The Frank Skinner Show - Ade Memoir

Episode Date: May 8, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has a new TV show idea and has got a new puppy! The team also discuss Ade Edmondson’s Bank Holiday fiasco, Harry Redknapp’s upcoming Eastenders cameo and ‘that’ll do’ lyrics.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81250, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Those are your options. Take them if you will. I enjoyed that little bit of nostalgia about drinking. It reminded me of when Mike Ashley, the director of Newcastle United, was in court and he described himself as a power drinker.

Oh, wow. It seems unbelievable to me now that I would go out and have, like, 12 pints of Mild in an evening. Right. I mean, it's extraordinary. Because you don't seem that mild, is it? Is that the bit that's unbelievable? No, it's...

Mild still exists, even. I'm out of touch with drinking culture altogether. Anyway, let's not. There'll be a lot of people with hangovers that don't want to hurt, especially if they've been putting a barley wine in it. Anyway. Here we are. Good morning to you all.

Even the drink that she drank don't exist anymore. Mild and barley wine. Absolute 1940s. Now, what you used to do is have a pint of milder when it went down a bit someone would say you want a pint and you'd say put a put a barley wine in there and they'd pour one of these things and they were strong man barley what do you not know that one of my five grandfathers used to drink that oh okay i remember waking up somehow i. I was on a swing, but I was on a swing the way they hang a dead man over a horse in a cowboy car. So my hands and feet were touching the ground.

And I'd got drunk on barley wine. And I was on a swing in a park with all these children standing about 50 yards away looking terrified. You see, that's the poignancy. I think the worst hangovers I've had are when I can hear, I might have stayed at a friend's house and I can hear the children waking up going, yeah, mommy. Yeah, their beautiful purity

and innocence compared with our poisoned souls. Yeah. Absolute radio. Absolute radio where real drinking matters. And now it doesn't. I haven't had a drink since September the 24th, 1986

for goodness sake. All the rest is memories through the pages of my mind. And you've converted all the presenters on this show. Al, when did you last drink, roughly speaking? I think it was the 8th of February, yeah, about six, seven years ago.

Wow. And I'm about three years ago. Wow, what's happened? Anyway. I'm going back to it. Wow, what's happened? Anyway. I'm going back to it, though. Don't worry. Do you think we'll get fired from Absolute Radio? I'd like to think I've got it to fall back on.

Yeah. I quite fancy that Nick Cage goes to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. Oh, yeah. I've got Smethwick lined up for my destination of choice. I was going to do Bridlington. Oh, love. Oh, it's up by the sea. It's grid.

Yeah, grid. I'll stick to London if that's OK with you, Steve. I remember Leeds United played in what was called the Fares Cop Final. And in the programme notes, they had a bloke called Ronnie Hilton, I think he was called the Fairs Cop Final. And in the programme notes, they had a bloke called Ronnie Hilton, I think he was called. I think he's the man who sang Glory, Glory Leeds United. And he was saying,

I'll be backing you in Brid, was the headline. And he was doing a variety show in Bridlington on the night of the Fairs Cop Final, but he was assuring the fans that he'd be with them in spirit. I think it made quite a big difference to their performance that night. Ronnie Hilton, spiritual presence. And Arnold Schwarzenegger went on to amend and steal his catchphrase. What, I'll be back?

I'll be back. Oh, not I'll be in breed. Unless she was referring to Bridget Nielsen, of course. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I'll tell you what happened. I got a dog this week. You never. I did, yeah.

You did? Yeah, I got a dog. Wow. who did that? yeah I got a dog wow I feel we should have some sort of congratulatory jingle for this I'll see what I can

yeah I don't know that was actually that was not half bad I can't top that extraordinary by the way I should tell you Al I've got to make a confession I am drinking out of your cup. It's my cup.

Yeah, well, Al is down the line. He's in Manchester. Are you in Manchester? Are you officially in Manchester? I'm in my Manchester cellar, yeah. And basically, Faye, the assistant producer, dropped my TARDIS. Oh, no. The TARDIS.

Imagine the sound effect. That's such a shame, because I imagine that merch is very well made, too. So the copper's got a big cockerel on it that I'm drinking from today, but I drink and think of you, Al. That's fine. Sharing's caring. Yeah, exactly. So the dog.

Yes, I've got one. What brand did you get? What did you go for? I got the trendy one where I live to get is a Cavapoo. Yes. Which is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel cross with a poodle. Oh, okay. In my days, the big money went on your pedigree dogs.

And now the mongrels are top in the charts. No, we don't say mongrel anymore. Oh, we don't say mongrel anymore. No. Do you use... Here's a word. The female dog. Do they use...

No, we don't use that word. That word's gone as well. No, no, no, no. Oh, God. I cannot use that on the radio. Hold on, let me just delete this out. John track I was about to play. That's gone, has it?

Even if you're talking about a female dog. No, no, no, no. Okay, well, we'll call it a female dog. I mean, I use it IRL in real life, but not broadcast. Oh, yeah, we use it in the studio. To me, that's fine but just not I know neither of you would

but can I say I'm so excited about this dog Frank I have a question for you when does the love start oh my god I haven't felt any love yet. I'm not saying it won't happen, but I'm a slow...

I've never been a lover at first sight guy with, you know, human beings. But the moment, it's just a living creature that happens to be in our head. It's more lodger than lover at the moment. Oh, I see. But I'm not saying it won't happen, but I... Do you know... in our head. What are you saying? It's more lodger than lover at the moment. Oh, I see. But I'm not saying it won't happen, but I, yes.

Do you know... I'm not saying cold indifference. I'm saying sort of warm indifference. I get it. I understand. I think,

how can I put this... Don't think ill of me. I'm just... No, I'm just trying to find a way to put this so as not to cause offence. Oh, I won't bother.

I think your attitude to dogs stems from a time in your childhood when it was very much, well, you've said to me yourself, you would sort of just let them go out and do their thing. You said to me, what do you have a lead for? Yes, well, we never had a lead. We never bought a tin of dog food in our lives. And when we went to bed, we put the dog out. We didn't, you know, that was it.

