The Frank Skinner Show - Archers-Rivals

Episode Date: July 24, 2021

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. Frank is away this week, so Emily is in the host’s seat and we’re joined by Zoe Lyons. The team discuss talking dogs, a roasting from Gaston and medical grade olive oil.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Good morning! This is the Frank Skinner Show. I know, I'm not Frank Skinner. Our esteemed leader can't be with us this morning. I'm thinking of this as like an episode of Batman, but it's featuring Alfred the butler. Okay. Okay? Yeah. Um, he's incidentally, he's one of my unlikely crushes. We'll talk butler. Okay. He's incidentally one of my unlikely

crushes. We'll talk about that. Can I be your Robin? You can always be my Robin. We would love to hear from you, so please do get in touch. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio.

I love that. We say that in quite a Victorian way. Follow the show on Twitter. Most people just say tweet us at Frank on the Radio or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. The very exciting news is that I'm not entirely friendless today

because we have our Manchester correspondent Alan Cockrell-Cockrun. I said that like you were a wrestler. Why did I say it like that? I'll say that. I'll say the wrestler handle. Alan likes the grappling, Zoe. Actually, I should play a little jingle for you, Al.

I've forgotten what your jingle is, but I'm going to... Have we got it anywhere? Where is it? Oh, here we go. I'm going to play this for you. Excellent. We also Zoe Lyons is

getting very into the spirit of that. We also have the very wonderful Zoe Lyons in the studio. Zoe I'm so

excited to have you. I did have a jingle I wanted to I was going to play the Lion Sleeps tonight.

Yes. And then I thought no that sounds like one-star review of your live act. Oh, nobody's ever put that in a review. I'm not exactly disappointed. Yet. Yeah, a little bit dopey on stage. I'm going to sing The Lion Was Asleep Tonight. A womble way, a womble way.

So I didn't know what to play, so I thought, how about this? Two ladies. Two ladies. I'm so holy, mania. Do you know I lost my virginity to her? Oh my goodness. And Zoe Lyons has come out with something of a bombshell. Wowee.

I mean, I'm not going to suggest a text in off the basis of that because we don't want to know. Al, how do you feel about Two Ladies? Well, I like the song. Well, I know you do. Do you know why? I don't think I've got the same emotional connection to it as Zoe.

They like it. This two for one. Oh, memories. Oh, my. We've lost Zoe out. I don't know quite what's going on here. She's having a bit... There's a big moment.

I'm so sorry if that was triggering in any way, Zoe. It's fine. It's fine. Just having flashbacks. OK. OK. If any more readers, by the way, have a jingle suggestion for Zoe

that won't trigger flashbacks for her, traumatic flashbacks, do let us know. I call this text in who fancies doing unpaid work for us. By the way, I mentioned Batman earlier. Are you a Batman fan, Zoe? I'll tell you what I watched recently. I watched Batman Lego movie.

And I have to say, one of the greatest films I've ever seen. Yeah, it's good. It's good, isn't it, Al? It's really good. It's really funny. Really funny. So I'm a Batman Lego fan. What happens in Batman Lego film?

It's just got a lot of sort of nuance and sort of jokes for the dads in there as well. Do you know what puts me off, guys, is the title. Like if I was meeting someone and trying to be sort of cool and meet them and going, should we go and see a batman lego movie is it actually called that i think it is called that it's called batman lego movie but i was the same i had the same reservations and um

i just think if you're at that meeting guys next time brainstorming the movie title i'm just saying i'm not saying batman Batman Lego movie shouldn't be on the whiteboard. I'm just saying, I don't think it should have made it onto the poster. But it is Batman and it is Lego. All right, Zoe. Okay. Calm down.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I am here standing in for Frank Skinner. I'm with Alan Cockrell. Alan Cockrell, I nearly called you that. Have you changed your name now by Deepol Al? I'm fine with it. I'm fine with Cockrell. Okay, I'm doing it.

I'm with Alan Cockrell and I'm with Zoe Lyons. You can text us on 81215 and do all the other stuff. While we were on the subject, I was saying earlier, of Batman, you were telling me about the rather brilliantly named, is it called Batman the Lego Movie? Lego Batman. Lego Batman. It's that simple.

Well, I'm calling the post-it note title. I would like to discuss the old series. Are you old enough, Zoe, to be familiar with that? Oh, the old TV series tv series yeah with the really dodgy slightly baggy batman suit that looked like it had a bit of giving it like his tights had been worn too often and they were just like that had permanent knees in them you know when you've sort of worn your leggings for too long and the knees are too protruding yes loved it they were like school play tights it was like it was like they'd had sort of, I don't know,

their mums had dressed them up as superheroes. It was just slightly, like fuzzy felt almost. Al, were you a retro Batman fan? I love it. It's great fun. You see, Al used the present tense, I noticed. It's still there. I loved it. I don't know which tense you want. I would like to draw your attention to one of my favourite ever episodes

of what I'm going to call vintage Batman. What did you call it? Fuzzy Felt Batman. Fuzzy Felt Batman. And it featured, it was feet Alfred the butler because he was my favourite character. But I remembered this the other day. He picked up the phone and he heard, as he would, he'd say,

Wayne residence. And he heard a penguin squawking. And he said, who is this? Some joker. Oh, very good. Thank you. But tell very good. Thank you. But, Atelier, who do you think it is? He's been working for Bruce Wayne for several decades now,

by the look of him. I mean, who's he expecting? He is a penguin squawk. Come on, Alfred. I don't think I'd identify a penguin squawk. Oh, I would. In fact, I didn't even know penguins talked. I mean, you might identify it if they were your arch rival.

Possibly. Arch rival? Who uses that word? Imagine if someone said to you about a colleague or someone, do you know they're my arch rival? Dastardly. Who's your arch rival? Text in on 81215. You were disputing whether penguins, I don't

know whether they quack or squawk. I'm going to say squawk. Quack sounds a bit ducky. Donald Duck in a Bolero sailor jacket. Yeah. With exposed lower area. I am here to tell you that dogs can talk, though. Sausages. No. Actually, my dog Raymond doesn't say sausages. He says smoked salmon. Oh, right. No.

