The Frank Skinner Show - 100 Hours

Episode Date: January 9, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank saw something unsettling in Hampstead Heath and had an issue with the Christmas turkey. The team also discuss the Queen’s fly test, office golf and the Mastermind board game.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215. You really can. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I might have just made a New Year's resolution to listen to more Pogues. I might have. Prompted by that.

I may have mentioned this before, but why even bother doing that as a pre-cursor? We all have to repeat things in our lives. I was burgled. I lived in a bed seat in Birmingham and I got burgled. Happy New Year, everyone. Lovely story.

They stole my, well, Walkman and three Pogues cassettes. And looking back, it's like they stole the 80s. Someone broke in and stole the 80s from me. That is a shame. Yeah. I didn't mean it to start a sad story. The music lives on. Yeah, exactly. It's rare that

I'm the cheery one in a chat, but here we are. What a lovely sentiment. Oh, don't put yourself down. I mean, it's right, but you don't need to point it out. It's been regularly brought to my attention, actually. But anyway. I would say you're largely unknowable.

That's how I think of you. Oh, OK. Do you know what? When people are... They're not actually physically gathering together, most people, but they're reconnecting after the Christmas period. How many other groups of friends do you think begin the conversation by saying, you're largely unknowable, I think.

Maybe priests returning to prayer. Obviously, they shouldn't really have Christmas off to think of it. I thought they'd been up to their eyeballs. Yeah. It's a bit busy. I was there.

I know, because I was there. Oh know, because I was there. Oh, yeah. Oh, can I tell you, by the way, before we go into outside world, I was in... Stop me if I've told you this recently, but I was on Hampstead Heath.

Oh, there we go. Which is a large area of sort of park. You might have told me this off-air, but I'm surprised you're telling it on. It's not that. I think Joe Orton told me that. A different anecdote. Joe Orton told me that off air. It's not that story. And

I was walloping a football around with my son. Which is something I think I could probably do for eight hours a day and be perfectly happy. It's something about just kicking a football. I met a blo and be perfectly happy. Great. Something about just kicking a football. Mm-hmm. I met a bloke for a chat.

I know. And we took a football and we just kicked a football to each other. Oh, that's nice. And we were saying, this is just great. Anyway, so as they're doing that, in the period that we were kicking the football about, a woman arrived in a sort of kind of gear you might get kitted up in, Al. You know, the old white martial arts.

Oh, I thought you meant medieval knight costume, but I didn't realise. No. You know, it's got a technical name, I'm guessing. A gi? A gi, yes. Like the pyjamas? Turns up in a gi. Yeah.

Eh? And takes out this big sword. Right. And I was keeping an eye on her, let's put it that way. Yeah, yeah. What was the kill bill? Yeah, well, she was an older lady. She's probably not as old as me.

Still older. Oh, me? Yeah. And she started doing a sort of Tai Chi thing with this sword. Right. So I thought, okay. So she did that for about 15 minutes. I was glad to see her put it back in the sheath.

Mm-hmm. And then... Good for the social distancing for her, though. True. No one's going within that two metres. That is very true. But, see, I'd have gone for the samurai mask. I mean, let's go to Harvard.

And then two blokes turned up with big sticks and they started doing a sort of quite ritualised, looked like kendo. Perhaps a bit of kendo. I think you might have got that right. Can we just establish, sorry to go all 24 hours in police custody on you, but were these individuals connected to the female?

No, they weren't. Now, this is it. And then after they... Just a lot of random swords. This is why we were just kicking a football. It's like, you know, part life. It was that. It was part life actually happening.

And then they went away after a bit, and the final arrival was a guy turned up, and he started half semi-climbing a tree, and I thought, why, I... That's swampy. And then it turned out that he hung two gymnastics rings from them and started doing, you know, the crucifix and all that stuff. Good Lord, that's strong.

And anyway, where I'm moving towards is this morning's texting. What's the most surprising breakfast show friendly thing you've ever seen in a park. You need a ramp for these things. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I just say thank you to our fabulous readers for sending us such lovely, pleasant messages this morning on Twitter and through

through all the various means that's good i don't get to see the messages in case they're negative and i i can't cope with negative waves generally in my life you should feel quite pleased about some of them because uh we've actually got some that received frank Skinner merchandise for Christmas. Really? Yeah. How long did these emails take to arrive? One wonders. I mean, I don't think you're due a royalty check for this one. No, go on. Somebody has sent a photograph of a boxed game of Fantasy Manager.

Oh, God. Terrible, terrible game. Oh, is it? Yeah. I remember this. They seemed quite excited about it. Me and Dave tried to play it once, we couldn't work out the rules. Well you of all people

ought to have been able to because you're on the box the carrier. If you're on the box. Frank and David and board games. Is it a combustible mixture? We shouldn't have been on the box. You know you have to get your name taken off the credits. Do you remember, like, with the Mastermind,

it wasn't Magnus Magnusson on the box. Is that right? It was a bloke with, like, a beautiful Chinese girl. Oh, yes. And he looked like a real mastermind. You know, like an evil mastermind. That was a different game. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. Shit, and Evil Mastermind That was a different game It wasn't

I think Mastermind I know exactly the man you mean He looked a bit Omar Shari Can we want Just to shame your pronunciation Just to sort of correct what had preceded that Can anyone help us out with the Mastermind board game, was it Mastermind

but instead of Magnus Magnusson, it was an evil villain. It was an evil Bond villain. With his beautiful mole. I'm just suggesting it was more of a sort of weird, it wasn't a questions, it wasn't Mastermind the game. Oh, OK. That's all I'm saying.

Well, OK, that might be right. I never played it. I just like the lady. I like the lady on the cover. You've asked what's the most surprising and breakfast show friendly thing you've seen in a part. You asked our readers and they responded. We've had all sorts coming in. People, Paul Chappell, people sitting on a football pitch playing Sabutio.

Now that is deliberately cantankerous, isn't it? We've had Flanners, a man walking his falcon on a lead. Wow. That's getting a vigorous nod from the assistant producer who's obviously seen the same chap walking a falcon. Well, she lives in Stratford-upon-Avon. You probably see falcon walkers with about 12 on a leather what do you call a long piece of leather? Leash. On a leash. Oh yeah like you don't

know. Yeah well I know. We all have our own New Year's resolutions. We've also had Dr Mark Skincare. Call me. Can that be right? I wonder what he does for a living. Well, if you are Dr Mark Skincare, you'd feel pressured, wouldn't you, into dermatology? Yeah. Well, he's an experienced aesthetic medical practitioner.

