The Frank Skinner Show - Ain’t Alerts

Episode Date: January 29, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week was Frank’s Birthday and he went to the theatre with Emily. The team discuss intermissions in films, a dog cinema and vintage ashtrays.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio and you can email the show via, and here is our email address frank at absolute radio or one word doc all lowercase remember used to say that all the time dot co dot uk there you go all that all that stuff yeah i've had um it was my birthday yesterday happy birthday Thank you. I had a splendid day with lots of love. It's been marked by Ruth Jordan, one of our readers. I do hope Frank enjoyed... The morning sun shone down upon the eyes of Ruth Jordan.

Oh. OK. Ruth said... Is that an actual song? It's Lucy Jordan in the thing, but it's near enough for me. I do hope Frank enjoyed his birthday. Last year, we learnt that he shares it with... Do you remember, Frank?

Is it... It's a saint. Well, oh, it's... Yes, it is St Thomas Aquinas. Very good. Yes. What I like is Ruth says he shares it with St Thomas Aquinas very good what I like is Ruth says he shares it with St Thomas Aquinas of course

what do you say of course it's also a year since Frank was an on air doula and helped bring my nephew Jack into the world sadly they didn't name him Shane too thanks Frank and she sent you a little emoji

with some kisses on it. Oh, lovely. You know, these new emoji things, they're catching on, aren't they? Do you know the gritted teeth emoji? I don't know that I do. The one that's like somebody said something wrongly. Okay. So it's like a face showing some teeth.

that somebody said something wrongly. OK. So it's like a face showing some teeth. I used it yesterday when my wife had had a root canal done. Is that wrong? Oh, I think that's a good one. It's quite a literal use of the emoji. Yeah, I don't know if I should have sent... My auntie had arthritis.

I sent her the fingers crossed. Can I tell you... Can I say there's nothing funny about arthritis? Don't write to me. I apologise. It's a terrible thing. Apparently, guys, I've discovered... Do you know what we must never do?

Apparently, it's a real boomer move. Yes, that is the language of my niece. Wow. To send the raised thumb emoji in response to something. So to say, see you at five. It's a real boomer move to send a raised thumb emoji in response to something. So to say, see you at five, it's a real boomer move to send a raised thumb emoji. Well, you know, a paparazzi once said to me, don't stick your thumb up, Frank.

He said, we never use a thumbs up unless it's Paul McCartney. Interested inside information. Oh, I've had some gifts actually I mean I got some lovely gifts yesterday from my family the highlight of which I think was a book called trees in Anglo-Saxon England by Della hook which I know that sounds ironic but I will read I've already started reading it's like an academic piece on where there were trees what they were used for and also their mystical uses is Della from the the Hook family she Captain Hook no she's got an e on the end um Della I believe is housed in

Birmingham Red Brick University as opposed to the one I went to, which was a polytechnic, and now is City of Birmingham University, I think it's now called. Yeah, so Joe Roccos wrote to me. Now, Joe Roccos said, I sent you a few books a couple of years ago. The one you liked was the jake thackeray lyrics one

i am a big fan of jake thackeray gathering rose was of our own anyway and it says you you meant you mentioned me on your podcast and asked if i was related to cleo rocos well yes i am her sister-in-law cleo is still as funny and beautiful as she was with Kenny Everett. Can I say, that is absolutely true. I had a dinner with Cleo Rockhorse. Oh, yeah. At the home of hairdresser Charles Worthington. Oh.

A few years ago, but... I don't know about celebrity. She started a tequila brand, which didn't give you a hangover. Ah. God, thank God she didn't start that 30 years ago

or else I wouldn't be here now. I'd be in the ground. In the ground. Yes. Well, I've got to tell you something about

Jo Rocos. We should come back to the dinner with Cleo. You'll be able to carry on Cleo afterwards. She sent me a Bob Ross sticker. You'll be able to carry on Cleo afterwards. She sent me a Bob Ross sticker.

You know Bob Ross who does The Joy of Painting? Is that what it's called? A Bob Ross sticker. But unfortunately, she's clipped it on with a paper clip, which has scarred Bob's head in the post. It looks like Bob Ross was delivered by Von Toose. But I still like the sticker for all his scarring. I'll forgive him that.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, Frank just said. I'm going to give some insight. Am I allowed to share this, Frank? Well, I can't remember what I said, but let's go for it. Let's go for it. Sometimes Frank has some interesting views on things. Discuss this, Al.

I've gone off Peter Sellers. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll tell you why I've gone off Peter Sellers, because he visited, you know, I'm now using the Beatles Get Back documentary as a sort of guide to life. And Peter Sellers, I think I established last week

that John Lennon was clearly a massive fan of the Goons. Yeah. Anyway, they were visited in the studio by Peter Sellers. And, oh, man, I just wanted to slap him. It's like he's with the Beatles and he looks really bored sitting with the Beatles recording music. Have you seen it? It's just one of the most excruciatingly awkward moments.

Oh, get out, Sellers. That's the sequel to Get Back. Yeah, exactly. Get out. Honestly. So I've gone off him. Okay. And he's a genius.

So, listen. Oh, yes, I also had... This is good. I had a card with a selection of different cheeses on it from Mrs Beaton's cookbook. Oh, you're still friends with her? Yeah. Richard

sent me this and he also sent me, I mean, I can hardly tell you how pleased I was to receive this. He has sent me a Spectrum Pursuit vehicle which is, we were discussing Captain Scarlet and did he sit

backwards or forwards in a Spectrum pursuit? He's clearly sitting facing backwards in this. It also, it does speak. I don't know if you'll be able to hear it, but this is some of its things. The Spectrum jet has crashed. The Spectrum jet has crashed. Delivered quite deadpan.

