The Flop House - FH Mini 95 - The Best Christmas Podcast Ever

Episode Date: December 23, 2023

Elliott quizzes Dan on the nativity story, so they can modernize it into a hit blockbuster.Check out FLOP TV! You can buy tickets here!Get tickets for a stop on our January 2024 West Coast Tour.Ever tried Microdosing? Visit Microdose.com and use FLOP for 30% off + Free Shipping.Check out Squarespace.com/FLOP for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: FLOP to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hi, floppers. Before we start our regular nonsense, we wanted to make sure you do the flop house is going on a four-city west coast tour this January. It's the flop house Errors tour, the biggest event in pop culture entertainment this year, probably. You can see us in Vancouver on Wednesday, January 24th at the Aladdin Theatre in San Francisco on Friday, January 26th at Cobbs Comedy Club as part of San Francisco Sketchfest, and in Los Angeles on Sunday, January 28th at the Regent Theatre. For tickets, go to flopphousepodcast.com slash events. Again, that's flopphouspodcast.com slash events. The flopphouse live is like the podcast, but you can smell us. And now, without further ado, a regular nonsense.

[♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Flop House. The Flop House podcast. That is a podcast in which we normally watch a bad movie and then talk about it. But today, that's not what we're doing. This episode is an alternate week, so instead, we are doing a Flop House mini. That's where we can do doing. This episode, it's an alternate week. So instead, we are doing a flop house.

Many, that's where we can do kind of whatever we want. We're not fixed to one specific movie. We can talk about a topic. We can play a game. We can solve the world's problems. And I thought, I'd like to do a little thing. Where kids can be a kid. It is where kids can be a kid.

Adults can be adults. The elderly can be the elderly. I think that covers everything, right? Yeah, be yourself, man. Yeah, be yourself. Unless yourself is a dick, in which case, be a better person than yourself. Don't do that.

Yeah. So that's what this episode is all about, is who are you gonna be? Dan, we've got some problems, we're gonna help you make them better. Oh, okay, I'm doing. That's not what we're doing, although becoming a better person is in the spirit of the season.

That's right. This mini episode is coming out right before Christmas, also known as Xmas. And if you're a sexy triple Xmas, or if you're Vin Diesel, I guess, triple Xmas. So I think- Yeah, X versus Severness. Xmas versus Sever.

Xmas versus Sever, Miss. Xmas versus Sever. So since it's coming out right before Christmas, I thought who better than the only Jewish member of the podcast to take the reins of Santa's sleigh and run the show for the episode. Right. Growing up as a Jewish kid,

the only way I learned about Christmas was through the movies and TV specials. The movies. And also regular Christmas episodes of shows and the decorations and stores, and also the decorations on public city property. And also every song playing on the radio all the time. And also the songs they made us sing in school, again, public schools, funded by us.

Yeah. Basically, there was no escaping Christmas. But for the purpose of this episode, let's stick to the idea that movies are what taught me about Christmas. Guys, here's the purpose of this episode, let's stick to the idea that movies are what taught me about Christmas. Guys, here's the thing about Christmas movies. Tell me what, tell me what's, what are the things that you would find in a normal Christmas movie? What comes to mind when I say Christmas movie to you?

Well, you got to have, you got to have a knock at homey plaza in a John McLean. You got to, you got to have, you got to have Shane black behind the camera. What comes to mind is like, I mean, like there's all the normal trappings of Christmas, you know, you get Christmas trees and Santa and whatnot. So there's that. That's when Admiral Akbar says, it's a trap, things of Christmas. Yeah. I mean, thematically, what's in Christmas?

I mean, usually it's, you know, someone learns a lesson about something. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not learning to learn to learn something. I'll tell you what they don't learn a lesson about though, unless they're watching, I guess that Charlie Brown Christmas special is, they don't tell you much about Christmas. They don't tell you much about your actually celebrating Christmas. They tell you what Christmas is. Time is all about Charlie Brown.

They tell you, like, there's a whole point, there's a part where someone where that gets to the spotlight doesn't exactly that. In that one thing. I'm saying that one thing, but in most Christmas movies, there's a whole point. There's a part where someone, where that gets to the spotlight. Doesn't exactly that. In that one thing, and that one thing, but in most Christmas movies, they do not do that. Yeah. There's kind of two kinds of Christmas movies. The family get together where there's mishaps of some kind.

Yeah. Christmas stories, jingles all the way. Christmas with the cramps. Or the cranks. The cranks. The cranks. I don't know. Christmas with the cranks.

For Christmas, I assume. I've never seen it. Maybe at least two of those four Christmas' eyes. Or just the Christmas movies where there's come down, some kind of supernatural force that teaches someone who's in. The Santa Claus, the family man. I assume L, if I've never seen it. Miracle on 34th Street.

Yeah, Miracle on the West. Grandlands. Yeah, exactly. Grandlands. There's also, now, that there is a third kind, the Hallmark Christmas movie, but that's its own thing. I don't want to get into that. That's like, Hallmark is like Monster Island or North Korea.

