The Frank Skinner Show - Adventurous Nana

Episode Date: September 11, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank has been on the road again and he had an interesting interaction in a cathedral. The team also discuss a canteen incident, house names and noisy neighbours.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Morning boys. Good morning. I was a bit worried by something on the... Morning, I like how... Sorry, carry on.

I liked how jolly you got for the email address there. Yeah, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good. I was a bit thrown by something in the news when our newsreader said that Cristiano Ronaldo was making his second debut for Man United. I'm worried about the grammar

of that. Can you make a second debut? Yes. You can? No, I don't think you can. I was saying yes, I agree. You're right to be churlish about that. All I was worried about was the grammar because, as you know, Frank,

I revealed to you this morning that he has been picked for this week's fantasy team and it's all on you, Chris. So, Chris, you better deliver. Yeah. I think you're under pressure, though. I hope his second debut goes well for your um

second debut it's like oh I've lost my virginity again oh dear what are you talking about um anyway that's that um it's exciting I'm excited and obviously on one level I don't care but on another level um yeah do you remember you did I thought that was a great idea of yours to just refer to him as Chris. And I really hope on his second debut this takes off. It's a bit more Manchester as well, isn't it? I like it. I like Chris, how are you?

Yeah, I like it. In other news, Al, we've just received a missive from a lady who's saying that I believe she went to school with you, Frank. And her Twitter bio, sorry, her Twitter bio, Al, reads Adventurous Nana, which is nice. Oh, my contemporary is now Adventurous Nana. Very much my catchment area, I must say, the Adventurous Nana group. But great. I know.

She's a celebrant. What's her name? She's an independent celebrant. And she says she does a little bit of travelling, a little bit of writing, and a lot of Argentine tango. Does she write? Yeah.

Okay. Adventurous Nana. What's her name? Because the trouble is with, this is why I never had much trock with the Friends Reunited, because in those days, women, when they married, they changed their names. I know some still do.

Yeah. Some still do. Yeah. I don't know. She calls herself. Only the traitors to the feminist cause, though, I think. She calls herself. She calls herself... She calls herself on Twitter Adventures of a Wobbly Penguin.

Oh. Wow. As well as Adventurous Nana. Yeah. But I don't know what her name is. OK. She's anonymous. Obviously, there were many girls at school who I was crazy about, you know.

Sadly, a lot of them are no longer with us. But their memory lives on in so many ways so um it's been um i've been on the road again uh this week i was back at the i was back at the um the mercure in bridgewater how was Well, I had a nicer room this time. New readers, I was there last week in Bridgewater. I'm filming at the moment. But yes, I was slightly upgraded to a nicer room. But there was something about the room which unsettled me, which I shall tell you after this.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I was staying at the Mercure in Bridgewater, room 126, which is one of the nicer rooms. If you get a nicer room in a hotel, it has a name as well as a number. So it was called Cornhill. Oh, I like that. It seemed to fit my comedy, that I might live on Corn Hill. Is that right, Frank?

So I was just going to say, the Hotel of Wine, which we often speak of. Oh, yeah, Hotel de Vin. They often go for that, don't they? The higher up you get, the more you get the Santa Millian. But they're all named after wines, and the customers aren't told the numbers. I think only the cleaners know the numbers.

So you walk around saying, it's somewhat like Bajuda. Is it a B? It's got a B in it. I don't know if it's on this floor. It's got a B in it. It's like that. Anyway, so it says Cornhill outside my room and then it says to designate the nicer room.

Can you believe this? This is on the wall next to my door. Privilege. I thought, why don't you make everyone in the hotel hate me? I'm going to get like angry villagers gathered outside my door. I do hope you scroll straight white male above it. Just to really, really get it. But please don't bring that up.

You know, I mean, Cornhill says it, really. That'd be a good... I like it when people give their house a name as well. I used to many many many years ago i went out with a woman uh from essex and there was a house um she lives in the posh bit and there was a there was a house called arajaba and i thought arajaba might be some sort of Mediterranean island. And it was a pun on Arridge Harbour, because Harwich Harbour was quite near, and that's what the locals called it.

Quite clever, I thought. I liked my late godmother, Lindsay de Paul, called her house... Pause. Pause for reaction. And carry on. She called her house Moot Grange, which was an anagram of no mortgage.

Very, very good. Well done, Lindsay DePaul. Good work. Just a wallflower, that was her, wasn't it? Won't somebody dance with me? With no mortgage. Oh, what a queen of the beauties. 467 has let us know that, good morning, Frank and team,

Cornhill is a section of Bridgewater. Oh, thank you. That's from Liam Taunton. Thanks. Felt important. I once went to a theatre, I think it might have been the Wimbledon Theatre, I'm not sure,

and the man said, oh, great news, we've put you in the Anoushka Hempel room. And as far as I could tell, there was a bit of pink satin around the sink to cover the pipes. That was it. That was everything.

That was what distinguished it from any other room. If anyone's got a favourite room dedication or house name, I'd love to hear it on 8, 12, 15. You see, that was a proper radio presenting, of which there is so little on this show. Thanks, Skinner, on Absolute Radio. Oh, yes, I'm still at the Mercure in Bridgewater.

My look this week in Bridgewater, because it's been hot, has been boots and shorts. Oh, yeah. Oh, extraordinary. Like a landscaper. I'd say more like... More Boy Scout, extraordinary. Like a landscaper. I'd say more like... More Boy Scout-al. I would describe my look, me being a man in my 60s,

I'd describe my look as tank girl. That's what I've gone for. Yeah, not many men my age go for that, but I think if you can carry it off. But then I had to drive somewhere, and I'm loathe to drive in my big, chunky tank girl boots, so I put on my brown slip-ons. Now I move into an area which I find unsettling.

