The Frank Skinner Show - A & E

Episode Date: September 17, 2011

This weeks podcast features chat about the recently emerged Jackie O tape recordings, Frank's last night as President of the Samuel Johnson society and a fascinating A&E revelation from the Cockerel.

I've got about ten seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top-drawer comedy nights near you, thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave, at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there, too. I've run out of time, though. We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Now then, I'm with Alan Cochran. I'm Frank Skinner. Hello, Mr Radio.

And we think that we might have found a jingle for Emily Dean, but we'll have more news of that later. But we've had... I'll keep our powder dry. But you, the listeners, always, always good to ask about anything. You, the listeners, know everything. I've come to refer to you as Yougle,

because it's you, but you're a bit like a bugle. See? Never give them what they're expecting. That's my motto. No one was expecting that. No, exactly. I wasn't, Ethan. And once more, I'm profoundly regretful. Nevertheless, so it's great to be on Absolute Radio.

Only last night I was in Canterbury Cathedral being interviewed by the Archbishop of Canterbury. I say being interviewed. When I got there, I thought he was interviewing me and then there was some confusion as to whether I was interviewing him or he was interviewing me, I mean, just before we went on. I didn't have any questions up my sleeve, and his sleeves were so flared, nothing would stay there.

He keeps a lot up those sleeves, the AC, I call him. They would have tumbled out, those. How was the AC? I call him the ABFC. It makes more sense. I love it. He's the beginning, the alpha. He is.

Is he the Omega? We don't know yet. We're waiting till the end. How was he? He was great. He was great. Did he have questions? Well, we didn't really have.

We just chatted. It was nice. We talked for about, we did an hour and a half. Did an hour and a half? The great thing. We did. Still with comic sensibilities. Hour and a half. It was a bit, if youibilities Aaron R You killed it AC

If you could imagine a special theological episode of Unplanned It was Skinner and Williams Unplanned It was great One scary bit The other vicar that works at

Canterbury Cathedral came to pick us up from what they called the Dean Room. They didn't have a green room. They had a Dean Room. No, that was specially for me. You shouldn't have seen him there. Yeah, where were you? Yeah.

So we walked across. Everyone was in the cathedral at this point. So me and the Archbishop. I walked across between the archbishop and the and the vicar of um the o the ov the other vicar the other vicar and we walked across this courtyard alone and i thought this reminds me of something oh yes it's it's being executed don't you normally walk between two clergymen across a desolate courtyard. They've never even given me a big meal before. But the best thing about it is now I know this,

I'll deliberately drive through Canterbury quite a lot, so when we pass the cathedral, I can say to whoever I'm with, I've played there. Great. And did you just do the hour and a half and nothing extra? You didn't come back on for an extra bit? No, because I have to get up for the radio show. See, I was invited to dinner after.

Oh, you couldn't be wined and dined by them. No, I got out there and jumped straight into a waiting car. It was brilliant. You're like Elvis. I love it. It was like doing a bank job. There was a car waiting and we were off and out of Canterbury. Anyway, enough of my crazy old reminiscences. If you've got any

good Archbishop of Canterbury yarns, you can text us on 81215 and we'd love to hear from you. Actually, you can text us about anything you like because we love you. Well, not you, mate, but everyone else listening we're mad about. I don't like people doing that when they're listening. I feel uneasy. We've got a text in already, Frank. 712.

Dear Frank, lovely Emily. Their words, not mine, and the cockerel. Why do female celebrities always seem to exercise in an open-air park? That is true. Well, that's very true. But this is a thing that personal trainers are quite keen on, I've noticed. Is that right? Because I sometimes walk through Victoria Park Gardens on my way home, which is in London on the side of the River Thames,

where there's a statue of Rodin's The Burgers of Calais, if anyone's in town looking for public art. Nevertheless, that's my second nevertheless of the morning. I see, it is often attractive women, you know, women in, like, vests in great shape in there with, like, a big muscular man, like, kicking leather gloves. I mean, leather gloves they're wearing, muscular man kicking leather gloves. What are they? Leather gloves they're wearing, not just kicking leather gloves around the park.

Yeah, so I think it's a thing that personal trainers have done. Oh, OK. And also, I think there's a hint in this text that maybe they're hoping to be photographed. There's a bit of DeLoglio business going on. Yes, she wouldn't do that, would she? You know, I met Nancy DeLoglio. Did I tell you that? No.

She's more attractive than you might imagine. Because I've always thought... Is she? Yeah. I always thought there was a hint of Alice Cooper about her. But, yeah, I was surprised. And she's quite petite as well. Yeah.

I like the idea of her and Sven. There's an element of Bride of Frankenstein about it. You know, the dithering professor trying to build this beautiful woman. Oh, it started well, hasn't it? We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. There she goes, by the last.

The cockerel loves that track. Do you know what, I heard that on my iPod just the other day. iPhone, iPod, whatever. But it came up, so there goes the... You've got a shuttle on there, have you? There goes the no repeat guarantee. I don't suppose Absolute were to know. guarantee. I don't suppose absolute were to know. No, I don't think that includes your iPod.

I'd love it if it extended to a personal repertoire. It's quite a narrow deal in lots of ways, like so many of these deals in life. So regular listeners might remember that just about 12 months ago today, my girlfriend Kath broke her toe. It was a right old palaver. We were at a yoga weekend.

