The Flop House - Ep. #418 - Cool as Ice, LIVE

Episode Date: March 2, 2024

We're gearing up for Max Fun Drive pretty soon (3/18-29), so as a reminder of why you love us so SO much, instead of a regularly-scheduled mini we're dropping ANOTHER full live episode from our recent west coast tour! This one was taped at the Aladdin in Portland, in front of one of the hottest crowds we've ever been blessed with, discussing one of the silliest movies we've ever discussed -- the Vanilla Ice starrer Cool As Ice!Wikipedia page for Cool as IceHere's a special, (limited time) deal for our listeners. Right now get 50% off a ONE-TIME PAYMENT FOR A LIFETIME Babbel subscription - but only for our listeners - at Babbel.com/FLOP.

On this episode we discuss Cool as Ice, live from Portland, Oregon! Hey everyone, welcome to the Flap House. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalen. And yes, we are live from the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon. Stop two on our Errors Tour. We still have some juice. We'll see how it goes.

Look, I have been whining so much. It's four dates. You do whine a lot. I'm glad you recognize that about yourself. I'm not used to doing anything. But, yeah, we got up, we flew here, and we're glad to be here to talk about Cool as Ice, starring one Mr. Vanilla Robert Van Winkle Ice. Yep. When he wrote the letters accepting the role, Mr. Vanilla Robert Van Winkle Ice. Yeah.

When he wrote the letters accepting the role, it said from the desk of V. Ice on the top. They're like very ice? Yeah. V that? Now, V. I. Warshowski. Was that a Vanilla Ice project as well? Yes, Vanilla Ice Warshowski.

Exactly, yeah. Everyone remembers those... But anyone one movie? So put anyone in one movie. So did anyone in the audience actually watch Koolizice? Wow. Wow. Wow. You guys are lucky.

You're lucky. Yeah. You're welcome. Yeah. So we're going to be talking about Koolizice today. I have the lucky job of summarizing it. Let's see how I did. OK.

How you did? OK. Yeah. Stewart's unstuck in time. Okay. I did. Okay. Stuart's unstuck in time. He's experiencing all moments at the same time. Take a look through the portal of time. Dan, you forgot Stuart left his watch inside a radiation experiment of some kind. So now he's on Mars at the same time he's here. So have you ever heard the podcast with Stuart?

Dr. Stuart. Dr. Stuart. I'm just sick of all these vanilla ices. I may go out to space of all these vanilla ices. I may go out to space and make some vanilla ices of my own. So if you've never heard the podcast before and you've been dragged here, we're not going to show the movie. I'm going to paint a word picture of Cool As Ice. Do that on your own time, please.

I'm going to do it poorly compared to the movie. If you ever wanted to have Vanilla... Vanilla Ice, to have cool as I described to you you're like buckle up I can't it would be too much work to go to Wikipedia and read a summary I'm sure along the way we'll describe villain allies okay so the movie opens with a dance number that's right I'll say this the first seconds of this movie are fantastic and not electric not on the ironic level that I enjoy much of the movie on. So this is where the director's really like showing off his music video and Playboy video directing shots

before we get into it. So a lot of people talk about how you got into it, Dan. Yanis Kamitsky, Academy Award-winning cinematographer, did the cinematography for Cool's Eyes. And he's here tonight! Bring him out! Uh, you know, so the movie looks beautiful on that level, but also the director.

I was really setting Elliot up for a Yanosz-Kaminsky impression. Yeah, what does he sound? I don't know. Yeah, I'm very worried about that. Was that questionable? Hello, you know it is me, Yano Shikuminski. I like to make movies at night. So he's the cinematographer, but the director of the film.

Let's put the shot over there, my children. Yeah. In addition, like his other... I don't drink wine while I'm working. But at night... He's unprofessional. Drink wine while I'm working But that's not professional after a day of working with mr. Spielberg sometimes I need a little bit of something I like to unbind with a little wine The anyway I'll be in my coffin until tomorrow shoot if you need me you want to talk about wine or whatever

They know that the director of this film... I remember they asked me... They asked me to be the director of photography on Big Night and I looked at the set garlic everywhere. No, no, said I. The director... His other big film is Inspector Gadget starring Matthew Broderick. Yeah. Big film is Inspector Gadget starring Matthew Broderick. But he has a long career as one music video director, two a director of television commercials, and three a director of Playboy videos,

which helps you understand Cool of Zies, which is just a series of striking images that don't relate to one another. Yeah. Set to music. Dan, for the audience, do you want to describe playboy videos for anybody? They're basically just videos where girls take their clothes. We're kind of all agreeing that Dan misses calling as being a playboy Imagine there's sort of like a mechanics garage where an attractive woman works and there's like one smudge here And she's like I should take my clothes off to deal with this. Now you may say to yourself it's a mechanics garage

there's not it wouldn't be an old-timey jukebox in the corner. Oh that's where you're wrong. So a lot of images. Okay so the movie opens with... That's what the movie images is about right? It's about the making of a playboy movie. Movie opens with a dance number that's basically like a whole music video or what get with it no that's later like a whole music video for what? Get with it? No, that's later on. I can't remember.

Everybody get loose, I think. Yeah, they're all, all the Vanilla songs are essentially the same song. Every, it's about getting loose, getting with it. I'm a great rapper. I'm such a great rapper. I'm the best. That's essentially every song. So this is Everybody Get Loose featuring Naomi Campbell.

We got a big star. Yeah, they all then disappear from the film, but... She disappears, yep. Uh, we get the whole thing... It's not called cool as Campbell. Ha ha ha. The video is set in a warehouse. There's a lot of dancing, flipping, et cetera. As the song wraps up, we are introduced to a crew

that helped perform these dance numbers. Johnny, played by Vanilla Ice. Should I call him Vanilla Ice or Johnny? Just call him Vanilla Ice. Okay. So we have Vanilla Ice. Should I call him Vanilla Ice or Johnny? Just call him Vanilla Ice. OK. So we have Vanilla Ice and then his posse, which is Sir D, Jazz, and Princess.

Don't worry, they don't mention their names that many times. They're not even, and they're not really in the movie for after a certain point. They hang out. They hang out. They hang out, yeah. They're in a different, more Richard Link-Later-ish movie. Yeah, where they're teaching sort of an elderly mechanic

couple how to cut loose. Yeah, well, they just got to waste time. They're bored a little bit, yeah. So they head out on their motorbikes down like a lonely country highway. Vanilla Ice does some stunt motorcycle driving against Kathy, a young equestrian. He spooks her horse.

She gets mad at him. And then they do a little bit of like fight-flirting, playfulooks her horse, she gets mad at him, and then they do a little bit of, like, fight-flirting, playful banter. Yeah, she hits many banters. I think it's... I think she is letting him off easy, considering he could have easily killed her. He... By spooking her horse, by driving a motorcycle,

jumping over a fence in front of a horse. And I don't think he jumps a fence. Yeah, and she gets thrown. I think that he gets let off easy. I'm gonna hazard a guess. He doesn't understand horses very well. No. Well, he's like, look at that big meat bike.

Well, later on, later on, he describes her specifically as, yeah, that Chuku drives the horse. Yeah. He's a city boy. He's not used to seeing horses. You know, he's a city boy. He's not used to seeing horses. You know he's a city boy.

That's a big rat that's kidnapping that lady. Well, you can tell he's a city boy because he has bricks shaved into the back of his head. Yeah, okay. So we should describe Vanilla Ice because this, this movie- If you didn't grow up when Mr. V. Ice was popular. He, this movie, the biggest falls this movie has,

is in presenting a world where vanilla ice can walk around and people aren't just like, Gogolite being, what are you? What is this? What are you talking about? That's what the movie is. No, they treat him the way you would treat like a leather jacket and punk in the 50s.

They don't treat him like a neon cartoon character. Oh, I disagree. I think the beauty of this film is he goes to the small town and everyone's like, what the fuck is this? Not enough. Not enough. The fact that anyone in the movie holds a conversation with him without being like, what? What? What?

Holds a conversation I think is charitable. So in the middle of this... They should all, every scene, they should be looking at each other going, is this a real person? Like, did you hire this guy for my birthday? Yeah, yeah. They're looking around for the camera and it's right there next to Yanash Kaminsky. Yeah, yeah, just pretend we're not here.

It's a movie. You're actors. I don't know how you're forgetting this. So... The sun's coming up in minutes. We gotta get this shot. No, I don't I don't understand is he are you concerned with you know magic hour or you concern with the fact that you're a vampire I have to choose. It's a little bit the balls. Okay. There was a space on the Venn diagram that says hurry up is right here

So while they're driving through like a small town USA Serb urban town jazz is bike breaks down in the middle of the street. Everybody looks at them, they're like, what's going on with these guys? Luckily, yep, they definitely don't pull over. No, they just hang out in the middle of the street. Luckily, through happenstance, they

find local mechanics, Roscoe and May, who live in a very quirky Peewee's Playhouse type thing. Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. Oversize furniture and salt cakes and whatnot. The roof is a giant map of the world, right? who live in a very quirky Pee Wee's Playhouse type thing. Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. Oversized furniture and soft fakers and whatnot. The roof is a giant map of the world, right? Love it. Perfect. Okay.

