The Frank Skinner Show - Bacon Alarm Clock

Episode Date: January 18, 2020

Frank Skinner's on Absolute Radio every Saturday morning and you can enjoy the show's podcast right here. Radio Academy Award winning Frank, Emily and Alun bring you a show which is like joining your mates for a coffee... So, put the kettle on, sit down and enjoy UK commercial radio's most popular podcast. This week Frank had the press night for his stand-up show at the Garrick and has a reason for feeling sluggish today. The team also discuss Sandi Toksvig leaving the Bake Off tent and Heston’s views on food photos.

This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the Radio, or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website. I believe there's some subliminal approval there. You sort of said at, as if you despise that handle. No, I was listening to Charlotte Green, you know, the voice of radio. Do you know her?

I do, how dare you? And she's like most of the sort of Radio 4 women are down here somewhere when they speak. Oh, are they? But they do, because they're down working in the bass section, they do a more variation and some long, so I thought I'd try and learn from that. You know what, I've changed my mind early on.

On the subject of Radio 4, shout out to the guy of about my age, mid-forties, who I saw on a train yesterday listening to The Archers on the BBC Sounds app. How do you know he was listening to that? I was sat behind him and I saw it

on his phone. Because he is what my mother used to call a sticky beak, aren't you, Al? No, it was right in front of me. I literally couldn't have not seen it. But, I mean it on his phone. Because he is what my mother used to call a sticky beak, aren't you, Al? No, it was right in front of me. I literally couldn't have not seen it. But, I mean, on the app. Committed. When did that thing happen where people listened to music on public transport now without earphones?

Oh. When did that become a thing that was horrible? Horrible, right. Do you ever take them to task over at the youth? You know, if you're on a bus. No, I'm too frightened that I'll be attacked, physically attacked. Really? Alan? Yeah, I'm also too frightened that I'll be physically attacked. Fair to say we live in perpetual terror of urban violence.

I do know somebody who threw somebody's phone out of a window in that circumstance, and I have enough respect for that position, but I'd be too scared. In that way, I'd be frightened in another way, and I'd be worried I wouldn't be able to get the window open. That'd be an awkward thing, and be trying to get it through maybe a narrow gap that was already there.

But surely, Al, you could... No. ..leave them looking like a jar of jam. No. With your moves? I'm not that kind of person. I wouldn't take you on. Good news and bad news. Which order?

I might go, I'm going to go sad news. You never said there's any sad news. I'm changing bad, don't you even try it with me. I'm changing bad to sad't you? Even try it with me. I'm changing bad to sad. Okay. We've lost

Kegendra Tapamago, the world's shortest man. Oh. Kuna Manatatha. Good news. Frank, we've had some lovely comments

about your show at the Garrick. Oh, it's interesting that these two have been conjoined. Lomped together. They have.

They're the two things next to each other on the social media. This is life. Am I going to be the light in his darkness? Yes. Oh, well, yes, we pay our respects to him. We pay our respects. He's a friend of the show. He really was.

Yes, I've been at the Garrick all week, and I'm there for another four. Four, you say? That's my life. Yeah, it's been lovely. Local gig. I'm coming with Al and other members of the show next week. Can I ask, do you sell ice creams?

You know what, I don't know. I don't go into the front of house. I've never seen anyone... But there is a free programme. There's not. Free, yeah. Free. But there is a free programme. There's not. Yep. Free? Eh?

Lovely. Free programme. So, all written by me as well. Oh, excellent. I mean, come on. How was your opening this week? It's an essay. That's what it is.

It's like an 18th century pamphlet. Is it? Oh, yeah. How was your opening this week? How dare you? I think Julia and Clary will phone in there and say i think you're fine that's my pun uh i hope he doesn't do that um it was all um it was all very uh nice i got flowers from oh did you feel like an ice skater? Yeah. When the old lady gives them the flowers.

Yeah, it was... There's always the old lady. I was thinking Mary Poppins. Old lady flowers. No, there's the old lady at the end of the ice skating and she gives them the flowers, doesn't she? Yeah, I forgot about that, actually. I went to the ballet once.

Ripe palaver, that is. Or was it a pavlova? Anyway. A little devil boy. It was, there was young girls sitting in a box next to the stage. They threw loads of, loads of flowers on. Yeah. It was too much in many ways.

If I sound a bit sluggish this morning, I'll explain why after this. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. So I I woke up at well this is where it gets complicated.

I woke up in order I'll be straight with you, to go to the toilet in the night. Sounds like 24 hours in police custody. Yeah. No shame, innit? No comment. No shame.

No shame. You know, I'd had a drink. Yeah. Okay, it was water. And then, so what I always do, I don't know if you do this, maybe you guys don't get up in the night at your age, but when I get, I always, like, tap the old iPhone, see what time I got up.

So I did that. Nothing. Because you keep a journal, don't you? Yeah, exactly. Oh, exactly. That's the sort of thing I'd put in my journal. Is it? So I tapped it again.

Nothing. And it had utterly and completely died in the night. Oh. Sorry, are we still talking about the phone? Yeah. Oh, good. I just feel somewhat relieved. Yeah, but no, that died many.

Anyway, so I'm then... The fear on the young people's faces. I know. The phone has died. I think it was the ancient mariner who said, alone, alone, all alone, alone on an open sea. Can I just say, I never thought the glittering eye sounded bad i loved his glittering eye back over to you frank in the studio um well so then i'm in

a situation um my family are not there by the way so i mean i'm in on my own, and that's my alarm, and I've got a radio show the next morning. So I thought, there must be another alarm. So then I thought, there's that little plastic alarm clock I haven't used for years. And do you know when a battery gets that white stuff on it where it's been left? So that was like, as I opened it, it was just like powder and dust. So then I'm thinking,

how am I going to get up for the radio show? And I thought, I'll just have to stay up all night. Yeah. And then... Can I tell you what I would have done? Go on, what would you have done? I think I would have hired maybe some sort of worker to just spend the night with me.

I'm not saying anything would have happened. Oh, that sounds... How would I have done that? I'd have gone out on the street, like the old days, and procured someone in that way. Yeah, I think that would have been... Perhaps an underground toilet in Shepherd's Bush. Yeah, exactly, and said, excuse me.

I just want to use you as my alarm clock. Yeah, will you get me up in the morning? No. I mean, I was stuck. So in the end, I remembered I've got an old sort of Wi-Fi thing. Not Wi-Fi, Hi-Fi. Oh, yeah. And I thought, I wonder if it's

got an alarm on it. So I went and had a look. Good shout. And it had, but this was in a different room. You know all those sort of equipment have got about 900 wires? Oh, yeah. So I had to carry the whole thing like I was carrying a basket of...

and into the room, and then work out how to set the alarm. Yeah. And then I couldn't work out how to find a radio station. So I woke up. I say I woke up. I basically stayed awake anyway because I wasn't confident this would work.