I mean, I'd have thought that was big news. I can see them. Come on, let's go. Can I just do the last one now, because this is my favourite. Yeah. I'm in the SPV and I'm on my way. Oh, that one I like. The Spectrum Jet has crashed made me worry a little.

Yes, I think it's old news. This looks like a vintage toy i've just noticed you pointed out last week the uh fay who's um our assistant producer had on a tank top in a sort of orangey burnt orange color and you compared it to captain scarlet well she had a black long sleeve thing under it looked exactly like the Spectrum uniform. So if you were Colonel White, you wore a white gilet. And if you were Captain Scarlet, obviously there's Scarlet and so on. And Captain Black wore, he had matching black and black on there. You know when you wear a T-shirt over anything with long black sleeve?

I find it impossible to do that without thinking chimpanzee. From all the days in my youth when people used to put chimpanzees in T-shirts for entertainment, the long black arms hanging beneath. And Frank, I've told you this before, what is t-shirt over shirt? Anyone? I don't know. Tory MP at a jumble sale. Of course, that's a charity t-shirt though,

isn't it? That they're forced, you're offered with like a tie on and everything underneath. Yeah, it's a good cause, of course. Yeah. We're not disputing there. Yes, I had a brilliant birthday, and thank you for various cards, things. Lovely.

Okay. So, yeah, hold on. I'm just going to start a new thing. The producer was up like a whippy. Yeah. To stop me. God, it's a brutal business. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Me and Emily, Al, we went on the town last week after the show. Yeah. Did you? I did. Emily took me for lunch. This is a birthday treat. For lunch. And then I had a sort of fancy fish and chips

black and cod I thought he's changed and then we went to see The Shark is Broken oh I was only talking about this very production to somebody last night Frank you explain what it is

ok I'm going to do it in song form. The shark is broken Like an animatronic dolphin No. It's a play about the making of the film Jaws. Yeah. Yes.

And the remarkable thing about it is that it's written or co-written by Ian Shaw who's an old university friend of mine and Ian Shaw is the son of Robert Shaw and looks exactly like him who starred in the film so he's playing his dad and it's almost very odd to see him in that cap and it sounded exactly like him but But it was great. We loved it. We loved it. And we went back afterwards to see him. We went back, didn't we? We went back.

We met outside the stage door. We did. And he came out. And he was charming. Yeah, I shook his hand. I think outdoor handshaking is allowed on the plan B. And some selfie people got a strange two- one, Frank, with you and Shaw. I was worried that those people, and there was a few off, there was a great bit where someone said to me, can I have your autograph, have you got a pen?

And I just pointed at this enormous stationery shop which was right next to the place. next to the place. No, I think those people thought that I went from stage door to stage door on a Saturday just getting attention. Some tragic, almost like a Phantom of the Opera type figure who went around hoping to cash in on someone else's success. Either that or we said maybe they thought, and that's himself, Frank Skinner.

Exactly. He appeared. Frank wanted to get a job as the shark. I had to tell him. Well, I have. I was an animatronic parrot once, you may recall, in a sitcom pilot. I played, you can guess why I got this job. It was called Jasper Parrot. So it had like a Birmingham accent.

And I had to sit in an enormous harness thing on a throne and operate the parrot. It was tremendous fun. Sounds fun. But we never saw the shark, as you can know. What about those kids we had sitting next to us? Oh, they were a nightmare, Frank. Well, I couldn't hear them.

They were on my bad side. Well, I couldn't hear them. They were on my bad side. Al, I've discovered something extraordinary. Frank is much more tolerant than me. No, I couldn't hear them. Or waxier, is what I'm guessing. That is also possible. There was a bit, though, where Emily said to me, Oh, God, these kids kids will they ever shut up

because there was a bit when the lights went down one of them went why is it going dark anyway they were just you know it was inappropriate

I think the mum made a mistake it wasn't really suited for kids I think it was clearly they had all sweet bags with them

I think she thought it was a sort of like something to do with the shark song or something it was a kids play but something to do with the shark song or something. It was a kid's play. But I did say to Emily well if you make theatre about cinema you're likely to get

a cinema audience instead of a theatre audience and she said oh my god it's like being out with my dad. Which I took as a tremendous compliment actually. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So, yeah, it was good.

I like a making of. Yeah. I've got to get back by the Beatles. The shark is broken. What's your favourite making of? 8, 12, 15. What about that for a link? That's a texting.

There'll be some crackers. Do you think that Robert Shaw, that's a case of nominative determinism, this idea that your name can lead you, have an effect on your life and what you do with your life, like Gary Player becoming a golfer. Robert Shaw is in one of the great sea-based films of all time. This is true.

Do you think that... Oh. As in Shaw. Yeah. Oh, I've got you. I'm wondering if that could be relevant. It's like... Remember that picture of Peter Stringfellow in a thong?

I mean, that's quite... That's some gear change. But that was nominative determinism. Talking about one of the greatest actors. Now,

you've gone to Peter Stringfellow. I, I have a soft spot for Peter Stringfellow. I've said this many times when he said

on telly, when asked what he found to talk to his 18-year-old wife about. He said, well, this is my advantage, you see, I'm very shallow. And I always loved him for that. I mean, we knew, but for him to just come out with it.

I felt like I was at Stringfellows for part of the evening because there was a lady next to me, I can say this, who was bending down and she was wearing leopard print leggings and you've got to be careful. Yeah, I have no comment on this. I'm just saying it was a lot. Well,

anyway, we've had a text in about The Shark is Broken. Oh yeah. It's 577. I saw The Shark is Broken the other week and was blown away by Ian Shaw. Also loved the songs playing before the play started, which I realised were all from the year Jaws was filmed. Haven't heard Billy Don't Be a Hero for years.

