The Frank Skinner Show - ABBA-salute

Episode Date: February 24, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank went for his first outing since being ill and is worried he's been breaking the law. The team also discuss Hartley Hare, clickbait and the first Brummie celeb.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215, follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Don't follow our X's though, they're often quite bitter. And you can email us via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. I like that, the collective exes of the show. Well, you just imagine, if you got our exes together, there'd be quite a lot of vitriol. You think?

Oh. Yeah. That'd be a show in itself. I tend to leave a barren wasteland behind me. Yeah, I like the scorched earth policy. Yeah, I know. You know, we all come away wounded.

Morning, everyone. Good morning. So, yes, I'm sorry I haven't been here the last two weeks. I say that to anyone who's noticed because I've had, well, as it said on my lab results, influenza A. I don't know what that means. I'm not

going to give you some, this is not a multiple choice illness where there's influenza A. I don't know what that means. I'm not going to give you some... This is not a multiple-choice illness where there's influenza A, pneumonia B. No. You didn't get a year assigned to your flu, though. You know how they do that? No, I didn't get a year. The 1914 or whatever. You know when they do that.

That's true, yeah. I didn't know they did that. Like wine. Oh, that was a good year. Yeah, exactly. I've heard people slightly boasting, saying, well, I had the 1914. No, mine was slightly corked, I think. So anyway, I'm off my sickbed, and I'm tempted to say, I'm back, I'm back, you're on the right track.

As a matter of fact, I'm back, but you can't say that anymore. you're on the right track as a matter of fact I'm back but you can't say that anymore um so I my first outing apart from several gigs I did most of the gigs I was due to do because the show must go on as I think Freddie Mercury once said and then broke his own rule of course um I um yeah I finally had a social outing and even though i still felt quite ill my partner dragged me to can you guess where my partner dragged me i think i think i can guess yes it was i wasn't abba related i went on yet another voyeur the fact that pierre and I both guessed that. I know.

I mean, that's my second and her fifth. That's mad. ABBA voyage. Although, to be fair, I mean, you could get as close as possible and the holograms would never get sick. No. From you. That's true.

Well, I'm no longer allergic. I should make that clear in case there's anyone switching their radio off in panic. Yeah, so we went again i have to say there is something incredibly satisfying about raising your hands as high as you can and waving them side to side to the rhythmic pulsing of the chorus of Chiquitita. Oh. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dum. Wave, wave, wave, wave. Your individuality

evaporates and the audience become like a box of maggots. It's really quite... It's how I imagine the Russian Revolution must have felt in its early days. They should put all this on the poster. I think I would go if I saw... Yeah?

You will become as to a box of maggots. Your individuality evaporates, Frank Skeeter. You know when they do the dot dot dots in quotes on posters? Individuality evaporates dot dot dot box of maggots dot dot dot Russian Revolution. It's up there with very cruel.

You know what, Frank, I need Kath to help me get over my fear, because you know my, I'm really frightened of holograms. I really don't like them. And she needs, I need to go with her to this. Well, I would love to take some, I want to take a Martian

really, and sit with them at the back and see if they notice yeah that it isn't real people up there yes you need someone for me the only um clue is when you get like big shots of them on the screen close-ups i think agnata I think Agneta, what we used to call the blonde one. We didn't know. I think she said, oh, I've got bags under my eyes. And they've said, no, but that's what you had in 1974. And she said, yeah, I don't care what I had in 1974. I want those gone.

Get rid of the bags. So she looks, for me, a bit computer game. The others look really authentic. But I think she's allowed vanity to step in the way of reality. We've all done it. I'm trying to think of an occasion when I've done it, but I can't. I'm not sure you have done it, actually. No, I don't think I have. There was something, though, that I noticed about one of their greatest hits,

which has been nagging at me ever since. This is the thing about going there twice, of course. You start studying the finer points. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Anyway, we were just talking about the fact that they could have a one-off channel on Absolute called Abba Salute Radio, in which it was just a salute to ABBA.

Maybe on some anniversary or something. Just a little tip there for our bosses. Last time I suggested Absolute Now, which was modern music. Yeah. I got a text from the boss saying, well, we actually do do something. It's not called that, but it's the same thing. That was so embarrassing when you did that. I saw a sign advertising beds.

Golf. Absolute Zeds. Golf sale. Golf sale. It kept spinning. I couldn't read it. Yeah. What did you see?

It was advertising like a mattress or bed company or something. Oh, yeah. And it was something like how to get your absolute zeds, like your sleep. But I did think absolute zeds could be a lot of people listen to podcasts to go to sleep. People say that to me, yeah. I think the poetry podcast is safe as houses

to get people to sleep. I know it comes from a good place, but people will often say that. Yeah, I love having it on the show when I'm... They say it about this show, I listen to it, and it sends me to sleep. Yeah, absolute zeds. Great.

Can be a new channel. What do they use for fun? Whale music. Anyway, what I noticed, I was listening in detail to the song, the popular Eurovision contest winner, Waterloo, which I guess was ABBA's big break internationally. Yeah. And it's partly about the Battle of Waterloo, and it begins, my, my,

as many people must have said at battles, obviously, my, my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. That's how it begins. But I noticed, listening to the song, that the Duke of Wellington never gets a mention in the song, and he won. He won the Battle of Waterloo, and he doesn't get the name check. The disrespect.

And the winner takes it all. We've been reliably informed by other. Well, obviously unreliably. The winner doesn't even get mentioned. It's sort of, I remember, it's one of the first times for many years I've thought of Matt Cardle. Matt Cardle. Do you know who that is, Pierre?

Do you know him? Exactly. Because he won X Factor when One Direction came third. Oh, that is a... So, of course, One Direction, One Direction, One Direction. That is a terrible crown. Matt Cardall is the Duke of Wellington. Yeah, forgotten.

Do you think that it's the case that ABBA just are of the opinion that the real winner was General Blucher, the Prussian? They don't mention him either. He's the one who wore the white boots. He had an influence on ABBA. He was the one who wore the white boots, wasn't he, Blucher?

