The Frank Skinner Show - A Shabby Year

Episode Date: January 6, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. It’s the first show of 2024! Frank reveals his Christmas present haul and Buzz has landed him a blow. The team also discuss Zombie Takis, Elvis Evolution and lemon curd.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Happy New Year, guys. Happy New Year. 2024. Have you written 2023 yet, when you're meant to write 2024? Not yet. No, okay. It's coming. I think now it's probably gone now. You've missed your window.

Do you think? Yeah, if you haven't done it by January. When is it today? January the 6th. Fair on, though. That's very much his area. 13th night. Yeah, 13th night. If you haven't done it by 13th night,

you're probably into 24 now. What do you think about when you see the... Were you into 24, by the way? The series? Oh, no. Somebody bought me the box set. It's for the likes of me, Frank. Somebody gave me that box set, and they bought it for me and said

honestly this will blow your mind change your life I hate it when they say that so I watched one episode and I thought I didn't think oh no

you didn't think maybe I'll join the CIA no I didn't think that that, no, I thought... You didn't think, maybe I'll join the CIA. No, I didn't think that. That was Kiefer, of course. Yes. Oh, was it? Oh, yeah, OK. What happened to him? I don't know. You don't see him so much these days, Kiefer. But you don't see me that much.

You know, I don't want to poke the finger at anyone. Do you think his family call him R. Kiefer? I hope so. I thought for so long his name was Kiefer O. Sutherland. Oh. Because Americans

run their names together so much. Kiefer O. Sutherland. Yeah. I thought, oh, he's Irish. Yeah. Kiefer.

Anyway, if you're listening, Kiefer. Here's the thing. It was my start to the year. Alan Carr came on the telly

and my son said, I really like Alan Carr. I think he's funnier than you are. Are you joking? He did not say that. I thought, you know what, I knew the barbed remarks from child to parent would come. I didn't think they'd come this

soon or through this or indeed this bar i i was i don't i don't know i didn't know what to do with myself wow right so uh and it wasn't done in a you know a comedy teasing way it was in a really thought it was about time it's about time we got this out in the open kind of a way. It was a casual cruelty. Oh, man. What did you say? What could you say? I couldn't.

I couldn't argue back, could I? It's not like when I saw former England player Alan Mullery having an argument with Rodney Marsh to old players and they disagreed about some football Former England player Alan Mullery having an argument with Rodney Marsh, two old players, and they disagreed about some football thing. And Alan Mullery said, come on, get your medals out on the table.

We'll see who knows the most about football. I'd love to see that in a political debate program. No, so I just had to take it on the chin, but inside. You didn't take the approach of if you catch your kids smoking, you make them smoke a whole pack and say, well, then we're going to watch everything Alan Carr's ever done. See how much you like him after that. I'd be alright with that, apart from the wee element.

Now, look, I like Alan Carr. Obviously, he's a funny man. But is he funnier than me? I don't think so. 8, 12, 15. No. Oh, no, Alan Carr obviously is a funny man, but is he funnier than me? I don't think so. 8, 12, 15. No. Oh, no, no, no. I can't take the other side.

I think if you had a national vote, he'd win, let's face it. But, you know, it's fine. We can exist on the same planet. But knowing that my child is thinking, imagine if Alan Carr was my... That's a huge concession you're making. We can exist on the same planet. But knowing that my child is thinking, imagine if Alan Carlsson... That's a huge concession you're making. We can exist on the same planet. Yeah.

But, oh, man. Frank, you're always the funniest to us. Yes. Oh, no, that's made it worse. I've got a feeling this link's been about 12 and a half minutes. The producer's doing a nail. He's got that kind of feeling to it. How soon into the new year did this happen?

Have you timed? What's your timing on that first leak? My timing? Yeah. I presume you run a clock of your own onto the table. Alex Ferguson style. It's just in the back of my own mind. I always think Pierre has got his own control levers.

The operation. He wouldn't just let this drift, Pierre. Man, he needs one hand on the button at all times. That's what I've heard. Bernard, get out of here. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can I ask you a question? Sure. I don't know quite how I describe this,

but I'm fairly confident, as ever, in my descriptive powers. You know when you have a laugh and you have a laugh which seems to come from another universe? They're very, very rare, which is probably just as well, because they seem to be quite an attack on your body's main systems and you laugh so much noises come out of you've never heard before you get a bit light-headed because you're not breathing properly it's like when you're listening or watching alan carr is it that? Not anymore.

The sounds are coming out of me. Anyway, if anyone's just tuned in, they'll think, well, my son has announced that Alan Carr is funnier than me. It's official. Anyway, do you know those ones? And you're just sort of going, ah, ah.

And I haven't had one of those for, I think, 20 years. Untaken? Yeah. No, but do you know what it means? I was uncontrolled once. It's rare. It's a sort of childlike laughter, isn't it?

But it's beyond. Actually, you start to think, I actually feel ill now. I feel a bit lightheaded, but I can't stop. The laugh is tight. The laugh has taken... The closest I've been was this New Year's Eve.

Kath went to bed. She is not interested in the whole New Year's Eve fireworks thing or any of that, so she went to bed about nine. And me and Boz stopped up. I love her. And me and Boz laughed. Not at love her. Me and Boz laughed.

Not at that level. I'm still waiting for my next one of those. I don't know if I'd get through it now at my age. One of those laughs. But we watched Jules Holland's Hootenanny. Oh. God bless Jules Holland. He's obviously a talented man.

Boogie Woogie Piano? If somebody gave me a list of highly prized talents I wouldn't want, Boogie Woogie Piano would be up there. Right up there with baking. But we just laughed. We just laughed at the Jules Harland Orchestra. What? I don't know.