That's Tracy and Boreham Wood. That's a level of attention to detail I wouldn't have picked up on. No, we did notice that. It was, you know... Sugar Baby Love by the Rubets. It was one of the first times I could sit there and say Frank, what's this? I didn't know he could answer

every single one. Yes. It was impressive. Sugar Baby Love was incredible. I was saying that, you know, people have a gimmick in the music business. You didn't have to... The bar wasn't very high then for gimmicks. Their gimmick was they wore white caps.

I mean, it's not a massive thing, is it? But everyone was talking about it. You know, considering what you have to do now. Because I felt a certain connection as well with the production. Because I once interviewed Richard Dreyfus who was also in Jaws and he was on my chat show whilst plugging

the producers which he was about to open in the West End I think we need to say Dreyfus don't we oh isn't it I think it is it'll always be Dreyfus I think I called him Dreyfus on the night is it Dreyfus you I think I called him Dreyfus on the night.

Is it Dreyfus? You might be right. I thought it was Dreyfus. But who cares? Come on. Anyway, more importantly, on the night, he said, look, don't come. I just want to say to anyone watching, don't come to the show for the first six weeks because it's nowhere near ready.

And when I went back into the green room after that the pr woman was in tears third comedy she was so upset by it um so i yeah and in the film he's something of a loose cannon so in the play rather so uh that fitted the dreyfus Dreyfus, let's call the whole thing, Richard. Didn't really work, did it? Do that again, Paul. Okay. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

On the subject of the outdoor handshake and all that, I realised this week there aren't many people left now who I hog outside my immediate family. But my chiropodist is one of them. As I left him this week, we hogged, and I thought, yeah, why do we still do that?

Why did we ever do it, me and the chiropodist? But it feels right. I suppose it's an intimate act in many ways. Is he male, the chiropodist, but it feels right. As long as it's an intimate act in many ways. Is it male chiropodist? It's male, yeah. How, I mean, what sort of... Oh God, I wouldn't hug the female.

It is odd, I mean, because it's sort of a working relationship. It feels a bit like if you told us that you ran your fingers through the hair of the window cleaner. Yeah. Well, if only we had a window cleaner we've decided to go frosted we um no that the thing about if it was a woman i definitely wouldn't do you remember um our pre if i may mention our previous producer daisy she um told me off once she said you got the most unpleasant hog and it was like it's like a sandwich board if

i hug a woman i can go for the shoulders but then i have to have complete separation from the rest of the body because there are some men who when they go into a hug with a woman there's an opportunist thing which i find very unpleasant yeah can almost hear Marty McCutcheon going through their brain saying this is my moment or maybe of course Andrew Lightwebber's Eurovision song my time it's my

time oh no I don't like that oh Daisy by the way former producer told me you know when we had these things about food things that are like sausage and beans and there's no sausage you need and stuff like that, food accidents

that you complain about, she was telling me that she'd bought a Kit Kat that had no biscuit element, that it was solid chocolate I said that, you shouldn't have ate that that's like a, that's amazing. That's a museum piece.

I'd be so happy if I got that. But would you be happy? Why wouldn't you? Well, then, if I'd wanted that, I would have bought a Galaxy. Do you know what? I think I do secretly want that when I buy a Kit Kat. Oh, yeah, I see. The biscuit is just a ruse. It's a compromise

purchase. You're absolutely right. What about when I got make-up on Daisy's white top once? How did you do that? Just by kissing her hello. Oh, OK. Because it was resting the foundation. It does happen, you see.

Normally, the social contract dictates. I've seen it many a time. I've seen gentlemen wipe it off a suit, an expensive white shirt. They don't say anything not Daisy, she said you've got make-up on, I won't and so I said, I don't think it was me, I think it was you, she said no it was you

I said it was you, it was you Oh dear, I'm glad, again That went on for four hours Do you know I bought her a new one? Did you? Wow, worth remembering Good use of do you know there. I liked do you know. I think you might have got

a bit of makeup on my Lexus. Well, I've heard some names. Now listen, something that occurred to me during The Shark is Broken, by the way, and I feel I might have mentioned this before,

but it's a long time ago. Has the intermission disappeared in films because there's no there's no interval in the play but in you know films are getting longer and longer does the intermission still exists where you get a little break and people have because it was a great money spin I don't know if you've ever done a gig anywhere Al, the moment you tell them that you're not doing an interval, they become very irate

because obviously, yeah anyone recently experienced a cinema intermission, we'd love to hear from you and not like 1968 not like Cheyenne Autumn in 1969. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran.

Text the show on 81215 for goodness sake. Stop being so tight. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk Bob Gell's off in the middle of Live Aid

exactly nice to hear the potential text as being admonished the same way I am so often in real life stop being so tight

we were very tight I heard George I've got Beatles I think what's happened do you know he's Beatles mad it's that Kath

had no interest in the Beatles and we watched that thing and now we're watching the anthology now there's no stopping her so it's like

discovering it through someone else do you know what I mean do you know what I mean haven't you got a mother or a father that's actually the ravens or vultures

in Jungle Book not the Beatles I find that very sad that film I find a lot of children's films very sad there's a darkness in me some tremendous irresponsibility

of the adult animals in the place like the bear Baloo that takes Mowgli to you know

dangerous places come on guys well come on Al it's about building up his resilience

though isn't it by the time you get to the end spoilers oh here we go the old Spartan correspondent that's like letting the kid touch the electric fire is resilience though, isn't it, by the time you get to the end? Spoilers. Oh, here we go, the old Spartan correspondent. That's like, you know, letting the kid touch the electric fire,

you know, as an interesting life lesson. Yeah. Do people still have electric fires? I don't think so. And what was the other one? Too many cats perished. The other one was, well, the classic, the life lesson chair, I would say, was throw them in the deep end of the pool.

