The Frank Skinner Show - Anti-charger

Episode Date: January 25, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week we celebrate Frank’s birthday and the team have been to see Frank’s Garrick show. The gang also discuss school bans, Master Peter Phillips and there’s a phone charger update.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio or email the show via the Absolute Radio website. You know occasionally on this show you don't see the text messages that we receive, Frank. I protect myself. A filtering system takes place. But one of the things that we filter out...

Can I say I'm eternally grateful for you two guys for taking the bullets. It's alright. One of the things that we filter out is what I would call accidental to the radio station text messages that seem to be for someone else. So, pick you up at B&Q at about three, OK? And I think I'm not going to B&Q.

It's very unlikely this is meant for Absolute Radio. We've just received one from 511, which is strangely appropriate for us. It says, talk later, question mark. Oh. That's it. I suppose that wouldn't be a bad name for a radio station. Oh, yeah.

Talk Later FM. And it goes on through the night. It starts at, say, 10 o'clock at night and just goes through the night for, you know, insomniacs, burglars, people who are late. Anyway, 511, if you are listening, which I suspect not, we will talk later, and now. We'll do it all.

Yeah, I'd love to know what they were going to talk later. Does that sound like a positive talk later? Anyway, talk later, or let's talk later about it. I can't think now. Oh, yes, the tone is all with talk later, isn't it? It's the fine syndrome. It's what I've said many times. There should be stage directions on texts.

Then we would know where we were working. Oh, I'm just having a bit of a scratch. Well, I have a rule re that, Frank. Which is never have any emotionally significant conversations via text. Really? God, I've broken

that. Oh, I haven't. I don't really argue via text. Really? I've pretty much... I've broken that. Oh, I haven't. I don't really argue on text. Oh. I don't think I ever have. No, there are other emotional conversations other than arguments. Not really. But I just mean in terms of

never raise the stakes on text. Uh-oh. Pick up the phone if you're going to do that. Yeah, I think that's... I don't know if that's commonly observed. Anyway, there you go. Oh, OK. Yeah, I think so. I don't know if that's commonly observed. Anyway, there you go. I, um... Oh, I saw a great thing on...

Speaking of the internet, which we weren't really, but, um... Nearly. I was talking to someone about the, um... former Page Three model Lucy Pinder.

Yeah. I've discussed her before on this show. Of course you have. Because, you know, her ambition as I explained to you. She was less page three. She was more sort of loaded nuts. She was definitely page three though, wasn't she?

I think she was more loaded nuts. But anyway, as you were. Okay, well you get the kind of... I get the gist. You get the career trajectory. I do. Yeah. And I told her I worked with her once and asked her her ambition and she said it was to hold a chimpanzee. I love that.

Yeah, which I respected her for. I respect. I was telling someone this story, and they didn't really know Lucy Pinder was. So I Googled her. Mm. And I got a page. There's a website that just does relationships.

So you look up a famous person, it tells you who they've been out with, and she went out with Chris Evans not not, you having a good time Chris Evans, but Captain America yeah, and

did you know that? I'm not sure I did. I thought Emily might be ahead of me on that. So it says, it says two listings for her. It says Lucy Pinder, Partners, and it says Chris Evans, brackets, American actor. And then it says Daniel Hooper, brackets, person. Oh!

Ouch! brackets person oh oh ouch that's like being sort of private in the army in the army of celebrity boyfriends oh I felt for that guy

person slash person yeah must be difficult if you're like post film star and you're just going you're treating me

like I'm just a person yeah it's difficult it could have been it could have said civilian oh yeah like, post-film star, and you're just going, you're treating me like I'm just a person. Yeah. It could have been worse. It could have said civilian. Oh, yeah. Still, you don't want to pinder to a former... You don't want to pinder to a... Oh, is that meant to be Panda?

I'm working on Panda, you see. Yeah, keep working on that one. No, I wasn't happy with it. I don't know. If she was more current, I think people would be more alive to the electricity of the name. Yeah. But I want to talk to you about electricity as well.

Do you remember Chargergate last week? Oh, Chargergate. Sounds like a horse scandal. Yeah. Well, I've... Yeah, in King Arthur's Court. Well, I've made a remarkable scientific discovery. If there's anyone with any interest in science,

gather ye round the radio for the next bit. Frank's Case Givers on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so last week, regular listeners, regular readers will know that my phone wasn't working and so I couldn't get an alarm to wake me up to come to the show, which was a very anxiety-creating moment. Last night, I plugged the phone into the same charger and I watched the battery bit, where it says battery in the corner, start to pulse like a heart. where it says battery in the corner,

start to pulse like a heart. And, yeah, really. You know, you're using it like a lightning strike. Good analogy. Yeah. It was pulsing like that. And then the charge, it said, like, 75% charge when I put it in. Oh, yeah. And then it said 74% charge, 73%.

And the so-called charger was on charging. Oh. So it was... It's literally the opposite of his job. Exactly the opposite. I mean, it was sucking the electricity out of it. I mean, it was weird. I know it's a cliche at the moment, but you want to say to it,

you had one job, mate. Yeah, exactly. And you're doing the exact opposite. It's a charge. But if anyone can explain that. You don't respond. Sorry, I'll deal with this temporarily. Was it the fault of the charger,

or was it just depleting anyway? No, but it was going at a rate of knots, and it doesn't normally do it. The charger has somehow reversed its role. It's a sort of, you know it doesn't normally do it. The charger has somehow reversed its role. It's a sort of, you know, double agent. The rogue charger. And now it's taking electricity from my phone and putting it into the grid.

It's a grid thief. Do you think it's an eco thing? They're thinking we could power some machines by... Well, it's dangerous. What if I plugged in my own long-lasting before I went to sleep? Exactly. I don't think they still use those. Thankfully, that's still on the generator that you've got in the spare room.

Yeah. It's hard to sleep with that in the room. Honestly. Look, if anyone can explain i'd love to i've never seen such watching your phone just um lose it was like you know when dracula bites into a young woman's neck and they steadily become paler and yes yeah it's like that. Just saying. May I mention, we've had some lovely correspondents read your show last night, Frank and Derek. That's quick. That's topical.

I know, they get in touch very quick. And I should say, Alan and Sarah, the producer and I, went to see our esteemed leader last night ourselves. Wee! We sure did. Well, hang on, I haven't done a lot of talking. our esteemed leader last night ourselves. Whee! Well, hang on, I haven't done a lot of talking. He said that failed. That was the vibe. I mean, I'm not going to say you stormed it.

I'd say you stormzied it. Stormzied Danieled it, you did. It was an extraordinary response. I mean, you brought the house down. What a show. Can you not say that in a West End theatre? It's a bit star-fallen. I mean, I've got I have a few jokes ready.