Oh, yeah. And she ran into an upturned cauldron on a lawn, caught the handle on her foot, and, well, she went down like... Sack of spuds. Yeah, exactly. And I didn't want to... Sack of Spuds came into my mind but I thought in two weeks time Kath will say to me

Did you say I was like a sack of spuds? What did you mean by that? No, I'm going to get it Last week I went after the show We often brunch after the show the team and we were in a local,

I'm going to call it a gay restaurant, I think that's fine, and we were in there. Well, it is, isn't it? I know, but it makes it so easy. The service is better. When you paused, I thought you were going to say eatery. Don't you find heterosexuals like they don't want to serve you? I agree.

Do you know, there's no attention to detail either. No! I'm getting to really dislike heterosexuals in like, they don't want to serve you. I agree. Do you know, there's no attention to detail either. No. I'm getting to really dislike heterosexuals in the catering context. I got on a train from London to Scotland, and the bloke said to me, I said, can I have the sandwich from the... He said, sorry, we've got no bread. Oh, God.

I said, we've just left one of the world's great cities. Could you not have got bread there? He said, oh, well, the thing is that the staff changes at London. And I said, hold on, is that an answer to... Have I turned two pages in this conversation? Is that an answer to the question I just asked? I don't think so. Nevertheless, third.

Third. And that's it now, that's it. The cockerel's going to crow now, three times. Oh, I haven't denied anyone, have I? Hold on, let me... I keep a list of how many denials I do on this show. Only just the one so far. So, the toe.

So anyway, I got a text saying, I think I broke my toe again. Can you meet me at the hospital? So I thought, you know, it's part of my brunch. I don't know about you, but I can't enjoy an omelette if I've got a fracture hanging over me like that. No, I'm with you there. So now she's broke the toe on her other foot.

So the doctor looked in a very sombre fashion, shook his head and said, I think this little piggy went to market day, it might be over. It was a touchy moment. When we got there, we weren't sure where A&E was. And it was a brilliant thing, I don't know if this is deliberate, but there was a lot of blood on the pavement at one point. And I said, this will be it. And sure enough, it was.

Like a sign. That cannot be deliberate. No, I hope not. An actual sign. It was quite, some of it was quite, some of it, I'm going to say congealed. I know it's early in the morning, but some of it was congealed. It was like, you know those blokes that stand holding the sign that say golf sale? It was a version of that.

Maybe there was meant to be a proper sign, but the cuts have really bitten, and they've just gone, they'll know. Look, there's big puddles of blood on the way in. Puddles of blood as a result of the cuts. Oh. Anyway, so, by the way, I saw one of those golf sale blokes on Oxford Street the other day, and he didn't have the sign. You know, they usually have a sign on a stick

that says golf sale. No, he had a jacket, and on the back it said golf sale. Now, I don't know if he'd come up with this himself, but it looked like he'd been supplied with it. It was a high-vis. Oh, of course it was a high-vis. There was a time I used to associate high-vis

with authority. I mean, respect would kick in as soon as I saw it. I know everyone's got a high-vis. And then the other day, the ultimate indignity for the high-vis with authority. I mean, respect would kick in as soon as I saw it. I know everyone's got a high-vis. And then the other day, the ultimate indignity for the high-vis Jackie, I drove behind a lorry with wood sticking out the back, wooden planks, and someone had hung a high-vis

Jackie on it. You know, they put a rag on the back. Just as an afterthought. Yeah, just as a sort of watch out for the wood. Well, very good common sense move there. I once walked into a plank that was on top of a van. Man walked into a plank? On my way to college and knocked myself out nearly. You walked into a plank on the back of a van?

Yeah. You've got any more North of England anecdotes you'd like to share with us? Actually, a story took place in Cardiff, but whatever. Well, you know, it's a... North of England, w whatever. Well, you know, it's north of England, Wales. Same thing. Oh, it was... So was the experience...

I respect your hospital confidence, Frank, because I cut my finger this week. It was a gusher. I didn't go to any. I toyed with the idea and I was scared. Well, I just felt my injuries were insufficient and I thought the doctors would shout at me. I'm always really terrified.

Well, Cass was worried the fact that it wasn't as broken as the last toe because it wasn't sticking out at 90 degree angles. So she was a bit worried, but they were fine about it. They're happy for the company people working at A&E. It's a great place, A&E, in that it's like in no other context would this be acceptable.

It was a middle-aged woman sitting there, glasses on, not very well kept hair, and covered in, face completely covered in, not completely covered, but quite bloody, sitting there with her husband, and I thought, oh, my God. She turned to the husband and said, what time's X Factor on? And I thought, this is brilliant, brilliant if this was on a boss it would be an outrage but you know it's fine absolutely fine the most shocking thing that happened to me was the receptionist it was about 50 I said oh what when I walked in so I've just been listening to you on the radio and I thought oh great she said oh god she said he was on there forever you're listening to you on the radio? And I thought, oh, great. She said, oh, God, she said, he was on there forever. You're listening to

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Killers. Uh, human. I, um, I'd like to say, you know that bit on Strictly Come Dancing when they say, and now our professional dancers, I'd like to see them dance into that, are we, are we human

or are we dancers? Ending with a big close-up of Anton de Bet looking straight into camera. It'd be brilliant. We've had some texts in on 8.12.15. Good news. I told you people were listening. I know.