Blucher? Yeah. He's a cavalryman. I think he was famous for he wore white boots. A bit like many years ago, Alan Ball, the Everton midfielder, wore white boots when everyone wore black football boots. So he said,

because I know sometimes they need to find me desperately to help them, the other teammates. And I think Bluka had a similar thing. They'll see my white boots and feel safe. If I've made this up, then I'm... Anyway, it was a lovely evening at Abba Voyage and ended with my favourite end to every evening. Any offers? I like the sound of this.

Free tote bag. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, Ruth Jordan, one of our regulars. Of course, I haven't forgotten Ruth. I've had two weeks, I've never forgotten Ruth Jordan. Morning all. Good to have you back, Frank. Thank you, Ruth.

Those are Ruth's words, but, you know, I also feel them. As Frank has now been to Abba Voyage twice, I wondered wondered brace yourself whether he'd consider giving I can't even say the word Hamilton another go over to you Frank Skinner

well no your witness the difference is I liked Abba Voyage first time Hamilton was I thought I can sit at home Your witness. The difference is I liked Abba Voyage first time. Oh, dear. Hamilton was, I thought, I can sit at home with run-of-the-mill hip-hop on the radio

and read Wikipedia and it's the same experience. That's true. Or if there was some sort of rhyming Wikipedia put together using a kind of rhyming dictionary. Oh, don't remind me. She started a fabulous orphanage, the first in New York City. What are you doing?

This is not what it's about. You have to do stuff with the word. It would be so devastating to stand up in the front row of a show and say what are you doing? You know, I had this experience. I like Frank I like the idea of Frank going into the rehearsal saying, Lynn

what are you doing? I had this experience. Look, I know a lot of people love it and I have to respect anything that's much loved but it just passed me. So I've had certain most of all of those things when you're in an audience and you're looking

around you and think what are you liking what is it you're liking that I can't see turning around to face them the audience, what are you liking what are you liking what can you see that I cannot see although I did turn around to do that,

and Amanda Holden just looked at me in a kind of a, what's happening? Can you tell me why people like this? So I felt I found another kindred spirit. At least you found a friend. That's nice. But I had a similar experience. Remember, it's been a long time since I last did the show,

but I was about to, I had to take my dog to a gig because Kath was away and I didn't want to leave the dog on its own all night. So I did a gig in Maidenhead, no smirking at the back, and I took my dog and there was a point where I looked around in the wings and Omar my tour manager our tour manager was there and the dog also and the dog was looking at I was on stage

you got me Mike there's a crowd you know it's a house. The dog's looking at me like, what on earth are you doing? What are you doing? It was the most... I actually took a picture. I'll put the picture up here. It's a great picture. I should say, Paul Thomas Walsh had actually been in touch regarding this.

He was desperate to know. He said Frank mentioned he was heading to a gig in Maidenhead with... and then what I liked is he says, the dog. Yes. Well, that's what I always call it, the dog. I don't use its name much. How did the dog enjoy this particular comedy event? I'll tell you a bit about it after.

OK. I think we have a natural break. But I'll put the picture I saw of the dog and Omar each looking at me from the wings with slightly different expressions. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yes, I took my dog to a gig. My dog likes to travel with its head out of the window in cars.

It does that thing. Yes. So I wasn't driving, obviously, because the tour manager takes care of that. But I have that thing when I'm driving that I'm on the motorway or something and I look in the wing mirror and I can see the dog actually experiencing G-force.

The face, the lips stretch back and the ears stretch. But still doing it. Yeah. Something about having your entire face pulled backwards is just the dog's favourite thing. Yeah, well, obviously it's become very popular in the showbiz. I was going to say, it's soon to be my favourite thing. Yeah, but it'd be much easier to just look out of a car window

on the motorway and hope it sticks. Yes, and to quickly put some crocodile clips on the back of your head. I think that you should do that. If you're a Hollywood actor, just say, I will only be in films that involve me being in a fast-moving vehicle. That thing about...

What was that thing that James Corden did when you sang karaoke, carpool karaoke? Oh, yeah. That could have been the initial idea, that people would go on it and say, oh, yeah, I'd like that because that makes me look younger, that wind in my face. Well, I know these people who wear, you know, your high buns.

I know your tricks. Oh, yeah. I know what you're doing with your high ponytails. The other similarity between dogs and plastic surgery LA people is that you shouldn't leave them in a hot car. No, that's true. Look what happened to Laika when they forgot to leave the window open on his space capsule.

Please don't even mention that. It's very true. Yeah. Anyway, when I said I got Omar to phone up and say, can Frank bring his dog? And they said about this for 2024. They said, well, two members of staff are allergic. So can you keep the dog in the dressing room?

I said, I'll just scotch guard it. So that's what I did. I just sprayed it over, keep the dandering. Can I say he didn't do that? Yeah. So it's got like a hot came and arrived in a sort of hard plastic shell, like a 70s pensioner who's just had a shampoo and set. So was that the rule?

You had to keep him... Well, her. Her, I'm sorry. Yeah, pronouns very important. You said this to me on the podcast. Did you just say to the venue manager, well, I promise not to rub my dog on any of the staff? No, I just thought, oh, that's what I thought.

And then the dog went in the wings. I mean, it didn't get close enough to anyone to infect them. Anyway, went to the gig, and I put a picture up on our what's it called? Social media. And you can see the view of the dog watching me from the wings, which is a

peculiar image. Can I ask you a question which might betray me as someone who's been breaking the law for 40 odd years? Okay. How comfortable do you feel about this, Pierre? We'll soon find out. On the scale of the crime.

You know when you see... You know the maximum national speed limit sign? Yeah. Which is white with a black bar across it. Yes. I have taken that my whole life to mean you can drive at 70 miles an hour now. Mm.

And then someone said to me, no, no, it doesn't mean that. You get it on small country lanes. And I said, yeah, but I still drive at 70 miles an hour when I see. That's 60, isn't it? No, but someone said to me, no, it means, sometimes it just means, like, the maximum speed limit for a road like this. It can't mean that, can it?

