The Frank Skinner Show - Anglo-Saxophonist

Episode Date: February 19, 2022

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week, so Emily and Alun were joined by Pierre Novellie. The team discussed Big Jet TV, a spring onion bouquet and the eerily formal things we said as a child.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Good morning. This is the Frank Skinner Show on Absolute Radio. I have a bit of a... I'm going to go Frank-less task this morning because the producer loved that so much, she reacted. I have to tell you that His excellency our supreme beloved leader commander i know that's someone else um mr frank let's call him that's what basil brush calls him he can't be with us this morning i'm devastated i know you will be but you know we miss him and we will do our very best to keep you entertained without him. And, you know, we weep when they're gone, we smile when they return.

Bit of 19th century poet Emily Dickinson for you on Absolute Radio this morning. I'm not alone. Not in the studio, anyway. I'm joined this morning, as usual, by a Manchester correspondent, Mr Alan Cockrell. Cochran. In the midst of Cockrell. I see what youerel. Morning. Oh, why did he add that bit at the end, Frank, to that jingle?

It's so disrespectful. Morning, Cockerel. Morning. And in the studio, I'm not alone. I'm joined by the very fabulous stand-up pierre novelli hello did i say that right uh you gave it a bit of spice which i quite liked there was a bit of spin on that on that ball i like it i feel a bit like i'm addressing a sort of parisian fashion designer who won't allow carbs in his atelier.

Yes. Pierre Novelli. Someone who orders desserts to look at them and cast them aside. My favourite kind of person. Pierre is, I'm just going to say, I've seen something about you on Chortle. What does it say about you on Chortle, Al? I don't know.

I haven't looked at it for years, but I can't imagine it's all good well i've looked up i'll tell you what it says about pierre oh god slick and slightly off beat slick and slightly off beat oh what do you think it says about me short and slightly obnoxious what do you think would you describe yourself as slick and slightly offbeat? I think if I did, you'd have to shoot me, wouldn't you? I think you'd be legally obliged to execute someone who talks about themselves like that. Well, it's lovely to have you here.

I should say, I've got to do all the housekeeping. You can... I'm the lady, so I do all the housekeeping. We keep things old school here. You can text the show on 8 12 15, and please do. You can follow the show on Twitter and 15, and please do. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Pierre. Oh, I feel very glamorous.

Oh, I didn't do a jingle for Pierre. I've got one, Al. What about this? Very nice. Very nice. Hello. I'm Slick and Slightly Offbeat. Nice to meet you.

Upon meeting someone, first thing I'll say now. I love those. There's quite this sort of speed dating vibe to that. Oh, was there? Yeah, get across who you are. Hello, I'm Slick and Slightly Offbeat. This is my... Next.

And alone. This is my first meeting with Pia. So it did feel like a bit of a blind date. Yes. I think it's going well so far. I think so. Okay, good. So the big question I have to ask you boys is this.

I mean, obviously there was, you know, a lot of devastation and chaos yesterday, but amongst all this, there was one bright spot, for me anyway, which was Big Jet TV. Yes.

I've heard this being discussed, but I've not yet witnessed. I've seen some clips. I think anything that brings that level of enthusiasm to transport is going to go viral at some point. I think anything that brings that level of enthusiasm to transport is going to go viral at some point. Every dog will have its day.

I mean, we should explain. For anyone who didn't see Big Jet TV, and those people will be deleted from my contacts list, it was essentially a couple of plane spotters, wasn't it? Mm-hmm. Who stream landings live on twitter and it turned out to be the most gripping thing they were there were planes queuing up to land in these winds and obviously you know there is a slightly voyeuristic slightly worrying element to it yes sort of will

they won't they Would you both agree? Yes, when you see a plane... Yeah, there's jeopardy. Yeah, when you see a plane give up on landing and you get to imagine all the passengers, the groan, the collective groan. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

There was an element of that. But the host, Jerry, I mean, he is something else. And at one point yesterday, I was so excited, I was actually on the phone to Buzz Frank's son and I said Buzz turn on the TV I mean it was like Kennedy or something that was my Kennedy you said no not that TV Big Jet TV yes and he said what do you mean why are you making me watch I said Buzz type in Big Jet TV you won't be disappointed we were gripped we were on the phone together for half an hour watching it.

Jerry is great because Jerry has a very definite presenting style. And he uses a lot of aviation lingo. He likes to know, he likes to sort of demonstrate that he knows his onions. And at one point, I think this might have been one of my favourite moments on Big Jet TV, Jerry said, well, he'll say things like this, he'll say here she comes the big lady of the skies the A380 bit of a stubby undercarriage there

I mean how dare you What's that noise? Sorry that was me watching Big Jet TV I actually What's that noise? Sorry, that was me watching Big Jet TV. I actually thought I would turn it off before we started again. Sorry.

No, do you know, I thoroughly approve. I love what a die-hard fan you are. You can't even avoid watching it during working hours. Well, when you mentioned it in the last link, I thought I'd heard about it on the radio, but I haven't looked at it. And it seems that my YouTube algorithm, there's no level of boringness that it won't consider appropriate to show me.

So I'm actually surprised that I haven't heard of Big Jet TV because these people, I think a lot of people would scoff at them, wouldn't they? Because they're sort of plane spotters and whatever. So they're scoffed at are the sort of people that YouTube shows me. But yeah, that was good. I enjoyed it. Can I tell you another?

I mean, Jerry's catchphrases... Yeah. One of my favourite Jerry-isms, he says this a lot. He'll say, as the plane's coming into land, he'll say, nice little waggle of the elevators there. Oh, yeah. Sometimes he'll say elevator paddles, and that's a special one for me.

I'll tell you what he said about one landing. He said, almost flirtatious, that landing, you could say. He's like a wine taster. That's a very sophisticated type of flirting, isn't it? Almost flirtatious landing of the plane. I don't think I'd pick up on that if I was the person being flirted with.

Or a passenger. Well, I tell you, he uses the same emphasis as a sports commentator. Yes. Like commentating on maybe a gymnastics display. He'll talk about textbook landings and he's very into feminising the planes. Yes.

Putting her down gently. They're called She, aren't they? Yeah, is that a sort of naval thing originally? Yeah. But we're always a She. I think it's a Jerry thing. Ah. Okay.