Very worrying. We've had from 120, Dave Swift from sales here, not enjoying the show. I think that's a little callback. Yes, I should explain. I was on Radio 5 Live on Thursday at a station I have criticised in the past on this show for being Radio 4 for Dave Swift in the sales department. And so that's him, the mythical figure of Dave Swift.

Did you go Bacon? Richard Bacon called me on it, as they say. He said, I've heard you've been criticising Five Live. He said, you know, what don't you like about Five Live? So we discussed that. That was 20 minutes. That makes me feel slightly billiest, the thought of that conversation. Yeah, well, it was, you know, I was on there.

As you said, you don't mind coming on here and selling your book, do you? Which was a fair point. But we were talking, and a man came in and sat at my right hand. Not on my right hand, at my right hand. So we were carrying on talking. And I looked, and it was Jermaine Jacks, because people are always in and out.

People are in and out reading the news and the weather. I like him at your right hand very people. So we're chatting. He never said anything. This bloke just crept in just out of my eye shot. And I looked across. And so we carried on talking. You know, he crept in very silently because it was the radio.

And I said to Richard Beck, I said, oh, sorry, i can't just sit here with jimmy jackson's coming sat next to me not even referred to me and he smelled great oh did he oh good i'm glad you said great yeah that was the end of the sentence oh no it was the end of the series no he smelled i mean he's if you imagine if there was an explosion at the body shop right that's what he smelled lovely. In a good way. No, he smelled lovely. I actually...

I said to him, you know, God, you... You smell lovely, Jermaine. He must have thought you were a freak. No, no. He said... Well, you know, compared to what he's used to.

Yeah. You were a voice of sanity. That's a ghost song, wouldn't you, if Jermaine Jackson sang it. He was a bit of a weirdo, wasn't he? I've never met his like in my time. You know, he's a very gentle, very sweet man.

And he said, yeah, I get it from the Middle East. Whatever this... Did he mean his perfume? He meant the perfume. I think it was a moisturiser. Because he simulated rubbing it on his neck as he spoke. Unless that was his on-air way of saying, I'll strangle you if you speak to me once more.

But he seemed very sweet. I don't know the difference between eau de toilette and aftershave. What's the difference there? Oh, eau de toilette. Didshave what's what's the difference there what's oh oh toilet did I give you that steely look yeah I'd like to string into an area oh the toilet is just um that's French yes and after show is English oh no oh do toilet also it's a weaker version Frank it's a watered-down you don't have to you don't have to just do it after shaving without the toilet you can put you can dab a bit of older toilette on whenever you feel like it.

On more often. Whereas after shaving, obviously, it's to close them pores. Yeah. Stings, though. Anyway, that's not what we're... We've had... It's actually an email. It's an unusual email, and I rather like it. It's an anecdote concerning... it's called ABFC story. I did ask for any Archbishop of Canterbury anecdotes this morning.

Oh, there you go. Of course. I hope Vicky Blight didn't ask for this on her show and no repeat guarantee has gone out the window. Because I know it's a common theme on commercial radio. The Archbishop of Canterbury's various activities. Anyway, what have we got? This is from Alex. When he was a young

academic in oxford in the 80s this is the abfc he told a story about getting his first parish oh i love those anecdotes he and his wife moved into the vicarage and for supper the night before the night before he was installed on the sunday morning he and mrs w had a lovely black currant fall they'd made from berries they'd found in the garden. Oh, they live off the land, don't they? That's nice. Once they got the place after the Reformation, they made the most of it.

OK, so they've had... Yeah, they've had that. When he walked down the aisle on a Sunday morning, he couldn't feel his feet touching the ground and thought he was having a religious experience. Wow. At lunch afterwards, they finished off the fall and were really, really unwell.

The blackcurrant bush, deadly nightshade. Ooh. At lunch afterwards, they finished off the fall and were really, really unwell. The blackcurrant bush, deadly nightshade. I mean, this is a bit like... You know that story about Rasputin the mad monk, when they sort of stabbed him 17 times and gave him poison and tried to drown him, but they still couldn't kill him. There's a suggestion that the archbishop of Canterbury is immortal. Yeah, he's got an immunity to it. You didn't have a sip of his cordial last night, did you?

No, I didn't. And I didn't go anywhere near his full. He just sat at the side with a hat with bells on, saying, I'm uncle. Just to talk to a Catholic. It was... I didn't like him. I found him creepy. And, yeah, he had, like, one, I didn't like him. I found him creepy. And, uh,

yeah, he had, like, one big foot. One small one. We are Absolute Radio, and right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Now, cleanliness, they say, is next to godliness, but only in a really

rubbish dictionary. That's, uh, some of the material I should be using tonight. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I've been the president of the Samuel Johnson Society. Samuel Johnson was an 18th century writer and he wrote a big dictionary. I remember your induction. Yeah, and I have to hand it over to him.

My term is up. It's that thing you know it's like remember when gordon brown stood in outside number 10 down the street gave that emotional sort of fair well obviously it hasn't gone that badly but i i hand over tonight and they the bloke uh phoned me up and he said uh you know, you have to hand over to the new president. And I said, who is he? And he says, Susie Dent. And I said, oh, she's great in the Bond films. It's a very bad line.

I don't mean that was a bad line. I mean, the telephone thing was a bad... And Susie Dent is actually... See, I thought you said Julie Dent. Can I say... Oh, Countdown. No, she's the Countdown lady. Yeah, she's from Dictionary Corner. She's from Dictionary Corner, yeah.