Oh, yes. Oh, God, that was a big one, yeah. Yeah. Did you get thrown in the deep end? No. I got our Keith tipped water over me in the paddling pool in the garden. I've been frightened of water ever since. Thanks for that, Keith.

I got thrown in the deep end at the house, inevitably as a showbiz link, at the house of Robert Morley. Did you really? Are you familiar with his work? Of course, yeah, Robert Morley. Father of Sheridan?

Yes. Yes. Robert Morley was one of those actors you don't really get anymore. No, he was very... And Hugo Morley, who was Robert's son, whose godfather rather brilliantly said,

yes, my godfather, Noel Coward, threw me in the deep end. There you go. Did you swim? No, I cried. Underwater? I got let out or scooped out. Crying isn't really in the options.

It's usually sink or swim. People say you sink or swim. People say you sink or swim. There's no sink or swim or sea. I just screamed and then I cried when I emerged. Crying underwater is wasted effort indeed. Anyway, let's brighten things up with some of the texts we've received about intermissions in cinema. Do they still exist?

They do. 914 has texted. In 2015, I think, it was my wife and I went to watch Quentin Tarantino's The Hateful Eight. It had an intermission at the hour and a half mark. You should have seen my wife's face. She went from being so happy because she thought the film had finished to shock and disbelief that she had to sit through the same again in act two it was a dull film admittedly and that's right oh god do you one of the great filmmakers i haven't seen it

i had a i had a quite a big argument with him on Late Night with Wogan. Did you? About violence in films. What did you say to him? He said that Reservoir Dogs was very realistic violence. And I said, no, it isn't at all realistic. It's the opposite of realistic. Because real violence has this ongoing thing that affects the family, it affects the person afterwards, it affects the rest of their lives.

I said, you haven't even given them proper names. What, Mr Pink? Oh, yeah, that's it. I can really empathise, Mr Pink, Mr Green. And, yeah, he got quite... He was all right. We made friends in the end, but, yeah, we had a proper row about it.

Anyway, that's me and Tarantino. Wow. Yeah. I think we'd better break on that. We've had this in from Emetan Guna. Oh, he'll be a nice friend for me. Yeah. Cinema intervals are most definitely a thing here in Switzerland.

Oh, okay. cinema intervals are most definitely a thing here in switzerland oh okay this is it's also at uh we said it was basil not basel didn't we frank i can't remember anyway i think it is basil i thought it was basel no maybe it's basel let's call the whole thing off let's call the whole thing zurich remember being shocked first time as i hadn't seen one in the UK for so long. Yes. 15 years later, and at the latest, the Bond film is still going strong. It seems to be a cigarette break for the smokers.

Oh, I see. Is that still a big thing in Switzerland? Oh, yeah. You set your watch by it. Yeah. Excellent. Also, Iona Faz, the old... Do you?

Where do you park it? The old West Side Story DVD had an intermission featured on it. Did it on the DVD? Cool. When I went to see... Quite controlling. I mean, I want this DVD. I'll make the decision. I've got pause.

Thanks very much. What I would say is... I've got pause. When I watch a film at home, I almost never watch it all in one night. Really? Yeah. Too long.

It's too long. It? Yeah. Too long. That's too long. That's a bit too long. So, yeah, I'll watch a film over four or five nights. I find that really odd. Oh, 45 minutes is enough

of almost any film. God. I could never... Really? Why not? I think it's awful. Oh, why? You two are getting on so well.

I know. I don't know. Do you know what? Each of the... Fever la difference. Yeah. I just feel, you know, I see you as a very disciplined character.

It's one of the qualities I admire most in you. Is it? Well, Kath always says to me, I don't know how you can take a bar of chocolate out of the. Is it? Well, Kath always says to me, I don't know how you can take a bar of chocolate out of the fridge, eat two squares and then put it back in.

And it's the same thing with the film. I just have two squares. I don't want to gorge myself on a whole film. Okay. I'm quite a gorger. Al, what else?

You're gorgeous. Oh. I think I'm back in now. I thinkger. Al, what else? You're gorgeous. Oh. I think I'm back in now. I think so. Al, what else? We've had some other missives in. Well, 350 has texted, I went to see one of the new Star Wars films a few years ago in Dover

and they had an intermission where they served cups of tea in actual mugs through a hole in the wall at the side of the room. That was the first intermission I've experienced in the cinema since I was a child. Really? I mean, that sounds Is there a war on there?

That's unbelievable. Tea in the interval. How did it? People's women sitting with blankets around them, waiting for news. Wow. I'd be very keen. When I was a young man, we'd go to the cinema.

We'd go somewhere and say, shall we go to the cinema? And we'd just go to the cinema. We wouldn't look at any listings or anything so we go to the cinema and go in and maybe watch the last 40 minutes of a film and then stay and watch the first hour and then go and put two and two together and now you're the person who chunks films into 45 minutes yeah exactly we can see how that works yeah i watch them in order though now. So I'd watch the ending and then sit and watch the beginning.

It's an interesting mental exercise. I think Al's right. I think that's really defined your viewing habits, those early experiences. I think it's defined my life. I find now I can look backward or forward and still be able to construct a narrative.

Little tip there for the youngsters listening. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Tom Sawyer, by the way, has just got in touch. Tom Sawyer? OK. Has he finished that fence yet? He's just got in touch. Tom Sawyer? Okay.

Has he finished that fence yet? I don't know, but they look very frayed, the bottom of his jean. Oh, he manhawked Finn. The turnips are somewhere in the swamp. I mean, they really do sit in the serrated edge chair. Good morning all. A belated happy birthday to Frank.

Ree Cinema Intermissions, Walton Cinema in Liverpool, still has them. Oh, good. It's an old picture house with just one screen. Is it somebody's home, essentially? The lady also still stands at the front with a tray of ice creams and sweets.

