The Frank Skinner Show - Applause Withdrawl

Episode Date: September 19, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank was interviewed by Emily and was upset by the football. The team also discuss their favourite motorways, Ronaldo’s engagement ring and liquid gold.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. My son asked me if Andrew Marr was rich when he was on the telly the other day. You could have said about everyone who's on the telly. I know, I said, I think we should nip this in the bus.

Well, actually, I used to ask that. My father once told me that was the only question I would ask. I would say, is he rich and does he like children? Oh, that's nice. We used to, if my dad was about to turn off something off the telly that we wanted to watch, we'd say, he's a good Catholic, of course. My dad, we managed to convince my dad.

I think my dad, actually, he always maintained that Muhammad Ali was a good Catholic. Despite quite a lot of evidence. Yeah, quite a lot of evidence. But I think he thought someone that good. Oh, dear. I noticed Ross Buchanan was on before me, I think. Thank you, Ross, for the show.

And he played Life on... Were they supposed to do that? He's supposed to thank the producer. It's just not very you. No, I like it. I like the idea of being in some fabulous radio relay where the baton is passed on from presenter to presenter. Also, Al, do you like the way he goes on Sotto Voce?

He says, Ross Buchanan. Yeah, well, you know, come keep me intimate. Also, 11 years into doing radio, he starts thanking the previous show. I can't thank them all. Some of them are no longer with us. Some of the previous ones. I don't mean, not with absolute

I don't think anyone has actually passed it. They had to do. I mean there's a few who've disappeared. Anyway, Rui Ross Buchanan. Yeah, he played Life on Mars by David Bowie. Now, Life on Mars has long been, every time it's played,

every time I hear it, I always think that's a great song. You know, sometimes songs, even amazing songs, sort of fade. Some of the Nirvana stuff, which I always thought was a masterpiece, just in recent years, I've heard it enough now. But Life on Mars, and yet I saw it on the list, on the absolute listings, it has never occurred to me before that Life

on Mars has got a question mark in the title. Oh. So, I've been saying it wrong my whole life. It should be Life on Mars. Yeah, my whole life. It should be. Life on Mars. Yeah, that's good.

So from now on. Also, can I just say that was a good bit of acting when you did that. Thanks very much. It made me wonder. When you have one of your little auditions, Frank, that would be a good... I'm just saying as a friend. I don't really get those. You do, Frank? People love your work you did that American didn't you

that was a nice read you did I think unless they do Roy Hodgson the biopic I don't think I don't think I'll be the human face is it's unwatchable it's a certain

vintage I think it's unwatchable. It's a certain vintage. I think it's best left. People don't want it in their life. No. General director of the BBC. I woke up this morning, there was something tickling my face. And my hair is longer nowadays. If you look at the trailer for my poetry podcast, you'll see.

But it was on my face and I thought there was a possibility it could be a cobweb. That's when you know things are getting bad. I actually slept for a week, woke up covered in cobwebs. Horrible thought. Anyway, what else is happening? I'd like to share something with you both. Oh, is it sweet?

No. Okay. This is a missive we had in from Mindy. And I found this rather heartwarming. Sorry, there's one thing I've got to do here. Mmm. Mmm. Dopey me.

Sorry, I had to do a Mork and Mindy thing. That was for any Gen Zers or Millennials. That was a Mork and Mindy reference. I'm sorry, Mindy, because she must get that a lot. I reckon. Well, from the tone of Mindy's email, I think she'd appreciate it, because she sounds... I love Mindy.

She sounds like fun, fun, fun. Spoiler alert, I'm a big fan of Mindy's. Listen to this. Hi, FEA. Yesterday at work, I was called into an office and told that I'm up for redundancy, which was a real shock. As I was listening to the explanation,

my eyes wandered over to a map on the wall of London and the home counties and rested on Coulsdon. And I nearly burst out laughing. After that, I felt like I could be Coulsdon about the whole thing. Praise Redacted. Should I say, we decided

last week that Coulsdon... We? We! In Pulp Fiction, I think Samuel L. Jackson's character decides that cool and the gang is the way you say things are cool. So I've gone for Caulston as our own version. How lovely that we could help Mindy's moment of sadness. She'll bounce back, I'm confident of that.

Yeah. I won't after Caulston. You know our new slogan? Mindy-pendent. that yeah i won't after colston you know our new slogan mindy pendant we quite often do stuff where we respond to things that people would message in like on the day like um you know or even last week with um with mindy interaction that's that's the name of the game some of it goes back a bit further. I've got an email here. Just listening to an episode of the podcast from 28th of September

2019. Discussed was who called who Mr. Fahrenheit. It came to me in a flash. Was it a nickname for Mr. Mercury as in the stuff in thermometers used to measure temperature? That's good.

I really hope so. Does anybody know what we're talking about here? Yes, in Don't Stop Me Now by Queen, he said that they call me Mr Fahrenheit. I always thought it was from his days when he went to the military logical office and they all had nicknames. Mr. Warm Front. Is it quite sort of carry on? Mr. Fahrenheit. Yeah. But Mercury, that is a good wet and windy. Is that the sort

of thing you think? Yeah, exactly. I'm always a bit shocked actually. Whenever the news comes on Absolute, they do the weather. Cat Wright, I think it is. Oh, yeah? Because I always think of Bonanza when she says her name, because Bonanza, the popular Western series from the late 60s,

the family were called the Cartwrights, and I always think, oh, so close. Right. And she'll say it's going to be 22 degrees today or whatever, 71 Celsius, and I always think, who's that for? Mm-hm. Who's sitting at home saying, never mind that what celsius is it gonna be well it's difficult isn't it when these things change by the way that email was from jim and they had um having read frank and emily's fantastic autobiographies surely it's time for the cockerel to complete the triumvirate. That would be good. The cockerel crows.

I think I heard... It's got to happen. I think I heard on Radio 4 once when I was pottering about, I used to have Radio 4 on in the car, and they said, I think it was of Freud, maybe Lucien, who said that they have no biography.

They said... And I thought, oh, I feel a bit like that sometimes. I feel a bit too beige to... Well, I think creatives... Mm-hm. I think W.A. Jordan, the poet, said that he wasn't a man who did things, he was a man who thought things. All right. Oh, well, that's good. I'm in good company.

Oh, that's nice. Having said that, I've read a couple of his autobiographies and he did quite man who did things. He was a man who thought things. All right. Oh, well, that's good. I'm in good company. Oh, that's nice. Having said that, I've read a couple of his autobiographies and he did quite a lot of things. I can see why he didn't want them in print. Oh, my goodness. Good Catholic, though. He wasn't actually.

