The Frank Skinner Show - 24 Carrots

Episode Date: December 2, 2023

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank hosted Absolute Radio Live and had some dressing room dramas! The team also discuss Salt Bae, a dog advent calendar and terrible school trips.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show at 81215. Follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk dot co dot uk so um kiss play their last

ever gig tonight it's the end of the road is it called a kiss goodbye it isn't it's called um the last ever gig or something like that i don't know there'll be 95 000 t-shirts with it on.

They had to get the tickets printed quickly. They didn't have time. So I've pay-per-viewed, and me and my partner and my son are getting up for 1 o'clock in the morning, and we're going to watch it live. It reminds me of when I used to get on my dad to listen to Muhammad Ali and even to Cassius Clay. I'm that old! On the radio in the morning.

And me and him would sit in the kitchen. Really weird, your dad getting you up at 2am and saying, come on, we're going down to listen to the radio. But quite exciting. So I hope it's got that feel to it. But Kiss, irreplaceable. I saw Kiss in Birmingham this year and and i said to my son said did he there his favorite band and he says did you like it i said it's like when i went to the ice cream van when i was a kid and they said do you want

a flake in it and i said yes and then they said do you want a strawberry sauce and i said yes and they said chocolate yes crush nuts yes and obviously sometimes they said crush nuts and i said no i always walk like this but um that's what a kiss kick is like everything absolutely everything anyway that'll be that'll be a fun evening so are you getting all the gear on then well Well, my son will be in full kiss outfit, the makeup, the boots, the lot. Yeah. I don't have that at my fingertips.

Where can I nip out today and get a full-size adult kiss outfit? Well, we're not far from Soho. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, but I don't want the rubber gas mask with attachments. Also, when you get the fancy dress, I do find one does have to let them breathe those things when they come out of the cellophane. Otherwise, you don't want the four-foldeds.

Yeah, but I don't want to be sitting there. You know, the four-foldeds, it's never a good look. I want to be on my own sofa. Yeah. Yeah, but I'll know. You don't get much sofa-based fancy dress, do you? Yeah, the sort of vibe of extremely late on at a Halloween party. Yeah.

Well, Emily always used to say to me, you're very clever at the fancy dress parties at Halloween because you always wear something that's all right for sitting around in after, where if you come as an aquarium with a shark in it, you start to tire and then you're thinking, oh, I can't sit down. Oh, Frank always has a slacks-based option. Oh, yeah, I remember one year, actually,

when I was UF now, and I just had a dressing gown, pyjamas and slippers. I didn't even have to get changed when I got back. That's fair. Straight into bed. Anyway, that was, I believe, his motto. Oh, God. Well, God rest his soul.

I wonder where that's gone. Anyway. 8.12.15. That'll be a good podcast. Where is Hugh Hefner's immortal soul? And have a sort of long-running vote. Well, you could have, like, two people who argue... Someone who argues for, you know, the charity work he did and that,

and someone who argues, you know, for his terrible treatment of women. Yeah. And then you could sort of have a vote on whether you think he went upstairs or downstairs, or whether he's still smouldering in purgatory. Yes, yeah, third option. Paul does his long-suffering, long-standing secretary. She called herself that.

She didn't want PA. Do you remember Mary? Oh, yeah, I think she was... I don't know what her history was, but I think she became just... I mean, our secretary. No, I know. I think her history was, but I think she became just, I mean, our secretary. No, I know, I think she always was. But I'm saying she was

involved in the organisation. So she was, you know, she knew what was going on. Oh yeah, Hefner Hell. Hefner Hell. Is this the podcast title? Yeah, I'm trying to

work it out this week on HFNA Health you're going to struggle with that Frank no I'll come up with something else

what a tremendous thing though for the 21st century debate about HFNA's eternity the HFNA council oh man of course I'm as Hugh is probably Hefner's eternity. The Hefner Council. Oh, man, of course, I'm... Hugh is probably saying it as we speak.

I'm warming to it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, um... This week, I had a lovely surprise. I was hosting Absolute Radio Live at the Palladium. That wasn't a surprise. That's in my contract. I heard it went very well.

Very well, yes. It was lovely. But last minute news came in that Pierre Novelli had been added to the bill. I don't mean he joined the police. Although he could, couldn't he? Right. He really could.

Can I tell you what? And there's something of the ITV cop about him as well. ITV cop? What does that mean? What I mean is slightly too attractive. It's like you think, oh, OK, I call them Carlton cops, where it's like, actually, I can see you playing a cop. Oh, sort of not plausibly.

Not the main cop, but the good-looking assistant. You got it, Frank. Yeah. Sexy assistant cop is a good Halloween costume. Like the guy in Sister Boniface has got, like, a good-looking copper who hangs out with her. Yeah. You remember that?

Okay. Sort of Sister Wendy type figure, but she's a detective. A nun? Yeah. And she's got just a cop who follows her around? Well, because she's sort of brought in as a consultant. Oh, it's one of those. Yeah, it's one of those.

They go, there's been a murder. Let's ring that nun again. Yeah, there was a whole episode about the whereabouts of Hefner's soul. She was brought in for a consultancy. I'd like it if they did, like, a Netflix documentary about Hefner's soul, you know, and they sit them down in the studio and they're getting mic'd up. That's my Edinburgh show next year. The whereabouts of Hector's soul.

That's what it's going to be called. So Pierre turned up. I stepped in. And did he wear the smoking jacket, Frank? I did. Did you? I couldn't see. Actually, I wore, I tried a bit of velvet on the other day myself. I was being styled.

I was being styled by the woman who... Is that Santa? No, it was someone's phone, why not? She's doing a flyby. I've been styled by the woman who styles Will.i.am. Oh. Char. Yeah.

So that was exciting. What on earth do you look like then? Well, I wore... One of the things I wore was a red satin suit. Oh, wow. How warm is that? Will we be able to see these images? Do you know Will.i.am's got a brother that lives in Yorkshire?

Did you know that? You do? I didn't know that. No, Will.i.am. Has he? Yeah. It's called Will.i.eckers-like. Oh, hang.

