The Frank Skinner Show - Apple Snooze

Episode Date: April 27, 2024

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. The Radio Academy Award winning gang bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank and Pierre have been to Sheffield and Frank was autograph hunted in an unexpected place. The team also chat about Seagull Boy, The Sleep Lady and an excellently named Theme Park.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I tell you what, I haven't done this for a while. Let's see if I can find it. Yes, I'm with Frank. I'm with, not with Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, Mr. Radio. Might as well get me some use out of it. Radio. Hello, Mr. Radio. Well, as I'll get me some use out of

it. I'm with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. You can text this show on 81215,

follow us on Instagram at Frank on the Radio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk.

Frank, you have, I have to say this morning, we've been getting a lot of love for the shows that you and Pierre have been doing. On tour? Oh, yes.

I've been hearing all about this. Good. Congratulations. Congratulations. Yes, we were in Southend last night and chopped them the night before. In fact, a Southend resident wants to apologise on behalf of her hometown.

Oh, OK. Because there was someone on the phone. Yes, there was someone, not just on the phone, but what about this for a double whammy? It's the gig storming it, right? I just say that, though I say it as shouldn't. The gig storming it, and in the middle of the front row, there's two blokes and two women sitting.

And the women, I think, were dragged there and didn't want to go. And they were both on their phones. And I said it about three times, and eventually I sort of knelt and said, look, why, if you're going to do it, why sit in the front row yeah and she said it's not my fault

he keeps asking me the time which is even obviously than a double whammy insult I took my watch off and put it on the stage and said

there you can look at that and then when I came out for the encore there was a bloke going why do you keep standing on that side of the stage?

Come stand over on... I can't see you over there. Why do you stand over there all the time? He's yelling. You spent the whole night over there. Well, he gets mentioned in dispatches as well. She'd also like to apologise for, as she puts it, the man who complained you did not come over to his side. Yes.

This is part of the joy of live comedy, of course. Yes. So it was very lovely. I find that audience members don't realise that because they are in the dark when they use their phone, it lights up their entire body like a sort of ghoulish lantern. And also that you might notice them if they're in the front row doing it.

I think their brains just go, I am looking at the right stage. One of the women just walked out, I think so frustrated she couldn't look at her phone. She left after about 45 minutes and left her friends behind. Well, that's my new role in life. I go into theatre.

When we got outside, the tour car was upside down and I'm fine. No, it wasn't. I go into theatres and live events and I say, excuse me, could you please put your phone away? I did it at your gig. Did you really?

Yes. Well, I did say that. And I had a microphone. She still didn't seem to hear me. Anyway, it was a fab gig. And thank you, Tricia, by the way. From Southend. I've been doing Southend.

Oh, man. I used to host, I used to have a club underneath the place we played last night, a smaller club. And I used to host it alternate weeks with Lee Evans, the retired comedian. Is he retired, is he? He comedian. Is he retired? He is. He properly retired.

He did a Ronnie Barker. He properly retired. Ten years ago now. Never seen again. Who's that sweaty man on the stage? Why there hasn't been a sweaty man up there for over ten years. I don't swear at all.

But he retired this very night. Ten years ago. I take my shirt off and think, well, that'll be fine for tomorrow night. Absolutely. What's nothing left in me? You're the driest comedian. I am a very dry comedy.

But you know why that is, Pierre? He doesn't come over to the other side. He's not exercising enough. Yeah, but I saw I won't name names but I was hosting this club in Southend I'm talking about 30 years ago and there was a comedian on who played guitar

and he got a bit of abuse because they could be a lively crowd and I remember he wasn't great with Eccles and he said oh oh why don't you shut your gobs? And I thought, that's not it. That's not the key. That's a gobs.

And this bloke walked forward from the back of the club towards the stage and I thought, oh no. I'm the host, so in a way I feel I have to step in and actually stop him hitting the performer. And then at the last mini, he turned off to the left, this guy, and he knelt at the sound box and very delicately removed the two plugs for the mic and the guitar and then went back to his seat.

Absolutely vicious. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You know, I've got this theory that my son's going to be a professional stand-up comedian when he grows up. Do you? Because occasionally he does jokes, which I think that's not...

You know, people talk about, oh, the funny things they say about things. But sometimes you think, no, no, that's a comedian's joke. That's an actual joke. Yeah, so we've got ants at the moment. They've invaded our kitchen and they are everywhere. And we've got a problem because we've got a dog.

So you can't just get standard ant powder or you'll kill the dog as well. And that would be inconvenient, to say the least. So I went online and found some stuff that kills ants but doesn't kill the dog. And it says, you know, pet-friendly ant powder. So I said to Bob, I'm going to put some of this down. He said, what about the dog? I said, this is pet-friendly ant power.

And he said, what about if you've got a pet ant? And I thought, that's a proper joke. So I'm using that tonight. Not really. Oh, I'm having that. Here's an interesting fact that a guy dropped on me. You know when people just say a fact as if, oh, everybody knows that, and you think really it's

the opposite of a big move yeah i was at the katie piper show this week i've seen photographic evidence and um this this guy we were talking about there's a sleep expert on so we were talking in anticipation of what that would be about. And this guy who I think was, well, he was part of the team, a young guy, and he said, yeah, apple snooze, nine minutes. And I thought, who knew that? The duration to even call it apple snooze,

which sounds like a fabulous Austrian dessert. Do you like a little cream with your apple snus? And also, come on, keep it clean. But I never, ever press snus. I know you don't. I thought it would be like two minutes, not nine. Nine. Nine minutes.

Nine. Nine. Nine minutes. Nine. Nine. Nine after snooze. She also said, when I met the lady. The lady? The sleep lady. That's quite a weird way to refer to her.

The sleep lady. The sleep lady. Sounds like a tarot card. Oh, what are you... Oh, God, no. Sorry, Frank, you've got the Sleep Lady. It's the Sleep Lady. Oh, no. What's that small fly on my... Go on.

When you met the Sleep Lady... Yeah, so she was talking about how to fight insomnia and stuff. And she said, like, for a start-off, people go to bed too early. That's the problem. And I thought, you're crazy. But she said, and if you get up in the night, because I'd talked about getting up in the night in an old man kind of way. Oh, yeah.