Did I ever tell you that Judi Dench... I was once having my photo taken outside the Ivy, which is quite a sort of posh restaurant in London. If you're going to get it done anywhere, do it there. Yeah, well, it was a press thing. It wasn't just a friend doing my photo. And a car pulled up and Dame Julie Dench got out. And as she went past, I heard her say,

I thought this place was for celebrities. She didn't. She zinged you. You got zinged by Dame Julie. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, she's got that look. I didn't know she had it in her. Oh, yeah, she's got that look about her, don't you think? Oh, she's turned.

Oh, wow. She's a woman very at home with a grimace. Yeah. I hope you fired something back like that. No, I was taken aback to be cut down by Judi Dench. I mean, for goodness sake. She trampled you underfoot by the sounds of it. Yeah, but she looks like that.

I mean, in the Bond film, she looks... Yeah. I tell you what she looks like that. I mean, in the Bond film, she looks... I tell you what she looks like. The director says, OK, Dame Judy, we're just getting ready for this take now. And she'll say, OK, Karen. And a personal assistant will come over with a silver tray with a shot glass full of malt vinegar.

She just knocks that back and then her face is in there. James, you're not making this any easier. That horrible pinched, pinched face of hers. Pinched. Anyway, it's not her. It's not her. Well, I'm glad to hear it after her appalling behaviour. So is Susie Dent...

In a way, I just did. She's a well-known... She's a lexicographer. I've heard that. No, she's married with two kids. She... She's a lexicographer. She is. I've heard that. No, she's married with two kids. She, uh... She's very nice. Very, uh... Yeah.

That great combination we all like of, um, you know, um, attractive, but with brains, you know. Attractive and bookish. Oh, I'm glad you said with brains. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she's, yeah, she knows all the words. Mm.

She knows all the words. She's the one. She's a pulse dictionary. Yeah. Well, she's, yeah, she knows all the words. She knows all the words. She's the one. She's a whole section race. Yeah, but you know when she'll sit next to someone like Giles Brandreth on there, and then when they go over to them for a seven-letter word, the celebrity sometimes will say the word like they've thought of it. Yeah. Yeah, right.

Or like when they pretend they've done, they had the same answer. Can't bear that. Yeah, I had the same one. Of course, we may recall that the Cockerell's a bit keen on the other lady. Yes. She's nice. She's nice.

She's, can I say this? She's a very attractive woman indeed. She's very, when she turns into profile, there's an element of Seaside Postcard about her figure. She's very, do you know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with that. The corporal. She has, how can I put this?

Because I love Countdown and also I don't like making crude remarks about females. But she's got one of those behinds with an element of bay window. Do you know what I think you call it? No, because I've got a behind like that. We call it junk in the trunk. Is that what it is? Yeah, a bit of junk in the trunk. Yeah, her behind could take a lace curtain.

And, you know, a postman would be knocking on her left thigh thinking it was a small house. This isn't the conversation you're going to have with Susie Dent. No, I won't be mentioning that, no. But I like the idea of going out with someone that, if it rains, you can shelter under them. Yes. Which I think you could. going out with someone that if it rains, you can shelter under them. Yes. Which I think you could.

But Susie doesn't know. Well, she always sits, so who knows? I won't be looking. But anyway, I have to do a speech in which I hand over the presidency. Oh. So I've written some stuff and that. But I thought, you know, we've got some very, very witty people listening to this show. We get some very funny texts coming, as you know, we've got some very, very witty people listening to this show. We get some very funny texts coming in, as you know.

And I thought, well, what about if our listeners come up with some lines for tonight's speech at Samuel Johnson dinner? So that's basically the ingredients. I mean, I know these will all be puns. Try and fight the puns if you can. But if you can't, just enjoy yourself. You've got a few gaps in the script or something. Well, no, but I thought it would be nice to have an appendix, as she'd probably call it, at the end,

when I say, and I asked about this, and this was some of the best. So that's the sort of ingredients. It's a Samuel Johnson, who was an 18th century writer, dictionaries, Susie Dent, Countdown. You could say something like, ooh, coming up with some jokes for this was a bit of a conundrum.

Yes. Well, I've already... Shall I tell you this? Have you got one already? Oh, OK. Anyway, if you've got any gags, text in and we'd love to... I'll tell you, I'm not going to tell this on there, because if they're listening, it'll spoil it for tonight.

But when I was at Warwick University, when I was a student, it started Countdown 1982. OK. And we loved it so much that we used to play it in the halls of residence, all with these loads of bits of paper and stuff. So we cut it up between us, and I used to be like the question master person. And it was great. Some of them were on drugs. I didn't ask.

But we used to do a numbers round and a letters round, but obviously, being a Catholic, I wasn't allowed to use a conundrum. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. That was Call Me by Blondie. That was Debbie Harry, not Hitler's Alsatian. That's what you think.

No, I think Hitler did call him. Otherwise he'd go wandering off. You know what they're like. Next thing you know, he's in Poland. Oh, no, he kept a pretty tight rein. That's how the invasion started. He was just following, he was looking for the dog. Tight rein.

He kept a tight rein on Blondie, Frank. I don't know if it was a rein. It was more of a leash, wasn't it? Was it an Alsatian, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, Blondie the Alsatian. Not a German Shepherd. Definitely just the same dog in it. It is the same dog, yeah.