Brilliant. What you want is one of those cubicles on the way in. You know, those you get your tickets. Fantastic. It sounds lovely. I like those old picture houses. Very well. What we used to call them.

On the subject of cinema, I'd like to bring your attention to a news story from Manchester, where I live, this week. Oh, Manchester. Which is that Juicy Street Warehouse Complex, according to the news article, are doing cinema offerings for dogs. What do you think of that?

Apparently, now, there's an appetite for this there's not enough to give your dog a walk and some treats apparently you take it to the the cinema and the they're saying in the in the article that people can take their their dogs along to watch lassie and hotel for dogs and the original scooby-doo well so they've adapted i've seen this they've i mean i know a lot about these dog screenings frank oh okay they adapt the cinema for dogs essentially right so it's tiled it's completely tiled that's what i was wondering how does that bit work i don't want to be vulgar but i feel sorry for the people that clean up the cinema after I take my children there but if I took my whippet

I know I mean I feel a lot better about popcorn on the carpet if it'd need an industrial hygiene check after. Apparently it's well it has it's kind lighting which my dog really appreciates he's my fave. Kind lighting?

No it's to do with because they don't like it too bright the dogs um but then equally they get frightened if it's too dark okay okay you see that that worries me because i read the fact that it isn't as dark as a normal cinema um and i went to see master and commander you know that film russell crowe russell crowe i went to see Master and Commander. You know that film? Russell Crowe? Russell Crowe. I went to see that on Brighton Beach. How was it? It was still, obviously it was in the summer because it has to be warm enough to sit on Brighton Beach.

But in the summer it doesn't get dark until about half past nine. So a lot of it was peering, thinking you could just about see the picture you know when you have um you know when you get a t-shirt done at somewhere like pronto print then you wash it a couple of times and there's a fabulous sort of a mystical faded glory to the face that's what you just couldn't see hardly oh it's the laptop on holiday syndrome. We've all been there. Well, yes. And the trouble is, then you get the same tan line as the Teletubbies.

Nobody wants that. So the dog cinema, they get free... Do they get treats? I, they get free... Do they get treats? I think they get... You know, I don't like that so much, when they give products sort of cutesy dog names, like Pawpcorn.

Pawpcorn. Well, I've been sent Pawseco for Ray before. Oh, for Prosecco. The dogs don't eat... They don't drink alcohol, do they, dogs? No. I think we had a dog who drank beer. What? Only to my old man's enormous distress.

Well, I was once interviewing the TV presenter Anita Rani and we encountered a gentleman on our dog walk in the park and his dog ran over him as being quite sort of over the top and he said, sorry about him, he's a bit hungover. And I don't think that's very good. Oh, I don't know what to make of that. Imagine the two of them, maybe the dog in full clothing, sitting at night drinking.

It makes me feel quite square that my dog's gluten-free. She's not even having... Is she really? Okay, is that a health thing? Yeah, yeah, she's one of those people. Yeah. You know, she's the sort of person

that says, is this bread gluten-free? And looks at it, you know. Well, my dog, the films that they suggest like Scooby Doo the other night me, Kath and Boz was watching Racing Post

Greyhound TV were you? I don't know if you know that channel but it's just Greyhound racing all night the dog was going absolutely ballistic I mean barking to the point where we had to switch it off all night. The dog was going absolutely ballistic. I mean, barking to the point where we had to switch it off.

Really? Buzz was nearly wetting himself laughing when he said, why do they run? What makes them run? And I said, well, if a hare goes past on a monorail and he was killing himself laughing

and then a hare went past on a monorail and then that made him evil. But the dog... So if we took our dog, it would have to be a film that was canine-free because... Really? Yeah, she just barks.

She barks at... There was a polar bear on. She went absolutely ballistic. And the only human being is... Who's the leader of the SNP? Nicola Sturgeon. Nicola Sturgeon, yeah, she barks at Nicola Sturgeon. I don't know why, she seems a perfectly nice woman.

Well, you see, Raymond doesn't... You think so? She's a unionist, the dog. Raymond has never barked, as you know. Never barked? No, he doesn't bark. Wow. That's like never a crossword, isn't it?

Me and Raymond. It's good to have a rule. It is, yeah. Good rule for a dog. Barking, not me. I'm slightly ashamed of it. People say, what's wrong with him? Why doesn't he bark?

But he just never has. It's like the Harpo Marx approach to life. Does he play piano? It's, um, oh, that was the other one. That was Chico. He played the harp. Obviously, Harpo, the clue was in there. Yeah. You couldn't have a dog playing a harp. That would be unreasonable. I asked

Graham Hall, who Frank and I are both fans. dog yeah he's fabulous and he seemed to think there's nothing else to worry about it's all right he seemed to think i shouldn't worry about it i think it's a plus to be honest yeah it's i mean it's a bit embarrassing i mean i make it sound comical that's barking at the greyhound racing, but you do think, what do the neighbours think? You say that, but who's your favourite Marx brother? Groucho. Thank you.

Exactly, the big barker. Yeah, I suppose so. Yeah, I don't really... The dog doesn't look... Doesn't have much Groucho Marx characteristics. It's not whipping. It's one of a shouting thing. Yeah, sort of a Brian Blessed figure.

And you can only live with that for so long, and if you have a volume switch. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. One thing that bothers me slightly about this article that we've been discussing about the dogs going to the cinema

is that they say in the headline, shall we watch Star Paws or The Hound of Music? Now, why have they changed the titles of some of the films when there are loads of films that include dogs? Like, why didn't they just say 101 Dalmatians or, you know, Hound of the Baskervilles? Well, these people, they have to justify their earnings by coming up with puns for headlines, to be fair.