It's like a closed system cut off from the rest of the world that follows its own rules. And I don't want it. So here's the thing. And you'd be silly to try and claim that you are some kind of expert on Hallmark Christmas movies. There are plenty of other people who are better at that. That I know personally. There's at least one that I know personally that I'm friends with. And so if you have any questions about how are Christmas movies, please direct

them to a lot of Dural Day. Don't ask me because I won't know the answer. Yeah, just send them out a letter with all your questions. So I was in the service. I dressed to the North Pole. Where a lot of lives. We live all year round. It seems like Christmas movies are about, like these are the things you learn for Christmas movies. It's important to be with your family, right? It's better be a good person than a rich person

that shows up in Christmas movies, that Santa is magic, that Christmas is some kind of universal force that all people of all religions are boyd by this time of year. It's a general, jeer, and pure. Don't kill yourself. Your life was life had meaning. Yes.

That's the message. That tells you your life has meaning, and also that suicide rates go up around the holidays. That's something that Chris movie sell us. But they're not really about Christmas, right? By these standards, the greatest Christmas movie of all time is probably Groundhog Day, which teaches you those same lessons, but without all the Christmas crap, getting

you right, without like a Santa. Okay. I mean, there's a Groundhog Day. So you want to put the Christ back in Christmas, what you're saying, LA, you're. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. It's time to put, I don't want to make, it's not Christmas, it should be Moss Christ. We need Moss Christ in these movies.

I know the story. I know the story. So can you guys tell me, I might be wrong. So Christmas is essentially like a worldwide gender reveal party, right? Or is that, am I wrong? What's the, tell me the Christmas story. What's the next story of Christmas for? I mean, I guess, yeah, I guess the, I mean, yeah, I guess she gets the vision right. She's like told she's going to have a son.

So that kind of is like a gender reveal. Like, I mean, we're celebrating the birthday, you know? Yeah. So what's out, who's getting born? Tell me about it. Yeah. Oh, you know, my man, Jay, he said, oh, yeah. Jim Carrey.

A lot of wild ideas. Jim Carrey, long hair and wild ID. Yeah. Jim Carrey. A lot of wild ideas. Jim Carrey, long hair and wild ideas. Yeah. They'll say if the Lord unto the shepherds, somebody stop with me. Moke. There's a dad, Joseph. There's a mother, Mary.

I mean, dad is the adoptive father. Of course, God is the father father. This is not the clearest story telling about the Christmas story. Oh, we're gonna pretend like people don't know what the Christmas story is. Let's not worry about it. We'll just go on to the bit. Okay, forget about it.

Let's go for it. I thought Christmas movies don't really tell you the Christmas story. So for people who need to know it, even the movie called a Christmas story, it's not the Christmas story, it's just a Christmas story. And so I thought, let's make a Christmas movie that actually tells the story of the Nativity.

It's got to hit all the tropes of a classic Christmas movie where as many as we can shove in, but we're going to tell that story. So first. Okay. And this whole episode's TM the Flop-Ass. It gets very much so. Yeah. So all episodes TM the Flop-Ass also.

Yeah, it's all so. Don't steal the flops. I just realized that we recorded the episode that's getting air after this before we recorded this one. And that one was the one that explained that I'm hopped up on cold meds. So if you're wondering what what's going on, that's part of it. Dan is a is on cold meds. It's a preview for next week. Yeah. And that's why he is making less sense and having trouble remembering what we're talking about and this is the thing. Hey, I see what you're doing.

Normally his mind is like a steel trap that breaks all the time. It's kind of a rubbery trap, which in a way is kind of nice because it doesn't break. Like the bamboo bins, you know, where's the oak tree snaps? Hell yeah, dude. This is the time of time talking. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. This is, we. This is the time of talk and that's for talking. This is a, we're getting some robotus in talking right now. Yeah.

Yeah. Please, please see if we explain your ways. So, so the first thing we need for Christmas movie is I figure we need a stressed out adult who needs the dose of Christmas cheer. And he's the only lesson. And I wanted to pitch to you guys, what if the Virgin Mary, she is a hard drivedriving career woman. She has no time for her family. She has not even had time to have sex with her husband. She is married and still a virgin. She's so busy with her job. She doesn't have time for this. What is her job? What do you think her job would be? Again, this is biblical times. So maybe she runs an art gallery, but it's a biblical art gallery. Yeah, and I think she works for a magazine.

Okay, that sounds great. Or she's like an upbook editor or something. Wait, are we just writing baby booms? What's happening right now? Let's Christmas, Dan. Let's Christmas baby booms. Baby boom is the best version of the Christmas story I've seen, right? Like it's a woman who gets a baby dropped on her.

She doesn't know how it happened. The baby has healing powers and outwits the Pharisees and the rabbis at the temple. That happens to baby boom, right? All I remember about baby boom is it starts out about as a comedy about this woman who like this hard driving career woman who gets a baby she, you know, we're heading bargain for. And then like halfway through the movie, it seems to forget that's what the movie is about and just sort of turns into like this, I think, like half romance, half office intrigue movie. And it's like, wait, wasn't this about you

getting a baby? Well, that's kind of like how we recently did a live show. I called it back there. His name. Sorry, he's going. There's a, we recently did a live show about three men and a baby. And that's a similar movie where they get a baby. And then the movie is like, we're not interested in this anymore.

What if they're involved in drugs? What if they're drugs? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers?

What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? What if they're drug swimmers? Anyway, back to the movie, sorry. Okay, so Mary, she's a book editor. She edits scrolls or tablets, you know, whatever they're, whatever kind of books they have at the time. Is this a period piece? It is very much a period piece. Yes.

So what the 70s are? Yeah, like 70 AD. I mean, Jesus would be an old dead man by that point. Sure. So it's a period point piece that takes place in the year zero. Okay. So she's a job. She's a hard driving book editor.