There is a certain kind of man, and there'll be some listening, and I love you in many ways, and I don't judge, for as ye judge, so shall ye be judged. judge for as you judge so shall you be judged but they wear a short often a tailored short but a short with just a slip-on shoe no socks yeah a loafer yeah a loafer i'm gonna call it i think one could go as far as to say a moccasin yes but anyway that is a look I don't care for, and we're all different. Would you wear that, Al? No. No. Okay.

So I was thinking to myself, I have to walk. I was distressed that I was walking from the driving seat to the boot in that outfit. Even that journey, if someone sees me in shorts and brown slip-ons, I shall never get over it. But I got to the boot, ironically, where my boots were, and it was all fine. And then that evening I went to the restaurant at the Mercure in Bridgewater,

the Marco Pierre White. Oh, fancy. Lots of black and white pictures of Marco on the wall looking haunted, carrying a machete. Mark Peter White. Yes. In his stripy apron. But a man on a sort of

a darker mission happens to be wearing a stripy apron there's some pictures of him sort of having a bit of rough housing with Gordon Ramsay like two big scary stags going at each other

in the kitchen I still manage to swallow my food despite this You know, the two big, scary stags going at each other in the kitchen. I still managed to swallow my food despite this. And then a man came in who was wearing shorts and slip-ons, but, stick around, the front strap, I don't know what the technical term is, but the strap that goes across the top of the foot was bejeweled. It was actually, I mean, I don't suppose they were real jewels.

I think he'd probably gone diamante. Diamante. So he'd taken it and he'd absolutely run with it. He'd taken a bad look and he had gilded the already quite unsavoury lily. And I thought, you know what, that walk from the driving seat to the boot, it weren't so bad. He made me feel better about the whole thing. But I stared at him all night. And now we're going to open a small antique shop in Brighton. We've had some misses from our dedicated readers with regards to house names. Oh, yeah.

So I might start with Tom Quinn, who has told us that round the corner from me is a bungalow called New Bungalow, a name I feel is not only unimaginative but will also date very quickly. I kind of like it. What about Zealand? I have stuck with it.

Yeah, fair play. I like that. Do you like it? Because what should we call the new bungalow and one of them is that moment of clarity that you sometimes get

in comic thinking when you cut through all the sort of normal routes yes and think let's stay here with that thing

you just said new bungalow well in fact not far from me is a house with it's a lovely one of those quite expensive engraved stone signs which says to be or not to be. Oh, and is it to be? It is to be.

Okay, that's confusing for the postman. He doesn't want to wrestle with that existential question every morning near where i used to live um was um on the in the river and uh sort of going towards chelsea there was a house where there were two cars parked and the number plates on one was 2b and the other one was um not 2b oh i like that and sometimes very rarely they were parked in the wrong order and it really annoyed me. We also have Martin Waring has got in touch, boys, and he

says the flat we currently live in has a name plate on the door saying Filth Bear. Oh! Now that is one of the best house names. Actually, do you get flat names? I've never seen a flat name.

But Phil's Bear, I hope it's not a terrible... It's got a cartoon character vibe, hasn't it? And it sounds... Yes, it sounds a bit like something that they'd watch in The Simpsons or something. Is it Bear Grylls After Dinner Speaking? Persona. Yeah, Bear's Gone Blue. they're watching the simpsons or something is it bear grills after dinner speaking persona yeah bear's gone blue filth bear some of the texts about house names reveal sort of another world of turmoil actually that i didn't

expect uh 149 long time reader first time writer, recreative house names, my father intended to call a barn conversion he was building, Nothers which sounded like it fit in with other local names, he was acrimoniously separated from my mother who owned said barn whilst he owned the house she continued to

live in, hence, not hers and then in brackets to live in, hence, not hers. Oh! And then, in brackets, this arrangement continues 30 years later and is now my job to sort out. Ooh. But, yeah. See, the fact that that house sign has such a story around it.

It's a lot under the surface, isn't it? You know those sort of things that they do when you have to write a novel in less than ten words it's got that there that is a novel a bear filth might be but

is it filth bear? No I was thinking about it's listing in yellow pages is bear comma filth. I'm just worried Frank, filth bear I'm just worried, Frank, filth there. I just, all I hope and pray is that Bungle

hasn't fallen on one time. Yes, exactly. You know, it's happened to us all. The filth bear bunch at the Wonderland lap dancing club. Frank Skimmer.

Absolute radio. I went, I was in Peterborough this week doing a gig. Very nice. Sunday night. And then my management company got a call from a lady who works at Peterborough Cathedral. Cathedral, you'll know that part of my touring extras is going to large religious buildings. So I thought that's great. So I was with my tour manager, Omar. Lovely.