Call me, Dr Mark. When I was 11, playing in Clitterhouse Park, the England football team came and did a practice. I got autographs from Sir Alf Ramsey, Bobby Moore and Peter Shilton. Wow. That is... I don't think of Peter Shilton as a contemporary of Alf Ramsey and Bobby Moore, but, you know, maybe there was a crossover.

There might have been. It's a bit tragic, the England team. In a park. In a park. Glitter House Park. Different times. Could there have been a lookalike? Did they used to have lookalike England squads who did, like,

working men's clubs and stuff? If they did, is it likely that they all gathered to play football in a park? Can we work out? What if they had a big Christmas do coming up? Maybe. What would their name have been? They must have had a no-ways-is type name. Oh, yeah.

So what is the name of the England look-alikes 11? If you can come up with a good punning name for that, we would love it. 8, 12,15, guys. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, any mastermind news? Yes. Yeah. We do.

Do you think Magnus Magnusson said that for years after it went off air? To his agent. I worked with Ted Rogers once and he said, yeah, we think 321's coming back. And I thought, oh man, you've been saying that for such a long time and it never came back. In case you don't know who Ted Rogers or 321 is,

just give me that as a New Year's gift. Next. Roger Turner has been in touch. We mastermind, or mastermind have you you'd like to you know you say you say we're all different but we're all god's chilling this is the thing this is what i was just saying i didn't want to come across as um elitist with my pronunciation i'm just as god made me the guy on the Mastermind box was a very nice chap from Oadby in Leicestershire. Was he really?

I once went to a wedding in Oadby, and it was one of these where I was invited to the ceremony and the evening do, but not the reception, so I ended up in a chip shop with a buttonhole. It's a terrible juxtaposition. The game was created by Invicta Plastics and had nothing to do with the other mastermind. Oh.

I don't think that the guy is with us any longer. Yeah, never mind the guy. Oh, for goodness sake. She had a lovely... Sorry, I just remembered. She had a lovely white dress on, I seem to recall. Do you remember? Silk.

Oh, you've gone forensic so but what was the game though? oh I don't know oh well I'm off with it 590 who self describes as fat Gary Newcastle upon Tyne

I'm not judging has texted but doesn't say what he's describing. I'm figuring out that it's about the Mastermind game because it just says, Leicester hairdresser Bill Woodward with steeples fingers and Cecilia Fung of Hong Kong, a Leicester Uni student. That's a great, dramatic personality from Gary.

Ah, well, man, I forgot. Is that the fact Gary cast in an agency? Interesting news. Brilliant. What about in the park? What's happening in the park? Are you asking us what is happening with regards to Parklife, Hank?

Or the lookalike team. Yeah. Sorry, Lookalike team. Yeah. Sorry, I had some news. Were you about to speak, Alan Cochrane? Just clarifying, there's been a few. Hey, come on. It's a new year. Let's be friends.

Chris Carley... Oh, yeah. ...has been in touch, and he has some information with regards to what's happening in the park. Chris Carley says this, I once saw this lady throw a bucket of bird seed onto two blokes,

suddenly a massive flock of pigeons engulfed. What a fabulous form of self-defence. Isn't it? Who knew that you could just harness... Yeah. Wildlife, essentially. Wildlife like that, yeah. Brilliant.

That's why it's always worth keeping a string of sausages in your handbag. Or aniseed. Oh, I'm loving this. Oh, yeah. That was good. What about that? The producer, Sarah, turn that round in a matter of seconds. She did well.

Steve Burgess, I watched a magpie tease a cat, moving to the side each time the cat pounced, almost Matador style. I was doing the olés in my head. Is this common? I don't know much about bird behaviour. Tell me about it, eh, guys? Well, I'll tell you this.

What was that person? That was guys? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you this. What was that person? That was Steve Burgess. Steve. I, um... Uncle Guy. Uncle Guy was a... He's Uncle Guy Burgess. I watched a Jack Russell terrier

with two crows, and one would peck him on the back and he'd turn around to go to that one. Another crow would peck him on the back and turn him round again. For to that one, another crow would peck him on the back and turn him round again, for ages meanies, I did like the David Attenborough don't get involved and just enjoy the cruelty we've been discussing

this a board game of Mastermind that you remember the box of haven't we? Is it fair to say a beautiful lady as an assistant? Yeah I think it was a beautiful lady You sound like a farce show character

Was it a beautiful lady? I think we're both a little unsure whether you can use the phrase beautiful lady. You know what as the lady present I'm fine with it Okay thank you. Well, you know what? As the lady present, I'm fine with it. Okay, thank you. Well, 077... Especially if you use it about me.

077 has used few words to tell a life story, I would suggest. Hi, my best friend's mum is the lady on the Mastermind box. Wow. She's from Oadby and still lives there

in her 70s. She's from Oadby as well. I don't know the idea that Mastermind board game was so Leicester based. I think you were a bit disappointed. You said it was all sort of exotic. Mysterious. It felt like there might have been a fat man in a white suit sitting in one of those bars where there's like a propeller on the ceiling and the bloke comes over in a fez and tries to sell him some dirty postcards that kind of you

know that kind of yeah i know that whereas lester's not really like that i i love that story i love that story but what i would say is i'm just slightly wary of it, and I completely take it, you know, I'm assuming this is absolutely true. However, I'm just a bit scarred, because the boy I went to school with lied and said his mum was the woman who danced at the beginning of the Tales of the Unexpected credits. Oh, yeah. Right. And it's always made me sensitive.

Weird and specific lies. So it wasn't true? No, of course it wasn't. She danced as Rome burned, if I remember rightly. There was like flames licking all around her. Oh, yeah, I remember that.

You're asking for the name. It's kind of sort of a barrel organ. You're asking for the name of... That was fabulous music, wasn't it? Yeah, thanks. It's silly of me trying to read text messages when you're recreating the music from Tales of the Unexpected.

No, my fault. Carry on now. Common problem for radio sidekicks. Co-presenters. Thank you. Yeah. You were asking for the name that people would give for the England lookalike team that we're trading in. The tribute team.