She doesn't have time for a family, even for her own family. Credit sequence, we need a sort of jazzy Christmas theme song to start the movie off right. What does this song sound like? It's got to be jazzy, but it's about Christmas. It's DJ jazzy Jeff. Okay. We're going to press friends. We're going to be right though.

Maybe a little, little, little, little, little, little Christmas. Okay. Maybe a little little little little little bit of Christmas. Okay, and get it, spit us some rhymes. Well, I'm not going to, because no one will, I will anger the world if I did that, but it should be like, you should be like the fresh Prince theme. Like they just, they should explain the biblical story. Oh, yeah. And then you see what you're going to see. You know, you tell going to see the world

that flipped her upside down. Yeah. So God, by the coming of the living Christ, it got flipped by God. He gave to earth is only begotten son. You said, I better find a woman to give birth to someone. Anyway, Okay.

I was. I don't know. I was not. He doesn't know who this person is. Well, you have to assume God had to find the person first, you know. No, he said, you get birth to someone. Oh, yes. How it came. It was specifically specifically my son. And then he's

like, ah, shitty buddy. No, it doesn't matter. He's a Lucy Goosey kind of cool. Yeah. He's a role with the punches. Yeah. He's always popping out. It's okay. This is the Christian Bible. He's a Lucy Goosey kind of cool guy. He's so cool with the punches. He's popping out. It's okay. This is the Christian Bible. He's a loving God. He's like, it's cool chill.

We're all, no worries, as opposed to my God, who's like, did you do one thing you weren't supposed to? I'm flooding the world. Everyone is dead now. You have to clean up all this animal poop in a boat. Yeah. What a, what a diva. Yeah, they talk about it. Yeah, real diva. So anyway, so there's some kind of, so we, boat. Yeah. What a, what a diva. Yeah, they talk about it.

Yeah, real diva. So anyway, so there's some kind of, so we've got the song. That's great. She's like, my life is perfect. I've got everything I needed. I don't need to worry about it. She's from the big city, which is what like Bethlehem. Bethlehem, you know, yeah, you're right.

Yeah. I mean, it was kind of a backwater city, I guess, but, you know, Jerusalem's the big city. Maybe that's it. She's in Jerusalem. She's got to go back to Bethlehem to visit her family. And that's, that's one of the things. She's like, oh, I'm dreading seeing my family for the holidays, which in this case would be Hanukkah. There's no Christianity yet. And she, she, yeah. She's like, oh, I got to go back to my, my, and you know what? Maybe she's not married yet. Maybe Joseph is like her old crush who still lives in Bethlehem. He's a carpentry. He's a carpentry. See, that's the thing. Yeah.

He's a carpentry. See, that's the thing. Yeah. He's a carpentry. See, that's the thing. Yeah. He's got a little stubble. Yeah. For sure. A lot of stubble. Not a lot of, you know, working razors. No, I don't know how they shaved with like a seashell or something. I don't know how they would have done it. Yeah. They used it like the birds and that would, they would, yeah, they'd just tug on a fucking dinosaur's tail and it might start to be heard, like scissors and the beaks.

That'll be it to living, you know. So they, so she's, she's got it, so she's a book editor in Jerusalem. She's editing, you know, the, wow, the Tomlits not written yet. I guess she's editing with the Dead Sea Scrolls or something. And she's like, oh, I got a back, go back home for Hanukkah to Bethlehem. This is going to be a nightmare. Then we get the, the Jazzy song. She shows up. And then there's going to be some kind of vaguely supernatural force that gets involved in her life and throws things upside down. Now, would this be, is there like a magic wishing star? I know there's some kind of magic star later in the story.

Is it a pre-Jesus Santa? Is it, I mean, in the original story, it's an angel you were saying or something, right? Who tells her, she's that? Yeah, the angel visits her and tells her she's going to give birth to a son. And now there's an angel. So is it one of those like crazy angels?

It's like all legs and eyes and wings. I felt there's two ways we can go. It can either be the real people of the angel, where it's all, we can go, we're okay, three ways, we're gonna be crazy angel. Tells her in the through some street magic that, that, or it's, her angel is like the gay best friend. This is like the like Billy Porter character in the, in the, in the movie, you know, it's like a real sassy attitude angel.

That would be classic, yeah. Yeah. That would be classically problematic. So, or maybe we split the difference, it is a, it's this bizarre creature of wings and eyes and fire that can do magic. Like, Chris Angel, but sassy, exactly. Like, hey girl, you got some trouble coming up and she's like, yeah, yeah. And so what an angel tells her what you're gonna you're gonna bear the son of God or something?

Yeah, what? Geez Louise, I feel like it's not like this is into story that I heard. Parents are gonna be here. Your parents, your dad is a minister of some kind. He said he was a minister then a professor of theology. The thing is like, I know the broad outlines of the story very well, but when we get into specifics, then I start worrying that I'm gonna say something wrong

is the problem. It's okay, I mean, this is again, this is a movie we're adapting the story, and it could be loose. It doesn't have to be close to it. Again, the movie is made a version of the Scarlet Letter with that had a happy ending, where they escape an attack by a native tribe and they live happily ever after, which is

very different than the original one. So don't feel like we need to be close to a drone. We just want to give people the more. So what she do, just like sit on a toilet seat or something and get pretty close. This four gospels, right? Yeah, God used the toilet before. Part of the issue is there's four gospels. I think only three of them have the birth story. And you know, there's accounts vary, you know?