I do love his... I like his naturalism. I promise I am going to stop talking about Big Jet TV at some point in a few months' time. Don't make any promises you might not be. But you know what I love most about Gerry is he signs off in a very unconventional way. Because you know normally with broadcasts, and you know Gerry will say, thanks so much everyone for tuning in. It's been quite a busy day on Big Jet TV.

I will see you again on Sunday. He's taking the day off today. A bit of a strange decision from a commercial point of view. But, you know, who am I to question Gerry's decisions? So thank you, everyone. It's been a wonderful day. Thanks from all of us at Big Jet TV. Now, normally at this point, you'd expect the broadcast to stop,

but Gerry doesn't bother turning the cameras off. So you then see him rooting around for his coach, saying, oh, God, I've got a pounding headache. Starving. Have you got my mobile? I mean, can you imagine if a chat show host did that? Graham Norton did that. I mean, I suppose imagine if a chat show host did that? Graham Norton did that. I suppose pounding headaches are a hazard if you spend all day in a flight path.

I was going to say, it's a bit rich to spend the day underneath landing jets and be surprised. You've got a headache. I don't know what it is. Since I've been doing this job, I'm really struggling with headaches for some reason. But can you imagine if they did that on the news? I would love it.

I love a chaotic ending. Why do you think I work on this show? I love chaos. If a news presenter just said, well, it's good night from all of us here in the studio. Has someone got my phone? Has anyone got Nurofen? I've got such a headache.

Just started eating a pack of Revels. I like the old days when they shuffled papers. Yes. Those have gone, haven't they? Darling, we all love the old days. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio, by the way. I'm really sorry that Frank Skinner isn't here today,

but I am here with the very wonderful Piano Velli and Alan Cochran. Do you want your jingles again boys? You got this? In the midst of a war. You're getting it anyway. I see what you think. And then we have

a bit of French, a bit of Italian, all your brasserie needs covered, Pianovelli. Do you feel more French or more Italian? That question to Pianovelli. Well, I've got no direct connection with either apart from the name. Oh, God, I've made a terrible error. I'm so sorry. But I had to learn French at school, so I suppose that's already, you know.

Yeah. That's a pretty strong start. Yeah, pick French then. We should establish you have a lovely, I find it rather touching, a sort of bromance with Frank. Yes. You two spend a lot of time in Anglo-Saxon ruins together. Am I right in thinking that?

Yes. That's how we met. No, it's not. Talk me through those experiences. Well, I was Frank's tour support, and so we made sure, as a couple of Anglo-Saxophonists... That's not a thing. Oh, please don't tell me you've got a band. If you two have a band called the Anglo Saxophonists, I'm walking.

Jazz, sort of jazz bead covers. Yeah, absolutely. So do you like the Venerable Bead as well? Frank and I went to Bead World. I don't think it was open. Was it open or we just went around the museum a bit? I might be getting Bead World mixed up with a museum about bead. There's a lot of

bead. We'll be hearing from Frank if you've got your beads wrong. Let me tell you. Can I ask you, now he's not here no one of his friends is not here, you can say what you like really. What is it that he loves about cathedrals? Cathedrals?

I mean, what's not to love about cathedrals? I was trying to see why you get along so well. Castles of the sky. I'm still going to... Go on, Al. I'm a secular atheist and I like them. Oh, do you? I can totally see why somebody that's into that stuff

would be really into it. Even more so, yeah. Oh, yeah. They're definitely one on the architecture, historically. Would you be in a band called the... A jazz band called the Anglo-Saxophonists? 8, 12, 15. Can I talk to you both about...

Yeah. Thank you. In fact, it's a contractual obligation, I would suggest. 15. Can I talk to you both about... Yeah. Thank you. In fact, it's a contractual obligation, I would suggest. Okay, there's a specific, there's a challenging incident I had, Al, at the vet. I had an appointment at the vet. I was getting my injections. I should say

I'm a dog owner, Pierre. Are you a vexer? Not at the moment, but I grew up was not raised by, but grew up around dogs. Not wrong, was not raised by. It sounded a bit like I was saying I grew up in a pack. Well, Alan, if you got a dog, what dog would you get? Ooh, my partner likes small wheezing dogs, and I'm not a fan. I want a proper dog that will survive the winter.

Okay, I don't think you'd like my dog then. Alan has, it's a whippet yours, isn't it, Al? She is. She is, okay. So I have a petite imperial shih tzu called Raymond. Get a cream for that, sorry. Yes, my condolences, yes. Why did I know

you were going to say that? I mean, I knew you were going to say that, Al, but I expected better from a member of the Anglo-Saxophonists. Yeah. I took him in for his jabs this week. My dog is a bit of a headline act at the vets. You know the type. He's a very look-at-me dog.

You've seen him, Al, haven't you? Oh, yeah. I mean, would you agree? He knows how to work a crowd. He's a very look-at-me dog. You've seen him, Al, haven't you? Oh, yeah. I mean, would you agree? He knows how to work a crowd. He's a real head-turner. No, I mean it. Do you know? That might be the nicest compliment

you've ever given me. And it was about my dog. Thank you. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I was telling you about the vet. Yes. Wasn't I? One of my fascinating you about the vet, wasn't I? One of my fascinating stories about the vet. So I took my imperial shih tzu, Raymond, for his jabs.

And he's very popular there. And we were the only clients, customers, in the vets. Oh, patients. I don't have the plural i mean i wasn't planning on having any procedures done so the receptionists and the various veterinary assistants there you know they did their customary oohing and aahing i'm quite used to it but i like it because i get all the praise i don't have to do any of the work it's great it's like walking down the street with frank um except i don't you know obviously have to take care of his toilet habits but as we're sitting there and i'm feeling a bit drunk on praise a lady walked in another receptionist and you know

what she said never mind i'm the only customer in there yeah and raymond is the only animal in there. Yeah. And Raymond is the only animal in there. She said very loudly, Oh, what's that stink in here? In a vets. Yeah. This is like the jet headaches all over again. These people don't seem to know where they work. And I thought, I don't like that. No.

Because I think you are slightly narrowing down the list of suspects. If you're addressing your colleagues, you're assuming it's not them, and you're saying it loudly in front of me. I mean, do you think that was aimed at me, Al? Well, it depends, really, because I'd like to give the member of staff the benefit of the doubt and i think there could be somebody like i know there could be somebody in the wings who eats mackerel for lunch every day and and they're they're trying to make a sort of a passive aggressive point like

you shouldn't be in that at work because it stinks the whole veterinarian place out. Okay. I don't even know what it's called. I mean, that's obviously a rational way of dealing with it. That's not my style, Pierre. Okay. So I felt it was being strongly implied that I was responsible for the smell. You personally? Yes. Not even the dog? Not my dog.