It just seemed like the funniest thing. Jules sits on like an oil drum with paint stains on it and goes, dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. And we, I don't know, we just, we laughed. I think that's why that level of laugh is so rare because it's impossible to plan what's going to do it. We didn't reach that level, but it's a close, it reminded me of those kind of control laughs,

because I didn't know what we were laughing at. I think that's the secret of it. I didn't, and then Rod Stewart got up to sing with them, and Buzz completely lost it. It's just completely, because Rod Shewt wasn't doing his hits, he was doing things like nowhere to, no one to talk to,

like an old American songbook type thing, which is always hilarious. Yeah. Oh man, I'm just saying, I know there was a lot of comedy on, but nothing touched the hootenanny. Do you think when you're a comedian, you get so used to thinking through jokes or understanding them when you're watching them as a person who does them as well,

that I find that the stuff that gets around that mental block and creates that big laugh tends to be either something unexpected like that or very simple absurdity or someone falling down or an animal doing something weird well my partner kath almost never laughs at any of my jokes at all i mean she's just a fact it's not true no it is true it really is true it's very humbling which is a good thing everyone in shelby should have some sort of humbling assistant. But one thing she has always laughed at is people falling over and stuff like that. We were once in Venice, sitting on the floor by St. Mark's Square, and I'd been bitten by a mosquito and had a big lump on my head,

sort of Looney Tunes style. And we were sitting talking and another mosquito landed on that lump and bit, you know, whatever they do, bit the lump, stung the lump. And Kath, I thought Kath was going to die. She laughs out. She literally lay on the dirty floor. She's a bit of a hygiene person. She literally lay on the dirty tile floor and laughed.

She laughed so much I think she had to lie on something that was non-porous. So here's my Christmas presents if you're interested. Oh lovely. Walking socks. Very nice. I know all socks could lay a claim to that title but Nance for some reason he's walking when it's applied to socks you

think in long distances and rough terrain have they got a little white fleck in them I always associate the active wear sock with a little white fleck. Well, they come in many varieties and they used to be all look like that, but now I've had black walking socks. They ought to be called hiking socks, really, to properly distinguish them. Goths go on a walk, I love that.

I'm sure, I've never seen a goth on a trek. No, they don't trek really, do they? I've seen them... What outerwear do they have? I've seen them sitting inh on a trek. No, they don't trek, really, do they? What outerwear do they have? I've seen them sitting in the cemeteries of villages and small towns drinking cider. In fairness, some of the longer leather jackets, the black trench coats made of leather, that's pretty all-terrain.

They're not practical for the hiking. No. Anyway, walking socks I had. And then I had lemon curd. A jar of lemon curd. Was it in the socks? No, that was from a separate gifter. It's never really caught on, has it, the curd? No.

You know when the jam, you can get more or less every fruit? Oh, I see what you mean. How many curds do you come... I've seen lime curd, but that's because lime is always used as sort of lemons. It's like Danny Minogue to the lemons, Kylie Minogue. It always gets in on the act, doesn't it? Yeah, but it's like, you know,

it's the second phone call, isn't it yeah but it just it's like you know it's the second phone call isn't it lime lemons working in uh you know i don't know um yeah pellegrino project so we're gonna have lime i can't think of any other curds i've seen no do you get strawberry curd? If you do, it doesn't happen in our house. So lemon curd. Then I add some licorice. All sorts? No. I sort of take no prisoners licorice.

Licorice that's not accompanied by anything to make it be less licorice. Oh, is it pure as dad licorice? Licorice that comes in like a like a spool do you know that stuff oh yes like a vertigo record label but without the white yeah yeah and it's just like it's a wheel of licorice how big is this wheel oh i'd say diameter yes yes i'm gonna go imperial okay Okay. If I may. I'd say it's three and a half inches. That's a lot of licorice.

Oh, man. Okay. It's like eating a biscuit, you know. But I suppose the jewel in the crown was I got a tin of driving sweets. Like walking socks on driving sweets. Exactly. And they make about as much sense. Did they have the bed of icing sugar?

Well, when I opened them in the car, there was a spray of icing sugar went all over my jeans. I thought, if the police stop me now, in my line of work, who's going to believe that that's icing sugar? But yeah, they're in my car now in the circular tin i finally done it and got the drive-in sweet and that was that was the full extent of my christmas presents what flavor of driving don't try and make me feel better

so hang on you got the let let's just go through this. You've got lemon curd. Lemon curd. Driving sweets. Licorice. Yeah, and... And socks. And the socks, yeah. OK. Yeah. OK.

A Willy Wonka staycation set. Yeah. It's one of those... You know when you put your presents in a little pile? Yeah. You wanted to put them all into the sock for carrying. Usually you want one big annual that you can use as a base and carry your other presents on like a tray.

But I didn't get anything that big. Oh, okay. So that was it. And what I'm saying, it was a shabby year on the gift side. Frank, oh my God. There's no other way of selling that. I can't talk that up. Oh, my God, Frank.

That bundle. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Georgina has got in touch with us. What? George Foreman's daughter. Oh, yes. All of his, fortunately. All the boys are called George and the girls are called Georgina,. Oh, yes. All of his, fortunately. All the boys are called George

and the girls are called Georgina, Georgette, etc. Oh, lovely. Georgina has got in touch. He told me, George Foreman, that he gets a dollar a grill. Wow. How many do you think he sold? Millions.

He must have done. The fat drains right out of the meat and down into the tray under the grill. I've got that tattooed on my mind from how often that advert was on cable. Everyone sold, he gets a dollar, yeah. And Snoop Dogg told me he gets a dollar a grill. It turned out to be a typo.

So anyway. I don't know why, but that reminds me of that thing your manager sent you. Three lines. Remember when you were in the hotel and you got a big bunch of flowers from him? What did it say? Three lines had just come out. I was in, I think I was in San Francisco and I checked into my hotel and there was a big bunch of flowers

which I thought at first the hotel had given me and then I realised there was a card with it. And when I looked at the card, it was from my manager and it said straight in at number one, 56,000 units sold. The least romantic. 56,000 units units units of music

yeah exactly half a kilogram of music please who has ever written units in a car it was number one it was the most exciting thing reduced so anyway

Georgina has got in touch to say proper curd, an answer to your curd question, Frank, proper curd is formed using the acidity from citrus fruits and that's why it's those flavours only.