457 has suggested, how about Twingerland? Oh, because it's a twin. A bit like Shania Twinn. Yes. I like Twingerland. Well then, Bilbo Bakewell,

all sorts of... A lot to unpack in that name, which I will enjoy unpacking. Regards, Frank stop slurping the tea. What are you drinking? It's too, it's a very audible slurping. Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Did you hear it Al? Yes.

Yeah, I didn't know. I'm just an old man, Commander. I didn't know how to handle it. Do you think it was all right that we raised it? I think aggression was the right answer. That's what you went for, isn't it? You think that's aggression? Glad we don't live together, pal.

I've heard of New Year aggression. Look forward to your meeting aggression. Can I have a sidebar here before you go on to this? As long as it's not alcoholic. No, it's to do with what me drinking. I'm drinking out of a cop which has got Pogs in Space.

Now I don't know if you remember but a guy called Tim sent me his comic that he'd done called Pogs in Space. Right. And my son who's eight got hold of it, Boz, and he absolutely loves it. good because this guy to be fair tim has gone hard sell he's bombarded me mugs badges coming but it worked yeah and now

boss is saying can we subscribe and i said yeah sure and he said the next one comes out in march well i'm sorry come on it's a long word yeah I mean it's it's like waiting for a Björk album

I mean he's a subscriber to the Beano he's used to regular hits come on Tim I imagine

Tim is at home with the John Ball printing set knocking these things out but you know I mean it's but he loves the comics so

so respect to Mundo sorry we'll come back to your point in a minute Bilbo Bakewell forgive me but it's had to be said Barnaby bread cake

or something like that very well remembered if slightly incorrectly, but, you know, good effort. Bilbo Bakewell. Oh, yes. He'd come up with, he'd given it a stab, the old England, a name for the England team,

England Lookalike. England Tribute Team, yeah. Exactly. Bilbo Bakewell regards the England Lookalike team name. How about English? Oh, Ish. Yes. That's good.

I like it. Good use of Ish. Yeah. Well done, Bilbs. What about the notional side? Oh, that's good. Instead of the national side. I don't think it's as good as English.

Just have a notion of who you're meant to be. I'm just trying to make... It's a bit like Max Bygraves, the popular guy, used to do sing-along albums because he wasn't a great singer and people felt they could sing with him. That's nice. If Bryn Turffle did sing-along albums, that'd be a disaster because people would think,

we can't compete with this bloke. Most unusual things people have seen in the park? Atworth says... Hold it, hold it, hold it, before you do it. A sea lion, which has made its way... A sea lion? It has made its way up the river from Longleat to Trowbridge Park. That's what Atworth...

That is... I remember an elephant escaped from, I think it was Dudley Zoo in the West Midlands, and they said in the report, and there was no other details, they said it reported to escape using circus skills. What? Yeah, which ones? Flight?

Trapeze? Wearing a tutu? It probably wasn't spinning the ball on its trunk, was it? That wouldn't get it out of the suit. Did they ever really do that? I think so. I just read too many children's books. Yeah, too many.

In the Disney films, they always did that. I've seen them when I was a kid and went to, I think I went to one circus as a kid, and an elephant stood on a very small platform. Right. They could do that with their feet very close together do they really

wear the tutus as well I never saw one in a tutu I think animals in circuses I'll be straight with you it's quite revealing right

I mean it didn't leave much to the imagination the elephant's tutu I think it should have gone for a sort of a midi skirt at the knee. Do they have knees?

They have knees, don't they? Oh, they have knees, but really terrible wrinkles. They don't really have ankles, do they? Ankles they've got, I think. They don't have much definition in the calf area. No. Let's be straight. Neither do I, actually.

I'm not body shaming them. I'm just saying that's not their strongest area, aesthetically. I agree with that. Would it be okay if I changed comms with you guys? If I went to emails that I'd like to bring to your attention? I think that's a good thing to do. Changing comms. Change our comms midstream.

Changing comms. I they say on spy films. Changing comms. I've never heard anyone say it before. As you know, I think it's changing communications. I know, I get what it is. I didn't think it meant combination pants. As you know, normally on the show, I would do a Friday night trawl where I would look through the emails that came in on Friday night

in case any of them were gold that we could then use on Saturday morning. Can I just stop you for a second? Comms used to be what old lady called their knickers when I was a kid. Is that right? I think they were called them combinations. But I don't know what they were a combination of.

Someone will, though, at 12.15. Carry on, Al. I might have set a few pulses racing on Absolute Radio this morning. The combination. For the more senior listeners. I checked the emails to do the Friday Night Troll, forgetting somewhat that we've been off for two or

three weeks, but I did find an email that was entitled Alan's Recognition. Turns out it's about me even though it's misspelled my name, Alan. I'll read it to you. See what you think. We've done stony ground for your jokes. I'm feeling fine.

I'm good. See what you think. I used to be a big fan of Jake. I still am a big fan of Jake Thackeray. Oh, yes. And he had an accent not dissimilar to yours. I like Jake Thackeray. And he used to... We definitely overlap in some ways.

He'd say, I'm doing a song now it's about see what you think he always he always used to say that I'm afraid we're going to have to wait to see what we think

until after this until after this okay right see what you think this is Frank Skinner this is Absolute Radio

this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Now, we were in the midst, in the midst of Cockrell. Yes, we're reading an email entitled Alan's Recognition. I'll read it, it's from Dan. The other week Alan kept coming out with some belting George Clooney jokes that got nothing. I feel I have to give them a reference.

So he's going to work his way through the several jokes that he says I did that got nothing i'd forgotten but since it's come up it's only right to mention it okay um for example on gravity quote that film brought me down silence oh i must admit that passed me by as well sorry al uh the best was when someone sent in an email entitled Clooney's decent work citing Hail Caesar and Gravity and Alan said surely that's his descent work Descent Gravity Decent work descent

Oh yeah I understand And then he says now that's a great response I laughed out loud Got nothing again Has my comedy radar gone skewy for the lockdown? Dan. Well, Al, we can only apologise to you. I don't know why I brought you up now. No, I'm glad you did.

Well, I do. I try to encourage my children on this show. If it makes you feel any better, I was watching Christmas Pointless. Oh, yeah?

And I don't know if you're aware of this, but they said, here are some jokes... Oh, yes. ...from the Edinburgh Festival, and you have to say what the punchline is. Yes. And now, this is a... The joke... I can repeat the joke, can't I? Yeah, I think so.