And we arrived in Peterborough early so that we could do our tour. And we had to meet this woman. So we waited outside she showed up she hugged me now I've been hugged by a non-family member for nearly two years well it was done and I it had happened um I just hoped for the best yeah um and then um so I said okay let's do it and we walked towards the cathedral and i said how old is the cathedral and she said um i don't know and i thought that's a bit a bit odd for someone who works there's often be a free tour what's the nature of the two are if

Someone who works there has offered me a free tour. What's the nature of the tour? I wouldn't say that was one of the more probing. Well, I was going to say, I'd consider that fairly entry level. Exactly. So she said also it's shot. And I thought, well, that's great because, you know, we'll get like just the solo tour thing and she said look i'll be straight

with you i don't i don't i've got nothing to do with the cathedral i'm just a massive fan of yours i thought it'd be nice to hang out oh no how i mean if you're gonna do that at least read up on the wikipedia page to know how old it is at first. So, how... Also, how is Frank feeling, Alan, at this point? I think it's one of those moments when you wish you'd carried, as a matter of course, a flag on. Not to... Just to fire into the air as a sort of,

here I am, and... So I was a little thrown by it, and then she said, oh, I know you really like a prank. You're always going on the show about how you like a prank. I thought you'd really go for it. And I said, you know, when they say you are hoisted by your own petard, I was sort of worried that she might have a Pata with her. Now, I don't know if it's right to use Pata as a punchline

on a commercial radio breakfast show, but a Pata is a bomb to be iced in by your own Pata, obviously, to be blown up. So, you know, you do kind of think the worst when somebody... It didn't really feel like a prank. It felt more like Kathy Bates in Misery at this point. It felt like things could have got a little filth there. But, stick around, she then said how much she loved the show,

and you two, she absolutely loved you two. I love that woman. She got gifts for you, which I shall distribute soon. She gave my tour manager, she gave him a box of biscuits. And he said, no, I'm not going to engage with you. Because if you look at it from his point of view, although he was nothing to do with the actual setting up of the thing, he's my man, you know what I mean?

And now my barriers have been broken. He was not happy, Alma. I've never seen him like that before. And he said, I don't want the biscuits. He said, I don't know what you've done to them. So then we'd put the uh that was the cat out the bag oh so i um she gave me a tin of onion uh french onion soup and um with mercury that was written in brackets on the front in biro it wasn't it wasn't I couldn't see any way that it could have been damaged

did Omar Thor at all to her a little yeah but he was he could see why he was upset he felt he'd let me down

which I didn't feel at all I did consider dashing into the cathedral right up to the bell tower and shouting sanctuary sanctuary but

I didn't do that. So I thought the best way is that we sat and we just talked a bit, sat outside. Lots of people around. It was daylight. And I think in the end, I think it was a sort of a prank that went a bit wrong, but it was a slightly unsettling, disturbing, probably shouldn't talk about it on the radio sort of a prank that went a bit wrong, but it was a slightly unsettling, disturbing,

probably shouldn't talk about it on the radio sort of a prank. Oh, wow. There was a point where she said, I said, she went on and on about Emily. Sorry, Alan, but she went on and on about how great Emily was and I said, you'd rather be sitting here with Emily, wouldn't you? She said, I would really. So I gave her your address, Em, if that's all.

Anyway, just to close this off, so I did the gig, just before the gig, me and Omar sat in the dressing room having a cup of tea and he said, you know, I really feel bad. I said, please don't. Nothing happened, it was fine. I signed the book, we had a photo took. You haven't done anything wrong.

He said, well, thanks for that. And he just stared into his cup of tea. He said, I tell you what, I wish I'd had them biscuits. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinener on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

You can text us on 81215. Many have, and we're about to hear from them. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Likewise, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. There are various portals through which you can enter our world. I am going to select the Omar portal.

Oh. Omar, in case you are new to the show, is my tour manager. And Glenn has tweeted us to say, I hope your tour manager's expenses slash fees are referred to as the Omar tariff or tariff. Very. Oh, that's good. They will be from now on.

Omar sent his Tarif in again. Did we get her name? It was Glenn. Oh, Glenn. Well, it could be a girl. Glenn Close. Absolutely. Yes.

We'll call that Glenn's Law from now on. Well, that's nice. Love that. We were also discussing a moment ago that you used to live near two cars, one with the 2B and another one with not 2B license plates. Is that right? That's correct. 725 is texted.

That is correct. I feel like I'm being questioned by the police. That's correct. No comment. On Frank's 2B number plate annoyance, you said that you were annoyed when they weren't in the correct order. Yeah. I lived in Japan for a while where there are two Honda car models,

Honda That's and Honda Life. In five years, I never saw them in the correct That's Life order. I saw Life That's six times. Oh, that is so frustrating. I like the fact they remember that it was six times that they saw the wrong version. Yes, I like that. People who keep a journal.

Yeah, exactly. 512 has got in touch. When I move in with my new boyfriend, after his divorce is finalised, our house will become Disgraceland, they're calling it. There was another one that is a sort of a play in just a short text. There was a Mexican Elvis, I remember, Mexican Elvis impersonator, lived in Mexico and his house was Gracias Land.

So it was really like... We've also had Nasher, who's one of our regular correspondents. Oh, Nasher, the Dennis, the menace associate. Yeah. I'm the first time I've ever heard him referred to as an associate. Colleague next. I wanted to speak to your colleague, Dennis, actually. Nasher, you may recall, boys, he spells his name with the number plate formation.

So he's N-4-5-H-E-R. Oh, OK. Morning, folks. I remember on the Channel 4 Soap Brookside, a couple had a portmanteau of their Christian names as the name of their house. It was called, do you remember, Frank? I don't.

Casa Bevron. Class, cheers. Do you remember? Ron Dixon and his partner Bev. It was Casa Bevron. Okay. Okay? I always thought, remember Shea Given, the Irish goalkeeper?