You did that lovely Absolute gig. It went really well. And now you're doing these silly jokes. I'm not saying there were no silly jokes in here. But I'll tell you what happened with the Absolute gig. One thing was I had a very bonding experience with the assistant producer, Jenny Foote. I arrived.

They said, we need you there for 5 30 your car will be picking you up at 4 20 i said that's early i could walk in that and they said no no it's christmas and all that you know it actually wasn't but um i said christmas hold on um and so i got there uh But I said, Christmas? Hold on. And so I got there at like quarter to five, 45 minutes before my call time. Jenny Foote was there, though. Oh, yeah. And first foot, as they say.

And then they said, oh, your dressing room's not ready. I think Alfie Bowe was in my dressing room. that was the that was the first failed joke of the night i said to the woman alfie bow i bet he's a big draw and she said yeah i think he's pretty popular and i said no i say he's alfie bow i bet he's a big draw and she said uh yeah i don't i don't know but i think he sounds... I thought, this is the beginning of the night. Anyway, they put me and Jenny in a dimly lit storeroom. Did they? For about an hour. And I found myself saying,

so, Jenny, how are you enjoying being on the show? It was a terrible sort of of how's it going so far do you know it sounds very like I'd go and see that play at the Royal Court yeah it was a bit like that it was like I was in my grotto she wasn't sitting on my lap I want to make that absolutely clear

we're doing votes on where Hugh Hefner's soul currently resides. Where are we at? Thanks for getting in touch, guys. So listen. All I can say is it's not looking great

for him at the moment. Well, that's a great vote from Chris. But let's just say we've got some ACDC coming up. Oh, no. Oh, well, he would take the main road.

Anyway, yeah, so there was a set list on the wall at the Palladiums where the absolute lie. I should explain, by the way,

the reason that everything wasn't ready is because there's a show on before us which is the Scala show, one of the other stations, the sort of classical music-y type station. Oh, when Alfie Bowe was involved?

Alfie Bowe was hosting that. Ah, okay. And I should have took our dog, actually. That's what she... You know when you put the radio on to keep your dog company at night? That's what I always put on, Scala. Oh, does she like Scala?

Well, it's lovely music, but there's no danger of it startling suddenly. Which you don't want when the dog's asleep. Oh, so Poppy likes Alfie Bowen, then Raymond likes... Half a bone, she says, I think you misheard me Misheard her, she's got that sort of Scooby Doo way of talking If only Scrappy Doo had been there to translate

Raymond Frank likes Lewis Capaldi and apparently he's not the only one, he's very popular with the dog community Lewis Capaldi is? There you go. Is that a plus? Anyway, back to you in the...

Anyway, there's a thing on the wall that said the durations. Were you down for ten minutes? Yes, and I didn't know I was down for a duration. Mine said 20 minutes. I said, you cannot go on as a compare under 20 minutes at the top that's right really bad it makes it more difficult for everyone else and the audience don't want that much from the compare anyway I did 26 so I finally got to my dressing room well actually I say my I got to a dressing room at 5.45. And then I found out that the star one had been allocated

to one of the acts on the bill, the one I'm normally in. No. Yes. Who got it? It was Pierre Navelli. I have done so much for this man. And what happened? I went to visit him in the star dressing room,

just for old time's sake. Yeah, and I said, tell him I'm not in. Yes, it was... Send him away. Anyway, the most awkward moment is the lady who looks after us, who's very nice. She put me in my second choice dressing room and she said well we'll get i'll get some snacks so she went she come in with a basket of snacks large baskets yeah it was a lot of snacks

grim's fairy tale i think by by now they were trying to compensate for my being in a store cupboard with jenny foot well hang on let's not make it sound like Jenny is part of the punishment kit. No, no, no, Jenny was doing her best to brighten that gloom. But anyway, so we said, she said, okay, I said, the problem with being in a different dressing room. Oh my God, I feel sick.

I actually feel sick. In that case, I'll leave it there. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'm sorry. What happened in that cupboard? So I'm in the... No, I'm out the cupboard. I'm in a dressing room,

but not my normal dressing room. They're treating you like Peter the Wild. I know. So I said to the lady, I said, the problem with not being in my usual dressing room is i'm worried um where's the goodie bag and she said i don't think there is a goodie bag i said well there's usually a goodie bag i don't need to be in someone else's room and they think it's theirs

i didn't know you were in the star one at this point. Luxuriating. You said, where's the goodie bag? Yeah, and she said, honestly, I've been in their office, there isn't a goodie bag. I said, well, I... At which point you leave it, yeah? I said, well, could you check? Could you just go and check? And she said, well, I'm pretty.

I said, yeah, well, you need to check, I think. So she went off. You need to check, I think. anyway she was gone maybe 10 minutes so she comes back with the goodie bag so no I don't know where that was so I'm not she wasn't up to anything it just that the whole thing had gone a bit chaotic. Well, no, I'm not judging her. No, she was lovely. But anyway, so I went through it and went straight through it.

I thought I need the goodie bag. I won't be able to carry all these snacks home in my arms. I can't believe you said where's the goodie bag. There's always a goodie bag.

What was in the goodie bag? It's not a top end goodie bag, but even so the goodie bag? It's not a top-end goodie bag, but even so, I don't want someone else getting my GB. Those GB news. They were on after us doing their garlic. Can you imagine what that was like? Yeah, I think theirs was more of a rally. Yes, yeah, I think...

Anyway, not that I've never seen it. I've never seen it. It might be lovely. What, GB News? Yeah. But anyway... In fact, they're going to use that on a poster. I don't think so.

It might be. They will. But it might be lovely. That's the best they're going to get. That's a bit optimistic. Let's face it, that's the best it could be. So anyway, I got my goodie bag and carried it home full of snacks. It sounds like it was really worth it.

You didn't have to humiliate yourself or anything. No, I left two apples in the basket. Everything else went. Because apple, I don't know why they still bother with apples, do you? Of all the things that people have just said, oh, let's not do this anymore. Electric blankets and stuff. People are persisting with apples that nobody likes.

They're often green apples as well. They're not seducing you with pink ladies. I'm not a pink lady. I love a pink lady, don't you? The only time they use apples now is in photo shoots with sexy ladies eating one in bright sunshine and it makes them look relaxed and loving life. But nobody actually liked it. You can't taste them. There's no taste in them at all.

