, allowing you to attain a happy, lucky feeling. After all, your liver is the organ of light spring breeze. Hello, this is Portex with another F-Plus Short. This is from episode 47, lovingly titled In the World of Dragon Dildos is the Chinwaddleman King. And it's about Bad Dragon, which is a site that sells sex toys made to look like dragon genitals. The site had some rather... interesting forums, and one of the threads there was titled,

Masturbation Gone Wrong. So what masturbation could be so insane that it makes bad dragon customers say it went wrong? Well, Boots, John, AC Rockawaddle, Kumquatsob, Stog, Victor Laszlo, Lemon, and I found out. Listen if you dare. Okay. My name is WiseguyYakin, and I'm going to tell you a story about masturbation gone wrong. Yay.

How do you fuck up masturbation? Well, this is an interesting story. About an hour ago, I got the usual nightly urge, accompanied by my weekly urge to get mated. So, I did what I usually do. I put on some anime to mask my pleasure moans.

Wow. Wow. do. I put on some anime to mask my pleasure moans. Wow. That's amazing. Usually this guy's neighbors are...

Oh, God. He's at it again. Keep it down in there. Go, Team Rocket at it again. Keep it down in there! Go, Team Rocket! Alright. The problem is he puts on Dragon Ball Z, so it sounds the same anyways. Who knows why? So I mask my pleasure moans,

I grab my lube, and kitsune toy, and I got to work. Well, about a half hour into it, and a lot of sweat and hot sexy action later, I finally take the knot. Jesus! Yeah.

Ugh, okay. Okay, I just suddenly realized what I was reading and I just got kind of shudderous. Okay. Don't break the character. Boom, boom. Rose. Okay. Okay.

This isn't an everyday thing. That was the first time I took the knot in a long, long, long time. So, enjoying my nice, new, full feeling, I decided to do what I love the most, play with myself in front of the mirror and watch my tail hole enjoy my little kitsune friend. How about a tail hole? Did you enjoy it? Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Gross.

So, as I'm standing from my bed to get my mirror, the wire from the vibrating egg add-on tangles around my ankle and pop! It gets yanked out of my tight, tender little tail hole. To add to the injury, I was clenching so I could move easier. Oh no. Oh yes. Now, luckily it didn't cause any damage. Just seriously startled me and made me yelp.

With this in mind, I shall remember to never stand up with this thing inside me again. Again, stop cramming fucking gigantic things up your ass. You're always the wrong lesson. That's an image you're never gonna forget.

Now, what was on your mind? This being said, two things come to mind. I seriously wish the shaft behind the knot was a bit longer so I could stay tied with the knot deeper. Number two. I wonder if anyone else on BD has any funny, scary stories like this. Oh, they do. So, with this being said, does anyone have any funny or awkward stories like this. Oh, they do. So, with this being said, does anyone have any funny or awkward

stories they would like to share? I have more. Such as, I'm a firefly! I'm a firefly! That's one. There's also, wait, did I close this door? There's also super smash sex? And my favorite,

that is not a chew toy. It is to you. Trust me, these come up later. You will see what they are. I love how the first thing that comes, well, the second thing, I guess, that comes to mind after accidentally yanking a sex toy out of your ass

is I wish there was more of it in me. I wish it had been farther up my ass when it accidentally got ripped out. I really want someone to take Bruna. Wait, aren't we going to do Techie Wolf? Oh yeah, Techie Wolf's good too. Boots, Techie Wolf.

Okay, I'm Techie Wolf. Well, I have a couple of experiences in that field, mostly because I was young and inexperienced at the time. It was a class. Several years ago, I got my first sex toy. It was a Kit Fox, I believe. And I was naive to proper lubes and such.

So what did I use? Conditioner. Well, that comes in a bottle. To be fair, my ass had great volume after that. It kind of worked, but I tell you, my friend came in a few hours later and asked, why does it smell of sex and hair washing in here? Womp womp womp.

Oh, oh. Leave your story. Okay. Well, here's a super embarrassing one. Because the last one you kept too much dignity. But because it was years ago, and several people know, I can tell it now. Okay. So I was young, and liked

nodding. And well, one time I nodded the kit fox But kept pushing because I was pawing When on Vicodin at the time For my foot, had surgery another week before And kept pushing the toy And the base went pop inside me too Oh god

I came and then reached for the base went pop inside me too. I came and then reached for the base only to find it wasn't there. So how do you try to get something out that's inside you? You push. I know, that happened to me too with a glass ball. We should be buddies. Well, being unsure

that I was really completely clean as there's always a chance of santorium. Oh, good. Sanatorium? No, no, no. Oh, sorry, sanatorium. Oh, it's santorum.

Well, it's supposed to be sanatorium. But he says sanatorium. Yeah, and there's actually, it's not sanatorium anyway, unless you had somebody come in your ass before you jerked off. Yes. Leave me be.

If you not three times, Rick Santorum appears behind you. Hi, everybody. I shoved a thing up my ass. Want to see? I decided, hey, I'll just sit on the toilet and push it out. Well, I did. And it nodded with the bottom of the toilet. Oh, no. It took me like an hour to get it out, Well, I did. And it knotted with the bottom of the toilet. It took me like an hour to get it out, and I was panicking

the whole time. How would I explain it? I couldn't flush it away. That would suck. So yeah, lesson learned, Smiley. Smiley face. What was the lesson? So he managed to eject it from his butt so forcefully that it became

lodged in the... It was like a goddamn Nerf blaster. More wax and tygings next time on Tying the Knot. Or to do a 180 and then just... I'm assuming there was just some flashy anime background and something spelled out in kanji and then he just kind of shot it out. He probably just went, I'm assuming there was just some flashy anime background and something spelled out in kanji and then he just kind of shot it out.