It's been on telly. Yeah. They said, I met my, what is the, you tell the jokes, your joke. Oh, I can't, I mean, this is six years ago. I met my wife, when I met my wife. Yeah, I knew she was a keeper from the start. She was wearing massive gloves. So that was the joke.

So they got it the right way around. See, I watched that and thought, oh, you see what I would have done. Yeah. He said when I met my wife, she was wearing massive gloves. I knew she was a keeper. And I thought, I bet they've got it the wrong way around. But it turns out...

So had I, in your opinion. So had you. You've got it the wrong way around. But it turns out... So had I, in your opinion. So had you. You'd got it the wrong way around. We're not going to have a vote on it. It got a big laugh in the studio. Oh, did it really? So that was nice. I don't really like the quoting of comics.

No, it's often. Generally, I think it's a bit disrespectful. But, you know, there it goes. I am... Can I say, by the way, you know, we have family... Well, they're not actually my family, but my brother-in-law's family

has an online Pointless, which we play as a group. Oh, OK. And I don't want to show off, but me and Kath as a team, we're generally top two. Really? This week, we had our Return the New Year version.

We finished last. And I'd like to give you some of my answers. Oh, yeah. Country beginning with L. Lapland. Right. Apparently not a country. Did you know that?

Yeah, I think I did. Oh, well. It's a club in Birmingham, if I help. Countries, there were allies of ours in World War II. Malta, I thought they definitely got the George. They weren't actually a country it turns out in World War 2 is that right? and so it went on

planets bigger than earth? No idea that's tough and I was laughing about how badly we were doing but inside my heart was an arid wasteland because you like to compete in a quiz don't you? yeah and I was desolate tough anyway I just thought I'd run that by you Because you like to compete in a quiz, don't you? Yeah, and I was desolate. Tough.

Anyway, I just thought I'd run that by you. So, where were we? Oh, I'll tell you what. You never mean... We haven't done what human beings do and say, nice Christmas. Yeah, nice enough. Oh, I can't do that. I hate it when people do that.

They go, good Christmas, and it goes very quiet, actually. Yeah, well, they do this year. Yeah. Let's not descend into that. Well, I have to tell you something. Yeah. We were going to go away to a house in the country.

Oh, I'll tell you. Ow! Producer just caught me right in the kidneys that means we have to move on forgive me so we'll come back to this but it's going to be a Christmas anecdote so if you've had enough

just go listen to something else for a bit and we'll be back again. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we was going to go away to a sort of country house thing. Yeah. And ten of us... It's all a bit blur

influenced today's show. Yes, it is. It is a bit. And then there were certain restrictions introduced. So then we were going to have ten people at our house. Right. And then there was further restrictions introduced. So then we were going to have ten people at our house. Right.

And then there was further restrictions. And in the end, it was just me, Kath and Boz. Oh, really? But we'd bought a turkey for ten. Yeah. Which is a big, that's a big bird. That's a lot of turkey. A big bird.

Yeah. So anyway, we thought, I'll get through it. So on Christmas morning, got the turkey out. It was frozen. Yeah. I didn't know we'd bought a frozen turkey. So it'd been in the fridge for a couple of days, but still absolutely rock hard.

So we looked at the thing and it says, in the fridge at four degrees, needs a hundred hours to thaw a hundred hours yeah so it's that probably i don't know 20 odd so we couldn't eat it no couldn't eat it on christmas days big massive what if the 10 people had turned up a hundred hours i mean that's the length of a sort of classical war or something. That's how you mention a presidential turkey. So anyway, so the only meat we had was the pigs in blankets. Ooh.

So the pigs, I once went to see My Fair Lady expecting Martine McCutcheon and she had a bit of a throat and the understudy stepped up and was brilliant and that's kind of what happened with the pigs in blankets you know always the bridesmaid never the bride pigs in blankets but

when they were at the centre they're delicious so me and Boz had I think it was nine each. Good. And so essentially, did they form a tower? How did you arrange them on the plate? Or were they just more like a raft? Well, mine, I put at strategic positions.

A little bit on one side of the cabbage. Imagine if you were staking a joint. Yeah. And this is not meat terminology. It's private detective. Or indeed a vampire. No Van Helsing here. No, so there was what?

You never knew where a pig in a blanket was going to turn up. Right. Oh, they were sort of an Easter egg treasure hunt vibe going on on the Christmas Day plate. Yeah. So, it all turned out beautifully. And I tell you,

there was an element of Where's the Turkey? Was there? I once went to see a gig called Elvis in Concert. And I don't know if you're aware of this phenomenon, but they get the singers and the musicians who played with Elvis in the 70s on his live shows. But obviously Elvis is no longer available.

So he's on a big screen just singing without any musical backing and they play it live. But they still have a microphone in the middle of the stage, which is unattended. That's depressing. And that's what not in the middle of the stage, which is unattended. That's depressing. And that's what not having the turkey on the plate was like. It's the presence of absence. Oh, yes, it is exactly that.

Always an issue in life, I find. What, when did you eat, did you consume the turkey? So we had it on, I think it was the 28th. We had it. Even though you didn't have the turkey? So we had it on, I think it was the 28th. We had it. Even though you didn't have the turkey to eat on your Christmas dinner and your pigs in blankets meal sounds nice, I do wonder if you could just hear dripping of the thawing turkey in the background. For three days.

Well, it wasn't going that fast. It was a slow, slow thaw-er. Was it a slow bird? Slow thaw-er, as I think Alan Bennett said during the filming of one of his talking heads. But my sister-in-law bought us a meat thermometer as a gift, something that we'd forgotten about, and she pointed out to us.

So we got that out and plunged it into the turkey on the 28th. And it was still minus 1.3 at the bone. So we said, we'll just have to cook it a lot to be safe. So we really cooked it. And by the time we ate it, I've got to be honest with you, I mean, we dried it.

It was like eating a satchel. Oh dear. Or is it a bit Iris Murdoch's old shoe? Oh, it was, yeah, it was. Oh dear. Is that what they say in the culinary world? That's what I say in the M.A. world. No, we had to kill it so that it didn't kill us.