It's like a big ball of tap water. You need to get involved with pink ladies. No, I don't think I should do that. Not at my time of life. Anyway, it was a lovely evening. We'd gone over those early teething troubles. And, yeah, it was a great crowd. And they loved me.

They absolutely loved me. I'll be straight with you. I think I was best. Goodness me. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Black crows, hard to handle. Believe me, I used to breed them.

Black crows? Yeah. There's a crow? Is that what you do if you're from the West Midlands, but you're a goth? Yeah, exactly. Not racing pigeons, but black crows. There is...

Sorry, I'm giving the lady downstairs an edit now. There is a crow that lives on a bridge on the way... Is this a riddle? This sounds like a fairy tale. Because you run poor stilt skin. No, I always sit like this. I walked to school the same way. All right, words worth.

With my child and our dog. And there's a bridge. We go over a bridge. Is this how do we get you all across the bridge without one of you eating a bag of grain? It's a bit like that. Except it's kibble. So there's a crow that lives on the bridge without one of you eating a bag of grain. It's a bit like that. Except it's kibble. So there's a crow that lives

on the bridge, basically. It just sits on that thing. And the dog doesn't like it because on a couple of occasions it just swooped down and just pecked her on the back mid-air. And then flew. Yeah. Well, you know they've got memories like humans, crows.

Yeah, they can remember. They're looking at me like I'm lying, I'm not. I don't think you're lying, I just think you're mistaken. I'm not mistaken. What, because bad puss doesn't know it, it doesn't exist. I didn't know that they've got, how did they check that? They can remember individual people, yeah. Yes, thank you.

Well, anyway. Thank you, Pierre. So it sort of owns the bridge. It is the troll that I think the Billy Goat Groff had problems with, if I remember the family name. Yes, yes, yes. The Groffs. The Groffs, yes.

Frank, Natman of Litchfield has been in touch. Okay. Birthplace of Samuel Johnson. Carry on. And Lorde, I presume. No, it wasn't his birthplace. He was just given that title, wasn't he? I, um, yes. Lord Litchfield. Yes, I can't remember who

he was. He was, uh, the Queen's cousin, I believe. Oh, everyone's the Queen's cousin. Hi there. Spotted Frank at the opera this week. Just wondered what he thought. Was that the dessert they had? Had a lovely bit of Spotted Frank at the opera this week. Just wondered what he thought... Was that the dessert they had? Had a lovely bit of Spotted Frank. Yeah, I was at the opera, yes.

I wanted to see some sort of Marx, brother. I spotted Frank at the opera this week. I just wondered what he thought of the show on a scale of Hamilton to Operation Mincemeat. Oh, it was nearer to Mincemeat. He also says, Natman of Litchfield, could he see the subtitles from The Good Seats? I could from The

Terraces, and though that helped a lot, I'd... Oh. I'm afraid he's gone low. Okay. Do we want to share the score he's given it? Yeah, go on. He'd give it 2 out of 10 for story. 10 out of 10 for music and visuals. Oh.

I didn't think we were doing opera ratings on here, but I would go... Well, it was... It's Rigoletto we went to see, and it's the story of a very successful comedian who's much hated because of his rude, unsociable manner. Where's my goody bag? Yeah. I saw Scrooge last week.

I mean, it'd be cheaper to just get a mirror. Where's my goodie bag? Yeah. I saw Scrooge last week. It'd be cheaper to just get a mirror. You didn't just see Scrooge. I think you'll find it was dedicated to you. The script was actually literally dedicated to me. By your brother-in-law. That's true. If anyone dedicates Rigoletto to me, I'm going to have to start seeing a therapist.

So, at any point watching Rigoletto, did you ever think, I don't know what anyone's complaining about. Stop singing about it. He said, it's funny, isn't it? What else do you people want? Oh, dear. So it's all about people getting their own back on this...

On this comedian. Yeah. Oh, right. Horrible encouragement. So to you, it's a horror film? about people getting their own back on this um on this comedian yeah all right horrible encouragement so see it's a horror film it was comedianist that's what it was so uh yeah i thought it was well i'll give it um for so i love that i love the story of course if someone puts one of your great nightmares on stage you have to respect that. The singing was through, I mean, it was absolutely stunning. And, you know, it's Verdi.

And what I like about Verdi, the writer of operas, is he got better as he got older. Did he? I need to grasp onto that story. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. We've had a text in from Tim in Leeds regarding the intelligence of crows. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

There's a crow at Otley Golf Club that unzips your golf bag. That sounds like a Kipling poem or something like that. There's a crow at Otley Golf Club. Do you know that poem? It's not him, but it ought to be. There's a green-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu. There's a line that says he returned again at dawn

with his coat and tunic torn. Oh, fabulous. Anyway. The road to Mandalay. There's a crow. It's not, that isn't Kipling. It's just Kipling-esque. There's a crow at Otley Golf Club

that unzips your golf bag and nicks sweets from within it. Who keeps sweets in their golf bag? How long are those guys out there? At Otley. They need a pick-me-up at Otley. It also steals your pork pie if you leave it on show.

Which I like. I like that it's the pork pie belonging to you. Yeah. As opposed to the pork pie. If you leave it on show, like some sort of loose-marled golfer. But has only been chased once when it stole my mate's pack of Marlmarled golfer, but has only been chased once when it stole my mate's pack of Marlborough Lights.

Oh, no, that would be no good. I don't like a smoking crow. I mean, their throats are sore enough by the sounds of them. Do crows smoke? The horrible noise that crows make. They're smoking 20 a day. This crow is like a sort of 70s stand-up comedian. Pork pies and cigarettes and a few sweets and a round of golf.

This crow's like an old-school entertainer. It's a burning man in crow. It's like a crow saying, get less for murder. And they are a murder of crows. Take my wife. Please. Anyway, when I was at the opera, the curtains closed.