That is brutal. I took it very personally. And I just feel, you know, okay, let's roll. Yeah. Let's roll. Let's do this. Did you say something like, it's my library scent? Because you use a scent library, don't you now?

No. Do you know what I said? I said, I'm sorry, does something smell? Oh, that's good. That's bold. That's bold, isn't it? I went in strong. I went in hard.

Yeah. And in that moment, did they realise that you were the only customer in the room? bold, isn't it? I went in strong. I went in hard. Yeah, and in that moment, did they realise that you were the only customer in the room? Well, you know what? I think if you start off with a bit of passive aggression, the beauty of that, you can always build. Yeah. You can always build on that.

Whereas if you punched her in the face immediately, you'd have nowhere to go. Does this story end with you scratching her eyes out? Is that what happened? She wasn't phased. I'll give what happened? She wasn't phased. I'll give her that. She wasn't backing down. She said, yeah, something really stinks in here.

And then she said, I tell you what it smells like, old mothballs. Old mothballs? None taken. I mean, I've had some nicknames in my time. It's one of my online names. Now, you're probably getting a bit of a picture of me, Pierre. Yeah. Do you think I left that?

No, I think you launched Raymond Atta, like a grenade. What do you think happened, Al? I dread to think. You'll find out in a minute. What do you think happened, Al? I dread to think. You'll find out in a minute. I was telling you about my experience at the vets. You were in the middle of some beef, weren't you? It was some rap-style beef starting. With my imperial shih tzu, Raymond.

So, yeah yeah the woman had the vets had essentially called me old mothballs yes which is

much worse than fresh mothballs it's a different accusation I don't know I quite like the vintage vibe

but she called me old mothballs she'd said there'd been a smell she then said it smelled like mothballs which I felt was clearly indicating

it wasn't the dog that she was referring to. I did happen to have a fun fur coat on. It's a blush colour, actually. Oh. And, oh, what, is there, you've got a problem with blush on fur? No, I was just, oh, I was changing the picture in my head.

Oh, were you imagining me in biker leathers? It wasn't a blush colour, so I just coloured it in in my mind's eye, as it were. OK, well, that's what I was wearing. And I thought, is she suggesting my coat smells of old mothballs? That's where I went. Yes. Do you think Ray was thinking the same thing? No, do you know what? I think Ray was thinking the same thing? No, do you know what?

I think Ray was blissfully ignorant of all of these shenanigans. Because unlike me, he has a very pure heart. Right. So I said, when she said it was old mothballs, I said, I gave her an out. I gave her an out. I gave her an out. I said, you know what? It's probably my dog.

He needs a bath. Okay. Noble. The olive branch proffered. I'd be scared to say that in a vet in case they say, oh, that's just extra service that we offer. That'll be 35 more quid. Plus VAT, probably.

Yeah. Alan doesn't like spending the pennies. Right. I meant plus VAT. They've got VAT at probably. Yeah. Alan doesn't like spending the pennies. Right. I meant plus VAT. They've got VAT at my vets. Very good. And so I gave her an out there. I said, it's probably my dog.

He needs a bath. Would you have grasped hold of that? I think you would have. And do you know what she said? Do you know what she said? Do you know what she said? She said, no, it's you. I think you stink better than me. Point right at your face.

Do you know what she said? What? I'll ask you again. Do you know what she said? No. She said, I don't think it's the dog. No. She did.

She did. Did she get any more specific? Did she say any more specific? Did she say, like, it's your breath, it's your armpits, it's your insoles, do you think it's your shoes? I just thought it was odd to flout the social contract like that. Did a bunch of old mothballs tumble from her pockets? Well, she could have said, of course it's not you,

don't be silly, but she didn't anyway. In the end end I decided I'm just going to deal with this face on so I came out of our appointment Raymond had his jabs and as I emerged

I thought let's save this through the restorative medium of comedy that can you know we can have harmony

restored like at the end of a Shakespeare play and I looked over at her and I thought I'll make a little gentle joke We can have harmony restored, like at the end of a Shakespeare play. And I looked over at her and I thought, I'll make a little gentle joke at her expense. And I said to Raymond, I turned around to him, Pierre, you're looking alarmed at that. I said, all right, we're all done now. And I turned to Raymond, I said, come on, old mothballs.

OK. And she was very decent about it. She at me i think she got it i think she finally got it okay she laughed the other receptionist laughed i laughed even raymond a little smile played on his mouth and she said well she said i promise you don't smell that bad i like that god well that's not that's that's not her being good about anything, is it? Oh, my Lord. Oh, do you think not? Is this a fur thing? Does she think your fur was like a real...

I don't have fur. Oh, you mean my coat? Yeah. Oh, okay. I don't know. No, I don't think it was. I was thinking she'd actually been very nice. Okay, well, now you've said that, Pierre,

I'm going to go back there. Yeah. We'll all go. The vigilantes. Kick the door in. Do you know, I didn't know Pierre was like this. I'm really warming to you. Is that right? This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This is Absolute Radio. Our lovely Frank Skinner cannot be here with us this morning, but we have Pierre Novelli. I think I say that in a slightly self-conscious, oh, the French exchange is coming over way. What do you think? Maybe.

Everyone's very afraid of the name. Oh. And, you know, I'm a stand-up, and Compares MC'm a stand-up and and compares mcs will double check so can you say it confidently for me pierre novelli pierre novelli he should be able to say i enjoy the accordion music it feels like it would lend an air of luchness to sort of you know retiling a bathroom or anything like that. You could do with that music playing and feel a bit like...

What do you think, what do you imagine doing to this music? Being shot against a wall. Being blindfolded. Yes, that's true. That's one of Frank's favourites. It's very good. I do enjoy it. We have a lot to get through this morning,

but there's something... Oh, I didn't mention, we also have, of course, the fabulous Alan Cockrell-Cochran. I was going to play your... I'm going to call you a Yorkshire-based in the midst of Cockrell. That's fine. It makes me hungry because of that Hovis music.

Is it Hovis? What about this for both of you? I hate to play schoolteacher, but is it not the top of the hour? Should we not be doing all that stuff? Do you know, you love to play school teacher and I like that about you. You can text the show on 81215,

you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or you can email the show, email the show via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk I will ask you this at regular intervals, Pierre. Yes. When you and Frank go around the ruins. Yes, so to speak.