Yeah. But anyway, it did. I was woken by... Luckily, it was someone percolating some coffee so it's been a terrible how did this happen I watched the first episode of the Romans just before I went to on a phone yeah I've got BritBox. I was watching The First Doctor. Okay. And it was fine.

I think one of the young ones can sort this out this morning. What do you do, though? What do I do? I go to the Apple shop or something? Look. Look at it. Yeah, have you tried... Stop doing that.

Well, leave it with the young ones to sort out. I'm sure they will. They all look so scared by this story. Honestly, to them this is like reading Kafka. Yeah. It's as if I've been arrested in Eastern Europe to their minds. Look at their faces. No phone, you say?

Yeah, I'm sorry this has turned out to be a sort of a horror tale. I think they were more horrified by the sound of the high five. Yeah, I'm sorry this has turned out to be sort of a horror tale. I think they were more horrified by the sound of the high five. Yeah, maybe. But, oh, how do I wake up? That is, that's a terrible. I've had that before, and I've resorted to, I had a broken charger, and that's my blues song. Yeah.

And I... Didn't Solante a lot, Tom, like that? Da-na-na-na-na. And I ended up resorting to using an alarm. It was sort of an alarm feature, I think it was called, on the computer. Alarm? A stern alarm, like the old thing of Richard I. It was referred to as an alarm.

And it didn't go off. And of course, like your good self, I spent probably at least 128 minutes unable to sleep just for fear that the impending alarm wouldn't go off I think if I remember rightly our stern alarms have

turned to merry meetings that's why our dreadful marches to delightful measures anyway let's not dwell on this thanks but what am I going to do I have the same dreadful marches to delightful measures. Anyway, let's not dwell on this. Thanks. But what am I going to do? I have a saying. Sorry, I'm still laughing.

The idea of the radio posse respond clapping to the quotes. Shakespeare quotes. Yeah, legend. I have a saying. I have a saying, which which is if things get bad for me, if any aspect, I always think, oh, well,

at least I haven't lost my phone. That's like my thing. And I haven't lost it, but it is lost, you know what I

mean? Yeah. It's a coma. It's in a coma. You just need a reboot. If I play a bit of Cliff Richard,

I read somewhere that is the music most played to people in comas. Oh, really? Is that right? Yeah, then they wake up absolutely outraged.

Wired for sound. Very appropriate. Yeah. There's been drama in here during that song. Has there? Yeah, we're trying to plug your phone in and get it going. I know. Sean in Thoroughcast asked, Frank, have you put it on charge?

It was on charge. That's the whole thing. Well, the thing is, it's been on charge by, forgive me for this, by someone more senior, and then somebody young has plugged it in and it's now charging. I think that's what's happened. The phone knows. The phone knows.

I shouldn't really have one of these phones, should I? I think that's probably the truth of it. Well, you've just produced the alarm clock, which you appear to be carrying around in your pocket. Well, I thought I'd get a battery for that because I don't think I'll ever trust my phone again now to wake me up. The alarm clock is the sort of thing Terry Scott from Terry in June would have used to wake him up in the morning.

It's steeply retro. I'd like to start a national tradition, which on midnight on the 31st of May, when it strikes for the 1st of June, the whole country goes, June! I'll make a note of that, please. That should be a good thing. The juice is writing that down. Yeah. I love that. I think that would be good. They please. That should be a good thing. The juice is writing that down. I love that.

They often write your good ideas down. Yeah. I have no idea about the 1st of June. Yeah, when I said I got flowers in my... I got flowers from Amanda Hold, which was nice. Which is kind. So she said, I've got... I'm in tonight and I'll be bringing my buzzer with me. I thought, really, that's your business?

Did they come back, any of the celebrities? No, there was an after show, dear. Who was at the after show? In the theatre. Any nice celebs we can... It wasn't that kind of a night. I don't think they all disappeared. You must have had a Charles and a Badil.

Oh, yeah. Lovely. Even Charles didn't go to the after show, I don't think. I mean, if he's too busy. Not invited. Can I just say, Alan and I got into a lovely conversation in that break about how, I think we were talking about the phone, and I've got quite good at things like charging the phone

or fixing IT problems. Yeah. And I've got very into YouTube instructional videos. Oh, yeah. And I recently, for example, I learned how to bleed radiators the other day. I did it all myself, Frank. Very satisfying, isn't it?

Are you a fan of doing that? I'll tell you what I like about it is when there's a certain, the air that's emitted by a radiator smells like the sort of jobs I had when I first got expelled from school. I can smell factories from the 1970s.

You know when people say that smells give you like memories? It really takes me, I've shed a tear before bleeding the radiators. Can I just say I've never done it? Well, oh wow. I've never bled a radiator. If we'd have had a public vote

on which one of us hadn't bled a radiator. Yeah, I'm a real anomaly or I'm very much misunderstood by the public as being more mature than I am. I thought, I'm going to... Anomaly's done it. I got lost in the wash, but I'm with you, Frank.

I'm going to try, I'm going to buy the key because at first I tried with any old sort of screwdriver pliers and then I thought, no, I want the proper key. Oh, the satisfaction of the key. I want that key that fits. The initial resistance from the radiator. I've never wanted to bleed a radiator as much as I have now. Let's do one now in the building.

Couldn't do any harm. I'm going to go around doing them randomly to people's homes. Oh, that sounds good. The key costs £1.89. I've got... Don't. Frank, I might go home and do a couple more. I'm out, to be honest, now that it's £1.89 for the key.

Can I say... Can I say what I did find? Mine was more a dribble of water. Oh, you get that at the end? Oh, OK. It was like the statue of the boy in... Is it Copenhagen or Amsterdam? Well, I think it's...

Copenhagen is the mermaid, isn't it? Oh, is it? OK. Yeah, we don't want... I don't know where it even comes from in a mermaid. Does it just seep through the scales? Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Do you know what I love about

the bleeding of the radiator? No. It's when you see the gauge go down. So you're no longer under pressure oh pussy said to the owl

pussy said to the owl pussy said to the owl pussy said to the owl under pressure I missed the rehearsal this week no I think you missed the show I think Gareth was here for that show that was when my son was learning I had to learn the show. I think Gareth was here for that show. That was when my son was learning,

had to learn the owl and the pussycat. And there's a line in the second verse, pussy said to the owl, and he couldn't do it without going, pussy said to the owl, pussy said to the owl. I'm sure it wasn't intended that way. Well, how could it be?

677 has said, it's gas, not air, in older radiators. You can light it. That's Kev from Crew, and yes, I'm gas registered. Gas safe registered. Mm. Yeah, once, you know, you start lighting radiators, the next thing you know.