If only he'd owned a French restaurant, it could thought, remember Shea Given, the Irish goalkeeper? If only he'd owned a French restaurant, it could have been called Shea Given. But let's stick to house names or pretty soon we'll be getting misheard lyrics and all that. And then we are, you know, we're not capital. Anyway, so now I've said it. Sorry, everyone. By the way, can I say, I had a note from, well, you understand these things more than me. As far as I can tell from the sort of mail address, he's called Jed Hobb. But the Hobb could be, there could be more of that, couldn't there?

He shortened it for the purposes of an avatar thing. Oh, okay. Am I right? I don't know, I just don't know. Anyway, he sent me a bunch of old New Yorker magazines. Oh, that's nice. You remember I

saw some in the street, offered for free outside the house, and was too self-conscious to pick them up. Including, he said, I've included an old comic in it. I thought, what are you trying to say? And it was actually an edition of The Magnet, which is a very old comic. Well, you must have been delighted.

Yeah, I was drawn to that. Very attractive cover. And relax. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Where were we? Well, an area that we don't often cover on this show that I would like us to is people being cleared after a miscarriage of

justice yes it's always good isn't it and I bring your attention to a gentleman in Scotland who is named Stephen Smith who was sacked from his job for complaining in the work canteen when he paid £1.99 for a portion of chicken nuggets and was only given three. And he complained, he got a bit red in the face. The person who had sold him said chicken nuggets, then said, well, you can buy three more for 99 pence. He complained a bit more, said something sarcastic, like if I wanted a Happy Meal, I'd have gone to McDonald's uh and he was sacked a miscarriage of justice i think well can i then can i speak as a sort of a tribunal member on this yeah yes how do you interpret the phrase if i wanted a happy meal i would have gone to

mcdonald's uh because a Happy Meal is, I think, it's one of the few genuine bargains one regularly gets in the modern world. You get your food, a drink, and sometimes you get the book or toy option. So it's an odd example to use of something that isn't a good deal. What do you agree, Al?

Oh, right. Yeah, I see. I didn't actually, I didn't think about his Happy Meal comment very much. I'm more focused on the fact that he'd been given £5,000 after his unfair dismissal. Yeah. Dissatisfied Stephen Smith, 30. Well, what I liked about...

Let's call him Steve. Steve's... Steve-o? Steve-o to all the familiars. No, do you know what I quite like, Steve? Let's go, Steve. So Steve said, and I quote from his statement here,

that when he received only three chicken nuggets for £1.99, that he was left shocked and disillusioned. Yeah. Now, I agree. I think it does sound like he got short shrift. Yeah. But not surely shocked and disillusioned. Shocked.

I don't know. And also, to be disillusioned, is that a bad thing? That means that he was harbouring some sort of illusion, which this woman has relieved him of. In his defence, he does claim that other customers were getting four or even five chicken nuggets in there. Yeah, he does say that. Nevertheless.

Sounds like he was being victimised to me. Nevertheless, she robbed him of his illusion, according to him. And so he got, instead of a book or toy, he actually got chicken nuggets plus the truth. How many of us can say that? What he didn't order was a bite of the reality sandwich. If he wanted that, he'd have asked for it.

I agree with Al that the crux of this is that others got four or five. Oh, yeah. If you got three, you could just think, what a cheapskate place. I won't be using the works canteen again. But to be confronted with other people, I mean that that there's no need for that at all he stormed out um can i say when he saw other people with four or five he said he felt the canteen were and i quote again conducting a vendetta a vendetta against it which which is not that small ice cream thing. No, but I mean, I like the sound of it.

He's a man of high drama. It's very Godfather, I know what you did, Fredo. I mean, come on, mate. Steve. Look, but I've got to say I'm with Steve on the I get three, they get five. Of course you are. There is no justification for that. Should we go back to dissatisfied Steve, 30? Let's call him a grieve Steve.

A grieve Steve. Steve a grieve-oreeve Steve, very good. Steve Agrivovich. Very good. I do like that a lot. We've had... Because you don't know Steve Agrivovich was a footballer. I think was he goalkeeper for Coventry City? Oh, lovely work.

I think so. You see, together we are beautiful. I would like to also, I mean, lest we forget, the dinner lady in question. I don't think she'd call herself that. I think she's a canteen operative. I do apologise to the canteen operative. I would suggest that she might be a stingy and vindictive canteen operative.

Oh, you can't say that. Well, we don't know the circumstances. Indictive canteen operative. Oh, you can't say. Well, we don't know the circumstances. She gave him fewer chicken nuggets than the person that got four or five. Yeah, but it could have been an alpha side. Listen, the canteen operative...

Lovely corrects the only there, Frank. Thank you for that. The canteen operative stated that when he, when Steve said to her, if I wanted, what did he say? He made the remark. If I wanted a happy meal I'd have gone to McDonald's, which is perfectly reasonable logic, but why bring it

up? Well, the canteen operative said her stomach was churning afterwards. And it was suggested that he was somewhat aggressive. She does get free nuggets, though. I did wonder, looking at the photo, if the stomach was churning because of the nuggets rather than the... You want to lay off the canteen food.

Her stomach was churning, and that is why we should say Steve was unfortunately... He was no longer with the company. No. As I believe the euphemism goes. Well, she said a very, I'm going to quote the canteen operative now. I've quoted a degree of Steve. I don't see it.

Steve aggrieve, sorry, Steve aggrieves-ish. Not easy, but we'll stick with it. It's worth it. This is what she said. She said, I knew he was angry because his attitude, his tone and his language changed. Apparently, he spoke Serbo-Croat for 10 minutes. And then, and this is also helpful, he became louder than he had previously been. He became louder than he had previously been. I think this is a very comprehensive checklist for anger recognition.

