The Frank Skinner Show - 1,2,3,4,5,6...

Episode Date: June 7, 2014

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Emily's taking the reins this week while Frank is away and she's joined by regular sub Steve Hall and Absolute Radio's own Pete Donaldson. This week the team discuss partners coming home late, standing ovations and David Beckham's latest adventure not to mention take a little trip to email corner.

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio. Good morning, this is the Frank Skinner Show. Fans of the Birmingham dialect will be disappointed to learn that Frank's not here today, but fans of a spoilt North London twang will be very excited to hear that I am. I'm Emily Dean, I'm standing in for Frank Skinner today. We miss him as ever, and we're very excited because he's filming Doctor Who currently, which is as excuses for a no-show go, it's pretty impressive. It's better than I've got back-to-back meetings. I'm not alone for once in my life. I'm joined this morning

by one of my regulars, Steve Hall in the house. Good morning. Good morning to you, Steve. I love waking up with you, which I know will be news to your heavily pregnant wife the relief i felt when you said spoilt north london twang the first half of that final word i was having palpitations okay um i look forward to examining those later i'm also joined by absolute radio institution pete donaldson and it is an institution it really is uh enjoy the institution for the next three hours well as an absolute radio institution could you tell us how we could for the next three hours well as an absolute radio institution could you tell us how we could text the show pete do you know the number i think it's 8 12 15. text cost 50 people she's done a network red well we don't we don't normally include cost pete just fyi i'm just i think it's important to you know lay out exactly what they're getting out

of this well you do but we prefer smoke and mirrors on this show my wife's been trying to mess me up because i've been trying to each time I get nervous about remembering the text number. And my wife was shouting 8-121-5. That's like my father reading a mobile number. Yes, my number is 07-17-235. Like the speaking clock. Lovely. He is rather like the speaking clock.

So, yeah, text us, as Pete just said beautifully. Or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the radio. I need to talk to you boys. I have a tale to tell. I've been looking forward to sharing this with you and the readers, because you're all like my therapist in a way. I couldn't get in with my therapist this week. She was chock-a-block because of the Kenya West wedding.

Guest-fed post-traumatic stress disorder. As all the readers are your therapists, you can invoice the show. I don't know if they've got pockets big enough, to be honest, for my problems. I had an incident. Well, I should say I have a new man in my life.

Don't ask, don't tell. It's all gone a bit US military. But it's going very well. Thank you very much for asking. We did ask, but you wouldn't tell us who he was. No, I know, but I'll distribute a fact sheet about him after the show. A portfolio. Yeah.

Of course, in Marino style. Lovely. He's a few years younger than me, so winning. Good work. Yes. Anyway, he was staying with me last week for the night, and he had a night out planned with work colleagues. I mean, it wasn't a big Hoffmeister follow the bear, you know, lads on the night out night.

An advertising campaign that he may be too young to know about as well. Oh, you're so cruel, but so right. Does he remember Hooch? Or Mad Dog 2020? I'll soon find out when he goes to my fridge tonight so he was staying at mine and he was having this dinner and he said well look is it okay it's going to be till he's still checking we're at that stage where you're still very polite with each other you don't just go out on a night out and then just turn up at somebody you've uh not been going out with for

very long i don't think oh i'll have to rethink everything i've been accepting this treatment so we had the dinner at nine. I thought nine was a bit louche, to be honest, for a dinner. I worried there might be some sophisticates nightclub involved. Louche women would be the most obvious version of that show. I'm no carbs after seven myself, but each to their own. So I said, fine, come in as late as you like. Go to a lap dancing club, bring her home.

I'm still pretending to be nice. So he goes to this dinner. I give him the keys. It gets to midnight. I think, okay, I'd like to hear from him soon. Getting a little bit like I did. Fortunately, I get a message at 12.08. Can you tell i'm being quite

forensic about this already how'd you do a chart for his arrival i've written down the exact text i can tell you what it said it says just having one more quick one yeah we've all done that one and then you come in on fire this was the the drink. Then I'm on my way. See you V soon. Two kisses. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, it's 12.08.

I'm waiting for my new man to get in touch. He just texted me and he said, I'm on my way. That's where we left things, wasn't it? Just having one more. Just having one more. Yeah. That's a sentence that tripped off your tongue very easily. I'll see you soon.

Kiss, kiss. 1257. Oh. Come on now. This is feeling like an episode of Crimewatch. It gets better. No sign. I'm starting to get a little irritable.

I've got to be up early in the morning. And also, I've done that thing again, early stages, early doors. I've arranged my hair a bit artfully. It's a bit no-makeup makeup. You're still making an effort at this stage. 1.10am. Things are getting a bit ugly now. That's an escalation over 13 minutes there.

What I've turned into, I'm checking my phone every minute. Every minute. I've turned into what my gay Scottish friend Malcolm calls angsty beard monster. Which is when you're tossing and turning all night and the other person's out. And when you're angsty beard monster, all you have to focus on is your anger

at the fact that they're not back with you the fact that you're doing it in a scottish accent makes me think it's like a long lost cousin of the family ness but they're out drinking having a laugh and so time is passing so quickly for them whereas all i'm left in the bed in the dark with nothing to think about other than how furious i am stick netflix on um let's watch the telly or something and do you i love my anger i like being angsty bed monster are you angry or are you because i when i'm like i start to like imagine morbid you know like I'll turn on the telly and it'll be like there's some major police incident. No, I don't care about that at all.

I'm just furious that they're out having a good time and I'm being angsty bed monster. So, I'm afraid things got to 1.30am. Can I just remind people that 12.08 he was just having one. Yeah. Well, one, that's half an hour. Yeah. The journey home. Yeah, but he doesn't even really drink

so one what? A peppermint tea? What's going on? What level angsty bed monster are you at? Angsty bed monster, it should be Morrissey's next album. I've gone into neighbours alwayssty bed monster, it should be Morrissey's next album, actually. I've gone into... Neighbours always said she was such a quiet type. I've gone that bad.

Things are getting really bad. So I send a very passive-aggressive text saying, are... Just a letter. I didn't even fully spell it out. Are you okay? Question mark, no kiss.

I mean, you know he's okay. That's the most upsetting thing for him. You know's much to my chagrin uh he replied so sorry i'm glad he didn't say soz oh soz hard i'll be home in a bit tuts cool cool beans so sorry i'm leaving soon ordered a cab for 145 so have to leave then well that didn't play well with me exactly that's what i said oh on your side no i wasn't thank you thank you he should have just lied he should he should he's been a lot that's the chance to lie had a cab for half 12 didn't turn up yeah good i know anyway when he I heard the door go. We did the old tricks. We know those tricks, don't we? Changed into...

Changed out the clothes downstairs, brushed the teeth downstairs, used my toothbrush, I noted. I never sanctioned that. When he came in, I totes pretended to be asleep. Amazing. Amazing.

Until I sat bolt upright and said, what time do you call this? This is really not on, you know. Wow. I think I might have said what time do you call this this is really not on you know wow i think i might have said who are you i don't even know you who is this stranger in my bed absolute absolute radio frank skinner on absolute radio i'm emily dean and i'm standing in for Frank this morning and we're discussing me turning into angsty bed monster when my man came back rather late.