On Absolute Radio. We were talking about turkey in the break. I think I might have had enough. You had enough turkey? Oh, I like it. I don't know if I'm going to bother next year. Also, I've got resentment for it now. Oh, yeah. Well, I think I'd said to you,

I feel the turkey is... Christmas is built around this bird. Many people have said that about me, maybe, in the past. But Christmas is built around this bird, and yet, do people like it that much? Because it is an overrated meat. I like it but it goes against all my, I'm a person, if I go to an art gallery

for a big exhibition and everyone is crossed at around the beginning because they've just come in I go to the other end of the room and look at that room in reverse because there's nobody around the paintings at the end and it's always good to be doing something out of season as as it were.

Yeah. So getting a turkey at Christmas is mad. I should get one in May when nobody wants one. Yes. I'd freeze it this time. Beautiful. I don't actually trust freezing in any aspect. Sorry.

That sounds logical. Similarly to, do you like, Al, much like Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, Frank is bringing bootiful back. Who knew? Bootiful, in case you're a younger viewer. There was a man called Bernard Matthews who was a turkey...

Farmer. Yeah, I was going to call him a turkey killer. Yeah, what I mean. Oh, turkey killer, Yeah, what I mean. Turkey killer, qu'est-ce que c'est? Boo-boo-boo-boo-to-for-boot. And he used to advertise things with him standing around these doomed

creatures. And he used to say boo-da-ful. Absolutely boo-da-ful. That was his catchphrase and he had a sort of Robert Maxwell look about him. Well-fed tycoon. Well, I mean, I had the red cheeks of the rustic individual. You know what I mean?

The country person. A bit of tweed. There's an element of tweed about him. I like some of that stuff. Oh, yeah. Here's the thing. How do you know? The question is, how do you know when you're an old dad?

And here it is. My son and his cousin were running around. We went for a walk and they were running around screaming and shouting. And my son came over to me and said, we're playing World War Two. Will you be Winston Churchill? Now then you know, don't you, that you've misjudged it. At least they see you as a goody.

Yeah. That could have gone worse. Let's be honest, it could have been worse. Remember, this is a man whose statue is attacked about twice a week now. Yeah, but wait till those people hear about the other guy. But also...

Yeah, but I don't know. You're going to have to struggle to find the statue of Hitler in London. Fair enough. I mean, publicly. You might have one of Blondie. It wasn't Blondie's fault. No, you can't blame, you can never blame the dogs. I've often, I've often thought that.

So, I'm going to ask you, no, I'm not going to ask you a question. The producer today has been, I'd say bullying. It reminds me of when I was at school. I'll tell you what, the producer today has been on fire. Yeah, but it's a good job I don't have a hot drink, because it keeps shoving me. You throw it in your face, haven't you? Yeah, it was...

I really feel pressured and... Oh, it's awful. Just put your music on, love. OK. Put your music... Hey, what? Hey! Put your music on.

What do you say? Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Annabelle Grant has been in touch regarding bootiful. She's tweeted this morning, Annabelle. Bootiful was because the turkeys were raised in Norfolk. This is how the word is pronounced there.

The dialect features yod dropping, which I think I've heard from Frank on occasion. Do you know what that is? Yod dropping? No. No, I'm not familiar with it. Oh, you answer questions and then you pose further questions. Is this an animal called the yod? Right.

That would explain it. I don't know what it is. Of course it's a typo, the yob. You see, you don't hear about yobs anymore. A very 70s phenomenon, the yob. I think it's about dropping a part of the word. You know, like in Yorkshire, they have a thing called the glottal stop.

Oh, yeah. So they say, oh, the wall. But obviously yod dropping is something that we're until now unaware of. But we'll investigate it further. Every day's a school day on this show, innit? Here's the thing. Go on.

I had a... My doorbell went the other day. And, er... Did it inspire you to write Kublai Khan? Big guy. Er, er, er, er, er.

So I went, er... You went off and wrote Kublai Khan. So I went downstairs and, er, it was the popular comedian Tim Key. He didn't just turn up unannounced, did he? Yeah.

I can't bear that. He just did a doorbell. Yeah, he did the doorbell. Wow. There's only a few I'd allow that from. Well, he's one of the five, is it five people who are guests, we have as guests on this show? About that, yeah.

Neil Gaiman didn't knock on my door. I'd be very happy if Neil Gaiman knocked on my door. Really? Any of the big five? I think any of the people we have. Who are they? Okay, can we establish? Neil Gaiman.

David Baddiel. Alex Horne. David Baddiel. Alex Horne, David Baddiel. Tim Key. Tim Key. And I think Stephen Moffat. I think that's it.

That's pretty big. What an extraordinary collection. Any of them could knock on my Key. And I think Stephen Moffat. I think that's it. That's pretty big. What an extraordinary collection. Any of them could knock on my... Anyway, he knocked on my door. How's Tim? Well, he was doing... I mean, he was being very good. He was standing well back.

Did he ring first and say I might come over? No. Just straight to the door? No, what he'd done is he... I got an email from him and he said, I've written a new book. I'd like to give you a copy. What's your address?

Well, I thought. Put it in the post. I thought he was going to post it. That's what I assumed. Because he doesn't live that near. Anyway, so he turned up and it was, you know, I stood on the step. I mean, one of the very few pluses of the current situation is do you ever get people come round your house

and it's a bit of a grey area whether they're inviting people or talk on the step people. And sometimes you see them longing for your interior, as it were. Yeah. And there was none of that, you know. It was a bit like addressing people from the stage door that's nice yes and everyone knows you know you shall not pass there's clarity all interaction takes place on the stoop that's how it should be and then um

and then my my partner came to the door to see what on earth was going on. And I felt, well, I'll tell you after this break, I felt she slightly spoiled it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. So, yeah, so Tim Key turned up at my house and then my partner came and said hello and spoke a bit. And then she did a thing which she often does with me when I'm talking to men.

Oh, yeah? She said, you should be friends. Oh. Why don't you be friends? Because she's always murdered about me that I'm not very good on the friends thing. Right. Why don't you be friends because she's always moaning about me that I'm not very good on the friends thing right

why don't you be friends you can I can't please mum yeah yeah and I think

I got anxious he got anxious and then he went away I'm sure he'd love that well I don't but it's difficult if somebody states it in the conversation

yeah you're not supposed to you're not supposed to start robbing it in. So anyway, he gave me... I was happy to see... I'll tell you why I was happy to see him. I grew up amongst people who didn't have phones of any kind, and I'm including landlines.

If you wanted to make a phone call, you had to go and knock on Mrs Morgan's door and ask if you could use her phone. So people turned up. That was how it worked. And then when I moved to London, I tried to continue it and people don't like it when you turn up because they're doing work and they're writing a, you know.