I'm going to be doing that a lot. Was he a bad Catholic? Was he a Catholic? No, he was an Anglican. Oh, OK. It's OK. Nowadays, I'll take that. Chris Q, what was it?

Lapsed up to the eyeballs, dear. Lapsed up to the eyeballs. Chris Q has been in touch. Whatever happened to honking your car horn at couples kissing on the pavement as you drive past? I did it today and it was immensely enjoyable. Haven't done it since 1998. I'm not aware of that.

I mean, I've occasionally muttered get a room. Yeah, but I can't. That's because you live in Manchester. In London, they can't get a room. Get a room at your parents' house. No, well, They can't get a room. Get a room at your parents' house. Well, I don't know that.

I like the idea of it, so it's slightly intrusive. But it is a sort of warm-hearted, ah, you know, love, ha-ha, you characters. It's got a bit of that about it. I was at the bus stop once, and a couple started, I'm going to say snogging. They were really very heavily involved and they started leaning on me and i became aware the fact that if i moved they would have both

fallen to the ground they must have thought i was some sort of support strut what did you do then i just stood there embarrassed i could feel their hearts their their twin hearts beating in my shoulder muscle did you miss your bus when it came? No, no, luckily it was the sort of bus stop where only one bus came, so we all got on it together. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it was the closest I'd been to any amorous activity for about four years.

Oh, gosh. Friendship on Absolute Radio. Hank, can I share something with you, which is a callback to... As long as it's not a hypodermic needle, yes. It's good to have a rule. I thought we've got to have rules in life. I thought we'd moved on from that period in our lives. You asked recently what makes you feel empowered.

I don't know if you literally asked that, but you shared a moment. I was talking about when I stood up on a bus and opened the windows. It was a bit stuffy, and I really felt like there was a lot of pressure on me that everyone was staring at me, but I just went and I did it like a mighty, like Marconi inventing whatever he invented.

Radio? Yeah. This medium that we're on. Yeah, that. Thanks, Marconi. Well, Jim Baxter had a similar experience to you. Jim Baxter? Jim Baxter?

Rangers in Scotland, in Sunderland, the man who sat on the ball against England. Jim has this to say. Similar, putting the blind down on the train to block intense sunlight when the window spans several seats, it makes me feel like a free-thinking pioneer willing to stand apart from the common herd

who all secretly want the blind down but are lost in bourgeois timidity. Well, that's beautifully put i'm not is that from alexis sale i'm not going on about the bourgeois dictionary no i love that jim i'm not i'm not 100 that he is um correct i think what happens often is you do that and four people want it down and the other two are thinking i didn't want that. And that guy's gone up and done it. But as I said to my partner recently, it's hard to achieve anything in life

without being hated by someone. Was it a Chairman Mao quote? No, it was me. It was me. I'm not very good on that. I don't think I could do a Chairman Mao. Even if you offered me £50 now for a Chairman Mail quote, I'm not sure

I could come up with one. I've thought of a couple of times that I've felt very empowered in life. I've only done this maybe twice in life but it's a good thing when I do do it and that is pull up at the traffic lights

and tell somebody if they've only got one brake light left. Oh, yes. All right, Grace Jones. It makes me feel like a good citizen. It makes me feel like a marshal. Like a marshal of the road. Just keeping an eye... A bit marshal, ready to start.

Keeping an eye on everything. Do you know what I mean? Well, on that note, Al, Andrew Sharp has got in touch. Oh, yeah. Saying, you're reversing lights, not on. No. He might be a relative of Pat.

In which case, he'd be saying, woo, woo. Do you remember that was Pat Sharp's jingle? Oh, was it? It used to say, Pat Sharp, woo, woo. I don't remember that. Andrew Sharp says, in terms of what makes you feel empowered, he's responded to that. Waving someone who's driving a van or lorry into a parking spot.

Yes. Oh, come on. I don't know if I'd ever got to do that anymore, I think. Anymore? Yeah, I used to do it but now i think people people have got more hostile yeah and i think they might take it as an insult in some way i am i tell you when i i don't do this but i see people and you know when i say some people hate you for doing things like that? I'm a man who, I follow rules. As I've said on here before, I think,

I don't think I've ever eaten an after eight mint before eight o'clock. That's the kind of guy I am. And I stop, if the green man isn't green, I stop. Right. You know, I wait for it to go green, so I can cross. and green, I stop. Right. You know, I wait for it to go green,

so I can cross. And some people absolutely delight in getting across on the red man while you're... And I've seen people do it and they really look like, I don't run with the herd. Look at me. Look at me crossing on the red man.

Look at you, losers. It's people like me that change the world they really look so full of themselves and of course I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me

that didn't want a motorbike to come round the corner and knock them over but they really make you feel like a like a fool and

I don't wait I don't wait for orders yeah okay Frank Skinner on And I don't wait for orders. Yeah. Okay. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Did I tell you I was watching the Ken Burns Country Music documentary series? Brilliant.

I don't know if you told us on air or off air. I think I did say on air, and it was brilliant. And they did a bit about Johnny Cash dying. And I cried when Johnny Cash died, but I cried all over again watching it on this thing. And not only did I cry, but I did make a noise crying. I did that level of crying at this Johnny Cash thing. And I did think, wouldn't it be a lovely text in? What celebrity death would make you do, make a noise crying?

Do you think? Oh, I've got so many. Do you think? I'd like to offer up. I don't have many left now, you see. I'd like to offer up Alan Bennett. Oh, OK. Thank you.

OK. And Mother went to Rippon I'm welling up now on the thought of it don't mother said how old was Churchill

I said when yeah so any celebrity deaths that would make you do make a noise crying Bob Dylan of course

Tom Baker off the top of my head and any doctor who of course this is a lovely topic Maybe we shouldn't do it Morning everyone I'm tearing it down, it was a mistake

We had a little meeting this week, didn't we? I didn't want you to feel left out, Al You've both got biographies You've both been meeting up It was the young people who've written biographies meeting. We had a big rendezvous, as they say in the Atkinson household.

Yeah. And it was, Emily interviewed me. It's always a bit odd when you're interviewed by someone you know well. Yeah. And now I'm going to do a little, can I do a little test on you, Al? Sure. We were interviewed for a sort of online conference organised by, so this company's organised in online conferences,

and it's sort of about, I suppose, publicising stuff on the internet. Now, they're called IAB. What's your guess that that stands for? We all sat around before trying to guess what it was. IAB. It's a bit of a hospital pass on life, right?

Internet Advice Bureau. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Very good. It's Internet Advertising Bureau. Oh, is it? I was really pleased I'd got Bureau. Oh, is it? But well done. I was really pleased I'd got Bureau. I could only think of two.