We've had some sympathy. 631 has texted to say, that's unbelievable, poor Emily. I would have taken you with me and shown you off and then he ruins it. That's a great start. And then he ruins it by saying dot, dot, dot or stayed at home and given you a foot massage that genuinely makes me feel a bit sick just the show you off bit yeah it's bad enough for me yeah

okay foot massage has he not seen pulp fiction also i'm not yeah not not a fan of the foot simon page has texted to say emily you're doing a great job filling in for Frank. Thank you. Please don't do a Scottish accent again. Oh, really? Or was it not played well? I thought it was all right. I thought, you know, you could get a bit of voiceover work.

Yeah. I'd be very happy with that. But, no, we have been discussing this sort of coming home late experience. And I got very cross. Obviously, we made it up in the end and everything was fine. And I got very cross. Obviously, we made it up in the end and everything was fine. And I quite enjoyed my aggrieved housewife role. I felt I played it rather well.

Do you have a rolling pin? I think I said at one point, you're drunk, which she doesn't even really drink. But I think it just made me sound better. I had the moral high ground. My wife just doesn't care. And partly because she wears earplugs

when she sleeps and she's... She's like sort of Nora Batty figure. Well, my wife snores like a walrus she snores so late it's like a walrus is appearing on stars in their eyes doing a skrillex song that's the noise she makes and so the only time she gets annoyed is if i'm sufficiently hammered when i get in um i'll sometimes wake her up because i want to hang out can i just say apologies frank for discussing alcohol on your show so i made the mistake about two in the morning a few weeks ago i wake her up because I want to hang out Can I just say apologies Frank for discussing alcohol on your show So I made the mistake about two in the morning A few weeks ago I woke her up

And apparently, I don't remember this Apparently I forced her to watch 15 minutes Of a video on YouTube Of the CEO of a jeans company Talking you through Adequate jeans maintenance Why were you watching that Steve? Every day's Christmas.

It was the CEO of Levi's and he was saying, put them in the freezer. You don't need to wash your jeans. Put them in the freezer or spot clean or air them. You've gone very market stall holder. But my wife was apparently going,

please, I want to see. I was going, no, we've got to watch the show about the jeans. That sounds utterly hellish. I cannot think of a worse way to spend an evening. I like to sort of come home with, like, you know, little treats I might have found in the street,

like a chair leg or a bag of mannequin heads, half a tub of Greek yoghurt. Genuinely, you strike me as a bit of a late-night talker, if you don't mind me saying Pete Donaldson. What, you know, like, I certainly do sleep talking. Apparently, I woke up a few weeks ago uh just saying the words it's dog versus dog as a stay out late type i can imagine you know i'm just on my way yeah yeah i do that a lot one more but i work late so it's fine i'm reversing my sleep patterns for this

show right now so so do you ever get in trouble? God, yes. How does it manifest itself? Just general. It's like a hum in the background of just people being upset with me. In all aspects of my life. Yeah, really? Work, play. I like to think, well, we, I think, we learnt from this experience.

And I think he knows if he does it again, I'll cut all the arms of his suit off. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. Now Emily, we need to talk. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm borrowing your phrase. I have one row and you leap straight in there. I wanted to talk about David Beckham.

Well, DB, I'm always happy. I'll pull up a chair. Put the fire on. Have you seen David Beckham is launching, he's launching a TV show. Oh, yes. Called David Beckham Into the Unknown. The Rebecca Lou story, possibly.

Everything's the unknown to him, surely. He's a footballer. Yeah, that could be the longest programme ever how to make sandwiches yes certain words thesaurus no no we shouldn't be cool he went to is it the Amazon he went yes he's been on a tour of the tour a trip you don't really go on a tour of the Amazon play some party with some alligators hello amazon can you hear me here's one you won't know it's called basic hygiene can i just say absolute radio etc etc uh yes but he's been branded a wimp by uh by michael palin because he he admitted his fear of creepy crawlies who Who rattled his cage, Palin? Who rattled your cage?

Palin's seemingly angry. Palin's just there going, I've been around the world in 80 days. I like them having some sort of eight-mile face-off, though, Palin and Beckham. I mean, they probably both did it in a rather pampered way, I suppose. It's not like they were just kind of strolled in the Amazon. Palin probably had a support network, let's say.

Well, David Beckham, he said, I was like, snakes? Not a big fan of. Now, can I just say, David, I love you. I think you're really hot. But you're a grown man with four children. Don't say I was like. Then he said, spiders? Also not a big fan of.

But frogs were the thing. And then he said, I was kind of not sure I wanted to come across one, which sounded like he'd been overly mediated by Alex Ferguson. He can't even say he doesn't like frogs. But the way he was talking about it, he was talking about it like people talk when they're about to vote someone out of the Big Brother house. So it was like he was choosing to vote something out of the rainforest. Ultimately, I've got to let frogs out.

It's nothing personal, but I just think they've got a game plan. I think they've got a game plan, that's all I'm saying. I mean, who doesn't have a frog policy? You know, I have a frog policy, yes, unless in a frog chorus. And I do not endorse their work. I just love the idea of frogs having a game plan. It sounds quite an interesting thing. He said he saw something like touring around the areas of Brazil and so on.

He saw some incredibly basic huts, but apparently they will be ready as stadiums. Very good, Steve Hall. Yeah, I like, I mean, Michael Palin did go a bit postal on him, didn't he? Michael Palin said, you are a wimp, really. David Attenborough would have interviewed it. This is regarding the said frog with the game plan. But let's be honest. I mean, Frank's got strong views on David Attenborough.

I have as well. And he's really just a boxing promoter, isn't he? He's Barry Hernon's son. Because he organises fights. That's what he does. He doesn't intervene. His job is to say, leave it. We've all had a few.

Calm down. Look at this lion kicking hell out of another lion. We need to get Reg Gutteridge doing commentary on some natural history shows. No, but why doesn't he intervene? Frank has pointed this out before, and I agree with him. If there were two humans doing that, someone would have to intervene. He sees two bears going at it. He lets them get on with it.

Let's make nature documentaries pay-per-view. Let's get them like Froch vs. Groves. And you press the red button to add another bear. So it's a bear wrestling. That'd be great, an animal royal rumble. Just throw in a new animal every 30 seconds.

I'd so watch that. Frank. Frank Skinner. On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. You know I was talking earlier about angsty bed monster. ABM. Yes. And how the gentleman caller in my life. The gentleman caller in my life had

come back late and I wasn't best pleased. Some readers have texted in or tweeted I should say and advised me what to do in this situation Paul Baker says execute them Seems a rather uncompromising stance to take It's the only language they understand Yes, Sarah W says store it for future blackmail purposes

it will always come in handy I will genuinely do that And Matt Cashmore says she should uphold California's three strike sentencing law he'll learn i love he'll learn i like the fact that paul baker has put execute them and then a smiley face emoticon if only judges in the olden days had done that or indeed kim jong-il execute them lol yes not kim what's my new one kim jong-un oh kim jong-un i do apologize right honestly it's okay he's um he's very laid back and he won't have a problem with me getting his name kim jong lol that could revolutionize north korea's standing in the world have you noticed

um oon as i call him has decided he's having a bit of an image makeover isn't he he's well he's experimenting with smiling more in photos and wearing hats. Which means he looks more and more like Michael McIntyre with every photo as well. That's no bad thing. We were talking also about David Beckham this morning and Creepy Crawlygate and how he did confess to not liking Creepy Crawlies. And you see, I feel his pain

because obviously I don't like insects very much. Although, spiders I can live with. Cockroaches get out of my pub. Earwigs, they're a bit overrated. They don't have enough. Where's their PR? There's not enough of them, is there? No.

