The Frank Skinner Show - Al Murray On Absolute Radio

Episode Date: July 3, 2010

Al joins Emily and Gareth once again. They talk Russian spies and things they haven't got round to. Stand up comedian Dan Antopolski is this week's guest.

I've got about 10 seconds to tell you how to get two-for-one tickets for top draw comedy nights near you thanks to our friends at the TV channel Dave at absoluteradio.co.uk. Also, I've got to tell you about how you can win prizes while you're there too. I've run out of time though. This is Al Murray on Absolute Radio. I am a Soviet sleeper agent who has been activated. Obviously not. Good morning, Emily. How are you?

I'm fine, thank you, Al. Jolly good. And Gareth, you well this morning? Yes, I'm good. Good. Now, we wanted everyone on 8, 12, 15 here on Absolute Radio to let us know the things you have not got round to. So if you're going to show us yours, we should show you ours.

Yeah. Emily, what have you not got round to? Oh, why do I have to get mine out first all the time? Well, because it's the morning and, you know, it's a jolly thing to do. Okay. What have you not got round to? Oh, why do I have to get mine out first all the time? Well, because it's the morning and, you know, it's a jolly thing to do. OK. What have you not got round to? I tell you what I never get round to. Well, I haven't got round to.

Firstly, having children. But I've got a packed schedule. Oh, no, I can't bear the agony. Secondly. It's early in the morning. Yeah, nor can Emily, that's the problem. Very good, go. Secondly, and more importantly,

I've never got round to getting curtains in my front room. Really? No, and because I live reasonably high up. So you don't live on a bus route, and it's not like the double-decker pulls up and everyone looks and goes, oh, look at Emily in those pyjamas. It's funny you should say that,

because sometimes I just think, well, not in pyjamas, sometimes I'll go around the flat and I might be rushing and I won't have any clothes on. So if I'm going from... Hang on a minute. Look, I need to make my teacup rattle when you say that.

Say that again. So I'm going from room to room without any clothes on. I can't, I can't. Let's just do that again. Go on, say it again. I'll be going from... Oh, my God, you're getting off on this, you pervert. I'll be going from room to room without any clothes on.

That's fine. But I might... I'll be paranoid that maybe, like, a Peter Crouch tall person or something might be passing and they might look in. So then I'll have to crouch. And then I'll look like Gollum because I'm all naked Crouch over the bin or something. But, yeah, I must get round to that. Yes, you must.

Because Peter Crouch, you know, we don't want to destabilise the England team in this critical time, do we? But him seeing you in a Gollum-like situation. Gareth, what have you not got round to? Well, when I watched the England match with my brothers... My teacup's not running, by the way. No.

And one of my brothers has got a bugle. So with the absence of Vuvuzelas, he got the bugle. A bugle? When was he born? 1812? That's very good to have a bugle. I like that, yeah. Sort of a retro way.

Yeah. We don't use bugles much nowadays, do we? Bugles, people don't communicate by bugle anymore. No. Maybe an iBugle would be the thing. I think we've lost something. I'm sure there's an app to do it. by bugle anymore. No. Maybe an iBugle would be the thing. I think we've lost something. I'm sure there's an app to do it.

And they also dug out my old trumpet because I used to play the trumpet. Well, I didn't. My dad bought me a trumpet and on the day we were out, I really wanted a trumpet

and I promised my dad I would learn to play it. Oh, and you didn't. And I didn't. But you found this trumpet yeah and the valves were a bit I oiled the valves

because you haven't got around to that no okay so anyway you never know in another ten years I might open it again and you don't want sticky valves no you don't

no exactly so you've got round to it so that's brilliant so we want if there's anything you've not got round to it could be like 20 year old trumpet valves please let us know

what you've not got round to now of course Andy Murray 20-year-old trumpet valves. Please let us know what you've not got round to now. Of course, Andy Murray didn't get round to the Women of the Final, did he? Oh, he really didn't. He didn't. Poor lad. He crushed. He's your cousin as well. That's what I heard.

Well, he's not my cousin anymore. I believe that. Now that he's out. Next you'll be telling me Jimmy Carr and Alan Carr aren't twin brothers. They're not twin brothers. Oh, OK. Certainly not identical twins. Yeah, and we were watching identical twins. No, the...

Yeah, and we were watching that yesterday and... We were. And my goodness me, Cathy Jenkins was at Wimbledon watching the tennis and... You came over a bit peculiar, Al. I just... I'm going to... I'll just do... There's something I have to do when I

think of Cathy Jenkins, which is... Uh-oh. I'm going to leave the room. Can we turn the webcam off? Oh, Cathy! Like that. I just have to do that. think of Kathy Jenkins, which is... Uh-oh. I'm going to leave the room. Can we turn the webcam off? Oh, Kathy! Like that. I just have to do that. She's a mate. What is going on there? She makes me go funny. Well, she does make you go a bit funny. In the tummy. She makes me feel all weird. I quite like her.

She does. There is something slightly kind of... Whoa! About her. What? Well, no, just a bit android about her. No! Really? No. Okay, you see... Android bit android about her. No. Really? No. Okay, you see... No, android's not necessarily a bad thing. Well, you were... Well, I know what you mean.

You were lechering over her. Yes. And I was lechering over David Beckham. Yes. Oh, my God. Even you must fancy him. Well, no, I have... You know, he's obviously really, really good looking.

It's like... I'm not afraid of saying that. No, he really is. He really is really good looking. It's like, I'm not afraid of saying that. No, he really is. He's incredibly, incredibly handsome. And why does he turn up to every significant historical event now? He's going to be holding, he's going to be on Budget Day. He'll be holding the red briefcase now. He's just allowed anywhere.

He can just walk into Parliament. He really wants to do. Sit in the Speaker's chair. Yeah. Why not? Well, I think he also tends to turn up at things where British sports people come unstuck. Oh, yeah. Oh, maybe he's a terrible curse.