Okay. Three witnesses, they tell different stories about what happened. I mean, they didn't actually witness this pass down by that point, but anyway. I think one of the gospels is more contemporaneous, but for the most part, it's just like three tellings. It's like a Rashaman. We'll turn it into a Rashaman.

We'll make it a Rashaman. Yeah. I would say the cool thing is that, Dan, you could just tell us whatever and we'd be like, oh, wow, really? Okay, cool. I mean, I don't know. I didn't learn this stuff when I was a kid.

So, okay, this is a different idea. It's not gonna be the one we do more of. We call it a Rashamas. And the three different gospel writers are arguing with each other over how things happened. And there's no answers. We don't know for sure. Yeah.

Or maybe I don't know, maybe there's four. I know that like in some they've got the kings, others, no kings. You know? You have become a one man, Rashman. I cannot tell what I should take on faith from you and what. You know what? I often think of myself as one man, Rashman. I miss three.

I miss three. Even to myself. I'm not even myself. Even to myself. I'm like some days I act like this, but some days I act like this and they don't seem to be the same person. What's going on? So Dan mild manner Dan McCoy comedy writer by day, but I become rush a man. He's a poor to confuse people with conflicting tellings of the same story. Rashaman you defeated the straw man. This is a character will show up in the other of the same story. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah just of clue that all the endings.

So okay. So maybe I wasn't or maybe I slept on a choose your own adventure book. There's so many different ways it could have happened. So how does it turn? So this angel, the sassy angel tells Mary, you're going to bear the the son of God's kid girl. And she's like, oh no, how is this going to turn her life upside down? Does she have a big project coming up? Is she up for a promotion? Yes, she's up for a promotion, right? Dan? Yeah, promotion to head scroll writer. I mean, like, she's asked to go to what, Judea?

Wait, no, no, they have to go to from Judea to Bethlehem for the census. She's in Bethlehem. She went there. We talked about that. She went to this year family, yeah. But that's where the birth goes. Okay, anyway. Yeah, exactly. Okay, well, somehow, somehow we've managed to make it that she ends up in the place where the story has to happen. Okay, I thought you were looking for an upheaval that would necessitate this move, but you're saying that the moves already happened. The moves already happened, she's gone to her hometown. She ran into Joseph Rolde, who's a old crush, who's a hot carpenter.

Maybe there's an old friend of hers who's like, Mary, you know, you changed a lot since he went to the big city. And she's like, oh, yeah, I don't have time for this. I'm too busy. I know time is I'm supposed to be proofreading these Dead Sea Scrolls so we can get them into the markets. Like a famous, a famous rabbi has a book that I need to get, I need to get from my next project. Yeah, I'm trying to be promoted to, to, to judge, because they had judges back then. I can't, they wrote a whole book about it. Yeah. And they wrote a book about kings too. They did write a book about kings also. So first, she has to deny the call, right? What Joseph Campbell would call the rejection of the call, but that's going to make things

worse. So, how does saying, no, I'm not going to give birth to the Son of God. How does that complicate her life? Is she already showing signs of pregnancy all while the Santa Claus? Yeah, see, that's what I was imagining, a wacky montage where she's trying to push her stomach back in. Just like to take a nap. No, and then her pops back up with like, to take a kind of, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Like a fun version of it. A funny version of it. Well, it's pretty funny. He is. No. I mean, like the Santa Claus transformation scenes, you know, you know, like where he tries to shave and his beard comes back.

She's like denying her pregnancy. She's trying to force herself to like, she's like, it's trying to squeeze a period out to show that she's not really pregnant. Wow. Squeeze up, period out. And how he's not even here to give you cover. No, that's true. Yeah, she's like carrying a bunch of prawns.

That's gonna say, palm prawns in front of her stomach. Yeah, it's like, it comes to, it's like, she's got a show of eggs in front. Prawn in front of her stomach. She got one of those biblical sized prawns. Maybe it's leftover from a plague or something. Maybe Leviathan or had babies and their big prongs. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It turns into the host. And also, she's trying to rekindle love with Joseph, right? And she's like, I can't have him see that I'm pregnant, right? So that's why she's doing that. Okay, this is coming along great. This is really coming along great. I think this movie is going to be a huge hit.

But let's take a break for some ads. We'll get back to this film. We'll figure out how to wrap this story up. Let's do some ads right now. Let's do it. Hey, where are those ads? Here they are in my email. This problem, this problem.

Gosh, cut some of that. Please. You don't want Alex to cut out your Emily Quilletable. Displodible. We're done. It could be funny. Who knows?

You should best judgment. But the flop has just sponsored in part by Lumi Labs. Our show today is sponsored by microdose gummies. Almost as good as allergy medicine. Microdose gummies deliver perfect perfect entry level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good.

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to learn more about microdosing THC. Go to microdose.com and use code flop. That's FLOP to get free shipping and 30% off your first order. Links can be found in the show description, but again, that is microdose.com code flop. Today's podcast is also sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one platform

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hit movie that we're talking about. Saturday, January 26th, we've got the final episode of this season of flop TV, flop TV, the one hour TV version of the flop house airing live on your computer screen or recorded afterwards. If you can't make it, that Saturday, January 6th at 9 p.m. Eastern 6 p.m. Pacific, we'll be talking about the second worst movie I've ever seen. Nukie, have you guys seen Nookie before? I have never seen Nookie before. I've never seen Nookie. I downloaded it and had to skim through it for something involving, that's involved with my presentation for this episode.