Yeah. You know, it's a bunch of lads all gathered round. And also the boy statue that we discussed is in Brussels, just so that we don't get 100 emails telling us... It actually is a strange enigmatic message. It's 740, and it sounds a bit sort of Bond. It says, the boy is in Brussels. Yeah, I hope it's not one of those messages that wasn't meant for us.

It's just a coincidence that we've received it. The boy being the name of the assassin in this case. You see, if the EU administration had more of a sense of humour, they could use the urinating boy in Brussels as part of our farewell. That's a good idea. I'm sure there's a million pounds, apparently. The urinator. Yeah.

As a way of, let's say, sending us off. They could put up a big sign next to him. That would be a good currency, the urinator. Yeah. I like that. As a way of, let's say, sending us off, they could put up a big sign next to him. That would be a good currency, the urinator. Yeah. The euro-nator. Some text messages that we get sort of answer their own question, and it's as if they don't want any commentary from us. Do you remember back in the day when people had proper phones,

you could call BT and book an alarm call. Not a lot of use to you if you only have a dead mobile, but a nice thought. No, it is true that. I also thought, weirdly, that if I was in a hotel, I'd be all right now. I could just ask for reception. So I never... The same thing happened to me. I was in a hotel, they forgot to call me.

Well, what I don't like about the hotels is that often you speak to a human being who says, would you like an alarm call? No problem. I can set that up for you, Emily. Is that all, Emily? Do you need any more help at all? No? Okay, bye-bye. Bye. Bye, you too. Next morning, hello, this is your alarm call. What's happened?

I want the personal touch. You've automated it. And often they do forget, Frank, you're right. Yes yes it used to nag at me that when receptionists if you worked for let's say tube products so they'd say hello tube products

yeah for example or if you worked for Johnson Stampings hello Johnson Stampings and I wondered if someone had written that tune and got royalties for it. Someone said, we need a tune for the receptionist. And so what about da-da-da-da-da? And I said, oh, yeah, we'll take it.

And then the B side was obviously, do you need any help at all? Exactly. I would buy that single. Frank Skimmer. Absolute Radio. By the way, I had a letter from Adrian Price, who works at

Sondry's and Snacks. JTS Sondry's and Snacks. I don't know who they are. Oh, is it a kiosk? I love a kiosk no I think it's quite

judging by what he sent me it's quite a thriving company in Somerset because he sent me a sort of a sack of scratchings pork scratchings but I mean

there was individual bags but I mean an enormous an enormous there an enormous collection. There must be 50 bags of scratchings in there. Yeah. And as we've established on here, it is a superfood. Yeah. Oh, I've noticed we didn't get any off the menu.

Didn't share the wealth on that. No. Well, I didn't think you'd... I don't know, does it fit with your paleo? Oh, yeah. Oh, does it? I'm not sure. Did you think to ask me?

Paleo-ish. I just assumed you wouldn't want scratchings. Au contraire, my friend. Oh, OK. I adore a scratching. I've never eaten them all. I've never bled a radiator and Emily eats pork scratchings. It's a discovery day here.

Yeah, I don't like the way this is going. You know, my phone died. I've got nothing to hold on to. I'm like the man on the spacewalk. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's all gone topsy-turvy. In gravity, you know, when you're just left floating.

That's how I feel. We've had some reviews in. We posted a photograph of your white 80s alarm clock. Is it 80s? That alarm clock has been there for a while and I thought it was going to save me today and then it just had a powdery battery. Darcy says,

that looks old enough that the glow in the dark hands might be radium. Good knowledge. Wow. It was phased out in the 30s or something. Scott Cooper. The Edith Cavell alarm clock. Scott Cooper, what a terrible piece of kit.

Oh, I don't like that. That's brutal. I have to say, this was an okay. Do you remember the time when you guys were talking about Breaking Bad and I said, did you see Merlin? And you all laughed and I couldn't work out why you were laughing.

When my alarm clock came out and everyone thought... I couldn't see what was comical about it. Even the 80s wouldn't want that back. I mean, the reviews are coming in. I'm not sure it was 80s. It might have been. It probably was 80s. Yeah, it was.

Someone else? Do you want to... Let's end with a nice one. Yeah. Adorable. There you go. There you go, see? Well, anyway, it's going to be back in action.

So I think that's good news for everyone listening. Yeah, it's a weird thing. And good luck with the radium. Yeah. Mr. Radium, that's what they call me. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner

on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at frankontheradio, email us at the Absolute Radio website. Can I just say that I think it takes enormous self-control on my part

every time we play U2. For when you say, that was U2, I always want to say, it wasn't us two, me and Emily. I don't mind. I think it's all right.

Those repeat jokes. I think, especially as you're a father, I think you're entitled to do that. I told you before, there's a house we nearly bought and whenever we drive past it, I always say, we'd be home by now if we'd bought that house.

Yeah, it's very single. And that's one of the ones the kids will say when they're 40. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the thing, whenever Kath has a meal and I say, how's that, and she says it's a bit oily, I always say, it's only quarter to one. It's just, you know, I even always say quarter to one, regardless of the times.

And when we drive past an abandoned building, we always say, look upon my works, you mighty in despair. Excellent. Ozzy Mandaeus, if I'm not mistaken. Frank, we've had a lot of missives in relating to your... I'm laughing, I do apologise. Your alarm clock. Yeah, this is one of the surprise hits of the morning,

this My Alarm Clock. It's so retro. Yeah. And I think what's so charming is that you thought it was normal. No, I absolutely thought it was normal. I thought you'd say, what's that wrong with it? What is wrong with it? Oh, it's got that phosphorescent paint you saw at raves in 1987.

Oh, I didn't. Colette. 97, I saw it. Yeah. Well, I saw it in 93, to be fair, but you know what I mean. Mm-hmm. I believe it started that movement in 89, 88. Anyway, over to Colette.

I knew Frank would have a sensible clock not as embarrassing sorry as this 1974 alarm clock belonging to my husband the alarm is so loud and scary i wake up before it goes off i will i should describe it and say i hate it it looks like sort of four models on from Franks, and this was 1974. Right. Wow. Well, I had a Goblin Tees made for years. Oh, yes. Do you remember the Goblin Tees made?

I do. I bought my wife a Tees made last year. This sounds like an English folk song. I bought my wife a Tees made. What can I tell you, Emily? It's been a good year. Funnily enough, I see that very much more as the blues song. Well, the reason I got mine was that my mum,

when she left work, when she was 65, she retired, my mum. She was years ahead of her time. And they gave her a Goblin Tees, mate. And when she brought it home, my dad said, said we don't want that that's for lazy people he he can have it yeah so he gave me her leaving uh present why would he remove it that's an interesting that's very much with one hand to give us with the other to give away. I used it for years. In case you don't know what it is, kids, it's an alarm clock, but it wakes you up with a cup of tea. It makes a cup of tea.