But they're rubbish. No, they are rubbish. I mean, when it comes to our standard. Yeah, we would have been in there with much better. What about Citizen Canine? I mean, absolutely. I'm not really going to... I think me and Al should leave that as done.

That's a job done. That's what my dog said when he went to the cinema. Yeah, exactly. I did... I learnt recently about dogs. I was under the impression that dogs only saw in black and white. Yes, I always hear that. Is that an urban myth that they're colourblind?

Well, it always troubled me because of the old paintings of them playing pool. Yeah. But apparently they can also see blue and yellow as well as that. So they would... So they're okay on snooker. Yeah, Wolverine, they'd love. And the Britney Spears toxic video. I believe he is in the flight attendant's uniform.

At least it's a blue and yellow. I think Banana Man is blue and yellow as well, if you recall him. Yes, I do. That's a great track, Toxic. Oh, man. I think co-written by Kathy Dennis. Was it really? There you go.

It's used in the second episode of the revived Doctor Who, I think, at the end of the world. Here we go. That's what I always think about. Have to ruin everything, don't they? Yeah. It's great, though. Britney, then, she was great. Well, I bet they ruin it, though,

because they have some man coming in in a strange monster costume saying, The limiter eliminated. There was quite a lot of that. It was alien heavy, that particular episode. There was the wooden people. And then there was the woman who was just... There was, yeah, they looked like...

Well, it sounds scary. They looked like trees. And then there was... Oh, God, what was her name? She... Something like Castrovalva, but that's a different... I mean, to be fair, sci-fi quite often. She looked like a trampoline.

There was a woman who looked like a trampoline, but she was human skin stretched out. Are you joking? I suppose they had to counterbalance the wooden people. Well, exactly. She had to be moistened regularly, lest she should split. Can I just say the wooden people, Al?

How much thought did they give that? Well, I think it's a bit harsh on the actors, personally. Yeah, exactly. Haven't they had enough reviews like that? Yeah. Someone will send in, it's going to annoy me now, what's their names? Madam Cassandra, that's what she's called.

Oh, based on the Greek. We've discussed this before. Cassandra. I've told you about Cassandra. You can spend the next break reminding yourself. I've forgotten about Cassandra. That was her fate. To become a trampoline. No!

What was going to happen in the future. Oh, is that a fate? That's not what we say on Racing Post Greyhound TV. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Those days are gone of doing your time, etc. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio. Email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. The producer just came over to me and I quite liked it, Frank. It's like we're in an office workplace.

She came over in quite a proprietorial way and was pointing at her pen because I had her pen. She wanted her pen back. I don't know. No respect. I quite liked it. Gotta no respect, as I think the song used to say. I quite enjoyed it.

Yeah. Can I... By the way, we were just getting nostalgic about cigarette lighters. Can you believe that? And I was on about when people used to have these lighters that were connected to like 25 pounds of onyx massive chunky geologically based cigarette lighters that people had what happened to those if anyone's got one of those do let us know i'd love to

i'd love to know that they're still out there. They haven't been broken up for landfill. They were very much part of the businessman's toys collection. Were they? Do you remember the balls? Oh, yeah, the Newton's Cradle. Lovely. I knew you'd know the name for them, Frank. Can I just share some outside world with you?

Do you remember I mentioned Kathy Dennis in the song Toxic, being a co-writer? Yes. 906 has texted in claiming, I say claiming because we have to leave this, you know, who knows, but claiming that Kathy Dennis wrote

Toxic allegedly, I think that's enough claiming and allegedly, about her relationship with super vet Noel Fitzpatrick. Really? That's from KB and Banger. Now, we neither confirm or deny, we don't know. I do know Supervet, he's a charming man. Whether this is true or not, I don't know.

But can I just say, I wouldn't mind having that song written about me. Well, I don't know what, I don't really know the lyrics of it well toxic's a bit of a clue I mean that's clues in the title it could have been you know that time I put some fake tropical fish in with someone's

real tropical fish as a joke and then all the fish died it could have been about that what would you say was the most famous, of course, you know, that song's about? Oh, I got it in one. Go on. You're so vain.

You're so vain. Come on. Warren Beatty. Oh, man, everybody went on and on. Of course, it's Warren Beatty, you know. I think we said Beatty. I thought it was about me. You're so vain, not you, Al.

Oh, of course. I bet you think this song is about you. Your cell phone, not you, Al. Oh, of course. I bet you think this song is about you. And Taylor Swift wrote a few about Harry, I believe, didn't she? Did she? I didn't know that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We'll think of some more. Did she write that? I wish I could fly right up to the sky, but I can't. And then Harry's video producer comes in. You can, Harry.

The Stiles lad, as you call him. Yeah, Stiles-y. We've also had a text in from 564 about the wooden people. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry I can't remember their species name. Oh, I'm not. The wooden people, perhaps the finest example of that'll do. Keep up the good work.

This is from Pete, who's waterproofing in Kent. Oh, I thought he was going to tell us the character name or something. There was quite an attractive wooden woman. Not something you say every day. You know your unlikely crush list? Yes. That's topped it. Yeah, one of my unlikely crushes was Ray from Star Wars,

but not the real one, the Lego one that was in Hanley's. Another unlikely crush, Al, was a woman getting out of a bath. Yes. Oh, that's right. Yeah, can I say... For senior people. That sounds thoughtier than it is, but she was doing it through a door.

Was it Thora Heard? No, it wasn't. It was a very attractive woman who was, yeah, more my age group. Not a bad thing. No. Do they operate like a lock in a canal system, the walking baths? That's what I would like to know.