I'm very glad you're here because I want to talk about a gift I got. Al, you're a, I mean, Zoe, I know, has a canine companion. Al, your situation's a little bit more dog friends with benefits, but I am thrilled by this gift. It's called Teach Your Dog to Talk. Right, OK. Right, OK. Right, like a sort of Rosetta Stone for pooches. Yeah. Al, it works.

Al? Are you there? Does it? Does it? For pooches. Yeah. Ow. It works. Ow? Does it? Are you there? Does it? Does it? I'm just taking in this bombshell. Guys, I promise I haven't lost it. I am teaching my dog to talk.

Like English? It's all gone a bit Brexit with Zoe. Yes, I'm teaching my dog to talk. Do you want to know about it? I would love to know about it. Al, do you want to know about it? Yeah, why not? Wow.

Emily, we've had a text from 906 who's asking, are the dogs being referred to expected to speak perfect English or a slightly rough version? Oh. Let's see what they've done there. Slightly rough version. I enjoyed it. I did enjoy it.

In fact, Zoe, your dog, do you want to talk us through your dog? My dog, I have a geriatric Jack Russell by the name of Groucho Barks who is a bit of a lad. He's a bit of a lad. He's the sort of dog that, if

he could, he'd be wearing sort of slightly bleached jeans up to his sort of top nipples. Pulled right up to the top nipple with a bog standard white trainer and a t-shirt. And reading the racing posts and smoking a rollie and he'd be able to get you anything you wanted for about 35 quid.

See, Groucho's my kind of dog, Al, and I've encountered Lucky. We had a date, didn't we? Lucky's my whippets, by the way, Zoe. That's some love in the cliche, Al. I didn't know you had a whippet. He's got a whippet. Yes, we have a whippets, by the way, Zoe. I'm loving the cliche, Al. I didn't know you had a whippet. He's got a whippet. Yes, we have a whippet.

But I think he called it lucky, basically, just so that he can answer the question, Al, when did you get lucky? Didn't you, Al? Yeah. And then pop out your whippet. Oh. Indeed.

8.27 on Absolute Radio. So, let me tell you both about my talking dog. I mean, he's not talking yet, but I promise this is based on actual science, Al. I mean, maybe not actual science. Best use of sure ever in the history of sure i received this as a birthday gift from my best friend jane it's a kit called train your dog to talk i've seen how this works because i go on the internet a lot zoe right now it works via a system of buttons that the dog presses in order to communicate.

So you record your voice onto the button. I've done my first recording. Right. So, for example, in Ray's case, it's a toilet command. In my house, I say,

Toilet, please. Why is that funny? I just went. Why is that funny? I just went. You just made Al tinkle. I'm going to need a J-cloth. Oh, dear.

And is that an umbrella term? Toilet, please? It's not specific? I don't... Toilet, please? OK. You're saying OK. Come again. So I've recorded that command.

I won't use it again, Al, because Mrs Cockerell's only got so many J-cloths in the house. I press that. I mean, he's meant to press it that's the point is that he gets into the habit of pressing it with his paw every time he hears and then he can when he wants you to go to the toilet oh okay now i'm confused come on love it's time you... Break the seal, Ems, come on. Don't know why I've given your dog a northern accent. No, my dog doesn't have a northern accent.

I mean, I wish he would. No, what happens... I'm trying to make sense of this like I understand it, but the point is, you're right, he's meant to press it. I'm meant to encourage him to press it. Right. OK? The problem I have is that my dog is

very entitled and he expects me to press it for him right is he supposed to press it when he wants the loop yes okay right okay this is all making sense so for example how it would work i've seen it on instagram there's a dog called bunny the famous talking dog how many listeners have we lost we're just gonna look into that and we'll be back in a sec the famous talking dog. How many listeners have we lost? We're just going to look into that and we'll be back in a sec. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I was talking about Bunny, the famous talking dog on Instagram.

Neither of you are familiar with Bunny, the talking dog. No, I haven't come across Bunny's work. Well, Bunny, as I say, Bunny doesn't say sausages. Right. Bunny presses buttons. I believe Bunny's owner is a speech therapist. And so she trained Bunny.

She has entire conversations with Bunny. Right. I mean, I say entire conversations bunny talks it's a bit like talking with tarzan yeah because she says i animal right i've seen her say that she says incredibly cute things like mom we family oh really yes okay right and does bunny have strong political opinions get across in a button form as well? No, although I did watch one video where Bunny said, we go upstairs now.

I don't like that in a dog. Yeah, that's a bit forward from Bunny. Well, also, I mean, although it did make me think, buttons to communicate, that would be quite good in relationships. Don't you think? Me leaving you, you goodbye i've used that one a lot just done deal yeah just yeah does bonnie now i mean treat does bunny get a treat when bunny communicates like this is what's in it for bonnie is what i'm wondering well if you start out with that approach so he lines you'll get nowhere with groucho the idea is that it just becomes second nature to them okay now i think i don't know about groucho

because i don't know about his flexibility i have seen lucky up close and i i think she'd be very she's got a lovely lithe set of strong limbs. Yeah. For greater button action, you think? Yes. I'm just saying I think she'd be good with the buttons, Al. Yeah, she's not very easy to train, though, because she isn't particularly treat-oriented.

Wow, really, Al? Not like most women. They love a bar of chocolate and they're fine. Keep them happy. I reckon... You see, Groucho's... I wish. Groucho's got quite short limbs.

He's got quite short limbs. Big paws and short limbs. A little swallow tattoo on each paw. And I reckon he'd just punch his... Yeah, he'd be like, pub me now!