Yeah. Because sometimes you think, is this person angry or are they not? Just go through those. Change your tone, volume. It's all there. I think we have to allow for the fact this woman, even if Steve was aggrieved, was it,

she may have been intimidated if he was disgruntled in high volume. I feel a bit for the operative as well. No, I don't. Alice picked his side and he's sticking with it. Fair play to him. I just think if she can't stand the heat, she should stay out of the kitchen. Oh, love it.

Brilliant. I love it. Do you know, apparently, Steve also said to her, is that it? Yeah, well, that's fair enough. I think that would be a phrase that sprang to mind when you look. You see, I imagine that it would look like a short three stanza poem. These three chicken nuggets in this big white cardboard surrounding.

And it's not what he was after at all. He wanted a page of prose. You see, why didn't he just rely, Steve, on good old-fashioned British passive aggression? You know how I would have dealt with that? Oh, sorry. Now he's skipped the passive part out, I think. Go on, what would you have said?

Well, I think we should go through how we all would have dealt with that. I'll start, and then I'd like to hear you two. I would have said, oh, sorry, I think maybe you've forgotten a few words. It's looking a little bit smaller. Bit of a problem. Yeah, that's fair enough. What would you have done?

I think I would have said, I demand a recount. Otherwise, I would have felt like some Al Gore character when I saw the others going off with their... What about you, Al? I suppose you'd have just hit... No, no, it's a female. You wouldn't have done that. I don't really hit males either.

Oh, OK, sorry. Well, how would you have handled it? I think I would have brought up the fact that three nuggets for £1.99 is 66.33 pence recurring. And, you know, if it it was four it's 49.75 per nugget and I've done the maths

if I'd got five it's actually 39.8 I can hear the churning I can hear the churning I can hear the mathematics induced churning it's just not fair

it's overpriced it's overpriced at that no no I mean 66 pence per nugget come on we all feel that Steve had reasonable aggrisovic It's overpriced at that, isn't it? No, no. I mean, I think... You pay 66 pence per nugget? Come on.

We all feel that Steve had reasonable agrisivage. And it was the authors and their... Those authors and their four or five nuggets. I've come to despise them. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I think when we were discussing this, what was it, the catering operative,

I forgot the phrase that you used. I think that was it. Yeah, canteen operative, yeah. The canteen operative. I think to a certain extent she may have poured some fuel on the flames of Steve Smith's anger. Steve Zagrisovich. On the flames of Steve Smith's anger. Steve Zagrisovich. Yeah, because when he said three chicken nuggets for £1.99,

that doesn't seem very good value or something. She said, well, you can buy three more for 99 pence, which, I mean, obviously we're all thinking that's 33.3 recurring. Of course. Price per nugget. What was Al's nickname for mathematics? Al-Adid. Al-Adid.

That was it. That was it. Yeah, Al-Adid. He also gets called, it's funny because some people like to call him Muscles. Yeah. But I'm just being this mathematical. Because there was a time when Al goes numeral. Yeah, some of what people call me at gigs is not broadcastable.

No, I'm sure that isn't true, but we'll stick with this. I'll bet none of them realised that they were actually taking part in a maths problem for future BTS ePapers. I hope it appears on one of those programmes for kids. Bite size, obviously, would be slightly inappropriate. That's good. Also, the tribunal, and I don't want to name names, but one of the members of the tribunal said that the Happy Meal,

a bit like me, they were floored by the ambiguity of the Happy Meal. They said the Happy Meal comment for some could be seen as positive. Let's go back to the Happy Meal comment. If I wanted a Happy Meal, I would have gone to McDonald's. I don't think it's especially negative. I would call it a non-sequitur but um how could it be seen as positive i don't know where the tribunal is coming from with that if i wanted a happy meal nothing positive yet for me i would have gone to it's all if yes he's living in a world of what if

aggressive rich at this stage. There's nothing... It can't be seen as positive. I think the tribunal slipped up in that element, is what I'm saying. He did say as well, Steve Agrivovic, that he has a medical condition which forces his face to go red.

Well, that's different. To explain away why he would have come across as particularly heated. Yes. I think that's okay. I remember Darth Maul was in front of an industrial tribunal and explained how that had happened. Look, it happens. Some people don't sweat either.

The singing detective. He's got a touch of the I don't sweat. He doesn't sweat maybe. We've all got our thing. The singing detective was busted down to a constable on a similar misunderstanding. We've had a missive from Ian Stuart Dutson who's one of our regulars This is to Frank on the radio

Divine Miss M and Al Adin What I like is he's done A-Double-D-I-N and then a little apostrophe. Oh, nice. The happy meal comment was not, in my view, a positive analogy. A grieved Steve's attitude seems to have been entirely

nuggetive throughout. Very good. Calculating the cost of a supplementary serving probably gave the CEO, canteen operative recurring nightmares. Oh, Matt has absolutely gone to town.

Thank you, ISD. I am sort of a pawn-based gloss on the whole story. Pawn gloss? Was that a football manager? Anyway, I was, I stopped at a motor... A literary Anyway, I stopped at a... A literary figure.

I stopped at a... Is he from... I'll tell you what he's from. He's from a Voltaire. Candide, yes. I stopped at a motorway services at Dukesbury. Oh, me too. And did you?