You know, I don't know if I ever tell. I don't know if I should I don't know if I should oh I'm being stopped anyway by the that would have been one of the great radio

moments but unfortunately we've run out of time I'll explain in a second what was said her advice

about fighting insomnia I've done my bit of the years I like to think with various podcasts

people are always saying oh yeah I use your podcast I like to think with various podcasts. People are always saying, oh, yeah, I use your podcast. I go to sleep to your podcast. Right. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Frank, you were telling us about the sleep lady, as you call her. Yes. Yeah, I said, you know,

I have cause to get up in the night on occasion to go to the toilet i don't know it's a thing i used to talk about on stage when i was 50 people someone bought me some 50 plus vitamin um whatever you call supplements okay and 50 plus seemed like super old at the time so i took this stuff and it made my um i'm gonna say that the u word made my urine absolutely like glow-in-the-dark i don't know what what's in the pills but after after several walks over a week or two to the en-suite and allowing for some spillage on the way back, it looked like, when I woke up in the night, it looked like there was a little runway heading to the en-suite and the mat in front of the toilet was honestly like flying out of a Vegas at night.

Oh my actual God. Anyway, that was not a conversation I had with the sleep lady. No. Oh, thanks. Different standards for her. She was offering tips,

you know, of getting back. She said, one thing you must never do if you get up in the night, never check the time. Is that right? And I thought that this is a woman who thinks sleep is more important than anecdotes because you have to say oh god i woke up at 3 15

last night i didn't get back to sleep till like 6 50 you have to have that information you can't just say i woke up oh you know, and it was dark. And you've got to be specific. That's what I like about your Kath, is that she's, that's one of her best qualities. She's oddly specific over how little sleep she got. She once sent me a text saying, I got one hour's sleep last night.

I thought, well, why not just say, I had a sleepless night? I didn't know. She wanted to acknowledge the hour. Yeah, and I always think, well, that's just say I had a sleepless night? I didn't know. She wanted to watch the hour. Yeah, and I always think, well, that's at least four and a half. Without checking the time, you'd have to talk about it like some sort of poet. I don't like those mysteries. I want to know what I'm dealing with.

You'd have to say, I woke up when it was really dark, and then for ages until it was slightly light, and then I fell asleep again. That's what medieval people said when they told their stories. Wouldn't you just stay awake for the next few hours, thinking, I wonder what time it is? No, when the sleep lady said, get up and don't lie in bed if you're awake,

because what you don't want your body to think is that bed is a place you lie awake. So if you're awake awake get up and do stuff it's a lot of advice about sleep seems to revolve around trickery that your body can be deceived do you know the uh the comedian uh jamie dimitri i think you know saff let's let's flats i think you're familiar with him yes he gave me some very good advice. He says when he can't sleep, exactly this, he lies on his arm in a very uncomfortable position

to fool his body into thinking, oh, we're not trying to sleep here. How could we be with our arm this uncomfortable? And that gets him off to sleep. That is very unusual. What? Yeah, it does work. Really? Yes.

It's what Frank's talking about. It's the trickery. So if you're all sort of, the pressure goes to sleep. So, I see. So he sort of reversed psychology as his own body. His own physiology, yes. I've been told that if you study how you sit and move and everything when you're happy

and then you feel really miserable, if you recreate the bodily shape of you being happy, your body thinks, oh, he must be happy and you get happy again. Standing with my hands on my hips, grinning, tears streaming down my face.

Yeah, but they won't. They'll go back up. They'll go back up. I'm happy. They'll go back up into your eyes. What's Frank's? Slumped in front of Doctor Who boxers. Yeah. Oh, Kath went out the other night.

Me and Buzz watched three Doctor Whos on the bounce, one after the next. What a joy that was. And an Easter egg we had as well. What could be better? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Oh, I did Dan Walker this week on... You know Dan Walker, who was the BBC... Yes, I've had him on my podcast.

Yeah, BBC, all that. Lovely man. He is, and he... I didn't know, I'll be honest, he'd gone to Channel 5 and he's now like Mr. News there. So he interviewed me and he asked me about being sacked, you know, quite early on. He got in early for the bit.

So I've done a few interviews just lately trying to flog tickets for my Gielgud Theatre run in August. So I've been on things. And I've noticed something. Like I did Jonathan Ross, he never mentioned me being sacked diplomatically. Dan Walker was all over it. Halfway through you saying hello.

Yeah. So he was, you know, and I said, I think it's, I quite like the idea because people normally come on here and talk about their new series and stuff, their successes. And Failure is much more interesting than Success. It is, though, isn't it?

How did he phrase it? Did he say, what's it like being sacked? He said so. I don't think he said sacked. Let go? Terminated. Yeah, exactly. Thrown out.

Cast to the scrap heap was his phrase. I think, no, he was nice about it, but there was a terrible moment when I said, if you ever want me back on to discuss any more career lows, let me know. And he said, oh, cheer up. He said, you've still got the poetry podcast and I said

no no that goes oh god I got interviewed by the song as well this week and that came up oh how are the 90s

well I was trying to make did you write the song I'm doing loaded magazine that's the song this week and that came up. How are the 90s? Well, I was trying to make... I'm doing Loaded magazine. What, were you in Dominic Moen's Bizarre column? Do they ask about the poetry podcast? I'm doing the 3am girls

next week for the Mirror. People get interviewed by the sun. People get interviewed by the sun? I didn't know they did interviews. Anyway, go on. I like this. So, when I read, I was talking,

she asked me about being sacked and I said, one thing I liked about it was they just found out and said,

that's it, we're pulling the show. There was no, I got, there was a show I had decommissioned once by the BBC and they said,

we're resting it for a year. And we all said, no, they aren't. But they couldn't tell us. They just hadn't got the... So the producer phoned up and said, oh, well, shall we sign the contract for next year then? And they said, well...

But it absolutely laid it on the line. And I said, I like that in relationships. Yes. I like being... If I'm going to be dumped, that's it. I never want to see that person again. I can't cope with the idea they can live without me. So I said, you know, so I'll never, I said, me and Absolute,

we're not going to stay friends. I'll never listen to them again. No, but I was making that, because when it was printed, it just said, Frank Skinner says, you'll never listen to Absolute again. So it came over a bit more. I mean, I probably won't, but... You know, we're on air. God, are we still on air?

Yes. I have to say, for now. I have to say, whatever happens, I couldn't give up Planet Rock. Oh. OK. I know, that's a big part of our home life. We literally never have Planet Rock switched off in our house. If I get in and there's no one in the house,

I can still hear Planet Rock playing. It's like Guantanamo Bay. It's constant rock. That's where we live. Do you remember that in the OJ thing, when a guy said, yeah, I was driving past, they were disputing whether this bloke could hear noises from OJ's house because he had the radio on. And the judge said, what station were you listening to?