Yeah. They're writing a column for a newspaper and you turn up. You know how it is. Yeah, it's different. So it was nice, I thought, that he just turned up. But then he gave me the book. And I'll be honest, I fell for the oldest trick in the book book.

He said to me, Oh, you get a name check. And of course that's a great way to get someone to read a book. Yes. Because all you do is scour the book for your name. Oh, Keith. Pathetically. He's a wily one, that Keith.

Yeah, I mean, I should have, I was going to call him back and ask for a page reference. Yeah. But he'd gone. Is it a poetry book? I tell you what, it's a book about lockdown. Oh, is it? It's very funny and it's also a beautiful book.

The actual design of it. I take it the mention was positive then. It's stunning. Design, yeah. No, I never found the mention. Oh, really? Never found it. It was a lie.

Did you not get a mention after all that? I couldn't find it. What if you're in just that legal bit on the inside front cover just that nobody reads? I know. It was so beautiful I didn't want to read it. I felt wrong to read it. Also, I love that Tim Key has written a poem about lockdown.

Well, it's not just a poem. It's a dialogue. He's done all sorts of puns. Oh, Key, lockdown. You know what? I don't think he used that pun in the whole book. No. It's too classy.

Maybe he could put it in some sort of addendum. He used to get those books and there was a piece of paper in them and it was like something had been missed from the book. Come on. I like addendum. Sort yourselves out. I must tell you, I did it with David Baddiel. I gave him a book about the history of alternative comedy

and wrote hello next to his name in the index. So what's the book called then? You've got to do the whole PR thing. No, it's difficult. I can't do that. It's something like The Man Who Married Thought or something complicated. He's traipsed barefoot to your house in the snow

to try and get some PR. I never said he was barefoot. I never said. You've added that. It's a good detail, though. It is. It's not true. No, it's a beautiful, it's one of those books,

it's like a little thing. It's an objet d'art. Yes. That's what it is. Nice. Lovely. But if I'm in it, I'm damned if I don't see it, and I have scoured it with a fine-toothed comb.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Emily Dean, Alan Cochran, text the show, 8-12-15, follow the show, Twitter, Instagram, at Frank on the radio, email the show, Absolute Radio website. Had a touch of the rag and bone being showered there, losing the words, didn't it?

Whatever happened to that? Here he holds on him. No idea what they said. Frank, we've been talking this morning about strangest things you've seen in a park. Yes. Breakfast show friendly things. Yeah. Yes.

SFW, as I believe they say. Suitable for work. Correct. Yes. SFW as I believe they say suitable for work correct Dirty Harry has sent us this this should make my day yeah very good go on

when I bought my current home, oh get you which had a large green area aka a park opposite one quiet Sunday morning a helicopter landed and two

air hostesses cabin crew now thank you ran from a nearby house and jumped in and took off brilliant

my wife my wife remarked are they allowed to do that that well they didn't drop their jumbo down fit yourself Lockie that? Well, they didn't drop their jumbo down.

Fit yourself, Lockie. That is, I don't know what it is, but I know now it is the cabin crew and all that. Yeah. But the female members of cabin crew have got an intrinsic glamour which has not been diminished by being lumped with the blokes. There's something incredibly...

You're right. Incredibly. No-one else can wear a silk scarf quite like they do. And also, yes, which is why so many radio DJs in the 70s snapped them up the other day. Well, yeah. And comics, of course, were all Marion Beauty contestants.

Why was that? Well, why was that is a question that would not take long to answer if we were off air. But bear with me. What I'm saying is, why was there the division? Was there a suggestion that the cabin crew slash air hostess was, you're not quite going to get the beauty queens, radio DJs, you can make do with the air hostess.

Yeah, but the air hostesses are often more beautiful than the beauty queens. djs you can make do with the air hostess the air hostesses are often more beautiful than the beauty queens there's something about control there's something about in what a situation which many find anxiety making they are calm smiling you feel safe yes yeah and also they're very good at walking down aisles aren't they so they're oh they're very good at walking down aisles, aren't they? Oh, they're made for marriage. Made for it. Absolutely made for it. No, it's brilliant. The red shoes on the Virgin things. It's very glamorous. Still an intensely glamorous job.

Yeah. Just to follow up the park life thing. 706, hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Just to follow up the park life thing. 706, hi Frank, Emily and Alan. I've seen a man tightrope walking on ratchet straps in Fitzpark, Keswick, Cumbria. I expect it in Notting Hill in that there London, but up north, I think that's a good point. I have to say, I've seen tightrope walking on the Heath as well.

It's a middle class thing, is the suggestion of that. I think also some of them are doing what they call slack ropes, so it's not actually tightropes. I hate to be Mr Pedantic, but it's a slack rope. But you could be aspiring to a tightrope and only be able to manage a slack rope. It depends on your ratchet. All of that stuff's very vogue at the moment, isn't it?

The gymnastic rings and the tightrope. I haven't seen the gymnastic rings before. It's very on trend in the fitness world. Boz got excited. Boz honestly thought it was going to be Quidditch when the rings went up. Oh, dear. No way, Jose.

As they say at Marine FC. What about Hazalad saying, I once saw ex-talk show host Robert Kilroy Silk walking his cat on a lead in a suburban Liverpool park. He kept on shouting, get back Lionel, which we presume was the cat's name. Wow. Very bizarre. Unless he was fending off Lionel Blair by taking advantage of his cat allergy.

We've all done it. I'd like to talk to you about recruitment, actually. Oh, God, what's going on? Well, the Queen's head cleaner, I think it is, has been... The Queen's head cleaner? Yes, that's right. Is that for a cassette player? Just as the coins.

Oh, right. Has said that they hire staff, obviously, but she has a special test to see whether certain staff are going to make it or not. And she puts a fly on the floor, on the carpet, or on a windowsill or something, and sees whether or not the candidate will spot it and what they'll do.

And apparently, half of the people, like five out of ten will have a look and see it, but one person will pick up the fly and that's the special candidate that gets the job as cleaner at Buckingham Palace. Jose Mourinho, the special one. We should say at this point it's a deceased fly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which makes me...