Yes, I remember. I very much associate it with, it was a sort of entry-level prize on sell of the century, dusty bin, would give them away on 321. Probably on Bullseye. Very Bullseye. That's one of the first examples ofy Bin, would give them away on 321. Probably on Bullseye. Very Bullseye. Perhaps one of the first examples of what I think they now call convergence technology, a thing that can do, like, you know... A good example is a washer-dryer.

Those two gadgets melded. What would its rhyme have been on Bullseye if it had been a... Oh, do you mean the rhyme on 321? No, on Bullseye he used to say things like, if music be the food of love, talk into this radio cassette player. There must have been one for a... If anyone wants to have a go, I'd be very happy to hear it.

Jim Bowen's imaginary... I mean, don't attempt to construct a 3-2-1-2, because, I mean, that would take days, those Riddle of the Sphinxes. That was just a company decision, I think, by ITV, to say let's have a programme that purports to give big money prizes and then make them unwinnable. a programme that purports to give big money prizes and then make them unwinnable.

There must have been, they must have put the odd relative of the exec producer on who won, occasionally just to keep it bubbling up. I mean, I'm speculating, I have no evidence for that at all. Can we make that clear? It'd be a great court case

if I was taken by the former exec producer of 321 for suggesting it was crooked. Oh, the clothes at that trial. Bring it. I think I'd have to be woken up by that alarm clock that morning. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. The thing that I remember being quite annoying about the Goblin Teas made, and here's a sentence for radio in 2020, is that the boiling of the tea pre-empted the alarm going off.

So you woke up like seven or eight minutes before the alarm. Oh, well, you hear the... Yeah. And I must have told you this. When I lived in a bed... I thought I just spent the night with Darth Vader. When I lived in a bed, see, I used to keep an acoustic guitar at the side of my bed.

And when it went off, and honestly, this is true, even though I was totally on my own, bed and when it went off and I honestly this is true and I even though I was totally on my own every morning when it went off I would reach for my guitar and play the opening chords to Hawkwind's Silver Machine because that had a sound effect that went so I'd do and I did that for probably two years. Good for you. Well, that's the least depressing thing I've ever heard. Oh, that's good.

Turn it into a positive. Yeah, exactly. Frank, we've had some lovely suggestions for the bullseye. Oh, yeah. You know, you were talking earlier about how... Have you guys got drinks and things? Yeah. Have you not?

You said no. You said no. No, I said tea. Oh, and things? Yeah. Have you not? You said no. You said no. No, I said tea. Oh, did you? Yes. Okay. Blimey. What's happened?

4, 2, 3. Oh, go on. Sorry, I was going to say you were talking. Can I actually ask what happened? What happened? Well, Sarah left and I didn't want to leave you guys in here on your own. Oh, okay. Didn't want to leave us on our own,

so I didn't get my tea. I mean, do you know I was nominated for an ARIA Radio Academy Award this week? And now I'm treated like this. You'll get your tea. But we're talking about tea's made. You know, I've been nominated for Best Speech Radio. Oh, I know.

I was so happy. I mean, again, I got a text from Paul Sylvester, our boss. Who's our boss, we should say. Saying we need to talk about link length. Oh. Yeah. How did you feel about the nomination? Oh, I love it. I was happy for you.

I love a nom. Yeah. I mean, we should see it as a joint nom. I'd be nothing without you guys because the three of us together are nom, nom, nom. You are the wind beneath my wings. Oh, I like that. I prefer I've got you two.

I sing that for so many variants of my life. Lovely. So, meanwhile, Al, over in the Bullseye studio. Oh, yes. Here are the we've had some submitted some suggestions for how Jim Bowen would have sold a Tees Made prize. We've got stay out of the black and keep in the red, and with this great prize, you can stay in your bed.

Good. I mean, they have confused two separate components of Bullseye. I know. This is Nasha from Bedford. Al, can you see anything? 423 has suggested if mornings aren't your cup of tea, this is right up your street. Come on.

If mornings aren't your cup of tea, this is right up your street. Now that is... That is... That's exactly what he would have done. Really happy with that. I had a friend called Roger and his favourite one was...

Do you know what a tantalus is? I absolutely do you have decanters of alcohol and it's in like a stocks you know a stocks they used to put evil doers in in medieval villages so you can't get

so people can't steal your drink because you keep it locked up and it was it would be nice for you Al get so people can't steal your drink because you keep it locked up. And it was... It'd be nice for you, Al. It was lock up your waters all your spirits in this oak tantalus. And it was, I love the use of the word oak

to lift its profile a little bit. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. Hmm. Frank. 391 has texted. Sorry, Emily. Morning all.

I'm an American living in the UK. Doing well. And I just, caps, just found out what a tease maid is. I'm astonished at the existence of this device. I would be terrified of scolding myself when hitting the alarm clock. Good point. Although in fairness, we have alarm clocks that make bacon. Yes.

What? You heard. Angela in Leon C has told us that Americans have alarm clocks that make bacon. Well, let me tell you something. What a word. I can take or leave bacon, generally speaking. But when I'm in America, I eat bacon galore

because there is something about that thin, crispy bacon in America. And I have attempted to simulate that in the UK, and there must be something in the air. But, oh, my, I was in a hard rock cafe for breakfast last year. Did you have your alarm clock with you? In NYC. And, oh, that crispy bacon.

Man alive. So if there's a machine that does that, I want it. Imagine being woken up by the smell of bacon every morning. Imagine wanting a bacon alarm clock. That must have happened to a lot of people in Soho in the 1960s. Oh, I like that.

Lovely artistic reference. Google it. 995 on the bullseye... Is it a rhyming couplet, Frank? You know about literature on that technical front. But anyway, it was the Ted Bowen sort of tantaliser. Oh, I do apologise. I'm getting my game shows mixed up.

You didn't even went Ted Bovis. No, I went Ted Rogers, I think. Do you know Ted Rogers? No, but thanks for the tip. No, and I don't want the tip. Anyway, it was the Jim Bowen tantaliser let's call it 995 suggests this

who's going to be washing who's going to be drying no one with this fabulous washer dryer Will from Sutton Coalfield is that an actual one or one that sounds like authentic Will would you care to let us know whether there's been

some? I loved it. They were. I mean, you see people, there isn't enough poetry in generally in society and that show had got quite a lot of poetry the way game shows now never have. Can I

draw your attention? Now, this, I might need your help on this, guys, because this is, I think... Happy to help if we can. I think this is something that might have... The seed for this might have been sown when I wasn't here because it doesn't ring a bell for me. But I've had a really good letter,

a really funny, well-written letter from a guy called Guy Bartle. And he said, I was listening to your Absolute Radio podcast a couple of months ago, and Emily read out something and mentioned that the reader who sent it had used

the phrase, as any fool know. With fool being F-U-L-E and know being K-N-o yes and then it says great offense was taken the team as a whole decided this was a condescending running gag from somewhere like the spectator and the reader was put in his place do you remember this i do it rings no bells with me. It was a, I think how what happened is that I missed the spectator or reference,

I believe. Oh, I thought it was like a Douglas Adams-y thing. Something like that. And I didn't know it and I was shamed for it. Well, it turns out

that it is a series of books, the hero of which was Nigel Molesworth, and which were illustrated by Ronald Searle, who did all those Centurion things. Oh, yes. And anyway, Guy Bartle has sent me one of those books.