I could think of... I went with FBI, to be honest. Well, exactly. If you think Bureau, you think FBI. I like that you went Advice Bureau because that shows you're a child of the 70s. That's a very 70s concept, the Advice Bureau. But that's good because I'd forgot Citizens of...

I could only think of, in the bureaus, I could only think of Bureau de Change and the FBI, but you're quite right, citizens. What's your room? Any other obscure, any bureaus? 8, 12, 15. What's your favourite bureau? Famous bureaus.

Is it furniture, a bureau? Yes. What is it? Like a writing desk. Oh, okay. Lovely. Anyway, that was... I was learning all sorts today.

Weren't you? That was IAB. We went to a very... Where it took place, the IAB interview. So does that mean that we played... It wasn't just online. It was actually in person. No, we actually...

I don't know why. You met... No masks. Well, you know what surprised me um i mean it was very hipster the whole setup wasn't it well it was young media people it was young media in other words i think almost everyone i meet who works in the media is a slight modification of, I would say, 1984 Morrissey. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I think that particular style is stock, hasn't it?

People wearing glasses who you think maybe don't need glasses, you know what I mean? Right, yeah, yeah. What about when Frank... No, they were nice. I'm more drawn to 2020 Morrissey, but that's me. Yeah. What about when Frank Howe how we walked into the reception and there was all these speciality teas weren't there they had uh well except tea i don't think they had

what i would call tea well they had something we noticed there was a tea called the earl of grey and we decided that's what you'd get if you went to one of the Top Gear presenters' houses. So it's fancy, yeah, the Earl of Grey. But there was, what did I go for? I'll tell you exactly what you went for. You went for Feisty Turmeric Guru. Feisty? Not feisty.

Yeah, I say that. I'll tell you there's a reason why I say that and I'll explain in a minute. What a cliffhanger this turned out to be. That'll keep them listening. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. I think we were mid feisty. Feisty, feisty.

Yeah. Now, I'll tell you, well, this is the history. Gather round by the fireside. I wish this was set to acoustic guitar. I was in the bank once. This would have been mid to late 80s. And a gentleman attempted to push in front of me

this is in a North London suburb and I said excuse me there is a queue you know and he turned round to me and it was all sort of quite civilised but he broke that and he said

oh shut up you feisty cow oh that dates it doesn't it but it's one of these he's been he's been angry but i think he's got the pronunciation wrong no i was unsure of this word and then i remember my sister saying whoever knows what feisty means feisty was is a london slang term or was which means similar to feisty. It means basically, it's a bit more aggressive. So as a result, having grown up in London, I've always said feisty

and ignored the feisty correct pronunciation. Oh, okay. Okay, thank you. You made that whole thing up. No, I didn't. Okay, okay. Okay, I mean, we all make mistakes. There's no need to make some

some elaborate i promise you can check with my family oh do you know someone speaking of speaking of my sister speaking of that you feel bad that's cruel to bring that out um john john dillinger apparently when he was arrested they said why did why did you? And he said, that's where the money is. Fabulously logical. Yes, anyway. You were interviewed. I was interviewed. You were interviewed by Emily Dean.

Emily did a great job. And at the end of it, the young media people all applauded when we finished. Just in a studio. It was a bit... It was the proverbial, and as a stand-up, you'll know this, it was the streaky single-to-third man applause. Yeah. Oh, right.

You know what I mean? It was a thick edge. Oh. But I realised that during lockdown and the post-lockdown, semi-lockdown period, I've been slightly suffering from applause withdrawal. There has not been much applause in my life. And I realise now, when I heard that, you know,

it was a bit of a gateway drug for me. I thought, God, yeah, that's what I've been missing. Shall we? Is that what you're asking? No, don't do it now. I never like to ask for it. That's what I've been missing. Shall we? Is that what you're asking? No, don't do it now. I never like to ask for it. That's why I've been a music act. Get some of the off-air people to come in and just... Oh, do you know, there's nothing sadder than...

I find the studio, sometimes the radio studio applause, the ripple can be a bit tragic. Steve Wright in the afternoon when I was at school was one of my favourite things, so it's really funny. But it was... I got a notebook. Oh, great. Emily actually spoke up and said, can Frank have one of these notebooks?

Spoke up? It was a great moment. And I went out the next day and bought a propelling pencil. Even though I've got about four i just felt celebratory it was part of my own applause i spent nine quid on a propelling nine nine quid goodness does it propel though i just put it on the back of my kayak and we uh money to burn. We went off. There was some... There was an awkward moment, though, Al, when the makeup artist... I'm sure there was.

The makeup artist said... She was doing my hair and makeup, and she said, oh, would you like me to give your hair a touch-up, Frank? And I said, oh, that'd be nice, Frank. And Frank said, no. Oh, did you? Yes.

I think you have to, you know, you have to be who you are. So he was. Of which more later. Exactly. This is my midlife crisis do. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.

This is Frank Skinner with my life. I'm with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the radio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website. Frank, there's a perfume called My Way. I might go and have a smell of it. What do you think about wearing a perfume called My Way? I don't know. I'd only wear it i think if uh if it was no i'd never wear it it's a bit dishonest though isn't

it because if it is if you're gonna do things your way smell of yourself like really just smell of you do you know what i mean all right mate and also don't cover it up with some i don't know if there's anything more embarrassing on telly at the moment than Johnny Depp sitting on a prairie with an advert. Is it for Sauvage or something like that? Oh, is it? Oh, Sauvage, yeah. And it's just him looking intense.

And you think, it's perfume, mate. Yeah. Perfume, mate. Can you look a bit ashamed rather than intense? Do need more shame. Well, I happen to like perfume, but I'll leave you gentlemen to your cigars. It's all right for her to like you.

It brings up the question, how much money does a person need? I'm just glad we've moved on from Frank's woeful sounding my life on the radio. At the start of this link. My way. 559 has texted in.

You're running one of those oddball texts that you do. What other bureaus have you heard of? We've had writing bureau, but you were suggesting that the only bureaus you really knew were the Bureau de Change and... FBI. You came up with the Citizens Advice Bureau. Does it still exist, the CAB?

The CAB? Yeah. I think so. 559 has texted. Hi, Frank and Co. I have worked in a police fingerprint bureau for 16 years. Wow. When we integrated the footwear bureau... No, they didn't. We became the identification bureau.

We identify crime scenes marks of many kinds. That's from Natalie in Wakefield. So the footwear would be like when they do... Muddy footprints outside the bank. Oh, your classic footprint. Yeah, it's usually just outside the broken window, isn't it? Yeah, outside the house window. There's a sort of a Timberland boot print, size 10.

Yes. Yeah, that... Wow, that's exciting. Sounds like you've already identified the perp. I think I'm... What? The perp. The perpetrator.