George Ito, do you remember him? And the guy said something like KWLDF. And the judge, something a British judge would never say in a million years, that Judge Ito said, classic rock. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Time is running out. Sorry, I've just got a memo.

By Muse. Oh, my goodness. Listen, we were in Sheffield last week. We were. Did you have a nice time? It was great, wasn't it? Do you have dinners out? Do you have boys nights out?

Oh God, yeah. Did we? Where did we go in Sheffield? Well, we went to Red China. Red China. It was a brilliant thing because Red China. Red China. What's that? It's a brilliant thing, because Red China is a Chinese restaurant.

Okay, thanks for explaining. Omar said, oh yeah, I knew a guy who was a musician, he said, and we were in Sheffield, and he said it would be good to find a good place to eat. So he found Ronnie O'Sullivan, who he knew, who of course plays in Sheffield every April at the World Championships. And Ronnie O'Sullivan said, oh, yeah, you ought to go to Red China.

So we went there, and as I said when we were in there, I'm going to repeat it, I said, yeah, apparently Ronnie goes to Red China to eat and then he goes to one of the other coloured Chinese restaurants and then he has to go to Red China again. Then he has to go to one of the... Anyway, what about me? I went to church in Sheffield on Sunday mornings. That's the other thing on tour.

Does Omar have to find you a church? He does. He doesn't have to, but he does. How lovely. Yeah. He even goes with me. At least he's got a very lovely, pure search history. Yeah, exactly.

Churches in the Sheffield area. If his wife checks out, she'll think, oh, no, he's become a Roman Catholic. It's all about churches and Chinese on this guy's search history. So I left. What a life. It's all about churches and Chinese on this guy's search history. So I left the church, and there was about ten autograph hunters who wanted selfies and stuff. And the church was right next to the crucible.

So they were waiting for their snooker heroes, and I was like, filler. Well, a bunch of them were planning on stalking you outside the stage door, and then you came out and they thought, crap, two birds with one stone. Yeah, the monk said, I was going to come tonight. He said, not to the gig.

Just to the stage door. He said, no, you've saved me the bother. You don't normally get fans outside the church. Well, I'd say they were literally outside the crucible. In a way, it is a gathering of fans, church itself. I suppose it is. In a way, church is much like a gathering of fans for the autograph of the risen Christ.

Do you ever watch? I haven't watched much. I love the Snooker World Championship generally. So do I. But it is the worst manifestation of sponsorship. You know, I'm a bit bitter about sponsorship generally. Why? Because the show never got any,

and that led to various issues, but... Yeah, but I really feel we've moved on. We got two weeks from soft mints that was it that was our moment episode no Frank we did get something

what did we get it was soft mints was it soft mints but now hang on what did you say yesterday when I was young what did you say

to so offend the good people at soft mints that they said I don't know I don't know what happened also Frank and I are quite know I don't know what happens also

Frank and I are quite healthy I fight them quite hard and not that minty no actually I love soft mints are you soft? they're great soft mints

don't send me any I've got money well that'll come in handy over the next few months yes as I watch it dwindle yeah fantasy football also got pulled this week there goes in handy over the next few months. Yes, as I watch it dwindle. Yeah, fantasy football also got pulled this week.

There goes me format money. Help me. I'm melting. There goes me format money. That'll be on my gravestone This is Frank Skinner This is Absolute Radio We had Oh sorry This is Frank Skinner

On Absolute Radio With Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli You can text the show on 8 I'm drowning You can text the show on 8 12 15 Follow us on X And Instagram at frankontheradio. Email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. We had a nice little, well, it's a big envelope from,

do you remember Odysseus Constantine, Emily? I think this might be before P.S. Yes, I think it might be. Sorry, dear. Odysseus Constantine. Odysseus Constantine. Odysseus Constantine runs a company called Art & Hue, as in H-U-E. And they do sort of really nice prints.

Lovely. And we've been sent a few over the years. I've got... Ooh, I've got, ooh, I've got the, I can't remember his name, but he was a Birmingham Grandmaster at chess.

I don't think there's been a lot. But anyway, he says thank you for, there's praise. Lovely. I'll take one phrase out, 15 years of pure joy. Oh, I like that.

Oh, that's interesting. Because you remember it was the 15th anniversary of Absolute? Yes. And I've got a mug. You've probably got one as well that says Absolute 15 years. And I thought, well, that'll be a helpful aide de mémoire. Anyway, it says, enclose some pop art prints for you as a final thank you

before you're escorted out of the lantern carrying your cardboard box. Nice. Yeah. There's a picture of me in front of Dylan Thomas' house. Remember, I stayed at the Welsh Poets' House. In fact, the top of the page, he's written, rage, rage against the dying of the lantern,

which is a sort of deliberate misquote from Thomas. And then it says, it's got a picture of Lindsay Depaul, the pop star who was Emily's godmother, as it says, at her Highgate front door. Yes, because she was my neighbour. So she's got a Gothic knocker next to her. And for Pierre, who was a Goon Show fan,

Peter Sellers and the well-known Goon Show punchline, Sabrina. Sabrina. Yes, exactly. She was always the sort of Jessica Rabbit of the Goon Show. Okay, I remember. The object of great lust. I believe Sabrina once kicked off at West Bromwich Albion for a benefit game. And Bobbie Robson, who was the captain of Albion,

it was so muddy, she sank in her six-inch heel, so he carried her on to great applause. Okay. In those days, you got great applause rather than obscene chanting at such a thing. Or boiler men. The Sir Francis Drake of the Albion. Anyway, Odysseus says very nicely that life without us will be as dull as Hamilton.

I hope, Odysseus, you won't sink that low. As a nice PS, I hope Emily wasn't too startled when we bombed into each other at Cardiff Station two years ago. I do remember that. It was a pleasant surprise and a relief to finally discover who Michael Portillo thought was worse than General Pinochet, something that Emily has never revealed on here.

I'll never reveal that. Do you know this, Pierre? Oh. He doesn't know, Frank. Shall I quickly just include people in there? Yeah, go on, go on. I had lunch with Michael Portillo. That's it.