But that was our dog. I'm not suggesting, we're not going to, I'm being very kind to this animal completely. It's not, it's not, you know. This animal? Yeah, well, it's got a name, but even that worries me. Why? Well, I was with's got a name, but even that worries me. Why? Well, I was with a friend just a couple of weeks ago

and we were walking along the Thames and a man stopped us and started talking about her dog. You know how people stop you and talk about your dog? Something else I'm a bit wary about. And he said, oh, what's its name? And I thought, why on earth would you want to know that? What possible reason do you have for gaining that information? It tells you a lot about someone, what they name their dog.

Does it? Yeah, very much so. I get a strong reaction when I say Raymond. Oh, OK. And I can tell a lot about the person by their response. Those who smile warmly, you can stay. Some say Raymond for a dog. I say good day.

Do they know that it's named after the so-o adult literature well if they don't i'm sure they can work it out okay i mean i think then they might have a bit more respect on absolute radio so i the dog it turns out was born on my mother's birthday, so I wanted to name it after my mum, which was Doris. Oh, that'd be nice. Yeah, that's a good name. But we live in an age now where children are actually consulted on things. Yeah, it's mind-blowing, isn't it?

I first saw this back in the 80s when a bloke I was working with, I was at his house, and he said to his daughter, we're going to go shopping. Do you think we should go shopping or not? And she said, oh, I don't want to go. And he said, oh, OK. And I thought, what? Never.

Democracy run riot. What's strange is the idea is, well, I think today kids get a choice over their social life. So a parent will say, oh, do you want to go to so-and-so's house? And they'll say, oh, no, I don't want that. Can you imagine? It's going on. Yeah.

No, and they are terrible decision-makers. Yeah. I don't know if you've ever been at a Roman Catholic church fight, Donkey Derby, but there's some silly money. You know, they let the kid pick the donkey. They're picking one that can barely stand. Anyway, I... I would like to go to one.

They let them choose interior design. What wallpaper would you like? I know. Why are you asking them? No, it's... You're not helping. What's their taste like? It's a cross between a dictator and Liberace.

It's never going to end well. But do you remember, I was at a gig once, I mentioned donkeys on stage for some reason, and a man who had all the facts told me that donkeys kill more people in a year than sharks. On average. That's a good... It's a great statistic, isn't it?

It's a good fact. It is, sir. Yeah, but it's a good... It's a great statistic, isn't it? It's a good fact. It is. It's a much less glamorous way to go. Yeah, they're big kickers, apparently, donkeys. They don't wear big kickers. We were saying once, Frank, it's similar to we were talking about if you said, oh, I'm afraid he was

destroyed by a bear. Yeah. It is quite funny. It's awful, but it is... Yes, it's a different one. I mean, kicked to death by a donkey is not a bad thing to drop into a pub conversation. No.

Shark, there was a time when a shark attacked you, you know, post-jaws, was absolutely the demise of choice. It was the rigour. Oh, yeah. Demise of choice. That could be our new regular feature in which people talk about how they'd like to...

Anyway, so he chose the name, my son. So, interestingly, I've just been reading about how ship's captains in the 18th century were going to the Far East and made more money from smuggling opium than they did from their wages. So the dog's called Poppy. It's a tribute to them. A tribute to an age when drug dealers were prepared to go the extra mile. The nautical mile, if it came to it.

So, yes, the dogs called Poppy, and we had to go and pick it up. And the lady who we got it from was very nice, and she said, don't just leave it in silence at night. Put the radio on. She likes Smooth FM. Oh. Well, as you know, Smooth FM is a rival.

Oh, is it? It's not a Bauer station. So I think it's important to teach dogs loyalty from the off. So it's Scala or Silence. There's your choice, Poppy. Scala's been tremendously successful, actually, in keeping it placid and I listen to a bit

of it while I'm getting her and it's good. I'm falling for Scarlett. Well done again, Bauer. Oh man, I love it. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'll tell you what I watched this week. Citizen Kane.

I'll tell you what we would have said in the 90s. What's that? Whenever someone said, I'll tell you what I watched, someone followed with what I really, really watched. Oh, I wish you had done that. I'd have liked it. Oh, no. Go on.

Citizen Kane, yes. Have you seen it? Yes. Well, late review. I saw. Citizen Kane, yes. Have you seen it? Yes. Well, late review. I saw it. I saw it. Sorry, Al? No, I haven't seen it.

Have you not? I saw it. Is it on iPlayer? I was sat down, I think, about three years old. My parents made me watch it. You know, it's traditionally seen as the greatest film of all time. It's the way it gets described. Here we go.

Oh, here we go. Which is, it's hard on anything. You know what? I watched it and thought, I get why it's got that accolade. I thought it was absolutely top notch. What I wasn't expecting, I thought it'd be that really big, dramatic,

you know, people who like film instead of films go on about the directing people used to say to me I'd say I really like that film and they'd say oh that's a sound cell film and I'd go no I don't think so they're not in it

no no it's the director I'm not interested in the back room staff it's the people who are up there on the thing anyway it's really brilliant brilliant the dialogue is sparkling

is it? yeah I always gagged on that silver spoon someone who was bought up in like a rickshaw can I say I didn't? No, no, you handled it very well. You played it like a kazoo. And Orson Welles, I mean, at his most handsome.

Absolutely Orson. Oh. Yeah. Shall we change Orson to the Americanism of Orson? And I like the idea, it feels more cultural, that instead of awesome, we'll just say awesome and see if we can slip it through into the culture. What do we...

Instead of awesome, I think we should say awesome. Let's replace it. Fair enough. So, yeah, so then I watched Mank, which is not... Sorry, Al. Yeah, it's nothing to do with Manchester. I don't know what Mank, which is not... Sorry, Al. Yeah, it's nothing to do with Manchester. I don't know what Mank is. Yeah.