Do you make VIP requests? Do you get special treatment? Well, we were lucky enough to have a very competent tour manager who would call ahead and say, you know, the Anglo-Saxonists are in town, they're coming. Special arrangements have to be made, taken into account. And I will say, I mean, I studied the Anglo-Saxons at university and I've seen...

Oh, do you know, I'm just saying, I find that quite alluring. Everyone's got their different things. It's the first time for everything. I will say, I met up with one of my old lecturers, and I said to her, oh, you know, Frank and I, we got into Essex Cathedral, and we saw all the sort of manuscripts, and I've touched the Galloway Hoard.

Shout out to the Galloway Hoard. And it's very hard to give people who didn't study it an idea of what we're talking about but just to say that my lecturer was furious that I had done these things and she had not. I touched the Galloway Horde though would be a great follow-up to

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It. I love that. It's the lesser known follow-up. But you see it's interesting for the tour manager because obviously, I mean he doesn't get that presumably he's worked with the likes of white snake yes he'd done some quite rock and roll stuff i think it was this was the first time he'd been asked was it a first uh i think it was it might have been his first comedy tour but it was definitely the first time he'd been asked to ring an anglo-saxon ossuary. Yeah. To see if we could look at the bones.

Oh, I love this. What's been happening other than Big Jet TV? Because obviously that's all I really care about right now. Let's be honest. I'm honestly worried about what you've done to my algorithm for the YouTube because now it's violence and home cooking and Big Jets being landed. That's mainly what my YouTube is anyway. That's a good question. What's your YouTube algorithm?

8, 12, 15. Mine? Yeah. Mine's complicated. I would say it's dogs, self-help and a bit of Jay-Z. Oh, really? Piano Valley. Don't want to give you a hospital pass there.

Clips of Norm Macdonald being interviewed. I thought you were going to say clips of Norman architecture. Just footage. Clips of Norm Macdonald being interviewed. Background music compilations for when I'm doing other things. And just sort of, it's been warped by me looking at my own YouTube videos and trying to see how many views I have, to be honest. Ah.

Yeah, but what fabulous honesty. Yeah. Are you sure you haven't got some venerable bead in there? I leave that to the page. Oh. Do you know, he's very clever this one isn't he? Okay, I think we need to go to a break now.

I don't really know. Frank's very good at getting out these links. So I think what we really need with us is Hello Mr Radio But he's not here. So how do we get out of this, Pierre?

How do we flee the link? That'll do. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to bring to your attention a headline, worst gift ever, question mark. I've seen a news story. A husband bought his wife spring onions thinking that they were daffodils for Valentine's Day. In a news story that you think might be the script for a new Specsavers advert.

But it isn't. I feel bad for the husband in question. His name is John Musk, or as the son write him up, hapless John Musk, 53. I saw this story, Al, and we should tell Pierre. I mean, perhaps you can explain. I refer to the O's. I can't even say them.

The O's. The O's. The O's are about a staple diet. They make me so ill, onions. Yeah. I mean, it's a hatred. It's a phobia. It's all sorts of things. Al, you're familiar with my phobia about the O's, aren't you?

Yeah. Emily is one of those people that will ask any serving staff to make sure there's no onions in stuff, regardless of what it is that she's ordering. Cheesecake there's no onions in that you know, I'm only kidding, you don't order cheesecake. No, but I have

you know why? Because it creeps in. They're so ubiquitous They're the base for most savoury dishes. But how sensitive is your onion-ometer? Oh, you don't know. I've sat in this studio and I've said, I smell onions. And then I've looked in the apartment block opposite

and I've seen in the kitchen someone frying. And I think it's coming through the air conditioning out of the building into here. That's how sensitive my smell is. I can smell it miles away. She's verging on psychic powers i thought you're going to say something you're going to say psychotic um i i've learned though that there there is a sort of compassion and tolerance for people that don't like anchovies

you lot are fine people say oh yeah of course no, that's fine. Okay. If you don't like onions, you get abused. You're a weirdo. Yeah. Thank you, Alan. And when I go to events or I'm flying, and obviously you have to fill out your dietary requirements, I've learnt never to just say no onions because they don't take you seriously.

No. Do you know what I say? Right. And people sometimes mock me. Daffodils, please. No. Do you know what I say? Right. And people sometimes mock me. Daffodils, please. No. No onions, no daffodils. You know what I say?

I say I find onions very distressing. Very distressing. Yeah. Right. Does that open enough of a window in their mind as to the sort of trouble they'll be in should they ignore you? Mostly they smirk. Yes.

But that's okay. Smirking is fine. It's very fashionable to ramp everything up into some sort of anxiety disorder, isn't it? Very distressing. It's not just you don't like them. Not for the first time, I'm ahead of the curve on that one. Yeah.

I've been fearing onions for some decades. It's genuine fear. That's a Smiths lyric, isn't it? Well, it's anything... You're not Donna Musk, who's... Yes, Donna Musk. ...whiter, hapless John Musk. I mean, I feel a bit sorry for him in a way,

because I think actually what he did was quite loving. He looked at his wife, Donna, and he thought, I want Donna with onions. To kebab joke. Yes, with onions. To kebab jerk. Yes, I know. Kebab jerk. Donna with onions. Thank you.

I felt you deserved something for that. I felt you wanted something for that. And you got Huni. I felt you wanted something for that. And you got it. Yeah. Are you happy now? Thanks, guys. Okay. You got your propers.

Yeah, I felt this man was called John Mask. I like that name. Yeah, he should really be in a perfume store, shouldn't he? Well, Al, you know what I thought? I think it sounds like the sort of name that Lee Child was playing around with before Jack Reacher. Yes. Like a solid man's name. I tell you what I'm going to call him.

John Musk. No, no, Jack Reacher. It would feel good to slam your fist on your table, your desk, and say, get me Musk. When a problem arises. Elon's hard-bitten cop brother. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, do you think he's related to Elon?

Definitely. With this kind of social aptitude. Do you know what a Big Mo is, Pierre? Big Mo? Yeah. Big moustache. Big Mo is something we do moustache. No. Big mo is something we do on the show.

Will you quickly explain? It's when people tell you something that they think is unknown and interesting but is actually a really obvious thing that everybody says. Beautifully done. That big mo on EastEnders is Gary Oldman's brother. So I've got a Big Mo. Oh. Sting does the backing vocals on Money For Nothing. I don't know if Pierre looks surprised.