Go! He sounds great. He is. He's he's a liability yeah i don't know i mean i do think if i could train ray because toilet please oh sorry al oh gone again it's messed itself sorry um i do think if i could train Ray to actually, he seems to understand the command, he understands the button. It's just that he lacks the will to press it. Because I think he has that sort of, I don't know, you know, he is imperial shih tzu,

and they evolved from the emperor's palace in China, and they're very entitled. He's too busy polishing his ming to be pressing your buttons. And to be fair, right, if Ray doesn't press a button, you're going to be mopping it up. So he's already sort of worked it out. He's gone, well, I mean, I can press it, or I can not press it, and then she doesn't take me out, and then she's mopping it up. So, you, well, I mean, I can press it or I can not press it and then she doesn't

take me out and then she's mopping it up. So, you know, you make your choices. Okay, I'm just, I'm still trying to move on from polishing his mink. So just give me

a second, please, Zoe. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. Zoe, I want to know about you. Okay. Do you feel like you're in therapy now? I do, yes. Which bit?

Tell me about yourself, Zoe. That's a real trope, isn't it? Yeah. It's terrible. People always give. It's always sort of a Swiss or German or Austrian. Or a Slovenian. So, tell me about yourself. What do you tick?

It's a clock in my pocket. Tell me about what you've been up to because we haven't seen you for ages No, I've been, things have started to sort of get a little bit busier for me which is quite nice although I find it a little bit startling and I've forgotten how to do basic things I went on my first flight for almost a year this week Yeah, which was quite exciting

I'm not saying only to Glasgow. It was to Glasgow. And when I got off the plane in Glasgow, it was 29 degrees. And having grown up in Scotland, I know that is something of a rarity. So I had that almost feel of being on a holiday where you get off the plane and you go, oh, see that heat

has just hit me by the way. What about guys when I was in Edinburgh and a guy said to me, are you from London? And I said, you know, I can't go there. I said, well, I went to Leeds once. Sweltering. Ah, sweltering in Leeds. Sweltering, Leeds.

I love that man. Anyway, so... So I went to Glasgow. I was only there for one night, but I've completely forgotten how to pack a bag. It was really distressing because I haven't packed a bag for about a year. And it's something that we did all the time,

sort of maybe two, three times a week. Keep yourself, though. Yeah, so I got the little rolly bag out, greased up the wheels, you know, got the old WD-40 on that. Got the dog to do that, actually, because that's his sort of bag. I got the bag rolly bag out, greased up the wheels, you know, got the old WD-40 on that. Got the dog to do that, actually, because that's his sort of bag. I got the bag up on the ramp, so I was going to get it sorted for you. One of the wheels was a bit dodgy.

I've had a look at the bearings for it. I've sorted that out. Thank you, Groucho Bucks. Does he whistle when you ask him out? Yeah. Does it? You see, Al, you were a fan of the... I'm assuming, do you have a sort of apprentice contestant style case, Zoe?

It's a bog standard, not hard case, soft wheelie bag. Small enough to go in the plane. Should I be brave enough? I'm never brave enough to take it on the plane. I really hate that. Am I going to have enough room for my bag anxiety? Oh, I see.

You don't check all... What about you, Al? I check it in. I check it in. Al? Oh, no, I don't check anything in. I try and do one bag travel and take it on as hand luggage. Do you know, there's something I find strangely alluring about that.

I mean, I wish I could do it, but I'm a lady in my late 40s and I need massive tweezers and they take them off you. I can't go a day in Glasgow without tweezers. I can't. I'll come back looking like Demis Roussos. It can't happen. Because I won't even look like my passport photo anymore. They're like, ooh, facial hair.

I'm like, well, I took my tweezers off me. What am I supposed to do? So I've got to check in my massive tweezers that are the size of sort of salad tongs in my checked luggage. So that's what I've got to do.

We'll be back with more about Zoe's massive tweezers after this. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show. I'm Emily Dean. I'm not Frank Skinner Show. I'm Emily Dean.

I'm not Frank Skinner. You can text the show on 81215. You can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. We miss you, Frank. We love you. Does that sound a bit over-emotional?

A little bit. Okay. A little bit needy. Just a little bit, yeah. I love him dearly what can i do uh and we look forward to seeing you soon now now it's not no that does sound too much now you've gone too far it's simplicity is key here yeah you just got yeah you went too far wow yeah okay yeah simplicity is key oh by the way I should say I'm with Alan

Cockrell Hello Did you do a kung fu Did you do a kung fu move to that Al And I'm also with Zoe Lyons Two ladies Two ladies Ding-a-ding-a-ding

Two ladies Ding-a-ding-a-ding I'm so holy, mania Just loving it. I think I less said about that the best of you. There was a bit of a bombshell connected to that song earlier this morning. If you didn't hear it congratulations have we heard from any of our lovely readers we have indeed we've had we've had some lovely

tweets in regarding who is people's arch rivals oh yes we mentioned arch rivals earlier do you want to explain Al please thank you I can't quite remember how we got to what we were talking about. I will. OK. I mean, I've just said, can you explain? And do you know how you've replied? What were we talking about? Yeah. Not what I wanted. I mean, imagine. Imagine if, you know, you don't have to. Paxman didn't have to deal with this. We're going over to our Manchester correspondent. What were we talking about?

I'll tell you what it was in relation to, Al. I was talking about Alfred the butler, who was my favourite character in Batman. Batman? Batman. Batman. What did you say? Batman. I'm turning into Frank. I'm sitting in the chair. Batman. Batman. Batman what did you say Batman

I'm turning into Frank I'm sitting in the chair Batman Batman no Batman that's a completely different show

Batman is an association of accountants Batman Batman and Young it's Batman why does everyone who sits in this chair why does their

pronunciation it's because you're short Batman Batman no I mean we can't just do an hour of me saying batman you say okay fine well i'm sorry i don't say robin um batman there you go is that better there you go alfred and batman yeah uh we were talking about the penguin was would you consider him the ultimate arch rival

or would you have gone Joker? No I'd have gone penguin there's something more sinister about penguin and I think because of the persistent smell of fish around him as well it would have been really irritating I think no I'm going to go Joker do you know why? It's the lipstick outside the lines of the mouth

Oh it does set you off a bit. Oh, it sets my teeth on edge, huh? Anyway, we asked who's your arch rival, and we've had some responses. We have. John Hopkins has tweeted in to say he had a shower to cool down the other day, got out, hung up my towel to dry.