He probably just went, I'm going to shit this up my ass! Thanks, dog. You're welcome. He brings a valuable service. I don't think it comes back. You don't have to ask whether that family is for a portion. You wanted to know about the story I was teasing,

which was I'm a firefly, I'm a firefly. I want to hear it. All right. Well, here it goes. Me and two of my closer friends were out in the desert camping, and we started messing around. I wanted to stretch out for the big boy who wanted to mate me. So, searching around, the only decent thing I could find was a flashlight. The D-cell

ones. So, I stretch a bit and rubber up the flashlight and lube it up. This isn't going to end well. Oh, sure it is. I work with it a bit and get it pretty

far in. Well, once I got it deep enough, I hit that little grunt spot. And it made me squeeze right on the button. When we all seen the light go on, everyone started laughing wildly, including me, making me squeeze over and over again, making the flashlight flicker on and off for a good five minutes, the entire time with them laughing and shouting, I'm a firefly, I'm a firefly. Isn't that funny and not just wretchedly horrible? No, this sounds like something John Carpenter would cut out of the movie

in the mouth of madness. But why is Guy Yakin? I want to know more about this camping in quotes. I'm assuming it's just a bunch of furries that went out into the woods to fuck each other. Yeah, pretty much. But why is Guy Yakin?

I have a question for you. What about Super Smash Sex? Oh, I wish you didn't ask. Oh, Jesus, no. Tell me about Super Smash Sex, please. Do I have to? Okay. If you don't, I will.

I will. Okay, well, simply put, my ex really, really, really likes Super Smash Brothers for the GC. Well, he was visiting from Puerto Rico, and we were in our little hotel room and he's playing SMBM. Well, I around and try to get him to play with me, only to get no responky and he's on and has on turny mode.

So I yank his pants down and jump on him and still no responky. After this I get a bit upset and lube his tail hole and mount. Figuring he's gonna turn off any second.

The game. He made some trouble. Lemon, you sound drunker than I am. No, I'm just getting a little emotionally hurt. I wanna hear the end of the story! Okay, so I've lubed up his ass. And you're fucking him while he's playing Smash Bros. Fucking him while he's playing

Super Smash Bros., but still no responky. So, as afraid as he is of doing things bareback, I go ahead and mount him, no rubber, and tell him so. Ill! No responky. I continue,

as rough as I can be, and I eventually finish. I colapse on him, load leaking out everywhere, and comment on how nice it is to come in him. He finally looks back at me and says, and I quote, You almost made me lose! Hurry up next time!

And that is why he is now my ex. That may be the best thing we've ever read on this podcast. Okay, okay, coming close here. We got Oni Wasabi, which is Comic-Con. Oni Wasabi. My first sex toy was a 14-inch Pog container. That's too good, dude.

That is radical. He doesn't need to buy a dragon butt, Gilbo. Yeah, he's got pogs. That's the most 90-est masturbation ever. No, that's what I call a slammer. It was huge. It took me months of working at it to get it to fit. But it was worth it because I had a lot of the metal slammer things.

See? You were right. So it had enough weight that it would slide out with lube even if I was clenching. So it made for a perfect riding toy. Later on, when I was 18,

I gained access to a masturbator toy and stuffed it between the mattress and box spring of my bed. So I was having myself a nice little bisexual three-way one day being rammed while ramming while still wearing a t-shirt.

My parents' old house was under 150 years old and lack of insulation in my room so I was always cold even in the heat of things oh that's more play so just as I hit the most intense orgasm of my high school age my mom

opens the door to my room even if I lock it there's a trick to pop it open and god I hate old houses now I'm not a moaner I'm a gasper and breath hard when I'm going at it. She looks at me and says, what the hell are you doing? Right then, my ass was clenching so hard on the pug container, I could feel it. The plastic deformed a little bit, not to mention my hips want to keep thrusting as my seed was pouring out of my dick into said masturbator. as my seed was pouring out of my dick into said

masturbator. Is this the end of the story? Oni Wasabi, you're a scholar. What more do you need? Hold on, I have to give an award. The award for most economical use of thing to shove up your ass goes to Oni Wasabi for not

spending $100 on some dragon dildo shit. But he spent like $100 on Pog. See, yeah, I thought the end point of that was going to be so long. There he is. Wait, I just found another one.

I just found one right here. Oh, Jesus God. What did you find, Kumquat? I found something. Oh, God. A dog's staring at me, and he's going to tell me some sex story. That's not happening. That one's absolutely not happening. Okay, so the one that I just now

found was, another time, I was looking for something to maybe try out playing with my tail hole. My family's big on saltwater fishing, so there were these sluggo fishing lures lying around, about nine inches long and about an inch across. Very soft. I lubed up with some olive oil and gave it a try. I didn't have enough firmness

to really tease anything, and soon I was feeling a slight burning down there. I pulled out the lure and washed it off, but the burning got worse and worse. It must have been the plastic softeners in the lure at work. Anyway, I went on to catch a 31-inch-inch striped bass on that lure. Oh my god, no.

Oh god, fish. I just kept chuckling to myself as we measured it out before tossing it back. I took a long time washing the lure, but I'm glad we already had a 40-incher in the cooler for dinner. That fish killed himself for some reason. If you're wondering, no, I have not tried to repeat this technique of sending my bait since. Yes, you have.

What he didn't point out is it was a bass furry. It was like a bass with a man body and nipples and stuff. Oh, God. Hey, Boots. No, we need to end. with a man body and like nipples and stuff. Oh god. Hey boots. No, we need to end. We need to end this. We're done.

Very well. Just read the top two sentences. Just do it right there. On the one that Konkwa just pasted? Yeah. Let's make a rule right now. Never ever, and I repeat never ever

use toothpaste to masturbate ever my asshole is minty