It's the curse of Beckham. The curse of Beckham. Maybe he's some terrible zeitgeist Jonah. Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio, and it's a station. All aboard for the next train. Right, things you haven't got round to. And on 8-12.15 on the text

and also we're on Twitter for the modern amongst you which is at Frank on Absolute We've got some things you haven't got round to We have, we've had a text in Hi Al, it's Andy Murray here I haven't got round to winning Wimbledon Oh, no

My cousin Andy I don't believe that's really from Andy No, it's not, no, obviously cousin Andy. I don't believe that's really from Andy. No, it's not. No, obviously. We had another text in from Carl Parkin from Scunthorpe. Right. He sounds an honest type. I like him.

It does, yeah. Al, several years ago, I bought a pair of bedside cabinets from Ikea. Right. Upon getting them home, my motivation to get them put together was there, so I quickly put one together with success, but unfortunately the second one had a damaged section. Right. I ordered a new section.

A few weeks later, it arrived. But by then, the motivation had gone and I never touched it. Several more months later, I opened the parcel and realised they'd sent the wrong bit. I just thought, sod it and left it. And it never got completed. So hence, we only have one bedside cabinet. That's brilliant.

That is absolutely fantastic. I like him for that. No, it's good. It's kind of honest. Very honest. Yeah, you know, because the thing is, it's like fast food stuff at IKEA, isn't it? You've got to have it then and there.

So, you know, once you get it home, it's gone cold, I suppose. Well, exactly. It's going to look very dated as well. Yeah, it is going to. Well, that's not the first thing I would think. Well, it is all that 90s glass and words. Terrible. Dreadful.

That's it. Style tips for your bedside tables here on Absolute Radio. First thing in the morning. Yes, Gareth, you've got some more. Well, someone's texted in and said, does Emily need a new window cleaner? Oh, I do, funnily enough. Let's exchange deets.

That's cheaper, isn't it? Isn't that cheaper to just have dirty windows and curtains that's the way round your problem just have filthy windows and then they can't see you in your golem mode well

I'm not that golem a little bit maybe what else Gareth and Rob has said I've not got round to the pub this week oh no probably for the best

and what have you not got well i well i'm terrible i tend to not get around to things like shutting windows on rainy days i'll get around to that eventually and uh but there is a thing that's that preyed on me for years and years rather like your trumpet actually which was um i had an air rifle when i was a kid and um then sort of got out wasn't into it anymore and uh hadn't cleaned it after the last time I used it. And it began to really, I had several years where I'd think, gosh, it's a year since I cleaned an air rifle. I wonder what state it's in now.

And that must be 27 years ago that I last cleaned my air rifle. That's not a euphemism, by the way. 27 years. I was going to say, ow. And so somewhere at my parents' house, there's a dirty air rifle in a cupboard. I didn't know you had to clean them. You do, yeah.

You have to oil and clean them and make sure the barrel's clean and that sort of thing. And now it's starting to prey on me again. I love that Al's so posh, he knows about rifles and things. This posh thing again. No, well, the thing, no, no. I'm not posh. I'm not a posh sleeper agent. But Al, all you...

Oh, the sleeper agent. Sleeper agent is the thing. Now, this is fantastic, isn't it? This Russian spy ring. But what is a spy? Because isn't that a very 70s job? I mean, I didn't think there was any point to them anymore. The Cold War's over, love.

Didn't you hear? Well, yeah. And you can probably Google where, you know, look up the Pentagon on Google Maps. Yeah, just look at someone's Twitter. Yeah. You'll find out where they are. Yeah, just look at someone's Twitter. Yeah. You'll find out where they are. Well, yeah, because the thing is the president... Through my windows.

You know, the Russian president has a Twitter feed. Really? Yeah, you can follow him. But it's all kind of like Russia's doing really well today. We're having a great day here in Russia. Russia, Russia, strong economically. It's all that kind of thing. It's pretty, yeah.

Yeah, so the sleeper agents, that's the thing. It's pretty, yeah. Yeah, so the sleeper agents, that's the thing, is very odd and peculiar. I don't believe it, though. Shexy, though, Shexy. Shexy Russian super agent. There's that femme fatale one. Femme fatale, I'm the femme fatale.

But you know, when I looked at a picture of her, I thought, oh, I recognise her. I'm sure I know her. And then I realised she just looked like all of my friends because she's a bit untrustworthy and predatory. Fantastic. You see that? Well, you can judge someone by the friends they keep.

You've just told us something. No, I don't really mean that. I have lovely friends. But you know what I mean. Nice save. Al Murray, sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were annoying me a bit during that when the music was off. Can I be honest with you?

Because you do this thing, Al. I know it's very early on for our first row, but that's the way I roll. Sorry. Well, this is only our second date and we're having a fight already. Great. So basically you have this thing, Al, that what you do is while I'm talking to you, sometimes you're basically looking at your Twitter all the time. You're looking at your phone.

And you were doing it last night. We were out in a group, I should say, last night. Not just me now. In bed. Yesterday you were doing... Whoa! Where's my rattling teacup? Oh, no, look.

Peter Crouch can see us. No, but you were doing it yesterday. And it does really annoy me. And it's like when you're on the phone... Am I ranting a bit? You are. Okay. No, keep going, me. And it's like when you're on the phone. Am I ranting a bit? You are. Okay. No, keep going, though.

But it's like... Sometimes you need to hear the thing, you know, I find. Keep going. Do you feel like you're married to me now? But it's like when you're on the phone to someone. Here's half my money. Now go. No, go on.

Keep going. It's like when you're on the phone to someone. Yeah. And you say, yeah, and then this happens. And they're going, yeah, yeah, oh, terrible. And I test them sometimes. And I say something awful. I've got an inoperable brain tumor.