If the ceiling falls in. Our experience was, well, it's nice because we get to hear the comments, much the way we do on the show, Frank. Yes. We feel them. I hear people, and it's nice, and Pierre Novelli, your support.

I'm getting nervous just the idea of it. No, I won't share those with you. I've been in this game long enough, dear. He got some lovely comments. He did. I overheard a woman behind me say that she would go and see his show at a future point. That was nice. Yeah.

That's a good sign. But unfortunately, I banged my head on the seat in front. Oh, yeah, I forgot that. I leant forward. You banged? Did you assume brace position? Yes, but too quickly. I'm not going to lie.

I was lurching for a Malteser. Oh, OK. We've all done it. But I leant forward and I misjudged. And I came up and I looked at Alan and the producer and I said, oh, you can't see anything there. And you know what Alan's like, Frank? I mean, you could have your hair on fire and it'd look a bit hot.

Yes. So I knew when I saw his face. He's got quite a calm, bedside manner as a doctor. You've got a very big lump I can see it farming it was huge think yourself lucky because they used to have

ashtrays on the back but those little ashtrays they could have holy water in them yeah that could have been much worse I can't see anything I can't see anything now Alan gave me some Sprite Yeah, that could have been much worse. That's when my parents stopped going to the theatre when they stopped smoking. Yeah, I can't see anything now.

And Alan gave me some Sprite. You know those very, very rubbish binoculars that used to be, 20 pence? And it was like you could see less with them. Yeah. Absolutely hopeless. Well, that's... Guess what? I was so proud of you because you did so well,

I stood at the end did you did you yeah i did oh dear i know i couldn't help it i got excited and then i thought i better sit down no that was that was nice of you but it didn't catch on well you had left the stage at that point they thought i was just a bit i. I had one embarrassing thing this week where my marketing department sent me these, I have to OK quotes for the posters. So you get things like, so there's the king of stand-up and comedy masterclass,

and I have to say, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. It's like being Caligula. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We should say, or I should say, it's

as it is my birthday on Tuesday, I was, and it's it's um as it is my birthday on tuesday i was um and it's also phase who's um the assistant producer on this show so i there was lots of talk about sign phase card on the way in and i sort of assumed that faye was going to get this weekend for her birthday celebration and I was going to get the next one. So, as they say after dinner speaking, imagine my surprise when I got in

and there were some lovely gifts. So there was poetry books from Emma, from Emily rather. Who's Emma? She was in the front row last night. Oh yeah, she was in the front row. Oh, yeah.

She's been in touch, actually. She wasn't quick enough to get me poetry books since then, which is brilliant. And I got a... I'm going to tell you the whole lot. These are the lasting impressions. Don't do the whole lot. No, I'm trying to do what order.

You know when they say open them in that order? Yeah. I don't know if you should do one of them is what I'm thinking about. I think you should go to the... Wait till we've done it. Yeah, wait till we've done it. It's an event. I think I know which one you want to talk about in great detail.

I got a hamper from Absolute, which is very lovely. Sort of a top... Fulton & Mason. Top of the range. Yeah. Top end. And then a beautiful Bob Dylan notebook. Yeah.

But best of all, I have to say, best of all, I got a Venerable Bede sweatshirt, which I can't, no, it sounds like. There'll be people Googling that thinking it's a brand. No. Like Fruit of the Loom. Venerable Bede was a monk who wrote... It's what we know, most of our Anglo-Saxon history

is from a book that he wrote, an ecclesiastical history. Smoking, Pat. Of course it is. He lived in Wearmouth in the North East. Thank you, Potter. You heard. And he lived in Wearmouth in the northeast. Thank you, Martin. And I went to Bede World recently, which we spoke about. But he is, I mean, he's a central figure. I went to visit his tomb in Durham Cathedral,

and now I have the sweatshirt. When you say the sweatshirt, this isn't official merch. No, but I'm guessing it's rather than, it's probably the only one. Well, we had it. They didn't have them at Bead World, let's put it that way. No, we did have to ring up and say, and when the man said, what do you want printing on it? And we said, Beda Venerables.

Yeah. Which is what it says on his tomb. Is that correct? Oh, we've put an epitaph on there, lovely. Yeah, but, oh man, I was so happy with that, it's brilliant. I'm a bit worried about Bead World hearing this and gettingitaph on there. Lovely. Yeah, but, oh, man, I was so happy with that. It's brilliant. I'm a bit worried about bead world here in this and getting litigious on us.

They don't own bead. Nobody owns bead, does they? The bead brand is... Nobody puts him in there. Oh, they have. No. No, but, yeah, exactly. So I put that, you know, lovely.

And... Glad it went down well. Yeah, really well. Also, I was thinking just... What do you think of Faye's presents? Do you think they're a bit selfish in some ways? Well, Faye's presents were a bit ear-ringy. Well, then she got the cake stand

and encouraged you to make us cakes. She occasionally made... Imagine if it's your birthday as well and you buy someone a cake stand. The size of a hint in there. Because Faye is a baker. And so, yes. What do you call those revolving...

I want to say Aunt Sally. You actually call it a turntable. It confused me for a moment this morning, but it is known as a turntable. What's the lazy Susan? The lazy Susan is if you sit around a table and you can spin it around so everyone can reach and serve themselves. And they died out, didn't they? Still alive and well in the Chinese restaurant community in central London. And it is, so we should say Happy New Year to all our Chinese listeners.

Yes. And also, happy Burns Night to all our Scottish. Let's just say happy Chinese Burn Night to everyone. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. No, don't do that. Has anyone explained my weird... We have had that. Before we do that, though, I would like to say

that I very much enjoyed your stand-up comedy show last night. Thank you, darling. Frank. Well, I felt like you had said that it was good and people might be thinking, oh, it sounds like Alan's a bit lukewarm. But not only am I not lukewarm... That would have been a good stage name for you, though. Lukewarm.

Lukewarm. That would be great, actually. Not only was I not a tough crowd, but very unusually for me watching a stand-up. You made me laugh before you got to the stage. I was laughing at the programme notes. Oh.

I got lols. You got lols from me on the programme notes, and I'm the person who tried to put people laughing out loud when reading into Room 101 when I've before done that. There you go. He was laughing so loudly. I said, oh, what's that? And you know when you ask someone what they're laughing,

they're reading something back and they go... And you say, oh, what's that? They go, oh, nothing, it's fine. Yeah, that's exactly the thing that I hate. And I thought, no, come on, mate, share. And I said, oh, what is it? He said, no, no, no, it's OK, it's OK. It's nothing very funny, I don't know.