You never see an earwig. What are they? They're lacking in identity. And what about beetles? Where's your waist? Terrible bodies. Bodies are awful. Oh, but they're shiny.

Working in the fashion industry, do you prefer stick insects? Yeah, of course I do. Praying mantis, now you're talking. What's your worst insect? In fact, would you like to text us in on 8-12-15? I'm going to call it, what's your worst insect? Because I like that it's grammatically incorrect. It should, of course, be, pedants note that I am aware of this,

it should be, what's your least favourite insect? Is that right, Steve O'Keefe? I would go with that. This is Donatello's David Oliver again. Yes, it really is. But yeah, I would like to know what insects you don't like. That's the kind of strange text that we do. I really hate woodlice.

The nervous elderly men of the insect world. They never appear for any great reason. They don't come out for food. They just hang out. They're like crappy armadillos. I mean'd say that word on absolutely you're an absolute armadillos is unacceptable no a words in the morning thank you can i ask you a question with a silverfish they only appear i mean what's their purpose in libraries i've never seen one in the oh they're always in a bath, a silverfish. I had carpet moths for a very long time,

and they were right there to get rid of them. You can get some cream for that. What about you, Steve? Well, I have a lengthy story about my least favourite... Does it involve old episodes of Doctor Who? It involves no... Because all your stories involve old episodes of Doctor Who. I promise there is no Doctor Who involved,

but it may involve playing a song before we do it. Do it over the song. Steve's taking over this morning on Absolute Radio. I'm staying in this chair, you keep your hands off. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. Now, where were we, boys? We were discussing our worst insects. Oh, yes.

And I had dangled my anecdote about my least favourite insects. Yes, do tell us. Well, so this stems... In 2007, I was in Melbourne doing the Comedy Festival. Oh, I don't mean to be rude, but whenever Steve starts with... In 2007, I think this is going to be quite long. I'll try and do it... Well, it's just there's a lot of years to cover, isn't to get us up to the present day but it's not an epic saga there's no

lord of the rings about why i hate this so uh ross noble uh had a absolutely beautiful ranch uh just on the outside so i've heard but i've talked to his wife about that and uh he did a massive camp out on his acreages for all the comics who were performing. It was a magical day, and then at midnight, he took everyone for a drive in the back of his ute to try and see kangaroos in the darkness. Oh, I love that.

So it's a lovely thing with this straw-covered back of his ute, and it's a really lovely thing, and then there's a bit where he has to stop the car briefly to engage his four-wheel drive to get it up a hill. So we all pile out, and Josie Long stands up to discover that she has been sat almost, not without squashing it, she's been sat right next to a huntsman spider for the whole time. And just the bedlam. I've never seen panic.

Comedians of various stripes losing their mind. The only thing I can compare it to is, you know when an American magician on a street corner in like a run-down area does a trick and people are like running up and down the street Oh my God! That was we were reacting like someone had just

shown us a magic trick somewhere in New Mexico. It was like when I walk into a bar at the Edinburgh Festival. The comedians run. Absolute terror. They're huge, Huntsman's Boys. But Jocelyn's not big either, is she? Yeah, she's a small person. Absolute terror. They're massive. They're actually not as dangerous.

They want to be left alone. They'll deliver a bite. But just as people calmed down and everyone was... Ross had just quite casually thrown it out of his car and it was fine. Did Ross do that? Let me know. Just put it over there.

That's made me find Ross at least 14% more attractive. I like that. Yeah, but he threw it in the Jossie Long's face. It was really horrible. Steve wants to finish his story. Just as people chilled out and Ross had been the hero, he then went, of course, they always hunt in pairs. Oh.

I like that he went to go and see some kangaroos. Right, what do we need to see some kangaroos? We need to be really quiet Let's get a ute full of comedians To look at these kangaroos That's going to be the new collective noun for comedians A ute I can actually think of some more offensive ones

You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast From Absolute Radio This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter, at Frank on the Radio. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank this morning

and I'm joined by Steve Hall in the house, also known as Wicker Stevia. Oh, yeah. Now he's gone a bit creepy. And Pete Donaldson. I'm off the subs bench. What's happening with this show? Frank's not been seen for weeks

Alan had a black eye last week It's like the last days of Rome Put a shirt on Emily Honestly People turning on the webcam Or maybe turning it off Who knows We're talking this morning

You know I'm going to complete My text-ins are a little unconventional I think I've had How much does it cost to build a wall? Yeah. Last week, I had, didn't I have something about, what's your favourite Donatella? No, what's your favourite David statue?

Michelangelo or Donatella? The debate about whether it was Stratford on or up on Avon. Yes. This week, I'm doing, what's your worst insect? Someone has tweeted me and very kindly pointed out that they think that text is a bit Route 1. And what are we going to be doing next? What's your favourite colour?

Pink, FYI. Purple. I would argue they fundamentally missed the point. Yeah, but they're joining in. Yes, it's nice. We've had an overwhelming response as well. Have we? We've had some very strong answers.

Some people have texted in on 8-12-15 with suggestions that things I've never heard of. So I've been sufficiently worried I've Googled the names to make sure they are actually real things and not like something deeply smutty that no one would want to see. For the what's your worst insect. And it's not what's your least favourite because that's grammatically correct. It's what your worst insect is. Your worst not what's your least favourite, because that's grammatically correct. It's what your worst insect is. Your worstest. 982 has said,

Morning guys, in New Zealand we have the Weta, W-E-T-A. This is worth a Google. They are freaky, ugly looking things. Well, don't Google that. I've Wikipedia'd it. It's horrible. Isn't it?

Fat, horrible little things. You know when insects stop becoming hard-shouted? Is it the Jonah Hill of the insect world? They just become fleshy. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like a fleshy. Yeah, but has it got definition, the weeter? What's this person in NZ called? 982.

982. Has it got definition? Because that's what I require. A bee and a wasp, they've got a waist. You know where you stand. They're Kardashian. What I don't like is that beetle flatness i can't wear just all around if you can count it to a bar we're not interested would it kill them to work to work out and spot reduce and get some definition here's one 395 said i hate an insect called a park

town prawn they are from south africa they hiss at you when you go near them and are impossible to kill which makes it sound like it's arnold schwarzenegger playing the title role in parktown prawn that sounds like me when you come back late i'm a parktown prawn and again i've googled it to make sure because there is a worry if you type parktown prawn into google who knows what you're going to come up with but it's actually a west side story we're the parktownongs. You best not come round here. We'll hiss at you. Apparently it's a variant on a giant cricket.

Is it? Insects are disgusting. Somebody would probably say there's not even insects. Pete Donaldson! They really are. I hate them all. Do you not like any of them? I like cicadas, because they're really fascinating. Oh, but everyone says that, because you want to see them all.

Oh, I like a mojito. I'm in a bar. Oh, I'm all loose in summer days they live they live for like seven years underground and then they only come up for seven weeks and um you know do their business and then party for seven days andrew wk style that's like the man who does the voiceovers for big brother they only come up for seven weeks can i ask why didn't you get that gig you'd be brilliant at that i i found out that he had like like, a quiz show, that fella. Marcus Bentley. Marcus Bentley. He had, like, a quiz show for, like, one week or something.