And they go, nightmare. I hate it. So you're saying I behave in a distracted manner. It's a very guy thing. You just get easily distracted by technology. It's computers or texting or Twitter. Daisy, our producer, does it sometimes. There's screens.

It's the screen in the pub, isn't it, when you just start drifting into watching whatever's on. And people are watching the football that's behind you, over your shoulder. That happened with the tennis yesterday. That did yesterday happen with the tennis. I was facing the wrong way. Andy Murray, Kathy Jenkins, what am I supposed to do? And you were tweeting. You went into meltdown. I did. I did. shoulder that happened with the tennis yesterday yesterday i was andy murray kathy jenkins what

am i supposed to do and you were tweeting you went into meltdown i did i did but i am in a way i am like a multimedia platform me oh are you yeah i am yeah i can like i'm i'm online man all the time it makes me yeah but who wants to go out with tron i'm sorry well look i'm attracted to androids that's true it It's perfect. Maybe I, yeah, maybe I'm a Soviet sleeper agent, though. Maybe that's what I am. I am, this spy thing is awesome. You're obsessed by it.

Well, yeah, because what were they spying on anyway? Nothing. It's not like they were spying. It's not like they were infiltrating some, like, weapons thing or, what was it? They were, like, just sort of working in New York. Well, I thought that curtain thing had all come down or up or whatever. I didn't think... I mean, you know about history, Al.

Don't we like them now? Aren't they our friends now? Yes, we're friends with the Russians now, yeah. That's how I work at history. Are we friends or not? Well, that's as good a way as any, isn't it? Yeah. It used to be, though.

This is the thing about Russia. It used to be a place where they queued for potatoes, didn't it? Yeah. And now they buy our football clubs. So what on earth? And they're still spying on us. What do they want?

What do these people want? What do the Russians want? 8-12-15. That'd be a great subject to text in. Yeah. I mean, if you were a spy, Virgin, if you were, whoops, if you were an absolute radio listener, if you were a spy, what would you spy on?

Tell us that. That's a good thing on 8.12.15, because there doesn't seem to be anything to spy on anymore. We don't understand. We're at a loss to understand. Kim Jong-il, maybe. Oh, he'd be worth spying on. He'd be worth spying on, wouldn't he?

Yeah. Yeah. He's lonely, though. He's incredibly lonely. This is Absolute Radio. That's right. Just put it up there. radio hey oh god blimey so uh well we're i'm still i'm still spied out i mean uh i know it's too and she's a glamorous

redhead uh russian spy lady that you know that's a good that's a good summer news story would you go there al what to glamorous redhead spy land? Yeah, absolutely. There's been lots in the papers about hapless Englishmen who have been seduced by her. Yeah. She got married to someone in Bournemouth. Really? Alex Chapman. Alex Chapman was from Bournemouth. I hate it when you call it Beaumont. Don't encourage him. He's trying to

make it all cool, like it's Harlem or something. No, Beaumont makes you sound like a fraternity. And he said that he was not surprised she was a spy, because she was always meeting up with shadowy Russians. But all right, so you're married to this woman, and you think she might be a spy because she's meeting shadowy Russians. You don't ten years later go to a newspaper.

You call MI6, don't you, and say, I have a suspicion that the woman I've married is in fact... Oh, I love it when you talk like that. I know, that's why I'm doing it. I have a suspicion that the woman I've married is... Oh, I love it when you talk like that. I know, that's why I'm doing it. I have the suspicion that the woman I've married might well be a Soviet Asian. Turns out she was a spy. Oh, yeah. I wondered why she was so turned on by blueprints. And good at Morse code.

She'd be up all night on her radio set to Moscow. I never thought she'd be on it at the time. Also, I love the idea. I mean, is it a crime meeting, shadowy Russians? God, anyone would think it was a bad thing to do. Well, it's up there with IKEA furniture. Bad glass and wood interior design, yes. It also said she was good friends with,

and this is, you know, we don't know if this is true, but with Sir Philip Green, who's in charge of Topshop. So Topshop is like some sort of Soviet plot. They've infiltrated it. Top of Western capitalism. That's found by selling crop tops to 12-year-olds. Oh, my God.

They're trying to undermine our confidence by making everyone in Britain feel like they're too old to wear those clothes. It's certainly working on me every time I go in there. God, really? Yeah, I go in and I think, I can't wear that T-shirt. Yeah, but with respect, Gareth,

you shouldn't really be in there. To be honest, it's a bit creepy that you're going in there. No, but he can go in there if he's wearing dark glasses. Oh, yeah, because Al, listeners, apparently has a great strategy if he's leching in the street for the summer, he puts on glasses. I wear dark glasses, yeah.

Which is great, Al, but just so you know, tip for the top, when you're inside a club like we were yesterday, and I say, I'm going to the loo, don't suddenly put them on. He's doing it now. For those of you watching on the webcam. Do you really do that? Is that so you can have a little look?

No, no, I can't get them off now. They're stuck on the webcam. Do you really do that? Is that so you can have a little look? No, no, no. I can't get them off now. They're stuck on my headphones. No, no, no. Yes, no. No, yes. Yeah, I don't want to, you know, I can't reveal the secret mysteries

of my amazing powers of ogling. That was you, Ogle. Spying, exactly, spying. That's how they could tell they were Russian spies because they were all wearing dark glasses in the summer. Well, the thing is with, I think with men are hardwired

to seek out attractiveness. Really? Do you do it? You can't help look, but I think you should, I think it's looking once is okay. It's the double take.

It's looking again. Oh, I love a double take. I live on a double take. They don't happen that often these days. But when they do, I'm just fishing. Yeah, really.

Yeah, plonk, in goes the bait with the float. Bobble, bobble, bobble, bobble. Fish swims past. Nah. That's what happened then. Yeah. Don't look again. Don't look again.