Lovely. To read. But it's a really good letter, and he sells the book incredibly well. This book should be in publishing. Okay. I think. He also tells us there's a Deep Purple, Deep Purple are a band, kids.

Deep Purple track called Any Fool Know That, which would probably fit into one of the old folks' Absolute Decade Station playlists. Oh, okay. Which is a nice way of summarising the station's output. Can I say that Absolute Radio have got more ARIA nominations, I think, than any other station this year. It's an embarrassment of riches.

Yeah, come on. Absolute Radio. They need a song. You know, there's the thing that Chinese people used to get in the office. They would sing the company song first thing in the morning. Oh, right. OK, let's not sing it. OK, well, there isn't one yet.

OK. The absolute one. But I'm very happy that we get together and write one. What do you rhyme with absolute? Well, there was a song by Green from Scritty Politty called Absolute, I believe. Well, the beginning word was Absolute. Absolute banger. Absolute, absolute.

It was a lovely song. Absolute, absolute. Often serious, often cute. Oh, yes. You know, I'm working, you know. You're composing it on air. It's working. What else can I have?

Shoot? Yeah, let's not just throw them out randomly in case it turns out to be rude. C-H-U-T-E, you're meant. Yeah, OK. Rubbish shoot. Yeah, we could either one of them. OK, put the thing on, she's getting angry.

OK. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute Radio. 082 has texted, As the person who said any fuel know, I did explain that it was a Nigel Molesworth reference but probably got lost in the traffic.

Otherwise it sounds rude. Yeah, I mean, I haven't actually started the book, but it's one of those deliberately misspelt things that suggest school child writing. Yeah. 451, Morning Gang, surely the most apt song title for your show would be Absolute Beginners.

David Bowie. Yeah? Is that suggesting that we are beginners? It sounds like we don't know what we're doing. Yeah, I think that would be reasonable. No, well, it's the Absolute reference. It was an actual song with Absolute in it. Newt.

And we started, I think Absolute Beginners is relevant because we were here from the start of Absolute. Well, I think we were a year in when we were on it. Okay, don't split hairs, dear. Okay. Yeah, I came in on a Bosman. Oh, that's right, yeah. Do you think they thought we'd only last about six months?

Oh, let's not dwell on that. Although there has been some show business... Oh, we're dwelling on it. There has been some show business change of personnel in the news this week, with Sandy Toksvik announcing... I'm going to say a shock departure. I did not see that.

I mean, a lot of people were shocked by Brexit and the election result, but this was a real news shocker, I feel. It was. It's toxic written about we discovered last week allegedly oh yes who was toxic well i'm not gonna tell you i think it's on the wikipedia page yes so it's fine it's public knowledge. We can say it was allegedly written about. Oh, it's a vet, isn't it? Yes. Yes, that's right.

Oh, isn't that a super vet? Yes. Oh, do you know him? I do know him. Is he toxic? It's public knowledge. I believe he might even acknowledge it. Right.

If I brought out a version of that called Toxvig, which was all about Sandy Toxvig. Just have you Toxvig. She is, I would say she's a national treasure. National treasure. That could be, well, maybe, you know, I'm happy to write it and then she can do it. Well, she's one of those people that has been

in the public eye for absolutely ages. Like before this, there was 15 to 1, there was the news quiz, there was all sorts. I used to rent an office from her in the late 80s. Late 80s? Did you? Yeah. Lovely.

She was on number 73 on Saturday mornings when I was at school. Was she? Yeah, she used to write in an office with Mike McShane. Oh, yes. And they weren't using it for a bit,

so I rented it. She's a very friendly landlady. She loves a satin bomber jacket. Oh, I saw one that she was wearing. Oh, I missed those jackets. I didn't know that. I would absolutely wear that.

She should work for NASA. That should be her next job. Satin bomber jackets are de rigueur. Especially if she likes about 58 badges on them. That's the next

place where she's off to, I bet. Oh, yeah. Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. Absolute radio. Absolute radio. So, yes, we were talking about... Sandy Toksvig.

Yeah. And, yeah, it was... So she's off. She's off. And to work, she says, on other projects. Yeah. Ah, other projects. Those are the days.

Other projects. Yeah. Ah, other projects. Those are the days. I like that she did reference the spending more time with the family trope, which I like. She said, I'm leaving to spend more time with my career. Yeah.

Someone said, I think someone on Twitter said that Harry and Meghan were one of the few people to say they were leaving to spend less time with their family. That's a very fine joke. You know, I've often said this, but we were talking off air about the game I've Never recently, and I've never watched Bake Off. Oh, it's enjoyable viewing, I think. And I'm not even that into cake. It's not a sort of... I'm not a guinnet. I've just... Sometimes I think it's important to not join in. I know you feel the same about pretty much everything, Al.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not a natural joiner in a... Frank, you have American box sets and and I don't have American box sets oh you did have as you're not joining in oh yes my not joining in thing yeah but I watch the Masked Singer oh did you like that I can join in if it comes to me

it's take it off stop that Sarah I've seen this. I've seen, I think, three episodes of Bake Off. I love it. And that's... They've all been because I was doing Bake Off Extra Slice for two of them.

So you watch it in the studio before you go in to make sure that you know what you're talking about. And I interviewed, I think it was Anton de Beek, and he'd chosen it as one of his fave shows. Lovely. But it is, I think, I can imagine really getting into it. It has drama, it has human drama. Okay. For replacing Sandy,

because she did say something about her expanding waistline, which I thought was unfair on herself, because I don't think anybody thinks that they can see the difference in her. I think she's nice. I think she's loved, as you say. Well, Sue Perkins told me, I don't think I'm speaking out of turn, that during the recording of a series, that she would put on between a stone and a stone and a half.

Wow. Because the cake is just, you know, it's a world of cake. It's like when my mum worked at Scribbins'. Yes. She used to bring cake back. No, but she did. She brought cake back every night. So I've had a thought.

What they need is somebody who has a sort of a warmth and a relatableness like Sandy Thoxvick. Yeah. And who's funny. Can I say, if you're talking yourself into a job here... No, no, not me. They need someone with a really furnace of a metabolism. Peter Crouch.