Yes, this week. So did I what if we'd bumped into each other nothing more exciting than unexpectedly meeting a friend anyway

there was you didn't dine at the Leon did you? I don't dine I'm not stop I'm in and out

you don't dine no I might pop in and buy you know a sausage or such like, but I would not sit in and dine. I don't like to sound like the sort of road comic amongst us, but the Gloucester services are fantastic. The independent sort of farmhouse-y ones. Bit tea bag.

Little bit tea bag. It's like a tea bay of the other side of the country. are fantastic. The independent farmhousey ones. A bit teabag. A little bit teabag. It's like a teabag of the other side of the country. How are we finding... I forgot the word for south. You've been up there too long, girl. It's your trouble. South Mimms.

South Mimms. I prefer North Mimms. Oh, okay. So, go on then. So had I went to the Leon and I got myself a nice axis of sweet potato coconut and pineapple curry you sit in the canteen seating area oh yeah but I also added some GFS and they were called GFS there's a big sign that said GFS and then they were called GFS. There's a big sign that said GFS, and then the price, can't remember what it was.

And I said, what's GFS? And the woman said, gluten-free chicken nuggets. And I sat down at them. It was late. We'd driven a long way. I was tired. I got back in the car, and I thought, why GFS then? No, not GFNG.

CG, rather, if they're gluten-free. And I thought, is it like gluten-free stuff? Or snacks, I presume. GFS. Gluten-free snacks. Is it just gluten-free? The gluten-free? No, it was a real...

They made a big thing that it's called a GFS, like they were trying to encourage us to use that. Oh, don't call it the gluten-free, it's like they're a ban. I mean, I came up with some other options in the car, but not for breakfast radio. I thought they were quite... They were nice, actually,

but if anyone knows what a Leon GFS is, give us a shout. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 01215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio,

email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I should say, before we enter one of our maniacal meandering chats, that it is the birthday today of Sarah Bishop, who is our producer on the show. She ain't with us so we've brought the presents in and we've decided to distribute them to the poor that's nice I feel it's what she Sarah I know it's what you would have wanted you're such a generous soul yes so when you when you see someone on the street in a pink Las Vegas sweatshirt,

you'll know where they got it from. So, yes, happy birthday to Sarah. I should say at this, and this is tempting Faye, because we have an hour to go, but during Sarah's lengthy absence... Two Saturdays. Two Saturdays, first in about five years. Faye, the assistant producer, has

stepped forward and stepped up to the plate. Obviously the show's not over yet, but thus far has done a fantastic job. So well done, Faye, as well. I can't stress enough that you've tempted that for it. I know, I've tempted Faye.

Sarah actually texted us as well, because she had a a run in, didn't she? Oh, yeah, she had. Our producer's boyf, who's called Matt, he of the lustrous whiskers. We love that. This was the thing. You know when people say something in conversation and you think, like, for example, my godmother stephanie de sykes

um no lindsey de paul lindsey de paul sorry i'm sorry everyone jack de mania um my uh yeah fernand de mcgillan um she said oh yeah uh matt was um was uh operating his drone when we was on holiday, and I thought, well, this is the holiday snaps gone out of control. So Matt travelled with his own drone and was then told, I don't know, by a man. Was it a man? It's always, it's usually a man. A man said, sorry, can you not fly that

because we're filming Mission Impossible 7. Oh, wow. So, TC in the house, it was a case of that. When I got that text, just seeing... Close friends get to call him TC. Oh, I wish I was a close friend. Yes, well...

How much do you love TC? Oh, don't. All I want to do is meet him. Can't you arrange that, Frank? Sarah's got closer than you. I've never met Tom. He might have walked past me, but... If anyone's listening, I'd like to meet Tom Cruise. Because he's so tiny.

Someone will sort that out, I'm sure. He's all over the place at the moment. He's all over Britain like a rash. In my dream. With his mission impossible. And I all over Britain like a rash. In my dream. With his mission impossible, mission impossible. And I'll have the same again curry. Yeah, exactly.

I'll tell you what, he would have loved to eat out to help out if he'd been here then, wouldn't he? If he'd have got three chicken nuggets for £1.99. Oh.

I like the way Al Frank referred to his mission impossible. You and your impossible missions at it again. I want to ask you a question about... As soon as I have a thought, the music... I wish the music wouldn't interrupt so much on music radio. Yeah.

No, I'll ask you in a minute. I mean, if you two don't know the answer, I know the readers will help me out. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, I have something for you, 095. Could GFS... Remember you were asking about when you'd stopped at the service station... By the way, I think there was a typo on our tweet,

and it said, what does GFC stand for in gluten-free chicken? And I think some people thought it was Gemma Friendly Collins or something like that. It's not. It should have been GFS. We've amended it. These things happen. Could GFS be gluten-free substitute? The substitute. I think that sounds good to me. You're right. Oh. The substitute. Yes. I think that sounds good to me, 095. Batter on the bench, shall we say, the gluten-free substitute. Yeah.

Okay. It could be. I thought there might be a representative of Leon getting in touch. I like the way you're saying it, Leon. Yeah. Well, I did feel like I was dialing out of the sort of fancier aspects owned by the son of I don't know

David Dimbleby shut up lovely lovely Henry that's very good knowledge children of TV people world lovely lovely Henry Henry Dimbleby charming man charming man.

Wow. Charming man. This charming man. I thought you'd enjoy that fact. I'm on my heels. I'm aghast. I'm not actually because we don't have

ghasts on the show anymore. Why don't we have ghasts? We have some. We have a very, very select few. We like some guests. And also, I think it's a tough gig for a guest. Why? Well, it's quite a standard we set.