What about the orange? Yeah, I've never seen orange curd. But it must be possible. It's like jam. Yes, it is. With fog. A jam with fog.

Yeah, that's what it is. That's what it is. It's like if you used a jar of jam as the setting for a Jack the Ripper movie, it would look like curd. Here's a question, Frank. I do not, can I say though, I mean, it was chosen because I am a big lemon curd enthusiast.

I'm interested in your consumption of curd. For this reason, I struggle with curd. Can I tell you why? I can't put it straight onto bread. Do you have with butter or without? Well, here's my thing. I find it a bit of a, you know when you've got to get the marge out and then put it back and get the bread?

Oh, I find with jam, if you put jam on bread, it's like, what's going on? I've got no, there's no under sheet. You're asking me to sleep on the raw mattress with its terrible quilting buttons sticking in me and its label. Why do they have the label on it? Yeah.

They're understriped. They're horrible buttons. Why do they have buttons on it? Yeah. Anyway, and there's a wee stain. If I bought... Fine. If you buy a new mattress, there's a wee stain.

They make them at the factory like that. Anyway, that's what jam's like. But curd, because curd is a bit buttery in its texture, I find you don't need anything underneath it. It comes with a fitted sheet. It's like it's in a sleeping bag. You can lie straight on the mattress bag. You go naked curd. So that's time saved and margarine saved.

What's saving margarine? It's essentially a money spinner. Lemon curd for me. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Frank, we have had I would say it's a number of people would you agree

getting in touch regarding your favourite snack oh yes Martin Gardner for example he begins Tacky's New Year All ok I think that might be for example, he begins, Takis New Year All. Okay.

I think that might be work. We should say, if you're new to the show, which I don't think anyone's been since about 2021. Do you not get new people anymore? I don't think so. We're struggling to hold on to the old lot. Don't say that. No, no, I'm joking. Don't say that.

No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I am often halfway through the morning. In fact, Jenny is due to go out onto the streets. It's only we haven't told her yet. I eat Takis, which is a very, very hot snack. And like I say, I'm low to say, because I'm not trying to sell Takis to anyone. I don't get free Takis. And the other people on the team

generally don't like it. You remember? And poor Emily had one and then robbed her eye and was blind for three days. And just to prove that we're not receiving any money from Takis, the only strap line I can give them is I utterly despise them.

Okay. Okay? Takis and curd? Do you despise them? Oh, I despise them. Anyway, what's... Takis' new year, or just wondering, imagine if that caught on.

I don't think it will. Everyone starts saying it to each other. Hey, Tacky's New Year. Just wondering whether Frank has been able to get his hands on the limited edition zombie tackies. The flavour, you ask? Habanero. I never know how to say that.

Habanero. You have to say all those words. Habanero. Habanero. How do you say it? Habanero I never know how to say that no habanero you have to say all those words habanero habanero how do you say it? habanero Frank? I say habanero

I have to I have to imagine myself with crossed bandoleros yeah habanero yeah and cucumber yes

habanero and cucumber in the famous words of crash test dummies do you know what the famous words are i don't i didn't either but apparently it's oh okay okay so was that when the real crash test dummies were tied in a like a room at the back and there was some bogus ones who had taken their place and the real crash test test crash dummies were had like plasters over their mouths, and we go, mm, mm.

Anyway. Frank. I have tried new Nimitib edition. When did you get those? Well, Baz had one in his advent calendar. What sort of an advent calendar was that? Well, my partner constructs an advent calendar and it has a tiny note in it every day

that says things like look under the dog's bed and when he looks under the dog's bed there's like for one day there was some stamps I can't remember what country it was but they had Kiss on them, the band but sometimes they're things like a bottle of

Prime or um a packet of Takis so one of them was the Zombie limited edition I'll tell you what's the pro I'm not familiar with hammer here um I don't really know what it is I presume it's a hot thing it's one of God's hot things it certainly is yeah yeah but I love it when you describe me like that. You could really taste the cucumber as well. I don't know how they've done that. I thought the cucumber would be lost in the. Yes. But like a bit like Gabrielle. But Frank, why would anyone want the cucumber to dominate?

I mean, let's be honest. I didn't say dominate it. I said it got a looking. You said you can really taste it. Well, I thought it would be lost in a hell. But it wasn't. Are these supposed to be, that's what a zombie tastes like? No, that's what zombies like.

These are what zombies enjoy. I've always wanted to know what a zombie tastes like. You must have seen, you know those things that, those things in zombie films that you see and you think, hold on a minute,

turns out they're actually cucumbers. Don't panic. Don't panic, folks. I don't like the packaging. What a day! What a day!

Remember that, Ken Dodd. What a day for shoving a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox and shouting, the Martians have landed. One of the great jokes of all time. Yes, I tried them and I liked them, but for me, I'm still very loyal to Fuego, the original ones. The packet, Frank, has a wizened old green hand on the front.

Oh, does it? God, I thought it was mirrored. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank, we've had a lot of curd correspondence. Oh, OK. Because you've been talking about your, I'm going to go there, passion for lemon curd.

It's specifically lemon, we should say, isn't it? Yes. None of the other curds. Well, I said there aren't many. That's just it. Well, little do you know. Oh, are there other curds? Oh, yes, my friend.

Oh, no, there's going to be stuff like, I don't know what the citruses are. Well, 630 gets in touch and says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Just thought you should be informed of the full range of options regarding curd. Okay. I don't know what the citruses are. Well, 630 gets in touch and says, Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Just thought you should be informed of the full range of options regarding curd. Okay. I had passion fruit curd from an English heritage shop. It was delicious.

They also seem to do toffee apple curd, ginger curd, and elderflower and rose from Laura. Hold on. I thought we were told it had to be citrus. It's a new world. It's 2024, Frank. The rules for curd have changed. I can't believe anyone nowadays. I'd like to say...

Only citrus, I was told, by Georgina. Georgina, I have questions. I'm afraid you're going to have to... It's the countdown moment when you pass me a bit of paper with your maths working out to check you haven't just copied my answer. Oh, I hate it, that, Frank. What about when they go, I did that as well?