Well, I think you do. It's a load of books going, no, I'm not wearing a book. Anyway, so it was... It wasn't the biopic of Bez. It's about Herman Mankovitz, who it turns out basically wrote Citizen Kane. I thought... And it looks like Citizen Kane I thought and it looks

like Citizen Kane but that's not as good I've got to be straight 10 Oscar nominations no

it's alright you know it's a bit like the dog it's alright oh my god when does the love start

still waiting yeah it might happen mid showshow with the dog. I might think, oh, I'll get bored. But we'll see. Okay. We'll see. I went out with my current partner,

and she one day said to me, I love you. And I wasn't quite ready. And it's always awkward. I say, I love you, and then they leave again. Morning, Kath, if you're listening. Yeah, they leave like a dotted line for your I love you. I hope you're then they leave again. Morning Kath if you're listening. Yeah they leave like a dotted line for your I love you. I hope you're having a nice morning. No but I mean

look I love her now that's what counts after 20 years and it don't seem a day too much everybody at home come on there's not another I said everyone at home there's not another. I can't hear you oh forget it.

Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. See, I had a really nice surprise today. You'll know, anyone who listens regularly to this show will know that I have become very enamoured of the Lovely Eggs band. And I played them quite a bit and i got a letter from holly and david of the lovely eggs um it's not just the letter it's like a little work of art in itself

so um i was excited about that i thank you very much uh yeah you know it's nice it's like getting a fan letter from but the wrong way around, from someone you're a fan of, if you know what I mean. You don't get that. You know, you don't get like Bobby Moore write to you when you're a kid and say, yeah, thanks for cheering me on the...

So, yeah, so that was suitable for framing, I would say. Okay. I have something. Before I do, Age of Orson Welles. Suitable for framing, as Joseph Stalin used to say. I hope he used that.

They need to get rid of this dissident. Hey, suitable for framing. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Kill him. Oh, sorry, that's my phone. My phone, where is it? Can you...

Yes, pass it to me. Who is it? Trotsky! Forget it. I told you to put it on silent. The home life. Yeah, he was good at putting things on silent. To have some style. He was the great silencer in, yeah. He was good at putting things on silent. To have some style.

He was the great silencer in many ways. He was. Age of Orson Welles when he made Citizen Kane? He was 24. Close. 25. Oh, 25, okay. Makes you sick.

Does, yeah. Can we discuss, I'm going to go full on newly acquainted newly crowned, sorry, friend of the show. Okay. I'm giving him the crown. Joseph Stalin. No. No. Do you recall last

week we were talking about Mastermind? Oh yes. We were. Which you two refer to as mastermind but but glorious but we did yeah yes let's cry was on that day and we were specifically discussing the mastermind champ jonathan gibson yes yes jon Jonathan Gibson, we talked about him a lot. We made a reference to, I think I personally, compared him to Walter the Softie. You did?

I don't know how that would have gone down. Well, I said it in, I said it as a positive, I think I said at the time. I think I went hair flick, which is probably less of a positive. Yes. So I'm okay, you less so, because Jonathan Gibson has got in touch. Oh, OK. Via social media, I was so excited.

I don't think I've ever been so excited. He didn't slide into the DMs. He's not that type. Let me guess the message. Elga, take off your uniform. No. OK. That's guess the message. Elga, take off your uniform. No. Okay. That's not the Gibson way.

No, Gibbo. Jonathan Gibson is a gentleman. He doesn't slide into DMs. He was very open and he said, I'm just listening to Frank Skinner's podcast. I'm delighted with this. Oh, well, that's good. I feel very seen

with the Walter the Softie comparison. Very seen? Yes, that's a millennial... People say seen. That's a millennial phrase. What does it mean? I feel acknowledged. Oh, that's good.

I like seen. Yeah. Do you like seen? Seen is a word I like, though. I feel very seen. I might use that. Okay. Yeah.

Okay. It's one for Barrowman. Okay. Moving on. No, well, that's nice though. Okay, leave that there. Okay, I'm going to continue. I feel very seen.

Leave that there. Another one for Barrowman. Stop it. I feel very seen with the Walter the Softy comparisons. I feel very seen with the Walter the Softie comparisons, having obviously, parenthesis, close parenthesis, identified with Walter as a child far more than with that anti-social lout Dennis. Come on.

Great work by Jonathan. Jonathan Gibson. That is such an alternative society world view. You see, this is where the rebellion is coming from now. It's the Jonathan Gibsons, not the crazy people with their punk rockers in Camden doing photo opportunities for a pound. The learned are celebrated so rarely on TV.

Yes, exactly. It's happening more so, I think. No, it's still people that say, you've mugged me right off. Yeah, you get a bit of that. But I don't mind a bit of that as well. Something for everybody. That's my motto.

True. Exactly. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram

at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Damn. Oh, terms and conditions, jobs here. That was good. Yes. And I didn't take the big breath. I'll give you the job based on that.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, Gibbo, who we were talking about before, the mastermind, Champagne Oh yeah I don't think he's ever played team sport and been called Gibbo I think there's only me and you that would call him Gibbo Maybe

I'm just guessing Anyway, Gibbo identifies with uh walter from the dennis the menace strip um i i wonder if he knows that walter has had a complete character change i mentioned this recently but it's really quite he's that walters is the son of a corrupt, very rich mayor, the mayor of Bino Town, and consequently is a very spile, arrogant... Yes, but they've done this in order to justify

the reprehensible actions of the... Yeah, because happily, bullying is no longer acceptable, as I think they say in France. And also, he only has one friend, and not really a friend, more of a victim, Walter. And he looks exactly and talks exactly like Boris Johnson. The friend. Yeah, it's a little bit of politics here,

as Ben Elton used to say. So check out the new Walter Gibber. You might change your tune. I believe that Beano launched a sort of jovial cease and desist action against Jacob Rees-Mogg for copyright. Oh, did they?

Yes, for stealing their intellectual property theft, essentially, with his vibe. Well, maybe that's why they've got the Boris Johnson sidekick thing that he's... Yes. Walter's based on Rhys Mark. Jacob responded, I received the legal letter and it's all jolly good fun.

Lovely work. The posh can be very good at times. Can we discuss Adrian Edmondson? Oh yes. And his bank holiday fiasco.