I was surprised. My Sting knowledge is low, though. You've ruined my Big Mo. That's not often I say that. We're talking about a revolting onion bouquet. One of our regular correspondents, Ian Angle, Angel, still getting it wrong after all these years, has texted in, read the onion story.

I'll bet he was upset it was leaked. And, of course, he's spelt leaked double L, L double E. I've ruined his joke as well. Oh, wow. I mean, it's a disaster for him. Yeah, sorry about that, Ian. So, John Musk, and we should say, please do text in on 8-12-15.

We'd love to hear from you. I've got a text in. I want to know, Pierre and I were talking during the break, during the musical interlude, and Pierre said something I related to. He said, I was an eerily formal child. That's interesting.

Not quite Jacob Rees-Mogg levels, but closer to that than a normal boy. OK, we're going to go back to Onions, by the way, don't worry. I mean, I'm not, but these boys are. Can you give us an example of your eerie formality as a child? So what's the sort of thing that you would say? Well, even something as simple as calling people sort of sir like your friend's dad sir yeah what are you elvis presley not like a double finger gun sir no it wasn't thank you very much sir um so how would you say it if you're addressing a friend's father or just they drop you off or you're going to their house after school for tea or whatever.

Thank you, sir, or whatever. Or saying may I or using the language that you'd use if you were not just in the company of an old king, but a king you feared. Oh, wow. Maybe if you'd had food there you might say please sir can i have some more yes yes and then all of a twist story and then of course i'd be sold you see i it's a lovely ending to the story i uh what an origin story you have yes i used i think i was when you said that it just struck a chord because I was an eerily formal child

and I want to know if any of our readers were eerily formal children. What expressions... Sometimes they're inherited from nans. I call them sort of nans expressions. When kids come out... I don't want kids to say the funniest things. Don't worry, Frank,

I would never do that to you in your absence. I would, of course. I know you would. But I'm keeping you on a tight leash. Yes. I, for example, would say, oh, I'm so sorry to hear about that. That's ghastly. No child should say ghastly.

And you had a disadvantage in the sense that you sounded like a sort of, well, like a well-spoken English girl, I assume, which is the scariest voice for a child. I mean, it's the scariest voice, period. Yes, that's true. Whereas my eerie formality was undercut by a thick Johannesburg accent, which I think lent it some... It's less likely to find in a horror movie. Very few small South African children are haunting mansions anyway. Yes, I did sound a little bit like something from a horror film.

That's absolutely ghastly. Yeah, that makes me think you want it to happen more. Yes, I do. So, yeah, that's our text. And we have that text in going, which is, What eerily formal things did you say as a child? 8, 12, 15. I'd also like to start another one in honour

of our onion discussion this morning. What ubiquitous food staple do you loathe? Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Have we heard from the outside world? Yes, Iona Faz

gets in touch and says my... Oh, me too. It's right in the studio. Yes. I can't find my jingle. Hang on a second. Where's that jingle? I like that.

You know what I'm going to... A little slide. Yeah, you know the one, I mean. Oh, I can't find it. Anyway, let's play something. We'll play that. That's it. There we go.

Thank you, Iona Fez. Says, my YouTube algorithm is currently episodes of The Good Life and Chance in a Million, which is quite sad considering I'm 24. Au contraire, Iona Fez. Iona Faz or Fez? Faz. Oh, OK. I would say...

Do you know what Chance in a Million is, Pierre? I do not. OK. I must confess, either you know what Chance in a Million is, Pierre? I do not. OK. I must confess, either due to youth or foreignness. I felt like I was talking to my French exchange. Do you know what Chance in a Million is, Pierre? Is it a show with a game? Peut-être.

How do you say Chance in a Million in French? I don't know. I'm assuming you speak good French. Chance in a, oh God. don't know i'm assuming you speak good french chance in a oh god chance chance dans un million i mean this is you know this is from glazed it sounds so much better anyway chance dans un million was a an itv i think sitcom and simon callow played the lead character simon, wow. What was his name? Tom Chance. Oh, right. Do you see they put a pun on it? It was very clever.

Very good. And his shtick, or I suppose his character trait, if you like, his only one, was that he spoke in note form. So he's a bit like Spider-Man, or Spider-Man as I call him it does. So it's a must-go-shops-now. What call him it does. So it'll say, must go shops now. What? Yes, it was very strange. Simon Callow?

Yes, yeah. Is this a prank? No, Iona Faz, will you back me up? This is true. It's quite niche, this stuff. But, you know, if you like it, if you know, you know. I thought the text in what eerily formal stuff did you do as a child was quite niche. But it's actually, may I say, it's lit up the switchboard, yeah.

Yeah, you're saying it's niche. We are talking about a show where the host once did a text in, which was, what would you rather find in a pool? A corpse or, I can't remember what the appropriate word that was used it was i went to a local swimming pool and the um the pool was closed due to an incident and i i thought it was a floater one one of two kinds anyway so we basically did a text in which was would you rather find that yeah Yeah, one or the other. Or a body.

Or a body. Yes. Okay, so we're not that niche. 698 has texted, from my nan, I would say 5 and 20 passed instead of 25 passed when saying the time. Yes. That's from John Littlehampton. I like that. John, I love that.

It's so true. It's like, yes, 5.20. Go on. From my sat-nav, my daughter once said, have we reached our destination? Oh, I love that. Which is obviously sat-nav inspired. That's very good. Oh, I love that. I like an eerily formal child, though. It's good. Julia

has texted in saying, my best friend's six-year-old daughter opened her front door to me and announced, Margaret has perished. Referring to her neighbour. And my eight-year-old nephew has always called our new baby a lovely chap. Sorry.

Oh, that's one of the best things I've ever heard. Apologies, by the way, for laughing, but it was very funny. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. I was asking Pierre about his father. Yes. During the last musical interlude. Yes, because he has messaged me and pointed out that it is remiss of me to forget my own creepiest thing I've ever said.