No, I had lunch with Michael Portillo. That's a. No, I had lunch with Michael Portillo. That's a good enough story, I'll tell. Yes, and I asked him what he thought of a... Red trousers. And he said they were tremendous. No, I think we'll call her a female political pundit. Okay. Or just general lady.

And I said, what do you think of her? And she said... He said. Sorry, he said, she's the worst person I've ever met in my life and I've met General Pinochet. Oh, wow. Okay.

Wow. But that was lovely. We did meet. I'd been interviewing... Name-dropping segment. I'd been interviewing Graham Norton about his book. With his dog? No, no dog.

Okay. No. No No, no dog. Okay. No. No dog, no Danny. That was something Danny LaRue said when he was told he couldn't bring his dog to a hotel.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Powerplay. Oh, that's nice. I like... Well, we love the pictures. These are great, yeah. I'm so pleased with mine.

I'll get my frame, Frank. Why not? Yeah, why not? Can I say Sandy Mason, my mother-in-law, has had the picture of Omar and my dog in the wings framed for home. We've heard from the outside world, Frank. Yes. Daniel E. Adams.

I love an E in the middle. Yeah, mate. I have any initial in the middle. Alfred E. Newman. Yes. Idiotic eureka moment. This week I thought to myself, the WhatsApp sounds a lot like WhatsApp,

and how amazing the coincidence. Surely I was the only one to notice this. It turns out that wasn't the case. No. Who knew? What did the team think of this? I don't know if Pierre's aware of idiotic eureka moments. Shall we explain, Pierre?

It's a thing we used to do very regularly on the show. I feel bad when we do this, Frank. It's like that boyfriend who once said to me, remember when we saw Bulletproof Monk? And I went, I've never seen that film. No. But at least we're acknowledging that Pierre wasn't. Yeah, exactly.

Now, Kat does that to me for things that we definitely went to together. She'd say, that wasn't me. I'm going, no, honestly, it puts terrible doubt in your mind. Anyway. Yeah, so we had an idiotic eureka moment. It's the reverse of a eureka moment is when you think, oh, yes, of course. And no one's ever thought of this

before, but an idiotic eureka moment is when you realise something that everyone else knew. Ah, you finally catch up. The example was Maureen Lipman used to do a British telecom advert, did a

series of them and she was called BT in it, that was her name and it never occurred to me until about 20 years later that it was BT I actually had one this week coincidentally What was it? How long have I been reading Spider-Man comics?

I read Spider-Man comics not just, I read them at junior school, when I started reading it was one of the first things i read i read american comic books all the time and spider-man was one of my favorites because he was still sort of at school and he couldn't get girlfriends and he got shoved around when he wasn't spider-man as you i've watched every movie i still read the comics now online. I stayed in the Spider-Man suite, you'll recall,

in Disney a few weeks ago. Yes, and it concerned me because I didn't like the idea of a red and blue colour wave. Yes, and then this week, for the very first time of all that period, I realised that Spider-Man is hyphenated. Oh. I've been writing it as one word. What, like a surname, Mr. Spider-Man?

Mr. Spider-Man. Mr. Spider-Man. Mr. Jeff Spider married to Gene Mann. Yeah, yeah. But I've never, I actually typed Spider-Man in sending someone a text which I referred to it. And they corrected it to Spider-Man, and I thought, oh, God, they're idiots.

Hang on, Frank, so is Superman's hyphen? No, Superman is one word. Well, come on, pick a lane. Spider-Man... Yeah, but that's DC and Marvel. Oh, I do apologise. One house of comics is hyphen, pro-hyphen, the other one's anti-hyphen.

But I've, all that time, I've read, I must have read 300 Spider-Man comics and never noticed a hyphen. Wow, that's quite an admission. Yeah. Okay. You've lost your rights to the Spider-Man suite with that.

Yeah, I didn't know he was... The Spider-Man suite. Imagine if you got married, that was the honeymoon. Yeah. And they took you to the Spider-Man suite with that. Yeah, I didn't know he was... The Spider-Man suite. Imagine if you got married, that was the honeymoon, and they took you to the Spider-Man suite. Turns out he was quite posh. The Spider-Man, I thought I could say that.

Yes, yeah. My name is Hugh Spider. We were just talking about space while that was playing and I spoke to Rosemary Coogan this week who's the latest of the third the third ever UK astronaut I believe she was nice but she did a great thing

and God bless her, you know when people get interviewed on telly and they sort of slightly arrange their backdrop like put their book on the thing Rosemary I don't think is a very she's not really interested in the showbiz thing

it's a big picture of the moon she's not really interested in the showbiz thing. You didn't see it. It's a big picture of the moon. She's a serious, so yeah, she literally had a chart with like the solar system, but best of all, and I could have hogged her for this if I could have reached her. You know, you get a hook on the back of a door. That had got a space suit hanging on it. As if when she's going out, she just takes that off and was like,

oh, man, I love this. Take it off, you won't feel the benefit. I love this. I might do that for Zoom meetings. That's giving me an idea. Just hang a random space suit on the back of the door. Never explain it to anyone.

Yeah. I'm going to have a Spider-Man suit with a massive hyphen. Do you know what? With a big metal hyphen across it. Did Buzz ever have one of those superhero, because I've got a bit of a thing I don't like. You know my strange things I don't like.

I really get creeped out by children in superhero dressing gowns. I don't really like children in dressing gowns. I've got to be honest. They're very loose Hugh Hefner things. But you're pro dressing gown. Well I love them but it's an adult thing and it feels a bit

loose and Hugh Hefner for a child. It gives me the creeps. He had a Yoda. Oh that's lovely. I don't mind that. It was good

when you pulled it up and had the ears on it. Oh that's good. I just think you know what I think Frank? It's like when the matron said to my sister you're too Oh, that's good. I just think, you know what I think, Frank? It's like when the matron said to my sister, you're too young to get headaches, dear.

I feel similarly about the robe. You're a bit too young to enjoy the luxury of the robe. The Spider-Man suite had got a tiny Spider-Man monogrammed robe. I feel you've got a bit bit mentionitis with the Spider-Man so you can't keep talking about it. I'm very proud that I stayed there. It made me happy, I must say. Mr Parker is delighted

to have you as guests. Well, it might not have been that Spider-Man. It might have been Mr Morales, for example. Go on. Regarding Zoom backgrounds, my friend, the comedian Stuart Laws,

during lockdown, he's also a video editor and he would create custom... I like the comedian Stuart Laws. He's a former male model Norman Scott. Yeah. He's a video editor as well.