Now we only like Blondies. If it had been in the gossip columns that the Fuhrer kept a German shepherd in his bunker, I think it was... Spotted. I'd imagine some old man with a crook in there. It was some sort of... Yeah, spotted.

The Fuhrer stepping out. Goose stepping out. Anyway, that's enough about that. Although I know... I love Third Reich AM. Yeah, that's... about that. Although I know... I love Third Reich AM. Yeah, that's... When I got up... When I got out of the car,

I get a car into Absolute Radio, and when I got out of the car, I'm pretty sure the driver said, OK, death's head. What? I think he said death's head when I got out of the car, and I just went, yeah, have a nice day. I thought, I don't want to ask him about it.

But it really sounded... I don't know if it was a comment on my gaunt feeling or some terrible prediction. Anyway. Well, I've got some news that'll brighten your day. Good. It's about me. We've had some emails in during the week, Frank.

And I love a midweek emailer this was a suggestion for an emily dean jingle yes as i pointed out earlier that um alan cochran very early on this show someone was calling him the cockerel one of our listeners and that's absolutely stuck so his His jingle is... Mine is... Hello, Mr Radio. But one of the things I like, by the way, is that no-one has texted in and said, how dare you choose Mr Radio? I've just been allowed to get away with that. Yeah.

Incredible. It's under the net. Well done. Yeah, I mean, Neil Fox must be livid. Anyway. I think of him, actually, as as a mature radio. Oh, yeah. I haven't had one. No. So... Not for a while. So, I was delighted this week. We've had four people, Frank, four, that's quite a lot for us, emailing in with suggestions. That's half a week's worth. And it's pretty unanimous. Yes. Yes. Well, in fact,

it is unanimous. So who texted in? Okay, so we've had Jeff, we've had Alex, we've had... We've had Jeff Wilson, Alex Hutchings. Oh, he's doing surnames, he's good. Matt Black. That's presumably a joke. That might be a joke, mightn't it? It might not.

And we also had Ian Robinson. And they all said the same thing. They all said the same thing, yeah. Now, I should point out that Emily's surname is Dean, in case there's anyone who doesn't know that. And this, this was their suggestion.

I love it. And it's Pearl Dean advertising from me. Pearl and Dean, yeah. See, when I heard that, I always remembered it as someone going... So did I. But I'm thinking maybe that was that voice message I got from Gareth Gates. I was thinking of. But no, didn't it used to be people going...

It was kind of 70 Session Singers, but I do love that. I'm so pleased with that. We're not really covering the Pearl aspect. Can I say that? No, but you are a lady of fashion. Oh, I am, exactly. There we go. No stranger to a Pearl. Frank. Oh, I am, exactly. There we go. Yeah. No stranger to a...

Frank! What? A sister fashion thing. Maybe I'm going to... If you're going to go radio adverts, I'm going to get... SRB! SRB!

A sausage in a roll in a box for me. Although, as a Catholic, there was always something that made me uneasy about that. I don't know what it was. Frank, have we got time for the other email? We don't, because we have adverts, we have news. We got pig iron! We got all pig iron!

I haven't done that for a long time. You know what? It felt good. It felt really good. I felt my fingers, they split into pairs instinctively, so they looked slightly like pig's feet as I sang it. It's a funny old world, isn't it? We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Alan Cochran and Emily Dean. That's great. It's really fitting. Is it? it yeah i've never heard it in daylight before i think it's fitting because you know you will get at least two hours of drama with me yes well that is true frank we've had a text in 553 well i say 553, 553, the sausage in... Go on. It's actually Yvette from West Brom. Oh, Yvette. She's not Yvette. She's called it.

Yvette from West Brom, OK. This is an A&E. You know you were talking about your A&E incident. Yes. Yvette says, I dropped a flower pot on my foot and broke my toe. I also walked into a sign on Asda car park and knocked myself out. Oh, I think that's some solidarity with me for walking into the plank on the top of the

back. Oh yes, you're right. Is that the same day that Yvette did that? Presumably. She's unlucky. I bet she's wishing she'd bought that lucky heather now. I just imagine her wandering about on crutches with a bandaged foot and an eye patch on or something. A bandage

round the head. Poor Yvette. I have... I was bad enough living in West Bromwich with an exotic name like Yvette. I imagine it's only a matter of time before she's driven out of town like a wild dog. I have a couple of A&E things to mention. I think I'm possibly the only person in this radio studio that appeared in the Granada TV series A&E. Oh, I always thought that was George Clooney.

Always and everyone, I think they called it. Oh, yes. You are looking at the actor who played Jason, the asthmatic. No. Yeah, did too. I like the sound of Jason, the asthmatic. It's like Peter the Wild. Jason, the asthmatic. Jason, the asthmatic is that jason the asthmatic

was it how old were you i asked that because if you're a child actor as well you get out now no i'm not a child actor i studied i studied acting as as an adult did you so i never knew that yeah i went to drama school strut and fret my hour upon the stage with the best of them I can, yeah, yeah. I don't know how I got it, but I did. I mean, you were a bit late for Northern Angry Young Men kitchen sink drama. Yeah, you needed to be around in the 60s. I could see you as Joe Lambton, man at the top.

I'll tell you what, I've got a touch of the Jimmy Porter about me when I get to you. Do you know, I can see that. Yes, I used to be very looked back in anger until I got rid of the rearview mirror, as you know. Yeah, I never knew that. The things you discover about people when you're doing a radio show.