Don't keep looking. Don't follow. That's the rules. Yeah, but... Oh, no, always follow. Just in case anyone's listening absolutely get on same get on same bus get on same tube carriage yeah yeah um or same cab same cab but of course you yes of course public transport i have absolutely no a cab's public and it's

transport oh no here we go we're gonna have that argument keeping frank skinner's seat nice and warm this is l mur Murray on Absolute Radio. Things you haven't got round to, that's what we were asking earlier, 8, 12, 15. I haven't got round

to getting curtains. Right. But that's another story. I haven't cleaned my air rifle. Yeah. You're so posh. And Gareth,

what was yours again? Learning to play the trumpet. Oh yeah, I thought it was something normal like that. We've had a variety of uncompleted

flat pack things, so please let us know what you haven't got round to. One thing I haven't got round to yet, and this is a little radio for you, is I forgot to tee up the fact that later on we'll be talking to Dan Antopolski. Did you see the way I did that? That was as slick as it gets. I'm the breakfast Ben Jones.

I'm semi-skinned Ben Jones, freshly squeezed Ben Jones. He came in earlier, Dan Antopolski. Yeah, he did, because he was early. Yeah, we weren't expecting him. I hadn't done my hair or anything. Suddenly he appeared. He's quite handsome. Someone said they've just got round to...

He is a striking fellow. What? Someone said they've just got round to looking at Emily on the podcast. I just like to say that I listen to the show often, but I've only just seen what Emily looks like, and would just like to say how hot she is. Cheers, Paul. Hey, Emily say, ha-ha, cheers. Whoa! Cheers, Paul.

Hey, Emily, you're so hot right now. Ah, you're so hot right now. Oh, I hope it's Vince Cable. That's my current crush. What? Why has everyone gone silent? What, is that because... What?

Oh, I like him. Okay. Al, who's my real historical pin-up? You know who that is. You love Henry VIII. Yeah, I do. Exactly. You fancy a bit of Henry's... So Vince Cable is not that bad when you compare it really. He's a bit more compassionate.

He's more compassionate but maybe less decisive. I don't know. A bit of politics there on Absolute Radio. Yeah, a bit of politics there on Absolute Radio. The big Ben Jones. What was I going to talk about? I had a thing and I've distracted myself. I know, distracted myself I've been told off on Twitter for being distracted by Twitter

I know what you were going to talk about because we were chatting about it earlier and you were saying it really annoys you when someone offers to do something for you and they're bad at it yeah that is a real completely naming no names but it's when someone comes round and says

let me do the roast potatoes and you think you're not doing the roast potatoes I am because it's the kind offer of help and the person offering the help is bad at said thing that

I can't bear it I'm a real control freak in the kitchen really and I try and keep it just to that area not just in the kitchen but that's another story oh no nice

oh dear no but like get some curtains that's all I. Oh, no. Nice. Oh, dear. No, but like... Get some curtains, that's all I'm saying. That poor Laura. Exhausted. In the kitchen, you're a control freak.

That's where I think you were before you were so... Yeah, I don't like people helping because they don't do it right. And also, what my mum does is if I'm cooking at my mum's house,

she tidies as you go. So, like, you'll turn around to pick up the knife you were just using and it's gone. Gone, disappeared. Oh, I can't bear that. Mums, eh? Mums! What's your problem, mum?

Get off my back, mum. I hate it when... I love you and everything, but knock it off, mum. I hate it when men always think they can do DIY because they're men. So they say, oh, or something like, your boiler's broken, and then they offer to come and fix it for you. Leave my boiler alone. I can't bear it.

I've had so many men offering to do that. Lots of men broken your boiler. Oh, Gareth, no, it's true, though. So the doorbell goes, I hear your boiler's on a blink. Do you want to help with the boiler? But then you have to call someone out to undo all the damage that they've done. I mean, these are the endless, woeful distractions of Emily's life that we're being dragged through this morning.

It's all good stuff. And to cheer us up now, I think we should listen to the Smiths. That would help, wouldn't it? Yeah. Yeah, because, Gareth, last time I was in here, the last time Absolute Radio made the booty call and got me in for one morning stand, you

listened to the Smiths for the first time ever. Yeah, I've been listening to more Smiths and I can't handle too much of it. Right, well, let's have some more then. Absolute Radio. You're listening to Absolute Radio and whoever that man is, please return my wallet. Things you haven't got round to, 8, 12, 15, we want to know what you, what you, the Absolute Radio listener And whoever that man is, please return my wallet. Now, things you haven't got round to, 8, 12, 15. We want to know what you, the Absolute Radio listener,

haven't got round to this morning. That's what we want to know. Did you give the text number out? It's 8, 12, 15. Good boy. Are you happy with that now? Good boy. No gaps.

Being told off, first thing. It's hardcore. Get used to it. You know, I remember that we haven't got round to my house. being told off first thing. It's hardcore. Getting used to it. You know, I remember that we haven't got around to my house. We've lived in our bungalow in Bournemouth for over a year. Going upstairs. No, no, I want to hear about the bungalow.

We haven't put any pictures up yet. What? Well, we got picture frames from Ikea and we haven't put any pictures in them. We've got a pile of empty picture frames. Have you got the frames up? No, the walls aren't up. Empty photo frames and empty walls.

That's really melancholy. It's by the sea, the sound of the tide ebbing and flowing as the empty picture frames stare out. What's in the frame then? Is it just plain? Yeah, it's just the empty Ikea they don't put like a fake family in there for you but that would be i love a fake family i like fake families i think in the frame they're always better looking than your own family and they look like nicer people happier yeah give me that fake family

there's always a nice blonde mom yeah And there's always a lovely dog. There's also that thing as well with those fake families where if they've got 12-year-old kids, it means they got started when they were 14. It's the parents who are unfeasibly young given how old the kids are. That's true. In holiday things, the dad always looks far too buff to be a dad.