Yes, we're doing a strange text in this morning, which is... Eerily formal children, of which I was one. Me too. Can we call him Papa Novelli or does that sound like a frozen pizza I think it sounds takeaway I'd like to think that it sounds like a fresh takeaway

Would I like Papa Novelli? I think I would I think so I mean not in an inappropriate way, don't get me wrong He wouldn't like your dog Would he not? He doesn't like small dogs He hasn't met raymond that's true okay what does he have to say for himself well um when i was two my younger sister had just been

born and a family friend decided to be nice and ask me how what it was like having a little sister what do you think of your new little sister you know that sort of thing and apparently i said she disturbs my mind. Presumably shortly before cycling a tricycle on the ceiling. I was going to say, it's fabulously omen. It's very omen, isn't it? Again, the South African accent would have undercut it nicely. And I liked, you see, I was called, my sister did have a nickname for me, which was Damien Ema, which she made up, which I never, I think it took me a while to realise what that was a reference to.

But I liked being an overly formal child, eerily formal, we're saying. Have we had any other misses from the outside world, Al? We have, actually. And I should bring this to your attention, Emily. 364 has texted, hi, Emily et al. That's and all um my dad had a pathological hatred of what he called unmentionables he could smell them from several streets away and felt physically sick agitated and distressed at their mere mention yes emily you are the first person i've come across

with the same phobia as my dad. Sadly, no longer with us. And this article this morning has made me... Oh, it's got praise. I'm going to ignore that bit. Who is this? 364? 364, yeah. Ruth. Ruth? I feel so seen.

I cannot tell you how much this means to me. Ironically, on radio. I should tell you, I am a member, Pierre, of, which Alan knows about this, and he's actually been surprisingly non-judgmental about it, because I would judge me, no, I mean, I would judge me for this, Alan. It is a bit weird. I am a member of an online, sort of a help group. Right.

Called Onions Are Expletive Disgusting. Right. And I check in sometimes. If I've been to a friend's house and they've served a shepherd's pie. Right. Let's say. Or a big bowl of onions. Oh, well, I would never be friends with someone who did that, ever.

If I smell onions in your house, I'm not coming in. You're like a vampire. Yeah. It's not the first time someone said that but last time it was in the 90s i was having a lot of late nights but um if i go to someone's house and they'll serve a shepherd's pie i don't mind if the onion is so caramelized that it's molasses brown i can handle that if i can barely taste it sort of it has to be woodland brown though got it i like molasses brown okay I can handle that if I can barely taste it. It has to be woodland brown, though. Got it. I like molasses brown.

Okay, should we stick with that? Let's stick with molasses. If, however, it's happened recently, it's Towie veneers white. Oh. Sticks of onion gleaming in the shepherd's pie. I can't. With still crunch to them.

Oh, don't. Do you know how triggering that is for me? The word crunch. Just associating those two things. But I go to this website, to this Reddit group, because I find it really helpful. I'll check in. Again, I'll have an experience where someone will say

oh you don't mind cook do you I mean they would never say to the vegetarian oh I've got some mince you don't mind if it's cooked though do you do you see no onions means no onions read my lips yes my lips are the ones that don't smell of onions

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio have we heard from our divine readers smell of onions. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Have we heard from our divine readers? We have. A lot of people getting in touch with ubiquitous foodstuffs they loathe.

Oh, go on. A lot of eggs popping up. Oh, yeah. Very common. Do you know? Sulfurous. I've never got on with eggs.

No? No. At an onion level or? Oh, nothing's ever at an onion level. Nothing in this world. But I hear them. What have they got to say about it?

Just eggs. Surreally, it is a list of tweets just with the word egg. It's quite intimidating in a way. And interestingly, bananas have popped up. We've got a message saying, Bananas, dry, slimy, potential for mushy just wrong hypocritically that is from anna banana do you know it sounds like it sounds like you need to work on your self-loathing dry and slimy though that's a good point that i'd never considered about bananas they can be both to fair, I've dated people who are guilty of both of those things. Dry and slimy.

I want to know a little bit more about your week, Pierre. You're the guest. Tell us what you've been up to, please. Well, I'm a natural risk taker. Are you? Yes, definitely. So when my future brother-in-law said that he was going to be spending one of his rare weekend evenings out playing in a Magic the Gathering card tournament.

What's that, please? Imagine a card game based around sort of Lord of the Rings-y style stuff, fantasy, sort of orcs and elves and things. And that would make that card game extremely complicated. Okay, I like you, and we've gotten well so far. But if we're going to get onto wizards and orcs, we're going to have a problem. Okay, well, this is very much that territory. Now, I have played the game a couple,

I would say twice at this point. And once he said that, I said, I'm in. I sort of invited myself. Because I thought, I've never recklessly entered a tournament without having any expertise or training. And this is probably the safest tournament in which to do that. Martial arts. Is it fantasy dress?

Do you put a wizard's costume on? No. Oh, OK. No, no. Come on, Emily. That would belittle the magic of the dragon game, whatever it is. Is it? Are there dragon things? Are there dragons? Well, there's on the cards. The WE of the Dragons game, whatever it is. Is it other dragon thing?

Other dragons? Well, there's on the cards. W-E of the card game. Yes. Yes. Blood in the ring. So is it live action? Yeah, you have to play with a person with your cards, your deck of cards.

And I would say it was a very... Someone's phone went off. Oh, it was me. It was mine. Okay. It was a very... What's that? Someone's phone went off. Oh, it was me. It was mine. Okay. It was a very male environment. Of the tournament tournamentees, tournament attendees there was one lady with blue hair

so it's all lining up you know. Oh. Was it blue hair in a young sort of Gen Z way rather than a lady in Benny Hill sitting at the hairdresser's way blue wince yeah yeah like i thought she was at the bingo yes see i would have really loved that woman if she'd have been at the magic gathering what was the average age at the magic gathering

that question to piano valley i did uh play uh against a guy who i assumed was sort of 25 to 30 and turned out to be 48. So I don't know what it is about. Presumably there's a portrait of him in the attic somewhere. I don't really like how you're saying that. Like, that's very old. No, but I mean, he looked younger than me. He looked like an elfin, I would say, appropriately.

Did he look businessman-like? Did he have a suit or something? No, no, no. Everyone there looks fairly like they were they were fans of of jet tv before the storm oh big jet tv fans i'm gonna be so yeah very pre-storm big jet tv that's the highest compliment yes you can give so uh just tell me in a word what would you sum up the vibe at the Magic Gathering? Was it magical? Intense, I would say, is the word I would use to describe the vibe.

Okay. I like intense. We're going to hear more. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Pierre, our guest, was telling us about his little magic gathering. Yes. The magic, the gathering tournament. I do apologise.