Well, they said to me, shall we have a programme by sort of marketing people? Associates. And I said, oh, no. I said, programmes are for people like, I don't know, say Russell Brand, where people want to look at pictures of him, his fans. Nobody wants to look at pictures of me.

Do you know what I mean? So I said, there's no point in that. And then they said, well, you could write something. And then we agreed to make it free. And then I'd just write it, basically. And I was happier with that. That's great. But you know what I mean when you get massive pictures?

There won't be nine pages, because that, I think, is physically impossible. It has to be even. But you get like 12 pages and it's just big pictures of the person. What's the point in that? What's the point? Good point. Good.

That's one of the first reviews I've had of the actual programme. Of the programme? Oh, I enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. In fact, I might read it again on the train on the way home. Really enjoyed it. Honestly, Frank, he loved that programme. I really did. He was all over the programme.

I was getting big laughs from either programme. It was, from start to finish, we'll stop talking about it now, but you were incredible. If I was asked to give a quote for the poster, I would say, the Persian carpet without the floor. Do you like that? Interesting idea. In case you don't know,

the idea is that when, I think everywhere in the Islamic world, when they make a carpet, they put a deliberate fault in because only God is supposed to be perfect. Only Allah is perfect is the idea. I used to refer to it as, you know,

the slightly fallen lip on David Beckham? Yes. That was an example. Oh, lovely. A comparable example. He's beauty, just slightly marred as a sign of respect. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio.

I say, Frank, we didn't come back last night and... You didn't come back? No, to see you. Oh, OK. I'm a sure visitor. Omar, your stage manager, tour manager, he was charming, though, because he said... I think he contacted us and said,

yeah, but if you want to meet up, which I liked. Oh, with him? Yeah. Now, he's very social. Oh, I loved Omar. I saw him come on stage. I was very excited. Did he come on stage? Yes. God damn it. I didn't know that.

He does to change, you know, to do a bit of sex. Oh, does he do that? I'm sure there's no need to do that. He just wants to be on stage. He just wants a bit of the glory. I pointed. I said, oh, look, it's Omar. Did he have his pink Doc Martens on? He did, I noticed the Doc Martens. I felt like they were my family.

Looking at, because I feel I know these boys. Because they've been on tour together. Well, you know that traditionally people who work backstage on shows are supposed to wear blacks, you know, you wear black top, black everything, so that you're sort of hidden.

I would say you went the exact opposite. He's a colourful dresser, I think it's fair to say. Dairish. You said it. You said it. Pierre likes a bit of velvet. Look, speaking of that. You know, Alan walked me to my car yesterday.

Charming. Oh, that's nice. Did you drive in? Yeah, of course I did. Well, to be honest, I thought that I was walking Emily to a bus stop or a tube station and then she said, oh no, I'm parked and then I walked her and then I

we were chatting outside of the car park and then I suddenly thought I should walk you to your car and then she went, it's okay, I've done valet, I'll just get the man to walk me to it. Oh, how lovely. And then, as I was walking Different world, innit? I mean then, as I was walking... Different world, innit? I mean... And then as I was walking down

into the car park, I waved goodbye to you. I turned around, walking towards me, Andrew Ridgely, with a suitcase, with a wheelie case. Gave me a lovely smile.

Lives in there, brother. I smiled. All this stuff in that suitcase. Yeah, he lives in the car park. Just a tap. I was going in. A cold water lives in the car park. Just a tap. I was going in. A cold water tap in the corner. I was going in.

NCP car park drinks are free. Oh, man. It's a shame. I wasn't going to bring it up on air. It was a perfect end to an evening. It started with a bang, ended with a wham. Did you say hello? I did. He gave me a lovelyam. Did you say hello? I did.

He gave me a lovely smile. I said, oh, hello. Oh, nice. Anyway, the rest of it, none of you beeswax. No, no, fair enough. I understand. As you were. Look, my son, who's seven and a half, has got quite long hair.

You've seen it. It's a massive curl, sort of Robert Plant style. And he's been told this week that he has to now have it tied back at school for hygiene reasons, which I don't... What does that mean, even? Because you can still get knits if you tie your hair back. Yeah. I thought, what does that mean even? Because you can still get knits if you tie your hair back. Yeah.

And then, just a few days later, there's a Fitbit ban. Right. So some of the kids had Fitbits. There's kids' Fitbits that you can get for Christmas. And they've been told they can't wear them now. So I spent, whatever it was, 80 quid on a Fitbit. And if you're not wearing it all the time, what's the point? So I'm thinking that they might be having bets in the staff

room of what to ban next. Oh, I love it when you set your scores. You know when I was... That's what it is. That's drunk on power. When I was school, they banned Winkle Pickers. That

puts everything in its correct age. They did. They banned Winkle Pickers. Yeah. My school banned those Grolsch bottle tops that Bross started a craze for on the shoes. Oh, yes. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We had banned... Oh, go on. Oh, we had so many things banned. We weren't... Well, there on. Oh, we had so many things banned. We weren't... Well, there was a very strict rule on heels, and they would measure with the tape measure. No.

To see you didn't have a stiletto heel, as they called it. Yeah. Oh, good. Very strict. On 8-12-15, if you've been involved with any, or your kids, with any unusual school bands B-A-N-S I'd love to know

in the sort of open brackets what next question mark close brackets This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text our show on 8 12 15.

Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Okay. We've had such a lovely response from our fabulous loyal readers to your shout-out, Frank, for people sort of coming up with things that had been banned at their school. Ah, yes.

You've lit up the switchboard. You lit up the night last night. Yeah. And now, in a professional capacity... You, everybody, light up my life. You... Oh, everyone, I'll stop. Sorry. I don't join in.

I realise I didn't know any more. And can I say, Pierre was part of this light. Okay. Okay? I will pass that on to Pierre. Oh, he was fabulous. Pierre is my support. Very handsome.

Supporting. Can I say, the girls gave him five stars on the handsome front as well. Oh, really? What did I get? Absolute stunner. Shall we get on to the texts and emails? OK, let's do that. 021, our school had a ban on Chino pants.

Although certain teachers referred to them as Genos. Which, while the ban seemed ridiculous, it was always amusing how uncool the teachers were and our teenage eyes for not knowing the real name. Well, that is. I remember being in a band and we were rehearsing in a sort of church hall thing, as bands do, and it was pretty loud.

And this copper turned up. Someone had called the police and he turned up. And he was in the early days of community policing. So he said, look, lads, you know, I'm all for you, you know, doing the music and all that. He said, how's it going? Have you done any jigs yet? And I thought, oh, no.