They have globes like impaled along the edge of their yard as if to warn other globes from coming to their house. Other planets. And this is all stuff that, again, striking images that will just like cut to like, oh, let's look at this for a little while. You know, you're such an interesting thing. Yeah, sure. It has nothing to do with

the story but it's probably better than whatever we had cooked up at a certain at a certain level you could cut together a scene from cool as ice and a scene from what's the David Byrne movie true stories and absolutely you wouldn't be able to tell that much of a difference yeah so while they're waiting around for the bike to get fixed, they see Kathy riding along with her preppy boyfriend, Nick. Not on a horse in a car. No, they're riding around in a sports car.

Like a metal horse. And they like to be very similar actually. It's very important, the dichotomy of this movie, he has a car and Vanilla Ice drives a motorcycle. And she drives a horse. And she drives a horse.ves drives a motorcycle. And she drives a horse. And she drives a horse. She drives a horse. She's the perfect croninverigin melding of organics and machine.

Turns out Kathy lives just down the street from Roscoe's house, which is like, wouldn't the neighborhood committee be like, you can't put fucking globes on this? He was there first before the yuppies moved in. They can't get rid of them, try as they do. Okay. So Vanilla Ice runs over and they engage in a little bit of a flirty banter. Meanwhile, he distracts her and steals her organizer

for some reason. Cool guy behavior. He's the hero of the movie. Meanwhile, inside the house, we get this, uh, like a family life sequence that's sped up super fast so that it's kind of terrifying. It's pretty, it's pretty. It is, again, it's like, they're not...

I guess maybe they're... There's a satirical edge to it, and I don't know if they're intending it or not. This kind of like sped up world where this her younger brother watches TV and kind of passes out. Like it's not bad stuff. No, but it definitely feels like this is a music video. Yeah, it does.

I mean, this is essentially Vanilla Isis' version of Moonwalker, the Michael Jackson movie that just videos put together. Except for, I really wish there was a point at which he turned into claymation. Yeah, or a giant robot at the end yeah that'd be amazing that doesn't happen though yeah so the family gathers around the TV and they watch a segment on the news about how Kathy's kind of like a scholar athlete and her dad Gordon Winslow is played best one. Played by who? Played by Michael Gross. He's played.

TV's Family Ties Dad and everyone's favorite Trimmers Hunter. Here's the thing, no, watch the movie and tell yourself, Michael Gross is doing an impression of James or Baniak. He is. Somehow. His voice sounds just like him, his mannerisms are a lot like him.

Interesting. Yeah, thank you. One person in the audience agrees. That's all I need. Jesus needed 12 followers, I only need one. are a lot like him. Interesting. Yeah, thank you. One person in the audience agrees. Affirmation. That's all I need. Jesus needed 12 followers. I only need one. So this news story has a little bit of reach, because meanwhile we see in a bar a couple

of mobsters are walking to see the story. The local news about this scholar. Yeah. And on the news, they recognize her dad as an old informant. And just to clarify things, Gordon Winslow, Michael Gross, is actually Jimmy Hackett, a former cop who turned what evidence against his partners. He had a dirty partner, and he turned evidence against him in his conferences.

He got put into witness protection. This gets cleared up later. Much later. But like, we'll cover it now. Well, but yeah, we will cover you now to make it clear. But it's weird to me in the context of the movie that Michael Gross takes, like he knows that he's in danger. Yes.

And he takes so long to explain to his family why. When the movie kind of implies like, oh, maybe there's like, maybe he has some reason why he's ashamed of it. Whereas like, if I was in this situation, but like, no, I did the right thing, like there are criminals now after me, I'm going to tell you everything immediate. Dan, if you had been in this situation,

you would have done the right thing and not put your goddamn face on television. Yeah. Yeah. I guess he's just so... And it makes more sense than when you're watching it. He's kind of like trying to half-shield his face with his hand. I'm so proud of my daughter. I'm so proud of my daughter.

Just the sun's in my eyes. But, uh... Okay. He's proud of his... I mean, I understand that. I'm so proud of my kids that they got to be on TV. I'd be like, yeah, send some hit men after me. I don't care. Don't really do that. Meanwhile, over'd be like, yeah, send some hit men after me. I don't care.

Don't really do that. Meanwhile, over at Roscoe's house, good, good save. So it turns out that Roscoe is completely deconstructed jazz's bike. Uh-oh. It's gonna take at least 24 hours to fix. It's like, this is sort of a play on a motorcycle. A motorcycle two ways. But you need all the smears of sauce around?

Of course you do. That's the best part. That's one of many ticking clocks we'll get to others. Meanwhile, Johnny goes to their house, and he's going to talk to Kathy again. He bumps into the mobsters who have already shown up, and he's talking to them. They're like staking out the house.

They are sitting on their car just within plain view of the front door of the house. Yeah. But this is not their intimidation moment because they come back later and they're like, They come back later. And they're like, hey, it's us. It's like, what are you doing just outside the house?

They were there so Johnny could talk to them, which would lead Michael Gross to, of course, thinking that they're in cahoots. That's the thing. To assume these two gangsters are working with, again, an alien cartoon. Flat top man with a down-by-law jacket. And multiple different outfits,

even though he had no luggage on that motorcycle. The ball up is closed and stuff him in the exhaust pipe. I mean, he wears a lot. Here's a question. Four different hats. What gig do you think that they were going to that took them through this zone? Whatever they were going, they were gonna freak out some squares.

That's a good point. I guess they were on their way to the NASA Coliseum. The mobsters show up and they like threaten Michael Gross. They say, you gotta give us $500,000 in damages, I guess. And you have 24 hours to do it. It's like $500,000 worth of DVDs of damages. How will I get them in time? I mean, just wait alone is going to be a challenge.

Yes. Okay. Meanwhile, the kids all go to a party at the Sugar Shack. That's a local venue. This is the nerdiest venue they could possibly go to. It's pretty cool. There's a local band that is not doing very well. I kind of enjoyed their weird like funk punk take on. Like they sounded like a worst version of the Minutemen kind of. Yeah, it was almost because they're doing it's what a Sly Stone song. Yeah. And it feels like almost like a Neil Hamburger version of the Sly Stone song.

Yeah. Yes. Vanilla Ice and his crew show up, and they commandeer the microphones, and they perform their song, The People's Choice. The crowd is like, What? Well, the crowd is initially like, cold to it,

but they warm up. Yeah, they're like, this is the new sound they've been looking for. Yeah. The honeyed words of Vanilla Ice. Well, and Vanilla Ice like pulls Kathy in, a vanilla ice. Well, and vanilla ice like pulls Kathy in and they start to dance and Nick's like, I don't know if I like this. Don't approve. And she gives him a countdown. She's like, look, you got 24 hours to return my organizer.

I'm like, oh man, I'm gonna fucking watch. She then gets in a fight with her boyfriend, who's like, why are you dancing with that maniac? And he's drunk and he's frankly being an asshole, right Dan? Or Dan's like, oh, he's been reasonable. Dan's okay. Let's see how Dan gets in this time. Whenever I have something to say, they assume that I'm gonna, no, this is an interesting tactic.

Dan's like, Barbie got too many Oscar nominations. No. You did it, Dan. No, I did not. You did it. Stuart told me you said it. I guess there's two sources now. Yeah.

People are saying that you said it, Dan. No, this movie is playing a card that I think is funny that a lot of movies play where they're like Like they make it a viable choice that vanilla ice is the romantic lead for this woman by Making the other choice a dick and clearly these are the only two men available So well, I guess between these two this guy's available. It's like, well, I guess between these two, this guy, he's a goober, but he seems nice. Well, after he steals her organizer, he keeps calling her college girl in the weirdest way possible.

Yeah. That's Vanilla Ice. Not everybody. Everything he says is like so smugly delivered. And the script for it, I'm like, did they improvise this whole thing and Vanilla Ice provided his own, like, he seems so pleased with himself, but everything is like, I mean, his line delivery is like the little girl from the fall?

It's like, does he know he's in a movie? He thinks he's actually a romance in candy. They're paying him with candy. But it is true that every line, he seems convinced that he is the greatest performer in the history of the world. But that works for his characters, characters of Vane Asple. It's perfect. So she gets in a fight with her boyfriend Storms Off. The mobsters follow her on the road and then luckily Vanillae shows up and saves her on her motorcycle.

But when he drops her off at home, her dad yells at her. He's like, do you know this guy? And she's like, uh, I just met him. And he's like, you shouldn't date him. And she gets mad at him. I'm like, no, your dad's kind of right. He's like, look at this guy. Look at him. I have to admit the first time, and I can't believe I'm saying this word, the first time I saw the movie cool as ice. I may have been a little stoned. And I didn't like really covered yourself. I can't arrest you now It didn't Elliot talks into his lapel. We don't got what we need forget it Call it all stand out stand out sniper stand out

It didn't take the shot actually, you know what go for it Wow My friend for so many years. It was all a long time, Dan. Yeah, the deep cover. It didn't sit... Like, the farce plotting of this didn't sink into me. Like, how much they're, like, misunderstanding there was going on where it's like, oh, Michael Gross saw Vanilla Ice with these... Literally saw him asking directions from the mobsters.