Hang on. I think we're going to need... Oh, no. You know what? I was going to try and find some sort of sexy music oh to play with that but it says a lot that uh frank doesn't have any no sexy music that frank's idea of sexy music is this well let's try it okay let's try it so i had a shower to cool down the other day got out hung my towel dry. Walked out and heard the telltale sound of it falling on the floor.

Went back in, casted an accusatory look and said, Nice try, towel. My arch rival is a slightly damp towel. What an awful superhero. Yes. Oh, yes, that's a passion. I'd say his arch rival's gravity there. Absolutely, yes.

Yeah, a second arch rival in Gravity there Absolutely yes Yeah A second arch rival in there as well Yes Yeah Holly's tweeted in to say that her arch rival is The Gym Oh okay

Yeah There's a lot of that Yeah A lot of that And Stephen rather Stephen has tweeted in to say his arch rival is The Triumph

which is quite clever because it took me a minute I was like The Triumph The Triumph Oh he means Ark The Triumph It's the Ark The Triumph is the triumph, which is quite clever. Because it took me a minute. I was like, the triumph? The triumph? Oh, he means arc the triumph. It's the arc the triumph.

Hang on. So he's allowed to say arch the triumph. But when I say Batman. Batman, no. Apparently. No. That is verboten. That is absolute verboten.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. You were discussing arch rivals moments ago, Emily, and regular correspondent Ian Angle has sent us a joke. Emily, surely Burger King's arch rival must be McDonald's. I see what they've done there. Arch's, I mean, I'm over-explaining it. I think it's probably working without me helping it. OK. You just pushed it across the line, Al.

Yeah, I try. Yeah. Thank you, Ian Angle. Sean's tweeted in to say his arch rival is the lightweight combust combustible bags would be very different compostable bags in the veg section of the supermarket oh it takes at least six turns to find which end opens and then 10 minutes to actually open the thing stopped using them now i guess white just carries his mushrooms around by the handful the other thing i noticed as well is you can't open those if you've got a mask on,

because you have to sort of slightly dampen the end of the fingers to sort of give it a little tweak. Oh, don't. Zoe, that's my worst thing. Is it? What is? I'll tell you what it is. Oh, I feel a bit sick talking about it. I'm sorry. Honestly, I felt something rise in me. Just dampen the end of the fingers. Oh, don't. It's when people

I saw someone do that. When someone did that reading a paper. Oh, that I don't like. They lick their fingers and then flick the paper and I think, are you a psychopath? Yes. Yeah, you don't lick the fingers and then flick the paper.

What I do is I sort of make like a chameleon and just tong out and just turn it with the exceptionally large tong, like a frog. Imagine if someone did that on their chair or their tray. Al, you're not a finger-licker newspaper person, are you? Well, we hardly ever read real newspapers anymore anyway, do we? But yeah, I would definitely lick my fingers

and sort of scrunch the paper together to turn the page. Definitely. It makes me violently ill. I just... Get over it. I can't bear it. Anyway, people don't want to hear about my curious phobias. Do, or do they?

8, 12, 15. Text in. Anything else, Zoe, you'd like to share with us? Clunk, click. Their arch rival is time, which just seems really quite deep. Oh, I like that. That's quite deep, isn't it? Occasionally we get an existential text in.

Yeah, unless they mean the musical time, possibly, when that's from the 80s. Perhaps it was... Oh, don't age shame me, dear. I get enough of that with these young comedians. I think I went to see it. Was that the one with the holograms? Yes.

I've been to see it. See? Who's old now? I'm pretty old. Pretty old. We're all old. Yeah, pretty old. But I don't have a problem with time.

I think we need time. People have this idea that time doesn't exist, but it kind of does because I'm wearing a watch and I can see it. This feels like, you know on Boxing Day, they used to have those lectures from the... Where are they from, those lectures? They were always on Boxing Day or New Year's Day, and it was scientists, and I think, do you know what?

I'm going to start getting really into science and things and listen to their... Couldn't last a minute. I think I just wanted to get into science because I really like a corduroy trouser. I like a heavy corduroy, and it seems to be... When I was a kid, it was very prevalent in the science world. Al's worn some corduroy before, haven't you, Al? Oh, I love a bit of corduroy.

Yeah. Do you like fine or a thicker print? Um, no, I think... We'll be back in a second. I'll leave these two talking about corduroy. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hello, everyone. Do you like that, doesn't it? Hello, everyone.

This is the Frank Skinner Show. Why did I make it sound like Play School? Hello, boys and girls. Are you listening? Al, I'd like to go over to you in Manchester, please. I'm glad you've brought up Play School because I've got some international breaking news that I would like to bring to your attention. It's not Kim Jong. My unlikely crush, is it?

No. Do you know it? No, I don't know if you're aware, but there's quite a brouhaha. There's been something of a media kerfuffle about the US parents are complaining that Peppa Pig is giving their kids British accents, which you'd think they'd see as a bonus compared to American accents. But no, apparently they're not happy that kids are saying things like tomato instead of tomato and using phrases like give it a go.

And they're saying mummy instead of mommy. There's a slight contempt, isn't there? I'm calling that tone contempt and I enjoy it. I was hoping for slightly stronger than slight, actually. I love give it a go as a British term. I love because Americans, because my nieces are American and, you know, they come out with things like, you know, you got this, you know, good job, as a British version.

Oh, I don't like good job. I'll give it a go. You'll probably fail, but give it a go. Have a bash. Have a bash. Can I just say, Zoe, on this show, I don't say Americans. I say the word Americans like a sort of disapproving Edwardian lady I say the Americans the Americans I did see this story now we should say I have a

slight uh dog in the race here sorry to throw dogs in the race when we've already got pigs but uh full disclosure so Moana Banks Moana Banks who's a very good friend of mine she is the voice of Mummy Pig so I'm biased towards in favour of this show do you think, I don't know if Daddy Pig is maybe a special name for her partner David Baddiel that's her business

that's none of my business so I do like the show I don't know why the Americans have a problem with this. No, particularly whenever you go to the States and you have a British accent, they absolutely fall over themselves to... Can you get me a ticket?