You're a tabloid writer now. I would like to think it was a bit of a That's what he drives. I'll afford fias he drives, Al, a Ford Fiasco. They also have the Ford Fiasco. It's a clown car with the doors fire up and all that. The glitter comes out of the horn. I would say he had a slight Frank Spencer moment.

Perhaps we could go over to our correspondent in Manchester to tell us what happened exactly, Al. How would you describe what happened to him? I'm imagining Al now with a microphone and a Mac on standing in the rain. But Frank Spencer, correspondent in Manchester. He was cleaning windows and he got in a bit of trouble. Yeah, Ed Edmondson was cleaning windows and got stuck outside on a ledge. We should say at his own home.

I don't want anyone to think that Edmondson's career has descended to the point where he's got a round. No, he's cleaning his own. He's still working in the comedy world. He was described in the Daily Mail article as the bottom actor, which makes him sound like one of those body double people that come in. You know, and you hear actors saying things like, yes, I'm afraid I can't film today.

My private parts were involved in a road accident. And it's all these people that come in and they're someone's hands and someone's legs and all that. But bottom, yes. So, yes, so he's cleaning his windows. And he got stuck on a ledge. And then people saw him and said, is that Ed Edmondson of Bottom fame?

Yeah, Bottom actor. Yeah, a crowd gathered. And then the press have covered it. And, oh, not since George Fallenby has cleaning windows led to so much comedy mileage. And not since 1977 in some sort of Benny Hill sketch has anyone found themselves trapped on a window ledge. No, that's true. I was rather hoping that the fire brigade would arrive with a blanket for him to jump into. Oh, that would have been great.

I just had a text from Robin Asquith saying, how dare you suggest there's been no comedy from cleaning windows since George Floyd. Well, we've just had a text. Ade Edmondson did receive a tweet from Robin Asquith. Did he? Which I will share with the group. Oh, OK. Well, let's leave that as that. Robin Asquith seems to be, I heard him mentioned on Jason Manford's show.

Interesting choice of pronunciation of Jason's name. That's how Matt Berry says, I know Jason Manford. So I'm going with Matt. Norwegian. If you go with Matt Berry, you're usually OK. Frank Skinner on a window ledge. Ade Edmondson, of course, who did Aid in Britain, where he travelled around Britain.

Shows only made because a pawn works in the title. Shame the headline writers didn't go with delayed in Britain. They must have been able to do that. Oh, yeah, or aid of fool of himself. Yeah. Maybe not. I'll tell you something that worried me about the picture of A Well a few things worried me

Because there's a picture of him on the ledge As it were Yes One is that he's doing his I presume that's his front door that he's above If he's doing his own windows It looked like a bar I believe it's a shop

Well it's got an enormous elaborate E on it. And I wondered if that was for Edmondson and he had that over his... You know, like Supernova Heights is where Liam Gallagher used to live. I'd love to track this as any more. If anyone knows any more I live here indicators that celebrity people have had.

Because usually people want to be all, you know, low profile. Discreet, yes, they don't tend to go Graceland with the whole... Quasimodo, he always kept a low profile. I mean, Elvis, of course, did, you know, he didn't hide his address under a bus profile. I mean, Elvis, of course, did you know, he didn't hide his address under a bushel. And he had the music gates, which was him in wrought iron.

Yes, which got quite difficult when he said, I just want to be left alone, please, in privacy. Take down the gates, Elvis. I don't know if Elvis ever said that, actually. He wandered around in a gold cape most days. I don't know if Elvis ever said that, actually. They applied to him. He wandered around in a gold cape most days.

So can we discuss, the thing about Aid is that he attracted the attention of a passer-by. A phrase I love in itself because it's so local paper. And they were all claiming him. There was all the local newspapers, Bradford, born, Ade Edmondson. Oh, he's born... You know, he's four days older than me, Ade Edmondson. Well, Al, this was a bit awkward. He shouldn't be cleaning his own windows at his age.

It did say, the 64-year-old funny man. And I thought... Surely that's my Bill Matter. No, you're 64-year-old comedy legend. Oh, yeah, of course. He also, he had stone chinos on. Now, if you were going to... Oh, I ask you, if you were going to clean your windows,

would you wear stone chinos? No, I'd wear a dark... i'm a dog i'm starting to think if this was his was his house at all if this isn't some sort of peeping tom alibi you don't clean the windows in stone chinos surely you don't leave the house in stone chinos well i'm nothing again i remember i saw the man who spent the longest time in space ever, a Russian man, give a talk, and he had the most billowing big chinos I've ever seen. He looked like he was emerging from a cloud.

It was just chino. Yeah? Yeah. Listen, I'm very fond of Chinos. If the newly single Bill Gates is listening,

I'm just saying. Nothing against a Chino. What about the newly single Melinda? I think she'll probably,

I think she'll come out of it alright. She'll get snapped up. Hopefully. Yeah. So,

yeah, I'm still investigating the picture and the and the information that me and aid apart from the fact that he's four days i don't i don't know aid i've met him but we have we have one also a significant spiritual link not spiritual in the normal word but in the word of we We share a personal anguish, which I'll tell you after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

I would like to share with you... Robin Asquith... Any younger listeners, by the way, Robin Asquith was a very popular British film star in a series of saucy romps called the Confessions films. And there'd be things like Confessions of a Window Cleaner. Driving Instructor was one of my favourites.

Yeah, Confessions of a Dry, Confessions of an Arsonist. Frank, I prefer in a sort of film buff way to avoid even the Confessions and just say Driving Instructor. Oh, right. Yeah. He also pops up in that film buff way to avoid even the confessions and just say driving instructor hmm yeah yeah so he comes up in that film Stuart Lee did recently didn't he he did that's right yeah he's definitely coming back it's the sort of films to give the younger readers an idea where the ladies say things like

he says art core there's some knockout birds around here and the ladies say things like no thank you i have to watch my figure and then robin replies in a in a manner which wouldn't be condoned today um by absolute radio or uh thanks skinner show uh he got in touch with aid edmondson personally yes on twitter after aid tweeted i just trapped myself on a window ledge whilst cleaning the windows. Had to ask a passerby to fetch help. Fire Brigade came. Robin replied, amateur.