And I was like, ooh, even skimming through it, I can tell this is going to be a rough one. Yep, yep, so hopefully I haven't, I've built it up too much. And then Dan will be like, actually, I liked it. It made me cry a couple times. Technically, I think you guys are too hard on movies. We'll be talking about that one. Let's see if the boys, by which it means stew and Dan can get through it. That's Saturday, January 6th. If you can't make us on the day, can make it on the day

of the live show, then don't worry. Your ticket gets you access to the recording of the show. And if you have a season pass, you have access to all the recordings of all six episodes through the end of January. That's where we're going to take those episodes down. And the reaction has been so good that I think we'll do another season, but we're going to take some time off before we do that. We're going to wait to maybe towards the fall. We'll do another one.

But thank you so much for your support, everybody. We hope you've been enjoying it. But let's say seeing us on TV on your computer isn't enough. You want to see us in the flesh, just like the blondeie saw in the same name. Well, good luck to you. You're in luck if you live in one of four cities on the West Coast. We're going on tour. That's right. At the end of January, it's the errors tour. Go to flop house podcast.com slash events and maybe you heard about it at the top of this episode. But real quick, January 24th will be in Vancouver, talking about Cobra. January 25th will be in Portland, talking about Kula's Ice.

January 26th will be in San Francisco, talking about Gili. And January 28th will be in Los Angeles, talking about Spawn. It became increasingly inappropriate for me to use that voice for each of the each of the titles. But it's going to be really fun. It's four four shows in almost four nights. So we get tired and loopy and these are movies we've never talked about before in this, you know, we've mentioned them before on the podcast, but we've never done that. Yeah, I mean, like we think I'm talking about co-bro when we're just hanging out. Yeah, we do because it's for cancer disease and he's the cure. Unfortunately, the movie where he cuts up a slice of pizza with scissors. It is indeed the movie where you cut some of us slice of pizza with scissors. Was he like auditioning for a fucking job at DeFara?

Yeah, or a Korean barbecue place. They cut things with their two. Yeah, that's true. And so that's going to go to flopphousepodcast.com slash events. When the, when this episode comes out, they'll be, you know, like a month until these shows. And so get your tickets. They're going fast. Yeah. It's going to be really fun. We're looking forward to being on the road again.

And we're sorry Seattle. Look, we've been there before. We'll be there again. I know that I hear you out there. There's, you know, only so much of us to go around. Yeah. I can't wait to taste another bite of your delicious slew. You're delicious. Yeah. slew. Yeah. It's a famous race horse. Anyway, one's a famous resource. Anyway, one last thing I want to mention is this episode will be coming out a little bit forward to the last issue of my comic series, Disney Villains Hades from Dynamite Comics. Issue number five, the final issue comes out right after Christmas. Please pick it up and get the rest of the series if you haven't seen it yet.

It's a mythological comedy, heist story, starring Hades from the Disney Hercules movies. He gets together a bunch of mythological characters to steal the Golden Flies. It's super fun. I think you'll enjoy it. Please pick it up at your local comic book store. Last week, the greatest generation, the comedy podcast about old Star Trek TV shows, like Star Trek the Next Generation, Teach Space Nine, and Voyager,

just had its 500th episode. And Greatest Trek, the podcast about the new Star Trek shows like Strange New World's Lower Decks and Discovery, just had its 250th episode. So whether you have a task that's roughly 750 hours long, or you want to learn about some of the production techniques that go into making one of the greatest franchises in television history,

you should give us a try either way. The greatest generation and greatest track, the best reviewed, most listened to Star Trek podcasts in the world, they're on maximum fun. Camera in Esposito here, comedian and host of Query. Every week I get to interview someone amazing from the LGBTQIA plus community. Some Queeros. I chat with them about their lives, loves, careers, and more. I've talked to, you know, giants, loves, tricks, hematology, and weight,

Tegan and Sarah Quinn, but also astronauts, reverends, nurses. It's funny, it gets deep, and hopefully it makes you feel like you're part of something. Join me every Monday on Maximum Bunn to listen to Query with Cameron Esposito. But now, it's back to making the Christmas classic that I realize we don't even have a title for it. Should we take a break and think of a title for this Christmas movie that tells the story of Christmas in a Christmas movie way? Sure. It's called the greatest birthday ever told.

I'll keep this pretty good. That's that's that's that meet meet meet that defeats mine, which was not your granddad's nativity. but also you should call it Santa baby, but that should be a movie about a baby Santa Claus Not a baby Jesus. It's true. It's probably the third boss baby. Yeah Honestly, I'm amazed that that's not in development right now I'm amazed that you didn't just say that and so your phone rang because someone Since that you had said those words out loud and one of the money. Yeah, your agents, your agents like dream works called the need to immediately.

They said it's a four alarm emergency. They need you right now to write a movie about a baby Santa Claus. And I'm like, all right, I'll do it. I guess I need that health insurance. And the health insurance that too, except it's an animated movie. So it's probably going to be animation guilt instead of writer's guilt, doesn't paint or our health insurance and our residuals. Oh, terrible.