Yes, it's true. We lived in the States when I was a kid and I had an Irish accent at that point because I'm very, very well travelled. She lived in the States, she lived in Scotland. Where did you live when I was a kid, and I had an Irish accent at that point, because I'm very, very well travelled. She lived in the States, she lived in Scotland. Where did you live when you were a kid? And my mum tells the story of me opening the door and asking... I had a very cute Irish accent at that point,

and this woman just going, Oh, my God! I wish I had an accent! You see... So the problem is people often talk about, oh, I tell you what, the Americans,

they love the British accent. I think the problem is I've been told that so often whenever I've gone over there, I literally expect to be, I mean, put on TV the next day. I think people will have suitors lining up outside my hotel room.

It never happens. I just get told, are you Australian? That's what they say to me. Australian. The Australians. Yeah, so the problem was, it was mommy versus mummy. The Jacob Rees-Mogg. But I believe he still uses that phrase.

And there were some other things, weren't there? Vacation, holidays. Well, they were also objecting to there was one woman i saw one woman i think she on tiktok they'd been discussing this and there was one woman who was obviously quite angry because she said i had to put out a freaking mince pie for father christmas or as we call him here in the States Santa. So what day did you put out that mince pie? Was it Santa Day? Thank you very much. Turns out you're not alone

with your finger licking paper phobia. Oh, when you first started saying that, I thought that you were offering me some sort of reassurance. You're not alone. In a Michael Jackson way, you are not alone. You're not alone. Come on.

And on the back of that, we've had a tweet. Ross Bridges has tweeted in today, I'm totally with you about the finger-licking paper page turning thing. It's vile. If I witness it, I have to walk away. And the paper in question needs incinerating. Wow. I think what she's done there has really turned her hatred

towards the sort of inanimate object that is the paper rather than the person perpetrating the finger-licking in the first place. I don't think the paper really had any choice in whether it was licked in the corners or not. Well, I like Ros for two reasons. Number one, she agrees with me.

Number two, she's called Ros. And you don't get Ros often, you know, often the Rosamonds, they change it to Rosamond, these people now. Oh, okay.

I absolutely loathe it, as you know. But I think the thing I hate about it is it's officious. Something about it, as you know. But I think the thing I hate about it is it's officious. Something about it feels very officious. It feels very jobs worth.

I imagine someone doing... Listen, I'm going to do it now. No, we don't have those papers here. I'm sorry. That's what they do. Oh, a little bit of a radio play there. Wow. The archers' rivals thank you i mean zoe yeah on fire

it goes on a bit long that was quite a a long drama, well, yeah. I felt stiff with stress in those final beats. I don't know where to put myself. Anyway, meanwhile, over with Peppa Pig. Oh, yeah. There's a strange line in the article that I read about Peppa Pig, and it says the show was popular with the pre-kindergarten crowd before the pandemic, but it has experienced record-breaking demand since US states imposed restrictions last year now that surprises me

because I would have thought America's reactions to restrictions would have been you know maybe protest or to go out and shoot guns in the air. I didn't think they'd think, God, we're really limited in what we can do. Let's watch Peppa Pig. It seems like a strange response, doesn't it? It's quite soothing, though, Peppa Pig. I'll be honest, I'm not an expert, but I have dipped in and out of a few episodes,

not done the full box set. And there's something quite calming about it. Well, it's the only cartoon I'll tolerate. OK. I'm famously intolerant. I say famously. About three of my friends know this. I'm infamously intolerant of cartoons before 7pm.

No, no, I'm sorry, after 7pm. So I have a cut-off. And I was in my friend's house, and to be fair, it was their house, they had three children, I had no right to impose my cartoon phobia on them, but I did. And I said, I'm really sorry, Harvey, but please can you turn off that sponge man?

I just... He looked a bit upset, and I said, it's like 7.30, and I just... Any cartoons after 7 o'clock, I can't tolerate it. Bob, Bob Pants Squareface. Sponge Man. Sponge Face Man. What's he called? Bob Squareface Sponge Man. Sponge Bob Squareface.

Sponge Bob Squareface Bob. He's the one, he's got, you know which one he is. He's got. He's a sponge. Well, he's got quite sort of pockmarked skin. And two teeth. And no upper body

to speak of. But other than that, he's a cat. Dreamy. I don't, are your children a fan of Sponge Man? I like Sponge Bob. It's funny. It is quite funny. He's very absorbent. Okay.

Well, he's got something going for him. Oh, I'm glad you like Spongebob. Am I wrong? Is he ever called Spongebob? Have I just made that up? No. Spongebob Squarepants. Okay.

Well, I've been schooled on something this morning We're talking about Peppa Pig on Absolute Radio this morning I have Zoe Lyons in the studio I have Alan Cockrell, Cochran down the line Are you going to do us some of cockerel noise, Al? Yeah, sure. I'd love it if that was an actual cockerel. If the countryside woke up to, yeah, sure. I'd love it if in the Bible it said,

three times when the cockerel says, yeah, sure, you will deny me. I need to update it. We were talking about Peppa Pig, specifically these catchphrases, or just the sort of, you know, the concept of American kids watching it and picking up on British phrases. Some examples, I think they said, oh dear, and how clever that their kids are. How do Americans, what do they say instead of, oh dear then? Gosh, wouldn't it?

No, do they say, oh, tarnation? Oh, darn it. Heavens to Betty. Is that what they say? Yes, absolutely. That's very much the word. I think they say, I do declare. While fanning themselves with a handheld

paper fan. Do you think my idea of America is slightly dated? It's a bit Civil War. But they also, I don't know, how would you say

cow clever then? That's super smart. Super smart. Or some Lee Smart, dude. Oh my God, I mean, that was some Lee Smart.