It's good. Nice work. Yeah, I like it. It's good. Yes, and then he followed up when Aide then tweeted and said finally decided to call in a window cleaner, a professional window cleaner. Robin said, I believe he said, stick the kettle on.

Oh, I bet he couldn't clean a window, Asko. That's my bet. When I was talking about me and Aide have something, some regular readers will know that I had an entire sitcom series made, edited, dubbed, finished, that was never broadcast. You all right there, Al? I refer, of course, to Shane, too. Now, he was...

Aid was in a sitcom called Hardwick House. Do you remember this? I used to really like that. Well, you say you didn't get long to get nostalgic. I think only two episodes were broadcast, and then they pulled it. The other five were never shown. So I feel we are sort of fail brothers,

if you know what I mean. Wow. It's okay. I thought I would like to do... There was a thing called... I think it was called something like the Art Bucket or something like that. And an artist invited other artists to

come it's a massive great see-through container i mean it's like four stories high or something and he invited other artists to come and throw in art that they'd done that they decided in retrospect was rubbish oh yeah and i thought i'd like to do a chat show where you got people on and they came and talked about things they did in their career that was really terrible with extracts and clips. I think it'd be really... Anyway, it's just that's my thought.

I'm expecting the phone calls will be flooding in there for that one, so stick around. You can... I'm expecting the phone calls will be flooding in there. For that one, so stick around. We'll have names. Names for it, please. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Loving it.

How do you feel about me returning to the subject of Shane? It's fine, you know. Like I say, I can handle a fail. Well, as you know, many of our readers are huge fans of Shane, including Brendan from Herne Bay. OK. Brendan gets in touch with us regularly, actually, and recently got in touch to say, I love Shane and I'm watching it on YouTube.

Best joke ever in it from your son. Oh, my fictional son. Your fictional son. Yeah. I won't remember this, so this will be fun. This is the joy of getting old. So I personally do remember this scene as a Shane aficionado. OK.

Imagine if I went on Mastermind. Oh, God. I followed Gibbo. That would be the most obscure. Could you imagine? Shane series one through one. What about if I went on Shane series two? That'd challenge the question composers.

I think I'd do all right on it. It would just be me saying, I'll be the judge of that over and over. So it's your son talking to a girl. And I think there's a discussion about housework going on, I believe. And one of the characters says, I do my share.

And the other character says, go on then, do your share. Do you know what happens next? No. Oh, hold on. That one goes, do you believe in life if you love? Is it like that? Congratulations. Thanks for that.

I think there you have everything you need to know about that wildest second series that's ever broadcast. I think... Oh, I've never felt more seen. Thank you, Brendan Hernday. Yes, thank you, Brendan. Yes. For that.

While we're doing previously on the Frank Skinner show I have an email I'd like to bring to your attention Frank invented Sixth the Musical apparently are you aware of Sixth the Musical that's the one about the wives of

Henry VIII is it that's right we have a missive from Matthew as I call it, My Guy. Oh, yes. Matthew from Manchester. Despite being an obsessive reader of the show for over a decade, this is my first missive to you.

I've been listening to some of your old podcasts recently and was shocked to discover that Frank came up with the idea for Sixth The Musical before it was created. At the end of the show on 14th January 2017... I'm just writing that down for my legal paper. ..you were discussing Henry VIII and his wives. Frank said, If I did a musical about Henry VIII,

I would have Catherine Parr sing I Will Survive and I'm sure the wives could have sang Once I Was Afraid I Was Petrified. Alan replied, You've got the start of a project there shall we get our people on that there's bound to be a west end theater space not only that but when discussing henry's disappointment about anne of cleves looks emily said and henry said hashtag no way when he saw her is it a coincidence that there's a song in the musical called No Way? Wow.

Soon after this, the sixth musical was written by two university students and launched at the Edinburgh Festival that summer. They say they got the inspiration for it during a poetry class. Did they, Buffalo? To cover their tracks, they... Oh, this... I'm not sure if I can do this don't go to any I think we'll discuss this off air whether we can include the next bit

I have got an idea I'm not certain about this I think my manager has got some sort of he's got money in Six the musical oh my god the plot is so thick I can barely walk through it oh wow it's the right old pea super it is no mistake The plot is so thick I can barely walk through it.

Oh, wow. It's the right old pea soup. It is, no mistake. Conflicts of interest, much? Wow. So not only, well. This is extraordinary news. Yes, this is. It's been quite a big hit as well, apparently.

Yeah. Mmm. I'd better get that people talking about their worst failures thing copyrighted immediately. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio.

We've had some contenders in for the name for your show, Frank. The Epic Fails show. Yeah, that one. Well, you've just done it. No, it needs to be a bit more punny than that. Okay. You think so? Okay, well, I'm worried that you're going to be quite strict about these then.

No, no, go on, fire away. Well, I like the simplicity of this. 776 has just gone for skeletons. Oh, I see, as in the cupboard. As in skeletons in your closet. Yeah. Okay. Would you say in the closet?

I'd say in the cupboard. I would have as well. Oh, okay. Yeah, fair enough. But he's gone closet. He's gone a bit of everything in there. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I like Tim in Newport's suggestion. Well, so do I. It'll be awful on the night. Yeah. Lovely. I like Tim in Newport's suggestion for Frank's new chat show. It'll be awful on the night. Yeah. Lovely. There's something quite direct about that.

What about if Ade Edmondson did a show, a stage show, in which he had, it was like, you know, those career reminiscences type show and it's just him on a chair being interviewed or something. What would that be called? I'm thinking Live Aid. I mean, come on. You can have that aid if you're listening.

He's got to do Live Aid, A-D-E, hasn't he? Surely. Surely, you're not sure. And then surely he's got to call his autobiography Aid Memoir. Oh, yes. Oh, that's good. Yes, he has.

He won't. Oh, man, I hope he's... Richard Pickens here. OK, there was the peeping Tom Alibi moment, but generally it's been good news all the way for Aid on this morning's show. It's all gone a bit Edinburgh show, six months after it was mentioned on our...