I love a perp. He doesn't even realise how good he is at this. I wasn't familiar with that. Well, you get it more in the American procedural dramas, Frank. Yeah, you don't like the American stuff, do you? No. I'll tell you the sort of dramas Frank likes. He's like, oh, you're nicked, mate.

Well, well, well, what have we got here? I just watched Watchmen. So that is who watches the Watchmen, me. And I think it's the best television series. Obviously I exclude Dogs Who Wouldn't Match the Day. I mean, I think it's the best thing I've ever seen on the television. It completely

blew my mind. That's American. Yeah, but you like Merlin. I do. I love Merlin. You like Merlin. It's such a good verb, doesn't it? Yes, I often merl at the weekends

I'm a member of a merling club any other bureaus not so far there aren't that many are there don't think there are so many

that thing the crime scene stuff reminds me of when I organised a terrible terrible children's entertainment ukulele act

for my kids birthday party they were terrible terrible i remember the fallout from that and they also said we'll do the goodie bags and the goodie bags had like a sticker and one sweet and uh some uh some bubbles and i said it looked like the sort of bag that forensics take away from a crime scene, rather than a goodie bag. Frank, Dave O. Sidney... Dave O! I don't know if it's Dave O. Sidney, as in Daniel O'Donnell, or Dave O. Sidney, has pointed out that the Mortgage Advice Bureau is based in...

What is a mortgage? Well, personally... More of your relatable material. Frank, do you want to guess which area in London, Greater London, I'm calling it, it might be based in? The Mortgage Advice Bureau. Well, it's not to do with mortgage. It's just an area quite close to your heart.

Oh, I've got a guess. Go on, Al. Bank. Lovely guess. It's actually Colston. Oh, it's in Colston. Oh, that is Colston. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

667 Paul has said there's a new bar just opened in Litchfield called the Bureau so called because it is next door to Dr Johnson's birthplace had a drink there this week it's so cool because I'm guessing he wrote...

On a bureau. Yeah. No, calm on. I think that might be the tenuous link that he's going for. Calm on. I've had... I've got some lovely bureaus. Eddie O'Keefe.

My dad used to be the head of the Oxford Detective Bureau. That, again, sounds so cool, doesn't it? Did they only detect in Oxford? That's what I want to know. I suspect so. Endeavour Morse. You can imagine that. They did a lot of bicycle tyre prints on waste ground and stuff like that.

Is that a bit of... That's quite a big mo, isn't it? That Morse's first name is Endeavour. I didn't know that. How did you know? There's a lot I don't know. That's one of the questions I always fantasise if I was on Millionaire, that would come up.

But isn't there a spin-off series called Endeavour? I believe there is now, yeah. My fantasy million pound question on who wants to be a millionaire is which county did WG Grace play cricket for? Oh, right. And I am an R for a bit, and they're there, and I say, I've got a sense.

And then I mention, this is honestly a daydream of mine, I mention on the way that his brothers, AM Grace and PM Grace, were known as Morning and Afternoon. That was their nicknames, because they were called AM and PM. Oh. And then I say, you know what, I think it was Gloucestershire, and then all the confetti comes down, and I'm a national hero. Do you sometimes fantasise, and I say this to you as someone

who's done the show several times and won a significant amount of money for charity on it. And bombed as well. No, but you and David Baddiel won a lot, didn't you? How much did you win? I think it was either that or 125. It was 250, I think. It was a lot. It was amazing? It was either that or £125. It was £250, I think. It was a lot.

It was amazing. It was one of the best ones. I often fantasise about how I'll deal with the million pound question. Yes. Yes. Just that waking up the next morning and just lying in bed thinking, wow, that's brilliant. And getting up and going to clean your teeth

and there's a little bit of gold ticker tape in your hair. Oh, man. I'm surprised you guys have got the time to write biographies when you spend this much time fantasising about Millionaire. Well, I just, I daydream. That's the thing I... You must have a productivity hack going on. I think it's very underestimated daydreaming.

737 has pointed out the Alcohol Advisory Bureau used to be opposite the Students' Union in Belfast. Perfect. And Sneaky Tips says, Hi, Team Frank, Ian here. In the 70s, I worked for the Post Office Investigation Bureau, possibly the oldest detective force in the world, being founded in 1793.

Wow. There you go. That is... I think the Bow Street Runners was pre 1793 because it was started by I don't think they were detectives. Weirdest reason to start a pub fight ever. I think Henry Fielding

who wrote Tom Jones, was one of the instigators of the Bow Street Runner. Here we are then on... Good stuff. ...Axler Radio, where real detective history matters. I've got a question. This has been plaguing me for quite some time. I cooked a meal.

This is probably maybe even a month ago. Perhaps even two. I think my son is playing mind games with me. I'll tell you that. That's the top and bottom of this. We've all eaten the meal. I think it was, you know, some cottage pie or something that I'd knocked together

that I thought was pretty. You made it from scratch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, golly. And so we finish it, and I'm expecting a compliment, and my son leans back and says, that was a meal. Oh.

Not that was a great meal, not that was a bad meal, and then he just looks at me as if to go, this is going to wreck your head, isn't it? Yeah, what does that mean? And it has. It's truly messed with my head. That was a meal. Does it mean it just about qualified as a meal? Yeah, I think so. Was it a meal

as in the platonic ideal of a meal? Yeah. It's all about tone. I mean, did he say, well, that was a meal? Yeah, I mean, he hasn't eaten since because I need more information. Did it have a question mark? That was a meal. Yeah, exactly.

I'm glad you understand my difficulty here, guys. No, that is... It's really good to share. Kath knocked something over in the kitchen, my partner, and Buzz, my child the other week, went, oh, what an incident. He works for the Incident Bureau. Oh, yes, there probably is one of those.

Yeah. Incidentally. I'd a friend who used to laugh like that. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We've heard, haven't we, Al, from Paul Hughes in Gateshead, who says, Morning, Frank, Emily and Alan. My grandma also used to point out good Catholics on television.

This is something you were saying that you would do for your father's benefit. My dad was from the North East, of course. It's the same branch. Same branch. Well, Paul says the only one I specifically remember her saying it about, that's his grandmother, was the comedian Tom O'Connor. Yes. When he was host of the crossword-based game show Crosswits.

Consequently, he's right in my mental list of you know famous Catholics with the likes of Frank I mean this is quite a crowd

Frank Bruce Springsteen is he wait for the rest of the baptised in the USA do you want to hear the rest of your crew

Delia Smith no what is she she's big time used to be daily Do you want to hear the rest of your crew? Delia Smith? No. What? She's big time. Used to be daily. Let's be having you. Yeah.