Right, and now he's like, oh, he must be friends with the mobsters. Because, like, in my mind, I'm just like, yeah, you know, of course Michael Gross would be like, in my mind, I'm just like, yeah. You know, of course Michael Crows would be like, don't date this guy. That the movie has to give him a plot reason to say, don't date this weird stranger who almost killed you with his motorcycle when you were riding a horse. OK, so after dropping her off, Vanellies

goes back to the sugar shack to pick up his crew who are nowhere to be found but it doesn't matter outside Nick and his buddies are like beating up Sir D one of the game and one of his crews bikes and then vanilla ice beats them all up easily single-handedly Single-handedly barely breaks a sweat. It's incredible. And then he leaves. Next morning... Like a regular vanilla reacher. Guys, next morning... Oh, I guess this is important. Standing up. Wow.

Possibly my favorite moment of the movie. Kathy is awoken in her bed. In her home... In her home. her private residence, with an ice cube that's being first dripped into her mouth and then pushed between her lips. That ice cube held by, of course, vanilla ice. Now, do you think he created that cube with his ice powers? Yes.

That's to be assumed. Yes. There's nothing in the movie that says otherwise. Professor Xavier taught him to harness his mutant capabilities. And then kicked him out of the school. Yeah. You're giving mutants a bad name. So Vanilla, she always thinks you're weird. Everyone thinks you're weird and we have a very good amount. Have you seen us? No, we are weird. We're weird. Anyway, class of 2000 whatever, go on and be weird in the real world.

That was the speech? I do like the idea that Professor actually like just fucking go out there and go crazy. Look, I was wrong. It's a living fucking life, man. I was wrong, apocalypse was right. Let's go show those flat scans what it's like when a mutants around

We are homeless superior fuck it man And they're like I think I think professor Xavier is having a midlife crisis He really souped up his wheelchair yeah, everybody I bought a Corvette wheelchair and But then I went into therapy I feel like the like the robes and outfits he wears when he goes into outer space to hang out with his space girlfriend. He's like a super midlife crisis move. Every man reaches a point in midlife when they say goodbye to their old life and they

go into she our space with their alien feather-haired girlfriend because she's half-bird. Leaving behind the school they run. Okay, okay. So Kathy wakes up with this strange man in her bed. She's not in for a date. She's cool with it, though. She's almost cool as ice with it. Yeah.

Yeah. They banter a little bit. They, like, run around the bedroom playfully. From another perspective, it might be terrifying. They end up going on a day date where they ride around on his motorcycle. This is where it gets the most Playboy video as they like frolic in fields of wheat. And in a half finished house. Yeah, well they visit this construction site.

Yeah, they visit this construction site. They horse around. They ride a horse. They ride a bike around in the desert. They play around in the field. This is all one day, I guess. Yes, all one day. They pose.

A frolicking, a day full of frolicking. Is it the weekend, is she's not in school anymore? Is it time has no meaning in the desert? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. This is cool as ice, baby. They show up. He drops her off home late. I know you got the day off from school for Yom Kippur. This is cool as ice, baby. They show up. He drops off home late.

I know you got the day off from school for Yom Kippur. Let's go out to the desert. Ha ha ha. Wow. Johnny, I didn't expect you to know that. I understand the calendar. Ha ha ha. I want a brag.

Let him say, I bet I'm supposed to be atoning today, Johnny. Well, we're not going to eat. We're just going to frolic around an unbuilt house. In a way, in a way that unbuilt house represents the unfinished world that we're tasked with repairing. Oh, a red ice. You're so wise. As the good books say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get with the hero, not with the zero. Yeah, that's in La Vida Ice. Stuart, if you don't know what I'm doing, I'm just going to be doing more of Vanilla Ice is a rabbi joke. Yeah, so Vanilla Ice drops Kathy off at home or or Cat as he calls her, drops her off at home, and her dad, Michael Gross, comes out, and he confronts him, you know, they have a big fight. After Vanilla Ice leaves, he comes clean with Kathy,

explains the whole situation, the witness protection, et cetera. He urges her to break up with Vanilla Ice, which is not a surprise, but surprisingly, she agrees with him. She decides to do it. She breaks up with him I mean she does I'm she probably does see the wisdom in like oh there People trying to kill the family maybe and I just met this guy yesterday Yeah, also you gotta imagine she envisioned herself at the altar and and she's like, am I really potentially gonna marry vanilla ice? Yeah.

Mrs. Ice. I mean, based on all his outfits, based on all his outfits, his fucking, his tuxedo for the wedding is gonna be incredible. Oh, it'd be great. Those tails are gonna be so long. Yeah. It's gonna wear like a bright orange leopard print jacket. Yeah.

I'm just describing Stuart's wardrobe now. What I would not give. Yeah, for the listener at home, Stuart has a terry cloth, fully terry cloth. All terry cloth, yeah. With a cheetah print on top. It doubles as a towel. Yeah.

Okay, so Kathy breaks up with Vanellis. Vanellis rides off on his motorcycle angrily. You know, he sits and stares off into the middle distance. He goes, hangs out in Roscoe's house in a giant couch. Tommy, her younger brother, shows up with a new haircut that looks nothing like his. Sorry, Tommy. I mean, he did it himself. He said, I did it myself. How's it look? And Bill Ice is like, great. Sorry honey.

I gotta say, as much as like Goober as Mr. V Ice comes across in this movie, like he is pretty like sweet with this kid. Yeah, he's very good with this movie. He's a good dude. He's the hero of the movie. He's the hero. It is written to, you know, burnish him a little. Yeah, it is a radical move for the hero of the movie to be nice to a child.

I know. I just, I, there's some charm here. There's some charm. It's hard to, it's hard to be, it's hard not to be nice to a kid who so clearly idolizes you. I mean, me and my boys, they don't feel that way about me, but you know, that I'm sure if they ever met Freddie Freeman, they would feel that way, you know? You're saying about them, like, like, liking to draw you farting? Let's not get into it. They were doing chalk drawings in the backyard on the pavement,

and they drew a picture of my wife holding a guitar, and they're like, you're a rock star, Mommy, and they drew a picture of me sitting on the toilet with farts coming out. It's a different kind of love. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's a deleted scene where the little kid Tommy expressly does not do that. Yeah, yeah.

I could draw this, but I won't. So he gives Tommy a motorcycle ride. It's great. It wouldn't be respectful to Mr. Ice. Yeah. While they're riding around, they see Nick, the spurned lover, now beaten up fellow, and he sees them, which is important

because it's another misunderstanding. The mobsters, after Tommy's dropped off. It's like a clockwork French farce. Is this vanilla ice or French vanilla ice? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. You're welcome. You're welcome.

Whoa. Oh, wow. Full heel turn. Heel turn, heel turn. You're welcome. You're welcome. Whoa. Oh, wow. Full heel turn. Heel turn, heel turn. You don't deserve that joke. What? What happened? Oh, man. Zone out for a moment, and Elliot's yelling at the audience. They love that joke on the East Coast.

Wow. Yeah. When I go tell that joke in Miami, they're gonna love it. Or Charleston. So the mobsters break in and kidnap? Technically the East Coast, Dan. Doesn't have to be the Northeast to be an Eastern Coast. You're right. I was about to argue with you.

If I don't keep... If I don't talk about the movie, I was just gonna keep naming American cities. That's true. In Baltimore, they like that joke. To be fair, If I don't talk about the movie, I was just gonna keep naming American cities. That's true. In Baltimore, they like that joke. To be fair, half of our podcast is just naming things. Okay, so the mobsters break in and they kidnap Tommy.

An important point on the screen, tech mobile, the video game. Yeah, that's... Earlier... It's a great game. You always play the 49ers. Earlier, he's playing, is it Mario Brothers 3? I can only tell from it from the music and hearing that music It was it was like and I hate to bring up a French thing I know you guys hate for French stuff, but it was like it was like

Proust biting into that metal and just hearing that little bit of Mario Brothers 3 music just took me back Give me the beat boy. I want to get lost in your Mario Brothers 3 music just took me back. Sure, yeah. Give me the beat, boy. I want to get lost in your Mario Brothers 3 soundtrack. Okay. We need to stop clapping because... It's only encouraging me? What? Because Jazz's bike is finished. It's time for the crew to move on.

All things must end. Yeah. But his friends are very sensitive. They're like you gotta hammer out this problem with Kathy Yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, you won't be the same. So vanilla ice goes to say goodbye However, he accidentally delivers a ransom tape in the process The dumbest rent he picks up this envelope He has a conversation with the dad of the door, and then he's like, oh, by the way, this is for you. He doesn't say, this was on your doorstep.

He says, this is for you. OK, so at this point, everybody but Kathy thinks vanilla ice is in on it. Nick shows up, and he's like, yo, I saw him driving around with Tommy. Everybody thinks. Dammit. Yeah.

Kathy, however, is like, no, I'm gonna give him one more chance. He's a good man. She goes over to Roscoe's house. She confronts Vanilla Ice. And in the process, plays him the ransom tape, which is an audio tape, which is great because that's Vanilla Ice's natural meat. That's what it is, yeah. He's a musician. He's got those musicians' ears.