I like your pin-ups have changed. It takes an hour and a half. Exactly. You have to stand there with like a tiny bit of water around your feet while the levels come up. There's a man who stands at the gate who turns it around in a small shed. I mean, you need a big bathroom.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 819. Have you seen this, Al? Let me have a look. I was on an email. Listen, you go ahead with your email. I don't like to show the innards. No, no, let's do 819 and then we'll go to the email that I've got ready to read.

819, Morning Franken team, never mind the onyx cigarette lighters. What about those ashtrays on stands with the push mechanism, which used to spin around and dispose of the ash in the receptacle below? Circa 1960s, 1970s. Do you remember those? I wonder if there's any of those still knocking around. Well. That's from Anne. I think if you want to become a collector of something,

ashtrays is probably not a bad place to start. Gross. What a gross hobby that would be, though. But we talk. We were talking about that. Now, I was saying that two doors open for the cigarette and in those, ashtrays on a stand. And you suggested that they spawn round.

It looks like you got it right, Emily Dean. I think there were two types, though. There was the sort of Venus fly, you know, it whizzed around and then there was another mechanism which was a bit more sophisticated. I think obviously smoking is very bad for you and anyone listening, I want to make that clear that we think that. But there used to be some fabulous paraphernalia that came with it.

And I remember my brother's feeling of sophistication when he bought a packet of what they call Sobranis and they were called cocktail cigarettes and they came in various pastel shades so there was like three or four colours in the same box and there was a pink and a blue and it was, oh yes, we were standing in Smedic outside the bath saying oh

what about this for a cocktail cigarette yes i wonder if you can still get those those babies anyway bad for you don't do it that's that's the message kids if you're listening we've had other correspondence al haven't we? We have. In one of Frank's crowd-pleasing text-ins, he's asked, what's the best making-of documentary you've ever seen? Oh, yeah.

And there's an email. I think this... Occasionally we move out of comedy on this show and into what I like to think of as just interestingness. That's all right. I think both are acceptable on radio. Yes, but what's that thing Frank often quotes? Was it a friend of yours who said

it's not called the Edinburgh Interesting Festival? Sarah Millican said that. Wonderful Sarah Millican, which I love. Yes. Well, this is interesting. Joss has emailed, hey guys, the best making of documentary is the one that accompanies the film Russian Ark. This is a 90 minute film shot in one single unbroken take.

It's a journey through Russian history and was filmed in the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg with a cast of hundreds. The museum could only be closed for one day to accommodate the filming. So there were huge pressures for it to be done on time but if there were any mistakes filming had to restart it's a fascinating behind the scenes account of an extraordinary film um that's nice isn't it that sounds incredible all had to be done in one shot it sounds tense oh man it says praise praise redacted will the sue gray report say

parties redacted i think it's very possible well we'll see sue gray steve burgess as well has just quickly making of west side story pretty much telling jose carreras he's not very good lots of frank butcher style pinching of the top of his nose oh it's one of my favorite documentaries pretty much telling Jose Carreras he's not very good. Lots of Frank Butcher style pinching of the top of his nose. Oh, it's one of my favourite documentaries, Emma. I'm going to send you a link.

I'd like to see that. It's full of Jose. Jose? Jose? I'm basing it on Mourinho but he says a lot Maestro, please. I have a memory

of someone on the phone arguing about money. Is it something like the making of Apocalypse Now or something like that? Oh, that sounds good. And a terrible, gut-wrenching, difficult phone call that you're so happy you're not part of, it just raises you up. Yeah.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Can we return to one of my favourite districts i'm calling it previously ah yes this is when people refer to things that happened in previous shows um giving a fabulous continuity and Continuity and operating, I think, like in Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition. Lovely. There is a continuing theme that goes in between each picture. Lovely. Yeah, it works like that. We need to have a jingle, really. What about Jethro Tull living in the past?

A bit like Mussorgsky's pictures at an exhibition, continuous theme. What about that? Have you got something a bit less obvious? Oh, kind of. It's going to have to be. Oh, I'm a gummy bear. Gummy, gummy bear. Oh, I'm a gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy, gummy bear. Love it.

I do want to kick off? Because we've had the ain't theme is proving very popular with the previous community. Yeah, we were talking about celebrities who either you think say ain't, as in I ain't quibbling with that, that kind of ain't. And then there's all sorts of celebrity aints have been appearing. Examples are Pete Waterman. Yeah.

Yes. You ain't never going to be a pop idol. Alexander Armstrong. I ain't walking through a cornfield with my collar turned up. Album trailer or no album trailer. I believe what he actually said was now he said um he was doing golden brown was it on his album and he said um stranglers light it ain't

that's right yeah um we've actually i know we're in the previously doc but if i could return us to current we've had a text today from 955 who said, after listening intently for several weeks to readers' nominations for the A in chair, I've been both frustrated and surprised that no one has mentioned B.A. Baracus from the A team. I ain't getting on no plane fool. Oh, yeah.

I just thought that was too obvious. Everybody knows B.A. i yeah i ain't getting on the plane fool i didn't mention it because uh i slept on traffic roundabouts for much of the time that the a team was on television i never i mean sat early saturday evening was a tricky one i feel with ba didn't exist for you the ain't feels less self-conscious in a way. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I feel with these...

So, for example, High Skinner and the Gang, I've listened since episode one, always podcast, never live. Okay. But I had to message today, I think we should trail this because it's a good one. Okay. But I had to message today. I think we should trail this because it's a good one.

Okay. As a few weeks back, you were discussing the word ain't. And now, in the past week, look what we've seen. Okay, and we'll leave it there. And then we'll find out the ain't alerts. Ain't alerts would be good't Alerts would be good, because you wouldn't be sure if they were alerts. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. We had, I left us on tenterhooks, or Neil did rather, one of our loyal listeners who's been listening, he said, since episode one. Goodness, I haven't been listening since then i ain't either and now yeah fickle he ain't you there are different types of ain't and can i say you very much adopt the pete orterman yeah i mean it's that i mean people are i think

we've gone on to sort of accidentally because because our readers have taken it this way, people just saying ain't. But there is, I always thought it was a specific ain't, and it is, it is Strangler's Light, it ain't. It's using it ironically, but never mind. And now, as Neil says, in this past week, we've seen two high-profile ain'ts. Have we really? Firstly, Adele. Did you hear Adele saying ain't this week, Frank?