Well, the trouble is that I grew up and learned to drive on the Isle of Man, where that sign means there is no speed limit. Oh. Even if it is a tiny country lane. Yeah. So it just means, see what you can do. As someone who did a speed awareness course recently,

I can exclusively reveal that I have no idea what the answer to that question is. When I see I hit the pedal, I think I might have been doing a bad thing. But one of our very smart listeners, stroke readers, will know the answer to that. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. By the way, have you noticed this phenomenon now? I think it might be part of the clickbait phenomenon. When it says how many words are in people's messages.

Oh, what's that? words are in people's messages so you say um dave wellings issues a five word message on his feud with plumb is that supposed to draw us in is that you're supposed to think oh well i've got time for five words no i think it is that because they have on some content websites, as I believe they're called now. Oh, yeah. As opposed to what? Websites with no content. Well, exactly. There are plenty of those. But they'll have something at the top saying four minute read, two minute

read or seven minute read. That's very handy. Yes. I always thought the five word thing is the number of words to me implies that about half of them are obscenities. Oh. Like a four-letter word. They could say Dave Wellings is brusque. They could say that, but they don't say that.

They say an issue they use, like issues of five. Does he issue it? They never say Dave Wellings gives short shrift. Types. Types are five-word messages is what they should say. Types. Issues. Who is he? Lord Beaverbrook. I don't know.

I have fallen for it. I've really started to fight the clickbait. Have you? Yeah, because on football things you get it a lot, like West Brom with Ronaldo link. But you haven't fallen...

And then you look it up and there's an Albion player who was on a train that Ronaldo was on two years ago. Also that you'll never believe what happened next when you keep clicking through. I've fallen victim to those. Keep clicking the arrows. Why do we keep falling?

You know, the wedding photos they weren't allowed to show. I just never click on anything. Have you seen the dog one, Frank? Oh, I've gone down the dog hole. Yes. They thought it was a dog. They thought you'll never believe what they were told.

Obviously, I'm going to click on that because there's a picture of something that looks like a weird slug alien. Or like a white poodle in a kind of well. Yes. That sounds all right. Oh, I know, you're drawing me in. Poodle in well, you say. But it looks like it's under the water, it looks like,

and you think, but there is a dog, isn't it? Yeah. Did you go in? I looked at it, but I didn't click it. So did I. That'll be a dog looking over the top of a well. A narcissist dog. And there being a reflection.

Yeah. And it always ends in the same way. It always ends with the vet saying... It's all right, I know what a narcissist is. You don't have to explain it. It ends, in fact, with the vet saying, how dare you? You should have told me.

There was an argument with the vet. What was the upshot? What was it, a dog? And the vet is revolted. And so people click it because they want to know why the vet was revolted. Oh, no. I'd be worried about that,

that that might be somewhat really horrible. But because they're always in the same shape box, you can always see that it's just a nonsense link to nothing. Yeah, but I always fall for these bridesmaids upstage the bride. I always fall for those kind

of seedy, dark ones like that. Dogging well, I don't know. That's me. Do you know what? But upstage in Bridesmaids. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, you've got to have a hobby. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow us on X and Instagram at frankontheradio or you can email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk

Many have. Here is the evidence. We have. I mean this is, I'm going to call it a very our readers which is anything to do with the national speed limit. Oh yeah. They do like, they do like getting in touch about that.

Have I been breaking the law for 40-odd years? Well, we've had a number of people getting in touch. I've singled out two contributions which I particularly liked. Geoff Featherstone. He sounds like he'll know. He sounds like he runs the Speed Awareness Course. Hello, I'm Geoff Featherstone. I'm your Speed Awareness course instructor.

I can see that. It's one of those double names of someone who... It's someone who gets referred to by their full name in the office at all times. Yeah. Well, just... Yeah, well, that's Geoff Featherstone. Geoff Featherstone across this. Yeah, he just...

I mean, I don't know, Geoff, what you're like, but you just sound, like, very reliable. Yeah. Do you know what? I would really trust you, Geoff, what you're like, but you just sound, like, very reliable. Yeah. Do you know what? I would really trust you, Geoff, to give me directions. Certainly to know about the national speed limit. He knows everything about roads, Geoff. Let's hear it.

OK, here we go. High, starts Geoff. OK. Oh, he's let me down a bit. Yeah, what were you hoping for? I didn't think he'd sound like a cast member from Glee. It's because he's in the rush. I thought he'd begin so.

Oh, yeah. And gesture with both hands. No, I would have gone for an FYI. I like Keir Starmer. Every picture I see of Keir Starmer talking to people, he seems to be talking about the big fish that got away. He didn't begin with the Simon Cowell. Well, look.

Yeah, no. Anyway. Anyway, Jeff begins. Hi. The national speed limit is 60 miles an hour on single lane carriageways and 70 miles an hour on dual carriageways. Okay.

Unless it is a built upup area with streetlights, in which case it is 30 miles per hour. Geoff has also included a link to gov.uk. Oh, that's nice. And that's what I love about Geoff. Confident. But you get streetlights on quite big dual carriageways, don't you?

And built-up area, yeah. It's vague. I'm just going to stick with driving at 70 miles an hour when I see it. See what happens. And the devil take the hindmost. Just to back Jeff up, Nat in the wild. Do you think anyone at a speed awareness course has ever said, and the devil take the hindmost?

Now, look, Mr Wellesley. No, but what about when I did the speed awareness course recently? You know you're not on Zoom now. You've done it twice, haven't you? Alright. Alright, Mr. 70 miles an hour on it. It's the first time you've become aware. Anyway, I did it recently and you do it on the Zoom now, of course.

You don't go to the hotel. Have you ever done it in a hotel? That is a very big question. How long have you got? I'm so sorry. Yeah. Sorry, Frank. And I must admit, my speed awareness was...

Oh, my. My antennae was raised on my speed awareness. Carry on. It used to be in a terrible hotel, and now they do it in Alton Zoo. That's a shame, isn't it? Because then you get to meet different people. Oh, it was fascinating.