Peter Crouch is to be the next Bake Off presenter. That would be good, and he could slice them with his forearm. And also, I think he could put on a stone and a half and still be described as tall and thin. It wouldn't change his description at all. No, I think you're probably right. I've got a suggestion. Britain's fattest man.

I think that would be good. As the cat fits. Absolutely. Yeah, I think it would be good that the show came with a warning of some kind. I think it should show some cause and effect. No, I think that... He can't fit in the kitchen. He'd have to be in that marquee outside. I think it should show some cause and effect. No, I think that. He can't be like, he can't

fit in the kitchen. He'd have to be in that marquee outside. I think that is... I wonder if he'd have to Skype from his bedroom. He can't actually go in the studio. He's on the Skype. I think that would be a morally... I think that would be. Because, you know, cake, all very well, but it is

a danger. It's just an aide de memoir. And he... We are talking about Paul Mason. I'm talking about the world's fattest man. OK. Not the previous Britain's fattest man. OK. Look, I'm not picking you up on your...

I mean, I thought we were taking it as a generic role. We don't have to name names. No, I'm very specific with the individuals concerned. OK. He really is. Yeah. I haven't seen him in any of the betting but um i suppose it's the last thing you want but i think it would be

you know i think that would you know just remember have a little bit of cake well you know what it is frank in the renaissance painting they often had the uh what's it called you You'll know this. Memento Mori. Oh, yes. Like a skull. That's the warning. Etanolcadia ego. Yes. A lot of wise, old religious men would have a skull on their desk to remind them. This time, Victoria. Yeah, this is the... Pardon?

This time you have a Victoria sponge. Yeah, exactly. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. This is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio with Emily Dean and Alan Cochran. You can text the show on 81215, rhymes with Dean. Follow the show on Twitter and Instagram at Frank on the radio, rhymes with... Radio. Or you can email the show via the Absolute Radio website.

We've had some further comments in on your alarm clock. Oh, yeah. This Indigo Sketch unit says this clock is set at five to two. One can only assume Frank worked backwards through the time zones so it went off at the correct time. Incidentally, they set all clocks... Is this a big mo? At ten to two in shops and ads

to make it look like a smiling face thus encouraging you to buy one. Well, I think it's supposed to look like two raised arms, isn't it? Raised arms in celebration. Dave Gorman used to do a whole section about this. Yes, I believe so. Anyway, the point is

this clock is set to five to two, it says. Oh. Okay. Is it? Have you set the alarm to go off

on your clock now that you've got a battery replaced? Well, I want to see if it works because I don't want to be let down again. He doesn't trust

his phone anymore. I'm putting moisturizer onto my nostrils because I've had a cold and I've got dry skin there. Sorry. I just realised I'm doing it on the radio. Sorry.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry. We'll be all right in a minute. Sorry. I can't bear things like this. Anyway. I feel like I'm in your travel lodge bathroom with you. Oh, steady on.

Do you think that Sandy Toksvig took cake in on the last day? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. What do you do? Because it's like a bit of a busman's holiday. What do you do when somebody leaves a cake show? Meat platter. But it's exactly what you need.

Maybe she took in some pickled fish. Oh, she's... Is it Norwegian stock? Yeah, she's Scandinavian, isn't she? That would be nice, if she turned up with some herring for everyone. Oh, Richard. So who's it going to be?

Well, if I was... You know, I think the company that make it, obviously it's about, you know, publicity is important in that line of work. What I would do is throw a lot of money at either Mel or Sue. So you could have a sort of a Miller Bands, you know, rift story. People love division, don't they? People would love that. They'd have, you know, say if they gave it to

Mel, you'd have a picture of Sue that they managed to find where they're looking just slightly miserable, leaving the gym or something. And they'd say, you know, Sue Perkins, furious at betrayal or something like that. What about you and David? Who is that Welsh guy?

You and David Baddiel. No, we couldn't. Why? I couldn't let him that close to the cake. Why? David Baddiel has always said at the end of a meal that if he doesn't have a dessert, he gets terrible pains in his jaw.

Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, imagine if we got him on The Cake Show. I had to take him home and some sort of pantechnicon. I saw his show, by the way, this week, Frank. Oh, yes. I'm seeing yours next week. It's all right.

I'm happy for you, too. I'd like to go and see his show. It's fabulous. Trolls, not the dolls. Thank you very much. I sat in the lighting box. Did you? I was happy with that.

See, that's good because you praised it, but you also subtly showed that it was sold out. Oh you? I was happy with that. See, that's good because you praised it, but you also subtly showed that it was sold out. Oh, did I? Yeah, otherwise they'd have given you a seat, but you had to be in the lighting box. I had to be in the lighting box, but I liked it. I could plug my phone in and I felt a bit special. It feels a bit real,

doesn't it? It feels a bit blue-collar watching it from up there for you, I should think. I just think about... It's the guy who's never bled a radiator. I think about when we went to see Ed Sheeran and the sound went. Oh, yeah. And the guy was unapologetic in the sound box. Yeah, weird.

Never forgotten that. You mentioned the possibility of Mel or Sue hosting Bake Off. There has been some speculation that they'll of Mel or Sue first in Bake Off. There has been some speculation that they'll convince Mel and Sue to return. But that's a lot of people then. It'd be like the TARDIS, a bit overcrowded. I think they should go back to a double act pairing,

but I think... But Noel Fielding is staying. Oh, is he? All right. And you can't... My suggestion was going to be Harry and Meghan because they're going to move into show business now. Well, I don't think it's... I know they've got a gap in their schedule

and, crucially, it'll make a lot of last week's they want to have their cake and eat it comments. Oh, yeah, that would be perfect. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. They've sort of put themselves in the frame. If only them presenting Bake Off

was a prize on Bullseye that would have worked that would have worked absolutely well of course there's been

sort of all this stuff that it said we knew this was coming there's all this an insider said

saying that Sandy he said when she isn't filming, she hides in her dressing room. What do people think dressing room? I don't know. I don't know the word hide. When you're not filming,

you go in your dressing room. What else are you going to do? What did they expect her to do in between sort of set ups? I always used to say, what is the first rule of television? Don't stand up when you can sit down. First rule of life, darling, for me when you can sit down. So, you know...

First rule of life, darling, for me. I mean, I won't ever stand. People know that. Which is why even Dee Baddiel said in his text, there will be seats. It was like there will be blood. What, in the sound box? Yeah, because he knows me well enough.

When I went to the Chemical Brothers, remember, I rung up and said I wanted seats. And they had to have two stools. Oh, well, that's... Everyone else was dancing around, and I had a stool in the centre with my friend. Thank you. When I worked...

When I did Travelman with Richard Iawadi, in between takes, he'd just take a slim paperback book out of his pocket and stand in the street and read that, as it all went on around him. Excellent. I think, you know, you need to get out a bit. You can't just stay in it for the whole thing.