I never believe it. Yeah, that's what I've got. And also, what I would love someone to do on there is the person who's come up with the answer, when they say, yeah, I got the same, and they show them the bit of paper, they sort of go, oh, yeah, this is embarrassing. I would say, take the paper and say,

well, let's go through this and get a pen. Get a pen and just go through it line by line. Here's the thing. I know a man who would do that. Yeah. Pierre. Now, what about this? Thomas from Aberystwyth. Dear Frank, could your partner make

you an advent calendar for Christmas 24 featuring lemon curd? But it would be every day i don't know what was coming ah bear with okay admittedly it'll be the same treat each day but no different to a chocolate one with the same daily treat just a thought from a fellow lemon curd connoisseur well that's a good point that people don't moan about chocolate every day. I think Thomas has got a point. Can I tell you something, by the way? Someone said, I had a cup of coffee at someone's house the other day.

What a lovely story. I know. Patsy. Some people tell stories like that. Yes, they do. Do you know what I mean? I had a coffee. Oh, lovely.

And they said to me, hold on a minute. I thought you, your auntie, you always moaned about coffee had a coffee. Oh, lovely. And they said to me, hold on a minute, I thought you, your auntie, you always moaned about coffee and said you didn't like it. I said, well, I didn't like it. But then it turns out, I said, I've been having coffee every week

on the radio show and now I'm sort of a bit more open to it. And they said, what have you been having? I said, chai latte. Oh, fancy. And they said, that's tea. I said, no, it's like chai latte. Oh, fancy. And they said, that's tea. I said, no, it's like chai latte.

And they said, no, that's tea. So I have a bit of it. Oh, what a fall I felt. You were tricked. And then I remembered, there was an Indian Uber driver said to me, did you see that shop?

Did you see that shop? They were advertising chai tea. And I said, no. I thought, what does he mean? Does he want it to stop and get some? He said, chai means tea. Yeah. I said, okay.

It's not QI, it's Uber. Anyway, sorry. Here's's Uber. Anyway, sorry. Here's a question as well. Sorry. I wanted to tell you about my hall. Okay, yeah. But we all get there. Can I ask you one question?

Sure. Say Rod Stewart is up now and pottering about the house. I'm obsessed with Rod Stewart. Yeah, and he has a shower. Yeah. You know we all sing. Do you sing in the shower, guys? Yeah, always. So I tend sing, do you sing in the shower, guys? Yeah, always.

So I tend to sing Roy Orbison in the shower because I take advantage of the echo. Yeah. You've got to have one song. So Rod Stewart,

when he's in, is he singing, and now the end is near? Or when he's in the shower, is he, and now the end is near Or when he's in the show, is he? And now the end is near And then when he goes on stage, he goes Okay, I'm ready He has some tackies right before he goes on stage Is that his voice or is that his stage voice?

He's got to be stuck in it by now Do you remember I did the raw variety and he phoned up on the morning and said he couldn't do it because he hadn't got a sore throat. And what he'd actually said was he couldn't do it because he did have a sore throat. And you see what I did, I switched it around for comedy purposes, but I'm not convinced that him or the guy from Stereophonics,

actually, that's their natural singing voice. If anyone's got any insights, 8-12-15. If anyone's got any side lights, 8-12-15. I think that's about it. Occasionally plug things on the show um emily dean does a podcast called walking the dog if

you've heard of it she uh it's quite big uh and she goes on a walk with a celebrity and their dog yes and this week over to emily Guess who I went on a walk with? Too long. Too long, yeah. Alan Cutler, no. Frank Skinner, MBE, and his dog, Frank. Yes, Poppy. The dog's not called Frank, by the way.

Frank Jr. Imagine if you'd have called the dog Frank Jr. Yeah, that would have... It's a lady. That's the problem. It's one of my favourite ever interviews. I'm not just saying that. He was fabulous. So...

And the dog actually speaks on it. Well, she barks, Vance. Yeah, I wouldn't say speaks. We finally hear the dog's side of things. Exactly. And at one point, someone comes over, just a quick spoiler alert, and compliments Ray, and Vance says,

No one ever says that to my dog. No. Whenever I've been out with Emily and her dog, which is a Shih Tzu, it's a bit like when you push a pram, you know, and people go, oh, what a lovely baby. They all gather around the Shih Tzu. But my mongrel Yeah.

Didn't get a look in. Well, I look forward to hearing what she has to say about that on the podcast. Okay. Because you don't get me to the grummer enough. Things like that. It's a dog voice. No, I think she's half poodle, so it would be, I don't think we are

looking after my periods. Although the other half the other half is Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. What would that character be like? That would be These scoundrels cannot run a country

which are going horseback to hell. You're describing my ideal couple. Exactly. Anyway, Frank's fabulous on it so I would love you to listen. You are. Frank, I'm quite keen to know what Pierre got, because I'm a magic for Christmas. Oh, don't bring up his high levels.

He'll be on all day. Oh, come on. It's going to be, what are you predicting? Do you think they get, he gets a South African, a sort of a jerky in the stocking? Do you think Pierre knows,

by the way? What? I was just talking off air that you meet some people who are very good looking. Beautiful ladies and men. I was talking about, I met Reggie.

Is he called Reggie? Oh, no, Archie Medici. Archie, of course. Who's from Saltburn. Archie from Saltburn. The star. And he struck me as every good-looking person knows they're good-looking.

We all know that. But if we just pretend a little bit, you occasionally meet ones that don't seem to know they're good-looking. Yes. And they're very nice, those, because you think, oh, you're nice to be with and nice to look at.

Do you think Pierre knows, Emily? That he's good looking? No. Oh. I'm a big nerd. I don't think he does. No, I don't. And I think that's part of the charm.