It was like some brilliant Radio 4 play where all these people came together. Yeah, like Agatha Christie. All joined by our crime. All linked by the crime. It was very Murder joined by our crime. Yeah. All linked by the crime. It was very murder on the Orange Express. Yeah. And then they do it on the Zoom now.

On the Orange Expressway. National speed limit apart. I don't know if you can say Orient anymore, can you? No, you can in the context of a, you know. But you can still say Leighton Orient. Yeah. It's still around. So, but now they do it, and you get singled out.

So the woman pointed to me at one point, they'll ask questions, and she said, Emily, can you tell us, would the national speed limit apply? Here's a photograph. And then they gave me some options, and I said, is it 30 miles an hour? And do you know what she said? I got the answer wrong.

She went, oh, bless you. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh. Unawareness. an hour and you know what she said i got the answer wrong she went oh bless you oh no unawareness yeah bless your unawareness bless your unaware little heart yeah exactly oh that's so sweet it was so shaming and did you say i've already done one and i still don't know that uh you're just not listening oh you're on You're on your phone. I know what people are like now in classes. They're on their phones. Yeah. They're looking at TikTok things of dogs smoking and stuff

like that. Oh, the world. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. 195 has been in touch a bit more anonymous than the Jeff Featherstones of this world Dearest Frank et al

you are obliged not to have a phone in sight on speed awareness courses and if it rings or buzzes you are asked to leave with nil point for attendance we were told on several occasions at one point one of the other Zoomites you could hear family members go, I've told you, go there, in the background. And the speed awareness instructor didn't like it.

She said, I'm sorry, could you please, I will have to ask you to tell those people to refrain from shouting or I will have to ask you to leave the course. Kicked off the Zoom. You can't help his wife shouting at him. That is strict. It gives me terrible flashbacks to lockdown Zoom comedy gigs, doing gigs on Zoom. You'd have to explain to the audience over and over again, you must mute yourselves.

Oh, yeah. But then you don't hear them laughing. The solution that was arrived at was that you would have a reliable digital front row of 10 to 15 good laughers who were gig regulars. And then the other 200 people muted. Because one guy, it's obviously also if they haven't set the room up right, whoever speaks or makes noise then fills the screen. And you'd have a guy making a smoothie with his blender and he'd fill the screen while the comedian was on. And he'd have left the gig on in the background

and just see a man in his kitchen, shirtless and hunched, making a smoothie. Shirtless and hunched is one of the best double acts I ever saw. Now a fine legal firm. People never get the lighting right on Zoom. They make no effort. What about when they leave it all dark and shadowy? Why is the only awareness course speed?

There's lots of other crimes that people could be talked out of. Murder is bad, guys. What about, you know, there's an agency that pursues men who don't pay their child support. Is it CSA, I believe? They could have a seed awareness course where people are told about the responsibilities and implications of casual liaison.

Greed awareness course for bankers and side traders. 5.3.1, as 5.3.1 has pointed out, is speed awareness on something called Zoom sending out the right kind of message that's very good that is very good I think you have a career in comedy awaiting you but don't call me

I'm afraid you've got to go on your own in this crazy old world I meant the world of comedy not world generally obviously people help in that okay yeah i think we've sorted out the speed limit i'm sticking with my former thing and hoping for the best yeah it never seemed quite right to me that 70 mile an hour on a winding single country track. No. I like that it's taken you this long to work out what maybe you were speeding. I find that country

people drive 70 miles an hour everywhere. Yes. And they're often drunk. So I think the country is a different, it's just different rules apply

yes I do remember one of my mother's friends who shall remain nameless who is a country dweller and she drove us home one night and she got into the back of the car and I thought that wasn't a good sign I think when you've got a very very

muddy car you start worrying about its welfare and those contained within it. It's just so moddy, you think, oh, who cares? Who cares anymore? Over the cliff. The dirt is a badge of honour for the country folk on the car. Yeah, of course.

If there's any country folk listening, by the way, I don't know if you've got reception, but we love and respect you we're just talking about your different ways mike i don't know if this gentleman is called mike comma fishing in the countryside or mike fishing comma in the countryside it's just fishing, comma, in the countryside. It's just the importance of punctuation here. It changes everything. I've never heard of anyone called fishing. Oh, well, Carrie.

Can you think of a fishing? No, but there is Cushing. That's the closest I've ever come to fishing. Yeah. But anyway, Mike, comma, fishing. Yeah. Good morning, Frank, and the other beautiful people. Nice. I'm already all Mike, fishing. Yeah. Good morning, Frank and the other beautiful people. Nice. I'm already all over Mike.

Well, we're all gods chilling. Yes. I am a country boy. Money have I none, but I've got treasure in the stars and gold in the morning sun. I'm afraid we don't accept that here, sir. Oh, OK. Can I just go back to my car? No, I need you to stay hidden.

But last night I was driving slowly in London town... In London town. ..off to see a show with, my surprise, the Piero Novelli, as a warm-up act. Yes. Oh, OK. But as soon as I left the city limits, I was flat-out crazy speed. OK. So once he felt back in the bosom of nature, it was time to...

He's being coy, because I think I know what road he's referring to. I think, could it be as well, if you spend so much time in your day behind a tractor, that when you get an open road, you absolutely go crazy? You've got to make the most of it. You've got to make the most of it. And when there's no sheep in the road. Oh, yeah.

Song sheep, as they call it in the countryside. Oh, yeah. Song sheep, as they call it in the countryside. 683 says, hello, Frankenteam. On awareness courses, my colleagues and I are to be subjected to a fire awareness course due to lacklustre performance during drills. They're not firefighters, are they? I hope not. No. I do hope not.

But I do like the idea of going on a fire awareness course. Led by Frankenstein. Fire bad. I don't care. We need you all to know this is fire is bad. Fire bad. Fire bad. Run away. Mopic's giving

a fire awareness course. I don't like swaggering at a fire drill though. Some people think oh, you know. I don't like swaggering at a fire drill, though. Some people think, oh, you know, I'm not, you know, I take my time. You think, oh, no, just play the game. I'm not impressed by the fact that you think, no, I'm not, you know, I know it's not real. I've worked out that this isn't a real fire. No, because it happens.