Yeah. And they are, as you can imagine, this was at the Royal Opera House. So there are enormous red velvet curtains, sort of thing that Pierre might wear. Yes. Was there a jacket cut out to take a hole in one of the jackets? So there was gold tasseling and then there's an enormous embroidered insignia and it said ER2

and I thought oh shouldn't it be I thought they're a bit slow off the mark it's the Royal Opera House they couldn't be bothered I felt a bit bad when we had the Halloween stuff still up on

bonfire night I don't know how long since the Queen died, but, you know, get on to it. There's plenty of money at the Royal Opera House and probably seamstresses galore. When do you think, in terms of royal stuff, it can get a bit funny because sometimes things are kept for just long enough that the oldness

and wrongness of it seems quite nice? Yeah, but if I was Charles, I'd be worried. Are they thinking... How long do they think I'm going to bloody laugh? It's not worth it. If they hold on a minute, it might not be worth doing CR3. If they hold on a minute, they can go straight on to W. Would you think they've thought,

well, actually, it takes five years to stitch these enormous curtains. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, you know, that's not their place to be judging how long he's going to last. No, that's true. Is he CR as well then? Is it Rex?

Yeah, Charles Rex III. Oh, it's a bit dog-like for Rex, isn't it? It's a bit Alsatian. Then it struck me that if they continue with the Charles name, having brought it back, strangely, after two of the most unfortunate kings in English history were called Charles, nevertheless, if they stick with it. Yeah. the 6th has his baby son I can imagine him, the wife

saying so are we going to go for Charles and him saying no I don't think we can afford it because I read this week that Cristiano Ronaldo owns CR7 so if they put that insignia on for Charles the 7th it's going to cost them an absolute fortune.

Is that the...? OK, sorry. I don't think the producer's really back from holiday. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. By the way, that thing about the Royal Opera House, the idea that they haven't bothered to change the insignia, if you think about it, I mean, they had their money's worth out of the old insignia.

It's not like, oh, last time we changed it. They really did. Yeah, I mean... Maybe that's why. They must have a build-up of funds from the non-embroidering over the last 60 odd years surely maybe it's because it's been so long they've gone we don't actually remember where to go to get this done well i should think the people that embroidered that are no longer with

us yeah we'll be machine we're done with the machine now surely anyway i had a nice letter from Carol Baldock. And Carol Baldock is the editor of Orbis, the quarterly international literary journal. Sure. And I love this. I love when you go into some places and you see these, you think, I've never heard of that, but there'll be a whole world centering around that tiny journal. Yes, there'll be people saying, I was in Orbis. Yeah, exactly.

I'm raided into Orbis. Yeah. Obviously, it could be Uri Gagarin, and they'd say, no, Orbit. Oh, sorry, my English isn't great. But, yeah, so's sent me a lovely letter and this is number 200 so again you think how can they possibly survive um but they're going and i've had a flick through i've already come across a poem i don't know if i've ever told you this but whenever i um i'm going to comicCon with my son, he says, are you going to cosplay?

And I always say, yes, I'm going to go as Pa Kent. Pa Kent being the old Midwest farmer who finds the crashed rocket ship in his garden and then brings up. So he's an old guy with glasses and a cardigan and stuff. But anyway, there's a poem in here called Clark Kent Revisits the Family Farm, which I'm looking forward to. Oh, great.

My kind of stuff. So what I'm saying is that by Orbis, that's my, I think it's good to keep these journals arriving. Carol, thank you very much She's been editor for 20 years I think she said I love it So what have we heard from

Lamond Alfresco We've heard from Ruth Jordan haven't we Pierre? Of course Our regular. She said, we already heard this morning about Frank's love of a goodie bag. He's... You bet your sweet bippy.

Has he gone in for the ultimate December goodie bag, the luxury advent calendar? Maybe they make a tackiest one. And if not, why not? You know what? I haven't had an advent calendar for a while my my uh my partner's constructs one for our child and puts in um things each day and every every year about come about december the 5th she says to me, why did I start this?

But still does it. Still does it. So that's the thing. And also I had a dog as an advent calendar. Oh, yeah. The dogs do well over Christmas. So we shake it every morning, and the dog's over like a rocket and waits patiently while we open the little window.

And then what she'd really love, of course, is a fly to come out to chase for an hour. Oh, a different fly every day. Yeah, maybe a squirrel on Christmas Eve. God, imagine the threatening rustling of a squirrel in an advent calendar. Well, yeah. Oh, no. moving in your hands bursting out of the door what about if you've got a real massive like the side of a house sized advent calendar with a cat a different cat in every window for the dog the dog could just be

there every morning i like a sort of starting blocks pose waiting for it to come out some make it some don't depends where your position if you're near one of the edges you've got a chance as the cat if you're central you're going to be ripped to pieces but anyway yeah there's treats so there's treats inside uh inside the dog's advent calendar and uh three treats, 1st of December. I mean, that's set in a dangerous precedent. That is a lot. How many are they going to get come Christmas? Well, I don't know.

But that's it with advent calendars, isn't it? Just when it gets exciting, it stops. Like so many things in life. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Regarding, you told us about, was it your grandfather used to put your dad on the bar? Oh, wearing a cap. Yes. My dad was about two or three and he'd give him a flat cap and a cigarette, stand him on the bar and say look at

the little man everybody while he smoked while he smoked to be clear they didn't know they didn't know in fairness no well we've we've had uh once more they didn't care maybe they did know but they didn't care we've had an email in from uh ruth husko who's did i tell you i had an advert in an old football magazine with Stanley Matthews, probably the most famous footballer in England at the time, saying I smoke cigarettes

with a filter tip because I'm a professional athlete. Doctors recommend. Yeah, exactly. Sorry, carry on. We've had an email in from Ruth Husko Who's very funny on Twitter Who's titled it Entertainment in the black country

Ruth says Frank's comments on his grandad dressing his dad up Reminds me of the time I went round dads And his girlfriend had just put make up on the dog Oh I don't like that I turned up and the dog was wearing blue eyeshadow and blusher. I didn't question the magic, but it was the black country in the 90s.

Very little to do there between beautifying a Labrador and kicking a bottle of milk down the street, which the townsfolk still do to this day. Oh, lovely. It's hard to find a bottle of milk nowadays. I have to say, just a slight correction, that my dad on the bar smoking was a County Durham phenomenon. Oh, yeah, of course.