Don't worry. He's got the Medique charm. Medique? He does. Look at him. Smug as a bog. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I want to know, we got onto the subject of Pierre's Gifts,

because I'm thinking there would have been some jerky in the stocking. Oh, Pierre's Gifts will be here all day. Oh, you mean his Christmas gifts? Go on, then. Do they theme it, the parents? I would say my gifts were painfully on brand. OK. What do you mean?

They were Pierre gifts. Mainly books. I wasn't specifically given any biltong or dry vorse on my own, but needless to say, the family home was stocked. With biltong. With meats. Yeah. Very meat-heavy Christmas, all dry.

I got a book that I think you would enjoy a great deal, Frank. Winters in the World, A Journey Through the Anglo-Saxon Year. Oh, that sounds good. Yeah, it's a whole year's diary of all the Anglo-Saxon sort of festivals and feasts and things and also like harvest time and things like that. Yeah.

Oh. I have a feeling I've read a book like that. Have you? Anyway, we shouldn't talk about it in too much depth on Breakfast Radio. No, no, tell me more about the Anglicans. It sounds great, tell me more. Yes. Nice.

Yeah, a book about cobalt. A book about cobalt? Yes. Is that a supervillain? The colour. It would be good. The Congolese mineral in this case. You've got a book about a Congolese...

See, I'm quite intolerant and i recognize this in myself i was talking to a friend of mine and he said i've just um read a book about the forest about the uh forest fires in alberta i said why have you read that you can't say to someone no i know you can't but i'm afraid when I remembered that, I'd already said it. What do you want to bother reading that for? Cobalt. Yes, as a metal.

Can I ask you a question? Yes. In order to sell it, what line does it have, cobalt? Does it have like a dash, the Congolese mineral? I don't think it does. Because that's not selling it well. This time it's mineral. It's back, and this time itese mineral. I don't think it is. Because that's not selling it well. This time it's mineral. It's back and this time it's mineral.

It's very important. I'm not saying it isn't. I'm not dissing cobalt. Let's make that clear before the... You better not be. Before we get ripped apart on social media. Can you imagine? Oh no, Frank and Pierre have fallen out.

What did they fall out over? Cobalt. The Congolese mineral. Oh yeah. You say cobalt and as their brow fur is used to clarify the Congolese mineral.

And they go, ah, ah, say no more. I mean, it's not exclusively Congolese but in the context of this book it is. obviously not.

No, that would be mad. Is it a picture book? It has pictures. It's a pop-up. On the cover. Yes, it's a...

When you pull a tab, when you pull a tab, the Chinese government comes and builds a mine. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's brilliant. If you're going to build a mine, you really want a pop-down book. I don't know if they exist.

Where the contents get further away. Exactly. It borrows into the back cover of the book. How do they do this? Are there chapters in the Cobalt book? Of course there's chapters. It doesn't sound like the sort of book it sounds. It's got to be organised.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure it's organised. Chapter 7, where's that shovel? I'm just drawing me in we don't often know this is the closest we've ever been to Richard and Judy's book club

this week what is it called Cobalt the Congolese mineral I have to look up the title because it's not called Cobalt the Congolese it is now

rebrand but that sounds like if it was on a variety bill Cobalt and then underneath it the bill matter. The Congolese mineral dances for you. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Frank, can I tell you about some gifts I got? Please. Because I loved them, Frank. My two favourite gifts I loved right but well I'll tell you about them the first thing I loved my my first favorite gift was a welly but not just any welly a welly as in a wellington boot one no a I'm using it in the fashion sense. A welly, like a jean. Oh, OK.

A pair of wellies. I see. But a cut-off welly, an ankle welly. Oh, I've seen a few of those around on the ladies. They look cool. Let's be honest, on the elderly ladies. No, I've seen them. I think they've bled into the young and fashionable. Well, what I've realised about them them they're a bit of a game changer because what's the one thing that puts you off the wellington boot is the removal yes leaning on the radiator lying on the floor sometimes not not so with the ankle welly frank came off so

cleanly so and also it's got a slightly jaunty look which i like i think they actually look cool which well is generally don't it's got something of the max wall as well i like it oh who's the other one jiminy is it jimmy cricket yes oh yeah he wore a wellington yeah he's got that flavor so i like the welly then i got the heated uh alaskan faux fur throw blanket oh what an electric blanket really i thought they'd gone well so did i frank they're back i'd got so i did feel a bit i mean even though i was thrilled i did get a pair of wellingtons and a heated blanket did you get a nice bottle of scent? Cobalt by Lantric. But I was so thrilled.

Did you not get a bottle of scent? I did. I absolutely assumed that you'd get not only a bottle of scent, but one with a squirter ball. Yes, I did. The sort of bagpipe fitting you get on. Oh, I love that thing. Oh, yeah. So the Alaskan faux,

I think its full name is Alaskan Husky Faux Fur Heated Throw. It's a lot. It's a mouthful, but it is amazing. It's got a little remote on it. A faux throw. Yeah. When I went online, though,

and I thought this is so good and I wanted to check how I used it, and I wanted to keep it safe. And I thought, this is one of the best gifts I've ever received. But there were about 150 reviews. I'm not joking. Every single one, bar about three, about 148 said, wonderful for my elderly mother. Keeps her very warm.

I wear it on. I get reviews like that. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, you know how we like it asked to us, do you need any help at all?

I'd prefer you use the correct emphasis. How do you say Happy New Year? Happy New Year. Of course I don't. No, but there's a thing... I say Happy New Year. Down Americans emphasise the new. Happy New Year.

Yes, they do, yeah. Oh, that reminds me of depressing rom-coms. Yeah. There's always a character saying that, Happy New Year, and someone's crying. Yeah, do, yeah. Oh, that reminds me of depressing rom-coms. Yeah. There's always a character saying, Happy New Year, and someone's crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll all be all right by the end, Frank. Bring out the old, bring in the new.

Do you remember that? The George Harrison song. Oh, is that what he did? Yeah, it's one of the few New Year's songs. I think people think... ABBA did a New Year's song. Oh, yeah, they did. But there aren't many, because you don't get the run-up.