And it was just him, like, I don't think you can actually see him. I think it's him going, you've won the prize. Can I say what I like? Is that you said in a beautifully northern way, he had quiz show. He had quiz show. You didn't say a quiz show. That I know. Anyway, I think you should be getting that.

If any broadcasters are listening out there, could Pete... What was that noise? That was a wonderful squeak of someone's chair, but it sounded... That was my career elevating. Excuse me. It sounded like a Parktown prawn letting its bread and fruit. This is Frank Skinner, Absolute Radio. I've been loving discussing our worst insects on Absolute Radio this morning.

I must apologise on air. I went to say part-town prawn letting rip or let fly, and I said a part-town prawn letting flip. That works. That works for me. Disgusted at my own use of language. No, I quite liked it. It was like someone on Grange Hill or something. Yeah.

Not being able to use a Category C swear word. It sounds like a Top of the Pops presenter trying to be down with a rap group. Hey, those kids are going to let flip. I thought it was more flip and eck, Tucker. Are we allowed to say that on Absolute Radio, Pete Donaldson? Tucker. You know what it's time for?

I think as I've got you both with me, and we're all naked, let's take a little wander in... Boys, have we heard from the outside world? We certainly have. Good morning, Frank, Emily and the Cockcrawl, unfortunately. Pete reads these properly, just so you know. What do you mean?

It's brilliant. No, but you read them like a proper man. Like a proper man? Yes. Like a real packed-out prop. That is... I need some calamine lotion for the burn I've just received. I didn't mean it like that.

She really flipped in your face, or whatever we said before. She really let it flip. Not like... The way Steve reads emails, emails, like his own little teapot. Steve, I'm so sorry, I can't apologise enough. I'll be like, I was like, Steve? No. This could be a new double act, the real man and the untermensch. No, I just meant we don't read them in the proper absolute radio way.

It's fine. I read like a DJ, basically. That's what you're saying. No. So it's a burn for both of us. Oh, no, I'm offending everyone. Burns left, right and centre. Honestly.

This person is, after some advice, I have recently started to learn how to drive. I had a two-hour lesson yesterday and during the lesson, the driving instructor asked me to stop and wait while he used a public toilet. Absolute disgrace. During the same lesson, he also asked me to stop and wait while he used a public toilet. Absolute disgrace.

During the same lesson, he also asked me to pull into a petrol garage so that he could fill up the tank. Surely these things are the things that he should be doing in his own time. Not while I'm paying him £20 an hour for his tuition. Should I pull him up on it or let it pass? How high do you think this rates on the Taking Liberty scale? That's indeed the question. I feel a bit annoyed but he is a nice old man he was recommended by a friend and he's done quite a job good job so

far so i said nothing at the time how uh do you think i should approach the subject if something similar happens again have any other readers experienced anything similar sincerely yours reader 3787 wow well you've gone up completelymenu with the old four digits there for a start. I like your looshness. You're crazy. What do you think about this? I'm briefly worried that that's the number in scum. I think that's 4737 Carlington.

Reference to scum on Absolute Radio this morning on The Breakfast Show. Keep it light, Steve. I have to say, I used to have a driving instructor who used to do infinitely worse things than this it was made into a film called Confessions of a Driving Instructor starring Robin Asquith

no what he used to do he was called Keith he was it was a lovely chap Jamaican chap and he would stop and

I'm not doing an accent and he would stop and he would go into the house uh it's i'm just stopping here it's okay he'd be gone for about and then a woman would answer the door and be gone for about 15 minutes hello yes i don't think he even had time to say that and then he'd always say i'm picking something up i'm dropping something off. Yeah. That's pretty incredible. So he would stop off to visit a lady for a minute. And then one time we had to go to his family house.

And all I'm saying is it wasn't the same house. One had pebble dash, the other didn't. Right. So it's like a different version of an emergency stop. An urgency stop. Who feels the need. When I bang my clipboard on the dashboard, let's have sex. They don't do that anymore, actually, do they?

What, they don't? They don't do the emergency stop anymore. Oh, do they not? No, apparently not. I don't know why they stopped it. If anyone else, in addition to what's your worst insects, you could text us in if you know why they stopped doing the emergency stop in the driving test. I think that would be a really good text in, don't you?

And if you've got any advice for this guy who's obviously in all kinds of problems. My suggestion is the next time, because the next time this bloke goes to the toilet when he's on the clock, when he returns from the toilet, he should say, what you've just done is a perfect metaphor for what you're doing with my money. Or you've got that moment where he drives up to your house,

you get in the car, you have a little bit of a chat, and then you swap places, so you both get out of the car, and while you do that, just key it. Key the whole thing. Or maybe steal something out of his car, like parts of the car, like the gear stick, something like the car manual. And every time this happens,

just keep on taking little bits of his car until you've got a full car and he's got no car. And he's got a Flintstones-style thing. He's got a pedal with his feet. I love that idea. But I'm a bit more of a fan of What's Your Favourite Colour? Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Have we had any texts this morning on 8.12.15? We have indeed on the subject of what's your worst insect. Glenn Bateman, his worst insect is ants. And he simply says, get your own cake. Thieving little creeps. Just a man asleep in a garden covered in ants and cake. To be fair, they come in peace. They mean no harm.

And what I would say about ants, sometimes if you spill some Coca-Cola, let's say, I like the way I said that. It's quite the 70s, wasn't it, referring to it in full. If you spill some Coca-Cola and then you'll see them crawling to their own little demise in a puddle. And I think this will be the great ant flood. It will go down in their history books. It's nothing to me. Can you drown an ant?

I'm confused i i what do you mean that was one of stew francis's least effective catchphrases on crackerjack can you drown an ant are you genuinely asking me that yeah he was suggesting i'm not some david attenborough figure i don't set up boxing matches between ants and earwigs it sounds like you have been though unintentionally can I just say I'm very kind to the animal kingdom? We've had a lot of hatred for earwigs. There is a strong anti-earwig consensus. Aren't earwigs a bit 70s?

Yeah, I would argue you just don't see them anymore. No. It's like white dog poo in France. They've gone the way, yeah. Well, Alan retains a fear of earwigs, even if he's not seen them. He said when he was little, his mum told him

that they get into your ears and eat your brains out. That is true. And 50 years later, he's still scared. That is true, though, in fairness.

Yeah, I'm still, it's still beetles I've got an issue with and that's to do with, That time you met Paul McCartney. No, it's to do with the fact that they don't keep in shape and work out and they have terrible terrible bodies Pete Donaldson that time you met Paul McCartney no he looks good he's got the black

trainers with the he has the little raised platform trainer you know they all wear those don't they the rock stars now with the platform in the soles, they're a little bit taller. Well, yeah, but what it is, they'll say, oh, I'm wearing a trainer anyway. Oh, looky here. It's given me an extra three inches. I know your game. Pete Donaldson. Hello. You know I was talking about angsty bed monster

earlier. Yes. In the middle of angsty bed monster gate, if anyone's just woken up, what's wrong with you sort your life out it's far too late now i was talking earlier about how my boyfriend had gotten late and i was a little bit upset yes and i was writhing around um in anger now that's on tuesdays he asked for that so during this whole incident i received a text from pete which was great because it was about one o'clock. I thought, hey, what are you doing here?