Yeah, yeah. And in the musician, he's got those musicians' ears. Yeah, yeah. And in the process of listening to the tape, he hears somewhere in the distance the sound of that construction site that they hoarsed around at. The rhythmic pounding of that horrible heart. Okay, so using that knowledge, they go to the construction site, they bust into the hideout of the bad guys, Okay, so they, using that knowledge,

they go to the construction site, they bust into the hideout of the bad guys, they beat the shit out of them very easily. Easily. They save Tommy, they show back up at Roscoe's, driving the mobster's car with the mobster's tied to the hood. Now, is it more unbelievable that Vanilla Ice

is a one-man army corps, or that Vanilla Ice is in any situation without people being like, what are you? So the mobsters are tied up? I guess I'll leave that up to the listeners. Dan and Stuart have no answers. No, the end is in sight. Yeah, we're so close. So close.

Yeah, we're almost done with the ice. Michael Gross walks up. He's like, I'm so sorry. Vanilla Ice, yeah, goddammit, I respect ice. Michael Gross walks up. He's like, I'm so sorry. God damn I respect you. Yeah, God damn I respect you. You bastard. I don't like your methods. Take my daughter right now.

Yeah. Well, it is funny how the cops are there, because they've been called because of the kidnapping. They drive up with the thing, and then immediately Michael Gross is like, oh, I'm sorry. And then he's like, don't stay out too late. He's like, if you guys are going to do it, you got to do it normal, not weird style.

Is no one going to take anyone's statements about the crime that was committed? It's more like, yeah, you can go out and do my daughter. Yeah, that's the only plot hole. They don't take any statements, folks. OK, so Kathy and Johnny, you know, they make up. They're like, you know what? In this crazy world, we're just two young lovers.

Nick shows up and he's like, uh, what are you guys doing? Or why are you breaking up with me? Of course, they make fun of him. They ramp off the hood of his car. Well, he also says... He does that. This is the last you'll see of me and my car.

Proving again, he identifies mostly with his car. He's a car person versus vanilla ice. Yeah. And he's deviant two-wheeled ways. He's not a horse person. He's not a bike person. Two wheels good, four wheels bad. Uh-huh.

And then as the slow motion. Car farm taught us. Yeah, probably George Carwell. Yeah, Stuart, let's finish it, shall we? I'm sorry. As the... Actually, George Carwell sounds like George Carwell. Yeah, Stuart, let's finish it, shall we? I'm sorry. As the... Actually, George Carwell sounds like George Orwell and George Carlin put together. These are seven words Big Brother will not allow us to say on the business screen. Thank you for bringing it home, Elliot. So Stuart, cool as ice? Yeah. As the slow-motion motorcycle touches down, we cut to the get-witted video club performance

where Vanilla Ice plays an entire song again. He shows off his dance moves, it's incredible, and, notably, Kathy is there dancing with him forever. Yeah, and I guess... That is the end. That is cool as ice. What a movie! What a movie. There's one thing, Stuart, you did an impeccable job. That was a fantastic summarizing job.

There's one thing I just want to call attention to, which is when earlier Kathy has has given Ice a ring and when she's like, I can't see you, he sneaks back to her room and drops the ring into her fishbowl and when she comes back home, the first thing she does is check that fishbowl as if she expects there to be mail in it. It's like, oh, message. Yeah, yeah, she checks it like I check my Instagram DMs. Yeah. Did this... these fish poop this ring? Oh, wow, my fish made me a ring. Nice.

So nice of them. I guess I'll marry my fish. These are magic fish. If I cut them open, there must be many rings inside. No, Kathy. No. So, of course, of course, this is the part where we make our final judgments about cool as ice. What are those fucking categories, Dan?

Wow. Okay, agros stew there. Is this a fucking good-bad movie, a fucking bad-bad movie? I don't like it when you do it. Or a goddamn movie you kind of like. This is, to me, this is a, this is a primo good bad movie. A lot of, like, I would make the argument that the best bad movies are not totally bad.

They have qualities that are actively enjoyable and they're just juxtaposed with really weird stuff. But they're being used at cross purposes. And I would like to further a theory that I have. This is Dan's movie theory. Often theories are named after people's last names, but you could call it Dan's movie theory. Sure. The McCoy theory of... Yes, my name is Fermat Jones. This is my last theorem. There are certain bad movies that are indistinguishable

from a great comedy with the same premise. Because this movie is essentially like... Vanilla Eissens' movie is essentially Zoolander. In that he's like a narcissist, just swanning about making smirky looks, thinking he's like the coolest fucking thing. Dress is crazy. And everyone in the movie is like,

what is going on with this dude? But he wears them down with his innate goofy goodness. It's like if the point of Zoolander was that Zoolander is the coolest man in the world. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's a lot of fun. I think it's good.

Bad. Yeah, I'm going to say it's a lot of fun. I I think it's good bad. Yeah, I'm gonna say it's not good I'm gonna say this is a movie I kind of like I will say the ice man coming Put it on the criterion re-release What if that's it again? What if it what if that was what the play was about? What if that's it? Again, what if that was what the play was about? It's me, Gene Chalice. We're all here at the bar talking about

our wasted dreams and wasted lives, then Vanilla Ice walks in and goes, what up everyone, get with the hero. Yep, yep. Yep, yep. No, I mean it's so much fun. I think it's very stylish, like the Ice Man himself. I mean it's so silly and I mean it has, like, there's a definite charm to the movie.

It's great. Thumbs up. I am right in the middle in that objectively it's a good bad movie. Subjectively, I do kind of like it because it is, at many points in the movie, I am not laughing at it. I am delighting in it. And at a certain point I was like, if David Lynch made this movie, it wouldn't be any different.

It wouldn't be any different. And was forced to cast vanilla ice? Same movie, same movie. And it's 90 minutes long. Oh, so beautiful. The perfect length for anything. Well, not for like a, like a, like strangling. That would be too long, you know. You know, 90 minutes is too long for that, so beautiful. The perfect length for anything. Well, not for, you know, like a, like a, like strangling. That would be too long, you know.

You know, 90 minutes is too long for that, you know. Thank you for clarifying, because I was going to strangle you for 90 minutes. No, like a bow move meant too much. You're going to use a loophole, a loophole of strangling wire. No, but 90 minutes is such a perfect length for a movie. It's just like, there are certain times when you're like, they're not making the movie they think they're making. They're making a better movie than they think they're making. Yeah. Yeah, so, I guess that's the verdict for all time.

We did it. Yeah. We did it. Give that movie all the Oscars. Mm-hmm. I'm Emily Fleming. And I'm Jordan Morris. We're real comedy writers. And real friends.

And real fucking cheapskates. We say why subscribe to expensive streaming services when you could stream tons of insane movies online for free. As long as you're fine with 25 randomly inserted super loud car insurance commercials. On our new podcast, Free With Ads, we review streaming movies from the darkest corner of the internet's bargain bin. From the good to the weird to the holy shit,

look at John Claude Van Damme's big old butt. Free With Ads, a free podcast about free movies that's worth the price of admission. Every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org or your favorite pod spot. Hello, everyone out there. Thank you for coming to our service. Yes. We are ready to heal you. We are Ross and Carrie. We are faith healers. Yes, you there.

Yes, sir. You have a spirit of... Not listening to enough podcasts. We have the solution for that. We can cure you. You should listen to Ono, Ross and Carrie. Hallelujah. It's on maximum fun. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, you there. Gladys. A spirit of boredom. Oh my goodness, we have the solution for you. It is to listen to the podcast. Ono, Ross and Harry. Oh No Ross and Harry.

The Fluff House is sponsored in part by Babbel, the best way to learn a language immersion, living where the language is spoken and using it every day. But if that's not in the cards this year, you can still learn a language the second best way, and that is with Babbel. Babbel's quick 10 minute lessons are handcrafted by over 200 language experts even. Not experts. Not experts then? Not egg experts, yeah.

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We also have some flop house stuff from the flop house that we wanna tell you about. I mentioned at the top of the show that we have some live shows coming up, March 31st. We're gonna be in Brooklyn at the Bell House. It's an Easter flop house special. That's right. We're gonna be at the Bell House for a show at 7.30pm.

And we're gonna be talking about the garbage pail kids. Yeah, let's say it's a movie equivalent of the garbage pail kids. I don't know how else to say it. It's the movie equivalent of the garbage pail kids. I don't know how else to say it. It's a magical time. Yeah, yeah. So that's March 31st at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

You're going to love it. And then a little less than two months later, on May 24th in Oxford, England, we're going to be doing two shows in one night as part of the St. Audio podcast festival at 7 p.m. Greenwich meantime, I guess. We're gonna be doing The Avengers, not the Marvel The Avengers, but the Hollywood remake of the British television show The Avengers.

And at 9 p.m. we're gonna do Spice World. That's right, Spice World. As of yet, the only Spice Girls movie, but I'm holding out hope. So that's March 31st in Brooklyn, and May 24th in Oxford, England. Plenty of time for you to get between those two locations and see all those shows. For tickets and more information, go to flophousepodcast.com slash events.