That's true. Perhaps there's a gap in the market for certain holidays that don't have a commemorative song. I know, because you've got Christmas just before it. There's a very tiny window for a New Year song. Boxing Day song? Maybe. Again, that's one day. But if we

nail it, if we all work hard and release a Boxing Day song together, that's... They'll have to play it. It's the only one. I think there's a song called Cold Turkey by John Lennon. Well, there we go. It's been done before. We can't release a single

after. It's a very odd band. It's a very odd look, isn't it? We haven't got a... Do you know what I mean? It's Rod, Jane and Fred. Well, I've said already on social media, I think we look like we own a reasonably successful family removals firm.

Do we? Yeah. For removing families? We just look like... No. Is this about the world? A family-run removals firm. I think that's right. for removing families. We just looked and I thought, no, a family run removal spurt.

I think that's right. We look, it looks like we collect, our family company proudly sponsor the local football team for

under 18. Yeah. Well, I can imagine us doing an Edinburgh play. Yeah, yeah. Where you play

the woman I love but who's worried about my experiments. I play Dr. Frankenstein and Pierre, well, anyway, what shall we talk about now? The Lord gives with one hand.

Is it because I'm wearing my Bolt necklace today? I actually thought about writing an Edinburgh play where I was Dr. Frankenstein and you were the monster. A comedy. Because you don't get enough of them chatting in the book. Yes, that's right.

But do you know, Frank, that's always my favourite. For example, is it Davros in Doctor Who? As I've said to you, where's his interior? I want to see Mrs. Davros? I want to see Mrs Davros. I want to see his home life. You never see the monster's home life. I would never say never. The show continues.

I love it. So do you like the sound of my blanket, Frank? Oh, yes. I've been trained by my partner to have the bedroom like ice. I'm going to buy you an Alaskan... I wear more clothes in bed than most young people do on a night out. I really do.

Do you? I wear a lot of... In fact, I stayed at a friend's house this week. I was frozen in the night. You don't go robe, do you? And we know why. No, I don't go robe. Why is that, Frank?

Because I don't know when you're supposed to, why the window is to put it on. I'm with you on this. Yeah. And he doesn't like the belt cutting into his waist. No, but... It's a liminal piece of clothing. What do you put in the pocket of a robe?

I've got all sorts. Yeah. In there? Yeah. Licorice? You see horrid tissues. Yeah. You're not wrong. I'm a handkerchief man. You see horrid tissues. Yeah. You're not wrong.

I'm a handkerchief man. Huh? You know. You would think in the modern age when there's all this stuff about the planet and stuff, the handkerchief would have made a comeback. The tissues would have gone.

Not a brief encounter. A high tea tightie. Yeah. I think that it's Othello to put people off. That'll be it. They're just trouble, thank you, cheers. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank? Yeah? I want to discuss some rather exciting news with you. Well, I think it's something you're going to be excited about, and so does Ruth Jordan, who's got in touch. Good old Ruth. Happy New Year.

Over to my correspondent, my cobalt correspondent. Ruth says, morning and happy New Year to you all. How does Frank feel about 2024 bringing us Elvis Evolution?

The new Elvis hologram show. Will Frank be going and will it be as good as Abba Voyage? I think you mean Abba Voyage. Sorry, Abba Voyage. Abba Voyage. Look, I started saying Voyage, and I realised this is all to do with Frank Skinner,

because I never said things like Voyage. Well, people say... I bet you've said Bon Voyage, haven't you? Yeah, but that's because it's Bon Voyage. That was the Bon Jovi tribute show. No, I think I'm just going rhythmically. Abba Voyage sounds better than Abba Voyage. Abba Voyage is a sudden pulling off.

Well, it's because you've gone Voyage and it's Voyage. Ah. Okay. What if you extend that to Voyage? Voyage. Abba Voyage. Yeah. No.

For me it's Voyage. Let's call the whole thing AI. Have you been to Abba Voyage? You went with Kath because Kath was obsessed. I have been. My partner's been three times. And taken my child, I think, on all three occasions. And my partner's been three times. And taken my child I think on all three occasions. And he's

a heavy metal enthusiast. Okay. But it'd be good practice for when Kiss Voyage begins. Are they calling it Voyage as well? I don't think so. Oh, okay. I don't think they'll do that. Yeah, that is, it's good. It's good because

it looks like Aber on stage from the 70s, which is impressive. You know, it's good. It's good because it looks like ABBA on stage from the 70s, which is impressive. You know, it is good, yeah. Do you know, I know the ABBA thing. I'm saying the Elvis one. No, the Elvis one, I'm convinced, will be awful. Yeah, it's just, oh no, the ABBA I can deal with. I love Elvis.

I really love, I grew up, he was so important to me. And I really loved his music, his films. But he has been indirectly responsible for more intense naff product than any other artist. That's not his fault. Yes. Now, I could be wrong, and I'd love it if it's great, but everything I've read about it

it sounds to me it says that they've got access to home movies and personal photos from the character what's that previously unseen is there i don't want him shooting i don't want him saying mike storm must die no but i thought it's they've said it sounds like it's going to be like the abba thing but abba don't what does it mean personally it makes me think of that projector that my son got from little yes i think it's going to be a bit like that oh super eight home movies well you know it's quite a it's quite a kernel idea isn't it we got to make it into a hologram I'm going to make you into a hologram.

But you see, this is... It was seven shows ahead. Well, when I was a young lad... I went to see... Frank loved that film. He actually said it was very good. I love Tom Hanks' The Curse. It's a canon. I'm going to make you a little...

See, that was pretty good product, that film. It bent the... Oh, it certainly bent a lot of rules. It bent some of the facts. It was a good one. But I read an interview with Werner Herzog. Yes. The German filmmaker.

I'm way too obsessed by him. I love Werner Herzog. And they asked him about whether the film, whether it was factual. Yes. And he said, if you want facts, read the Manhattan phone factual. Yes. And he said, if you want facts, read the Manhattan phone directory. Yes.