So every region of England has its own fun. Yes. Smoking child in Durham, Labrador with makeup. Yeah, I think the one common denominator was the flat cap, which went across as the great working class badge for the gentleman. We have also heard from, oh, who's this from actually, Pierre? I'm going to call them 082. Regard re-Charles I. Yes.

Good morning, team. I love that we get correspondence entitled, Re-Charles I. Light review. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't sure about him. Is that what it says? Good morning, team. I think we can safely say Charles I was an unlucky monarch.

But why Charles II? He was the merry monarch. I think he was one of the few to make the most of the job. Maybe Edward VI had a decent stab at it? Edward VII. Oh, Edward VII. I think he was one of the few to make the most of the job. Maybe Edward VI had a decent stab at it? Edward VII. Oh, Edward VII. I do apologise. Wasn't Charles II chased out of town like a dog and replaced by the Hanoverians?

Um, he was replaced by William of Orange. Yeah. No, that's the House of Orange. Well, even so, they kicked him out. It wasn't his daughter that they chased out, or they arranged. It's the Glorious Revolution. We shouldn't go too far into this.

The daughter of Charles I married into the House of Orange. I wouldn't want to marry into the House of Orange. And then they were brought in. It's a terrible name. Imagine Emily of Orange. Harry then they were brought in. It's a terrible name. Yeah. Imagine Emily of Orange. What's her very... Hare Krishna, they're called now. Frank of...

Frank of Orange. Is that what those parades in Northern Ireland are about? Yeah. You know what they say? Just Hare Krishna's. You know you hear about these royals called the Infanta? Yeah. They were the House of Orange.

Because it looked like they'd been sleeping in Fanta. Anyway, correct me if I'm wrong, but Charles II was chased out of town like a... I think he had to dress like a lady to escape. Did he? And he was kicked out. Oh, what about William... That's what I think.

...Fate Tan, whatever his name is. No, he did all right, yeah. Oh, what about William... That's what I think....Fate Tan, whatever his name is. No, he did all right, yeah. Oh, OK. He came over and was that worst of all things, popular. I've completely messed up my English history. What have you done? Charles II, he did all right. It was the successor, James,

who was chased out of town like a dog by William and Mary. All right, Donald Trump. Yeah. Charles, very Mary Monarch. Yeah. Chased out of town like a dog. Very Mary. Dad like a dog. Very merry. Dad, like a dog.

So, yes, I'm sorry if I've sparked anyone's O-levels, which I don't think exist anymore. No, they do the GCSEs, the easy ones. Sorry. O-level history is actually history. Yes, it is. Okay. So the orange one, I'm sorry i still sorry i will let this go yes i just didn't get how he got the gig this is weird so just giving it to some bloke saying hi i'm the

william of orange nearest friendly protestant yeah that's the problem is the one the one common denominator when you read um that long chunk of English history is that everybody hated the Catholics. Absolute radio. Imagine how that feels for me. Apart from the Catholics. Yeah, apart from the Catholics, but they were hiding in holes. Yeah, but you know, I'm over it.

In England. Yeah. So that was our one trip when I was at Catholic schools. We used to go to Harvington Hall and look at priest holes and the teacher would say, yes, this is what it used to be like for us. And we were supposed to appreciate it more. Oh, do you know, that's a good school trip.

We went to, are you familiar with Waylon Smithy? No. Okay. I'm sure some of our characters are in an oscar wilde short story waylon smithy the third i can't i don't know didn't he have some plot critical some personal traits he couldn't help telling secrets so we went on a trip there and all i know is that we went there because i found a diary i wrote about it which was you know when you write those school diaries for a school exercise

and they're very PR'd, the way you write them. They're not genuine at all. And we had a wonderful time and the teachers were so kind and let us spend all our money. Oh, really? Yes. Did you never do those? I think the dog ran off with mine. Two years after it died.

Oh, but they're so performative. We went to Ironbridge as well in Shropshire. Oh, did you? Which I think, again, I've lost all confidence now in my history, but I think Ironbridge was the first Ironbridge. And I'd like to have been at that meeting when they said, what shall we call it? And someone said, I'll be honest with you,

I've got a stage couch to catch. Like the Mexico City meeting. Yes. Yes. Yes, Friday 5pm. Exactly. Well, it's a city. It's the biggest city in Mexico.

What say? Okay. What was your school trip, Pierre? The manx museum on the isle of man oh no that's proper what's all about manchester yeah it was just a big uh a big mannequin dressed like liam gallagher okay um what about what what was your um worst school trip 8 12 15. yeah This is your worst school trip, right, 12.15? Yeah. The Manx Museum was and continues to be great.

What's in it? Some interesting dioramas. The Manx cat. Yes. Famously tailless. Yes. Are they born tailless? They are. Or do the people of the Isle of Man brutally dock them?

They're born tailless. They are. Do you still see them on the Isle of Man brutally docks them. They're born tailless. They are. Do you still see them on the Isle of Man? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're wandering about. Tailless cats. Tailless cats.

Men with heads in their chests. Marvels. Thank you, Othello. It's a great story and can I say very Moorish. Oh, my God.

I was just reading out my address. Oh, I was saying, no thank you, I'm fine. Wouldn't it be great to live at number 37 Foo Fighters Walk? The best address I ever saw was Silk Court and I thought I'd like to be number 20 Silk Court. Oh, I ever saw was Silk Court and I thought I'd like to be number 20 Silk Court.

Oh, because it's like Silk Court. But you do, I'm trying to think now, if anyone lives near a name, a sort of celebrity road with a famous name, do let us know at 12.15 because you do occasionally, you know,

you get Matt Bosby way and stuff like that by the old Man United ground but sometimes you're just driving round and you'll see one dedicated to a British Olympian from the 1970s so I love that.

We've had our wonderful readers sending in examples of school trips they went on. Oh, great. You say that. Some of these occasions are quite overwhelming. Well, obviously, I don't want them to be great. No.

I was actually reminded of one we went on, which was to Hereford Pig Auction. Oh, OK. Did you get anything? No, I did not. OK. And I don't think it was very appropriate. But anyway, it's a whole other thing. It's always that, shall I say, do you slaughter it before you get on the coach home? Or while you're in the yard? Don't take kiddies to the pig auction.