Also, I just want to mention that the Max Fun Drive is going to come up real soon. Just a little preview of the sort of bonus content we have in store for this year. The Spawn LA live show is going to be our sort of day one flop house bonus content, but also we're planning on doing a series, a sort of, you know, we're going to explore a filmography, a sort of a, blah, check, if you will, of Graydon Clark. We're going to talk about joysticks. We're going to talk about the forbidden dance, something from later in his filmography, probably it's going to be a whole series, not as full filmography, but we're going to do three movies of a man who was

known for some dreck. It's going to be a lot of fun. Probably Stuart is going to do some role-playing game stuff, some more floppetails. I can't commit to that for him, but he's been talking about it. So I think that this year there's going to be a lot of extra Flop House bonus content on the Maxfun feed. So just be prepared for that. I hope that you will consider becoming a member of the network. But we're gonna head back unless, Ellie, do you have anything before we move back into the show proper? I have one thing I wanted to mention. I mean, yes, I should mention my series back unless, do you have anything before we move back into the show proper? I have one thing I wanted to mention. I mean, yes, I should mention my series Hercules from Dynamite Comics is coming out in April. And yes, that I'm doing another podcast, the 99%

invisible breakdown The Power Broker with Roman Mars in the 99% invisible main feed. It's an amazing podcast series. If I do say so myself that about a really amazing book, The Power Broker. But I also want to mention that a very good friend of mine, a former NYU classmate and still current friend, Sasha Kenton is crowdfunding her original television pilot script to produce it as a short. I would love to drum up some support for her. It's called I Meow Back,

and this is the description she has written for me. The pilot I Meow Back, written by Sasha Kenton, follows Zip, a teen girl, as she returns to high school after becoming disabled. Now she redefines her relationship with her former best friend. Will they fight? Will they find their way to becoming dot, follows Zip, a teen girl, as she returns to high school after becoming disabled. Now she redefines her relationship with her former best friend. Will they fight? Will they find their way to becoming dot, dot, dot,

something more, a question mark. With the onset of the COVID epidemic, disabled people now make up 20% of the population. There's a built-in audience ready to see positive representation on TV. And this pilot was a semifinalist in a few different festivals. And she's trying to raise not a large amount of money,

she's trying to raise $4,000 as her goal. As I'm recording this, she's about 25% of the way there. So if you're interested in supporting a very talented independent voice in media from an underserved community, someone who deserves a chance to get their material out there, please do my friend a favor and do me a favor. Go to imiaobackfilm.com. That's the letter I, like in the word I, like myself.

I meow, like a cow says, I meow like a cat says. Cows don't say meow, they say moo. I meow backfilm.com. And please, supporter if you will, that'd be great. I mean, save some money for the next fund drive, but see if you can help her out. Okay, so what do we do next on this podcast? Well, now we are free from the prison of this table.

Stand up. You did it. What? We've got legs. The curse has been broken. And well. I can dance again. I'm not going to, but I could.

If people have questions to ask, I think there will be a microphone that will appear as if by magic. There it is. Right there. It's like the movie There Will Be Blood if it was a microphone instead of blood. It's like the movie Magic if it was a microphone instead of what, a killer dummy?

If there was any magic in that movie. I think I might have talked about this on the podcast before. I heard a rumor once that the movie Magic, instead of starring Anthony Hopkins, was originally supposed to start Gene Wilder Thousand times better movie. Yeah Agreed. So what are we gonna do about it? Go back in time. Let's go back in time and make that happen. I gotta go back in time. Okay

First question Recently I watched the movie Chameleon Street. Great movie. Yeah, and immediately I wanted everybody to see this thing that it seems like nobody had ever seen. What's the last thing in the year, last year or two that you saw that was like, this is the thing, nobody's seen it, I want everybody to see it? I don't know about everybody seeing it. I don't know whether everybody's seeing it. I don't know whether this is on an episode that just came out or it hasn't come out yet,

but I recently saw this movie, Dr. Calgary, which- Not the cabin of Dr. Calgary. No. It's from- Don't let him fool you. It's from- This one is from the early 80s. It is from the director of Cafe Flesh, the cult pornographic film. You've eaten there.

And it feels like if, you know, like an underground art troupe had the set designer for Pee Wee's Playhouse and made a semi-erotic, semi-just weird remake of the Cabinet of Dr. Calgary. It's interesting. I mean, I don't, yeah, like a kid, not for everyone, but I'm saying that it's... Take your children too, Dr. Calgary, says Dan McCoy. Don't.

I feel like the last time I saw a movie that I was like, wow, how come more people haven't seen it was like Butcher Baker Nightmare Maker, have you ever seen that one? I hear about it. It's a solid old slasher. It's gross, it's weird, but that's pretty cool. OK.

Thumbs up, bring the kids. I think it's two movies that I've recommended on the podcast before. There's a Brazilian movie called Property that I don't know when it's coming out, but I got to see it. And it's a really good thriller with a social social edge to it. But also this there's a little Czech New Wave movie. God damn it. It's called Lark's on a String. It's directed by Yuri Menzel who made closely watched trains and

it's beautiful. It's just a I found it to be such a moving experience to watch it as a movie and then I guess I watched some dumb thing for this podcast and it erased that movie from my mind for a while. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello. Hey thanks. Name's Rob, first time first time. And my question is if let's say some madman was making a flop house themed Street Fighter 2 knockoff. Which repeating bit would you include in the game and what character would they rip off? Oh, oh, yeah, somebody's... What character? Somebody's dick's gonna have to get ripped off.

Feels like a layup for me. Which Street Fighter character sings for a long time? Blanca? Kinda. I don't know, like, there's a character named Dan that's a bit of a joke in the Street Fighter series. What? This is the first you're hearing of this? He's got a ponytail. Have you ever had a ponytail? I've never had a ponytail.

We gotta change that. Yeah, that does have to change. Okay, yep. God, get one. Extensions, anybody? The next morning, he shows up in our rooms, wakes us up. He's cut off a ponytail. No, Dan, no.

This is what you wanted, right? No. What have we done? Did we answer the question? I think so. Well enough. Yes, that's fine. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Approval. Thank you so much for recommending Bratz. You're welcome. Not a sentence I hear a lot. Thanks to you, my wife and I have enjoyed Bratz and Cats and that weird one with the The teacher. Anyway, in terms of your like Mount Rushmore of movies you've seen and then just watched a bunch, at some point Dan said, I think Bratz is the movie I've seen the most.

Is there one that's on the top right now of sort of, oh, this movie in the style of Branson? You mean like a movie we, like a good movie or? Like a bad movie that we've seen before. A movie you were exposed to through the podcast that's now transcended. Oh. I mean, yeah, like Branson cats have to be close to each other. Yeah, they're on there.

Branson cats, oh, what a crossover that would be. Branson cats have to be close to their time. Yeah, they're on there. Branson cats. Oh, what a crossover that would be. Branson cats, there's... Double F, Fateful Findings, W on their young. We're actually, Dan and I are about to host a movie that we're about to do a host of screening in Brooklyn of a movie called Don't Tell Her It's Me, starring Steve Gutenberg.

You may know it as The Boyfriend School. You could know it as that. And yeah, I just love it so much. Steve Gutenberg, of course, plays a man playing Lobo Marenga, New Zealand biker. It's a romance novel. He really glossed over it. Steve Gutenberg plays a man playing Lobo Marenga, as we all know. As if Lobo Marenga is a famous character.

It's great. I love it. He's a sickly cartoonist who his sister, Shelley Long, creates a New Zealand character for him. I thought that was all implied by what I said. Sure. You know what? It was perfect the first time. I'm sorry. When he first appears on screen, he looks like he has been made up

for a test audition for a Ziggy movie. Yeah, thumbs up. It's a great movie. Yeah, check it out, I movie. Yeah, check it out, I guess. Go to the busier local library. Don't take our word for it. Hey, how's it going? Hello. So, one of the most prominent features of Cool As Ice is Villanella Ice's jacket, which,

in addition to saying down by law, also has the words, deep danger, lust, and yeah. Which is also a line of dialogue that happens, and then it shows the word, he on his jacket. So, my question to you, for each of you. I just wanted to interrupt. It looked like you had the jacket up. What's the price tag on that backboard?

I got you, I got you. I think there's some numbers on it too. There's a lot of stuff on that jacket. $169. Whoa. Nice. Hey, all right. Fair.

That's fair. Yeah, that's not bad. It's not bad at all. Not bad. That was back when text was getting. If this is coming. Yeah. So my question to you is if each of you

had your own leather jacket with words that are important to you and your personality, what would the words on that jacket be? That only ends with I have a fucking lot of words. I get a lot of words. A lot of words. Psy, look. Here's the thing.

Butts. Butts. Yeah, users would say butts, here's the thing. Butts. Butts. Yeah, you used to say butts, but on the screen. This is a lot of butts. Yeah. I mean like ding dong. I guess. This is a sad exercise in reducing our lives

into a series of dumb catchphrases. Uh oh, Ra Rao. Ra Rao, yeah. I'm a badphrases. Uh-oh, Ra-Row. Ra-Row, yeah. I'm a bad little boy. Bad little boy, yeah. I'm a bad little boy. Yeah, these are, how may I say? Yeah, mine would probably have maybe the...