And then he told them how many entries there were, didn't he? And every one of them has been checked and is factually accurate. All right. Have you heard his, maybe the best ever use of Happy New Year? No. He was at a big, he was doing an interview on stage with a bunch of other very respected documentarians, and they were all agreeing how, as a documentary maker,

you must stay back and not interfere. And he was in the audience and got the microphone and said, no, you must be like the wasp that stings and spoke really in favor of interfering and making things happen, even if you're the documentary maker. And everyone started booing him. Wow. The last thing he said in the mic before he handed it back was,

Happy New Year, losers. Can I just say, bit of a git, Frank. I like him. Well, in this interview, he came over as a bit of a git. He'd be a nice friend for you. Yeah, he does seem very difficult. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So we were discussing the Elvis experience.

Yeah, and I should say I'd have no inside information. It might be absolutely brilliant, and I'd be happy if it was brilliant. Has it occurred to you that if it is brilliant, and if Kiss is brilliant, then your whole family will have a hologram show each to be obsessed with? That's true. Oh, I love that way of looking at it, Peter. That is true.

Boz could go and see Kiss forever and I could see Elvis forever and Kath can see Abba Voyage. You see, I think maybe I might see if Kath will take me to that Abba Voyage because what's concerned me about it, I'm open to it, what I've been concerned about is that it feels like it's slightly too close to the arena of, you know my greatest fear, Frank?

What, your greatest fear? Is it chives? No, that's up there. Okay. That's in the arena. Okay. It's cartoon characters. Oh, yes. Interacting with real people.

Yeah. And it feels a little bit close to that. Okay. That bit when Bert pulls his white trousers down so he looks more like a penguin to dance with the cartoon. Lies. Mm. And that's why I didn't like cartoons.

Lies. These are lies. These are visual lies. Well, there was a thing called Elvis in Concert, which was, or Elvis the Concert, and it was the TCB band and various singers. I don't know why, but the whole concept of TCB makes me laugh. Take care of business anyway um why do you why don't why don't they bring

her poo bags with that on yeah anyway um and they were all there all the back you know um jd summer and the stamps sweet inspirations. But Elvis obviously wasn't there and Elvis was on a big screen so they played live and Elvis sang. But in the middle of the stage there was this gaping space where Elvis would have been. And it was upsetting, really upsetting. Was it a Roger Rabbit upsetting?

In fact, on the opening night thing, Kat Slater was there from EastEnders and a woman who I think can now be called a friend of this show, Big Mo. Oh, yeah. Kat Slater, Jesse Wallace. Yeah, Jesse Wallace. And she... And who must live in a teepee.

Anyway, she, about half an hour into the thing, you look across and Jesse Wallace, he looks like Alice Cooper and mascara has run that much and she's cried so much at the Elvis thing. And Big Mo Mo fast asleep oh it's like a little pocket of the soap awards

when I was at Elvis the concert I met Glenn D. Harding, who was the piano player. Hang on, is this the one where Cat Slater was crying and Big Mo fell asleep? Yes, well, and then I met... I love that episode of Friends. I was excited to meet Glenn D. Harding, because he'd been Elvis' piano player for ages. because he'd been Elvis' piano player for ages.

And I was on about when Elvis does Oh, my love, when he gets up and does the piano. And I said, so that was a nice little rest for you. And he said, yeah, I didn't watch it. Elvis, just about the worst piano player I ever saw. Elvis, and as much as I love him, his other great musical claim to fame is, I think, and I'd be happy to hear of any other suggestions for this on 8.12.15,

one of the great non-playing guitar players. Yes. Of having the guitar round your neck, but just moving it about a bit and not even being amplified of a stigial guitar what was what what was the deal with the guitar because i saw him sometimes in uh was it blue hawaii films like that he'd sort of make a nod towards play did he play it well he played ukulele but i don't think he did oh he could play guitar um fairly rudimentary i would say but when he has it on stage i think it's more of a prop i can't think of anyone else who uses a guitar like that but i bet our readers can in

you know i mean the guitar's quite a big thing to have around your neck especially if it's in a big leather covering with your name engraved on it. It's way down by Rhinestone. Yeah, exactly. Sometimes the stars, you know, they decide later, as we all know in their career, to start going down the own staff route, don't they? Madonna is one. And at that point, they say,

oh, I'm going to start learning the guitar. And I always think when I see them get it out and stage, I think, I don't want to witness your lessons. No, well, he started... Until you've done your 10,000th. He started with the guitar, i always think when i see them get it out and say just think i don't want to witness your lessons no well he started until you've done your 10 he started with the guitar to be fair but he wasn't you know he wasn't jimmy hendrix he was um what was he he was the singing non i don't know if you remember her oh yeah how do you feel about the Elvis-themed bar and restaurant on site? Well, I'm feeling... It says there'll be live music, which means there'll be an Elvis impersonator, which is something else I've always really struggled with.

And the food. I really, really love Elvis and his music. And then as you get further from that centre, that core, into the seven circles of hell which include impersonators and terrible merch, then, you know, it's not Elvis' fault, as I say. I was in a terrible

play about Elvis, so, you know, I'm not innocent. My hands have blood on them. It wasn't that terrible, was it? It was pretty terrible. There must be, the restaurant must serve that, what was his mad sandwich? Peanut butter and... It was pretty terrible. There must be... The restaurant must serve that... What was his mad sandwich? Peanut butter and... It was called Fool's Gold.

Deep fried peanut butter and... Fool's Gold loaf, he called it. Fool's Gold. Sometimes one of his things was vegetable soup sandwiches. You can't do that, Elvis. No. That's what someone should have said at some point. Anyway, it opens in London.

Go and see. Do you think they had a hard time choosing the era? Well, I don't know if they've chosen an era. I think that's it. I don't think it's going to be like Voyage. I think it's just going to be a slideshow. So they're not going to commit to, say, the TCB era, Mike Stone Must Die?

No. Honestly, I think it's going to be somebody with a, you know... You don't think the hologram gets fatter throughout the show? What do they call those things like David Baddiel does live? A projector. When you press a button. A projector. No, what do they call it?