Dads aren't buff. Buff dad doesn't exist. There's no such thing as buff dad. No, my dad looks like Lester Pigger and that's what a dad should look like as far as I'm concerned.

It's true though, isn't it? It is true. I don't know if it's true that your dad looks like Lester Pigger, but yeah, buff dads don't exist. No.

You're a dad though, Al and so is Gareth. You're both looking pretty good from where I'm sitting. Was that creepy? Oh, dear. I have no real way of reacting to that.

This is Al Murray on Absolute Radio. Blur, there's no other way. I haven't heard that in ages, and I love every second of it. There's a thing about playing records and talking to my friend that turns you into DJ Twonk I think that's what it does to me I'd immediately become

DJ Twonk man great to hear really fantastic stuff from back in the day in 91 or whatever it is anyway I got quite distracted

we all did yeah there has been an element we were talking about distraction earlier loads to come by the way we're going to be talking Dan Antopolski

he's one of my favourite comedians I've known for many many years and he's a very funny man we to be talking to Dan Antopolski. He's one of my favourite comedians I've known for many, many years. And he's a very funny man. We'll be talking to him soon. See what I mean? Microphones, records, DJ Twonk. Anyway, we were distracted, weren't we? I'm still distracted. Because Gareth, young Gareth

here, has just been showing us pictures of his brother. Oh. My. God. Oh, for goodness sake. Gareth said... He is... Gareth said, my brother's really good looking, right? Oh my God. Oh, for goodness sake. He's never done it. He is. Gareth said, my brother's really good looking, right? In a matter of fact way.

In a matter of fact way. And then he's shown his pictures and it's caused some kind of... He's fit as a butcher's dog. I've never seen anything like it. He's extraordinary. Oh my God. What I don't understand, Emily, is why you're surprised. Oh, my God. What I don't understand, Emily, dear, is why you're surprised. Oh, Gareth.

She has a gym pool with me. Gareth, you're very good looking as well. It's too late, really. The horse has bolted. Given all the squealing and swooning. I'm in shock. Oh, no, Gareth, that sounds terrible. I'm not saying I'm in shock.

It sounds terrible because it is terrible. He said, I can't believe anyone related to you looks like, wow, look at this guy. Woo! And he's like, dear listener, what was happening is we were going through Gareth's brother's Facebook page. You're going for a picture. That must sound like stalkers. That does sound weird.

We were doing that, I admit. We're like stalkers. We're like stalkers, but he's related to the person you're stalking. Facebook is spying. My mum is like an agent, the way she uses Facebook. Really? Facebook is like surveillance. Can I get in with your mum?

She can set me up with him. Yeah, maybe. Anyway, so he is. Did you think he was good-looking? He was good-looking, yeah. Oh, my he is. Did you think he was good looking? He's good looking, yeah. Oh, my God. If I was you. I'm not saying, you know, I'm going to demand his number off Carith.

Look at that, Al. I mean, when I was, honestly, if I'd have been growing up with him, how did you get anything done? I just sort of stared at him all day. With all due respect to your brother, who I'm sure is a lovely lad, he knows he's good looking as well. So all the pictures on Facebook become like, hey, you know what? I'm pretty hot in this one.

He's a photographer, so he does beautiful, arty pictures. He's a filmmaker and photographer. I'm just sat in a Fieldman, and there's these two donkeys, and it's really like a earthly place to be, like sat in a Fieldman. I'm squatting. I like squatting in a Fieldman. He's a very complex artist.

Yeah, and I was looking out the window for this one and drinking a coffee. Really great stuff. Now, here's the thing. I've never heard a Kid Rock record in my life. Well, last time we came in, Gareth, of course, hadn't listened to Smiths, and we made him listen to Smiths, and now there's too much Smiths in his life. Has anyone here

ever heard a Kid Rock record? He did that Sweet Home Alabama one, didn't he? Yeah, but that's not a Kid Rock record, is it? you come to mention it. He did that Sweet Home Alabama one, didn't he? Yeah, but that's not a Kid Rock record, is it? No, that's Lynyrd Skynyrd. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Yeah. Lynyrd Skynyrd.

I always thought they should have come for the West Country. Yeah. Oh, this is the one. This is the one. Oh, right. OK, all summer long by Kid Rock. Let's play it. I am DJ Twonk on Absolute Radio.

This is the, this is their, this is your, your... Absolute Radio. Now, we're joined, we are joined, we're lucky to be joined right now by... I'm a very busy man. He's a very busy man. He's got all sorts of stuff to do on a Saturday morning. It's Dan Antopolski. Welcome, Dan. Thank you. Now, with a name like that to do on a Saturday morning. It's Dan Antopolsky. Welcome, Dan. Thank you.

Now, with a name like that, are you a Soviet sleeper agent? I am indeed, yeah. I'm quite a sleeper agent this morning, but wait for my cup of tea. Now, you're going to Edinburgh. I am going to Edinburgh. And so are you, while we're outing each other. Yeah, I know, I am. I'm going back, yeah, finally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've been once or twice before? I seem to recall.

I did ten, I think. Did you do ten? This is my tenth, actually. Is it? Yeah. I had a few years off making the humans. You've been making humans? I've been making humans, with help, yeah.

In a lab? Yeah, in a lab. Sort of a lab. God's peripatetic biped lab. AKA, the lovely wife. So that's new for me, Kid Rock. I assumed it would be more... Have you not heard Kid Rock before?

I haven't heard Kid Rock, and I sort of assumed from the rock part of his name that it would be a bit more rock. It wasn't very rock. It wasn't that rock, no. Or kid. I know his video works slightly, but anyway. Any video in particular? I'm sure there are lots of scantily clad lovelies,

like in the Dizzy Rascal videos. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. There's another artist I've yet to really make a proper assault on the canon of. You're 18th century, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. You say that, but Dan is an accomplished rapper.