My fucking tombstone right there. Maybe on the back, the whole passage from Hitchhiker's Guide about the whale falling down. That's what I have, yeah. Nice. Yeah. Thank you. That was a good question. Thank you. That's what I have, yeah. Nice. Yeah. Thank you.

That was a good question. Thank you. Oh, and on the sleeve, on the sleeve, mine would say, dynonicus. Greatest of dinosaurs. Is that your favorite dinosaur? Of course it is. Wait, it's the single greatest dinosaur? Of course it is.

Name a better dinosaur. You can't. I like that. You're right. Me, a person who doesn't really know a lot about dinosaurs, cannot name a better dinosaur. You can't. I like that. You're right. Me, a person who doesn't really know a lot about dinosaurs, cannot name a better dinosaur. You don't know a lot about dinosaurs. You know who you share that with? My children, who have no interest in dinosaurs.

Hey, let's meet them. The youth of today. They love to go to the Natural History Museum in LA. I go, can we go to the section that's basically the bones of real life dragons? And they go, no thank you. They're like, oh wait, hey daddy, there's a garbage truck outside, can we look at it? Oh. Now it's even worse, my older son is like,

hey daddy, can I just sit and watch football on TV? And I'm like, what happened? What genetic mutation caused this? You wanna see the original football players, the Ankylosaurus had a helmet. You know that football helmet looks a lot like You want to see the original football players the inkylosaurus had a helmet You know that that football helmet looks a lot like a Pacquias sephalosaurus skull. Let's go down the museum That's what I should do. Thank you still. Let me tell you about the original football player

That would be a hard left turn for you to take. Yeah, I have to say. That would surprise them. Knowing my stance on God, they would really surprise my... That particular form. Yes, yeah, yeah. Anyway, pardon me. Sorry. All right. Take your time. Yeah.

You okay? I think I'm good. Okay. Hi. Hello. Hello. Hi. I'm Woo. You okay? I think I'm good. Okay. Hi.

Hello. Hello. Hi, I'm only last name withheld. So, Elliot, you actually mentioned at the beginning of the show how... I don't even remember a thing I said. No, no, she's gonna recap it for you. Yeah, it's a good, it's recap, don't worry.

Okay, okay. Just like the podcast. You mentioned how Cool As Ice is incredibly similar to True Stories, and I was actually going to work that into my question originally. Great minds. I was surprised. I watched them as like a double feature

like a couple weeks ago. You said, I wanna see two movies. The only movies made by two musical geniuses. Well, equal in every way. Yeah. So like the funny thing is like movie madness, the local movie rental place. Woo!

Well, cool. Some genius there must have placed cool as ice right next to True Stories. And my partner was like, oh, let's pick these up. And so. You are so lucky, Deuce Bigelow was not sitting next to either of those. I was so lucky for that one. Otherwise, completely different night.

So after watching that, I was like, these are the same movie. This is just the same movie. So my question is if you were to pick a genuinely good movie on like artistic merits that you think is this is just bottom line world-class kind of movie. Okay. And then a flop house movie that you think is just plot wise or shot direction, the exact same thing. What a great question. What would it be? Oh, what a great question. This is the sort of brilliant question that...

I'm gonna go, I'm gonna cheat like crazy. I'm gonna say, 7. I'm gonna say seven samurai and rebel blood moon Team of space heroes or whatever That's cheating I already forgot most of the title I Already forgotten most of the movies we've covered Protection that my brain does yeah, so if like I like a kind of like a team forming type thing. So I'm gonna do a rebel movie. And a genuinely great movie.

Let's see, now you see me too. Oh, the second one. Flop House movies. What are? Oh, the Flop House is a comedy podcast about films with floppy, their commercial is pretty good. Dan, Dan, Dan. What? Scroll down, scroll down.

Uh-uh, further down. Or swipe left, I don't know how the internet works. List of movies, the Flop Uh-uh, further down. Or swipe left. I don't know how the internet works. List of movies. The Flap House Wiki. Here we go. Sure, that one. Uh, Halle Hagland, uh, Crimson, everything.

Elliot Kaylin Feet? Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna say, uh, Rebel Moon. I'm so sorry. This is a good question, but I don't... That's a good question. I want you to write us in that question so we can answer it. So we can think about it. After taking some time to think about it.

Please promise us. That's a great question. Yeah. You stumped the flappers! They said it couldn't be done. Hi, my name is Jemme, last name withheld. I do not work for the Hollywood theater. So every time I try to explain the flop house to someone, I invariably end up going on, you know, taking a time to talk about Donald Rumsfeld.

And you're most important. Not the way I thought that sentence was going to end. Makes sense. I'm like'm gonna top 15 or 20 guesses Well, he famously did that like sort of type 5 on knowledge theory about the like oh no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you don't know. And it was just, even to discuss is just sort of paranoia, right? But he totally ignores unknown knowns, which is things you know, but you don't know, you know them, right?

Which if anything, which if anything is like our, our biases and preconceptions. Yeah, yeah, assumptions. Yeah, yeah. And he leaves those completely unanalyzed, which I think is telling about some of Rumsfeld. Yeah, very much so. Right.

Right. Where is the... Okay, so we should explain. I apologize. It's been an in-joke for me and Stuart all through the tour so far. The moment when one episode of The Sopranos, where the guy gets his head gets thrown over by a car and another guy throws up seeing it.

So we're just routinely pretending to throw up every now and then. I just love the one day I watch someone and he's like, oh shit! The vertigo induced by the question I guess is too much. Okay, but I think I almost understand. Yeah, so I feel like the Flop House has a similar problem, sort of a missing part of the sort of Punnett Square of movies. Right. Where you talk about the bad, bad movie, the good, bad movie, but then you just cut the entire half into movies you kind of like instead of good, good movies and bad, good movies. Oh.

Yeah, bad, good movies. Like bad movies you like, almost. Well, well, no. Or a movie, well, I don't know how you're talking about it. Well, that's the question. You're going to have to explain it. I thought I had it. So the way I think about it is like when you have a plastic bag

and it won't open up and you're doing this with it with the top and you think you've opened it, but you didn't. If I rub it long enough, certainly. No, no, no. You got to lick your fingers. He'll lick your fingers, right? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't lick my fingers.

You lick your fingers. No, why would you do that? You monster. No. I'm in a store. It's clean, right? No. No. You monster. I'm in a store. It's clean right now.

So a good bad movie and a bad bad movie They're both bad movies and usually because they're made in like an incompetent way Yes, and then the good and bad is basically your subject to another movie So a good bad movie so a good good movie obviously is a well-made movie that you enjoyed and a good movie would be a well-made Competent film. It's just not any good. Yeah, so what like Babylon Dan? You son of a bitch Elliot paid him to come up and do this bitch No, I you know I like I Oddly enough this has come up before.

I think people have mentioned this. I don't know if I believe in that. I mean, like, what to me, this is, like, maybe Oscar bait movies, like movies where it's just like, this is competently made, handsomely mounted, it is not doing anything interesting. Yes. Or that, for for whatever reason those things don't Gel they don't get an emotion the right to me. That's a bad movie That's that's that's the thing. That's that's that's that's the extra leap that my brain makes from like I reject this category

Interesting what do you think I've said my piece Now I force you to say something Ah, interesting. What do you think? I've said my piece. Now I force you to say something. I think I'm pretty clear that I don't like Babylon. Well, you don't like Joy. At the same time, everyone with the exception of a few people making decisions about what's in the movie is doing good work, I guess.

Stuart? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the recent rankings at the work, I guess. Yeah. Stuart? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the recent rankings at the Warhammer tournament in Las Vegas. I think that's an interesting point, Dan, that to subdivide bad in that way maybe is artificial, but I think it's fun. Sure. Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks. Dan, there's plenty of movies I like that you probably don't like. Thank you Dan there's plenty movies I like that you probably don't like I mean it's just that city's a sigma or less that got second place Five steam tanks in it like what the fuck? I hope your question is about Warhammer. We got to get to do out of this Deep in a W hole No, only Yeah, Lischlo's ranked deep in a W hole. If only. So in my house, like, relatively recently, we were having like a series of... Unfortunate events.

Unfortunate events. We were having a series of argument discussions about cliffhanger endings and how come some of them... John Lithgow dies on that, right? Settled. Settled. No, no, it's endings because just like Clue, there were three endings to cliffhanger. And how come some of them feel so satisfying and like anticipatory and then other times they just fall flat and like end up being kind of disappointing?

And we were having trouble pinpointing like what's the line there? So my question to you is what do you look for in a really successful cliffhanger versus what makes it feel just really unsatisfying? I think when it comes to cliffhanger endings especially, but endings in general, what makes an ending work is not necessarily what's in the ending,

but what leads up to that end. Like an ending to a movie to me is like a joke where the punchline doesn't work if the setup doesn't work. Like the setup needs to give you everything you need for the punchline. And there's a lot of movies where the cliffhanger ending is more of a like, didn't see this coming.