Okay. Anyway, so we're going to need, okay. So now things are not going great for the Virgin Mary, right? She can't get together with her with her crush. Her pregnancy, she can't get back to Jerusalem because she can't travel. Joseph. can't get back to Jerusalem because. And the thing is, she can't travel. Joseph, Joseph wants to be a dad, but he's having trouble. He's shooting blinks, okay? He can't, due to a carpentry accident, he got, nail, he got spikes through his balls

or something, and he cannot conceive. So he really wants to have a kid, but he is nervous about bringing that up around Mary, because he's interested in there. Exactly. So she doesn't know that she's the solution to his problems. She thinks that he's going to shy away when he finds out that she's pregnant, but she doesn't realize that that's exactly what he wants. That's a much sweeter direction that you can win in, that like, this is like that they

don't know that they can solve each other's problems. I thought that because he was impotent, he was all the more like distressed by the idea of being cucked by God. But I like your way of going. Dan, honestly, there's no shame in being beaten by the best. If you're going to be cut by anybody, let it be a big man, God himself. Yeah, it's not going to be God or Yodors. What is that? The classics. Yeah, there's no shame to that. I mean, come on. It's got you to Jabberjah. I mean, it's all this guy said if you get to watch, then it's like the bottom of it, you know, the rush more of alpha male. There's one spot left who's

going to take them. Yeah, it's open. Yeah, it's open. Somebody can take it. The noine, I don't know. No, no, no. He's not there yet. No, he's not. He's still got to work on it. So yeah, he's not worried about it. I was cucked by God is a great title for his memoir also. Is it, am I the asshole post about?

He's like, I don't know if I can stay with this girl. All right. So the, and it's the kind of thing that to be honest, we don't have to do it very much, but in ancient Greece, husbands had to deal with that stuff all the time. Their wives would come home pregnant and they'd be like, oh, well, Zeus came to me in the form of a shower of gold. And the next thing I knew I was pregnant, you know, Zeus came to me in the form of a swan and attacked me, oh, boy, they had to deal with it all the time. They were coming.

Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like public opinion is really turned on Zeus these days. Yeah, Zeus is not. It's not. He's got a lot of love for him. He's got a lot of love. No, don't even know. People are like, look, Zeus is a bad man. No, no, Zeus is a criminal. Zeus isn't. Yeah, you know, anyway, I'm glad that he's been canceled and that his, although his spot, his, of course, his serious XM radio show is still enormous. It's always do by hundreds of millions of people. Yeah. Uh, but he feels like he's been canceled.

Okay. So things are now, we're going to need a set, a montage set to a sad Christmas song here. Joe, Joe Rogan would have loved Zeus. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He would also because Zeus is always lying about his height, telling people he was five foot eight when he's really much shorter than you would have a fucking bar stool sports show so fast.

Yeah, terrible. You're right, he would. So the, called like lightning bro or something like that. So Dan, what's this sad montage song sound like? It's about, you know, Mary kind of looking at a windows longingly, Joseph hammering something and then stopping to look up and think, like, what's this song sound like? What, see, like, you know, I mean, obviously the classic, I mean, there's a lot of classic sad Christmas songs. Christmas is a melancholy time, you know.

Yeah. After something very little Christmas, that's a sad Christmas song. Christmas time is here from. Yep, that's a sad one. Seems a little inappropriate to this situation. But yeah, so the one that's when I was, what if it was like you would find in a trailer like a slowed down eerie version of something where it's just like, yeah.

The most wonderful time. That's the one where Santa Claus is a San Clause. We're called the Santa Clause CLAWS. And it's like Freddie, but he's Santa Claus. Yeah, I think that that movie's coming out. Oh, is it? Okay.

Is it something like that? You guys, you want to make a Santa Clause movie? Either he's a killer or he's a cute cat. What if it's the cute kitty cat? Who kills? That's a great idea. And then it says Mary Katzmiss at the end, you know, and they kill still, yeah. Yeah, I would love to, if it just like kept going back and forth between the premises

in the trailer, you know, I can't tell the tone of this thing at all. It's almost being charmed or horrified. Yes, it's an adorable for the whole family story. Or am I supposed to be, you know, it's supposed to be taboo, you know? Yeah, this is the dueling banjos of making a trailer. The backstory was the two producers of the film had very different ideas about what the movie should be. So they decided to split it down the middle. They would have alternate parties working on the trailer.

They would create the trailer exquisite corp style not having seen what came before Anyway, it made fourteen dollars in theaters and sorry go on step-to-screep screaming Man, that's what shudder should be called screaming anyway Dan save it for your tight five minutes about streaming platforms. You're taking a let a guy name Max into my house. I heard he was a hobo. Oh, HBO never mind. So, uh, love it.

Now that now this is what I wish the many was about. Was us doing our same routines, up the names of streaming services. So wait a minute this so HBO Max just became Max did showtime do the same thing no it's paramount plus presents show time what's up with that So something big has to happen that forces her to realize she's got to do this thing right like something and I do is it like she and Joseph have to go on the run or something like that? What, does the supernatural thing start to get undone and that causes problems?

Like, what do you think is, what do you think is gonna happen? I mean, if this was the real Bible, then if she denied it, then plagues would take place. She'd be swallowed by a Jewish case or something. I mean, it was kind of... It was kind of... This was presented to her sort of a feda-compleesh.

She was like, you're gonna have to have this good. A feda-compleesh, that you're gonna, they're gonna have this. That's when it's made out of Greek cheese. Oh, delicious. Now, I shouldn't, I mean, shouldn't it just be that they're having trouble finding a place to stay? Yes, that's right. You know what, she goes, they're at the Big Hanukkah party, she goes into labor.