Do you know, this week, I've been... My pronunciation of COVID-19 has been corrected twice by completely different people. By who? You are one of the few people I know that sticks with the Ovid rather than the Ovid. Well, I think I've got it, you see, from the Roman poet. I was going to say, like the Roman.

Yeah, like the Roman, I see. All right, all right, come on. Yeah, that is, I think, that's how it should be pronounced. Do you? But no one else seems to think so. No. Who corrected, I wouldn't correct you on that. Well, Rick Blaski, the music executive, he corrected me.

I met him in the street. And I can't remember who the other person was. Okay. Yeah. If you really want names. I do. I do like names. Yes, well, there you go.

So I felt a bit hard. I'm going to stick. I think I'm going to stick with COVID. So I'm wrong. Most people say, would you say COVID? Yeah. Al? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. I'd also say Star Wars. What would you say, Al? I'd say Star Wars. Frank? I'd say Star Wars. Yeah.

You led me into that. Remember, the stars do all sorts of things. Sometimes wars, sometimes bursts, sometimes sparkling, you know. And this is in star and then in the brackets, wars, in this particular instance. It was very convincing, darling. Thank you. What is this? bit of a strain slightly up my neck

from craning it during my explanation? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We have some outside world contributions. I'm just trying not to do stuff at the start of the hour. Oh, I do apologise, Frank. That's fine, that's fine. I'm so sorry to everyone. I think he'd forgotten, hadn't he? I don't think I of the hour. Oh, I do apologise, Frank. That's fine. I'm so sorry to everyone. I think he'd forgotten, hadn't he?

I don't think I got the note. I think the producer was texting. Listen, it was all my fault. Mayor Culper. Anyway, this, what's it called? Frank Skinner Show. I'm Frank Skinner with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Text the show on 81215.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I'd like to thank Al for his speedy intervention there. Yeah, well done, Al. I'd like to thank Frank for his tolerance and I'd like to apologise to everyone. And I'd like to apologise for this morning.

I don't mean anything I've done. I mean the programme this morning. Oh, yeah. I feel everyone in the media should take it in turns to occasionally apologise for it. By the way, Mock the Week, is that a pun on mocking the week, as in W-E-A-K? That's what the title is.

Oh, that's funny, because that's what it actually does. It does that, yeah. I don't know if it... Does it do that now, yeah. I don't know if it... Does it do that? Does it? I don't know. I don't know. I just feel there's more to Mock the Week, the title, than that,

which I'm not getting. You know when you smell a pond, but you can't identify it? Is there any other reference to it? Yes, if one of our readers knows... Yeah, I would love to know. Al, you've been on Mock the Week, haven't you? I've been on it, but you don't get a little document on the history of the title, unfortunately.

No. You get enough homework as it is. Yeah. Do you? Oh, man, for goodness sake. Did you find that, Al? Oh, yeah. It's quite a reading commitment.

I'd genuinely rather be one of the... I'd rather be one of the Booker judges, I think. It's about the same workload. How many books do they read, the Booker judges? That's a killer. Great texting. We needed something for the final hour. Oh, do you know what I was thinking about?

One of my favourite lyricists in popular music is Elvis Costello Lovely choice He's a great words man Um I said I'm so happy she's, I'm so happy

I could die, she said drop dead and left with another guy, that's my kind of lyric Um She's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake I could die she said drop dead and left with another guy that's my kind of lyric um she's filing her nails while they're dragging the lake watching the detectives but even a homer nods as they say and in radio radio there's a bit where he's talking about the radio driving him crazy and he says oh seriously thinking about hiding the receiver when the switch broke because it's old and i thought that's not that's not good enough you see no so um what about worst lyrics texting those

moments when it's all going well and somebody just you can tell they've thought oh it's lunch time i'll just finish this this'll do lyrics this'll do lyrics let's call it that's a very good title well although i have to say some some really good songs have this'll do lyrics don't they they do yeah you know people love oasis but they have the lyrics slowly walking down the hall faster than a cannonball and that's that feels a bit this'll do doesn't that doesn't quite make sense, does it? I don't think they care. It rhymes and it's in the song.

Yeah. Should have been slower than a cannonball. Yeah. I don't know how fast cannonballs went. Anyway, that's something we'll probably never know. Anyone who tells us that will be guessing, won't they? Yes, I think so. It's like I always used to think

the one thing I had in common with William Shakespeare is we've both got a head shaped like a light bulb. Because I remember in one of my first reviews said I had a head shaped like a light bulb. And I'm confident that no one ever said that to Shakespeare. Yes, good point. If he'd get away with it with his chronology. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Frank, we have a 9868, sorry, has got in touch with a suggestion for the title of your show. My Epic Fails Show. Surely got to be frankly shocking. Uh-huh. How do you feel about that? I think it's alright. Okay. Oh dear, dear, dear.

What about we had someone else suggest texted us or tweeted us and suggested Room 102. Okay. Oh yeah. I'd rather not think back to that. I didn't say I was going to talk about my fails.

I said I was going to talk about other people's. How long did that show run? Well, it did seven series. Seven years? That's not fails. Yeah, I don't want it in my time capsule. OK. Fair enough. Oh, dear.

Okay. Could I share something with you boys? See, that'd be a boring show. Sure. Well, could I share something with you boys? I think you'll find it wouldn't. No, I mean, people talking about what they'd want in their time capsule. Because then it'd be all their really good stuff. And, you know, that'd be terrible.

Yeah. I don't want that. Emily. I would like, I'd much rather have a, please delete this when I die. Oh, okay. People say burn all my stuff. Yeah, that I'd like to see.

I'm going to do one of those Emily's like Esther Ransom used to do on That's Life. Emily. I want to ask you boys something. I had an extraordinary incident at the polling station this week when I went to vote. What, you forgot your pencil? No. Okay. I was given a pencil, can I say? I was told you can keep that. For keeps? I didn't know you got, isn't that some sort of bribe? Some sort of political bribe? I think we were into a sort of... Do you know what?