You know what I love about this? Is he probably went home and reassured himself, oh, no. You know what I love about this? Is he probably went home and reassured himself, oh, they'll forget about it. How many years ago was that? Anyway, that was Phil from Preston. Just wanted to give him his progress. Back to you, Al. 558 is a contribution that makes me think,

oh, if I were a teacher, this is perhaps the sort of anecdote people would have about myself. Hi, Frank, we had a ban on marbles and my teacher, Mr. Wright, I wonder if he's married. Yeah. A lot of women are looking for him. They're waiting for him, certainly. We had a ban on marbles and my teacher, Mr. Wright, with a W,

came out at break and caught us playing illegally in the corner. He smashed them all with a hammer. No risk assessment. They're quite hard to break as well. She adds, no risk assessment or safety goggles, I might add. And that's from Debbie.

That is... I wonder... I want to know how many of them were there and how long it took. Just that. Was it done in rate or was it done with cold calculations? There are two missives I'd like to share from you. Just from our online friends in the Twitter community.

Ben Davis, banned from going on a school trip to Dorchester for the day. I like that he still sounds a bit angry about it. When I was eight, because I had a Beano T-shirt on, I never understood their reasoning for doing it. And he's got an emoji of the sort of thoughtful face with the hands stroking the chin. Still thinking about it. Still thinking.

And then Piers O'Halloran has said, long hair was banned in our school. In the age of grunge, this was hard to police. Then someone found a picture of the principal with long hair in the 70s and the fear of hypocrisy

made him withdraw the ban. Oh, that's good. Just saying. Excellent. So it's research. If you can find Tony Blair, what was his band?

Tony Blair's band. Anyone remember? Oh, that's a good quiz question. I'll read this one though. Anyway, there's that infamous picture? Oh, that's a good quiz question. Our readers will know. Anyway, there's that infamous picture. Yes, there is a picture of him with long hair.

But I have to tell you, he is not the headmaster at my son's school. No. Okay, not yet. I can't see the headmaster at my son's school having had long hair. He doesn't look like a long hair type of a guy. But, you know, we've all got our... I get on famously with him, actually.

Oh, I know. A lovely man. He loves you and you love him. That's what life will be like for all of us in heaven. Summer till all four, we're two kids. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio We've had an update on the anecdotes

that we were just discussing about the teacher smashing marbles with a hammer Oh good more info that's what we need 558

as Debbie has again replied there was a good 20 marbles and he systematically did all of them, including the silver slivers, which were particularly prized.

Oh, no. I forgot they had names, of course. Oh, yeah. Did they? Yeah, they all had different types of names for the different designs. Oh, that was a level of detail I never really got involved in.

Yeah. Probably busy skiing instead of playing marbles, weren't you? How dare you? 095 has got in touch. Ugly Rumours was the name of Tony Blair's band. Oh, yeah, very

good work. Oh, I feel so satisfied after that. Yeah, Ugly Rumours. Because there were some jokes about, you know. Can I say that Faye has just entered the studio with a tremendous chocolate birthday cake that she has made. Yes. It's absolutely, and it's got...

For herself. It's got shards. A birthday cake that she's made for herself. Well, I'll have some. I think we'll all have some. It's got shards of chocolate. Yes. Well, I'll have some. I think we'll all have some. It's got shards of chocolate. Now, I don't know if they have power cuts in the Arctic wastes, but what it looks like is Superman's Fortress of Solitude with the lights off.

Now, whenever you see in the comics Superman approaching his Fortress of Solitude, the lights are always on. I don't know if he has a caretaker who stays there or maybe a lady that comes round from a nearby igloo who puts the eating on and he lets her know that he's coming back. I think it's more like those

hotel corridors where when he walks near to it, just it all lights up. Oh, it might be. Oh, he might have burglar lights. Yes. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, of course. But that's what it looks like.

It looks like the power cut version of Superman's Fortress of Solitude, which makes me very happy for some reason. I don't know why. I love Superman. Still my favourite comic book hero despite is he really yeah I just

I've got a little figurine of him on my bedside table yeah Sharon Parsons has been in touch Sharon Parsons

talking about what's been banned from school petticoats give my life to Queen Victoria from Little Women. Here's on 500 a year.

Because the sight of some lace showing below your skirt would attract the boys. Yeah, I can see that. Not in my school. That might be tantalising. One thing you don't want when you're trying to do your mats is the rustle of lingerie. That's what I find.

It's a good rule. It is, yeah. Tony from Darwin in Lancashire, which I've done gigs in there. Darwin. Darwin? D-A-R-W-E-N. Hi, Frank and the gang.

We're the gang, Emily. It's a lot better than it used to be. What is? It's evolved. better than it used to be What is? It's evolved Oh, very good We had a ban on Birmingham Bags The trousers made famous by bands like the Bay City Rollers They were called Birmingham Bags?

Birmingham Bags What, even though they were tartan trimmed? That's what you call them on the playground No, no This will do well on the Decade stations, won't it? Birmingham Bags Oh, yeah, I love that The tears will be running down their cheeks all the mums in the playground. This will do well on the Decade stations, won't it? Birmingham bags. I love that. The tears will be running down their cheeks. And we sang

Shang-a-lang and we ran around and we went to that little bit of way. I remember when the girls at my school, well not all of them but about ten of them had been to see the Bay City Rollers the night before at Birmingham Town Hall and they came

into school the next day still hysterical, just standing around and crying and stuff. Were they? It was like me this morning after seeing you. Yeah, well exactly but obviously that's more reasonable. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio What are you laughing at?

Nothing, nothing. You're so laughing. Do you know, it's our readers. They make me laugh a lot. They're funny. I read their texts. For example, Sarah Johnson has been in touch to say that a French teacher at her school

couldn't stand the smell of oranges, so banned everyone from eating them. Sans orange. And then Sarah remembers her, or Sarah, remembers her rifling through bins, looking through evidence of discarded peel. Wow. I hope she got the help she so dearly needed. Yeah, that is...

I hope she got the help she so dearly needed. Yeah, that is... That'd be a difficult one to offer an excuse for. Never banning of oranges. Yes. Where is she now? We've also got a parallel text in running, which is about your phone charger, which you worry has become less charged and more drain.

Yeah, my charger, and I've tested this, and also Sarah, the producer, tested it, that when you plug it in, it has a reverse effect, and you just watch the amount of charge in the battery go down. So the charger is, it's an anti-charger. Well, Ed from Shrewsbury has sent some, I think, potentially useful advice.

Re-Frank's phone. I always like a re. Mm-hmm. Re-Frank's phone. If it's an iPhone, check for pocket fluff up the charger. Check your own.

Same thing happened to mine. Micro-surgery with a cocktail stick will sort it. Really? Yes, I've done. I blow into my phone quite regularly. Do you not do that?