Oh, okay. And he would create artificial Zoom backgrounds where he had filmed himself and so it looked like he was sitting in his chair talking to you and then in the background he appeared in the kitchen

and started sort of making eggs and things. And would come over and stand behind himself and look at the screen as if he was his own flatmate. That is excellent. Pierre's friends are so clever. I don't resent Paul much. Frank?

I've thought of Yoda a lot just lately. Have you? Yes. What would Yoda do bracelet? Were you in the Spider-Man suite

when this thought occurred to you? You haven't mentioned it for four seconds. I keep thinking of that quote of his failure the best teacher is.

Oh. Yeah. What? So timely. And I always think that the best teacher is. Oh. Yeah. What? Too timely. Yeah. And I always think that the worst teacher ever had was syntax. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner.

Absolute Radio. Can I say we had a letter from Nick Smith who sent me a rather fabulous Samuel Johnson T-shirt, which I shall wear with pride, including his quotes. And other things you don't hear on Capital Radio. Yes. Well, actually, Pierre was looking back through our archives. I was.

And found a very... By the way, just before we go to that, Nick, it's another nice letter, I won't do it all, but he said that the radio show has provided me with endless laughs. Demonstrably untrue. In that they have ended. You have three weeks to enjoy your laughs. Exactly.

Frank, Pierre was going to share something with us. Oh yes, so in an attempt to see if I was correct in thinking we'd got a particular email twice. Can I just say as a footnote to this that Pierre's memory is terrifying.

We're on the second... I feel sorry for his partner, that's what I'm saying. We're on the second tour together and we get into the theatre that's what I'm saying. Yeah, we're on the second tour together and we get into the theatre and they say to me, oh, welcome back, and I always think, oh, have I been here before? Yeah. And Pierre says, oh, yeah, I'll be in the dressing room

that's got that wire missing from the theatre. What? It's weird. He's got... The only other person I've ever heard of with an actual photographic memory was Barbara Windsor in Carry On Spy. Oh, OK.

I don't know if that was true. This is not the first time I've heard that. She said, I've got a photographic memory. And that really reminds me of when Pierre told me. Are you really happy? Yeah, well, that time when I went camping, I was exercising and shot off my stab vest. A lot of people said I was like Barbara Winslow.

Anyway. Yeah. I think it was Charles Autry they said, Frank. Oh, yes, of course. The most I creeped out was remembering the exact shop and place where you were debating with yourself whether or not to get that poetry anthology. I know, that was, oh, man, it's freaky. Anyway, well, so I thought we got this email before.

It's freaky. Anyway, well, so, I thought we got this email before. So I searched and I found this email from 2021, November 2021. And I thought, oh, what's that? And it begins, good morning, team. I just wanted to note how disappointed I was to hear Frank casually fat-shaming Thomas Aquinas. Cancelled. Shame.

Perfect summary. I know it's a terrible thing to get cancelled, but you couldn't have a better reason than for Fat Shame in the Roman Catholic theologian Thomas Aquinas. It's going to go viral on social media. I just think it's disgusting. Frank Skinner should be taken up the air immediately.

Oh, there we go. Oh, man. It was such a good summary. By the way, there was a thing went across the... Sorry, Emily, went across the bottom of the screen. We have to have the news in here in case the Queen dies again or something. And just in case we have to make an announcement, Aura.

And it said on the bottom of the screen, Humza Yousaf vows to struggle on as Scotland's First Minister. That's what it said. And I thought, no, he didn't. No, why did he say, I'm going to struggle on? No, don't use that. All his PR guys going, don't use the. All these pre-art guys going, I said, don't use the S word.

Don't say limp forward into the future. Yeah. He never found to struggle. Anyway. So, the Barefoot Blogger has been in touch with us. Oh, it's a Barefoot Blogger. What I've done then is parodied a song from an Elvis Presley film that no one knew in the first place.

So carry on. My idiotic eureka moment, because we were talking about those, only a few minutes ago, came at the age of 47 when I suddenly realised open sesame could mean open sesame. As in sesame? Open sesame. Oh, sesame. Is that true floor. As in says me. Open sesame. Oh, says a me. Is that true?

I don't know. I mean, sometimes you can have idiotic eureka moments that aren't right. Yeah. Oh, frequently. I remember I saw a gig with Mary J. Blige, and I thought, oh, gosh, that is, it's a pun on Mucha Blige. No, I know, you were so committed to this theory. I know, I told Emily about it.

I thought it was her, like, thanking her fans every time she said, I'm Mary J. Blige. I'm Mary J. Blige. I said, I don't know what something she says very often. I'm Mucha Blige. I'm Mary J. Blige. It's not a very black American phrase, is it? You know me, man?

I'm much obliged. It's also pronounced like an old English aristocrat. I'm very much obliged. We were just talking further about Pierre's freaky memory. Yes. Yes. I creeped out my girlfriend. You creeped out me with the story, but carry on.

What happened? We were watching Fargo Series 4, and a character at one point says a very you know all over Britain women are going oh he's got a girlfriend oh is that really do you think

he's quite a pin up I think it's mainly men with goatees oh okay judging by some of my Instagram and Twitter interactions

men with beards and Hawaiian shirts were most disappointed well you're a lovely cub you are anyway as you were. I don't know what the age brackets are for that. Anyway.

Maybe let's not get into it here. When was a cub a bear? Come on. 8, 12, 15. No. Don't forget. Don't forget your memory anecdote. Yes.

Oh, yeah. So a very specific line is said in Fargo Series 4, which I remembered is an exact word-for-word repeat of a line from Fargo Series 2 from about four years ago. Yeah. That she and I watched three years, like years and years ago. And I said, oh, that's the same line delivered in the same situation when the guy was in the car two years ago.

And she was impressed is the wrong word. I would say deeply unsettled. the same line delivered in the same situation when the guy was in the car two years ago. And she was impressed is the wrong word. I would say deeply unsettled. I'd be alarmed. It's very creepy. You get a little crucifix out. Well, I mean, Kath remembers things that I said 20 years ago. But to be fair, she took notes.