I have to give my pencil back. No, I've got to keep mine. Manchester. Oh, Frank. They say there isn't a North-South divide. I thought we were levelling up. Surely. Yeah, they're dishing out pencils.

I should be getting free pencils. This is the North London elite for you. So I went to cast my various votes. Yeah, God, there was a lot of votes. Oh, I had so much admin. Police commissioners, mayors. Oh, I had so much to do. Sheriff, deputy sheriff.

Sheriff? I voted Gary Cooper. I cast my... Texas... I voted for three Texas Rangers. I mean, it was a lot of... You know when you... You know when you get to an Indian restaurant

and you open the menu and it's like a five-pager and I just think, oh, just have the jalfrezi. Yeah. It was like that. It was too much. It's a lot. And the opal fruit coloured, you know, they had the lovely pastels on the paper

to try and make the task seem less arduous. Yeah. We're not fooled. Of course I had to Google every single person on there to see if I agreed with their basic worldview. So did I. Yeah. Time consuming. Yeah. Oh no, I think I went eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Anyway, so you're at the polling station. You've looked up. There's a pencil. And then it happened. I think we're going to have to leave it. Anyway, so you're at the polling station. You've looked up. There's a pencil. And then it happened. I think we're going to have to leave this. Oh, it's a polling station cliffhanger. Okay, that's good for me. Pencils at the ready. Didn't they used to say that when they did competitions on the telly?

Just go away and get a pencil and paper. Oh, how beautiful. Frank Skinner on the telly. Just go away and get a pencil and paper. Oh, how beautiful. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We were at the polling station. You were in the booth with me. We're in the booth. We're pencilled up. You're pencilled up in the booth,

in the naked attraction booth, waiting for the big reveal. And I spotted in my booth that someone had left their polling card there. And no biggie. Having said that, I'm a civic-minded person. Don't want that to fall into the wrong hands. No.

I thought, I'll go and take it over to the steward. The election steward. Don't they have a marshal? It sounds like the sort of place that'd be a marshal. Let's go marshal, Frank. I like your marshal work. Yeah.

The marshal, this particular marshal had the air of very parish council meeting, elderly gentleman. Okay. Do you know this sort of type, I'm saying?

And did you say, see, see, marshal, I found a mysterious note in the book. So, yeah, so you went out. No, I went more lot of them have that. Say, Marshall, I found a mysterious note in the booth. So, yes, he went out. No, I went more sort of Wild West female. Like, at a time like this, I sure had to bring our business. But I handed it in. He was standing by the ballot box, sort of you shall or shall not pass,

you know, because of social distancing, letting you know when it was your turn. So I handed it to him. I said, oh, excuse me, I've just, someone's left this. I handed it over to him. He said, I see. Okay. Strange response. What's he going to list through all these

His skills I mean thank you also works I just said oh excuse me I found this in the bullet book I see So I said Oh yes I thought I'd Just give this in to you I went over explaining

And he said you just found it in there Oh dear What was he getting at Sellers from McCarthy And he said, you just found it in there. Oh, dear. What was he getting at? Sellers from McCarthy. Yeah. And I didn't like his attitude, Frank. No.

I said yes. I like it. I think he might be a bit of a git and I like that. Oh. He didn't have an enormous... Stick around, if you think... He didn't have an enormous ornate hat on. He could have been one of the candidates. You know what I'm getting to really hate?

I know it's all to do with democracy, but the comic candidates. I really think they should be rounded up. Oh, so do I. I hate the serious ones. No, it's all right. Fine, I can understand that. But, you know.

I know. Oh, God. those guys are thinking, oh, this is brilliant, I've got this really funny hat on. People at home are thinking, wow, what a character that guy is. They're not thinking that. Well, they're no different to the people at live sporting events who tend to wave at the camera behind the presenter pulling silly faces.

I don't even that, though. They haven't made a hat, those people. So, anyway, the marshal... He'd already said, I see. He said, I see. Just found it in there, did you? Then he said, just found it, did you? Yeah.

McCarthy hearing style. Yeah. I said, yes, I did. He said, right. I didn't like the laugh. What was he even implying? That you'd stolen someone's polling card and then shown it to the marshal?

Didn't make any sense. Is he doing half of the dialogue from a scene from The Bill? That's what it feels like. Oh, I half expected him to say a likely story. Or I eat people like you for breakfast. Anyway, at this point, I thought, I don't have time for this.

No. I have a duty to perform and I have my ballot papers here. These papers are in my hand. Yeah. I haven't spoken to Chancellor Hitler this morning. No. Nevertheless, I have the papers in my hand. So I gestured, held up the ballot papers,

as if to say, I want to move on now. Let's move on from this, unfortunate. I said to the marshal, OK? As if to say, can I go? And he said, yes. I wish he'd said, no can do. That would have been the perfect ending to it, wouldn't it? Do you want to know?

Not on my watch. I then said, guys, I then said, yes. and he looked at me and then he said, what? And I said, I'm ready to vote. Do you know what he said? Go on. Drum roll. Oh, wow. What a terrible bloke.

Do you know what I said in response? Go on. You're dead when you get outside. I think, I mean, I was carrying a sweet puppy, not puppy, dog. My dog looks like a puppy. So I don't think he was quite prepared for the Medusa to emerge. Right. It's broadcastable, what you said to him.

I said, I don't want a drumroll. I simply require a yes or a no. He looked quite shocked. Yeah. And I went over and I put those papers in the ballot box, Frank. I've never been more desperate to ensure that they didn't get jammed in the slot. Can you imagine? That would have ruined everything. I bet he's got a

lollipop stick in the high-vis breast pocket. Well, that's a shame. I'm sure out there there are many, many volunteers who did a warm-hearted and great job. Did they get paid? Did they get paid? I think it was about 250 quid a day.