And it's like, you're right, I didn't see that coming. Because you didn't set it up right. Like this. You wanted an ending to this scene, huh? Well, sorry. Yeah, or like they say, one of John's sales is kind of lesser movies. It's this movie called Limbo, where

there's this mother and daughter and this guy, and they're trapped somewhere, and they blah, blah, blah. But the important thing is their personal dynamic, and whether they're going to be able to figure out how to work together and get along, and essentially become a family unit. And a plane is coming, and they don't know if it is the people who are coming to kill them

Or the people who are coming to rescue them and the movie ends before the plane gets there And I remember seeing it and being like and I remember seeing it with someone and they were like what? I was like it doesn't matter the point of the story was their relationship in the fucking title dude Well exactly we're like the cutting edge for instance where? At the end spoiler you don't know if they won that competition. It doesn't matter. It's about whether they came together as a team. So like those, those work for me, but there are times when the cliffhanger is more like, there's other times where it's like setting you up for the sequel, which we're not making. I'm so sorry. You're

never going to find out why Peach needed Mario Luigi to come back at the end of the old Mario Brothers. I think I made a similar like statement on a recent episode where it's just like, if it's an emotionally satisfying arc, if the characters have reached some sort of conclusion, and then there's that plot cliffhanger, that's good, if it just seems like it was like, well, I don't know, we ran out of film somehow,

even though this wasn't shot in sequence, like that's a bad way of doing a cliffhanger. Well, it's like the ending of the Tim Burton plan of the apes where they were like, this is gonna really blow some minds. What? It's like, what? Hold on. Ape Lincoln?

I guess that sounds like ape. It does. I like it when it's like, you find out that the guest, he's been a bad guy the whole time, and you think he's dead, but he comes back, and you're like, oh, wow, the guest's still there, and my hand rose like, what the fuck, he's been a bad guy the whole time, and you think he's dead, but he comes back and you're like, oh, wow, the guest's still there, and Mike and Rose like, what the fuck?

And that's the end of the movie, it's thumbs up. So Stuart approves of any cliffhanger ending that is the guest. Can't argue with that. Thank you so much. We hope that was helpful. We're settling arguments tonight. Evening, Peaches. Thank you.

Hello. And evening. And it's Chris, last name with help. For us long time listeners of the podcast, you guys have been going for over a decade now, so congratulations to that. Oh, thank you. Thanks.

I know. Yes, we are quite old. Thank you. Now, as real people, we get to see you grow and have this kind of parasocial relationship with you folks. Like, author, beefcake, dance happy now. We're all happy about that. Yeah, actually, yeah, that's good.

I mean, harsh. Do a fucking spin, Judy. There's a personal time. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! So unlike real people, characters don't really grow in the same ways through the decades. So, what's a character that you've kind of engaged with throughout your life that has changed to become either better or worse as the interpretations went on? Ooh. And you can do Sherlock Holmes. It's fine. Well, you know what? No, it's interesting. Like, that was the first... Like, the first thing that came to mind was, like, Sherlock Holmes, but, like, a derivative of, like... The TV show House was a wonderful show for a few seasons.

And the problem with it was... He's a man, not a house. Yeah, I'm like, this is fucking bullshit. Oh, thank you. I was... When is he gonna turn into a house? You hear the name and you're like, how'd a house get a medical degree? No, the requirements of that type of show, they're like, uh, you know what, we're gonna pretend like there's gonna be character growth, but there's not. And welcome to television, Dan.

Which is what, like, you know, I would have loved that show if it was like five seasons. It's like, you know what, by the end of the season, this show, maybe he's not gonna be a great guy, but there's going to be some growth. And I don't know, like, I haven't read a lot of the later Sherlock Holmes stories because they get weird people. Like, he's like looking, he's trying to find some vampires, maybe? I don't know, I haven't read a lot of the later Sherlock Holmes stories because they get weird people. He's like looking, he's trying to find some vampires maybe? Like something that could be a vampire? It's not really a vampire.

Anyway, it gets... The one, didn't Alan Moore write one where he's having sex with Dorothy from Oz or something? That makes sense. I don't know, I just, you know, I like to think that, you know, he found some piece towards the end of his life. You know, he learned how to integrate the emotions and the intellect. Oh, okay. Alan Moore?

Yeah. I like you think that Alan Moore. That's a piece. I hope Alan Moore does. He also started combing his beard. Took off a ring. I'm gonna say, so there's a couple of characters I've spent my life with at this point. One of them is Spider-Man, had his ups and downs,

but he is essentially perfect from the get-go, and you could read him that first kind of like 40-some-odd issues of that book or whatever. You can read as him growing up and maturing and everything since then is just cycle, cycle, cycle, cycle. So instead I'm gonna say Wolverine who when I started reading comics was still a berserker and I've seen him grow and mature to become an elder statesman in a way that feels very organic and real to that character where he's still fighting the darkness within but it's he's no longer the guy

who like just kills and Storm is like, whoa, Logan, how could you do such a thing? Instead, he's like, oh, I guess I gotta take care of these kids now, you know. Do it more Canadians. That is pretty adorable. Oh, I gotta take care of these kids, eh? You know, the best there is to what I do,

what I do, and very nice. Well, shotgun is moulson by, uh... Snicked? Yeah, Snicked, eh? Yeah, Snicked, eh? I mean, I can't follow that, I mean. Yeah, sure. I can talk about, like, this D&D character I played for a really long time.

You grew up with them? He grew in a lot of really cool ways and got levels and said, nah, it's fine. Aw, I don't think I'm bashful either. No, it's fine. It's cool. Don't worry. It's just easy. Thank you. Thanks very much. I don't think we're any danger of it, but I'm going to ask that no one join the line so we can allow everyone out in time to pee. If you're on the line, your question will be answered. If you're not on the line, take it to your grave. Amanda, I might have mildly misunderstood the prompt, because both of my observations are about the movie.

Sure, OK. That's fine. Please. Please bring us back to some sort of structure. You were surprised as the first person asked things that were completely unrelated to the show? Yeah. Not surprised, but just am uh, am I still welcome?

And obviously, yes. There'll be an exit interview. We'll talk to you about your expectations. So the first one is very short. No one said her name was Kat. No one asked her to be called Kat, but he starts calling her Kat and expects her to respond to it, which is red flag number one, if you ask me. You're saying he may not be a good boyfriend. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. That's true. Totally correct. But it's like he's murdering her identity by calling her a cat. Yeah, it's like, no, no, no, no, I chose her, and this is her new name. Number two, does anyone here take care of fish?

Because that fucking fish bowl, freshwater fish, saltwater fish, they're all dead. They no filter. No filter at all. Every fish in that bowl, because you did briefly mention the fish bowl, because the ring, blah, blah, blah, they broke to that fish bowl. So many shots of that fucking fish bowl. I guess that's technically a question. Yeah. What?

Who? We're solving a decades old crime against these fish. How have we fished fish? She didn't technically ask if anyone had fish. I think we've cracked the cold case of those dead fish. They were killed by the cast and crew of Cool As Ice. No, that does, I mean, that does suck. I mean, you're not wrong.

As someone who recently had to bury a crayfish, it's sad news, everybody. The crayfish I mentioned earlier on the podcast, died a natural death, has now buried in our yard with a tombstone. Then you climbed onto that grave and fucked this shit up. No. Oh, God.

Saltburn, saltburn. Saltburn. No, no, no. Saltburn, saltburn. Saltburn. Dan was hiding behind Dan. I'm just saying that. But no, it takes a lot of work to keep an aquatic creature alive.

Yeah, so, yeah. Please. If anyone has a Gilman at home. Hello. Savage first name of the held. I work in industrial embroidery, and that's when I listen to your podcast. So I'm around a lot of hats.

And this, keep talking. And this movie has a lot of hats in it, and that's all I wanna talk about. Can I get you guys' opinions on good messages to put on hats and wear? Good messages? Ooh, good messages to put on a hat. Wear me on hats.

By wear, wear on the hat? Or wear... Wear you on the hat. On the hat, on the hat. Yeah, yeah, not wear to wear the hat. Okay, that makes more sense. Like positive messages for the youth? Yes.

Yes. I mean, if you... I would like to put, like, a message on, like, pork by hats and trilbies. It's like, if you are a man below the age of 60, don't wear me, please. That's a lot of message. That's a lot of message. That is true.

Oh, my God. It will save so many lives. It's a conversation starter, I guess. I guess so. Uh, I think, there's a lot of negativity in the world, so I think I just want a cap that says good work that I can wear. Just people look at it.

They know I should show them. So you just want to be, what's his face, from 30 Rock? You doing a free later? Yeah, sure. Yeah. No, but his hats would be like number one champ. I want to tell other people they're doing great. I would love to shout out my brother, who is six feet tall,

and he made me make him a hat that says big man. Oh that's good. Love it. It's pretty cool. I think you can pull it off. Alternately on days when I'm feeling a little sassy the hat has nothing on the front but on the back it says my eyes are up front. That'll teach him. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Hey guys. Hello. So we know from watching CoolizEyes that the people that funded CoolizEyes...