She doesn't want to go into labor in front of her family. She's been, and she has to give a big speech. I've been lying to everybody. I'm sorry, I lied to you and she and Joseph, if I call help you, I'll help you get away. Hide in the manger. They have to hide in the manger because she's so embarrassed and find a place to stay. That's a great idea. That's and that's the story, right? She's got to find a place to get birth and they end up in a manger. The hotel is full because of the Hanukkah travel

season. And so for the three kings, it's biblical times. It's not that big a hotel. They're the only rooms. Can we get three of the original kings of comedy to be the three kings? I don't know. What you want alive. Well, I mean, it wasn't like, like, Barry Mac was one, right? He said, said, Rick's one of them, right? Okay. Was Steve Harvey in that? Only one way to find out.

We'll get the original. And we're talking about the original kings, not the new kings of comedy. Yeah, not the new kings of comedy, which we hear that Matt cough winner of funniest comic in New York. You're not. It's funny. It's not your, yeah, you're a new king. When did he win that?

I didn't hear about this. It was a big deal. You know, he's a, he's doing sets at the seller now. He's really taking off of the stand up. This is Matt Koff. I mean, does it surprise me? He's a flary Islamic. He's been, he's been on the guest way back towards the ring.

Hello, fellow cocaine friend of Josh Gondelman's, right? He started the cocaine bit and then it got assigned to Josh somehow. And even though I think this is nothing but a pox on Josh's life, I think Matt is a little like dismay that it got taken from him. Yeah, it needs to be his thing. Anyway, what, who named him that? Named him what?

Oh, the 15 New York 20th standard presented by, at the New York comedy festival. Oh, I see. Oh, the 15th New York's 20th standard presented by, uh, at the New York comedy festival. Oh, I see. Oh, that's great. Okay. We got Steve Harvey deal, he ugly, sedicated the entertaining, entertainer and Bernie Mac. Okay. So it's Steve Harvey deal, he ugly and sedicated the entertainer. Yeah. We have them. Three of them are still with us. Yes. Yes. God willing. When we make this move. Yeah. So long. They got some fucking ton teen or some shit. No, no, it would be ghoulish of me to say, Dan, which one do you think is going to go first? I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't,

I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, And so the shepherd show up because an angel comes to them and tells them, hey, go see this kid, he's the son of God. You're never going to believe this. You're not going to believe what this kid can do.

Click here. There's a virgin kid for a kid and you're not going to believe what happened next. What he does next, yeah. Um, no, but the kings, I think that they just were learned men. So like they were studying star charts. They're like, oh, the stars say that there's going to be a Messiah here. Basically, I think. Sorry, I'm just thinking of this clickbait headlock.

I saw the day that yeah, laying on it. Meat Larry birds disgusting. Why? There was meat Larry birds disgusting. Why? That's why. That's why. I mean, what is she ever doing?

It's, I mean, see. Unless he's married to Eva Braun, I mean, I mean, I'm unless he's married to Eva Braun, like, I don't know who deserves that, you know, it's terrible. It's a horrible highlight. And then what happened when you clicked on it? It's right. Yeah, I don't want to tell you, but let me just say I was shocked.

Yeah. Well, if I tell you, then you won't click yourself, but I got to respect the game. Yeah. Yeah. You didn't believe me. If I tell you, then you won't click yourself. And I got to respect the game. Yeah. He needs to bait you. You can't give it away. This is like the ring. They hate you.

They hate you. It's like the ring of clickbait. Stuart has to get you to click. No. Or else he's going to die. I don't know if I have to hurry for it. I don't click on this thing and get somebody else to click on it. Okay.

So she gives birth to the baby. The three kings are there yucking it up. They're like, you're a virgin. What? They're telling jokes about that. And is this when Joseph and Mary kind of reveal to each other? She reveals, she loves him and he reveals that he still loves her and he's always wanted a child, but he can't have one. Is this where they kind of talk that out?

Yeah, I mean, I think that they have to have this, you know, before the miracle happens, Joseph has to realize, you know, maybe he runs to the manger from, you know, from somewhere. Oh, so this is a classic run to the airport? Yeah, one of the airports. I mean, he took her to the manger. She went off the manger and he's got to find her. So he's running around checking majors to see it. And, and maybe there's a trail of animals that's following after him. He's picking up checking things.

High way to the manger zone on the soundtrack. And while she's in labor, she's like, I can't have this baby because we can't be together because you don't have a child. And he's like, what? But I do want to have a child, like that kind of thing, right? Exactly, exactly. They realize it's all big misunderstanding. Maybe they kiss as the baby Jesus looks at them and goes, uh oh, or like, Oh, yeah, it gives a little wink or something.

Yeah, it gives. And they're like, we tried, bitch. Yeah. There was no room. They, so, and I think, and that's a sweet, I think that wink from, a swing to the camera from the baby Jesus. It's a super sweet way to end the movie. I don't think you need a bigger climax than that. What song?

Now, there's going to be an end song over the credits. Here's the question I think. Here's the Rubicon we have to cross. Is baby genius? Is baby Jesus going to wrap this song? Are we going to have Baby Jesus gonna rap this song? Are we gonna have Baby Jesus rapping during this song? I think it should be like when we watched that looking stocking movie, at the end, Jordy came out and sang that Christmas song. It's Christmas, say, Noelle,

like while marching around in that Jody way of his. Yeah, got about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Clips of Kirstie Alley and John Travolta edited it in. Yeah. And so you say it's something like that. So there's a song performed by a child performer about Christmas. And it's like the Euro Dance remix because you want this move to have global appeal. Yes, okay. I mean, it's got to be upbeat. It's got to be upbeat.