She would say to me, I was reading back through some of the things you said to me. Like Hansard. And honestly, exactly. Claude Stenographer. She's got this wisdom almanac. Wow. The Frank years. The Right Honourable Member for West Bromwich. Did you or did you not say to the

house? Yeah, so I get that. I don't know what, she doesn't keep a diary. She just keeps a note of things I get that. I don't know what, she doesn't keep a diary, she just keeps a note of things I've said. Maybe she records you. I think it's like keeping a quiver

full of arrows. Is it going to be like a Nixon thing where I'm going to find your bug? No, they're only things that can be used against me

in conversation. I love that. That's all, that's all. They're never just Bon Mo. There's nothing, no. No, imagine ignoring my Bon Mo.

What a wasted opportunity that was. But not just that, but there's no nice things that I did as far as I can tell. No. Yeah. Okay, well, the good thing is you've got it out here

and it's a nice workshop to talk about it. Yeah. Well, I don't get, like, you know, pages of it. I just get, like, tiny quotes. It's like the Oxford Book of Quotations. In brackets that showed Frank to be a scumbag, close brackets. Anyway, you know, it's good to chart one's life through a series of unpleasant quotes.

Like, when we first met, you told me I smelled like a derelict house. Did you? Why did you say that? I did, but these... Why would you say that? No, but these things... What a specific thing. This is like the Sun article.

When they're quoted out of context... Oh, I'd love to hear the context. You smell like a derelict house, if it's said like that. Listen, I've got all the time in the world for context. Give me the context. Well, I'll give you the context off air. So I'll give you the context off air. What will I do?

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio oh hold on I have business to do I like the way you do it now oh hold on this is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli you can text the show on 812 15 follow us on X and Instagram at Frank on the Radio

email via frank at absoluteradio.co.uk. Frank? I need incense for that bit. Anyways, yes. I would like to kick off with this missive from Jenny, who's in Dalkeith, largely because she agrees with me.

Oh, okay. Well, that's always a good reason to read anything. Good morning, all. A few years ago, my boss had our team round to their house for dinner and drinks. One of his children, maybe 11 or 12 at the time,

was wearing a dressing gown. I mean, I'm out already. Yeah. You know, why do you need to wear a dressing gown? Like a little ghost. What have you done all day? You don't need a gown. And had been put on wine duty.

Oh, OK. He asked if we wanted... What do you mean he sat going, why do I have to stay over the outdoors? He asked if we wanted red or white and kept our glasses topped up all night. It added a strange element to the evening and we still refer to it as the Hugh Hefner night,

which has its own problems before you even consider a child being a sommelier. Yes. Praise redacted, perhaps until the final episode. That's from Jenny and Dalkey. See, Jenny's absolutely right. Bit weird. Child in a dressing gown.

No, but that one, you know, I get, if I see a child in a bib on public transport and it's the wrong day bib. You know, like a Tuesday bib on a Friday. Oh, yes. I always think, what's social services doing about this? Don't I have bibs with days on

and then not put the right days on? Oh, yeah. I feel like you're being gaslit by a child's bib. Exactly. You get yourself into trouble. That's why I avoid the days of the week underwear. I feel like you're being gaslit by a child's bib. Exactly. You get yourself into trouble. That's why I avoid the days of the week underwear. I always have for that reason. Well, I'll take your word for that.

How do you feel about left-right socks with the L and the R on? Do they exist? Oh, they exist. I feel a little bit undignified for a woman of my age. I find in the school holidays, when I just didn't bother changing my socks at all, it was possible to actually put them on the wrong feet.

They didn't fit anymore. The little toe was in the big toe section that I'd made out of sweat. They were just bags. And you had the nerve to tell Cass you smelt like a derelict cat. Yeah, but I'd made out of sweat. Oh, excuse me. And you had the nerve to tell Cass you smelt like a derelict cat. Yeah, but I was a child. Frank, what about Kevin Hurd's barber who's got in touch?

I've noticed that Frank's show is the only one on Absolute that doesn't constantly ram the make me a winner make millions down listeners' throats coincidence the contract hasn't been renewed

oh for goodness scratching chin emoji wink face emoji yeah no I got completely mixed up with

they phoned me up and I you know I just fluffed my line and said make me redundant and I mean it was it was you know You know, I just fluffed my line and said, make me redundant.

And, I mean, it was, you know, really bad luck. They operate on genie logic as well, once you've said it. It's done by a robot. I mean, that's all, it's processed. No-one even questioned it. Fired by chap GPT. Imagine that proudly. This is my moment.

Make me redundant. Oh, no, I said the wrong thing. Very well. They got it wrong. No, I got it wrong. Instead of make me a million, it was make me humiliated. We're not. We're happy. I love humiliation.

Yeah, we like humiliation. No one can dodge you. Get in touch, please. Can I say, by the way, obviously we're not reading them all out, but we are getting lots and lots of messages about people who say they'll miss the show and all that stuff. And don't think they're not fully appreciated, they are. But I find it hard to read them out without becoming emotional.

And so I'm not doing it, but you very much um for sending them and um yeah get them in while you can i don't want them going into an empty void in two weeks time oh no emil just sitting delete delete delete on absolute radio Do you recognise this sound? Yes, that was a nine-year-old boy, who if I was a professional, I would know the name of. Cooper. Cooper. Yeah.

Is he called Cooper something? No, he was just called Cooper like Madonna or... No, no, he's called something like Cooper Moorland. No, he just was called Cooper. He wasn't. Everything I saw, he was one name. He's definitely got a surname. Cooper.

How could he not have a surname? He's nine. His surname is the Seagull Boy. Next thing he'll be wearing a dressing gown. He's, I don't know, his parents or parent took him to Belgium. Yes. To a place called Le Pan. Is that what it's called?

De Pan. De Pan. He went down De Pan. He went down De Pan. And. Do you think you'd get bread there? Imagine if you couldn't. That'd be embarrassing.

Yeah, there was a, um... You know, they love a bit of bread, the seagulls. Oh, they love it in Dupin. So, um, there was a competition, which is actually called, and my, um... I don't know which of the Belgian languages this is, but Pierre will. Pierre.

It's called Mierven Shraven, the competition. It'll be Flemish, I imagine. OK, Mervyn Shraven, and it means... It's not one of the Muppets. So it's called... I'm going to do it one more time. One of the successful Muppets that was cancelled. Yeah, flimdy, flirty.

Jim Henson, no, this one's not working out. It's called the Mervyn Shroven competition, which translates as the goal-screeching competition. That's actually a contest that takes place. That'd be nice for me and Pierre with our misophonia. Oh, yeah, for me and Belgium. And this boy, we've got to get his name. Cooper.