It's cruel. Now, kids, if we all club together. I remember we went to the three counties show in malvern which was a sort of agricultural show and a goat broke wind with such ferocity that it jolted about 18 inches forward and i would say we laughed about that for the next five or six terms. Yes. That sort of thing has got a lot of mileage. Oh, man. I mean, there's no need for Netflix. No. Just need a goat breaking wind.

Exactly. That was it. That was it. I'll keep you going for years. And best picture. It is, of course, the goat breaking wind. Exactly. The third year running.

Best cinematography. So, we have some stunners here. Paul Docter, sounds like one of your lot. We had a trip to a refuse incinerator in Dundee at primary school. Some sort of punishment. I wouldn't mind saying that, though. Yeah? It can be.

You know, I had a job of smashing up perfectly good furniture and throwing it into a furnace. He did, and his role was to ensure that people smashed it up properly. No, I had to do it all myself. They just gave me a slag jammer, and then I'd be in an elaborately furnished room with a furnace, and I would take a bookcase apart in maybe a mini, and then throw it all on there. Oh, my word.

What was the interview like? What questions did they ask you? I hate it. To do a job with... Perfect. What are your thoughts on furniture? We've been looking for a man like you. You're a minimalist, are you?

Remember John Hegley, the fabulous comic poet? He used to do a song called Eddie Don't Like Furniture. Yeah. And it was brilliant. And as he often was brilliant, he's still around. I'm talking as if he's no longer with us. But it's had a great rhyme.

Eddie don't like furniture. If you give him some, he'll return it to you. Oh, that is good. When you went for the interview, did they say, take a seat? And you said, I'd rather not. They went, perfect, perfect. Take a seat out with a

sawed-off shotgun no it was um in a way it was wrong because it was perfectly good furniture in a way it was wrong yeah but they what they didn't want they didn't want their old range to be sold off cheap and thus spoil the sales of their new range. Oh, they didn't understand that. So I was sort of year zero for the furniture. You were the sort of stallion. But I admit, it culminated in me being so good at it. I actually did a thing I didn't think was possible.

I set the furnace on fire. And the fire engine and that had to come and pull it out. We made our own entertainment in those days. I'd love to see you have a sort of part on Antiques Roadshow and if they bring in a sort of part on Antiques Roadshow and if they bring in a sort of bit of furniture and old dress up. It's cheap.

Yeah, yeah. And then if they go, actually, it's worthless reproduction. Frank! Yeah. You just walk on. I arrive like the mighty Thor by sledgehammer. Don't you and me and Kath watch Antiques Roadshow and shout Gotted at the telly quite a lot? Really? camera. Don't you and me and Kath watch Antiques Roadshow and show

Gotted at the telly quite a lot. Really? Because they say things like that's going to be in auction that will fetch between

three and four hundred pounds and they go oh really that's good and you just think Gotted. I know.

Gotted you thought it was ten grand you loser. It's whenever they say that much. Really? Oh well and if they say well we won't be selling it, you think, no, it's not as much as you thought it was.

That's why. Sometimes you can see in their faces the desperate need to rid themselves of this object for some reason that they'll never say on television. No. They just hated their great uncle or something. Yeah. And they'll just say,

that should only really be worth about £20. And they go, great, great. It's terrible when it's worth just like less than £100. Oh, why put it on there at all? Why mention it? Anyway. We've heard from our readers regarding school trips. Ah, yes, yes.

They went to. As we say, some of these were disappointing, but, you know, what they lost in the going, they've gained in the telling. Year 8 Geography, this is from David Iver Price, Year 8 Geography field trip to British Steel was both interesting and frightening. We had to drive through striking workers.

Oh, no. Whilst they shouted scab at us. Oh, God. Right. I mean, the teacher could have thought it through, surely. That, to be forced across the picket line. On a school trip. Yeah it through, surely. That, to be forced to cross the picket line. On a school trip. Oh, man.

Gosh. Oh, dear. We have several others, don't we, Pierre? Oh, yeah. Well, Benno has gotten in touch on Twitter. Morning, Peter. Morning, everyone. I went on a trip to the House of Parliament

while doing A-level politics. At the end, the guide told the girls there were cookery books at the bookshop, if we were interested. Oh, God. Good Lord. When was that, I wonder? Yeah, I'd like to know. I mean, if it was in the 50s, that sort of, you know. And that happened in 2019.

Possible. This is from Opia Luxor. I will share this with you. Morning, Frank and team. Long-time reader, by the way. First-time correspondent. Reschool trips. Once on a two-week foreign exchange trip to Trondheim in Norway,

we were gifted a trip to the local abattoir. As we were too young, well... LAUGHTER We weren't allowed to go and see the dispatching of said creatures. Oh, OK. But for some strange reason, we were allowed to see the end-to-end processing of extremely large cattle oh dear

i repeat we were 12 that's from mel in deepest kent in all ways a different world yes this is cold the smell's not as bad as if they'd done it in gambia yeah that's. Further to go as well for the children. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I went on a romantic trip to Norway with my partner and the first day we spent most of it in the leprosy museum.

I think it was in Bergen. Very interesting. Okay. Any souvenirs? No. No, it was, it's not, you know, yes, it's not operational anymore. We've received, well, should we continue to share these with you? Because I am enjoying the... Let's do a few more school trips and then we can we can always return to them later okay uh we've heard from 258 we were taken to a social housing

estate in wolverhampton as part of a geography trip to learn about urban developments ah we were just stood there staring at people's homes with clipboards oh no that would have gone down really well children this is where they live the people this that's from james in cod cod saul oh yeah oh man that could have gone very wrong fine people don't know if I'm over-ampt instead of at their house with a clipboard. No. Oh, dear. Aunt? Yeah? Spent an entire term studying Grace Darling in primary school in the 70s.

End of term school trip to the Grace Darling Museum in Bamburgh. Got there and it was closed. Oh, no. Ate sandwiches on the coach, went home. There's a lot of sandwiches on coach. There's a lot of sandwiches on coach. There's also lot of sandwiches on coach as a general vibe. There's also David Grace Darling she helped

with a disaster at sea. Did she not? Did she not row survivors? Oh I thought she was involved in Peter Pan.