No, you didn't say that. What's going on? Are you home alone? That's the bad monster. You turned into some Mexican waiter for some reason. But no, what happened was when my boyfriend finally arrived home, I used your text and I said, I've been busy anywhere. I've had loads of people texting me. I've had a lot on and I held it up as evidence. And you'd been doing an event, hadn't you?

Yeah, we'd been doing, I do like a football podcast and we were doing some kind of live show. It's called the Football Ramble. It's very good, I should say. Football Ramble. And we were doing our very first live show down at the Arcola Theatre in East London. And as part of the...

He's plugging it now. I did not say you could plug it. There's not another one. And we did the live show, and I did a video with you talking about managerial touchline fashions and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, technical area chic. So we'd done two hours. I'm a big fan of that.

So we'd done two hours of content, and Emily's and mine's video was only like two minutes long. And I was expecting the adoring public to... I was cut to shreds. It was originally four hours long. It was. I was cut to absolute shreds. But at the end of the gig, I was effectively waiting for people to go, oh, Pete, you did a great job there, brilliant, really enjoyed that, really funny.

But every single person, bar nobody, wanted to talk about you. Oh, I love this. I was upstaged by video link. Do you know what? I love this so much, I might have to extend it into the next link. The Frank Skinner Show. Listen live every Saturday morning from 8 on Absolute Radio. What were we talking about?

This is a professional start to a link, but what were we talking about? We were talking about Pete's podcast. Oh, yes. As if you actually forgot. What were we talking about? Oh, that's right. We were talking about how everyone loves me. My brilliance.

So tell me again. Well, yeah, we did a podcast and, yeah, everybody wanted to talk about you, Emily. You know, you were seen for like two minutes out of a two-hour show. Thanks for that, Emily. You were seen for like two minutes out of a two-hour show. Thanks for that, yeah. But, you know, just a succession of 25-year-old good-looking chaps. And they were good-looking chaps, even though they're football podcast fans. Oh, it's like bosses, isn't it? It's always the wrong timing.

I've got terrible timing. I'm spoken for now. Because I briefly got confused. When you referred to technical area chic, I thought that was some kind of downstairs grooming. It's as technical as an area can get i think and that i just say like yeah yeah and if your boyfriend arrives home late he's banned from the technical area for three games let's not go let's not stray into that area that's what i say anyway don't call it the dugout uh anyway i'm glad to hear it went well it did go well thank you very much all thanks to you say anyway. Don't call it the dugout.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear it went well. It did go well, thank you very much. All thanks to you. Clearly. Clearly. I was just a little bit put out that everybody on Twitter was talking about you. Everybody in the actual Arcola Theatre was talking about you. Well, you're going to have to get used to it. I'm kind of a big deal. I didn't realise this though, Emily.

That was the most upsetting thing. You wouldn't have been in the video if I knew that. Have we had any text,? We have just in terms of housekeeping to clear up the emergency stop thing we've had quite a few responses on this I was asking whether they still do such a thing in driving tests these days there's a few different theories

they all generally agree on the main details so 639 has said the emergency stop they still do it but it's only once in every three tests, and that's because of the ABS on all cars. Oh, sorry. And Michelle, who is a driving examiner, says they no longer tap the dashboard. They hold up their hand and say, stop.

And I don't know why I held my hand up as if I was on an episode of Oprah. They hold up their hand and they say, talk to the hand. Drive to the hand. Oh, OK. Well, that was very factually accurate. So thanks very much for that, Steve. Yes.

ABS, what is it? Because I can only get angsty bed steering. I'm getting something that needs medication to clear up. Absolute, absolute radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've been having a moment of genuine joy, haven't we? Yes, but I'd rather not talk about that on Absolute Radio. Just seeing the headlines on the telly

about 90-year-old Bernard Jordan. Yes, this is the chap who has escaped from his care home to go to the D-Day celebrations. Because they wouldn't let him out. I love it. And so he just went. He just went for it. There's just pictures of all of the staff in the care home celebrating with him as he returns. He's going to get it.

He's going to be snooker balling the sock when he gets him inside. I wonder how long he's been planning it for. He's dug a tunnel. I also think he should get a PR now. He needs international representation. Yeah, advertising something as scapey. I hope he doesn't sign up to any dodgy brands.

No, but they exploit them, the elderly. You'll just see him on the brakes in between Countdown or 15 to 1. Now that we're getting on a bit, we need insurance. He could do those parky ads yeah i'd be much more likely to buy it off him and instead of like a free carriage clock you get a shovel or something so you're just gonna be swimming in totty as well just all manner of grunt if he wants it i believe he got the ferry actually well that'll be an easy one because you got the coach obviously like national express or something like that i could sign him up yeah

yes what a great idea. Arriving in style with Bernard. Well, I think he's wonderful. And Bernard, if you're listening, call me. You know what else I'd like to talk about this morning? I've been rather obsessed by this Birmingham mother, Michelle Bardsley, 35. This Birmingham mother. She's a market trader.

Well, as Frank's not here, we need to tick our Birmingham box. She's a market trader Well as Frank's not here We need to tick our Birmingham box She's a market trader She apparently spotted a UFO the other week Because this isn't the first Midland based UFO sighting They see them a lot over there No that's true, they often spot objects in the sky Isn't a ramp to material It really felt like there was a punchline

Arriving there I thought it was a criticism of the way West Brom play football while Frank's away. They see an object of the sky, it's route one all the time. Who fit out of the stadium? I wouldn't do that. I enjoy my job far too much. She filmed it though,

which was clever of her. She'd gone to the back door for a cigarette and as she said, this was her statement, she said it in her accent. Unfortunately I can only do Adrian in her accent, I can only, unfortunately, I can only do Adrian Charles' accent when I do a Birmingham accent, so it will sound rather masculine. She said, I went to the back door for cigarettes,

I looked up and there was shaped like a orb that was in the sky. I thought I'd had a few too many rum and cokes. First of all, very good Adrian Charles. Oh, is it? Okay, good. She originally said she was painting indoors, and then she goes outside for a cigarette.

She's just inhaling constant fumes. She ripped to the ufos on fumes i like that she spent 40 minutes this child's woman uh filming it and then she did what anybody does when they've seen a ufo she had to go and get her slippers and had to come back inside for her fags i love that her slippers and her fags were her priority it's such a dull video it's so good have you watched it where it moves. It's so obviously a reflection of something. I know. And it looks like football floodlights.

And I've looked at the dates of this. Solihull Moors were playing. She's from Solihull. Yeah. Solihull Moors were playing Leamington in the Conference North that evening. Why has nobody done this at the newspapers? It was a dull, ill, dull draw. Why is this down to you, Steve?

Because they're not a little bit weird. It's also the most 1970s news story I've seen in a while. They used to follow that with a dog that can say sausages or a carrot that looks like some genitalia. You know what I like, Steve, is that you can clearly see, you can see a pair of jeans moving away and some Reeboks as well. Someone's holding a torch, I think. It's like a really low-rent version of the X-Files.