No, he's got... Cooper Wallace. Cooper Wallace. Thank goodness. I get all my barrels from Cooper Wallace. Yeah. Anyway, he, I have to say, I mean, let's just hear that one more time. This is not a seagull.

This is a nine-year-old boy. This is not a seagull. This is a nine-year-old boy. It is mad. Listen to the crowd. When you say the crowd, I mean, I saw this footage online. The flumps of crowd go wild for the seagull boy. They love him.

It was a little inappropriate because he was nine, obviously. He's so talented. I think it's a largely adult contest. And it was quite odd because it seemed to be taking place in a pub somewhere in Belgium. I think it was a restaurant. No, there was too much wine and beer and everyone looked a little inebriated. And the crowd was like, whoa. It was Belgium. I know.

That doesn't make it okay. They love beer, don't they? Yeah. I know. But it just felt... There was a lot of people outside the window looking. They're not there, though. Yeah. I know, but it just felt... There was a lot of people outside the window looking in, applauding as well, to be fair. Seagulls!

Yeah, who weren't allowed in. It was all about them. There must have been seagulls going insane because the guy... It is slightly like... Slamming into the windows like in the birds. Yeah, exactly. They've got one of ours in there.

We had a bird fly into our... You ours in there. God, we had a bird fly into our... You know when people put up a picture of a bird on their window to stop birds flying into it? Oh, is that why they do it? Yeah.

Oh. Well, I misunderstood. I put Sam Fox up. No, I didn't. Oh, my God. We had a bird... Oh, my God. We had a bird fly into our window

and it left like a muddy silhouette of its wings. So we said, we'll just leave that. We'll just leave that up. They must get the message. But I honestly thought he was brilliant. It's really an amazing impression. And the expert, they had some proper goal experts there.

They had Yancez. Oh, yeah. He was the expert. The Yanses? Janses said at one point, Cooper, can you do other seagull emotions? Yeah. Which I thought was quite a big ask.

Yeah. Well, apparently they're working out a whole language of things they say. And that guy, he said one thing, I wrote it down. Yeah. He said, how do these gulls explain to each other that a fisherman has just pulled his nets up?

I thought, this drag thing, it's everywhere. Oh, my God. It's everywhere. Herbie gulls. Oh, my God, you two. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. That's Beck with Loser

Can I say, I'm not picking these particular songs These are on the absolute playlist Just moving, just keep moving Loser Yes We're talking about Cooper, Seagull Boy Seagull Boy See, that's why I feel sorry for Cooper.

Why? Because people will be asking Cooper to do your seagull for the rest of his life. I hope he knows that, wherever he goes. But then you had that for a while, when people asked you to do the dance in the pants. Yeah, but I didn't do it in the pants. I never did it yet. I was just surly and offhand. I don't know if Cooper's got that in him.

He looks like such a sweet boy. Oh, eventually though. You'll go back to school and it'll be, come on, come on Cooper, do it now! And then he'll go into the witness protection programme.

Yeah, by the coast somewhere. Yeah, probably. No, but he needs to be careful. I would not do it unless you're getting at least eight grand. No, I think that's fair. Yeah. There'll be people asking him forever, really. It's his three lions.

When I did that Channel 5 News thing, it is his three lions. We met this guy who I'd spoken to on the phone, the researcher guy called Paul. So you speak to him first before Dan Walker says... They always want what they call a phone, a research call, basically to see if you're still compass mentis, I think. I think it's not because of that.

Anyway, this guy... I didn't mention it. So I met... I was with my not because of that. Anyway, this guy. Dementia test. So I met, I was with my publicist, Lucy. You may recall, was the one who spoke to me about Marmite. Yes, I absolutely love her. And she said, it's a weird thing, isn't it, Marmite? Some people really like it. Some people don't.

And I thought, this is a joke, isn't it? And I waited. And she said, yeah, it really seems to defy people. I thought, no, you actually, you haven't heard this. Anyway. I've really noticed about Pringles. Once you eat one... Or pop, if you will.

Yeah, so she was with me, and we meet Paul. He's so tall. Is he? I mean, he was really tall, young man. And he's only looked about 20 max. And I thought, what I'm not going to do

under any circumstances is mention, and Lucy said, how tall are you? God! You are, wow, how tall are you? Say what you see, Lucy. So, he said, I'm six foot eight. So she's going, six foot eight?

Wow, that is, I'm five foot, I might be four eleven and a half. Poor old Paul just had me. So I said, he gets this all the time. Anyway, we spoke to him for a bit, and I said, I would say, though, I said, my brother-in-law, I think he's 6'7", and you do seem, like, noticeably taller than him. He said, well, I'm actually 6'9", he said,

but I say 6'8", because it's less of a thing. What? What do you mean you say you're 6'8 because what's the logic of that I don't know I understand he's just got

Fred Hopper people going on about him 6'9 I've actually killed 30 people but I say 29 because I kind of get it

I've got to be honest it was a lovely sweet guy if someone says 6'7 I think oh someone says 6'9 I think oh

no but he was good tall. You know, you see like world's tallest man with like a walking stick and all that. But he was quite sturdy. He was sturdy tall. You know, he wasn't like, you know, me and Dave always used to say there's good tall and bad tall. He was good tall.

Yeah, I know, but it's terribly lonely up there. Yeah. I feel for them. It's lonely down here. We know small people too. Well, Lucy said to me after, did you notice when he put the tea in your, the water in your tea,

it's like he missed the cup at first, because like if you think about it, he's further away from us, it's more difficult. Oh my God, that is so funny. Really? What else was she doing? Singing fee-fi-fo-fun when he walked in? Now, that would be his line, wouldn't it?

Yeah. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank, what about I'll ask you off air just now. These are the kind of questions I ask Frank because I think he knows everything. So, for example, I just said, Frank, why does the giant say,

I smell the blood of an Englishman? Yes. And you gave me quite a good response. Yes, I imagine the giant as a regular devourer of human beings can distinguish blood. So he says things like, Fee-fi-fo-fum, I smell the blood of a German man.

Oh, no, hold on, I'll tell a lie. Austrian, I would say Austrian. I can't hear through my headphones. This is, am I being closed down one piece of equipment at a time? Do you know what? We didn't tell you, but this was always the plan.

What we thought, they thought what they'd do, it's the gradual phase out now. Ease you out. It's the new way they do it in radio. They're going to remove things from around me. Yeah, just confuse you slightly. Oh, no, I'm back. I'm back. Towards the end, just slightly confuse you.