I was in it with Martin Shaw. Was it Martin Shaw? Martin Shaw, who played Elvis in the first stage version of The Elvis Story. Well, can I just say there's an interesting connection here. Well, he's more known for The Professionals, isn't he? Well, yes, which I was in. Oh, of course.

You were in The Professionals. I feel so... I imagine listeners now are thinking, what is this that we are in? I worked in a drop four jings in Langley Green. And we had very little outlet for our thespian tendencies. Yeah. Five all the things. Yeah. Five tonne hammers.

Did they not sing or whistle while they worked? No. I remember Joe Massey once took me outside. It was winter and it was dark and he looked up at the sky. He said, you see that? Sure sign. I had no idea what he was talking about. I nodded sagely and we went back into the amlas do you think he meant that there was rain on the way or something like that there was just some cloud in the sky no sign of to be honest there was a

large um sign advertising deodorant looking back that might have been pertinent well I never knew that so you were in a what else were you in? But I've also been in A&E I've been in the relay Oh, the relay Well, not many people have been in both I have a story that I... It's a story

You've got a story? Shall we sit cross-legged on the floor? Is he going to be in the realms of Stig of the Dump? I've turned the fire on Absolutely true You know, you said that you saw in A&E A woman with blood on her face having a chat yeah i spent i think about four hours in a and e wearing a karate suit once did you yeah i uh i entered a karate competition i used to be quite keen i thought

you're gonna say that you were in the when they tried a live version of hong kong i thought it was a red or black stunt gone wrong. I was quite a keen karateka, which means student of karate. It's all coming out, isn't it? What a cool actor. Martial artist. There's a lot hidden down there. I entered a competition. A bloke turned up at the

club that I used to go to and he was a bit of an odd man and he went, oh, there's a competition on in York. Does anybody want to come? And nobody else wanted to go. Perhaps the rest of them, with wisdom, thought, I'm not spending a day with him. I went. The only rule that you had to abide by was that you had to have a box. So I think I borrowed a cricket box off somebody.

Oh, that kind of a box. A groin guard. Let's call it groin guard. Sadly, no rule that you had to have a gum shield. I learned that lesson the hard way. I did a sparring, popped a guy on the mouth, got him, split second later, he got me right on the chin and my top tooth went in my lip and out the bottom. Yeah, stitches.

Brilliant. Like a clasp. Like a clasp on a small handbag. It was horrible, though. I mean, I ended up back on my line with a blood-stained gi. Back on the hockey? I was back on the hockey. Do they call it the hockey? He knows all the terms, doesn't he? They don't call it the hockey.

And you ended up in there. It would be great if they had two hockeys for a karate competition, but no. Well, karate and acting, just two of the arrows in the cockerel's quiver. The cockerel's quiver, of course, was a 1950s dance craze. I don't know if you remember. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had an email in, and it's one I rather like.

Dear Cockerel The. In brackets. Yes. Is that his phone book entry? After you said that thinking of lime pickle makes your mouth water, well, we should just allow the Cockerel to explain, you did say that. Even saying the words lime pickle makes my mouth water, it's gone. It's gone. I can see. I'm having a gosher.

No, it's worked with me. Oh, love it. Are we allowed to mention what a shop is, Frank? What a shop is. Are we allowed to mention the name of a shop? I was in Pret-a-Manger and saw that they now have curry and lime pickle flavour crisps. Although my reaction was one of disgust,

I thought that I should let you know in case you want to avail yourself of this creation. Well, it's funny... This is from Deeper, Frank. Deeper, OK. Oh, is it Deeper, whose dad is... Yes, he says, by the way, my father's name, Popat, is the Gujarati word for parrot. Although this is his real name, not a nickname, it's not in the least bit weird for a Gujarati person to be called this.

Maybe one day the Cockerel and Junior Cockerel will be included in the big book of baby names. That's nice. Gujarati. You cannot be a Gujarati person, can you? It's a language. Yes, that's correct. His dad is called Parrot. That's his real name. Popat, which means parrot, yeah.

I hope that does catch on as an English name. That's what I think Nicolas Cage should call his son. And that other American actor, you know, Tony Droppings. God. OK, never mind that, Frank. We've got the crisps right here. I know. I'm so excited. We've sent out Sarah, our new assistant producer, associate producer.

Which one is he? Assistant. Assistant, okay. Emma the producer. Just to make sure that the ranks were all very clear. The way she said it. Anyway, this is a Corrie lime pickle. This is a touch of the food programme on Radio 4, isn't it?

Oh, here we go. Cockerel, I'm watching your mouth. Oh! Listen to that. No, here we go. Is it? Cockerel, I'm watching your mouth. Oh! Listen to that. No, can you not? See, now you've named the shop, you'd better like it or be sued. Lovely.

Well, it tastes like curry. For the listener at home, Emily is crying and I'm on my second one. I'm on my second one, but I tell you, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I don on my second one. I'm on my second one, but I tell you, I don't know if I mentioned this before, I don't like Indian food. Except poppadoms. I love poppadoms. I'd be happy to go out

and have three courses of poppadoms where everyone around me gets into a chicken Joe Frazier, whatever it's called. Actually, Joe Frazier was a former heavyweight champion of the world. A chicken Joe Frazier is not something I'd want to say in his presence, let me put it that way. But these sort of combine the two.