It's like a pound-land X. It's like X-Files as if Shane Meadows Has directed it Yeah but they're in Birmingham Give these people a break I love Birmingham's Frank Frank Skinner On Absolute Radio

Absolute Radio What's happening? On the worst insect front On Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. What's happening? On the worst insect front. Yes. Some people have essentially written small horror stories in the shape of a text or a tweet with their worst insect. I thought that was the name of an insect. I'd love that insect. Paul from Canning Town said,

I lived in Washington, D.C., and I noticed a cockroach in the digital display of my microwave. and I noticed a cockroach in the digital display of my microwave. I then shone a torch in the back of the microwave vent holes and it was infested with them. I cannot use microwaves anymore. Oh, somebody doesn't know how microwaves work. That's how they work, cockroaches. Are they powered by cockroaches? It was a controversial episode of Tomorrow's World

where Judith Pan revealed that to the world for the first time. I paused the back off. It's full of bloomin' cockroaches. They're hard workers, cockroaches. They don't get the credit they deserve. Industrious. They are. Kim Jong-un is a big fan of them.

He employs them. And Glenn Bateman, who tweeted earlier to say why. I'm sorry to interrupt, but cockroaches, what are their bodies like? Crunchy. Delicious. Like a dime bar. I think they're quite well proportioned so i'll let them off they have waist don't they uh yeah they're mainly wing can they fly they can fly

can't they i don't actually don't actually know this could be a good no flying cockroaches don't get me started it could be like the cockerel turned into julie walters it could be the nemesis of the cockerel the cockroach yes reaching a bit there, but yes. Glenn Bateman's explaining, because he tweeted before to say he hated ants and they steal cakes. I tell you what, Glenn Bateman, he's risen. Yeah, doing much better than his brother Patrick. Yes, yes. If you're familiar with him.

A little literary joke there from Wikipedia. He said, ants completely and stealthily. I thought he said ants complete me like Doctor Evil. You had me at ants. Ants completely and stealthily hollowed out my first Holy Communion cake. It collapsed when my mum sliced it. Oh, the horror. That's like an allegory for faith.

It's what you make of it. It's only what you put in, you get out. His beliefs came crumbling. I'm glad we've been discussing religion this morning On Absolute Radio Yeah Because Frank's not here And he always does like

You know giving it a little mention He'll be back next week though won't he Is he scheduled in Let's see how things pan out today shall we This is Frank Skinner Absolute Radio You're listening to the Frank Skinner of Slip Radio. You're listening to The Frank Skinner Show this morning. I said that all wrong. I'm going to start it again.

We're not live, are we? Good. This is The Frank Skinner Show. I'm Emily Dean. I'm standing in for Frank this morning because he's off filming Doctor Who. He's got plans. You can text the show on 81215 or you can follow the show on Twitter at Frank on the Radio. I'm joined by Steve Hall in the house

Good morning and I'm also joined by Pete Donaldson I've never actually seen Doctor Who Have you not? Not a single episode Shall I start with Frank's episode? Would that be the ultimate tribute to the man who's allowed me on his show? And it's Peter Capaldi as well

I think he's going to be good I'm hoping plot wise they might play on the vague Oh no, why did you do this? You've started him now I didn't realise Itwise they might play on the vague physical similarity. Oh, no. Why did you do this? You've started him now. I didn't realise. It's like putting money in the slot. He'll just keep going. And then in 1953...

I mean, as I said, I've never seen it. I think I saw half of Doctor Who where there was an Englishman dressed up like a Chineseman. And it was a bit racist, so I turned it off. It was an old 70s one. Well that's the least of the BBC's worries right now. Yes now I saw I tuned in once and there was someone wearing a pig mask and someone going so doctor. I'm afraid I'm like I have a mortgage. Because you were in Day of the Triffids so there's a certain kind of it's like the sharks and the jets. You were actually watching Dr Pig. It was a very popular show back then. of, it's like the Sharks and the Jets. You were actually watching Dr. Pig.

It was a very popular show back then. I think it's also just because, I don't know, I mean, I have discussed this previously on ER, but I think it's partly because, you know, as you may know, Pete, my parents were actors, or my mother was an actress, often out of work, and I think a lot of our friends were into things like Doctor Who, and I would see them sitting up late into the night

drinking red wine and smoking and saying, there's a great little theatre there. I've got this terrible job on Doctor Who next week. So it just lost all its charm and magic for me. But they would probably regard that as kind of not beneath them, but back then it wouldn't be that amazing a job to be on Doctor Who. In the same way that before Star Wars started, Alec Guinness didn't want to do it.

Nobody really wanted to do it nobody really wanted to do it they just thought oh now it's something of a coup he thought I'm just terrified that Doctor Who is going to be arrested

as part of the inquiry I think we're safe with the current Doctor him and Pudsey Bear what else we were going to jump back back to email corner

shall we do the jingle again Charlie ok she stuck her thumb up It's where she stuck it up that was most alarming It was very 1980s roadshow, the way she did it Go, go Email Corner

Appropriate enough, as we are celebrating the heroics of the gentleman who represented us in Normandy 70 years ago, in particular Mr Jordan, we've had an email from Normandy. Can I just say, Pete Donaldson was suggesting, what if he never fought? That's what I'm planning to do when I get to his age, I'm going to buy some medals, you know, an evening, some way to buy medals, I don't know. Get them on eBay and just walk around and call myself Major where's the terrifying thing

at this point in time we know nothing about him other than that he's a hero oh John Kerry runs for President and everyone's all over his Vietnam career but you know

so suddenly Mr Jordan is on telling Scott well Farage has got some good points John Terry is apparently running for President which is a bit worrying

anyway as you were so an email from Normandy from Expat Prisoner 215 who says dear frank the divine miss m and mishaw cockovan you've got the cast list all wrong but never mind i have what i believe is a first world dilemma that you may be able to help me with in order to escape the stresses of life here in normandy i often like to retire to the cellar oh dear to partake in a few minutes of darts practice. I have numerous techniques that I like to employ in order to improve my admittedly rather poor skills,

but perhaps my preferred method is the 101 in 6 darts or less as seen in 80s arrows quiz bullseye. I love 80s arrows quiz. She calls it cult arrows quiz. It's nothing cult about bullseye. It was just a classic of its time. As I have heard this... It's not pulp fiction a classic of its time. As I have heard this...

It's not pulp fiction in fairness, is it? As I've heard this particular televisual classic mentioned on previous editions of your hilarious, wonderful, fulfilling show, and he's sort of written that like super smashing great

to fill in with the Bullseye thing. Oh, maybe that's what he means. Except it's a bit more... It's like an articulate Jim Bowen. It's like if Jim Bowen had done English literature. You've got two in the... I'll tell you exactly what it is. Can I tell you what it is?

I stumbled so horrifically over my Jim Bowen then. I'm going to do it for you. Stay out of the black and keep in the red. There's no room in this game for two in a bed. There we go. There you go, thank you. It's hilarious, wonderful, fulfilling. He said, I thought you might be able to help with the following question if i get a bounce out am i allowed to re-throw the dart according to the original bowen imposed rules thank you for your time okay and that's from expat prisoner 215 um as a northerner pete i'm going over to you well what's your view on this well i was um on holiday um last week and um i was playing with those uh electronic dart things i was in japan so they don with those electronic darts things. I was in Japan so they don't have

sharp darts. They just have the plastic darts. Oh really? So whatever you hit it comes up on the scoreboard because they love electronic

things out there. So everything has to be electronic and as long as it registers on the board it can bounce out. It's fine as long as it's registered

in my future darts. I must go there. I know I can't. I hate Japan. The Frank Skinner Show Listen live every Saturday morning from 8

on Absolute Radio. We've got a text from 931 on the subject of worst insects. She says her worst insect is the slug. In particular the one

Is that an insect? Surely not. I wasn't sure. Surely not. It's a late It's the first shell I would not. Yeah, I wasn't sure. Surely not. It's a late... It's the first showing for slug. I would say it was a mollusk. Ah, fair enough.