Is he? I've accomplished a rap. Yeah. That's right. Not killed yet by any record executives. but Dan is an accomplished rapper. Is he? I've accomplished a rap. Yeah. That's right. Not killed yet by any record executives. Yeah, the sandwich rap. Yeah.

I made a... Yeah, I wrote a rap about sandwiches and we made a video and it's on YouTube and it's had some hits and that's very pleasing to me. It's very funny. Thank you, Al. You're welcome. Yeah.

I'm proud of it, yeah. We had fun making it. Yeah, it's really funny, actually. Thanks, man. In fact, I watched it. I got that thing comics get when I watched a really funny thing another comic did, which was like, damn you to hell! Pleasure and resentment, yeah. High praise indeed, very nice.

Well, no, that is a thing comics suffer from, isn't it? Sure, absolutely, yeah, yeah. Yeah, one's always ambivalent, yeah. And it's sort of, there comes a point in your career where you're sort of at peace with this that you have a love-hate relationship with everyone else's success

even your closest friend in comedy and there it is it just sort of sits there you see it in everyone else's eyes it's fine so when you watch

any film like just say you watch Zoolander or The Hangover or something and someone says something funny do you feel jealous rather than laughing

those guys are sort of out of my universe anyway movies is different do you suffer from this, Gareth? Yeah, definitely. What's wrong with you people? I was noticing the other day that I think comedians,

often comedians say, oh, I really like that bit, and that will be very similar to their style of comedy. So that's when you get a compliment. That's very true. It's interesting. Yeah, if you ask a comedian, if you have a joke that you can't quite get to work or something, if you ask a certain comedian,

they will give you that comedian-type solution to that joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's amazing. Twitter's really interesting for that, how even in 140 characters you give yourself away in your full personality. Yeah. There's no getting away from it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is a weird thing. Because when I first started out, to fire myself up, I'd buy Time Out and read the listings and go, why is he playing that? Yeah, yeah is a weird thing. Because when I first started out, to fire myself up, I'd buy Time Out and read the listings and go, why is he playing that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And really used to make my blood boil with envy. Yeah. That was my main motivation.

Google has helped with that, hasn't it? That's made the world a wonderful place. Yeah, that's right. Right, well, we're talking to Dan Antopolski here on Absolute Radio. I'm DJ Twonk, sitting in for Al Murray, sitting in for Frank Tina. Right on, Twonky. Twonko. It's Twonko with some amazing practical jokes

after the, we've got some... Twonko is Twonky's Australian cousin. Al Murray, sitting in for Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. DJ Twonk here on Absolute Radio. Twonky, Twonky, Twonky. What's Dan's moniker? Are you the Australian cousin? Yeah, I'm Twonko. He's Twonk here on Absolute Radio. Twonky, Twonky, Twonky. What's Dan's moniker? Are you the Australian cousin?

Yeah, I'm Twonko. He's Twonko. That was cold. I'm trying to back-announce the record. It's just chaos. That was Coldplay there with their jaundice-related hit, Yellow. He can sing anything, Chris Martin. It's amazing.

Dan, how are you? We haven't done that. I'm very well, that's very nice of you to ask. Yes, very's amazing. Dan, how are you? We haven't done that. I'm very well. That's very nice of you to ask. Yes, very well indeed. Yeah, a bit stressed out, as is normal for this stage of Edinburgh Festival preparations. Doing lots of previews. Me and Gareth are doing one together in the improbably named town of Tring. Tring.

Oh, yeah. Which exists. Tring's awesome. Tring's a great place. Yeah, yeah. I've never heard it described quite that way. No, Tring's awesome, man. It's like there's a subsection of the Natural History Museum in Tring

and it's full of beetles and flies and stuff. Wow, the entomology wing has been outsourced to Tring. Yeah, the entomology wing has been outsourced to Tring. Yeah, there you go. Fantastic. That's my intro track now. Is there a Tring comedy festival? There is. It's called The Tringe

I suggested that to the promoter and to my amazement he's created it You've got to watch what you say I'm a pretty influential guy So me and Gareth are playing The Tringe It's a Wednesday I can't remember Is there a website? Is that a Wednesday? Is there a website?

There must be a website. It's all good people in the... Let's not give out the address, though. Go ahead and guess, dear listener. Guess what the website might be. Listen for the quietest part of the town and head over there. See the staring faces. You're saying it's a stressful period, previews run up to Edinburgh.

I know this stuff because I've done it, but not everyone does. That's the whole point of radio is to communicate to people. Well, there's an arts festival in Edinburgh, which is the capital of Scotland, and it takes place like clockwork every August. Is that what it is, Dan? Because I just turned up to go to parties in Lig. It's great. Yeah, yeah. It is mainly that. But it's sort of ostensibly hung on a thin endoskeleton of shows. And so you write an hour of jokes and then you go and tell them.

And what's in your show this year? What does it consist of? I mean, an hour of jokes, obviously. An hour of jokes, yeah. I mean, like, I've got family now, so I'll be slagging them off. That is my new sort of mainstay. And also I've got a turbaned manservant who I'm going to bully. Oh, I like the sound of that.

That's the innovation for this year, yeah. That sounds... Wow, that's great. He's from the East. We don't go into it any more than that. So I'm not really culpable for anything more pointed. But, yeah, but anyway, that's my best friend Tom, so he's going to be in the show.

So that's very nice to have someone backstage. Oh, God, it's brilliant having someone in the show with you, isn't it? Yeah, not to be all broody. Not broody. Brooding. Not broody. Certainly not broody. No, the lad

comes and stops you feeling broody. He stops me feeling broody. Yeah, yeah, he does, yeah. Well, that's because that's a guy thing. That's a guy thing. Yeah, we're not broody,

are we? The level of testosterone in the room. You sort of bang chest together and stuff and go rah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, good.