Yeah, but I don't do that, no. But I always think the people at Apple are all too busy listening to what I might buy next. Yeah. And I don't want to hurt their ears. But I don't see why fluff, pocket fluff up the jackplug, for instance, the title actually of my new album, pocket fluff up the jack would make it actually sock the electric... I can see why it doesn't charge, but to actually anti-charge?

Well, 682 has another theory. I think there might be something supernatural going on, that's why. Oh, I like that yours has to be special. Yeah. Are you sure it was a charger frank i have a i have a charger that has a sim card in it that is a listening device that needs charging and then it runs for three days unplugged on the floor someone could be ringing your charger and listening to your conversations to get stuff for heat magazine other magazines are available

he has a charge i think it might be a she. Although I don't know. It sounds like it might be. They call themselves Tuppence, which I'm not sure is some... I don't know what gender that could be. No. That's a nickname isn't it? Okay. It sounds like it could be Lex Luthor. The amount of kit they've got.

I've never heard of such a thing. I just want to emphasise, this is not a charger that doesn't work it's a charger that's doing the opposite of what it is paid to do yeah which is a description of some gigs that I've had but that's a different story well you know that's yeah exactly

we can't go there he seems to have depressed us shout out to Halifax New Year's Eve New Year's Eve Oh come on New Year's Eve is always a tricky gig Come on darling We've all got disasters in our back catalogue

If you know what I mean Ring at the old ring in the new 121 Who's one of our regulars His charger did exactly the same thing On Monday morning As yours He said he was hung over to hell Charger did exactly the same thing on Monday morning as yours.

He said he was hung over to hell. He asked the IT department at work, and their advice was turn it on and off. Oh, no. Of course. No, it genuinely was. He said it was the old favourite, and he said, hey, presto, it was back on charge.

I wonder if that would work for the hangover as well. Turn it on and off again? Yeah. You know when people, like, die for five seconds or something on there? If you did that, I wonder if when you came back, your hangover would be gone and you'd generally be, you know, feel very rebooted. Well, my... Best not try it, if anyone...

My comedy bumped to the head last night in your theatre when I had the sort of bump on my head that a cartoon character has after a fight immediately. It sprouted. And Alan Sprite advice, work wonders. I really do recommend that. A cold can. It has to be Sprite, I would say, but I mean other drinks.

Cold Sprite on the head. At home, if I'm injured I tend to if it needs an ice pack I go for frozen peas because you can melt them around whatever the injury is. That's a classic, yeah. But Frank I went to him

because of the Kung Fu. I knew he'd know. Don't tell me that Kung Fu Kung Fuers don't get a blow to the head now and again. Injury's a way of life I would have thought for the mat.

Who's come in with black eyes on many occasions? Grapple fans. Yeah. No, it's a good man to have around in an emergency. I've often said that. We've now got to the stage where I don't even correct you about what martial art I actually do. I'm just letting it all happen.

Well, you know, I don't know the ins and outs. It's fine. We've got the general. Yeah, it's fine. It's a little bit frightening. Who cares? I don't care. It is, yeah.

It's not. But the guys use expert timing. Oh, that. Yeah, so, you know, relax. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. We were discussing your birthday sweatshirt with the venerable bead.

I should put a picture of that probably on social media. I'll do that thing. You know when people put a charity T-shirt on over the top of their shirt? It looks a bit rubbish. Tori MP at the school, Faye. I know. Yeah, I'll have to do that. So I might not do it for the justice.

Very David Mellor. We caused a little confusion. 957 has said, Dear Frank, Emily and the venerable cockerel. Was slightly confused initially by the concept of a bead sweatshirt. They've spelt bead B-E-A-D there. Oh, I see.

I had visualised you, Frank, wearing a garment entirely fabricated from the sort of beads that achieved popularity in the 90s as car seat covers. Yeah, that would be good. Excuse me, I would say they're a 70s thing. All self-respecting cab drivers used to use them.

The image of you wearing a bead shirt is one that will stay with me forever. Dulwich John. Yeah, well, I'm going out with this cabbie and he likes to sit on my lap. So I wear... I bought this bead... It's fine in your community. Yeah, I bought this bead garment that goes down to my knees and it works a treat.

Also, when we go for a service, I wear a very thin plastic see-through smock. Yeah. You know that thing they put on so that they don't get your seat dirty? I love that. Do you know... Thinnest plastic in the world. I've often hankered after one of those bead seats.

Oh, yeah. I've heard they're fabulous for your back. Really? Is that true? That's why they love the cabbies. But what worries me is that I can't... I mean, people will be hailing me down all the time. Oh, right, if you've got one of those. Do you all think I'm at car service?

See, I'm not convinced that they do anything, those bead seats. If any drivers are listening and could enlighten us, read the entire point of the beads. What do you think? It's largely decorative. I don't accept osteopaths as well as drivers because they would surely know whether or not there's any point. Yeah, there's often... There'd be osteopaths who drive almost certainly.

Almost. Are you suggesting that the purpose of them is decorative? Well, I always think of that plastic, silver plastic thing that used to hang from the back bumper, which supposedly earthed the car, thus preventing travel sickness. And that never convinced me. I think there might be a lot of motoring hokum

based on various things that do stuff and don't do stuff. And I put... No, no, I'm saying what is the... But there's a difference between the car urban myth and their motives for buying that. Surely we can be very clear about why these people... I think the motive is if you drive for a long time, it stops you getting a stiff back.

I think that is clear. You don't believe it. Well, I'd love to find out. I'd also like to find out if that thing, that tail, like a sort of tortoise tail that hung from the back of the car stops anyone being travel sick. I am dubious.

Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Three bead seats. I think it was in the first Terminator film where Arnie opened a car door, took one look at the bead seat

and ripped it out before getting in. Enough said. Oh. Nick 656. God, that rings a bell. Ocean's Eleven said at my school, Ella Van. So it's an Ella with Ocean's Ella Van.

Oh, OK. At my school, they banned string because Cat's Cradle got too competitive. Oh. 1941, school. It's funny, but my child, Buzz, has recently got into Cat's Cradle. His grandma bought him a Cat's Cradle kit,

which is basically string, or wool or whatever. But there's also a book with variations on Cat's Cradle that I didn't know existed. They've all got different names. Right. on Cat's Cradle that I didn't know existed. They've all got different names.

Right. Like, you know, the reduced output and names like that. Oh, okay. The Dark Peacock. And you form them differently, and he really got into it. Oh, really? So maybe there's, you know... Lovely gift. I remember our mutual friend Adrian Charles Frank

said that his parents, I think not that long ago, got him a ball of string for his birthday. How long was it? I don't know. That's what everyone needs to know, sure. But I said, oh, that's an interesting gift. You know, the Croatian. I'm quite sure the two were linked.