I... Is it to do with her lack of preparation for Vegas? She says the show ain't ready. Yeah. There you go. And AJ, our old friend who we met at the Wimbledon, Anthony Joshua. Oh, yeah. He said, I'm hearing people saying AJ accepts 15 million to step aside.

I ain't signed no contract. I ain't seen no contract. He wrote this on a, I don't know if he wrote it on a, anyway, that's, and as Neil points out, they're bringing it back in the same way that Timberlake brought sexy back. A very strong showing from that campaign this week. High profile people as well. As Neil says, we ain't heard the last of it. No, I imagine not.

No, obsolete. It ain't. No. I think we can safely say oh this show ain't ready how often have we said that 7.58 on a Saturday morning we just go on don't we

I have done many many many shows that ain't ready you know my thing is if you've booked it it's going to be as ready as it is at the time. Isn't she complaining that there's some kind of swimming pool problem? Is that right?

First world problem. What is the swimming pool problem? I think she's got a swimming pool in the show that she didn't think was right. In the show? I saw Tim Key at the Edinburgh festival and he had a bath on stage i remember that show that was just at the edinburgh festival you'd think if he can do that in edinburgh you could get a swimming pool in vegas i would not go swimming but has she not seen sing they get a big pool on stage and it completely engulfs the theatre and destroys the whole show

I think another reason for it is that there was an outbreak of verrucas in the crew yeah well in the swimming pool they spread like wildfire

it's it's true mmm yes I love the swimming pool problem isolated

they ain't Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio problem. Isolated. They ain't. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. 21st of January 2022 we heard from Jim. This is previously, but I'm going to use it as a bridge

into currently, because we have been talking about dogs and colour blindness. And Jim said, listening to last week's show, I was delighted to hear that Alan is colour blind. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. As a sufferer of the condition myself. Oh, I see.

Yeah, I thought he was just being cruel. He just didn't like Alan. We don't normally read those texts. It's an interesting piece of unpleasantness isn't it very happy to hear about his color blindness anyway bye jim continues i think jim is something of an alan fan in fairness the reason i ask is that my wife of over 30 years does not accept this as a real thing. Yeah. In a similar way to Frank's views on fainting

and Alan's belief that average speed cameras are a placebo. Other than this, she has a beautiful soul. What colour is he? Now I'm going to ask you. She claims, I just couldn't be bothered to learn my colours. I hope Alan's autobiography is going well. Best wishes, Jim. couldn't be bothered to learn my colours. I hope Alan's autobiography is going well.

Best wishes, Jim. Couldn't be bothered to learn my colours. Of course, none of us can be certain that we see the same colours as others. That's my theory. I have the same theory as that, basically. I do see colours, but the labels are a bit different in my head. And I don't think they're as bright as everybody else's I don't mean the labels, I mean my head

What does it exclude you from Al? Is it the police that you're not allowed to? I think I'm excluded from a lot of things. Can't be a pilot Can't be a pilot I think it might be quite tricky to be an electrician although I'm excluded from that by the fact that I can't really

do manual labour very well at all. There'd be a ramp of difficulty and then you'd get there. Yeah. Sometimes I can't see what colours are on the snooker table if I've ever played proper snooker. I occasionally look at the reds and browns and see them as the same. Not easy. Yeah yeah all right anyway points at the Crucible do I I wish I'd got some slow piano music

although I like the sound of his wife she sounds quite um formidable doesn't she I love the wife saying I don't believe you i literally don't believe you no that's how it gets isn't it when you're with someone what about 081 al did you see this the kit kat with no wafer oh yeah yeah do you remember i was talking about yeah daisy had one solid chocolate. Pure chocolate? We had some correspondence. Have you seen this, Al? Yeah. Over to you. My friend had a Kit Kat with no wafer.

She complained to Round Trees, who made Kit Kat at the time, and they sent her a huge box of Kit Kats as an apology. I love that. They're my favourite stories of the retail world, when people complain and then get a big box of something. I love it. It continues. Jim doing his tax return in Sheffield. There's a lot

to come back there. That's a last minute, Lil. Yeah. I mean, come on, Jim. I wish they'd just sent her wifers. Tax return ain't ready. If tax return ain't ready, it's got to be here on Monday. Hurry up, Jim. What if they sent us some wafers

and a screwdriver and say, just do your own. Do your own what? Do you remember when I complained that the Bozzie's Iron Man mask

hadn't got any elastic on it and they sent me... So petty. I was so embarrassed when you did that. They sent me a £5 voucher to buy some elastic and a link to some elastic. I mean... embarrassed when you did that. They sent me a £5 voucher to buy some elastic

and a link to some elastic. I mean... It's a chocolate question. Why is it called Ritter Sport? I mean, why is it sporty, the chocolate? It's not sporty. I suppose it gives you that energy boost you need when it goes into stoppage time.

Anyway. Sorry. Episode four of my poetry podcast will be out on Wednesday. Walt Whitman, I think it is. Oh, episode four of my poetry podcast will be out on Wednesday. Walt Whitman I think it is. Oh, my favourite. I love Walt Whitman. I can't wait. A great champion of the not too tight

footwear. Great beard as well. Oh, brilliant beard. And it grew as his career grew. Anyway, catch up on the first three now from wherever you get your podcasts. They're all out there. Thank you so much for listening to this show as well. And you know what?

If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.