It would have been very hard to place a non-deceased fly. It would have been a dying to place a non-deceased fly in here. It would have been a dying fly, but this is a... Diddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a-liddle-a. But I'm glad you brought up that it's a deceased fly, because it did make me think, does this person who already works at Buckingham Palace then have to, after they've appointed someone, get the fly back and put it in a little matchbox.

I don't think they have the job at this point, as I read the article. They're being shown around. Okay, can I just... What Alan, I think, if I may be so bold, he was suggesting is who is responsible when they're doing these endless interviews, who on the Royal recruitment team is responsible for gatekeeping

the dead fly, the corpses? Because presumably they'll have to keep getting these dead flies out. Over to you, Frank Skinner. Yes. I don't know the answer to that. To that question. I'm guessing, I can think of one of the Royal children who's got a bit of spare time on his hands. Yeah. Maybe he got the dead fly job. So the idea is the person is shown around the palace.

They're about to give him the job probably, but this little test happens. They see the fly and then the boss stands back and thinks, right, so how is he or she going to cope with this little con happens. They see the fly, and then the boss stands back and thinks, right, so how's he or she going to cope with this little conundrum? Now, I don't know about you, but if I, as I read it, they leave it on the carpet. Or the fireplace.

Now, if I was in someone else's house, I would never dream of picking up a dead fly and this but that's not my business that's why you're not an elite level cleaner at Buckingham Palace I mean let's say for example one wouldn't be surprised to hear that the Duke of Edinburgh plays a lot of indoor golf no that could be the marker for his ball he's put down there. It could. So he walks back, having had a look at the fairway. Yeah. And you just don't do that in other people's houses. It's not your business.

I couldn't agree more. Can I ask, whatever happened, there used to be a regular motif in films and TV things. Someone would go to someone's office, and inside the office they were playing golf into a little sometimes into a glass tumbler. Yes. And sometimes

they'd have a little hole. Do people still do that? Or is the mobile phone? It became very much the sort of, it was shorthand for busy executive hasn't got any time for you. But by the end of the movie, they'll have changed their tune. Yeah. And there's a bit of so powerful can play golf in the office. Yeah, that's what it was.

If anyone is listening... Do you still play golf? Yeah, do you still play office golf? Is there anyone? I'd love to know if that's still... It was such a symbol of power, office golf. Sort of thing you might have seen in Reginald Perrin for it. Par examp. We're discussing the Queen's fly.

The test, yes. Now, this lady, I believe she's called the head of royal recruitment, to give her her full title, Tracy Waterman. Can I just say, I'd like to say i think that is really impressive that the royal family employed tracy's only because one would assume perhaps wrongly that everyone in their household was a sort of portia or an araminta i don't think so i think it goes the full spectrum of society, actually. I like that about them. Yeah, me too.

I'll tell you what I read about the cleaning thing in this article, that if you get a job as a cleaner, often it's a live-in post. Yes. So you live at Buckingham Palace, but you also get all your meals free. Yeah. And my first thought was, I bet the meals at Buckingham Palace are rubbish. I bet they're like really substandard school meals. I think they're like airport food.

I agree. Airline food. I think it's like turkey Twizzlers. Yeah. And you've got a real problem with turkey today. I've gone off turkey good and proper. I did wonder. With Bernard Matthews and the mass killing approach.

Tracy Waterman said that out of ten potential... I like we're just talking about Tracey. She's a figure. She said out of ten people, half will spot the fly on the floor and one will pick it up and that's that special cleaner. I wondered how it would affect my employment chances if I was in the running and I not only pick it up and that's that special cleaner. I wondered how it would affect my employment chances if I was in the running and I not only picked it up,

but I popped it in my mouth and just swallowed it. Would that be a good thing? That would go against you. Do you think it would go against me? Yeah, especially if you didn't pick it up. Just a massive tongue extended from your mouth. You'd think she'd think, oh, he's going to be able to clean in the cracks

by the, what's it, skirting boards, isn't it? No, I think she'd be alarmed. They don't want anything different, do they? Yeah, they're probably worried about... I don't think they like anything new or original, the royals. I mean, I find that the royal family, and I've got no big deal with the royal family, fine, but their major thing now is saying things.

Like the younger royals. Right. Their major thing is saying things that everyone's been saying for about five years with absolute conviction that no one's ever said it before. Yeah. You know, caring things. Oh, I see.

But things that you think, well, we all know that. Yeah, it's a bit truisms, isn't it? Yeah. Received wisdom. So they don't want anyone with a lizard tongue working there. All right, I'll bear in mind. Yeah. I'm not saying you've got one.

The thing is, I would agree with your earlier point, Frank, re-Tracy Waterman, that actually this is the height of bad manners. If I walked into your home and I saw a deceased cockroach in the fireplace area, imagine if I picked it up. I wouldn't get a wet wipes out to attack the stains on your sofa. But it's an insult, isn't it? If you saw a dead horse in my house, it's not your business.

Yeah, you just politely walk around Well, can I remind, may I remind you of the story I told you regarding, that my father used to tell about the member of the aristocracy, who said when a gentleman commented on his grandfather clock in the state file

get out, fellow noticed me things. Yes, I can say that yeah do you see it's a fellow notice me things to the ultimate notice me flies i remember saying i remember saying that after an extensive medical this is frank skinner this is absolute radio I tell you what I do like. I like a job interview story. There used to be a few stories about job interviews. Remember there was one where a man goes for a job interview and it's supposed to be a true story.

And the guy said to him, they had a few questions and they said, how did you get here this morning? So I got a train and I got a cab from the station. And one of the interviewers said, what was the license plate on the cab? And he said it was GVH 9D11B. He said, okay, great. So after they went out, he said, I think he should get the job. And the other guy said, well, he was lying. There's no way he would have known the license plate he said that's why i think you should get the job because he was so quick to come up and just make one up and then i knew a guy and this is a he said he used to take potential employees out for a meal and if they put salt in the soup or salt on the food before they tasted it he wouldn't

employ them right because he suggested they took action before they tested the need for it oh that's clever i once gave a man i'll name him steve parry who is oh yeah you know he's lovely i gave him a job um because he what i was looking for um i think he was started as producer, and then he came into my office to meet me, and I had music on, and he said, is that Trout Mask Replica? Or he didn't even say, is it? He said, oh, Trout Mask Replica, which is a Captain Beefart album.