Frank, Bruce Springsteen, Patsy Kensett. Didn't know that. Wait for it. Faye Dunaway. What a crew. But it doesn't count if they're lapsed up to the eyeballs. Certainly not. No childs.

Childs didn't get a look in. Oh, it's a shame. They don't include the converts. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Interesting. I mean, we do. I'm on about the general public.

Oh, yeah. How do we get talking about this? Oh, my life. Oh, my life. Honestly, my life. Whatever you think about that. Here's a question. Somebody said to me, asked me about half term or something.

They said, just planning ahead. And I said, well well what other kind of planning is there oh yeah I thought well this is why I love being around you yeah

and they took it a bit I could see that a bit oh here we go were you having a difficult morning no I thought it was a perfectly who did you say that to

what do you mean I do a lot of that retrospective planning yeah planning of things that have already rubbish yeah they call that the rewriting of that retrospective planning. Yeah. Planning of things that have already... Rubbish. Yeah, they call that the rewriting of history.

Retrospective planning. Yeah, so that... Some people do a version of that where they'll just write a to-do list of things that they've already done so that they feel a sense of achievement. Is that... They don't.

Oh, no. Are they? A done list? Yeah, I think so. No. I'm going to start anyway. Not Frank. It's a bit self-aggrandising, isn't it? I did this, I did that today.

Not Frank. I like it. I like the reference to the... Alan likes that. Oh, wow. I have to tell you, both of you, I never thought I'd reach this point in life. I found myself

honestly saying the other day i really love this road i found a favorite road like a trunk road like a motorway but i think a lot of people say i love this road this is can i share my favorite road with you go on it's the a11 oh yeah How do you feel about that? It sounds romantic when you call it that. Well, there is a fabulous... There's a war memorial on it. Are you familiar with its work, the A11? Yeah, a bit. I don't know if I know where the A11 is.

I'll tell you what I liked it, Frank. It's a sort of road that goes London to Norwich, Suffolk. It's that vibe. Oh, it's one of those. a cat flap to Clacton. I love that play. Yeah. Can I tell you what I liked it? Liverpool Street Station used to advertise itself as the gateway to the Fens,

which is always very nice. I think there's a lovely smattering of the brown interest signs. Oh, that's nice. Oh, is there? Which I know you like those. And I that's nice. Oh, is that? Which I know you like those. And I thought... What, gents and ladies? Well, I'll tell you what I saw, and I thought, this is so frank.

They've got the Anglo-Saxon village. Have they? He's in. He's in. You know what? I think I've been there. I think I went there on tour. And it's got Go Ape.

It's got everything. It's Go Ape, an ape sanctuary. Funnily enough, yes. I don't know why I said sanctuary, but an apiary. That's for bees. That's for bees. Confusing. I wish people had sought out

their animal housing title so they were less confusing. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. A thing just happened during that song that I never thought would happen. I sat and chatted to Emily with great enthusiasm about motorways.

And there's a bit of me that thinks, my work here is done. If we keep this show up another year, I wouldn't be surprised if she's talking to me about kettlebells and martial arts. Al, I just, there was, I honestly found myself thinking as I was cruising down the A11, slash M11. Not actually the A11. No, it becomes the M11. Thank you very much for asking.

And we all become the M11. And it is as the caterpillar becomes the butterfly. Trunk Road. Can we the butterfly. Trunk Road. Can we go and say Trunk Road? Is that Trunk Road, Al? Sounds like it. Sounds like the elephant in the room. I, there's probably an elephant adventure park,

knowing that, knowing the A11. I found myself thinking, stunning road. Elefancy, it would be called. Lovely. Yeah, well, this is the kind of exciting stuff. I think everyone thinks we talk about high-profile celebrity gossip, but what we actually talk about is stuff like how good motorway driving is. Yeah.

This is really the most the radio show has ever become, like a comedy store dressing room because the comedies, people in comedy clubs, they think that the backstage is full of gossip or, you know, nefarious activities and it's quite often a middle-aged man saying, but do you use the A50 when you're doing... Can I ask it also?

Well, men will talk about... Also a good rude. Men will talk about roots. Oh, the A50s. Well, can I just say, I promise I know I've got slight mentionitis with the A11. It's okay. Is it because you're an Arsenal fan?

They could be called the A11. That's good. Do you know, it's not just good, it's beyond good. The way that Cristiano Ronaldo is called CR7, that's what he's known as. I love that, Frank. CR7, that's what he's known as. I love that, Frank. But my final A11 bit of info, I discovered

not that I've been googling its name obsessively, it's an original Roman road based on, and I think that's why I like it. Yeah. Okay? They were good at that. All roads lead to Rome, they reckon.

Is that right? Yes. You need a new 8 as in, mate. Frank, you like the services, don't you? Oh, there used to be a service near Wolverhampton. Lovely link. How many, if all the clicks of radio switching off then across Britain, probably, if they've all done it simultaneously,

China will be engulfed in a tidal wave. But, yeah, it was called Truck Stop. Do you remember these? And they were aimed essentially at truckers. They had a display case of those horns that you pull a sort of thing down to make them blast. Oh, those sound good. And had a whole selection of country and western CDs,

but they had the biggest portions of food it's great I don't know if they still exist but I'd love to know 8, 12, 15 truck stop question mark

yeah I like it we were saying that they are nowhere motorway services that's what's great about them. They are a limbo. They are limbo in driving life. They are a pause in existence.

You're doing your poetry podcast now. Oh, sorry. I'm making a damn fool of myself. How do I do poetry? Am I Frank Skinner? This week, motorway services. This week, motorway services. We've had a few text-ins from people you were reminiscing, I would say,

about the truck stop cafe near Wolverhampton. It was a service station, especially for truckers, where it was brilliant. Grob. You would call it grob. It's the food that has to be called grob. But I was really trying to find out if there was any left. I could go and check them out. Well, there's a bit of debate about that.

They don't realise it, but Phil and Twinny disagree with each other. 764Phil says, Yeah, Frank, it's still there. Commonly known as greasy lils. That's from Phil. And 20 from Birmingham. I'm going to have to slightly edit the last part of this.

That truck stopped by Wolverhampton has long gone. Nightmare at night. And then suggests that ladies would bang on the doors all night offering stuff. Certain types of work. Yeah, I get it. I'm with you. Yeah, well, that wasn't my... My memory of it was the food mainly and the shop. But so we don't know if it's...

I think it has gone. I thought there might be others across the country. You never know. There was a correctione, wasn't there, I think, about Apeville? Oh, yes. You are not wrong, Frank. I've made... It's not Apeville. Oh, yes. You are not wrong, Frank. I've made...