Slideshow. Oh, thanks for your help. Audiovisual presentation. PowerPoint presentation. PowerPoint, thank you. He said it. Okay, well done, you. Silver star.

Silver? Anyway, it opens in London. Go and see it. Okay, well done you. Silver star. Silver? Anyway, it opens in London. Go and see it. It might be great. Silver only. You'd think it would open in America, wouldn't you? Obviously from the southern states of America. But you try opening a show in the southern states of America

with the word evolution in the title and just stand back and watch them come. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. and just stand back and watch them come. Frank, you were asking earlier if we could think of, or if the readers could think of any performers who used a guitar essentially in a sort of... As a prop. Yeah.

Well, Joe in Northchapel. Would you say Joe in Northchapel or Joe in Northchapel? I don't know where Northchapel is, I'm going to be honest, but I like the sound of it. OK. Joe has got in touch to say, Morning, Frank, long-time reader, first-time correspondent. I believe Shaken Stevens was one who had a guitar

as more of a prop in his videos and on his Top of the Pops performances. I'm sure you know better than me, though, as I do not have nearly as many years' experience on this planet as you, dear Frank. OK. Farped. Happy New Year to you and the team.

Here's the thing. I saw Shakin' Stevens in the old times before he starred in Elvis the musical and he was a proper hardcore 50s rock and roller

he did original songs as well as covers and it was quite a dirty kind of an act. I don't mean in a rudeness kind of way, but he was down, you know, he loved the music and it was very real. And then he played Elvis and then he didn't stop playing Elvis.

He just carried on playing Elvis for the rest of his career. Did you see him as Elvis? I did. Well, I mean, on top of the pops, he was Elvis forever. I went to the stage show, he shunned my programme. Nice. But Shakin' Stevens and the Sunsets

was an authentic 50s rock band, although they weren't from the 50s, but they clearly Rockabilly style. Yeah. Well, they just loved that stuff, but then he totally became Elvis. He did.

Took over his brain. I'm looking forward to the AI shaking Stevens show. But what do they do? Green Door. Is there any other ones? Yeah. What's the other ones? Rocking around the Christmas tree.

There's this old house. In the middle of the street. This old house. Yeah, they were covers as well. Green Door, I think, was Frankie Vaughan. A man who was in the 50s was enormous

and said that he turned down Marilyn Monroe. Oh! And I met Frankie Vaughan. I was just starting to get famous. I've used the F word. Lovely. And he met me and he was a really charming,

British showbiz kind of guy. And as I left, I met him in Jackie Mason's dressing room. And as I left, he shook my hand and said, continued success. Oh, I love that. I could have kissed him. What a charmer. Give me the moonlight. This is

Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. By the way, Pierre Novelli and I will be at well, we'll be at the Gielgud Theatre in the first two weeks of February.

Selling M&M's. I can't wait. But we're also doing a national tour. Yeah. So we'll be everywhere. So check us out. Gielgud, is it 5th or 17th? 5th of Feb.

I'm coming along. I'm booking tickets. Nice. Well, you say that. Will you let me come and see you afterwards? I think you dash off, don't you? No, if you're in the building. I always...

Don't buy tickets, darling. Okay. And then we're going on a road trip with maybe some more Anglo-Saxon cemeteries. Oh, yeah. And so forth. Because it's very rock and roll. For a minute, it sounded really rock and roll, and then you mentioned the Anglo-Saxon cemeteries. Oh, yeah. And so forth. Because it's very rock and roll. For a minute, it sounded really rock and roll,

and then you mentioned the Anglo-Saxon cemeteries. Yeah, we might have. I've really got into the English Civil War. We may have written touch on some of that. What about, Frank? I think Pierre, you know what he's going to try and get you onto? What? The Congolese.

The Congolese minerals. Here's a question. Harder to go on a tour there, though. I've just read the last five books I've read have all been about the English Civil War five consecutive the last one I read

and they've all been excellent was a book called Restless Republic and it's written it's a serious book yeah and it's about the it's a serious book, yeah? And it's about the period when there was no king in England, when Cromwell was run a protectorate. Was that interregnum?

Yeah, so it was the Republic, the British Republic, the English Republic. But it's a serious academic book and brilliant. I'd recommend if anyone's interested. But it's written by a woman called... Oh, dear. What? No, no, I'm finished. That was the France Skinner show on Absolute Radio.

I haven't finished yet. Frank will be back next week. I haven't finished. That is at the end of the sentence. Imagine if the producer edited it there on the podcast. It's written by a woman called Anna Key. No. And where does she live, Frank?

In the UK. I didn't know. I said to a friend, I've just read five books in consecutive and they've all been good. Did David say show off? No, it wasn't. And they said, oh, what were they? And I said, oh, well, there's Houghton's book

on Cromwell. And then I said, and The Restless Republic. And he said, oh, yeah, by Anna Key. And I hadn't, I'd missed a pun. But it can't be a pun because she's a real serious historian.

You could have had such a nice little who's on first exchange. Restless Republic, Anarchy, it was, yes. But, yeah, what do you make of it? I think, well, it's normative determinism, isn't it? Yeah. I suppose if you're a kid called Anarchy, someone's going to start talking to you about the concept of anarchy quite early on,

much earlier than any other child. Well, I... You'll develop an interest. I worked with a guy called Niven Smith, and I said to him, he was about 20, and I said, were you named after David Niven? And he said, who's that? What?

And I thought, somebody would have mentioned Niven. Anyway. And in case you're thinking, this was a long time ago, but it's not just because he's, you know, young and a young excuse for everything. And listen, Sarah Champion. Sorry, were you saying something? No, I want to keep the last line of the show

as young excuse for everything. Anyway, Sarah Champion is up next. She'll like that segue. And, oh, guess what? This Wednesday, Series 9 of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast starts. The first episode will be... TS Eliot. Not as hard as you think.

My fave. It's actually one of his more accessible poems, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. Let us go then, you and I, etc. Download it from wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for doing that in anticipation. Thanks for listening this morning. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise,

we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.