Did it reach as far as Croatia? It was a wave if you do come, makes you find your way back. Was there a cup on each end? It's a great thing. I got string at the draw last night to make a small parachute at home for a sort of physics experiment I was doing with my child. And there's something, getting string out feels like you're really,

you're going below the surface of the modern world and going back to the very basics of life. String, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, that's Frank's string theory for his scientists out there. Yeah, hey, 35. 082 has said, Morning team, I was the first boy at my Catholic boarding school

to get my ear pierced. This was not allowed, so I regularly got my ear in confiscated. So I bought a box of coloured drawing pins and would put one of those in instead. When I was asked to remove it and it was taken away, I would simply replace it with one of a different colour. Very frustrating for the monks.

Yeah. I think things that are frustrating for the monks. Yeah. I think things that are frustrating for the monks would be a long list. Different childhood. I didn't have the courage to have mine here so I used blue tack. Did you? Yeah. It's alright.

Lovely. It's alright. I want to talk about something boys because I know, Frank, you often lament the sort of, the passing of milk as a drink. Do you know what I mean? It's seen as a sort of, it's virtually extinct. When you go to people's house now and you say you can have a cup of tea, they go goats or soya. Yeah, no, what it used to be, though, is people, I would get in from school and I would, my mum would give me a glass of milk.

Yes. And I would no sooner think now of drinking a glass of milk than I would of drinking a glass of courgette juice. It seems a really weird... I have it in tea, obviously, but to have a glass of it

seems so retro. Yeah. But that's what's interestingly, it's become not so in China, where milk is going viral. People love a bit of milk. And that's because I believe it... Is it rice milk? No, it used to be dairy milk, they like.

They're getting into dairy milk. Everything would suggest rice milk in China, wouldn't you have thought? So I'm drinking rice milk in North London, and the Chinese are drinking cow's milk. The world's gone upside down. It has absolutely upside down. They love the milk. And as a result of this, they've been appointing celebrity ambassadors,

the sort of state dairies. And you may have heard about this, they've been appointing celebrity ambassadors, the sort of state dairies. And you may have heard about this, boys. We've had two royal endorsements. One, Peter Phillips. 15th in line to the throne, Princess Anne's son. Master Peter Phillips. Master Peter Phillips. Remember him? Emily just put some cake

in her mouth whilst in the middle of an anecdote on the video. That's good. Thank you. It was an eccentric act, mid-sentence. Don't cake shame me. It's one of those moments. You know when your hand... Don't cake shame me.

Your hand goes a bit rogue and just starts doing stuff on its own, like putting cake in your hand. Maybe you two might like to join in. Yes. Well, the thing is, I'm getting tremendous pressure to stop talking altogether from the producer. I like your flying in the face of that advice,

eating cake, talking about... I mean, it's gone completely rebellious. I don't like this, Link. I feel a bit done in. Go to the music. Let's reboot. Yes, let's. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radar. Absolute Radar would be a brilliant thing if there's another war. I'd be proud to be associated with that. It'd be a brilliant thing. Good moment. You can text the show on 8-12-15. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. Did I mention that?

8.12.15. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email the show via the Absolute Radio website. It's beyond me, that read. Simply beyond me. You have to accept some things are beyond you. We've been discussing Peter Phillips, is it? Peter Phillips.

Master Peter Phillips. Is it Master? Master. 15th in line to the throne. I don't know where that's come from, but when he was a child, I seem to remember Master Peter Phillips was used quite a lot because he didn't have a royal title.

And I think people were slightly fascinated that there was someone in the royal family who whilst didn't have a title and was at school was Master Peter Phillips. But that was how, like when we had to write thank you letters, if it was a child we had to write them to Master.

Yeah. Do you remember that? Buzz still gets letters to Master by Collins. I love that. I like the Master. Yeah. I'm not going to lie, I hadn't heard of this guy until this story was in the papers. I didn't know.

The son of Princess Anne. You have heard of him. No, I haven't. I've never heard of him. I'm not on top of the 15th in line to the throne. Yeah, but you know Princess Anne's children, don't you? In fact, it wasn't until last week that I realised that Harry was 6th in line. But did you know Princess Anne had children?

No. I feel like what they... I feel like the papers want a story about Harry, but they're begrudgingly accepting a story about Philip. It reminds me of David Beckham's Metatarsal. Peter Phillips. Peter Phillips.

Peter Phillips, you're right, not Philip. But I think it feels a bit like they want to write a story about something else, but they're sort of making do with this. Well, I was really happy to hear about Master Peter Phillips. I hadn't heard of him for such a long time. MPP? You've been wondering how he was? I'm glad that he isn't trying to start a coup somewhere in West Africa.

It just sounds like he's... Do you know what? MPP, as we call him now, he's just doing his milk. What are you up to, MPP? Just got the milk. Flogging milk. So we should say he does a milk advert in China. Now, this comes from a whole tradition, I think. Yes.

There used to be a time when I first started going abroad which would be in the 90s you'd go like to Italy and you'd be watching the adverts on the Italian telly and Dustin Hoffman would be advertising cut your own hair combs.

It's often whiskey. They love a whiskey ad. And the theory is... Sean Connery on whiskey ads in Japan or something. And they say, well, I'll do them in foreign countries and no one will know. It's a very pre-internet kind of a concept. Yes, you're right. It was almost like I can take the check

without the consequences. Not so anymore. Now, MPP, maybe it's not online, and still thinks that one can keep this. One. Good use of one. Yeah. Well, it used to get a thing. It's got the lingo very well, hasn't it?

With MPP. He's in character. There was a period when footballers, when we first started getting footballers from overseas in their droves coming into British football, they would often do interviews with newspapers in their own country. I'm not talking about countries along. I'm talking like Spain. And they'd slag off the manager thinking, well, you'll never find out about this because this is in a different country.

So I think mpp has been misled about the whole global village concept we're on to you we know we've even on earth daniel d lewis i remember even did one of those no i'm sure he did imagine the prep oh yeah three years for the schweps advert. Yeah, he lived as a Jersey cow for three years. False eyelashes, the works. It ruined, his bowels were ruined forever. Bringing you on Absolute Radio. So, we're talking about milk.

MPB. Oh, yeah, milk. Can I just say, 15th in line to the throne. I know we've mentioned this already, but I was 6th in line at a Pret-a-Manger the other day. Oh, yeah. And I just turned on my heel and left. And I was hungry.