They're sort of a bit poppadom-like, but with a bit of curry. I mean, they taste like curry. What's your verdict, Frank? I haven't picked up on the lime pickle, have you? It's fusion food gone mad, isn't it? It's like having a cheese and onion poppadom. Yeah. A lime pickle and curry crisp. I think it's all right. It's fusion food gone mad, isn't it? It's like having a cheese and onion poppadom. Yeah. A lime pickle and curry crisp.

I think it's all right. It's all right. I don't think it's going to revolutionise the crisp world in the same way as sweet chilli did. Did that revolutionise the crisp world? It's like sweet chilli crisps. Oh, yeah. They've really caught on.

Have they? Nine hours. I'm afraid I've still got three boxes of Frank Rose dinner to get through. Have you noticed I've said nothing, which means you might be able to gauge from that what my response to the food is. Your eyes are watery. Yes, I know, they are. They are actually watery.

I've never seen a crisp do that unless someone's actually had a crisp in their eye, which that's a horrible thing. I sometimes find that salt and vinegar crisps have got a bit too much both of salt and of vinegar. So the corners of my mouth get sore as I eat them. The cockerel's tucking in on Mike. I'm going to finish this bag. I'd better get some music on or something.

I don't like the cockerel. It's very unprofessional. Sorry, I'll stop now. I'll stop. What else? Well, I'd like to talk to you about Jackie O. I know this feels like absolute 60s. Yeah. But hear me out.

How do you get a nickname like that? Anyway, Jackie O, yeah, who used to be Jackie Kennedy. Well, she did. Exactly. I'm just giving you a bit of background history. She's the wife of JFK. And then she married Aristotle Onassis, the Greek shipping millionaire.

Yeah, much better match. But I've been enjoying the revelations this week. Have you seen them? Because she's revealed this new site. These secret tapes have come out. And, oh, Frank. This is such an Emily Dean story. I loved it. She's's got it's bitchy remarks

from the grave it turns out she's a bit of an amanda plateau i didn't know she had it in her there's a long list of people crossed off that christmas card list indira gandhi i mean who can be nasty about indira gandhi she said she was a pushy horrible woman you've got to be quite pushy though to be a leader of a nation. She made it sound like Vanessa Feltz. I've always thought Indira Gandhi was very endearing. That's how she got her name. They did a mean thing in the paper

where they showed a young picture of Jackie O and a really old, wizened picture of Indira Gandhi. You go, next to each other at the same age, they were probably both attractive women. It's a bit unfair. Like, I could probably... Take a picture of me from when I played Jason the Asthmatic in the 80s, around the age of 20,

and put me next to a 65-year-old Hugh Grant, and I'll look all right, I think. Yeah. It's not a like-for-like comparison, is it? She was a pioneer in Deer Academy. I mean, she had the red dot before the BBC. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.

Absolute Radio. We were talking about Jackie Onassis. Flash. Formerly Kennedy. Ni... I call her J-O-K. Dubouvier. Ni Bouvier, very good.

And she's been... Who do you call her? J-O-K. Just so that we know where we stand. Oh, OK. She's J-O to everybody else, isn't she? But to me, she's J-O-K. And she's said...

People who are great heroes, she's said terrible things about. It's an extraordinary collection of people but she did say them and then sort of said don't release these tapes for 50 years um after my death didn't she oh how about don't release them at all or even better don't say it yeah i love time release vitriol yeah i'm gonna say some nasty stuff can you hold it back a bit also slightly weird thing is that it's only 47 years after her death that they've brought them out anyway. They just couldn't wait.

They just could not wait. It was either that or they thought that tape players were going to go obsolete in the next three. Well, it wasn't just Mrs. Gandhi. She said, um, not something I ever thought I'd say on Absolute Radio. I don't know. Um, she called, she said Churchill was Gaga. No, that'll be that, that meat over Cody wore on VE Day.

She did. Well, I mean, I think I've mentioned... Hold on, I'm going to cough. I've got a little bit of a Corrie and Lime pickle crisp in my windpipe. They're a death trap, the Guardian. And I used to know Churchill's pastry chef. I didn't know I really did. I knew a woman.

By then, she was an old lady, and she'd been Churchill's pastry chef at his home in his declining years. And she said he used to get up every morning, walk down through the house, through the kitchen, wearing just a vest, go out into the garden, urinate, and then go back in. Is that true? Yeah, that's absolutely true. I really wish I didn't know that about Churchill. Or was that Blondie, Hitler's outstation?

No, no, it was Churchill. I mean, you know, to be fair to him, he's an old man then, and, you know, people get a bit strange. It's a bit like my dream of walking around in just a pyjama jacket, except he was walking the walk. He was living that dream. He was, yeah. He probably had dreams that he was walking through the streets in a three-piece suit.

It was important. Yeah, but apparently he did. Of course, there was the urination ban was on at the time. It was a bit like the smoking ban. You couldn't go indoors. I remember as a child, you used to pass pubs and there'd be four or five people outside urinating. Of all the genders represented.

And animals. Martin Luther King. Terrible sex pest. I mean, you can't say that about Martin Luther King. Well, I'm not saying it. That's one notch and notch on my belt, sadly. It's a bad choice of words, isn't it? Well, I'm not saying it. That's one notch not on my belt, sadly. It's a bad choice of words, isn't it?

Terrible sex pest, as opposed to what? A good sex pest? Well, the sex pest I can tolerate. But he was... Yeah, but apparently that... According to the Daily Mail, we all knew that. I didn't know it. Oh, there's a strange... I didn't know that either.