Lots of energy, joyous, you know. And so I think that all fits. This Eurobeat dance remix of a child performer singing a song about Christmas and Jesus. And do we have like, then do we have like a montage of snapshots of their life as Jesus grows up, ending with him on the cross-winking one last time? It was that too far. We don't have to find it that this baby was born only to die as we all are. Yeah. And that says Jesus will return. Yeah.

There you go. So we see, you know, we see, as we see cute things. He's changing his sippy cup water into wine. He's raising a dead pet that kind of, his fish died. And instead of flushing it down the toilet, he brings it back to life. And this is, yeah, Jesus will return in the passion of the price. And the resurrection.

And, oh yeah, so I forgot, did we name this? The passion happened before he died, Elliot. Come on, come on. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's one thing, he'll return in. It's after that. I thought we're saying my return is the return anyway. Oh, oh, so that's at the end of the

Fashion of Christ. I just say Jesus will return in the Residues. They'll say, wow, that's a tight turn around between movies. I feel like you're going to be cannibalizing off your own box office. Well, we shoot them at the same time as the

thing. The future movies. Yeah, you shoot them back. I apologize to anyone who may we may have offended. We're not anyone. If you're a jerk, maybe I don't apologize to you, but I want to say, you know, I grew up in your, I grew up in the church. I have a lot of respect for the ideals of Christianity, even as I have trouble with a lot of, I have a trouble with a lot of... I'm like, look at the house. I have a trouble with a lot of organized religion and what it gets twisted into, but...

No, I hope we didn't offend anybody. If we did, I do apologize. Just having some yuck, having some fun with the season. I think there's... I think that not being Christian myself, I do find a lot of beauty and a lot of joy in the stories of Christianity and the faith in it and the artworks and things

that reflect and represent those things. And I'd be a big supporter if it wasn't for all the bad stuff that that institution has done to my own ancestors and others. But this is all in the spirit of good fun, the spirit of the season. And so I guess if these shadows have offended, Have offended. Think but this and all is mended. You didn't have to listen. That's what they said in the end of a spotlight, right? That would be great.

That would be great if that was what happened at the end of mid-summer's putt came out. It's like if these shadows have offended, why didn't you leave? The exit's right there. You didn't have to stay for the whole show. Wizards. Get on your snowflakes. We've already got your money. Hi. No, we funds groundlings. Yeah. I feel like that's I did not in the same, not doesn't the same eloquence as the as as when Pucks says, Hey, if you didn't like the show, maybe you fell asleep and you dreamed it all. It's not our fault. No, you know, no, no, no givebacks, you know.

Yeah, same no refunds message, but presented a little bit more politely. Yeah, slightly more politely. Slightly politely. That's the name of my, that's the name of my drawing room first. Okay, well, happy holidays to everybody listening to this. It's Christmas in a few days. If you celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a great Christmas. If you celebrate all their holidays, I hope you enjoy

those holidays. If you don't celebrate any holidays, enjoy your time off. Enjoy your time off. If you have it, I know that everyone doesn't have it, but if you're a holiday still, if you're aware, will you celebrate the holidays? If you celebrate happy, hon, today's congratulations on your purchase of a new automobile. Yeah. I have a Honda for many years. They're reliable cars. A lot of things to be thankful for this time of year.

I know this time of year can also be difficult. I hope that if you weren't offended, we provided some laughs for you. It can also be a difficult time. We are hoping to spread tidings of joy and love and good cheer and what. Yeah, we're hoping to spread tidings of joy and love and good cheer and what yeah, we're hoping to sprint them and We And we thank you for this year of listening to the flop house

I think we have one more episode left before the we use that actually I think two more episodes and I'm wondering after this and we have something kind of Special cooked up the Friday after this episode, this mini drops. Dan and I are going to be hosting a flop house holiday special Twitch stream on my store well into the flop house cat Twitch channel. We're going to be live from Dan's kitchen starting at nine p.m. East Tontan. I'm trying to. Yep. On December 29th, Friday night, and we're going to be taking questions, and it'll be saved on my Twitch channel for, I don't know, like a week or two, I don't remember.

And maybe somebody special will drop by or send us a little message. Santa. I don't see. Yes, Santa. Yeah, Santa. Santa still believes in Santa. I'd say see. Yes, maybe. Yeah, Santa. Santa still believes in Santa. I'd say Santa still believes in Dan, which would not be he should.

That's touching. Yeah, that's touching. Thank you, thank you everybody for listening. Thanks for a great year of flop house listening. And we have part of the Maximum Fund Network. Please go to Maximumfund.org to check out their other shows or to buy a jumbo-tron message on our show or to buy some flopphouse merchandise if you want. Our producer is Alex Smith. Thank you, Alex, for making some kind of shape out of this mess.

He goes online as Howell Dottie. He's a very talented songster and podcaster. Please enjoy his work. Please, if you like this show, leave us a positive review, five stars or more. See if you can add more than five. Wherever you get your podcasts. Other than Stewart and Dan will hopefully see you on Twitch and join us again next week for the flop house. I've been Elliot Kaelin. I'm Dan Joy. I'm Stuart Wellington. Bye. Maximum Fun A Worker-owned Network Of Artists Owned Shows

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