Like, if I phone my management company on Tuesday morning, there's a fire drill at 11 o'clock every morning. Now, if you wanted to destroy my management company, and there's several comedians who used to be there who do, set fire to it at around half ten on a Tuesday morning and people will just sit there and perish because that's when they get their drill. So I don't know if I should...

What if that happens? I'm going to feel terrible about it. You're going to feel awful for it. Yeah. As long as my financial records are safe. We've heard from someone regarding my past comments on the disturbing nature of British kids TV. I commented that British kids television, South African kids TV was very Americanized, very Hollywood.

And when I moved here, I was horrified to discover that the kids TV seemed to feature largely sort of handmade flaps of cloth filmed in a shed somewhere right budget of about seven pounds and always a puppet handler with a cravat yeah yeah i was quite disturbed by it and um this is this is sent by the name is it's signed off who's asking which i respect yeah um no praise You'd only redact it anyway. Listening the other day, I was amused by Pierre's comment about the disturbing nature of DIY creatures. Had he arrived in the UK a couple of decades earlier, he would have seen Pipkins featuring Hartley Hare. Oh, yes. Whose design was surely inspired by some puppet maker's memory of a pleasant bit of gardening being ruined when he dug in the wrong place and unearthed the remains of the long departed family rabbit. If you are unsettled by the Tipton Slashers

monkey, do not Google Hartley Hare. Well, Hartley Hare, I had a flashback to Hartley Hare. I don't know if you remember Frankie Boyle's TV show, Something Nights.

It was a drug name that I can't remember. I'm afraid it was. Am I allowed to say the name of it? I think you can say it. I believe it was Tramadol. Yes, exactly. There was a sketch in it in which a sort of magical rabbit

appeared to some children and then was tortured by them. And I still now have flashbacks of images. It is the most disturbing thing I've ever seen on television. And you've seen some things. Yeah, and it literally kept me awake.

I still think, you know, whenever I've met Frankie Ball, he seemed like a really nice man. You know, he sent me a poetry book. But the fact that that came from his mind worries me well this is from the man that wrote shane too well i've googled heartly hair and um yes it's it's it's it's revolting it's a distra it's a distressing i like tartly hair because it

had a birmingham accent as i recall. I think so, yes. Yes, I think it did, Frank. First celebrity Brummie? Well, not the first. Who was the first celebrity Brummie? 8, 12, 15? I think there was a woman on jukebox jewellery called Marilyn, was she? Did she say, I'll give it five?

She said, I'll give it five. Yeah, and that became a national catchphrase. Was she a celebrity or a member of the public? Well, what's the difference nowadays? Yeah. She was the first to... Yeah, she was one of the first to let the velvet rope. Do they all just leave the velvet rope now?

Well, you know, I think now. Who's the big... I once turned up at a restaurant where there was paparazzi outside and they said, all right, Frank, no photos were taken. And then a woman arrived behind me and it was like an electrical storm of photography

and I said, who is that? And they said she came third in Britain's next top model and I thought so that's where we are so this is it yeah I can relax and these people can take over all the sort of

dull celebrity work of having your photo taken going to clubs and all being photographed pretending you don't know that they're filming you on a beach when they've actually paid for your holiday. These people have arrived to take that from us and we can get on with some proper work.

You and Hartley Hare can go for noodles. Exactly, exactly. People like Hartley, who was a genuine performer. Did you know Hartley had a lot of integrity? Yeah. I think he was... Wasn't he related to David Hare, the playwright? I think they're a bit of a dynasty.

What a niche joke. A theatrical dynasty. David Hare jokes on Absolute Radio. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radioner Absolute Radio Absolute Radio 353 has got in touch

we were asking a question earlier Pierre which was who was the first I think you were asking who was the first Celebrity Brummie Celebrity Brummie a fine question

and 353 has attempted to answer it Dear Frank and colleagues I like colleagues. It's quite Jeff Featherstone. Jeff should have gone for the colleagues. Sure. I like his confidence. Sure.

First celebrity Brom-y was Matthew Bolton. Who's that? Well, Matthew Bolton was an engineer who was a central figure in the Industrial Revolution as it manifested in Birmingham. There's a statue of Murdoch, Watt and Bolton outside

Birmingham. Well, it used to be outside Birmingham Registry Office and somebody had the idea of painting it absolutely as gold as gold paint comes. Like the C3PO had got two brothers and they met up at last. And it's three men looking

at like a scroll. You know, it's probably a blueprint of a steam engine or something of that nature. But I would think there would be earlier ones than Matthew Bolton. We've had some contradictory information about Hartley Hare.

Oh, yeah? Is this Paul Conair? Oh, it's not going to be no longer with us. Well, what about... Share Paul Conair, which is French to know, so he should know what he's talking about. Paul Conair. He says, Hi, all. I hate to contradict,

but I remember Hartley Hare being quite posh. Unfortunately, it was Pig who had a Brummie accent. And to make matters worse, his catchphrase was, my name's Pig and I like food. Say what you see, Pig. All right, Pig. I think you're absolutely right. I do apologise. No, no, that was my fault.

I gave Hartley Hare the... I'm trying to find the corrections jingle, but I can't find it. I'll tell you what. I've looked up pig, and he's got horrible dead button eyes. Oh, brace yourself for one of the worst mixed jingles that's ever happened on radio.

Correctioni, correctioni, ole, ole, ole. This is the early days of the radio jingle. So it was Pig. It was Pig. My name's Pig and I like food. Yeah. Not a lot of... Stereotyping.

Not a lot of depth and analysis possible with Pig's character. Yes, I'm remembering that because Hartley Hare was a little bit more... Yeah, it was a bit more refined aristocratic yeah they were very cruel to the way they portrayed Pig I felt well in the end there was a murder in one of the episodes

and they threw it into Pig's sty and it was a big thing about even the teeth I remember was can I just say can I just reassure everyone that never please Teeth, I remember, was what they said. Can I just reassure you on that? Never act... Please.