Oh, I don't know. But I like, see, catchphrases, I had, my favourite catchphrase that I picked up from TV

I think it was Arthur Fonzarelli right I use his full name yes absolutely were you a fan of Arthur Fonzarelli big fan

oh well do you know what his catchphrases were then Al no okay I'll help you he said

eeeeee that was it wasn't it that's literally all it was he raised his thumbs and he said no I know he had another one sit on it sit on it

does he mean to take some time to contemplate what you're thinking about there I don't know we'll have to ask Henry Winkler you know I've got my own catchphrase time to contemplate what you're thinking about there. I don't know. We'll have to ask Henry Winkler. You know I've got my own catchphrase. Have you? I've got my own catchphrase. Is this from your TV Zoe Lyons? Oh, I didn't want to bring that up, but

you've mentioned it. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah, I've got a catchphrase. I love a quiz catchphrase. I still remember Bullseye's catchphrase. Do you remember Bullseye with Jim Bowie? Stay out of the black, into the red, nothing in this game for two in a bed. Oh, what a brilliant catchphrase.

I mean, I use that on many a day. It's transferable. It is absolutely transferable. In one. And also, look what you could have won. Look what you could have won. This was just brilliant. Again, I've said that to many next.

Parting shot. Look what you could have won. It's a speedboat. So we should say Zoe presents a show called Lightning. Yeah, Lightning. Which is a brilliant show. I absolutely love it. It's great fun.

I love doing it. It's a quiz show, Al. It's a quiz show, Al. It's a quiz show, Al. It's a quiz show. Okay. Yeah, 6.30, Al. You sort of, and it's,

I mean, a shiny suit. I mean, it's just, it's made for me. It is, it's made for me. Great. Well, I mean, the suit is made for me. And your catchphrase. You still haven't told us your catchphrase.

Oh, my catchphrase is, it's because it's lightning, you've got to stay out of the light. The phrase is, stay out of the light and you'll be all right. And I give it a little wink at the end as well. I mean, it's more cheese than the fondue. It's just... So it's stay out of the light and you'll be all right.

That's my catchphrase. No, but Zoe did it. You see how this is the thing? You need a wink at the end, Al. You've got to stay out of the light, wink, and you'll be all right. Oh, do you say that at the end? I don't say wink. I just, yeah.

But it's in the switch. He's just doing that for the radio. Yeah. I think if you said wink at the end, I think you might get the sacks home. Pause for effect. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is the Frank Skinner Show.

Frank's not here. I miss him so much. But the good news is I do have friends in the building who've turned up. Well, I have one friend in the building. That's it. Zoe, the fabulous Zoe Lyon, sleeps tonight. Da-dum, da-dum. And Alan Cockrell-Cochran.

Did you have a nickname? Oh, by the way, you can text the show on 81215, you can follow the show on Twitter and Instagram, at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show by the Absolute Radio website. One of our listeners, Zoe, Yes. came up with a great nickname for Al.

Okay. Was it Muscles Al? Oh, yeah. Just Muscles? Yeah, I think it was just muscles. Yeah, I like to think it's tongue-in-cheek, Zoe. I like to think it's not Zoe. But you have muscles, Al. I know you.

You're always mucking about with your kettlebells. What's going on? Is this some strange sort of Tinder exchange? Al, have you been mucking about with your kettlebells? What have you been up to, please? I haven't recently, actually. I've been laid up with a little bit of the virus, but

prior to that, I had a more gentle medical experience that I wanted to run past you. Is it broadcastable for 10.08 in the morning? I'm absolutely sure it is, yeah. About a month ago, I thought I wasn't quite hearing as well as perhaps I usually should or did. And so I went along to my local GP and said, am I right? Am I losing my hearing?

What's going on? And she said that I have a waxy build-up. Oh. I have, I think her exact description was that my head was one part head and nine parts wax. I don't know if we've got any kinds of ratio. Are you like Lumiere in Beauty and the Beast? I wonder what he's called.

Is it Lumiere? I'm looking at the producer because she's young enough to know that. I was very waxy, she said, and she prescribed olive oil drops that you drip into your ear of an evening and then you sleep with it sort of softening the wax. Olive oil. So can I just ask, sorry, was this doctor in Islington by any chance?

No, this was in Manchester. But anyway, it turns out if like, you know, our house is full of medical stuff just because it's two kids, two parents. There's just loads of stuff like that so it turned out that we had some i didn't even have to buy the the thing on the way home i just i knew that we had it so i've been doing it i've been like putting the little pipette into my ear and it does have an impact the next day i nearly always wake up oily sorry al It does have an impact the next day. I nearly always wake up oily.

Sorry, Al. But here's my dilemma. I've got something of a dilemma because I've now finished the olive oil that I had, the sort of ear olive oil that we had in the house. I've finished it. Crisp and dry? I don't think I've dealt with the waxy burg that's between my ears. And so I think I might need to buy some more.

But here's my question, either for you two or for the wider readership of the show. Can I just use any old olive oil, or is there a medical-grade olive oil? This is a genuine question. I appreciate that. It's quite a specialist interest question, but I like it. I'm assuming I can't use, like, rosemary-infused that we've got in...

Chili oil. Well, what I... No, don't use chili oil. Hey, do you know who would know the answer to this? Robbie Williams, who's been in the news recently. I think he was on Instagram or Twitter. He also had a waxy build-up in his ear. Did he? I thought this was a sort of thing of myth.

Is it an actual thing? No, they all get waxy build-ups, though. Oh. They all get waxy build-ups. It just sounds so Victorian, doesn't it? Well, I tell you what, they get the vapours, you see, and then they die of a broken heart. This is what happens.

Texting, is it okay, what should we call this texting, Al? Is it okay to use olive oil, oily lugs? I apologise. Is there a medical-grade olive oil? Okay, let's text that in. Is there a medical grade olive oil? OK, let's text added. Is there a medical grade olive oil? 8, 12, 15. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio.

Have we had any responses to what might be one of the greatest text-ins of all time on any commercial radio station. I don't think that's overstating it. I think you're absolutely right there. Yeah, I'm with you. Is there a medical-grade olive oil? Over to our Northern correspondent, Alan Cockrell-Cochran.

Well, actually, if I say so myself, it's lit up the switchboard. Isn't it strange what people like on our show? Dogs and olive oil, that's it. Sadly there isn't quite a sort of a unanimous verdict, more they're now bickering amongst themselves in the switchboard. 910 was one of the first to reply yeah olive oil is fine no matter what. Warm it slightly first, much better. Ooh. I love the use of no matter what.