Because we're so funny. Anyway, yeah, so... Have we had any... What does GFS in gluten-free chicken stand for? Yeah. Great Frank Skinner, as it turns out. So, we've got...

Outside world. Clive Silas says global fishing system tells you where all the fish and chip shops are. Well, that sounds good. That's a bit silly, Billy. It's nothing to do with chicken nuts. Come on. Come on, mate. And we have had from Punitive,

might be a nice friend for you, Frank, has suggested glorious Frank Skinner. Oh, great minds. Great finds. Slightly arrogant minds. Yes. I was saying it, of course, with a... I know, darling.

Some irony. Yes. I'd say 28%. Okay. We've also had 668. My flat has a name. Lives next door to Lucifer, of course. So what does 6'6 height say?

I'm going to bring it on again. You never know when you're going to hit the nerve with Emily, but there she goes. How lovely. Lucifer's name. Lucifer's name, yeah. My flat has a name. It's called Aromo,

which stands for a room of my own. Oh, how nice that is. Especially with Lucifer as a neighbour, you need a room of your own. Yeah. Love the show.

Panic room. Have a great weekend. That's from TC Peppercorn in the jewellery quarter in Birmingham. Oh, okay. Spicy. What's your rent like?

I've had, no, it's quite nice. That's your rent like? I've had... No, it's quite nice. That's a very good peppercorn rent joke. Thank you. Oh, I hadn't got it. I apologise. I thought as a sort of Nicholas Van Hoogstrotten of the show, you might relate to that.

I don't get that either. Alan? I think she's calling you a slum landlord. Oh, I see. I see. Blimey. I make Emily laugh, she makes Alan laugh. We will bring the audience in at some point on this.

I would like to discuss a story I enjoyed this week with you, but before I do, can I just point out that Elu, Elu2410, sounds like one of maybe Davros' children. He has sent us, or she, a wonderful image of a house name. Enclosed with the caption, there was a house just up the road from me called Ian. I'm obsessed by Ian.

That is, again, someone who's, they've taken the road less travelled, comically, on that one. I enjoy it. Now, we've been talking about complaints this morning with Steve Agrivovich and the chicken nuggets. I came across something this week which intrigued me because it involved what one would have assumed would be a complaint, one would have anticipated a complaint,

but oh, how wrong one would have anticipated a complaint but oh how wrong you would have been there was a character i think i believe this went sort of viral on twitter this story people enjoyed it so much so someone posted up that they'd received a note from a neighbor saying um dear neighbor i live next door and I would like to discuss your music. So you get to that bit. How are you both feeling then, Frank and Alan? Well, I'm braced. Yeah, you'd think this is... In fact, I'm clenched in some areas.

Yeah. What would you be thinking, Alan? It's not going to be good, is it? Yeah, I'd be worrying. Yeah, and you're correct. He David-stealed himself. Then, Did he David-steal the

former Liberal leader himself, or David-steal the veteran batsman who was brought into international cricket? I'll accept either. Okay. But, this note had a bit of a vault-fast. Oh. He then said, the neighbour But this note had a bit of a vault fast. Oh.

He then said, the neighbour then said, number one, after saying I'd like to discuss your music, number one, turn it the expletive up. OK. No, I'm not joking. You play good expletive. OK. Number two, tell me what songs you're playing. I need that for my playlist.

Okay. Number three, I'm not being ironic or anything. I really, really enjoy the music you've played since you moved in. Sincerely, Todd, the male part of the couple next door. Interesting introduction. Yeah. Send me some songs.

Who lives next door to Interesting introduction. Yeah. Send me some songs. Who lives next door? A push me, pull you? A centaur? Yeah. He says, no joke, good music. Now, isn't that quite a heartwarming story? It's interesting. I think I'm, in that note,

I'm still thinking sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm, right up until no joke, good music. But he's made the point that it's thinking sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm, right up until No Joke Could Mute. But he's made the point that it's not sarcasm so often. I don't think it's sarcasm, is it? No, I don't think so. I remember living next to a guy and he played very loud Body Holly during the night. And I quite like Body Holly. Did he ironically play That'll Be The Day during the night and I quite like Body Holly

Did he ironically play That'll Be The Day during the night? There is one called Early In The Morning by Body Holly Anyway, the next day I saw him and he said he said I'm sorry

about the loud music last night. This would be about 9am I saw him. I said, oh, don't worry, I really like Body Holler. He said, no, I do feel bad about it. I'll tell you what, do you fancy a glass of vodka with me? Oh, vodka. And I remember at about midnight that night he admitted that he'd anticipated I would say no.

I quite like him. Yeah, so we had a very wild day, during which I remember I fell off a boss seat and into the aisle. I want to know a bit more about this wild day. No, but that was an example of loud music that sort of led to, you know, a bit of camaraderie. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

We were discussing this neighbour who received an unexpectedly, I'm going to say generous response to his loud music from his neighbour. I have experienced, I've got to be honest, I actually don't mind music. Oh, really? I can handle music.

You mean next door, it's not a general statement. I think it was a review of music. Yeah, I was into music, I just tuned into music radio the other day and the presenter was saying they didn't mind music I'd go so far as to say thank you for the music for the songs I'm playing thanks for all the joy you're bringing

well you could live without it I ask in all honesty what I mean is if there is music being piped if there are sounds coming through from neighbours... Beats. Beats. Crashes, bangs and thuds are my issue.