We know this. We know this because we watched it. First principles. Because we watched it. But we know that they said script, competent editing, they're like, no, we got cool, we got, did I all ice? We got the Ice Man, Bobby Drake, but Ice Man from Top Gun? Well not that Ice Man, it's just... So these type of vanity projects, we, I think we used to see more in the past, but I was kind of wondering, is there a pop culture figure today that would

be oblivious enough to make cool business? Pitbull? Yeah, that's actually... Yeah, I think you got it in one. Mr. A Fuckin' Worldwide. Paces. Yeah. Now, what would the Mr. Worldwide movie be, though?

I mean, I assume he's saving an orphanage somewhere. There's probably a girl in a motorcycle involved. To be honest, you just put him in front of a green screen and start him into cool as ice. It's the same movie. Where is sunglass is the whole time. I do like Timber though, I gotta say. You had Cascio to the mix, I... Look, you can be a joke and make a catchy song, and you can be a joke and be a true artist. Just ask Marcel Duchamp,

artistic prankster. Thank you so much for baffling us. Yes? I want to first thank you for mentioning David Lynch, so much for battling us. Yes. I want to first thank you for mentioning David Lynch, because I could only watch this movie and think about how Phenyl Ice was some sort of deranged Dale Cooper in Twin Peaks.

But my question is, for me, the crossover event of the century as a Jeopardy fan was one, Ellie A. Kaelin was on Jeopardy. Oh, thank you. In the last couple of years. So I want to ask you. Yes, I got second place, thank. So I wanted to ask you... Yes, I got second place, thank you. I wanted to ask you guys, if you guys were competing the three of you on Jeopardy, what

would be your dream categories in order to defeat each other? I'd probably say check new wave movies. Hold on. Wait, wouldn't that be wild? Hold on. It's a buzzer game, Ellie. That's why I came in second place. It's a buzzer game, yeah.

Yeah, I guess I did. Well, then I guess I'll go second place. I'll go second place. Wouldn't that be wild? Hold on. What? But I... It's a buzzer game, Elliot. It's not... That's why it came in second place. It's a buzzer game, yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. Well, then I guess I'd say Warhammer. Yeah, that's... yeah.

Good fucking luck. What? I mean, what... Yeah, well, what next? JoJo's bizarre adventure characters? You're dead, dude. So, I think it might just be like unexpected filmographies, because no matter what movie it is, I'm like, well,

got to look at IMDb and be like, oh, I'm mildly interested in the fact that the same person did these two things. Like, it's weird. Like, I work, or I did at least, but I hope to again, I work in the entertainment industry. The idea is that... It's just somewhat...

The idea... Is it informational? That one person would do two different types of things shouldn't amaze me, because I'm like, that's how money is made. But like, I'm still like fascinated. I'm like, oh, oh, Ted Kochiff, you made a Waking Fried. He also made Weekend at Burnies. That's a double threat.

Not that different. I mean, you'd also do really well with a category called like, porn-bree or potent portables or. I'm sorry, sir. Yeah, that's. Yeah, the man's like, uh, Misty Monday movies. Porn-bree, Porn-bree. Thank you. All right, next question. Let's try to do these quick unfortunate. Yeah, yeah, uh, Misty Monday movies. Oh, great. Perfect. Great.

Thank you. All right. Next question. Let's try to do these quick, unfortunate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're running late and everyone needs their sleep. Yeah. Okay.

Quick question. If you could recommend a superhero for Portland, Oregon, what would it be? Ooh. Wait, are we creating a new one, whole cloth, or are we recommending an existing superhero? I was gonna say whichever one you want, but I wanted to be brief, because Elliot said to be brief. Uh-huh. A stern taskmaster.

Turn it back on him. I love it. Yeah. If it's a pre-existing hero, there's a Marvel character named D-Man. He is a former professional wrestler. He thinks he is Captain America's best friend. And Captain America tolerates him.

He's a very sweet man. I think he'd make a great hero for Portland. It's a smaller scale city. He's a smaller scale hero. The D stands for demolition, but it could stand for something Portland-related that starts with D. Not to play too much into my persona, but I am aware that Portland has a very high concentration of strip clubs per capita. And yet, yeah, and yet when I said you do well in the porn-free category, you took offense. Only because it suggests that I'm the only person on stage who might have sexual interests.

Anyway, I know that there's like a lot of strip clubs, more hipstery strip clubs, things like strip karaoke. Strip karaoke, I would have like sort of a banshee style superhero who like, who sings, who has the power of singing but only while stripping. Interesting. I don't know, Portland's a pretty cool city. You're gonna need a cool superhero. I'm gonna say what, Grifter, that guy with two guns and a mask.

Yeah, the Grifter of the Wildcats or yeah. I guess cool as, yeah. The mask that just flaps unattached to the bottom of his face. Kind of looks like a beard. Yeah. Thank you so much. Enjoy Portland's new super team of D-Man, Grifter, and the stripping songstress. They damn. So the 2013, the Big Wedding and the French language original to 2006, have any of you

seen both or either? If not, I have a backup question. What? The Big Wedding? I haven't seen it. 2006 is the Big Wedding. No. Sorry, 2013 is the Big Wedding.

2006 is Mont-Foyac-Merrier. No, I haven't seen them. Okay, backup question. Question B, please. Sorry, 2013 is the big wedding. 2006 is Mont-Fleurs-Merrier. No, I haven't seen them. OK, back up question. Question B, please. Most Portland movie not shot in Portland, most not Portland movie shot in Portland.

Did I say that right? Most Portland movie not shot in Portland, most not Portland movie shot in Portland. I'm going to choose one or the other. Thank you. What is? I just want to apologize that the last couple questions have assumed a lot of knowledge about Portland on my part

I've been here a couple times to great city. I really like being here here What do I know? I don't like know it's super what do I know about Portland? There's City of city of roses name of the rose. Is that Are there any medieval monasteries in Portland? There's Wait is pig in Portland or is that Seattle? Ah, there you go, yeah. I did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so glad you thought of one. I'm like, escape from Newport? Is that it? Yes, yes sir.

You have the last one. You get to close us out. No pressure. Okay, so you meet a cinephile genie. I love this. I do, finally. You can't do world peace or any of that lame stuff. You can get one movie made with any, no restrictions, no budget cast, what do you wish for? Oh, wow, uh, okay, uh, I don't know Guillermo del Toro's uh at the mountains of madness. Boom. I'm done I'm out. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. You did it Hmm. Hmm. Does it have to be a movie that was good? Well, there's nothing he's gone

Well, never. Oh, it's like Kaiser Soze. I mean the selfish thing would be like a movie that I I want to make but Yeah, yeah, yeah, I I a great screenplay. If anyone is interested... Yeah, I've got one too. And partway through. That's about this guy named Dan, and everybody thinks he's cool and funny. He's kind of cool, but like... He's super cool, and his lame-o friends are always making fun of him. But then he has to save them from an international drug cartel.

They're crying the whole time. I mean, honestly, the problem with this is like, I'm trying to think of like books or whatever. Like, I don't want to adapt them though, because like, like anything that I truly love, I'm like, well, it exists in the form that I love it in already. Like, I don't need to see it as a movie. I have already enjoyed it. That being said, let's see. I've, wait, the Hunger Games?

Yeah, do the Hunger Games. Have they done the Hunger Games? Yeah, have they done that? Is that a movie? There have been not great versions of this. I'd love to see a great adaptation of The Man Who Is Thursday by GK Chesterton, which is, it is a 100 year old book that is,

half the book is chase sequence. And every time they think they've caught the bad guy, the bad guy's like, I'm Den, which is, it is a 100 year old book that is half the book is chase sequence. And every time they think they've caught the bad guy, the bad guy's like, I'm not the bad guy, you gotta keep going. So it's a super fun book. You know what, I would write a Uncle Scrooge adventure. Like a true globetrotting, like in the mode of the 10, 10 movie that Spielberg made,

that would be a lot of fun. Live action, voiced by Chris Pratt. No? No. Wait, it's live action but it's voiced by Chris Pratt? Yeah, it is bodies by Chris Pratt. He's put a duck bill on Chris Pratt. I guess technically every Chris Pratt role is voiced by Chris Pratt. That's true. Can't argue with that. Hey everyone, thank you. Thank you so much. You're a great audience.

Thank you for being here. Thank you for being so kind to us. And patience. We will try to be out there for a while by the merch. We have to fly very early, so who knows how long a while is, but thank you so much for being here. For the Flap House, I've been Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kaylin. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you, Berlin. Thank you to the Aladdin Theater. Thank you! Thank you, thank you to the Aladdin Theater! Thank you! You know, wait, wait, wait, don't let Ellie get a microphone! Too late, too late. He's all jacked up on sugar. I had half a soda and I'm ready to do this show. Oh, wow, this is nice.

I was standing backstage thinking how objectively strange this is that people care to come see us do this thing. No, no, no, you gotta have a position of strength. Oh, okay, yeah. You're gonna love it. Oh, what a great crowd tonight. Thank you.

Worker, thank you. Thank you for coming. Tan, this crowd is so hot tonight. I don't think we have to do a show. They can just cheer for two straight hours. Maxime Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.