Magic, comma, very important. Colon, maybe. We could be in that sort of territory. You strike me as a... I'm not going to lie. When you set this up as you being high on risk-taking, I thought it might include like a motorbike track day or something, and it turns out it's card playing with, I'm going to say, dorks.

That's what it ends up being. Look, Alan, it's not just dorks. There are nerds and geeks there as well. All including myself. I mean, I'm... Absolutely. Oh, you should have seen me walking in slow-mo through the doors like a cowboy, a bar, you know.

And when you get there... Yes. I mean, I don't want to suggest it's somewhat anticlimactic. Yeah. But you get there for your big battle and you sit at a table and play cards. Yes. Yes. Okay.

Very much so. And I was roundly trounced. Oh, that sounds bad. I was absolutely humiliated by these expert players. I had no idea what I was doing. What do you have to do? I mean, is it sort of medieval? Do you swap sort of leather tabards for...

Oh, it's not trading no no it's very much casting spells and and sort of sending a goblin to attack someone and things yeah it's a whole different area of expertise what are these dorks what are these dorks nerds and geeks drink during it are they having a mead or are they i think if mead was on offer they'd they'd have to replace the barrel, the wooden barrel. But they mostly seem to be drinking your IPAs and your lagers. You see, I have to be honest. These people, I like these. These are my people.

They were very welcoming. Oh, they're so nice. But it's the games that trouble me. Would Frank Skinner like Magic, the Gathering? I think it sounds very up his strata. I think he'd like the cards. The cards themselves, the art is very sort of, it's all very beautifully made.

And there's a lot of sort of interesting phrasing and little bits of sort of mythos and things that you can get into. The actual game itself can be a bit tediously mathematical, to be honest. Okay, it sounds like an idea of hell, actually. Your two favourite things, orcs and maths. Yeah, what do they serve? Onions?

Onion milkshakes? There's onion rings in the middle. Free onion with every tournament entry. I mean, they should just call it Magic and Onions, the gathering, if they want to really keep me away. We've actually got some advice re-onions for you, Emily. keep me away. We've actually got some advice re-onions for you, Emily.

686 has said onions are the enemy and seem to appear in every item on a restaurant menu. I have intolerance to onions and have to avoid them or the consequences are not good. Well, I know what they mean by that. Well, here's the bit

of advice that I think is controversial. To avoid onions move to China where they are used in very few meals. Really? Unless you're at the all-you-can-eat buffet

in Chinatown in which case they're used predominantly in every meal. Oh. Oh, there you go. I mean, it seems quite a drastic

step to take moving to... Yeah, let's not forget they welded their citizens into their homes at the start of the pandemic. Let's not forget that. And fed them onions. Yeah, let's not forget, they welded their citizens into their homes at the start of the pandemic, let's not forget that. And fed them onions. Yeah.

Absolutely. I always think I'm an absolute idiot. I don't think I'll be doing that. But you know what? What has been nice about this morning is that I no longer feel alone. You know, I've shared it. I made myself vulnerable talking about onions. And it turns out there are others that feel similarly.

It doesn't. Well, two. But, you know, stop. We're talking about how I hate onions. We're talking about how our readers hate other ubiquitous... Yes. ..sort of staple foods. Things you come across too often

Crowey Jr. seems to have not taken that the right way Crowey Jr.? Is that Russell's child? That's quite sort of Antipodean isn't it? Crowey Jr.? Crowey Jr. I've told you I can do that, I am half Antipodean

thank you Well they've said pulled pork, and I'd love to know where they live, that they can't move from pulled pork. I was going to say West 11, I would imagine, in London. Yeah. Pulled pork. I would say that's quite... I don't know if that's a staple.

They're beset on all sides by pulled pork. But we're getting eggs, seems to be. Eggs and bananas. Eggs, bananas, a lot of sweet corn, celery, mayonnaise is coming up a lot, which is not surprising, texture-wise. Fair enough. Also eggs. Yeah, that's great.

To be fair, that's double eggs. Mayonnaise, yeah. And David Palmer, man after my own heart, baked beans. Can't stand them. You'd think for him it would be ham. In the midst of cockerel. I see what you think. We've also been running another text in about...

When you say running, it's rather more chaotic. Being eerily formal when a child, and 832 has an excellent contribution. When I was about eight, my younger brother pushed me over in the kitchen and I fell onto the wine rack in the corner of the kitchen and I said what was apparently a very, in what was apparently a very arch way,

you pushed me into the pheasant gully. My parents still quote it to this day. Strong love. Oh, I love that. Who was that, please, Al? Oh, I don't know. Don't worry, you'll get to it. I have another observation to make this morning,

which I'd like to point out to you, which is the weather presenters. They are a little bit, at the moment, there's a vibe about them, which is the weather presenters they are a little bit at the moment there's a vibe about them which is quite martin mccutchen this is my moment yes it really is this is what we train for it's the sort of thing they say to themselves on they're quite some of them look there's two approaches some of them are really coming at this in a sort of presidential campaign way like i'm going to make the most i'm going to milk this some of them are really coming at this in a sort of presidential campaign way, like I'm going to make the motion, I'm going to milk this. Some of them look a bit, they've got that my wife's left me, I'm on the sofa beard. They haven't been to bed. They've been up tracking

the storm. Yeah, exactly. You know, whatever works for them. I've got the same beard, but the wife is still here. That's a side issue. It's more a comment on beards really breaking news from the cockerel house yes i like it uh what have you been up to please i want to know what's been happening shay cockerel oh is this um i mean i believe i'm getting the fez as you're uh even as you're asking how i've been the producer is waving fez, but you know not... I like to keep her on her toes. Mainly watching bullies get owned on YouTube, but I'm sure there's other stuff. Yes, that's our other text, and we should say,

is what is your YouTube algorithm? We've established that mine features dogs, some sort of gentle self-help, and Jay-Z. I mean, you know. Pretty good. Do you like it? Yeah. Okay.

The triumvirate. I like you, Pierre. You can stay. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. What else has been happening, please?

Well, speaking of my goblins and ghouls themed tournaments, there are real ghosts out there, real spirits, apparently in Toya Wilcox's attic. A violent ghost is living in there and attacks a medium. Oh, yes. Now, I love a ghost story. I mean, when I say a ghost story, not that kind of story. Not it was a dark and stormy night and all that.