Can't tolerate those. You see, the trouble is that's essentially the music I listen to. If I'm going to live next door to me, you'd love it. I get people come round and say, sorry, I heard a man reading aloud during a train crash. Yes, I was playing the fall. Well, that is what my current neighbour sounds like. That's another story.

I would say I had a neighbour who used to have a little burst of Mambo No. 5. Oh, a little bit of... Well, it would be, and it was late at night. Sometimes it would be like one or two in the morning and I'd hear, a little bit of Monica for my love. A little bit.... Well, it would be, and it was late at night. Sometimes it would be like one or two in the morning and I'd hear, a little bit of Monica. Same song. A little bit, yeah. And perhaps he was dating women on rotation.

Or maybe it was a workout, sort of workout routine he did. Do you know, I found it oddly cheering. I found it quite comforting. What sort of time are we talking about? Half one, sometimes two. Ooh, okay. But if someone's listening to a party song, it feels quite benign, Mambo No. 5.

So it didn't bother me at all. He didn't proceed it with the other four Mambos. He cut to the chase. I believe David Baddiel once said to me, what I want to know is what happened to Mambos 1 through 4? Yeah. They must think. Do you think they exist or has he just been...

What, Louis Baker? Somewhere in Louis Baker's notebook there are Mambos 1, 2, 3 and 4. It'll be like at the V&A Museum when they had the Ziggy played guitar written in pen in the notebook. Yeah.

You know, you need, if we all need a ramp. Maybe the names Frank were from an earlier period. You know, a little bit of Ivy in my life. Some old fashioned names, Elsie. It's interesting, I lived in a bedsit and there was a

sculptor lived in one of the other rooms and he only had two records and they were vinyl and they were Blue Mondi by New Order and

Love Missile F1100 by Sieg Sieg Sputnik and he played them in rotation over and over and over and over. And I heard them so much that for me they became like breathing in and breathing out. I almost didn't hear them.

I used to work in a factory and I worked in like a man in an office next to the main factory. And people would come in and say, how do you cope with that thumping all the time? Because it was five ton hammers. And I'd say, oh, yeah, yeah, I don't really notice it. Occasionally, you know, a mug would fall off a shelf because it'd been edged to the end by the vibrations. In fact, I was talking to a bloke this week who said his mate lived next to a hospital

and several times he has been in the car. You know those people you see in a car and there's like a fire engine behind them with all the lights and they're not pulling over or anything. They're just driving along. Sometimes you get that... And once I heard a police van go

get out of the way there's not a speaker available get out of the way and this bloke said he was that guy because he just didn't hear the sirens anymore he just kept a police car once I was on my way to a football match

it went, hey, Frank, Frank, on the main loudspeaker from the police car. It's humiliating. We were talking about this lovely note from the neighbour. Yeah. We were talking about music, weren't we, on Absolute Radio? Yeah, exactly. To live without my music would be impossible to do,

as John Miles once said. Frank, you were... I feel slightly different from you guys, because I can't honestly think of a time where I've ever heard a neighbour's or a passer's by music and thought, that sounds good. Most of the time, like, headphones or a speaker on a train, to me is synonymous with awful music, isn't it?

But you guys have got lucky, I guess, with Neighbours playing good stuff. Well, no, I think I'm comparing it to Crash Bang Wallop. What, Tommy Stewart? It's infinitely preferable because at least music is designed to be listened to i can bear it i don't mind that because it's go on go on no after apres vu my friend i i once heard music whilst i was performing as a stand-up and it was a music-y sort of festival thing and there was a distant tent where music started playing and it was Bombay Bicycle Club and I said oh this is good why are you guys all here and the whole audience got up and went to listen to Bombay Bicycle Club

yeah you got to be careful that's why we never mention what's on the radio during our slot on a morning. I think it's a sentiment. Tactical error. It reminded me of when I lived back in Oldbury in my childhood. I don't know if you know, but in our road, there was council houses on our side and private houses on the other. And I think as Kipling said, ne'er the twain shall meet. And then one of the, what we call the posh people, that's all very relative.

I like to say the poshians. Yeah, stopped my mum in the street and said, look, this is none of my business, but I saw your neighbour walking out of your yard across into his yard with a shovel full of your coal. I know this has sort of a good King Wenceslas feel to it, this anecdote, but yeah. And we discovered that that's what they were doing. They were stealing our coal for their own fire. Can you believe that?

Was that the equivalent in your day of stealing someone's Wi-Fi connection? Well, yeah. I suppose it was, yeah. It was quite a big deal. My dad had to go around and have, I don't know if there were actually words. There might have been some words.

I think there might have been spades. Hither and thither. But it was quite a big, quite a shocker. Oh. Well, I'm glad they got theirs. As you said, it is slightly out of date. Before we got

682, when I was on the traffic police, we had a plane car fitted with a wolf whistle on the loudspeaker. Oh, wolf. And then it is a lady. And I thought my anecdote was out of date. Well, what I like is that Tuppence,

one of our regulars, is very self-aware. She says, we didn't know. Excellent. Excellent. A wolf whistle on the speaker. Oh, my goodness. I couldn't imagine you kept doing that on polling day. And as ever, thank you so much for listening to us today.

And again, I do genuinely thank Faye, who was... I love to see ginger-haired people doing well. And, sorry, do you accept ginger as a colour? Because I have a ginger head so I'm very keen to promote the G word

as I've said before I am to the gingers like Joanna Lomley was to the gherkas I'm not actually

one myself but I push their cause so yes if the good laws fail us and the creaks don't rise

we're back again this time next week now get out