They must have been on edges. When he said, I had a dream, I bet he's a sociopath thinking, oh, no, which one's it going to be? That this nation will join together? Oh, thank goodness for that. I thought it was going to be Marilyn Monroe and the boa constrictor. They must have been frightened people. Frank, Sheldon Gore, spitefully egomaniac.

Another autobiography title stolen. I have to say, Charles de Gaulle. I just love the fact that he's sometimes known as Charles. By me. I've always been a big fan of the French pronunciation of Charles. I went for Charles, I hope you noticed. Yeah. Yeah, spitefully egomaniac.

Which I like that, because it makes him sound... I like the idea of him being spiteful. He doesn't strike me. That's not a quality I would associate with him. It makes him sound like a spiteful egomaniac, doesn't it? In what respect? In a sort of Got Kwan way? Is he a spiteful egomaniac?

I didn't say that. No. I didn't say that. Judy Dench said it about him. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find that out. Judy Vinegar Dench, as we call her. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast.

We've had some information in as well, read Jackie Kennedy. OK. Just in case you're wondering, the reason that those tapes have been released, I believe tapes released by consent of her daughter and all relates to US TV not showing the Kennedys featuring Katie Holmes. I like it when they provide us with information like that.

So it was a deal? That was from Andrew Green. Thank you, Andrew Green. That's very interesting. Right. Lenny Bruce, the great American comic, used to do some stuff about Jackie Kennedy because they claimed, you know there's a bit where he gets shot and she starts crawling along the back of the car,

clearly trying to get the hell out of there. And the thing was, to try and make her sound heroic, was something like she was trying to retrieve the top of his head. You know when you see someone on a pushbike sometimes will stop because something's fell out their saddlebag and they have to go off and go and get it like that. Clearly the woman was just trying to get away. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. Frank, we've also had a text in.

I mean, he had lovely hair. It's a shame to waste it. It is a shame to waste it. He always had great hair. No, it was good hair, actually. It was grey hair. No, it was good hair, actually. It was good hair. And I've noticed everyone on BBC Breakfast on a Saturday morning looks a little bit like a Kennedy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that Sandy Bobby, not so much Edward Kennedy. Yeah, there's a lot. I don't know if you've ever read it. Did you ever read Edward Kennedy's autobiography? No. It's called Fish in My Rearview Mirror. It was a terrifying tale. Anyway, we can sit and talk all day.

Don't worry, we're not going to. Those of you waiting for, you know, some soft rock. You're listening to Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, there's some news in, which I thought... Light news, just come in. Well, I thought you'd be delighted by this news, knowing that you're not a fan of waste. Sell-by dates, did you read about this?

I did hear about this. They're actually going to be banned. Do you like the way I try and make it more scandalous, using the word banned? But they're dispensing with the whole concept of sell-by date. It's going to be best before, but because people were just throwing away too much stuff. I did. I know I did it.

My bins. Terry Halliwell would have had a field day around those bins of mine. So much good produce in there. Well, I have to say, it's terrible news for the homeless. It's terrible news for me that likes to buy things with an orange sticker on them saying, oops, eat me now. They're not going to reduce things now, are they? There's not going to be like a corner fridge on an aisle

just with loads of people like me rummaging, going, oh, there's a pork pie. I used to do that, man. When I was on the dole on Saturday early evening, they used to have stickers on like, eat before ten to seven. I mean, it was really eat at your peril stickers. Yeah, I don't mind that sort of thing.

I mean, surely if people do eat it and it's off and then they die, then that's just natural selection. I'm fine with that. Oh, that's a bit of a... Oh, it's got a bit harsh. You've adopted a Darwinian label. Exactly, exactly. No, but there are a lot of homeless that live out the bins

at the back of pret a manger and stuff like that yeah and they're going to be in big they can have these crisps for a start i believe that um amongst the homeless on the turn is officially classed as a cuisine yes they are there's going to be none of that now by the time the sandwiches go out they're going to be rancid oh well frank i do i throw a tin out if the font looks a little bit dated. That makes me panic. Yeah, I think font warnings. That's always a good thing.

I tell you what I don't like in supermarkets. I had this with loaves the other day. The way they put the older loaves at the front and the older ones at the back. The newer ones, yeah. And the newer ones at the back, yeah. So they want you to buy ones that's less fresh than the other ones. And I have to do that thing where I start going to the back

and they look at you, the people who work in there. Yeah. I think they're giving you where I start going to the back and they look at you, the people who work in there. Yeah. I think they're giving you a look as if to go, we don't want you to box clever, we want you to be a gullible consumer. Go for the old ones at the front. Yeah, exactly. I think this is what happened the first time

Wayne Rooney went to buy love. And he never got anywhere near the new ones, the poor lamb. Anyway, look, we can't sit here talking all day because Mark Crossley's on next for a start-off. But if you do want to hear a little bit more of this kind of stuff, yeah, some people do, you can download Not The Weekend podcast.

That's available from Wednesday morning on officially Tuesday night. And, yeah, we haven't done it yet, obviously, but I'm confident it'll be brilliant. And that's about it from us, and if the good Lord's willing and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back

this time next week. We love you all. Goodbye. We are Absolute Radio, and right now you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio. And right now, you're listening to Frank Skinner's section of the broadcast. Absolute Radio.