My name's Pig and I like food. Has the body disappeared? Even the teeth. Even the teeth became his catchphrase on the show. Even the teeth. Even the teeth. Children going round the playground shouting even the teeth. Yes, it was...

I thought it was a mistake. That was Jumping the Shark episode. Hang on, Frank, why was it called Pipkin then? Who was Pipkin? I thought we had Hartley, Hare and Pig. It was called Pipkins, I believe. OK. I don't know who that collective group were.

Between Hartley, Hare and Pig and Biffo the Bear, I'm astonished anyone slept for decades. Well, they didn't. They were on all sorts of... Biffo the Bear was not on Pitkin's. No, no, no. Before we get loads of... I just mean in general, these disgusting-looking animals.

Well, it's all subjective, of course. OK. Can I just share very briefly this suggestion with you? Lee Delaware, what about Catholic confirmation classes? Would they be a creed awareness course? Oh, yeah, that's good. I like that a lot. They're so clever, our readers.

I love them. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Here's the thing. On the 4th of February, them. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I, um, here's the thing. On the 4th of February, I was home. I was home. I watched the first half

of Back to the Future 2. Oh, yes. I couldn't make neither head nor tail of what was happening. Was this when they actually go back? They go to the future instead of the past? They go...

No, they go all over the place. They go to where they originally did the car thing and then they go back to the 50s and it's all over. Yeah, but that's no form of slogan, Frank. You can't say, back to the future too, they go all over the place. No. Anyway, I was very confused. On the 17th of February, some 13 days later,

I watched it and it was totally clear to me, the whole thing. I thought, oh, yeah, this is what's happening. And I have long had a theory that films and timing is very important. For example, when I was about 13, I watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and thought it was one of the best things I'd ever seen.

Then I watched it when I was about 25 and thought it was hogwash. Oh. Vice versa, I saw Apocalypse Now when I was about 11. I was so bored. I just sat thinking about other things in the cinema. Then I watched it when I was about 25. I thought it was a masterpiece. I just think with films, we all think,

oh, I like that film or I don't like that film. But I think you've got to eat it on the right day. It's so dependent. And did nothing happen in between those two February dates to change your... You didn't happen to glance at the Wikipedia page for Back to the Future 2? No.

I had influenza, but I don't think that cleared anything up in my brain. Do you know, I completely know what you mean, because The Goonies, for example, I walked out of that. One of the few films I've walked out of when I was about 15, I believe, I'd gone with a load of friends, and I thought, I can't of that. One of the few films I've walked out of when I was about 15 I believe. I'd gone with a load of friends and I thought

I can't watch this. It's ridiculous. It was just so silly. I mean it was ridiculous. Heaven forbid. Pirates. I just thought well it's all made up. So I walked out watched it recently. One of the greatest films I've ever seen.

Well I tried The Goonies about a year ago. How did you find it? I couldn't get through it. When were you out? When did you go, no, I'm out? Oh, I would say 25 minutes, maybe. Yeah, that's about when I walked out, Frank. But what moment?

Was there a moment where you went, well, this is too much? It was a moment when I was more inclined to watch the inside of my eyelids than the Goonies. And I'd been to a talk given by Jodie Whittaker in which she named her favourite

films and films, and the Goonies was like her jewel in the crown. I preferred it when I came back to it clearly if you walked out the first time as a 15 year old but there's some i've loved like man with two brains a steve martin film i thought was the funniest film i'd ever seen and then i made the mistake of saying to kath you've got to watch this it's the funniest film you've ever seen and then i watched it and i knew she was thinking what and then i was thinking what i know man it's the worst nervously glancing at someone to see if they're laughing yet you know there's a there's an an old uh greek philosophical thing that you

can't step into the same river twice because the river has moved on and changed and you've changed as well. I think that's true of films. That's what I'm saying. Can't watch the same film twice. Pardon? Can't watch the same film twice. No, I don't think you can.

No. I think because you're part of the film, if you know what I mean. You're who you are and what you're thinking and how you feel. Does it apply to true crime documentaries? They never get to this level. Do they on Kermode

and Maya? No. Oh my God. No, they don't. They don't. There's no philosophy behind it. You can't watch the same film twice

and you can't hear the same music twice here on Absolute. Exactly. No repeat gutter. I love the way you always TCB. Yes.

Always with the promo. Indeedy. Frank's Xen on Absolute Radio. Can I say, we're still getting a lot of praise in for your show, Frank. And Pierre's. Oh, yes. Good, I'm glad. You're storming it, it appears.

How can I answer that? Well, I can because I've seen it. But Pierre was very good. You were both fabulous. Well, you were very good. Now we have to compliment each other. How was I as an audience member? I laughed very loudly.

Excellent. You were the only laugh I heard. No, not true. Well, someone said to me, yeah, that's quite brave, having Pierre as a support, you know, because he's really good. And I said, yeah, but he ain't that good. He is good.

It's a chance to get a double compliment then. I also think that, you know, he's supposed to be giving people a great night out. So you don't want someone who's, you know, not good, is there? It would be, yeah, it would be a different type of person who deliberately booked an awful support and then came out and went, you see, you see how lucky you are. Do you think people ever do that?

I always go for the good ones. Do some comics intentionally do that? Maybe. Some comics do all sorts of things intentionally that you might find remarkable. I think I can imagine some comedians doing that. I'd feel that the audience would turn against me if I did that.

Do you think? They'd say, this is what you think is good, is it? No, they'd say, you knew that person wasn't good and you put him on as a ramp. Now, listen, is how I like to begin a link. Can I say I've never thought that about any support act. That's because I choose well.