Yeah, yeah. We go rah. We do great lion impressions well posh lions it's that standard of witchicism you can expect

I want my ticket now yeah right on well have you got a website I do have a website you're supposed to be promoting yeah yeah

I'm rubbish at that I meander onto other topics yes visit my website www.danantopolsky.com. Oh, I like it. It sounds a bit sleazy. Does it?

Do you think? Just the dot com makes you think of porn. Visit my website. Yeah. Is that what you said? Yeah. There's a live cam. At the moment, I'm just sitting in the studio in my shorts.

But you can see a bit of me. It's quite hairy. Around the... What's that? There's a Latin word. Anyway. It's the patella, isn't it? It's the patella.

I was going to say patella. I felt shy. I bottled it. Yeah, well, you know, we know the names for bits of the human body on this show. Oh, good. Don't we? Yeah, we know the names of bits of the body.

Let's come to our... Make that jingle. But that's how I... When I pitched to sit in for Frank, they said, well, do you know the names of bits of the human body? How's your anatomy? Exactly. Very well, thanks for know anything? How's your anatomy? Exactly.

Very well, thanks for asking. The listeners enjoy it. We say, look at my clavicle on the webcam. Ah! Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio, and it's a station. All aboard for the next train. Anyway, we're talking to Dan Antopolski.

Hello, the public. The public. Now, we've been talking about you going to Edinburgh. That's right, yeah. Now, it's customary at this point in the promotional routine. Spirit of things, yeah. For you to tell us what time the show is on. Yeah, sure.

At which venue? It's at the Pleasance Dome, and it's on at 8pm. And you can come if you want. We'll go to that, Al. Yeah, we'll definitely go to that. Oh, that's great. I'm assuming we'll be living together when we're in Edinburgh. I expect so.

She's moving fast. It's very impressive. Yeah, I'm on at lunchtime, so... In the same room. In the same room, yeah. Fantastic. I'll have my brilliant

schemes to your... I'll leave you little messages in post-it note form. I'll leave probably sausages and chicken. Beer all over the stage, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it'll be good.

Are there any prizes in your show? No, that your show has over mine. Yeah, I have no prizes to offer now. Because we have, you can win a frozen chicken. You've got an old chicken, I was going to say. Frozen chicken with giblets. I read about this.

Can I say the name of the segment? Yeah. Compete for the meat. That's the name of it, yeah. I was charmed by that. Yeah. And people can also win a pound. Fantastic.

Yeah, that's great fantastic I think you reached hopefully it won't be a hot August yeah well the thing is, like you we've been warming the show up and the chicken sits under a light and by the end of the evening it's pretty much thawed that's great

that's great how many Edmonds have you done now? this is my 7th solo hour but this is my tenth festival. I've done loads of other stuff as well. So, like you, getting pretty long on the tooth. Yeah. And you then take... Yeah, I have a sort of 40-date tour already booked,

and there's some more dates coming in. So that will be all over the country. So if you miss it in Edinburgh, although I don't know how you could stand to do that, but I'll be coming to places like Tring all over the autumn. Although not there miss it in Edinburgh, although I don't know how you could stand to do that, but I'll be coming to places like Tring all over the autumn. Although not there, because I'm doing my preview there.

You've been to Tring? I've been to Tring, yeah, yeah. So maybe next year in Tring. But yes, all over. Do you have a favourite? I mean, touring, the real problem for me with touring is finding decent sandwiches

on the motorway. Have you reached the point where you now know which service station has which sandwiches like me? Gareth, you must. Marks and Spencer. I was just about to say when you see that sign, it is a beacon. They've come to our rescue. At least some

grapes that haven't been through a human digestive system already. I liked how that you looked at me and then thought you've never been to a service station and then you looked away. Well, you haven't, have you? Well, the limo driver just pops out and gets you something you don't know you're learning so fast you don't you're not a point of sale participant in retail acquisition do they have service stations

at heliport oh be quiet yes they do actually oh there we go a surprisingly full if if prosaic response to that technical question uh so i mean mean, the thing with Edinburgh, though, is you do end up like a sort of nocturnal creature, don't you? Yeah. It's four weeks, isn't it? Well, that's the plan. I mean, I've got family, and they're not coming up this year. They're coming up for a bit in the middle.

Oh! Absolutely, yeah, yeah. And Topolsky's off the leash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be 18th century-tastic. No, no, it's just nice to have more... When you're a dad, more precious than rubies are lions, so I'm going to be having lots of-tastic. No, no, it's just nice to have, when you're a dad, more precious than rubies are lions, so I'm

going to be having lots of, all my lions. Lions. But yeah, yeah, so it'd be nice to just sort of live like a human being and, you know, late to bed, early to rise, makes a man grumpy and full of resentment. So,

late to bed and late to rise. That's great. That was my old recipe and I'm looking forward to getting a taste of that again. Brilliant. Well, check out Dan's website, danantopolsky.co.uk Dot com, actually.

Dot com, dot com, dot com, dot com. Oh, for God's sake. No, no. I've done it again. And it's been really nice to see you. Absolute pleasure, absolutely. Yeah, it's an absolute pleasure on Absolute Radio. Absolutely.

I'm DJ Twonko. Keeping Frank Skinner's seat nice and warm, this is Al Murray on Absolute Radio. I'm like alive with electric excitement because Ben Jones is in the next room. And my ambition is to be as good a DJ as Ben Jones one day. It'll never happen. It'll never happen. You can but dream. I can but dream because I am DJ Twonk. And anyway, we asked you what you've not got round to and these are your responses yeah so we had darren al i never got around to turning off my alarm last night so i'm listening to you whilst normally i would be sleeping great show though well thank you darren yeah that's very nice of you in a way thank you you didn't want to listen to us so sod you

oh there he goes i'm abusing the just hit the snooze button isn't he okay what else what else matt and gilford has said i haven't got around to leaving my wife oh matt oh okay yeah what else well i'm going to change the subject a bit here because that's what i do we've had a text in saying should i from I don't know what that name is, Gareth. I don't understand it. Keyno. I don't know what his name is. Oh, okay.