But I like a story about someone having a ghost, thinking they have a ghost in their house. It always makes me smile. I don't know if that's the intended. No, but I like the concept of a paranormal investigator. Is that a proper job, 8, 12, 15? Can you put that on a passport? Can you say I'm a paranormal investigator? I'm not sure as comedians slash broadcasters

we're entitled to decide what is a proper job. Absolutely, honestly. Do you know, I think you've owned me there. Fair enough. But it is a strange career choice, I would say. Well, the expert on this is something of a character, I would say well the expert on this is is something of a character I would suggest

is he a colourful self-styled colourful character Al as Frank would say he's got a strange almost like bulletproof

vest style gilly body cam thing on like he thinks he's come straight from police camera action

why do paranormal investigators wear tabards why do they wear body cams on like he thinks he's come straight from police camera action or something Why do paranormal investigators wear tabards? Why do they wear bodyguards? It's in case the ghosts sue them He's wearing Kevlar or something, I don't get it I don't know what he was expecting

You would think they would wear I would, I mean I would suggest if I was a ghost stylist, a paranormal investigator stylist, again, even more niche job, I would suggest they wore sort of ghostly garb in order to fit in with the community more. A sheet with eye holes. Yeah. So if a ghost appears that's too scary, you can say, yeah, tell me about it. I'm looking for these guys as well.

I want to haunt them so bad. Yeah. And you sort of fold your arm and go, oh, I know. I've had a nightmare as well. You want to go for a drink, mate? But a sheet with eye holes, but as Alan has pointed out previously on this show, Reebok trainers underneath. Yeah.

Poking through. Always, Al, in the regional ghost train. It's not a ghost without a reebok trainer poking through no it's the spookiest type of trainer but this uh this character is he called i mean it's your classic paranormal investigator name he's called barry yeah yeah they were spent double spelt double ri barry anyway that's the magical sort of twist on it. Yeah. Oh, it's very magic, the gathering. Very well-maintained beard Barry has trimmed.

Oh, yes. That goes well with waistcoats. Well, Barry was filming an episode for a show called Celebrity... Watson Toyer's Attic. Oh, no, my mistake. No, that's none of your business. It was called Celebrity Help! My House is Haunted. OK?

Now, let's do it in the tone that they would have... The tone they would have chosen. Yeah. Celebrity Help! My House is Haunted! Yeah. Oh, that's good. Do you like that? That is good. That's really well acted, that.

I was there in the attic. If you want to see more of that acting, you can see my work on Dare the Triffids. Probably available, well, it's on iPlayer currently, but you can purchase it. Did you know that, Pierre? I did not. Okay.

You look a little bit more impressed by me now. I wasn't a very good actor. No? No. Oh, you impressed by me now. No. I wasn't a very good actor. No? No. Oh, you were a minute ago. Yeah. I don't believe you.

I was trying to build myself up, but that was exactly how I acted. I think I had one line where I had to say, Hey, can't you kiss her indoors? That's good. Did you like it? Yeah. I didn't deliver it as well as I could have. You get an exclaiming.

Hey and help so far have been very good. So anyway, Barry on Celebrity Help. Can you try and do it? I think I would naturally undercut the level of seriousness that they're expecting. Give it a go. Celebrity Help, my house is haunted. Celebrity Help, my house is haunted. Celebrity help. My house is haunted.

I can't even. No, I'm really happy. The idea of saying that so sincerely. I'm really happy with that. I think they might use it. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio.

We're talking about ghosts behaving very badly. Yeah. Is that a sequel to, is that a planned sequel to men behaving badly, where the ghosts drunk beer and lived with ladettes? Well, it's funny you should say the ghosts drinking beer because there's a bit where Barry is being attacked. I don't want to spoil the clip. But Barry's being attacked and he's clutching his neck

and somebody off camera is saying, I think, to the ghosts, step away, you don't have permission to do that. You don't have permission to do that. Can I tell you exactly what she says at heart? Yeah, please do. She says, it's a woman, and she says, step away, please. Step away, please. You do not have permission to do that.

Now, here's my question. Are ghosts much more rule orientated than I realised? When I'm a ghost, I was kind of hoping to express my more libertarian side and ignore rules. And it turns out if they're really admin driven I don't want to be a ghost as much as I thought I did. I mean they don't strike me ghosts as sticklers for regulations

They walk through walls. They break into houses. Exactly they walk through walls They break into houses, they break objects they're very noisy during residential quiet hours Wouldn't you say? I mean the job description of a ghost Projects? They're very noisy during residential quiet hours. Yeah. Wouldn't you say? I mean, the job description of a ghost, it doesn't... A poltergeist? You can't have a rule-abiding poltergeist carefully smashing things that need to be smashed for the recycling.

They don't go into libraries and put books back, do they? They're messing them up. Do you think the behavioural demands she's making of the ghosts are, let's say, a little unrealistic? Yes, although it's dangerous to bring the word unrealistic into this realm, I feel. I think once we start pulling the thread... Oh, I think we've got a sceptic in our midst, have we?

Well, she says there's an audio recording of the ghost at one point. And at least it's quite original, because normally when you hear these ghost audio recordings, they're quite melodramatic in history on a ghost. They always hiss, don't they? Yeah. And they speak in a baritone. Yes. This ghost, I think this was a bit of a soul funk loving ghost,

because this ghost said, get down, get down repeatedly. Yeah. I like that kind of ghost. It could be James Brown. I'll imagine if it was. Causing chaos. I mean, I hope he'd do a bit more than that if he was to return. He'd come in as a poltergeist and knock everything over

and then he'd stagger offstage under a cape and be brought back on. I just can't imagine. He'd do in as a poltergeist and knock everything over and then he'd stagger off stage under a cape and be brought back on. I just can't imagine. Doing some big encore. If the legendary James Brown returned, the first thing on his list would be, I must go to Toyah's attic to rearrange some furniture. To choke that psychic.

To choke Barry the paranormal investigator. But it's interesting, isn't it? Because this man said it was the most scared. Barry said it was the most scared he'd been in 20 years. Yeah. To be fair, he does round up everything into decades. So it could just be like 10 and a half years. Yeah.

To be fair, so do I. Because once you get to my age, that's what happens, dear. On that bombshell, that's all we've got time for. It's been an absolute pleasure having you here with us this morning, Pierre. Thank you so much. And you, of course, as ever, Cockrell. Frank will be back next week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

I'm sure he will be. Thank you for joining us this morning. We'll be off now. Be seeing you. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. you