Funnel queue. So imagine waiting your whole life for being 15th, knowing you're not going to get the gig well you might it's possible and at least no but what I'll say

is at least with the funnel queue you have a chance of a very quick jumping possibly to 5th in the queue yeah within minutes

not so with the well you know when you go to a cafeteria no oh well yes

love it there's this thing that sometimes you think well I'm having Well, you know when you go to a cafeteria? No. Oh, well. Yes. Love it. There's this thing that sometimes you think, well, I'm having stuff from the glass boxes. I'm having a sandwich. So the people getting the hot food, I'm going to go round them and go to the hot drinks. And sometimes they really don't like it. They don't like it.

But, you know, that's just, that's cafeteria living. Yeah. And I wonder if Master Peter Phillips could have a bit of an example of that. Good point. I'm assuming now, I could be wrong, I haven't read anything about this, is Harry still in line for the throne

or has he given that up? No, no, he's given that up. So everyone moves down, so presumably he's moved up a place. Well, hang on, no, he's given that up. So everyone moves down, so presumably he's moved up a place. Well, hang on, of course he's given it up. You can't, if you're not a royal, if you're stepping down from the royal family, this, yeah. If he gets

Clowsh, surely. If two or three of them went down suddenly, I think you'd find he might reassess. This is a bit like when they took Tour de France's off Lance Armstrong, and then they realised the rest of the line-up were drug cheats as well and so there's just some years that haven't won. What about when you found out about Lance Armstrong?

It was a dark day for us there. Very upset. I believed his book. I know, you were a denier. He said he wasn't a drug cheat in his book and I went, oh, OK, he's not. I know, darling, but the evidence doesn't look good against him. Turns out he was a big fibber. He lied. He said it was one big lie.

I still have to challenge that as well. It was loads of big lies every day, Lance. I know. Anyway, don't get me started. Hello, Lance. Just in case he's listening, I'm still furious with you. Al, have you seen the Master of Peter Pertz? His book is not about the bike, he's right.

It wasn't about the bike. You're going to have to let Lance go. I interviewed... He's done his time. Was it Shania Twain who he... Yes. I interviewed her and she was a lovely

wasn't it Cheryl Crow what's Cheryl Crow they're basically the same person she's in a pod yeah and she was lovely Cheryl Crow

yeah and when he when he finished with her that put me off him right so Lance Armstrong there that's his reputation ruined.

For reasons you wouldn't have expected. Master Peter Phillips in the ad, which I've seen several times. Oh, me too. It's compulsive views. Shall we discuss? I've got a few things. Please. Here's the things I'd like to discuss.

I suspect Emily's going to get forensic. I want to get forensic. Tell me where you want to go, Frank. I put forward to you Butler with silver platter. Yes. Well, that's what I think, you know, you've got to accept that the Chinese will have a certain view of royalty. Large gates open.

There's that sort of music which I would call royal music. Gates open, there's a stately home. and then there's MPP. Carriage. I think there's a bit of this that's just give them what they want. They want to see him with a butler. Like you didn't walk on last night and not do loads of good jokes. That's what we wanted and then you did it. Look, I'm all for, Jim Tavare plays, the comedian plays a butler in some advert for, I think it's for gold. Right.

You know when people now in daytime telly advertise gold, I mean like you would think gold is a fairly established thing that didn't need to push itself. Relax, gold. It's all right. People buy rings and earrings. People sat around at the gold place thinking, I don't know, I think we're going,

we need to get ourselves out there a bit more. Do you think they sit there and they think, oh, diamond again. First they had the Bond film. They've been everywhere. It's a bit similar. American goes, it's sort of reverse. It says there's one thing we love in America

and that's British gold coins. And I thought, really? I think they sit in the band meeting, Frank, and they think, look, the Tony Hadley song was a long time ago. Yeah, exactly. Come on. We need a bit of an update.

And it's a brilliant thing. I love this advert. Do you? I want to hug Master Peter Phillips. Well, we need to discuss this. He's quite handsome as well, I think to discuss this he's grown up quite handsome as well I think who says he's

grown up he's about 40 isn't he well last time I saw him he was 8 in a navy blazer with gold buttons

of course of course but you know his dad was quite I'm getting big pressure from the producer but his dad

was quite handsome so you know the apple doesn't fall very far whatever it is. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Yeah, so, Master Peter Phillips, can I just say?

Yes. He's in an advert where he starts off, I think, with a glass of milk, which is drinks, and then there's a Chinese voiceover, which I think says, like, he's a member of the royal family and all that. Obviously, I can't understand the Chinese voiceover. Yours is slid, hasn't it, your Chinese?

Is there such a language as Chinese? No, I believe it's Mandarin. It's all Mandarin, Cantonese, yeah. But do you know any Mandarin or Cantonese? I know only one bit, which I've published inside, because I think it's abusive to Westerners. Oh, lovely. I was taught it.

I went out with a woman who grew up in Hong Kong, and she taught me this phrase. And then I heard someone use it in a Chinese restaurant. They think of me. But anyway. Yes. There is a moment of English in it when Master Peter speaks. And right at the end, I think they must have said to him,

can you say something that sort of sums up the whole advert in a brief soundbite? And at the end, instead of saying, oh, milk, I love milk, best drink of the day, he says, this is what I drink. Yes. Yes, we got that. Not only have we seen you drinking at least two glasses of it, but when he takes a bottle of milk out the fridge, the whole door of the fridge is crammed with other bottles of milk.

That's all he's got. It's like he's got a shelf life, isn't it? Can I just say, if he's got the butler in the stately home, long leet, didn't get permission, FYI. Is that right? That's all kicked off. It was a green screen. When he gets the butler, the Ferrero Rocher butler,

who presumably says, your milk's at her, bottle on silver tray, not a good look he then later is seen opening the fridge well firstly why didn't he call the butler well maybe they have a night off they always have a night off he's got an addiction to the milk and he's having to do the it looked a bit furtive because it was too much milk well Well, the amount of milk... I think there was two or three pieces of fruit in there, but everything else was milk. And is he, in the advert, pretending to be a farmer? Is that one of the things that happens?

No, no, no. I think he's pretending. Because he sat on a farm at one point, isn't he? There's a bit that's outdoor... I think that's bringing in the cow idea. No, the cow... We cut to the cows after we've seen the royal, the replica of the Queen's carriage. A bit rude. Yeah.

And then we see him in the dinner jacket asking for the glass of milk. Milk crazy. Before the night out to line the stomach with the rugby friends, maybe. That's a good idea, actually. The last time he was in the public eye he only drank milk then as well.

Frank Skinner Absolute Radio Of course many of the Chinese are lactose intolerant so it's quite insensitive. Well I've always thought one of the things that people used to say about the Chinese being healthier than Oslo

is that they have very little dairy in their diet. But then, not only is Master Peter at it, but Kitty Spencer, who's the something of Princess Diana, the niece of Princess Diana. The niece of Princess Diana. He's also advertising Chinese milk. But a rival. Yeah, the rival.