Keyno phone. It says, should I go to the school reunion? Why go? Why not? Hope you can help. God bless you, Gov. So Al, he wants your advice here. Should he go to the school reunion?

Well, there's a big part of me that says, no, never go back. But it depends. It depends what kind of shape Keno's in. Because it could be that if he's in really, if he's like a buff dad in tip-top shape, if he's in the kind of shape that Ben Jones is in right now, who's never looked better, let me say that right now. He's got buns of steel, Ben Jones.

He has buns of steel. He's the human six-pack. If, right, if, for instance, you look that good, then go, Keno. If you look as good as Ben. If you look as good then go Kino if you look as good as Ben if you look as good as Ben Jones then you go and everyone else

at the school thing will think wow look at that isn't that amazing but if you've not looked after yourself it depends when you peak isn't it

some people peak at school yeah because I went when did you peak I went to uni I'm still I'm yet to peak let me tell you that

right now oh yeah I went to everything to play for I went to a uni... Oh, I'm still... I'm yet to peak. Let me tell you that right now. Oh. Yeah, I went to a... Everything to play for, let's say. I went to a uni reunion a while ago. Yeah. And me and a friend went and we sat in the college bar

and what would happen is someone would come in the door and they'd look great and you'd think, wow, I must look pretty good still after 20 years. And then the next person would come through and they'd be like some sort of

short, balding orc and you'd think, oh no, I look like that. And it was an evening of fluctuating self-esteem. Oh, I know. I see. I don't like that. So go. Yeah, go. Kino, go. Go to the school reunion. You know what, Kino? Have loads of surgery and then go. That's what I say.

What, with the bandages on? And then you pull off your facing head. Dunno, guess who? You're listening to Absolute Radio and whoever that man is, please return my wallet. Now, Gareth is holding up an email. Now, when someone holds up something to read, it means they've really got to read it right now

and it's very important. It's like the abdication speech. It's like the abdication speech. I will make the following statement. Hi, Emily, Gareth and Al. The Philly girls just wanted to say hi since we are all together this weekend for a birthday. Should you tell Al what they are?

What is the Philly girls? Well, the Philly girls are a group of girls from Philadelphia. They're a sorority. What? Who used to listen to us when they get home from partying. Sorority girls, yeah. In their pyjamas. I'm going to form a fraternity right now.

Do your mug. Let me do Do your mug. Do your mug. Let me do my rattling mug. I used to listen in their pyjamas and pillow fight and stuff. Oh, really? What? Yeah. So what have they said?

We miss listening live so much. It has been a great reunion. But we just wanted to ask two questions. OK. One, how on the list of floor clearing songs was anything by Marky Smith not mentioned? Oh. Oh, no, we couldn't say that a friend was here oh we've got away with it because the dad's away and uncle bucks here i'm not uncle that's what i called you yesterday

can you wish um number two is can you wish samantha the girl that introduced us to your podcast a happy birthday she's turning 22 happy birthday Samantha no 22 year old gets my best wishes thank you I'm sorry I'm too young and attractive the Philly girls

well look what we're going to do for the Philly girls is we're going to form a frat house Gareth and I it's going to be called Alpha Gamma

after our initials and whenever the Philly girls are in London we'll throw an Alpha Gamma Toga party where do I fit into this? You're the sorority mistress here that's our liaison with Philly. Oh, OK.

You can't join our fraternity house because you're not a frat, are you? Yeah, it's only for the jocks. I could be a stripper. Are you a jock or a nerd? I'm a nerd. Jock or a nerd? I find it very hard to care about that. I can't imagine.

Is Gareth the jock or a nerd? Al makes me do his homework. Chinese burn, man! When you see an American film and they go on and on about that, it really leaves me quite cold. All that frat house, jock, nerds. No, we don't understand it. Oh, I don't know.

I know what you mean, but I have a soft spot for a jock. For a jock? Yeah. Why does that not surprise me? Well, I'll tell you what. I'm being waved at by Daisy, the producer, because either we've overshot or we've underrun, or I've got to keep waffling.

No, I think what that meant is don't say something rude. Keep talking, as a piece of paper says. No, it doesn't say that. You're listening to Absolute Radio. Next up, we have Ben Jones. It's a privilege to be warming up the microphone for the fabulous DJ. Al, can I just say, we've loved having you here, and I'm really going to miss you.

I've got a little tear in my eye. Well, you know, you've got to keep on wanting more, you know what I'm saying? Will you stay friends with us, or will you be showbiz friends and ignore me? We're showbiz friends well that entails no we're going to go for fabulous breakfast now and talk about show business

love it yeah because um uh thanks for having me dear listener filling in for Frank Skinner here on Absolute Radio

um is Frank back next week he's back the week after back the week after who have you got next week we've got Russell Cain Russell Cain oh Russell's fabulous

yeah is he nice he's a new client I haven't had him yet he's like a sort of giant whatain. Oh, Russell's fabulous. Is he nice? He's a new client. I haven't had him yet. He's like a sort of giant... What did you just say? Russell's fabulous. You've been listening, of course, to Divine Miss M,

which is what she calls herself on Twitter, which is an interesting thing. And Gareth, of course... I call myself Gareth Richards on Twitter. Yeah, which is his name. So people know who I am. Mine isn't the amazing Al Murray or anything like that

or I am hot Al Murray it's not like saying I am hot I'm just I'm just telling the truth God anyway thanks for listening I've been Al Murray

I will be for the rest of my life obviously but I've been Al Murray this morning do you know what you've been Al you've been awesome you're just saying that a big shout out to the Philly girls. See you soon.

Bye. Thanks for listening. This is Al Murray on Absolute Radio.