Yeah. And then that is followed up by 148, who says, audiologist here, use the proper drops because they're sterile. Also, olive oil just tends to soften the wax prior to removal. You're best off with sodium bicarbonate drops to dissolve it. Oh, now in my mind that will just fizz up like some sort of science experiment if you pop that in your ear.

Oh, you're saying that like it's a bad thing. 218 tells us I'm an advanced nurse practitioner and yes, there is medical grade olive oil for your luggoles. Oh, good use of luggoles. Yeah, and they add that that's not a medical term. Haven't heard that since Andy Capp. Oh, OK. Do you know, I'm learning so much this morning, Zoe.

I know. I'm fascinated now. 676 is quite concerned by what I thought was an obvious joke by me. Please do not use chilli olive oil in your ears. You could destroy the eardrum. Normal olive oil without any additives is absolutely fine. OK. So, hold on, the rosemary oil as well, I'm guessing. Can I also just clarify, I was also joking when I,

or there was some minor degree of levity when I suggested crisp and dry for your ears as well. And by the way, I'm not being paid by crisp and dry. I did mention a product, I apologise, but you can use what you want. Yeah, I would have thought being up north as well, just a knob of butter. I mean, that's what I'd have gone for. I mean, I love butter, you know.

Just a softened knob of butter in the air. We could surely do the same thing. Oh, I feel I've learned so much, Hal, about olive oil and ears. 517, Mike from Yorkshire, says, Get your ears candled. Amazing. The heat draws out all the wax and they show you it. Very satisfying. Oh, get your ears candled. Yeah, I've heard of this.

I have heard of this. That sounds like a medieval punishment. I don't like the sound of that. Yeah, I don't know how it draws it out. It's like sort of enticing a tapeworm out, it sounds like, doesn't it? Like, you know, that sort of myth thing where you sort of hold a piece of meat in front of your mouth to get a tapeworm out? Maybe I've dreamt that. Sorry, I don't know.

No, I'd heard about that. I didn't know whether that was an urban myth, but I think they do. They tempt it out. Tempt it. They tempt the tapeworm. By playing violins. They tempt it.

Yeah. And the tapeworm, it's not attracted by alluring dances. It's attracted by, yeah, they hold sort of meat in front of it. Yeah. That's it. I wouldn't allow that. Al, I have problems. While we're on ears, I have problems.

Is it the flappy fold of skin? Is it the tragus or tragus? If you want, yeah. That's not an answer. Is it the tragus or the tragus? Either one will do. I've got tragus if you want yeah that's not an answer is it the tragus or the tragus either one will do tragus I've got a very big tragus

and I'll give you the key have we heard from our loyal readers? We have. You were discussing earlier how much you dislike people who lick their fingers to open the pages of a newspaper. Any paper. Anyone who licks their fingers on paper is not in my life anymore after that point.

I think 413 has taken your dislike and raised you with a quite spooky anecdote. Here we go. There was an old man that worked... Hang on now. I want to try and find some spooky music. I mean, spooky's the wrong word, but we'll let's go with it. OK. You know what?

Troubling. Troubling anecdotes. OK, let's go for this for troubling anecdote. Okay, town crier. Troubling anecdotes. There was an old man that worked in our local deli and before he picked up the number of slices of meat for you, he would lick his fingers.

Oh no! Oh, no. Oh, my. Dawes, that is astonishing. Oh, no. Everybody knows you pick it up with your teeth. Oh. Oh, why did he do that? Oh.

Do you know what? I'll still take that over paper. Would you? Yeah, 100. Licked ham slice? I'm not saying I would request the licked ham slice. I'm just saying the paper is infinitely more disgusting to me. There's something officious.

There's something horrible about it. Okay, thank you for your contribution. Oh, Al, that's really oh yeah do you know what i'm so british though i'd still take it and probably still eat it yes you would i would i'd be yeah i yeah i would i would absolutely take i'd be like thank you so much for licking my meat i would take that well i would do the same though, but I'd add maybe 17% more passive aggression. Yeah. So I'd say thank you so much.

I think Al, I think you'd be okay with it, Al. Depends how much it costs, really, wouldn't it? I once ate a cheeseburger that as I arrived, it was at a football match and I was buying it from like a burger van store thing. A vendor?

Yes, a vendor. And as I arrived to order my cheeseburger, this woman sneezed into her hands. I ordered the cheeseburger, assuming, oh, she'll wash her hands. And she just served me the cheeseburger. And I ate it. Yeah, you see what you did? That's gross, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

I love that. That's the great punchline. And I ate it. Yeah, you see, we do. That's gross, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's the great punchline. And I ate it. Yeah. I would like to change the subject briefly. Well, yes, I'm sure you would like to erase that from your memory. I want to discuss some footage I saw this week. It was from the Disney parade at Disney World.

Have either of you ever been to Disney World? No. Alan? No, I haven't. Okay. I've been to pretty much every Disney. I don't want to boast. Have you?

Yeah. Do you like a bit of Disney? No. Okay. I know that seems a bit weird as a woman who forgot to have children in the Middle Ages. I think it's fair to say the medieval time of my life. But I went when I was a child.

My parents would take me. I don't know why. I think I went probably around the time it first opened. That's how old I am. But this woman turned up at the Disney parade in Disney World and I don't know, you've obviously never been present at these things, you two but they're very wholesome, joyful events it's basically actors dressed as the characters

wandering around, interacting with people I say that, I once actually got traumatised at a theme park I think I was in, was it Disney World? It was one of them with the popular TV presenter, Jonathan Ross. And I told him that I'd always had a bit of a thing for Chewbacca when I was younger. He was just, I just, I mean, I liked him as a character and I suppose I had a slight crush, a bit inappropriate.

I had a bit of a crush on him. Jonathan shouted out to the actor dressed as Chebacca oi my mate fancies you i was so humiliated but you know i still got his number frank skinner on absolute radio We were over in Disney World at the Disney parade and there was a woman watching the parade. I guess she was in her 20s. Yeah. It's OK, being in your 20s.