Was she a lighthouse keeper? Was she one of the Peter Pan children? I don't think I thought this was very real.

Oh dear I apologise. I think you're right it's a lighthouse keeper that's right. I don't think this was very real. Oh dear, I apologise. I think you're right. It's a lighthouse keeper, that's right. I want to marry a lighthouse keeper who'll keep me company. Carry on. Oh, we could just use Tinder, you know. David Garston went,

said there was a trip involved where he saw a class, he was on holiday in Malta, I should say, and he saw a class, he was on holiday in Malta I should say, and he saw a class of junior school pupils being taken on a day out to the Maltese equivalent of Quick Fit watching someone change a tyre

I wonder if they learnt the dance, do you remember the quick fit? You can't get quicker than a quick fit. You can't get better than the quick fit. A weird boy too trusty. A sort of cockney, knees up kind of a cockney dance. Did you ever see them? It was a triumvirate.

And they all had sort of... Overalls on. Brightly coloured Formula One jumpsuits. Right. And they did like a big knees up and sang, you can't get quicker than a fit day. Is it quicker than better? It's quicker, I think.

We're sort of slapping their knees up and down. I could have been wrong. And then they said at the end, do you remember the payoff? We're the boys to trust. Yes. Yeah. It's one of the first examples of garage. Oh, turn off the whole station as punishment for that one.

My word. I think I would trust a mechanic less if he was dancing around in a brightly coloured jumpsuit. It's worked with me, because as a result, I do go to their garage. They don't pay me to say this. But as a result, I think that's sort of landed in my brain somewhere. And I do trust them.

On the subject of things that we get sent, people hope that we'll plug them and then we don't. Yeah. Well, I was sent, if you remember, a pink Henry Hoover recently. What happened? Did you use it? My bongo's bingo. I just thought, well, we've got a Hoover, you know, when that breaks. And then the cleaner came, took it out the box and used it.

And I said, oh, is the other one any problem? She says, no, but look at its face. OK? Good. Thanks, Kieran, on Absolute Radio. on absolute radio boys there's something that's been on my mind this morning that i would like to raise with you both uh are you do you recall salt bay firstly what another episode of Baywatch? No. Salt Bay. When we talk about Salt Bay. I would do the gesture, but that will be lost on our listeners.

Salt Bay famously held a handful of salt and then he let the salt run down his forearm onto the food and that has made him an international celebrity. Thus the modern world. His special skill is a uniquely flamboyant seasoning gesture. Yes, the internet decided that it was meme-worthy. Limb-centric seasoning, that's his speciality. He has a number of restaurants now. Yeah.

Which are in the... They get featured a lot. They're in the news a lot, aren't they? Because of the expense. He does a 24-carat gold steak. Yes, and it does look like something from a sort of Greek myth. Yes.

This enormous sort of... With the bone in, you know. Oh, yeah. And it's covered in gold leaf. I think it's 1,600 pounds or something. Yeah, and you can order it if you're mad. It'd be a terrible accident if you asked for, like, beef with carrots.

And then that thing turned up. If you're really specific about liking 24 carrots. Yeah. I asked for 24 carats. Yeah, it's part of my 24 a day. 24 carats, comma, beef. Did you see him in the world? How much is that? Do we know how much that is?

The steak, 1,600 pounds. 1,600 quid. Something like that. Would you pay that, Frank? Well, I read a review by one of the diners moaning about the prices at his restaurant, and they used... They called him...

They called him an insult to humanity. Which is harsh. Gosh. Especially given all the things humans have done over the years that are worse than putting gold on a steak. Or salt on a forearm. Gosh. Especially given all the things humans have done over the years that are worse than putting gold on a steak. Or salt on a forearm. Yes. Why does he wear those little Dracula specs?

Which he never takes off. Have you ever seen him without the Dracula? No, I wouldn't like that, you see. What? Well, I don't want somebody bringing the food up and saying, there, that's cooked. And you think, well, no, it's clearly not cooked. It's almost burned.

You've got sunglasses on. And also, these are raspberries, not blackberries. And I said, white bread. I said brown bread. I don't want someone

cooking in shades. I want them to see exactly what's going on. He also wears black surgical gloves. They're thin, actually. They're more the consistency of what I call hair dye, root touch-up

gloves. I just think I wouldn't want to pay all that money for food from someone who I first recognised from a GIF. Yes. You think, well, I don't. No, I think that's true. But he did become famous as well because I think at the World Cup, didn't he?

He did a bit of a John Terry with the Argentinian team. Do you remember this? Oh, didn't he? He ran onto the pitch and started posing with their medals. It was a bit more Simon Brodkin, wasn't it? Yeah, he just went on and got joined in, yeah. Anyway, whatever you think of him... Yeah, well, I think I don't know him.

OK. I mean, I looked him up on Wikipedia and it said personal life. Allegedly involved with charitable works. I thought, I've never seen that before. Allegedly. In other words, we don't believe it. We wouldn't want to besmirch his name. No.

But allegedly. There's talk. He's quite nice. That's nearly as good as Boris Johnson's Wikipedia. Number of children unknown, I believe it currently says. Former president of South Africa, Jacob Zuma, I think his Wikipedia number of children is estimated. Yeah.

Oh, really? That's quite a high number. Yeah. But that was the Boris thing, was it? Did you just mention that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sorry. I had a lapse.

That's all right. We all have them. Catholics at that. No, I've definitely haven't had that. Let's make that clear. We're discussing how we feel about gold-covered food. Yes. If anyone's looking for relatable concerns.

Well, we were talking about Salt Bay. How was the steak? I tasted a little bit of forearm. Sorry, Salt Bay, yes. We were talking about Salt Bay, but I would like to introduce you to, in case you're not familiar, to Salt and Vinegar Bae.

Have you heard about this character? He's a chip shop owner in south-east London. Right. And he has, he put a golden cod on the menu. What headline do you think the tabloids might have came up with for this? Goldfish. Ooh, yeah. You see, you should be working at the sun.