Do you think, Frank, they maybe need... I mean, they've got Noel already in the organisation. What about a fellow goth? Just to make the whole thing give it a bit of a Camden vibe, a Robert Smith, Susie Sue type. Yeah, I've got an idea that both of those would turn it down. Film it in the summer and they have that outdoor bit. They can't have a go.

That is difficult, yeah. I mean, the full length black leather. Also, they don't want to miss Whitby. Also, Frank, we don't want them with goth energy drinks. You know the goth font energy drinks? No. We don't want them with goth energy drinks. You know, the goth font energy drinks. No. We don't want them. You know, those big energy drinks,

and they have the font is in this gothic font. Oh, okay. We don't want those clogging up the set. Do you think the Great British Salad would have been a hit programme? No. No? What does that tell you? It tells me

that there's not as much versatility in making salad it's not as televised exactly people haven't put as much effort into it yeah

I always used to think I don't know if you remember that Paul McCartney when he was a young man dated Jane Asher yeah who was an actress but who became famous

for making cakes but he I think they might have been engaged but in the end he married who was an actress but who became famous for making cakes. But I think they might have even been engaged, but in the end he married Linda Eastman who was a very high-profile vegetarian. Yeah. And if he'd gone with Jane Asher, Paul McCartney now would be, I would say, over 30. Luckily he got the vegetarian estate.

It's little decisions like that, and it's the old butterfly effect. Which brings us back to Gerald Scarfe, who I believe Jane Asher was married to. Was she really? I may have got that hopelessly wrong. Well, we can check that out. Buffins, get on it.

8.12.15. Asher Alert. Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. I'd like to visit email corner, jingle or not. I don't mind. I might have the jingle. Give me a moment. They might not be turned up, of course.

I don't want to catch you on the hop with them. Oh, I never said email. Oh, okay. Oh. Oh, I never said email. Oh, okay. Oh, no. Hi, Frank. This is from a week or so ago. It's been in the corner.

Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Long-time listener, first-time caller. Excuse me. Having been gripped by the recent general election night coverage, over the Christmas break, I decided by the recent general election night coverage, over the Christmas break, I decided to watch the 1997 election night coverage on YouTube. Interesting. Yeah, I like the idea of that.

To see what a Labour victory looked like, they say. Some of the old National Lottery shows. See how they stand up. They say that they wanted to see what a Labour victory looked like, having not been old enough or latterly cared enough as a child to remember one. What seemed like a pretty dreary mistake became an utter delight as none other than Frank Skinner suddenly emerges live on TV from a helicopter, a little while later appearing from a pub in Harrogate,

getting lookalikes of John Major and Tony Blair to dance with each other. For a start, I feel like this chap fell asleep in front of YouTube and dreamt this. It got me thinking, has Frank ever met a lookalike of himself? And if so, did he dance with him? Praise withheld, pending further listening.

I can't read that very well, but you get the gist. Yeah. Most of the words are in roughly the right order. Yes, I remember. In fact, I wore a satin bomber jacket on that election. Did you really? That's from Greg, by the way, in Lincolnshire. With BBC election special on the back.

Still got it? No, you know what? I put it on for charity auction. I wish now I'd kept it. Do you? So whoever bought it has probably just chucked it in the back. Still got it? No, you know what, I put it on for a charity auction. I wish now I'd kept it. So whoever bought it probably just chucked it in the back of a drawer. But yeah, we went all over the country in this

helicopter. We went to maternity hospitals and tea dances and stuff talking about the election. And they said to me, we were flying back I I think, from Scotland to the BBC in London. This was when the BBC used to be in London.

Oh, yeah. And they said, if we can get you there in time, we'd like you, John Snow, he used to have this thing where he used to have like a big... Oh, yeah. Oh, the swingometer. Yeah. He said, we'd like you to go on and just wreck the whole set,

tear it all down and stuff. What, just wreck the mic? And I remember thinking, this is such a bad idea. And when they said, hold on. Oh, my alarm. That's my alarm clock. It still works. Most depressing thing I've ever heard.

I think that's a good alarm clock. It's not. I think we shouldn't have judged it by appearances. That is a good alarm clock. That is Frank. I think we shouldn't have judged it by appearances. That is a good alarm clock. That is Frank's 1987 alarm clock. I don't know, when did you buy that? Something of an ugly duckling, I think. I think you got it free when you took out life insurance 30 years ago.

Yeah, or when I bought over eight gallons of petrol at the garage. Oh, I miss the glasses. Do you remember those? Tomblers. It was one at the garage. Oh, I miss the glasses. Do you remember those? The tumblers. It was one of the companies. You got the, they were champagne flutes. They were the most.

No, I remember tumblers, like quite chunky, square. The tumblers were also champagne flutes. Oh, were they? Yeah. It's interesting to think, to give away to drivers. But, yeah, it was brilliant.

As I've ever met, many, many times have people come up to me and say, they say, people say I really look like you. Oh, yeah. And can we have a photo together? And I always think, really? I can see a bit, a bit of it. They're usually people with, like with like big bulbous foreheads

if I have to pick a gender I think the Mekon from the Eagle once approached me and said people say I look like you, I don't know his voice because he was in a comic but people say I look like you.

So you're the meekin'. Never mind. It's not about me. But I'll call out selfie. And we did it. He was on that little hover platform that he used to sit on. He'd be all right on Bake Off. Frank Skinner

Absolute Radio Do you ever have those moments where you think, if I didn't know Frank Skinner I definitely would never be googling this Oh yeah And one example of this was me just putting in X20 Titan X20

X20 Oh yeah, is this for a Stingray character putting in X20 Titan. X20. Oh, God, he got so upset. X20. Oh, yeah, is this for a Stingray character? Yeah. He was the sort of inside, he was Titan's inside man in the above sea level world. I'm out.

And to get out of trouble, you'd always say thanks. So, yes, because he used to have this high-tech laboratory where he did his bad stuff from, but if the stingray people turned up, he'd press a button and it would turn into like a little parlour with a grand piano and all that. And they'd say, we're bringing signals from, and he'd say, I'm

just an old man, Commander. He was a very convincing double agent. 174 is helping you out here, Frank. Yeah? Frank, American sweet cured bacon is what you need to buy. Hard to find over here, but this is the stuff. Stew Inverness.

Oh, OK. Well, he's called Stew, so I'm going to take his. He knows his stuff, yeah. 454, I used to row in Cambridge with a guy nicknamed a Mekon. Oh, did he have a big head? I can see his uncanny likeness to Frank, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that didn't end well, Frank. I do apologise.

Yes. You do have a living Leuco-like called the Mekon. Yes. Well, apart from the actual Mlike called the Mekon. Yes. Well, apart from the actual Mekon, who was green. Yes. But, you know. Yeah, I know. I mean, obviously, no, that doesn't matter nowadays.