I think it's a prawn. They're protesting the one that uses their lounge and kitchen as its slime root every night. Slime root? Sounds like my dad when he was drinking, to be honest. Slime root sounds like the best club. Sounds like a lot of men I've dated. Not the current one. He's all right.

He clearly isn't, as you started showing no i took responsibility for that i think it was my fault um now i wanted to talk about uh i wanted to ask you uh you both a question um i i went last week we've told you but we're both not into that we're both very happy with the partners we have With the slugs we own We don't want to bite your slugs It's horrible Stop putting the slugs in It's an illness, I can only apologise Slug salesman Known slug salesman

Yes, Steve, sorry The good thing is if someone steals your slug They always leave a trail So last week I had one of the best One of the one of the best thing pieces of theater i've ever been to i went to see clive james give a talk oh i love clive it's just incredible it's moving funny he was reading some of his poetry it's just a a brilliant brilliant it's a real example of the fact that he someone that literate was on telly all the time and was just watched all the time

someone is counting in someone's agreeing with me someone's saying 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 that was Sandy Waugh who just signed up for Strictly Come Dancing and was practising her samba in the other room if someone hears me talking about Clive James they have to count to 10

before they punch a wall that's the new A.E. Houseman. Sandy Wars, Strictly Come Dancing warm-up. One, two, three, four, five, six. Again. One, two, three, four, five, six. One more. It's good because she usually starts her news bulletin warm-ups with really bad swear words.

Can you imagine? Yeah. Sandy, thank you for your contribution. Not at this time, two three four five six wait till you hear her late nine one which is seven eight nine ten if you'd like to hear how that ends tuna the same time next week the sandy wall counts to a million six numbers that might be my favorite ever moment on Absolute Radio. The Candyman, the Sandy War Countdown.

She doesn't know we're talking about that. Suddenly, you dropping the coffee on the desk last week feels less bad now. Oh, one, two, three. Oh, it's like Hollyoaks nights. Sandy War nights. Wait till she gets to double figures. This is Frank Skinner absolute radio where were we steve well i was midway through talking about mr clive james um who had yeah and i didn't put your mic up ah it's not the

most professional start one two three four five and david baddiel has just texted me. You know I'm on air, David Baddiel. He says, either I'm going mad, yes, I'm doing the voice, or the first hour of your show this morning was repeated in the second hour, or you told the driving instructor story twice. So that's the third thing I don't want. This is to do with the fact, Pete, would you care to explain, as an absolute radio expert? Well, I mean, it's one of two options, isn't it, really?

One is that you've done something wrong with the desk. Like you let Sandy War in. It's not out of the realm of possibility. You didn't put Steve's mic up, you know. Or he may have switched over in between. He may have listened to one hour on Absolute Radio and then maybe listened to the next hour on Absolute Radio 90s or 80s or 60s or one of the digital services, I suppose.

There you go. Thanks for saving me the cost of that text. Or a slug might have done it. That's very handy. Steve Hall. So I was talking about Clive James. Yes. Who I'm a huge fan of.

And there are certain people who are so, when you're in the presence of greatness, at the end of their performance, you stand. You should be on about my lateness. Yeah. You stand. If there are certain people.

And bear in mind what state that man's life is. Yes, exactly. He's not a well man. The courage of him. And the fact that he's utterly unfazed by it. He doesn't consider himself unlucky. He's stoic through it all. He's a national treasure.

He's a world treasure. Yes, absolutely. Although he is an Australian national treasure, which is at least 33% less significant. So at the end of the talk, everyone in the theatre stood to applaud him, apart from two people sat immediately to my right, who quite defiantly refused to stand.

And it's the sort of thing where before you shoot them a dirty look, you have to make sure there's nothing wrong with them. Right, yeah. You've got to check the legs. You don't know whether the stick might be underneath the seat. Precisely. Or they're not Britain's Fattest Man. Or they're not Jason Serkin from the Daily Telegraph,

the editor of the Daily Telegraph. It became quite apparent that there was nothing wrong with him. It was arms folded. I don't stand for this person. And so I lost my temper. I got the angriest I've ever been and just went, really? Did you? That's as angry as I dare get.

More animal than man. But I'm intrigued. What's your policy on standing ovations? I have strong views on this. I feel when it comes to the, what I call the John Arnie rise, I feel, I had it at the BAFTAs recently. I was up and down all night Were you with your boyfriend?

Yes I was But I often wear quite, seriously I wear quite tight Restrictive clothing, so it's hard for me And if I'm up for Cilla I don't want to be up five minutes later For Julie Walters I mean I'd rather be up for Julie Walters So you've got to choose when you do it

I've got to choose, and also I don't start the ovation. I'm a follower, not a leader. And you know those people that are on their feet? And this is because I have post-traumatic stress disorder because my father would stand up at the end of Hamlet or something and say, Bravo! Bravo! And sometimes say, Encore! At the end of Hamlet?

You want to see that again? Even the actors don't want to do it again as long as he didn't follow it with un fois encore un fois actually i've got a nasty feeling he might have done that at some stage this is frank skinner absolute radio What else on Absolute Radio this morning? All kinds of stuff. I just like saying that. Frank likes saying, what else? Just a call to arms.

Okay, what's happening? Yes, what other stories have you got? What's up? Do you remember Wimbledon, that tennis competition? I remember Wimbledon. Happens every bloomin' year. Last time I was there, I was there with the man from JLS and Rochelle from the Saturdays. Oh, were they still together?

Were they together? I don't know. They are still together. All right. They've got a child and all sorts. Okay. Well, you know, things change. Tennis changes people.

John Inverdale. Oh, yes. Remember that troublesome chap, I think on, was it on Five Live or something? He was talking about the Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli last year. Yes, what did he say about her again? He said she was never going to be a looker. Talking about her formative years as if he somehow knew. He should know, to be fair.

I mean, come on. But he's come back, explained his actions, why he said those horrible things about her. Yes, because the point was it was very unfeminist. He suggested that she had to try harder. Yes, because the point was it was very unfeminist. Yes. You know. Well, it was just unnecessary. He suggested that she had to try harder. Right, because she wasn't... Right, OK.

So basically, he's basically blaming Flowers and his employers about this, really. He said, it was drummed into us over and over again. Never explain, never apologise, because if you do, you'll dig an even bigger hole. So I thought, I'll just keep on going and hope that nobody heard it. He was like the Metropolitan Police in the 80s. He went on to basically blame the fact that he was on hay fever medication and he was all over the place and he was just confused. I love blaming hay fever.

Just blaming pollen. Jeremy Clarkson has terrible hay fever, doesn't he? He wants to get some of that... The BBC in the 1970s riddled with pollen. Well, Prince Philip gets it on an hourly basis. He needs some antihistamines. He sort of goes on and saw Richard Key, saw Alan Partridge, the way he explains it.