Oh, if I've known that one Oh okay Well done Mazel Tov And you know One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch Girl give it one more chance Before you give up on love This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio So

Oh yes I'll tell you what I should do Absolute Radio. So. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yes, I'll tell you what I should do. Our Keith, it's his birthday today, so I'm just going to say happy birthday to our Keith. It's also my sister-in-law Rachel's birthday today, so I'm going to say happy birthday to her. And yesterday, my manager was John, was 60 was 60 now let me tell you something about

john i bought him um some time back i bought him he's a bit of a wine buff i bought him a decanter and i had it engraved and it was the worst piece of engraving i've ever seen in my life and it was the worst piece of engraving I've ever seen in my life, and it was so bad I never gave him the decanter. It really does look like someone's done it with a pound coin. And it was from one of these fancy wines. I should have gone back and stuff, but I was... It's embarrassing enough. Will you say that?

Let's wait and see what happens with the sixth the musical investigation well yeah I might be able but I'm thinking I might give him the decanter

as a sort of a comedy joke a comedy joke that would be a good idea I haven't thought of that before

I've done all those non-comedy jokes I'm working with Borat so I'm going to put the picture on social media of the engraving, just in case you think I'm exaggerating. It really is.

I think you've discussed this on air before, haven't you? Have I? Or maybe it was off air. Yeah, probably. I don't know. Someone will know. Well, happy birthday to the entire triumvirate. Yes.

Indeed. Now then you'd think engraving would be something that the wine industry would get right. Yeah exactly. You'd think that'd be people who did all that elaborate what we used to call Robin Hood writing. Yeah but no

it's just terrible. Was that what you were going for? This honestly looks like a prisoner has done it on a wall overnight, someone who's just in the cells for one night for a drunken disorderly. Oh, no. Just scratched it. Terrible. Anyway, we had some Harry Redknapp news, didn't we? Well, I've got a bit of showbiz news, yeah. Harry Redknapp is...

Well, I don't know if he's joining the cast of EastEnders. That might be a bit overstating it. I think we're talking as himself, aren't we? Oh, is it as himself? I think it's as himself, yeah. Oh! Anyway, what? What was the Hawaii...

I didn't know they had a football team. What was the Hawaii Five-0 as himself, Frank, that you always liked? No, it was Zulu as Kono. He was never as himself. I used to think, why bother changing the name? But as I said, I'm sure Hawaiian people look at Jack Lord as Steve McGarrett and think, why bother changing the name? Did you think he was a good-looking man, Jack Lord?

Pardon? Did you think Jack Lord was a good-looking man, Jack Lord? Pardon? Did you think Jack Lord was a good-looking man? I'm just interested. No, I thought he was, he looked like a big candle. He's the first man I love. He seemed to be made of wax. Oh no, I wanted to marry him. Did you? He was exactly the kind of man I'd like. Wow.

You've just reminded me, you were mentioning animals in the credits we've started watching Frasier and the dog Eddie is in the credits moose as Eddie there you go why bother so yeah we read Nappy and EastEnders Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

So, yeah, we read Nappy and EastEnders. And what do we think? What do we think's the part? What I liked was that he obviously said, over the moon, you got an OTM in there. Oh, over the moon, yeah. Oh, excellent. He also said... Football manager.

He said, Sandra loves it. And there are certain wives who people don't even say anymore, my wife Sandra, it's just assumed everyone knows. Yeah. Like, I remember Ken Dodd saying it's in a modern comedian who I won't name, and he said, I thought he was good, really, and didn't like it. And it's that thing, no explanation of who that is.

I'm guessing it's happening during the Euros. Sorry, Frank, for interrupting, but of course Ian Botham as well, or Kath, with the autobiography. Can you remember what it was called, boys? Don't Tell Kath? Yeah. Yes. Harry's autobiography is called Harry Redknapp, My Autobiography.

Is it really? Yeah, I thought he didn't. That was a classic This'll Do lyric. It could have just been Harry, couldn't it? That's what I'd have called it, Harry, with like an apostrophe, A-double-R-Y. Yeah. Anyway. I liked the producer, the executive producer,

who I imagine lives in an Islington townhouse of some description, who said, of course, Harry is synonymous with London's East End. Yeah. Of course. He said whilst eating his quinoa. Oh, come on. I mean, in fact, I do think of Harry in the East End because the one time I've ever seen him in the flesh,

he was at a junction as I was driving past him in the East End of London, just on the Essex borders, actually. Oh, he's the real deal, old Hazzard. I'm a fan of the Redknapp clan. I saw him in the flesh when West Brom played Portsmouth in the FA Cup semi-final

and Portsmouth got through with a very clear hand ball which cost us a place in the FA Cup final. Less happy memory. I haven't finished Fender's. Because we could do a where did you see Harry Redknapp in the flesh text in. He walks into

the pub doesn't he in this. I believe on Jamie's show, he said, why didn't you tell me, Dad? Because you just came home. You said, oh, I've got to do EastEnders tomorrow. You didn't tell me. Oh, it's all on there, is it? Yeah.

You see, I was hoping, I'm judging this on the period I used to watch EastEnders, I was hoping it was just him and Anita Dobson having a big, long argument with Ade Edmondson occasionally appearing at the window. Do you know, someone needs to give Aide Edmondson a part. I would love it if it was quite a serious drama that he cropped off in, just suddenly on the ledge.

He's in Star Wars. He's in War and Peace. He's in quite a few things. He's in Star Wars, yeah. Is he? yeah now what'll actually happen is they'll be watching the Euros on a screen

a big screen in the square yeah and a voice from behind will say well he should have passed that to the left and they'll go

what do you know ooh that's what'll happen isn't it that's exactly what it'll be I mean come on anyway now he's a top man

actually Harry I like him I love Hazza I mean, come on. Anyway, he's a top man, actually, Harry. I like him. I haven't quite forgiven him for the FA Cup semi-final. It wasn't his fault, I suppose. In the age of VAR, it would almost certainly have happened exactly the same. It just took a bit longer. Thank you for listening to us this morning.

We had some very good lyric texts coming in. We did. So we thought we'd save them for next week and not squander them. So if you've got any This'll Do lyrics, send them in, email us, and we'll do them next week because, you know, some stuff's just too good to just squeeze in the corners like potty in a window pane, as Ade Edmondson would say. Okay, the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise.

We'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.