It's not Apeville. People are very vexed about Go Ape. Have they gone ape? They've gone ape. Absolutely ape. 800. Go Ape is not all uppercase, FYI,

an ape sanctuary. Three exclamation marks. My apologies too. Okay. It's an outdoor activity centre with climbing, high wires, etc. Oh, I was hoping that after they're saying it wasn't an ape sanctuary to say it's actually the Charles Darwin birthplace. How dare you? Oh, it's activity centre, How dare you? Oh, it's

activity centre, isn't it? Oh, I like a zip wire. And I think I knew that and I just let it slide that you guys had gone. I love that you're sounding so disappointed with yourself. I mean, in terms of things you've done. I like that you knew it was a zip wire centre and you let it slide.

Yeah. Oh, well, it sounds great. I'm sorry. Don't call it Go 8 then. Call it Wired. Totally Wired. Totally Wired. I wonder what clientele that might get instead of people looking for zip wires.

Some of your 90s friends, Hal, and their tie-dye. Can we please discuss something this morning, which is that you're familiar with... You call him Chris. Other people call him Cristiano Ronaldo. CR7. Yeah.

From the A11 to CR7. Yeah. Everything you say rhymes since you started doing that podcast. Yes. Chris has gone... He's broken a record. This is according to a company called GamblingDeals.com. They sound nice. Yeah.

He's bought his girlfriend, they've got a list. That's what they do. They spend their days writing up lists of the most expensive engagement rings in football oh yeah, that is essentially which footballer loves their partner the most if you work for gambling deals

and see life in all finance yeah, he's he has topped the list with a 615k ring well you a 615k ring. Well, you say 615k. The article I read, it starts off calling it 600k, and then, like, one photograph later, it calls it 615k.

And I thought, God, at the moment. I know we're due some hyperinflation because of all the money printing, but I didn't expect it to happen in the same article. um i saw you'd be across that detail i saw a daytime television advert that said british gold sovereigns was and i quote taking america by storm are they you know there's a lot of gold in daytime uh adverts people buying gold, selling it. What is going on? Posting gold. It feels very black market. Like, we advertise this in the day.

It's sort of a daytime television version of the dark net. Where the dark web is. Where these characters operate. I'm going to rummage around the house, see what gold I've got lying around. Yeah. Can I just say, Jordan Pickford, number two at 500k?

Can I give you a stunning gold fact to take us into the break? I will be the judge of that. This is from my eight-year-old son who got this as part of his maths facts things. If you were to... I'm going to leave this as a cliffhanger. If you were to melt down all

the world's gold into liquid form and pour it into Olympic sized swimming pools how many pools would it fill? 3, 50 or 100.

Wow. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We have a missive in from Milo Tiberius Vader. Before we do this, I'm looking for an answer for my liquid gold Olympic pool quiz. Oh, that was a cliffhanger. Yeah.

I'd forgotten. Can you re-ask the question? Let's ask it again, Frank. If you melted down all the gold in the world that's been found so far into liquid form, how many Olympic-sized pools would you fill? 350 or 100? Olympic-sized pools are massive, so... Hang on, is it three options there?

350 or 100? Not 350. No, I thought it was 350 or 100. No, I'm going to go... I'm going to go 50. I reckon I've got three worth just in the house, scattered about. You should watch some daytime telly. You could be rich beyond your wildest dreams.

I never watch it. So into podcasts. Go on watch it. So into podcasts. Come on, mate. A hundred. Three. No way. Come on. It's a great fact.

A fabulous fact. Oh, it sounds like I've overestimated how much I've got around the house. I think you possibly have. Do you want to hear from Milo Tiberius Vader? I'll say. MTV. All sorts of presidential things going on in that name. Has he based it on MTV, do you think?

Oh, possibly. He mentions in regards to, we're talking about Chris, Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo. Is it not tradition that rings would be three months' salary? If CR7 earns 600k a week, he's actually been a bit tight. Yeah. That's a good point. Do you see?

I didn't know that was a tradition, three months' salary. It might be a month's salary. I think it was a tradition invented by the sellers of engagement rings. Yes, I believe you're right. I think that might be where it came from. I think also Ashley... I'd have gone four. At the meeting, I said you're right. I think that might be where it came from. I think also Ashley Cull. I'd have gone for, at the meeting I said for four and they went, they went by four.

Can you imagine Al going on that rant to Mrs Cockrell about the sellers of engagement rings? Did you go engagement ring? We didn't have an engagement. As I told you before, it was a conversation that got out of hand and then we were married. It was a proposal through an open car window. That's right, although we both do have wedding rings

but both forget to wear them quite regularly. Oh, one of those, yeah. It's a bit open university summer school. I think you can tell that I'm not in the Cristiano Ronaldo spending categories because the other day I thought I'd hoovered up my own wedding ring and thought, oh, that's going to be annoying. And then about a week later, my wife went, oh, I found it, it's upstairs.

Turns out I hadn't. You see, if neither... You know, one of my favourite things to remember is found jewellery anecdotes. I love them. We lost them and then we bought this fish and we cut the fish off of there inside. It was in a cake.

No, it wasn't. It was in a drawer upstairs. In the ghetto. Yeah. In the ghetto. Third. There's a weird thing in the article where it says that Ashley Cole's £275,000 ring

for ex-wife Cheryl is third on the leaderboard. But I know it's a semantic point, but I thought, well, she's done well to get anything as an ex-wife. That's quite a lot of spending. But, of course, at the time, she would have been a future wife. I seem to remember a story about him crashing his car when he was offered £60,000 a week. Do you remember that?

I don't think he crashed it. No, he had to pull over in shock and horror. He pulled to pull over in shock and he said he had to swerve because he was so insulted he was so upset yeah not insulted it wasn't aggressive it really upset he was it was devastated yeah it was devastating i had the same thing when absolute only offered me 70000 a week for this. What? Me and Dean and Skinner exchange a look. I used to do that in corporate dressing rooms. I'd say, oh, it's a terrible gig, this. But, you know,

£20,000, £20,000 when I was getting about two. Just to see other people look anxious and upset and then be on the phone. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Roy Rockcliffe and upset and then be on the phone. Roy Rockcliffe has got in touch with quite a technical addendum. I like his name, Roy Rockcliffe. To Buzz's multiple choice conundrum.

OK. Really, how much gold? Gold! Yeah, good. You know, I love that. Didn't Christian O'Connell play that every time Britain got a gold in the Olympics? Oh, did he?

Yeah. Didn't Absolute Radio play it something like seven times a day? Did they? Yes, I believe so. I'm sure the... No repeat guarantee. The controller will run in in his tracksuit bottoms to tell us either way.