He said, of apologising to the tennis player at the Wimbledon Champions dinner, I went up to say I was sorry and her exact words to me were, don't worry about that, what do you think of my heels? And I said, they look great, which they did. So pathetic. It was pathetic, but I kind of, I didn't respect what he said. I thought it was absolutely dreadful.

But I like that he styled it out. It's a bit Hitler, lie big. Because I like an excuse and I like wriggling out of something like that he styled it out. It's a bit Hitler, lie big. Because I like an excuse, and I like wriggling out of something like that. It is that thing, that moment when you realise you've been digging yourself the hole, and that you're in way deeper than you can ever escape from. That feeling of panic, as the universe stops spinning for a moment or two.

And there's just no escape. You think, if I go really far past infinity, I might come back round and everything will be OK again. It was like when I was very late once for a... It was a history of art class, I think I was doing. And I was very late and I didn't know what to say because I'd run out of things to say. So I said, I'm really sorry, I've got a disease.

You've got a disease. I didn't specify the disease. And everyone looked horrified. Wow. And we just got on with analysing the titian. I imagine there's a lot of kids at your school turning up with gout and stuff like that. Yes, there is. We'll talk about that in a minute. You're listening to Frank Skinner's podcast from Absolute Radio.

I can exclusively reveal that Pete Donaldson made it back in time for this next link with, what would you say, Steve Hall, 15 seconds to spare? Pretty much. A professional amount of time to get back to the studio. I know how long songs are, it's fine. It was something of a nail-biter. Well, I was actually listening...

Something I hope you weren't doing, given where you were. I'd wash my hands. I've come back and there's a piece of paper next to me just saying the word gangsters on it. Oh, yeah, they're waiting for me outside. Just FYI, they'll be the ones that don't actually... They won't slow down. Right, OK, OK.

I just have to run in the car. Emily, make sure no-one goes to the toilet and leaves it a bit close. Just the word gangsters. Yeah, never cut it fine with me. Steve Hall, we were talking about excuses that one makes in the wake of John Inverdale. We were discussing John Inverdale's weak excuse.

Yes. I like that moment where you dig yourself into a hole. So my favourite horrific, pathetic excuse was... Does it involve Doctor Who? No, no Doctor Who. Other than... Could Doctor Who be included? Just include some.

Yeah. Well, it's a sort of happened in the past. So there is some sort of time travel involved. And it's a missing episode from my life yeah there you go oh lovely he always weaves it in at university my girlfriend at university every friday night at our college they would have a formal dinner where you had to be there bang on time and you'd wear a suit and all that yeah and uh i was horrifically late I was like 25 minutes late. Fashion late. Yeah, I was embarrassingly late.

And so I came in and I was so late. And I had no other excuse than I'd just taken a lot longer in the shower. I'd lost track of time. I was singing away. I think we know what was going on, but I'd rather not talk about it. And, you know, you've got to get it nice and tidy down there. It's important. Carefully quaffed in the technical area. Don't tell me.

And so I lied and pretended, because I used to cycle into our college, so I just pretended that I'd had a horrific accident and come off my bike. But the more I kept talking... Did you just tell a total lie? Yeah, I told a total lie. I was like, oh, yeah, I was really shaken up.

But then it meant that four hours later, in the bar afterwards, people would come up going, oh, you were okay, mate. I heard you had a bit of a tricky one. You all right? And I was going, oh, yeah, I was just shaking up. Thankfully, no, I think I might have some bruises in the morning. And it just became, I was tortured by my own life.

It will come back to haunt you. You had to secretly go out and, like, just put your foot through your spokes. Yeah, yeah. Just smash your back up a bit. What about when I was working for The Gap, and I said I had appendicitis? Because I had a university interview.

It was like Jude the Obscure. They couldn't accept that I had these ambitions. So I told a lie. And it was encouraged by my mother. She said, darling, just say you've got appendicitis. No one will ask. But what she didn't realise, so I took a couple of weeks off,

which I thought, great, I'll get a couple of weeks extra into the boot. When I went back, of course, they said, oh, how are you, poor thing, you're in pain. And I touched my side, and she said, it's on the other side of your appendix. Oh, dear. No, I think appendix pain can be both sides. Yeah, yeah. Can it?

It's so painful. Oh, thanks for that. I'll go back in time to 1990. You could be one of those mirror image people where their heart's on the right-hand side of Or the left-hand side, to be honest. I never worked in the app again after that. My favourite bad excuse is this Republican senator who doesn't like gay people very much. But he was found playing footsie in a public toilet with what turned out to be a police officer.

So he's obviously absolutely busted. And his excuse was, I have a wide stance when I go to the bathroom. Talk on a bit, George Michael. Absolute, Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've had an email from Matt. Oh, lovely.

A question for Emily, your resident fashion guru. Yes. I've always thought that I've always thought a grey suit brown shoe combo was a no-go. I'd like to get Emily's stance on this. I've recently bought some very smart brown shoes. My best suit is grey. You can see where I'm going here. I'm talking a three-piece light grey Hugo Boss suit with a classic handmade English brown brogue.

Good or bad, what does the Divine Miss M think? Yours in anticipation, Matt. Well, I can exclusively reveal, Matt, that you've made the correct decision that brown should go with grey. Brown with navy, I mean, you can't beat that choice. Right. I much prefer the brown slash grey. It's a bit like bird markings, and that's always a good thing.

Don't go for black. I actually, I'm not in favour of a black shoe. It's a bit murderer in a 70s drama. I don't like a black shoe. You go for a brown shoe, don't you? I go for a brown pointy shoe, yeah. I mean, what I would do in this situation is just use like a brown shoe cream on the shoe and just work upwards until

the whole suit is shiny and brown. Oh, you can't go brown with brown. Brown with brown. No. What about you, Steve Hall? I'm fond of a brown shoe. Some time ago on this show, I complained about having... Frank Skinner won't be seen in anything else, may I say? Yeah, indeed. Yeah.

I complained about having lost... I was bidding for some brown Adidas Gerdmullers on eBay... Oh, nice. ...about a year ago. I'm not being rude, but he did not stop going on about that. I'm delighted to announce last night I won some. Yay! Yeah, but what about the shoes?

It's a monkey off my back. I spent £ pounds on used shoes that is the least dignified moment of my life oh i don't know i think i can find some others all manner of grot love yeah i'm fond of a brown clip that it was actually the love that i found most objectionable about that pete donaldson it was the love i could have done with that yeah what i would say matt is you sound like you've got it going on. You sound like you've got good taste anyway. All I would avoid, I mean, there are certain looks

I would avoid. Obviously, you know how we feel about the Top Gear look, no frayed jeans. Send in a photo, Matt. We'd like to see, even if it's just for our own edification, we'd like to see how it looks. It's good that he's asking questions. No, don't send in a photo. That sounds really pervy, Steve, and I'll have none of your behaviour on that bombshell. Steve Hall, it's been in a photo. That sounds really pervy, Steve, and I'll have none of your behaviour on that bombshell.

Steve Hall, it's been lovely having you. Pete Donaldson, it's been equally lovely having you. Frank is back next week. You'll be very relieved to hear. So, lots more Birmingham. I've enjoyed it. Be seeing you. The Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. Back Saturday morning from 8. Tune in live for the full

Frank experience. Absolute Radio.