Meanwhile, back at food, Emily's friend, Heston Blumenthal, who's been in the papers this week, on the subject of food photos. He's been a monkey on my back for years. Oh, yeah. We should explain what happened. For those unfamiliar with the incident,

do you want to explain how the Blumenthal back, this phrase was... Well, yes, I was demonstrating a thing called the daddle on a television show. And it's a saddle that dads wear on their back so children can ride on them around the room. And Heston Blumenthal suddenly leapt on my back. And he is, as they would say on the cricket commentary, a big unit.

And not only did I hurt my back, but I had to have physiotherapy over a period of six weeks, which was paid for by the production company, not by HB. No. I'm sure you've eaten a few meals at his expense. Well, I'll tell you what, I've always found him to be a nice chap. He's a lovely chap.

I don't think he had any... Look, he had one day in London and he chose to give it to me, thank you, to do my podcast. I can't complain. And also, I had that starter menu thing at the Fat Dock in Bray, which is his restaurant, and it was pretty... It was like going to the theatre. It's remarkable.

It really is, dear. Well, it's interesting you say that, because he has said that he worries about people taking photographs of their food because it sort of separates them from the moment, he said. Yes. And I think, well, you've made your food theatrical and photogenic. You're part of the problem here. Yeah, what is the moment exactly?

Sometimes comedians make fun of people who have got a loud laugh and you think, well, you started it. Yeah, well, that is true. Going about being funny. Yeah, I am. But is there a moment that you can break? Good point. There is because it's about the idea

that you're disconnecting from the people you're with and you're prioritising the strangers and your own ego, essentially. Thank you. Well, you say the people you're with. Michael McIntyre, I remember, gave me tremendous stick when I told him that

as an end of tour gift, I had bought my tour manager a meal at the Fat Dock. I bought that starter menu and got him a room at the hotel across the road. That's a great gift. Yeah. Why did that get stood? Lovely.

Because there was no plus one. Oh. And Michael McIntyre thought making this bloke sit and eat on his own in a restaurant where he probably couldn't afford to take anyone else was some sort of twisted gift. Can I say, I would actively love that experience on my own. But some people would hate it. So I am behind your gift, because I'm happy with eating on my own.

It's taken me a long time, though. Was Frank's gift good or bad? Eight, 12, 15. I like your gift. I like it. And I think it will encourage that man to... What I'm worried about, more than anything, having said it, is that my current tour manager

listens to the show. The bar's high. Yeah. They call it, I believe, camera eats first, just so you know. Oh, do they? The practice of the foodgram. Hashtag foodgram. If you look at hashtag food gram there's

over 13 million posts i think with that but it's called camera eats first camera eats first i think does not apply to the campaign for real ale where they probably don't eat until they stop at the chip shop on the way back cheating absolutely yeah exactly, exactly. There used to be a bloke when in the pub I went to in Langley Green back in the West Midlands that used to say, Sonny Glottons want to eat and drink. Wise words.

I'm just going to write down hashtag foodgram that Emily said, because that's one that I don't use. Oh, food gram, camera eat first, yeah. I occasionally put up photographs of food on the Instagram. Quite often reduced food that I've bought with yellow stickers on it that I'm eating in a travel lodge on a Friday evening before doing this show on the Saturday morning.

I might photograph, say, I went to a cricket-themed kids' party at Lord's recently and they had cupcakes with, like, all their names on and a little cricket bat. I took a photo of that, but I think the cupcakes are to be photographed rather than eaten. Right. I mean nobody wants to... It's the ghost tale in about three and a half minutes.

You don't want a centimetre of icing. I do. Do you? I think they're a design error. I love them. Each to their own as Judy Murray said to me. I quite often make food at lunchtime that my wife then insists

on photographing to mock to her friend and latterly on the internet she makes fun of it on the Instagram she's got a whole account to make fun of my food. Photographing food for derisory reasons I can

absolutely see that. Do you remember that we photographed, i think we had a fancy starter or something which i identified as looking like a star wars village and we did a we did a photo i might dig that out and uh regram should we do that one for the regram girls yeah but um hashtag food gram but i the idea of taking a photo of something that looks good on a plate i don't i don't really oh she doesn't do that i'll quite often say i suppose you want a photo of something that looks good on a plate, I don't really... Oh, she doesn't do that. I'll quite often say,

I suppose you want a photo of my lunch, and she'll go, no, it looks too normal. Yeah, exactly. Wow. I'm very familiar with your Insta food gram moments. My own? Yeah. I noticed only last night, Frank.

Oh, yeah. Alan photographed... Have you done a Friday night tour of Alan Cochran? I might have. I'll tell you what was in this photo. It was a flat lay, as I believe they're called. I don't know what that is. It's like a photo from above the thing.

Oh, OK. It was a flat lay. OK. Top shot, they call it. In your magazines, possibly. Okay. Top shot. In your magazines, possibly. In the flat lay, he had one packet of four cheese baps, non-branded.

Oh, yeah. They're in the cellophane, though. Take them out the cellophane. Cheese baps, meaning they had cheese on them? Yeah, on the top. Yeah. He also had an Italian meat sort of saucisson selection. Some parma ham, that sort of thing, yeah. And finally my

iPad with question time on it and a picture of Lawrence Fox. And a little tub of baba ganoush. Well, that sounds nice. Yeah. And it was on the bed. Yeah. I mean, put it on the table, mate And it was on the bed. Yeah.

I mean, put it on the table, mate. It was on sheets. Living my best life. I like it. It's like a scene in, like, an American motel room. Yeah. I'm living life like an Edward Hopper painting. Yeah, exactly.

But then I decided to go for a trawl through his history. Yeah. And I noticed, on the food front, front he's right there was a trifle strawberry trifle reduced from three pounds to two pound fourteen i ate all of that that was for four people a soren loaf which had on it try me for 50p oh yeah okay that was cheap as well most depressing thing i've ever seen and of of course, the infamous Lindt chocolate reduced from £3.25 to 20p. What a reduction. Are you seeing a theme here, Frank?

I'm going to be walking about a foot taller when I leave now that you've done that recap. I feel really good about myself now. What I like about it is... Can we get that last bit clipped?

Love it. It's like a self-help tape. I take photos of the dressing rooms I mean on tour they're always bleak even the one I'm in now which is not a bad dressing room but I got cards for my opening night

and all the cards were like brown or grey they're like the drabbiest it's got a sort of opening night in the Soviet Union feel to it anyway look that is all from us thank you so much for listening Got a sort of opening night in the Soviet Union feel to it. Anyway, look, that is all from us.

Thank you so much for listening. And if the good Lord spares us and the creeks don't rise, we'll be back again this time next week. Now get out. This is Frank Skinner. This is Absolute Radio.