He gets very upset when I allude to that incident that did happen. Frank, are we accounting for anyone swimming in these pools at the time of estimation? You can't swim in mountain gold. Who do you think you are, Shirley? As there will be displacement, so less gold. Or they melt to form a surface crust. Now, that's interesting. How were you imagining the gold?

It might tell you a lot about our imagination. When you mentioned the golden swimming pool, I imagined it hard. Oh, right, like massive bullion. Yeah, massive bullion. You're going to melt it to get it in there. Oh, I didn't see it as golden water. It had to be at first, and then it goes hard.

But then after you get it out, imagine trying to lift that out of an Olympics. Toffee hammer. Oh, yeah. What happened to those? I'd get a pneumatic drill. I wish I'd kept every toffee hammer I ever had and had them all on a rack next to each other oh that wouldn't have looked creepy yeah I don't know

some are very beautiful but I don't know if they still do they still exist still exist there's one in the uh Cochran kitchen in fact oh yeah but that could be from yesteryear you You're right. Can we get back to Chris, please? Let's go back to Chris off toffee. So we should also say on, what are they called? The gamblingdeal.com. Gamble, gamble. Can I just say that, by the way? They produced the league table

of most expensive football engagement rings. Thieves Guide. Yeah. And at the bottom of it, it said, study by gambling deals. And I thought, study? Right. How much studying was involved to get these facts? It's not like a PhD, is it?

Google, Google to buy gambling deals. I like, Frank, I like the idea of an academic, maybe with a tweed jacket, maybe with some leather epaulette, coming back home and his wife saying, what have you been up to today? And him saying... I've been in the reading room at the British Library looking up the prices of football as engagement rings, darling.

There was a strange little bit of almost football financial news in a Daily Mail article that I read about this. And it said Neymar, you know the footballer Neymar? He recently made the brave switch from Nike to Puma, it said. His football boots. Nike, I think. Nike, yeah. Nike. Okay. Is that a brave switch?

Well, I know we don't use words the way we used to, but brave. I mean, I know a few firefighters, and I don't think they're saying, oh, well, it's all very well I was running into burning buildings, but you know the footballer Neymar has recently switched from Nike boots to Puma.

It's probably a big step when you change your sponsor for these guys. Unless I've misread it and actually he's wearing Pumas. I remember when Carlton Palmer used to get the bus to training. Did he? He did. So long ago.

Now, Chris, we should say that this came off the back of this news, really the engagement ring there was they were showing the Piers Morgan interview which he done he did it a while back did he Frank

I believe I would say he did it in the autumn of 2019 yes and I caught up with it oh I watched it then did you watch it live Christian Oh, I watched it then. Did you watch it live? Oh, yeah. Christiana Ronaldo.

Watched it live. What about when he said... Did the whole thing with no shirt on. Did he really? No, not really. I would believe that of him. What about when they said... What a six-pack he's got.

Yeah. Come on. Come on, Em. It's a great six-pack he's got. Mm-hmm. Um, it's not really... It doesn't do it for me, I've got to be honest. He's got a stomach like a vineyard.

Yes. Sort of, it's layered. I bet he has to dust it. I bet he gathers dust like a shelf. We're talking about Cristiano Ronaldo, not Piers Morgan, by the way. No, no, no. But Piers Morgan did say... That's more like an Anglo-Saxon burial mound.

Oh, God. Piers Morgan did say. That's more like an Anglo-Saxon burial mound. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Would you like to hear what 397 has to say? Who wouldn't? They're usually good for an aphorism. Especially when you learn it's in regards to the Johnny Depp O'Savage ad. Oh, that advert. Which I know you have strong feelings on.

Yes. 397. I used to like Johnny Depp. Yeah? Turns out. Didn't we all, dear? He's a very great fool. I always shudder at the Johnny Depp O'Savage ad in which he's burying jewellery in the desert. Depp O'Savage ad in which he's burying jewellery in the desert.

If you came across a man dressed like an 1800s dandy wearing eye make-up and burying jewellery in the desert, you'd run for your life. That's Johnny, not Depp, from Leeds. Yes, it's... How much do you think he got for it?

I think I know, actually. Oh, do you? I can say yes. There you go. You can't say it, can't you? Well, I don't know. Because, like, it's complicated. know, actually. Oh, do you? I can say yes. There you go. You can understand, can't you? Well, I don't know, because it's complicated. Oh, right. Is it more than three grand? No, because I think the Dior PR may have told me, and I don't know any of that story.

Oh, OK. Fair enough. It's a lot of money. Put it this way. Yeah. Frank, can we get talking of a lot of money? There isn't enough money to look that stupid. Because you can't buy self-respect back.

They should have you after his advert just saying that. Yeah. Maybe I should discover him in the desert and say, Johnny, what are you up to? Yeah. Do you know what? Frank, I would buy a perfume. You was great in Edward.

Now look at you. What about Eau de Frank and then the tagline for the perfume would be Frank turning to camera, all sepia-toned, saying, because you can't buy, self-respect. Somebody told me that Johnny Depp has got a thing in his contract

that when he does a movie, they have to... A big post-production thing of making him slightly out of focus so you can't see his wrinkles and things. Oh, really? Someone told me that The Rock, Dwayne Johnson, has it in his contract... Oh, that rock. That The Rock.

The Rock, yeah. That they build a full gymnasium for him wherever it is that he's filming. They make him like a... I thought you had that with Absolute. Yeah, I was trying to, but they'd already said, look, whereas I have a Krispy Kreme display case in my contract. Meanwhile, over at Casa...

Speaking of money. Chris, quite. We were talking about that Piers Morgan interview, Frank. It was a really good interview. And I'll tell you what, I really liked Cristiano Ronaldo after that interview. People like him. Well, there was an interesting point, though.

I did love it when he pierce morgan started didn't he with saying you're number one by miles on instagram you've got 182 million followers you're three times as big as david beckham on there how does that feel and chris said to be honest it doesn't surprise me yeah but but Piers Morgan also said you're I think you're the best footballer in the world and I

don't think you should have said that why you don't think it's for Piers Morgan to bestow that

because I think it's a it's a continuing and interesting debate the Messi versus Ronaldo debate and I think to say to him I think to say to him

I think that you've got to question whether that, if he'd interviewed Lionel Messi. Interesting, journalistically was it yes I don't know I also like, my other favourite Chris highlight, I could go here for years

was when they showed his goal. You know, that famous goal. What was it, Frank? It was against Juventus. The overhead kick. Yeah, the overhead kick. And he said, probably one of the best goals I ever see in football. Respect.

Not I ever scored in football. I've ever seen in the history of the game. This is difficult for me because last Sunday, I honestly and completely earnestly and sincerely said I will never watch football again, having watched West Brom lose 3-0 to their first game. I honestly, and I believed it, I completely believed it. Oh.