At Disney World? Yeah. What do you think of that? I mean, we wouldn't be friends, but, you know, I'm not here to judge. No judgement. It would be a very short conversation. I was in Disney World. Were you? Goodbye.

I'm off to lick some ham. This woman shouted out, and a friend had filmed her, she shouted out to the Beauty and the Beast character Gaston. Gaston? No, no, no, we're not doing this again. We've had Batman. Gaston? It's Gaston.

Don't try... Why are you doing that? Gaston. We've had Batman, which is not a thing, which we discovered, and it's not Gaston. Why am I turning into Frank Skinner? 8, 12, 15. Also, Gaston.

Gaston. No, because I wouldn't say, oh, I like your Gaston, Martin. No, but would you say chorizo? You see, that's what British people do. I'll have some of that Spanish chorizo. Or sausage, yeah, the chorizo. No, I wouldn't do that. Okay.

But I would say, okay, listen, I'll go over to your side. Gaston. Yeah. By the way, if you want me to, Gaston, if you want me to give you the French pronunciation, maybe you learn to speak the lingo. I've seen that movie. He's American. Okay. I'm going to sit in lingo. I've seen that movie. He's American.

Okay. I'm going to sit in some French provincial village and no one's French. I think the candlestick, that's it. Anyway, this woman shouts out, she sort of shouts out in quite a sweet way. She says to Gaston, Hey, Gaston, My boyfriend just left me

Will you marry me? Does she say marry me? Something like that Or would you go out with me? Would you go out with me? What does Gaston What does he say Zoe? Well he's very

He's gone very method here In his He's absolutely sticking to role and puts it down quite, I would say, rather harshly by saying, I'm looking for the prettiest woman in town. And her face just plummets. What I don't like is he says, sorry. Sorry, I'm looking for the prettiest lady in town.

But, I mean, he's such a character. Good for him, you know. You say good for him. What would you say if a man dressed as Baloo squatted and went to the bathroom in the middle of the parade?

Again, I'd be like, you know, they're committing to the role. A lot of actors, this is their first time, you know, it's their first,

it's their first rodeo. And a lot of them will be thinking, Gaston now, every day on the hour between 12 and 8pm in Disneyland world. But, you know, who knows where this could lead? This could lead somewhere, this could be, you know... I appreciate the character integrity, Al, as Zoe says, but you've got to have some flexibility. Like I say, like Donald Duck,

he doesn't wander around in a cropped jacket naked. Presumably, he respects the fact that you can stick within character and do what the character would do, but one has to respect the fact that there's a human audience there. Over to Alan in Manchester. I just think she's lucky that that's all he said

rather than, you're coming across as a bit desperate, love. Nothing wrong with being desperate, Alan. Back in a minute. We are discussing Beauty and the Beast, specifically a Disney parade, which all went a bit wrong when I call him Gaston. Apparently he's called Gaston. Gaston. The man playing Gaston responded to a woman in the crowd. We think he stuck a little bit too much to the integrity of the character, didn't we?

I think he did her a favour when he turned her down. Because imagine if he'd said, yeah, all right, yeah, I'll go out with you. And then she has to go out with a guy with plastic hair. Well, I've done it, Al. Like, when she meets her mum and dad, like, oh, yeah, this is Gaston. Because she didn't ask the actor out, she asked Gaston out. That's true.

And then she's going to the cinema and he's there in his stupid costume and she's like, oh, actually, I wish I'd asked a person out rather than a character at Disneyland. Also, Al... He did her a favour. Also, I suspect the costume. They don't bear close scrutiny. I mean, I don't want to go into details

about how I might know this, but it's very nylon close up, those Disney costumes. Yeah, they hold a smell. I know, don't they? They do, you know, and if he's been gastonning it about all day, they'll be in an aroma. I'm not quite-ing it about all day, he'll be... There'll be an aroma. I'm not quite sure if it's a verb,

Gaston-ing it about, but it is now. Gaston swagger. But also, he doesn't... Gaston doesn't have evening wear range, to my knowledge. I mean, what does he do? No, it's full day wear,

horse riding gear, isn't it, really? Sort of a heavy boot. I would call it... What would you call it riding gear isn't it really sort of a heavy boot i would call it what would you call it i would call it a medieval tabard almost a nylon up-to-date fabric i've got to say what i would have done if i was that said lady i mean she let it slide and she reacted in i thought out with a certain amount of dignity, she went, have I just been roasted? The amount of dignity you can have after asking out Gaston, which I think your dignity's already pretty gone, isn't it? Do you know what I would have done?

What? Oh, I'll tell you. I wouldn't have... I'm afraid I wouldn't have let that slide. I would have... Scratched his eyes out. No. I would have sat on it for possibly 24 hours

and given it some quite dark thinking time and then I would have paid David Gandahandy to come with me. I don't care what it cost. I don't care what he would charge. I would have paid David Gandy to come with me regardless of the price as my date. I would have insisted he wore the white Dolce & Gabbana pants. Yeah. And I would have stood there with my arms folded.

I would have forced David, paid him extra to put his arms around me, pretending he was my date. And I just would have said um how do you like these apples okay who's the best looking man in town now what do you think of that revenge plan now that's a good one oh he doesn't sound convinced i think bankrupt you but it'd be a very happy moment I'm convinced. It would bankrupt you, but it'd be a very happy moment. Well, it would for me, less so for David Gandy. Yeah, so all I would say is that I think,

I felt sorry for this woman. I just think that Gaston man needs to calm it down a bit, dial it down, Gaston. OK? OK? Did she then move on to the Seven Dwarves? Just go for numbers Just the postman I am Oi, dopey

She's getting really desperate Who's it going to be? It's going to be Pinocchio next Jiminy Croaker We're going to have to wrap up soon and I could talk to you both all day I've really enjoyed it this morning. It's been super.

We've loved having you, Zoe. Thank you so much, Zoe. Thank you so much, Al. You can go back to your grappling now. I'll buy some olive oil. Go and buy your olive oil. Thank you so much as well for joining us this morning. Wonderful Frank will be back next week.

Be seeing you. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. Frank will be back next week. Be seeing you.