Because he recognised it, I gave him the job. That's interesting. OK, there you go. Apparently Fred Karner of the Carno troupe, the famous vaudeville type bit, and he used to, when interviewing somebody that might get the job as a clown or a performer in the comedy bit,

he would pretend to blot some ink and then flick it at them. And if they responded by improvising, he would give them the job rather than just, if they sat there, ignoring it. Wow, that's quite... You couldn't get away with that now. No.

You can't be flicking ink at the... But you can put dead flies on a carpet. Anyway, this woman now, Tracy Waterman, has given away the secret, so that's not going to work anymore. Yeah. I would suggest that Tracy's... I think she needs to brush up on the old etiquette.

It's not good manners, Tracy. But the secret's out. It's like if you're looking at houses and when you get there, they're making bread and not coffee on you. No, don't do the secret's out. Secret's out, chicken man. Also, what if one of the candidates...

The story of Colonel Saunders. What if one of the candidates is one of those people that massively overreacts to household bugs? What if they're doing their little tour around Buckingham Palace, somebody just rips their shoe off and absolutely splatters the fly in, like, sort of Basil Fawlty rage style? Like, do they get the gig? Because they've gone above and beyond everyone else.

But I'm guessing that after weeks of interviews, it's a dried-out husk of an insect. Also, I imagine the Duke of Edinburgh, and I say this... So do I, quite a lot. Well, I do, actually. I say this to praise the man. I imagine he's very much of the fellow-noticed-me-things variety. Yes.

I imagine he'd consider that grossly impudent. I think they got the fly from his windscreen, along with a couple of the gardeners also stuck to it. A couple of civilians. Anyway, it's a strange old way to... 5-0-0, by the way, has suggested my boss still plays indoor golf. He also plays the ukulele almost constantly. He is probably the most annoying man I have ever met, they add.

Better not do their name. 5-0-0 is the end of their number. My first job, I ended up working in a drawing office on my own eventually and I used to keep my guitar in one of the drawers for the drawings and when work was slow I'd take that out and play Bob Dylan songs. Great.

It's the end of the show now more or less but if you want to write and say things you did at work when you should have been working we can read them out next week because there must be But if you want to write and say things you did at work when you should have been working, we can read them out next week. There must be loads of stuff going on. Let's make that as a sort of... Oh, there's also...

I know someone who wrote a whole novel during his... I mean, during work hours. Yeah. Wow. And he was just... I'd see him, I'd see the page disappear, and I'd think, I know what you're up to, mate. That's really good,

because I know people that put their head on a broomstick and run round it ten times and then try and walk in a straight line but you know people that write novels at work. What I'm worried about is that someone has listened they've listened to us talking about Buckingham Palace, they've gone to the toilet, they've come back and

you've said I see the page disappear and I know what you're up to mate and they're thinking, oh, this has gone very sordid and upsetting. It's so easy to get confused in the modern world. Look, thank you so much for listening. No, not yet, love. Too early.

Oh, sorry. What the producer is shoving me about. I'm bruised. Let's just do some more. We'll do some more after this. You've Tim Peaked early and it's okay. Honestly, I don't know where I am today. I feel like I've been... I look like a hostage. A blindfolded hostage.

Just play what you're going to play and we'll come back and do some more. What's it going to look like? I don't know. We'll find something. It'll have to be stereophonics. Don't come crying to me. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. I've had a thought. Sorry. We were talking earlier. 275. Frank starting his sign-off for the show 20 minutes early had something of when Michael Jackson accepted the Artist of the Millennium Award.

Both men with such high hope in their voices. I know, it was a tragic... It was a bit moonlight as well. And the article goes to moonlight. It was, it was really. It was a long, long land. No, I saw Bob Hope Life. I took David Baddiel for his,

and Bob Hope was about 81, and we realised later he was actually, he had dementia issues. Oh. But he was... That's a nice story to sign off with. He did an old song called Don't Sit Under The Apple Tree.

Anyone else with me? Yeah, and he started going, until we go marching marching And in the middle Literally in the middle Of the song He did the big ending And the band Rolled into a panic

And that's basically What just happened to me But Just to prove I haven't got Completely lost it We're talking about Bernard Matthews

We were Before Beautiful The man who owned Many many Turkey slaughtering farms. Yes. Another lovely...

Okay, what would you say, and I have no idea, he must have written an autobiography, but I have no idea. What would his autobiography be called? Slice of Life? A bit weak, that. There's got to be something about

beautiful, surely. I don't know what think? It's got to be something about bootiful, surely. I don't know what it is. Oh, really? But I just had an idea what it could be. Go on. Murder most foul. Oh, come on. Inshallah.

What is happening with that? Can I just give a shout out to Wesley, who sent us a long email. John Wesley, the... Oh, I would have gone Snipes. I was just thinking Wesley, Wesley. Sent us a long email about how much they enjoy turkey and his family and the various ways that they eat it.

If I was Wesley, I would always say, as in Snipes. You know when someone's got a name and they have to say, as in? Yeah. I'd go, as in Snipes. Would you not? If you're spelling it out I'd say as in John Wesley the Methodist preacher I would wish you immense good luck with that

there's a plaque on the just by the Ivy restaurant famous celebrity hangout that says John Wesley preached here he's got profile Wesley I think there should be a plaque up there that says John Wesley preached here. You know, he's got profile, Wesley. I think there should be a plaque up there saying

Judi Dench once insulted Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner a death star. Because she said to you, Frank, outside the Ivy? I was posing for a press photographer that Sunday and as she arrived she said, oh, I thought this place was for celebrities which I thought, you know I've got to tell you

I watched the television programme this week of, it was her Maggie Smith Joan Plowright four dames of the theatre, just talking about, I remember and I remember that Dickie said to me, and it about, I remember, and I remember

that Dickie said to me, and it was, I could have watched it for a whole month, nonstop. I bet there were a lot of Larry mentions. Oh, there's a lot of Larry.

Laura Larry, isn't he? Yes. Well, of course, I had to kiss him during Othello. I was covered, covered in it. It was, it was so fantastic, though.

I could have watched it all night and beyond. I recommend it. It's called something, I think, tragically, it's called There Is Nothing Like A Dame. Right. It's not up there with Murder Most Foul. Well, what is? He did murder most foul well what is he did murder

most foul so maybe Colonel Sanders was a close second anyway and thanks for listening to us

it's great to be back and still in the studio and you know why if the good Lord spares us

and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now stay in this is Frank Skinner this is If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now stay in. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.