It's terrible. It was terrible. Honestly, I felt like I had flu. It was awful. I went into the Honestly, I felt like I had flu. Oh, right. It was awful. I went into the garden and just walked about on my own as if I was advertising Sauvage. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. The bride in the Cristiano Ronaldo story is described in the tabloids as a shop assistant turned model, which is the way round to do it, isn't it? Yes, you don't want to do it the other way round. That is...

My Georgie. I don't know. When you walk past a lady's hairdressers, there's usually two or three women who you feel could be models easily. Yeah. Models. Ten a penny. Be an awkward job.

I'm glad I don't work for a model agency. I wouldn't want to be approaching women in the street and saying do you want to come to my model? I'm not sure you'd get a job. I'm surprised Sauvage didn't get Lily Savage. I'm thinking of Storm. Storm models. I'll tell you who we get Lily Savage to do it. I'm thinking of Storm, thinking Storm models.

I'll tell you who we need on board, Skinner. Also, if... Yeah, but they only look in elite clubs for their models. That's why there's the cocaine problem. Whereas I look in, you know, your local hairdressers. Shop assistant turned model is one news story. or your local hairdresser. Shop assistant turned model is one news story.

Comedian turned model agent's assistant is another one. Have you heard? Frank Skinner's given up show business and now he just walks the streets. You're stopping women and saying, here's my card. Oh, gross. Why would that be gross? You'd be launching them into fame and fortune.

You're right. Yeah, but you'd be looking in the outside shoe shop. Yeah, I don't necessarily... I think it's just men's in my local outside shoe shop. Is there only men's in that shoe shop? I think it's, yeah. I don't think there's any room for the women's after they've put the men's outside shoes in.

It looks like... You know when you go down the thames and they've got those things where they have the uh the rowing boats sort of piled up it looks like that on the racks it's enormous size 15 slip-ons and stuff they should be given to the homeless they're much sturdier than the cardboard boxes met leel Messi, by the way, is going to earn 98 million quid this year. Oh, yes. That's a lot, isn't it?

Wowee. And he's unhappy in his job. He's not. He's been unhappy. He wanted to leave Barcelona. Really? Not happy. I have to say, being Lionel Messi

sounds like it's financially weathered the Covid storm better than being Alan Cochran. Well, you say that, but then... He has got to cope with the coming over... Every time he's here, he has to say, not Lionel, not as in Blair. Do you think he says that? I don't think he says much.

On the subject of the 98 million, he did also say in the tabloids that they were his pre-tax earnings. I mean, I don't know a lot about Lionel Messi, but I think his pre-tax earnings are quite similar to his post-tax earnings. I know, I think that's changed now. He's on a suspended sentence. Has he? Yeah, I think that's

tightened up his accounting. I tell you what. It concentrates the mind wonderfully, a suspended sentence. He's got really good at the bookkeeping recently. Do you know what? I love this show. We're getting so grown up. We've done motorways this morning and tax matters. Good.

There you go. You see, only when I went into show business and started meeting people who were writers and stuff like that did I meet anyone who told me that they really liked their job. When I was growing up in Birmingham, you weren't supposed to like your job. That's what wages were for. They were compensation for unhappiness.

That was how it worked. When I worked in factories, nobody said, oh, God, I love this, it's great, isn't it? So That was how it worked. When I worked in factories, nobody said, oh God, I love this, it's great, isn't it? So that's how it is with this is what Messi's, he's not happy at Barcelona. He's getting 98 million a year, be happy. Takes the edge off it. Yeah. Probably

fair end. Yeah, well I did it obviously by spending those wages on alcohol, which I found uplifting in the extreme. This is heartwarming. Did the producer used to tell us when we got to the end of a lit? Has that stopped? Oh, ages ago.

I think we've been talking for nearly an hour and a half. Yes. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. Frank, Elisa Forbes has been in touch. Another nice name.

It's been something of a running theme this week, the Johnny Depp Eau Sauvage ad. It has, yeah. Dear Frank, I think you should do a follow-up to the Eau Sauvage advert featuring Johnny Depp wearing necklaces with various religious icons and thick eyeliner. You should go and dig up whatever Johnny has buried, only to find it is a treasure chest of Brute. Oh, that would be a lovely Brute. The great smell of Brute.

Brute 33. Oh, yeah. I remember a Christmas ad campaign which was Brut 33 on the 25th, do you remember that? Ah, that's good Numerological You know why it was called Brut 33?

I think I've got this right, I'm working off the top of my head here I think Brut, the original Brut was quite strong and some people said so I think it's 33% Brut, the original Brut was quite strong and some people said it's a bit, so I think it's 33% Brut and the rest is water, it's like a milder

Oh, diluted Yeah, it's a bit like Brut Light It's the Eau de Toilette as opposed to the Eau de Parfum Yes, that's what I was thinking Is the same true with Old Spice? They just had loads and then they did a job lot. Yeah, they had Spice.

Well, Spice, of course, you're from Manchester, you know it's a big seller. And this was the stuff that was left over. Like when you go on the market, you know, market stall chocolate. Yeah, it's like that. We've had a Crexione. Frank, Crexione, I'm sure I won't be the only one to tell you

it's pronounced Lionel, as in Lionel Richie. Is it? I think his parents were fans. That's from Alan in Bournemouth. He may be pulling our leg. I think Alan's having a laugh is what he's having. Do you think so? He's having a bit of a laugh.

Can you imagine the parent? How do you pronounce it? Like, you know, a bot, what he's having. Do you think so? He's having a bit of a laugh. Can you imagine the parent? How do you pronounce it? Like, you know, a bat. Like Lionel Bat. You do get the odd ones. Oliver Composite. I spent, you know, as I've said before, we used to just say things like Eric Cantona

and stuff like that. And then we all joined, football fans generally across Britain started trying the pronunciations yes because you have Jose Mourinho well that one

I thought I got into Jose I was really going to Jose and then they said no it's Jose yeah well who Chris named someone

from Albury now you're making us sound like pretentious fools well we are pretentious fools I think that's okay. And last one, 712 has said, Comrades, don't forget the Politburo.

That's a good one. How could I have forgot that? One of my favourite, probably my favourite bureau. I'm surprised that you forgot that. Is it? Probably, yeah. I think that's my premier bureau. Wowee.

Oh, all those men at the May Day thing, all the guys in the big overcoats and hats. Fantastic. Okay, so I'd love that. I'd love a Politburo May Day Toby Jogs collection, which was things like Brezhnev and Kassigi. Don't spoil it because Christmas is coming, so let's not spoil the big day.

Exactly. Anyway, thank you for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creaks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out! This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.