Amazing. So she's William's cousin, okay? Okay. Effectively. I'd say this is a family dispute up there with Adidas and Puma, Rudolph and Adidasler. Yeah? Yeah, that was a good one. That's one of my favourite ever family disputes. Oh, Rudolph and Adidasler. Yeah? Yeah, that was a good one. That's one of my favourite ever family

decisions. Oh, I love that fallout. Have you fallen out over this Christmas? It's a long story, Dad. She's not Royal Kitty. She's a lady. Are you familiar with the work of Viscount Oldtrop, I believe you call it? No. Oldthorp. You do. You remember him?

No. Viscount Oldthorp. Yes, youthorp. You do. You remember him. No. If I can, Althorp. It's hard to keep track. Yes, you do. Diana's brother. You remember he famously gave a speech. Yes, that's him. This is his daughter. Oh, okay.

Okay. Well, that's fine. Oh, she's launching sateen jersey milk. It's called. Also Chinese, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And it's called. Also Chinese, though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And it's very big.

You see, I believe milk is seen in China as, because it was banned, well, it's not banned, but it was scarce during Mao's time. Was it really? Yeah, I believe so. Well, the cows were working rather than just eating grass and then being milked. Yes.

Is that right? They were working. So as a result, it's the law of scarcity. It's now seen as a symbol of modernity and progress. And so I think schools are given free milk, much like us in the 70s and 80s. I'm going to write a book about this change in Chinese society. I'm going to call it Chairman Mu.

Excellent work. Well, she is described in the advert, and I know one can lose a little in the translation from a difficult language that's very unfamiliar, like Chinese. Yeah. She's apparently described as British noble member. Yeah. British noble member is strange.

But that's what Kitty is described as. She's a model. She does work elsewhere. She's a model member of the royal family. She gave a quote. She went a bit further than I drink this or whatever Master Peter Phillips said. This is what I drink.

This is what I drink. He delivered sorry, yeah, this is what I drink. I get it right. That was so different. He delivered it in a sort of hostage situation. Yeah, he did, yeah. Evidence of survival, day 15. Anyway, she said the day of the royal family usually begins with a cup of milk or a cup of tea. Yeah, now, I spoke on this show only last week

that whenever cold fluids are put in a cup or a mug, that seems wrong. They have to be in a glass. And so the idea of the Royal Family having a cup of milk, oh, no. That's the sort of thing the neighbour used to come round for when I was a kid.

Can I borrow a cup of milk till tomorrow? Because they have no milk for their tea. Also, did they all start their day with a cup of tea or milk? I don't know. Tea, I can believe. I can believe that. Yeah, I think Princess Margaret may be some different drink. Cup of milk, that was for me the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now I think the royal family lead a really different life from the rest of us. Why? Because they drink cups of milk on a morning, but everything else I was prepared to go along with. They shouldn't do that. A cup of us. Why? Because they drink cups of milk on a morning but everything else I was prepared to go along with but the cup of milk is a bridge too far. Can I say something

controversial put it out there? Go on. I think It's been fun doing this show. I think adults that drink milk

are rather creepy. Oh well in that case I'm creepy then. I think a glass of milk a male an adult male drinking a glass of milk it's a bit Norman Bates. Well, when I did the Charles Atlas bodybuilding course, which I did...

No, no, no, we need a pause after that. We just need to let this sink in. I did a thing called the Charles Atlas bodybuilding course, which was one of these things where they send you, what do they call them, correspondence courses? Oh, yeah, I remember. They send you these things, and the advert, he would say, you too can have a body like mine.

Yeah. He was a very well-built man. And so I, I was 14, and I thought, well, I'd quite like a body like that. So I set about this three-month course, but many ways for life, but certainly three months intensive. And, well, I'm going to give you the details after this. This is Frank Skinner.

This is Absolute Radio. This thing of advertising stuff like milk and gold. Yeah. Things that you wouldn't think would need advertising. I appreciate that the milk is like branded milk, so it's a company advertising. But they used to, when I was a kid, they would just advertise stuff like milk as milk.

Like the milk marketing. There was a thing, a pint of per person per day, which wasn't favouring any company. It was literally an advert for milk. Was it state milk though? Surely there was a state thing. Anyway, let's not get into it. It might have been

state milk, of course. 500 has asked, Frank, did the Charles Atlas plan include having to use the rather useless yet dangerous chest expander? Well, most of it. Most of it. I did have a ball worker as well later, which was another attempt to get rid of my terrible sunken chest,

my pirate physique. Yes, I forgot the Charles Atlas. Well, one of the things... I was subtly prompting you using five zeros. It was lovely work, that, actually. One of the things I was going to... that you did was milk week, when you continued your exercises.

This was the system that was called dynamic tension. Yes. But that week... It's so cruel the way they con these people. That week, you just had eight pints of milk every day. Eight a day? Eight a day, and you didn't eat anything else. You lived on milk.

Yeah. And this was going to give your metabolism the kickstart that it needed. Did you try that? Oh, yeah, I did. What effect did it have? Well, I can't describe the effect that it had on my... Not on Breakfast Radio. Ah, yes, I think I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, but as you can see, it didn't have a big effect on my physique. The other thing was the air bath. When you take all your clothes off and lie naked, and you just lie naked, and then you get a towel and dry yourself off and get dressed again. So you bathed in air rather than water. I know. Sorry, isn't that just lying down?

Yes, but lying down naked, which I wouldn't normally do. Yeah. And the other thing, which I think I've mentioned before, is when I went to bed at night, what I had to do was put a couple of wet flannels in the fridge on a tea plate, as I recall. And then when I woke up the next morning I'd take these flannels, I'd slam

one on the small of my back and the other one on my private parts and that was to kickstart me for the day. Yeah. None of this is scientifically supported that I know of, guys, if any of you are in training. Charles Atlas. We've got any potential Rockies listening. Sorry, he's coming in, he's got some of you are in training. Charles Atlas. We've got any potential Rockies listening.

Sorry, he's coming in, he's got some hot gossip off the press about Charles Atlas. This news just in, Charles Atlas. He was not an obscure, he was in every comic and magazine. I mean, lots of people did the dynamic tension. Charles Atlas, apologies. I'm not saying he was one of the good guys, but he got a fabulous physique.

He was a big business, Charles Atlas. He had the world at his feet. He did. Lovely. Heavy load, though. Heavy load he carried. What happened to Charles Atlas, I wonder? I wonder if he was actually called Charles Atlas. He might have

assumed that now. Anyway, maybe we'll do more Atlas chat. Let's call it Chatless. Lovely. Next week. Anyway, thank you so much for listening to us this morning. If the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out!