Yeah. Oh, Dave. Because they didn't go for that. I'm sorry, they went for cod almighty. Why? Yeah. As one might well ask. Yeah.

Oh, OK. They've seen, essentially, Why? Yeah. Why? As one might well ask. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. They've seen, essentially, an absolute open field of available puns. Yeah. And gone, no. No, I always think I would have been happier as a punster for the tabloids. There should just be one that they agree to share, like Reuters. Mm.

The central pun authority. Yeah. I like the idea of the central pun authority. Have you tried puns? I was recording. Hello, CPA, can I help you? I was recording a poetry podcast this week, and I did an accidental pun, and I said no pun intended, and I thought, I don't know if I've ever said that before in my life,

because I'm usually intending one wherever I'm going so yes a man covered a card a battered card bless you what was his name? Ozan Bakici, Turkish I believe

and Salt Bay is Turkish isn't it? Wow exactly I wish these people throwing their gold about would have bailed out my barber who closed recently. I'm now homeless. I just wander around. I was just wandering through London the other day. I saw a barber and just went in.

Really? I do. Where was the barber? It was on Goud Street. Oh, okay. It does sound like the sort of myth you'd hear from the medieval times. The Turks cover their food in gold. Yeah.

Gold and fish. I have to say, they show this golden, gold leaf-covered, battered card. It looks great. It looks like C3O droppings. C3PO droppings. I think it looks lovely. Do you not like it? It looks like the Jewels Remade Trophy

would have looked after a nuclear attack. I don't think I like the look of it. I don't like it. Do you not? No. I loved it. It looks like gold paint on sort of batter. The gold, how much did it cost him?

I think it was 90 quid, the paint cost him. Yeah, but it... They spray it, don't they? The way he's presented it. And God bless him. The chips get gold spray, the fish gets gold leaf. He did chip Jenga, didn't he? Yeah, but he did eight neatly stacked chips.

I'm already thinking I'm not going anywhere. I get eight chips. But they all do chip jenga these days. Then you get a cat's paw of moshi peas. And he's used tartar sauce to put three petals on the bottom of the grape. Looking a bit like do you remember kermit would sometimes wear a medieval jester collar yeah do you know i loved it when kermit got into character yeah because he's put it under a a cat's paw of mushy peas though it looks like

kermit was also it by the nuclear blast. His face has just been left as mush. So you think it was Kermit holding up the trophy? Hang on, can I just ask a question, Frank? Why did Kermit, with the medieval gesture column, it was green. I thought it was part of his physique.

No, no. It wasn't quite the same green. Was it not? Did you think he had some sort of skin frill? Yes, I thought it was in a detachable frill. Why did he wear it sometimes and sometimes

not? I could say that about every article of clothing you're wearing. But I wear clothing every day, whereas he was naked all the time, except occasionally he might put on a jester collar in the mean. Yeah, more cold weather. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. I tell you what we should do, Pierre, we should plug the fact that you and I are doing the Gielgud Theatre in the West End in the first two weeks of February. That's right. It's a dance interpretation of the abdication of James II. Yes, exactly.

We're just cobbling it together. Oh, I'm going to come and see that. So Pierre is my support act. Obviously, I think of him higher than that, but I can't think of him. Oh, I get two for one. Support act and accidental security. Yes, and then it's me for whatever. Okay, I'm going to get there.

Where do I have to go? Can I go online? The Gielgud. The Gielgud Theatre. I'm hiding from Alan Boudel. So, yes. So that's in February. So come to that.

How long are you doing this for please? Two weeks Okay fine In Feb I'm in So I'll watch Pierre and he'll watch me Is that what you do? Do you watch him beforehand? First show we do that

Do you? And then after that we just sit in the dressing room Eating tackies Till the cows come home And also, will you set up You like to do your little museum trips, don't you? Yeah, I don't know if we'll get a chance to do that because we're in the West End and we live in London.

The British Museum's been cleaned out now. Well, yeah, well, not yet. Room 41 is still there with the Sutton Hoo. That's true. Anyway, what else? What else? Kerry has got in touch about school trips. My daughter's school walked them 10 minutes down...

What's the name? Kerry. Okay. My daughter's school walked them 10 minutes down the road to look at the outside of our local harvester. It is not historically or architecturally significant. I pity the poor people trying to eat lunch whilst 90 10-year-old kids glared through the window at them.

That must just be a teacher who's gone, you know what, these kids need to be walked like dogs and I'm just going to make them walk down the road and look at a harvester. Well, our producer, Sarah, was just showing me a picture of what looked like a... What was it, a shack? No, it's a...

It was her and her husband... That's her new home. They sought out a place... Gilman Street. In Gilman Street, which is in California, I think. And it was the first... Ma, her husband, is a massive Green Day fan. I met him in the queue for the gig that didn't happen.

And it was their first ever gig, so they went and took photos and explored that place. I did a similar thing in, where would it be? Dusseldorf or something? That sounds right. And it was Kling Klang Studios where Kraftwerk worked. That's the most you-sounding thing ever. It was all closed off.

But I could just see there was like a mailbox and it had Hutter on it for like Ralph Hutter from Kraftwerk. I was very excited about that. That was that day out. Some other school trips, David Robinson. We went to a sewage work once with my school. Quite a lot of sewage works and industrial plants being visited.

Dan Smith's school trip to Italy broke down in Switzerland. One of the worst places to break down. Okay, exactly. Could have been the sewage farm. There's a lot of sewage works. Yeah, is there any we came back with bags of tomatoes stories.

That always used to be the sewage plant stories tomatoes grow there because tomato pips are deposited there and we have some information David Holmes says I believe that the king requested that the Royal Opera House

tabs remained oh ER okay that's what he says house tabs remained. Oh. ER. Oh, okay. Okay. That's what he says. He would say that,

wouldn't he? No, that's very nice. It's lovely. It's charming. This is recycling. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he probably did think that he's very green.

Yeah, God bless him. So listen, don't forget one o'clock this morning, Kiss's last ever gig is on pay-per-view. Sort it out. We don't want to be the only people up in the uk watching kiss um up next is sarah champion do listen to her

thank you so much for listening to us and if the good lord spares us and the creeks don't rise we'll be back again this time next week now get out.