You choose wisely. 887. On the topic of films, I first saw the Austin Powers films as a youth. Ah, yes. Now, already I feel 887 has nailed this. Well, I'm interested because I watched

Austin Powers about a month ago. Well, 887 has the mic at the moment. Yeah, no, no, fair enough. I decided to re-watch them recently. I thought there must be so many jokes I didn't get when I was younger, and this

will be brilliant. It wasn't. Side note, it's my birthday and as part of my perfect morning, I'm listening live. Oh, well, happy birthday. So, er... I watched it with Buzz recently, my 11-year-old, and it's disgusting.

Is it? It really... I hated it. What's that one with Beyonce? And I don't even want to go there. Disgusting. There's a horrible character in the third one. Do you know the one I mean? I've only watched the first...

Well, I didn't get through the first one. He's got flaky skin or something. But it reminded me... You know when Donald Trump said, Yeah, it's just dressing room, locker room talk. Locker room talk. It was very much locker room talk. So silly. talk. It was very much locker room talk. So silly.

I don't want to, you know, condemn anyone's work, but I hated it. I don't know if that's contradictory in any way. Obviously, people love it. I was so not expecting the word you used to be disgusted. It was disgusting. I was disgusted by it. I thought, aye, aye, aye.

Aye, aye, aye. Stop that. Stop that. Whereas Wayne's World is another big myos. I love Wayne's World. And that's got some crassness in it, but it's got a heart. You know what I mean? Do you know what we attempted to watch first time round and didn't like?

I recently re-attempted to watch it. Go on. The Sopranos. Do you know what, Frank? Do you want my verdict? Still hate it. Still Dormio ad. Yeah.

I think that you guys are underestimating the extent to which the people involved were real members of the Mafia. Like, that's what they're like. Well, that's not acting. No, does that make it good? Oh, no, you should like this better, Frank, because there's real members of the Mafia in it. No, no, no. Oh, well. No, no's not acting. Does that make it good? Oh, no, you should like this better, Frank, because there's real members of the mafia in it.

No, no, no. Oh, well. That changes everything. And they just turned off. I think it shields it from accusations of silliness, because you go, these people are silly. Well, then the real people are silly. I'm not saying it's silly.

I'm saying that I found myself thinking, I've never noticed my cuticles come so far up my actual nails. You don't understand how much we hated it. Very strange. By the second episode, I was doing my toenails. You got to the second episode? Well, I think I watched about, people said it was a masterpiece. I watched about four of them.

What, old man in a camp outside a cafe? Yeah. Don't he? No, no, I think people, Pierre really likes it. I watched about four of them. What, old man in a cab outside a cafe? Yeah, don't he? No, no, I think people... Pierre really likes it. I know he does. I'm sorry, Pierre. Kids these days have got no attention span. I say maybe I'll watch it when I'm... Frank, apparently we've got no attention span. What do you say to that? We didn't like Sopranos.

Maybe I'll watch it when I'm an old... Oh. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yvette Turley. Mm. I like the sound of her. Coronation Street matriarch, I'm thinking. Oh, OK.

You're not coming in my factory. Janice Nichols was the Brummie. Janice Nichols, yes. On Jukebox Jury. She had a single out called I'll Give It Five. Of course she did. And that's Yvette from West Bromwich. Oh, I love Yvette. Ah, see, she'll remember.

Maybe she even knew Janice. I love the sound of Yvette. 543 says after listening this morning, I'm surprised no one's mentioned Top Of, which was a scary monkey on the wardrobe in Pipkin. I mean, I didn't really. I thought it was Fiddler on the Roof. But I've looked up the top of monkey and it's fine.

It's quite a normal monkey puppet. Not like the hair. That's a strange review of the monkey. It's fine. It's fine. I'm a harsh judge. You're a harsh judge of children's characters. And monkeys.

Yeah. I still think that's an odd review. Fine. It's fine. It's your average monkey puppet, guys. What can I say? What is it? What breed is it?

It looks like a macaque. Oh, a macaque. What's your favourite type of monkey, Frank? I don't mind a macaque. If we're going to spread it to the whole Simeon 8 world, I'd do like a mandrill. Oh, really? Take on with the collars.

They do. Oh, do they? And also they're reversible of course because their back parts are the same design as their front parts Vivid hue They're real multitaskers That's the name of the one I had as a pet

Vivid hue Vivid hue I called him Frank What are the ones Who was the one that you had a really quite an intense encounter with through the glass

that was a chimpanzee oh do you like them I think we all love a chimpanzee I once I went to a talk about chimpanzees I think it was at Whipsnade

and my son who was about six put his hand up at the end you know when they say any questions he put his hand up and said why do they have pink bombs like that and uh the folks said well they sit they sit on them a lot and that wears the fur away and i thought that just isn't true it's it's a it's like a it's a bit more of a mating well do you think he didn't want to go there yeah he didn't want to go there but you know And I thought, that just isn't true. It's like a, it's a bit more of a mating thing. Well, do you think he didn't want to go there? Yeah, he didn't want to go there, but you know. Oh, come on.

Yeah, it's your job, mate. Yeah, you can find a way of putting that across. You didn't wear it off from sitting on. What are you talking about? We didn't come here to hear lies about chimps. No, exactly. A kid puts his hand up about, and you make up that they're so lazy. They've worn the hair off their backsides.

I mean, what are they, in a typing pool or something? You know, they're on tyres. They're working on Shakespeare. They're on tyres, of course. They're on tyres, they're swinging in the air, but somehow... That's the only part that's worn off

they've worn their extraordinary explanation I was like I didn't want to step in because I thought oh well you should have stood up and said

you tell my son the filthy truth about these apes I want the X rated facts yeah get the white I can see a whiteboard in that office

get it out of here. I want the whole, yeah, the naked truth. Oh, I was let down. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Now, what do you think of this? Rachel Veitch has got in touch. Veitch?

No, Veitch. Oh, Veitch. What in touch. Veitch? No, Veitch. Oh, Veitch. What would you say Veitch? V-E-I-T-C-H. I'd say Veitch. OK. She's going to see Frank in Sheffield on her own. Oh, OK.