As a kid, I didn't like how they said English mun. Oh, wasn't it the bones? I think it might have been the bones. Oh, no, I thought it was the blood. It smells bones. Well, in my text, it had bones. Oh, yes, right. I grind your bones to make my bread.

All right. Again. So there'd be like a flower substitute. Yes. Much worse than actual flower. Sometimes the nursery rhyme. I can't believe giants grow wheat. It's better than plant flour. Sometimes the nursery rhyme. I can't believe giants grow wheat. It's better than plant-based.

Nowadays. The competition, by the way. The oven competition. Yeah, with Yance. You get 75% of your mark comes from your screeching. Okay. And 25% comes from outfit and acting. Is that right?

That's how the BAFTAs works as well. I think it is. I like outfits. Yeah, well, Cooper is dressed as a seagull, to be fair. Yeah, they all had to dress as seagulls. It slightly undermined the sort of natural history credibility of the competition. They had to dress up. Also, I've looked up Dipane, where this happened.

Oh, yeah. It's a tiny town in the sort of Flemish bit of Belgium. And it's also home, you'll be excited to hear, to a theme park, Plopsaland. Oh, not Pooh Bay. No. Of course it, not poo-based. No. Frank, of course it's not poo-based. What I don't know is I'm obsessed with seagulls. The Belgians are weird, but they're not that weird.

No one is going to have a theme park. You'd better sit there having a meeting and go, why don't we have a poo-based theme park? Well, we should go on a trip to Plopsaland. They've got such amazing characters there. Samson and Gert and Habuta Plop. They're all there. All the favourite characters.

Can you just tell us, what is Plopsaland? Is it based on a popular Belgian cartoon about the Plop family? It is based on... Who are the Plops? You know, Jürgen Plop. Imagine if we found out that was really his name and he changed it. And it's coming out. It's going to be in the news of the world.

And so that's why he's quit the job. That's why he's smoking so heavily. He's nervous. Exactly. It's a little time until they find out I'm plop. Not long now till the plop headlines break. Till the plop drops. I changed my teeth.

I did it all to try and change. No one. They've caught up with me. To leave plop drops. I changed my teeth. I did it all to try and change. No one. They've caught up with me. To leave Plop behind. All these years of humiliation. Oh, man. This record means nothing now. Frank Skinner.

Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Absolute Radio. Frank, I've got great news about Plopsaland. Yeah? It's open. What is it? Oh, it's open.

Is it? There's also a water park division. Okay. I don't like the sound of that. It's called Plops Aqua. Oh, Plops Aqua. Plops Aqua. We heard Plops Aqua.

That's one word for it. They have a 25-metre disco bath. I'm not going in there. Disco bath? That's what the website says. That's one word for it. They have a 25-metre disco bath. I'm not going in there. Disco bath? That's what the website says. That's after your phone party. Yeah. They've got a 25-metre disco bath and plenty of winkles.

Oh. I'd love it if there was a press conference. Oh, not winkles. No. I'd love it if there was a press conference and someone suddenly threw that in to Jürgen. Never mind that. Can you tell us anything about Plops Loud?

It can turn. It really turns. It starts sweating. Can I say I had a card from Vanessa the Brommy. These are the sort of cards I get. She again says lots of nice things about the show, but she also says PPS. My rescue cat is from the black country.

Great news. Yeah. When it be is from the black country. Great news. Yeah. When it be exor-meow. Meow. I love the idea of a cat being from the black country. Yeah. I don't really think of cats as being... The black country cats as being...

Anyway, she says... They have different characteristics, black country cats. Listen, this is from Vanessa. She says, I made the enclosed hat when I took up crochet a few years ago and it is too big for anyone I have tried to give it to i think you can see where this is going um as you have a plus sized head i thought you might like it uh does it fit i have to say it does fit it was a little tight a little snug yeah it fits very nicely so thank you for that Vanessa

I will wear it with pride in fact by the colour of it I'll probably wear it at pride and thank you for your nice kind words

about the show much I appreciate as I think they said in ancient Rome is this the end of the yeah but you've got a bit more time yeah but this is the last link, is it?

Yeah. Thanks. Okay, don't be evasive when I'm asking you desperate questions on air. This is no time for ambiguity. Anyone got any... It is a time for desperate questions. I've got more facts about Globsaland.

Oh, can anyone do a T-Bird impression? I can't. I used to do a goose thing on stage. Go on then. It never went that well. That's it. But I was in the west wing of my house having a shave and geese went over.

You know when you think geese all go, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, but in fact it's very varied. So they went over and I went, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. And it sounded like one was going, I can't fly. I can't fly. I can't fly! I forgot how to fly!

I forgot to calm down, Gerald! Don't tell me to calm down! I forgot how to fly! Anyway, I did go on stage a few times. Got nothing. Oh! Yeah. I like the sound of geese.

They sound like my kind of people. It's like how I react to any noise. Essentially, that geese. He's got a I react to any noise, essentially, that geese. He's got a great origin story as well, Cooper. He said he was bitten by a seagull, and it was like Spider-Man, the hyphenated... Oh, yeah. How can it be?

Oh, Lewis, you'll go Spider-Man. Yeah. Seagull. Yeah, and he got the seagull serum from being bitten by it. Oh, I see, like the spider bite. I love that. So does that mean, see, the closest I've ever come to being bitten by an animal is a donkey. I don't want to be Donkey Woman.

No. Who's going to sing that? What would your power be? Donkey Woman. She's a stubborn... Earth mule. Stinks a bit. Stinks a bit. Stinks a bit.

Nice and loud. Look out, here comes a donkey woman. And have you noticed that cross on her back? I did notice. Yeah, all right. Enough. I'd love to end on an impression. I might do my Brian Ferry.

Go on, then. Where have you been, man? Beware, don't be afraid. We'll tell you a good one. I put the hair through, I put the hair through. I put the hair through, I put the hair through. I put the hair through. There you go.

I can't believe. Yes. This is called my scorched earth policy. It's working. So look, we've got two shows to go. So try and catch us one of the next two weeks if you can. Sarah Champion is up next. Do listen to Sarah.

Thank you so much for listening to us this morning. Omar is in the studio. Me, Omar and Pierre are off to Leeds tonight and two shows in Nottingham tomorrow. Can you believe it? So thank you for listening today and if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week.

Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. out