No one was available, so I booked on my own. I wanted to see him for years. I say respect for going on your own, Rachel. Do you? Yeah, I used to. In my periods of intense loneliness, I went to a lot of going on your own, Rachel. Do you? Yeah, I used to, in my periods of intense loneliness, I went to a lot of shows on my own. The only thing I was resentful about was intervals.

Oh, yes. Because I sat... There's an Edward Hopper painting of people sitting in a theatre on their own in the interval. You know, you get up, you get to the toilet, but you don't want to be in the bar on your own. I know what you mean. Although, I have to say, increasingly,

I don't move from my seat during the interval. Yeah. I hate it. I just think this is a lovely time where I can sort of relax. I don't want to be fighting through these people. No. Yeah, I find that I... That's a multi-sense.

The venue won't approve of my behaviour because they'll be making zero out of me. Sorry. I find two men arrive which lure me out of my seat. Two men? Yeah. One is called Ben and the other one is called Jerry. And they've got a tiny tub.

Yeah, I find them irresistible. Although I find increasingly it's the lone Jude arrives now. Who is that? Jude's ice cream. Oh, I've never seen that. Do you not know Jude? The stripy tub. Oh, it's taken over from Ben and Jerry, I'm afraid.

Oh, I would miss Ben and... Okay, fair enough. Benjamin and Jeremiah, I believe they're called. The Amish ice cream salesman. Yeah, exactly. There's been all sorts of controversy about this Janice Nichols from all the before. Well, 031 says Janice Nichols was from Wensbury,

which is Walsall, not Brum. Well, no, it's... And Patrick continues, and she was on Thank Your Lucky Stars, not Jukebox Jury. Frank Skinner, can you sort this out? Well, as you know, I'm not very inclined to Google, but she might have been. I find those shows interchangeable in my memory.

Yes. OK. Various flaps of cloth arguing with various jumpered adults. Something like that. There was things like jukebox jewellery. There was four people on the panel. Imagine this now. So one week they just had the Beatles on as the panel.

What? I mean, that's a good booking. Wow. Yeah, exactly. Did they sometimes used to bring people on as a sort of... They'd give the review, the guests, and then they'd surprise them by bringing the act on. I can't remember if they did that.

I think there was one. I don't know if that level of cruelty had begun. I think there was some cruelty. Now, of course, you'd have to listen to all the comments. The idea was you hadn't heard the song before, you'd hear it for the first time and you'd talk about whether you liked it or not and give it a score out of five,

which is why I'll give it five. But she might well have been from Wensbury, incidentally, if I remember correctly. It's not far from West Bromwich. And the original West Brom football team, when they were called West Bromwich Strollers, not a name you want to give to a modern team, they walked to Wensbury as a group to buy their first ever football.

That's fantastic, isn't it? You know what we need if we're going to be a football team oh yeah I think they sell them in Wensbury come on off we go Frank you've been enjoying your takis this morning.

I note. Didn't take you long to get back into the swinger, though. I didn't eat takis for two weeks, and you believe it. Were you in a sort of withdrawal? Well, I didn't really eat at all. Takis seem like a mighty challenge. Like eating sticks of fire. Didn't Kath bring you some gruel or something?

My personal assistant came to my house and made me a very large cottage pie, which this is when I started eating again. I had it every meal for four days. Wow. That served you well. What happened? I'm always interested in what

happened. Did you return the Pyrex? Or have you still hung on to it? She did it at my house. She made it. So she used our Pyrex. So Andrew S on the subject of Takis has been in touch. Long time listener. Second time tweeter. I love that level of detail. Very specific.

I trust Andrew S. Because he's across everything. Up until a few weeks ago I hadn't even heard of Takis. Now, I see they're trying to muscle in on Pringles territory. Are they? Takis-ing over. Okay, Andrew S. Spotted in a local shop in Newcastle.

Hashtag snack banter. What about snack banter? Yeah. Snack bants. He's overstepped the mark.htag snack banter. What about snack banter? Yeah. Snack bants. He's overstepped the mark. I like snack banter. It sounds like a character from Game of Thrones.

My lord snack banter is approaching. Just to put it in perspective, Andrew S. Frank is also the person who tried to get cou Coolston to take off as an expression for cool. True, that is true.

I never quite worked out in what context you were going to say it, Frank. How would you say it? Give me an example. So if I was talking to you... In Pulp Fiction, Samuel L. Jackson says, OK, cool and the gang, as in for cool. Yeah. So I thought Coolston is better than cool and the gang. No, it's not.

How do you, why do you think that? Because it's one word? I, okay. If that's the metric, then. How different things would have been had Samuel Jackson said Coolston. That would have been right. It would have been, as you drove towards Coolston,

there would have been a sign saying you are entering Jackson country and a big picture of him. Holding a gun. Yeah, exactly. I got him to do my voice message on my phone. What did he say on it? Did you?

He said, Frank ain't here at the moment. What? Don't get leaving no stupid message. Like all that stuff. Like an angry answer machine message. Ah, Keith. Said to me, who's that on your answer phone? I said, Samuel L. Jackson.

He said, I don't know who that is. I said, you know him. He's like a really, like a big actor guy. And I said, like, he's a black guy, really sort of rugged. And he said, oh, is he, does he do the Halifax adverts? I said, no, that's Howard. Oh, my God. Is he rugged?

Oh, my God. Did it sound like the same man? Yeah, exactly. No, it's not him. I wouldn't ask Howard to commit a hit. No. Imagine if Howard had been in Pulp Fiction. Oh, man.

Where is he now, Howard? Was he in Bromley? I don't know. Anyway, look, Sarah Champion's up next. Listen to Sarah. The strange end to the show. What's up from Halifax and Bromley? Anyway, on that bombshell.

Yeah. So, look, the finals is slightly sad. The final episode of Series 9 of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast is out on Wednesday. It concerns a poem by the British poet Martin Bell. If you read about Martin Bell, a chain smoker, heavy drinker, who just talks about poetry all the time. Sounds brilliant.

And it's a poem about Groucho Marx, which I think is fantastic. So check it out. And thanks for listening this morning. It's great to be back. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again at this time next week.

Now get out.